All language subtitles for Jeff.Ross.Roasts.America.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:11,167 - WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED. - WHAT'S THAT? 2 00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:12,533 - WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED. 3 00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,433 - THAT'S A JOKE. all: NO. 4 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,300 - WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED? 5 00:00:17,467 --> 00:00:22,767 SHIT. HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 6 00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:25,433 - TOO SOON! - TOO SOON? 7 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,900 APPARENTLY NOT. 8 00:00:29,067 --> 00:00:30,800 [guitar riff] HEY. 9 00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:32,300 LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY. 10 00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:34,433 JEFF ROSS HERE. 11 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:35,667 YEAH! HOLA! 12 00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:37,300 WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? 13 00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:39,633 I'M HEADING OUT ON MY FIRST NATIONAL TOUR, 14 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:42,100 ROASTING MY WAY AROUND AMERICA... 15 00:00:42,267 --> 00:00:44,067 - HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GONNA GET ROASTED BY THE MASTER? 16 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:46,067 - IF YOU'RE PREGNANT OR WEIRD-LOOKING... 17 00:00:46,233 --> 00:00:48,233 YOU HAVE A CIVIC OBLIGATION... 18 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,500 TO GET 15 SECONDS OF PAIN, IF YOUR SKIN IS THICK ENOUGH. 19 00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:51,933 VOLUNTEER ONLY. 20 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:54,767 HERE WE FUCKING GO. 21 00:00:54,933 --> 00:00:56,433 FINDING OUT WHO CAN TAKE IT... 22 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,900 LISTEN, SLUMDOG THOUSAND-AIRE. 23 00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:00,733 YOU'RE LIKE A SITCOM BLACK DUDE. 24 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,367 YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR BLACK DUDE. 25 00:01:02,533 --> 00:01:04,200 LOOK AT THAT! 26 00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:05,233 AND WHO CAN'T. 27 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,567 AAH! OW! 28 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,567 WHOO! OW! 29 00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:09,900 LET FREEDOM ZING... [mic thuds] 30 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:12,067 AND LET THE ROASTING BEGIN! 31 00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:18,500 MY FIRST STOP WAS MY SECOND HOME, SEATTLE. 32 00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:21,067 I WARMED UP BACKSTAGE BY ROASTING MY NEPHEW, JARED, 33 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:22,567 RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW. 34 00:01:22,733 --> 00:01:24,367 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 35 00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:26,633 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP? 36 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,933 NICE OUTFIT, I DIDN'T KNOW BABY GAP HAD WOMEN'S CLOTHES. 37 00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:34,767 JARED LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER IF HE CUT HIS OWN HAIR. 38 00:01:34,933 --> 00:01:36,900 THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. 39 00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:40,167 BEHAVE OR I'LL DROP YOU OFF AT PENN STATE UNIVERSITY. 40 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,367 - PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL, 41 00:01:43,533 --> 00:01:46,200 JEFFREY ROSS, EVERYBODY. [cheers and applause] 42 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:49,067 - THIS WORKED OUT. THANK YOU, SEATTLE. 43 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,300 I GOT A HAIRCUT FOR YOU PEOPLE. 44 00:01:51,467 --> 00:01:56,633 I TOLD THE GUY, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GADDAFI'S NEPHEW." 45 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,200 IT ALMOST RAINED TODAY, DIDN'T IT, SEATTLE? 46 00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,367 ALMOST. 47 00:02:01,533 --> 00:02:03,233 HOW MANY DAYS A WEEK DOES IT-- YOU THINK IT RAINS HERE? 48 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,533 all: SEVEN! 49 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:07,633 - SEVEN DAYS A WEEK? 50 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,567 YOU PEOPLE ARE WETTER THAN WHITNEY HOUSTON 51 00:02:09,733 --> 00:02:13,933 IN A BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL BATHTUB. 52 00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,833 YOU PEOPLE-- 53 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:25,433 - TOO SOON! - NEVER TOO SOON, SIR. 54 00:02:27,533 --> 00:02:33,067 HOW [bleep] STONED ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS? 55 00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,233 PEOPLE SMOKE POT IN SEATTLE? 56 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,733 [crowd cheers] - YEE-HAW! 57 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,167 - YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING WHILE YOU'RE HOLDING IN POT SMOKE 58 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,467 AND IT MAKES IT OKAY, RIGHT? 59 00:02:44,633 --> 00:02:47,467 [inhales] 60 00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:53,200 MOM'S DEAD. 61 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,867 [laughs] 62 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,133 [inhales] 63 00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:00,633 - UH-OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT. 64 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,500 - I WANT TO STICK MY PINKIE IN YOUR ASSHOLE. 65 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:12,167 I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES. 66 00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:16,167 I INVITED COURTNEY LOVE, BUT SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP. 67 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:19,167 SHE TOLD ME SHE'S WRITING HER BOOK. 68 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:25,167 THAT'S GONNA BE A CAN'T-REMEMOIR. 69 00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:26,567 THAT PLOT'S GONNA HAVE MORE HOLES 70 00:03:26,733 --> 00:03:28,567 THAN KURT COBAIN'S GARAGE. 71 00:03:28,733 --> 00:03:32,467 [laughter and groans] 72 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:38,300 TOO SOON FOR THE KURT JOKES, SEATTLE? 73 00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:42,667 I HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, BUT I BET IT ENDS WITH A BANG. 74 00:03:46,933 --> 00:03:51,467 ALL APOLOGIES. 75 00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:55,067 HOW FAR DOES BILL GATES LIVE FROM HERE? 76 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,067 BILL GATES IS SO RICH, 77 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,967 HE WIPES HIS ASS WITH SEAHAWKS TICKETS. 78 00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:06,700 BILL GATES IS SO RICH, HE'S 100% OF THE 1% OF THE 1%. 79 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,133 BILL GATES IS SO RICH, 80 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:13,400 HE HIRED CANCER TO KILL STEVE JOBS. 81 00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:21,533 THIS IS MY GUITAR FROM HIGH SCHOOL. 82 00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,467 I CONSIDER IT AN OLD FRIEND. 83 00:04:23,633 --> 00:04:25,567 WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD, I BRING IT WITH ME, 84 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,067 AND, UH, IT KEEPS ME COMPANY. 85 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,833 STEVE JOBS WAS A GREAT AMERICAN, AND THAT ONE-- 86 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:34,533 THAT ONE WAS-- 87 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:38,367 AT HIS FUNERAL, HIS FAMILY MADE THIS ELABORATE TRIBUTE VIDEO, 88 00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:41,267 AND THEN IT DIDN'T WORK 'CAUSE YOU NEEDED FLASH. 89 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:44,267 [strumming guitar riff] 90 00:04:44,433 --> 00:04:51,833 * 91 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:55,100 THEY PUT HIM IN THIS REALLY EXPENSIVE COFFIN. 92 00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,300 THEN THEY PAID EXTRA FOR A PLASTIC CASE 93 00:04:57,467 --> 00:05:01,733 TO PROTECT IT FROM SCRATCHES. 94 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,267 DID YOU SEE HIM? HE WAS THINNER THAN THE iPAD 2 95 00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:10,267 AT THE END THERE. 96 00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:13,267 [playing guitar] 97 00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:16,267 * 98 00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:19,067 EVERYBODY WANTED TO WORK FOR STEVE JOBS, 99 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:21,167 EXCEPT HIS PANCREAS. 100 00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:23,800 * 101 00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:29,800 STEVE JOBS, ROAST IN PEACE. 