Original subtitles

June: Poison was such an effective weapon

for women in the olden days.

Muddling roots and berries and herbs.

Murder was so much simpler back then.

Kat: What a weird time to make a salad.

Her husband just threatened her with a musket.

June, is he the one that's gonna die?

[ clears throat ] What?

- Shh! - It's not a spoiler, it's in the trailer.

- Shh! - Maybe the twins told me.

Oh, yeah, they did. Uh-huh.

[ whispers ] Great. Now stop talking, and watch the movie.

My God, she's a loud whisperer,

but she did buy me popcorn.

I told you that if you wanted me to come to a movie with you,

I'm gonna talk through it.

I thought you were kidding.

I am not gonna pay $20 to be silenced.

- Shh! - You are ruining the movie.

Movie ruined itself

when they asked Scarlett Johansson to do that emotional scene.

When did America decide that she was very good?

- [ gasps ] - Oh, sorry.

I thought it was gonna be a loud part.

Please.

- Please be quiet. - Fine.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

Ugh, all these sorrys.

I gotta tell June women no longer apologize.

MeToo.

I recognize that actor.

Who is that?

Ugh, this is gonna drive me crazy.

It's the guy from "Breaking Bad" and "Friday Night Lights."

Man, he's in everything now.

I have to ask Kat.

I'll just do it quietly and quickly.

- Hey, who's that actor? - It's the guy from "Breaking Bad."

People: Shh!

By shush, I'm sure they all mean thank you.

Thank you.

[ music playing ]

Ugh, look at Tiff.

Healthy hair, glowing skin.

Oh, to be a glove upon that cheek.

Nonsexually.

How does everyone interact with her so effortlessly?

I need to be easy-breezy.

Who's easy-breezy?

Tom Hanks. Pretend you're Tom Hanks.

[ deep voice ] Hello.

Hey, June.

Yeah, I love how it's like breakfast over here.

Mmm, donuts.

Yeah, so glad donuts are good again.

I mean, not good as in good for you, like good as in trendy.

Like, they're not just for steel workers anymore.

That is so true, Bobby.

So true.

Okay. So, tag me in the pics,

and don't forget to use the NomNomNomWiffTiff.

Nom-- That is so cute.

That is like the most adorable hashtag.

I know, it's so dorky, but I love wordplay.

I'm such a nerd.

Let's take a pic.

I don't know if I should--

Uh, am I part of this?

- Mm. No. Yes? - Tiff: Here we go.

- Yeah. - Cheers-ies.

All: Cheers-ies.

- [ camera shutter clicks ] - Cheers-ies.

- Great. - Okay, I'm not gonna actually eat it.

- Tag you, June. - Oh, um, no.

I don't have one.

Yes, you do.

I found it the other day. Had to look real hard.

It's me-12345.

Damn it! That was a practice account.

No one was supposed to find it!

It's three identical photos of you

standing next to different statues,

and then there's one that's just a ticket stub for "Mamma Mia."

- Mm. - Why do you only have four pictures?

I'm just too... insecure... busy to post more.

If I had a cool Instagram,

I could use that hashtag and then Tiff would like my pic,

and then we'd be real friends!

- Well, I'm tagging you. - No, no, no! Don't.

Bobby, I have a new Instagram account,

but the portal is down right now.

So I will give it to you tomorrow.

[ music playing ]

Man: Move throughout the space, let the walls disappear.

Ah, the theater.

This is where I belong. This is my home.

Man: Good spatial awareness, guys.

Good rhythmic timing.

There's no right way to do this.

Angelica, you're doing very well.

Great, guys.

Soft focus.

Good, good, Angelica.

I invite you to investigate this gesture as a group.

Mercy.

Good. Go with this.

No mercy.

- No hope. - On 9/11--

Okay, stop. Kat, you can't make every piece about 9/11.

We're improvising on the theme

of America's incarceration crisis.

Yeah, but this is what America's incarceration crisis means to me.

Me, who lived and died.

A steel prison in the sky.

55 flights of stairs.

Crumble, crumble, boom, boom, down.

No, no, no, no. We have to start over.

Stick to the theme, Kat. Listen to the group.

Solitary confinement.

One hour of sunlight everyday--

- 4,000 firemen! - Okay, Kat, can I talk to you?

Okay.

Kat.

