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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,695 --> 00:00:06,765 Sheriff's department. 2 00:00:06,868 --> 00:00:08,348 Hello? Sheriff's department. 3 00:00:08,456 --> 00:00:10,936 We got a call here at the Nevada State Mental Hospital 4 00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,525 that they had an emergency. 5 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:14,673 Oh, here's the police officers. 6 00:00:14,773 --> 00:00:16,603 Thank you so much for coming. 7 00:00:16,706 --> 00:00:19,046 I just need you guys to take a look at this. 8 00:00:19,157 --> 00:00:20,047 Okay. 9 00:00:22,505 --> 00:00:23,775 It's is a picture of a man's penis. 10 00:00:23,885 --> 00:00:27,195 My penis. 11 00:00:27,303 --> 00:00:29,443 So you guys drove 45 minutes 12 00:00:29,546 --> 00:00:33,786 to take a look at a polaroid of my penis? 13 00:00:33,895 --> 00:00:38,345 So who's crazy now? Bbllbbll! 14 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,490 - 'Andy.' - Grrr. 15 00:00:40,592 --> 00:00:43,112 - Andy, back in the hole, man. - Come on-- 16 00:00:43,215 --> 00:00:44,595 You've got to stay off the phones, okay? 17 00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:45,979 'Tell the phones to stay off of me.' 18 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,670 [Andy] 'Hey, you can hold on to that, sugar tits.' 19 00:00:47,771 --> 00:00:50,121 'You can find me on eharmony.' 20 00:00:50,222 --> 00:00:51,982 [theme music] 21 00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:53,566 Son of a bitch. God damn it! 22 00:00:55,710 --> 00:00:57,990 [tires screeching] 23 00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:58,992 Come on! 24 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,853 They all have guns! 25 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:05,787 [man screaming] 26 00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:10,970 - Ow! - Push 'em together? 27 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,381 Sheriff's department! I need your bike! 28 00:01:14,384 --> 00:01:15,324 Ow, God! 29 00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:19,555 [siren] 30 00:01:19,665 --> 00:01:20,625 [empty gun clicks] 31 00:01:25,154 --> 00:01:27,054 - Watch. - You did not... 32 00:01:27,156 --> 00:01:28,086 Aah! 33 00:01:36,751 --> 00:01:39,581 [Jim] 'I'm sorry if I'm, if I'm on edge today.' 34 00:01:39,685 --> 00:01:41,685 My a capella choir has disbanded. I'm sorry. 35 00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:43,791 - Aw... - Aw, that's rough. 36 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,476 You and Jeff aren't gonna do it anymore?' 37 00:01:45,588 --> 00:01:49,248 No. We will never... Me and Jeff will never... We... 38 00:01:49,350 --> 00:01:51,320 Oh, I will never darken his door again. 39 00:01:51,421 --> 00:01:53,491 'Oh, I'll be assigning shifts.' 40 00:01:53,596 --> 00:01:55,666 We have to keep an eye on that witness 41 00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:58,120 for the state's attorney's office. 42 00:01:58,221 --> 00:02:00,601 Mario... In that case... 43 00:02:00,706 --> 00:02:02,326 'I don't know if that's... Is that the code name?' 44 00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:03,502 Code name for him? 45 00:02:03,606 --> 00:02:04,776 There's no one in real enforcement 46 00:02:04,883 --> 00:02:06,023 but you that uses code names 47 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,266 so I'm assuming that's his real name. 48 00:02:07,368 --> 00:02:08,508 Okay, his real name is probably Mario 49 00:02:08,610 --> 00:02:12,550 but he's gonna be held up at the... 50 00:02:12,649 --> 00:02:14,579 I shouldn't even... I won't say the name of the hotel. 51 00:02:14,686 --> 00:02:16,646 [Trudy] 'Who are you hiding it from?' 52 00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:18,617 The Shear Arms hotel is where we're gonna be holding 53 00:02:18,724 --> 00:02:20,384 that state's witness. 54 00:02:20,485 --> 00:02:22,795 - What was that? - 'Cause it was secret. 55 00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,281 - 'From who?' - 'Well, we heard it.' 56 00:02:24,385 --> 00:02:26,175 - 'Everybody heard it.' - Of course, but you heard it. 57 00:02:26,284 --> 00:02:27,774 - They heard it, too. - I think they heard it. 58 00:02:27,871 --> 00:02:29,251 Fine. Okay. So they're holding that-- 59 00:02:29,356 --> 00:02:30,866 [Declan] 'Did you think we were [bleep] moving?' 60 00:02:30,978 --> 00:02:33,428 No. I-I got confused. 61 00:02:33,532 --> 00:02:34,982 No one has claimed the birdfeeder 62 00:02:35,085 --> 00:02:36,465 from the junior deputy's raffle. 63 00:02:36,570 --> 00:02:38,160 I would like to get that off of my books. 64 00:02:38,261 --> 00:02:41,131 If you won the [bleep] birdfeeder, come [bleep] 65 00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:42,650 get it off my desk. 66 00:02:42,748 --> 00:02:46,338 I don't want that [bleep] eyesore on my desk anymore. 67 00:02:46,442 --> 00:02:47,442 - That's what that thing is? - 'Yes.' 68 00:02:47,546 --> 00:02:48,646 That's a birdfeeder? 69 00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:50,034 They're the [bleep] junior deputy's 70 00:02:50,135 --> 00:02:51,785 and they have the slow ones helping this year. 71 00:02:51,895 --> 00:02:53,655 No bird would feed from that thing. 72 00:02:53,759 --> 00:02:55,179 I agree! I want it off my desk. 73 00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:57,178 If you won it, come claim it, or I'm throwing it away. 74 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,870 Why don't they raffle off lawn jockeys anymore? 