Original subtitles

Is the orchestra tuning?

Fifteen seconds.

She's good.

Good, huh?

Yes, she's good.

As good as you?

Maybe.

Better.

She was only showing how good she is.

I know how good she is,

or she wouldn't be with us.

There is to be no fighting amongst us.

Understood?

Here they come.

Oh, I wish you wouldn't smoke.

We should never have sent you to America.

You picked up such appalling habits there.

And nobody smokes in Lugash.

That's different. Mmm.

Of course.

There's nothing wrong with America, father.

My mother was American. You married her.

Your mother never smoked.

Well, I'm surprised you noticed.

She wasn't dead three weeks before you married that woman.

You'll no doubt be pleased to know...

That I am about to pay the price for that folly.

Then the rumor is true?

Yes, it would seem so.

But, Yasmin, please keep it to yourself.

I don't want to alert your stepmother until I have proof.

Card.

Praise Allah somebody in this family is lucky.

Hmm.

Cash this in.

How did you know I can be trusted?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were one of my bodyguards. It's all right.

Uh, what's the going rate on a slap these days?

You're cheap.

I must apologize for my daughter.

She's a very high-spirited girl.

It looks like a distress flare.

Yasmin, get in your cabin.

Wait a minute. Now!

Gentlemen.

Ah!

Haven't we met before?

Not formally.

Now, be a nice little princess

and go to sleep.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall

Ninety-nine bottles of beer

You take one down and you pass it around

Ninety...

Hi, Dad!

Four.

Ninety-four bottles.

The safety of your daughter depends on two things.

First, $100 million

discreetly deposited into a Swiss account.

No problem.

Second, to abdicate.

Renounce the throne?

That is impossible.

Then Yasmin will die.

Who is to succeed me?

All in good time.

What a shame.

I enjoyed your company at the tables.

And I yours.

Hey, stop!

I said stop!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

We haven't time to humor some bumpkin cop.

Lose him.

I said stop!

Hey!

Hey! Can you hear me?

Hey, hey!

I think we've lost him.

Yeah.

Look out!

Are you all right?

Yes. No!

One of my passengers is hurt.

No wonder.

The way you drive, you're lucky they are not all dead.

The way I drive? Yes.

Could we please settle this at the hospital?

No. I'm Police Commissioner Dreyfus.

I demand to see your driver's license.

As you wish.

Hey! Hey!

Ha!

That felt good.

Now then, is anyone hurt?

Yes, in the van.

My sister is unconscious.

She is? She should be taken to the hospital.

Where is she? Uh, in the van.

Excuse me, your sister is in his van?

No, you see... No, it is not my van.

Look, I'm Commissioner Dreyfus,

if you would allow me... Excuse me. Just a moment.

Just a moment.

When... Excuse me. When I asked you if anyone was hurt,

you replied, "Yes, in my van."

No, no. I said, "Yes, in the van,"

not, "In my van."

No, no. You did not say, "Yes, in the van."

Not, "Yes, in the van."

You said... You did not say, "Yes, my van," not "Yes, the van."

Look. Did... You said, "Yes, my van," not "Yes, in the van."

Did you hear what I just said? Yes. I heard.

It's my van.

Oh. Now we're getting someplace.

Listen, you imbecile... Better watch your tongue, monsieur.

I am an officer of the leau.

What?

I said I... I know what you said.

You said you're an officer of the

leau.

FRANCOIS: The what? Please.

My sister may be dying.

Okay.

Please, please, stand back. Stand back, please.

You've been hunting?

Yes. Hunting. hunting.

Very perceptive.

Hello.

Hello.

Who are you?

I am Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli,

Second Class.

Who are you?

I am...

Your sister is very,

very unconscious.

Yes. I suspect she has received the beump on the head.

What?

Bump.

What?

Oh, never mind. Come, Francois.

Yes. She requires the immediate emergency treatment,

Mister... Um...

Jones.

Jones.

Take her quickly to the Nice hospital, Mr. Jones,

and I will phone ahead to...

To tell them that you're...

Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, please stop!

Wait! Mr. Jones, my hand, my finger!

Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones!

Mr... Mr. Jones!

Mr. Jones, please stop!

Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones!

My glove! My glove!

