All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E11.Little.Sister.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-QOQ

Ahhh!

- Fuck me. Fuck me.
- What?

- Fuck me!
- What?

- John, there's something in the bed!
- What?

Something crawled up my leg
and I can't see it!

- What?
- I can't see it!

- A spider?
- No! Something invisible like

lice or scabies or
bed bugs!

Oh, we don't have bed bugs.

Oh, John, I can't afford
to burn all my clothes.

Oh, Moira, relax.

Just relax.
If we had lice, I'd have lice.

Guess who?

Dee Dee!

- Hi, Momo.
- What the hell?

I'm sorry.
I know I should've called, but, um,

I just thought it'd be really
fun to come see my older sister

in her new digs.

You know, a little visit.

Oh. Um...

Do you really have lice?
I'd hate to contract

lice.

So, Dee Dee, you are, uh,

looking well.

Seaweed facials.
I get one every week.

But enough about me,
I wanna talk about you guys.

Oh.

I want you to know that I really
wanted to come and visit you

when I heard
about your life collapsing,

but I got this really big
job promotion that week

and things got, you know,
kind of crazy.

Plus, we haven't really seen
much of each other recently.

Yes, well, we've had
kind of a hectic year.

Well, thank goodness
for the Internet.

Seemed to be the only thing letting
me know you two were still alive.

Telephone is also amazing.

You just push the buttons
and say,

"Hi, it's me,
your deadbeat sister."

Well, it's a treat seeing
you two going at it again.

Kids!

Come in and say hi
to your Aunt Dee Dee.

Better hurry before she
disappears for another decade.

Ohhh! Oh!

What?

Look at you guys.
You've grown.

Why did I think
that you were dead?

Ah, you're so sweet.

Now, how long has it been
since we've seen each other?

I think you crashed
one of my pool parties

with some guy you were calling
"Uncle Julio."

Oh!

I remember that.

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay?
Buy yourself something nice.

- $100?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. I missed you.
- Oh, my goodness. Wow.

I missed you so much.
I missed you so much.

Oh, gosh, look at them.
They are sweet kids.

I don't know what you were
so worried about, Moira.

Dee Dee,
what are you doing here?

Are you staying here at the motel?
Can I get you a room?

No. God, no.

No, I mean...

No, I booked myself
into a junior suite

at the Comfort Inn
in Elmdale, thank you.

This is very darling.
It's just, it doesn't have a gym

and I'm kind of in the best
shape of my life right now,

and I kind of wanna keep it
that way.

Okay.

Okay, so you're saying that I
would be as in shape as you are

if I just fixed lights
all day?

Pretty much. Well,

a few pull-ups here and there.

Okay, so you do work out.

You are such a liar.

Oh.

Wow. Did Stevie say something
funny or...

- Grant, this is David Rose.
- Hi.

- He's one of our permanent guests here.
- Don't say that, again.

- Grant does repairs around here.
- Oh, great.

He was also just trying to
tell me that he got that body

from just being a handyman.

Well, isn't Grant just a big,
fat liar.

Um...

I gotta grab
the right Marrette, so.

My head is all over the place.
She keeps distracting me.

Yeah.

Wow. He is wearing
a tight shirt.

So, is he gonna do
some repairs on your...

On your undies?

Who's to say
he hasn't already?

Wow. Great.

Why? Is that a problem
for you?

No. No. Do you.

Do him. Do both.

- Do things. Yeah.
- Great. I think I might.

Good. Jump in.

So...

We should probably
establish some boundaries

about this whole
friends-with-benefits thing.

Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that.

Let's, uh,
let's put up some boundaries

for the infrequent benefits
that our friendship has.

I think that's really good.

Can we do that
after you screw Mr. Fix-it,

or would you like
to do it now?

Let's throw
some boundaries up.

Okay.

Hey, Twyla.

Twyla.

Twyla?

I'm so sorry.
I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.

That's okay. Your mom did the
same thing to me this morning.

- Okay.
- What can I get you guys?

Just coffees. Thanks.

So what's going on over there?

I'm just working on something.
Just a little thing for Mutt.

Oh. Is it his birthday
or something?

No. My dad always said,
"When in doubt, say it with a song."

He was a roadie
with Fleetwood Mac

and that was the last thing
Mick Fleetwood said to him

before the band hit him
with a restraining order.

So you're writing a song
for Mutt, then?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Cute. So what, is it about

your feelings,
or is it love and... What?

Are we shooting a Dateline
investigative report?

No, we're not.
I'm just looking out for my friend.

Um...

Honestly, Twy,

ixnay on the ongsay.

Because I tried it once

and the guy ripped the guitar
out of my hands

and he just started
smashing it on the ground.

Granted, I am tone deaf
and he was a...

He was a super
angry Marine, but...

Just let the girl
write her boyfriend a song.

Okay, I know.
And I'm all for it, I'm all for it.

I just think it's...
I think it's a super big mistake.

David!

Jocelyn. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Uh, that depends.

How shall I put this?

You strike me as the sort of person
that had a hard time in high school.

