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1
00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:08,375
- [ horn honking ]
- [ gasps ]
2
00:00:08,379 --> 00:00:11,169
- I've been so jumpy lately.
- Me, too. I don't know why.
3
00:00:11,172 --> 00:00:13,552
Maybe it's because
something's in retrograde.
4
00:00:13,551 --> 00:00:15,551
- Mercury?
- No.
5
00:00:15,551 --> 00:00:18,661
- But maybe we're just
being paranoid.
- Or maybe it's just like
6
00:00:18,655 --> 00:00:20,655
- how scary the news is.
- Yeah, I know.
7
00:00:20,655 --> 00:00:22,825
I'm, like, freaked out,
like, all the time.
8
00:00:22,827 --> 00:00:24,377
Yeah.
9
00:00:24,379 --> 00:00:27,969
- Okay, well, bye.
- Okay, see ya.
10
00:00:27,965 --> 00:00:31,685
Man: The fatal stab wound
was a four inch laceration
to her jugular.
11
00:00:31,689 --> 00:00:34,659
Woman:
Previously on "Murder Time,"
all that was left
12
00:00:34,655 --> 00:00:37,405
- was an intestine and a shoe.
- [ woman screaming ]
13
00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,663
Ugh.
14
00:00:43,689 --> 00:00:46,929
Someone brought in bagels.
I'm so hungry.
15
00:00:46,931 --> 00:00:49,001
If I get up now,
Kev will want to talk.
16
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,620
I already said good morning.
I have nothing else to offer.
17
00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:54,720
He'll ask me what I did
last night, which was nothing.
18
00:00:54,724 --> 00:00:57,454
[ exhales ]
I can't disappoint him again.
19
00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:03,925
Hmm.
I wonder how many are left.
20
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:06,341
Oh, they're probably all egg.
21
00:01:11,103 --> 00:01:13,483
If my bathroom schedule
is accurate,
22
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:16,282
Kev should be going
any second now.
23
00:01:19,689 --> 00:01:23,029
All right, I have two minutes
40 seconds to get my bagel
24
00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:24,624
and back.
No time to toast.
25
00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:27,280
I was like, "Yeah, I'll put that
in the suggestion box."
26
00:01:27,275 --> 00:01:30,755
Little does she know,
we don't have a suggestion box.
27
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,688
- [ laughter ]
- Oh, Tiff.
28
00:01:32,689 --> 00:01:36,409
Cream cheese
on a blueberry bagel?
29
00:01:36,413 --> 00:01:38,833
- What an adventurer.
- Where are we gonna put
those suggestions?
30
00:01:38,827 --> 00:01:43,547
- [ laughter ]
- Okay, just get the bagel
and go.
31
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:45,721
I don't need a suggestion box
to know that you guys are sad.
32
00:01:45,724 --> 00:01:48,834
- I'm gonna uplift us.
- Oh, damn them all to hell.
33
00:01:48,827 --> 00:01:51,407
I went to facebook.com,
where I get all my career
advice,
34
00:01:51,413 --> 00:01:55,763
and I saw a video
about how to improve
productivity and efficiency.
35
00:01:55,758 --> 00:02:00,588
And the way you can do that
is by adding a fun family
environment to the workplace.
36
00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:04,446
[ chuckles ]
You said fun and family together
like that's a thing.
37
00:02:04,448 --> 00:02:07,718
It's-- it is a thing.
I think that's a great idea.
38
00:02:07,724 --> 00:02:10,454
And you know what?
We're going to get rid
of the cubicles.
39
00:02:10,448 --> 00:02:13,758
Sweet God, no.
I need my cubicle.
40
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:16,518
Break down the walls.
Break down the barriers.
41
00:02:16,517 --> 00:02:18,237
We're gonna have
an open office plan
42
00:02:18,241 --> 00:02:20,591
where we get to actually
look at each other.
43
00:02:20,586 --> 00:02:22,376
But I hate people
looking at me.
44
00:02:22,379 --> 00:02:26,479
- From the moment you walk in--
- What fresh hell is this?
45
00:02:26,482 --> 00:02:29,792
I love boundaries.
I hate broken down walls.
46
00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:32,143
You will not be able to hide
in this office anymore.
47
00:02:32,137 --> 00:02:35,067
- Oh, hey, June.
- [ nervous chuckles ]
48
00:02:35,068 --> 00:02:39,168
- Yeah, everyone's gonna benefit
from this, I can tell.
- Yeah.
49
00:02:39,172 --> 00:02:42,032
I have gathered you here
to watch me burn what is left
50
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:44,284
from my time
at the Lower Roscoe
Theater Company.
51
00:02:44,275 --> 00:02:46,235
- May they rot in hell.
- Yes.
52
00:02:46,241 --> 00:02:49,481
- Yes! Rot in hell.
- Amen! Amen!