75 00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,462 I love them lawn jockeys they used to make. 76 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,630 Yeah, they got-- You know why. 77 00:03:03,735 --> 00:03:05,045 They don't raffle 'em off anymore 78 00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:06,670 'cause they have them workin' here with us. 79 00:03:06,772 --> 00:03:08,192 Ha ha! 80 00:03:09,706 --> 00:03:11,186 Oh, I got a million of 'em. 81 00:03:16,161 --> 00:03:17,821 - Hey, Carmen. - Hey, Carmen. 82 00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,161 - 'Look at you.' - Hi, guys. 83 00:03:19,268 --> 00:03:20,888 You almost got us with the hose there, I see. 84 00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:22,793 Hey, how you doin' on your meds, Carmen? 85 00:03:22,892 --> 00:03:24,072 - Carmen? - What? 86 00:03:24,169 --> 00:03:26,929 Carmen! How are you doin' on your meds? 87 00:03:27,034 --> 00:03:28,044 Do... Carmen? 88 00:03:28,138 --> 00:03:29,588 Do we need to send somebody by to check 89 00:03:29,692 --> 00:03:30,762 if you've been taking your meds? 90 00:03:30,865 --> 00:03:32,755 - Yes. - Speak into the microphone. 91 00:03:32,867 --> 00:03:35,937 Yes, you do need to send somebody by. 92 00:03:36,043 --> 00:03:37,843 Hey, Carmen, real quick before we go. 93 00:03:37,941 --> 00:03:39,601 We just wanted to ask. 94 00:03:39,702 --> 00:03:41,192 There was this vacuum cleaner salesman who went miss--. 95 00:03:41,290 --> 00:03:43,150 Oh, yeah, yeah. 96 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:48,187 Have you seen this man, Mr. Merrick? 97 00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:49,537 Yeah, no. 98 00:03:49,643 --> 00:03:51,163 - Yeah, first you said yes. - You said yeah. 99 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:52,365 You have seen him? 100 00:03:52,473 --> 00:03:53,923 He went missing about ten days ago. 101 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:55,786 - In this neighborhood. - Has it been ten days? 102 00:03:55,890 --> 00:03:58,410 Okay. I'm gonna search the house, you keep her talking. 103 00:03:58,514 --> 00:04:00,554 Yeah. Let's get to the part where... 104 00:04:00,654 --> 00:04:02,144 Carl Merrick, are you still alive? 105 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,172 ...where you either, I'm just guessing. 106 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,688 I'm gonna take a wild guess... 107 00:04:05,797 --> 00:04:07,107 [Jim] 'Hey, Carmen, where should I start looking?' 108 00:04:07,212 --> 00:04:08,282 ...tied him up or-- 109 00:04:08,386 --> 00:04:10,906 You can start in the freezer. 110 00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:13,049 - Or the... No, no. - Is he in one piece? 111 00:04:13,149 --> 00:04:14,219 [Jim] 'Mr. Merrick, are you still alive?' 112 00:04:14,323 --> 00:04:17,193 - Well... - Mr. Merrick? 113 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:20,191 - His head is. - Okay. 114 00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,193 Okay. 115 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,916 It's weird. It's just like a vacuum 116 00:04:24,022 --> 00:04:25,402 like they come apart so easy. 117 00:04:25,506 --> 00:04:26,846 - People? - Yeah. 118 00:04:26,956 --> 00:04:29,056 Oh, my God! Okay. 119 00:04:29,165 --> 00:04:30,785 - He's not missing anymore. - 'Okay.' 120 00:04:30,891 --> 00:04:32,101 We don't miss him. 121 00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:34,142 Listen, listen, listen to me. I can ex-- 122 00:04:34,239 --> 00:04:36,239 Well, first of all, can we get a smoothie? 123 00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:37,545 Sure, we can. 124 00:04:37,656 --> 00:04:41,586 [theme music] 125 00:04:41,695 --> 00:04:44,275 We're out here at the Sage Brush Motor Home Park 126 00:04:44,387 --> 00:04:47,937 serving a search warrant on a Mr. Steven Samantino. 127 00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:50,316 A lot of scumbags live in this area 128 00:04:50,428 --> 00:04:52,738 which is a shame 'cause it's a really nice area. 129 00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:55,024 You kidding? It's like the Taj Mahal here. 130 00:04:55,122 --> 00:04:56,162 [dog barking] 131 00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:58,441 Frank. It's this one. 132 00:04:58,539 --> 00:04:59,639 It's right here. 133 00:04:59,747 --> 00:05:01,057 Okay. 134 00:05:01,162 --> 00:05:02,612 [Trudy] 'How do you know how to do this?' 135 00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:03,856 'cause I know how to do it. 136 00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:05,408 I take a class at the Learning Annex. 137 00:05:07,203 --> 00:05:08,343 - Sheriff's-- - Sheriff's department! 138 00:05:08,446 --> 00:05:09,616 - Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! 139 00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:10,903 - Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! 140 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,170 - Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! 141 00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:13,417 - Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! 142 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,180 - Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! 