Original subtitles

(APPLAUSE)

You! You can take that look off your face because you know what you are?

-You're scum, aren't you! -AUDIENCE: Yeah!

You probably think I'm being aggressive! I'm not...

I'm being honest with you!

MAN: And the winner is...

that vicious tongued vixen herself, Vivienne Vyle!

All I want to say is yeah, I'm so proud of...

us and Viv, obviously, and she's not here and thank you so much, it's beautiful!

(VIVIENNE MUMBLING) This programme contains strong language.

Jesus!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Oh! Who the fuck is that?

-Hello. -HELENA: Hello! It's me!

Come on, babe, let me in, let me in!

Oh, shit, fuck! This time it's fucked!

Oh shit! I won't forget it, maybe!

Is she on anyway? Hello, is that Emmy?

Oh, no! It's me! Oh, hi! Um...

Hey, Viv!

Hey, Viv!

-Aye! -Hello! Right, I'm coming up.

Hey, you and Jared Jones aren't at it, are you?

I mean, I... I don't wanna see any...I don't want to see any private bits...

I don't wanna see no front bottoms, all right?

Who's the dog, who's the dog! Woah!

Whoa!

Hello!

Clever girl!

Kiss, kiss!

-What do you think? -Gorgeous!

I don't know whose fucking floor I ended up on, but I got there somehow.

-Tell me all about it! -Yah, and I don't know what's happened to my pants.

Oh, fucking paps!

Fucking paps!

And everyone's got a fucking camera phone these days, so you know it's getting worse!

Oh God, I mean, but there was so much booze at this thing!

Free booze and I just had to celebrate because... you weren't there!

I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I mean I don't have a fucking speech!

I ended up thanking just about everybody!

-Good, good! -You know, oh, God, there was so much hash in the loos.

Yah! Usual fucking suspects, plus, plus, sorry Lisa Scott Leigh?

Who the fuck are you? And the Cheeky Girls?

Fucking rude girls actually

and, you know, with some idiot there called Lemsip... um... Toothpick!

Oh, God!

Steady! Careful!

-Oh, fuck! -What?

-Is there a picture of you? -Yes!

-What? -Oh, my God!

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

-Oh, that's so not funny! -My God!

I'm gonna piss myself!

Oh, God, where's the bathroom again?

(JARED GROANS)

-They've had to pixelate her! -Nothing you haven't fought before, I'm sure.

HELENA: Can I do anything for you?

For God's sake! She's like a bloody puppy, darling.

Ah, yes. See, best of both worlds, darling.

You won the award, but you didn't have to prostitute yourself.

-Chris Connor. -Chris Connor!

I missed was seeing his face when I won.

Right. So the plan is...

Right. The plan is... Oh, um, channel thrilled by the way.

Yeah! Channel thrilled, thrilled channel. Peter loves it!

BOTH: Peter? Who's Peter?

I dunno! It doesn't matter! Loved it!

So we have to talk.

-I'm not feeling very well, Jared. -Oh.

Will you do Richard and Judy?

-Yes, she will! -Yes, I will.

Good, good.

And we're gonna do a Paul O'Grady before the end of season show

which the channel says we can do live, and, and...darling, now we've got the award,

because, darling...

because now with the award and everything, we can do specials, yeah, yeah,

mini docs you know, like celebrities with problems and Jade, straight out of rehab.

So Vyle, we have rehab!

You know, don't go to the press, to Viv!

You won't be ON Richard And Judy, you ARE Richard And Judy, babe.

-Dance number on Children in Need. You know what I'm saying? -God!

Oh God!

What's the matter, darling? Why are you being weird?

-Here. -JARED: Can you keep it down?

HELENA: No, no, no!

-She's just hung over. -Are you ill?

Oh, no! Don't throw up!

Don't throw up! No... Jared!

-What's the matter, Viv? -(VIVIENNE GROANS)

You not well? You're probably getting the flu.

Look, she's just hung over.

