All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E09.Carls.Funeral.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.x264-QOQ

Hi, Johnny.
Can we come in for a moment?

Yes. Yes.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

Is everything okay?

We've got some sad news.

Uh, someone very close
has died.

- Oh.
- Sorry.

You remember Bob?

No.

You broke into his cabin
and had sex

while he and his wife
were in the next room.

Oh, that's Bob.

Yeah, Bob.
He was on the town council.

He's on the town council,
yeah.

- Oh, Bob died?
- Tsk, tsk, tsk.

No. No, not Bob.
Bob's brother, Carl, died.

I don't know Carl.

We barely know Bob.

Carl thought
so highly of you, Johnny.

Oh...

Really? Well, that's nice.

No, I honestly
don't know the man.

Well, understandably, Bob is, uh,
pretty broken up by all of this,

and he asked me to ask you if,
uh, you'd be willing to, um,

be a pallbearer
at Carl's funeral.

- A pallbearer?
- Mmm-hmm.

At Carl's funeral.

Well, I don't...

Um...

I, you know, I'm flattered.
That's...

It's quite an honor to be...

I knew he would say yes.

And normally
I would, I would.

I... You know, but my back.
I have, uh...

I... I have back issues.

- Honey? You know, my back.
- What?

- The thing with my back.
- Your back!

Oh, it's... It's terrible.

And his arms are so weak.
Little muscles like Corn Nuts.

Yeah, we're just talking
about my back, sweetheart.

It's awful.

I don't know
what we're gonna tell Bob.

He's gonna be so disappointed.

Yeah. Yeah. Well,
life can kick you in the teeth sometimes.

Well, that's not gonna help Bob
out too much there, Johnny.

Mmm, no.
Shouldn't bother Carl.

I said bring
the goddamn diaper bag!

Babe, I'm getting
the cooler right now,

in case you didn't notice.

Well, Denim has needed
a diaper change

since before
we left the house!

Oh, my God.

What?

Some townie douchebag
is moving in next door.

They've got a baby.

Is there a gun?

- Oh, no.
- Jesus! What the hell did you do that for?

It's still too hot.

It's 20 seconds
in the microwave,

- not 20 minutes, you tool.
- Oh, you've lost it.

- Oh...
- You've lost it.

What the hell
are you so rattled about?

Oh!

- What are you doing?
- Um, I'm gonna go

stay at Ted's,

because I've been to
enough spring breaks

to know how this is gonna end,

and it's not...not good.

You're just gonna leave me
here with these people?

Yeah. Like, I don't
feel good about it.

Hello! Hello!

Is anybody
in that hollow chest?

Hey, Bob.

How are you holding up?

Oh, you know. Not bad.

You know,
they say death is just life

except you're not here.

You're somewhere else,
you know?

But that's okay because

at least you're somewhere,
you know?

But when does
somewhere become there?

And when does
there become here?

- And I... It just...
- Just a coffee, please.

- For here? Okay.
- Yeah.

- Bob.
- Hi, Johnny.

Oh, hi. Hi.

You mind if I join you?

I could use
a little company today.

Oh, no, no.

You... You stay
where you are, and I'll...

I'll come over there.

Oh!

Baby. Ooh!

Wow!

Yikes! That's...
That hurts today.

Yeah, Roland, he told me
about your back and I, uh...

I am so sorry.

Well, I'm the one
who's sorry, Bob.

You know, hearing about your, uh, brother.
Chris...

- Carl.
- Carl. Yeah, he was a good man.

- Good man.
- He admired you, Johnny.

- And I him.
- Yeah.

And I him.

Listen, uh, I understand
about your back...

Yeah.

And I was just, uh, wondering

if maybe you could say
a few words at the funeral?

Well, the thing is, uh, Bob,

I don't feel
I deserve that honor. Uh...

Oh, see, I'm no good
at these things.

You know, uh,
you, you're polished.

You know, you're well-spoken.

Oh, no. No, no.
Not really. Not really.

I mean, I'm good one-on-one,
but not good in a public situation.

I clam up pretty good.

As a favor, Johnny.

He must have had
a few close friends,

- somebody that...
- No one.

Well, sure. Sure.
I can say a few words, Bob.

I'll say a few words.

Have you seen the couple
that checked in?

They're like really scummy.
Like, very skaggy people

who happened to produce a child that
hasn't been taken away from them yet.

Imagine being related to them.