Do you think that you fit in here?

Yes! Uh-oh. I mean, yes.

It's not working.

I don't think this is the group you should be collaborating with.

You don't fit in here.

Well maybe you don't fit in me.

Sorry.

Gotta go.

I got a big audition with The White Rose Theater Company.

That closed down three years ago.

Crumble, crumble, boom, boom, down.

[ music playing ]

Sorry for actually breaking the washing machine.

I was trying to fake break it so David would come over to fix it,

but now it's actually broken.

[ grunts ] This is the worst day of my life!

I made really bold choices at theater work today,

and they got threatened.

- I bet there's more to that story. - You know what?

They don't think I fit in there,

but I have one word for them-- Not!

Oh, hey, could you-- Could you take a photo of me

in front of this? Um...

I'm trying to beef up my Instagram account.

Oh, yeah, yours is real weird.

It's like a mom created a fake account to spy on her kid.

Ready?

[ music playing ]

What--

Is this cute?

Well-- No. Mm-mm. No.

Is this a yoga pose?

Okay, I can see everything. So--

Gonna look surprised.

[ gasps ] I'll give you variation.

Keep your mouth closed, please.

Okay, I'm wanna do a walking one.

Take it. Take it.

Take it.

Okay.

Are you getting the street art?

It's not street art. It's graffiti.

You're standing in front of a giant vagina,

and next to it's written "I murder."

Oh.

Well, do you think if I just do, like, one of those cute, like,

jumping shots, that anyone will notice the vagina?

Yes, everyone.

It looks like you're jumping

inside the vagina next to the "I murder."

Like you wanna murder vaginas by jumping into them.

Well, I guess you just don't understand my brand then.

- She doesn't have a brand. - I don't have a brand.

Dude, I have 10,000 followers on Instagram.

I'll help you make a better account.

I know the one pic that gets way more attention

on Instagram than anything else.

Butthole shots.

- What? - What?

- No. - No.

I can't-- Here.

Follow me. This'll be great.

[ music playing ]

Okay, remember, we're not looking for a few sympathy likes.

We want a million followers

tracking your miraculous recovery journey.

Okay, look hurt, GF.

Okay, but also a little bit turned on.

No, too happy.

Think sexy like-- like a dead corpse on "SVU."

Think sexy.

Okay. David.

David crying in a bath.

David smelling a flower that reminds him of his dead wife.

- Oh, perfect! - Ugh! Okay, that's too turned on.

This isn't working!

Hey!

Maybe we can get some ketchup packets from this restaurant

and cover you in fake blood.

Kat.

That's what I want my Instagram account to look like.

I'm just a very chill girl with beautiful friends

and I brunch.

It's exactly what Tiff would post.

Then let's go hang out with them.

Kat-- Wait.

Kat.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can't fit in with them.

I can fit in with anyone.

I fit in with artists. I fit in with models.

I fit in with royals.

- I fit in with Beyoncé. - That's not true.

I fit in with all the cool people. Always.

Girls like them don't hang out with girls like us, okay?

They drink mimosas all day, they go to Coachella willingly.

I'm exactly like them.

Oh, you're nothing like them.

God, we've lived together a month now and you still don't get me.

I knew everything about you within like a week.

That's because you read my dream journal.

And you know what else you don't know about me?

I've got a three step foolproof plan

to attack any group of girls and become their friends.

I don't think attack is the right word.

There's no word for making friends.

- Befriend? - Yes.

We will be friends with them after I attack them.

Geez, keep up.

Step one, identify and mentally attack the alpha of the group.

You!

Can I help you?

Kat. We went to college together.

What was your-- Your name was?

Wait, what-- what was it?

Candace. And I didn't go to college.

- High school. - I don't think so.

Pole vaulting? Water polo?

You sure it wasn't pole vaulting?

I pole vaulted.

What about fencing?

- Soccer? - This is terrible.

I should tell a joke.

I don't know a joke!

- Note to June-- Learn a joke! - Camp?

- No. - Synchronized swimming?

Tap dancing?

It may have been tap class.

I knew it. Good guess, me.

Step two, physically attack the alpha

so she submits to your strength.

- It is so good to see you, Candy! - Oh!

I am so uncomfortable.

And holding all of my underwear.

This was a very bad idea!

And the final step, attack her emotions.