This isn't a hangover! This is...

I understand a hangover, this is separate.

There's hangover, this is... something else.

No, you cannot be ill!

No, not now, not today! Now come on!

Get her a fucking Beecham! Oh, for God's sake!

Right, I'll see you later.

Stay with her. Get her well, get her ready, don't let her be ill.

Fuck! Where am I going?

Home first? No. Office first? No!

OK, OK. Office, first. Yep. Bye. Yep.

(DEEP SIGH)

-Great night! What did you do after I left? -Did you leave?

Oh, yeah! With "the wife"!

Don't do that! She is my wife!

Yeah, I copped off with this bird from the papers...3:AM bird.

The black one. She was all over me. Fucking brilliant!

He stayed at my place on my sofa.

He made a pass at me at two in the morning and even I turned him down!

You're desperate!

Viv, you're married to the husband of the award- winning Vivienne Vyle!

I like that!

(SIGHS)

Do you know who Vivienne Vyle is?

I am fucking Vivienne Vyle!

What have you got to say for yourself?

You shut up! You're on the Vivienne Vyle Show!

I do the talking.

But I know what I am doing!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

Get it off! Get it off!

It's all right, darling. It's just the award. Calm down.

Just a dream, darling.

You're all right. I'm here now.

What was it? My God, what did you put in that Beechams?

-What? -I need a pee.

What time is it?

-You've been asleep for half an hour. -Oh, I need a pee.

-What do you want me to do? -Just get out the way.

All right, darling.

-Oh-h...! -Viv?

Oh, God!

-Oh, my God! -Viv!

-Ooh ooh ooh! -Careful!

Ooh, ooh.

Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...

Ooh! Ooh!

God!

Oh, Christ almighty!

Why? Why?

I told you not to buy this building.

I told you this flat was wrong.

-Come on, Viv! Pick yourself up! -No!

Award-winning Vivienne Vyle, huh?

This building is perfectly safe!

Look, it's a perfectly strong building. Look!

No, stop that! Don't do that, you fucking idiot!

-Everything is now moving! -All right, Viv, come on!

-We've got a big day, come on. -No.

I'll pick you out something lovely to wear.

You all right?

As well as can be expected after drinking poor quality wine.

It's always the lack of quality that gives you the hangover, isn't it?

Right, I'm sure you all know a lot more

about what went on last night than I do, so please don't fill me in.

All I can say is...

...result!

And well done team, perhaps?

Damien, coffee?

Hello, yes.

It's Jared.

Now what?

Oh, Jesus!

Yeah?

Oh, what now?!

Well, get a doctor, get her better,

get her dressed and get her in a car! Viv can't stand up.

-Well, it ain't from shagging, is it? -God! You're obsessed!

I mean it's all you ever talk about, probably because you don't get any.

I mean even Carol wasn't interested!

Na! She was all over me.

-In your dreams! -Oi!

Hang on! Look!

Um...Viv can't stand up.

-Oh. -Speak to Jared.

Look, Jared, Jared, I'll sort something out.

I'll call you back.

What?

She's dizzy and she can't stand up, keeps falling over.

You mean like vertigo?

I suppose so, yeah.

Well, that's very serious then, actually.

I think we should go and talk about this, Helena.

We don't want Viv ill, so I don't want anyone to worry about Viv at all

and we're just gonna sort this out in the meeting room, Helena.

Yeah! Whatever!

Vertigo can be lethal in the wrong hands, so let's...

just sort all this out, shall we?

Well, I think you should go round...

or do we need a real doctor?

Well, I actually don't want to go round there.

Right. Well, this is a nightmare.

You see, she always does this, she always gets ill

and she's always having check-ups and guess what?

She's never ill!

So she gets ill when she's...

-emotionally under pressure? -Yeah!

So you talk to her, get her better.

Well, I can't do it on the phone.

Well, use Skype.

Naomi, get the video conferencing up and running in Viv's flat.

