All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E06_English

Humph, I don't know.

Mmm.

Hey.

Mmm.

What do you think? Huh?

Um...

You know what they say,

just before you
leave the house,

take off one thing.

Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay.
- You'll do great.

Ah, let's see.

[lively instrumental]
[background chatter]

Yeah, she was right,

this really works.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds
its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath
a little longer,

♪ Let's go dancing underwater,

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Thanks for coming
together and doing this,

it's hard being
alone on a,

on a week night.

I guess there's just no
good single guys left.

Oh, did you hear Alex
is back in town?

Oh, I thought he left town to
join Doctors Without Borders?

Oh yeah he did,
but now he's back,

turns out he's a doctor
who really needs borders.

Oh.
-Oh.

I had a great date last night.
-No you didn't!

Yes I did and it was amazing.

Oh my gosh, he
was so into me.

We talked for hours.

He asked me all
these questions.

Oh, great.
-Wow.

Yeah.
-Like what?

Oh well, he wanted
to know like,

what was the first
band that I ever saw.

The name of my childhood pet.
-Oh.

What's my favourite movie.

He even wanted to know my
mother's maiden name. Oh.

Oh, um-

Oh, I mean, obviously
he stole my identity

and I had to change my
credit cards, but, you know,

you live and learn.
-Of course you do.

And it doesn't even matter

because I met this other
great guy and get this,

he's the Prince of Nigeria.

No fair!

I don't know how I do it,

he just emailed
out of the blue.

Does he have a brother?

Yes he does and he's
stuck in London,

he just needs a
Western Union transfer.

Hook me up!

Double date, double date,
double date.

Alright, don't be scared,
don't be scared,

you can do this,
you can do this.

Don't look at the needle,
don't look at the needles.

Don't look, I'm scared.

Tattoo Artist:
Oh, hey hey hey,

don't worry about it,
is this your, uh,

first tattoo?

Yeah, pretty obvious.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just had a really
tumultuous year,

and I just thought I would
do something for myself.

Okay. What are you
thinking of getting?

Some kind of a bird like
a phoenix or something.

Or maybe like a good shell.

We don't do that here, sorry.

Well isn't this a
tattoo parlour?

Yeah, the, uh,
The Naughty Tattoo Parlour.

Oh I, like as in naughty.

As in Don Knotts.

What?

Don Knotts, K-n-o-t-t-y.
-Pardon?

Can you explain it better?

You know when you,
um, go to a bakery

and all they sell is cupcakes.
-Yeah.

Or you go to a store,
all they sell is socks.

Yep.
-Yeah.

We only do tattoos of five
time Emmy Award winner,

Don Knotts.

Like, from the
Andy Griffith Show?

Doesn't have to be.

It doesn't have
to be Don Knotts?

Oh, no, it sure as hell
has to be Don Knotts,

it just doesn't have to be
from the Andy Griffith Show.

Look, come on,
check this out,

Don Knotts, Mr. Furley
in Three's Company.

Uh, got this,

Matlock, Don Knotts,
Les Calhoun.

Look at this one,

Don Knotts, 1998,
E True Hollywood Story.

Or you go with
the old classic,

the whole Andy Griffith family,

right there with Don Knotts.

This is the bestselling
tramp stamp I've got.

I'm gonna tramp on you,

I'm gonna tramp on you,

tramp, trampy, tramp
tramp tramp tramp.

I'm just not sure

a tattoo of Don Knotts

is going to help me
process my divorce.

Take a look at this,

you don't think this face

is going to restore
your faith in men?

Uh? Right?

Ahahahaha, eh? Waha haha.

Um, isn't his character
in Three's Company

a bit of a homophobe?

And doesn't he kind of
sexually infantilize

Chrissy and Janet though?

What?

Have you not seen
Three's Company?

Oh fuck.
[Andy Griffith Show Theme]

Tattoo Artist: Ah, shit.
Woman: Yeah.

What have I done?

I have no idea.

Fuck my life.
-Sort of-

I sunk everything I
had into this place.

Woman:
Thank you.

