Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Is lunch ready? I'm starving.

Good morning, son.

Good morning?

Do you know what time it is?

Where?

What do you mean, "where"?

Well, I was watching Hawaii Five-O last night,

and I'm on Honolulu time.

You know, just a little TV-lag.

You've got work-lag.

I've been up since 7:00, Pop.

Well, the way I look at it is,

7:00 here, but it's 6:00 in Hawaii,

so I just got up an hour ahead of you,

and another way I figure it,

it's 6:00 in the morning in Hawaii.

I'm going back to bed.

Wait a minute.

We've got a truck out there

that has to be unloaded.

Okay.

I'm going to get me some breakfast.

It's too late for breakfast.

Not in Honolulu.

Hi, Lamont. I've got a registered letter for you.

Oh, for me?

Yeah. I'll sign... Hi, Fred!

Aloha.

Goodbye-ha.

What you got there, son?

Uh... It's... It's a letter from St. Louis.

From St. Louis? Well, tear it up.

I ain't got no money to loan nobody.

No, Pop, nobody's asking for any money. It's, uh...

Did it come postage due?

No.

Is it written in crayon?

No.

Did it come here on jail stationery?

No.

Well, that takes care

of your mother's side of the family.

Wait a... Who wrote it?

Well, it's a letter from a lawyer

that says he represents your late cousin.

Late for what?

Pop, your cousin, George Sanford, died.

They think he was late then, he's really gonna be late now.

Look at this.

Last will and testament.

"I, George Sanford, being of sound mind...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Something gotta be wrong there.

"Sound mind"? That can't be our cousin George.

Would you let me finish?

"Being of sound mind and body,

"since I did not have any children of my own...

His body wasn't too sound, either, was it?

Go ahead.

"I hereby bequeath to Lamont Sanford

"the sum of $7000... $7000?

Poor... Poor Cousin George.

He's gone.

"$7000, subject

"to the following conditions:

"that he marry and have a child,

"and that the said child

"be named George Sanford "the Second.

"See, it is my hope,

"through my cousin Lamont,

"that my name will be perpetuated

for at least one more generation."

Isn't that something, Pop?

Do you believe this, man?

Pop? Pop?

Pop.

Me, a grandfather.

George Sanford the Second...

Has a nice ring to it, sort of like a cash register.

Well, just don't go spending that money

too soon, Pop,

because we've got to think about this.

You're right, son. Let's think about it.

That's long enough.

Now, look, your dear departed cousin George

has left you 7000 big ones,

and all you got to do is have a baby.

Look, Pop, I know $7000 is a lot of money, man,

but the thing that I...

It's not just the money.

See, it's things.

It's, it's... It's... It's a color TV.

It's a Playboy key.

It's... It's a new truck,

and it's 3500 trips to the two-dollar window.

Not yet it isn't. Just listen to this.

"If the baby's not born within 12 months,

"the money will be distributed

"to charities benefiting black people

in America."

That money is not going to benefit any black people

in America.

That money is going to benefit us.

Well, even if I do decide to do it, Pop,

that doesn't give me much time, you know.

You've got nine months. Sometimes, you don't need that.

You need at least nine months unless you're a rabbit.

No, you don't.

What about that girl, that Peterson girl,

that married that guy from Chicago?

They wasn't married but four months,

and then wham, boomaloom, bam!

Baby.

Listen, son. Do it.

I've always wanted me a grandbaby.

And I want you to have one, Pop.

It's just that I don't want

to go rushing into something

that I'm going to be sorry for later.

You won't be sorry.

There's nothing like having somebody home

when you come home to them,

and sit down with them

and eat with them and sleep with them

and sit around a table,

counting money with them.

I'm not getting married, man.

I'm not ready to give up my freedom.

Well, are you ready to give up

some of your teeth?

You're getting married.

I'm not getting married. You're getting married.

I'm not getting married.

You've got to get married.

I don't have to get married.

Look, look, Pop, there's a million things

that I want to do, man.

I want to have adventure and travel.

I want to have girlfriends.

There's plenty of time for girlfriends

after you get married.

Hey, Pop, something's burning in the oven.

