Original subtitles

[ music playing ]

Look at this crap.

Corn syrup and chemicals.

America's disgusting.

Big Soybean is killing kids in Iraq and we're all,

"Who cares as long as I get my yellow dye number four flavor."

When are we gonna wake up?

Oh! They have hamburger flavor!

Delicious!

Will my skin benefit from this?

I can never remember.

I think if I put yogurt on top of my skin it's good,

but if I eat it, it's bad?

Like it increases testosterone.

But I do look really cute eating yogurt

or I feel cute.

Excuse me, did you just eat a piece of dirt?

- No. - Ew! That could've been anything.

- I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

I saw you eye a kernel of filth and then choose to eat it.

It was a raisin. I left it there a week ago.

It's fine. It's mine.

- Oh, we're together. - Oh.

Sorry, I didn't realize you guys were friends.

- We're not friends. - We're roommates.

- Uncomfortable. - Horribly awkward.

- Complete opposite. - Roommates.

Both: What's wrong with his eye.

[ music playing ]

Mmm. So good.

Oh, my God, a kernel is lodged in my gum!

I'd rather be dead than this.

Oh, got it.

Mmm. Salty sweet.

Oh, God, she's here!

Gotta go.

Oh, why she home so early?

- Oh, hi. - Hello.

Why does she always meet me right at the door and out of breath?

I-- I brought you popcorn.

Okay.

Ugh! Getting used to a new roommate is the worst.

So, how was your day?

Fine

How was your day?

Fine.

I have social anxiety at work

and now I have it at home. Great.

Why isn't she walking away?

Is this the appropriate time to walk away?

Both: I'm gonna go watch some TV.

Both: Damn it.

Both: Great.

[ indistinct TV chatter ]

What if I choose something too lame or something too edgy?

Will it seem like I'm trying to be edgy?

Just shut up and take the plunge, June!

Woman: How dare you double-cross me, Agent Rick?

Now you have to have sex with me... next to this bomb.

Uh, chose a porn.

All right, play it off.

These movies are so funny.

Oh, dialogue, I mean.

- Woman: Yeah. - Oh, man.

What is happening?

Are we casually watching a porn?

That's it.

Okay, I can't do this.

Good. I don't like porn either.

No, I mean the awkwardness. Porn's great.

Oh, yeah, it's my favorite show.

Okay, if we're gonna live together,

I wanna, like, get to know each other.

But when people get to know me they don't seem to like me.

Yeah, that sounds great!

Cool. I know just the thing.

What does friendship mean to you?

Boundaries, very strong boundaries.

Openness.

What does friendship mean to you?

Pooping in front of each other.

Pooping in front of each other.

Oh.

Where did you get this again?

Oh, it's a questionnaire written by scientists

that you can do with a stranger that makes you fall in love.

'cause of science.

Wait, are we, um, trying to fall in love?

It'll probably work for roommates, God!

Okay, do you have a secret hunch about the way you will die?

A pale, bug-eyed man strangles me in the shower.

The police come too late, but strangle me as well.

Um, you know, just like regular old-aged death stuff. You?

Well, I've always felt that I would never die.

Like a toddler or a cult leader.

Hmm. All right, well, I feel like I've really gotten to know you.

So, time for bed.

Wait, but I haven't fallen in love with you yet.

We gotta fast-track this friendship, okay?

[ whispers ] Okay.

I got it. We'll throw a party.

Parties are my hell.

I love party.

I'll invite my theater friends, Molly and Tessa,

and you'll invite your regular people friends like, well...

Do I have to name people now?

- Like... - This feels like a trap.

- Trap. - What?

Von Trap, last name.

Beautiful singing voice.

I'll invite many people.

If she really knew me,

she'd find out that I have zero friends.

That can't happen.

Now I gotta invite people so I seem normal.

I never did cross off "Make Friend" on my checklist.

This is going to change everything.

She will never bond with me.

I'm gonna bond all over her.

Man: Medicate, regulate, dominate.

Gyrphknod Pharmaceuticals. Mmm-mmm-pills.

Isn't this new marketing video so trill?

- It's so trill. - Trillest.

It shows that Gyrphknod is not like other pharmaceutical companies.

Martin Shkreli gave us a bad rep.

I met him once and he said I was pretty.

Beautiful, perfect Tiff.

What a video.

I'd die to have her at my party.

I'm so glad you like the video.

Of course I love the video.

I showed it to my boyfriend Steve last night

and he didn't tear up because his father emotionally policed him

from a young age. It's a whole thing.

But he said that he wanted to tear up, and that's awesome.

That is so Steve.

I also know that is so Steve.

June, stand up and invite Tiff to your party.

