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Look at them birds go to town.

Isn't it wonderful, Hester?

The auctioneer said Benjamin Franklin had it in his parlor.

It's a genuine antique.

It's old, too, ain't it?

That's what antique means, Hester.

- Yeah? - Look, it plays 10 tunes.

That one wouldn't start no jam session in Harlem.

Come on, help me get it inside.

I want to surprise Mr. Fuller when he comes home.

Can he get Moscow on this?

Oh, it isn't a radio, Hester, just a music box.

They didn't have radios in those days.

Not even H.V. Cackleborn?

See who that is, Hester.

Yessum.

In case you forgot, Mrs. Fuller

this is my night off.

I know, Hester. You can go right after dinner.

Yessum.

Alright, alright..

Why don't you just kick the door down?

Uh-oh. Tsk-tsk.

'Who is it, Hester?'

It's the dog again.

I guess I'd better get the mop.

No, we don't need a mop.

All we need is a new rug.

And it will cost you $75.

- Seventy five dollars? - Exactly, Mrs. Fuller.

Your hound apparently isn't satisfied with his dog biscuits.

He insists on including the building's best carpets

in his diet.

Why, that's impossible, Mr. Gibney.

How could a little dog like Ramy ruin $75 worth of rugs?

How he manages it is no concern of mine, Mrs. Fuller.

Maybe he has friends.

But that rug has got to be replaced and will cost $75.

After that, the dog will have to go.

But you told we could keep him here when we took the apartment.

There is nothing in the lease that says

that I have to feed him oriental rugs!

That carnivorous beast has got to go.

In that case, Mr. Gibney, we're moving.

That's exactly what I was hoping you'd say.

Good day, Mrs. Fuller.

Good day!

Oh, Ramy.

Ramy!

Ramy, come home.

Hello, Mr. Gibney.

No, no, Ramy.

- Hello, sis. - Hello, Madge.

Something bite our landlord?

No such luck. Ramy settled for a carpet.

Didn't you, Ramy?

We're moving the 1st of the month.

Again?

Say, that trucking company must think

we're a band of gypsies.

What we need is a home of our own.

Try and tell that to your husband.

- He's a born cliff dweller. - I know.

It's going to be bad enough telling him we have to move.

Who is that?

That's my new chemistry teacher, Mr. Welch.

Oh, he's out of this world.

Hmm, I agree with you.

You mind if I put him in Uncle Stanley's frame?

I most assuredly do.

Supposing Uncle Stanley drops in?

Drops in? Hah.

When he comes, it's for the season.

Besides, there are a dozen other pictures of him around

and I'm tired of every one of them.

Now, Madge.

Well, he'll probably leave all his money to charity anyhow.

Madge, have you got another crush?

The bond between Mr. Welch and me is more than a crush.

It's a common interest.

I'm going to become a chemist

and work side by side with him

like Arrowsmith and his wife.

What about Steve?

Oh, Steve, why he's just a mere child.

He'll get over it.

Besides, he thinks more of his new tire than he does of me.

Mr. Welch is different.

He has that tired, gaunt look of a man who's lived.

Bill, dear, what happened? Did you fall?

No, darling, I slept here all night.

I can stretch out better. Hello, sweet.

This silly rug. It's ripped all over.

That's a shame, Bill.

Go away, boy. I nearly broke my neck.

I can't understand Mr. Gibney permitting a thing like that.

It's disgraceful. I wish you'd speak to him about it.

I uh--will, Bill.

Uh-oh.

Say, who's this?

Madge's latest, her chemistry teacher.

What happened to that English professor

and that Biology instructor she was so crazy about?

That was last week.

I never knew anyone who loved school as much as she does.

Can I start dinner now, Mrs. Fuller?

Remember, this is my night off.

In a few minutes, Hester. I have to shave first.

Can't he shave in the morning?

No, I can't shave in the mornin'.

I gotta brush my teeth in the mornin'.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

If I miss my First Aid class, it's your fault.

First Aid class. Wouldn't surprise me

if she turned out to be a foreign agent.

All she does is come in and rearrange the dust.

What's that?

It's an early American music box, Bill.

I picked it up in Pennsylvania at an auction.

You mean, you had to bid for a thing that?

Oh, I just couldn't resist it.

Darling, you're wonderful.

A colonial jukebox.

Hey, wait a minute. What were you doing in Pennsylvania?

Oh, I drove out there to see Tom and Ellen.

It was such a lovely day.

- Oh. - Bill..

...you know that old barn they bought?

Well, you should see how they fixed it over.

Pine floors and big studio windows

with lace curtains, and the most beautiful big old

four poster bed I've ever seen.

Four poster bed in a barn?

What do they do, sleep with the horses?

It must be fine to wake up in the morning

with a horseshoe in the middle of your back.

Oh, Bill, don't be funny.

I'm trying to tell you, Tom and Ellen live there.

They've made the barn into a house.

- Bill? - Yeah?

- Yeah? - Nothing.

What's the matter, honey? Is there something on your mind?

No, of course not. It's just that--

I'll see who's at the door.

Shut that thing off on the way out, will you?

Sounds like Phil Harris' orchestra.

Step right in, folks.

'I'm sure you'll find this a very charming apartment.'

'Who is it, Hester?'

I just want to show these people through the apartment.

Well, couldn't you do it later, Mr. Gibney?

My husband hasn't finished shaving yet.

- It'll take a few minutes. - But Mr. Gibney--

It's in the lease, you know.

Now this, as you see, is the living room.

The windows overlook the park.

Very nice.

Now, we have, uh, two bedrooms.

Right, uh, this way..

Can I start serving now, Mrs. Fuller?

It's getting late.

In just a few minutes, Hester.

If I'm late again, they're going to take my uniform away from me.

Now, this is the master bedroom with, uh, private bath.

Mm-hmm, it's very nice.

It has modern plumbing

and a particularly large chest, you'll notice.

Hmm.

Uh, step right in.

My, what roomy drawers.

Hey, what is this?

I'm showing these people through the apartment.

Oh. Oh, well, have a seat.

Make yourself at home.

Do you get plenty of hot water? I like hot water in my bath.

It's practically molten "laa-va"

or lava.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Thank you, Mr. Fuller.

Connie!

'Connie!'

- Connie! - Yes, dear.

Are you selling tickets for this tour

or does it go with the apartment?

What was that? The Dice Committee?

Oh, didn't Mr. Gibney tell you, darling?

All Mr. Gibney said was that my chest was roomy.

I mean about our moving.

Moving?

Now, Bill, there's no need to get excited.

It isn't as if we're being dispossessed.

But, Connie, you can't be serious.

You're kidding. Why, we've already moved

three times this year.

Bill, it's only an apartment.

We'll find a much better place.

But what's wrong with this place?

Well, it wasn't my fault

that Ramy chewed the carpet in the hall.

The poor dog is teething.

Well, then take him to the dentist.

Oh.

Oh, it was Ramy.

Mm-hmm.

Come back here.

How many times have I told you not to eat the carpets?

I'll fix him.

Mr. Gibney wants $75 for the rug.

$75?

$75.

Now, the dining room and the kitchen are right in here.

Excuse me, Mrs. Fuller

but I just want to remind you--

You can serve dinner now, Hester.

With all them people in there?

Naturally, with all those people in there.

You don't think I can come home

from the office and sit down to a quiet meal, do you?

Now, Bill, there's no need for dramatics.

I'll look for another place tomorrow--

Pack, unpack.. I've slept in so many moving vans

they want me to appear on"Hobby Lobby".

- Hello, Hester. - Hi, Mr. Steve.

- Hello, Mrs. Fuller. - 'Hello, Steve.'

Say, you don't mind if I leave my spare tire here, do you?

Got no lock on the car. Been shaving, Mr. Fuller?

No, foaming.

Madge is inside, Steve.

Many thanks.

Oh, Madge, that man is here!

I'll be right out.

- Bill-- - We'll probably end up..

in a trailer in Central Park.

Bill, if we had our own home

with a yard for Ramy to play in..

- I was thinking about it today. - Now, don't start that again.

We've been all through that.

But it's these apartments, Bill.

I like apartments.

I was born in one, I want to die in one.

People die in houses, too.

I don't want to die in a house.

Besides, we're closer to heaven here.

And besides, I like to run the elevator.