No, I can't. It's too early.

They're my cousins.

Oh.

Well, um,

the baby's relatively
normal-looking.

No, they're definitely skaggy.

My God, they're so skaggy.

Hmm. Wait,
so you're related to Carl?

Not genetically.

My mom's sister was married to Carl.
Carl is Sean's stepdad.

And was that a factor
in the cause of death?

I wouldn't be surprised.

They broke up right
before Sean got Bree pregnant.

Or someone got Bree pregnant.

I mean,
Bree's not exactly fussy

when it comes to introducing
men to her vagina.

Mmm, charming.

Tell me it's not always
this clean in here.

No, it's always this clean.

Oh, it smells so fresh.

Uh, that's the Febreze.

I was... I was eating Indian
last night, so...

So much better than the motel.

At least you know
what the smell is.

Oh!

- Hey, come on now, you two.
- Oh, hey!

- Come on.
- Hi there. Ooh!

Oh...

There's a good girl.
There's a good girl!

- They're so...
- Oh! Well, Macy and Fifer

are just staying with me for a couple of
weeks until they get back on their feet.

Isn't that right, Fifey?

Yeah, your worms are
almost all gone, aren't they?

Yeah.

Is that a diaper
on that little cutie?

Yup. Oh.
You know what, though?

Okay. This is just because
she's scared right now.

But, uh, don't worry.
I can tell that you are gonna win them over.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I just... I haven't, um, been...
I haven't... I don't...

I'm not around dogs
a lot, so...

No, you know what?
Don't even worry about it.

Just for tonight,
think of them as our kids.

Right? Oh, yeah.

John, you're speaking
at the funeral?

The man was weeping.
What was I supposed to do?

You take his hands in yours,
you look him in the eye, and you say, "No."

What do you say about a guy
you couldn't care less about?

Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's
funeral all over again.

- Who's Gord what's-his-name?
- Exactly.

He was some kind of crewperson
on Sunrise Bay.

I made an obligatory
appearance at the service,

and his hysterical girlfriend
cornered me into saying a few words.

I didn't have a thought in my head,
so I just stood up and sang Danny Boy.

- Not a dry eye in the house.
- Huh?

God, I love this bed.

I'm so glad
you're not my brother.

Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad
about that, too.

But let me assure you,
tonight it is just you and me.

Hey, the little guy
is looking at us.

Oh. Yeah,
dogs sometimes do that.

Okay.

Um...

Maybe we could
invite it to go? Go away.

Oh, she's fine.
She's fine. She's fine.

Oh, now you want in
on the action too, huh?

Okay, the big one
is sniffing the diaper.

- Does that mean it's full? What is...
- Okay.

Okay, you guys,
just give us a little bit of time here,

and then you can come
sleep with us, okay? Okay?

Okay, where were we?

Out. Get out.

Pass the chips!

Hello. Excuse me.

Excuse me!

- Hey!
- Excuse me!

- Hey! Go.
- Excuse me, hi.

Oh, buttons, I don't think
you're invited to this one, huh?

I don't wanna be
invited to this one.

Hey, look who it is. It's your dad.
He's here to take you home!

- Yeah, yeah.
- Remember that?

- Yeah!
- You remember that one?

No.

I'm just pumpin' your tires,
bud!

Look, what you gotta understand
is that my ex-stepdad just died,

so we're here
celebrating his life, okay?

Okay, you all seem
very devastated by this.

I need you to turn...

- I need you to turn the music down, okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

Because I'm trying to get

at least a couple hours'
sleep tonight.

Well, you know
who's sleeping forever, bud?

- Your ex-stepdad, yeah.
- My ex-stepdad, yeah.

- Yup, yeah.
- Damn, that's sad.

- Are we out of mix?
- Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it...

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Don't.

Oh, my...

I am so sorry. They got me...

They got me wasted.
- Mmm.

I hate them, okay?
I hate them so much.

You smell very flammable
right now.

Yes, I'm sure.

I'm gonna need you to get them
to turn it down, okay?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Hi, Denim.
Hi, sweetie pie.

David, I'm so sorry.

- Johnny.
- Hello, Bob.

Moira, so good of you to come.

- John said we had no choice.
- Oh.

Listen, we have
some good seats down front.

Oh, that's very nice.

Boy, what a beautiful day
for a funeral.

Bob, in case I wanna mention
this in my remarks,

how did Carl go?