53
00:02:49,482 --> 00:02:54,902
All my sweat and tears,
all for naught.
54
00:02:54,896 --> 00:02:56,446
- Ah.
- Oh!
55
00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:57,758
And this?
56
00:02:57,758 --> 00:03:01,278
From my standout performance
as "girl" in "The Crucible."
57
00:03:01,275 --> 00:03:05,655
- Both: Oh.
- A reviewer called it... loud.
58
00:03:05,655 --> 00:03:08,825
Twins, storefront theater
is a road to nowhere.
59
00:03:08,827 --> 00:03:10,307
I am done
with black box theater.
60
00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:12,410
It's time to do something
completely different.
61
00:03:12,413 --> 00:03:15,553
- Accounting?
- Corporate theater.
62
00:03:15,551 --> 00:03:18,621
- Oh.
- The three of us are gonna
start our own theater company,
63
00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:21,690
and I don't want
any rinky-dink shit.
I want to make money, baby.
64
00:03:21,689 --> 00:03:24,589
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, speaking our language.
65
00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:26,786
But doing theater
doesn't make money.
66
00:03:26,793 --> 00:03:28,833
Yes, but
teaching theater does.
67
00:03:28,827 --> 00:03:31,307
I mean, these corporate theater
people don't care about the art.
68
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,240
- They're in it for the clams.
- Oh.
69
00:03:33,241 --> 00:03:35,281
We'll be like Second City,
70
00:03:35,275 --> 00:03:39,165
and we'll lure untalented people
and teach them improv while
sucking them dry.
71
00:03:39,172 --> 00:03:42,282
- Yes.
- Then we'll help boring office
workers team build
72
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:44,095
and do trust fall
bullshit,
73
00:03:44,103 --> 00:03:46,033
and then we'll have
bullying training.
74
00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:47,864
- Yes!
- Oh, my dream.
75
00:03:47,862 --> 00:03:51,072
No. Like anti-bullying,
not how to.
76
00:03:51,068 --> 00:03:54,138
- Oh, right.
- Okay, so we gotta come up
with a great name.
77
00:03:54,137 --> 00:03:56,687
- Like something catchy.
- How about Catchy?
78
00:03:56,689 --> 00:03:59,659
- Uh, but we also
teach baseball.
- That's not bad.
79
00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:01,855
- I didn't think of that.
- Hey, Kat.
80
00:04:01,862 --> 00:04:04,552
- Huh?
- Do you know where
all the paper towels went?
81
00:04:04,551 --> 00:04:07,861
- I just bought some.
- I'm using them for the base
of my fire.
82
00:04:07,862 --> 00:04:09,622
Okay, well,
I need them for work.
83
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:14,210
- To stuff into
my sweaty armpits.
- Fine.
84
00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:16,786
But just take two 'cause this
is a very important fire.
85
00:04:22,206 --> 00:04:27,716
Mm, okay.
Okay, here's an article against
camaraderie in the workplace.
86
00:04:27,724 --> 00:04:29,284
"Fear is the best way to lead."
87
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:31,655
See? At least
someone agrees with me.
88
00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:33,925
Oh, this is a Hitler quote.
Never mind.
89
00:04:33,931 --> 00:04:36,211
I don't understand
what the big deal is.
90
00:04:36,206 --> 00:04:37,716
They're trying to take away
my cubicle.
91
00:04:37,724 --> 00:04:40,174
Without my cubicle,
there's nowhere for me to hide,
92
00:04:40,172 --> 00:04:41,722
and then I'm forced
to make small talk
93
00:04:41,724 --> 00:04:44,314
and say things like,
"Any fun plans this weekend?"
94
00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:46,590
and notice people's haircuts.
I can't do that.
95
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:49,026
Well, what's the deal
with this open space bullshit?
96
00:04:49,034 --> 00:04:52,864
They're trying to make us
into a work family.
97
00:04:52,862 --> 00:04:54,242
Like through forced bonding
exercises?
98
00:04:54,241 --> 00:04:56,831
- I guess.
- That would be perfect.
99
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,337
- What?
- Nothing.
100
00:04:58,344 --> 00:05:01,104
I mean, a work family
sounds great for you, June,
101
00:05:01,103 --> 00:05:02,763
And it would bring you
closer to Tiff.
102
00:05:02,758 --> 00:05:05,208
No, no, no way, no way.
103
00:05:05,206 --> 00:05:07,546
If we were a family,
I'd probably be the weird uncle
104
00:05:07,551 --> 00:05:09,411
who always got caught
in a pyramid scheme.
105
00:05:09,413 --> 00:05:12,173
That's who she reminds me of,
Uncle Gerald.
106
00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:14,172
Plus, the more forced
interactions we have,
107
00:05:14,172 --> 00:05:17,382
- the more Tiff will notice
my idiosyncrasies.
- Multitude of flaws.