Hey!

There is no time now to examine your credentials

and make out the report, but I have the idea.

You shall drive me.

You shall drive me to the nearest phone,

and... Wait!

I'm sorry we are late,

but we've had a car accident.

Oh, nothing too serious, I trust.

We are lucky to be alive.

Please. Please.

Now, Chief. Listen.

Normally, investigation of crimes

committed in French territorial waters

is your responsibility.

But as this kidnapping is politically so important to the government,

the President has ordered me to personally take charge of the case.

Now, understand, it's not that he thinks you are less qualified.

Perhaps he feels, after all, that I am, uh...

More qualified.

Hmm, well...

So, what are your orders?

Well, first I'll want to know everything that is known about the case.

Well, this is everything we have to date.

Oh, good.

Then I'll want your best man as liaison.

That would be Gambrelli.

I'll study this report tonight,

and I'll see you here in the morning at 9:00.

Right. Oh, by the way, um,

there was a police officer at the accident.

How shall I, uh...

He had an odd way of speaking.

Mispronouncing words.

No...

Crashed his bicycle into our car.

Doesn't ring a bell, no. No?

Well, perhaps it's not that important.

See you in the morning.

Oh, God.

I was... This way, Your Highness.

I need water. Yes, yes, yes.

And I need some aspirin. Uh-huh. Sure, sure.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick. Can you get me water?

Sure. Yes. Right away.

Take your clothes off.

No.

Take your clothes off!

No.

Okay, I'll do it for you.

Let... Get your hands off me!

You get your...

What about the cop?

The longer we wait...

He will probably show up at the hospital.

And abdicate the throne?

Yes.

Are you willing to accede to their demands?

And, Arnon,

I'm afraid that I cannot answer that...

Try to make it look like an accident.

Until these people have been in touch.

What makes you think he will show up?

Oh, just a hunch.

Look.

He won't be long.

Why not?

Because there was something phony about Mr. Jones

and those hunters with their automatic weapon.

I think Mr. Jones just wanted to get out of there.

I don't believe he had any intention

of taking his sister to the hospital.

Looks like you might be right.

Good evening.

Hey!

What is he doing?

What does it look like he's doing?

Hey! I... I can't...

I...

Oh, no.

What if he drowns?

He can't. Not yet.

What am I doing? I can't swim. Help! Help!

What's wrong?

I can't swim.

Neither can I.

Then why aren't you drowning?

Because it's easier to stand.

What?

Yes.

Who are you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli, Second Class.

Who are you?

Commissioner Dreyfus, police.

Come on, Gambrelli. I'll give you a lift home.

But why would the man in the van want to kill me?

Maybe it had something to do with the unconscious girl.

You had a good look at her. We didn't.

"She walks in beauty, like the night

"Of cloudless climes and starry skies."

Very poetic.

Yes. Leurd Byron.

Leurd?

Thank you for the lift, Commissioner. Good night.

Wait here.

Do you live here alone, Gambrelli?

Oh, no, I live with my mother.

Ah. Uh, I'd like to meet your mother.

Why not? Everybody wants to meet my mother.

Oh, excuse me, Ma.

Oh, this is Police Commissioner Dreyfus. He wants to meet you.

How do you do, Mrs. Gambrelli?

I hope it's not too late.

No, no. Please come in, Commissioner.

I'm sorry I'm a bit wet.

I'm... I'm sorry I'm...

I'm a bit wet, yes. Please, have a seat, Commissioner.

Right. Yes. Thank you.

I am just going upstairs, to change my clothes.

Do you speak Italian, Commissioner?

No, not really.

Darling. Yes?

Now bring the Commissioner down one of your robes.

Yes.

Jacques!

He's just like his father.

Would you care to join me in the kitchen?

I would indeed.

Refreshing to hear some good singing for a change.

Jacques loves opera.

Are you musically inclined, madame?

No.

His father?

He played the French horn.

Oh. That probably accounts for it.

Why did you name him Jacques?

Why not? It's a perfectly good French name.

Yes, but you're Italian.

I knew a man once named Jacques.

When he died 10 years ago,

I said, "Thank God there can never, never be another one like him."

And then I... I met your son.

So I decided he would be better off if he never knew.

