Original subtitles

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE GETS LOUDER)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Right, gum.

Honestly, I can't even take a piss without an entourage these days.

-Have you got her? -Yeah, I'm travelling her now.

Travelling herself. It's her own show, tell them that.

Yeah, well, they're talking at the moment.

This is Janice.

-You to start with. -Lights up on the pond life.

Ken, full state please, thank you.

Janice has told us that the man she's been living with, Gary,

she doesn't think that he's the father of her child.

-You'll be a local hero back home, hey? -Huh?

Mates seeing you on the telly?

Can you give me three people who are responding in any way, shape or form?

Okay, DFI, camera four.

My God! Are you still pregnant? How long's that been going on?

Do the V thing, do the... do the...

Do the V thing! Energy, energy, energy!

Come on, arms up.

-Oh! Fantastic! -Let me speak to Helena.

-Just ask me if you need anything. -I'm alright.

This is what we call the intelligent applause.

Helena, Vivienne wants to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Speak in that other thing there. -Don't listen.

-Er, I won't. -Are the Americans in?

Yeah, yeah, babe, two execs from Fox are in.

Whoop it up, lovely.

Have you been eating cheese and onion crisps?

-It's revolting. -No.

Very enthusiastic, yes!

Americans don't like fringes, don't like hair in the face.

It keeps going in my mouth, I keep eating my own face.

Listen everybody, listen! We're just about to go.

Okay, Viv will be back with us now in just one second.

You look after this. Don't let me go home without giving it back.

-Okay. It's important. -Got it. It's very important.

Okay, we're ready to run up.

All right, dominatrix. Exhale Tricia.

-Good luck, studio. -Inhale Robinson. Gum, gum!

3, 2, 1.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

Sparkle!

Welcome back to the Vivienne Vyle Show.

You're watching, I'm Vivienne Vyle. Before the break we met Janice.

She's come on to tell the man she's been living with for 3 years,

her partner Gary, he's not the father of her son. Meet Janice.

(APPLAUSE)

Okay, before I get Gary out onto the show...

Oh, she's turning on the waterworks.

Seen that one before.

Can we have the tissues please, Chris? Carol?

Here come the tissues.

Vivienne, right, to all intents and purposes,

how come his sister, yeah, she come down Tesco's that time.

What you've got to understand, this is about my baby, right?

My baby needs to know the truth and the truth is that that man

is not the father of my child. Gary, is not the father of my...

She's trying to take your son away from you.

If you ain't the father, who is the fucking father. I want to know?

Fucking slag, mate, she is!

-She is a fucking slag! -Well, tell her, mate! Do something about it.

What's that all about, my darling?

-Yeah, but... -I asked you a question.

I think you've had enough time to tell your side of the story,

-I think we should get Gary out here. -You'll be fine.

Let's get Gary onto the Vivienne Vyle show. Gary!

Straight fingers, yeah? Straight fingers, go on son!

(CHEERS AND BOOING)

You slut! You fucking slut!

You wasn't there for me, Gary. You wasn't there!

What?! Straight fingers, straight fingers! Tosser.

-Fucking forget it! I fucking... -All right, sit down, Gary.

-Fuck off! -Are you finished?

-Sorry, Vivienne. -Do you want to sit down?

You're on the Vivienne Vyle Show, take your hands out of your pockets.

I know you're angry, we all know why you're angry, Gary.

You got something you want to say to Janice?

-He's my fucking son! -He isn't!

-Yes, he is... -He fucking isn't.

You know, I'm fed up of these two.

I'm going to stop this right now because in this envelope

I've got the results of the DNA test that you took, Gary.

Let me tell you... The information I've got on this card

-confirms you are not the father... -Yes!

...of Janice's son.

There's no DNA match, Gary. That's a shock result.

Hmm? What a couple, hey? How does that make you feel, Gary?

You take that look off your face.

That's gotta hurt, hasn't it?

That little boy that you call your son is not your son,

she slept with someone else.

He's been calling you Daddy, you're not his Daddy.

What's going through your head, Gary? Huh?

What's going...?

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING FASTER)

(PHONE RINGING)

(HIGHER RINGING)

-Oh. -Sorry! I was trying to change the tone on my phone.

Oh...

Ow. Ow!

-You smell nice. -It's yours Dior.

No, it might not be, it might be Dolce.

Doesn't matter.

-Can you get this up? -Oh, you want up?