108
00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:19,659
What?
109
00:05:19,655 --> 00:05:23,375
Okay, I have a very carefully
crafted five-year plan
110
00:05:23,379 --> 00:05:26,029
to befriend Tiff,
and in order for this to work,
111
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:27,904
I need my cubicle.
112
00:05:27,896 --> 00:05:30,856
- Wait, it's gonna take you
five years?
- I know. Fast.
113
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:33,722
- Wha--?
- It starts with a look.
114
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:36,764
And then a few weeks later,
we share a laugh
by the microwave.
115
00:05:36,758 --> 00:05:39,588
She'll say, "Hey,
want to grab a glass of vino
after work?"
116
00:05:39,586 --> 00:05:43,826
This becomes a bimonthly
tradition that everyone
wants to join, but it's just us.
117
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:46,547
Then one night she'll feel
a little sad and not want
to go out,
118
00:05:46,551 --> 00:05:48,451
so we'll binge watch
all four seasons of "The Crown,"
119
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,898
even though I've already
seen it.
120
00:05:50,896 --> 00:05:53,096
Well, there's only
two seasons.
121
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,003
By then, there'll be four.
122
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,790
The years of work culminate
when I finally watch her
walk down the aisle.
123
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:03,173
- Wait, you're marrying her?
- No, I-- I'm her maid of honor.
124
00:06:03,172 --> 00:06:05,212
[ chuckles ]
Oh.
125
00:06:05,206 --> 00:06:08,096
And even though burnt sienna
is not my color,
126
00:06:08,103 --> 00:06:11,483
I wore it... for Tiff.
127
00:06:11,482 --> 00:06:14,552
Ugh. Now all I can see
when I look at her
is Uncle Gerald.
128
00:06:14,551 --> 00:06:18,721
- How can someone not like
white water rafting?
- Oh, please, it's racist.
129
00:06:18,724 --> 00:06:22,484
Hey, June,
we're gonna eat outside
if you want to join.
130
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:25,692
- It's a beautiful day.
- Uh, yeah, maybe I will.
131
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,139
Great.
132
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,167
Nope. My meatballs may be
too pungent.
133
00:06:29,172 --> 00:06:31,002
Not a risk I can take.
Bathroom is better.
134
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,170
- [ screams ]
- Sorry. Whoa.
135
00:06:33,172 --> 00:06:35,792
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just had an audition
down the street.
136
00:06:35,793 --> 00:06:38,863
Wanted to see where you worked,
where the magic happens.
137
00:06:38,862 --> 00:06:40,242
- What?
- It's pretty boring, but...
138
00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,901
All right, well,
I gotta go.
139
00:06:41,896 --> 00:06:43,446
I'll see you at home.
[ chuckles ]
140
00:06:43,448 --> 00:06:45,278
Ow!
141
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:46,615
Oh.
142
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:48,240
What was that?
143
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,761
- [ screams ]
- Dude, great idea.
144
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:53,858
- You are.
- Uh, I don't think
you were listening to me.
145
00:06:53,862 --> 00:06:56,032
- I'm sorry.
- I'm talking about your flyer.
146
00:06:56,034 --> 00:07:01,144
"Office bonding.
Thought this would be good
for us, hugs and kisses, June."
147
00:07:01,137 --> 00:07:04,137
I've never hugged and kisses
in my life.
148
00:07:04,137 --> 00:07:06,617
They have an opening tomorrow.
Yeah!
149
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:10,210
Yes!
150
00:07:10,206 --> 00:07:12,926
I'm going to kill Kat.
151
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:16,591
[ music playing ]
152
00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:20,166
- What do you think
you're doing?
- Uh, I'm a feminist, okay?
153
00:07:20,172 --> 00:07:23,622
- We can wear whatever we want.
- No. Are you insane?
154
00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:25,170
Insanely innovative?
Yeah.
155
00:07:25,172 --> 00:07:27,382
Look, you said you wanted
bonding time in your workplace.
156
00:07:27,379 --> 00:07:29,619
This is exactly what
my company does.
157
00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:33,030
No, I said
the exact opposite of that.
158
00:07:33,034 --> 00:07:35,144
This will be great
for both of us.
159
00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:36,897
I can condense
your five-year plan
160
00:07:36,896 --> 00:07:38,966
into a long day
with a paid lunch break.
161
00:07:38,965 --> 00:07:41,855
Improv games?
Trust exercises?
162
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,762
This is my worst nightmare.
163
00:07:43,758 --> 00:07:46,518
Okay, I thought you said
your worst nightmare was
being eaten by a dolphin.
164
00:07:46,517 --> 00:07:49,337
It's the same thing.
It's getting lulled
into a false sense of security
165
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,764
and then being eaten alive.
166
00:07:50,758 --> 00:07:53,828
Oh, there is something unnerving
about the clicking.
