All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E12.Surprise.Party.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-QOQ

Nope. Nope.

- Hmm?
- Nope. Nope.

No. No. No.

Kids, just came in to remind
you to keep Saturday open.

What's Saturday?

What's Saturday?
It's your mother's birthday.

No, her birthday is
the second weekend in May.

That's Mother's Day, honey.

I don't think so.

I just don't think that this is the
year to be doing something big.

Oh, why? Because we're here,
in this town?

All the more reason
to do something.

Um, I actually
agree with David.

Um, plus, I'm gonna be
in Chicago this weekend.

- You're what?
- Ted's taking me.

We've been planning this
for a super long time, so...

Well, can I come?

- No.
- Okay, here's a news flash for both of you.

You're not going anywhere

and we're planning a surprise
party for your mother.

No. That's not...
That's not a good idea.

That's not a good idea?

Where would you even throw a
party like that in this town?

I don't know.
I haven't thought that through yet.

Maybe Roland's house.

Listen to the words
coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.

- What? No!
- Oh, snap, David!

Talk to the hand, son,
because the ears are no longer working.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, that's not at all how that works, so...

Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the
travel agent is out of the office.

It's so uncomfortable

- when he does stuff like that.
- No. Absolutely not.

I feel so weird about it.

And on Saturday,
we have the afternoon off,

so I booked us a Chicago's
Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour.

Oh, my God.

Well, that's probably gonna have to change,
but what else did you book for us?

Um, well, we're staying at the Clarendon
Executive Suites and Apartments downtown.

- Oh, my God. Does that mean room service?
- Got upgraded.

- Yeah.
- Babe!

- Hi!
- Hey.

Had an idea for Mom's stupid
surprise party thing.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- What if we told her that it was a fundraiser?

- She'd have to say yes, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause she'd have to come then, right?
- Totally, totally, yeah.

- She loves the fundraisers and...
- She loves them.

Wait. When's the big party?

It's this Saturday.

Alexis, did you not tell Ted
about your change of plans?

- David, I told you that I couldn't come to that.
- It's this Saturday?

Yeah. But, David, I did tell you that
I won't be able to attend, so...

Well, Lex, I mean, you can't miss
your own mother's surprise party.

I am with Ted on this one.

But, babe, you're going to a veterinary
conference in a Chicago suburb,

and I think that's...
That's really important for us.

Yeah, I know.
Here's just the thing about our mom,

she'll be really devastated
if Alexis doesn't come,

and I'm sure you're from
a really solid home and...

- David.
- ...understand.

I'm gonna slap you
in the face.

Um, but babe, what about the...
The traveling pizza tour that was so...

Yeah, I'm also gonna need
you to ask Mutt for the barn

'cause I'm thinking
of heading in that sort of

aesthetic direction
for the party.

Um, and I know that you guys have a
close working relationship, so...

No. No.

Sweetie, there will be
other conferences.

I really think that you
need to be here for this.

Me too.

David, you and Mom
literally ruin my life.

Roland!

Hey! Johnny Rose!

- How are you?
- I'm good!

- Good.
- Listen. Need a big favor.

- Sure.
- Saturday is Moira's birthday

- and we want to throw her a surprise party.
- Oh!

So, we need an excuse to get her all
dressed up and out of the house.

Well, dinner at our place.
Problem solved.

Well, tempting, but it's gotta
be something fancy and elegant.

You know, black tie.

So, we're thinking maybe Jocelyn is
throwing her "annual charity fundraiser."

She hasn't mentioned
anything to me about it.

Why would she mention it?

Well, Johnny, uh,
if she's planning a fundraiser,

I think Jocelyn would mention
something about it to her husband.

It's not a real
fundraiser, Roland.

It's just a pretend fundraiser
to get Moira out of the house.

You see, I could tell her
about it myself,

but she would catch on because it falls
on the same night as her birthday.

So, she's gotta hear
about the fundraiser

from someone who doesn't know
it's her birthday.