102 00:05:29,967 --> 00:05:35,067 [cheers and applause] 103 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,967 I MADE A CHALLENGE THAT I WOULD TRY 104 00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:41,633 SPEED-ROASTING VOLUNTEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE. 105 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,467 I DON'T PICK ON PEOPLE. IT HAS TO BE VOLUNTEER ONLY. 106 00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:47,867 15 SECONDS OF PAIN, SEATTLE. 107 00:05:48,067 --> 00:05:50,667 WHOEVER WANTS TO COME UP, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. 108 00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:54,167 I'LL TAKE THE FIRST, LIKE, EIGHT PEOPLE OR SOMETHING. 109 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,267 OKAY, HOLD ON, THAT'S ENOUGH DUDES. 110 00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:59,233 WAIT A SECOND. 111 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,300 ALL RIGHT, JUST WOMEN NOW. JUST WOMEN ONLY. 112 00:06:01,467 --> 00:06:03,333 WOMEN ONLY. ALL RIGHT. 113 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:08,500 OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS [bleep] LOST KARDASHIAN. 114 00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,800 WHAT'S UP? - I LOVE YOU, JEFF! 115 00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:12,567 - OH, MY GO--OH! 116 00:06:12,733 --> 00:06:14,800 POP! POP! - YOU'RE SO SEXY. 117 00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:16,967 - OH, MY GOD, WOW. 118 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,100 SOMEBODY GET HER A BLACK COCK FAST. 119 00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:23,667 OW! OW! 120 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:27,667 LOOK AT THIS GAY NAZI OVER HERE. 121 00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:31,067 [effeminate] HEIL HITLER! 122 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,933 COME ON, DO IT WITH ME. DO IT WITH ME. 123 00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,667 HEIL HITLER! 124 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:35,733 - [indistinct shout] - [laughs] 125 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,467 AND THIS GUY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY? 126 00:06:42,633 --> 00:06:44,133 I SAW YOU AT THE THEATER WHEN I WALKED BY 127 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:45,933 AT, LIKE, WHAT TIME TODAY? 128 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,800 - UH, I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, 2:00. 129 00:06:47,967 --> 00:06:49,967 - THIS GUY GOT TO THE THEATER AT 2:00. 130 00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:51,700 I THOUGHT HE WAS A REALLY BIG FAN, 131 00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:54,633 TURNS OUT HE'S FUCKING HOMELESS. 132 00:06:57,733 --> 00:07:00,433 WHAT DO YOU DO? - UH, I'M A LASER OPERATOR. 133 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,600 - A WHAT? - A LASER OPERATOR. 134 00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:06,067 - YOU MUST GET TONS OF PUSSY. 135 00:07:06,233 --> 00:07:08,067 - JUST ONE. [laughs] 136 00:07:08,233 --> 00:07:10,067 - JUST ONE? - YEAH. 137 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,733 - YOU HAVE A WIFE? - UM, IN A COUPLE MONTHS. 138 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,733 - OH, YOU'RE GONNA-- YOU'RE ENGAGED? 139 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,900 - YES. - WOW, WHAT DOES SHE DO? 140 00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:21,900 - SHE-- - I KNOW SHE'S NOT A DENTIST. 141 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,700 YOU ASKED FOR THIS, BUDDY. I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T-- 142 00:07:23,867 --> 00:07:27,400 - NO, HEY, HEY. 143 00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,200 - COME HERE, LADIES. 144 00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:30,900 LET'S CHECK YOU OUT FOR A SECOND. 145 00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,833 TWO FIVES MAKE A TEN, RIGHT? 146 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:35,400 - RIGHT! - [laughs] 147 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,600 - YEAH! WE'RE DOING IT! WE'RE FUCKING DOING IT! 148 00:07:40,767 --> 00:07:44,567 WOW. 149 00:07:44,733 --> 00:07:47,233 YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEET FACE. - AW, THANK YOU. 150 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,500 - ARE YOU, LIKE, MISSING A CHROMOSOME OR SOMETHING? 151 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,867 - YEAH, FOR SURE. FOR SURE. 152 00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:59,700 BUT--BUT IT MAKES EVERYTHING SO MUCH BETTER. 153 00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,533 - I FEEL YOU. I COULD SEE THAT. 154 00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,333 I COULD TOTALLY SEE THAT. - GOOD. 155 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,267 - I LOVE YOU GUYS. AND LOOK AT YOU. 156 00:08:05,433 --> 00:08:07,900 YOU STOLE A TABLECLOTH FROM CHUCK E. CHEESE. 157 00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:11,133 - HEY, MAN, IT'S A RECESSION. IT'S A RECESSION. 158 00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,167 - YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR TITS? 159 00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:15,767 [laughs] 160 00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:21,133 OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT. 161 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,633 I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU BOTH MY SPACE NEEDLE. 162 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:29,233 BET YOUR PUSSIES SMELL LIKE PIKE'S PLACE. 163 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,767 TAKE A BOW, YOU GUYS. YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS. 164 00:08:31,933 --> 00:08:34,767 SUPER, SUPER COOL OF YOU LADIES TO COME UP HERE. 165 00:08:34,933 --> 00:08:36,633 GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR PUBIC HAIRS COMING IN. 166 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,433 - ALL RIGHT, ANY TIME NOW. 167 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,467 - LOVE YOU. - THANK YOU, DARLING. 168 00:08:40,633 --> 00:08:43,067 SECURITY, ESCORT HER BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM, PLEASE. 169 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,133 - A COLD, BEAUTIFUL DAY IN TORONTO. 170 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,067 NO ROASTING OF AMERICA WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A STOP 171 00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:52,967 AT OUR COUSIN'S BACKYARD TO THE NORTH. 172 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,833 OUR BIG, DUMB COUSIN, CANADA. 173 00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,467 IT'S KIND OF LIKE VISITING THE FAMILY. 174 00:08:56,633 --> 00:08:58,367 IT'S KIND OF AN OBLIGATION. 175 00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:01,400 GOTTA REMIND THESE CANADIANS WHO'S BOSS. 176 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:02,500 [coughs] 177 00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:10,067 THIS ISN'T A ROAST, IT'S A THAW. 178 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,633 MY DICK IS INSIDE MY STOMACH RIGHT NOW, 179 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,533 IT'S SO COLD OUT THERE. 180 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,900 UH, I WATCHED A CANADIAN PORNO MOVIE YESTERDAY. 181 00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:18,567 THAT WAS COOL. 182 00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:23,067 TWO GIRLS, ONE STANLEY CUP. 183 00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:25,133 LAST TIME I WAS IN MONTREAL, 184 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:28,733 CELINE DION HAD JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO IDENTICAL TWINS, 185 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,300 WHICH WAS QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT GIVEN HER AGE AND FACE. 186 00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:42,567 TOO SOON FOR THE CELINE DION JOKES? 187 00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:46,300 THERE GOES MY MICHAEL J. FOX ROUTINE. 188 00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:48,200 I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF MICHAEL J. FOX. 189 00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:51,633 THAT'S SHAKY GROUND RIGHT THERE. 190 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,133 [laughs] 191 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,433 OH, MY--HEY, HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THE BAND, 192 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:02,933 DOING A GREAT JOB TONIGHT. 193 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:06,233 IF YOU'RE PREGNANT OR WEIRD-LOOKING, 194 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,633 YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO YOUR FELLOW CANADIANS 195 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,200 TO COME ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW. 196 00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:13,000 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S PROBABLY GOOD. 197 00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,667 WOW, THIS IS WORKING OUT. COME ON. 198 00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:17,300 HOLY SHIT, LET'S TALK TO THIS GUY. 199 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:20,333 COME OVER HERE, SIR. 200 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,233 SIR, WHEN I ASKED FOR PREGNANT PEOPLE TO COME ONSTAGE, 201 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,667 I WASN'T TRYING TO REFER TO YOU, 202 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,200 BUT--COME HERE. COME HERE, DOLL. 203 00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:30,200 LET'S JUST-- LET'S JUST COMPARE YOU TWO. 204 00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:34,000 YOU GUYS ARE--JUST RUB BELLIES. JUST RUB BELLIES A LITTLE BIT. 205 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:38,067 THE THREE OF US. THE THREE OF US. 206 00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:40,267 YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO CUTE. 207 00:10:40,433 --> 00:10:42,000 COME HERE, HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD, HOW ARE YOU? 208 00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,000 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - AMANDA. 