Tell Jared.

Hello!

Hello?

It's your pants.

What's that?

(FEEDBACK HOWLS)

It's coming through.

Oh, gosh. Can you see me?

Yeah, yeah, I can see you. Where's Viv?

-I'll go and get her. -No, I'll talk to you. How is she?

Oh, she's ill! It's like seasickness.

She says the room's spinning around and she's crawling along the floor.

So you're saying... Sorry.

You're saying she's ill, she's not ill?

-What are you saying? -Well, she's always ill.

Well, yes...that's because she's been rather like a hypochondriac.

What? So you're saying she's not ill?

Darling! Jonathan says you're not ill, you're just a hypochondriac!

Where's he gone?

Oh, my God!

-My God, what's she doing? -No, this is what she does!

Christ, she looks rough!

She hasn't got any make-up on, all right! Leave her alone!

Get back to your desks now!

Go on! Stop looking at her!

It's none of your business!

If wasn't for her, you wouldn't have a job!

-JARED: You've got to come down. -Have I?

-Yes, darling! -Slowly!

And you think I'm not ill?

She is so beautiful!

Yeah.

You think this is all in my head?

It feels like the whole building's about to collapse!

I said to Jared when we bought this place,

I said, you want to go down near the lifts and have a look.

I mean hardly any of the building is actually touching the ground...

It's little pillars, isn't it?

Oh, God!

-How's my blood pressure? -Maybe it's just anxiety, Viv.

It's not anxiety! I don't get anxiety.

This is something. This is something, isn't it? I get things.

She does. She gets things. She catches everything!

-Better up the insurance. -Anyway, I haven't got a heart problem.

We know I haven't got a heart problem.

No, because we check her heart all the time.

I mean we're not anxious people.

VIVIENNE: It'll be some deep underlying problem, that's what I'm thinking...

-It's stress related. -It's not menopause!

The only other thing would be hepatitis or cancer.

So you think you've got cancer?

Darling, I need you to pee into this, right?

I'm gonna do a test for diabetes and menopause. Leave it with you. Quickly!

It could be. I've got a lump in my ear.

Look.

See this lump here? See?

Can you see my ear?

She's certainly not gonna hear anybody if she doesn't want to!

-Did you see? Is that cancer? It's right where... -I can't see anything at all.

...my mobile phone goes, you see, if I...

You think you've got ear cancer?

All right, darling, come on.

-Don't walk so fast! -Yes, all right.

-We're just gonna move into the kitchen. All right. -Slowly, slowly, slowly!

I'm going as slow as I can, darling.

Up you get! You can do it! Can you see Dr Jonathan?

-Can you see Jonathan, darling? -OK.

Oh, God!

How come you and Jared weren't at the awards last night?

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

You really missed a bit of a do.

I have it in supermarkets, don't I?

Because once you found me propped up against the support tights in C&A.

-Marks and Spencer's, darling! -Marks and Spencer's.

How long have you been having these attacks, Viv?

As long as I can remember!

Yes. Since childhood, maybe?

Yeah, childhood.

Can you just tell me a little bit about your symptoms.

I'm gonna try and lie down.

What happens is, it's like now...

the whole world...

feels like it's tippy.

Can I get you a coffee?

Yes, please.

It's sort of tipping on its axis...

-Do you take milk? -Oh, yes.

...and I feel very, very dizzy.

-No sugar! -There's a tight...

Thank you.

I can't breathe and my head, my head is just...

-What do you reckon's in the little bag on the table? -I dunno.

-Oh it's her pants! -Oh, stop it! You're disgusting!

Well, what do you think?

I can't see anything! I can't see ahead of me and I just can't think straight.

-So you feel unbalanced? -What does it fucking look like I feel?

The triggers...

they tend to be when you've got too much on maybe?

Maybe too much?

No. I don't like what you're...

No, no, no. I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this is stress.

It's not. It's not stress. I love stress.

I thrive on it, don't I?