Oh, Connie, maybe you and Gibney

got excited or something.

I'm sure he wouldn't object

to a little pup around the house.

Well, alright, Bill, if you think you can talk to him but--

Just leave it to me.

I'll have him on his knees begging us to stay.

Mr. Gibney..

Mr. Gibney..

Mr. Gibney..

Yes. Oh, excuse me, folks.

I marked up the best bets, Connie.

We'll start from the top of the column and work our way down.

I went through that this morning, Bill.

Every apartment I visited looked like a dungeon.

Connie, you've got to be a little broad-minded.

After all, this is New York.

You've got to share the available space

with a few other people.

Anyway, let's try these places. How bad can they be?

We'll do nothing of the sort. It's Saturday afternoon

I'm taking you for a drive in the country.

A drive? What do I want a drive in the country for?

It's full of insects.

Now, don't you feel better, darling,

being away from the city with all its noise and smoke?

I like the city.

I even like smoke.

Smell that air.

It smells like an old hat.

Oh, Connie, why don't you cut out all this nonsense?

Let's go back to town and get an apartment.

No, Bill, not today, please.

Can't we just enjoy the outdoors?

Why, this whole countryside

is tied up with American history.

Africa is tied up with African history

but I don't feel like driving there.

This road we're on is the Old York road.

The Continental Congress used it going to Philadelphia.

Washington crossed the Delaware

just a little ways from here.

Don't you get kind of a thrill?

What's the matter with you, Connie? You knew you were in America.

Bill, you know something?

Just down this road, there's an old house

where George Washington actually slept.

Never mind where George slept.

Where are we gonna sleep after Friday?

There it is. There's the house now.

Isn't it exciting? 200 years old.

N-n-no.

Looks like a motel for buzzards.

Oh, Bill, 200 years ago,

it was full of Colonial soldiers.

If only those walls could talk.

Well, I can! I want to go back to town.

Oh, Bill, let's go inside.

Let's just peek in. Come on

Look, let's go back.

What a lovely old door.

Oh, Bill, darling.

Fine wood they used in the revolution.

1776.

Just think, Bill, George Washington slept here..

...George Washington.

Martha wasn't a very good housekeeper, was she?

And look at that fireplace?

That's a Dutch oven.

Hmm.

Oh, and these wonderful old timbers.

They really knew how to build houses in those days.

Uh-huh.

I wonder what's in there.

I can hardly wait to see.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kimber.

This is my husband. I've been showing him through the house.

Careful of them upstairs floors, ma'am.

One of them caved in last month.

Oh, yes. Mr. Kimber's the caretaker.

Oh. Have you been here 200 years, too?

What's that?

Come on, Bill, I want you to go upstairs and see the bedrooms.

Connie, we have a lot to do in town.

But this is the bedroom Washington slept in

just before he left for Yorktown.

You buy me a book on American history

and I'll read it on West 97th street.

Right now, I'm hot and hungry.

- Bill-- - Connie, we've seen the house!

Bill..

...I bought it.

You..

What was that?

Yes, I bought the place. It's ours.

Let me get this straight, Connie.

You have purchased this out house?

It's all ours.

Connie..

...do you mean to stand there and tell me

that without saying a word, without consulting me all,

you took our money and..

I think you're out of your mind!

- Bill, please. - But I hate the country..

You know I hate the country.

But, Bill, I just had the feeling

that I wanted something to hang on to

a home, a piece of land

something that's real.

This will last as long as anything lasts.

Look at this house.

It was standing when our country started.

And the way things are now

it's something pretty wonderful to have.

That's why I wanted it, Bill.

I wanted it for us.

Oh, don't be angry.

Please say you're not angry.

Angry?

I could spit from here to Mount Vernon.

Look at this place. Just look at it!

But it was a terrific bargain, Bill.

I got it at a terrific bargain.

More than a dollar?

Is it safe to walk up this ancient timber

or must I install a ski lift?

We ain't had a good snowstorm in about 3 years.

You just wait and see it a month from now when it's fixed up.

We're gonna do it all with local labor, aren't we, Mr. Kimber?

Mr. Kimber's going to superintendent the whole thing.

Can't you just see the possibilities?

Connie, I don't see how you do it, or why.

Bill!

Oh, Mr. Fuller, watch out for that floor.

It's weak.

Thanks.

- Quite a surprise, wasn't it? - Have you, uh..

...figured out yet what you're going to do about water?

Water? What water?

Well, what're you gonna do about getting water?

Getting water? We've got water.

No, you ain't, Mrs. Fuller.

Why, of course we have. What about the well?

Mr. Henderson said it was the deepest well..

- ...in the whole country. - Yeah, it's deep, alright.

but there ain't no water in it.

Well, I'm certainly going to speak to--

'Connie!'

Yes, dear.

When George Washington slept here where'd he hang his clothes?

There isn't a closet in there.

And apparently, he never had to go to the bathroom.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, dear.

There isn't any just yet.

What are we supposed to do, go back to the apartment?

Look, Mr. Kimber, let's not tell Mr. Fuller about the water.

Yes, ma'am.

But he's gonna find out as soon as he wants a drink of water.

Well, isn't there any water at all, anywhere?

Well, there's the brook.

It's about 200 yards away.

You can see it from the kitchen.

That's fine.

I'll show it to you.

Of course, you'd have to carry the water

up a bucketful at a time.

Mr. Fuller might not like that.

No, he wouldn't.

It's right out there, behind the barn.

Look, can't we just dig another well and find water?

Nothing to stop you doing that.

Well, there you are then.

We've got water.

Oh, Bill!

Bill, darling!

Bill.

Bill, darling, are you hurt?

No, no. I'm just having fun.

What happened, darling?

I found a secret stairway.

Guess you'd better keep that upstairs door locked.

People are always falling through.

Ooh.

Oh, rest over here a minute, dear.

Oh, Bill!

Help me, Mr. Kimber.

Connie, I'd like to sit here a minute.

Do you mind?

I feel safer here.

Get me a glass of water, will you?

You can get it right down at the brook, about 200 yards.

There isn't any water, dear, not yet.

No water?

Only a well,

but it went dry about 8 years ago.

Well, that's fine.

A house with no floors, no bathroom

now to top it off, no water.

Connie, you must have been crazy.

How could you do a thing like this? How?

Bill, you hate it, don't you?

Hate it?

I couldn't warm up to this place

if I was burned alive in it.

Look at it. The most miserable junk pile I've ever seen.

And for this, we're giving up

a nice, clean apartment in town.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Bill.

I thought you'd get a kick out of..

Well, out of making the place over, making it ours.

We own every bit of it

those trees, and the brook, and this house.

'Can't you see yourself coming down the road'

'on an Autumn night, the smell of leaves burning?'

Or coming in and lighting the fire and maybe it's raining outside.

Why, Mr. Kimber

Bill doesn't appreciate those things, does he?

You're gonna need a cesspool, too, Mrs. Fuller.

Well, go ahead and get it, Mr. Kimber.

Get everything. What's money?

We'll turn this place into another Tobacco Road.

Get away from that, Bossy!

Excuse me, Mr. Fuller.

My cow is trying to get into your car.

Ask her if she wants the keys.

Get away from there, angel! Go on, get away.

Get away from there. Go on, get away.

I can just see myself ending my days here.

I can hear 'em say,

"There's the old Fuller place up the road.

"Ever meet old man Fuller? He's a hermit.

"Don't let your children go near him.

He'll eat their arms off."

Oh, uh, that's the old well.

Mr. Prescott's place is right over there.

Bill!

Oh, Bill!

Deepest well in the county.

Ain't no water in it.

Bill!

Yoo hoo!

That dame told me George Washington slept here.

Yeah? I guess that's what drove him to Valley Forge.

I can't make no dinner until I know where

that kitchen stuff is, Mrs. Fuller.

It's around here somewhere, Hester. Maybe Mr. Fuller has it in his car.

There ain't even a broom in the kitchen.

There's nothin' but a hole in the wall.

Now, Hester, please. Mr. Fuller will be here any minute.

I'm sure he has all those things.

George Washington should have chopped this house down

instead of the cherry tree.

'I've never seen anything like this.'

Hey, would you mind calling your dog?

I'm afraid I might hit him.

I wouldn't advise you to do that.

But I've got to get through. I'm on my way home.