Thank you.

Your floral top, for instance.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Well, there's a new kid in my school and
he's having a little trouble fitting in.

Mm-hmm.

He's also struggling
with his sexuality,

which I think
that you may be also...

What can I
help you with, Jocelyn?

Well, I was thinking,
wouldn't it be wonderful

if you could come down
to the school,

you know, maybe talk to him and tell
him that things only get better.

The idea of me life coaching
another human being

should scare you.

A lot. I don't...

I knew there was a good person
in there somewhere, David.

Oh, and, honey,

get the quilted,
that other stuff will chafe you right up.

So, this is weird.

Um, today marks the longest relationship
that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.

Voluntarily?

Yeah. The actual longest
relationship was, um,

a three-month affair
with a Saudi prince,

but for the last two months
of that,

I was trapped in his palace
trying to get to an embassy.

Um, so, hey. How is it going
with you and Twyla?

You guys are looking cute.

Uh...

I don't know.

Why? What's going on?

I don't know.
It... It's nothing. It's fine.

Okay, if my boyfriend ever described
our relationship as "fine,"

- I think I would literally...
- It's just...

- It feels like it's run its course.
- What?

And I think we've both
known it for a while now.

Oh.

Oh, give me a break.

How did you find me?

Well, where else
is there to go?

And Johnny may have told me.

Thank you, Johnny.

Moira, why are you making this
so difficult for me?

Oh. Where do I start?

Uh, you know,
I think it's best we don't go there.

No, I'd like to go there.
Please, take me.

$50,000.
Does that sound familiar?

- Yes. You gave that to me as a down payment...
- No, loaned it.

You gave it to me as a down payment
for my Buffalonian town house.

We handed you the money
and you said...

- Thank you?
- Ugh. Too late.

Well, Moira,

considering you had over
$500 million in the bank,

I'm a little personally offended
that I didn't get more.

Go away, Dee Dee.

No. No.

Not till I do
what I came here to do.

Didn't want to hurt
your feelings, but I forgot.

- You don't have feelings.
- Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

Yes, yes.
I am paying you back.

It's not everything,
but it's a start.

So walk me through this, she offered
you a check and you turned it down?

She was insulting us.

Moira, the woman dates
dive-bar owners, okay?

Let her insult us.

Well, I don't know whether you've noticed,
but we could use the money.

You talk about bed bugs?

That check could pay
for fumigation.

Better yet, we could move to a
place that doesn't have bed bugs.

I don't want her money.
I want our money. She owes us.

We loaned her $50,000.

- We gave her $50,000,
- Oh.

and you spent more than that
on wigs that year.

I don't see anyone else
lining up to give us checks.

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking her side,
but she's offering us a way out

and you're letting your pride
get in the way.

It's all I have left,
John, literally.

Swallow it, Moira.

- I can't!
- Yes, you can.

And then we can buy a case of
champagne to wash it down with.

So, you and Grant.

How are things going?

Uh, well, he asked me out for dinner tonight,
so we're gonna do that.

We're gonna go for dinner,
Grant and I.

Yeah. Yeah, that's...

Well, he seems like a really,
like, respectable guy.

Like one of those guys
that has like a

candy bowl of condoms on his
bedside table or something.

Oh, I hope so.
Wonder what color I'll get.

Yeah.

So, I am mentoring
a teen in crisis, later.

That's what I'm doing.
One of Jocelyn's students, so.

He's being bullied because he's different,
so I'm helping to change his life.

- Giving back. So, yeah.
- Wow.

And on a scale of one to 10,
how much are you looking forward to that?

Three point five. I'm gonna leave
you be because it's not every day

you get to go on a date with a guy
who owns a windowless van, so that...

Oh, Grant.

Hi.

Hey.

What're you doing?
You checking out porn again?

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

Um... Warmest regards
to you both.

Best wishes.

Such a weird dude.

Yes. Yes, he is.

You must be Connor.

Yeah.

I don't know how much
Mrs. Schitt has told you,

but she's asked me to come in
and have a chat.

She thinks that since
we're both new here,

it might be worth talking about some
things like, you know, fitting in.

Apparently you're having
trouble fitting in.

Who are you?

Uh, my name is David.

Are you like a doctor, or something?
A psychologist?

Am I what? Uh, no.

So why would I talk to you?

I don't know.

Because your teacher is concerned
that you're having trouble adjusting.

So she told you to come here
and, what, help me?

Look at you.
Look at your pants.

Excuse me.
I am sensing a tinge of disrespect here.

Let me tell you
what my problem is.

I'm a 16-year-old gay kid living in
a town that makes me wanna throw up.

The issue isn't me not fitting in.
It's me not wanting to fit in.

Is there anything else
you wanna help me with?

No.

Go ahead and order whatever you want.
This is on us.

Oh.

They're letting you run up
a long tab, are they?

You see?

Well, I hear the pork
is very good here.

The ribs, the chops,
the roast.

Nothing for me, thanks.

Well, isn't that funny because
Moira doesn't eat here, either.