Remember, I was the girl

who put tin foil on the bottom of her Converse

because I couldn't afford tap shoes.

This is your chance, June.

Say something! Attack them! Attack!

Hello, now.

[ clears throat ]

Sorry. Um...

Kat and I saw you from across the street.

You look so beautiful and looked like you were having so much fun.

We just wished

that we could have friends like you for one day.

We know what girls like you do and we wanna do it, too.

Wow! That is so ballsy.

Do you guys wanna sit down?

I mean, our group could always use some new faces.

- Shit, yeah. - Okay.

So, what are we drinking, ladies? Mimosas?

June, this is how we brunch.

- Yeah, they're bottomless. - Sweet.

So am I.

[ all laugh ]

Oh, my gosh!

I'm doing it.

I need to freeze this moment in amber.

- Wanna take a pic? - Sure.

I'm getting a brunch pic!

- I got June a brunch pic. - Oh, um, actually, give it to Astrid.

Her arms are like crazy long.

It's a genetic thing.

Oh, fun.

Say cheers-ies.

All: Cheers-ies.

[ music playing ]

Wow!

- Wow! - Ooh!

You look great!

Yes. I know.

- [ all laugh ] - So would you guys say that I'm someone

that fits in with your group?

Yeah. Totally.

Cool. Hey, June, come on out.

Me and my friends promise not to make fun of your weird hips.

I don't know.

Uh, this dress doesn't really fit.

Let us see.

- [ all gasp ] - Yeah!

You look amazing! You have to get it.

Uh, but it's not really me.

Of course it is. You look like an innocent baby

who gives a mean blowjob.

- She does. - Men go wild for that look.

- They do. - I'm not sure.

[ phone chimes ]

No way.

Tiff just liked my brunch pic.

I'm a new me.

I'm buying it!

- Yeah! - Yay!

Hey, um, I'm having a little get-together at my house later.

Would you two wanna come?

An all-day hang that goes into the night?

Who are you guys? My fun cousins who only visited me once?

- [ all laugh ] - Sign us up.

Yeah! Look at me, a hundred percent fitting in with you.

Yeah, I already said yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Both: Yeah.

- Yes! - Yup.

This place is Instagram Shangri-La.

First I'll take a pic of me laying on the fainting couch,

then I'll take one over there

laughing while I drink champagne.

Oh, those fake flowers look so real.

Oh, my God, this staircase in Sepia!

Wait! I need to pace myself.

These are my friends now.

This is my life now.

So, I spoke to a few of the gentlemen

that'll be joining us tonight.

They sound handsome and not violent.

Finally.

[ gasps ]

Maybe I can go on a hike with one of them

and post a sunset boyfriend pic.

[ gasps ] I gotta get ready!

Where's your restroom?

That way.

Oh, stop showing off, Astrid.

- Follow me. - Okay.

Hey, Candace, these guys you invited,

are they, like, super hot? Like, bang worthy?

Or, like, kinda ugly a little bit but, like, still, you know, doable?

Oh, no, I haven't met them yet. No. They're referrals.

- Oh. - Now if you'll excuse me,

I need to go polish the dildos.

Polish the dildos?

Is that a saying? Hmm.

Oh, uh, I'll be really quick.

Oh, I'll just go in with you.

Don't panic. This is what girlfriends do.

They go to the bathroom together.

Great.

Can you turn around for a second?

Oh, is it number two?

No.

It's okay, honey.

It smells like cherries and hairspray.

Why is everything in here pink and fuzzy and lubey?

And-- Oh, my God!

These aren't regular hot girls.

These are prostitute hot girls!

Okay, just act like you see this all the time.

Gotta freshen up the old cooch.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me about freshening up the cooch.

You want some?

24/7.

- [ sprays ] - [ screams ]

It burns! Air it out.

Air it out!

Feels good, right?

It feels wonderful.

Fire! Ow!

We're about to be hookers.

I need to tell June.

Oh! Candace.

- You look different. - I put on lipstick.

Hooker lipstick for a hooker because you're a hooker.

- Where's your bathroom? - Oh, it's that way.

- Cool. - Oh, hey, um, when you get back

I'd love to just pick your brain about being an actor.

I'm thinking of getting into it,

but I've heard it's brutal.

I can tell June later.

Oh, it is more than brutal.

