All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E10_English

...and that's why I never buy
toilet paper in bulk.

Makes sense.
Oh my god.

What?

Ahhhh.

Um, isn't that, uh,

Joe over there with
that woman and the dog?

Suzy:
Yes it is.

Oooh, this is gonna be good.

Hi!

Is everybody having
a nice time, hm?

[Stammering] I mean-

I-I-I.

You told me that you
were allergic to dogs.

What?

I'm pretty sure you did!

And doesn't that mean I
could have had a dog!

This whole time!

Oh my god.

I can't believe you would lie
about something like that.

I think you should leave.

I think you should leave!
-Suzy I-

Go.
-Eat shit!

Go go go.

Get away from
me and my dog.

Eat the dog shit!

Joe:
I'm sorry.

God, I am so
sorry about that.

Hi, I'm Holly.

This is Keeba.
Do you want to say hi?

Hi, Keeba.

Who's a lovely little girl.
-Yeah.

She's good, did you
want to grab a coffee?

Oh I would love to.
-Come on.

Let's, come on, girl,
let's go get a coffee.

I could have had a
dog the whole time.

Holly:
Oh you poor thing.

Oh, I-
Suzy: I-I got a date.

Do you want your?

Suzy:
This just worked
out for me.

No? Oh.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Meredith:
And then he said, "Well, at least you're taller than Yoda".

I know.
-This is great.

I've never taken
Uber pool before.

Me neither, I usually take thetrain and I work all the way in.

Meredith:
That's what I do too.

Oh my gosh.

I've never had so much fun
with strangers before.

Driver:
I'm glad you're enjoying
your ride ladies,

just one more stop.

Oh, yeah.

Scooch.

Yeah, I just think it's like so
affordable and it's pleasant.

Yeah.

I mean, I suppose-

Conference call.
Conference call. Shh.

Meredith:
It's just that we were-

We were talking.

Carolyn:
Uh-huh.

Can we get the
windows rolled up?

Sorry.

Carolyn:
Oh, no, that's a
great point, Dan.

My assistant's drawing up
the report as we speak.

Here, collate these.

[dramatic music]Oh, okay.

Carolyn:
Absolutely, not a
problem at all.

I need same-day courier
service to Hong Kong, stat.

Right away.

Oh, oh this is my stop.

Not until you're done collating,
it's not.

Sorry, Dan.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

Why are we stopped?

Why are we stopped?

Why are we stopped?!

You're fired.

You, I'm promoting you
to head of transport.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Don't you have to get out?

Shhh. I can't get fired.
I need this job.

Meredith:
Everybody comfortable?

Women, would you please focus.

I can't lose this account.

I've arranged shipping!

Here are the reports
you asked for.

Now, I've got the
reports right here

and the samples will be
delivered by end of day.

Yeah, no problem at all.

Speak soon. Mhm.

Great.

Good work, team.

Couldn't have done
it without you.

Okay, thank you.

Carolyn:
Lunch is on me.

Oh.

She was so cool.

Yeah.

Did I just steal a car?

Yeah.

Oooooooom.

Hi.

Namaste.

Hi. Um, I would like to register
for your doja baby yoga, please.

Oh, wonderful.

That's one of our
most popular classes.

Great. Fantastic.

So how old is the little one?

Um, sorry, what,
what little one?

Your little one.

Your baby.
How old is your baby?

Oh, I don't-I
don't have a baby.

Oh, um, then you must want
one of our other classes.

We offer, um, Hatha yoga,
Moksha yoga, Ashtanga yoga.

Oh yeah.

Um, I think I'll
just stick with, um,

doja baby yoga, thanks.

Doja baby yoga is for babies.

We do offer the same doja yoga
class for adults.

Thanks, I'd prefer
the one for babies.

But you're not a baby.

Anymore.

Doja baby yoga is for babies.

Oh yeah, I prefer to learn
the way a baby learns

without any preconceived
notions of the poses.

Like the way a baby would.

You know?

I don't.

I'm a slow learner.

And you said it was your
most popular class.

For babies.

I'm a slow learner.

