Original subtitles

He's gonna be surprised.

Hey, man, I can't wait till Pop gets here.

We can't either.

Hey, Lamont, I think...

I think this dip is ready now.

Hey, let me have it, Jack.

I'll taste it for you.

Oh, no. Not you, Capone.

Capone?

Yeah, I know you.

You'll put the dip in your mouth and the spoon in your pocket.

Try this out, Lamont.

Hey, what is it, Grady?

Oh, that's, uh, a sour cream base

with chopped sour... pickles, chopped sauerkraut,

chopped sweet-and-sour ham hocks,

and my special secret sour-soul sauce.

Grady, would those bandages on your fingers

happen to have anything to do

with your special secret sour-soul sauce?

Oh, yeah. They stop the flow of it.

Take it in the kitchen

and dump it in the garbage.

In the kitchen?

In the kitchen.

In the garbage? In the garbage.

Oh, now, I been really working on this, Lamont.

I mean, what a waste of sour!

You don't look the same to me, Donna.

What is it?

Don't tell me.

You've gotten old.

Haven't we all?

And fast.

I know you don't like me, Esther.

You never have.

Ever since Fred and I got engaged,

but I understand that.

After all, he was married to your sister

and it's natural for you to feel that no one can take her place.

So, I'm not offended by your remarks,

and will not answer you back... Cow!

Cow?

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hold it down. He's coming.

He's coming? He's coming!

Everybody, hide!

Look, I'll turn out the lights. Everybody, find a place.

Surprise!

I locked myself out of the kitchen...

But that was nice of you all

to surprise me like that, though.

Where's my presents?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, wait.

Hey, man, his car showed up!

Okay, look.

It's an airport limousine.

Everybody, find a place to hide.

He's here! he's here!

Everybody, be quiet. Shh, shh.

Ow!

Grady, would you shut up and get behind the sofa?

Who did that?

Well, I'm sorry, Esther.

I thought you was the sofa.

Would you keep it down? Just be quiet. Shh.

Surprise!

Hey, welcome home, Pop.

Oh, Fred!

Oh, Fred.

Please, Esther.

My two favorite ladies out of the fairy tale...

Well!

Beauty... and the Beast.

Why you want to insult me, Fred Sanford?

I didn't insult you.

Now, I could've called you

a pimple-headed evil-doing heathen,

but I didn't.

That's right, Fred. She didn't.

And I could've called you

a frog-eyed fish-eating fool, but I didn't!

And I could've called you

a monkey-faced fat-bottom gorilla,

but I didn't... So, now, I will,

you fat-bottom gorilla-faced ape!

Oh!

Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute, now.

This is a... Aunt Esther.

This is a welcome-home party.

Everybody's here to have a good time.

What it is, Pops?

Ask your mama what it is.

I bet she don't even know.

Come on, Pops. Cheers.

Cheers?

Is that what you want?

Yippie-yippie, yay-yay.

Look who got out of jail today!

Come on, Pops.

You want some more?

Do you?

All right. Bim, bam, boom!

Somebody get this nigger out of my room!

Hey, man. Come on.

Come on.

Let bygones be bygones, man.

No, let's let goodbyes, be good-byes.

Goodbye.

Hey, Fred.

It's nice seeing you, man.

Yeah, and it's good to see you, Bubba.

It's good your old lady

let you out of the house tonight.

Oh, man, she didn't let me out the house.

I ducked out the house on my own.

I ducked the frying pan.

I ducked three plates, and even ducked the cat.

Say, Pop, tell us about St. Louis.

Yeah, yeah, tell us about it.

All right, wait a minute.

St. Louis was just great. Hey, hey, Rollo.

Give me that small brown bag over there.

I bought presents for everybody.

You got a present for me too, Fred?

Yeah. Yeah, Grady.

I got yours first

because you been taking such good care of my son.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

I wasn't expecting anything.

What'd you get me?

St. Louis bunion pads.

Well, I... I really...

I'm gonna put those on now.

I need them.

Grady, Grady... Don't take your shoes off.

Please don't take your shoes off.

And Donna, honey, here's something for you.