209 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,567 - AMANDA. YOU ARE SO SEXILY PREGNANT RIGHT NOW. 210 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,367 - THANKS. - WHO'S THE BABY DADDY? 211 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:52,167 - HE'S OUT THERE. 212 00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:56,000 - THIS WOMAN IS TOO PREGNANT TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC RIGHT NOW. 213 00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,000 I'M SO H--CAN I TOUCH? - YEAH, GO AHEAD. 214 00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,733 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HAVING? 215 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,633 - A BOY. - OH, THAT'S AWESOME. 216 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,600 I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE THEY SAY 217 00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,700 IT'S VERY HEALTHY FOR THE BABY'S DEVELOPMENT 218 00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:07,333 TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGHING, TO HEAR THE MOTHER LAUGHING. 219 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,367 - THAT'S RIGHT. 220 00:11:09,533 --> 00:11:12,500 - IMAGINE IF I WAS LICKING YOUR PUSSY RIGHT NOW, 221 00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:17,667 HOW GOOD THAT WOULD BE FOR THE UNBORN BABY. 222 00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:19,133 WHAT DO YOU SAY? WHAT DO YOU SAY? 223 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,267 - SURE. [laughs] 224 00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:24,067 - MMM, I GOTTA JERK OFF AGAIN. HOLD ON A SECOND. 225 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,733 [laughs] 226 00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,633 OH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW. COME HERE. 227 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,933 YOU ARE SO-- LOOK AT YOU. 228 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,467 WOW, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE [bleep] RAPED ON THE WAY HERE. 229 00:11:32,633 --> 00:11:35,133 WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS FUCKING OUTFIT? 230 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:38,400 IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 231 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,800 DID YOU MAKE IT IN OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED, EXACTLY? 232 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:45,267 THEY RIPPED YOUR-- HALF YOUR DRESS OFF. 233 00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:46,467 I WANT TO BITE YOUR SHOULDER RIGHT NOW. 234 00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,167 - YOU'RE A CREEP. 235 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,800 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - SARAH. 236 00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:51,067 - SARAH WITH AN "H"? - YES. 237 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,067 - OH, I GOTTA JERK OFF. 238 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:56,667 WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY, SARAH? 239 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,100 - A STUDENT. - OH, YEAH? 240 00:11:58,267 --> 00:12:00,067 OF WHAT? - MBA. 241 00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:02,233 - I KNOW IT'S NOT FASHION. 242 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,967 all: OH! 243 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:06,800 IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, SARAH. 244 00:12:06,967 --> 00:12:08,933 YOU'RE HERE AMONGST FRIENDS TODAY. 245 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:12,267 MISS, IT WAS GREAT TO MEET YOU. 246 00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:14,100 HONEY, I'LL SEE YOU--WHEN? WHEN WILL I SEE YOU? 247 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,067 - AFTER THE SHOW. - AFTER THE SHOW? 248 00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:21,467 DO YOU EVER SUCK DICK FOR COKE? 249 00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:25,900 HOW ABOUT DIET PEPSI? DO YOU TAKE DIET PEPSI? 250 00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:28,333 MAMALA, THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD SPORT. 251 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,067 - THANK YOU. - THANK YOU FOR COMING UP HERE 252 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,900 WHEN I ASKED FOR A VOLUNTEER. 253 00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:35,567 GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR BABY AND YOUR DADDY. 254 00:12:35,733 --> 00:12:36,300 OH, THAT WAS SO FUN. 255 00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:44,433 - WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING UPTIGHT. 256 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,233 THAT WASN'T THE CASE WITH THE PEOPLE I WAS RUNNING INTO. 257 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,167 HEY, HONEST ABE! 258 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,833 WANT TO COME HEAR ME ROAST ABE LINCOLN? 259 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:53,067 LAST TIME I ROASTED SOMEBODY THIS STONED, 260 00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:56,933 IT WAS CHARLIE SHEEN. 261 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,067 ABE, YOU WERE AMERICA'S BEST PRESIDENT EVER, 262 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,733 AND OUR WORST THEATERGOER EVER. 263 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,667 - TOO SOON, TOO SOON. 264 00:13:03,833 --> 00:13:05,600 - TOO SOON? all: TOO SOON. 265 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,467 - I HEARD THAT PLAY WAS SO BAD, 266 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:08,700 HE WAS HOPING TO GET SHOT IN THE HEAD. 267 00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:10,433 [laughter and groans] 268 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,333 TOO SOON, TOO SOON, TOO SOON. 269 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,467 OF COURSE, ABE LINCOLN FREED THE SLAVES. 270 00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:18,900 IS THAT WHY ALL BLACK PEOPLE DRIVE LINCOLNS? 271 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,900 NOW I'M GONNA GO ROAST MARTIN LUTHER KING. 272 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,333 COME ON! - YEAH! 273 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:25,167 - I HEARD THAT THEY JUST APPROVED MEDICAL MARIJUANA 274 00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:28,600 HERE IN WASHINGTON TOO. IS THAT TRUE? 275 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,500 IT'LL BE A BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY. 276 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:33,667 DOCTORS WILL START ADVERTISING ON TV. 277 00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:39,067 "DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING 12-14 HOURS A NIGHT?" 278 00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:47,967 SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AFTER NINE OR TEN HOURS. 279 00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:53,233 "ARE CARTOONS NOT AS FUNNY AS THEY USED TO BE?" 280 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,067 WE'RE IN A POLITICAL AREA. 281 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,767 DO YOU GUYS THINK, UH, THE PRESIDENT 282 00:13:56,933 --> 00:13:58,400 SHOULD GET HIS JOB BACK? 283 00:13:58,567 --> 00:13:59,433 - NO! [scattered boos] 284 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,600 - REALLY? 285 00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,667 HE GETS A LOT OF CREDIT FOR, UH, BEING ON THE LOOKOUT 286 00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:10,233 FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN AND KILLING THAT MOTHERFUCKER, RIGHT? 287 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,767 OSAMA BIN LADEN, LIVING IN THAT RUN-DOWN COMPOUND 288 00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:15,467 FOR YEARS 289 00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:18,633 WITH HIS 3 WIVES AND 11 KIDS. 290 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,633 I HAVE A THEORY THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN 291 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,733 CALLED THE NAVY SEALS HIMSELF. 292 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:28,133 "SOMEBODY FUCKING KILL ME 293 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:31,633 "BEFORE I DO SOMETHING CRAZY. 294 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,967 "I'M AT 1313 [gibberish] BOULEVARD, 295 00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,667 "ABBOTTABAD. 296 00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:42,067 A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A- B-B-A-A-A-A- 297 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,900 B-B-B-A-A-B-A AS IN AAH! 298 00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,300 ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO COME ONSTAGE. 