Original subtitles

Aw... Hey, Grady. How are you doing?

Aw... Hey. Aw, look at that.

Okay, what are you looking at?

I was just going through my old album here,

looking at some of my family pictures.

Aw, look at that one.

You know who that naked baby is

on the bearskin rug?

No, Grady, let me guess.

Yeah, that's me...

Without the beard, of course.

Oh, of course.

Say, Grady, isn't it embarrassing

having a picture like that of yourself around?

Oh, no. Almost every baby in the family

had a picture taken on that bearskin rug.

That was the most popular rug in town...

And the wettest.

They put you on a wet rug?

Well, they said I made my contribution too.

Well, what's with this sudden interest

all of a sudden in your family album, Grady?

Oh, well, I had forgotten what Cousin Emma looked like,

so I thought I'd better check it out

so I could recognize her when she gets here.

When she gets here? Uh-huh.

Your cousin Emma is coming here?

Well, yeah.

She called from the bus station,

and she says she'd be here soon.

Here, meaning this house?

Well, I hope your cousin Emma ain't planning on staying here.

Oh, no, nope, nope, nope. Uh-uh.

No, she's moving from Chicago,

and she's going to get herself a job.

She does housekeeping.

Yeah. Is this my lunch? What is it?

Oh yeah, that's your sandwich.

That's peanut butter and hoghead cheese

on pumpernickel bread

with a slice of onion.

Good.

And a little mayonnaise.

Great.

Well, just as long as your cousin Emma,

ain't planning on staying here, Grady,

because you know Pop wouldn't dig that too tough.

You don't have to worry about that.

She wouldn't stay even if I asked her to.

She's very independent.

Oh, good.

And proud.

Go ahead, ask me if she ever applied for welfare.

Did... Did she ever apply for welfare?

Once.

And even then, she sent her husband.

Proud woman. Proud.

There, that's probably Cousin Emma right now.

Now, you go ahead

and you finish your sandwich,

and when you get through, come on out and say hello.

I mean, she's proud too.

That was... I mean... Hey, that was...

Cousin Emma!

Oh, let me look at you...

The same Grady Wilson, except the beard.

Who is this?

Oh, that's Lamont Sanford.

He's the son of my best friend

who left me in charge here

while he's away in St. Louis.

Ain't he cute?

Grady, Grady, you know who he looks like?

He looks just like Sidney Poitier. Mm!

Uh, where, under the arms?

No, no, really.

How come some little girl

hasn't come along and stolen you away?

Well, I, uh, I'm not in any particular hurry

to get married.

How old are you?

Thirty-one.

Thirty-one? Yes, ma'am.

If you wait much longer,

you ain't going to have no June bride.

You're going have a Geritol bride.

A Geritol bride!

Ain't she funny, Lamont?

Hysterical.

You wasn't like that, Grady.

You was a devil

when you was a young fellow.

Yeah, well, that's true. I was sort of a devil.

You know, back in Chicago,

they used to call him the Sheik of Drexel Avenue.

Every Saturday night,

he had some woman chasing him.

What'd he do, snatch her purse?

Well, no, that's true.

They used to call me Grady the Lady-killer.

You sure got a nice place here.

How many bedrooms have you got?

Two. One!

How many?

Well, there's one for me and there's one for him.

Oh, well, that's what I've got to find me,

a room.

Oh, hey, Emma, don't worry about it.

You'll find a room.

Now, just come on over here and sit down.

Take a load off your feet.

Well, I don't want to waste no time, now.

I want job and a place to live.

Have you got this morning's paper

so I can look up the want-ads?

Emma, you just got here. Now, what's your hurry?

Now, just take it easy.

Well, Grady, I don't want to be no trouble,

and I thought I'd find me a nice motel to stay in

for a while.

Oh, no, now,

you don't want to stay in no motel.

You know, a lot of those motels

show those dirty movies, you know?

No!

Not all motels show dirty movies.

I mean, some of them are nice.

Maybe I can find me a nice rooming house

to live in.

Do you know a nice rooming house?

Someplace nice and homey, like this nice place.

Well, Emma, you're not going to find anyplace

your first day in town.

I'll tell you what.

Now, why don't you stay here a few days

until you get settled down?

I know a nice motel in El Segundo.

She's not going to stay in a motel.

Now, Emma, you just stay right here.

No, no, absolutely not. I won't hear of it.

Did you hear that, Grady?

Absolutely not. She wouldn't hear of that.

Now, why not?

Because it's not fair,

and I don't want to be no trouble,

and you've only got two bedrooms.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Now, Lamont can sleep with me,

and you take his room.