Not on this road. This happens to be my road.

Well, there must be some mistake.

You see, my house is right over there.

I just bought it. My name's Fuller.

Did you buy the road?

Well, roads always come with houses.

Well then, this is evidently an exception.

This happens to be my private road

and you're trespassing.

How am I supposed to get to my house, jump?

How you manage that is no concern of mine.

Your right of way is through the woods.

Is that so?

Well, you just listen to me.

This road leads to my house

and I'm gonna drive on it.

I'll get that dog off the road if I have to pull him off.

Oh, well, it's too petty to argue about.

Look out!

Howdy, Mr. Fuller!

Howdy!

Bill, darling.

Darling, what's the matter with your head?

There's nothing the matter with my head, Connie.

I'm holding it because

it's the only head left in the family.

Connie, I just had to drive across the field.

Well, why didn't you use the road, silly?

Because it happens to belong to our neighbor, Mr. Prescott.

Mr. Prescott? I don't understand.

When did you buy this house, during a blackout?

Maybe we oughta trade this car in for a tank.

I'll see the real estate agent first thing in the morning.

I wish you would.

We might find out the house doesn't belong to us, either.

That'll be the best news I've had all week.

Well, here you are at last, and it's about time.

Here are your pots and pans, Hester.

You can take them right to the kitchen.

- Yessum. - Just a minute, Hester.

What am I, a truck?

You'll do until one comes along.

Humph.

Well, I see the black hole of Calcutta

hasn't changed a bit.

What became of local labor?

Oh, Mr. Kimber says they'll be ready

to start work any day now.

If it hadn't been for Mr. Prescott's green house

we'd have been finished on time.

He took all the men away.

I think we're gonna love Mr. Prescott.

Made us give up the apartment.

Had to be here by June 15th.

Everything will be ready.

Everything but bedrooms, bathrooms, dining rooms,

kitchen floors, walls, and ceilings.

Well, I guess we'll have to put up with a few

little annoyances for awhile, Bill.

after the..

Do you know what that is?

That's the yellow-breasted barn swallow.

Is that so?

Yes. It has a triple call.

It'll come 3 times. Now listen. Shush.

That isn't the same bird, is it, Connie?

I suppose he's going to be drilling for water all summer.

You go ahead, Bill. I'll bring the rest of the stuff.

Thanks.

Bill, the well!

- Hello, Bill. - Hello, Madge.

- Hello, Mr. Fuller. - Hi, Steve.

Honey, you might as well take those things right on upstairs.

Can I help you, Mr. Fuller?

No, I'll make it all right.

Say, I found your tuxedo.

It needs pressing. You'd better take it upstairs.

Fine, I'll have it all pressed for dinner.

Hey, where are the stairs?

Oh, right this way, sir.

Okay?

Oh, Bill, darling, this way.

Oh.

'Bill, be careful!'

I'll make it alright.

Hey, where do you want this?

In the back room.

Okay.

Connie, you didn't have that hole in the floor fixed.

Bill, darling, are you alright?

Fine. I'm getting used to that trap door by now.

Where is it? Where's the phone, Connie?

Where'd you hide it?

Oh, here's the bell box.

- Where? - Right over here.

Oh.

Follow the wire. It must lead somewhere.

Where does this go, Connie?

Why'd you get such a long cord?

I thought it'd be convenient

in case one of us was upstairs.

I'll be upstairs any second.

This must lead back to our apartment.

Oh, it's right through here, Mr. Fuller.

Ramy, if it's for you, I'll let you know.

Ramy! Ramy, be quiet!

Answering a telephone in this house

is like going on a scavenger hunt.

Hello! Fuller residence.

No, this isn't the Hotchkiss Pottery Company!

No, I don't know their number!

Do they know mine?

I'm quitting.

What's the matter, Hester?

I'm scared to work in that kitchen.

- Scared? - What do you mean?

A horse just walked in.

There he is now.

Come on, get out of here.

Out, get out!

Go on!

Horses wandering around the kitchen

people dropping through the ceiling..

Once that wall's up, Hester, it'll never happen again.

No stove, no sink, no ice box.

Ain't even got no water.

I've towed enough water to float a battleship.

Make the best of it for a few days, please, Hester.

Sure, Hester, relax.

You're in the country now.

Why don't you go sit in the sun for awhile.

Sun? This kitchen is sunny enough for me, with no wall.

Oh, Hester, how about going down to the brook for water

and making us all a great big pitcher of iced tea?

Madge, Hester's very busy right now.

Why don't you and Steve run to the brook and get water?

Swell. I've got an hour yet.

Are you sure about that train, Mrs. Fuller?

Oh, certainly, Steve, 5:38. It's an express.

Oh, here we are.

"5:38 express."

Oh, "Does not run after April 21st."

'Oh, well, there must be another one.'

Say, this is funny.

"10:54.."

Nothing before that?

Why don't you stay all night, Steve?

Oh, you might as well.

You're trapped like a rat.

I guess I'd better.

What time can I get a morning train?

Oh, morning trains.

"5:46 a.m., 5:46..."

Well, after the 5:46, there's nothing

until 1:20 in the afternoon.

'That's kind of a..'

Well, I'll just have to get that late one tonight.

I'm not going to get up at 3:00 in the morning.

Come on, Madge.

I wonder why they took that train off.

I asked Mr. Henderson before I bought the place.

I said, "Could you commute?"

and he said, "Yes, you certainly could."

Of course, I can.

I'll get to the office 6:45 in the morning

take a Pullman out here at night so I can get some sleep.

I won't see much of the double-breasted barn swallow

but I can commute.

'Mr. Fuller!'

Mrs. Fuller!

Mr. Fuller, Mrs. Fuller!

Can you come out a minute?

- I want to show you something. - What is it, Mr. Kimber?

Good news, Mrs. Fuller, very good news.

Really? Did you hear that, Bill? Mr. Kimber has good news.

What is it, Mr. Kimber?

We drilled down 40 feet and what do you think?

- We just struck mud. - Mud?

Well, that's fine.

Let's all go have a glass.

Look at that.

Well, it's mud, alright.

Well, is that good, Mr. Kimber?

It's the best thing we struck so far.

Oh, it's wonderful, Connie.

Just think, on these hot nights in August when I can say

"Hester, make us a nice big pitcher of iced mud, will you?"

Well, if you strike mud, Mr. Fuller

there's usually water around somewhere.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Drill hard, Mr. Kimber, full speed ahead.

Let the water gush where it may.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, a couple of things, Mrs. Fuller.

I ordered the gravel. Gonna need another load, though.

Comes to a little more than we figured.

Let's see. We figured $42. It comes to about $135.00.

But then, we won't need gravel for a couple of years.

We figured a little wrong in the lime, too.

The price of lime went up since I spoke to you.

It'll be about $75 more than we figured.

- Mm-hmm. - And then, there's the trees.

We oughta start in doing something about the trees pretty soon.

Just what are we supposed to do about the trees

pay 'em for standing here?

You gotta spray 'em.

You see, we've got them Elm trees over there.

They're liable to get the Elm black.

Them two Oaks over by the house

they're liable to get the Oak Bore.

And this big Willow, it's got a canker in it already.

Then, of course, there's the tent caterpillar

and the measuring worm.

Well, I didn't know about the trees, Mr. Kimber.

Oh, yes, Connie. You see, the measuring worm

measures how much money you've got,

gets in touch with Mr. Kimber

and pretty soon we're living in a tent with those caterpillars.

Then there's the Japanese beetle.

They'll be coming along July 1st.

Now, let me get this straight, Mr. Kimber.

Every tree has to be sprayed.

- Is that right? - Yes, sir.

Well, who runs through the woods

and sprays all of those trees?

They seem to be doing alright!

I don't know, sir.

All I know is the trees have got to be sprayed.

If Mr. Kimber says the trees have to be sprayed

why, he knows.

If he knows, let him answer my question.

Who sprays the trees in the woods, Mr. Kimber?

What else was there, Mr. Kimber?

We'll talk about the trees later.

He oughta be sprayed if you ask me.

Was there anything else, Mr. Kimber?

We're gonna need a couple of truckloads of fertilizer.

That's $45 a load now.

Why, that's a bargain! What was it, a sale?

And let's see..

We're going to need 6 truckloads of dirt.

