Original subtitles

MAN:* "I can't go on" The old man said *

* There's a rat Inside me house *

* The little girl laughed *

* Said, "Don't be daft It's only a pink sugar mouse" *

That's how it was.

* Sometimes *

* It wasn't half as bad As all that *

* Sometimes *

* Don't know Exactly what we had *

* But there were fun times *

GIRL: Nine Elms is the name of a place in London

south of the river.

There might have been nine trees there once,

but the time we're talking about,

Nine Elms didn't mean trees, it meant foggy winter,

the noise of trains, but most of all,

it meant Sam, the first to show us the world

on the other side of the river.

Bella, come here. Come here.

Come here.

Ten years, teach you how to do one trick

and can't bloody do it.

MAN:* It's strange how Miss Kelly I first came to meet *

* I were riding one day On my bus *

* I tried to alight Without paying me fare *

* The conductor kicked up Such a fuss *

* I tried to step On the curb *

* When the horses dust up To me grief *

* I fell and I'm sure That I'd broke me neck *

* But Miss Kelly Was there underneath *

WOMAN:"It's all right for you, "I said. Health inspectors.

"Then where do you live?" I said.

So I told him.

Where I live, it's so damp

you can grow mushrooms on the walls.

You shouldn't have told him, love.

He'll put your bleeping rent up.

Up them and all.

( all laugh )

( cheerful theme playing )

Here you are. Thanks, pay you tomorrow.

Okay. See you later.

( toy horn squeaks )

Ow! Stupid cow.

Wanna put that in the accident book, mate.

Screw the accident book.

Yeah, I may have to soon

if the old woman don't give in.

God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

Thank you very much, love.

* Sometimes *

* It wasn't half as bad As all that *

* Sometimes *

* Don't know Just what it was we had *

* But there were fun times *

Don't annoy the dog, sonny. She'll pee all over you.

* Sometimes *

* It wasn't half as bad As all that *

* Sometimes *

* Don't know exactly What we had *

* But there were fun times *

* Sometimes *

* She made me feel important Only sometimes *

What are you staring at? You.

Oh. God bless you, sir.

* Sometimes *

* It wasn't half as bad As all that *

* Sometimes *

Come on.

* Don't know *

Home.

( children chattering indistinctly )

Want an apple? Well, wipe your nose and get a jackal.

Where's Dad? Overtime.

As always. We never see him, do we?

Might as well be orphans.

Don't ever say that.

Don't ever let me hear you say that again.

It's unlucky. Shut your ears, then.

Well, don't just stand there. I'm not.

Bella.

God bless you, sir. God bless you.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Don't just stand there, do something.

Silly sod.

SAM ( reciting ): I once went to battle And bravely I fought

As a brave British soldier Should do

Then Lord Nelson said "Sam, our powder's run short"

"So, of course We're depending on you"

Thousands of Zulus Came gussing along

And I pushed to the front And I said

"If you boys don't go I shall sing you a song"

So they threw down their spears And they fled

( rimshot sounds )

MUM: Please, Dad, once. Give me a hand with this.

DAD: I'd pay for it though, would I?

MUM: I work twice as hard doing that laundry.

Money isn't everything.

Gotta have a bit of a family life. A break.

DAD: It might be nice to have a break from your nagging.

The way you talk, anybody would think I was up

at the bloody seaside for the day.

MUM: Calls it work and talks about football half the time.

I thought I asked you to get me some bread yesterday.

I did.

I didn't ask you to eat it all.

Gonna have to get me some.

And you, it's about time you stop using that.

He can use it for a goldfish bowl.

Shut your mouth.

Shut your own, it's closer.

Not so much of it.

Go and get yourself washed. Go on.

MUM: Sometimes when I look at this lot.

It might help if she was a bit less free with her lip.

DAD: Wonder which side of the family she gets that from.

GIRL: That Saturday began as most Saturdays did,

with them rowing about Dad going off to work

and Mum being left on her own with us.

But overtime meant more money,

and more money meant more chance

of that new house they were always talking about.

MUM: Liz, your dad's left you some money. It's on the table.

Don't forget to clean your teeth.

Blach!

Hey, mister, who's dead?

BOY: Nobody's dead, is there, mister?

See, there's nothing wrong with her.

She's just old, that's all.

What you got?

Half's mine.

Who said? Our dad.

Not here now, is he?