Tattoo Artist:
No I just, I thought
he had a funny name.

[lively instrumental]

Okay, what do we got here?

Garbage, garbage,
recycling, recycling.

Keep tidy,

help the planet, ooh.

Woman:
Oh excuse me,

you can't recycle
coffee cups.

But it's paper.

Yeah they break the
machines or something.

Oh.

Sorry planet.

Oh well.

[lively instrumental]

Okay, cup in the garbage.

Lid in recycling.

You are welcome planet.

Um, you can't actually
recycle black plastics.

Oh but it had the little
recycle symbol on it.

Yeah, apparently it
breaks the machines.

Sooo?

Sooo do you want to
break the machine?

No.

My bare hand?
-Yeah.

Think of the animals.

Woman:
Oh god. Oh-

You ever seen Planet Earth?

This is what it's
all about, okay.

Oh god. I got it.
I got it.

Yeah, bring it on up,
bring it on up.
[woman grunting]

Are you happy?

So happy.

Have a great day, cheers.

Great day.

Ah, I've got to sterilize
my whole body, ugh.

[cracking]

People of the street,

I am going to put
my coffee cup,

which is non-recyclable,

even though it's
made of paper

in the garbage,

and my lid,

my red plastic lid
in the recycling,

and I hope that that
is acceptable to all,

speak now or forever
hold your peace!

Garbage, oh god.

Recycling.

Oh my god, wasps!

I'm allergic.

No, really planet? Really?

Ow, I just wanted to recycle.

I just wanted-

Man:
Ah, no, man, look at this it's
going to break the machine.

God, when are people going
to learn how to recycle?

She clearly belongs
in organics.

Ah man.

Oh, I gotta go
to the bathroom.

Ugh, ahem,

I just have to
use the washroom,

if you could excuse me.

I just have to-

[chiming]

Well I'm in a pickle.

Ha.

I just, I have to
use the washroom.

Oh yeah, she's been passed
out for a long time.

For a little while.

Yeah, don't want to
wake someone up.

Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of rude.

Co-Pilot:
The Captain has turned
on the seat belt sign,

please take your seats-

Nancy:
1-2-2, I don't have to poo,

1-2-3, I don't have to pee.

Excuse me, I have to use
the washroom, please.

5-6-7-8, you don't
got to menstruate.

I have a lot going on.

Down there.
-Oh I'm sorry.

It's just that time
of the month and-

everything goes.

I find when you
have your period,

all of a sudden
you have diarrhea.

Cacaaaa! Cacaaaa!

Excuse me.
-Yes?

Sorry, could you-could you
just keep it down a little?

Well we all have our problems,

I might shit my tights so.

Excuse me.

Babababababababa.

Hi, my name's Nancy,

I have to go to the bathroom,

I think I might have
diarrhea, please.

[chiming]

Excuse me, hi.

She just said that
she wanted a coffee,

so if I were you,

I'd wake her up and make
her a coffee right now,

like bingo bongo.

You know ma'am, I
cannot help but notice

that your seatbelt
is not on,

but the Captain has put
on the seatbelt sign.

I need you to take
the seatbelt,

put it very tightly
right across this
area of your lap.

Can I get you a tea,
coffee, liquid?

How much longer do you think?

Probably five hours.
-Five hours.

I mean, with turbulence,
you're looking at six.

Hello, bonjour.
-Bonjour.

Hi.
-Hello.

Okay, so I have a
little problem,

once already I've
asked you so polite

to sit in your seat,

but now I find you sitting
on this woman's head.

Do you want the police to
arrest you when you come home?

Right, okay, there we go.

Thank you.

Little missy moo moo,
likes a chocolate pudding.

Hello, hello, miss pudding,

hello pudding.

Oh my good gosh,

this is what is happening
here is pretty intense.

[chiming]

Nancy:
What do you think you're doing?

You push that button you
know what's going to happen?

Pbbbbbbbst, everywhere.

[chiming]Don't you touch that god
damn flight attendant,

do you hear me?

I'll take a piss right
now on your shoulder.