But I will be eating and I just don't know
whether to have the ribs or the chops,

but I'm definitely
ordering pork.

If you mention pork
one more time...

Moira, um, don't you have something
you wanna say to your sister?

No.

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.

I'm pretty sure I don't.

Thank you for trying,
Johnny. Truly.

But, like, I'm just really
uncomfortable right now

with my older sister
acting like a stubborn child.

Okay, why don't we all
take a deep breath here

and try and remember
what's really important.

Okay? We are family.

And we have to
hang on to that.

And you know as well as I do,
Moira, that times of crisis,

the one thing we need
to hang on to is family.

Okay, okay.

Dee Dee,

we appreciate you coming
to this town

and offering whatever it is you're offering,
much appreciated.

'Cause, seriously,
I thought you were just coming here to gloat.

No, no, no.

I came here in the spirit
of giving and forgiving.

The gloating thing
was a bonus.

Moira, go on.

Yes, go on.

We need help.

Please help us.

Okay, I will.

Hmm.

Oh.

I'm gonna do this for you,
but mostly, I'm doing it for me.

Why? Because you can't
and I can.

Oh.

Okay.

How much we gonna make
this out for?

Oh.

I haven't the foggiest.
I couldn't...

I couldn't come up
with a number. I mean, I...

Whatever you think is fair.

Well, you guys gave me
50 grand, right?

Yes, we gave you 50,000
when we had the money.

But I can't...

I can't ask you for $50,000.

Whatever you think
is the equivalent amount.

Okay, I think I can do you

a little better
than that. Okay?

Oh.

So unnecessary, Dee Dee,

but thank you.

Well, who's up for pork?

Okay, so you're telling me

your girlfriend is on a date
with someone else

and instead of doing something about it,
you're here talking to me,

a kid who practically
has no respect for you.

Well, first of all,
you're a little bitchy.

Second of all,
she is not my girlfriend.

She's someone that I'm
occasionally having sex with

because we're both
bored and desperate.

Ah. You're doing a friends-with-benefits
thing with this girl.

Have you not seen the 42 films they've
made about it? It never works.

Okay, well,
movies aren't always right, all right?

You'll learn that
later in life.

I happen to be a little bit
older than you are, so...

- Obviously.
- Okay.

Well, I think we're good here.

You're gonna be okay, right?
You're stable?

I have a party later.
Can you buy me some beer?

Uh, no.
Can you buy me some beer?

Hey. Can I grab a glass
of water?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

So how's the, uh, song going?
Is that...

- Is the song still a thing?
- Yeah. Do you wanna hear some of it?

Um, I would love to,
but I actually hate music,

so I don't think
I'd be a very good judge.

- You hate music?
- Uh-huh.

Are you sure
that Mutt likes music?

'Cause I feel like if he didn't,
it could be kind of awkward.

Are you feeling okay?

Um, I just don't think

that the song thing
is a good idea.

For, like, a lot of reasons.

Um...

Are you sure that you wanna put yourself
in such a vulnerable situation, Twy?

Are you saying you don't think
Mutt would like it?

I don't know. I mean...

I'm not sure.

Maybe, but... I don't...
I'm not... Yeah, I'm not sure.

Did you talk to Mutt?

Because I know that we've been
sort of off for a while,

and I've been just trying to think of
things to make it better, and so I'm...

You know, I'm just trying
to make it work.

I think that you should talk
to Mutt before

breaking into song.

Thank you, Alexis.

For what?

Bye.

In all honesty,
Mutt was just a placeholder.

According to my tea leaves,
the guy I'm supposed to marry is black, so...

- What and why are we drinking?
- Oh, my goodness.

Um, I don't know, and today, some snippy
teen told me that my life was a mess.

And I am now a single person.

Oh.

So did you spend the night washing
your clothes on Grant's abs?

- You're funny.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, Grant went to the bathroom
and never came back.

- Thank you.
- What?

He went to the bathroom
and never came back?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

So either I was stood up
halfway through my date,

or Grant has some serious
digestive issues.

Wow.

Sounds like a real catch.

- Mm-hmm
- Um...

So word on teen street

is that our little
friends-with-benefits situation is a...

- Not a good idea?
- Bad. Is a bad idea.

And because I don't have
any other friends here,

I can't afford to lose you,
so I think it's best if we just...

- Friends.
- Friends. Yeah.

- I think that's best.
- Yes.

Good. This is good.

- That's good, right?
- It's good.

Okay. Well, warmest wishes
to that.

- Kindest regards.
- Yeah.

Cheers.

Hoo.

- Twy, that's...
- Hmm.

It's good, right?

My eyes are tearing.

So this is it?

After all that?

And we paid for the dinner.

So we lost money
on the whole deal.

I'll tell ya,

she's gonna be embarrassed
when this thing gets cashed.

She will be embarrassed.

She missed a zero.

Moira, she missed a zero
or two.

I... You know what?

I'm gonna call her.
I'm calling her right now, that...

What a cheap-ass amount!

Turn your light off, John.

Your sister is a cheap-ass.

Cheap-ass.