143 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,140 - Franky, are you okay? - I'm fine because no one... 144 00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:18,867 [vehicle driving off] 145 00:05:18,973 --> 00:05:19,943 - It's moving. - What the [bleep]! 146 00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:21,563 It's moving. What's goin' on? 147 00:05:21,666 --> 00:05:22,936 - What's goin' on? - We're moving. 148 00:05:23,046 --> 00:05:25,046 - 'Why are we moving?' - 'Why are we moving?' 149 00:05:25,152 --> 00:05:27,092 - Stop this mobile home! - Let me out! 150 00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:30,358 - One, two, three! - Tuck and roll! 151 00:05:30,468 --> 00:05:31,748 - I can't do it. - What? 152 00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:32,948 It's high. It looks so painful. 153 00:05:33,056 --> 00:05:34,706 - I'll do it. I'll do it. - Alright. 154 00:05:34,817 --> 00:05:38,477 [both] One, two, three! 155 00:05:38,579 --> 00:05:40,239 - I can't do it. - Come back in. 156 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,650 Okay. Let's go at the same time. 157 00:05:41,755 --> 00:05:44,095 Alright. Okay. 158 00:05:44,205 --> 00:05:47,965 [both] One, two, three! 159 00:05:48,071 --> 00:05:49,211 [theme music] 160 00:05:52,593 --> 00:05:56,113 A federal witness we were keeping in protective custody. 161 00:05:56,217 --> 00:05:57,457 When's the trial, two weeks? 162 00:05:57,564 --> 00:05:58,464 Two weeks. 163 00:06:08,851 --> 00:06:10,541 - Mario? - I guess. 164 00:06:10,646 --> 00:06:12,366 - Mario? - Are you Mario? 165 00:06:12,475 --> 00:06:13,745 [Jim] 'I've heard of this.' 166 00:06:13,856 --> 00:06:15,436 There's times, you know, where the dog 167 00:06:15,547 --> 00:06:18,857 the dog, like, can identify a smell. 168 00:06:18,964 --> 00:06:20,244 So the dog probably... 169 00:06:20,345 --> 00:06:22,865 - Lived with a murderer. - Yes, yes. 170 00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:24,038 And so... 171 00:06:24,142 --> 00:06:25,392 And they're gonna bring 'em on the stand 172 00:06:25,488 --> 00:06:26,698 and they're gonna bring Mario... 173 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,390 they're gonna ask the dog, they're gonna say 174 00:06:29,492 --> 00:06:30,982 is this, is this the man? 175 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,180 And the dog will know by smell. 176 00:06:32,288 --> 00:06:33,528 - 'Yeah.' - Good Mario. 177 00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,674 Oh, maybe the dog swallowed some kinda like 178 00:06:35,774 --> 00:06:36,644 microfilm or something. 179 00:06:36,741 --> 00:06:37,671 Oh, ye--. 180 00:06:37,776 --> 00:06:39,156 Maybe he's got microfilm in him 181 00:06:39,260 --> 00:06:41,500 'like he swallowed some kind of evidence' 182 00:06:41,608 --> 00:06:44,578 'some kind of, like, tape or, like, some kind of those...' 183 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,510 You know those new, weird little things you can put 184 00:06:46,613 --> 00:06:47,963 in your computer and they're like discs 185 00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:50,132 but they're, like, little suppositories. 186 00:06:50,237 --> 00:06:51,687 - Little firewires. - Yeah, little firewires. 187 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:53,340 Yeah, maybe he ate a firewire. 188 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,067 - Did you eat a firewire? - Did you eat a firewire? 189 00:06:55,173 --> 00:06:58,283 - Did you eat a firewire, Mario? - Did you eat a firewire? 190 00:06:58,383 --> 00:07:00,043 Are we supposed to wait for this dog to poop 191 00:07:00,143 --> 00:07:01,523 some sort of evidence out? No, no, no. 192 00:07:01,628 --> 00:07:03,598 I would have thinked they would have told us to check his poop-- 193 00:07:03,699 --> 00:07:05,009 No, no. We're just supposed to turn 194 00:07:05,114 --> 00:07:06,434 we're supposed to keep Mario safe. 195 00:07:06,529 --> 00:07:09,429 Oh. Ho-ho. Who's a good witness for the state? 196 00:07:09,532 --> 00:07:11,292 Who's a witness for the state, Mario? 197 00:07:11,396 --> 00:07:12,566 Who's a witness for the state? 198 00:07:12,673 --> 00:07:14,683 Mario is a witness for the state. Ha ha! 199 00:07:14,779 --> 00:07:16,229 Did you feel any firewire in there? 200 00:07:16,332 --> 00:07:17,302 [theme music] 201 00:07:22,131 --> 00:07:23,961 Ah! Alright, look. 202 00:07:24,064 --> 00:07:25,204 You know what? 203 00:07:25,306 --> 00:07:27,026 He's got to have somethin'... 204 00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:29,786 This guy's got to have somethin' here to, to drink. 205 00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:32,827 - I could use a drink maybe. - I'm thirsty. 206 00:07:32,935 --> 00:07:34,825 Ah, eureka! 207 00:07:34,937 --> 00:07:36,897 Huh? Huh? 208 00:07:37,008 --> 00:07:38,768 - What about it? - I'm not usually a drinker. 209 00:07:38,872 --> 00:07:40,322 - Come on. - But today I drink. 210 00:07:40,425 --> 00:07:41,315 Today you drink, right? 211 00:07:41,426 --> 00:07:43,566 Here is to us getting to know 212 00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:45,090 each other a little better. 213 00:07:45,188 --> 00:07:48,048 Alright. Here is to us getting the [bleep] out of here 214 00:07:48,157 --> 00:07:49,117 before I blow my brains out. 215 00:07:49,227 --> 00:07:51,157 Okay, okay, touche. 216 00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:54,469 I actually feel 217 00:07:54,577 --> 00:07:56,817 like I can stand a little bit better now. 218 00:07:56,924 --> 00:07:58,344 - Yeah? - Yeah. 219 00:07:58,443 --> 00:07:59,723 - I'll have some more of that. - Yeah, Alright. 