[playful instrumental]

Hey, hey. Act like
you're asleep everybody,

act like you're asleep.

Everybody, act like
you're asleep.

No one is getting
arrested today.

Flight Attendant: Excusez moi?
-Yes?

Excusez moi, would you
like some more pudding?

Oh no I'm okay.
Thank you so much.

Okay, go back to sleep.
-Ah, wait, no please, ma'am.

I have to use.

Look away, look away.

Look away, look away!

Did you just shit in a sock?

Yes.

Okay.

I think I'm going to
use the washroom.

[dramatic instrumental]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[cheering]
Happy pride.

Happy pride.

[cheering]

Happy pride.

Happy pride.

Woman:
Happy pride Sinead!

Happy pride Sinead.

She said hummus.

Carolyn:
Oh, she said hummus.

I love her, she's so cool,
you have such a cool baby.

Yeah, so cool.

Meredith:
You know, even though
she's pre-verbal,

I feel like I know what she
would say, do you know?

I don't know what you mean,
but I still think she's so cool.

Ah, so cool.
Like such a cool baby.

She's Sinead.

She's Sinead, so yeah.

Meredith:
Yeah, yeah.

Aurora:
When I, uh, when
I had Jennifer,

I also had that same
burst of love and

connection with
another person,

and, you know, just wanting
to do everything for her,

and I would have
brought her today,

but, um, I-I
thought no kids?

Of course there's no kids,
it's a party.

Exactly.
-Yeah.

Except for you Sinead, right.

She's so cool.
She's so cool.

I mean, it's-it's
just so expensive

to get a sitter during pride,

but I did it, uh, you know,

because who brings a
kid to a party, right.

Exactly.
-Exactly.

Pass Sinead around,
let her mingle.

[in unison] Yeah, mingle!

Aurora:
Is she going to be okay?

Is she okay with strangers?

Carolyn:
It's amazing like how
chill she is though.

Like, weren't you like,

didn't you bring her to
your DJ gig last night or?

You took her to a DJ gig?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

she's up then anyway,
so why wouldn't I?

Of course I'm taking her.
-Yeah.

Wow, I-I-I could never
do that with Jennifer.

Carolyn:
Well, yeah, fair enough,

I mean, Jennifer is Jennifer,
you know, like-

I mean, Sinead's Sinead and

Jennifer is,
you know, Jennifer.

I mean, Jennifer is great.

Yeah, but maybe just not
the best at a party.

Yeah, totally.

There it is, there it is.
-Yeah, I mean,

if I'd known that this was a
party we could bring kids to I-

It's not a kid party.
That's all it is.

But anyway, let's talk
more about Sinead.

I'd love to, yeah.

Is she eating?
Is she a good sleeper?

She's a wonderful sleeper.

I mean, five lines
into the Bell Jar

and she's just out
like male privilege.

[chuckling]

Are you following
her on Instagram?

Oh yeah, of course,
yeah absolutely.

It's at, um,
Sinead of Honour.

Sinead of Honour.

Woman:
She's an influencer.

Can I get a selfie with her?

Yeah for sure, go ahead.

I want one too.

[phones clicking]
[cheering]

She's so good.

I'm photo bombing myself.

Hey, check this out,

I-I-I put a photo of
Jennifer on Facebook,

she's, she's eating spaghetti.

Oh yeah.
Oh neat.

Let's talk about
this bruschetta.

Meredith:
It's delicious.

Woman:
Could I get a selfie
with the bruschetta?

Yeah, yeah.

Bruschetta, it's great.
[phone clicking]

Oh my god.

I think Jennifer is getting in
the shot of the bruschetta.

I'm sorry, can you just
move your phone a little?

I'm sorry.
-Okay, great, thanks.

Woman:
No babies at this party.

Yeah.

Well, listen folks,

I think we are in
excellent shape.

Seeing as it's Friday,

how 'bout we all just, uh,

kick out of here a little
early, sound good?

Great.
-Great work everybody.

Peace out.
[high scream]

Can you take this one to go?
-Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll
see you in September,

have a great summer.