167
00:07:53,827 --> 00:07:55,927
- [ imitates dolphin ]
- Stop it.
168
00:07:55,931 --> 00:07:59,031
[ imitates dolphin loudly ]
169
00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:01,174
- Stop it!
- Okay. It won't be that bad.
170
00:08:01,172 --> 00:08:04,412
You don't understand.
It is exhausting
171
00:08:04,413 --> 00:08:06,553
trying to keep up
this normal facade.
172
00:08:06,551 --> 00:08:09,721
Bad things happen
when the focus is on me, okay?
173
00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:13,104
If I reach critical mass,
my-- my head gets really hot,
174
00:08:13,103 --> 00:08:14,973
I start sweating
an exorbitant amount,
175
00:08:14,965 --> 00:08:17,655
I lose control,
and I say things
that I wouldn't normally say.
176
00:08:17,655 --> 00:08:20,235
Trust me, okay?
You do not want to see
that happen.
177
00:08:20,241 --> 00:08:22,171
You have to call and cancel.
178
00:08:22,172 --> 00:08:24,482
Okay, look, June,
it's gonna be fine.
179
00:08:24,482 --> 00:08:28,792
I'm going to shine a light
on the few regular parts
of your personality
180
00:08:28,793 --> 00:08:30,553
and keep all the rest
hidden.
181
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:32,931
That's impossible
and you know that.
182
00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:36,481
Okay, June, if at any point
you feel like it's not working
183
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:38,972
- or you're gonna lose it,
I'll shut it down.
- Yes.
184
00:08:38,965 --> 00:08:40,205
- Okay.
- Just say the word.
185
00:08:40,206 --> 00:08:41,516
- What's the word?
- Peacock.
186
00:08:41,517 --> 00:08:43,167
No. I might say that
conversationally.
187
00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:45,072
- What?
- Oh, here, uh, I have an idea.
188
00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:47,588
How about
you just don't do it, okay?
189
00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:50,066
- I'm not gonna do it.
- [ phone chiming ]
190
00:08:50,068 --> 00:08:51,718
Okay, okay.
191
00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:57,590
"Looking forward to tomorrow."
192
00:08:57,586 --> 00:09:01,206
Oh, my sweet God,
could it possibly be?
193
00:09:03,724 --> 00:09:06,594
It's Tiff.
She just texted me.
194
00:09:06,586 --> 00:09:09,276
She looked me up
in the company directory,
found my name and number,
195
00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:11,135
transcribed those ten numbers
into her phone.
196
00:09:11,137 --> 00:09:12,657
Do you know how much time
that takes?
197
00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:14,685
Not long at all.
198
00:09:14,689 --> 00:09:17,589
Okay, I'll do it.
199
00:09:19,655 --> 00:09:20,925
For real?
200
00:09:20,931 --> 00:09:25,691
[ indistinct chatter ]
201
00:09:25,689 --> 00:09:29,379
Okay, clap those hands!
Whoo!
202
00:09:29,379 --> 00:09:32,409
Let's clap those hands.
We're about to learn
some improv.
203
00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:37,453
- Oh, this is gonna be so fun.
- All right, let's get the party
started!
204
00:09:37,448 --> 00:09:38,758
- [ music playing ]
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
205
00:09:38,758 --> 00:09:41,688
[ clamoring ]
206
00:09:41,689 --> 00:09:44,379
Whoo! Okay, twins.
207
00:09:44,379 --> 00:09:46,929
Places.
Okay.
208
00:09:46,931 --> 00:09:51,521
Whoo!
Yeah!
209
00:09:51,517 --> 00:09:54,407
Oh, hey there, fellow stranger,
that I do not know.
210
00:09:54,413 --> 00:09:56,143
Why don't you come on
and join us?
211
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:59,097
I guess this wasn't
a great hiding spot.
212
00:10:01,758 --> 00:10:06,098
Okay.
[ clicking ]
213
00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:08,973
All right, come on.
Right, let's go.
214
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:12,685
Okay, panties.
215
00:10:12,689 --> 00:10:16,899
All right.
Today is the first day
216
00:10:16,896 --> 00:10:18,586
of the rest of your life.
217
00:10:18,586 --> 00:10:20,826
When you leave here today,
218
00:10:20,827 --> 00:10:24,447
you will be bonded
for life.
219
00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:26,378
Okay, let's get to know
each other.
220
00:10:26,379 --> 00:10:30,789
I want everyone to state
a fun fact about themselves,
okay?
221
00:10:30,793 --> 00:10:33,283
I'll go first.
My name is Kat,
222
00:10:33,275 --> 00:10:35,615
and I got a perfect score
on my SATs.
223
00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:37,830
Wow.
That's very impressive.
224
00:10:37,827 --> 00:10:39,857
That's blatantly false.
225
00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:43,282
Hi, I'm Molly,
and I remember my birth.
