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1
00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:05,460
- Pathetic!
2
00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:07,790
An absolute disgrace to the badge!
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,740
Everything you touch turns to shit!
4
00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:14,300
You should have known better
than to come in here today!
5
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:16,720
Your kids won't talk to
you, and it's your fault.
6
00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:18,800
Your dog ran away, and it's your fault.
7
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,410
Your wife has slept with
everyone on the force,
8
00:00:21,410 --> 00:00:22,970
and it's your fault!
9
00:00:22,970 --> 00:00:25,473
Your fault, your fault, your fault!
10
00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:30,080
You are an incompetent,
googly-eyed numbskull
11
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,950
with a mug so ugly,
12
00:00:31,950 --> 00:00:33,790
I would say only a mother could love it,
13
00:00:33,790 --> 00:00:35,490
but I know for a fact she doesn't!
14
00:00:40,190 --> 00:00:41,563
Yeah, sorry about that.
15
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,467
I really had to take that phone call.
16
00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:47,550
(intense rock music)
17
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,070
- Let me guess, Chief,
18
00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:53,680
you called me in because
you want me off the force.
19
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,450
You wanna bench me, want
me to hit the showers,
20
00:00:56,450 --> 00:00:59,010
want to beat it, scram, vamoose.
21
00:00:59,010 --> 00:01:01,653
- No, no, no. It's it's
not like that, Brick.
22
00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:05,110
We don't do things like that anymore.
23
00:01:05,110 --> 00:01:06,590
Your methods may be...
24
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:11,290
questionable, but we're not
allowed to reprimand you,
25
00:01:11,290 --> 00:01:13,190
not after the trauma you've experienced
26
00:01:13,190 --> 00:01:15,133
after the last 24 hours.
27
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,780
Gunfights, shootouts...
28
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:23,860
crazy hi-jinks involving
an Italian restaurant.
29
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:27,160
Who's gonna replace all
that spaghetti, Brick?
30
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,810
- That's part of the job, Chief.
31
00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:32,260
I don't grow the potatoes.
I just swallow the gravy.
32
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,200
- I know, I know.
33
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,350
You're the best we got.
34
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:38,343
No one swallows gravy like you, Brick.
35
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:43,700
But, following events
of a traumatic nature...
36
00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:47,320
it's been mandated that
all officers undergo
37
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,640
post-traumatic stress disorder assessment.
38
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,160
- If this is some kind of joke,
39
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,830
you're a sad excuse for a clown.
40
00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:57,633
- I just need you to answer
a few questions, Brick.
41
00:01:58,570 --> 00:02:01,310
Then you can get back to kicking, capeesh?
42
00:02:01,310 --> 00:02:04,703
- Capeesh? Sounds like cat piss to me.
43
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,853
If you were a color of the
rainbow, any color at all,
44
00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,880
what color would you be?
45
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,330
- What's this have to do with kicking ass?
46
00:02:14,330 --> 00:02:16,060
- I'll take that as blue.
47
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:16,963
Next question.
48
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:21,113
What makes for the best past-time?
49
00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:25,330
Spending quality time with friends?
50
00:02:25,330 --> 00:02:28,660
Taking a leisurely drive with a loved one?
51
00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:31,493
Or, capturing and
mutilating small animals?
52
00:02:33,839 --> 00:02:35,710
(door slams)
53
00:02:35,710 --> 00:02:38,933
- Pinko mother fucker with
his touchy-feely bullshit!
54
00:02:40,130 --> 00:02:41,090
- What was that about?
55
00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:43,050
- Same shit, different day.
56
00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:46,120
Chief's probably still upset
because I slept with his wife.
57
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,520
But, hey, it was a bachelor
party. These things happen.
58
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,010
- Wasn't it his bachelor party?
59
00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:53,820
- Exactly. He wasn't
even married to her yet.
60
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:55,360
She was fair game.
61
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,420
- You're right.
62
00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:59,010
Thanks, Brick. That takes a
load off of my conscience.
63
00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:01,240
- [Brick] What's a load off?
- Sleeping with the Chief's wife.
64
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,160
- Are you telling me you
slept with the Chief's wife
65
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,600
at the same bachelor party?
66
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,680
- It was a bachelor party, all right.
67
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:07,790
But it was a different wife.
68
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:10,010
- Oh, which one? His first or second?
69
00:03:10,010 --> 00:03:11,300
- I've lost count.
70
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,430
- Hey, look what I got for you.
71
00:03:13,430 --> 00:03:15,260
Two tickets to the ball game.
72
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,730
- Wow! Thanks, Brick.
73
00:03:17,730 --> 00:03:19,300
You've been so good to me.
74
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,133
- What can I say?
75
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:23,760
You're the best, and only,
partner I've ever had.
76
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,290
We've had some exciting times, haven't we?
77
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,550
- We sure have. So many adventures.
78
00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:31,570
- Yeah, like that time
we busted the illegals
79
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,860
trying to smuggle food to their families.
80
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:36,110
- Yeah, and that time that
we split up the families
81
00:03:36,110 --> 00:03:38,170
and sent them to
different detention camps.
82
00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:39,730
- Yeah, yeah.
83
00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:42,930
And who could forget the time
we lost all those children?
84
00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:46,276
- I can still hear the
parents crying. Boo hoo!
85
00:03:46,276 --> 00:03:48,020
(laughing)
86
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:49,810
- Wow, I'm proud of you, partner.
87
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:52,120
Proud of the work we've done together.
88
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,043
- Proud?
- Damn proud.
89
00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:58,090
- And now for me to embark on
the biggest journey of all.
90
00:03:58,090 --> 00:03:59,390
Fatherhood.
91
00:03:59,390 --> 00:04:00,810
it's hard to believe this is my last day
92
00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:02,860
before I start paternity leave.
93
00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:05,260
- And I'll be with you
every step of the way.
94
00:04:05,260 --> 00:04:07,100
After all we've been through,
95
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,853
we're practically the same person.
96
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,620
- That's why our badge
numbers are the same, right?
97
00:04:11,620 --> 00:04:12,453
- [Brick] Yeah.
98
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,630
- I knew it wasn't a budget thing.
99
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:16,000
This office runs like
a well-oiled machine.
100
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,014
(pats locker)
(clanking)
101
00:04:18,014 --> 00:04:21,010
(cat screams)
102
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:22,170
- That's correct.
103
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,290
Every officer has the same badge number,
104
00:04:24,290 --> 00:04:26,640
because we're all on the same team.
105
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,770
- Where are we going?
106
00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:29,620
- We've been assigned to wall duty.
107
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:30,453
- [Partner] Wall duty?
108
00:04:30,453 --> 00:04:31,286
- Yeah.
109
00:04:31,286 --> 00:04:32,870
- This day keeps getting better!
110
00:04:32,870 --> 00:04:35,240
Nothing exciting or dangerous
ever happens at the wall.
111
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,090
- No.
112
00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:37,470
- I'm on top of the world, Brick.
113
00:04:37,470 --> 00:04:39,051
I feel like I could live forever!
114
00:04:39,051 --> 00:04:41,718
(ominous music)
115
00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:44,030
- Hey, partner...
116
00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:46,790
Don't forget your gun.
117
00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:47,740
- Thanks, officer.
118
00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:48,680
Almost forgot.
119
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,700
- It took me hours to clean
all the alien blood and guts
120
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:52,530
out of the firing mechanism.
121
00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:53,890
- Looks good as new.
122
00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:56,060
- Brick, yours isn't quite ready yet.
123
00:04:56,060 --> 00:04:57,960
We've had to order more Vaseline.
124
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,171
It's still pretty far
lodged up that rookie's ass.
125
00:05:00,171 --> 00:05:02,504
(screaming)
126
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,138
There's a chance he might die.
127
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,550
(laughing)
128
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,560
- Oh, well.
129
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,260
Rookie's got to learn not
to make eye contact somehow.
130
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:11,330
Am I right?
131
00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:12,252
- Yeah.
132
00:05:12,252 --> 00:05:14,040
(chuckling)
133
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,060
I don't think I'll be needing it anyway.
134
00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:20,189
Simple walk around the wall.
What could possibly go wrong?
135
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:22,856
(ominous music)
136
00:05:23,899 --> 00:05:26,732
(thunder booming)
137
00:05:34,778 --> 00:05:36,950
- You know, Brick, I've been thinking.
138
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:39,770
- That was probably a mistake, but go on.
139
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:41,660
- It's just that, after a long career
140
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:43,980
of border security enforcement,
141
00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,580
a man looks back and wonders
if it was all worth it.
142
00:05:53,237 --> 00:05:54,970
- I don't follow in the slightest.
143
00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:56,970
- I mean, we're protecting our nation
144
00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:58,910
from illegal alien immigrants.
145
00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:00,020
- That's correct.
146
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,460
- And we have this wall to keep them out.
147
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:04,080
- Also correct.
148
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,670
- But the aliens are from another planet.
149
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,460
- Is there a point you're
trying to make here, partner?
150
00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,470
- Aliens have spaceship.
151
00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:14,070
I mean spaceships. More than one.
152
00:06:14,070 --> 00:06:17,000
- They also have goofy looking
outfits and talk all funny.
153
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,610
Hence the wall.
154
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,470
- No, but I mean, what good is a wall
155
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:23,190
if they can just fly over
it with their spaceships?
156
00:06:23,190 --> 00:06:25,540
Also, the aliens are coming from space,
157
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:27,820
not the other side of the wall.
158
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,140
They don't have to deal with it.
159
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,000
The wall is not an obstacle.
160
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,580
They could land in the
middle of Times Square
161
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:33,740
if they wanted to.
162
00:06:33,740 --> 00:06:34,820
- Not on my watch!
163
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:36,250
- But-
- Listen, partner...
164
00:06:36,250 --> 00:06:38,480
it's clear you're missing
the point of our mission.
165
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,460
- Have I?
166
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:40,840
- Yes, you have.
167
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:44,950
You see, this wall isn't merely
a super effective barrier
168
00:06:44,950 --> 00:06:47,060
separating us from the alien hordes
169
00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:49,500
and their barbaric foreign culture.
170
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:50,780
It's a symbol.
171
00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:51,750
- [Partner] A symbol?
172
00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:53,200
- Yes.
173
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,423
A symbol of this great nation
and what makes it great.
174
00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:57,256
(patriotic music)
175
00:06:57,256 --> 00:06:59,330
What makes it great, you ask?
176
00:06:59,330 --> 00:07:01,290
I know you know the answer
177
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:05,270
But to those alien scum
who don't, I say...
178
00:07:05,270 --> 00:07:07,930
this nation is an oasis.
179
00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:11,796
You have your desert,
and we have our oasis.
180
00:07:11,796 --> 00:07:12,910
And you're not gonna come here
181
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:16,990
and soil our clean air and pure water
182
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:19,460
with your dirty foreign feet.
183
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,233
We will not be tread upon!
184
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,120
We have a certain way of life,
185
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:27,200
and it will not be disrupted
by the needs of others.
186
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,260
When they erected this wall,
187
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:32,000
they erected a giant middle finger
188
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,093
from Uncle Sam to the scum of the galaxy.
189
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,980
When we patrol this wall,
we polish that middle finger
190
00:07:41,090 --> 00:07:43,950
so they can see it all
the way from Uranus.
191
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,700
You understand?
192
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,100
- I think I get it.
193
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,750
So the wall is like a
giant right-wing penis.
194
00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:51,099
- Now you're getting it.
195
00:07:51,099 --> 00:07:52,070
(ominous music)
196
00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:54,510
- Wow. This job is more
fulfilling than I thought.
197
00:07:54,510 --> 00:07:58,092
- You finally figured it out,
even if it is your last day.
198
00:07:58,092 --> 00:08:00,730
(ominous music)
199
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,610
I'm proud of you, partner.
200
00:08:02,610 --> 00:08:03,480
- Proud?
201
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,585
- Damn proud.
202
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:07,085
(gun zapping)
203
00:08:15,423 --> 00:08:18,173
(dramatic music)
204
00:08:28,270 --> 00:08:31,390
Hang in there, partner!
We'll fix you up real good!
205
00:08:31,390 --> 00:08:35,740
Hell, he hardly got ya. Stop
acting like a little bitch!
206
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:36,573
Partner?
207
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,303
Partner?
208
00:08:40,085 --> 00:08:40,918
Partner?
209
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,053
Partner?
210
00:08:52,411 --> 00:08:55,195
(austere music)
211
00:08:55,195 --> 00:08:57,090
- My fellow Americans,
212
00:08:57,090 --> 00:08:59,870
I come to you today with a question.
213
00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,100
Look around you and tell me what you see.
214
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:06,760
Life used to be awful simple, pure.
215
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,610
But what happened to this
nation's purity and simplicity?
216
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:14,000
Gone are the mom-and-pop
shops on every corner.
217
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,910
Gone the high-quality American automobiles
218
00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:20,010
that used to fill our glittering highways,
219
00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:24,480
replaced by inexpensive,
intergalactic lemons!
220
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,200
Lemons! What of the little
Jimmy's lemonade stand?
221
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:33,200
All of these things lost
like memories of bygone days.
222
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,896
Bye-bye, gone days!
223
00:09:35,896 --> 00:09:37,660
(sighs heavily)
224
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:42,660
All replaced by incomprehensible,
gibbering alien tongue!
225
00:09:44,429 --> 00:09:45,262
Oh.
226
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:47,950
Oh.
227
00:09:47,950 --> 00:09:49,610
There's a hair on my tongue.
228
00:09:49,610 --> 00:09:52,590
Oh! Disgusting, disgusting.
229
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:53,841
We'll cut this part out. Um...
230
00:09:53,841 --> 00:09:55,290
(snaps fingers)
231
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:56,170
Lemonade...
232
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:57,940
High-quality automobiles...
233
00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,400
other things you like.
234
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,990
Who is responsible for
these disappearances, hm?
235
00:10:02,990 --> 00:10:07,650
Is it the massive cuts to
social welfare programs? No!
236
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:10,770
Is it the many collapses of Wall Street
237
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,523
due to their reckless and
irresponsible behavior?
238
00:10:12,523 --> 00:10:13,780
No! (laughing)
239
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:17,170
Is it my illiteracy? Certainly not!
240
00:10:17,170 --> 00:10:21,410
No, my friends, there is one
source and one source only,
241
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:24,240
for this contagion rotting our nation.
242
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,820
It is the green menace, my friends,
243
00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:29,350
that spills across our borders
244
00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:32,966
like too much mustard on a corn dog.
245
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,960
They are the reason that you are poor!
246
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,710
They are the reason you don't have a job!
247
00:10:38,710 --> 00:10:42,610
They are the reason that you
think you're ugly and stupid
248
00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:44,140
and nobody likes you!
249
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:47,290
And most importantly, they are the reason
250
00:10:47,290 --> 00:10:50,270
for any irritating or inconvenient thing
251
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:52,580
that happens to you at any point.
252
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:55,210
Yes, my fellow Americans.
253
00:10:55,210 --> 00:10:59,060
Join us, join me, on a campaign
254
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,950
to restore this country to greatness
255
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,513
and keep our borders secure.
256
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,430
Votes for President Joe.
257
00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:09,193
Vote for four more years!
258
00:11:11,110 --> 00:11:12,776
Thank you.
(chattering)
259
00:11:12,776 --> 00:11:13,893
Damn straight.
260
00:11:15,950 --> 00:11:19,300
Garcon, another round
for me and my partner.
261
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,140
- Sorry, man. We don't
serve his kind here.
262
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,871
- What? Why?
263
00:11:23,871 --> 00:11:25,460
(crowd laughing)
264
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:27,570
Because he doesn't have any skin?
265
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:29,390
What are you, prejudiced?
266
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:30,660
Just because he doesn't have any skin
267
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:32,740
doesn't mean he's any less of a man.