220 00:07:59,824 --> 00:08:01,344 - It makes me feel-- - Alright, I'll do it. 221 00:08:01,446 --> 00:08:03,656 I didn't think I was gonna have fun 222 00:08:03,759 --> 00:08:05,109 and I'm actually having fun. 223 00:08:05,208 --> 00:08:07,308 - I am, too. - I feel like we're at a disco. 224 00:08:07,417 --> 00:08:09,697 It's kind of like a disco dance, huh? 225 00:08:09,799 --> 00:08:11,939 - Or like a mosh pit, right? - Whoa. 226 00:08:12,043 --> 00:08:15,813 Oh. Oh. That was close. 227 00:08:15,909 --> 00:08:18,219 - Is that your penis? - That is my penis. 228 00:08:18,325 --> 00:08:21,255 - Is that your vagina? - It is my vagina. 229 00:08:21,362 --> 00:08:22,952 - Okay. - I don't hate this. 230 00:08:23,054 --> 00:08:24,994 This is not a terrible thing. 231 00:08:25,090 --> 00:08:26,890 This is not the worst thing that has happened 232 00:08:26,989 --> 00:08:28,469 since we have been in here. 233 00:08:28,577 --> 00:08:31,437 No. In fact, I would say it's the best thing that happened 234 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,125 and I don't mind if it keeps happening 235 00:08:33,236 --> 00:08:35,266 for at least another 45 seconds. 236 00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:36,306 [siren wailing] 237 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:42,900 [siren wailing] 238 00:08:45,421 --> 00:08:47,151 Every time we do this I get nauseous. 239 00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:49,770 The back and forth, winding... 240 00:08:49,874 --> 00:08:53,024 We got to. We got a 911 call from Ranger Glen. 241 00:08:53,118 --> 00:08:55,398 [man] 'Ahh!' 242 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,880 - Hey, hey, hey! - Ahh! 243 00:08:56,984 --> 00:08:58,094 - Take it easy, buddy. - What happened? 244 00:08:58,192 --> 00:08:59,332 Get back. No, no, no. 245 00:08:59,435 --> 00:09:00,635 Don't come. It could be contagious. 246 00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:04,957 Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg and tried to rip it off 247 00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:07,721 and I fought him, and he tried to get my stuff 248 00:09:07,823 --> 00:09:09,693 and I had to fight him off and he put... 249 00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:12,170 Took my tibia and grabbed a piece of bone out of my leg 250 00:09:12,275 --> 00:09:13,855 and he ran off with a piece of my bone 251 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,727 and I... Get back! 252 00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:18,321 It happened, like, two days ago 253 00:09:18,419 --> 00:09:19,699 and I didn't want to call you guys 254 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,280 so it started clotting up-- 255 00:09:21,388 --> 00:09:23,008 Two days you've been in this kind of crazy, screaming pain? 256 00:09:23,114 --> 00:09:24,324 Yeah. 257 00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:26,005 How come you didn't call us before then? 258 00:09:26,117 --> 00:09:27,527 'Cause I don't like bothering you guys. 259 00:09:27,636 --> 00:09:29,736 I know you hate coming out to 30, 40 miles to get here. 260 00:09:29,845 --> 00:09:31,355 I'm really sorry 261 00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:34,297 but this thing's got to get me into town for a couple weeks. 262 00:09:34,401 --> 00:09:36,401 I got my day pack inside. 263 00:09:36,506 --> 00:09:38,336 I got... Are you guys thirsty? 264 00:09:38,439 --> 00:09:39,339 - What? - Wait a minute. 265 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,790 It's got, like... 266 00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:42,960 Don't get close to it, officer. It's got, like-- 267 00:09:43,065 --> 00:09:46,235 What? 268 00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:48,074 [Glen] 'Don't eat my blood!' 269 00:09:48,173 --> 00:09:50,663 What are you, a zombie? 270 00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:51,662 Spaghetti sauce. 271 00:09:51,763 --> 00:09:52,973 Come on. I'll show you. 272 00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:54,965 I put spaghetti sauce on it, but there is a wound. 273 00:09:55,077 --> 00:09:56,387 I'm not lying. I'm gonna come with you. 274 00:09:56,492 --> 00:09:57,672 [Declan] 'You're not... Get out of here.' 275 00:09:57,769 --> 00:09:59,009 - I have a... - You're not comin' with us. 276 00:09:59,115 --> 00:10:01,315 - I have a compound fracture! - You do not. 277 00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:04,708 - 911, donner, donner pass. - Give me that. 278 00:10:04,811 --> 00:10:06,301 - We have a 911! - Give me that! [bleep]. 279 00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,258 - Man down! Man down! - Give me that. 280 00:10:08,366 --> 00:10:09,466 - Give me that! - Man down! 281 00:10:09,574 --> 00:10:11,514 - Give me that. - Big, big, big, big! 282 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,651 [theme music] 283 00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:18,892 - Okay. - Alright, okay. 284 00:10:18,997 --> 00:10:22,517 Wait, you have the right to remain sexy. 285 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,382 - Can I make a suggestion? - Yeah. 286 00:10:24,485 --> 00:10:26,625 Can I get my pants off first? 287 00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:28,319 [theme music] 288 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:32,600 [Frank] 'Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.' 