Grady!

Oh, no, I couldn't do that to Lamont.

Did you hear that? Cousin Emma couldn't do that to Lamont.

Well, sure you can. Do it to him.

Oh, I couldn't do it to him. Unless...

Unless?

Unless you let me do the cooking, the washing,

and ironing, the cleaning, and the making of the beds.

That way I'd feel like I was paying my way.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We could never have that.

We'd never have you do all those things.

Well, then, I guess I'll go back to the bus station

and sleep in the ladies' toilet.

I'll drive you.

No, now, wait a minute, Emma.

Okay, all right,

you can do all those things

you said you were going to do.

Didn't I tell you that she was proud?

But I just really wouldn't feel right

having a relative of mine staying here

and working for nothing.

Well, it ain't for nothing.

You're giving me a place to stay.

Now, what time is breakfast?

I'm going to get a good night's sleep,

and then I'm going to fix you both a breakfast

you ain't ever going to forget.

Do you like hotcakes and sausages

and blueberry muffins and scrambled eggs?

You're going to fix all of that?

I am.

Oh, Lord, Emma,

you're just going to spoil us around here.

Don't get too used to it,

because I'm going to find me a job

and be out of here tomorrow.

Which one is your bedroom, honey?

Oh, it's the first one on the right.

Now, give me this suitcase and I'll help you up the stairs.

No, I can do that.

You ain't going to do nothing for me.

I'm going to do it all for you.

Okay, Emma, we'll be up there in a few minutes

and show you where everything is.

Oh, thank you, Grady.

Thank you, Lamont.

Oh, the Lord will reward you for this.

I deserve a reward for sleeping... Grady...

Shush!

What's the matter with you?

You're a guest here yourself.

What gives you the right to be giving up my room?

Look, I'm sorry about that,

but you can't let her sleep out in the street,

and besides, your conscience would keep you awake all night.

Yeah, well, that's better

than your snoring keeping me awake.

I snore?

Yes, you snore, and you suck your teeth.

Okay, all right.

I promise I won't suck my teeth.

You're doing it right now, Grady Wilson.

You're sucking your teeth!

Well, if I suck them now, I won't suck them in my sleep.

Grady... Grady!

Grady!

You're sucking your teeth again.

How could I be sucking my teeth

when I was sleeping?

Well, you're sucking them in your sleep.

And move over.

You're trying to hog up this whole bed.

I'm over as far as I can go.

I don't want to be too near those toenails.

When did you cut them things last, anyway?

This is like sleeping with Fu Manchu!

I never should have agreed

to go along with this in the first place,

and that's what I get for being Mr. Nice Guy.

Just think of the nice breakfast

we're going to have in the morning,

the blueberry muffins, the scrambled eggs,

the sausage...

Shh.

What is it?

You hear that?

It sounds... sounds like a plane taking off.

We are near the airport, aren't we?

That plane ain't taking off.

It's landed.

And it landed in my room. It's a DC-Emma!

Oh, that's because she's in there

sleeping on her back.

You want to go in there

and roll her over on her stomach?

No, I don't want to go in there

and roll her over on her stomach!

What do I look like, a seal trainer?

Okay, all right, all right.

Just close your eyes and go to sleep.

How am I supposed to sleep

with that roaring going on in there?

Well, just try and forget it.

I mean, do like me.

Just think about the nice breakfast

we're going to have in the morning.

Lamont?

Lamont, are you awake?

Barely, barely. Oh...

I hardly slept a wink all night.

Oh yeah? I slept like a baby.

A baby octopus.

Huh?

You were all over that bed, Grady.

How many elbows do you have, anyway?

Listen, man, today your cousin Emma goes.

Now, don't be so hasty...

Today, Grady. Today.

She's probably in the kitchen right now.

Now, it'll all be worth it

when we go in there and see the breakfast

that Cousin Emma has prepared for us.

Oh, I could smell it out here now.

It smells so good!

Come on. Just get in there.

She's not here.

You know what you smelled?

You forgot to take the garbage out last night.

Wow. I wonder where Cousin Emma is.

I've got a pretty good idea.

Oh, she's probably out shopping

for our breakfast right now.

That's where she is.

Come on, let's go to the door and help her out with it.

Yeah, she probably didn't see what she needed

around the house,

so she just went on down to the store...

Hey, sport.

Good morning, Grady. Good morning, Lamont.

Good morning, Cousin Emma.

Do you feel all right?

No, I don't, now that you ask.

I didn't sleep a wink last night.

