Original subtitles

[ snoring ]

- [ music playing ] - [ alarms ringing ]

♪ When you, when you told me ♪

♪ That you, that you were unhappy ♪

♪ I asked you to say it in French ♪

♪ 'Cause I thought that whatever you had to say ♪

♪ Would sound much better that way ♪

♪ Or at least a little bit more romantic ♪

♪ Romantic, romantic

♪ Oh, my God, was I wrong

♪ When you look at me

♪ You see lonely ♪

♪ When I look at you ♪

- This is mine. - This is mine.

♪ I don't know what I see

Kat: Okay, here I go. Don't be intimidated.

Just think of this place as my kingdom.

I'm Mufasa. No, Scar!

Hello, I'm here to interview for the Young Directors' Fellowship.

It's just called the Directors' Fellowship.

- Oh. - We know each other, Kat.

You and I were in the same Improv 101 class together

and you kept doing all those "SNL" characters,

but you claimed you'd never seen "SNL."

Did we? I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

I do remember you, Sheila.

Power move!

Waiting room's down the hall.

Party on, Sheila.

Excuse me.

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Can you all circle up?

Quickly.

So, Gurknotters, as we all know,

we haven't had a hit pill in a while.

Sabantamed was a huge disappointment.

- More like Sabanta-dead. - Good one.

That was a good one.

But because of impending lawsuits, we are going to have to make some cutbacks,

which means layoffs.

Not for all of you, just some of you.

- Oh, no. - Tiff, this must be so hard for you.

- It is. - Bring it in, girl.

I got you.

I'm gonna get laid off, I know it.

Everyone knows Tiff just keeps the people she likes around.

I gotta get in that inner circle.

So, you describe your directing style as "jihad"?

Yeah. See, why I'm a good fit for the Young Directors' Fellowship--

It's just the Directors' Fellowship.

It's because my style

is an intense mush-up of what we're okay with

and what we're super not okay with.

Your resume is mostly... babysitting.

Oh, I went to college for acting.

Then I transitioned into playwriting.

Then I was a photographer. Then I moved back to the theater.

And now I'm a director.

Definitely.

- Well, our program... - Oh, shit.

Did it sound like I don't know what I'm saying?

Do I know what I'm saying? Oh, well, I've made my choice.

The only thing to do? Do my choice harder.

I recently started my own theater company. We're called [ bleep ] Fear.

- Why is she here? - Donations.

- Mm. - Well, Miss Souza, this has been great.

- Yeah, it has. - So, moving forward,

do you have any production videos you could send us?

Do I? I don't.

Maybe I should think less on how not to be fired,

and more on how I'm gonna cope with being fired.

Really consider the reality so it doesn't hurt as much.

And maybe I'm focusing too much on work anyway.

[ toilet flushing ]

And you know what they say,

all work and no play makes a woman's eggs worthless.

- David? - Hey, June, sorry if I scared you.

Kat let me in. I'm done fixing your sink.

Cool. How have you been?

I think I've turned a corner in therapy.

We're using these dolls-- uh, it's a whole thing.

That's great.

Therapy!

He's telling me about therapy. Is this foreplay?

Well, till next time.

Yep. Yeah.

Somebody's hard.

God! Stop! He could have heard you. Stop doing that.

Nah, I'm real sneaky.

Why don't you just stop being a lame-o and ask him out?

I don't know. I mean, it would give my life meaning.

- Then do it, GF. He seems really horny. - Okay.

- She's not gonna do it. - I'm not gonna do it.

- She's too scared. - I'm too scared.

So how did the interview go?

Really well, actually.

All I have to do is send them a video of one of my past productions.

- So... - But you don't have any past productions.

That they know of. I invited some [ bleep ] Fear to come over later

so we can film an award-winning play we did.

Get it? 'Cause we didn't, but we're pretending, so...

Yeah, I-- I get it. It's, um-- it's very clever.

'Cause of the winking?

Well, two eyes, so, you know, um, blinking.

No because when I blink this eye the other eye hurts, like, really bad.

So then I'm like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Stop doing it then! You're doing it to yourself.

Okay. It's easy to not do.

But it's a legitimate disability.

You can't say that.

Okay, I think the only thing that really matters is showing our aesthetic.

