Original subtitles

WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

NATURE IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S THE WHOLE WORLD,

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL LIKE A WATERFALL. (water splashing)

MOST OF THE WORLD IS UNDERWATER, EVEN TINY SHARKS. (bubbling)

WE LOVE NATURE.

MANY OF US POSE IN FRONT OF IT

AND TRY TO CAPTURE IT, LIKE IN A PHOTO.

OKAY, SAY "CHEESE," GUYS.

BUT IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL, NATURE CAN CAPTURE US. (bird squawks)

VERY POWERFUL. OH, THAT SUCKS.

PERHAPS MOST POWERFUL IS HUMAN NATURE. (crash)

(coughs) WE BLEW IT. (car horns honking)

**

(whoosh) (cheering)

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.

THANKS. THANKS. (cheering)

WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." (applause)

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

OOH, NATURE. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

THAT'S A VERY BIG THING.

A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS THING. LET'S SEE.

WE COULD "USE A HOE TO PLANT SEEDS"... (laughter)

"USE A WHORE TO PLANT SEEDS"... (laughter)

OR "JOKES."

OOH, THAT'S-- THAT'S A TOUGHIE.

(clicks tongue) UH...

I DON'T REALLY LIKE FARMING. (laughter)

"JOKES." (whoosh)

(electronic tones play) I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN STALAGMITES AND STALACTITES,

SO I JUST SAY "STALAGS" FOR ALL OF THEM. (laughter)

I WALK INTO A CAVE, AND I'LL BE LIKE,

"MAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF STALAGS IN HERE." (laughter)

THEN PEOPLE ARE THINKING,

"THIS GUY IS KNOWLEDGEABLE AND LAID-BACK."

(laughter)

"WE GOT ONE COOL-ASS SPELUNKER IN THIS CAVE." (laughter)

DUCK HUNTING SEEMS, LIKE, ESPECIALLY CRUEL

BECAUSE YOU'RE FOOLING THE DUCK

IN A WAY THAT MAKES HIM THINK HE'S GONNA GET LAID.

(laughter)

BUT THEN HE GETS KILLED. (laughter)

SO A DUCK'S SWIMMING WITH HIS FRIENDS,

AND HE'S LIKE, "QUACK, QUACK. EXCUSE ME FOR A SEC."

(laughter) (amorous voice) "HELLO."

(normal voice) "WHAT?" (imitates gunshot)

(laughter)

THAT'S A (bleep) WAY TO GO. (laughter)

THAT'D BE LIKE KILLING SOMEBODY USING A MANNEQUIN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? (laughter)

YOU'RE, LIKE, IN A DEPARTMENT STORE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GUYS, HOLD ON.

"THERE'S A REALLY CUTE GIRL WITH VERY CURRENT STYLE

CHECKING ME OUT." (laughter)

"EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND." (amorous voice) "HELLO."

(normal voice) "WHOA, A RIFLE! WHAT'S UP?" (laughter)

I LIKE WHEN I LISTEN TO A RADIO STATION,

AND THEY SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "Z MORNING ZOO.

IT'S LIKE A ZOO IN HERE," YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, "WOW, REALLY?"

SO THE RADIO STATION'S LIKE A ZOO?

SO YOU GUYS JUST, LIKE, LIE AROUND IN CAPTIVITY

UNTIL YOU DIE? (laughter)

WOW, THAT'S CRAZY. (laughter)

THAT MUST BE A FUN RADIO STATION. (laughter)

"Z MORNING ZOO.

"THEY FEED US EVENTUALLY,

AND WE HAVE TO LIE AROUND IN OUR OWN FECES." (laughter)

"WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, CALLER?"

THAT'S WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT, UH,

BUMS AND TOWELS.

THEY'RE REALLY SIMILAR IN ONE WAY--

IF YOU BRING 'EM TO THE BEACH, THEN IT BECOMES A BEACH...