You mean his father is...

Clouseau.

No! It can't be!

It can't be!

Commissioner?

Your Highness.

Yasmin.

I have a little snackie for you.

Under different circumstances,

we could have had such fun.

What happened?

Make sure she doesn't get out again.

We need to get you a doctor.

Oh, dear. Come, gentlemen, let us begin.

You shouldn't have done that.

Now we're all unsterilized.

How are you?

Terrible.

Oh, no doubt it was a beum.

A what?

A bomb.

A bomb!

Oh, you should rest, Charles.

How do you know my first name?

You told me in the ambulance.

That's strange. I don't remember.

But I remember you.

You said, "My name is Charley Dreyfus,

"and I'm going to be a policeman."

I used to say that

as a child.

I must have been delirious.

No, you were very sweet.

I was?

Yes.

Huh? What's this? What's this?

Some... Something's happened.

What?

Jacques!

I'll report this...

What are you doing?

Jacques!

What are you doing? Give me that bowl.

Give it to me.

Stop it.

Something terrible has happened.

There. There.

Now, don't play with it again.

Yes. Thank you, nurse.

Oh, dear. No, no, no. You should relax now.

No, I can't. I can't relax.

I have to tell him something.

What's his name, your son? Jacques.

Jacques. Jacques. Listen, Jacques.

I wanted to tell you, you are in great danger.

I am?

Francois, where's the Chief's report?

Here.

There.

You remember the unconscious girl you saw in the van?

Oh, how could I ever forget her?

"Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!"

Jacques loves poetry.

Yes, I know. I want you to look at this photograph.

My God, but it is she. But how did you know?

A hunch. A what?

A heunch.

A heunch. But who is she?

What is she doing in the Chief's file?

She's Princess Yasmin.

Princess!

Kidnapped? Isn't she beautiful, mother?

Hmm, not bad for a princess. Oh.

Commissioner. At ease, Gambrelli.

I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, madame.

Thank you, Chief.

And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

And I am particularly happy that you assigned me Officer Gambrelli.

Really? Without him, I might have not discovered

that the princess was being held here, in the South of France.

I'll put out a general alarm immediately.

You will do nothing of the kind till I give the word.

In the meantime,

Officer Gambrelli's mother needs a safe place to stay,

so, as I'm going to be here for a while, she can have my suite at the hotel.

Oh, no, but I can't.

But you must, please.

Whatever they need, Francois. Round-the-clock protection, Chief.

God bless you.

Get out!

Wait, I... I, um...

I just remembered something that I forgot to tell the Commissioner.

I will bring the car around.

No, no, no. If it's not too much trouble,

I would prefer that you take my mother

to the hotel and then come back for me.

You go that way.

Dirty little man!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Why don't we just ask for a doctor?

Don't worry. We'll find one.

Doctor.

If you're looking for a doctor

I am a very good doctor

See you in surgery.

Ambulance!

Excuse me. Yes?

Are you a doctor?

Yes. I am a very good doctor.

Well, would you mind coming with us, please?

Oh, that would be a delight.

You are looking as beautiful as ever.

And you're still the quintessential flatterer.

We haven't been in this place together for...

How long?

Ten years?

At least.

You wanted to see me.

Why?

I felt I should lend my support.

That's very considerate of you.

I believe one of the ransom conditions

is that you abdicate your throne.

Yes.

You'd do that?

It's possible,

as long as my successor is not an army man.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

I won't forget that.

Obviously he doesn't have much faith in the military.

Just his way of saying that he knows we're sleeping together.

You think that's all he knows?

Mmm-hmm.

Or by now you'd be soup for my supper.

Yes?

The doctor.

Finally.

Come in, Doctor.

Yes. Good evening.

Good evening. Evening.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Ah, you have received the blemish in your arm, huh?

Yes. I believe it may require some stitches. What do you think?

Oh, yes. I think

you need something to keep you from fainting.

Yes, you must take deep breaths like this.

You see? Then you don't faint.

But deep, very, very deep.

What happened?

You hyperventilated.

I did? Where?

You fainted. Oh, yes, I know.

Well, are you going to stitch up my arm or not?

Of course.

Of course I am going to stitch up your...

Up your...

But first, I must check

if you are

physically fit.

