All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E12_English

Oh, it looks so good.

Excuse me, sir.

How long did you have to
wait to get that ice cream?

Ashley?

Dad?

Oh my god.

My sweet Ashley!

Ashley:
Oh my god!

Dad! Mom and I
thought you left us.

No, honey.

I was just getting
charcoal ice cream.

Oh, oh my god, Dad.

Oh, ooh.
-Oh.

Dad:
Oh no.

Meredith:
Oopsy daisy.

Ugh. That sucks. Anyway.

Back of the line old guy.

But-

Ashley:
Sorry dad,
rules are rules.

Err, err, err, err.

You taught me that, remember?

You're like, rules are rules.
-Yeah.

No cutting in line.

I like your beard.

I'll say hi to Mom for ya.

I didn't introduce myself.

Oh, it's alright.

I can't actually
remember his name.

Fair enough.
It's been a long time.

All right.
Let's step forward.

Let's get this ice cream.

Woohoo!

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

[clears throat]

Oh that's lovely.

Who are those from?

From me to the office.

I know I was kind of
a bitch last week,

so I thought I'd try and
show you how much I care.

That's nice of you.

What's nice of you?

Oh, well, look at the
flowers Sandra brought in?

Isn't that sweet?

So sweet.

So sweet.

Ah, Sandra, can I talk
to you for a sec?

What's up?

I know you probably didn't
do this on purpose, but uh,

being nice
around here is,

is kinda my thing.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean that I'm,

I'm known as nice Carol.

So I can't be nice too?

Not really. No.

Look, this is
so hard for me,

'cause I'm trying to say it
in the nicest way possible.

You're the nice one.

Okay, fine.
Sure, go ahead.

I mean, I guess that means
that no one else in the office

can be nice if
you're the nice one,

but that's fine.

Aurora:
Are you being
passive aggressive?

Oh no, it's cool.

I'm just usually
passive aggressive,

but if you want to take my thing
and leave me with nothing,

I'm totally fine
with nothing.

This is total utter bullshit!

Meredith:
Wow. Friggin' wow!

Don't even think about muscling
in and being the volatile one!

You back off, sister!

You just back off!

Really sorry.

Co-worker 1:
Sorry to interrupt.

But um, I'm the sorry
one around here.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

What the hell is happening?

Ah nope, I'm the
confused one.

This is not my desk.

Fine.

You know what?

I give up!

You're all pathetic

that you need to define
yourselves this way.

But I guess it's
true what they say:

small minds really
do think alike.

Finally, the bitch is back!

The bitch is back.

What was wrong with you?!

This is Sandra.

Get back to work losers. Ugh.

Okay.

Sorry.

Wait, what are we doing?

Whose desk is this?

I don't work in this office.

I didn't think so,
but I wasn't sure.

And, you're all done.

Sorry what?

Your massage is over.

Oh.

Masseuse:
Okay. You just lie here as
long as you need, okay.

And I'll just be outside.

Okay.
- Okay.

Oh.

[yawning]

[knocking]

Oh, you are still
on the table.

Yeah.

Masseuse:
Okay.

Well please, you know,
I'll just be outside

ready for you
whenever you are.

Okay.

Masseuse:
Please though,
take your time.

Take your time.

Namaste.

Namaste.

[knocking]

Oh, hi there.

Oh hey.

Masseuse:
Just me again.

Just making sure
everything's okay.

Oh yeah, it was
a great massage.

I just, I enjoyed
it so much.

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy. So happy.
-Namaste.

Namaste, I'll just be
waiting for you outside.

Customer:
Okay.

Anytime you're ready, okay.

Take your time.

Oh, I will. I will.
- Okay.

Clothes are right there.

Okay.

Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey.

Oh!

I'm still getting dressed.

Oh, you're getting dressed.

Yeah.
-Great.

Sorry, don't
mean to intrude.

No no.

Take your time.
- Okay.

Right outside.

Okay.

Anytime. Namaste.

Namaste.

Masseuse: Oh, y'all done?

No, I'm just,

just reading these
quotes on the wall.

They're really inspiring.

Mhm.

Relax.

Breathe.

Go with the current.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Patricia,

sometimes the
current moves fast.

So, sometimes the
current just moves fast.

Oh, oh my god,
I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you must want me
to get out of here

so you can have
your next client.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't-

Okay, I'll just,
you know,

I'll put on my clothes
and I'll be on my way.