You didn't, huh?

Not a wink.

Well, there must be a giant cockroach

up in your room snoring awfully loud.

Well, I guess I'll go fix breakfast like I promised.

Oh! Oh!

Cousin Emma, are you sure you feel up to it, now?

Of course I feel up to it.

You just wait right out here.

I'll have it ready in a jiffy.

Oh... Oh...

I'm going down to the diner to get some breakfast.

I don't want to be around to see this.

Now, wait a minute. Come on, now.

Just give her a chance.

This is her first time in a strange house.

Grady, she ain't in no condition

to do nothing, man.

She'll probably fall in the sink.

No, she'll be all right. Just give her...

She fell in the sink.

Cousin Emma! Cousin Emma, are you all right?

Oh, cousin Emma.

Oh, Grady, I'm so sorry,

but it just slipped

right on through my hands. Oh.

You see, I get these dizzy spells.

I know.

Now, just come on over here and sit down.

Just take it easy, now.

I'll just sit here

till I get over my dizzy spell,

and then I'm going to fix you both

a nice breakfast.

Now, Emma, maybe you really don't feel up to it,

so why don't you just let me fix breakfast, all right?

Oh, no, no, no, that wouldn't be fair,

and I don't want to be no trouble,

and I said I'd do it,

but if you insist on fixing the breakfast,

then right on.

Now, now, yeah, Emma, now, Lamont and I can handle it.

Lamont will help me, won't you, Lamont?

I'm going... Thanks for helping me, Lamont.

Yeah, we'll take care of it.

Well, I'll let you do that,

but then you clear out of the kitchen

so I can do the dishes and the cleaning

and fix you a nice big supper.

Yeah, well, Emma, you see, I'm in charge here,

so I don't ever leave anyway.

Well, you'll just be in my way,

so you just clear out

after you're finished the breakfast.

But, Emma... No "buts." Just out.

Where are you going now, Emma?

Going back to my bedroom until breakfast is ready.

I want to be good and rested for my day's work.

Call me... Call me when it's ready.

You want to know what I think?

I think your cousin Emma is a goldbrick.

Oh, no, don't say that.

She's just got to get used to the place, that's all.

She's not going to be here that long.

The only good thing about this whole mess

is that you get a chance to go out on the truck with me.

Oh, now, I can't lift no heavy stuff, now,

so don't expect too much.

Mm-hmm. You and Cousin Emma, y'all can't lift nothing,

but you sure know how to throw it around.

Yeah, I feel sorry for her.

That's what happens

when they go through the change.

You mean the change of life?

No, changing from Chicago to Los Angeles.

I'm telling you, Grady Wilson,

if your cousin Emma don't have no supper ready,

I'm personally going to go in there...

Ta ta ta.

I could smell our supper out here.

Mm, do you smell those pinto beans?

Yes, but they're coming from Julio's house.

I'm telling you, if she don't have no supper ready,

I'm not going to put up with this, because...

Uh-huh.

She's not in the kitchen.

You know what I think?

I think she's upstairs in bed.

I'll bet you she spent the whole day in bed.

Oh, no, Emma wouldn't do anything like that.

Emma!

Emma?

Yeah? I'll be right there.

Well?

Is your cousin Emma a goldbrick, or is she a goldbrick?

I knew it.

I knew it the first day

she was going to be trouble.

I wonder if she's really sick.

Come on, Grady, you're not buying all of this.

You don't believe she's stringing us along?

Well, you know, older women like that

have things wrong with them.

Maybe she's got a gallbladder.

She's got them both, gall and bladder.

But mostly she's got gall.

I want her out of this house today, Grady Wilson.

You got that? Today!

Hi, Grady. Hi, Lamont.

I'm so sorry.

I would have had supper ready...

but I began feeling bad.

Was it another dizzy spell?

No, I was putting on my dress, and my hip went out,

and now I'm walking crooked.

Oh, but I'll be fine in the morning.

I'm going to fix you a nice big breakfast.

Do you like pancakes and strawberry syrup?

Emma, uh, look.

You don't have to worry about us.

As a matter of fact,

why don't you just sit down over here

and just take it easy,

and we'll get supper ready.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure, Emma.

Well, I'd do it, but I'm still a little dizzy,

and the room is spinning around.

Never mind. Just take it it easy, Emma.

Lamont... Get in the kitchen!

In the kitchen! Just get in the kitchen!

Grady, you...

Don't worry about a thing, now.

Just hush.

Now, I didn't see it at first,

but now I see it. I see it all.

Well, I sure wish you'd show it to me.