What's our aesthetic again?

Just like things that are scary and sexy,

but also say, "Huh. That is true."

- Totally. - I agree with that.

- I want to have duct tape on my mouth. - That's a great start.

- Nudity. - Oh, for sure.

- Witches. - Oh, [ bleep ].

Are we all thinking the same thing?

- Punk. - Twins: Punk.

All: Rock "Macbeth"!

- Nice. - Pomegranates.

- People on dog leashes! - I was literally just about to say that.

- Aah! Yes! Yes! - Yeah!

Oh, my God. It's so embarrassing.

- Why would you do that? - Why would she do this?

- Mm-mm. That's not the way to go. - [ chuckles ]

- Have you seen this yet? - Yes.

Need to learn to listen to the question before answering.

Uh, no.

Okay, well, Megan from accounting made a music video.

- You have to see it. - Yeah.

It's on YouTube.

♪ Believe in yourself

♪ Believe in your dreams

♪ 'Cause we're all made of dream ♪

Oh, I don't want to laugh at this.

I like Megan. She's the only one who's nice to me.

[ forced laughter ]

That is bad! Whoo-wee!

Do it, June. Join the fray.

And slowly... okay, no one noticed.

Going good.

Now I have to contribute something.

Do I...

If you think that's bad, wait till you see this.

[ phone clicks ]

[ music playing ]

all: Double, double, toil, and trouble.

cauldron boil and... [ high-pitched shrieking ]

[ punk music playing ]

- What? - Whoa.

We are not afraid.

[ screaming ]

- [ chuckles ] - Wow.

Shakespeare is rolling over in her grave.

That's right, I said it. A lady.

That was the worst thing I've ever seen,

and it's amazing.

- Are those the team-building girls? - Yes. I live with one of them.

- Ew, why? - "Ew, why?" Exactly. I know.

Oh, my God. I would seriously go see a show because it looks so bad.

- Yeah. - It's a weird ironic thing that I do.

- Oh. - It's crazy, I know.

That's so weird and ironic and crazy.

- I love that outfit. - Oh, I heart yours too.

She hearts mine's too.

I have to send this to my Sigma Phi Taffeta girls.

- Can you send me a link? - I want one, too.

- Ooh, and me. - Yeah, totes magotes, guys.

Consider it sent. Whoosh.

- Thanks. - Oh, my gosh. This is gonna be so...

I'm in! This isn't bad.

I'm not really making fun of Kat.

I'm doing this to keep my job.

If I don't have a job, then I can't pay rent.

Then Kat and I would be homeless,

and I hear more homeless women are being raped these days.

I have to make fun of Kat so she doesn't get raped.

So this is what it feels like to go viral.

Exhilarating, nerve-wracking, completely titillating.

- [ computer chimes ] - Stupid June.

Probably another chain letter she's scared to not forward to seven people.

- What the? - [ gasps ]

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

June! I always knew you were a fat piece of shit.

Okay. Just gotta hide for a couple days

until I've crafted an incredibly sincere apology.

Sneak into the kitchen, grab a few snack packs,

maybe just grab a few bottles of water to--

Well, well, well.

Sneaking in so you don't have to face me because you're a coward?

No. Yes.

Kat, I am so sorry. I do not think your video was lame.

I promise. I was just trying to fit in.

Like a lame Mary Warren.

And you're brave, sexy Abigail.

Oh, I'm so Abigail. And David is John Proctor.

Which works really well because he has a dead wife.

- Yeah. - No!

Stop distracting me with fun "Crucible" casting.

I'm sorry.

I just had to belittle someone to make a girl think I was cool.

Okay, that's what every unlikeable character ever written says.

Yes, exactly! I would never claim to be likeable.

Well, two can play at that game.

Why are you making those faces?

- You got a calendar? - Yeah.

You notice anything written on it?

What?

You're going on a date with David?

- My David? - Yeah. I asked him out,

and he basically [ bleep ] all over himself.

Oh. You know what?

I was just about to start maybe lightly trusting you,

and then you stab me in the back.

- How could you do this to me? - How could you do what you did to me?

He's the love of my life!

Well, not anymore. I'm his new dead wife-- regular wife.

Oh, that is so low.

I'm probably gonna kill myself I'm so sad.