289 00:10:32,701 --> 00:10:35,771 The pressure of that shower was unbelievable. 290 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,286 Who would have thought a moving motor home 291 00:10:37,395 --> 00:10:38,905 would have such good water pressure? 292 00:10:39,017 --> 00:10:40,467 - Not me. - Ha-ha-ha. 293 00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:42,880 ♪ Lady in the shower 294 00:10:42,987 --> 00:10:45,537 ♪ Should I be so lucky 295 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,225 ♪ Lady in the shower 296 00:10:47,336 --> 00:10:49,126 ♪ Let's [bleep bleep bleep] 297 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:50,414 Ha-ha-ha! 298 00:10:50,511 --> 00:10:52,071 - You know who sang that? - You did. 299 00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:53,068 - Me. I sang it. - Just now. 300 00:10:53,169 --> 00:10:54,239 I sang it. 301 00:10:54,343 --> 00:10:56,103 [man singing in foreign language] 302 00:11:13,327 --> 00:11:15,047 [bell ringing] 303 00:11:15,157 --> 00:11:18,227 Alright, kids, I am deputy Williams 304 00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:19,852 and I'm gonna talk to y'all 305 00:11:19,955 --> 00:11:24,575 about keepin' yourself safe from pregnancy. 306 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,934 'Now, I know you've probably heard a lot' 307 00:11:27,031 --> 00:11:32,211 you know, about condoms or, or abstinence. 308 00:11:32,312 --> 00:11:33,382 'I'm gonna talk to you about' 309 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,555 'something even better than' that. 310 00:11:36,661 --> 00:11:38,351 Gettin' your tubes tied. 311 00:11:38,456 --> 00:11:39,766 Yes! 312 00:11:39,871 --> 00:11:41,601 Raise your hand if you know what an epidural is. 313 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,321 Anybody? All this? 314 00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:44,356 Mine is still dead. 315 00:11:44,462 --> 00:11:45,712 I don't feel none of that. 316 00:11:45,808 --> 00:11:48,088 They're gonna cut you across here, alright? 317 00:11:48,190 --> 00:11:50,470 Then they're gonna take the bottom of your stomach 318 00:11:50,571 --> 00:11:53,851 and they gonna clip, clip that to your breast meat. 319 00:11:53,954 --> 00:11:56,274 'Alright, now if some of y'all' 320 00:11:56,370 --> 00:11:58,480 are still as flat-chested as you are right now 321 00:11:58,579 --> 00:12:01,339 they just gonna skiz it up underneath your ribcage. 322 00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:04,484 Then you'll feel a tugging sensation, huh? 323 00:12:04,585 --> 00:12:06,825 You feel this just being tugged on. 324 00:12:06,933 --> 00:12:10,593 Then after that, you smell bacon. 325 00:12:10,695 --> 00:12:16,835 Huh? Alright. Because that's the laser burning your tubes. 326 00:12:16,943 --> 00:12:19,913 Hopefully you do understand if you want to get 327 00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:22,115 with your man, have a plan. 328 00:12:22,224 --> 00:12:23,164 [theme music] 329 00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,228 [sighs] 330 00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,923 Thanks. I'm gonna watch the game, I think. 331 00:12:31,026 --> 00:12:32,576 There's a good football game on. 332 00:12:32,682 --> 00:12:35,272 Check out the game, crack open a beer 333 00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:37,375 chill out, relax and adjust. 334 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,720 - You know what? Wow. - What do you mean, wow? 335 00:12:39,828 --> 00:12:42,728 - Oh, I just, wow. - Wha...What do you mean, wow? 336 00:12:42,831 --> 00:12:44,831 I just feel like a whore. 337 00:12:44,936 --> 00:12:46,656 You and the... Aw, here we go. 338 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,076 - No, don't touch me. - Here we go. 339 00:12:48,181 --> 00:12:50,391 No. Don't you know how that makes me feel? 340 00:12:50,493 --> 00:12:52,153 Oh, how does it make you feel? 341 00:12:52,254 --> 00:12:53,884 How do you think that makes me feel 342 00:12:53,980 --> 00:12:55,530 like I'm slaving over the stove. 343 00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:56,876 I didn't ask you to slave. 344 00:12:56,983 --> 00:12:58,433 You said "I'm gonna cut up these tomatoes." 345 00:12:58,536 --> 00:13:00,746 Oh, now you're gonna make fun of my accent now? 346 00:13:00,849 --> 00:13:02,259 Hey, how about some spray cheese? 347 00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:03,987 - Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! - You know what? 348 00:13:04,093 --> 00:13:06,343 I've had better spray cheese than that. 349 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,130 Honeymoon's over, I guess. 350 00:13:08,235 --> 00:13:09,405 - Honeymoon's over, okay? - You know what? 351 00:13:09,512 --> 00:13:10,652 [bleep] it. I'll do the dishes. 352 00:13:10,755 --> 00:13:12,575 No, no, [bleep] it. I'll do the dishes. 353 00:13:12,688 --> 00:13:15,658 I should have known better than to [bleep] an Italian. 354 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,660 [bleep]. 355 00:13:16,761 --> 00:13:18,451 [theme music] 356 00:13:20,109 --> 00:13:23,799 They are these brand-new Al-Qaeda dogs. 357 00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,316 - 'They're smart dogs.' - 'They're smart dogs.' 358 00:13:25,425 --> 00:13:27,315 And what they do is they put these little chips in 'em. 359 00:13:27,427 --> 00:13:28,947 - It's a surveillance dog. - Yeah. Right. 