(laughter)

BUM OR BEACH TOWEL, YOU KNOW? (laughter)

ONE THING THAT WOULD BE COOL ABOUT BEING REALLY LITTLE

IS THAT A HAND TOWEL WOULD WORK AS, LIKE, A REGULAR TOWEL.

(chuckles) (laughter)

JUST A LITTLE GUY AT THE BEACH.

IT'D BE KINDA COOL TO GO TO THE BEACH WITH A TOWEL

AND THEN BRING TWO HAND TOWELS FOR YOUR HANDS. (laughter)

JUST KINDA HANG.

(whoosh)

**

* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

(whoosh)

WE WERE HIKING UP THAT RIDGE OVER THERE,

UM, BUT IT WAS GETTING DARK, SO WE HAD TO GO BACK

TO BASE CAMP TO GET OUR CAMPING STUFF.

AND WE WERE BACKTRACKING OUR ROUTE, AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT.

I WAS LIKE, "JOE, GRAB THE CAMERA."

(crow cawing)

I'VE ANALYZED THE FOOTAGE, AND IT IS DEFINITELY AUTHENTIC.

UH, USING DIGITAL OVERLAY,

WE SCALED THE IMAGE

AND DETERMINED IT WAS PROBABLY OVER 8 FEET TALL.

I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, THAT'S BIGFOOT. WE GOT BIGFOOT."

BUT IT WASN'T BIGFOOT.

IT WAS "GAYFOOT."

(laughter)

SO I'M AT MY CABIN. IT'S HOT OUTSIDE.

I DECIDE TO TAKE A SWIM.

START TAKING MY PANTS OFF, AND I-I LOOK OVER,

AND THERE'S A FIGURE STARING AT ME FROM THE BRUSH.

(laughter) REALLY WELL-GROOMED, FULLY HAIRED.

REALLY NICE, NICE COAT HE HAD ON HIM.

IT WAS ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

I WAS HIKING OUTSIDE OF MONTEREY CANYON,

WHEN I JUST FELT THIS CHILL IN THE AIR.

AND I SAW THIS TALL, HAIRY FIGURE

STANDING ON TWO FEET

JUST 30 FEET INTO THE BUSH.

I DIDN'T FEEL THREATENED AT ALL.

I-I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MEANS THAT HE'S GAY,

BUT DEFINITELY FELT COMFORTABLE WITH HIM

ALL BY MYSELF.

I FOUND OUT ABOUT GAYFOOT WHEN I GOOGLED "GAY" AND "FOOT." (laughter)

(Dr. Wilkens) I WAS THE ONE WHO COINED THE TERM "GAYFOOT,"

SO I CALL HIM THAT BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF IT.

BIGFOOT IS CALLED "BIGFOOT" BECAUSE HE HAS BIG FEET.

GAYFOOT--

SO THE FEET ARE GAY OF THE SASQUATCH? (laughter)

I MEAN, I USE THE TERM "GAYFOOT,"

BUT I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S ACTUALLY GAY.

I MEAN, I WAS JUST GUESSING THAT BECAUSE OF HIS WALK.

BUT MAYBE...

I SHOULDN'T JUDGE.

WHO AM I TO SAY WHO'S-- WHO'S GAY, WHO'S NOT GAY,

IF IT'S RIGHT, IF IT'S WRONG? THE GUY WAS 9 FEET TALL.

THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHO DETERMINES WHETHER A WALK IS GAY OR STRAIGHT?

IS THERE, LIKE, A GAY WALK COUNCIL

OR SOMETHING?

(Dr. Wilkens) THE PATTERNS OF FOOTPRINTS

THAT I'VE DISCOVERED DOES INDICATE CLEARLY SKIPPING.

(laughter) IS SKIPPING INTRINSICALLY GAY?

PROBABLY. YES.

UM, DOES--IS IT DEFINITELY GAY? NO.

UH, WOMEN SKIP, CHILDREN SKIP,

I SKIP.