Fit as a fiddle. Very good.

And now...

And now I must check your reflex.

Flex as a fiddle.

Very good.

Now,

now...

Oh!

Here...

Yeah, I've got a spare in here somewhere

I... Ah! Here.

Ah!

This is very good. You know what this is?

Very good.

My dentist uses this.

He pulled my

wisdom tooth and I didn't even feel it.

Novocaine.

No, no, no. No.

This, his name is Fishburn.

Dr. Marvin Fishburn. Yes?

I highly recommend him

if you are in need of...

It seems I have stabbed myself

in the cheek, yes?

Now, before I can stitch up your arm,

I must inject it.

Hold still.

Hold... Hold still.

Hold still.

Yes.

Very good.

Good.

Now, okay...

It's...

This...

Now it's getting very late

and I think, oh,

I get back

in the hospital in surgery.

I am due in surgery.

Eh?

Bye-bye.

Oh!

On second thought,

I am in no condition

to operate.

Is better if I stay here, huh?

With you.

If you need me, I am here with you.

I am here.

Now, just relax.

If you need me...

HANS: We've run into a slight complication

which makes it impractical for us to stay here any longer.

Yeah, yeah, if all goes well, we should be in Darfur by tomorrow afternoon.

"But, soft!

"Soft! What light

"through yonder window breaks?

"Oh, it is the east,

"and Juliet is the sun!"

Romeo?

Uh, no,

Jacques.

You know what they say? No.

Yes.

"A rose by any other name..."

"Would smell as sweet."

Yes.

What are you doing here, sweetie?

I came to rescue you, you, you.

Here, hold your breath.

My breath? Mmm-hmm.

Longer.

I can't. Oh.

Here, we'll try again. Go...

It's no use.

Well,

There's one other way, okay?

Now, it's... It's a little extreme, but it always works.

Hello? Did I wake you?

No.

Are you alone?

No. I am in bed with a beautiful woman.

Don't tease.

Even in fun.

I just spoke to our friend in France.

Something's come up and he plans to visit Uncle Idris.

QUEEN: So soon?

Evidently he had no alternative.

Rumor has it that the king is returning to the city tomorrow.

Good.

This place is getting a little too close to Uncle Idris for comfort.

Will I see you tomorrow?

Of course.

Good night.

No more hiccups.

Amazing. But how did you discover it?

I was, uh, engaged, to a football player

when I was in college in the States,

and he, uh, always had the hiccups.

Ah, who could blame him?

How about you?

I never have hiccups.

Oh, never?

But if I ever do, I hope you're somewhere in the neighborhood.

Oh, I would consider it an honor and privilege to be of assistance.

How long have you been a policeman, Officer Gambrelli?

Oh, three years next May. Yes?

How long have you been a princess, Your Highness?

All my life.

Oh, that's a long time to be anything.

Yes.

Do you like being a cop?

Yes, sometimes. How is it being a princess?

It's not much fun.

Oh, fun is important.

Yes.

What else is important to you?

Um, singing.

Yes? Oh!

That's terrible.

Yes. Yes.

And poetry.

"Parent of golden dreams, romance!

"Auspicious Queen of childish joys

"Who lead'st along, in airy dance."

That's Byron.

Yes.

Yes.

And, uh, and the rain.

Yes. And sleeping.

Mmm-hmm. And... And... And my mother.

You like your mother? Yes. Very much, yes.

And women.

Yeah, what kinds of women?

Oh, all kinds.

Especially

dark women with blue eyes

and full red lips

who smell like night-blooming jasmine

and taste like a warm mango.

Warm mango?

And honey.

Oh, my God.

Mine, too.

Playing doctor?

We're all going on a little trip,

and I think you'll be much more comfortable

if you sleep throughout the journey.

Touch her, and you'll answer to me.

Easy, easy.

There will be nothing left of him when that goes off.

He's coming out of it.

Let's go.

You are driving too fast.

Oh, mother.

Jacques, I was so worried.

The princess, they have taken the princess.

Please, Jacques.

I have to stop them.

You see? You're not supposed to get up.

Oh, but I must tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

I will tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

Who is Uncle Idris?

Uncle Idris? I... I don't know.