268
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:36,344
Okay, he's a bit slow,
maybe even retarded...
269
00:11:36,344 --> 00:11:37,230
(crowd laughing)
270
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,180
but that doesn't mean he doesn't drink.
271
00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:42,595
Do you have something against retards?
272
00:11:44,707 --> 00:11:46,720
That's more like it.
273
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,921
Back in the glory days, we
didn't have to pay for drinks.
274
00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:55,320
We'd show up in uniform and
we'd get the respect we deserve.
275
00:11:55,320 --> 00:12:00,320
Now, a bunch of left-wing
flower children...
276
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,440
told the nation we're the bad guys.
277
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,450
Now I can't even get a dime
to call my grandmother.
278
00:12:06,450 --> 00:12:08,270
Not that I have a grandmother.
279
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:12,280
And I guess payphones aren't
really a thing anymore.
280
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,370
The point is this is what happens
281
00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:16,509
when you allow transgender bathrooms.
282
00:12:16,509 --> 00:12:18,140
(crowd laughing)
283
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:19,153
- Geez.
284
00:12:19,153 --> 00:12:20,819
(smacks table)
Uh...
285
00:12:20,819 --> 00:12:21,652
All right.
286
00:12:21,652 --> 00:12:23,752
I'm gonna show you a trick with some dice.
287
00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:25,587
I have...
288
00:12:25,587 --> 00:12:26,850
(crowd laughing)
289
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:27,960
All right...
290
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:28,899
they're gone.
291
00:12:28,899 --> 00:12:29,732
(crowd laughing)
292
00:12:29,732 --> 00:12:32,480
(clapping)
293
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,690
Look, guys, I'm a raccoon.
294
00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:36,227
Now I'm back to being a man.
295
00:12:36,227 --> 00:12:38,977
(crowd laughing)
296
00:12:41,235 --> 00:12:44,000
- Well, partner, it's
been another hard day.
297
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,180
Like always, we came out on top.
298
00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:48,143
I'm proud of you.
299
00:12:50,446 --> 00:12:51,910
(clanging)
300
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:53,546
Damn proud.
301
00:12:53,546 --> 00:12:54,560
(crowd laughing)
302
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,730
- All right, you guys suck.
303
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,670
I need a volunteer.
304
00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:59,874
You. Come on, come up here.
305
00:12:59,874 --> 00:13:00,707
(ominous music)
306
00:13:00,707 --> 00:13:03,620
Wait, you never got
fall-down drunk before.
307
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:05,080
You really are dead!
308
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,460
- Well, let's give
people a show, all right.
309
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:10,000
Let's just get you to hold
this in front of your face.
310
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,210
- Those green bastards!
311
00:13:11,210 --> 00:13:14,040
- I say the magic words.
312
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,850
- I'll make 'em pay!
313
00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:17,713
I'll make 'em all pay!
314
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,173
- Bam!
315
00:13:20,173 --> 00:13:21,770
We got an alien.
316
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:22,847
- What the? What?
317
00:13:22,847 --> 00:13:24,190
(crowd laughing)
318
00:13:24,190 --> 00:13:27,053
- Sweet green, Pee-wee,
child-snatching Herman!
319
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:32,135
Die, you green-skinned devil, die!
320
00:13:32,135 --> 00:13:33,392
(gun banging)
321
00:13:33,392 --> 00:13:36,715
(crowd laughing)
322
00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:40,211
(crowd cheering)
323
00:13:40,211 --> 00:13:41,735
(crowd laughing)
324
00:13:41,735 --> 00:13:44,235
(gun banging)
325
00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:55,223
- Brick...
326
00:13:55,223 --> 00:13:56,056
- Chief.
327
00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:58,150
- Brick...
328
00:13:58,150 --> 00:13:58,983
- Chief.
329
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:02,373
- Brick-
330
00:14:02,373 --> 00:14:03,206
- Chief.
331
00:14:03,206 --> 00:14:04,780
Before I continue,
332
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:08,410
I need you to put yourself
in my shoes for a second.
333
00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:09,680
- What size do you wear?
334
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,513
- That's not what I meant.
335
00:14:10,513 --> 00:14:13,410
- Are we gonna sit around
talking about shoes all day,
336
00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:15,320
or are we gonna get up and walk the walk?
337
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,670
- You shot up a bar
full of innocent people
338
00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:20,920
with your dead partner's gun!
339
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,120
- Not my fault.
340
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,216
My gun's still lodged
up that rookie's ass.
341
00:14:24,216 --> 00:14:27,380
(screaming)
342
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,760
- That was a serious breach of protocol!
343
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,250
- Well, like I said about
my gun in that rookie's ass-
344
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,030
- I'm talking about the shooting!
345
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:37,050
You can't just go around shooting up...
346
00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:39,430
civilians in a public place.
347
00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,330
- I don't understand.
348
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:43,780
- It looks bad for the force.
349
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:45,993
And it attracts unwanted attention.
350
00:14:49,170 --> 00:14:51,070
Liberal attention.
351
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:52,460
- You don't mean...
352
00:14:52,460 --> 00:14:53,293
- I'm afraid so.
353
00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:57,630
We've got the liberal agenda up our asses.
354
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:58,533
- How far up?
355
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,493
- All the way up.
356
00:15:02,470 --> 00:15:04,713
- Christ. What do they want, my head?
357
00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:07,117
(sighs)
358
00:15:07,117 --> 00:15:07,950
- Worse.
359
00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:10,710
They want...
360
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,265
your balls.
361
00:15:12,265 --> 00:15:14,330
(sighs)
362
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,380
- You know I'd do anything for the force.
363
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:19,483
- No, Brick. Not like that.
364
00:15:20,631 --> 00:15:21,464
(sighs)
365
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:24,340
I'm afraid that you're
gonna have to attend a...
366
00:15:25,896 --> 00:15:27,593
a group therapy session.
367
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:31,680
- What in castrated Christ's name is that?
368
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,630
- Well, it's a...
369
00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:37,710
It's a big room where a lot of...
370
00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:40,643
cowards sit around, and they...
371
00:15:40,643 --> 00:15:42,250
they talk about their...
372
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:44,193
feelings.
373
00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:47,820
- Honestly, Chief, I'd
rather just give 'em my balls
374
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:48,740
and get it over with.
375
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:51,090
- 'Fraid we can't roll
that way anymore, Brick.
376
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:54,880
- Damn!
377
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,523
- Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat
it. It's gonna be rough.
378
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,420
Things get hairy, just...
379
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,410
scream and crap your pants.
380
00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:06,160
They'll all think it's one of those
381
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,730
made up, new age medical
conditions, like...
382
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:12,800
Klinefelter syndrome, and
they'll leave you alone.
383
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,190
I need you to do this for me, Brick.
384
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:17,100
The force needs you.
385
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,303
Your country needs you.
386
00:16:21,004 --> 00:16:22,287
Do you think you're up for it?
387
00:16:22,287 --> 00:16:24,070
- You can count on me, Chief.
388
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,040
There's nothing those liberal
cowards could throw at me
389
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,099
that would crack this foundation.
390
00:16:28,099 --> 00:16:30,766
(ominous music)
391
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:34,630
- So the men were getting out of the pond,
392
00:16:34,630 --> 00:16:39,290
just water dripping off of
their muscular, chiseled bodies.
393
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:42,330
And that's when I realized...
394
00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:44,380
I was never going to make it work for me.
395
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:50,173
My dad's spent a fortune sending
me to conversion camps and-
396
00:16:50,173 --> 00:16:51,530
- Conversion camps?
397
00:16:51,530 --> 00:16:52,440
Are you saying...
398
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,273
- Yes.
399
00:16:54,510 --> 00:16:58,720
I was straight, and we all knew it.
400
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,630
But my dads didn't want
a straight boy for a son,
401
00:17:01,630 --> 00:17:03,140
and I didn't want to disappoint them,
402
00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:06,913
so I tried everything I could to change.
403
00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:10,400
I once had so many dicks in me
404
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,050
I looked like a game of Kerplunk.
405
00:17:13,218 --> 00:17:15,010
- Thank you for sharing.
406
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:17,270
Doesn't it feel good to share?
407
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:20,072
Let's all congratulate
him with a single clap.
408
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,680
(group claps)
Very good.
409
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,363
Who would like to go next?
410
00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:26,750
- Yeah. Thanks.
411
00:17:26,750 --> 00:17:27,680
I guess I'm just trying to figure out
412
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,490
what the hell I'm doing here.
413
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:32,120
All I said was I was in favor
of stricter gun control,
414
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,870
and the next thing I know I'm here.
415
00:17:35,370 --> 00:17:37,300
- You're an absolute disgrace.
416
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,460
- [Therapy Leader] Let's move on.
417
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:39,543
Who's next?
418
00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:44,396
- Men...
419
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,229
struation.
420
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:48,833
- I don't...
421
00:17:49,910 --> 00:17:50,743
- Men...
422
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,630
- I get that part.
423
00:17:53,630 --> 00:17:54,810
- Struation.
424
00:17:54,810 --> 00:17:55,990
- Um...
425
00:17:55,990 --> 00:17:57,163
- Menstruation.
426
00:17:58,550 --> 00:18:00,483
It's in the goddam word, man!
427
00:18:01,490 --> 00:18:04,050
They're trying to blame us?
428
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,660
Men?
429
00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:06,750
Me?
430
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:11,600
For all they're weirdo,
voodoo, women problems? Huh?
431
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,790
- I see.
432
00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:15,020
- Trying to enslave us in their women...
433
00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:17,570
Temples of doom.
434
00:18:17,570 --> 00:18:18,403
- Uh-huh.
435
00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:20,043
- And Viet-fucking-nam, man!
436
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:22,830
- I think that's enough sharing for now.
437
00:18:22,830 --> 00:18:24,249
Let's give him a clap.
438
00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,010
(group claps)
439
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:27,210
- Okay.
440
00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:28,773
All right. How about you?
441
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,840
- Uh, I don't...
442
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,780
- Oh.
443
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,243
Please. We're all here for you.
444
00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:37,100
(screams and farts)
445
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,320
Oh. Oh, sorry.
446
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,710
I didn't realize that you have...
447
00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:42,330
Klinefelter syndrome.
448
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:43,300
We'll move on.
449
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,323
Who's next?
450
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:47,573
- God, I thought you'd never ask!
451
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,640
Jesus saved me.
452
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,760
Where to begin on this
epic journey called life?.
453
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:53,960
Okay, you know what? They suck!
454
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,590
So, on the grass there they had like...
455
00:18:56,590 --> 00:18:59,230
It was small for this
hurricane coming up, right?
456
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:02,890
But no! NASA released from
a real photo in space.
457
00:19:02,890 --> 00:19:04,520
And it was like 10 times bigger then.
458
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,130
And so what's the deal, right?
459
00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:07,860
And they saw some islands.
460
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:10,880
They had these little solar
panels in this one circle,
461
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,800
and apparently heat can create hurricanes,
462
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,600
and they're doing it on these islands!
463
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:15,433
Yeah.
(man heaves)
464
00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:17,080
So that made me think that's why
465
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,418
my friend chose to pick
me up that early...
466
00:19:19,418 --> 00:19:20,251
(heaving)
467
00:19:20,251 --> 00:19:22,393
and not let me go to
where it's at, you know?
468
00:19:22,393 --> 00:19:23,226
(heaving)
469
00:19:23,226 --> 00:19:24,527
Well, luckily, it actually...
470
00:19:24,527 --> 00:19:26,694
(heaving)
471
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,527
I don't know what they're
doing to my nipples, but...
472
00:19:32,527 --> 00:19:33,360
Mm-mm.
473
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,850
- I'm sorry. I'm going to
have to stop you there.
474
00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:38,670
One of our members isn't paying attention.
475
00:19:38,670 --> 00:19:41,360
Now, Brick, when one of us is speaking,
476
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,657
the rest of us listen.
477
00:19:43,657 --> 00:19:45,430
- Are you fucking kidding me?
478
00:19:45,430 --> 00:19:47,306
That man is eating his own shit!
479
00:19:47,306 --> 00:19:48,890
(unsettling music)
480
00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,720
- We all come from different places,
481
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,090
and we all have different life paths,
482
00:19:53,090 --> 00:19:56,000
but we must respect one another.
483
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,290
- Cut the horse shit!
484
00:19:57,290 --> 00:19:59,830
No one here has any real problems...
485
00:19:59,830 --> 00:20:01,670
except maybe the shit eater.
486
00:20:01,670 --> 00:20:03,260
This is America.
487
00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:05,610
We have the longest
winning streak in history.
488
00:20:05,610 --> 00:20:07,670
Don't tell me you're tired of winning.
489
00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:09,620
- Viet-fucking-nam, man!
490
00:20:09,620 --> 00:20:10,797
- Shut your pie hole!
491
00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:13,053
And you, shut your shit hole.
492
00:20:14,810 --> 00:20:16,780
This country is so free
493
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:20,437
that if anyone has any
problems, it's their own fault,
494
00:20:20,437 --> 00:20:22,970
or maybe the fault of
some dirty foreigner.
495
00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:25,170
I didn't hear a single
racial slur. Did you?
496
00:20:26,030 --> 00:20:27,830
- This kind of unfocused way of talking
497
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:29,600
is why we're not getting anywhere.
498
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,137
Now, Brick, tell us why you're here.
499
00:20:32,137 --> 00:20:35,060
- The liberal agenda forced
me here against my will.
500
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:36,080
- Really?
501
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,050
Now, why would the liberal
agenda put you here?
502
00:20:39,050 --> 00:20:42,120
- Well, I was just
minding my own business,
503
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,570
doing my part to protect
this great nation of ours,
504
00:20:45,570 --> 00:20:48,033
when I had to defend myself
from an alien menace.
505
00:20:48,033 --> 00:20:50,960
- It says here you shot up a bar.
506
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,780
- Well, you say tomato and I say
507
00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,560
mind your own damn business!
508
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:58,950
Point is I saw a problem, and
I solved it with violence.
509
00:20:58,950 --> 00:21:02,020
It's part of the job.
Happens all the time.
510
00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,160
I'm not the ringleader of this circus,
511
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,720
but someone's got to stick his
head up the elephant's ass.
512
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,440
As far as I'm concerned,
513
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,810
violence is the only thing
that solves anything.
514
00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:12,780
It's the American way.
515
00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:14,540
Think about it.
516
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,160
You, the woman-fearing wuss.
517
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,370
You and I both know that women are engaged
518
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:22,220
in an international
conspiracy to overthrow men.
519
00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:24,010
But when push comes to shove,
520
00:21:24,010 --> 00:21:26,060
we all know that men are stronger.
521
00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:28,903
And you, the self-hating straight boy.
522
00:21:30,050 --> 00:21:31,990
Conversion camps aren't cutting it?
523
00:21:31,990 --> 00:21:34,660
I say start some fights.
524
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,240
Either you'll get the
straight beat out of you,
525
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,370
or you'll beat off some guys.
526
00:21:38,370 --> 00:21:40,670
Either way, you're a winner.
527
00:21:40,670 --> 00:21:43,860
And you, the lefty liberal stooge,
528
00:21:43,860 --> 00:21:45,870
squatting during the National Anthem
529
00:21:45,870 --> 00:21:48,270
to take a shit on the Constitution.
530
00:21:48,270 --> 00:21:49,620
- Why did I get it the worst?
531
00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:52,160
- People wouldn't give you shit
about your opinions on guns
532
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,110
if you carried a gun.
533
00:21:54,110 --> 00:21:57,353
Anyone disagrees with
you, just blow 'em away.
534
00:21:57,353 --> 00:21:59,480
And you, the shit eater.
535
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,997
I'd say you're a lost cause,
536
00:22:00,997 --> 00:22:04,130
and I'd personally like to
put you out of your misery.