226
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:46,095
What am I gonna say?
I don't have an interesting
fact.
227
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,173
Oh, this is horrible.
228
00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:52,002
- Uh, how about you?
- Oh, uh, I'm Tiff,
as you all know.
229
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:56,280
And my fun fact
is that I love pasta.
230
00:10:56,275 --> 00:10:59,205
See now,
that is really unexpected.
231
00:10:59,206 --> 00:11:02,236
Oh, Tiff,
you're always full
of surprises.
232
00:11:02,241 --> 00:11:05,141
Why can't I find anything
that interesting?
233
00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:08,167
Okay, um,
how about you?
234
00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:11,862
Hi, I'm Claire,
and I guess this is
sort of interesting,
235
00:11:11,862 --> 00:11:15,662
but when I was a kid,
my appendix exploded.
236
00:11:15,655 --> 00:11:18,375
Ugh, Claire must have played
this game before.
237
00:11:18,379 --> 00:11:24,279
- You are so brave.
- All right, and... you,
in the middle.
238
00:11:24,275 --> 00:11:27,895
Oh, hello, um,
239
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:32,756
I am June,
and my interesting fact
240
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:37,688
is that I, um...
241
00:11:37,689 --> 00:11:40,169
um...
242
00:11:40,172 --> 00:11:41,662
uh...
243
00:11:41,655 --> 00:11:43,615
Okay, it's all right.
244
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,100
It's okay.
You'll be fine.
245
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,283
Come on, quiet girl.
Loosen up.
246
00:11:47,275 --> 00:11:50,445
Like loosen it right here.
Loosen it right here.
247
00:11:50,448 --> 00:11:53,618
Just think Shakira, okay?
And then here.
248
00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:56,380
- Oh!
- Are those paper towels?
249
00:11:56,379 --> 00:11:59,029
Um, y-- yeah.
250
00:11:59,034 --> 00:12:03,414
My interesting fact
is that, uh,
251
00:12:03,413 --> 00:12:06,623
I store paper towels in my shirt
so if someone has a spill,
252
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:09,970
I can clean it up.
253
00:12:09,965 --> 00:12:13,335
You idiot!
Who is possibly gonna buy that?
254
00:12:13,344 --> 00:12:15,414
That's actually really smart.
255
00:12:15,413 --> 00:12:16,483
- Zip.
- Zap.
256
00:12:16,482 --> 00:12:18,002
- Zot.
- Zip.
257
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,100
These corporate zombies
are eating this up,
258
00:12:20,103 --> 00:12:21,793
and I'm the one
who's feeding them.
259
00:12:21,793 --> 00:12:22,933
- Zip.
- Zap.
260
00:12:22,931 --> 00:12:24,481
- Zop.
- That's it.
261
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,072
I'll just look down
the rest of the day.
262
00:12:26,068 --> 00:12:29,028
They can't zip or zap
or zop me
263
00:12:29,034 --> 00:12:30,794
if they can't see my eyes.
264
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,073
- Zop. Oh!
- Zorp.
265
00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:34,658
- Oh! I said zorp.
- You said zorp.
266
00:12:34,655 --> 00:12:36,715
- What's zorp?
- Zorp.
267
00:12:36,724 --> 00:12:40,034
I win.
I am the champion.
268
00:12:40,034 --> 00:12:42,764
Oh, wouldn't it be funny
if I got a trophy?
269
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:45,758
Like if someone brought one
to work tomorrow that just said
"number one."
270
00:12:45,758 --> 00:12:47,138
Like that you could buy
at the drug store.
271
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:49,067
You know, just like
if they did it as a joke.
272
00:12:51,482 --> 00:12:53,382
Okay, uh, great job,
everyone.
273
00:12:53,379 --> 00:12:56,309
Now it's time to start
a little game called
"Story Conductor,"
274
00:12:56,310 --> 00:12:58,480
where we'll work as a team
to tell a story.
275
00:12:58,482 --> 00:13:00,212
And I will be your god.
276
00:13:00,206 --> 00:13:02,066
I will point at you
whenever it's your turn
277
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:03,718
to make a sentence
in the story.
278
00:13:03,724 --> 00:13:06,484
I'll start.
Mary went to the market.
279
00:13:06,482 --> 00:13:09,002
Mary went to the market
to get some special ingredients
280
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,340
for her special dinner
with her special man.
281
00:13:11,344 --> 00:13:13,034
And it was a special night
because Mary knew
282
00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:15,144
that her boyfriend, Teddy,
was going to propose.
283
00:13:15,137 --> 00:13:18,447
- [ squeals ]
- That's my three-year
hand clasp.
284
00:13:18,448 --> 00:13:22,688
But first, Mary and Teddy
had to take a quick trip
to Bone town.
285
00:13:22,689 --> 00:13:24,619
[ laughter ]
286
00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,030
I have to shut this down.