You're an adult with a job,

and you don't have a pet rat anymore.

Here you go!

- A little overwhelming. - Hello, party! I'm coming!

- [ nervous chuckle ] - Oh. Hi, June.

I gather you're throwing a party.

I'll totally come.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I brought my office mug?

And drank out of that but at a party?

You'd see me and you'd be like,

"Wait a minute.

Am I at work?"

[ laughs ]

Uh-huh.

Baby steps.

Take your time. You'll find it.

What was my mantra again?

I'm so lucky to have such cool, artsy, big-titted friends.

What if June has sex with the one I had sex with?

Then we can talk about his big balls until the cows come home.

Here we go.

This is gonna be classic Kat.

"We shall never escape.

There is no exit.

Or we could, yes, exit

to Kat Souza's super, cool party where everyone will have fun

and probably kiss."

Wait, did somebody change the scripts?

I did! It was me!

Oh, gosh. Sorry to interrupt rehearsal, Barry,

but I wanted to invite you guys to a classic Kat rager on Friday night!

- [ cheering ] - Wait, Kat.

Did you reprint all 30 script for this one joke?

Wow. That's more effort than you've put into the whole play.

[ sighs ] Thank you.

- So you guys gonna come? - Yeah, yeah, we'll be there.

Angelica?

Will there be like a fun specialty drink?

Does the Bachelorette need vaginal rest

between fantasy suite nights?

Uh, yeah. So.

That show is perpetuating archaic gender norms.

You are.

That's you. Classic Barry.

See ya there!

Shouldn't we buy some chips or something?

No.

People don't like snacks at parties.

It makes them feel like children.

They like cigs and boobs,

and like maybe tabloid gossip.

We can use these as conversation starter decorations.

I think that might be sort of a downer.

Good call.

We don't want our men sad. We want 'em rock hard.

Oh, God.

David Landlord.

Oh, he's in my phone as that, too.

- He's so pretty. - And handy.

And a widower, which is...

- ...hot. - Sexy.

- Just horrible. - Sad, really sad.

June so has the hots for our sad landlord.

I'll help her out.

David Landlord.

Oh. Hi, girls.

June Gloom and I are throwing a raging party tonight.

How raging?

A quite respectful level of rage.

But also like really loud raging.

- We're wondering if you wanna come. - No, no, no.

They'll be booze and no snacks.

Uh... possibly.

- I haven't been to a party since-- - You don't have to say.

No, I do. Since Judy died.

Oh, there's nothing sexier than a man working through things.

- Well, we'll see you there. - Okay.

- Maybe. - All right.

Well, we'll definitely see you there, then.

- Still a maybe. - Hey, hope you like limbo!

June is so happy David's coming.

David's coming? I can't take that!

I'd rather the bug-eyed strangler.

Hey, how many people you got coming?

I'm looking at 30 to 80.

- What about you? - One.

And a half, because technically we both invited David.

Wait, you only have one friend?

What are you, some weirdo with a pet rat?

Oh, my God! She's sniffing me out.

[ nervous laugh ]

Yeah, right.

Oh, rats are gross.

And so soft and so gross.

No, I have many friends coming.

- They're just not confirmed yet. - Okay, I was gonna say--

Where am I gonna find people to pretend to be my friends?

Oh, my God.

Did you know that they're shooting

a "Monk" revival in town?

That's it! Extras.

I suddenly have to go. Good-bye.

What? June.

You're not gonna get anywhere near Shalhoub.

- Hey, guy-- - Sorry, lady.

You're not gonna get anywhere near Shalhoub.

No, uh, I was wondering,

um, how would you like to make the same amount of money

sitting and pretending but with alcohol?

- Ooh! - How much alcohol?

- So much. - I'm on the wagon.

So little.

What about cake?

Extras love cake.

Whatever you want, just come.

I mean, if everyone else is gonna go.

- Cody, wanna go? - Sure.

Cody's in.

- Okay. - Okay.

[ cheering ]

What does a normal person wear to a party?

A bold lip and a kitten heel?

What is a kitten heel?

Whoa! You're not wearing that, are you?

Jesus, how long have you been here?

Chill, I'm getting markers, baby!

How do you know where my markers are?

Oh, well, I sit in here while you're at work.

Just to think.

And fart.

I knew I'd seen little Cheeto handprints on my wall!

Hey. If you wanna look good for someone, I don't know who,

I can help.

A-do this!

What are you-- What are you pointing at?

The towel you're wearing!

It's spicy.

Hot tamale, I'm sweatin'.

Maybe belt it?

Okay, no. I'm-- I'm not doing--

I want to look like a sophisticated lady.