537
00:22:04,130 --> 00:22:06,010
But then I'd be just as
bad as the baby killers
538
00:22:06,010 --> 00:22:07,660
from Planned Parenthood.
539
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,830
No.
540
00:22:08,830 --> 00:22:11,438
I say you try a game of Russian roulette.
541
00:22:11,438 --> 00:22:13,370
- It sounds like you have
a lot of issues, Brick,
542
00:22:13,370 --> 00:22:15,160
a lot of issues.
543
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,030
- What?
544
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:17,580
- You've come to the right place.
545
00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:19,610
This is a group that can really help.
546
00:22:19,610 --> 00:22:23,063
This is a group with a hands-on approach.
547
00:22:24,163 --> 00:22:25,080
- What?
548
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,746
Wait.
Get away!
549
00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:27,579
Hey! What are you doing?
550
00:22:27,579 --> 00:22:29,070
Get the hell off of me!
551
00:22:29,070 --> 00:22:30,160
- [Therapy Leader] We're
trying to help you, Brick,
552
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,356
whether you like it or not...
553
00:22:31,356 --> 00:22:32,189
(growling)
554
00:22:32,189 --> 00:22:33,950
with positivity and mindfulness.
555
00:22:33,950 --> 00:22:34,783
- Don't touch me!
556
00:22:34,783 --> 00:22:37,300
- With physical affection
and homoerotic overtones!
557
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:38,170
- That's close enough!
558
00:22:38,170 --> 00:22:39,503
- With interpretive dance!
559
00:22:39,503 --> 00:22:41,170
- I don't need dance to
interpret what's wrong with you!
560
00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:46,170
- With conversation, soul
searching, masculine tea parties.
561
00:22:46,230 --> 00:22:48,448
- If I knew what an oxymoron
was, I'd say you are one.
562
00:22:48,448 --> 00:22:49,281
(gasps)
563
00:22:49,281 --> 00:22:51,395
- [Leader] This would be
easier if you didn't struggle.
564
00:22:51,395 --> 00:22:54,570
- Oh, no. Get off of me you oxymoron!
565
00:22:54,570 --> 00:22:56,302
- One of us!
566
00:22:56,302 --> 00:22:59,635
- [All] One of us, one of us, one of us!
567
00:23:00,512 --> 00:23:03,179
(ominous music)
568
00:23:14,730 --> 00:23:16,120
- So...
569
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,460
- Huh?
570
00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:18,710
- Well, I was just wondering
571
00:23:18,710 --> 00:23:21,260
what made you decide to be
a border security agent?
572
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,109
- Oh.
573
00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:24,330
And why do you?
574
00:23:24,330 --> 00:23:27,313
- To serve my country, do my
part. You know, the usual.
575
00:23:28,270 --> 00:23:29,103
- Typical.
576
00:23:30,490 --> 00:23:31,913
- Do you have a different reason?
577
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:36,040
- To cum.
578
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,900
- Excuse me?
579
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:42,310
- First, I'll pass training and...
580
00:23:43,950 --> 00:23:45,233
get a uniform.
581
00:23:46,710 --> 00:23:50,663
In uniform, girls will find me attractive.
582
00:23:51,630 --> 00:23:54,663
And I will get to select a wife.
583
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,170
On our wedding night...
584
00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:01,023
I'll finally get to cum.
585
00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:05,120
- Okay, welcome new recruits.
586
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,776
You are training batch
number 69 of this year.
587
00:24:08,776 --> 00:24:09,910
(laughing)
588
00:24:09,910 --> 00:24:11,830
Let's start with roll call.
589
00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:13,543
Joey McAllamerican?
590
00:24:13,543 --> 00:24:14,376
- Here!
591
00:24:14,376 --> 00:24:16,100
- Good name. Right on the nose.
592
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:17,030
And...
593
00:24:17,030 --> 00:24:18,810
New Partner?
594
00:24:18,810 --> 00:24:19,643
- Here.
595
00:24:19,643 --> 00:24:21,300
- Your name is New Partner?
596
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:22,147
- Yes, well, I-
597
00:24:22,147 --> 00:24:24,030
- What kind of name is
New Partner for a man?
598
00:24:24,030 --> 00:24:25,090
- No, I'm actually not a m-
599
00:24:25,090 --> 00:24:26,370
- That's right, you're not a man.
600
00:24:26,370 --> 00:24:29,490
You don't get your man card
back until training is over.
601
00:24:29,490 --> 00:24:31,180
Okay, let's get right into it.
602
00:24:31,180 --> 00:24:32,520
Who can tell me
603
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,180
why do you want to be
border security agents?
604
00:24:35,180 --> 00:24:36,110
- To cum!
605
00:24:36,110 --> 00:24:39,080
- Well, yeah, but what's
the number one reason?
606
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,570
That's right, 'cause you get a gun.
607
00:24:41,570 --> 00:24:44,832
So let's start off with
lesson number one, gun safety.
608
00:24:44,832 --> 00:24:46,520
(gun bangs)
609
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:47,379
- Oh my god!
610
00:24:47,379 --> 00:24:49,080
(unsettling music)
611
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,650
- Okay, uh...
612
00:24:50,650 --> 00:24:53,290
Moving along to lesson number eight,
613
00:24:53,290 --> 00:24:55,113
covering up your mistakes.
614
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,343
Typical marijuana-induced suicide.
615
00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,083
Okay, moving on.
616
00:25:07,812 --> 00:25:10,229
(can clunks)
617
00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:12,910
- What happened.
618
00:25:12,910 --> 00:25:14,610
- What happened?
619
00:25:14,610 --> 00:25:16,800
You're looking at the aftermath
of the liberal machine
620
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,360
pounding my ass.
621
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:19,940
One group therapy session,
622
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:21,710
and the next thing I know,
623
00:25:21,710 --> 00:25:24,230
I'm singing and dancing the night away
624
00:25:24,230 --> 00:25:27,170
with a bunch of over-parented,
625
00:25:27,170 --> 00:25:29,060
limp-wrist draft dodgers.
626
00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:30,600
Christ!
627
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,120
What's happened to this country?
628
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,440
What's happened to me?
629
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,310
- You're taking this too far, Brick.
630
00:25:35,310 --> 00:25:38,070
You're not married to me.
You're married to your job.
631
00:25:38,070 --> 00:25:40,540
If you don't quit, I'm leaving you.
632
00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:41,870
- Maybe you're right.
633
00:25:41,870 --> 00:25:42,703
- Oh, Brick.
634
00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:46,060
- I've been around, seen too much.
635
00:25:46,060 --> 00:25:48,200
Thought I had it figured out, but now...
636
00:25:49,757 --> 00:25:52,324
I don't recognize anything anymore.
637
00:25:52,324 --> 00:25:53,430
I...
638
00:25:53,430 --> 00:25:55,100
just can't...
639
00:25:55,100 --> 00:25:56,170
hack it.
640
00:25:56,170 --> 00:25:58,960
- But you can't quit!
You're a national hero.
641
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,250
If you quit, I'm leaving you.
642
00:26:01,250 --> 00:26:02,630
- Maybe you're right.
643
00:26:02,630 --> 00:26:04,230
- Oh, Brick.
644
00:26:04,230 --> 00:26:06,400
- Maybe all I need is one of those...
645
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:07,430
What do you call them?
646
00:26:07,430 --> 00:26:08,500
- A vacation?
647
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:11,720
- No, I need some time not
doing what I always do.
648
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,170
- Like a vacation?
649
00:26:13,170 --> 00:26:14,890
- Now you're gettin' it.
650
00:26:14,890 --> 00:26:19,350
But what does a man do when
he's not doing what he does?
651
00:26:19,350 --> 00:26:21,960
- Well, my friend runs a book
club. You could try that.
652
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,990
- Gimme a break. As if you have friends.
653
00:26:24,990 --> 00:26:27,190
- You're just jealous
that I know how to read.
654
00:26:27,190 --> 00:26:30,550
- That's why I love you,
baby. You tell it like it is.
655
00:26:30,550 --> 00:26:31,860
- There's gotta be something out there
656
00:26:31,860 --> 00:26:33,530
that you've always wanted to try.
657
00:26:33,530 --> 00:26:36,410
- Shooting aliens and driving
cars at dangerous speeds
658
00:26:36,410 --> 00:26:38,820
have been my only hobby
since I was a child.
659
00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:41,170
Joining the force was just
a natural extension of that.
660
00:26:41,170 --> 00:26:43,070
It's all I know.
661
00:26:43,070 --> 00:26:44,820
Nothing else has ever appealed to me.
662
00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:46,060
- While you're figuring that out,
663
00:26:46,060 --> 00:26:48,110
I could use your help around the house.
664
00:26:48,110 --> 00:26:50,990
I've written out a list
of chores for you to do.
665
00:26:50,990 --> 00:26:52,783
- You want me to do chores?
666
00:26:52,783 --> 00:26:55,610
It's as if the pinkos have already won!
667
00:26:55,610 --> 00:26:57,390
- I'm going out to meet some friends.
668
00:26:57,390 --> 00:26:59,840
You can do this. I believe in you.
669
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,859
Just try not to fuck it up.
670
00:27:01,859 --> 00:27:05,192
(emotional piano music)
671
00:27:09,192 --> 00:27:11,775
(upbeat music)
672
00:27:48,181 --> 00:27:49,014
- Exotic.
673
00:27:50,550 --> 00:27:52,480
Hey, little old lady...
674
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,303
- Are you talking to me?
675
00:27:55,303 --> 00:27:58,770
- No, the other old
lady. Who do you think?
676
00:27:58,770 --> 00:28:00,010
Tell me what goes into a pie,
677
00:28:00,010 --> 00:28:03,072
or I'll deport your ass to one
of those shit-hole countries.
678
00:28:03,072 --> 00:28:04,093
- Fuck you, asshole!
679
00:28:05,790 --> 00:28:07,783
- Even the elderly are against me.
680
00:28:10,401 --> 00:28:13,068
(bags rustling)
681
00:28:17,750 --> 00:28:19,109
Is this...
682
00:28:19,109 --> 00:28:19,942
a pie?
683
00:28:46,666 --> 00:28:49,249
(punching bag)
684
00:29:07,740 --> 00:29:09,013
Who you callin' a dummy?
685
00:29:25,860 --> 00:29:26,804
Bitchin'.
686
00:29:26,804 --> 00:29:29,637
(energetic music)
687
00:30:11,620 --> 00:30:13,303
Good afternoon, citizen.
688
00:30:14,228 --> 00:30:15,434
(chuckles)
689
00:30:15,434 --> 00:30:16,912
Nice try, narc.
690
00:30:16,912 --> 00:30:17,890
- Narc?
691
00:30:17,890 --> 00:30:19,310
You're mistaken.
692
00:30:19,310 --> 00:30:22,170
I'm a red-blooded American, just like you.
693
00:30:22,170 --> 00:30:23,570
- What do you want?
694
00:30:23,570 --> 00:30:25,450
- I'm looking for a...
695
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:26,283
chum.
696
00:30:27,269 --> 00:30:28,343
(chuckles)
697
00:30:28,343 --> 00:30:30,050
- A chum? Like for fishing?
698
00:30:30,050 --> 00:30:32,720
- Maybe I'm not making myself clear.
699
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,780
I'm looking for a pal or a buddy.
700
00:30:35,780 --> 00:30:38,050
- What? You want to be my friend?
701
00:30:38,050 --> 00:30:40,360
- I'm a friend to all Americans,
702
00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:43,980
to the Joe six pack, to the common man.
703
00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:44,813
- Look, man...
704
00:30:44,813 --> 00:30:46,773
I already got a bottom bitch.
705
00:30:47,860 --> 00:30:49,247
But if you want seconds...
706
00:30:50,629 --> 00:30:52,546
let's see what you got.
707
00:30:53,984 --> 00:30:56,401
(fly unzips)
708
00:30:57,642 --> 00:30:59,655
Ah, yeah, muffin.
709
00:30:59,655 --> 00:31:02,690
That's the ice cream
right there on the cherry.
710
00:31:02,690 --> 00:31:03,523
Mm!
711
00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:10,114
- Hi, honey? How was your day?
712
00:31:10,114 --> 00:31:11,450
- I...
713
00:31:11,450 --> 00:31:12,620
I don't know.
714
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:14,260
If this is normal,
715
00:31:14,260 --> 00:31:16,400
I don't think I'm cut
out for civilian life.
716
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,610
- Well, did you finish
everything on the list?
717
00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:22,090
- Of course. Brick
always gets the job done.
718
00:31:22,090 --> 00:31:24,943
Pie is fresh out of the
oven. Read it and weep.
719
00:31:31,090 --> 00:31:33,600
- I'm almost afraid to
ask about the basement.
720
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,180
- That was the best part.
721
00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:37,250
Look, I found a camera.
722
00:31:37,250 --> 00:31:38,732
What do you think?
723
00:31:38,732 --> 00:31:41,399
(sensual music)
724
00:31:52,917 --> 00:31:55,770
- You know, Brick, maybe
you should try meditation.
725
00:31:55,770 --> 00:31:57,753
- Nah. I don't like Chinese food.
726
00:32:00,370 --> 00:32:02,540
- Okay, so all you do is sit on the floor
727
00:32:02,540 --> 00:32:04,450
and do absolutely nothing.
728
00:32:04,450 --> 00:32:05,880
- Can I bring my camera?
729
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,850
- No. No cameras, no guns,
no thinking, no nothing.
730
00:32:09,850 --> 00:32:13,493
I know you can do it, sweetie.
Just try not to fuck it up.
731
00:32:19,890 --> 00:32:21,190
- Well...
732
00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:23,473
at least nothing could possibly go wrong.
733
00:32:26,030 --> 00:32:29,200
- My fellow Americans,
I'm here to talk to you
734
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,400
about a very important decision
735
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,450
coming up in the very near future,
736
00:32:33,450 --> 00:32:36,840
the most important decision of your lives.
737
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:39,310
It is a choice, my fellow Americans,
738
00:32:39,310 --> 00:32:44,220
between freedom and slavery,
between strength and ignorance,
739
00:32:44,220 --> 00:32:47,250
between pure masculinity
740
00:32:47,250 --> 00:32:51,373
and limp-wristed, weak,
namby-pamby wussiness.
741
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,340
Yes, my friends, I'm
speaking about the choice
742
00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:57,940
between myself, President Joe,
743
00:32:57,940 --> 00:33:00,300
a man who is already president,
744
00:33:00,300 --> 00:33:04,740
and some liberal, left-wing nut bar
745
00:33:04,740 --> 00:33:07,750
who has never been president
I would like to note,
746
00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:12,201
and whose name is not fit
to pass my manly lips.
747
00:33:12,201 --> 00:33:14,430
(smacks lips)
748
00:33:14,430 --> 00:33:18,060
Now, I know what you're asking.
Is this really a choice?
749
00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:20,903
Well, I don't think so,
and neither should you!
750
00:33:20,903 --> 00:33:24,770
There is only one name you need
to remember on that ballot.
751
00:33:24,770 --> 00:33:26,740
One name that represents freedom.
752
00:33:26,740 --> 00:33:30,060
One name that represents America.
753
00:33:30,060 --> 00:33:32,310
One name that will defend you
754
00:33:32,310 --> 00:33:34,700
from the evils of the liberal agenda.
755
00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:38,490
One name that will defend this planet
756
00:33:38,490 --> 00:33:41,607
from the green scourge that plagues it.
757
00:33:41,607 --> 00:33:43,730
Plagues it? Scourges it?
758
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,130
Green scourge that plagues it?
759
00:33:45,130 --> 00:33:47,107
Green plague that scourges it?
760
00:33:47,107 --> 00:33:48,860
Can you scourge something? Is that...