360 00:13:29,049 --> 00:13:31,599 [Travis] 'Are you an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog, Mario?' 361 00:13:31,707 --> 00:13:33,297 'Is that why we're turning you over to the state's--' 362 00:13:33,398 --> 00:13:36,468 He looks a little bit like an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog. 363 00:13:36,574 --> 00:13:37,754 And so like, if he's-- 364 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,031 There's like a... There's a microphone in here. 365 00:13:39,128 --> 00:13:40,368 I see something. 366 00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:43,314 Testing, one, two, one, two, check, one, two. 367 00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:44,928 Mario mic check. 368 00:13:45,031 --> 00:13:47,311 Mario microphone check. 369 00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:49,002 This would have been a very good encyclopedia brown... 370 00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:50,004 This sort of case. 371 00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:52,245 [telephone rings] 372 00:13:56,007 --> 00:13:57,417 [Travis] 'Phone's not supposed to be ringing, is it?' 373 00:13:57,526 --> 00:13:58,456 [Jim] 'No.' 374 00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:02,744 [phone rings] 375 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,982 They're probably right outside the door. 376 00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:05,364 What they're doin' is they're checking to see 377 00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:06,975 if we're in here and if we're in here 378 00:14:07,087 --> 00:14:08,427 they're gonna know I'm right by the phone 379 00:14:08,537 --> 00:14:10,187 and they're gonna come in and shoot in this corner. 380 00:14:10,297 --> 00:14:11,367 I'm getting in front of the dog. 381 00:14:11,471 --> 00:14:13,581 Yep. Okay. 382 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:14,990 Is Mar... Get behind me, Mario. 383 00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:16,195 You stay behind him. Stay behind him. 384 00:14:16,303 --> 00:14:17,203 Stay right behind me, Mario. 385 00:14:17,304 --> 00:14:18,204 Stay behind him, Mario. 386 00:14:18,305 --> 00:14:21,205 - Okay. Ready? - Swear to God. 387 00:14:21,308 --> 00:14:22,208 [phone rings] 388 00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:27,562 [hyperventilating] 389 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,899 Pick up. 390 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:34,152 Room 304. 391 00:14:34,252 --> 00:14:36,222 Uh, no, that's okay. We don't need turn-down service. 392 00:14:36,323 --> 00:14:38,843 Thank you, though. 393 00:14:38,947 --> 00:14:40,357 Gracias. You have a nice day, too. 394 00:14:40,465 --> 00:14:41,395 [theme music] 395 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:48,027 [siren wailing] 396 00:14:50,613 --> 00:14:52,033 Kinda got to take a leak. 397 00:14:52,132 --> 00:14:54,892 Go for it. I'll watch the witness. 398 00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:56,377 Whew. Then we'll check the hall again. 399 00:14:56,481 --> 00:14:58,311 And then I say after that, we'll check the roof again, yeah? 400 00:14:58,414 --> 00:14:59,694 Yeah, let's do a sweep of the roof. 401 00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:02,375 We'll do a sweep of the hall... Sweep again. 402 00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:04,207 [Travis] 'We ain't sweep the basement in a while either.' 403 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,812 - Uh, junior? - Yes, sir? 404 00:15:17,054 --> 00:15:19,024 There's no chance that this is Mario, is there? 405 00:15:21,644 --> 00:15:23,654 - That makes a lot more sense. - That's--Yep. 406 00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:24,820 [theme music] 407 00:15:27,754 --> 00:15:28,724 [Jim] 'And what's this word here?' 408 00:15:28,824 --> 00:15:30,174 [Cindy] 'First time offender.' 409 00:15:30,274 --> 00:15:33,354 - Okay, what's this word here? - Uh, incarceration? 410 00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:34,659 - Very good. - Yeah. 411 00:15:34,761 --> 00:15:37,701 - What's this here? - Bludgeon tool. 412 00:15:37,798 --> 00:15:39,418 Bludgeon. Let's work on bludgeon. 413 00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:41,324 - Brudgeon. - One more time. 414 00:15:41,423 --> 00:15:43,013 Maybe you say it for me and then I can-- 415 00:15:43,114 --> 00:15:44,324 - Ready? Ready? - Okay. 416 00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:45,736 Let's look at it together, and I'll say it. 417 00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:47,601 - Okay. - Bludgeon. 418 00:15:47,705 --> 00:15:48,775 - Bludgeon. - Bludgeon. 419 00:15:48,878 --> 00:15:51,608 - Bludgeon. - Bludgeon. Bludgeon. 420 00:15:51,709 --> 00:15:52,879 I'm gonna bludgeon you. Bludgeon. 421 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,636 My mouth don't go like that. How do you do that? 422 00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:55,886 It doesn't have to go like that. 423 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,129 It doesn't have to go like that. 424 00:15:57,232 --> 00:15:59,272 It's just the word is bludgeon. 425 00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:01,652 - Oh. Sawed-off shotgun. - Exactly. 426 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:05,653 Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed to book Benjamin Talmadge 427 00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:10,827 for four counts of grand ferony? Ferony? Feroni? 