Um, we offer a whole range
of beginner classes.

I highly recommend
one of those.

Oh, okay, I'll take
a beginner class.

Um, I'll take, um,
beginner baby yoga, please.

Um...

Okay.

Be fun.

Huh.

Ooh.

[sighs]

Jennifer:
Oh, breathe.

[deep inhale and exhale]

No, maybe not.

Smile.

Hmm, feels kind
of forced, okay.

Be happy.
[chuckles]

Thanks pillow. How?

Wow, that's dark.

I mean, the colours
are pretty and

how do you even get away
with something like that, I-

Oh.

Okay, life plan sorted.

Room tied together.

Thanks pillow.

Happiness achieved.

That is a good
day of shopping.

I'm going to have to hit
the hardware store now.

Duct tape, that'll
be my first thing.

I just want you to know
that I am not angry at you,

but you are not
going to a school

that teaches that class.

It's just sex ed.

Mom:
Whoa. What are
they teaching you?

The anal sex 101?

Mom.
- Mhm?

It's not what
they're teaching us.

Mom:
Okay. Really?

Okay, well what-what are
they teaching you then?

Like different
genders and stuff.

Male, female, transgender-

And anal?

Mom! No!

Mom:
Okay. Well, you know,
I will be damned,

just damned if any son of
mine learns about anal sex

or fisting or rimming

or rusty tromboning
or beads or plugs

or any type of
anal play at all.

[sighs] It's actually
a really boring class.

They talk about
body parts mostly-

Anal parts.
-No.

But it doesn't mean
they won't eventually.

'Cause first,
you know,

it's like, "Oh, hey babe,
you ever heard of this?"

Then it's like,
"Oh honey,

"Here's something that
I would like to try."

And then you do it once.

You do it that one time on
their birthday, you know?

And then it's all
they ever talk about.

Mom,

can you please stop
talking about anal to me?

I'm sorry.

It's just that I
worry about this.

You know,
something like this,

it needs to be approached
with a lot of thought

and a lot of care.

And lube.

That's a very-

That's a very good point.

[soft uptempo music]

Jennifer:
Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm looking
for a nice,

not-too-expensive red
for a dinner party.

Oh, okay.

This is a very
nice Italian red.

Now are these, uh, work
friends or friend friends?

Oh, it's just the old
gang from high school.

Oh, in that case,

I would go with this one.

It's a little heavier,

but it pairs very well with
everyone talking over each other

as they brag about how
well they're doing.

Great, thanks.

Jennifer:
You're welcome.

Aurora:
Hi.

Um, do you have
anything that's good

for crying alone to Netflix?

Ah, yes.

Any of these reds over here
named after cupcakes will do.

Aurora:
Oh, great.
Thank you.

Yeah, enjoy ladies.

Hi, uh, maybe you can
help me find something.

I'm looking to have

a long meandering fight with
my boyfriend about money.

Try this.

You'll be screaming about his
credit balance in no time.

Perfect.

White makes me crazy!

I have been drinking the
same Chardonnay for years.

Looking to change it up.

I've just the thing.

Okay.

We cannot keep
this on the shelves.

This is a very nice
Prosecco that goes well with

finally kissing your
best friend on the lips

the night before her wedding,

just to see!

Okay, that sounds
nice next week.

But this week I'm sort of
looking for something

I can down in one go,

make a reckless
online purchase.

Do you have anything?

Any of these boxed
wines will do.

How about, yeah,
this one here?

There you go.

Oh my god!
-Yeah.

Meredith:
New winter boots!

Woman:
Uh, hey, do you have a
wine that goes well with

finally emailing your ex-husband
that play you wrote about him?

Ooh [chuckles].

Well, I can tell you from
personal experience,

you're going to need
a tequila for that.

Oh.
-Aisle six.

Ah, okay.

Yeah, I wrote one
about my ex, so.

Oh, what's it called?

Your goatee is
a deal breaker.

Woman:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's yours?
- Polyamory does not work.

Jennifer:
Oh, true dat.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Ice, Ice, kitty, boom
boom boom boom bada boom ♪

I've got cat hair
all over me.