761
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:49,693
You know what? I don't care.
762
00:33:49,693 --> 00:33:50,526
I don't care. Why am I asking this?
763
00:33:50,526 --> 00:33:51,660
Are we done? All finished?
764
00:33:51,660 --> 00:33:52,670
We done here?
765
00:33:52,670 --> 00:33:53,503
- Great Job, Mr. President.
766
00:33:53,503 --> 00:33:55,510
- "Nice job, Mr. President."
767
00:33:55,510 --> 00:33:57,780
I'm the president. Of course it was great!
768
00:33:57,780 --> 00:34:00,150
Everything I do is great!
769
00:34:00,150 --> 00:34:01,850
Are you implying that at some point
770
00:34:01,850 --> 00:34:03,870
I do anything less than great?
771
00:34:03,870 --> 00:34:05,239
You're fired!
772
00:34:05,239 --> 00:34:06,260
(sighs)
773
00:34:06,260 --> 00:34:09,093
Election bullshit is messing
with my perfect game.
774
00:34:12,525 --> 00:34:13,358
(whacks gulf club)
775
00:34:13,358 --> 00:34:14,660
(sighs)
776
00:34:14,660 --> 00:34:16,140
Son of a bitch!
777
00:34:16,140 --> 00:34:17,115
I mean...
778
00:34:17,115 --> 00:34:18,180
(chuckles)
779
00:34:18,180 --> 00:34:19,240
exactly what intended.
780
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:20,820
Perfect shot as always.
781
00:34:20,820 --> 00:34:22,630
- You're an inspiration to us all, sir.
782
00:34:22,630 --> 00:34:23,463
- I'm gonna cum.
783
00:34:23,463 --> 00:34:26,570
- Well, I am quite amazing.
It's understandable.
784
00:34:26,570 --> 00:34:29,013
But right now I need you to get my balls.
785
00:34:31,511 --> 00:34:33,200
My balls. There's two of them.
786
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:34,730
I don't have them. I don't have any balls.
787
00:34:34,730 --> 00:34:35,900
I need you to go get them.
788
00:34:35,900 --> 00:34:38,650
(birds chirping)
789
00:34:39,655 --> 00:34:41,360
Go on. Get my balls!
790
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:42,660
Am I speaking Martian? Go!
791
00:34:45,780 --> 00:34:47,378
Now you.
792
00:34:47,378 --> 00:34:49,116
Dance for me.
793
00:34:49,116 --> 00:34:51,466
Yeah, yes. Dance for me
right now, here, dance.
794
00:34:52,553 --> 00:34:55,040
Yes. Yes, just like that.
795
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:58,538
Yes, uncomfortable and awkward,
just the way I like it.
796
00:34:58,538 --> 00:35:01,288
(dramatic music)
797
00:35:04,787 --> 00:35:07,037
(thumping)
798
00:35:15,301 --> 00:35:19,180
Use those elbows. Elbows
are the knees of the arm.
799
00:35:19,180 --> 00:35:20,543
Now, my balls.
800
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:26,753
Great Scott!
801
00:35:31,260 --> 00:35:33,290
- Okay now, with all that proper
802
00:35:33,290 --> 00:35:35,360
etiquette bullshit out of the way,
803
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:36,840
we'll be covering self-defense.
804
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:37,700
Sound good?
805
00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:38,540
- Sounds good.
806
00:35:38,540 --> 00:35:41,107
- Okay, bring in the training dummy.
807
00:35:41,107 --> 00:35:43,774
(ominous music)
808
00:35:47,590 --> 00:35:49,870
- That's not a dummy! That's a real man!
809
00:35:49,870 --> 00:35:52,410
- Oh, I assure you he's a dummy.
810
00:35:52,410 --> 00:35:53,670
Isn't that right, dummy?
811
00:35:53,670 --> 00:35:55,150
You want that five bucks?
812
00:35:55,150 --> 00:35:56,100
- Yeah.
813
00:35:56,100 --> 00:35:57,240
Yeah.
814
00:35:57,240 --> 00:35:58,623
It's okay.
815
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:03,180
- I am not beating up this poor man!
816
00:36:03,180 --> 00:36:05,380
- Hey! You want to work with the big boys?
817
00:36:05,380 --> 00:36:06,670
This is how it's done.
818
00:36:06,670 --> 00:36:09,220
Now punch that poor
defenseless man in the stomach.
819
00:36:10,390 --> 00:36:11,950
- I'm so sorry.
820
00:36:11,950 --> 00:36:13,340
- It's fine.
821
00:36:13,340 --> 00:36:14,463
My wife left me.
822
00:36:17,875 --> 00:36:20,125
(grunting)
823
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,353
- Again.
824
00:36:27,353 --> 00:36:30,050
(grunting)
825
00:36:30,050 --> 00:36:31,900
- Oh, look out. He's got a gun.
826
00:36:31,900 --> 00:36:32,733
- What?
827
00:36:32,733 --> 00:36:34,370
- I thought you wanted to protect America.
828
00:36:34,370 --> 00:36:36,140
Finish him off.
829
00:36:36,140 --> 00:36:38,170
- But he's unarmed and on the floor.
830
00:36:38,170 --> 00:36:39,600
I think he's had enough.
831
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:41,629
- I'll tell you when he's had enough.
832
00:36:41,629 --> 00:36:43,121
(gun bangs)
833
00:36:43,121 --> 00:36:44,290
- Oh my god!
834
00:36:44,290 --> 00:36:46,820
- [Trainer] Okay, let's try this again.
835
00:36:46,820 --> 00:36:48,083
Bring in the next dummy.
836
00:36:52,683 --> 00:36:55,500
(dynamic music)
837
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,620
- Breaking news!
838
00:36:56,620 --> 00:36:58,430
The president, while working
hard in the Oval Office,
839
00:36:58,430 --> 00:37:00,420
was kidnapped at a nearby golf course.
840
00:37:00,420 --> 00:37:02,891
Here is exclusive footage of the events
841
00:37:02,891 --> 00:37:05,213
that have left our nation
in a state of emergency.
842
00:37:05,213 --> 00:37:06,046
(shouting)
843
00:37:06,046 --> 00:37:08,060
- Help! Help!
I'm the president, and
I'm being kidnapped!
844
00:37:08,060 --> 00:37:11,270
I told you the alien menace
was real, but no one listened!
845
00:37:11,270 --> 00:37:12,392
They look different than us!
846
00:37:12,392 --> 00:37:13,310
(shouting)
847
00:37:13,310 --> 00:37:15,190
And they're prone to violence!
848
00:37:15,190 --> 00:37:16,780
- [Reporter] Who are you
and what are your demands?
849
00:37:16,780 --> 00:37:18,840
- [Alien] Hey, back off, man!
You think this is a game?
850
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:20,350
I got mouths to feed!
851
00:37:20,350 --> 00:37:21,840
Get that fucking camera out of my face!
852
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,260
- With the president in alien custody,
853
00:37:23,260 --> 00:37:25,320
there is no telling how long this nation
854
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:26,470
can hold itself together.
855
00:37:26,470 --> 00:37:28,490
First, it starts with the socialists
856
00:37:28,490 --> 00:37:30,810
letting the kids in the
neighborhood play in your pool.
857
00:37:30,810 --> 00:37:33,610
And then we're all just looking at the TV
858
00:37:33,610 --> 00:37:36,110
in the Best Buy window,
thinking, "Should I take it?"
859
00:37:36,110 --> 00:37:38,190
I mean, what are we gonna do
without somebody telling us what to do
860
00:37:38,190 --> 00:37:40,000
every minute of the day?
861
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:41,470
We're Americans!
862
00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:43,490
Where is our apple pie gonna get baked
863
00:37:43,490 --> 00:37:45,490
if nobody is there to do the baking?
864
00:37:45,490 --> 00:37:47,040
That's my question.
865
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,710
How are you going to
put food on your table
866
00:37:49,710 --> 00:37:51,240
when there is no table anymore,
867
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:54,620
when there is no American
jobs building the tables
868
00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:58,660
to put in your house to make it a house?
869
00:37:58,660 --> 00:38:00,750
Where are your parents?
They're not gonna help you!
870
00:38:00,750 --> 00:38:03,520
Stay tuned for the footage
of the inevitable riots
871
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,370
that are bound to take place shortly.
872
00:38:08,674 --> 00:38:10,803
(gasps)
873
00:38:10,803 --> 00:38:12,003
- I have to find Brick!
874
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:15,770
You have to untie me!
875
00:38:15,770 --> 00:38:17,572
It's an emergency!
876
00:38:17,572 --> 00:38:18,630
(grunting)
877
00:38:18,630 --> 00:38:19,773
- I don't think so.
878
00:38:20,636 --> 00:38:23,143
You've been a naughty little chieftain.
879
00:38:24,030 --> 00:38:27,860
- What's the damn safe word? I
can't remember the safe word!
880
00:38:27,860 --> 00:38:30,210
- I just wiped my ass
with this piece of toast.
881
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:35,000
Are you going to eat it, or
is it time for a whipping?
882
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,227
- No, no!
883
00:38:36,227 --> 00:38:37,496
Let me go!
884
00:38:37,496 --> 00:38:39,561
(grunting)
885
00:38:39,561 --> 00:38:41,950
- So close!
886
00:38:41,950 --> 00:38:44,050
Inner peace!
887
00:38:44,050 --> 00:38:46,030
I can see it!
888
00:38:46,030 --> 00:38:48,300
Just a few more...
889
00:38:48,300 --> 00:38:49,730
- [Wife] Brick, the Chief is on the phone.
890
00:38:49,730 --> 00:38:51,720
- What? Where am I?
891
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:52,790
What's happening?
892
00:38:52,790 --> 00:38:54,760
- It's called a phone call, you imbecile.
893
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,670
Think you can figure it out?
894
00:38:56,670 --> 00:38:59,957
Of course you can,
because I believe in you.
895
00:39:01,810 --> 00:39:03,260
- Thanks, honey.
896
00:39:03,260 --> 00:39:04,440
Hello, Chief.
897
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:05,950
Yeah, you got it.
898
00:39:05,950 --> 00:39:07,000
- What did he say?
899
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,730
- Chief needs me back.
900
00:39:08,730 --> 00:39:12,660
The nation's in crisis, and
I'm the only man for the job.
901
00:39:12,660 --> 00:39:14,310
This is the big league,
902
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:17,770
and it'll take more than a
Wiffle bat to slam this home run.
903
00:39:17,770 --> 00:39:21,437
(traditional Eastern music)
904
00:39:35,230 --> 00:39:36,710
- You did it, New Partner.
905
00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:38,320
Welcome to the force.
906
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:39,261
Proud of you.
907
00:39:39,261 --> 00:39:40,094
(gentle piano music)
908
00:39:40,094 --> 00:39:41,190
- Proud?
909
00:39:41,190 --> 00:39:42,023
- Damn proud.
910
00:39:42,023 --> 00:39:43,950
Get your ass over to acquisitions,
911
00:39:43,950 --> 00:39:46,260
get yourself a badge, a uniform.
912
00:39:46,260 --> 00:39:48,002
It's time to get you partnered up.
913
00:39:48,002 --> 00:39:51,085
(gentle piano music)
914
00:39:57,270 --> 00:39:59,920
- All right, Chief. What's the scoop?
915
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:01,580
- Scoop?
916
00:40:01,580 --> 00:40:02,980
Where have you been?
917
00:40:02,980 --> 00:40:05,534
The president was kidnapped!
918
00:40:05,534 --> 00:40:06,380
- Are you sure?
919
00:40:06,380 --> 00:40:07,770
- Of course I'm sure!
920
00:40:07,770 --> 00:40:10,750
Haven't you seen the television?
It's on every channel!
921
00:40:10,750 --> 00:40:12,100
Seen the riots?
922
00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:14,670
- Riots?
- Riots on every street.
923
00:40:14,670 --> 00:40:16,070
- I thought people were just celebrating
924
00:40:16,070 --> 00:40:18,880
one of those new age,
hippy-dippy holidays.
925
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:20,130
Wait...
926
00:40:20,130 --> 00:40:20,963
who's that?
927
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:25,150
- Brick, let me introduce you to...
928
00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:27,133
New Partner.
929
00:40:28,070 --> 00:40:29,070
Your new partner.
930
00:40:29,070 --> 00:40:30,230
- Partner?
931
00:40:30,230 --> 00:40:31,550
New?
932
00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:32,950
But, Chief, he's a...
933
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,280
What the hell are you?
934
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,500
- Well, my mother is human
and my father is alien.
935
00:40:39,500 --> 00:40:40,860
They met at University of Toronto,
936
00:40:40,860 --> 00:40:43,650
where my father was an
interplanetary exchange student
937
00:40:43,650 --> 00:40:44,600
with a scholarship in-
938
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:45,950
- Toronto?
939
00:40:45,950 --> 00:40:48,240
Where's that? Pluto?
940
00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:49,250
- Canada.
941
00:40:49,250 --> 00:40:51,910
Point is I'm half human, half alien.
942
00:40:51,910 --> 00:40:54,660
- What does that make you? Mulatto?
943
00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:56,240
- Are you serious?
944
00:40:56,240 --> 00:40:57,410
Is he serious?
945
00:40:57,410 --> 00:40:59,550
- Brick, you can't say that.
946
00:40:59,550 --> 00:41:02,690
- What am I supposed
to say instead? Albino?
947
00:41:02,690 --> 00:41:06,290
- Oh, that is wrong for a
totally other set of reasons.
948
00:41:06,290 --> 00:41:07,313
- Cantaloupe?
949
00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:09,533
- What?
950
00:41:09,533 --> 00:41:11,000
What does that even mean?
951
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,960
- Listen, Brick, this is your new partner,
952
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,280
and you're gonna have to
get used to working together
953
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:18,072
whether you like it or not.
954
00:41:18,072 --> 00:41:20,460
(slams table)
- But Chief, only American citizens
955
00:41:20,460 --> 00:41:22,240
can serve in Border Patrol!
956
00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:25,390
- For your information, I
was born here just like you.
957
00:41:25,390 --> 00:41:27,970
I'm a fully licensed, legal citizen.
958
00:41:27,970 --> 00:41:30,520
- I'll believe it when I
see the birth certificate.
959
00:41:31,909 --> 00:41:34,150
(paper rustling)
960
00:41:34,150 --> 00:41:35,790
This is horse shit, Chief!
961
00:41:35,790 --> 00:41:38,090
I'll bet he doesn't even
know the secret handshake!
962
00:41:38,090 --> 00:41:39,790
- I'm gonna level with you, Brick.
963
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:43,110
The liberal agenda isn't very pleased
964
00:41:43,110 --> 00:41:45,270
with your group therapy session.
965
00:41:45,270 --> 00:41:47,070
We need you back,
966
00:41:47,070 --> 00:41:50,350
but they will only let you
back under two conditions.
967
00:41:50,350 --> 00:41:51,183
One...
968
00:41:52,460 --> 00:41:53,293
no guns.
969
00:41:53,293 --> 00:41:54,860
- Are you kidding me?
970
00:41:54,860 --> 00:41:56,970
- And number two...
971
00:41:56,970 --> 00:41:59,160
you're gonna have to
take New Partner along
972
00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:00,540
as a sign of good faith.
973
00:42:00,540 --> 00:42:01,820
- Good faith?
974
00:42:01,820 --> 00:42:02,653
No gun?
975
00:42:02,653 --> 00:42:05,110
Is that what you call good faith?
976
00:42:05,110 --> 00:42:08,000
How am I supposed to
protect this great nation?
977
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:10,140
How am I supposed to protect myself
978
00:42:10,140 --> 00:42:12,350
when this green pinko freak
979
00:42:12,350 --> 00:42:15,130
inevitably tries to
shove a probe up my ass?