Okay, so then you want me to
find somebody who doesn't know.

No. I want you to tell her.

But that doesn't
make any sense.

I know it's her birthday.

You only know it's her birthday because
I just told you it's her birthday.

Moira doesn't know
you know it's her birthday.

- I won't tell her.
- Why would you tell her?

I won't tell her is what I'm
saying to you.

I won't tell her,
so don't worry about it.

Okay, but now I am worried.
I am worried now.

Look, I'm taking Moira
out for coffees.

We're going up to the cafe,
okay, this afternoon.

Uh-huh.

And that would be a great time

for you to stop by and drop the
information about the fundraiser.

Tell me you
understand the plan.

Yes, Johnny,
I understand the plan!

Jeez! And I don't appreciate
being talked to like a child!

- Okay, I'm sorry. Roland.
- Well, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. Look. I'm sorry.
- It's a little demeaning.

It's just so important.
This is really important.

I want to make sure you
understand the plan.

- Okay! I understand, all right?
- Okay.

I just think it's awfully short notice
to start planning a fundraiser.

There is no fundraiser!

Right. No fundraiser.

It's pretend!

Pretend. It's fun time.

So, I am gonna
need a lift to Elmdale.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I don't know, nothing?

I'm working.

- Oh, you are?
- Yes.

I have a job that I can't just
leave to drive you to Elmdale.

Okay. Yeah, and I
totally respect that.

It's just that I found
a ganache torte in Elmdale

and I really need to pick it up
before my mom's birthday thing, so...

I work until 6:00.

Okay, but, like, is anyone
checking in this afternoon?

- It's a cake.
- It's a torte.

Um, is there something
going on?

You could always
just hitchhike.

And wake up chained to a pole
in a trucker's basement?

- Not today.
- Well, I'm working at my job,

so I can't just up and leave
because you want cake.

Okay. Well, when you
put it like that,

it makes me
sound ridiculous, um,

which I'm not.

So, thank you...

...for your services
this afternoon.

Hey. Hey.
Sorry I'm late, Johnny.

- Had a little memorizing to do.
- Late for what, Roland?

I don't know what you mean.

For Jocelyn's big shindig.

I'm here to personally
invite the two of you

to a annual...

Elegant dress-up event
that Jocelyn is hosting.

Well, no, I'm not
inviting you,

but I'm saying we're...

We'll see each other there.

- At the very big event that Jocelyn is hosting.
- Mm-hmm.

The whole town
will go to this event.

They'll all be
dressed up and...

Did I... Did I say that
it's a fundraiser?

Oh, sorry, Johnny.
Let me start over here.

Why are you apologizing to me?

You don't have to
apologize to me.

No, no. It's a fundraiser for the
thing with the children that...

The... With the mouth...
Cleft palates.

And Joc' does it every year...

Well, Roland, you know what?

We're probably just gonna be hanging
around the motel on Saturday, you know.

Yeah, no, I'm sure.

It's hard to look at those kids and all that,
I get it.

But you know what?
We'll dress them up, too.

- It's gonna be...
- Put us down for four tickets.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

It's the least we can do to support
Jocelyn's philanthropic endeavors.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sure Jocelyn would
really appreciate it.

Well, listen, thank you,
Roland, for that.

You're welcome.
I think that went well.

Okay, thank you.

Okay. So, I guess I'll see you
soon then, Johnny.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Yes, goodbye, Johnny.

Oh, sorry!

Could you be
going any faster?

Well, we should
put that up quick.

Um, so, we're planning this surprise party
for my mom that's totally not gonna work

and I'm supposed to ask you
if we can borrow your barn.

But if you can't take the night off from
bedding women, I totally understand.

Well, who says
I can't do both?

You had a bug in your hair.

Oh. Ew!

Jocelyn!

Moira, hi!

Jocelyn, I'm so glad
I've run into you.

Roland was mentioning your fundraiser
earlier today and it got me thinking.