Okay.
-Okay.

Please though,
take your time.

Take your time.

Oh, oh in that case,

No, I just, no,
just here.

Put this on.

You said take your time.

That's just a
thing we say!

You said-
-Get, get, get, come on!

Get in here!

Just a thing we saaay!

Get out of here!!

Goooooo!

Uh, just halfway down
on the lefthand side.

Good afternoon, sir.

Yeah, just the
second row in.

Good afternoon.
-Hi.

Ooh, wow, it's a
full flight, huh?

Yeah, we've got you in the
middle of the back row.

Um, you know what?

Shotgun!

What?
-Yeah, called it.

Hey! [chuckles]

She called shotgun.
What can I do?

Let's fly! Woo!
-Oh, wait!

Okay!

[laughing]

Does that ever
happen to you?

Um, no,

but I don't think you
should take that on.

Really?-I think you should just
be proud of your choices.

Hello.
- Oh my god!

It's so good
to see you!

It's so good to see you!

Oh, I'm so sorry,
do you two know each other?

Hi, I'm Amy.
-Oh yeah, we've met before.

Okay, you're not going
to believe this,

but I was thinking
about you-

I'm sorry, hang on.
Hang on.

I have to say,

I think what you just
did is incredibly rude.

Ah, pardon me?

When you say we've
met just to, you know,

make me feel bad for
not remembering you.

I'm sorry, but I just

don't remember everybody
that I've met.

Actually, we've met
several times.

So who's the rude one?

And where have we met?

Well, we met last week
at the Dex Vocab show.

I was with Sarah
and Tabitha.

Yeah, well it was super like,
smokey and loud there

and there was a
thousand people,

so I think you'll understand

that I do not
remember meeting you.

Last month we were both
at the Coca Conference.

We went together
just you and I.

And you said to me,

you were so glad
that I was there

because everybody
was so stuffy.

Wow, Amy.

Huh. Did you get a
haircut or something or?

No. Um,

we both went on the girls trip
to New York in May.

At the time I was
six months pregnant

and prematurely gave birth
in the backseat of a cab.

You delivered my baby.

I named her
Amy after you.

I remember New York,
but I don't remember you.

We took a picture,
the three of us.

And you set it as
your lock screen.

And you said you were
going to keep it forever

because of the
unforgettable memories.

Wow. Okay, I'm so sorry.

I just don't remember this.

This is so weird.

Oh, uh, that's weird.

You're not in this photo.

What? That's impossible.

Let me see.

Oh my gosh.
You're not. Oh.

[mouth bugle singing]

I know what's going on here.

This is, this is on me.

Jess, you're my
imaginary friend.

Oh shit!
- Yeah.

Really?

I've been super lonely
since I moved to the city

and I'm not really
making friends.

So, I don't know.

I just have like a really
overactive imagination

and, ugh, I just fell out

and then I invented you.

And then you were
hanging out.

So-

Oh.

Well.

Phew.

I mean, great!
-Really?

Jess:
Yeah. Well, you know,

this whole thing makes
so much more sense now.

I thought I was going
a little crazy there.

Great!

Hang on a second.

I'm not in this photo either.

Does that mean that I am
also an imaginary friend?

Yes. Sorry.

You too.

I have no friends.
Real friends.

Holy shit.

That's, that's a
lot to take in.

Meredith:
It probably is.

It's kind of a blow.

Well, think about
how I feel,

sitting here
drinking by myself.

Yeah.
-Well you know what?

If I'm imaginary,

then that means I don't have
a visa bill next month.

So next round's on me!

Woo!
-Oh my gosh!

Hey bartender.
-Cheers!

Another round. Cheers!

[in unison] Cheers!

Cheers.

Cheers!

Cheers.

Oh my gosh,
you guys having fun?

Yeah, I'm having like
the best time ever.

You know what we
should do next?

Pottery class.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Who wants more wine?

I do.
-Everybody?

No thank you.
-Okay, there you go.

[yawns] You guys,
you know,

if it ever gets that I
can't enjoy a glass of wine

with my friends
under the trees,

just put me down,

put me out
of my misery,

help me end it.

Claire!

Don't even joke
about that.

God.

Claire:
What?