I'VE SKIPPED. AM I GAY? YES.

(laughter)

WHO SAYS THAT HAVING A GAY WALK MAKES SOMEBODY GAY?

MAYBE HE JUST WALKS LIKE THAT.

IF I SIT IN A CHAIR, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME HANDICAPPED.

BUT DOES THAT MAKE THE CREATURE GAY

BECAUSE I'M GAY? NO.

WOULD I BE GAY WITH THE CREATURE?

(laughs) MAYBE. (laughter)

YEAH. I MEAN, IF I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY FOR SCIENCE,

YEAH, I MEAN, FOR ONE SHOT, OF COURSE.

(laughter)

PROFESSOR WILKENS IS AN IDIOT.

HE DOESN'T WORK FOR AN ACCREDITED INSTITUTION

OF ANY KIND.

YES, MOST OF THE CREATURES

THAT I HAVE STUDIED ARE-- HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE GAY,

AND THAT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

(laughter) (Thomas) I DON'T THINK

SOMEONE CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN GAYFOOT.

I THINK YOU'RE EITHER BORN BELIEVING IN GAYFOOT

OR BEING A SKEPTIC. (laughter)

(Demetri imitates gunshot) (whoosh)

**

**

(whoosh) EVERYONE KNOWS THE EXPRESSION

"THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER."

I'M NOW GOING TO DEMONSTRATE SOME LESS COMMON EXPRESSIONS

USING SCENE WORK.

(laughter)

SO JENNY WANTS ME TO GO TO HER, UH, HER COUSIN'S WEDDING

IN AUSTRALIA. (Demetri) UH-HUH.

SO I HAVE TO PAY $2,000 TO BE BORED FOR 5 DAYS.

JESUS, JENNY.

SHE'S FORCING AN OWL TO JOG AT NOON.

(laughter)

YOU'RE ASKING A LOT.

FOR AN OWL TO BE AWAKE AT NOON IS ALREADY A BIG THING TO ASK. (laughter)

NOW TO FORCE THEM TO GO JOGGING, TOO?

YOU'RE ASKING WAY TOO MUCH HERE. (laughter)

WHAT'S WRONG? AH,

I WORE THE SAME TIE TO WORK AS MY BOSS.

I THINK IT REALLY ANNOYED HIM.

RELAX. YOU'RE FARTING NEXT TO A WATERFALL.

(laughter)

(whispers) NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE. (laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(Demetri) HEY. HEY. SORRY I'M LATE.

AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. THIS PLACE IS A SNAIL'S ASS (bleep).

(laughter)

...REALLY HARD TO FIND.

(laughter)

(applause)

I HEARD YOU WALKED IN ON TOM LAST NIGHT?

(chuckles) YEAH. I CAUGHT HIM LOG TWOBBLING.

(laughter)

...DOING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS BAD,

BUT ACTUALLY ISN'T ANYTHING. (laughter)

I HEARD TIM'S TAKING YOU ON A ROAD TRIP.

YEAH. YEAH. ON A SUNNY DAY?

UH-HUH. (sighs) NOT A GOOD IDEA.

WHY?

IT'S BRIGHT OUT, RIGHT? YEAH.

YEAH, HE'S GOT TESTICLE EYES. (laughter)

...REALLY SENSITIVE EYES. (laughter)

* WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? *

* DO YOU SEE? I SEE *

* WHAT DO YOU... (quietly) THE CANOPY OF THIS PARTICULAR FOREST

PROVIDES THE IDEAL HABITAT FOR THE HAMMER SLOTH.

WITH PLENTIFUL SHADE FROM THE SUN

AND AN ABUNDANCE OF LUSH VEGETATION,

WE ARE PERFECTLY SITUATED TO CATCH A GLIMPSE

OF ONE OF NATURE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL

AND RAREST CREATURES.

NOW WE TRACKED THE SLOTH

TO THIS LOCATION.

SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE-- (twig snaps)

(whispers) COME HERE.

(man whispering) THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

WE'VE FOLLOWED THE FLIGHT PATH OF THE BIRD TO ITS NEST.

(whispering) EXCUSE ME. I'VE LOCATED--

EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YEAH, I AM, TOO.

OKAY. OKAY.

WAIT, NO, NO, NO. SHH, SHH! NO, NO, NO, COME HERE.

I CAN'T. I-- SHH, SHH!

I JUST LOCATED THE-- PLEASE BE QUIET.

(rustling) SHH. CAN YOU-- GUYS, I NEED YOU GUYS STILL.

NO, NO, NO. YOU GUYS GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. SHH. WE NEED YOU STILL AND QUIET.

I-I-I-I--THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. YOU GUYS GOTTA CLEAR OUT. OKAY,

I UNDERSTAND. I JUST LOCATED THE NEST.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION OVER HERE? I CAN'T. I HAVE TO--

THERE'S A HAMMER SLOTH IN THIS AREA.

THERE'S A (bleep) GROUSE ABOUT TO MATE.

I GOTTA GET IT ON CAMERA RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL-- I'M SORRY TO SWEAR.

O-OKAY, APOLOGY ACCEPTED. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE. I CAN'T. PLEASE--

OKAY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, YOU GOTTA BE QUIET.

YOU GOTTA STAND STILL. I'M GONNA ASK YOU. I'M GONNA ASK YOUR CREW AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, THE RUSTLING NEEDS TO STOP.

(man) OKAY. WE'RE LOSING LIGHT.

SO I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU GUYS WOULD JUST KEEP IT DOWN.

GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES SO I CAN REDO THIS TAKE, ALL RIGHT?

JUST GET OUT OF HERE. SHH. SHH. SHH!

(scoffs) YOU'RE GONNA SCARE YOUR GROUSE AWAY, SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT IT?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

THREE, TWO...

(laughter)

HOW WAS THAT SHOT? DID THAT SHOT WORK OUT FOR YOU? OKAY.

JOHN, DID THAT SHOT WORK OUT? THAT WAS REAL GROWN-UP. THAT'S REAL GROWN-UP, BUDDY.

YEAH. OH, I ALREADY LOST MY SHOT. THERE, THERE'S YOUR SHOT.

HA HA. HA HA HA. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? I ALREADY LOST MY SHOT.

OKAY, I APOLOGIZE, BUT WHERE'S YOUR GROUSE?

RIGHT UP THERE. WHERE?

RIGHT UP IN THAT TREE. (laughter)

WHY DON'T WE GET A SHOT OF IT? IT'S BEAUTIFUL. YEAH, I SEE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT!

YOU GET OUT OF HERE. YOU JUST--

(grunts)

(grunts) (grunts)

(breathing heavily)

(laughter)

ABOUT 50 FEET FROM HERE IS A RARE SIGHT INDEED--

TWO NORTH AMERICAN NATURE DOCUMENTARIANS.

NORMALLY, SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND INTROVERTED,

THEY BECOME VICIOUS-- SON OF A BITCH!

OH, CRAP! GET HIM!

GET HIM!

(man) BETWEEN SOCRATES AND PLATO,

THERE WAS... (dramatic music plays)

(Demetri) THE ENLIGHTENED MAN PAYS CLOSE ATTENTION

TO THE NATURAL WORLD, TO THE TREES,

TO THE SUN, TO THE SKY,

AND ESPECIALLY... (boing)

(boing, thud)

TO THE QUALITY OF HIS SANDALS WHEN STANDING ON A HILL.

(dramatic music plays)

**

(whoosh) THANKS.

I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS

THAT ARE GOOD, BAD AND INTERESTING

IN A SEGMENT CALLED...

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO...

GOOD...

BAD FOR...

(laughter)

INTERESTING WHILE CHOOSING BREAST IMPLANTS. (laughter)

OKAY, "THROW BACK THE LITTLE ONES."