Well, now, you see, she's a relative,

so I've got to be a little subtle.

I have to sort of ease into it.

Well, why don't you ease

on out into the living room

and tell Emma to ease the hell out of here?

Well, no, that's not subtle enough.

I've got another idea.

I'm sorry I can't help you.

Oh, but you just wait

and see the big breakfast I'm going to fix you

in the morning.

Well, your hip seems to be okay now, Cousin Emma.

Well, I... I can sit straight, but I walk crooked.

Uh, Cousin Emma,

Lamont and I were in the kitchen there

trying to figure out

what we were going to have for supper.

Now, how would you like fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni?

Oh, that sounds fine.

Or maybe you'd like to go Italian?

Veal parmigiana and Spaghetti-Os?

That sounds good.

Uh, let's see. What else...

Hey, Grady, what's the matter with you?

I don't know, Lamont, but I think I've got it.

I think it was being out on the truck again.

Oh, no! Not again. That's twice this month.

Lamont, I'm sure I've got it.

Got what? What have you got?

It's the... It's the...

It's the...

It's the Junkman's Itch or the Hong Kong Hives.

Yeah, and if you've got it,

that means I've got it too.

What is the Hong Kong Hives?

Well, it's a... It's a... It's a...

It's a disease that you get, Emma,

from working around a junkyard,

and it's very contagious.

Very contagious.

But you don't have to worry,

as long as you don't touch anything that we touch.

You see...

You see these... These hives breaking out on my arm here?

Oh, I touched her!

Crazy fool!

Oh, my God. What do I do now?

Well, you've got to do what we do.

You've got to take a hot vinegar bath

and scrub yourself all over with Brillo pads.

I'm going upstairs and start mine now.

Yeah, hey, Lamont, when you're through,

run the tub for me!

Emma, you can take one after I get through.

Yours haven't started to spread yet.

Hey, hey, that was pretty good, Grady.

Do you think she went for it?

I don't know, but we'll know in a few minutes.

I think I hear her in your room now.

Well, I hope she's going in there to pack.

Yeah, I don't know what she's doing, but she...

Shh. I hear her now. I hear her.

Now she's sounds like she's running downstairs.

Did you hear the front door open and close?

No, it sounds like she's going in the kitchen.

Oh, oh, Lamont, you know what?

Now, if she's a true Wilson,

she might just be coming through in a pinch.

What?

You know, some people are like that.

They can't get going unless there's a crisis.

You know, like Nixon. You see what he's doing now?

Let's get downstairs

and see if she's in the kitchen.

Okay.

Emma?

Emma?

She's gone!

Hey, her bag's not out here.

She must be gone.

I've got to hand it to you.

We did it.

Yeah.

Well, I come up with a goodie every now and then.

Put her there, Grady. Okay.

Well, now we can have our supper.

Good idea.

Have ourselves some fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni...

Rice-A-Roni, fried chicken wings.

Hey, the fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni, it's gone.

I think she took the chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni.

She did what?

Yeah.

Well, what the heck, Grady?

Look, man, it was worth it.

At least we got rid of her.

Yeah. That's right.

What's the matter with you, Grady?

I don't know, but I'm beginning to itch.

Well...

Well, stop, because you're making me itch.

You think maybe we really got it?

Got what?

The Junkman's Itch.

Grady, we made that up, man.

That don't exist.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to take a bath!

Hang on!

Let me go first!

I'll get that. I'll get it.

Who is it, Lamont?

Are you expecting somebody?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Why don't you go on back there in the kitchen

and finish washing dishes?

That is what you was doing, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, but who's at the door, Lamont?

Oh, hi, sugar. You're right on time.

Hello.

Who's that, Lamont?

Oh, I'm sorry, Grady. This is my cousin.

Cousin Lorraine... and Cousin Lorraine

is going to be staying with us for a while,

right, Cousin Lorraine?

Anything you say, baby.

If you can have a cousin stay with you,

then so can I.

Well, can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure. Excuse me, Cousin Lorraine.

You know, I thought we had learned our lesson

from that.

You know, that experience we had with Cousin Emma,

and she couldn't do anything.

Now, maybe it'll happen again.

Oh, no chance, Grady. No.

Well, why not?

Show him what you do best, Cousin Lorraine.

Whoa.

Well, why don't you go on back in the kitchen, Grady?

Wait a minute, now. That ain't no cousin.

You... You can't fool me.

I know a cousin when I see one,

and that ain't no cousin.

If that's the way it's going to be,

I want a cousin too!

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.