299 00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:54,400 IT HAS TO BE VOLUNTEER ONLY. 300 00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:57,500 THIS IS GONNA BE-- LOOK AT THIS GUY, WOW. 301 00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:02,633 YOU GOT [bleep] BALLS FOR COMING OUT. 302 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,500 THAT'S [bleep] AWESOME. 303 00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:09,633 YOU COULD STAY. YOUR BUDDY COULD STAY. 304 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,100 HOLY SHIT. THIS IS TOO FUCKING-- 305 00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:18,667 OH, MY GOD, WHEN DID HAROLD [bleep] KUMAR? 306 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:22,433 LOOK AT THIS, WE GOT THE [bleep] BOB'S BIG BOY UP HERE. 307 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,333 THE F-- [laughs] 308 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:30,233 HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT THE BIGGEST TITS UP HERE. 309 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,533 WHAT'S UP, MAN, HOW YOU DOING? - WHAT'S UP, BRO? 310 00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:33,233 - NICE TO SEE YOU, BUDDY. 311 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,333 ARE YOU REALLY ON THE REDSKINS? 312 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,700 - DAMN RIGHT. 313 00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:37,067 - WHAT POSITION DO YOU PLAY? 314 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,467 [bleep]... [laughs] 315 00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:42,833 BOTTOM? 316 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,467 YOU GOT BRASS BALLS COMING UP HERE 317 00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:46,800 TO GET [bleep] SPEED-ROASTED. 318 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,067 THIS GUY HAS SEEN MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE 319 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,967 THAN I'M EVER GONNA SEE 320 00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:51,267 OR MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER SEE IN THEIR LIVES. 321 00:15:51,433 --> 00:15:53,133 I TALK SHIT FOR A LIVING. 322 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:54,900 I LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE FREE SPEECH 323 00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,533 IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. 324 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:59,633 SO THESE GUYS OVER HERE, 325 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,567 AND THIS FUCKING TOUGH MANIAC OVER HERE, 326 00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:05,933 PROTECTS MY RIGHT FOR FREE SPEECH. 327 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:09,967 [cheers and applause] YEAH. 328 00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:12,933 YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON FROM THE HOSPITAL 329 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,067 EVER TO COME UP ONSTAGE DURING ONE OF MY SHOWS, 330 00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:17,600 AND HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU, 331 00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:20,300 BUT THIS IS A LONG WAY TO GO TO LOSE WEIGHT. 332 00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:22,133 - I KNOW, RIGHT? 333 00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,133 - I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A FUCKING BLAST. 334 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,133 - I DID, IN AFGHANISTAN. - WHAT? 335 00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,567 - I SAID I DID HAVE A BLAST, IN AFGHANISTAN. 336 00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:31,100 - [laughs] 337 00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:34,300 [bleep] AWESOME. AWESOME. 338 00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,067 FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER. 339 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,633 - I WAS EXPECTING TO TAKE A BOW. 340 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,400 - TAKE A BOW? [laughs] 341 00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:41,133 I'LL TAKE ONE WITH YOU. YOU READY? 342 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,867 WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER-- HOLY SHIT. 343 00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:43,967 SOMEBODY'S GOTTA FUCK THIS GUY. 344 00:16:46,733 --> 00:16:48,233 - HEAR YE, HEAR YE! 345 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,800 ALL THAT TALK ABOUT FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION 346 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:55,067 MADE ME WANT TO TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT. 347 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,833 SO I TOOK THE DAY OFF 348 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,267 AND HEADED TO THE SUNSHINE STATE. 349 00:16:58,433 --> 00:16:59,700 YOU ALL LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL. 350 00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:02,233 WHOOP. 351 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,900 FORGET SPEED-ROASTING, I WAS ROASTING IN MY SPEEDO. 352 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:10,900 [disco music] 353 00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:12,067 * 354 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,933 - USA! USA! USA! 355 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,567 - SIR, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND EXIT THE WATER IMMEDIATELY. 356 00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:21,667 * 357 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,367 - AM I IN TROUBLE? 358 00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:24,667 - YEAH, YOU ARE. - FOR WHAT? 359 00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,567 - PLEASE STOP THE FILMING. 360 00:17:26,733 --> 00:17:28,467 YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO FILM ME. 361 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:29,767 STEP OVER TO THE LIFEGUARD TOWER, PLEASE. 362 00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:31,600 AND LET'S NOT MAKE A SCENE 363 00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:32,800 BEFORE THEY PULL UP THE PADDY WAGON. 364 00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:34,733 all: ROSS! ROSS! ROSS! 365 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,967 - UH OH, BUSTED FOR DESECRATION OF THE FLAG? 366 00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:38,867 WELL, I TALKED TO THE COPS, AND THEY LET ME OFF WITH A WARNING. 367 00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,667 APPARENTLY, IT'S STILL ILLEGAL TO ROCK OUT 368 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:41,733 WITH YOUR COCK OUT IN THIS COUNTRY. 369 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:42,067 - JEFF ROSS! 370 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:44,967 - NEXT STOP, MINNEAPOLIS. 371 00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:47,700 EVERY DAY'S ANOTHER ADVENTURE, YOU KNOW? 372 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,467 YOU PASS THROUGH PLACES THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN, 373 00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:52,500 AND YOU PASS THROUGH PLACES THAT YOU HAVE BEEN. 374 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,300 SO THERE'S ALWAYS ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS 375 00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:56,367 EVERY SINGLE DAY. 376 00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:59,100 WHEN I WAS 17, I HAD SEX WITH SOMEBODY NAMED KAYLA, 377 00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:01,967 AND SHE TRACKED ME DOWN THROUGH MY WEBSITE 378 00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:03,467 AND SAID SHE WANTED TO COME SAY HI, 379 00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,333 SO I THINK SHE'LL BE THERE, 380 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:10,400 WHICH IS, UH, COOL AND WEIRD, AND, UH, 381 00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,567 I GUESS KIND OF FUNNY. 382 00:18:14,633 --> 00:18:16,300 I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN TAKE A JOKE, 383 00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:18,100 AND I'M SORRY THAT THE, UH, VIKINGS 384 00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:19,733 AREN'T IN THE SUPER BOWL TOMORROW. 385 00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,833 THAT'S-- [scattered boos] 386 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:24,933 I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT LOOK, 387 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:28,967 AT LEAST YOUR WNBA TEAM WINS EVERY FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. 388 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:33,067 [cheers and applause] 389 00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:34,233 WHAT ARE THEY CALLED? all: LYNX! 390 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,067 THE LYNX? 391 00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:38,100 MORE LIKE MISSING LINKS, WHAT THE FUCK? 392 00:18:38,267 --> 00:18:42,600 THEY'RE FUCKING 8 FEET TALL, THOSE FUCKING WOMEN. 393 00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:44,400 THEY'RE AWESOME THOUGH. 