Hello again.
-Hi.

[cat screeching]Nice to see you too, handsome.

He's fine.
-Hello.

Just a bit punchy these days.

So has Vanilla Ice had any new
symptoms since I saw him last?

He's been spraying all
over the apartment.

Found some blood in his pee.
-Yeah.

Meredith:
So that's why we
called you right away.

Vet:
Well, my roommate and
I have a male cat

who used to have a
spraying problem.

So I get it.

Now spraying in and of
itself is not fun. But-

Um, did you say,
did you say roommate?

Yes, yes.

We share a couple of cats.

They are lovely little fellows,
but not as lovely as you.

And you're a doctor, right?
-Yes.

Sorry. You're-you're
the doctor.

You're not like
the vet tech or?

No no, I'm the vet.

You're the vet.
-Oh yes.

And you have a roommate,
you said?

Actually, I have
two roommates.

The three of us
share an apartment.

Share an apartment.

Vet:
So last time he was here

we do have a record of him
having high calcium levels

and that can
indicate cancer.

I just need to circle back-
-Yeah.

Ah, for a second.
-Yeah.

So you're a doctor and
you share an apartment

with a couple of roommates?

Yes I do.

Oh.
-Okay.

Okay. Anyway, you were saying
something about, um, the cat-

The cat-
-Having cancer.

Cancer.

I don't know that for sure,
of course.

So that's why it's
important that we run tests

because it could
be his kidneys.

It could be his
renal system.

And just to be clear,

that's probably going to be
about $3,000 for the tests.

Whoa, that's a lot of money.
-That's a lot of money.

I mean, we want to
rule everything out.

You sure you're just not

trying to make your share
of the rent this month?

I'm sorry?

You sure it's
just not like,

trying to raise the money to
replace the flag in your window

for like a proper curtain

or like get some
new ramen noodles

to stock in the
communal kitchen?

I know, a new sweat sock
on your door

so when you're having sex,

your other roommates
don't like-

Oh, the sock's on the door.

Don't come iiiiiin.

Just because I
choose to live

with a smaller
environmental footprint

does not mean that I'm
not a real doctor!

I'm so tired of
this attitude!

I'm so sorry.
-She started it though.

I did start it.

I'm sorry just
you hear $3,000

and you just kind
of wonder like,

why do you need that money?
-I just followed along.

That's what the
relationship's like.

No, we were both in on
it at the same time.

No, but you started it.
-We both started it.

And then if I don't joke
with you she gets upset-

No, she looked at me
and then I went back

-She started it.and then we just wanted
to be on the same page.

Sorry.

I get it.

It's very stressful having
a sick pet, isn't it?

Carolyn:
Do whatever you
need to do.

We want Vanilla Ice to be,
you know,

in top form for
the Grammys.

His groovy self.

In that case, I think
that we should

test for diabetes and
heartworm and leukemia.

Carolyn:
Whoa, that's a lot.

You think he has diabetes?

No, but I really want
to upgrade my futon

to a real
queen sized bed.

You know, my back
is killing me.

You can't sleep on a futon.
You know, like-

I know. I know.
-I know.

I mean, our relationship got
better when we got a King.

I'm 47, I deserve a King.

Yeah, and maybe like
a lot of lights

so that the basement
just sort of feels

a little bit more
above ground.

Yeah, exactly.

How'd you know I
was in a basement?

Lucky guess.
-Huh.

[soft relaxing music]

♪

[gasps]

Ugh.

No.

No.

Ah.

[uptempo quirky music]

Ew. Ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, ew.

Oooh. Oh my god,
how long is this thing?

Ooh. Oh god.

Oh, is that cat barf?

We have not had a
cat for six years.

That's where they were.

I mean, of course just
when you buy a new pair.

I mean, oh my god.

Ugh. Oh.

[sniffs] Seaweed.

[tinkling]

Okay, that explains why I've
been having the headaches.

Yep.

Ah! Is that a finger?

Ah!

Who do I know that
is missing a finger?

[gasps]

Grade eight shop class!

Oh my god,
Mr. Rancherowski.