287
00:13:26,034 --> 00:13:27,694
Unfortunately,
as they were disrobing,
288
00:13:27,689 --> 00:13:31,279
Mary's appendix exploded
and she died.
289
00:13:31,275 --> 00:13:34,095
Only to be revived by Teddy,
who happened to be a doctor.
290
00:13:34,103 --> 00:13:36,763
What are the chances
that Teddy's a doctor?
291
00:13:36,758 --> 00:13:40,068
Months later,
there was a wedding
on a beautiful spring day,
292
00:13:40,068 --> 00:13:42,788
and she was surrounded
by all her family and friends.
293
00:13:42,793 --> 00:13:45,553
And with her maid of honor,
Tiff, by her side.
294
00:13:45,551 --> 00:13:48,341
And it was the best day
of her entire life.
295
00:13:48,344 --> 00:13:51,104
- And everyone boned, the end.
- Yeah!
296
00:13:51,103 --> 00:13:53,003
But not the end
because then they got a divorce.
297
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,930
- They would never!
- June, no!
298
00:13:54,931 --> 00:13:58,001
They lived happily ever after
until they were 97 and 99
years old,
299
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,520
- and then they died.
- In a murder-suicide.
300
00:13:59,517 --> 00:14:01,307
June, you're ruining it!
301
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:04,520
[ quietly ]
As the story conductor,
I'm conducting the story.
302
00:14:04,517 --> 00:14:07,067
All right, Kat,
you told me to tell you
if it's not working,
303
00:14:07,068 --> 00:14:09,618
- it's not working.
- It's actually working
really well.
304
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:12,100
No, it's not working
for me.
305
00:14:12,103 --> 00:14:15,213
All right,
I'm just gonna say it.
306
00:14:15,206 --> 00:14:16,586
Peacock.
307
00:14:16,586 --> 00:14:20,096
- Word!
- I'm sorry, June,
I can't stop.
308
00:14:20,103 --> 00:14:22,413
When I told you that before,
309
00:14:22,413 --> 00:14:24,973
I was a mere mortal.
310
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:28,405
And now, I'm a god.
311
00:14:28,413 --> 00:14:30,213
What?
Th-- this isn't you.
312
00:14:30,206 --> 00:14:33,276
Kat, you-- you like plays
that make no sense
313
00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:36,095
and offending audiences
with your honesty.
314
00:14:36,103 --> 00:14:37,553
Okay, that was before.
315
00:14:37,551 --> 00:14:39,521
The old Kat is dead.
316
00:14:39,517 --> 00:14:41,067
The new Kat?
317
00:14:43,724 --> 00:14:46,004
Well, she's corporate,
baby.
318
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,210
Corporate Kat must die.
319
00:14:51,206 --> 00:14:53,546
There's only one thing
to do.
320
00:14:58,793 --> 00:15:02,143
Okay.
Let's see what we have here.
321
00:15:11,758 --> 00:15:14,968
[ indistinct chatter ]
322
00:15:19,344 --> 00:15:21,454
This is going way better
than expected.
323
00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:24,758
- Mm-hmm.
- I think they're ready
for more extreme bonding.
324
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:27,068
- Seven Minutes In Heaven.
- No, I think that's illegal.
325
00:15:27,068 --> 00:15:30,238
- One Minute In Heaven.
- No.
326
00:15:30,241 --> 00:15:33,971
It's time to play...
First Thoughts.
327
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:37,545
- Twins: Ooh.
- Are they ready?
328
00:15:37,551 --> 00:15:39,831
Do you defy your leader?
329
00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:41,447
- No. Mm-mm.
- No.
330
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:43,378
- Okay, Hannah?
- Yes?
331
00:15:43,379 --> 00:15:48,689
I want you to look at Econ
and say the first thing
that comes to mind.
332
00:15:48,689 --> 00:15:50,829
- Like the first thing?
- Yeah.
333
00:15:50,827 --> 00:15:54,307
Okay, close your eyes.
334
00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:58,450
Okay.
Now...
335
00:15:58,448 --> 00:16:00,068
open.
336
00:16:00,068 --> 00:16:04,028
Econ, you look anywhere
from 27 to 61 years old.
337
00:16:04,034 --> 00:16:08,104
- What?
- Such raw honesty.
Okay, Claire?
338
00:16:08,103 --> 00:16:10,523
- Yes.
- Let's do the same.
Close your eyes.
339
00:16:14,793 --> 00:16:16,173
Rich, I wish I never
slept with you.
340
00:16:16,172 --> 00:16:19,412
- [ all gasping ]
- Claire, what the hell?
341
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:22,693
- Um, maybe we should
go back to Story.
- No, it's okay. We'll move on.
342
00:16:22,689 --> 00:16:24,899
Tiff, what's the first thing
that comes to mind when
you look at Claire?