- Not a shower lady pers-- - Shush, shush, shush.

If someone, possibly David, comes in here.

He's totally gonna be like, "Aoooga."

David would never "aoooga."

He's a dad, not a horny cartoon.

Oh, he's gonna "aoooga," all right.

- [ thudding ] - Oh, the twins are here!

- I'm scared of the twins. - Don't be.

[ whispering ] They sense fear.

- No, I got it. - Hey.

- Hey, friends! - Sorry we're late.

- Tessa has ringworm. - [ June gasps ]

Oh, my God!

Aw. Gross.

I'm scared I'm gonna catch it.

You can't catch ringworm!

It's extremely contagious.

So pumped for your party.

- I've been itchin' to rage! - Yeah.

So bummed we have to leave early for night court.

Yeah. Sucks.

Guys, leave June alone so she can pick out shoes

- to wear with her towel. - I'm not gonna wear--

And then we gotta work on transforming my room

to the infamous "Chill Room."

- Yeah. - Yeah, chill.

[ chanting ] Chill.

Chill.

Chill?

♪ I got nothing to lose

♪ But a poor excuse

♪ I got my hands in my pockets ♪

♪ And, oh, my God, I'm gone.

And done.

How's the Chill Swing?

Fully operational!

Nice!

Wait!

Oh, radical!

Good touch, good touch!

[ sing-songy ] How do I look?

June, is your one idea of a sophisticated lady

the one pretty girl from "Guess Who"?

- Damn it, it is. - [ doorbell rings ]

- Guests are here! Whoo! - Whoo!

- Whoo! - Wee!

Please let this go okay!

[ music playing ]

Oh, I thought she was joking about that limbo thing.

June, introduce me to your friends.

Which ones have you slept with

and are any of them available for me to sleep with, too?

Oh, no. Oh, okay.

Good. Um, uh, but this is Larry,

and his son, Cody.

- Larry is-- - An extra. Hi.

What is he doing? He's blowing it!

Extra special to me!

Larry is my favorite neighbor

from my last apartment on Main Street Avenue.

Yup. Mm-hmm.

Sounds... fancy.

It was fancy,

but also mostly normal and very average

and completely socially acceptable.

Like me. I never had a rat!

And this is my best friend, Eve,

- from college. - Hi.

What fun times we had, huh, Eve?

Crazy fun.

June and I, we used to party hard.

You know, drank with men, drank with friends,

drank alone. Lied about drinking alone.

To myself. To my family. To the judge.

- I lost custody of my-- - Okay, and that's everyone.

Hey, what about me? I'm Bobby!

- Hey. - This is Bobby.

From work! Remember?

Well, it was nice

- to meet all of you. - Nice to meet you.

- Kat: Yeah. - It's working!

I'm tricking her into thinking I have friends

like a regular person.

Take that roommate who's trying to get to know me!

Well, my friends should be here any minute now. So...

Why aren't they here yet?

[ music playing ]

Okay, maybe parties aren't so scary.

I'm actually almost comfortable.

- Hello? - Not comfortable!

Bottom clenching in fear!

- David! Too much. - Hi.

Uh, I brought you this California cab.

That's-- thank you.

That's so nice.

Um, do you-- do you want me to pour you some?

Uh... sure.

Or you can have a Kat Drink.

No, thank you. I'm good.

I-- I don't love sugar.

It's not sugar, it's pop rocks.

- Still a no. - Save them for your friends.

Is that a dig at me?

I'm sorry my friends don't come right on time at loser o'clock.

[ nervous laugh ]

Okay.

[ music playing ]

[ both chanting ] Night court!

- Twins: Adios. - [ mimics alarm ]

Hey, we heard some chick June's throwing a rager.

It's a Kat rager, God!

Ah, this is my ultimate Frisbee team.

We share a brotherly kind of love.

But also carnal.

Lotta blurred lines.

More June friends?

This is not how it was supposed to go.

And look at her, rubbing all her friendship in my face.

[ music playing ]

[ cheers ]

Wait a minute. They're all at a different party?

But they're supposed to be at this party.

Those backstabbing mother [ bleep ] are gonna pay!

[ music playing ]

Here he comes.

You can do it, June.

[ exhales ]

This wine is great.

Is it making my teeth red?

You're not--

You gotta open your mouth.

It's a joke, see. I ask you to look at my teeth,

but then I don't open my mouth.

Get it?

Mm-mm.

How are mine?

You do get it.

Am I flirting with a man at a party?

Who am I, Lauren Conrad?

[ screams ] What about mine?

She fell off the wagon.

And the wagon ran over her.

- Eve: Oh! - [ glass breaking ]

- [ doorbell rings ] - Oh!