394 00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:46,100 THEY'RE THE ONLY TEAM FROM MINNESOTA 395 00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:49,767 THAT DOESN'T PLAY LIKE GIRLS. 396 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,767 I HAVE SO MUCH-- - [woman] I LOVE YOU, JEFF ROSS! 397 00:18:55,933 --> 00:19:00,367 - THANK YOU, SIR. 398 00:19:00,533 --> 00:19:03,300 I LOVE YOU TOO, SIR. 399 00:19:03,467 --> 00:19:08,667 I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO SOMEBODY FROM ST. LOUIS PARK. 400 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,967 ARE YOU HERE? 401 00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:16,500 COME HERE, SAY HI FOR A SECOND. 402 00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:20,300 HOLY SHIT, THIS IS NUTS. 403 00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,533 WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. - HOW ARE YOU DOING? 404 00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:25,500 - THAT IS SO CRAZY. 405 00:19:25,667 --> 00:19:28,200 YOU TURNED OUT A LOT BETTER THAN I DID. 406 00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,900 WOW. 407 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,633 YOU WANT TO TELL THE STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED? 408 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,067 IT'LL BE REALLY FUN. 409 00:19:35,167 --> 00:19:37,633 - [laughs] 410 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,767 - IS THIS OKAY THAT I'M DOING THIS? 411 00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:49,533 - DOES IT MATTER? - NO. 412 00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:50,967 - YOU GOT A BABY! 413 00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:54,133 - THAT WOULD BE CRAZY. 414 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,900 THAT WOULD BE CRAZY IF MY, LIKE, 20-YEAR-OLD SON 415 00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,600 CAME DOWN THOSE STEPS RIGHT NOW. 416 00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:01,433 - IT'S THE DUDE WITH THE BEER. 417 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:05,467 - DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH ME RIGHT NOW. 418 00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:09,233 TOO SOON, TOO SOON. 419 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,567 THE WAY I REMEMBER IT, YOU SAID TO YOUR FRIEND SUE, 420 00:20:11,733 --> 00:20:15,867 "I WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY, AND THAT GUY JEFF 421 00:20:16,033 --> 00:20:19,033 "JUST HAPPENED TO BE OVER AT YOUR HOUSE, 422 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,500 SO I'M GONNA FUCK THAT GUY TONIGHT." 423 00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:24,500 I WAS JUST SOME FAT LOSER WITH BRACES. 424 00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:27,233 - NO, NO, YOU WERE CUTE BACK THEN. 425 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,033 [both laugh] 426 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,333 - YOU HAD A MISSION, AND I HAPPENED TO BE THE LUCKY, 427 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,433 VERY LUCKY GUY 428 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,567 WHO GOT TO PUT HIS 17-YEAR-OLD, 429 00:20:38,733 --> 00:20:41,567 3-INCH PENIS 430 00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:46,600 INSIDE YOUR FOOT-LONG-DEEP, 431 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:50,000 18-YEAR-OLD, 432 00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,300 SWEET, SUPER-TIGHT, DELICIOUS-- 433 00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:54,500 YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, YOUR FIRST TIME, 434 00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:56,433 AND IT'S ALWAYS VERY AWKWARD, BUT I REMEMBER IT, IN THE END, 435 00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,500 LIKE, VERY BEAUTIFUL, AND A VERY FOND MEMORY 436 00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:05,267 OF HAVING SEX WITH YOU FOR 15 SECONDS 437 00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:07,400 IN SUE ARBETTER'S PARENTS'... 438 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:12,633 - PARENTS' BED. - BED. 439 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,567 [both laugh] 440 00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:18,100 WHICH BEGS THE OBVIOUS QUESTION, 441 00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:21,833 WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? [laughs] 442 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:25,300 THAT WAS SO AWESOME. 443 00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:27,067 THANK YOU, KAYLA. 444 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:31,200 WOW, WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? 445 00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:36,600 HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN WATCHING THAT AIDS DOCUMENTARY ON FOX? 446 00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:37,933 all: NO. 447 00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:41,567 I THINK IT'S CALLED GLEE. 448 00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:49,267 I HOPE THOSE KIDS ARE OKAY, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 449 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:54,100 BY THE TIME I GOT TO WISCONSIN, I WAS IN FULL ROAST MODE. 450 00:21:54,267 --> 00:21:56,867 MADISON, HOLY SHIT, YOU PEOPLE ARE FAT. 451 00:22:00,633 --> 00:22:01,733 NO OFFENSE. WHAT DO YOU PUT IN THE WATER? 452 00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:04,733 CHOLESTEROL? 453 00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:06,667 I LOST MY VIRGINITY FROM SOMEONE FROM MINNESOTA. 454 00:22:06,833 --> 00:22:08,967 I MOTORBOATED A DUDE TODAY. IT WAS CRAZY. 455 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,167 YOU ARE FAT, WISCONSIN. 456 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,400 LOOK AT ME. 457 00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,767 [cheers and applause] 458 00:22:21,867 --> 00:22:24,167 THIS IS SO CRAZY, WHAT ARE YOU? 459 00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:25,533 COME HERE A SECOND. 460 00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:28,400 LOOK AT THAT! 461 00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:31,600 WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE! 462 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:34,433 OH, MY GOD, COME UP HERE, FELLAS. 463 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:38,600 LET'S FUCKING TURN THIS INTO ERNEST GOES TO A COMEDY SHOW. 464 00:22:38,767 --> 00:22:42,100 I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU GUYS FUCK EACH OTHER, 465 00:22:42,267 --> 00:22:45,433 LIKE COUSINS DO, WISCONSIN STYLE. 466 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,933 LET'S PUT THE "SIN" IN WISCONSIN. 467 00:22:51,267 --> 00:22:53,133 ARE YOU GUYS RELATED OR MARRIED, OR WHAT'S THE STORY? 468 00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:54,900 - NO. 469 00:22:55,067 --> 00:22:56,733 - YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER? 470 00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:58,433 - NOPE. - HOW CAN TWO GUYS BE SO SIMILAR 471 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,833 AND NOT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER? 472 00:23:01,067 --> 00:23:05,467 [mocking guffaw] 473 00:23:05,633 --> 00:23:07,067 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? 474 00:23:07,233 --> 00:23:08,400 - PAUL. - PAUL. 475 00:23:08,567 --> 00:23:10,067 AND, UH? 476 00:23:10,167 --> 00:23:13,067 - LEIF. - "LEAVE"? 477 00:23:13,167 --> 00:23:16,067 LIKE "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE"? 478 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:19,600 AND LOOK AT THIS. HOW YOU DOING, BABY? 479 00:23:19,767 --> 00:23:21,400 COME HERE A SECOND. - OH. 480 00:23:21,567 --> 00:23:25,900 - IF YOU HAD TO FUCK ONE OF THESE... 481 00:23:26,067 --> 00:23:29,167 ESCAPED PRISON INMATE-- 482 00:23:29,333 --> 00:23:31,233 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE. 483 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,667 [laughs] 484 00:23:33,833 --> 00:23:36,133 HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HAVING THE EXACT SAME HAIR ON YOUR FACE 485 00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:39,867 AS I HAVE ON MY BALLS? 486 00:23:40,067 --> 00:23:42,200 ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT? - YEP. 487 00:23:42,367 --> 00:23:43,967 - I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THIS. WHAT DO YOUR KNUCKLES SAY? 488 00:23:44,133 --> 00:23:45,600 COME HERE A SECOND. - "THE TRUTH." 489 00:23:45,767 --> 00:23:47,200 - WHAT'S THAT? - "THE TRUTH." 490 00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:49,433 - THE TRUTH? THE TRUTH? 491 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,067 - YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. - NO, I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH. 492 00:23:52,167 --> 00:23:54,333 IT'S YOU--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH 493 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,600 BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS YOU NEED A FUCKING BATH. 494 00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:58,567 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. 495 00:23:58,733 --> 00:24:03,933 YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT WALK BACK TO THE WOODS. 496 00:24:04,100 --> 00:24:06,400 - THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT? 497 00:24:06,567 --> 00:24:09,767 TELL MOM AND DAD AND COUSINS ALL I SAID HI. 498 00:24:13,067 --> 00:24:15,867 - BEING ON THE ROAD CAN BE LONELY. 499 00:24:16,067 --> 00:24:17,767 ALL RIGHT, NOW SHOW YOUR HEINIE. 