980
00:42:15,130 --> 00:42:17,470
- Actually, that's a common misconception.
981
00:42:17,470 --> 00:42:21,353
We only shove probes up our own
asses, never someone else's.
982
00:42:22,873 --> 00:42:26,410
- Ah, you hear that? Your
ass is perfectly safe.
983
00:42:26,410 --> 00:42:29,320
- Yeah? What about my figurative ass?
984
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:31,350
My literal ass won't be worth shit
985
00:42:31,350 --> 00:42:35,360
if he can't cover my ass,
figuratively, on the street.
986
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,380
You need someone you can trust,
987
00:42:37,380 --> 00:42:41,860
someone who's got your
back and front, literally.
988
00:42:41,860 --> 00:42:43,210
- My hands are tied, Brick.
989
00:42:44,450 --> 00:42:45,800
Give him a shot, will ya?
990
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:47,640
He's passed all the same tests,
991
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:50,000
had all the same training as you.
992
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,663
Why, he's as American as mincemeat pie.
993
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,750
- You can count on me, Brick!
994
00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:58,260
Listen here, Slick.
995
00:42:58,260 --> 00:43:00,797
I may not like you, I may not trust you,
996
00:43:00,797 --> 00:43:02,770
but you can count on one thing.
997
00:43:02,770 --> 00:43:04,560
I am watching you.
998
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,050
If you so much as look at me funny
999
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:08,960
with those things you call eyes,
1000
00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:12,070
I will kick your ass all the
way back to the outer cosmos,
1001
00:43:12,070 --> 00:43:13,700
where you came from.
1002
00:43:13,700 --> 00:43:14,960
Oh, one thing...
1003
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:16,240
I always drive.
1004
00:43:16,240 --> 00:43:17,560
- Um...
1005
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:19,320
No, Brick, you can't drive.
1006
00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:20,153
- What?
1007
00:43:29,785 --> 00:43:31,370
Do you have to do that?
1008
00:43:31,370 --> 00:43:32,880
- Do what?
1009
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,980
- Drive like that?
1010
00:43:34,980 --> 00:43:36,950
- What are you talking about?
1011
00:43:36,950 --> 00:43:39,580
- The way you drive, it lacks the...
1012
00:43:39,580 --> 00:43:43,450
the pizzazz, the hip hop groove
1013
00:43:43,450 --> 00:43:46,650
that tells citizens you're street savvy.
1014
00:43:46,650 --> 00:43:49,040
- None of that made any sense.
1015
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,240
- Listen, if you just pull
over, I could show you-
1016
00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:52,073
- Nope! No way.
1017
00:43:52,073 --> 00:43:53,830
The Chief will have both of our asses.
1018
00:43:53,830 --> 00:43:57,170
- There you go, thinking
about asses again.
1019
00:43:57,170 --> 00:44:00,913
You've got a one-track mind,
assuming you have a mind.
1020
00:44:03,235 --> 00:44:04,095
(turns on radio)
1021
00:44:04,095 --> 00:44:05,280
- What are you doing?
1022
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,490
- Putting on some kick-ass tunes.
1023
00:44:07,490 --> 00:44:09,570
Nothing gets me in the mood to kick ass
1024
00:44:09,570 --> 00:44:11,650
like a kick-ass soundtrack.
1025
00:44:11,650 --> 00:44:12,483
- Could you not?
1026
00:44:12,483 --> 00:44:14,660
I don't like distractions
while I'm driving.
1027
00:44:14,660 --> 00:44:17,280
- That may be the lamest
thing I've ever heard!
1028
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:18,420
And I've heard more than my share
1029
00:44:18,420 --> 00:44:20,290
of the flag-burning Dixie Chicks.
1030
00:44:20,290 --> 00:44:22,190
How are we supposed to enforce the law
1031
00:44:22,190 --> 00:44:23,900
without a kick-ass soundtrack?
1032
00:44:23,900 --> 00:44:26,040
- This isn't a movie, Brick.
1033
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:27,210
- My life...
1034
00:44:27,210 --> 00:44:28,170
is...
1035
00:44:28,170 --> 00:44:29,120
a movie.
1036
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,970
- Well, mine isn't.
I happen to take my job very seriously.
1037
00:44:31,970 --> 00:44:34,670
I act very professional
and respectful to others.
1038
00:44:34,670 --> 00:44:38,130
- We're talking about foreign
invaders, illegal aliens.
1039
00:44:38,130 --> 00:44:39,960
They may be the same color as you,
1040
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:41,900
but they don't deserve your respect.
1041
00:44:41,900 --> 00:44:44,270
If I knew what a conflict of interest was,
1042
00:44:44,270 --> 00:44:45,820
I'd say I detect one.
1043
00:44:45,820 --> 00:44:48,010
- Well, there is no conflict of interest.
1044
00:44:48,010 --> 00:44:49,570
- What's a conflict of interest?
1045
00:44:49,570 --> 00:44:51,570
- Any suspect deserves our respect
1046
00:44:51,570 --> 00:44:53,170
until they've been proven guilty.
1047
00:44:53,170 --> 00:44:55,030
- Cut the horse shit, New Partner!
1048
00:44:55,030 --> 00:44:57,320
I've been doing this job
a lot longer than you.
1049
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:00,760
It's simple. We see perps, we bust 'em!
1050
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:02,160
- You mean arrest them?
1051
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:06,220
- If by arrest, you mean
execute with extreme prejudice,
1052
00:45:06,220 --> 00:45:08,250
then the answer is yes.
1053
00:45:08,250 --> 00:45:10,730
- Well, that's not what they
taught us in the academy.
1054
00:45:10,730 --> 00:45:13,540
- Listen, there's what they
teach you in the Academy,
1055
00:45:13,540 --> 00:45:15,610
and there's what you learn on the street.
1056
00:45:15,610 --> 00:45:17,830
When we're out there and things get hairy,
1057
00:45:17,830 --> 00:45:19,710
you've gotta think fast.
1058
00:45:19,710 --> 00:45:21,930
And I didn't bring my
razor blade for shaving
1059
00:45:21,930 --> 00:45:23,500
if you catch my drift.
1060
00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:25,780
- Is that a literal or a figurative razor?
1061
00:45:25,780 --> 00:45:26,820
- Literal.
1062
00:45:26,820 --> 00:45:27,920
See?
1063
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:29,840
- I thought you said you didn't bring one.
1064
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,860
I didn't bring my figurative razor,
1065
00:45:31,860 --> 00:45:33,950
but I did bring my literal razor.
1066
00:45:33,950 --> 00:45:35,220
- So what's it for?
1067
00:45:35,220 --> 00:45:36,260
- Branding
1068
00:45:36,260 --> 00:45:39,550
To let the perp's buddies know
that their time is coming,
1069
00:45:39,550 --> 00:45:42,280
that Brick's on the case,
and I'm coming for them,
1070
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,040
and they're not gonna get away that easy.
1071
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:47,700
- Jesus Christ, Brick! You
brand suspects with a razor?
1072
00:45:47,700 --> 00:45:50,150
- You say that as if there's
something wrong with that.
1073
00:45:50,150 --> 00:45:51,350
- It is wrong!
1074
00:45:51,350 --> 00:45:53,630
You're like some kind
of a prehistoric moron.
1075
00:45:53,630 --> 00:45:55,300
- Listen, we're the good guys.
1076
00:45:55,300 --> 00:45:57,680
That's what sets us
apart from the bad guys.
1077
00:45:57,680 --> 00:45:59,970
Everything we do is good by default,
1078
00:45:59,970 --> 00:46:02,330
just like everything they do is bad.
1079
00:46:02,330 --> 00:46:05,910
Every time they breathe
the fresh American air,
1080
00:46:05,910 --> 00:46:07,470
they commit a crime,
1081
00:46:07,470 --> 00:46:10,780
and I will personally suck
the air out of their lungs.
1082
00:46:10,780 --> 00:46:12,530
You worry me, New Partner.
1083
00:46:12,530 --> 00:46:14,420
I need to know I can trust you.
1084
00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:16,070
When push comes to shove,
1085
00:46:16,070 --> 00:46:17,980
I need to know you're in my corner,
1086
00:46:17,980 --> 00:46:22,980
landing spectacular hip shots
with a pistol called justice.
1087
00:46:23,020 --> 00:46:24,090
You follow?
1088
00:46:24,090 --> 00:46:25,379
- I-
- Ooh, coffee! Pull over!
1089
00:46:25,379 --> 00:46:26,212
(tires screeching)
1090
00:46:26,212 --> 00:46:28,712
(cat screams)
1091
00:46:30,239 --> 00:46:32,572
(squeaking)
1092
00:46:38,830 --> 00:46:42,270
- Okay, here's your coffee
with cream and sugar.
1093
00:46:42,270 --> 00:46:43,500
- Perfect.
1094
00:46:43,500 --> 00:46:45,480
This is what it's all about.
1095
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:48,980
All-American drink from an
all-American establishment.
1096
00:46:48,980 --> 00:46:50,840
This is what we're fighting for.
1097
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,660
This is why we put our lives on the line.
1098
00:46:53,660 --> 00:46:55,540
Wait, what did you get?
1099
00:46:55,540 --> 00:46:56,453
- Soy drink.
1100
00:46:57,317 --> 00:46:58,526
(groans)
1101
00:46:58,526 --> 00:46:59,359
Are you-
1102
00:46:59,359 --> 00:47:00,720
What in the fuck?
1103
00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:04,060
You almost made me spit out
my fine American coffee.
1104
00:47:04,060 --> 00:47:05,930
Is this some kind of joke?
1105
00:47:05,930 --> 00:47:07,920
- I can't have sugar or dairy.
1106
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,502
My body doesn't produce the
enzymes necessary to digest-
1107
00:47:10,502 --> 00:47:11,335
- Christ!
1108
00:47:11,335 --> 00:47:14,060
Next thing you'll tell me
you don't drink booze either.
1109
00:47:14,060 --> 00:47:15,726
- [New Partner] Well, I-
- You know what?
1110
00:47:15,726 --> 00:47:17,750
I don't want to hear
another one of your excuses.
1111
00:47:17,750 --> 00:47:21,270
My red-blooded American
heart can only bleed so much.
1112
00:47:21,270 --> 00:47:23,070
- [Dispatcher] Calling
any available officers.
1113
00:47:23,070 --> 00:47:24,670
There's a situation in progress.
1114
00:47:24,670 --> 00:47:28,203
Possible illegal alien safe
Haven located downtown.
1115
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,469
- Finally, some action! Hit it!
1116
00:47:31,469 --> 00:47:34,219
(dramatic music)
1117
00:47:37,691 --> 00:47:39,738
(seat belt clicks)
1118
00:47:39,738 --> 00:47:42,203
(dramatic music)
1119
00:47:42,203 --> 00:47:45,570
- All right. It's your first
day, so I'll keep it simple.
1120
00:47:45,570 --> 00:47:48,700
Button hook entrance,
spray everything in sight,
1121
00:47:48,700 --> 00:47:52,010
and when backup arrives, we
tell them they shot first
1122
00:47:52,010 --> 00:47:54,550
and threatened to undermine
the pursuit of happiness.
1123
00:47:54,550 --> 00:47:56,320
- No! I'm not doing that!
1124
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:58,600
- Fine, wimp.
1125
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:00,130
We'll tell 'em they made lewd gestures
1126
00:48:00,130 --> 00:48:01,630
towards the Statue of Liberty.
1127
00:48:01,630 --> 00:48:02,700
And if they investigate-
1128
00:48:02,700 --> 00:48:06,120
- No! I mean we're not gonna
shoot up the place willy nilly.
1129
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:08,980
- This is no time to be
trigger shy, New Partner.
1130
00:48:08,980 --> 00:48:11,920
Are you a can-aloupe or a can't-aloupe?
1131
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:13,900
- I don't even know what that means.
1132
00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:15,830
- If we start arresting aliens,
1133
00:48:15,830 --> 00:48:19,580
it could take hours, maybe
even days to process them all.
1134
00:48:19,580 --> 00:48:21,800
Do you have any idea how much that'll cost
1135
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:23,810
the all-American taxpayer?
1136
00:48:23,810 --> 00:48:25,450
- I don't care how much it costs!
1137
00:48:25,450 --> 00:48:27,330
There could be innocent people inside.
1138
00:48:27,330 --> 00:48:28,820
Besides, there's protocol to follow.
1139
00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:29,980
- Protocol?
1140
00:48:29,980 --> 00:48:32,890
How long have you been dry
humping the liberal agenda?
1141
00:48:32,890 --> 00:48:34,870
You protocol-following pansy!
1142
00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:36,600
- I don't have to take
this abuse from you.
1143
00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:38,743
I've got the gun. We're doing this my way.
1144
00:48:39,647 --> 00:48:43,320
- All right, tough guy.
What's your big idea?
1145
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:44,420
- Knock.
1146
00:48:44,420 --> 00:48:45,500
- Knock?
1147
00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:47,920
- I'm gonna knock, look inside.
1148
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:49,440
If I see anything suspicious,
1149
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:51,483
we'll have probable cause to enter.
1150
00:48:52,970 --> 00:48:55,470
- Fine, we'll try it your way.
1151
00:48:55,470 --> 00:48:57,734
But you wouldn't be so
tough without that gun.
1152
00:48:57,734 --> 00:48:58,567
(knocks)
1153
00:48:58,567 --> 00:49:00,020
My turn!
1154
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:03,500
(kicks in door)
1155
00:49:03,500 --> 00:49:05,255
Just as I thought!
1156
00:49:05,255 --> 00:49:08,894
A group of alien scum undermining
the pursuit of happiness.
1157
00:49:08,894 --> 00:49:10,070
- You can all just stay right there.
1158
00:49:10,070 --> 00:49:11,705
We just have a few questions.
1159
00:49:11,705 --> 00:49:14,038
(squeaking)
1160
00:49:15,140 --> 00:49:16,480
- Look over there!
1161
00:49:16,480 --> 00:49:18,170
Their sinister alien leader!
1162
00:49:18,170 --> 00:49:20,010
You stay here and deal with the paperwork.
1163
00:49:20,010 --> 00:49:22,172
This load's about to be toast.
1164
00:49:22,172 --> 00:49:24,922
(dramatic music)
1165
00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:16,450
Gotcha, you green, gutless jabroni!
1166
00:50:16,450 --> 00:50:20,450
Now, spill the beans
before I spill your guts.
1167
00:50:20,450 --> 00:50:22,660
What are you doing making American flags?
1168
00:50:22,660 --> 00:50:24,220
Those are quality jobs that should go
1169
00:50:24,220 --> 00:50:26,480
to average Joe Americans.
1170
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:27,890
- [Alien] It's too late, Brick.
1171
00:50:27,890 --> 00:50:30,260
We're too deep in the system now.
1172
00:50:30,260 --> 00:50:31,610
- Wait a minute, Brick.
1173
00:50:31,610 --> 00:50:32,723
He's not an alien.
1174
00:50:33,600 --> 00:50:34,800
I think he's wearing a mask.
1175
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:36,053
- A mask?
1176
00:50:37,570 --> 00:50:38,930
Oh!
1177
00:50:38,930 --> 00:50:40,250
Oh, shit!
1178
00:50:40,250 --> 00:50:42,100
You're a badder dude than I thought.
1179
00:50:42,100 --> 00:50:44,010
You just ripped his face off!
1180
00:50:44,010 --> 00:50:45,890
- I didn't rip his face off, Brick!
1181
00:50:45,890 --> 00:50:48,000
He's a white man disguised as an alien.
1182
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,350
I bet you he's using them
to run his sweatshop.
1183
00:50:51,700 --> 00:50:52,950
- That's not possible.
1184
00:50:52,950 --> 00:50:54,810
The big shots at the top are looking out
1185
00:50:54,810 --> 00:50:56,950
for the little guys like you and me.