- My what?
- Your annual fundraiser

for the children
with troubled mouths.

Oh, right. Yes.

It's gonna be quite a night.

I hope so, 'cause I'd
like to be involved.

- With?
- Your fundraiser.

As I'm sure you know,

I was on the board of some of
the most profitable non-profits,

from San Francisco to London.

And after speaking with Roland,
I realized I was remiss

not to gift you with
my wealth of experience.

Wow! That's very generous
of you, Moira.

I was gonna ask you,
but I didn't want to impose.

Jocelyn, you must stop
being intimidated by me.

It's unnerving.

- Sorry.
- No, it's fine. Just say thank you.

- Thank you?
- There you go!

My pleasure.

Oh, fuck!

What do you mean
you didn't get the cake?

The only chocolate ganache cake
I could find was in Elmdale,

and I asked Stevie to drive me
but she said no,

because I think she's going
through something right now.

I don't know.
Something with her body.

David, I need you.

I was speaking to Jocelyn about this
fundraiser she's apparently organizing...

Whoa, whoa, you were
talking to Jocelyn?

Yes, about the fundraiser,

and the poor thing looked like a
deer caught in the headlights.

And I cannot stand by

and watch this woman drive a perfectly
worthy cause into the ground.

So, David, you and I,
we're gonna help her.

Okay.

I asked you to get her
invited to the fundraiser,

not involved in
the fundraiser.

The fundraiser was your idea.

You didn't think your mother would get
involved in planning a fundraiser?

My God, she had Hillary shaking last
year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.

God! Roland.

- Roland. Stupid Roland.
- Roland?

How did Roland
get involved in this?

I got him involved,
it was a bad mistake, okay?

But look, it'll be fine.
I will get the cake with your sister.

All you've gotta do is keep
your mother under control.

The North Korean army could not
keep my mother under control

when it comes
to event planning.

What? Huh?

Oh!

How long was I sleeping?

I don't know, like 45 maybe.

Oh?

Where are we?

We're almost there.

The last sign I saw said,
"Exit Elmdale," so...

I haven't seen it yet,
but we should be getting there soon.

The last sign said,
"Exit Elmdale?"

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that was the
exit to Elmdale.

We've gone too far,
we've gotta turn back!

- But you were sleeping!
- Well, wake me up!

No! Because you're so grumpy
when you wake...

Like, you're grumpy right now.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Well, Moira, in regards
to the decorations,

David was kind enough
to offer me

an incredibly long list of
the things to stay away from.

Darling, one does not just stick a
red nose on it and call it an event.

There is an order
to these things.

Okay, here we go.

Again, what is the
organization that it's for?

- The surgeons...
- The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths.

Never heard of it.
And who are the trustees?

I don't think
they're gonna come.

Oh, how very churlish of them.

How much are tickets?

- Um, free?
- We haven't figured out the ticket price yet.

I'm not paying for this thing.

Oh, my God! Do you people know
what the word fundraising means?

Why don't you
leave that up to us?

Jocelyn,
I need your timeline and your checklist.

Your plan book.

Well, we have a plan.
It's just we haven't...

You know, we're just,
we're still working...

Listen, Jocelyn is doing
the best that she can,

considering what little
Jocelyn has to work with.

David, personal comments
are in bad taste.

Okay, I'm trying to make sense
of these flowers.

What is wrong
with the flowers?

They're seasonal and they

tie in all of the other design elements
that Jocelyn has come up with.

David, I'm sorry,
but it's coup d'etat time.

If we don't force Jocelyn
to step down this moment,

I don't know how we're gonna
pull off this nightmare.

Why don't you just
sit this one out then?

And you are?

So, David?

I see.
Clearly you don't need

the help of the most prominent
philanthropist in the country.

No.

Fine.
I wish you all the best.

No, seriously, I might leave.

Okay, last warning. In three.

Two.

Oh, my God.

Well, I think she is gonna be
really surprised.

Don't you?