Now, just a minute, Mr. Kimber.

If there's one thing this place has got, it's dirt.

We are not going to buy any.

But it's not just dirt, Bill.

It's a special kind of dirt.

Connie, we have no water. Alright.

But now to find that we've got no dirt. That's too much.

Well, thanks very much, Mr. Kimber.

- I'll talk to you later. - Yes, ma'am.

I can just see them talking the whole thing over last year.

One locust saying to another.

"only a year more and Bill Fuller's

"going to buy that house and up we go.

"we'll all meet at the old Fuller place

"us and the Japanese beetle

"and the tent caterpillar

"and the measuring worm.

We'll all gang up and have a whale of a time."

Us and the insects.

But where's the money coming from to pay for all this?

Oh, it won't be so much, Bill.

You always have to do things like this in the beginning.

Take gravel, for instance.

You heard what Mr. Kimber said.

We won't need any gravel for another two years.

It isn't gravel that I'm concerned about.

I was just thinking of little things like eating.

Because when fertilizer costs more than sirloin steak

it kind of makes you stop and think.

Ramy.

'Ramy!'

'Ramy!'

'Ramy.'

'Ramy...Ramy..'

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ramy.

Ramy!

Here you..

Good afternoon. My name's Jeff Douglas.

How do you do?

Well, we made it.

Now, you behave yourself, Ramy.

I live in that white house down the road.

Thought I'd say hello to my new neighbors.

That's very nice of you, Mr. Douglas.

I hope you'll excuse the looks of the place.

You should have seen mine when I bought it

just an old shack with two walls and a floor.

Yes, I know your house. I was asking Mr. Kimber about it.

He says it's the oldest place down here.

About 1700, we think.

Really? Did you remodel it yourself?

Yes, it was a lot of fun.

That's what my husband and I think.

You oughta be able to do a lot with this house.

If I can help..

Thank you very much. I'm sure we'll need plenty of it.

Well, just call on me.

I'm practically a native by now, 5 years.

I run a little antique shop in town.

It's a great hobby, but it keeps me broke.

I can imagine.

Hey, Connie, I'd better put the top up on the car.

It looks like..

Oh.

Bill, this is Jeff Douglas.

My husband, Mr. Fuller.

- How do you do, sir? - Glad to know you.

Oh, Mr. Douglas owns that lovely

little white house we were admiring.

Who was admiring what little white house?

I hope you'll like it here, Mr. Fuller.

Well, it'll take me a little while

to get used to this pioneer life.

You see, my wife is the barefoot boy of the family.

He doesn't know what to make of the country just yet.

But when we get this house looking like yours, Mr. Douglas

I'll bet I won't be able to get him out of it.

My wife will bet on anything.

Tell me, Mr. Douglas.

You've been here a long time.

Do you know anything about this place?

When did George Washington sleep here?

Well, I know there's a legend that Washington slept here

but I'm afraid it isn't true, Mrs. Fuller.

You mean, he-he didn't sleep here at all?

No. As a matter of fact, we investigated

and we discovered that George Washington

never slept here. It was Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold? Are you sure, Mr. Douglas?

- 'Positive.' - Benedict Arnold.

Ha ha ha.

Well, we'll have a lot to be proud of around here.

Benedict Arnold. I can't believe it.

Oh, I'm afraid I've disillusioned you.

You didn't disillusion me.

The house really does have a history.

Maybe you'd like an map of the place

showing all the original boundaries.

You see, I'm president of the County Historical Society.

Well, I certainly would, Mr. Douglas

- if it isn't too much trouble. - Oh, no trouble at all.

It's fun for me digging into local backgrounds.

'Well, I guess I'd better be on my way.'

Looks like a storm coming up.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Douglas. It was nice of you to drop in.

Now, don't forget, please, if there's anything

I can do to help. Well, good-bye, Mr. Fuller.

Yeah, keep in touch with us.

Oh, uh..

'I think this is yours, Mrs. Fuller.'

Oh, yes. Thank you.

And how did he get that?

Well, Ramy gave it to him.

I mean, he got it from Ramy.

Oh, Ramy gave it to him?

Now, Bill, I think Mr. Douglas is very nice.

Hmm.

So it was Benedict Arnold that slept here.

Well, that's just dandy.

Didn't you ask any questions before you bought the place?

- Didn't you look at any papers? - Certainly, I did.

What, "The Pipe and Plumber Journal?"

No roads, no floors, no walls.

You can't get into the place

and you can't get out of it.

Maybe the government will take it over instead of Alcatraz.

Ah, the warden.

What is it, Mr. Kimber?

Good news, Mrs. Fuller.

The mud is thinning out.

Getting to look more like water every minute!

Well, just keep drilling, please!

And never mind the bulletin.

A man just left this.

Ah, a little note of welcome from the county.

"Road tax, $183.50."

Imagine what it would be if we had a road.

"School tax, $98.60.

"Extra assessment.

County poorhouse, $21.30."

Let's pay that and move right in.

Oh, Bill, help me close the windows.

Okay.

It's practically a cloud burst.

I hope it doesn't hurt anything.

What can it hurt, the room where Benedict Arnold slept?

Boy, it's gonna be a lulu!

We were down at the brook when we saw it coming.

Well, we know we're in the country, anyhow.

Hope it lets up before I have to leave.

Ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Look, there's a car.

'Oh, it's stopping here.'

Must be Boris Karloff. Heh heh heh heh!

Come on in!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sorry to bother you.

The rain's coming down so hard, we couldn't drive.

Hope you don't mind, for a few minutes.

Certainly not. Of course, we're not in very good order here.

This is my wife..

My wife, Mrs. Fuller. My sister-in-law, Madge

'and, uh, Steve Eldridge.'

How do you do? My name is Clayton Evans

and this is my wife, Rina Leslie.

We're acting at the playhouse.

Oh, I recognized you right away, Mr. Evans.

- I've seen you on the stage. - Oh, have you?

Oh, yes, last year.

'Connie, you've seen Mr. Evans.'

Oh, let me take your hat.

Gee, but it's exciting meeting you this way

Mr. Evans, in a rain storm.

'Well, we might as well sit down and be comfortable.'

Yeah, let's pull up the floor and sit down.

My wife has a delicious sense of humor.

Do you have a house down here, too, Mr. Evans?

No, just living at the inn for the summer.

We open Monday with "The Man Who CameTo Dinner".

Here you are.

The storm caught us on our way to rehearsal.

I didn't know they had a summer theater here.

If you can call it a theater.

I don't mind an occasional rustic touch

when you go into the dressing room and see a couple of birds

have built a nest in your girdle, well..

Oh, Rina, if you're going to start off that way

it's going to be fine.

What do you expect of a summer theater, anyhow?

Not a great deal, Clayton.

I just like them to take the pigs out

before they put the hams in, that's all.

I'd better close the shutters.

- I'll do it, Mrs. Fuller. - Thank you, Steve.

Oh, look, it's coming in the window

and under the door, too!

- Madge, get some rags, quickly. - Okay.

Oh, uh-- let me help you, miss uh..

Call me Madge.

Okay, Madge.

It happens all for the best.

Maybe we'll float away and land back in town.

I can't quite hear you.

The roof's leaking. There's a regular flood upstairs.

Fuller's Ark.

Here we are. This'll stop it.

Come on, Rina, give us a hand.

This is not in my equity contract, dear.

Connie.

It's raining, Connie, right in our little nest.

Oh, dear. Here, use this.

Have you another bucket, Mrs. Fuller

or shall I just open my mouth?

- Here you are, Mrs. Fuller. - Oh, thank you, Steve.

Here you are, Miss Leslie.

I think they just put the roof on

while you signed the deed

and they took it right away again.

Oh!

Mrs. Fuller, Mrs. Fuller..

...the kitchen table just floated away.

Never mind that now, Hester. Bring in some more pails.

Yes, but our dinner was on that table.

Gotta be a duck to work in that kitchen.

'Mrs. Fuller, Mrs. Fuller, good news!'

We struck it! We struck water!

Water!

What do they think this is, oatmeal?

Bill, did you hear what Mr. Kimber said?

We struck water.

Well, let's swim over and look at it.

Forty gallons a minute. Darndest thing you ever saw.

You'll pardon us, Miss Leslie. This is very important.

Of course. We're having such a lot of fun.