Yes, she does. She thrives on stress.

All right darling. Come on. Fill it, quickly!

D'you need any help?

No. I'm fine. I'm just making some...

I've done that...right, coffee.

-How does it go? -It's the other way.

No the other way.

Hello, darling.

Sorry, I think I'm a bit dehydrated.

It's the best I can do here. It's just a dribble.

-I think I can give a diagnosis. -He's just told me to...

-Somatisation. -Is that a medical diagnosis?

JARED: I've heard of that!

Oh, thank God!

It's not really a medical diagnosis.

It doesn't matter! It's what she wants to hear!

All right, darling. Well, done.

-Thanks. -What are you doing?

Putting together the highlights of Squirrel Watch, which is a challenge!

What's going on in there?

Oh! Viv's just having one of her funny turns.

She'll be fine.

D'you reckon they did it, then?

-Who? -Jonathan and Helena!

Don't know, don't care.

-You're a funny one! -Hmm?

Do you still fancy her?

I'm married.

I have got it! I'm a somatiser, I'm afraid.

-I'm a somatite, I am! -Ooh, darling!

Well, done!

The symptoms, they have emotional and psychological roots.

Now I think we need to start talking.

OK, about what?

Well, what about the award? What did...

What did that mean to you?

It doesn't have to mean anything, does it?

It doesn't mean anything!

I mean it means nothing, a bloody award!

Nothing! It means nothing! It's just...

- It's meaningless! -When you look at me, what do you see?

I see a beautiful, vulnerable woman.

(VIVIENNE KEEPS ON TALKING)

I can't be fixed, you know.

-Lots of people have tried! - ...slap on the back!

It doesn't mean anything! What do you mean?

Surely that means you're the most...

-...popular daytime TV talk show host at the moment. - What?

Surely that means you're the most successful...

Yes, yes! I am the most successful!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It's like I'm on this ladder and I'm just climbing and I'm climbing and I'm climbing!

How does the ladder feel?

It's too high. It's all too high now.

It's all swaying, swaying, swaying!

Oh, my God! Everything is swaying!

When did the ladder last feel safe?

Who gives a fuck about the ladder?

I understand what you're saying!

I understand what you're saying about it but it doesn't feel...

any fucking better, d'you see?

(VIVIENNE HYPERVENTILATES)

You don't need fixing.

You need love.

Um...hello?

-Hello! -So when did you last feel safe?

Oh!

Oh-h...

When did I last feel safe?

Safe?

I felt safe when there was no pressure on me, you know,

when no one expected anything.

It was just telly.

Daytime telly! Who cared, you know?

It was just people. I was just a person doing a job...

'on telly. Didn't have to be great.'

-What about you, sir? -It is, it's outrageous.

VIVIENNE: 'It's just... you know telly could be a man making a face,

'That was telly!

'No-one was born a presenter! You just learnt it as you went along.

'Presenting wasn't a career choice.

'It was just something people did when there's no-one else to do it!

'Oh, God, that felt safe.'

...West Lane...

'We just used to read off a piece of paper!'

'Ah! Regional telly! That was safe!

'I used to do the birthdays with Millie The Mouse.

'Took over from Fred when he died.

'I remember Millie!'

Oh, I loved Millie The mouse!

I loved her! I loved Millie the Mouse! I mean I...

How's the coffee?

It's lovely.

Yes, I think that was the last time I felt safe.

Helena, Children In Need are on the phone. They're asking about Viv.

Right. I'm coming.

Everything all right?

I'll take that cup for you. Shall I put that in the bin?

I could have done birthdays till the cows came home!

And was the next rung safe, Viv?

Can you stop with the ladder thing?!

I get the ladder! I understand the ladder thing now!

Stop it! I'm not an idiot!

-What? -Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, do this! Viv, do that!

Like Helena this morning.

Over here! Don't let Viv be ill! Viv can't be ill! Well, Viv is ill!

-You're scared! -No, I'm not scared! I'm not scared!