428 00:16:10,935 --> 00:16:13,275 - Yeah. Felony. - What's that? 429 00:16:13,386 --> 00:16:14,766 Oh, Cindy, that's-- 430 00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:17,910 Felony. You know, there's, like, misdemeanor, there's felony. 431 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,391 Ferony. Got it. 432 00:16:19,495 --> 00:16:21,695 Okay, you say that one time? 433 00:16:21,808 --> 00:16:23,358 Ferony. 434 00:16:23,465 --> 00:16:24,355 [inhales deeply] 435 00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,396 Ferony. 436 00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:27,612 Pretty good. 437 00:16:27,710 --> 00:16:30,960 I was having problems reading that report. 438 00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:32,409 What is that word? 439 00:16:32,508 --> 00:16:35,268 Raceny. 440 00:16:35,373 --> 00:16:37,413 You know, it's when people steal something. 441 00:16:37,513 --> 00:16:38,513 Called Raceny, right? 442 00:16:38,618 --> 00:16:40,718 Attempted Raceny. 443 00:16:40,827 --> 00:16:41,757 It's a ferony. 444 00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:42,792 [theme music] 445 00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:46,763 [rooster crow] 446 00:16:49,284 --> 00:16:51,044 Trudy! 447 00:16:51,148 --> 00:16:52,978 'Wake up! Wake up!' 448 00:16:53,081 --> 00:16:54,051 - 'Wake up!' - What? 449 00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:55,531 Wake up? 450 00:16:55,635 --> 00:16:56,595 - We stopped. - We stopped. 451 00:16:56,705 --> 00:16:58,665 - We stopped. - We stopped. 452 00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,426 Take this, take this. 453 00:17:00,536 --> 00:17:02,946 Okay. Here we go. Okay. 454 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:04,256 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too. 455 00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:05,467 Okay. 456 00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:06,506 Ready? 457 00:17:07,957 --> 00:17:08,887 [rooster crows] 458 00:17:12,271 --> 00:17:14,861 Senor. Passaportes. 459 00:17:19,486 --> 00:17:21,826 No tengo passaportes. 460 00:17:21,936 --> 00:17:25,416 No tengoat all passaportes. 461 00:17:25,527 --> 00:17:28,427 Aqui en Mexico. Necesita passaportes. 462 00:17:28,530 --> 00:17:31,120 Can I offer you some money? 463 00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:33,982 Dinero? Dinero? 464 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,707 Robert De Niro, huh? 465 00:17:36,814 --> 00:17:38,234 Robert De Niro. 466 00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:40,133 Hmm, you talking to me? 467 00:17:40,921 --> 00:17:41,991 [theme music] 468 00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:49,240 [siren wailing] 469 00:17:51,277 --> 00:17:52,417 [Chris] 'Well, my name is Chris.' 470 00:17:52,519 --> 00:17:55,729 My name is Glen, and it's a pleasure to be here 471 00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,083 to talk to you about your 401k program. 472 00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:00,250 Are you guys excited? We say 401, you say k. 473 00:18:00,355 --> 00:18:01,175 - 401. - K. 474 00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:02,527 - 401. - K. 475 00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:03,813 - 401. - 'K.' 476 00:18:03,910 --> 00:18:05,150 - '401.' - K. 477 00:18:05,256 --> 00:18:06,426 [Glen] 'Great job, great job.' 478 00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:08,163 You guys were in our premier fund 479 00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,639 'it's called the international fund' 480 00:18:09,743 --> 00:18:11,163 'we put all you guys in there' 481 00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:12,752 'and things were goin' so great.' 482 00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:14,710 You guys were makin' so much money. 483 00:18:14,817 --> 00:18:18,237 Here's the bad news. Hold on. I know it's exciting. 484 00:18:18,338 --> 00:18:21,508 'As you may have read in the newspapers' 485 00:18:21,617 --> 00:18:25,207 the economy collapsed all across the world 486 00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:29,281 and the international fund lost a [bleep]load of money. 487 00:18:29,384 --> 00:18:30,804 Yes. 488 00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:34,732 What is the total value of our 401ks today, right now? 489 00:18:34,837 --> 00:18:36,177 If we were taking it in cash. 490 00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:38,877 The international fund with everybody from this department 491 00:18:38,979 --> 00:18:43,709 invested was worth over $12 billion with-- 492 00:18:43,812 --> 00:18:46,262 [Chris] 'This is everyone around the world put into the--' 493 00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:47,636 That's what it was at the very beginning. 494 00:18:47,747 --> 00:18:51,817 Right now, it's worth just over $200,000. 495 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,623 - Two hundred thousand. - It dipped. It dipped. 496 00:18:53,718 --> 00:18:55,818 I don't want to get hung up on how much you lost 497 00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:57,167 because when I looked on your website 498 00:18:57,274 --> 00:18:58,454 it clearly said that 499 00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:01,241 you invest with the best possible decision-making 500 00:19:01,347 --> 00:19:02,727 and sometimes it benefits 501 00:19:02,831 --> 00:19:04,761 and sometimes you can't predict the future. 