500 00:24:17,933 --> 00:24:19,500 WHOO! 501 00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:21,400 SO BY THE TIME I GOT TO VEGAS... 502 00:24:21,567 --> 00:24:23,433 - HEY, JEFF! - I WAS READY TO BANG ANYBODY. 503 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,767 I'D LIKE TO DOUBLE DOWN ON THOSE RIGHT NOW, WHOO! 504 00:24:25,933 --> 00:24:26,967 I'M ALL-IN. 505 00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:28,667 I LOVE COMING TO VEGAS, MAN. 506 00:24:28,833 --> 00:24:29,833 I WANTED TO STAY AT NEW YORK, NEW YORK, 507 00:24:30,067 --> 00:24:31,300 BUT IT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE, 508 00:24:31,467 --> 00:24:35,633 SO I STAYED AT NEWARK, NEWARK. 509 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,267 THERE'S A GUY TAKING A SHIT IN THE LOBBY. 510 00:24:39,433 --> 00:24:41,967 I LIKE WHEN YOU FLY IN, YOU SEE THE LUXOR. 511 00:24:42,133 --> 00:24:43,833 YOU SEE THAT FUCKING-- 512 00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:47,267 THAT BAT-LIGHT FOR FUCKING HOOKERS GOING. 513 00:24:47,433 --> 00:24:49,267 THE TRAMP LAMP. 514 00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:51,067 YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN VEGAS WHEN YOU SEE THAT SHIT, 515 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,467 RIGHT, HONEY-TITS? 516 00:24:54,633 --> 00:24:57,067 I WENT TO THE DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW. 517 00:24:57,167 --> 00:24:58,733 THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. 518 00:24:58,900 --> 00:25:00,567 HE DID HIS BEST TRICK EVER. 519 00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:04,400 HE MADE CRISS ANGEL DISAPPEAR. 520 00:25:05,933 --> 00:25:09,200 WHA-HA! GONE! 521 00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:11,500 - I WANT YOUR SHOES, BITCH! 522 00:25:11,667 --> 00:25:15,233 - I WANT YOUR SHOES, BITCH. 523 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,600 I WANT MY BALLS IN YOUR MOUTH, BITCH. 524 00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,833 IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT IN VEGAS. 525 00:25:22,067 --> 00:25:24,500 THIS IS A SONG THAT MY DAD USED TO PLAY FOR ME 526 00:25:24,667 --> 00:25:27,567 RIGHT BEFORE HE USED TO STICK HIS PINKIE IN MY ASSHOLE. 527 00:25:27,733 --> 00:25:31,100 [playing Dueling Banjos] 528 00:25:31,267 --> 00:25:32,967 THAT'S THE ONLY PART I KNOW. 529 00:25:33,133 --> 00:25:36,067 I USED TO PASS OUT RIGHT AFTER THAT PART. 530 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,533 * 531 00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,900 I REMEMBER THE LYRICS. THE LYRICS WERE... 532 00:25:42,067 --> 00:25:45,533 "SHH." 533 00:25:51,067 --> 00:25:52,833 I KNOW IT'S MARCH MADNESS. 534 00:25:53,067 --> 00:25:56,800 WE MUST HAVE SOME SPORTS FANS IN THIS WEEKEND. 535 00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:02,267 I'M MORE OF A FOOTBALL FAN MYSELF. 536 00:26:02,433 --> 00:26:04,267 I LOVE FOOTBALL. 537 00:26:04,433 --> 00:26:05,967 TOO SOON FOR THE PENN STATE SEX SCANDAL JOKES? 538 00:26:06,133 --> 00:26:08,867 all: NO! 539 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:11,600 IN HONOR OF THE RECENT DEATH OF COACH JOE PATERNO, 540 00:26:11,767 --> 00:26:16,967 I THINK WE SHOULD ALL TAKE 12 YEARS OF SILENCE. 541 00:26:20,433 --> 00:26:22,200 HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY 542 00:26:22,367 --> 00:26:23,333 WHERE A COACH CAN'T WASH HIS PLAYERS' LEGS 543 00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:27,267 AFTER A WORKOUT. 544 00:26:29,233 --> 00:26:31,400 LET'S NOT FORGET WHO THE REAL VICTIMS ARE, 545 00:26:31,567 --> 00:26:35,767 THE GUYS WHO WORK AS JANITORS IN THE PENN STATE LOCKER ROOM. 546 00:26:38,533 --> 00:26:40,533 HEY, I CARE, PEOPLE. 547 00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:43,267 I READ THE FUCKING TEN-PAGE INDICTMENT. 548 00:26:43,433 --> 00:26:48,400 I [bleep] TWICE. I HAD TO PUT IT DOWN. 549 00:26:48,567 --> 00:26:51,867 WE LOST TWO GREAT COMEDIANS FROM THE ROAST WORLD LAST YEAR, 550 00:26:52,067 --> 00:26:54,533 PATRICE O'NEAL AND GREG GIRALDO. 551 00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:58,500 IF YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS, SHOW 'EM SOME LOVE. 552 00:26:58,667 --> 00:27:02,133 IF YOU DON'T KNOW 'EM, LOOK 'EM UP, BUY THEIR STUFF. 553 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,967 IT'S WORTH IT, I PROMISE. 554 00:27:05,133 --> 00:27:06,933 YOU KNOW, WHEN COMEDIANS LOSE PEOPLE, 555 00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:08,500 WE FEEL PAIN MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE. 556 00:27:08,667 --> 00:27:11,167 THAT'S OUR TRADE, PAIN. 557 00:27:11,333 --> 00:27:15,067 IT WAS SO SAD WHEN MY FAVORITE RAPPER, 558 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,867 RIGHT HERE IN VEGAS, TUPAC, WAS MURDERED. 559 00:27:20,067 --> 00:27:23,067 I GUESS NOW HIS NAME WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE BACKWARDS, RIGHT? 560 00:27:23,233 --> 00:27:25,067 CAPUT. 561 00:27:25,233 --> 00:27:28,067 [strumming guitar riff] 562 00:27:28,233 --> 00:27:30,467 * 563 00:27:30,633 --> 00:27:31,700 FOR YEARS, I THOUGHT TUPAC SHAKUR 564 00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:35,267 WAS A JEWISH HOLIDAY. 565 00:27:35,433 --> 00:27:38,767 "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR TUPAC SHAKUR?" 566 00:27:38,933 --> 00:27:40,533 "I DON'T KNOW, IS THAT THE ONE 567 00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:42,600 WHERE YOU DON'T EAT FOR 24 HOURS?" 568 00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:43,867 "I THINK IT'S THE ONE WHERE YOU GET SHOT IN THE FACE 569 00:27:44,067 --> 00:27:44,933 IN LAS VEGAS." 570 00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:48,700 "OH, OKAY." 571 00:27:48,867 --> 00:27:53,533 IN HONOR OF MY DAD, JOE PATERNO, STEVE JOBS, 572 00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:57,300 TUPAC, GREG, AND PATRICE, 573 00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:58,533 ROAST IN PEACE. 574 00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:03,900 * 575 00:28:06,567 --> 00:28:08,400 LOOK AT THESE [bleep] PEOPLE. 576 00:28:08,567 --> 00:28:09,933 - [laughs] - RIGHT? 577 00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:11,800 - THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, YEAH. 578 00:28:11,967 --> 00:28:13,567 - HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN RELATED? 579 00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:15,333 - 23 YEARS. - "TWENTY-TWEE" YEARS? 580 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:17,200 - "TWENTY-TWEE," YEAH. - JESUS. 581 00:28:17,367 --> 00:28:19,133 - I'M FROM BOSTON. - HE'S FROM BOSTON! 582 00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:21,067 - YOUR FUCKING BREATH SMELLS LIKE HER PUSSY, 583 00:28:21,167 --> 00:28:24,400 THAT'S ALL I KNOW. - YEAH, [bleep] RIGHT. 584 00:28:24,567 --> 00:28:26,400 DON'T GET SMART STANDING WHERE YOU ARE, MOTHERFUCKER. 585 00:28:26,567 --> 00:28:29,467 - [laughs] - [laughs] OKAY, THERE, UH... 586 00:28:29,633 --> 00:28:30,700 WERE YOU CROSBY, STILLS, OR NASH? 587 00:28:30,867 --> 00:28:34,233 I NEVER GET-- 588 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,433 WOW, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE-- 589 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,567 - WELL, YOU'RE BETTER LOOKING ON FUCKING TV, I KNOW THAT. 590 00:28:39,733 --> 00:28:41,367 - THANK YOU, YOU'RE VERY UGLY IN PERSON, 591 00:28:41,533 --> 00:28:44,067 JUST FOR THE RECORD. - THANK YOU. 592 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:45,933 - WOW, AND WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? 593 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:47,100 - I'M THE ONE THAT'S BEEN YELLING AT YOU 594 00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:48,967 ALL FUCKING NIGHT. 595 00:28:49,133 --> 00:28:51,700 - WOW, WAY TO GO, YOU FUCKING CUNT. 596 00:28:51,867 --> 00:28:54,367 - WHOO! 597 00:28:54,533 --> 00:28:56,200 - HOW DID SHE GET UP HERE AFTER ALL THAT? 598 00:28:56,367 --> 00:28:58,100 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 599 00:28:58,267 --> 00:29:00,100 - GIVE ME YOUR SHOE, BABY. - SHH SHH SHH. 600 00:29:00,267 --> 00:29:02,200 WHY IS THIS FUCKING DRUNK PERSON UP HERE? 601 00:29:02,367 --> 00:29:04,533 SOMEONE-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 602 00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:06,533 - GOOD JOB, JEFFREY. - OKAY, THANK YOU. 603 00:29:06,700 --> 00:29:08,933 YOU GUYS ARE VERY DISGUSTING. - [bleep] YOU. 604 00:29:09,100 --> 00:29:11,333 - WOW. 605 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:15,267 OH, MY GOD. 606 00:29:15,433 --> 00:29:17,067 - I HEARD YOU LIKE OLDER WOMEN. 607 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:18,667 - OH, MY GOD. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 608 00:29:18,833 --> 00:29:21,167 - BEA ARTHUR. - [laughs] 609 00:29:21,333 --> 00:29:25,700 - I'LL DO THE JOKES, GLADYS, OKAY? 610 00:29:25,867 --> 00:29:27,767 WOW, YOU ARE F-- 611 00:29:27,933 --> 00:29:29,500 - I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THAT'S MY DAUGHTER. 612 00:29:29,667 --> 00:29:32,433 - [laughs] 613 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,667 OH, MY GOD, WE GOT THE WHOLE FUCKING CAST 614 00:29:34,833 --> 00:29:37,833 OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS HERE TODAY. 615 00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:38,933 - DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT. 616 00:29:39,100 --> 00:29:40,800 - WHAT'S THAT? 617 00:29:40,967 --> 00:29:42,867 - DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT. 618 00:29:43,067 --> 00:29:46,333 - I'LL FUCKING TRY THE KNOCKERS ANY TIME YOU LET ME. 619 00:29:46,500 --> 00:29:49,067 - I LIVE IN VEGAS, AND THESE ARE REAL. 620 00:29:49,233 --> 00:29:50,900 - WOW. 621 00:29:51,067 --> 00:29:54,400 I GOTTA JERK OFF RIGHT NOW. 622 00:29:54,567 --> 00:29:56,467 OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE THE SEXIEST STRIPPER 623 00:29:56,633 --> 00:29:59,067 I'VE EVER SEEN. 624 00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:00,767 WOW, LOOK AT YOU. 625 00:30:00,933 --> 00:30:03,767 WHO DOES YOUR HAIR, THE JOKER? 