Cool. You and Mrs. David can watch us having sex

while you're getting fat in heaven.

You di-- you know, I can't believe you.

Wait, when did you get a calendar?

- I just had it. - No, you didn't.

- I did. I had it. - No, you didn't.

You bought that calendar specifically for this moment.

- Oh, it is so on. - It is on like Donkey Kong.

- Is a many times on. - It is on like the bomb.com has been known to be on.

♪ I'd trade my tears for an ounce of flour ♪

♪ And from that flour so bread I'd bake ♪

♪ And feed that bread to you I would ♪

♪ And you would know my sadness ♪

- Hey, June. - [ gasps ]

David?

You got a nice voice.

Oh, uh, me? [ chuckles ]

I'm glad I ran into you. I, uh, forgot to invite you

to a fundraiser I'm throwing this Friday.

- This Friday? - Yeah, it's to fund research

on the disease that killed my wife.

Ha-ha-ha. It looks like little Miss Everyone Wants To Have Sex With Me isn't.

I'm inviting everyone. I told Kat to invite you.

[ laughing ]

My therapist wants me to think about Judy's disease like a man.

A man she left me for.

And the only thing left for me to do now is...

kill the man.

By throwing him a party?

No. It's...

a fundraiser to fund research to cure the disease...

kill the man. I think that's...

Screw you for lying to me, Kat.

I'm gonna have sex with David. Me!

And it will be so casual, we'll probably get married.

...and the money is the sword, so that's...

It's Friday at 7:00.

[ chuckles ]

Getting ready for your date?

- Yeah. - Cool.

Very...cool.

Okay, what are you-- why are you making those faces?

Oh, no reason.

All right, I get it. You want me to-- okay, Jesus.

Oh, everyone's invited? I knew not.

Oh, you knew did.

David told me as much.

See ya there, Cha-cha.

Oh, bad walk choice.

This may be undercutting my victory.

No, we're fine.

[ inhales, exhales deeply ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

Okay, where's David?

You hear the phrase, "shell of a man"?

- Damn it! - You're never really sure what it means till you're there.

You know what's a cool statistic I just learned?

- What? - You know the game Rock, Paper, Scissors?

- I do. - Well, studies show that men...

they choose rock,

and women, well,

they choose scissors.

Who would do this study? That seems like a really unnecessary study.

- I'm gonna see if my buddy needs any help. - Okay, uh...

- Nuts. - [ chuckles ]

Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.

- I bet I could jump over you. - How much you want to bet Tessa could jump over you?

- I have a mentally strong... - Even those two are talking to people.

I'm so alone.

David!

Hi. Hi, David.

This party is off the hook.

Oh, thanks. Sorry, we just lost one of our hosts.

To the sickness?

No, no. [ chuckles ]

- He had to go home. - Oh.

Excuse me, I gotta go put on some more music.

Oh, June can do that. She loves music.

Talking about it, choosing it.

She's just all strong opinions about music.

- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Cool. Uh, my computer's over there.

[ chuckles ] Cool.

Oh, God. My biggest fear.

- [ heart beating ] - Okay, remember, no matter what,

you will make the wrong choice.

[ music playing ]

- Who chose this? - I don't know, I'm just trying to change it for the--

Oh, my God, Tiff! Too much.

June, hi. Can I put something else on?

Yes! After you.

- There. - Cool choice.

- Yeah. So what brings you here? - Yeah.

Oh, uh, Well, David's our landlord.

And I'm just here supporting the cause.

- Mm-hmm. - You know, I just really believe in the cause. You?

I was in a lady book club with his late wife.

So sad.

I mean, we just has no idea that she was sick the whole time.

- It's just... - Am I dancing with Tiff?

Oh, my God. We're hanging out.

I may not get fired.

This is the best night of my life!

Like, I want to read a little bit, but not, like, a lot.

- I'm not a nerd. - No.

[ indistinct chatter ]

I just feel so bad for David and those two little girls.

It's just-- it's ver-- it's-- it's so hard.

Looks like I'll be going home alone, as is my wont.

- David has AIDS, so... - Yeah.

Wait, what? Who does?

David's wife died of AIDS? And he has it, too?

Is that what we're here for?

"Many Tired AIDS-y Dads"?