1186
00:50:56,950 --> 00:50:58,600
They wouldn't give our jobs away.
1187
00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:00,693
He...
1188
00:51:00,693 --> 00:51:02,163
He must be an alien, right?
1189
00:51:03,210 --> 00:51:06,830
Did you use your space
laser to fry my brain?
1190
00:51:06,830 --> 00:51:07,663
What...
1191
00:51:07,663 --> 00:51:09,510
What's happening to me?
1192
00:51:09,510 --> 00:51:10,343
You're...
1193
00:51:10,343 --> 00:51:12,310
You're both aliens, huh?
1194
00:51:12,310 --> 00:51:13,620
I'll kill you!
1195
00:51:13,620 --> 00:51:14,966
I'll kill you all!
1196
00:51:14,966 --> 00:51:16,033
(grunting)
1197
00:51:16,033 --> 00:51:19,647
Get your paws off me, you
damn, dirty space ape!
1198
00:51:24,810 --> 00:51:25,643
- Sheila...
1199
00:51:25,643 --> 00:51:27,303
No, listen to me, Sheila!
1200
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:29,730
She's a lying whore!
1201
00:51:29,730 --> 00:51:31,913
I don't know anybody named Ass Breaker.
1202
00:51:33,290 --> 00:51:37,463
No, no, wait. Did you say
Ass Breaker or Ass Dominator?
1203
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:42,344
Because I might know
someone named Ass Dominator.
1204
00:51:42,344 --> 00:51:43,330
(thud)
1205
00:51:43,330 --> 00:51:44,690
Ow!
1206
00:51:44,690 --> 00:51:45,690
- I'm off the force.
1207
00:51:47,530 --> 00:51:48,912
- Brick, wait!
1208
00:51:48,912 --> 00:51:49,860
(delicate piano music)
1209
00:51:49,860 --> 00:51:51,540
Please, Brick.
1210
00:51:51,540 --> 00:51:52,640
We need you.
1211
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,010
- Need me? You don't need me.
1212
00:51:55,010 --> 00:51:56,270
I'm a relic.
1213
00:51:56,270 --> 00:51:58,660
I should be working in a post office.
1214
00:51:58,660 --> 00:52:01,140
This force used to stand for something,
1215
00:52:01,140 --> 00:52:02,850
something that made sense.
1216
00:52:02,850 --> 00:52:05,580
Now, everywhere I look,
1217
00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:08,470
I hear people whining for human rights.
1218
00:52:08,470 --> 00:52:10,733
They even want human rights for aliens!
1219
00:52:11,900 --> 00:52:13,850
- The times they are a-changin', Brick.
1220
00:52:14,980 --> 00:52:16,170
But so can you.
1221
00:52:16,170 --> 00:52:18,710
- I can't change. It's too late for me.
1222
00:52:18,710 --> 00:52:20,680
Look at what I've been reduced to.
1223
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:23,660
No gun, no fast, reckless driving,
1224
00:52:23,660 --> 00:52:26,159
and I've been partnered with the enemy.
1225
00:52:26,159 --> 00:52:29,537
The system's broken, Chief, and
the liberal agenda broke it.
1226
00:52:29,537 --> 00:52:32,170
- You're the only one
that can fix it, Brick.
1227
00:52:32,170 --> 00:52:33,850
- It's too late!
1228
00:52:33,850 --> 00:52:36,110
I used to make a difference around here.
1229
00:52:36,110 --> 00:52:38,410
Now I'm just in the way.
1230
00:52:38,410 --> 00:52:40,180
- But where will you go?
1231
00:52:40,180 --> 00:52:41,270
- I don't know.
1232
00:52:41,270 --> 00:52:43,940
Somewhere where things still make sense.
1233
00:52:43,940 --> 00:52:44,957
One thing's for sure.
1234
00:52:44,957 --> 00:52:47,170
I'm not gonna find that
place standing around
1235
00:52:47,170 --> 00:52:48,520
gabbing with you.
1236
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:52,200
- You might want to
consider South Carolina.
1237
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,870
- Yeah, it's on my list.
1238
00:52:54,870 --> 00:52:57,270
Goodbye, Chief, and good luck.
1239
00:52:57,270 --> 00:52:58,540
You're gonna need it.
1240
00:52:58,540 --> 00:53:00,290
- Godspeed, Brick.
1241
00:53:00,290 --> 00:53:02,046
I hope you find what you're looking for.
1242
00:53:02,046 --> 00:53:05,546
(emotional country music)
1243
00:53:09,786 --> 00:53:12,681
♪ Mama always told me ♪
1244
00:53:12,681 --> 00:53:16,361
♪ That you were too good for me ♪
1245
00:53:16,361 --> 00:53:21,361
♪ That you'd leave when
you figured it out ♪
1246
00:53:21,935 --> 00:53:24,939
♪ Easy just to laugh it off ♪
1247
00:53:24,939 --> 00:53:29,119
♪ This busy body crazy talk ♪
1248
00:53:29,119 --> 00:53:34,119
♪ Besides we were in love ♪
1249
00:53:34,122 --> 00:53:36,969
♪ But you walked right up to me ♪
1250
00:53:36,969 --> 00:53:40,692
♪ And you told me that you hated me ♪
1251
00:53:40,692 --> 00:53:43,163
♪ I died a bit that day ♪
1252
00:53:43,163 --> 00:53:48,163
♪ Tell me what was I s'posed to say ♪
1253
00:53:49,385 --> 00:53:54,385
♪ I died a little that day ♪
1254
00:53:55,733 --> 00:53:58,831
♪ Turns out Mama was right ♪
1255
00:53:58,831 --> 00:54:02,941
♪ She always spoke the truth ♪
1256
00:54:02,941 --> 00:54:04,983
♪ Don't talk to girls ♪
1257
00:54:04,983 --> 00:54:09,012
♪ I didn't listen till ♪
1258
00:54:09,012 --> 00:54:11,066
♪ Don't talk to girls ♪
1259
00:54:11,066 --> 00:54:15,090
♪ I never needed you ♪
1260
00:54:15,090 --> 00:54:17,160
♪ Don't talk to girls ♪
1261
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:21,265
♪ I never needed you needed you ♪
1262
00:54:21,265 --> 00:54:23,175
♪ Don't talk to girls ♪
1263
00:54:23,175 --> 00:54:27,261
♪ She always spoke the truth ♪
1264
00:54:27,261 --> 00:54:29,392
♪ Don't talk to girls ♪
1265
00:54:29,392 --> 00:54:32,160
(door closes)
1266
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:33,310
- [Wife] You're home early.
1267
00:54:33,310 --> 00:54:35,670
- Yeah. I took a shortcut.
1268
00:54:35,670 --> 00:54:36,900
Listen, I've got to tell you something,
1269
00:54:36,900 --> 00:54:39,520
and it's not gonna be easy.
1270
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:40,883
- Sweetie, there's nothing. You can say
1271
00:54:40,883 --> 00:54:42,790
that I wouldn't understand.
1272
00:54:42,790 --> 00:54:44,140
- I quit the force.
1273
00:54:44,140 --> 00:54:45,630
- God damn it, Brick!
1274
00:54:45,630 --> 00:54:48,180
You've always been a
fuck up, you know that?
1275
00:54:48,180 --> 00:54:51,360
I knew I should have married
that Texas oil tycoon.
1276
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:53,340
- They didn't leave me any option.
1277
00:54:53,340 --> 00:54:56,650
World's changed, and it's left me behind.
1278
00:54:56,650 --> 00:54:59,350
I'm washed up, burnt out.
1279
00:54:59,350 --> 00:55:01,120
Like one of those foreign-made cars
1280
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:02,900
with superior gas mileage.
1281
00:55:02,900 --> 00:55:06,240
- There's only one thing you
can do to make this right.
1282
00:55:06,240 --> 00:55:08,920
- Go back to school? Get another job?
1283
00:55:08,920 --> 00:55:11,160
Make positive changes in my life?
1284
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:13,810
- No. You should drink
yourself into a stupor.
1285
00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:14,980
- You're right.
1286
00:55:14,980 --> 00:55:18,380
I can always count on your
female intuition, wife.
1287
00:55:18,380 --> 00:55:21,110
- [Wife] Stop calling me
that! I'm not your wife.
1288
00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:24,010
- What?
- Here, take this giant bottle of booze,
1289
00:55:24,010 --> 00:55:25,440
go into the meditation room,
1290
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:27,900
and don't come out until
your head's on straight.
1291
00:55:27,900 --> 00:55:30,823
- That's a lot of booze.
That could probably kill me.
1292
00:55:32,030 --> 00:55:33,561
- We can only hope.
1293
00:55:33,561 --> 00:55:36,728
(gentle guitar music)
1294
00:55:38,950 --> 00:55:41,453
- Hey, Brick. Good to
see you again, buddy.
1295
00:55:42,290 --> 00:55:44,400
Remember that time we went to the park?
1296
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:45,310
Good times.
1297
00:55:45,310 --> 00:55:48,477
(gentle guitar music)
1298
00:55:56,920 --> 00:55:59,680
Hey, Brick. Good to see you again.
1299
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:02,030
Remember that time we played sport?
1300
00:56:02,030 --> 00:56:03,071
Good times.
1301
00:56:03,071 --> 00:56:06,238
(gentle guitar music)
1302
00:56:14,930 --> 00:56:18,070
Hey, Brick. Good to see you again.
1303
00:56:18,070 --> 00:56:19,930
Remember that time we went fishing?
1304
00:56:19,930 --> 00:56:21,514
Goo-
(screaming)
1305
00:56:21,514 --> 00:56:22,347
(chainsaw buzzing)
1306
00:56:22,347 --> 00:56:23,221
Oh, god!
1307
00:56:23,221 --> 00:56:24,221
I'm melting!
1308
00:56:27,924 --> 00:56:30,580
(groaning)
1309
00:56:30,580 --> 00:56:32,393
- Oh, you're still alive.
1310
00:56:34,270 --> 00:56:35,410
- I...
1311
00:56:35,410 --> 00:56:38,650
think I just had an apostrophe.
1312
00:56:38,650 --> 00:56:42,080
I think it said I have to...
1313
00:56:42,080 --> 00:56:43,560
go on.
1314
00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:45,040
I have...
1315
00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:47,030
unfinished business.
1316
00:56:47,030 --> 00:56:49,960
- Will this unfinished business
keep you out of the house?
1317
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:51,740
- Yeah, I think so.
1318
00:56:51,740 --> 00:56:55,030
- Then I say go for it,
sweetie! I believe in you.
1319
00:56:55,030 --> 00:56:57,360
- But first I'm gonna need some help.
1320
00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:58,570
Some...
1321
00:56:58,570 --> 00:57:01,520
Majestic, wizard-like help.
1322
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:02,670
- And where will you find that?
1323
00:57:02,670 --> 00:57:06,821
- You meet a lot of strange
people in my line of work.
1324
00:57:06,821 --> 00:57:09,571
(dramatic music)
1325
00:57:13,243 --> 00:57:16,180
(emotional blues music)
1326
00:57:16,180 --> 00:57:17,433
All right, where is he?
1327
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:19,953
Him?
1328
00:57:21,530 --> 00:57:24,620
- Mother of God! No, not him.
1329
00:57:24,620 --> 00:57:27,260
The magic man with the tricks.
1330
00:57:27,260 --> 00:57:29,380
- This isn't that kind of bar.
1331
00:57:29,380 --> 00:57:31,020
- What do you take me for?
1332
00:57:31,020 --> 00:57:33,193
I saw him. I was here.
1333
00:57:34,090 --> 00:57:36,340
At first I thought it was slight of hand,
1334
00:57:36,340 --> 00:57:38,730
but when he survived my hail of bullets
1335
00:57:38,730 --> 00:57:40,940
I knew it was the real thing.
1336
00:57:40,940 --> 00:57:42,720
- Oh, you mean Terry.
1337
00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:44,600
- I mean the wizard.
1338
00:57:44,600 --> 00:57:46,070
- Okay, the last time you were in here
1339
00:57:46,070 --> 00:57:47,330
you shot up the whole bar.
1340
00:57:47,330 --> 00:57:49,170
I'm still cleaning blood off the walls.
1341
00:57:49,170 --> 00:57:51,490
Why would I just give him your address?
1342
00:57:51,490 --> 00:57:54,537
- Because the future of your
country may depend on it.
1343
00:57:54,537 --> 00:57:57,500
And the future of your ass
definitely depends on it!
1344
00:57:57,500 --> 00:57:59,450
- Are you sure you're in the right bar?
1345
00:58:02,577 --> 00:58:05,494
(fingers breaking)
1346
00:58:08,940 --> 00:58:10,667
- The address.
1347
00:58:10,667 --> 00:58:11,500
Now!
1348
00:58:11,500 --> 00:58:14,413
(fingers breaking)
1349
00:58:14,413 --> 00:58:16,663
(knocking)
1350
00:58:18,980 --> 00:58:20,590
Wizard.
1351
00:58:20,590 --> 00:58:21,500
- What?
1352
00:58:21,500 --> 00:58:24,600
- I have searched far and
wide to find you, wizard.
1353
00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:26,836
From the bar to the...
1354
00:58:26,836 --> 00:58:28,260
Well, I guess just the bar.
1355
00:58:28,260 --> 00:58:29,960
But the point remains.
1356
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:31,780
I've sought you out because I must learn
1357
00:58:31,780 --> 00:58:34,390
the mystical ways of our ancestors
1358
00:58:34,390 --> 00:58:37,363
to defeat the evil from outer space.
1359
00:58:38,650 --> 00:58:40,630
- Hey, aren't you, that
guy that fired off a gun
1360
00:58:40,630 --> 00:58:42,190
at my last show?
1361
00:58:42,190 --> 00:58:44,170
- Let's leave the past in the past,
1362
00:58:44,170 --> 00:58:45,980
except for the part about the magic.
1363
00:58:45,980 --> 00:58:47,260
I need that in the now.
1364
00:58:47,260 --> 00:58:49,363
- Wait, do you think magic's real?
1365
00:58:50,810 --> 00:58:52,500
Look, man, I'm not a wizard.
1366
00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,563
I just perform shitty magic tricks
1367
00:58:54,563 --> 00:58:56,350
that anyone could do at a bar.
1368
00:58:56,350 --> 00:58:57,320
- This be enough?
1369
00:58:57,320 --> 00:58:59,423
- I am the fucking wizard. Come in, sir.
1370
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:05,840
- Wow.
1371
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:07,473
It's exactly how I imagined.
1372
00:59:08,470 --> 00:59:09,530
- Yeah.
1373
00:59:09,530 --> 00:59:12,290
My familiar threw a shit fit last week.
1374
00:59:12,290 --> 00:59:14,653
Took the kids. You know, wizard stuff.
1375
00:59:16,690 --> 00:59:17,523
- Intriguing.
1376
00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:21,003
What's this?
1377
00:59:21,003 --> 00:59:23,780
It's for Klinefelter syndrome.
1378
00:59:23,780 --> 00:59:26,010
Uh, it's magic fairy dust.
1379
00:59:26,010 --> 00:59:28,220
I freebase magic fairy dust.
1380
00:59:28,220 --> 00:59:29,830
What can I do for you?
1381
00:59:29,830 --> 00:59:31,830
- I'll save you the
trouble of reading my mind
1382
00:59:31,830 --> 00:59:33,550
and cut to the chase.
1383
00:59:33,550 --> 00:59:35,210
- Yeah, thanks.
1384
00:59:35,210 --> 00:59:38,800
- There's a storm coming,
but this ain't no hurricane.
1385
00:59:38,800 --> 00:59:42,730
No, these tornadoes
aren't a force of nature
1386
00:59:42,730 --> 00:59:47,480
but a force of anger
against the non-man menace
1387
00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:49,023
if you catch my drift.