He's working on a Saturday.

LIZ: It he works every Saturday and Sunday for a whole month,

he could earn more money than a whole year put together.

You never think about that, do you? You're too selfish.

He said I can have one.

Well, think about it.

If you want a new set, someone's gotta pay

for the curtains, ain't they?

Not gonna be you, is it?

He said that you should give me one.

Here, want a sweet?

Yeah. Sack you both.

( emotive theme playing )

BOY: It's that, then?

That's where you said we were going to live.

BOY: With a room for you, one for me and one for baby James.

MAN: Hey, you! What are you doing down there?

Get out of here.

( seagulls screeching )

Mark!

LIZ: Mark!

LIZ: Mark!

Mark!

Mark!

LIZ: Come out! Mark!

Mark!

Mark!

Here, go on. Out. Private.

Can't you hear? I said it's private.

SAM: Stay out. Keep out.

( Mark whistles )

MARK ( sing-song ): * Sam, Sam, the dirty old man *

What are you doing, kid? I said, "Keep out. "

Now, stay out of here. It's not Dr. Bernardo's home.

Stay away. Private property. It's mine.

Stay out.

Cheeky little beggar. Go on. Off.

SAM: Both of you.

Stay out. Stay out of here.

Go on, I'll give you a right bonk with this.

Go on. In the house.

Go on.

Give a bitch half a bone, she wants the gravy.

MARK ( sing-song ): * Sam, Sam, dirty old man *

* Washed his face In a frying pan *

( singing indistinctly ) Look, I'm warning you.

Hey, mister, you're a barmy.

If you've not left in five seconds,

I'd be a right fartly one and drop you over the side.

There's no water.

Don't count on it. Anyway, it's private.

It's not. Then wipe your nose.

It's not private. It is, it's mine.

Who said? I said. It's mine.

It's private. Can't you talk English?

Bloody kids. You can have midgets anytime,

they don't grow up, do they?

MARK: Hey, mister, when they gonna pull your house down?

Better hurry up before it falls down.

( slams door )

Want to go?

LIZ: Bet he was in a circus.

MARK: Bet he wasn't.

LIZ: Bet his dog was.

Hey, mister, can we come in and see your house?

Can we look at your house, mister?

Bet you got nothing in there.

Hey, mister, you're a barmy.

Here, out. Out. This is private property.

I told you, stay out.

( sing-song ) * See my fingers See my thumb *

* You come in here And I'll kick your bum *

Go on. Out now, both of you. Out. Out.

( sing-song )* Sam, Sam The dirty old man *

* Washed his face In a frying pan *

Hang about.

Look at this.

Here, mate, your wheels are going round.

I know, they do a lovely turn.

Hey, darling. Didn't your mom every tell you

about dirty old men like him?

Told me about you.

Hey, mister, you've got a hole in your trousers.

Hey, mister, your shirt's hanging out.

Off. Go on, get off.

You're pests.

( announcer speaking indistinctly over speakers )

( man speaking indistinctly )

Hey, move along, son. You're ruining the act.

There's a good lad. Heh, heh, heh.

Now you've done it. Yeah? Get off.

If you want.

All right, all right.

SAM: Here's a lovely little song

that I have dedicated to the ladies,

and that I've entitled:

"No Matter How Long Your Stockings Are,

The Tops Are Always Nearest The Bottom. "

* La-dee-da-dee-dum La-dee-da-dee-da *

* Da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-dum La-dee-da-dee-dum *

* Oh, they used To call her Mary *

* But then they took The R away *

* Oh, she wanted to be A flapper, you see *

* With a cute little name Like May *

* And then a young man Came romancing *

* And in a year They called him "Pa" *

* So they took the Y Away from May *

* And now they call her Ma *

( tempo increases )

* Oh, they used To call her Mary *

* And then they took The R away *

* Oh, she wanted to be A flapper, you see *

* With a cute little name Like May *

* And then a young man Came romancing *

* And in a year They called him "Pa" *

* So they took the Y Away from May *

* And now they call her *

* What do they call her? *

* Yes, they all call her "Ma" *

We don't know our way home, mister.

They followed us here,

they can follow us back, I suppose.

SAM: Here, you hold there.

What's he up to?

Earwigging. Listening inside his head.

Oh. Empty bells and cockleshells.

Here you are. Now, don't say I never give you naught.

What's in it?

What's in it?