-All right. -Two foot, that's it.

Oh, I take it I don't look much better.

Dale called, said now would be the time to have the facelift.

I said I thought a huge arse-crack had done the job.

-Can I have a mirror? -No, I don't think you're ready.

Yes.

I touched you up a bit while you were asleep,

just a little Touche Eclat, cover the bruising.

-I look like a bloody mortician. -You're all over the television.

-Oh! -They're all talking about you out there.

I've just seen Vivienne.

She thanks all her fans and...

"...friends for their kind thoughts and messages,

"for all the flowers and the very small guests

"and she is now being comforted by her partner, Jarhead... Jared! Jared."

Thank you, that's the end of the statement.

If anyone wants to ask questions about the show...

-When will she return? -Will Vivienne sue the man who sat on her face?

As soon as possible.

We're not aware of, actually of any man actually having sat on her face.

-Are you in pain? -Of course I'm in pain! I'm crushed, I've been crushed.

The Americans were in, Jared. The Americans were in.

-Oh, shit! -What? What? What?

You know the letter they sent from the sperm bank?

I gave it to...some girl, some little girl.

Damn. But they want to know, you know, normal thing.

Do we keep them frozen or do we want to defrost?

Why are we discussing this again?

I mean, I've always said we should sell it to needy lesbians on eBay.

There's no time limit on this anyway.

This is my dead husband's sperm, it's not a cheesecake from Iceland.

The sperm can stay frozen as long as they like, it's me that's got

the best-before stamped on her packaging now.

Yes, but you put that inside you, what are you going to get out? Mr Frosties?

Little ice cubes? Slush Puppies?

Now stop talking now, your face won't heal up.

It really scared me what happened, you know, Jared. It really scared me.

Made me think about my life, what's important and what's missing.

-You made The Standard. -Oh, what?

For being punched and sat on? Great! What does it say?

"Ex-weather girl, now talk show host tries to boost flagging ratings".

Weather girl. Why? It was 1986 and you only lasted three weeks.

I couldn't point at a cloud without poking my own eye out.

-Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Vivvy. -Huh?

Let me cheer you up.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMING FEMALE SINGER)

Everything all right in here?

Hello!

-I'm sorry, is it too loud? -Are you all right?

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Dr Fowler, I'm the Consultant Clinical Psychologist.

-They've come to take you away, love. -Tell him to fuck off!

-What? -She's fine.

I want to have a baby!

'I know! I know!'

The best bit... Yeah... where he sits on her face, yeah!

Okay, bye!

Any chance of a coffee?

What?

She's fine!

Oh, and Fern's agreed to stand in until Viv gets back, yeah?

Poor sod!

It's his birthday coming up soon, what am I going to do then?

-Has anyone said anything to you? -What do you mean?

-I'm surprised no-one's gone. -No-one seems to care.

I think we all know who it'll be.

-Yeah, me! -No.

Excuse me, Helena. Maria dropped this off.

Yeah, can you take it for a walk? I need about half an hour.

Er, so what, just the pram then?

Fuck. Just wait.

What's my home number?

Maria, donde es el bebe?

Is that the way you say it in Spanish?

Where's the fucking baby? Maria!

Maria! Donde es el bebe?

Okay, hola, hola, bye.

She's with Maria's sister.

So I don't need you.

What's your name?

Er...Abigail Wilson.

-Were you side-stage after the break with Viv? -Yeah, yeah.

Naomi. Get Abigail her P45.

Hey. Straight fingers, go girl!

Oh, shut up!

I spoke to Jared. I think you're insane.

Someone's got the baby, so I'm here.

-What baby? -My baby.

-Everyone's talking about it. -What?

-Darling, the show, that show. -What show?

We are going to trail it all week and then whole show, Friday!

-Show the whole show? What? -Yeah!

-Well, what does it look like? -Fucking amazing!

-It cut together beautifully. -Cut?

-What? -Cut, did you say? Cut together?

-No. -Cut?

-No. -The show, the whole show

where I was almost fucking killed by some moron with a fucking fringe

glued to his forehead and you cut it?! What?!

Yeah but... Darling, what?

Darling, I didn't know what was happening.

Look this is my job, you don't ever want me not doing my job, babe.

What was I supposed to do?

The person that comes to help you is so fucking fat

he sits on your face and almost breaks your neck!

Darling, we'll get thinner security guards.

-This is great fucking telly! -No, I'm not doing it any more.