That must be my friends!

I mean, our friends, right, June?

Woman: Party people!

Our house is filling with strangers!

Don't have enough trash bags or toilet paper or other anxiety!

Kat will know what to do.

Well, well, well!

A theatre full of Brutuses and Judases!

Oh, Kat, hey.

Hey, yourself!

What's all this?

Oh, shit.

We forgot about your party.

- You forgot? - We were just hanging out

after rehearsal and lost track of time.

We were gonna text you.

Yeah, thought you forgot?

We were gonna come.

Which one is it?

- I mean, it's neither. - It's, like, nothing.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I wouldn't even think about it.

- It's like, do you want a beer? - It's not a big deal.

It almost feels like they don't want me around.

Maybe they don't like me.

Nah! They just hate themselves!

I just wanted to, uh, dis-invite you.

Time to leave gracefully, head held high.

Snacks at parties.

Babies!

This is getting out of hand.

And I have such weak hands.

I need to kick them out.

Larry!

I need you to kick these people out.

I can't. I'm not used to speaking roles.

A swing!

Eve, no! No swinging.

Just a little swing.

No, just stay in the Chill Room, okay?

Just... chill.

Where is Kat?

Hey, June, I think I'm gonna go...

- Oh, bummer! - ...into The Chill Room.

This has actually been not that bad.

Being out in the world feels good.

I'm feeling good.

[ screams ]

Oh, my God!

- Okay, there it is. - June: Eve!

Eve! I said no swinging!

- I didn't! - Uh...

you guys are gonna pay for that.

I mean, not like "pay for that."

- But I'm-- - No, I know what you meant.

I am so sorry.

It's okay. You can put stuff in here now.

I'm gonna shut this party down.

Right...

Nope, I am a coward.

I hide instead.

- Kat! - [ grunts ]

- What the hell? - This is where I come to I think, God!

Why would you throw a party and then leave me here alone?

Oh, well, you were just fine

rubbing all your friendship in my face.

I lied, okay.

They're not my friends. They're extras that I hired.

Extras?

Why does everyone lie to me?

I'm cuckolded again and again!

I lied, because I don't have any friends.

You don't have any friends?

Like, you're completely alone?

Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

Well, twist my butthole. [ clicks tongue ]

That's great!

My friends not showing up

isn't nearly as uncool as having to hire them.

Okay, debatable, but, Kat,

I need you to harness your abrasive nature and kick everyone out.

You're blunt and it's extremely off-putting,

but also very effective.

So you need me to be here?

Yes!

Okay. I guess I'll help you, then.

You know,

this is the most I've heard you talk since you moved in.

Well, I guess I'm getting mildly comfortable

around you, because you're so...

Ridiculous. ...honest.

Oh!

I'm getting comfortable, too, because I feel so...

Brave. ...brave.

- Hm. - You know,

I always knew I would save the day.

Okay, but you also technically started the day--

I'm saving the day! Whoo!

Fine.

[ music playing ]

- [ music stops ] - [ people groan ]

Everybody, get the [ bleep ] out!

Party's over! You're all losers! Go!

- Okay, that's a little abrasive, but-- - Get out!

- June: Yes. - Kat: Get out!

- What? And what? And what? - June: Leave, please.

- Thank you for coming. - Get out!

David, get out.

- What? I-- I own this house. - Get out.

Get out!

- Thank you so much for coming. - God.

[ exhales ]

What's that?

Uh... right.

I was gonna tell you about that.

Nice!

I've always wanted a little Boo Radley hole

to keep my treasures.

It's okay, little bro.

I guess there's only one last thing to do.

Fix the hole.

Nope. Limbo.

How low can you go?

[ singing ] ♪ How low can you go?

♪ How low can you go? ♪ How low can you go?

[ man groans ]

Okay, June you've gotta get more comfortable watching porn.

It's good for your brain and groin.

I'm not a prude, I just--

I find the men so unattractive.

- I don't know where to look. - I get that.

I focus on the boobs.

Thinking they're my boobs. Try it.

- Man: Ooh, yeah. - Woman: Uh-huh.

Woman: Yeah.

No, Kat, I-- I'm down to hang out.

- Just not like this. - Okay.

June, I guess there's one last thing to do.

Oh. You already said that,

and then we played limbo. For hours.

And then I was winning, and you suddenly said time was up--

Okay, second to last thing to do.

Looks like June "Make Friend."

How'd you find my checklist?

I told you.

I like hanging out in your room.

I'm glad that's in pencil.

[ woman giggles ]

- Woman: Yeah. - [ man moans ]

- Woman: Uh-huh. Yeah. - Man: Oh, yeah.