Just keep the buckets coming.

Are you sure it's water, Mr. Kimber?

It's not oil or something?

Oh no, sir, it's water alright.

I checked up a half an hour ago, didn't want to tell you.

Forty gallons a minute.

He would strike water in a rain storm.

Hello, Mr. Prescott. What are you doing out in the rain?

Mr. Fuller, you have just put a well down on my property.

You're drawing my water.

- What? Why, Mr. Kimber.. - No, we ain't.

That well is on our property.

Don't tell me. Look at your deed.

Your property ends at the brook.

Why don't you look at your deed first

instead of having a man dig wells wherever he wants to.

Well, look, Mr. Prescott, can't this be adjusted?

We've been trying to get water ever since we bought the place.

Even though our well is on your property

couldn't you allow us to use it?

Mr. Fuller, this well has tapped my spring.

You are taking my water.

I just tried to fill my bathtub

and nothing came out of the faucet.

There's no water anywhere in the house. Is that clear to you?

No wonder we got 40 gallons a minute.

Well, Mr. Fuller, do you plug it up

or do I have my men do it and send you the bill?

You'd better plug it up, Mr. Kimber.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you very much. Good day.

There's a spot right over there

that looks pretty good, Mr. Fuller.

I'll start drilling there tomorrow.

Thank you, Mr. Kimber.

The lights, they just blew out!

Well, I finally found a name for this place

"Wuthering Heights".

Got my hands full, Sam. Tip you tomorrow.

Same thing every day.

It would be wonderful, Jeff, if you found it.

We could surprise Bill. Oh, there he is now.

Bill, you know Jeff Douglas, don't you?

- How are you, Mr. Fuller? - Warm.

I just dropped down to the station to send a wire,

and ran into your wife.

What's the matter, business slow at the antique shop?

Well, it never was exactly booming.

I see you're going in for a back-to-the-land movement.

If I had my way, all this paraphernalia

would go back to the hardware store.

- Can I give you a lift? - No thanks, I'll manage.

Well, see you again.

I'll, uh, look into that matter, Connie, and call you.

Thank you, Jeff.

'Let me help you, Bill.'

What's he gonna call you about?

Oh, something about the house.

Hmm.

Bill, you know my brother's little boy, Raymond.

Know him? He bit his initials into my leg, didn't he?

Well, Raymond's come to live with us.

What? Now, Connie, I won't have that brat in the house.

I'd rather be handcuffed to Gargantuan.

But he's my brother's child, Bill,

and it's just until the divorce is over.

The only thing holding it up is custody of Raymond.

You mean, neither one of the parents will take him?

As if our life isn't complicated enough with everything.

With what, darling?

If you must know, with money.

We've put a lot into that house.

I know, darling.

It ought to stop pretty soon.

I never speak to you about those things, Connie.

You take care of the finances and it suits me.

It just seems like we've been pouring...

Honey, get out, it's gonna explode!

Ha ha ha ha!

Raymond? Did you do that?

It doesn't hurt the car any.

You see, you just attach these wires to the spark plugs.

Raymond, you're gonna live with us for awhile

and we might as well have an understanding.

- Now, I'm an easygoing person. - Oh, yeah? So am I.

The last time you stole my golf clubs

pawned them and then sold me the ticket.

Why, Uncle Bill, how can you call

your own little nephew a thief?

If anything like that happens again

I'm gonna murder you in your bed some night, so help me.

You know, I nearly killed papa once.

They stopped me just in time. I was only a kid then.

Shoulda put you in an electric high chair.

Sit down, you rat.

Howdy, Mr. Fuller.

Mr. Kimber, I don't want to seem peevish

but isn't 8 hours a day enough for that well drill?

The more I drill, the closer we get to water.

Well, will you please stop for awhile?

Alright, but that water ain't looking for us

we're looking for the water.

Look, Uncle Bill, I'm Tarzan, the ape man.

♪ Look at me, I'm up in a tree ♪

That's where you belong, you little skunk.

Mr. Kimber!

I ain't drilling.

Mr. Kimber, I have been begging you since July 1st

to fix this screen.

It's now the end of August. You're not that busy.

Mr. Fuller, every time you open the screen door

some flies get in.

Oh, so it's my fault for coming into the house?

Well, it would be better if you didn't.

I see.

Well, I'll take a look at the screen.

Yes, look at it and watch the flies go in.

- Hello, Bill. - Hello.

Hiya, sis. Mind if I use the car?

Okay, but there's some garden things in the back.

Madge, where are you going? Dinner's in a half hour.

Oh, I'll be right back.

Where do you go all the time? What are you so busy about?

Haven't you heard? I'm going to be an actress.

Clayton's letting me do a bit in the play he's doing.

- Clayton? - Clayton Evans.

Oh, he's just the most charming person.

He has such a lovely smile.

- Well, darling, I'll be right back. - Alright.

Oh, Mrs. Fuller!

Forgot to give you this telegram.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kimber.

Only a telegram, Mr. Kimber?

No locusts, no worms, no beetles?

No, sir. Termites.

Doing a lot of damage in the barn.

When they're headed this way, let me know.

I want to hide my tennis racket.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Bill?

Guess what?

Uncle Stanley's coming out.

Well, this place is beginning to look a little..

What did you say?

Uncle Stanley's coming out.

When?

Tonight, just for the weekend.

Don't tell me you asked him--

I didn't ask him, Bill.

He's on his way to Ed and Julia's

and this is the only weekend he has.

Well, that's just ducky.

Now, darling, it's only for a couple of days.

Oh, sure, just for the weekend, that's all.

The old windbag.

It won't be so bad, Bill.

Uncle Stanley goes to bed very early.

All I can say is if we ever get that money

we certainly earned it.

For 5 years now, "Take my chair, Uncle Stanley.

"You'll be more comfortable.

"Here's the white meat for you, Uncle Stanley.

"Oh, Connie, look what Uncle Stanley brought you

"a whole package of chewing gum.

Say thank you to Uncle Stanley."

We've gone this far, Bill.

It won't hurt to be nice a little longer.

That tight old buzzard. No wonder he's got all that money.

Do you realize he's never given us as much as a handkerchief?

Just those corny pictures of himself every Christmas.

Boy, am I gonna have a bonfire when he goes!

Ah, hello, Mr. Kimber. Come right in.

Bring your termites.

Afraid that new well's no good, Mrs. Fuller.

Just struck the cemetery.

The cemetery?

Any one we know?

Well, try another spot, Mr. Kimber.

There must be water somewhere.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, uh, we need more gravel.

Gravel? I thought we had enough to last 2 years.

Yep but I guess we figured kind of wrong.

Shall I get another load?

Well, I-I suppose so, if we really need it.

Getting pretty low on fertilizer.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

Mrs. Fuller's uncle is coming out today.

He knows about everything.

'Yes, sir.'

- Mr. Kimber? - Yes, ma'am?

We don't really need that gravel do we?

Well, we oughta have it.

Only $45, and you know how chickens like to scratch.

Well, you see, Mr. Kimber

everything is costing so much more than I figured.

What I mean is, I'm a little short of ready cash right now.

Connie, I wish Hester would strain the water.

I just found a family of tadpoles in my lemonade.

Oh, Mrs. Fuller, this is 1942, you know.

Well, what about it, Mr. Kimber?

This is the year for the 17-year locust to arrive.

Seventeen-year locusts.

If you ask me, they're coming to see Mr. Kimber.

He looks like one.

It's Uncle Stanley. Where are the pictures, Bill?

We didn't put the pictures out.

Well, here we go again, boys.

Hurry up, Bill, he's getting out of the car.

Hello, Uncle Stanley, hello.

Hello, you old buzzard.

'Constance, dear, how are you?'

Let me help you.

Alright, take the little one.

My goodness, are we glad to see you.

Well, well, if it isn't Uncle Stanley.

Hello there, Bill.

Hello, Uncle Stanley, glad you could come.

Uncle Stanley, you look wonderful.

- Doesn't he look wonderful, Bill? - Never saw anyone look healthier.

Come on over here, Uncle Stanley sit in this nice easy chair.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Constance, thank you.

Ah..

Where's that little package I brought?

Is this what you mean, Uncle Stanley?

That's it. Bring it over here, will you, Bill?

- There you are. - Thank you.

Just a little something for the house with my compliments.