What's that?

You going somewhere?

No it's June 30th, it's
time for summer vacation.

Oh before I forget,

will you sign my day timer?

Yeah, we don't,

we don't have summer
vacations here,

this is your job.

What?

You work through summer?

But what am I supposed
to look forward to?

Retirement.

Death.

Oh, you know I had to
replace my furnace

and I got a little bit of a
rebate on it, so that was nice.

Yeah.

White Sweater:
Alright, well, see ya Monday.

Jennifer:
See ya Monday.

Every Monday.

So, wait, so am I not going
back to summer camp this year?

'Cause I bought all
those juice crystals.

Okay, here we go,

so I got my results back
from the blood sample

I sent in to one of
those DNA sites.

Oh yeah.
-Ready?

[brrrriiinnggg]

I am 32% German,
68% Swiss.

[in unison] Whoa!

That's cool, yeah.

You know I did that too.

I sent my spit in to
one of those websites,

and it turns out
I'm 16% Irish,

and 18% Hungarian,

and the rest is Italian.

That's neat.
-Oh, cool.

I did it and I
found out, guys,

I found out I'm 75% French.

I don't even speak French.

[in unison] Whoa!
-You're blowing my mind!

You're blowing my mind!

What about you Shana?

Oh, uh, I sent mine in and
I found out that I'm, um,

let's see here,
uh, 92% dumbass

for sending a DNA sample
to a random website

that now has full copyright
and unregulated, um,

access to my genetic code
for the rest of time.

And like, 8% Spanish.

[overlapping dialogue]

Tapas!
-Not bad.

Majorca.

It's dangerous though,
like what we're doing.

Salamenca.
-Salamenca, that's a nice word.

You don't care that they
can copyright your-

Croquette, is that a--Okay, you didn't
read the small print?

It's delicious.

Barcelona.
-Barcelona.

Are you guys, totally?
No, it's fine.

Ooh, what happened to you
after drinks last night?

Did you and Matt
finally hook up?

Eww, no, he's got that
grey tooth, remember?

Yeah, gross tooth Matt, ew.

So what did you do?

I went home and watched
RuPaul's Drag Race.

Drag race. Girl!
-No.

Do you remember that
summer we had Evan,

that fun gay intern who used
to call you like a hot slut,

and then judge your shoes?

Yes, I loved Evan.

Yes except it's like
a show full of Evans

except there's like a runway-

Enough, you had me at Evan.

Okay, I'm going to
write this down.

Okay.
-Roo, R-o-o-

No, R-u.
-Am I what?

No, it's R-u like-
-R-u, yes.

Hey girl!

Yes, queen!

Oh.

Wow, so you liked it?

Hunty.
-Okay.

I just need to thank
you for bringing RuPaul

and her fierce queens
of drag into my life!

I cannot believe I waited this
long to step my pussy up.

Oh.
-Mhm.

Sure.
[funky dance music]

♪ Move your body

I got work to do.

♪ Move your body

Girl, you better lip synch
for your life!

Oh my god, she dropped
right off the top.

Unbelievable, work
your butt girl.

So as you can see,

next quarter our profits will-

Drop!

[rhythmic dance music]

♪ Move your body

Please do not come for me,
unless I send for you Tara!

[clucks]

It has come to our attention

that you haven't come
into work for two weeks.

Yes, I was sick.

No, no you called in,
uh, sickening Heather.

All the while tweeting
about something called, uh,

All Stars 3.

Shangela was robbed.

Did you tell Martin in
accounting to sissy that walk?

Mhm, and it was a compliment,

and he should take it with
a little side of gratitude.

Wait.

[suspenseful instrumental]

Jan, are you telling me you
want me to sashay away?

No no no, we are not
terminating you.

Oh, hallelu.

But I do need you to read
and sign this letter

confirming that you will take

mandatory cultural
sensitivity training,

and that you
acknowledge and accept

that you are very much a
straight white middle-aged woman

from the suburbs.

Hissss.
- Nope.

You own nine Josh Groban
Christmas albums.