626 00:30:03,933 --> 00:30:06,633 YOU ARE GONNA GET IT TONIGHT. 627 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,367 DON'T LEAVE. DON'T LEAVE, DARLING. 628 00:30:08,533 --> 00:30:09,433 - FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS. 629 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,167 - WHAT'S THAT? 630 00:30:11,333 --> 00:30:12,100 - FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS. 631 00:30:12,267 --> 00:30:14,000 - WOW. 632 00:30:14,167 --> 00:30:15,033 FROM YOUR MOUTH TO MY DICK, HERE WE GO. 633 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,667 WHOO! OW! 634 00:30:17,833 --> 00:30:19,500 I GOT HIT! DID YOU CATCH THAT? 635 00:30:19,667 --> 00:30:21,367 SEVEN SHOWS IN A ROW! - I SAW, I SAW. 636 00:30:21,533 --> 00:30:22,567 - THANK YOU. WHY ARE YOU STILL UP HERE? 637 00:30:22,733 --> 00:30:25,600 - 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU. 638 00:30:25,767 --> 00:30:30,967 - LOOK AT THIS, WE GOT-- THE VERIZON GUY'S HERE TONIGHT. 639 00:30:34,667 --> 00:30:36,267 SIR, COME HERE A SECOND. HOW YOU DOING? 640 00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:37,967 LET'S JUST GET YOU OUT OF THE WAY, 641 00:30:38,133 --> 00:30:40,300 'CAUSE YOU LOOK CREEPY AS SHIT. 642 00:30:40,467 --> 00:30:42,467 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - MARK. 643 00:30:42,633 --> 00:30:44,300 - MARK? 644 00:30:48,433 --> 00:30:50,733 WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK WHILE YOU'RE ONSTAGE? 645 00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:53,067 YOU'RE ON FUCKING CAMERA RIGHT NOW, WHY WOULD YOU--? 646 00:30:53,233 --> 00:30:56,767 - IS THIS COMEDY CENTRAL RIGHT NOW? 647 00:30:56,933 --> 00:30:58,067 - NO, IT'S THE FUCKING HISTORY CHANNEL. 648 00:30:58,233 --> 00:31:01,067 WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? 649 00:31:01,233 --> 00:31:02,767 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DARLING? 650 00:31:02,933 --> 00:31:04,100 - ALICE. - GIVE IT UP FOR ALICE 651 00:31:04,267 --> 00:31:06,067 FOR BEING AN AMAZING SPORT. 652 00:31:06,233 --> 00:31:09,233 SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL AND [bleep] COOL AS HELL. 653 00:31:12,267 --> 00:31:13,500 - COME ON, COUSIN JEFF, 654 00:31:13,667 --> 00:31:15,133 LET'S SHOOT US SOME BIS-KEETS! 655 00:31:15,300 --> 00:31:17,267 PULL! 656 00:31:17,433 --> 00:31:19,267 both: OH! 657 00:31:19,433 --> 00:31:22,133 [laughter] 658 00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:24,400 - THAT'S AWESOME. - PERFECT. 659 00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,600 OH! 660 00:31:27,767 --> 00:31:29,167 - DIE, HECKLER. 661 00:31:29,333 --> 00:31:31,567 MY LAST STOP WAS NASHVILLE. 662 00:31:31,733 --> 00:31:33,500 I FIGURED I'D HEAD IN A COUPLE DAYS EARLY 663 00:31:33,667 --> 00:31:36,600 TO HANG OUT WITH MY CRAZY COUSIN JOHN RICH. 664 00:31:36,767 --> 00:31:38,633 - WELCOME TO TENNESSEE, COUSIN. - WHOO-HOO! 665 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,533 - WHOO, DOGGIES! 666 00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:41,633 - WAIT, WE'RE NOT REALLY COUSINS, ARE WE? 667 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,633 - PROBABLY NOT. 668 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,933 - IF THERE'S ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH, 669 00:31:46,100 --> 00:31:48,667 THEY TREAT EVERYBODY LIKE FAMILY. 670 00:31:48,833 --> 00:31:50,567 WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? 671 00:31:50,733 --> 00:31:53,433 HOO! YEAH! 672 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,967 THANK YOU, MAN. THANK YOU. 673 00:31:56,133 --> 00:31:58,733 YEAH. 674 00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:07,067 WHOO! HOT DIGGITY WHOO-HOO-HA! 675 00:32:07,167 --> 00:32:12,367 THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR ROASTING, MOTHERFUCKERS. 676 00:32:14,633 --> 00:32:18,633 WOW, WHAT A SHITHOLE. 677 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,567 I WANT TO SEE IF PEOPLE FROM NASHVILLE 678 00:32:20,733 --> 00:32:22,433 HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, THAT'S MY GOAL. 679 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:26,533 I KNOW YOU HAVE A HIGH LIQUOR TOLERANCE. 680 00:32:26,700 --> 00:32:28,900 WHAT'S THAT? 681 00:32:29,067 --> 00:32:32,700 - I NEED ANOTHER COCKTAIL. - HOLY SHIT. 682 00:32:34,900 --> 00:32:36,467 I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY SLUR AND STUTTER 683 00:32:36,633 --> 00:32:40,433 AT THE SAME TIME. 684 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,133 WOW. 685 00:32:42,300 --> 00:32:43,433 - YEAH! [incoherent shouting] 686 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,533 - GET HER A REALITY SHOW. 687 00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:50,867 LOOK AT THIS FUCKING COUNTRY SNOOKI OVER HERE. 688 00:32:51,067 --> 00:32:54,500 WHAT'S UP? 689 00:32:54,667 --> 00:32:56,333 YOU REALLY WANT TO COME UP HERE ALREADY? 690 00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:58,600 - YEAH. - [bleep] CLIMBING OVER SHIT. 691 00:32:58,767 --> 00:33:01,400 - [slurring] BRING ME DOWN, BABY. 692 00:33:01,567 --> 00:33:03,400 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 693 00:33:03,567 --> 00:33:05,167 - OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA GET SOME PURELL. 694 00:33:05,333 --> 00:33:08,467 WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA DO? 695 00:33:08,633 --> 00:33:10,100 HELP. NO, NOT REALLY. 696 00:33:10,267 --> 00:33:11,767 I GOT THIS. - BRING IT. 697 00:33:11,933 --> 00:33:13,767 - I GOT THIS. - BRING IT. 698 00:33:13,933 --> 00:33:15,867 - WHAT'S YOUR STORY, BABY? - I DON'T KNOW YET. 699 00:33:16,067 --> 00:33:17,900 - OH, MY GOD, IS YOUR PINKIE IN MY ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW? 700 00:33:18,067 --> 00:33:21,100 - I'M SUPPOSED TO BE-- I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT HOME. 701 00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:22,900 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT HOME? - YEAH. 702 00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:25,700 - BUT THEY, UH, THEY REPOSSESSED IT? 703 00:33:25,867 --> 00:33:27,733 - MAYBE. 704 00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:30,067 MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW. 705 00:33:30,167 --> 00:33:33,367 WHAT DO YOU WANT? 706 00:33:36,233 --> 00:33:39,433 - MY WALLET BACK, FOR STARTERS. 707 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,067 - YEAH. 708 00:33:41,167 --> 00:33:43,900 [giggles] SHUT UP. 709 00:33:44,067 --> 00:33:45,667 WHOO. 710 00:33:45,833 --> 00:33:47,833 - LOOK AT YOU. 711 00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,200 I DIDN'T KNOW THEY PAID HOOKERS BY THE POUND AROUND HERE. 712 00:33:49,367 --> 00:33:51,367 THAT'S [bleep] SWEET. 713 00:33:51,533 --> 00:33:53,633 - OH! 714 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:59,267 - [gibberish singing] 715 00:34:01,167 --> 00:34:03,100 - I'M NOT THAT FAT. - NO... 716 00:34:03,267 --> 00:34:07,700 YEAH, YOU ARE, COME ON. LET'S FACE IT. 717 00:34:07,867 --> 00:34:10,267 - UH-- 718 00:34:10,433 --> 00:34:15,433 - I DID NOT EXPECT THE SHOW TO START OUT LIKE THIS. 719 00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,667 - DIS ME, DIS ME. LET'S DO THIS. 720 00:34:17,833 --> 00:34:20,100 - ALL RIGHT, I GOT A GREAT IDEA. IF YOU CAN STAND STILL FOR... 721 00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:21,800 - I WILL. - FOR TEN--MOVE INTO THE LIGHT-- 722 00:34:21,967 --> 00:34:24,567 FOR FIVE SECONDS, ALL RIGHT? 723 00:34:24,733 --> 00:34:27,367 NO, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND. 724 00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:32,067 NO, NO, FACE ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? 725 00:34:32,167 --> 00:34:36,100 - OKAY. 726 00:34:36,267 --> 00:34:39,267 - YOU'RE READY TO GO, AREN'T YOU? 727 00:34:39,433 --> 00:34:43,067 YOU'D LET ME FUCK YOU ON THIS KEYBOARD, WOULDN'T YOU? 728 00:34:43,233 --> 00:34:45,467 HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD ON A SECOND. 729 00:34:45,633 --> 00:34:47,467 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 730 00:34:47,633 --> 00:34:48,600 - PAM. 731 00:34:48,767 --> 00:34:50,067 - OKAY, HOLD ON. 732 00:34:50,167 --> 00:34:53,500 I JUST WANT TO SAY... 733 00:34:53,667 --> 00:34:55,467 THAT I'VE ALWAYS LOVED-- - ACTUALLY-- 734 00:34:55,633 --> 00:34:57,133 - SHH, SHH, SHH. - THAT'S OUR FOOD, ACTUALLY. 735 00:34:57,300 --> 00:34:58,933 - I LOVE YOU. I'VE LOVED YOU 736 00:34:59,100 --> 00:35:00,867 SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THIS SHOW. 737 00:35:01,067 --> 00:35:03,567 AND WITH THIS ONION RING, I THEE WED. 738 00:35:03,733 --> 00:35:05,633 WILL YOU MARRY ME, PAM? - YEAH! 739 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:10,367 - THANK YOU. - YAY! 740 00:35:10,533 --> 00:35:12,233 - WOW. - YAY! 741 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,167 - THANK YOU FOR THE EBOLA VIRUS. 742 00:35:14,333 --> 00:35:16,767 GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. 743 00:35:16,933 --> 00:35:19,800 BE CAREFUL, PAM. YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT. 744 00:35:19,967 --> 00:35:21,833 OH, MY GOD, 745 00:35:22,067 --> 00:35:24,800 I'M GETTING THE WHOLE FUCKING THING RIGHT HERE. 746 00:35:24,967 --> 00:35:26,767 WOW, YOU HAVE THE TITS OF AN ANGEL 747 00:35:26,933 --> 00:35:31,400 AND THE ASS OF A PLUMBER. 