Oh... Oh. Aw... Open it.

See there?

If you get a watch, you can put it in there.

That's cruel, Fred.

Wait a minute, I was just kidding.

I was just kidding, honey.

Here's the watch.

Oh! Whoa. Look at that watch.

It's beautiful! Look, Esther!

Wow.

Yes, look. It's exactly 2.49.

Wow... Are you kidding? It must be 6:00.

I wasn't looking at the time, Fred.

I was looking at the price tag.

Oh!

Well, get your face away from it before it stops.

I even got something here for you, Esther.

Here.

That's just a clear piece of plastic.

No, it ain't. Put it up to your face.

That's your Halloween mask.

Hey, Pop...

Would you leave Aunt Esther alone?

It would be a pleasure.

Aunt Esther, would you like a drink?

She wouldn't want a drink.

Why wouldn't I want a drink?

Because you are a drink... A Zombie.

That's it!

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come on, now.

Say, son, I almost forgot.

I got you a present too.

Me? Hey... Got you a quadraphonic stereo.

All right! Yeah.

Here.

You wanna trade?

Hey, man.

You need an airplane for these to work.

No, you don't.

Hey, plug it on in there. Listen.

♪ And I would be sure That this is ♪

♪ Love beyond compare? ♪♪

What kind of present is this to give your son?

That's him... cheap cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Listen to that...

The voice of a chicken coming out of a buzzard.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Oh!

I hope you're proud of yourself, Pop.

All your friends come over here

to give you a welcome-home party

and you have to start a fight.

I wasn't none of my fault.

Esther started all that rigmarole.

She threw the first punch.

Yeah, Pop, but you called her a zombie.

I should've called her a gorilla.

That's what she is... a gorilla.

She looks like Mighty Joe Young's sister...

Mighty ugly.

Are you gonna help me clean up this mess

or are you just gonna sit there?

Okay, okay.

I'll help you,

but first I gotta get into something

that's comfortable... my bed.

Good night.

Come on, Pop. Help me clean up, man.

Well, get Grady to help you.

Grady? Grady's no help.

You said he took care of you all the time I was gone.

Yeah, well, Grady's a nice guy

and a good friend and all that,

but Grady's no help.

Okay, I'll change and come back down.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Grady, where... Where you going?

I'm leaving.

Leaving?

Leaving, leaving, leaving.

Leaving... L-E-E-V-I-N.

Leaving!

Hey, Grady, it's the middle of the night.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing is the matter with me,

especially my ears.

I heard what you told your father.

Oh, that! Well, look... No, I don't want...

I don't want to hear no excuses.

I heard what you said.

Look, Grady.

Come on in the kitchen for a minute.

I want to talk to you.

I don't wanna go in the kitchen.

I'm leaving. It's an insult.

I don't wanna... Just come in the kitchen.

No, I don't want Pop to hear this.

Well, why you don't want him to hear?

Come on, man.

Just sit down over here, okay?

Now, you see, Pop's upstairs changing.

I don't want him to hear this.

Do you know why I told Pop

that you're no help to me, Grady?

Yeah, because you don't think

I'm any help to you.

No, man, that's what I wanted him to think.

Why do you want him to think that?

So he would feel better.

How's that gonna make him feel better,

knowing that his best friend

couldn't take care of his only son

while he was away?

Grady, Pop likes to feel that he's the only person

that can run this place and take care of me.

So?

I couldn't tell him the truth, Grady,

That you could run the place

and take care of me just as good as he can.

Are you... You really mean that?

Of course I mean that, man.

Oh, now I understand.

I understand why you said

I was no help to you...

you wanted to make him feel important

and better than me.

Oh, yeah... Yeah, yeah...

you could have just told me that.

You know, I...

I understand those kinds of things.

You wanted to try to make him

feel important and better than me.

That's right, Grady.

Oh! I see. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you could've just told that.

You didn't have to...

Just tell me, you know,

say that behind my back.

Well, I'm glad you understand, Grady.

Well, okay. I'm gonna clean up now then, okay?

Yeah, thanks a lot man.

All right... Yeah. Wow.

Hey, Lamont.