[sighs]

Fine.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[dramatic instrumental]

Naomi:
I-I did it!

I just heard.
-Did you?

Jennifer:
It's amazing! Congratulations!

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

I can't believe it.
-I'm so excited!

What? What!

Oh my god, new planet.
-No.

New galaxy?
-Bigger.

Alien life form!?
-Nhm nhm.

What?

Naomi got eight hours of sleep!

What??

Naomi!

Congratulations!

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

Stop it! You, you bitch!

Sleep!
-Sleep!

Sleep.
-Yes.

You're in your 40s.
-I am!

Yes!

[in unison] Sleep, Sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep!

How did you do it?
-Uh, it's okay.

Was it magnesium?
-No.

Do you have children?
-No.

Fuck.

[rolling thunder]

[dramatic instrumental]

My dearest Emily,
wherever have you been?

Oh Charlotte.

Dearest Anne,

I was just having a quick
brood on the moors,

and, you know, before tea.

Upon what were you
brooding dear sister?

Ah, the dark and
mysterious Mr. Rothersby.

Yesterday he kissed me
in a darkened hallway,

and then he called me by
his dead sister's name.

Oh.

My Lord Chesterton is also
wonderfully troubled.

Lately, whenever I
walk into a room,

he stares at me with ferocious
intensity for several minutes,

then retires to the east
wing to break furniture.

Anne:
Oh, that is true
love dear sister.

My Heathcrest, well he
came to my room last night

and kissed me passionately,

and then he started screaming
incoherently about-

[in unison] A most
terrible secret!

Yes.

Oh darlings,

isn't love the best?

Yes.

[cackling]

[screaming]

Fooools!

[screaming]

Emily:
What are you?

Who could she possibly be?

Get away!

I am-

Mrs. Rothersby.

I'm sorry, who?

Uh, Mr. Rothersby's
mad wife.

No doesn't really-

Big village gossip.

Not us.
-Don't know, sorry.

Oh for god sakes,
I'm the terrible secret.

[screaming]

Oh no.

Yes thank you, thank you,
was that so hard?

How can Mr. Rothersby
have a wife

when he's in love with Emily?

[cackling]

In love?
-Yes.

With her?
-Yes.

Last week he called her
an uncomely governess,

said she bewitched him and
broke all the mirrors.

He's so sweet.

Mrs. Rothersby:
That's not love you fool,
that's toxic.

Toxic?

Well what would you
know about love?

You're mad.

Do you think I was
always like this?

I don't know you. I don't-

Mrs. Rothersby: No.
-Okay.

Love did this to me.
-Oh.

Mrs. Rothersby:
Let me tell you a
little something,

bad boys are not romantic,
they're emotional fuck wits,

and they will drive
you literally insane,

like locked in an attic,

don't know when it's daytime,

whispering to dolls, mad.

Wow.
-No. That can't be true.

Lord Chesterton loves me.

Why he almost told me
so just last week.

Almost?

Well yes, he was about to say
it then he began growling,

and he put his fist through
his mother's portrait,

and then he rode off
on an unsaddled horse

right into the
middle of a storm.

[sighs]
[rolling thunder]

And this man is
your employer?

I am governess to his feral
deaf mute daughter, yes.

Mrs. Rothersby:
Oh my god, go, go,

get out of the village,

go meet someone
your own age.

Don't know, just the
brooding on the moors

it's sort of like,
it's our thing.

Mrs. Rothersby:
Holy fuck!

I like to brood.

Oh the curtain!

Yes, get out!

Go to London,

start a ladies magazine,
whatever, good luck.

Ah, well, another room torched.

Cecilia!

I have never seen
you like this.

Oh ho ho, oh now
you want a piece?

This? This is what you like?

Maybe.
-Oh.

Oh yes.

God you're plain.

My god!

It gets me every time.

Oh yes, passion.

Passion, oooh,
don't look though,

don't look at me.
-Oh. Oh.

Oh! Oh, you know what,

alright that kind
of works for me.

[grunts]

Okay, get out,
you're done.