Oh, Uncle Stanley, you shouldn't have.

Oh, isn't that sweet of you?

Look, Bill, a picture of Uncle Stanley.

Well, what do you know about that.

Thanks, Uncle Stanley. I know just where to put it.

Right over here.

It's alright, Bill. Where's Madge?

Oh, she didn't know you were coming, Uncle Stanley.

That's why she isn't here but she'll be right back.

Is there a window open? I feel a draft.

Oh, it's the door, Bill.

Oh, yes, you mustn't catch cold, Uncle Stanley.

Well, Uncle Stanley, what do you think of it?

- Think of what? - The house.

Why, it's a very nice little place.

Very nice.

Did you fix this all up yourself?

- Mm-hmm. - She sure did.

You should have seen it when we first moved in.

You know, Connie performed an absolute miracle.

Seems to me, these chairs would look better

if they were angled into the room a bit.

- So. - Oh, like this?

Yes, don't you think that's a better arrangement?

Oh, what an eye you have, Uncle Stanley.

Look, Bill, it changes the whole appearance of the room.

Uncle Stanley, you sure have an eye.

Well, sometimes you just happen to see things.

I remember when I was a little shaver.

We were living in Pittsburgh then just before we moved to Akron.

Mother used to take me out shopping with her.

'I was just a little shaver then'

'couldn't have been more than 6 or 7'

and I'd never been in a department store before.

On this particular day, mother took me

to one of the biggest department stores in Pittsburgh.

We went up to the rug department--

- Linoleum. - That's right.

Say, have I told you this story before?

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, I was just a little shaver, maybe 8 or 9.

Six or seven..

That's right. Well, I said..

The waiter spilled soup on mother's dress.

Of course, she was furious. So I left the table

and marched right up to the doorman.

- The cashier. - That's right. The cashier.

I couldn't have been more than 10 or 12

at the time and mother was watching me

wondering what her little man was going to do.

She was as proud as a peacock.

So I said.. I couldn't have been more than 10 or 12..

Raymond..

Boy, if you didn't have money

would you have trouble with those stories.

Raymond!

If this was my house

I'd give that boy a chastising he'd never forget.

It's for you, Mrs. Fuller, a Mr. Douglas.

Oh, yes. Excuse me.

'Hello? Oh, yes, Jeff.'

Uh-huh.

Hmm-hmm, I see.

I'll have Mr. Kimber drive me in.

Bill, you don't mind if I run into town for a little while?

- No, no, why should I mind? - I'll be back soon.

I have to look into something about the house.

About the house, hmm?

Hester can go as soon as she finishes the dishes

and be sure to see that Ramy is fed.

What time do you want me to turn off Uncle Stanley?

Oh, silly.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Another man, so soon?

Why, Uncle Bill.

- Thanks, Jeff, you've been swell. - Not at all. I wish I could do more.

- 'Goodnight.' - 'Good night, Connie.'

Here, Ramy.

Shush, quiet, you'll wake up the whole house.

Oh, hello, dear. Are you still up?

Yes, I'm still up. Do you mind?

No, only it's 12:30.

You might remind Mr. Douglas of that

the next time he takes you home.

Darling, you've been sitting here brooding, haven't you?

I, brooding? Ha ha ha ha.

And no, Connie, I'm not the brooding type.

Jealousy is not in my makeup.

I always say, if another man comes into the picture

it's better to bow out gracefully.

What on earth are you talking about?

Don't pretend, Connie.

Let's not make everything that was beautiful between us

a hollow mockery.

You're in love with Jeff Douglas.

I am not in love with Jeff Douglas.

- He called you "Connie". - That's my name, isn't it?

Well, what were you doing sneaking into town with him?

I didn't sneak into town. We had some business together.

Tell him you're mywife.

I don't go for that lend-lease stuff.

Now, Bill, you're just being silly.

Silly, am I?

Didn't I see the way he held your hand?

Didn't I see the way he looked at you?

All he did was say goodnight.

It took from 8:00 to 12:30 to say goodnight?

Jeff Douglas is just a good friend.

If you knew how good, you wouldn't think things.

No, of course not.

Maybe I oughta telephone him and thank him for everything he did.

Maybe I oughta send him a medal for breaking up a happy home.

While I'm slaving at the office

that junk dealer's making time with my wife.

'Quiet in there, I'm trying to sleep.'

Now you see? You awakened Uncle Stanley.

Good, I'll go inside and kick him.

Bill Fuller, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Iought to be ashamed of myself? Ioughta be ashamed?

'Quiet! This is disgraceful.'

- Oh, go bag your ears. - 'What's that?'

Nothing, Uncle Stanley. He was talking to me.

- I was not talking to you. - He was, Uncle Stanley.

Alright, I was.

I'm gonna have a whole lot more to say in the morning.

I'm not through with this Jeff Douglas matter.

Bill, where are you going?

I'm going outside to sleep in the barn.

Bill..

Water, water, water, water.

Water, water, water.

Water.

Raymond, I told you to stop that.

I'm only throwing a ball.

Well, it's most annoying, and Uncle Bill doesn't feel very well.

He would have to fall downstairs and mess up everybody's Sunday.

Mr. Kimber, must you cut the grass right now?

It seems to me, you're always cutting the grass.

Well, I gotta cut it sometime.

Well, don't do it now, please.

Alright, but it'll just keep on growing.

- Morning, Bill. - Morning.

These stairs aren't very wide, are they?

Hello, Mr. Fuller. How's your head this morning?

It's still there.

- Can I fix you some breakfast, Bill? - No, thanks, I'll fix it myself.

You know, you're being very pig-headed, Bill.

- Am I? - Yes, you are.

Well, maybe I am.

When my wife comes home at 12:30 with a strange man

I generally like to know what it's all about.

'Oh, go on, you big blimp.'

'I didn't touch your car.'

- 'I never laid a hand on it.' - 'Stop that noise.'

'Stop it, I tell you. I'm taking a rest.'

'Oh, who the heck cares?'

Should I fix you some breakfast?

No, don't bother. I have no appetite anyway.

Bill, sometimes you make me so mad I could scream.

No need to scream, Connie. We're intelligent people.

You're in love with--

I'm not in love with Jeff Douglas.

Now, what were you doing till 12:30?

We were looking at some maps.

Oh, maps, hmm? Well, there's a switch.

I remember when they called it etchings.

Oh, Connie, don't cry.

- I understand. - You don't understand anything.

- I do. - It's this house.

This house is responsible for everything.

I wish I'd never seen it and I wish I'd never bought it.

It's given us nothing but trouble.

Mrs. Fuller, Mr. Douglas is here to see you.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, eh?

Well, I've got a few things to say to him.

Bill..

Mr. Douglas, what have you got to say for yourself?

I've got a surprise for you. Look.

It's the map!

Oh, Jeff.

Oh, Bill, this is it.

This is the map we were looking for.

What map?

It's the original deed to your property.

I knew I'd seen it somewhere. And you know what it shows?

It shows that your property

goes 64 and a half feet into Prescott's place.

I'm so excited I could cry.

We own the road, the well, and everything.

This is what Jeff and I were looking for, Bill.

'We wanted to surprise you.'

Well, I, uh, this is kind of a surprise.

Oh, boy, won't old Prescott turn purple

when we flash this on him.

Let's go tell him now. Right now.

You'll forgive us, won't you Jeff? We'll be right back.

Surely.

Oh, I believe I owe you an apology, Mr. Douglas.

You see, I thought, uh..

Well, I thought you were getting kind of fond of my wife.

Well, I am kind of fond of your wife.

Oh.

Well, she's a great girl, alright, a great girl.

This map, Mr. Prescott, is the original deed to our house.

Uh-huh.

It shows that our line goes 64 and 1/2 feet into your place.

- I see. - And in the meantime..

...we'll thank you not to use our road.

But it may interest you to know that your property

is being foreclosed on Tuesday.

Foreclosed?

At 12:00 Tuesday morning, Mrs. Fuller

I'm buying your place and that's the important thing.

You may have an old deed, but you haven't got $5,000.

Connie, I'd like to have a talk with you.

Yes, dear.

Why didn't you tell me about this letter from the bank?

I didn't want to bother you, Bill.

Bother me! It's just a letter of foreclosure, that's all.

We seem to have paid for everything conceivable

except the house.