I mean, if I couldn't
ever like go outside and

enjoy a meal or taste
the air, you know, if I,

if I wanted you to,

if I asked you to
as my best friend,

would you do it?

[chuckles] Oh my god.

No. I mean, honestly,
I'm going to cry.

I'm your best friend, no.

[Claire scoffs]

I'd help you.

Oh, it was just hypothetical.

Carolyn:
Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool cool.

So like maybe not for
like a couple of years,

like when you're
like 50 or 52 maybe?

That seems like young, but.

Well, you never know.

She could get really sick.

Anything's possible.

You know what?

I'm going to, uh, pencil you in for like the spring of 2022,

just to get something
on the books.

How's that sound?

Claire:
Okay, first of all,

I am not two years
away from 50.

And second of all,
I am not sick.

That you know of, right?

In fact, no pressure,

but I put this
together for you guys.

It's, uh, just a little
death plan for each of you.

Oh.
-Sherry, there's yours.

Amelia.

Claire, take a look.

This is the floor plan
to a grain silo?

I just thought,

'cause you grew
up on a farm,

you might want to go
back to the farm.

Amelia, I called yours
"champagne supernova"

because of the amphetamines
and your Prosecco.

Amelia:
This is seriously
messed up.

Like, I think I
might be sick.

Take these pills,
these'll help.

Um...

You guys, it's Gravol.

It's Gravol.

Cross my heart
and hope you die.

Fine. Give me them back.

God.

Carolyn:
And while you're at it,
you know what?

Maybe don't drink
anymore of that wine.

Oh god.
- I mean a sip or two's fine,

but I wouldn't go much
farther than that.

Okay, I'm out of here.
-You guys.

No, I think we should
go to a walk-in clinic

while we still can.

Come on, you guys.
What? Don't leave.

Just to be safe.
-Guys!

Sorry, I'm a follower.

So I have, there's
more of them than you.

Oh, come on!

It was really good.

Please. Guys! Come on.

Oh yeah, fine,
walk away.

Run away!

Run away!

But when you're looking
for someone to kill you,

don't call me!

Actually do call me!

Call me.

Please call me,
I'll have my phone on.

Hey Magda.

Thank you so much for,
um, meeting with me.

Um...

So, your coursework
this year has been

underwhelming to
say the least.

You have zero interest
in the subject matter.

Your assignments
were lazily executed.

And you've been late or absent for more than half of the term.

But, you have over
20,000 Twitter followers.

And you're very active on
rateyourprofessor.com.

So I think it's only fair
that I give you an A.

Awesome, it's great
working with you, Prof.

Ah, do it.

Five star rating.

Best class ever.

Aaahh.

Great.

Thank you.

See you Monday!

Magda:
Sorry?

Or not, you know,
no need to come.

All right, then to sum up,

the following topics of
conversation are off the table

for discussion.

My client's weight,
haircut and life goals.

Uh, gay marriage,
regular marriage,

any and all mention
of children.

Agreed.

Okay, we will just need
your client to sign here.

Thank you.

This is the best
we could do.

Okay.

That's great.
Thank you.

All right, fantastic.

Congratulations ladies,

you may proceed
with your lunch.

So Mom, how are you?

Did you hear what your
amazing sister did?

Where's my lawyer?

Where's my lawyer?

I'm sorry, I'm just going to
have to direct your attention

to subsection 6a here.

No mentioning of siblings.

Thank you very much.

Sure.

Oh, I really like
those pants.

They're gorgeous pants.

They look like the ones
I was wearing yesterday.

I didn't think were gonna
wear them again the next day.

But here we are.
-Here we are.

My favourite part of a meeting
is that time before the-

The beginning.
-The beginning,

when you just don't even
know what you're doing.

The assistant's sitting

and you don't know what
you're going to do.

Anyway, it feels really nice.

Oh sure.
Come on in.

Oh, hello.

[in unison] Hi.

Hello.
-Hi.

Well, we so appreciate having
you aboard as corporate sponsors

for the
Illuminati Arts Festival.

It was like when
we got the call,

did we want to be a sponsor?
-We said yes immediately.

We said yes.
-Didn't have to think about it.

Do we want to part with
our money for the arts,
for the arts?

[overlapping talking]

So we think we're
pretty important.

Yeah.

Fantastic!

Um, well Zan,

would you like to show
them some of the ideas

we have for arts projects
for this season?