You should be grateful.

If I had an house, a nice big house,

I know what I'd do.

I'd have a cat and I'd have a dog

with a bloody, fine view.

Thanks, mister.

That's not funny.

No, but it's clean.

MARK: This a picnic, mister? SAM: Aye.

It isn't. A picnic's gotta be in the country.

Oh, aye, who told you that?

Our dad.

Did he? Yeah.

A picnic's gotta have flowers and grass.

Oh, what else did he say, your dad?

Tell an apple from an onion because he's always crying?

A picnic's where you're enjoying it.

You enjoying it?

Right, then, it's a picnic. A picnic's a flaming picnic.

It's not.

That's a rude word. Use your handkerchief.

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

Charming manner that child's got.

Charming.

Like that fella that lived next door.

Spent all day teaching himself how to be a brass band.

Funny thing, he played the fiddle.

( boat whistle blows )

What's he doing, earwigging again?

It's all inside here, you know.

Don't you know that?

Inside your head, you can build...

A skyscraper?

Aye. Ah... A palace. A what?

An apple?

An orange.

A steamboat? The lot.

If you think with your eyeballs

and forget all that rot from teachers

and fathers and mothers and cops.

Magic. It's private. It's yours.

It's not. Here.

I told you that's a rude word. Use your handkerchief.

What you playing?

It's private.

* Jimin-oh, golly Gosh, oh, gee *

* I've fallen in love And so has she *

* I haven't told her Hasn't told me *

* But we know it Just the same *

* Saturday night On her settee *

* Oh, what a time It's going to be *

* I haven't told her Hasn't told me *

* But we know it Just the same *

* She still Calls me "mister" *

* But she won't I know she won't *

* After I've kissed her *

* I've got an idea Soon she'll be *

* Cooking my breakfast Wait and see *

* I haven't told her Hasn't told me *

* But we know it Just the same *

* She still Calls me "mi-- " *

Hey. Hey, up.

Hey, up.

Funerals are like a stab in the back.

Don't know you've got it till you've had it.

Wasn't much.

Oh, aye. Suppose you'll have a better one.

Better one than yours anyway.

Happens to all of us, you know?

What?

Being born.

What's his name, mister? What's his name?

He hasn't got a name.

Why, mister?

'Cause he's an her.

What's her name, mister?

Bella. "Bella" is Italian for "beautiful. "

Bet she won't ever. Won't what?

Ever get dead.

If it takes a week to walk a fortnight,

how many apples in a barrel of grapes?

Will she, mister?

What? Have a big funeral.

Bigger than Queen Victoria's?

Bigger than Mr. Potter's at the barbers?

Mr. Potter won't know he's deceased. Ha!

Will she have flowers?

Oh, I should say so.

Feathers and trumpets, black horses, brass bands.

They'll all be there for our Bella. Heh, heh.

In the middle of Hyde Park

in the biggest cemetery in the world.

You gotta do it in style, you see.

I mean, having a good funeral is like having a good life.

Something to look forward to, you see.

I mean, you've got to let people know

when you've gone.

'Course I've seen it, you know.

It's in the middle of Hyde Park.

Towering tombstones.

Undertakers with hats as tall as chimneys.

"Come in," they'd say. "Come in and have a lie down

"if you've naught else to do. "

Oh, aye. You've got to be a special dog

to be buried there.

Is Bella a special dog?

Is she a special dog?

What are you talking about?

I've told you, "bella" is Italian for "beautiful. "

Mark my words, they'll remember Bella in Hyde Park

when you and me are long gone and forgotten.

Can we come to the funeral, mister?

Oh, aye, I dare say,

Bella or me'll send you an invitation.

She's a lady, you know, she's got a pedigree and all that.

You'll get invited. A card, you know.

No she won't.

Oh, aye, Mrs. Lopsided?

'Cause she'll be dead.

Can't send invitations when you're in your coffin.

Here. Turn around. Go on. Turn around, both of you.

( melancholy theme playing )

You'll take me, mister, won't you?

Dog cemetery.

Won't take you because there's not one, is there?

Will you, mister?

Can we, mister?

I'll take you.

Where is it then? Don't believe you.

It's across the river. One seventy-three bus.

That's where it is.

You'll take me, mister. Won't you?

Across the river?

Can we, mister? Cross the river?

Oh. Oh, you've changed your mind now, have you?

To see the new buildings.