343
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,786
That she slept with Rich.
That's disgusting.
344
00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:28,523
Okay, get over yourself.
You slept with Kev.
345
00:16:28,517 --> 00:16:30,377
I was in a dark place.
346
00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:33,929
Yeah, I was too.
347
00:16:33,931 --> 00:16:35,661
Uh-oh.
Maybe they weren't ready.
348
00:16:35,655 --> 00:16:37,275
Whatever.
349
00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:40,785
Okay.
All right, this is great
team-building right now.
350
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:42,033
Maybe we should
take a break.
351
00:16:47,448 --> 00:16:50,618
- [ gasps ]
- Hello, Kat.
352
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:53,520
It's me, the old Kat.
353
00:16:53,517 --> 00:16:55,477
The real Kat.
354
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,972
The old, real Kat.
355
00:16:57,965 --> 00:17:00,065
who would have scoffed
at teaching improv
356
00:17:00,068 --> 00:17:02,138
to boring office workers.
357
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:06,517
Okay, get out of here, June.
These people are eating out
of the palm of my hands.
358
00:17:06,517 --> 00:17:07,757
This is my calling, man.
359
00:17:07,758 --> 00:17:09,408
You know that's not true.
360
00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:13,833
Your-- your passion
isn't making people bond
and have fun.
361
00:17:13,827 --> 00:17:16,377
You like being booed
off stage.
362
00:17:16,379 --> 00:17:18,859
You thrive off the jeers.
363
00:17:18,862 --> 00:17:22,212
Do not listen
to this siren's song.
She's going to crack.
364
00:17:22,206 --> 00:17:24,856
You don't like making
work families.
365
00:17:24,862 --> 00:17:27,692
You like tearing
families apart.
366
00:17:27,689 --> 00:17:29,659
Ah, damn her.
I do.
367
00:17:29,655 --> 00:17:34,065
Look at this.
Look.
368
00:17:34,068 --> 00:17:37,168
This is hundreds and hundreds
of dollars.
369
00:17:37,172 --> 00:17:38,722
This is what I'm about now.
370
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,594
That's dirty money.
371
00:17:40,586 --> 00:17:41,686
Uh!
372
00:17:41,689 --> 00:17:43,029
That was so cool.
373
00:17:43,034 --> 00:17:45,724
I bet she thought
that was cool.
374
00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:47,554
- Good-bye, June.
- No, wait, Kat.
375
00:17:47,551 --> 00:17:49,761
- Please, I-- I-- I--
I can't do this.
- Okay, yeah.
376
00:17:49,758 --> 00:17:50,928
Pull!
377
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:55,451
[ all clamoring ]
378
00:17:55,448 --> 00:17:57,858
June, what are you wearing?
379
00:17:57,862 --> 00:18:00,102
Wow, June, you are weirder
than I ever knew.
380
00:18:00,103 --> 00:18:02,693
- What happened in there?
- I don't know.
381
00:18:02,689 --> 00:18:04,689
[ murmuring indistinctly ]
382
00:18:04,689 --> 00:18:07,829
[ dolphin squeaking ]
383
00:18:07,827 --> 00:18:10,997
[ slow-motion muttering ]
384
00:18:16,551 --> 00:18:19,241
- June?
- June?
385
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:21,171
June?
386
00:18:21,172 --> 00:18:23,452
June is cray.
387
00:18:23,448 --> 00:18:25,028
Oh, June is cray,
all right.
388
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:27,314
Want to know some fun facts
about June?
389
00:18:27,310 --> 00:18:31,690
Okay, um, sometimes I take
tiny little bites
390
00:18:31,689 --> 00:18:35,309
of other people's lunches
because it makes me feel alive.
391
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,000
I knew someone was tampering
with my couscous.
392
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,790
I was just one cous.
393
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,213
Oh, I'm sorry.
That wasn't a fun fact.
394
00:18:41,206 --> 00:18:44,656
Let's do a fun fact.
Um, when I was a baby,
395
00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:49,615
I was a formula-fed baby
because my mother had
reconstructive surgery
396
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:51,830
on her giant areolas.
397
00:18:51,827 --> 00:18:55,787
Oh, no.
She's reached critical mass.
Good-bye, Wall Street.
398
00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:59,553
But formula is delicious,
so ha-freaking-ha.
399
00:18:59,551 --> 00:19:02,101
I have to stop this.
Create a diversion.
400
00:19:02,103 --> 00:19:05,313
Claire had an affair with Rich.
Claire's a whore!
401
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,720
All: Yeah!
402
00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:09,904
No, it was not an affair.
It was just terrible sex, okay?
403
00:19:09,896 --> 00:19:11,716
Well, maybe if you had paid
attention
404
00:19:11,724 --> 00:19:13,694
to my sexual harassment
PowerPoint,
405
00:19:13,689 --> 00:19:14,899
none of this
would have happened.