-I'm not going to let you quit. -Then just fuck off!

Is everything all right in here?

Actually, we could do with some water. Do you want some water, darling? Or champagne?

Can you have champagne? Sushi?

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Would you like to do Richard and Judy tomorrow morning?

-Are you a doctor? -Yes, but I'm not a medic.

Would you like to tell me what is going on please?

Because this is not the Vivienne that I know.

Oh, just piss off, I think I know what you think of me.

Oh, really? And what do I think of you?

I think you're feeling very vulnerable.

Oh! Is that the best you can do?

I think that if what you do is take people apart in public

and then not give them back anything to replace what they've lost,

It's only a matter of time before someone turns round and punches you.

(SHUDDERS)

Gasps from the audience! I tell you what, I want to fucking punch you now.

Well, you see, that's what you get

if you make people feel vulnerable against their will. Huh?

They wanna punch you in the face.

Well done, that's very good, that's very clever, isn't it?

How do you do that?

That's a very neat little formula.

It's trauma-related hysteria.

I need something to love me.

'I don't know what she's on but she's off her trolley. Gotta go, bye!'

Oh, hi! Hi! Hi!

Helena Derwent, Vivienne's producer. What's your name?

Well, I'm Jonathan Fowler, we've just met actually.

Right, do I know your face?

Well, I write a column in psychology.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Yes!

Do you know Emilio? He's a writer, friend of mine.

-No. -What's wrong with Viv?

Well, she's had a narcissistic blow. She's on the verge of a breakdown.

No!

Can I bend your ear?

My child is two years old, still sleeps in the bed with me,

only speaks Spanish. Is that a problem?

Yes, it is actually.

Can I... Would you like a drink?

-And welcome home, darling, hey? -Print tape.

-Have you got the print tape? -I didn't take it.

That doesn't have to come in, that's just some old knickers.

All right, sweetheart.

Ow! Coat, darling. I'm going to have a shower.

Well, do you want something to eat first?

-Shower then something to eat, I'll do that. -All right, darling.

So stiff! Did you bring my make-up bag in?

-Yeah, it's here. Oh, look! -What?

-Some thin's taken the paint off there. -What's done that?

It was probably me when I was rushing.

-Oh! There's a sample pot of that paint under the sink. -What?

-Hmm? Oh, just get someone to do it, darling. -I'll do it later.

-Where are the cushions? -Never came back from the cleaners.

-Oh. Weren't you going to call them about that? -I did.

Did you water the plants on the balcony?

No, I've got someone who's going to come and do those lovely planters.

You know the ones we saw at the Saunderson's.

You know, we really should start thinking, you know...

Holidays? Yeah. Cliff gets booked up and that Gloria's always in first.

Screw top! I hate that, but it's a lovely wine.

New Zealand, we had it at Paul's, remember?

Now, welcome home, darling, and here's to our wonderful, care-free life.

Hmm!

-Oprah never had children. -Did you say Oprah? Huh?

How dare you talk about Oprah? We'd all like to be Oprah.

We'd all like to sit and clutch hands with Susan Sarandon

and weep openly when she says she's a great mum.

We'd all like to sit smugly in the condom of cashmere and deal out Ralph Lauren vouchers

to the poor and hungry but we can't! Do you know why she can?

Because she owns the fucking channel, Jared!

She's doesn't need children!

Go and have a shower.

Anyway, I haven't got that kind of ego.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, that was a lively few minutes, wasn't it?

And we do wish Kylie and her mum, Jill, well.

And didn't they look fantastic after our make-over team had had a go at them, hey?

I think we're going to run this piece again

so if you know anyone who dresses like a whore...

Not someone who's an actual whore, but people who look like a whore, a tart,

then do phone the usual number or contact the Vivienne Vyle website.

Now, we're going to take a quick break and if you are a Taurus,

stay tuned, you're gonna love this!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

I married my best friend and now I want to have my dead husband's children.

Be a good name for one of your shows.

And what would people think? They'd think I'm the father!

I don't think people are that naive.

I don't want to be a father.

I deserve a baby, before the last desperate egg pops out of my ovaries.

-We'll get a pug. -Down some slowly disintegrating fallopian tube.

-Or a little shiatsu. -Into an aging womb

inside a body that's only kept juicy by hormone patches.

This was never part of the agreement!

(BUZZER)

Oh, food! Good, I'm starving!

What's the name of that pram thing you've got, Helena?