Oooh.

Probably too late
to attach that.

Okay.

Hmm, sweet.

It's a reward for
a hard day's work.

[can fizzes open]

Oh.

Oh, okay.

[softly] One, two, three.

Ow!

Oh my god, I feel
10 pounds lighter.

Phew.

[soft relaxing music]

Good afternoon, sir.

What can I get
for you today?

Ah, scotch and soda.

Hold the soda.

[clicks mouth]

[man chuckles]

Thank you.

Just, um, let me know when
you would like the soda.

I've got about
two ounces left,

so any time
you-you want it.

Sorry.

Hi.
-Hi.

I would like to return
the Lego, please.

Okay.

Is there something
wrong with the Lego?

Oh no, not at all.

It's actually a very
sweet Lego set.

It's just-

Like, it's not
what I thought.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, like all my friends
were getting Lego sets

so I thought, oh, hey, that,
that could be for me.

Everyone said,
oh my god,

you're really gonna love the
Lego set when you get it.

You're going to be so fulfilled
when you get the Lego set.

You can't imagine your
life without the Lego.

That's what they all said.

Oh, well it is a fun and
challenging toy for, you know,

old and young alike.

Who's up everyday with Lego?

Who gets up in the
middle of the night

to see if the Lego is safe?

Who is watching the Lego
suck the life out of her face?

Let me tell you
who it is, Wanda.

It's me, that's who.

Are we still
talking about Lego?

Oh yeah!

We are still talking
about the Lego

because that is all anybody
wants to talk about.

All the time.

How's the Lego?

Oh my gosh,
we love your lego.

How tall is the
Lego tower now?

Who gives a-

[woman sobs]

Maybe you could get
another Lego set

to keep the first
one company.

That's the dumbest fucking
thing I ever heard.

I'm sorry.

Like I used to have a
life beyond the Lego.

I used to do things.

I took care of myself.

Okay, so you want
to return the Lego?

Yes.

I'm so sorry to
tell you this.

But once the Lego
is out of the box,

it's no longer
considered a Lego set,

it's just your Lego.

Goddammit.
-I'm sorry.

Fine. Fine.

I'll just like throw
it out or something.

No, no, wait, no!

Don't throw it out like
it's a piece of garbage.

You know, maybe there
are people out there

who don't have
their own Lego,

who-who can't have
their own Lego,

who would love to take
care of your Lego.

[stirring music]

Wanda are you still
talking about the Lego?

Yes.

Would you like my Lego set?

Yes.

[stirring music]

♪

Okay. Don't play with
it in your bare feet.

Wanda:
Okay.

Don't you keep
her up late.

Do you hear me?

Put boundaries on it.
Do you hear me?

I will.

Don't co-sleep
with the Lego.

Ruins your sex life.

Wanda:
Okay.

Thank you for coming
into my life.

What are we going
to call you?

Tower?

Bridge?

A house?

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[suspense thriller music]

Man:
Please, let me go!

I swear to god
it wasn't me!

Ha, they all say that.

[cocks gun]

Any last words?

Oh god.

Woman:
Um, excuse me.

What do you think
you're doing?

What does it look like,
sexy baby.

We're carrying out a hit.

Jennifer:
Ha, not at 2:30,
you're not.

What are you talking about?

We booked this field
for our hit at 2:30.

You can't book a field.

Oh yeah?

Well the sign-in
sheet says otherwise.

Aurora:
See. Jill S.,
Martha G. 2:30 PM.

This sign-up
sheet's great idea.

Now there's no more bottlenecks
at high traffic times.

Right?

You know, I miss when it was
just guys doing this work.

[cocks gun]

Personally, I'm all in favour

of women performing
non-traditional jobs.

Thank you.

The trunk they threw me in

had a little care package,

a magazine and a small
little bottle of water.

Oooh, nice touch.

We should do that.

Can the ladies whack me?

I mean, it just looks like
they're having a better time.

[chuckles] We really are.

It's true.

So your graves aren't
going to dig themselves.

Let's get going.

This looks good over here.
-Mhm, here.