Great!
-Fantastic.

Can't wait to see what
you've got up your sleeve.

Ooh.
-Oooh. What's this?

Jennifer:
Well, so this first one is
a play that's about the-

A play.

Yeah, we don't
know about a play.

Ew.

Well, this is super political.

It's very, you know, um-

Oooh.
-The worst kind of play.

Yeah a play is really boring.

[overlapping talking]

Oh I didn't read a newspaper,
now I don't understand it.

Oh, okay.

Man:
Is there anything else?

Jennifer:
Yes. Well now our
next project is a-

What am I seeing?

Jennifer:
A sculpture of a block of ice
made from a block of ice.

Not fun, you know?
-Just a block of ice?

Who's going to go
see an ice block?

Not me. I'm not into it.
-Not me.

Oh, well, it's a comment on our
removal as a society from ice,

uh, in these times
of global warming.

Ruth:
You know what?

Why don't we make
it out of butter?

Butter is better.

That's not really the,
uh, the artist's vision.

Carolyn:
Maybe the children can
sled down the butter.

And you can maybe shape a
butterball if you want.

And just have a nice
little butter ball, so.

You know, I think we can
make it out of butter.

Ruth:
Thank you,
that's a great idea.

Man:
Thank you for bringing
that to the table.

I'm so happy the artist
wanted to make it out butter.

I'm so happy that Ruth is happy.
-Fantastic.

Is there anything else?

Yes. A traditional
Chinese opera.

Man:
Oh, like Miss Saigon.

Oh like Miss Saigon.
-Yeah.

Miss Saigon.

I keep telling you you
gotta check that out.

Yeah, I gotta check
out Miss Saigon.

Yeah, there's a
helicopter on stage.

There's a helicopter in it.

Never got around to
seeing it though.

Yeah, there's a
lot of songs.

It's, uh, the Beijing Opera.

Beijing?

From-from China.
-From China. From China.

Jennifer:
So not appropriating
the culture.

The-the actual culture.

And, uh, so we would
bring them from there

and then they would perform.

They'd come on an airplane?
-Yes.

And the interactive
portion would be?

Yeah, what's the interactive
portion of the opera?

Well, uh, there's a
reception afterwards?

Well maybe if we got
rid of all the shows

and we just did
the reception.

Reception is good because
receptions are interactive,

That's pretty interactive.

[overlapping talking]

Man:
Silence is a bit boring.
It's not fun.

Ruth:
Have some wine.

You know what we can do,
take fun and art,

put it together,
call it fart.

Fart. Fart.

So it's the Illuminati Farts
Festival For Rich People.

Rolls off the tongue
pretty well, yeah.

That sounds good.

Yeah I think everybody would
want to take part in that,

in the fart festival.

Ruth:
Everybody likes a
good fart every day.

Man:
Yeah, definitely.

Fantastic. So happy to put our
money behind the festival.

Yeah.
-Dip, dip, dip, yeah.

It's not that much money.
-No.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, is that a blue hazel
or a green hazel?

I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry to
interrupt ladies.

Sorry. No, I just
wanted to know,

have you had a
chance to decide

or do you need a
few more minutes?

Ah, no, no, I'm good.

I'm going to have the
burger and the salad.

Okay. And for you?

Oh, god, it's
tough to decide.

There's so many choices.

So many good choices, yeah.
-Yeah so many choices.

Woo hoo. It's a tough one.
-Yes.

Carolyn:
Well what's, um,
what's your favourite?

I really like the lasagna.

It's great.

No. No, anything else?

Oh, well I really
like the burger.

It's-it's very good.
-I've had it before.

We're known for
our burger, so.

Hmm, no.

What else-what
else do you like?

Oh, well I like the steak.

Mmm, I don't think so. No.

She said she liked it.

So she's...
-Mmm.

There might be something else
up in that head of yours.

What else?

Uh, the mussels?

Well, uh, the soup of
the day is excellent.

It's a roasted tomato.

Yeah but if the tomatoes
have been roasted

what else has happened
to them, you know?

Okay. Uh, I like
the chef salad.

And who's the chef?

He's a great guy.

His name's Marcel.

That's a monkey's name.

You know what I like?
The bread.

The bread is excellent
and it's free.

Mm, it's been fingered likely.

I don't really want
a fingered bread.

What else do you like?

Well, I-I like the nachos.