1388
00:59:49,980 --> 00:59:51,513
- No, not at all.
1389
00:59:52,542 --> 00:59:53,642
Did you say something?
1390
00:59:57,170 --> 00:59:58,860
The president has been kidnapped,
1391
00:59:58,860 --> 01:00:01,430
and I need to harvest your magic powers
1392
01:00:01,430 --> 01:00:05,160
so I can mount a rescue mission
against impossible odds.
1393
01:00:05,160 --> 01:00:06,292
Here, I brought my drill.
1394
01:00:06,292 --> 01:00:07,125
(drill buzzing)
1395
01:00:07,125 --> 01:00:08,250
Hold still for a minute, will ya?
1396
01:00:08,250 --> 01:00:09,083
- Whoa, man, chill.
1397
01:00:09,083 --> 01:00:10,920
You don't got magic powers by drilling it
1398
01:00:10,920 --> 01:00:12,300
out of someone's skull!
1399
01:00:12,300 --> 01:00:13,580
- Are you sure.
1400
01:00:13,580 --> 01:00:15,990
- Yeah, I'm pretty fucking
sure. I'm the wizard here.
1401
01:00:15,990 --> 01:00:19,510
You get it with, like, practice and...
1402
01:00:19,510 --> 01:00:21,310
Look, the point is no drilling.
1403
01:00:21,310 --> 01:00:22,430
- Damn.
1404
01:00:22,430 --> 01:00:24,100
How long is this gonna take?
1405
01:00:24,100 --> 01:00:27,960
- Well, I guess that depends on you...
1406
01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:30,230
and your willingness to learn.
1407
01:00:30,230 --> 01:00:33,090
- You can mold me like putty in your hand.
1408
01:00:33,090 --> 01:00:33,923
I'm willing.
1409
01:00:34,980 --> 01:00:36,423
- Okay, great.
1410
01:00:37,730 --> 01:00:40,170
The first lesson is patience.
1411
01:00:40,170 --> 01:00:41,320
- Let's skip that.
1412
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:43,950
- Look, man, patience is
what made me what I am today.
1413
01:00:43,950 --> 01:00:45,490
Look around.
1414
01:00:45,490 --> 01:00:47,143
You could have all of this.
1415
01:00:47,143 --> 01:00:48,200
(can clinks)
1416
01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:49,530
- Wow.
1417
01:00:49,530 --> 01:00:51,093
All right! I'm in.
1418
01:00:52,750 --> 01:00:53,583
- Okay.
1419
01:00:54,610 --> 01:00:56,310
Lesson one. Um...
1420
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,440
Go do all those dishes.
1421
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:01,960
Dry 'em afterwards and stack 'em nicely.
1422
01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:03,070
- What in the majestic hell
1423
01:01:03,070 --> 01:01:05,840
does this have to do with
gaining magic powers?
1424
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:08,330
- Look, look, man. You
don't want to do it, right?
1425
01:01:08,330 --> 01:01:09,610
- Right.
1426
01:01:09,610 --> 01:01:12,530
- So, this will teach you patience.
1427
01:01:12,530 --> 01:01:15,157
And that helps you...
1428
01:01:15,157 --> 01:01:16,020
You know...
1429
01:01:16,020 --> 01:01:17,198
with stuff.
1430
01:01:17,198 --> 01:01:18,340
(enthusiastic music)
1431
01:01:18,340 --> 01:01:20,210
- All right. I'll do it.
1432
01:01:20,210 --> 01:01:22,577
Not for you. Not for me.
1433
01:01:22,577 --> 01:01:24,250
But For the president.
1434
01:01:24,250 --> 01:01:25,123
For the country.
1435
01:01:25,970 --> 01:01:26,803
For freedom.
1436
01:01:27,883 --> 01:01:30,966
(enthusiastic music)
1437
01:02:03,713 --> 01:02:05,380
(sighs)
1438
01:02:05,380 --> 01:02:07,630
- Well, Brick, you finally did it.
1439
01:02:07,630 --> 01:02:10,080
You've achieved your dream.
1440
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:12,300
Now go. Leave me.
1441
01:02:12,300 --> 01:02:14,823
- But what about my magic powers?
1442
01:02:15,685 --> 01:02:17,050
Don't you see, Bill?
1443
01:02:17,050 --> 01:02:19,850
The magic power was inside you all long.
1444
01:02:19,850 --> 01:02:22,730
- That sounds like some
foreign pinko horse shit!
1445
01:02:22,730 --> 01:02:23,743
- Okay, sure.
1446
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:26,910
Well, why don't you
smoke this magic stuff?
1447
01:02:28,636 --> 01:02:30,543
- You're sure this isn't drugs?
1448
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:32,393
- Sure I'm sure.
1449
01:02:35,636 --> 01:02:36,689
(lighter clicks)
1450
01:02:36,689 --> 01:02:40,356
(psychedelic sound effects)
1451
01:02:42,644 --> 01:02:44,130
- [Spirit Animal] Hi, Brick.
1452
01:02:44,130 --> 01:02:46,580
It's me, your spirit animal.
1453
01:02:46,580 --> 01:02:48,490
- What? What are you?
1454
01:02:48,490 --> 01:02:50,470
- [Spirit Animal] Don't you recognize me?
1455
01:02:50,470 --> 01:02:52,200
I'm with you always.
1456
01:02:52,200 --> 01:02:53,430
- Where am I now?
1457
01:02:53,430 --> 01:02:56,110
- [Spirit Animal] Don't worry.
Nothing can hurt you here.
1458
01:02:56,110 --> 01:02:57,640
- I don't know about that.
1459
01:02:57,640 --> 01:02:58,880
- [Spirit Animal] You have many trials
1460
01:02:58,880 --> 01:03:01,100
and tribulations coming up ahead.
1461
01:03:01,100 --> 01:03:03,062
You must prepare yourself.
1462
01:03:03,062 --> 01:03:05,296
(grumbling)
1463
01:03:05,296 --> 01:03:08,640
I brought a friend. He will
help explain things better.
1464
01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:10,253
Good luck, Brick! Goodbye!
1465
01:03:12,440 --> 01:03:14,637
- Brick, you do not know me,
1466
01:03:14,637 --> 01:03:17,740
but I've been watching you
from the spectral realm.
1467
01:03:17,740 --> 01:03:21,530
I want you to know, Brick, the
power lies deep within you.
1468
01:03:21,530 --> 01:03:23,090
Deep within.
1469
01:03:23,090 --> 01:03:24,550
I want you to reach.
1470
01:03:24,550 --> 01:03:28,009
Reach inside of yourself
and find the power.
1471
01:03:28,009 --> 01:03:31,275
(hammer banging)
Power. The power that you know you have.
1472
01:03:31,275 --> 01:03:33,630
(hammer banging)
(squelching)
1473
01:03:33,630 --> 01:03:35,193
The powers is inside of you.
1474
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:38,651
The power is deep inside!
1475
01:03:38,651 --> 01:03:43,651
(hammer banging)
(squelching)
1476
01:03:48,180 --> 01:03:49,880
- Wow!
1477
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:51,390
Thank you, wizard!
1478
01:03:51,390 --> 01:03:53,640
You are as good as your word.
1479
01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:55,830
I won't forget this.
1480
01:03:55,830 --> 01:03:58,770
This country owes you a debt of gratitude.
1481
01:03:58,770 --> 01:04:01,200
If the 1,500 I gave you wasn't enough,
1482
01:04:01,200 --> 01:04:02,500
I could write you a check.
1483
01:04:03,814 --> 01:04:05,427
- If you don't mind.
1484
01:04:05,427 --> 01:04:07,420
- Are you kidding?
1485
01:04:07,420 --> 01:04:09,783
What better way to spend taxpayer money?
1486
01:04:12,436 --> 01:04:13,540
(intense music)
1487
01:04:13,540 --> 01:04:15,790
(shouting)
1488
01:04:21,179 --> 01:04:22,012
- Shh.
1489
01:04:26,762 --> 01:04:31,186
(speaking foreign language)
1490
01:04:31,186 --> 01:04:33,519
(gun cocks)
1491
01:04:34,569 --> 01:04:35,402
(gun clicks)
1492
01:04:35,402 --> 01:04:37,652
(shouting)
1493
01:04:41,012 --> 01:04:43,262
(shouting)
1494
01:04:44,185 --> 01:04:45,018
Shh.
1495
01:04:48,942 --> 01:04:52,609
(speaking foreign language)
1496
01:04:58,905 --> 01:04:59,738
(gun clicks)
1497
01:04:59,738 --> 01:05:01,988
(shouting)
1498
01:05:05,892 --> 01:05:07,175
(gun bangs)
1499
01:05:07,175 --> 01:05:10,230
(groaning)
1500
01:05:10,230 --> 01:05:11,970
- Good evening, citizens.
1501
01:05:11,970 --> 01:05:14,170
No, your eyes do not deceive you.
1502
01:05:14,170 --> 01:05:17,300
It is I, Brick Forcefury.
1503
01:05:17,300 --> 01:05:20,460
As you may have heard, I'm
now a fully fledged magician
1504
01:05:21,470 --> 01:05:23,630
with a license to murder.
1505
01:05:23,630 --> 01:05:25,930
I wish to test my newly acquired powers
1506
01:05:25,930 --> 01:05:28,356
by challenging your champion.
1507
01:05:28,356 --> 01:05:30,230
- Brick, what are you doing here?
1508
01:05:30,230 --> 01:05:32,220
- I should ask you the same thing.
1509
01:05:32,220 --> 01:05:35,960
I'm surprised you'd grace
an establish of ill refute
1510
01:05:35,960 --> 01:05:37,170
with your presence.
1511
01:05:37,170 --> 01:05:39,710
- This is the only public
form of entertainment
1512
01:05:39,710 --> 01:05:41,500
that hasn't banned aliens!
1513
01:05:41,500 --> 01:05:44,020
But you're not serious
about partaking in this.
1514
01:05:44,020 --> 01:05:46,110
- Why not? I'm a magician.
1515
01:05:46,110 --> 01:05:49,010
- This is a place where people
come to pay off their debts.
1516
01:05:49,010 --> 01:05:50,930
Nobody walks out of here alive.
1517
01:05:50,930 --> 01:05:53,040
- Don't you know about magicians?
1518
01:05:53,040 --> 01:05:56,800
We're majestic, a superior
race of super-humans.
1519
01:05:56,800 --> 01:05:58,520
- Don't do it, Brick.
1520
01:05:58,520 --> 01:05:59,443
- Relax.
1521
01:06:00,450 --> 01:06:02,053
Just one round and I'm done.
1522
01:06:04,734 --> 01:06:05,567
(speaking in foreign language)
1523
01:06:05,567 --> 01:06:07,212
(gun cocks)
1524
01:06:07,212 --> 01:06:08,345
(gun clicks)
1525
01:06:08,345 --> 01:06:10,595
(cheering)
1526
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:14,671
- Shh.
1527
01:06:21,150 --> 01:06:22,485
- Not a problem.
1528
01:06:22,485 --> 01:06:23,960
I hope you've placed your bets.
1529
01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:25,710
I'm about to make you all rich men.
1530
01:06:27,455 --> 01:06:28,288
- Don't do it, Brick!
1531
01:06:28,288 --> 01:06:30,471
(gun bangs)
1532
01:06:30,471 --> 01:06:33,587
- What'd you do that for?
1533
01:06:33,587 --> 01:06:35,587
(thump)
1534
01:06:37,658 --> 01:06:39,908
(grunting)
1535
01:07:02,509 --> 01:07:04,615
(gun banging)
1536
01:07:04,615 --> 01:07:07,282
(intense music)
1537
01:07:10,153 --> 01:07:13,820
- [New Partner] We've
gotta get out of here!
1538
01:07:16,061 --> 01:07:18,811
(chair clatters)
1539
01:07:21,330 --> 01:07:23,530
- I underestimated you, New partner.
1540
01:07:23,530 --> 01:07:25,680
You kicked a lot of ass back there.
1541
01:07:25,680 --> 01:07:28,550
More importantly, you had my back.
1542
01:07:28,550 --> 01:07:30,117
- Of course I did.
That's what partners do.
1543
01:07:30,117 --> 01:07:32,650
You would have done the same for me.
1544
01:07:32,650 --> 01:07:34,340
- Uh, yeah.
1545
01:07:34,340 --> 01:07:35,500
Right.
1546
01:07:35,500 --> 01:07:37,830
- What were you doing in there anyway?
1547
01:07:37,830 --> 01:07:39,720
- I had to test my magic powers
1548
01:07:39,720 --> 01:07:41,520
before rescuing the president.
1549
01:07:41,520 --> 01:07:42,353
- Your what?
1550
01:07:43,610 --> 01:07:45,270
- It's a long story.
1551
01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:47,410
Let's just cut to the chase and say
1552
01:07:47,410 --> 01:07:51,220
I paid a magician to do his
chores, if you catch my drift.
1553
01:07:51,220 --> 01:07:53,820
- How does putting a gun to
your head unleash your powers?
1554
01:07:53,820 --> 01:07:55,520
Are your powers dying?
1555
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:58,310
Actually, I'm not entirely sure.
1556
01:07:58,310 --> 01:08:00,570
But I know it comes from within.
1557
01:08:00,570 --> 01:08:02,470
- That's great and all,
but a Russian roulette
1558
01:08:02,470 --> 01:08:04,800
is not gonna help you save the president.
1559
01:08:04,800 --> 01:08:07,110
No, what you need is a spaceship.
1560
01:08:07,110 --> 01:08:09,000
- A spaceship! Right!
1561
01:08:09,000 --> 01:08:11,050
What else?
- [New Partner] Just one more thing.
1562
01:08:11,050 --> 01:08:12,290
- Tell me.
1563
01:08:12,290 --> 01:08:13,174
- A partner.
1564
01:08:13,174 --> 01:08:16,150
(delicate piano music)
1565
01:08:16,150 --> 01:08:17,640
- All right, New Partner.
1566
01:08:17,640 --> 01:08:19,350
Consider yourself...
1567
01:08:19,350 --> 01:08:20,902
my partner.
1568
01:08:20,902 --> 01:08:23,485
(arms patting)
1569
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:29,181
But before we go, there's
something I've got to do.
1570
01:08:29,181 --> 01:08:31,514
(screaming)
1571
01:08:33,948 --> 01:08:36,470
(farting)
1572
01:08:36,470 --> 01:08:37,351
Bitchin'.
1573
01:08:37,351 --> 01:08:40,184
(thrilling music)
1574
01:08:42,590 --> 01:08:45,293
All right, partner. You
were ready for this?
1575
01:08:46,950 --> 01:08:48,600
- I was born buddy.
1576
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:50,570
All right, what's the plan, Brick?
1577
01:08:50,570 --> 01:08:52,670
- Our main target is the mothership.
1578
01:08:52,670 --> 01:08:54,340
But to reach it, we'll
probably have to get past
1579
01:08:54,340 --> 01:08:56,080
a shit ton of fighters.
1580
01:08:56,080 --> 01:08:57,400
- This is suicidal!
1581
01:08:57,400 --> 01:09:00,370
- For lesser men, yes.
1582
01:09:00,370 --> 01:09:02,850
But for us, a cake walk.
1583
01:09:02,850 --> 01:09:05,503
You do eat cake, don't you, partner?
1584
01:09:06,370 --> 01:09:08,853
- For you, Brick, I'd eat a shit sandwich.
1585
01:09:09,920 --> 01:09:11,540
- That's disgusting.
1586
01:09:11,540 --> 01:09:14,030
A simple yes would have sufficed.
1587
01:09:14,030 --> 01:09:15,113
All right, punch it.