Huh?

You weren't lying to me, were you?

Hey, Grady, look man... I don't lie.

Well...

Maybe just a little bit. Just a little bit.

Old crummy Grady...

talking about how he can run the business

better than me.

Well, he can have it.

He can change Sanford and Son to "Crummy and Dummy."

Hey, Fred.

Aw... Welcome back, man.

Let me buy you a drink.

Well, maybe a little one won't hurt.

All right, so what'll it be?

Give me a double-triple.

A double-triple?

Yeah, heavy on the double and put in some extra triple.

Hey, Fred, why the long face, man?

I just got the short end.

Fred, you crying?

Hey, man, what happened?

My best... my best friend ran off with my son.

What are you talking about, man?

That lying Grady Wilson.

Grady? Yeah.

What did he do?

He convinced Lamont that... that he could...

He was a better business man than me

and he could cook better than me

and he was better in the yard than me.

Okay, now get to the lying part.

That was the lying part.

Dummy Lamont...

Fred, then you got to go back there

and assert yourself.

You're right...

I mean, a man's home is his castle.

Castle!

Right, and you got to show them

that you're the... You are the king.

I'm the king of my castle!

You show them you can work twice as hard

as both of them put together.

And twice as long, too.

The king is abdicating.

Uh, Fred, you're not giving in now?

Hell, no. I ain't giving in.

They think they don't need me?

Well, they'll find out they need me

and I don't need them.

What are you talking about?

They'll see.

Lamont'll see and Grady'll see.

Everybody'll see.

I can't see.

I don't understand it.

I just don't understand it.

Lamont, why would he leave like that?

I don't understand it either, Donna,

but I appreciate you and Aunt Esther

coming over here like this.

Well, misery loves company.

All right, somebody's coming.

Somebody's... Who is it, Grady? Who is it?

Oh, that's you, Lamont.

That's your reflection in the window.

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh... Oh, Fred!

Help! Call the zoo!

I think I've captured

a gorilla-faced ugly mo-pottamus!

Watch it, sucker!

Now, now, now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll go put on a pot of coffee.

Hey, Pop, do you know what time it is?

Man, where have you been?

Here and there...

to and fro, and hither and yon.

And you've been drinking too.

Right.

Where?

Here, there, fro and to.

Fred Sanford,

you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh... Just look at you, Pants all baggy.

Face all dirty.

You just a messy fool.

And you just a cessy pool.

Why, you... Esther...

Leave the poor man alone.

Take your hands off me, woman!

Fred, dear, come and sit down.

Let me help you.

Do not. Don't.

Please don't, Donna.

I don't need nobody help... I don't need nobody at all.

Oh, Pop... Pop! Pop! Pop!

How much did you drink anyway?

♪ How deep Is the ocean ♪

♪ How high is... ♪♪

Is...

Hey, what's the matter with you, Pop?

Ah, there's nothing wrong with me

giving myself a little going out-of-town party.

Going out-of-town party?

Fred.

Fred, you just got back.

Where are you going?

St. Louis!

On the banks of the Mississippi.

♪ M-I-S... ♪

♪ I-S-S... ♪

♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

♪ Mississippi Mississippi... ♪♪

That's where I'm needed.

You're needed here, Pop.

Nah, you don't need me here.

You got Greedy... Grady.

Yeah.

You got Greedy Grady.

Greedy Grady want my house and my son.

Well, you got it, Greedy Grady.

Goodbye, ex-son... And Donna.

Fred... Now, Fred.

You ain't never did nothing to me.

I love you. Kiss me, honey.

Lamont, would you do something about this?

Oh, Donna, you gonna have to shave!

Hey, Lamont, I can understand

what you trying to do, son,

but I gotta take the bus.

It's too far

to ride this horse to St. Louis.

I don't need none of you!

I'm glad to be out of there!

I don't need nothing!

Will you stop following me around?

I ain't got no hoofs in these bags.

Look at that.

The couch out in the yard.

Hey, Pop.

Mm...

Hey, Lamont...

Lamont, what you doing in St. Louis?

You're not in St. Louis, Pop.

You're at home.