502 00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:06,007 That's a great question. 503 00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:07,180 'That's a... that's a great question.' 504 00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:08,494 That's a great question. 505 00:19:08,595 --> 00:19:11,145 That's a great point and a great question. 506 00:19:11,253 --> 00:19:14,983 Where did the money for our 401ks come from? 507 00:19:15,084 --> 00:19:16,534 These are taken out of your paychecks. 508 00:19:16,638 --> 00:19:18,878 It's all deducted automatically-- 509 00:19:18,985 --> 00:19:20,085 And is put away for your retirement. 510 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,713 We've been paying into this. 511 00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:23,395 You've been paying into this without you even knowing it. 512 00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:25,127 That's the beauty of it. You didn't even feel it. 513 00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:26,823 It's planning for your future without even thinking about it. 514 00:19:26,924 --> 00:19:28,174 - You didn't even have to think. - 'Thank you.' 515 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:29,170 - Thank you. - Thank you. 516 00:19:29,271 --> 00:19:30,381 Thank you for doing that for us. 517 00:19:30,479 --> 00:19:32,069 Thank you for doing that for us. 518 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,761 Thank you for letting us not have to 519 00:19:33,862 --> 00:19:36,902 make these hard decisions. And you know what? 520 00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:40,903 Yeah, we all make mistakes. We all have problems. 521 00:19:41,007 --> 00:19:42,457 But you know what? I'm not gonna blame you. 522 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:43,600 'I'm not gonna blame you.' 523 00:19:43,699 --> 00:19:45,599 What I'm gonna say is thank you 524 00:19:45,701 --> 00:19:48,461 and I'm gonna say whatever. I'm cool. 525 00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:49,976 Thank you, Officer Bates. 526 00:19:50,085 --> 00:19:52,115 And we'll say it right off the bat, we're sorry. 527 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,225 Accepted. 528 00:19:53,330 --> 00:19:54,230 [theme music] 529 00:19:58,093 --> 00:20:00,963 There's nothing going on between me and Rizzo. 530 00:20:01,061 --> 00:20:05,411 I don't even know why anyone would even have a recommendation 531 00:20:05,514 --> 00:20:08,144 to say something so absurd like that. 532 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,001 Rizzo and I have nothing going on. 533 00:20:10,105 --> 00:20:14,795 Nothing happened in a trailer between the two of us. 534 00:20:14,903 --> 00:20:17,043 He didn't ever... 535 00:20:17,146 --> 00:20:19,936 He has never put his [bleep] inside of me 536 00:20:20,046 --> 00:20:21,046 that I can recall. 537 00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:23,080 We've never made out. 538 00:20:23,187 --> 00:20:26,397 I never confessed my love to him 539 00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:32,161 and he has never, ever, ever [bleep] me from behind. 540 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,225 That's absurd. 541 00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:35,195 That's absurd. 542 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,240 [clears throat] 543 00:20:38,927 --> 00:20:43,617 It seems specific, I know you're thinking. 544 00:20:43,725 --> 00:20:45,515 And it is. 545 00:20:45,623 --> 00:20:50,353 I have a very... 546 00:20:50,456 --> 00:20:55,836 photographic brain a lot like Ansel Adams but in color 547 00:20:55,944 --> 00:21:00,544 and with a lot more insertion and pubic hair. 548 00:21:00,638 --> 00:21:01,538 So you and Rizzo did it? 549 00:21:01,639 --> 00:21:04,329 We [bleep] in the trailer, yeah. 550 00:21:04,435 --> 00:21:06,435 [male #1] Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha! 551 00:21:06,541 --> 00:21:07,851 [elephant trumpeting] 552 00:21:09,509 --> 00:21:11,549 Glen, Chris, I had to tell 'em. 553 00:21:11,649 --> 00:21:12,549 - Pat 'em down. - Okay. 554 00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:13,620 - Pat 'em down. - Okay. 555 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,030 - I just don't... - Okay. 556 00:21:15,135 --> 00:21:17,515 It's very convenient. Jail is very, very close. 557 00:21:17,621 --> 00:21:18,931 Very, very, very close. 558 00:21:19,036 --> 00:21:21,136 Get 'em out of here. Take off all their clothes. 559 00:21:21,245 --> 00:21:22,865 - We're tryin' to help you. - Take off all their clothes. 560 00:21:22,971 --> 00:21:24,351 It's a little prank. We'll hose 'em off. 561 00:21:24,455 --> 00:21:25,965 We'll strip 'em naked and we'll leave 'em in sparks. 562 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,627 - We'll leave 'em in sparks. - We'll leave 'em in sparks. 563 00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:29,674 - Okay. Great. - Ready? Strip 'em, hose 'em. 564 00:21:29,771 --> 00:21:31,771 ♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪ 565 00:21:31,876 --> 00:21:34,086 ♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪ 566 00:21:34,189 --> 00:21:37,089 ♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪ 567 00:21:37,192 --> 00:21:39,162 ♪ We'll strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪ 41358