1588
01:09:15,113 --> 01:09:18,384
(rockets roaring)
1589
01:09:18,384 --> 01:09:21,810
(lasers zapping)
1590
01:09:21,810 --> 01:09:23,430
- They're coming in fast!
1591
01:09:23,430 --> 01:09:25,930
- Coming fast is my specialty.
1592
01:09:25,930 --> 01:09:29,270
All right, I'll take right,
you take left, right?
1593
01:09:29,270 --> 01:09:30,824
- Wait. What are you...
1594
01:09:30,824 --> 01:09:31,956
(heavy gunfire)
1595
01:09:31,956 --> 01:09:33,094
(explosion)
1596
01:09:33,094 --> 01:09:34,522
(lasers zapping)
1597
01:09:34,522 --> 01:09:37,370
- I got one on my tail. I can't shake him!
1598
01:09:37,370 --> 01:09:38,847
- Hold on, Brick. I'm coming for you.
1599
01:09:38,847 --> 01:09:41,433
- I'm not gonna make it. Tell my wife I...
1600
01:09:41,433 --> 01:09:42,690
(heavy gunfire)
1601
01:09:42,690 --> 01:09:44,010
- Tell her yourself.
1602
01:09:44,010 --> 01:09:46,436
- What'd you do that for? I had him.
1603
01:09:46,436 --> 01:09:48,010
(lasers zapping)
1604
01:09:48,010 --> 01:09:50,660
- Shit! Brick, I got two on me!
1605
01:09:50,660 --> 01:09:53,850
- No time, partner. I got
to get to that mothership.
1606
01:09:53,850 --> 01:09:56,050
You got this. I believe in you
1607
01:09:56,050 --> 01:09:59,660
- But...
(dramatic music)
1608
01:10:02,300 --> 01:10:04,710
- [Alien] You've done well, Brick.
1609
01:10:04,710 --> 01:10:07,840
Against all odds, you've
overcome every obstacle
1610
01:10:07,840 --> 01:10:09,403
and achieved the impossible.
1611
01:10:10,980 --> 01:10:13,203
Tell me, how did you do it?
1612
01:10:14,305 --> 01:10:15,793
Was it luck?
1613
01:10:17,180 --> 01:10:19,100
- Luck has nothing to do with it.
1614
01:10:19,100 --> 01:10:20,990
- [Alien] Well, what then?
1615
01:10:20,990 --> 01:10:23,710
- Well, my American upbringing,
1616
01:10:23,710 --> 01:10:26,400
from the Boy Scouts to the Border Patrol.
1617
01:10:26,400 --> 01:10:28,650
My belief in American values.
1618
01:10:28,650 --> 01:10:31,990
And my strict adherence
do an all-American diet.
1619
01:10:31,990 --> 01:10:34,130
- [Alien] You certainly
are a credit to America
1620
01:10:34,130 --> 01:10:35,670
and the human race.
1621
01:10:35,670 --> 01:10:37,500
- You bet your ass I am!
1622
01:10:37,500 --> 01:10:40,610
And now I'm gonna stop
your tyrannical scheme.
1623
01:10:40,610 --> 01:10:43,610
- [Alien] Oh, I have no doubt about that.
1624
01:10:43,610 --> 01:10:46,070
But did you ever wonder, Brick...
1625
01:10:46,070 --> 01:10:48,560
Did you ever consider how it was possible
1626
01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:50,333
for you to get so far?
1627
01:10:51,420 --> 01:10:52,870
- I don't understand.
1628
01:10:52,870 --> 01:10:54,410
- [Alien] Precisely, Brick.
1629
01:10:54,410 --> 01:10:57,460
You're an idiot, a chump, a dummy.
1630
01:10:57,460 --> 01:10:59,640
Nobody with your meager intelligence
1631
01:10:59,640 --> 01:11:02,160
could ever get this far on their own.
1632
01:11:02,160 --> 01:11:06,220
- Well, I had help from a
magician and my partner.
1633
01:11:06,220 --> 01:11:07,200
- [Alien] Of course.
1634
01:11:07,200 --> 01:11:11,440
Your new partner, the half
alien, half human freak.
1635
01:11:11,440 --> 01:11:13,878
She represents the future of your-
1636
01:11:13,878 --> 01:11:14,850
- She?
1637
01:11:14,850 --> 01:11:18,820
- [Alien] Yes, she represents
the future of your country.
1638
01:11:18,820 --> 01:11:20,470
And if you fail-
1639
01:11:20,470 --> 01:11:23,060
- I don't know the
meaning of the word fail.
1640
01:11:23,060 --> 01:11:24,570
- [Alien] I'm sure there are many words
1641
01:11:24,570 --> 01:11:26,170
you don't know the meaning of.
1642
01:11:26,170 --> 01:11:30,290
But the fact is you won't fail
the way you expect to fail.
1643
01:11:30,290 --> 01:11:31,407
- Huh?
1644
01:11:31,407 --> 01:11:33,820
- [Alien] What if I told
you, Brick, that your success
1645
01:11:33,820 --> 01:11:36,550
isn't thanks to the
help of your new partner
1646
01:11:36,550 --> 01:11:39,440
but to the help of your old partner?
1647
01:11:39,440 --> 01:11:40,520
- What?
1648
01:11:40,520 --> 01:11:41,353
- Hello, Brick.
1649
01:11:42,750 --> 01:11:43,880
- But...
1650
01:11:43,880 --> 01:11:45,760
you're dead!
1651
01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:48,330
- I assure you I'm very much alive, Brick.
1652
01:11:48,330 --> 01:11:51,910
- But I put drinks down the
gullet of your lifeless corpse!
1653
01:11:51,910 --> 01:11:55,410
- A corpse, yes, but not mine.
1654
01:11:55,410 --> 01:11:59,300
It was a ringer, Brick, cleverly
disguised to deceive you.
1655
01:11:59,300 --> 01:12:00,490
- What?
1656
01:12:00,490 --> 01:12:02,130
- Don't you see, Brick?
1657
01:12:02,130 --> 01:12:06,740
We're part of something
bigger, something important.
1658
01:12:06,740 --> 01:12:08,200
- If you were my partner,
1659
01:12:08,200 --> 01:12:11,500
you would have killed this
alien bastard before I arrived.
1660
01:12:11,500 --> 01:12:15,620
We took an oath, an oath to
rid the earth of alien scum,
1661
01:12:15,620 --> 01:12:17,480
to uphold the American cause.
1662
01:12:17,480 --> 01:12:18,313
- [Alien] Precisely.
1663
01:12:18,313 --> 01:12:22,020
And what better way to
fuel a cause than with...
1664
01:12:24,377 --> 01:12:25,443
Than with a martyr?
1665
01:12:26,526 --> 01:12:27,928
- What?
1666
01:12:27,928 --> 01:12:28,761
I don't...
1667
01:12:28,761 --> 01:12:29,594
What...
1668
01:12:29,594 --> 01:12:30,427
I don't...
1669
01:12:30,427 --> 01:12:32,680
- That's right, Brick, it was me,
1670
01:12:32,680 --> 01:12:35,443
your Commander-in-Chief, the whole time.
1671
01:12:36,596 --> 01:12:37,855
(stuttering)
1672
01:12:37,855 --> 01:12:40,800
It was I who set in motion
1673
01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:45,339
All the elements of your
entire plan and revenge.
1674
01:12:45,339 --> 01:12:46,370
(cackles)
1675
01:12:46,370 --> 01:12:48,100
I've been making you dance like a puppet
1676
01:12:48,100 --> 01:12:49,170
since day one, Brick.
1677
01:12:49,170 --> 01:12:51,585
You've been my little puppet dancer...
1678
01:12:51,585 --> 01:12:52,784
- What?
1679
01:12:52,784 --> 01:12:53,617
Uh...
1680
01:12:54,672 --> 01:12:55,505
Yeah?
1681
01:12:55,505 --> 01:12:56,800
- The U.S. government
will be able to abolish
1682
01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:58,062
all civil liberties.
1683
01:12:58,062 --> 01:12:59,037
- I...
1684
01:12:59,037 --> 01:13:00,787
I don't know.
- [President] All civil liberties.
1685
01:13:00,787 --> 01:13:02,098
- Uh...
1686
01:13:02,098 --> 01:13:04,130
what?
- Entirely at my discretion.
1687
01:13:04,130 --> 01:13:08,300
And after my spectacular
Hollywood Navy Seal rescue...
1688
01:13:08,300 --> 01:13:09,280
(cackles)
1689
01:13:09,280 --> 01:13:13,081
oh, the American public will
eat it up with with a spoon.
1690
01:13:13,081 --> 01:13:14,081
- I don't...
1691
01:13:14,990 --> 01:13:16,148
I don't understand.
1692
01:13:16,148 --> 01:13:18,560
- No longer will we
suffer the inconvenience
1693
01:13:18,560 --> 01:13:21,040
of democratic process. (laughs)
1694
01:13:21,040 --> 01:13:24,750
Oh, no.
- And the magician? Was
he part of your plan?
1695
01:13:24,750 --> 01:13:27,440
- No, Brick, that was just
some dumb shit you did
1696
01:13:27,440 --> 01:13:29,020
because you're a dumb ass!
1697
01:13:29,020 --> 01:13:31,150
- Oh.
- Think about it, Brick.
1698
01:13:31,150 --> 01:13:34,110
You may be stupid. Indeed, you are stupid.
1699
01:13:34,110 --> 01:13:37,140
But compared to the
masses, you could be a god.
1700
01:13:37,140 --> 01:13:38,550
join us, Brick.
1701
01:13:38,550 --> 01:13:40,220
- Join us, Brick.
1702
01:13:40,220 --> 01:13:43,690
- Together, we will
crush the liberal agenda.
1703
01:13:43,690 --> 01:13:47,993
First we take the nation,
then we'll take the world.
1704
01:13:49,100 --> 01:13:50,620
- Do it for me.
1705
01:13:50,620 --> 01:13:52,390
Do it for yourself.
1706
01:13:52,390 --> 01:13:54,340
We can be kings!
1707
01:13:54,340 --> 01:13:56,660
Aren't you tired of being bossed around?
1708
01:13:56,660 --> 01:13:59,370
Don't you want to do the
bossing for a change?
1709
01:13:59,370 --> 01:14:01,753
We can be all-powerful!
1710
01:14:03,280 --> 01:14:05,010
- There's just one thing.
1711
01:14:05,010 --> 01:14:06,380
- What is it?
1712
01:14:06,380 --> 01:14:07,770
- You can't give me powers,
1713
01:14:07,770 --> 01:14:10,420
because I've had them all along...
1714
01:14:10,420 --> 01:14:11,363
inside me.
1715
01:14:12,326 --> 01:14:14,659
(gun bangs)
1716
01:14:16,560 --> 01:14:17,393
- Fool!
1717
01:14:17,393 --> 01:14:18,506
(laser zapping)
1718
01:14:18,506 --> 01:14:21,089
(gun clatters)
1719
01:14:22,580 --> 01:14:25,423
You who will suffer for your tomfoolery.
1720
01:14:25,423 --> 01:14:27,756
(gun bangs)
1721
01:14:29,050 --> 01:14:31,530
- Not if I have anything to say about it.
1722
01:14:31,530 --> 01:14:32,470
- You're alive!
1723
01:14:32,470 --> 01:14:33,303
- Of course.
1724
01:14:33,303 --> 01:14:34,136
You wouldn't have left me
1725
01:14:34,136 --> 01:14:36,290
unless you knew I'd be okay, right?
1726
01:14:36,290 --> 01:14:38,860
- Uh, yeah. Right.
1727
01:14:38,860 --> 01:14:40,205
- Are you okay?
1728
01:14:40,205 --> 01:14:42,504
- Yeah, yeah, I think I'm okay.
1729
01:14:42,504 --> 01:14:43,337
But this jabroni...
1730
01:14:43,337 --> 01:14:44,560
(gun cocks)
1731
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:46,090
He's fucked.
1732
01:14:46,090 --> 01:14:50,170
- Fools!
If you kill me, my evil plan succeeds.
1733
01:14:50,170 --> 01:14:52,500
What are gonna do about that?
1734
01:14:52,500 --> 01:14:54,070
- He's right.
1735
01:14:54,070 --> 01:14:56,340
At least, I think he's right.
1736
01:14:56,340 --> 01:14:58,910
- We can't let him get away with this.
1737
01:14:58,910 --> 01:15:01,000
- There must be another way.
1738
01:15:01,000 --> 01:15:05,550
Justice must be served, without
all the bad stuff he said.
1739
01:15:05,550 --> 01:15:08,610
- If we arrest him, the
country will collapse.
1740
01:15:08,610 --> 01:15:11,193
If he dies, alien genocide.
1741
01:15:12,070 --> 01:15:13,460
- Wait!
1742
01:15:13,460 --> 01:15:14,730
What if...
1743
01:15:14,730 --> 01:15:16,020
the blame went...
1744
01:15:16,020 --> 01:15:17,740
elsewhere?
1745
01:15:17,740 --> 01:15:18,710
- Elsewhere?
1746
01:15:18,710 --> 01:15:20,740
- Yeah, like...
1747
01:15:20,740 --> 01:15:22,390
an escaped goat.
1748
01:15:22,390 --> 01:15:23,473
- You mean scapegoat?
1749
01:15:24,400 --> 01:15:25,950
- Close enough.
1750
01:15:25,950 --> 01:15:27,550
- But who could take the blame?
1751
01:15:27,550 --> 01:15:29,510
Who would the idiot masses
believe to be capable
1752
01:15:29,510 --> 01:15:31,033
of such an elaborate scheme?
1753
01:15:32,860 --> 01:15:33,693
- I know!
1754
01:15:35,198 --> 01:15:36,149
(gun bangs)
1755
01:15:36,149 --> 01:15:38,868
(dynamic music)
1756
01:15:38,868 --> 01:15:40,070
- It was a daring rescue attempt
1757
01:15:40,070 --> 01:15:41,940
by nation hero Brick Forcefury
1758
01:15:41,940 --> 01:15:44,230
and his new partner, New Partner.
1759
01:15:44,230 --> 01:15:46,690
But unfortunately, they were
unable to save the president
1760
01:15:46,690 --> 01:15:47,730
from the dreaded...
1761
01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:50,323
space Jews.
1762
01:15:52,150 --> 01:15:54,850
Regardless, the country pays
tribute to Brick Forcefury
1763
01:15:54,850 --> 01:15:56,330
and New Partner.
1764
01:15:56,330 --> 01:15:57,860
We take you live to Times Square,
1765
01:15:57,860 --> 01:16:00,720
where a parade is being
held in their honor.
1766
01:16:00,720 --> 01:16:02,000
- Atta-boy, Brick!
1767
01:16:02,000 --> 01:16:03,973
Yes! I knew you could do it!
1768
01:16:03,973 --> 01:16:05,770
(peaceful music)
1769
01:16:05,770 --> 01:16:07,623
- Has somebody been a bad boy?
1770
01:16:09,123 --> 01:16:10,215
- Yes! (chuckles)
1771
01:16:10,215 --> 01:16:12,080
Yes, I'm pathetic!
1772
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:14,040
I'm a disgrace to the badge!
1773
01:16:14,040 --> 01:16:17,193
Everything I do turns to shit! (laughs)
1774
01:16:17,193 --> 01:16:19,943
(peaceful music)
1775
01:16:37,940 --> 01:16:39,700
- Do you think we did the right thing?
1776
01:16:39,700 --> 01:16:40,533
- Don't worry.
1777
01:16:40,533 --> 01:16:44,260
If there's one thing I know
about history, it's this...
1778
01:16:44,260 --> 01:16:46,901
History never repeats itself.
1779
01:16:46,901 --> 01:16:49,484
(joyful music)
1780
01:17:07,361 --> 01:17:10,694
(energetic rock music)
117361
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