I remember he is someone

that they were going to Darfur to visit Uncle Idris.

Okay.

Just keep quiet.

Uncle Idris.

Uncle Idris.

Well? They said he was in room 408.

I'll check.

Hello? Hello?

How is he?

It was all I could do to keep Jacques from getting out of bed

and coming down here to tell you about someone named Uncle Idris.

Idris?

He said he overheard someone say they were going to Darfur.

Darfur. That's a small military republic that borders Lugash.

Charles.

Yes, Maria?

I'm worried about Jacques.

There, there.

If he's anything like his father,

he'll be all right. He'll manage.

But that's the trouble.

He's too much like his father.

That's why I disappeared, came here,

and encouraged him to be a musician or a poet.

But in spite of everything, he was determined to be a policeman.

Can you protect him, Charles?

Soon I must tell him who his father was.

His father, yes, was an idiot.

I mean...

Yes, but I can't tell him that.

No, of course you can't.

Clouseau has always been his hero.

Can you imagine if you longed to be a great fisherman

and you suddenly discovered that your father was Captain Ahab?

Come. Sit here. Tell me

you and Clouseau.

I was very young.

I know, but I still don't understand.

You, such a beautiful woman...

We were caught in a snowstorm.

I knew we would freeze to death unless we kept moving.

He said the Alaskan Indians kept from freezing to death by making love.

I was young. I wanted to live.

I hope you're not offended.

No.

It's just too bad you didn't have a stationary bicycle

or a rowing machine or something.

But then I would not have had Jacques.

Exactly.

No, no. Of course, that would have been a pity.

Tell me.

Don't you think it would be best

if you told him about his father now,

rather than having to find out for himself later on?

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Yes?

Wow, Chief, you look a bit frazzled.

Why not?

Officer Gambrelli just pushed me out of the window.

Fortunately, I held on to the telephone.

And to make matters worse,

Officer Gambrelli won't tell me anything

until he's cleared it with you.

Now, you may be in charge of this case, Commissioner,

but I am Chief of Police here.

And as long as Officer Gambrelli is on my force,

I expect him to report his condition when asked

without your official permission or blessing!

And I always knew

you were a pompous pissant!

Commissioner.

Help!

Clouseau. My father.

Yes.

But why didn't you tell me?

For the same reason I didn't tell him.

I thought you would both be better off not knowing.

Your father and I weren't in love.

We had a brief encounter in a blizzard.

Why did you pretend that my father

was an Italian French horn player?

Well, for one thing, it explained your interest in music.

Actually, Clouseau played the violin.

Not well, but passionately.

He made love the way he played violin.

But why do you tell me now?

Because in many ways, you are like your father.

Foolhardy, accident-prone, pigheaded,

courageous, accident-prone...

I think it's important that you learn about the things

that he depended on to keep him alive.

Also, the things he neglected to pay attention to that ultimately killed him.

"If I must die,

"I will encounter darkness as a bride

"and hug it in mine arms."

Shakespeare?

Yes.

Excuse me, but, uh, I felt sure you would want to be told.

Chief Lazar and the Commissioner

have been taken to intensive care.

Have you told him? Yes.

Gendarme Second Class Gambrelli.

Yes?

It looks like you are in charge now.

Oh, yes? No!

Time is running out for the princess,

and apart from myself and Francois,

Officer Gambrelli is the only one

who can identify the kidnappers.

But, Charles, he has so little experience.

His father was a patrolman

and became the greatest detective in France

without any experience.

Trust me, if you are a Clouseau, you can succeed without it.

I presume you will now change your name?

Why?

You are a Clouseau now.

Yes, but I am also a Gambrelli.

It's a good name.

Gambrelli

You can sing it.

Do you want me to change it?

It might be nice. Your father saved my life.

Clouseau

Not bad. Okay.

Francois, see to it that Gendarme Second Class Jacques Gambrelli

is promoted to Detective First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr.,

as quickly as you can.

Get him new papers and a passport.

Don't worry, Maria.

When the kidnappers hear that a Clouseau is on their trail,

they'll probably surrender without a fight.

Shut up!

Salute.

Hello?

Hello!

Dr. Balls?

Who wants to know?

Detective Jacques Clouseau.

Second... First Class, Jr.