The theater community is very cruel and exclusive

and doesn't think 9/11 matters.

So what's your quote?

Waste not, want not.

What's yours?

5,000, give or take.

Depends on the night.

Good one.

Wanna take a bathroom selfie?

Sure.

Say cheers-ies.

Cheers-ies.

And navigating the different egos really distracts from the art itself.

Oh, wow!

I mean, I'm more interested in, like, the on camera stuff,

but that sounds hard also.

You're right. It is like a vagina mint.

Right?

- Shit! I forgot to tell June. - [ doorbell rings ]

They're here!

Oh, I forgot to mention.

Senator John will be choosing one lucky lady

to fly to Cabo on his private jet.

If Senator John picks me,

I'll get the holy grail of Instagram pics.

Me on a private jet!

June.

- Huh? - I've gotta tell you something.

No, I have to tell you something.

- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.

I'm so sorry I thought you wouldn't fit in with those girls.

No, you were right. I don't fit in with them.

Do not sell yourself short.

These are totally your type of people.

I think we should go.

You took enough pictures and we're both really tired.

What?

This party is just getting started.

Plus, what if Senator John picks me?

I'll be like a Kardashian on a private jet.

WheelsUpBitches.

Sometimes, even if it's hard,

you have to break your friend's heart.

June, do you honestly think

that Senator John would pick you over me? Look at me.

I'm like a ten and you're like a chair.

What?

Senator John would totally pick me.

Look how fun my hair is.

These women are hookers!

They are hooker women and they think we are, too.

What?

I always thought that one day I would sell my body,

but not like this.

Wait, then like what?

You guys don't [ bleep ] for money?

[ gasps ] No.

Do you?

- Yeah. - Yes!

We literally talked about it all day.

I think this was a misunderstanding.

- Yeah. - You came up to us

and said, "We know what you do and we wanna do it, too."

- Mm. - And then we went to the clinic

and got our STDs checked.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - And then you said,

"I can't wait to get inside that penis all night long."

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. We-- - We see your point.

- Yeah, that was bad. - Yeah.

[ gasps ] I was high on the likes.

Look, we've gotta go, but it's not because we think we're above your profession.

No, you are brave.

And what you do is so important,

and sexuality is your body, your choice.

And you want to do this, so it's cool.

Well, want is a strong word.

There's nothing you'd rather be doing.

You know what? That thing about the women's march is that--

I think you guys should go now.

- Both: Okay. - Yup, that's fair.

Excuse me.

My shoes.

[ mumbling ]

Just gonna take two for the road.

You know what tonight taught me?

To pay closer attention to context clues?

No.

That if some expensive-looking,

artisan prostitutes think I'm the shit

and totally wanna hang out with me, then I don't need validation

from some 9/11 denying wannabe theater losers.

What an interesting, nonsense conclusion.

That... makes sense.

I can't believe how close we were to becoming prostitutes.

All because of this.

Oh, June, as your Instagram mentor,

I'd advise you not to post any more photos tonight.

- You look like a slutty strawberry. - I'm not.

I'm deleting my Instagram account.

I flew too close to the sun.

You're deleting it?

It's too much stress.

Plus, like, seeing everyone else's fake lives

just wastes too much time,

and when you waste not, you want not.

[ bleep ] our laundry!

Oh, shit.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[ sniffing ]

I hope no one saw those late night party pics.

Oh, them pics, June.

[ sighs ] I thought I deleted them.

Ah, you did, but not before I screen shotted them.

You did?

No! I would never do that.

I'm on the anti revenge porn advisory board.

- Really? - Yeah.

A former lover went wide on my private collection.

Let's just say that you can't erase the internet,

now can you?

Are you daring me to Google you?

No.

Damn it, Bobby!

Every job!

Oh, hey.

Looks like you had a fun weekend.

[ whispers ] Thank you, hooker women.

Oh, wait, they're not dead.

I hope.

June: Wow! She really does have 10,000 followers.

There's a nice picture of her boobs.

Oh, her boobs again. And a dead bird.

And another dead bird, oh, God, it's just pictures of boobs and dead birds.

And the next one is boobs again.

Okay. Uh, boobs, wow, surprising.

Birds or boobs? Boobs.

Um, boobs. Oh, it's birds this time.

Okay.

And another bird.

[ sighs ] Oh, God.