I paid part of it.

That'll be a very convincing argument when the sheriff comes.

I know, Bill.. Your insurance policies..

We could borrow on them.

We could, if I hadn't already.

They helped pay for the gravel, the grass

most of the fertilizer, and all of the dirt.

I'm sorry, Bill.

Now, now, that's alright, Connie.

It's just a shock finding out that you're broke, that's all.

You should have told me you were having trouble.

I would have understood.

Well, I'm the one that got us in to this

and I know how you feel about the house.

That the yellow-breasted barn swallow?

Uh-huh.

You know something, Connie?

I was beginning to like this place, too.

Were you, Bill? Were you really?

In spite of Benedict Arnold.

Funny thing how four walls and a roof

can get under your skin.

Tuesday..

Day after tomorrow..

Five thousand dollars..

It doesn't sound like so much.

It's plenty when you haven't got it.

Uncle Stanley.

Um, Uncle Stanley?

Yes, Bill?

You know, about 3 years ago, Uncle Stanley

there was a fella that worked in our office and he had an aunt

that was going to leave him a lot of money, and it seems

that this fella got into some kind of trouble

and he finally had to go to his aunt

and ask her to give him some.

She was a darn fool if she did.

Oh.

Uncle Stanley, we're going to lose this house

if we don't get $5,000 by tomorrow.

Will you give it to us?

Five thousand dollars!

It's all my fault, not Bill's.

But this can't mean very much to you and it means an lot to us.

This is quite a shock to me, Constance.

I'm surprised at you. You're the first one

in the family that's ever asked me for money.

And since you've done this thing without consulting me

as a lesson to you, I've got to say no.

Uncle Stanley, I won't let you say no.

That money would mean more to me now

if we could keep this house

than anything you might leave me afterwards.

I think if you won't do this for me, why..

Please say yes, Uncle Stanley

it means everything to me.

Bill... Constance..

I'm going to tell you something.

I haven't got a plugged nickel, not a cent.

What?

What do you mean, Uncle Stanley?

I haven't got a cent.

Went broke in 1929.. Flat broke.

- You're-you're joking. - No, I'm not.

I can't get it. You're our rich uncle

you always have been.

The factory in Pittsburgh, your offices

Stanley J. Menninger and Company.

We sent all your letters there.

I get $100 a month for the use of my name

and they send my mail on wherever I am. That's all.

Now you won't say anything about this, will you?

To Ed and Julia and the others?

Why did you keep fooling people all these years?

Well, Bill, I'll tell you.

When I walked out of that broker's office that day

I didn't have a cent, so I said to myself

"Stanley, you know you're going to be

"for the rest of your life? You're going to be..

"...a poor relation. No more white meat

"no more comfortable chairs, no more coronas."

And I didn't like it a bit.

So I said to myself

"Look, if you can keep them thinking you're rich

"why, you can have a wonderful life..

"Winters in Florida, Spring in California,

Summers in Maine with the rest of my nieces and nephews."

You know, I was glad when you bought this place.

It sort of, filled in some open time for me.

Now, wouldn't I have been a fool to give all that up?

That's the dirtiest trick I ever heard of in my life.

Look at it the other way.

Look at all the happiness I've given you

thinking about that money you thought you were going to get.

Meanwhile, it hasn't done anybody any harm

and I've had one whale of a time.

Now, is that so terrible, Bill?

Well, that's that.

Look, Mrs. Fuller, I have to get back to town.

You don't mind if I leave before dinner, do you?

Why, Steve? Is anything wrong?

Oh no, there's nothing wrong.

Your sister and that ham act are running away together.

Running away?

But Madge was with you.

We had a fight. I wasn't gonna tell you

but I thought you ought to know because he's a married man

and she isn't even 17.

- Where are they now? - At the theater.

And they're leavin' after the show.

They're gonna stop at a place called the Colonial Inn.

It's right across the Delaware.

Oh, Bill, what'll we do?

Do? I know how to handle this.

Come on, we're gonna cross the Delaware, too.

They're probably backstage packing.

You wait here.

You're sure now that you want to take this step?

It'll mean giving up things you're accustomed to.

Darling, all I know is that I love you, madly, desperately.

Bill?

Alright, Madge, get outside.

I'll take care of this.

Will you kindly leave the stage?

Afternoon, Mr. Fuller.

Hello, Mr. Kimber.

Say, you haven't got $5,000, have you?

No, sir, but I've got some good news.

We just struck quicklime. There's an old saying

"Where there's quicklime, there's water."

You don't have to worry about the water anymore.

We're leaving tomorrow.

Mr. Fuller?

Mr. Fuller, Mr. Fuller?

Yes?

Just dug this up out of the well. Looks like an old boot.

Thanks, Mr. Kimber.

There's nothing I wanted more right now

than an old boot.

It's yours, by rights.

Maybe I'll find the other one soon.

You will let me know, won't you?

Oh, uh, Mr. Fuller?

I feel real bad about things, your losing the house.

Real bad. What's you going to do with everything?

You got enough gravel for 2 years now

and plenty of fertilizer, too, what'll we do?

Oh, just mix them together, Mr. Kimber.

You might get something very interesting.

Yes, sir.

Tried the bank, tried the insurance company

I even tried to get it from my boss.

He wouldn't do it?

He said if I managed to borrow it

to let him know where. He was interested himself.

What's that?

Oh, this is a farewell gift from Mr. Kimber.

He found it in the well.

Well, Prescott wins. We get thrown out tomorrow.

Where's everybody? Where's Madge?

Upstairs. She feels pretty bad about yesterday.

Steve told her off and walked out.

Get outta here, you bad boy.

Take it easy. Your pie ain't so hot anyway.

Hello, Uncle Bill.

Well, Huckleberry Dillinger.

Mr. Kimber told me to give you this.

It's apple cider. He made himself.

Thank you. What was all the rumpus?

Raymond was trying to steal it.

Could I fix you some lunch, Mr. Fuller?

No, thank you.

There's some iced tea on the table.

Thank you, Hester.

I suppose we'll have to give Hester her notice.

I suppose so.

I don't know about you

but I'm going to have a drink of this cider.

Make it two.

I guess those measuring worms will be sorry to see us go.

They just love that spray we bought for 'em.

We could give the cow to Mr. Kimber.

I don't see how we could use it.

No, it'll be kind of cramped in a 2-room flat.

Say, I just had an idea about how to save this place for you.

Forget it, Uncle Stanley. Have a drink.

Give Uncle Stanley a big glass, Bill.

There you are, Uncle Stanley, homemade cider.

Thanks.

Bill?

I want you and Constance to know

that I'm very sorry I didn't have that money to give you.

Very sorry, indeed.

Don't give it a thought. It doesn't matter now.

Too bad, just the same. Say, here's an idea.

Now, Ed and Julia still think I've got lots of money.

Why don't you sell them your share of what they think I'm going to leave?

You'll not only get the $5,000 to save the house

but maybe make a little bit on the side.

We could split it 3 ways.

'Darn good business proposition, Bill.'

You know, in a way, Uncle Stanley

you're just Raymond, grown up.

Well it's an idea, anyway.

You know, Bill, this cider makes me feel better.

Well, drink up, there's plenty of it.

Bill, we ought to invite Mr. Kimber in.

After all, it's his cider.

Well, sure.

Hey, Mr. Kimber?

Mr. Hi-ho Kimber.

Yes, sir, Mr. Fuller?

Oh, hello, Kimby. Come on and have a drink

then we'll all go out and dig a well.

Why don't you bring the Japanese beetles with you?

And the measuring worm and the Oak bore..

- And the 17-year locusts. - Yeah.

Well, things come, things go.

Here you are, Kimby.

Is it alright with you, Mrs. Fuller?

Why not?

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up.

- How do you feel, Connie? - I feel fine.

I was just thinking, maybe this is why people drink they feel better.

You got something there.

Say, I just got another idea

about how to save this place.

Ah, forget it, Uncle Stanley. Have some more cider.

You've got the right idea.

This is what pulled me through in 1929.

Say, Uncle Stanley, how much money didn't you have

when you had it?

I was rolling in it.

Well, here's to Uncle Stanley. I don't know why.

Well, I was a good fella when I had it.

Oh, there's Raymond, Bill.

What're we going to do about Raymond when we go?