-Buggaboo? -Buggaboo. Get one of those, Jared.

-Put it on the list. -Oh, do they have one

with a zimmer frame attachment? A "Zimmerboo" for the older mother?

I got a call from Fox.

I'm going to go macrobiotic so... Pardon?

-They're very interested. -What?

Darling, the ratings are great.

-30% share, we've never had that before. -What's the slot average?

-15%, we've doubled it. -Double?

Even the reruns on UK Star, and the Americans loved it.

-No! -I know! We're squeezing Trisha.

This has got to be my comeback.

No more sick kiddies either. I can't make that brave face any more.

This is the new Vivienne Vyle.

-And she is? -We've got to push it harder, make it edgier.

-New set? -No, we can't afford it. Take it to the limit, you know.

-They love the violence. -Do they?

Whoa, you're going to have to have better security.

We'll get the really angry people on, won't we?

I want the mentally ill, the really mental... and better security.

Yeah, the really mentally ill

but we're going to have a therapy counselling person, for insurance.

-What? What? -I know it's pathetic but, you know, fucking lawyers.

All right, just get one, shit, just get one.

I want to do real therapy on television because...

-This is like transformational television. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is how I can evolve, this is how Oprah started.

I just have to be seen to really care.

I can do follow-ups, I can do mini-documentaries, I can do week-long specials.

'I want cutters, manic-depressives, suicidals, the obese, the big...'

-What do you call them? Morbidly obese. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where we have to knock the house down to get them into the studio.

-Fern! -What?

-Fern! -Hi!

-Yeah, hey! Good job! -Thanks for keeping the show warm.

I will lower myself once in a while.

It must be hard, all the standing up.

You're so used to sitting comfortably with Philip.

You really are repellent!

Oh, woo! Oh, woo! Let's hear it!

Look, she's back! Vivienne!

Darling, you remember Jonathan?

-Not him! Not him? -Yeah, yeah, I thought...

-Great on the telly. -On? No, not on, not on.

Viv, yeah, you know the channel wants a new format, it's going to be in your ear.

No, not in my ear, I don't do in my ear.

Just in case there are any sticky moments. Yeah, I told you, remember?

You didn't tell me it was going to be him. You didn't say him.

-Why didn't you tell me it was going to be him? -Run out of time.

Can't have a credit.

Sorry, I can't possibly pass these people to be on the television.

-Too late, booked. -What's your problem?

You're meddling with dysfunctional people who need real help.

-No psychopaths. -Look at that, it's just a theatre of cruelty.

But you don't help them, all you do is just stand there and shout at them.

Sit down! I shout at them because that's what they know.

Some of these are just big violent babies.

I'm the mum they never had, do you understand?

I can be that strong mother.

That's very good, write down what I just said, I want to use that.

-Oh, hold on... -Get it in the show. Wait, wait, wait!

You might not think it's right, I think it's legitimate for them.

-Good. -But sometimes it's very, very dangerous.

-Well, that's why you're here. -We're ready to fit Viv's earpiece.

-Earpiece, all right, I'm coming. -Be with you in five.

To me, to me. What did you say was wrong with my baby?

It doesn't know who its mother is.

It doesn't know who its mother is!

I don't know what you want me to do about that.

Vivienne, oh, yeah! I held on to this for you like you said.

What's that? Oh! Well done! You could have sold that to the press

for a lot of money. Shred it please?

-Really? Shit! -Yeah!

-Well, thank you, so these are for you. -Oh, thank you.

-You coming to the studio? -I was fired.

No, you weren't.

Door! Door!

Darling, can you just see?

-I've got tiny ears and that's the problem, isn't it? -What?

-That's why I've never worn one of these. -Just use your normal voice.

-Hello! -I'm hearing too much stuff.

I don't think it's working. It's not.

-Hang on, whoa! Wait! Wait! -Speak in your normal voice.

Okay. Hello, Vivienne. It's Jonathan here.

-Which one do I look at? There's lots of her. -Hello.

-Talk to her, talk to her. -Okay, I can hear him now.

Have a conversation, you speak when she doesn't.

-Hello, did you go shopping this morning? -Wait! Wait.

Apparently I've got to have a normal conversation with you.

Is he talking to me?

Er, I don't know what to say.

What car do you drive?

How fast do you go on weekends? I'm hearing...

Please, no.

Let's try an open question.

-Open question? -Open question.

What the fuck do you think you're doing? Is that an open question?