Hey, that's it, Pop. I've decided, man.

I'm not getting married.

But what about the $7000?

The money doesn't count, man.

When I get married,

it's going to be for love, not money.

Well, what about a compromise? Love of money.

Do you know what you're asking me to do?

You're asking me to sell myself for $7000.

No, I ain't. You don't have to sell yourself.

Just rent it out for a little while.

Look, Pop, it's not that I'm against marriage.

It's just that I want to wait for the right girl

to come along.

When is that gonna happen?

I don't know. I go out with a lot of girls,

but the girls that you go out with

aren't necessarily the ones you want to marry.

Look, you married Mom because she was your perfect girl.

I mean, she was warm and wonderful and wise and...

And working.

Don't worry, Pop, I'll find her sooner or later.

Better sooner than later.

You know, you only got nine months.

You ain't Bugs Bunny.

I... I still don't think

that Lamont is going to appreciate

you finding him a wife through a computer.

But he'll sure appreciate that $7000.

Hmm.

Hey, Grady, looky there.

"How to increase your sexual awareness

with Yogi."

When did he quit baseball?

No, Grady, see,

this magazine is about Cicely Tyson,

and that's the kind of girl Lamont likes.

You really think so, huh?

Absolutely.

You know, you know, Fred, I saw her on TV,

and she was 105 years old.

Oh, you dumb...

That was the role she was playing.

She must be... Thirtyish.

Thirtyish?

Boy, she sure let herself go.

She's pretty.

Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,

but if you'll just step over here...

Come on.

Mr. Sanford, so you're the Romeo

that's looking for his Juliet?

No, I'm not a Romeo, I'm Freddy-o.

See, my son, Lamont, he's the Romeo,

and he sent us over here,

because he's busy doing brain surgery.

What age is your son?

He's... Excuse me, a minute.

What age should I give?

Well, he's 32, ain't he?

32, yeah, right...

But what if Cicely Tyson likes older men?

Oh, then... Then say he's 42.

He's 4... Wait a minute.

What if she's that kind of chick

that like a younger man?

Oh, then say he's 22.

He's 22.

22.

Or 32 or 42.

22 or 42?

Yeah.

See, his mother lost his birth certificate,

and I remember it had a two on it.

Why don't we just use the median?

That'll make him 32.

Now, the next question

concerns his occupation.

You did say he's a doctor.

Part-time.

Part-time?

Yeah, part-time doctor and lawyer.

My goodness, doctor and a lawyer.

Yeah, he's an Alpha Beta market.

About his extracurricular activities...

Oh, they healed up.

Does he enjoy sports?

Sports?

Yes. Oh, yes.

He loves tennis, indoor, outdoor,

and polo, you know, on the land, on the water...

However, if his horse feels like swimming.

If your son had a choice,

would he go to a hockey game,

a dance, or a movie?

Oh, a movie.

What type movies?

Cicely Tyson type movie.

Does Lamont feel

there's too much sex in movies of today?

Well... Excuse me.

Was there any sex in Sounder?

No, no, no, just a dog.

Uh, no, Lamont thinks there's too much sex

in movies and not enough dogs.

Put that down. Less sex, and more dogs.

I've got it.

Now, what's his reason for finding a mate?

Friendship or matrimony?

Matrimony, followed by baby-mony...

Followed by real-money.

Is he marriageable in the near future?

The nearer, the better.

How near?

Well, I've got a few things to take care of,

like tuxedos and...

And a hall and a minister,

and we've got to get Leo's Barbecue

to cater the reception and...

How about 6:00 tonight?

♪ Here comes The bride ♪

♪ Oh, here comes The bride ♪

So, Fred, I still think

you should have told Lamont

about inviting that Date-A-Mate lady

here to dinner.

♪ I would like to... ♪

Hey, hey, what's the occasion?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

We have a surprise guest

coming to dinner tonight.

Oh, goodness, I forgot the wine.

Oh, Grady, how do you forget everything?

You... You forgot the wine. What's wrong with your mind?

I don't know, Fred.

Ask Lamont, though. He's the brain surgeon.

I'm the what?

Nothing, son. Nothing.

Come on, Grady. Let's go get the wine.