Let's not say a word to him.

We'll just move out and leave him here.

Skoal.

Skoal!

I could just see Ed and Julia

when they find out about you.

- Don't tell 'em. - I won't

- And Al and Mabel. - And George and Harriet.

Kowtowing for the next 20 years. All of 'em.

That's very generous of you, Bill.

Very generous of both of you.

I've always said that you're my favorite niece and nephew.

Forget that, Uncle Stanley, just relax.

Yeah, Winters in Florida, Spring in California

Summers in Maine.

Giving them that little shaver all the time.

Pour it on, Uncle Stanley, pour it on.

I feel a draft, Bill.

Keep right on feeling it, Uncle Stanley.

♪ I'll never smile again ♪

♪ Until I smile at you ♪

♪ I'll never smile again ♪

♪ Until I smile at you ♪

Show Mr. Kimber one of your cards, Uncle Stanley.

Stanley J. Menninger & Company, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

- Not really. - Oh, go ahead. Show it.

They don't really mean anything.

There you are, Mr. Kimber. Look, engraved and everything.

Should say "Biggest liar since 1929" on it.

Well, it certainly is wonderful.

We worked like dogs around here

and then Prescott gets the whole thing.

That's the way it goes.

If we can't make the second payment, we lose the property.

It shall revert to the owners in its original condition.

In its original condition, when Prescott gets it, eh?

Well, why not revert it to its original condition?

What?

Leave the place just as it was when you walked in here.

- Hey, that's a terrific idea! - Whoopee!

Run out and bring in that plow

and a couple of oil cans.

- Yes, sir. - I'll help you, Bill.

I'll help you.

♪ I'll never ♪♪ Smile again ♪

♪ Unless I smile at you ♪

I can't let you do it, Bill.

I can't let you harm something

that means as much to me as this house does.

It's like disfiguring someone you love very much.

Oh, Bill.

I want to have a talk with you.

I'm listening.

You know your Aunt Constance and Uncle Bill

are going to lose their house.

I heard about it.

I have an idea how to help them, and I need your assistance.

What's in it for me?

How about $5.00?

Ten, in cash.

Oh, alright, 10.

Now, listen, I want you to get Prescott over here.

Do you think you can do something to make him chase you?

Do I think? That's a cinch.

Where's the 10?

When the job is over I'll pay you.

Now run along and bring back Prescott

but give me time to get a taxi from town.

Okay, here Ramy, here, Ramy.

Oh, Hester..

♪ You're in the army now ♪

♪ You're not behind a plow ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

Why you little monster, you.

Hello, Jeff.

Hello, Connie.

Have a drink.

Thanks. I heard the bad news.

I wish there was something I could do.

Where are you going to live?

Under a newspaper in Central Park.

Look us up.

Got a whole wheelbarrow full of fertilizer out front.

Where do you want these?

'Oh, put 'em anywhere.'

Anything else, Mr. Fuller?

You want me to bring in the gravel?

No, thanks, we've changed our mind.

Well, better luck next time.

He's right behind me!

Mr. Fuller? I still don't have your respect.

That boy threw mud in my face.

Why, Raymond..

If you weren't for the fact that you're leaving tomorrow

I'd have turned the dogs loose.

But I'm warning you--

Now, just a minute, Mr. Prescott.

Until tomorrow, this property is ours.

I'll thank you to get off.

It'll be a pleasure.

My lawyer's seems to have been careless about boundary lines

but fortunately, it won't matter after tonight.

'Hello, there.'

Where is everybody?

Constance, Bill? It's your Uncle Stanley.

Surprise, surprise, a visit from your old Uncle Stanley.

'Well, what's going on here?'

Constance, anything wrong?

Bill, don't tell me I'm late.

I brought the check with me.

- The check? - Yes.

The $5,000 You telephoned me about.

'Thought I'd fly on with it and surprise you.'

Oh, oh, yes.

I beg pardon, I don't think I've met this gentleman.

Oh, this is Mr. Prescott.

My uncle, Stanley J. Menninger of the

Menninger Ball Bearing Works, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

- My card. - Thank you, Uncle Stanley.

Well, Mr. Prescott, it seems that the property

will still be ours so will your well and your road.

You see, Uncle Stanley, we've been having a little dispute..

- ...about boundaries. - Boundaries?

Well, if it's a legal matter

I'll have my staff of lawyers come on.

Look here, Mr. Menninger, I don't think we need any lawyers.

'Uh, I think this can all be adjusted'

'in a neighborly fashion.'

Suppose, uh, why don't you and Mr. Menninger

run over and see me this afternoon?

How about the dough?

Well, that's up to my niece and nephew, Mr. Prescott.

Under the circumstances, Bill

the best thing for me to do is to just

let you and Constance give that $5,000

and handle this your own way.

Thank you, Uncle Stanley. We won't forget--

Either I get that money or I'll--

What's the matter? What happened?

Guess he must have fainted.

Oh, dear, another one of his fainting spells.

Jeff, help me carry him to the kitchen

and give him some water.

You gentlemen go right ahead, he'll be alright.

He's such a sensitive boy, this often happens.

Be very careful, Jeff.

Good work.

'As far as your indebtedness to the bank is concerned'

'don't bother Mr. Menninger for his check.'

I'll be happy to lend it to you.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Fuller, if you need water

I'll have my caretaker run a pipe

from the well you drilled. Will that be alright?

Will that be alright, Bill?

Well, I, uh, I don't know.

Well, I'm back.

Mr. Menninger? I went to 5 different pawn shops

trying to hock all that stuff you gave me

and the best I could get was $184.

Pay no attention to her, Mr. Prescott.

Here's the money. I couldn't get a dime for your cufflinks

fella said they was phony.

So, Mr. Menninger of the Menninger Ball Bearing Works

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,

is reduced to pawning cufflinks.

Why, Uncle Stanley..

Well, it was an idea. It almost worked

I thought I might raise a few pennies for you kids.

Well, possibly it won't be so funny after tomorrow.

I'm going to see that my dogs escort you all off this place.

- Personally.. - And that's that.

'You people have been causing trouble..'

Ramy, get away from that boot.

'And I won't be bothered with you after tonight.'

'And just remember this'

'Twelve O' clock tomorrow, is your deadline.'

If you're here one second beyond that--

Say, this is funny.

'What is it?'

An old letter. Ramy just took it out of that boot.

An old letter? Who's it addressed to?

Nobody. It just says

"Notes on a speech to the armed forces."

"The armed forces.

- Say, that must be-- - What does it say? Read it.

"Gentlemen, we are facing a time of peril

"so grave in our brief national history

"that there is now only the choice

"of serving the country a little longer

"or having tomorrow, no country to serve.

"Under the favor of Almighty God

"we have become a nation.

"let me say to you that I hate war

"but if we remain one nation, one people

"that time is not far distant

"when we may choose war or peace

"as our national interest

"guided by justice.

"In the words of Tom Paine

"'These are the times that try men's souls.'

"Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered.

"Yet we have this consolation with us..

"That the harder the conflict

"the more glorious the triumph.

"'Tis dearness alone that gives everything its value

"and it would be strange indeed

"if so celestial an article as freedom

"should not be highly rated.

"George Washington.

November 10, 1777."

Bill, this means Washington really slept here.

Slept here? It means a whole lot more than that.

This document is priceless.

You know anyone who'd give $5,000 for it?

Ten times that.

I know half a dozen people who'd buy it in 2 minutes.

Isn't that true, Mr. Prescott?

Well, if Mr. Menninger didn't write the letter

and pay the dog to dig it up on queue

I'll buy it myself. Good afternoon.

Watch out for that wheelbarrow, Mr. Prescott.

Uh-oh. All over him.

What?

Mr. Fuller, Mrs. Fuller, they're here.

Who's here?

The 17-year locusts, millions of 'em.

Great heavens, close the doors.

Jeff, help me with the windows.

Better lock the barn door, Mr. Fuller,

the cow's inside.

Three months ahead of schedule.

What do you know about that?

Ramy, Ramy, come back here.

Ramy, come back here.

Want the locusts to get you?

Here they are now, Mr. Fuller.

Bill, darling. Are you alright?

Oh, fine, fine.

Well, at least nothing can happen for another 17 years.

Mr. And Mrs. Fuller struck water.

Whoopee!