GOOD--YOU'RE FISHING.

(laughter)

BAD--YOU'RE ADOPTING.

(laughter)

INTERESTING-- YOU'RE A ROCK STAR,

AND WOMEN ARE THROWING PANTIES ON THE STAGE WITH YOU. (laughter)

(applause) (chuckles)

JUST GOING...

"TOO SMALL." (laughter)

(laughs)

(laughs) ACTUALLY, YOU PROBABLY JUST WANT TO THROW BACK

THE REALLY BIG ONES. (laughter)

GRANDMOTHER--NOT FOR ME. HERE YOU GO.

(laughter)

"BUY LOCALLY."

GOOD--VEGETABLES.

BAD...

(laughter)

INTERESTING-- A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE.

(laughter)

"HI, I'D LIKE A BRIDE. YEAH, 30 MINUTES?

THAT'D BE GREAT." (laughter)

ALL RIGHT, "SPRAY WITH WATER."

GOOD... (laughter)

BAD--A FLOOD.

(laughter)

INTERESTING...

(laughter)

I'M SORRY. (groans) (laughter)

ALL RIGHT, "WAY TO CATCH A MOUSE."

GOOD...

BAD... (laughter)

INTERESTING... (laughs)

(laughter) (chuckles)

"WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE MOUSE?"

(whoosh)

**

(man) HAILING FROM SOUTHEASTERN WYOMING,

THIS RED FOX CAME FROM ALMOST NOTHING,

UNTIL HE FOUND A $5 BILL AT A CAMPGROUND

AND BURIED IT.

(cash register bell dings) THIS IS HIS FIRST YEAR ON "THE FORBES 100."

(laughter) HE SOARS THROUGH THE AIR WITH A SUBTLE ELEGANCE.

(eagle screeches) HE IS A BIRD OF PREY,

A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF PRIDE,

AND WITH $1, THE RICHEST BIRD IN THE WORLD.

(cash register bell dings) (laughter)

(swing music playing) HEIR TO THE OAK TREE FORTUNE,

THIS RACCOON INHERITED $3

THAT HIS GRANDFATHER HID IN A TREE.

NOW HE IS THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF "THE FORBES 100."

(cash register bell dings) WELCOME.

(African music playing) THE AFRICAN SERENGETI,

WHERE SOME OF THE RICHEST ANIMALS IN THE WORLD

COME TO PLAY.

AND WHAT PARTY WOULD BE COMPLETE

WITHOUT THIS UGANDAN SOCIALITE?

HER NET WORTH WAS ORIGINALLY COUNTED IN THE TWOS OF DOLLARS.

(laughter) BUT IT HAS DROPPED BY ALMOST 40%

DUE TO UGANDA'S RECENT CURRENCY CRISIS

AND GOING TO THE BATHROOM. (cash register bell dings)

(slow music playing) AND THE WEALTHIEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD,

WITH $47,

IS A HERMIT CRAB THAT USES A WALLET FOR A SHELL.

(cash register bell dings) (laughter)

THIS HAS BEEN...

**

* THIS IS A SKETCH * YES, IT IS

* THIS IS A SKETCH * THAT'S RIGHT

* THIS IS A SKETCH * SKETCH IT UP

* IT'S A SKETCH * SKETCH

(whoosh)

**

(woman's voice) "DEAR DIARY,

"MAN, THIS GUY DEMETRI IS UNREAL.

"TODAY, HE TAKES ME TO A PICNIC

AND STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT." IF WE DON'T HAVE THE ENVIRONMENT,

WHAT DO WE HAVE?

AM I RIGHT? YEAH.

MM. (man) YEAH.

SOON, THIS IS ALL GONNA BE GONE. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

"HOW ABOUT YOU WATER SOME PLANTS

WITH YOUR PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE?" IF YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING

THEN YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. DON'T YOU THINK SO? YEAH.