Hey, Pop, why don't you tell me

who's coming here tonight?

I told you it was a surprise.

If I tell you, it won't be no surprise.

All right, all right. No, go ahead and clean up,

and wash up nice, you know what I mean?

Put some stuff under your arms.

Hello?

Hello. Is that you, Lamont?

This is Miss Williams.

Who?

Miss Williams of Date-A-Mate.

We just spoke this afternoon.

We did?

I made a dinner date for you tonight

with Nora Simpson.

Say, are you sure you're Lamont?

Your voice sounded more older before.

Uh, wait a minute, lady, I think you got...

Did you say "older"?

Yes, and more gravelly.

Uh, well,

that's because this afternoon, I had a cold, but I'm fine now.

Now, what was it you were saying about dinner?

Well, Nora won't be able to make it

until 9:00.

Will that be okay?

Oh, yeah, 9:00 would be perfect.

Good. She's just dying to meet you.

You two have so much in common,

especially the margarine body rubs.

The margarine what?

Body rubs.

Oh, you don't do that anymore?

Uh, no, I moved up to the higher-priced spread.

She'll be there around 9:00.

Yeah, right.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

So he wants a surprise dinner, huh?

I'll give him a surprise.

Hello?

Hello, Janet. This is Lamont, Lamont Sanford.

Hi, Lamont. How are you?

Fine. How you doing?

Are you busy tonight around a quarter past 8:00?

No, what's up?

Because I need a little favor,

and I was wondering if you could help me out.

See, do you remember

that improvisational acting class

that we took together

where you played the drunk?

Sure.

Yeah, well, I was wondering

if you could give a little repeat performance

tonight over at my house

for a little party that my father's throwing.

See, it's kind of like a surprise party,

and I was wondering

if you could wear the dress that you wore that night...

Uh-huh.

And get here at about 8:15,

and everything will be perfect, okay?

And when my father answers the door,

tell him that your name is Nora Simpson...

Nora Simpson?

And you're my computer date. You got that?

Nora Simpson. Nora Simpson.

Okay. What time again?

About 8:15.

Uh-huh.

Okay, and everything will be perfect.

All right.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hey, Lamont.

I'll be right down, Pop.

That's good. She ain't got here yet.

You start pouring the wine, and I'll check on the dinner.

Okay.

"Chateau Newfie de papa..."

"Ohio's best."

All right.

Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.

Hey, Fred!

What? What is it?

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Don't just stand there. Why don't you open up the door?

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.

Don't just stand there laughing.

Help me get rid of her.

♪ I would like to know ♪

Hey, Pop, where's your dinner guest?

Uh... Who?

Your dinner guest.

I heard somebody knocking on the door.

Nobody knocked on this door.

Son, we've got to get this door fixed.

Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.

Is everything all right?

I mean, I'm a little early,

but I was able to get away.

Oh, yeah, that... That's perfect.

It means that we'll have more time

to get acquainted.

Oh, good.

Why don't you come in and sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Uh...

Would... Would you like a drink, Miss...

Simpson, Nora Simpson.

I'd love one, yeah, a martini.

Oh, one martini.

Yeah, would you hold the olive, please?

Uh, excuse me, Miss, but... Hmm?

I don't want to be rude,

but you were supposed to be at 8:00,

and now it's 8:10, and we couldn't wait,

so everything is gone,

so here, take a dollar

and go get you a Fatburger.

Hey, Pop, she's our guest.

Oh, that's okay, Lamont.

You see, I always bring my own dinner anyway,

see, because I am a vegetarian, so...

Uh-oh.

Listen, that computer

must have got your cards all mixed up,

because y'all were supposed to have

everything in common.

Oh, I'm sure we do.

Uh-uh.

You're a vegetarian, and Lamont here is a meat freak.

Well, Pop, I could always learn to be a vegetarian.

Could you learn to be white?

Uh, here's your drink.

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

How about another one?

Could you make that a double, please?

Oh, sure.

And would you hold the olive?

You know what I think?

No, what?

Well, I think we're just gonna hit it off great.

One double martini.

Oh, merci.

Whoo!

To us, Lamont.

Yeah, right.