406
00:19:14,896 --> 00:19:16,826
It was all words, Hannah,
407
00:19:16,827 --> 00:19:18,757
for 54 minutes.
Coulda thrown in some clip art.
408
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,758
Guys, stop.
This is tearing us apart.
409
00:19:20,758 --> 00:19:24,338
- I've loved you, Tiff.
- Hey, we're supposed
to be a family.
410
00:19:24,344 --> 00:19:26,314
Yeah, let's just all
take a breath here, okay?
411
00:19:26,310 --> 00:19:28,830
Yeah, let's just all--
let's just all take a breath.
412
00:19:28,827 --> 00:19:31,237
Let's just all take a breath.
Um...
413
00:19:31,241 --> 00:19:34,071
Shut up, Claire.
414
00:19:34,068 --> 00:19:37,898
Okay, I was supposed
to talk Tiff down
the aisle. Me.
415
00:19:37,896 --> 00:19:42,406
Okay, we're putting
the cubicles back up.
416
00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:45,413
I win.
417
00:19:45,413 --> 00:19:49,483
By God, that was art.
418
00:19:49,482 --> 00:19:52,552
[ music playing ]
419
00:19:52,551 --> 00:19:56,241
- What are you doing?
- Just trying not
to remember today.
420
00:19:56,241 --> 00:19:59,171
[ chuckles ]
I'm sorry about today, June.
421
00:19:59,172 --> 00:20:03,592
I tried to keep you hidden,
but nobody puts baby
in a corner.
422
00:20:03,586 --> 00:20:05,656
I actually really like
corners.
423
00:20:05,655 --> 00:20:09,095
That's weird.
So I know that I kinda
screwed things up
424
00:20:09,103 --> 00:20:11,213
with the five-year
Tiff plan and--
425
00:20:11,206 --> 00:20:14,856
Surprisingly,
I actually, um, thought
this might happen,
426
00:20:14,862 --> 00:20:16,592
- so, um...
- Okay.
427
00:20:16,586 --> 00:20:18,686
I have, like,
a little backup plan...
428
00:20:18,689 --> 00:20:21,929
- Of course you do.
- ...which, um, ends up being
seven years instead,
429
00:20:21,931 --> 00:20:24,861
where I'm not actually
in her wedding,
430
00:20:24,862 --> 00:20:27,522
but I do throw her
a pretty great baby shower.
431
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,997
Yeah, of course you do.
Cool.
432
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,760
Well, that sounds like
a great plan.
433
00:20:31,758 --> 00:20:34,208
- Yeah.
- You know what, June?
434
00:20:34,206 --> 00:20:36,826
I have to tell you.
435
00:20:36,827 --> 00:20:40,517
You were right.
436
00:20:40,517 --> 00:20:42,097
I'm ripping it up.
437
00:20:42,103 --> 00:20:45,343
No, Kat, that's hundreds
and hundreds of dollars.
438
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:46,664
- I'm ripping it.
- Wha--
439
00:20:46,655 --> 00:20:48,755
Oh, boy.
440
00:20:48,758 --> 00:20:51,718
It's dirty money.
And you know what else?
441
00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:53,384
You inspired me today.
442
00:20:53,379 --> 00:20:58,619
Your crazy ass inspired me
to start a new theater company.
443
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:00,140
We're called Fuck Fear.
444
00:21:00,137 --> 00:21:01,277
- Wow.
- Yeah.
445
00:21:01,275 --> 00:21:03,475
That is a lot.
446
00:21:03,482 --> 00:21:05,242
- Yeah.
- Very strong.
447
00:21:05,241 --> 00:21:08,031
- I know. Sturdy.
- Bold. For no reason.
448
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:10,314
The words have
a lot of girth,
which I like.
449
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:12,210
- Mm, I wouldn't use that word.
- Okay.
450
00:21:12,206 --> 00:21:16,206
For now,
here I am to remind you...
451
00:21:18,275 --> 00:21:19,655
about who you are.
452
00:21:19,655 --> 00:21:21,475
But also, I'm, like,
really curious
453
00:21:21,482 --> 00:21:22,592
to know
what they taste like.
454
00:21:22,586 --> 00:21:26,206
Oh, what?
455
00:21:26,206 --> 00:21:31,616
Here's to what made you
who you are.
456
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:35,790
- Cheers.
- You're welcome.
457
00:21:35,793 --> 00:21:37,693
Oh, God,
that's horrible.
458
00:21:37,689 --> 00:21:41,029
It's so... not good.
Yucky!
459
00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:43,074
Oh, you got some
on your mouth.
I'll get it.
460
00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:46,618
Don't worry.
461
00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:49,310
Wow, she really did believe that.
462
00:21:49,310 --> 00:21:53,310
- Are those from your armpit?
- Sure is.
36215
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