I DO THINK SO, ACTUALLY. (man) DEFINITELY.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. "IT'S SO OBVIOUS HE'S JUST TRYING

TO GET INTO THAT HIPPIE GIRL'S PANTS." I CAN'T SLEEP SOMETIMES, 'CAUSE I'M JUST THINKING,

WHAT WORLD WILL BE LEFT FOR MY CHILDREN'S CHILDREN?

"IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE CHILDREN, LET'S END THE WORLD NOW." I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME THAT.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF IDEAS ABOUT THAT. "THEN HE PICKS ME UP

"AND SHOWS THEM A LIST OF SOLUTIONS

HE WROTE UP ON THE DRIVE HERE."

I THINK THEY CAN REUSE COAL,

LIKE, ONCE YOU BURN IT, JUST PUT IT BACK IN.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, YEAH.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GIRL IS BUYING THIS CRAP."

DON'T FLUSH THE TOILET AS MUCH.

YEAH. AND IF SOMEONE'S LITTERING, LIKE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT--

HURT 'EM. "LOOK, I'M ALL FOR NATURE.

"MY PARENTS ARE TREES.

BUT THIS IS JUST NUTS." AND PLUS, ANIMALS.

I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS.

"PLUS, ANIMALS. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS.

"(bleep) THIS GUY.

SERIOUSLY, (bleep) THIS GUY." (Demetri) ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL CLEAN ALL THIS UP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS. YOU SURE?

YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT. I GOT IT. THANK YOU. AWESOME.

OKAY, COOL. "AND AFTER ALL THAT TALK ABOUT SAVING THE WORLD,

HE RIPS THE PAGE OUT OF ME AND THROWS IT TO THE GROUND." (page rips)

"DOES THIS GUY GET OFFON BEING A HYPOCRITE OR SOMETHING?

"LIKE, DOES LYING TO PEOPLE ACTUALLY,LIKE, GET HIM HORNY? (trash clatters)

"BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T SEE ANY OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS.

"I'M SO EMBARRASSED

TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK."

* YEAH, YEAH

NATURE--WHO CAN BEAT NATURE?

YOU HAVE TO BE KIND TO NATURE.

**

(rimshot plays)

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THINGS DOWN FOR A MINUTE

WITH SOME RUMINATIONS.

**

BIRD-WATCHING IS HARMLESS

TO US,

BUT TO BIRDS, THAT'S (bleep) CREEPY.

(laughter)

**

I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY BIRDS THAT ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

THAT WOULD SUCK.

(laughter)

* RUMINATIONS

(playing harmonica)

I THINK THERE'S A CERTAIN AGE

WHERE YOU STOP CLIMBING TREES FOR FUN.

IF YOU SEE A GROWN-UP IN A TREE, SOMETHING'S WRONG.

(laughter)

**

IF I WERE A TAXIDERMIST,

AFTER I STUFFED SOME OF THE ANIMALS,

I'D PROBABLY PUT A COUPLE OF 'EM BACK IN THE FOREST.

(laughter)

THEN THE OTHER ANIMALS WOULD THINK

THAT THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE. (laughter)

"HEY, SQUIRREL, WHAT'S UP?

HELLO! I'M TALKING TO YOU." (laughter)

WHAT A DICK. (laughter)

**

MOST TAXIDERMISTS, WHEN THEY DIE, THEY'RE BURIED.

THAT SEEMS LIKE A WASTED OPPORTUNITY.

(laughter)

IF I WORKED IN A PLANT STORE,

I WOULD WEAR CAMOUFLAGE TO WORK.

(laughter)

THEN IF I WANTED TO TAKE A BREAK,

I'D JUST STAND STILL.

(laughter)

(playing harmonica)

I'M ALLERGIC TO FISH.

SO IF YOU SEE ME FISHING,

THAT'S A DICK MOVE ON MY PART. (laughter)

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

**