Could I have another one, please?

Oh, sure.

Uh... How long you want me to hold these olives?

Oh, Lamont, you know something?

I think you're cute.

Uh... I think you're cute too.

Don't you think she's cute, Pop?

I think that your moustache is cute.

Oh, you like his moustache? Yeah.

Well, why don't you get ready to leave,

and I'll have him shave it off

so you can take it home and smoke it.

Oh, boy, I am so hungry.

Whoops.

Got up a little fast.

Yeah, let's just come over here

and sit down, and we'll have some dinner.

How am I doing?

You're doing just great.

Ah, yes.

You sit over there,

on the other side of the table.

Yeah, but I want to sit next to Nora.

You don't want to sit next to Nora.

Come here, son, help me get this stuff

out of the kitchen.

Excuse us, Nora. Just make yourself at home.

Okay.

Grady, don't do that.

Why don't you go into the living room

and keep Nora company.

Say, listen, son,

we've got to get rid of that girl.

Why, Pop? She just got here,

and besides, I think she's charming.

There's some other charming lushes

in the world.

Find a black one.

Pop, would you let me enjoy myself?

I mean, after all, the computer-date thing

said that we were perfect, we were made for each other,

and computers don't make mistakes.

That one did, a $7000 one.

Pop, would you quit worrying?

I'm not worrying about me, son.

I'm worried about my grandbaby.

Think of it,

a mother that's a lush and a father that's a dummy.

It's my grandbaby. My grandbaby will be a "lummy."

Well, that's not my fault, now, is it?

Because you were the one to set this whole thing up

in the first place, Pop, not me.

But how was I to know

that the computer was colorblind?

It just messed up.

The computer didn't mess up.

You messed up,

and you're going to have to stick with it,

because I'm not going to go out there

and hurt that girl's feelings.

Well, I'll go out there and let her down easy.

All right, let her down easy.

Use some tact.

I know tact.

Use some diplomacy.

I know diplomacy.

Say, Nora.

Yes, Mr. Sanford?

You're a drunken lush.

It's over, son,

because I got her here under false pretenses,

and, you know, your happiness is more important to me

than $7000.

I ain't never gonna butt in your business again.

You sure about that?

Positive.

Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.

Look, you get the door.

I'll get some ice.

Hi... Shh.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Everything's perfect, Janet...

Except you're too late.

You said a quarter after 8:00.

Oh, no, you were here on time, but, see,

the real Nora Simpson showed up,

and she did everything

that you were supposed to do.

Oh, is she an actress too?

No, no, she's not an actress.

Nobody could act that good.

Uh...

But, listen, everything worked out perfectly,

and I appreciate you coming over here, Janet.

I'll call you up tomorrow

and tell you all about it.

All right.

Okay? Bye.

Who was that?

Nobody, Pop.

It was just somebody looking for an address.

You know...

What are you gonna do about Lush-A-Mate here?

Don't worry about her.

I'll call a cab and pour her into it.

Oh, no, that's okay, that's okay.

I can just get home. I'm fine, I'm fine.

I've got my car out there parked on the sidewalk,

in the hedge.

Bye.

I think I'd better go with her, Pop.

No, son, wait a minute. That's not your responsibility.

You're not the one who went to Date-A-Mate.

You're not the one who told all them lies.

You're not the one who started all this here stuff.

The one that's at fault should be the one to take her home.

Grady, take the lady home.

$4571.52, divided by 312...

Equals... 72... One, five.

Son, how much is 42 and 30?

72. Why? What are you doing?

I'm just making a little calculation here.

You know, $7000

ain't as much money as it sounds like.

What do you mean?

Well, look here.

After you pay for the marriage and have the baby,

and pay Leo's for the barbecue

and the hall and everything, the minister,

that $6,200.

That'd don't leave me and you but $800.

What do you mean, "me and you"?

Us.

Us?

Yeah, us. $400 apiece.

See, so the way I figure, you just give me my $400,

then I'll save you a lot of trouble.

See, son?

Here's your checkbook.

You write $400.

I wouldn't write $400 down in that book.

Write $400.

If I had $400, I wouldn't write $400.

Give me my money, now.