...$9.99.

And I'm telling you,
you can't go wrong.

You go into a jewelry store,
you're gonna spend thousands.

We have made it so simple...

Oh, David, I don't know how you
don't go mad with those people.

Well, those people are putting a lot of
energy into raising money for those kids.

Jump ship. Save yourself.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put
some pieces together here for me.

We are throwing a fundraiser

that just so happens to be on
the same night as your birthday.

Must you rub it in?

We're throwing a "fundraiser"
on your birthday.

Now you're just being cruel.

The fundraiser isn't real.
It's not a real thing.

Oh!

You're planning
a birthday thing

that I'm not supposed
to know about.

Mmm-mmm.

In a barn?

We can't afford the candles.
They're $2.49.

They don't just come
with the cake?

No, apparently not.

Like matches when
you buy cigarettes?

You smoke?

Um...

No.

Can't we just ask them
to give them to us?

This is not some
co-op commune, Alexis.

You know, if there's a price tag on it,
you got to pay for it.

Not if you just take them.

Well, that would be low-bottom behavior,
wouldn't it?

Okay, well, how do you think I got
these glasses from the gas station?

You stole sunglasses?

Yeah! It's a gas station.

Oh, my God, I raised a thief.
Go wait in the car!

Wait in the car
while I pay for this.

- Hi.
- Hi. Johnny Rose.

I ordered a birthday cake.

- Yeah, chocolate ganache?
- That's right.

Boy, it smells, uh,

so delicious in here.

- Thank you.
- There we go, my dear.

Wait, wait, wait.
One last check.

Gorgeous. Perfection.

Like your father
the day I married him.

Look at us,

the Roses,
attending this town's

most illustrious
fundraising gala.

I think you're
overselling it just a bit.

Well, I don't see any stragglers,
so shall we go in?

I think we're
fashionably late enough.

There's nothing fashionable
about this, but...

After you, my dear.

Where are all the patrons?

Well, I don't know.

Do we have the wrong night?

Surprise!

What! There's no fundraiser?

You're just here
to celebrate me?

Oh, never in the
history of surprises

has one been so
delightfully blindsided.

Darling.

Okay, who told her?

Oh, hi.

- So, your party's a big success?
- Hmm.

Congratulations.

Yeah, thank you.

Your mom sure
seemed surprised.

Yeah, my mom
was very surprised.

And you got your cake.

Yeah, remember this cake?
I'd asked you to help me get it.

Yeah, so I need to apologize
for my behavior earlier.

Mmm-hmm.

- I think it's just that this whole friend...
- It's that lady time, huh?

Friend thing

is proving to be a bit tricky

and I think that in
building that barrier up,

I may have built it
a little high.

Okay. Um...

Well, if the barrier's come down,
can two friends dance?

Is that okay?

Uh, I normally only slow dance
with strangers, at bars...

- Right.
- ...after I've had a few...

Uh-huh.

But, um, I can make
an exception.

Okay.

- Let's dance.
- Okay.

Hey!

Um...

You look really amazing.

Well, I didn't wanna be the
only one not wearing a suit.

Um, did you have to
kill a man to get it, or...

I did.

It took me a couple
to find one in my size.

But you clean up well.

Ugh! Barely.

I wore this thing to prom,
like, 1,000 years ago,

but it did bring me some luck that night,
so I wore it here tonight.

You were planning
on getting lucky tonight?

So, where is Ted exactly?

Um...

He is at...

Like a conference
or something tonight, so...

Do you wanna dance?

Yes.

I do.

Alexis!

- Ted!
- Hey!

What're you
doing here?

Well, I had someone take my last seminar.
I didn't wanna miss this.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Come on, let's dance.

Great suit, bud.

Thanks.

Babe,
I thought you had that...

Killed somebody for it.

I love my party, John.

But please
don't ever do it again.

Well, the surprise was on me

- 'cause this town cleaned itself up pretty well.
- Mmm-hmm.

What?