748 00:35:34,867 --> 00:35:39,067 BABY JESUS. 749 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:41,900 LIFE IS SHORT, MAKE AS MUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE. 750 00:35:42,067 --> 00:35:44,300 I MEAN, I READ A CRAZY ARTICLE 751 00:35:44,467 --> 00:35:47,200 IN THE NEW YORK TIMES SCIENCE SECTION. 752 00:35:47,367 --> 00:35:49,167 SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS. 753 00:35:49,333 --> 00:35:51,067 SOME MEDICAL RESEARCHERS THINK THAT BLOW JOBS 754 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:55,100 COULD POTENTIALLY CAUSE CANCER. 755 00:35:55,267 --> 00:35:58,533 DON'T PANIC, LADY. 756 00:35:58,700 --> 00:36:00,600 IT'S NOT PROVEN YET. 757 00:36:00,767 --> 00:36:02,667 SOME DOCTORS THINK THAT THERE COULD BE A VIRUS 758 00:36:02,833 --> 00:36:04,400 IN THE MAN'S SEMEN THAT, IF IT GETS IN YOUR THROAT, 759 00:36:04,567 --> 00:36:06,600 COULD CAUSE CANCER. 760 00:36:06,767 --> 00:36:08,967 THEY HAVEN'T PROVED IT YET. WE'LL KNOW WHEN THAT'S PROVEN 761 00:36:09,133 --> 00:36:11,533 'CAUSE THAT'LL BE THE BIGGEST STORY IN HISTORY. 762 00:36:11,700 --> 00:36:15,100 OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, BLOW JOBS CAUSE CANC--WAIT, HOLD ON. 763 00:36:15,267 --> 00:36:17,067 [exhales] 764 00:36:17,233 --> 00:36:20,233 WE FOUND A CURE FOR BLOW JOB CANCER. 765 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,300 WHEW! 766 00:36:23,467 --> 00:36:25,133 SORRY, BREAST CANCER, 767 00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:27,933 YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER. 768 00:36:28,100 --> 00:36:31,700 DOCTORS HAD AN EMERGENCY. 769 00:36:31,867 --> 00:36:34,933 I REPEAT, BLOW JOBS DO NOT CAUSE CANCER. 770 00:36:35,100 --> 00:36:36,567 THAT WOULD BE TOUGH NEWS TO SWALLOW. 771 00:36:36,733 --> 00:36:38,667 BACK TO YOU, KATIE. 772 00:36:38,833 --> 00:36:40,467 THANKS, BOB. 773 00:36:40,633 --> 00:36:43,767 IN OTHER NEWS, JEFF ROSS IS IN TOWN. 774 00:36:43,933 --> 00:36:45,667 NO, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M A GOOD LOVER. 775 00:36:45,833 --> 00:36:47,833 I'M GOOD AT THE-- THE BUILD-UP, YOU KNOW? 776 00:36:48,067 --> 00:36:50,733 THE--THE RAMP-UP. THE PREPRODUCTION. 777 00:36:50,900 --> 00:36:53,133 THE, YOU KNOW, THE FOREPLAY. 778 00:36:53,300 --> 00:36:56,067 WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE-- [imitates bed squeaking] 779 00:36:56,167 --> 00:37:00,067 I'M GONE IN 60 SECONDS. 780 00:37:00,233 --> 00:37:02,600 I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND WE NEED A SYSTEM, YOU KNOW? 781 00:37:02,767 --> 00:37:05,133 KEEP ME FROM HAVING AN ORGASM SO FAST. 782 00:37:05,300 --> 00:37:07,067 I SAID, "WHAT IF YOU JUST, LIKE, WHISPER-- 783 00:37:07,233 --> 00:37:09,600 "IF WE HAD A CODE WORD THAT YOU JUST WHISPERED 784 00:37:09,767 --> 00:37:11,967 "THAT WOULD MAKE ME, LIKE, FLIP THE SWITCH IN MY HEAD 785 00:37:12,133 --> 00:37:14,133 AND NOT-- AND JUST LAST LONGER." 786 00:37:14,300 --> 00:37:16,067 SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR CODE WORD TO BE?" 787 00:37:16,167 --> 00:37:17,867 AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW? 788 00:37:18,067 --> 00:37:19,100 I JUST THOUGHT OF THE WORST THING EVER 789 00:37:19,267 --> 00:37:20,900 THAT CAME TO MY MIND. 790 00:37:21,067 --> 00:37:22,100 I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, JUST SAY, UH, 791 00:37:22,267 --> 00:37:25,533 JUST SAY 'HOLOCAUST.'" 792 00:37:25,700 --> 00:37:29,733 COUPLE MORNINGS LATER, WE'RE MAKING LOVE, AND-- 793 00:37:29,900 --> 00:37:33,100 NOTHING BETTER THAN SOME MORNING LOVE, 794 00:37:33,267 --> 00:37:36,500 AND WE'RE HAVING SOME GRITS AND BAGELS. 795 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,400 AND WE'RE MAKING LOVE, AND IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL, 796 00:37:42,567 --> 00:37:44,767 AND SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL, I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE. 797 00:37:44,933 --> 00:37:46,900 AND SUDDENLY, SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR, SHE SAYS, 798 00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:49,700 "I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE POOR 6 MILLION JEWS WHO DIED 799 00:37:49,867 --> 00:37:52,700 IN THE CONCENTRATION CAMP AT AUSCHWITZ." 800 00:37:52,867 --> 00:37:56,367 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 801 00:37:56,533 --> 00:38:01,567 I DON'T WANT A WIKIPEDIA PRINTOUT RIGHT NOW." 802 00:38:01,733 --> 00:38:02,800 THEN I CAME ON HER TITS AND KILLED 803 00:38:02,967 --> 00:38:06,067 ANOTHER 6 MILLION JEWS. 804 00:38:10,467 --> 00:38:13,067 TOO SOON? 805 00:38:13,233 --> 00:38:14,700 NEVER TOO SOON. 806 00:38:17,633 --> 00:38:19,733 [bar piano music] 807 00:38:19,900 --> 00:38:20,800 - ALL RIGHT, NASHVILLE, LET'S FINISH THIS UP 808 00:38:20,967 --> 00:38:22,800 WITH A POEM. 809 00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:24,100 [cheers and applause] 810 00:38:24,267 --> 00:38:27,233 YEAH! 811 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:28,400 FUCK YEAH! 812 00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:30,467 THIS IS AWESOME! 813 00:38:30,633 --> 00:38:33,567 THIS IS MEGAN MULLINS, AN AMAZING, AMAZING MUSICIAN. 814 00:38:33,733 --> 00:38:38,233 JOHN RICH, ONE OF THE TOP SONGWRITERS IN HISTORY. 815 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,967 - I TRIED TO FIND A COWBOY HAT TO FIT YOU. 816 00:38:42,133 --> 00:38:43,200 - [laughs] 817 00:38:43,367 --> 00:38:45,967 - I LOOKED ALL DAY. 818 00:38:46,133 --> 00:38:47,800 I FOUND A COUPLE THAT WOULD FIT YOUR HEAD, 819 00:38:47,967 --> 00:38:49,567 BUT NONE OF 'EM COVERED UP YOUR FACE, 820 00:38:49,733 --> 00:38:51,767 SO I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY OF 'EM. 821 00:38:51,933 --> 00:38:55,667 - WOW, I LOVE THAT. 822 00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,400 - TODAY, WE WERE SHOOTING GUNS, AND-- 823 00:38:58,567 --> 00:39:00,267 AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOU THOUGHT A 9-MILLIMETER 824 00:39:00,433 --> 00:39:03,500 WAS A BIG GUN. 825 00:39:03,667 --> 00:39:05,400 BUT THEN IT ALSO OCCURRED TO ME 826 00:39:05,567 --> 00:39:08,233 THAT YOU MEASURE YOUR DICK BY CENTIMETERS. 827 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,867 - [laughs] 828 00:39:12,067 --> 00:39:15,067 [mic thuds] 829 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:19,167 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ROASTING THE ROASTMASTER. 830 00:39:19,333 --> 00:39:22,967 BIG & RICH. SAVE A HORSE (RIDE A COWBOY). 831 00:39:23,133 --> 00:39:25,667 HOW ABOUT SAVE MY EARDRUMS, WRITE A NEW SONG? 832 00:39:28,967 --> 00:39:30,067 HUH. 833 00:39:30,167 --> 00:39:31,833 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 834 00:39:32,067 --> 00:39:33,800 JOHN RICH HAS DONE FOR COUNTRY MUSIC 835 00:39:33,967 --> 00:39:36,533 WHAT FLAVOR FLAV HAS DONE FOR COUNTRY MUSIC. 836 00:39:36,700 --> 00:39:39,533 [bluegrass music] 837 00:39:39,700 --> 00:39:41,633 * 838 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,100 WOW. 839 00:39:45,267 --> 00:39:48,100 MUSIC CITY. 840 00:39:48,267 --> 00:39:56,100 * 841 00:39:56,267 --> 00:39:57,900 [whistling] 842 00:40:02,933 --> 00:40:05,700 IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODY YOU CARE ABOUT, 843 00:40:05,867 --> 00:40:08,900 YOU MIGHT WANT TO JOIN HANDS. 844 00:40:09,067 --> 00:40:12,100 THIS IS A LOVE POEM. 845 00:40:12,267 --> 00:40:15,833 IT'S CALLED BABY, MOVE OVER. 846 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,933 * 847 00:40:19,100 --> 00:40:21,933 "BABY, MOVE OVER. 848 00:40:22,100 --> 00:40:24,933 I'M ON THE WET SPOT." 849 00:40:25,100 --> 00:40:29,533 * 850 00:40:29,700 --> 00:40:33,267 "FUCK YOU, BABY. YOU MOVE OVER. 851 00:40:33,433 --> 00:40:35,867 IT'S YOUR WET SPOT." 852 00:40:36,033 --> 00:40:39,200 * 853 00:40:39,367 --> 00:40:43,200 "FUCK YOU, BABY. IT'S OUR WET SPOT." 854 00:40:43,367 --> 00:40:46,967 "I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH." 855 00:40:47,133 --> 00:40:50,233 "ALL RIGHT, WELL, NICE MEETING YOU." 856 00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:52,700 THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY. 857 00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:56,033 I LOVE YOU GUYS SO, SO MUCH. 858 00:40:56,200 --> 00:41:00,633 * 859 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,233 I JUST WANT TO SAY, UH, 860 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,933 I'VE BEEN IN SO MANY CITIES ON THIS TOUR, 861 00:41:07,100 --> 00:41:09,200 AND I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH. 862 00:41:09,367 --> 00:41:13,133 AMERICANS EVERYWHERE I GO HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR, 863 00:41:13,300 --> 00:41:15,467 ESPECIALLY ABOUT THEMSELVES. 864 00:41:15,633 --> 00:41:17,967 SO THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING GREAT SPORTS. 865 00:41:18,133 --> 00:41:20,500 I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, BUT NOT TOO SOON. 866 00:41:20,667 --> 00:41:23,233 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. 867 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,200 [cheers and applause] 868 00:41:25,367 --> 00:41:27,400 BYE, EVERYBODY. BYE, EVERYBODY. 869 00:41:27,567 --> 00:41:29,767 THANK YOU. 870 00:41:29,933 --> 00:41:32,300 - ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD ALREADY. 871 00:41:37,067 --> 00:41:38,600 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - COURTNEY. 872 00:41:38,767 --> 00:41:40,067 COURTNEY. I GOTTA JUST JERK OFF FOR A SECOND. 873 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,300 I GOTTA JERK OFF. HOLD ON. 874 00:41:43,467 --> 00:41:45,900 I GOTTA JERK OFF RIGHT NOW. 875 00:41:48,867 --> 00:41:50,067 THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVER. 59290

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