I spoke with you on the phone earlier.

Good evening.

I am Madame Balls.

You don't look like him.

I wouldn't know.

I have never met your husband.

Who said anything about my husband?

You did. You said I don't look like him.

I meant your father!

Well, why didn't you say so? I never met him, either.

He's a real Clouseau!

Detective Clouseau.

First Class, Jr.

Naturally.

Dr. Auguste Balls of Nice at your service.

You must forgive me for having Madame Balls establish your authenticity.

So many crooks and charlatans these days

who would use my talents for ill-gotten gains.

You can't be too careful.

Now, am I forgiven?

Yes.

Such a joy

to see the son of my oldest, dearest, and deadest friend.

And as I always used to say to him,

"Always remember,

"if you need a disguise when duty calls,

"look no further, because you've got Balls."

What? Did you make that up?

No. My genius lies in the art of transfiguration.

My wife is the Emily Bronte of the Balls family.

Congratulations.

I am a bit of a poet myself. Oh!

You and Marta must get together sometime and, whip up a few sonnets.

She also makes the most delicious borscht.

Now, specifically, how can I help

the son of my nearest, dearest, and deadest customer?

I must get into Lugash without being recognized.

Say no more.

Marta!

MADAME Hello!

Marta,

bring me the plans of the inconspicuous Bedouin beggar

number 2.

Wait here.

Is that why you asked me to meet you in the park?

So you could attack me like you used to attack my father?

Yes.

I can honestly say that your father

would have been dead many times

if it weren't for my surprise attacks keeping him on his toes,

alert to every danger.

So I am available,

in case you are considering hiring me in the same capacity

that I once served your father.

Ah!

Have a fortune cookie.

What does it say?

"You will hire an oriental family friend."

Amazing.

His plane to Lugash is on schedule.

He will be met at the airport and, uh, taken to the hotel,

where he will be contacted by one of our agents.

We interrupt this broadcast

to bring you an important news flash.

A breaking story out of Nice reveals that Clouseau may have had a son.

An anonymous phone caller has stated that

Gendarme Second Class Jacques Gambrelli

was in fact First Class Detective Jacques Clouseau

of the Nice police force.

Charles, have you seen the morning paper?

He's being met by a French agent posing as a limo driver.

Mr. Gambrelli?

Oui. Oh. Me, too.

Mr. Gambrelli. Yes?

I have to take you to your hotel room.

There is no need to register.

Just go straight up to the room

and wait for a call from Mr. Wasim.

Who? Mr. Wasim.

This way, please.

The son of France's greatest detective,

undoubtedly a talented police officer in his own right,

from Nice

arrives in Lugash.

It can mean only one thing.

Will this change our plans?

I don't think so.

We have always known that if we were discovered

we risked reprisal from our unstable neighbor.

It may well be that the son of France's greatest detective

can insure us against that discovery.

How can he do that?

By eliminating Uncle Idris,

or at least taking credit for it.

For the time being, at least,

make sure that Detective Clouseau, Jr. is well protected.

Your Highness.

Please, put your legs around my waist.

In your dreams.

As you wish, Your Highness. Wait, wait!

What are you doing?

Don't!

You can't take me down!

Here we go!

Geronimo!

You let me jump out of that plane without a parachute!

Your Highness, if you do not stop hitting me, I'm going to drop you.

Oh, really?

You wouldn't dare! I am your ticket to paradise!

Uh, Mr. Gambrelli's room.

For you. It's Mr. Wasim.

Thank you.

Hello?

Meet me at Omar's Oasis at 10:00.

I'll be wearing a red carnation.

Welcome to my home away from home, Your Highness.

Who are you?

My Muslim name is Sheikh Latif Abdullah Idris Al-Sabah,

but you can call me Uncle Idris.

But what's wrong with my disguise?

Dr. Balls said it was his most original creation.

Mr. Gambrelli's room.

It's Commissioner Dreyfus.

Coming.

Pass me the phone.

Hello?

Hello? Cato.

Hello? Wait. Hello?

Hello, wait! Hello!

Hello!

Hello, Jacques?

Where are you?

Hello?

Yes? Hello!

What's happening?

Hello! Jacques?

Yes? Oh, is that you, Commissioner?