But I can't-
-Yeah, but, you know,

it's not your favourite.

Ah. Okay, well,
you know what?

Can't go wrong with a drink.

Carolyn:
I don't know about liquids.

They're so wet,
you know?

Okay, a bit forward.

A bit forward.
Alright, here we go.

Aurora:
A little bit back.

Jennifer:
Alright.

Aurora:
Yeah. And a bit forward.

Okay.

Aurora:
Okay, now back.

Back.

Aurora:
And now forward again.

Okay.

That's weird.

And you're good!

I'm good.
- You're good.

Okay.

Ah, thank you.

Oh, I'm nowhere
near the curb.

Oh yeah, I just needed help

flattening these
chicken breasts.

Oh.

I'm just making
some schnitzel.

So, thank you.

I guess I could
walk from here.

Candice:
Okay. And how are we doing
on the rent evictions?

Jenna:
Our figures show that
we're way ahead

and the law's
on our side, so.

Candice:
Fantastic.

Okay, before we finish any
other comments or questions?

Mandy.

When-when, uh, when we
hazing the new girl?

Sorry, I need you
to clarify that.

New girl, that one there.
When we gonna haze her?

We don't do that anymore.

We found it interferes
in productivity.

Any other comments?

Mandy:
Ah, yeah. I got hazed.

So she's getting hazed.

And that's only fair.
-Um...

Mandy.
-Jenna.

I don't want to even hear it.

Do you remember the
blood ceremonies?

Do you remember that?

Do you remember
the snake trials?
-[in unison] Mhm.

I lived in garbage
for a week, didn't I?

I slept in garbage.
I ate garbage.

Now she doesn't
have to do that?

Oh my gosh.

Well, that's not fair.
That's just not fair!

Jenna:
I'm afraid the partners have
decided it's cruel, so.

Cruel? You guys remember
when Gord peed on me?

Remember that Gord?

Y'all made a
circle around me

and you laughed
and you clapped?

Now I said that was cruel,

but you all said
it was necessary

if I wanted to
be a file clerk

at Southwest Kitchener Ontario's seventh best law firm!

Candice:
Mandy, nothing would
give me greater pleasure

than to tie you down

and dump a bucket of
snakes on your face.

But my legal department
tells me

that that's not
happening anymore.

So let's talk
about it that way.

Candice! I got your name
tattooed on my back.

Okay, Candice rules.

It was a stick and poke.

It took twenty minutes
at lunch.

That's on me forever.

Come on!

Listen, I gave one of
my four sons to Karen.

Karen:
Hey hey, do not
make this about me.

Oh, thank you Xavier.

You're welcome.

Good job, Xavier.
-Yeah.

And I did it all
because I thought, hey,

at least one day I'll be
able to haze the new girl.

Hi, how's it going?

And then I can know the joy
that you're all feeling.

I want to know that joy.

Nobody's disputing the fact

that we did enjoy ourselves
during your hazing.

Then let's keep doing it!

We love it! Yeah!

Raise your hands if you
want to keep hazing?

Raise them high.

You new girl,
you want it.

Trust me.
-I don't.

You don't want a stick and poke?
-No, I really-

Come on, Steve.

You told me the
story of your hazing.

Remember, you guys you tied
his penis to a big rock,

and then you rolled it down
the hill and then he cried.

And then he chased it.

Do you remember that?
Come on let's do that to her.

Well that's impossible.

She doesn't even
have a penis.

It doesn't matter,
we'll tie it to her pubes.

I have a Brazilian.

Dammit!

This is bullshit!

This is-

I quit!

I'm going to start
my own company

where there's only hazing.

Have at it.

Mandy:
I am going to have at it.
It's going to be super fun

and loads of cool
Satan stuff.

Who's coming with me?

Everyone.

Good, fine.

I'm going to see
you at my place.

Stick and pokes for everyone.

Y'all have my name on
all your frigging backs.

Lots of fun.

666.

Let's go, guys.

Well, now that that's over.

Any other questions
or comments?

Anyone?

Steve:
Ah yeah.

[clears throat]

I was just thinking now
that we're done hazing, uh,

maybe I could get some money
for my reattachment surgery?

Oh sorry Steve,
that's not in the budget.

And by the way,

anybody who uses my
first name again

is going to have their
face dipped in acid.

Mhm.
-Okay.