Well, it was a bit of
a freak accident, really.

Apparently, he was trying to unhook
his belt from the ceiling fan.

Apparently, it got knotted
around his neck.

What?

Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole
thing would've come down, you know.

Try keeping a fan and a body
spinning up there for two days.

But, uh, Carl found
the studs on that one.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That's craftsmanship.

Oh, yeah.

But that was Carl.

Do you even know
what that stain is or...

Uh, I'm worried if I did,
I wouldn't clean it up.

Why are you cleaning it up?

Sadly, um, I threw most of the
broken glass you see here.

You were a bit of
a mess last night.

They told you?

Oh, no, no. We had
a full-blown conversation.

You were barely clinging
to consciousness.

Oh.

Sorry.

Did I try
and make out with you?

Mmm-mmm.

Good.

But now I'm worried
I made out with someone else.

Uh, it's kind of my go-to
when I'm a little boozy.

Mmm.

Mine's shame eating,
so yours sounds more fun.

Um...

Is this your thong or...

Yeah, no.
Bree's a real classy girl.

Uh, his was wrapped
around the remote.

Don't worry,
I threw out the remote.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like
they have a side hustle.

I'm pretty sure she strips.
Why?

Oh, no,
this is just a lot of, um...

- Yes, it is.
- Marijuana.

And if you're offering,
my answer is yes.

Thank you for that, Shannon.

Nothing says we'll miss you like
an excerpt from Breaking Dawn,

one of Carl's favorites
of the Twilight movies.

Now, to say a few words,

I'd like to bring up a close friend
and one of Carl's personal heroes,

Johnny Rose.

Thank you, Minister.

Carl.

What to say about Carl?

Once so full of life,

and now

lying very, very close to me.

What a terrible thing
death is.

And yet, for Carl,

pretty much an all-consuming
thing at this point.

He was a...
He was a man who loved

a good sweater, I'm told.

And he loved the feel of
a big tool in his hand.

Am I right, Bob?

And I wonder,

when Carl was spinning around
on that ceiling fan

that he was so very proud of,

was he ever
thinking of this town,

where he was born,
where he lived,

and where he died?

Where he died.

But I'm not up here today

to speak about dying
in Schitt's Creek.

I'm here. I'm...

- Where the hell are you, Sean?
- I'm...

At a bar?

If anyone should be
in a bar right now, it's me.

Fuck, Sean!

Excuse me.

Well, I am here to talk about
dying in Schitt's Creek.

I'm here to talk about
the misery of our lives here,

and how we might
never escape this place,

and how we do not want to
end up in a coffin, like Carl,

here in this godforsaken...

# Oh, Danny boy

# The pipes,
the pipes are calling

- # From glen to glen

# And down the mountain side

# But God...

So, I'm sorry

if earlier I wasn't sensitive
to your animal issues.

And if it's any consolation,

the dogs told me to tell you
that they're super embarrassed

about their behavior, too.

Well, I am dating a vet.
I should've known that

there'd be slutty
little animals running around.

And I only take in
the slutty ones, so...

I just, I didn't know what to do
because I love the dogs so much, but,

you know, I also really love

the way that our relationship
is going right now, so much.

Such a sweet face.

So,
to get you more comfortable around animals...

Not a puppy, Ted! I...

No, that would be cruel
to the puppy.

No, I got you this.

It's a very specific book.

You might wanna
check out page 37.

Is it a credit card?

No. It's a room key.

To the premium king suite at the
Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale,

and they have a very strict
"no pets allowed" policy.

Well, it just so happens that I
have packed my overnight bag.

Hmm.

Come here.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

- No. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.

You know where
I got my hat, brah?

Where?

Assholes R Us.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! We need to go.

We need to go. We need to go.

I don't see it.
I don't see it.

Let me see it.

The fuck?

Who trashed our room?

You did, Sean!

Where's
my backwards hat?

My hat. I'm wearing it.

I'm wearing it.

So I'm thinking to myself,
"Oh, God, what if I die here?"

Mmm. That was not lost
on anyone.

Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches
and make a gracious French exit.

Good idea.

Moira! Your Danny Boy.

What a voice.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

I'd really like you to sing
at my cousin's funeral.

She's not dead,
but she's been coughing a lot lately.

Moira, before they close
the coffin,

one more chorus for Carl?

Please?

Take your time, honey.

# Danny

# Boy

# The pipes, the pipes are

# Calling