Yes.

I'm sorry to do this,

but I want you to pack your bags

and catch the next plane home.

What?

You've become a political... Uh, a political hot potato.

The French government can't protect you.

But what about the princess?

Officially, she is not your concern anymore.

Well, maybe not officially,

but unofficially, she will always be my concern.

I think I'll come with you anyway.

No, Cato.

One hot potato is too much.

I'm very sorry.

Sorry.

It is. Is it? You are...

I hate to make a bother,

but would you give for me, please, your autograph?

What?

I do not have the pen. Do you have the pen?

No, no. No?

Anyone have a pen?

You write, "To Wafiyyah."

Yes, yes, but I don't have any paper.

Not on paper. Here.

There?

Yes, for my girlfriend. Hurry.

Quickly. I must finish dance or Omar will cut off my nipples.

What is this? What is this? What?

Gambrelli? Yes.

No, Clouseau. No!

Yes, I see your picture. Very beautiful.

Oh. Big smile.

Could this be Omar?

Omar! Hit it, Muffid.

Excuse me. Yes.

Oh, not you again! Yes.

Where is the princess?

Not far away from here. I can take you to her, but we have not much time.

Why? What time is it now?

3:15.

My nose.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

They were going to kill you. Follow me.

Wafiyyah! That's him! Clouseau!

Gambrelli!

Pervert!

This way. The kitchen.

In here.

Hey! Hi.

Come! This way!

Not until you tell me who you are.

Colonel Al-Durai, Lugash Special Services.

I'm here to help you rescue the princess.

Where is the princess?

She's being held in a desert hideout

about 20 kilometers

northeast of Ksar el Kebir.

You didn't tell me it was going to be like this.

I didn't know... I am ruined!

It was going to be like this. You'll be compensated.

Where's your car? Over there.

Everyone, in the car! In the car!

Cato! Cato! Here!

Where is Gambrelli?

Hopefully, gone to rescue the princess.

Where are we going?

To make sure he does.

Get out and see what that sign says.

It says Ksar el Kebir 175 kilometers.

Is that where we're going?

No. That's where I am going.

Bye, Cato.

Get in, rabbi.

Remember, men,

it is a diplomatic imperative that Clouseau gets credit for rescuing the princess.

Good luck.

Gentlemen, after you.

Me? I am not going.

Me, neither.

In that case, Sergeant, take them out and shoot them.

I changed my mind.

Save me a seat!

Excuse me.

Do you know which way is north?

Yes.

Oh!

Yussa, get her.

Come with me. There is a way out of here.

That's fine, but she's not going with us.

Don't be foolish. She is our ticket to escape.

Go ahead, shoot me.

Oh, I will. Unless you can stop me.

Let's see.

Here.

You need some help.

Jacques!

Drop it.

Hello, sailor. Drop it.

That felt good!

Come, liebchen.

Never! We'll make our escape.

"When I am dead, my dearest

"Sing no sad songs for me

"Plant thou no roses at my head

"Nor shady cypress tree

"Be the green grass above me

"With showers and dewdrops wet

"And if thou wilt, remember

"And if thou wilt, forget."

Jacques!

Jacques!

That's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Yesterday morning, princess Yasmin of Lugash

was rescued from her kidnappers

by Detective Inspector First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr.,

the son of France's greatest detective.

As for Detective First Class Inspector Clouseau, Jr.,

the latest medical bulletin has him doing well,

and his doctor expects him to be back on duty in a matter of a few weeks.

Sooner. Hello!

You're looking better. Thank you.

Darling, Charles and I have something to tell you.

You're getting married.

How did you know?

I know because I am a great detective.

Right, Dad?

Who was that?

Here's the champagne.

To you.

What are you doing? Jacques.

You silly boy. The bouquet!

The bouquet! Throw the bouquet!

Mon dieu, forgive me.

Jacqueline! I'm sorry I'm late, Mama.

Jacqueline! Jacques, brother!

Sister!

Mama?

Charles, your head is bleeding.

Yes, you have received a beump.

Beump?

Maria.

Oh, Charles, I planned to tell you.

I had twins.

Thank you.

You must be very proud.

Thank you.

Oh, you're adorable.

Ah! That felt good!