Huh? Oh... Oh... Hangover?

Ooh... Bad?

Ugh... Can I get you something for it?

Please. What?

A bullet.

Put it right here.

Ahh... I'll fix something for you, Pop.

No, I'll fix my own stuff.

Oh.

Hey, that's not funny, Lamont.

What's not funny?

You backed that truck over my head.

Come on, let... let me help you.

Okay, just to the kitchen.

All right.

Are we there yet?

No, not yet.

Uh, almost?

Almost, Pop.

Oh, Lamont... Lamont.

What's the matter, Pop?

I just hate to be a burden to you.

Hey, would you stop talking like that?

Yeah... "I don't need you, Pop."

I heard you say that out of your mouth.

I heard you.

I heard you with my own lip.

Ears.

Yeah, yeah, ears.

Hear with ears. Talk with lips.

I'm losing my mind.

You are not losing your mind, Pop.

You just got a hangover.

Now, come on.

Yeah, and I want you to help me get rid of it.

All right.

Here, I'm gonna tell you what I want you to do.

Listen.

Get me some tomato juice and a raw egg.

Right, Pop.

Ohh... Tomato juice and a raw egg.

Yeah. Put some of this in here.

And some Tabasco.

Oh, son... Hey, where's my prune juice?

Your prune juice?

Yeah, give me my prune juice.

Ohh... salt and pepper.

Here you go.

Prune juice... Tomato juice.

Oh!

And, son, hand me...

Hand me, over there, son...

Get me the vodka.

The vodka?

Yeah, I just need a smidgen of vodka.

Now, I need just enough to wake up the flavor.

What do you call that?

A Bloody Mess.

Now, would you mind telling me

what you heard that made you so upset?

"I didn't need Pop."

"I didn't miss Pop."

I heard you. Now, don't deny it.

I won't, Pop. Look.

Grady overheard us talking and he heard me telling you

that I don't need him around here.

He heard me say that,

and so to keep from hurting his feelings,

I lied to him and told him

that he was just as important around here as you are,

and that's the truth, Pop.

Well, how should I know that you not lying to me

about lying to him about lying to me?

Say that again?

I can't. Look, Pop.

I need you here. Now, please, just believe me.

Why should I?

Because I'm your son.

I am your son, aren't I?

Of course. Of course you my son.

Why else would you be around here 32 years free?

Look, all I was trying to do

was make Grady feel good, Pop,

and if that was wrong,

then it's not my fault,

it's your fault, because you always told me

that I should be concerned about other people's feelings,

and you gave warmth and sensitivity.

Well, if I gave you all that stuff,

I ain't got none left for myself.

So do you believe me, Pop?

I believe you.

Hey, thanks a lot.

And I'm sorry

that I ruined the party last night, son.

Oh, that's okay, Pop, but in the future,

when Aunt Esther and your friends come over here,

just try to be a little more understanding.

I will.

And a little kinder?

I sure will.

What this stuff taste like?

What does it taste like?

Did you ever taste castor oil?

And clava, and spoiled pigs' snoot?

Well, mix that all together

and spread with Raid

and throw in some of Grady's socks...

and Aunt Esther's face...

That's what it taste like.

But, son, my headache's gone...

to my stomach.

Hey, Pop, you feel any better?

Will you stop shouting?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know what, son?

I'm gonna show you that I can cook better than Grady.

Hey, man, you ain't got

to prove nothing to me. You're my Pop.

I know that, but I learned something today.

To give instead of take.

I learned to be a giver, not a taker.

That's the way I like to hear my old man talk.

And you know what? I'm gonna start tonight.

I'm gonna cook you a great big turkey

with two kind of sausages and three kinds of vegetables.

Hey, man, a meal like that

will cost a fortune.

It would be cheaper for me to take you out to dinner.

No, that would make you the giver

and me the taker.

See, I'm gonna be the giver and you the taker.

Yeah, but it's too late

for you to start cooking a meal like that, Pop.

Hey, I know, I'll call up Jacob's Soul Food

and tell them I'm gonna bring you over there

for dinner around 8:00.

I told them we'd be there at 7:00.