Get to work.
-Get going pretty boy.

Hey, come on.

We should sign up
for tomorrow, yeah?

Yes.

[soft guitar music]

Thank you so much for
the invite, Mr. Harrity.

Please, it's Paul.

It's Paul.
- Paul it is.

We're always happy to share
our country get away

with a new member
of the firm.

Mrs. Harrity:
But uh, we haven't
been up here

since we closed the
cottage at Thanksgiving.

Why did you close it?
[grunting]

It's not winterized.
-It's not winterized.

It's not what?

Ah!
-How are we?

Let's put on a smile.

Why?

The place looks like hell.

Can I help?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We just cover up all the
furniture with tarps

to protect it from
all the mouse shit.

Scott:
Ooh, pretty cool in here.

No worries kids,
we'll get this stove lit,

it'll warm right up.

Mrs. Harrity:
Yeah in about, uh,
twelve to fifteen hours

we'll all be nice and
toasty warm in here.

Did you say
fifteen hours?

Paul:
Mhm.

It's all right.

We'll head to bed early,
warm ourselves up.

Yeah. We don't have any
running water at the cottage

in the winter, so ah.

You don't have any
running water?

No.
-No one told me that.

You didn't mention it

when you said we'll come
here for the weekend.

Yeah.
-Okay.

[dramatic chord]

Monica:
Is there a bathroom?

Oh just head outside,

look for the yellow snow.

I've already been.

Mrs. Harrity:
Yeah and if you need
to go number two

you're just gonna want to grab
one of those plastic poop bags

right up there by the door.

Is that for real?
Paul: Mhm.

And when you're done just
hang it on a branch,

that's what I do.

It'll be your bag
for the weekend.

But just make sure you hang
it on a lower branch, hun,

you know, you don't want
to mix it up with Paul's.

How would it mix up?

Well he's got a big colon
and it hangs low.

Um-

I'm good, I don't
have to go anymore.

[dramatic chord]

Scott:
But, hey, uh, which
way to our bedrooms?

Oh.

No no, ah, we've closed
off the bedrooms.

Oh.

Mrs. Harrity:
So we'll just, ah,
drag a mattress in here

and we're all gonna sleep in
the living room family style.

Bedroom, huh.

I'm so sorry.

But I have to go
to the bathroom.

Paul:
Finally.

You know where the bags are,
don't ya?

Paul:
Perfectly natural,
my friend.

Mrs. Harrity: Yeah.
-Enjoy.

Do you have any bags
that aren't see-through?

Why would you want that?

I just think it's
pretty obvious.

Not to us.

Well it's a health check.
Monica: Okay.

Paul:
You let her have a look.
She'll diagnose everything.

Mrs. Harrity:
Take your time.

So we're all just
gonna sleep in here?

Yeah.

Strip off your clothes,

throw on some jammies

and we'll have a good old
fashioned slumber party.

Paul:
Here, try that on.

Okay.

[squeaking]

[dramatic chord]

You good Scott?
-Yeah, super cozy, yeah.

Good.

Paul: There she is.
Mrs. Harrity: Ah.

A little bit lighter, huh.

Come on Monica,
get in here.

Try on one of
these nightshirts.

Come on.

I'm so sorry, I didn't-

I couldn't, there
wasn't a branch.

I didn't know what
to do with it.

Oh.

Mrs. Harrity:
Don't worry about it.

Put it right here.

Yeah, no, it's okay.
I'll put it by the door.

It's a stinky one, honey.
Does that mean something?

We'll put it out
in the morning.

[dramatic chord]

Mrs. Harrity:
Ooh.

Let's not forget.
-Ah.

A drink.

Mrs. Harrity:
Oh no, this is just in case
you need to pee in the night.

I've locked up
the cottage so

you don't want to be
traipsing around at night.

Just have a
tinkle in there.

Paul:
Oh.

Mrs. Harrity:
We only got the
one mattress,

so we can take
the first shift.

There we go.

Don't forget to take
your poo, okay?

Leave with what you brought.

Don't touch my shit.

[door creaks shut]

[Mrs. Harrity sighs]