I just...just feel like I want to be on my own for a bit.

I just want to be left alone,

just so I can...

-Just so I can... -You can what?

I don't know! I just want to be on my own so I can just catch up...

all right? I feel like everyone's at my back just

pushing me and pushing me and pushing me

towards what looks like some

fucking big precipice and I don't think I'm ready.

I don't know where I'm even going any more! I just wanna go back!

Just go back so I can think! Just...

Need to go back... to when you were safe...

when you knew what you were doing.

How dare you?!

-She does know what she's doing! -Please stop this!

-Let me do this! -No!

Hang on a minute.

I've got to get Viv out of this flat this afternoon feeling better about it

herself and not wobbling all over the place. What are you doing?

I'm the doctor here...

And I've been listening to you for an hour now, so it's your turn to listen to me.

No! You hold on! I called you to help Viv.

Not to lay into her like some second-rate TV psychiatrist with funny glasses!

I've been listening to you forever! Now you're gonna listen to me!

-Sit down, big man! You don't scare me! -That's what we told you to do!

Where's your self-respect?

Are you going to sit there on national television

and waste my time with your snivelling self-pity?

I'll tell you what to say.

I'm going to take control. I'm going to get a grip.

I'm going to stop whining and start taking responsibility for myself!

Are you gonna let him get away with this?

It disgusts me and most of my audience!

You're spoilt...

and you don't know the meaning of hard work!

Where's your self-respect? Where's your dignity? Where is it? I can't see it.

Where's my dignity? I'll give you dignity!

-I've got dignity! -Then give it me then!

It's me...Vivienne Vyle!

It's the Vivienne Vyle Show!

The award-winning Vivienne Vyle Show! It's me...

The queen of the daytime talk shows! Yes, yes. And I got there

to the pinnacle by hard work and I'm not gonna let anyone take that away from me...

not you, not anybody!

Did you see that? That is dignity!

(SHE SIGHS)

You're a genius!

This is what I do.

Jon! Uh...

Are you ready to come in?

God, you look great! So much better!

-I think the Beechams has kicked in. -Listen to this!

The phone's not stopped ringing.

Do you want to do Children In Need?

-Oh, yes! -A musical slot?

Baby It's Cold Outside?

-I'll choreograph! -Oh!

Duet with Chris Connor!

Chris Connor, do we like him, darling? Do you wanna do...?

Darling?

(MUSIC PLAYS)

*I really can't stay *Baby, it's cold outside

*I've got to go away *Baby, it's cold outside

*This evening has been... *Been hoping that you'd drop in

*...so very nice... *I'll hold your hands

*They're cold as ice *My mother will start to worry

*Beautiful, what you're hurry?

*My father will be pacing the floor... *Listen to the fireplace roar...

*So really I'd better scurry *Beautiful, please don't hurry

*Or maybe just the one drink more

*Put some music on while I pour

Oh, God, that was good!

Ah, I feel fucking fantastic!

Darling, you're back!

Listen, I'm gonna get your coat.

We'll get ready there. I mean it's Richard and Judy. They have wonderful make-up.

Right. Thanks.

What?

That Beechams works wonders!

-I'm not expecting any thanks. -You're not God, you know!

I know, but at least I'm not insane.

Right.

-Cheers! -My pleasure.

Right.

No?

Right!

Team!

Yeah! We're back!

We've got Viv! She's coming in! Oh, yeah! Come on!

Let's get on it! Jon, coffee.

Carol, book the other car.

Yeah!

Come on! Come o-on!

Let's go!

What turns you on? Is it fantasy or fetish?

Is it feathers or fisting?

Is bondage holding your marriage together?

Do you sniff underwear or collect panties as a hobby?

Or do you have your own dungeon at home?

Dominatrix or slave, we wanna hear from you.

I'll be cracking the whip in the Vivienne Vyle week-long special...

What tickles your fancy? Contact us.

We'd love to hear from you.