Yeah, okay. And now a closed question.

-Are you trying to piss me off? -I'm not trying to piss you off.

A closed question, yes or no answer, do you understand?

-Yeah, okay. Let's try a paradoxical intervention. -What?

You tell them to do something they think they can't do

in order to get them to do it.

That they're a load of old tossers and they'll never change?

Yes, a little bit of empathy.

You're a load of cocks, you'll never change and I feel very sorry for you. Empathy, done.

Yeah, okay, and of course there'll be enough time to reflect, paraphrase.

You know, throw in the odd kind of circular question, with a gestalt empty chair,

just get your comments less directive and more systemic, you know.

Bring in all those family issues... She's coming.

That sort of thing, then once you've done the family issues we can move on to...

It would be really good if we could practice your reframing

because the hop hop hop...

I can't do this, you're going to have to shut up.

Let's welcome now our crack-addicted whore.

No, you can't open with that!

That's the title of the show, Crack-Addicted Whore, or something like that.

I mean, I'm going to say it, is there a problem?

-Ah! Er... -What?

This man has a very, very violent profile and he's a crack addict.

-You push him too far he's going to kill you. -Here's my line of questioning.

You are a crack-addicted whore, how long have you been wearing women's panties?

I've been smoking rock for like seven years

and like with the sex it's been as long as I can remember really.

Yeah, well, what does your mother think?

No, no, no, you're going too far now. Don't mention the mother.

-She died. -No, no, no.

You know, I guess your mother would be very ashamed of you.

No, not now, you can't do...

I think you don't wanna change, you're happy being this crack-addicted whore.

-Steady! -Hello, paradoxical intervention.

Am I right? Closed question.

You're pushing them to anger too quickly.

Can I just tell you a little bit about the anger you should expect?

Do you know how often I have done anger?

If he's getting too fucking angry, I crouch down, maybe I sit here.

I might lie fucking prostrate at this crack-addicted whore's feet

because I know what I am doing!

(APPLAUSE)

You are just some pathetic low-life, rock-using rent-boy

who turns up his arse every time he needs to score

just so he can have his penis cut off.

You disgust me and most of my audience.

But I'm not here to judge you. Sit down!

And then I will lower my eyes, I will do empathy.

Oh, my God, you are so brave to become a woman, those shoes look very painful.

How long will it be before you take responsibility for yourself?

And I will contain his anger, I will hold it, I will hold him in my hand and then suddenly,

may I say fucking skilfully,

move him to the tears of self-pity and the outpouring of self-loathing.

I hate myself!

And then I will tell him straight.

The straight talking, the no-nonsense, the Vivienne Vyle treatment, from the heart.

You're angry, aren't you? Huh?

I know you're angry, you're very angry.

I want you to hold on to that violent anger

cos on the new Vivienne Vyle Show we're going to give you a choice.

You can leave this show one of two ways.

You can go through that door there and you can get help,

in the shape of Doctor Jonathan Fowler he's our new therapist.

He's good, I've seen his work.

Or you can leave through that other door, the way you came in.

That door marked depravity and drug addiction. Which is it going to be?

The choice is yours.

(APPLAUSE)

Wait...

CHEERS

Brave man! Brave man!

Let's give it up for him. That took a lot of guts.

Hey, baby!

Si!

Soy, soy mama.

Yeah. Si!

Como...

Oh, God no. Are you hungry?

Oh! Are you... Como te humbre?

Sleepy?

Phew!

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, God! Can you hold?

Ask him to leave us alone now.

Could you leave us, please?

What do you think they do with it? Get rid of it?

It's all right, they have a process, they know what the...

-All right darling, let's go. Come on, let go. -No, I can't.

You've done the hard part, you've said goodbye, let's go.

-I can't. -What?

-It's stuck to my fingers. -What?

-It's stuck to my fingers. -Well, get it off.

-I can't, it's hurting. -What?

-It's hurting, it's starting to hurt. -Breathe on it, breathe on it.

-No, it's not working. -I'm going to get frostbite.

-Ask him to come back. -We need a...

-For fuck's sake, get him back here! -We need a...

Knives! Do you carry one?

Have you ever witnessed or been affected by a stabbing?

Do you cut yourself for sexual pleasure or because you're depressed?

Every tried to amputate a limb?

The Vivienne Vyle Show's doing a week about knifes, Living On A Knife Edge.

Contact us, we'd love to hear from you.