[ gasps ] No wonder he's so sleepy all the time.

That is so horribly sad. Oh, shit.

Kat just left with him, and she never uses protection. I have to warn her!

- I have to pee. - Mm, okay.

But make it a respectful warning, June.

There's an acceptance of AIDS right now,

and I'm not quite sure how to navigate.

- David, that's a big case of wine. - [ gasps ]

- You got some wine in there. - Kat! Kat!

Just-- oh, my God, listen. Where's-- where's David?

He went to get more wine for the party, and then he says we're gonna have sex.

Or he said, "And then you'll help me carry it," but same thing.

Oh, thank God. Okay, listen.

- What? - David has AIDS.

- No, he doesn't. - Yeah, he does.

- Okay, June, this is real desperate. - Kat, I'm serious.

It's what his wife died of. This benefit is for him, for his AIDS.

Oh, Jesus. No wonder he's so sleepy.

- That's what I said. - I was gonna have sex with him without a condom.

Yeah, I know, without a condom.

I gotta stop doing that.

- Yes! - Oh, my God. Oh, whoops.

- I gotta help him carry more wine. Ugh. - What?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ] Poor David.

He must feel so broken and unlovable.

I know what happened, and I want to say I'm sorry

about your life or what's left of it.

Wow, um, thank you.

I mean, uh, oh, God.

Uh, well, I-- ahem.

It's been hard, um...

You know what? [ bleep ] convention.

F the CDC. This sick man is a human being.

Fuck fear. I'm gonna have sex with this man with AIDS

because it is the right thing to do.

I am so incredibly raving good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm kissing you because you have AIDS.

Does my bravery turn you on?

- Jesus, I don't have AIDS. - Yes, you do.

Your wife gave them to you. June told me.

I've actually told both of you many times how she died.

Oh, my God, was June lying to me to stop me from sleeping with David?

Oh, that is low.

And...

nothing matters.

Twins, beat her up!

- Wait, what? Why? - [ twins growling ]

- Stop! - 'Cause you told me David has AIDS.

- He does! - Nobody has AIDS!

I mean, you know, some people do have AIDS.

- But Tiff told me that-- - What? No. No, no, no, no, no.

I said it must be really hard for David to take care of two kids on his own,

but he has aides to help.

- So he does have AIDS! - No, Kat,

aides as in helpers. And why would you say that so accusatory?

Why would she say it so non-colloquially?

I think that this was a mistake.

I wasn't ready. He already won.

- Who's he? - He is who Judy left him for.

Judy had an affair?

She was having an affair with the disease!

What was the disease again?

I have told you so many times.

You should go.

Yep, okay, mm-hmm.

Oh, no. It is done. Let's go.

It's okay.

You're with Tiff now.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I have to go back and explain to Tiff

that I have a listening disability. Yes, that's what I'll say.

She can't fire me if I have a auditory handicap.

And I'll tell David that I'm sorry and I love him.

Okay, don't be an idiot. It's gonna be fine.

Tiff got to play the hero, and David, well,

he's too good for you.

- You're right, you're right. - And I'd make a fat ass donation

- to mystery disease, if I were you. - Uh-huh.

Thanks for trying to save my life

when you wrongly told me David had AIDS.

It's the least I could do.

Just bring it up. You can do it.

Hey, um...

I feel really bad about the video thing.

[ laughing ] Grovel!

- Go on. - It's just that I generally

feel insecure and you never do.

You always take risks and follow your gut.

And I don't know, I just wish I could be more like that.

Oh, no, I'm starting to say real things.

Ha-ha, she's saying real things.

Oh, no, I want to, too. Thanks.

I mean, I kinda had that idea, but thanks for saying that.

And I'm sorry for lying about having a date with David.

I was feeling bad about myself.

And I wanted to hurt you

'cause it makes me feel better about myself.

Well, what are best friends for, right?

- Did I mean that? - Did you mean that?

No, that can't be. She's ridiculous.

She's crazy, but I do love her more than anyone I know.

Both: My God.

[ music playing ]

- Oh! - [ chuckles ]

- Oh, I don't know how to walk like this. - I'm really off-balance,

but I can't pull out of the hold now.

I guess I have to live with my terrible choices,

as is my wont.

[ music playing ]