The high one son the other side of the river.

'Cause that's where we're gonna live.

Well, as soon as I've fed Bella, then.

Can't, mister. Not now. It's our mom.

Oh, you were poking fun at me, were you?

She's expecting us.

Tomorrow we can though. After dinner.

Honestly.

Oh, I don't know about tomorrow.

Tomorrow's another day, isn't it?

I'll have to think about that. I don't know.

I mean...

Oh. Go on, Bella. Come on. That's a good girl.

Ta, mister.

I said "Maybe," mind.

Maybe means perhaps.

And perhaps means if.

And if means maybe.

And that's all I've said, mind.

MARK: Ta, mister. See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

( uplifting theme plays )

SAM ( reciting ): I can't go to sleep At night

When I go to bed

For fear I'll wake up In the morn

And discover I am dead

Last night I had a dream That someone took my life

I screamed out, "Murder! Spare me, sir

"But you're welcome To the wife"

( church bells toll )

Those little devils. No sense of time.

Kids these days, they don't know about time.

"Take the pot to the kettle,"

my mother always used to say.

"And let it draw. "

( sighs )

How are you, love?

I'd get the vet for you, but they don't understand artists.

Oh look at that, Rafferty. Heh.

Graceful as a tank.

Accrington Hippodrome. Remember him?

Accrington Hippodrome, that's going back a bit.

They cut his act so short, he opened and closed in a blackout.

I remember that.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna cook the dinner.

Yeah.

If I'm gonna work, I'd better have mine early, hadn't I?

Here.

We ain't got time.

It'll only take five minutes.

Where's the baby? MUM: With Liz.

I'd better lock the door.

( children screaming and playing )

( James cooing )

That's better.

Can't stand untidiness.

What was that act there?

Mactulluck's Ten Tiny Tappers,

they were on the bill with us in Edinburgh.

You tried to have an affair with Miss Pullen.

There were McGregors, and McPersons,

and McBrownsmen, and McSmithsmen--

No, wait a minute.

I know it.

I know it, like me own name.

( Sam muttering )

Huh.

* Humpty-dumpty-tiddly-tumpty Tumpty-tumpty-tum *

* Diddly-dum-- *

Remember that?

* Diddly-dumpty-dum *

* Humpty-dumpty-dumpty-dumpty Dumpty-dumpty-dum *

( humming )

( whimpering )

How'd you like me to play at your funeral?

Eh?( whimpers )

No, I'm only joking.

Once had an IOU.

IO died, now I've got U.

You're looking better.

Not still waiting for those two, are you?

( laughing )

Remember that?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Blimey, it wasn't that lousy. Here, come here.

Where's Dad? Went back to work.

Sit down, I'll get your dinner in a minute.

What's that?

Something you've been doing at school?

This one's of a volcano they showed us in a book.

Very nice. Well, look then.

I will in a minute, I'm changing the baby.

( singing in a foreign language )

Move it, I can't play while you're climbing all over me.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Remember that? You loved that there.

Quick, we're late.

( door slams shut )

There you are, them bloody kids.

I'll pull up the drawbridge.

Let them try and break that down.

You go and tell him we're here.

You took your time, didn't you?

Well, my time's private time.

Not public time.

My time is not yours to waste.

My time.

He's not going.

Not my fault.

( Bella barks )

( melancholy theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

FEMALE CONDUCTOR: Fares, please.

One and two halves to Hyde Park, please.

Thank you.

Where's he gone?

Gentleman's convenience.

Oh, aye. His boots too tight?

How old is he?

Six.

Well, if he wants to be seven...

( upbeat theme playing )

Why can't Bella come?

LIZ: Dog's got feelings, the same as you have.

Is this it, mister?

The cemetery?

You've got to be a special dog, haven't you?

How'd you get in then?

MARK: Haven't you, mister? Got to be a special dog?

Aye, royalty.

Is Bella a royal dog?

Well off, you know, on her mother's side.

Not disappointed, are you?

It doesn't mean a thing unless you know the history.

You know the history, don't you, mister?

Oh, practically wrote a book about it.

I would have done, if I'd have wrote a book at all.

Stone's cold.

That's why they say, "Stone dead. "

Makes a very good Grand Marnier soufflé

does the chef here.

( band playing Dixieland jazz )

See you, Fred.

Yeah, I'll look out for you, Sam.

( playing "When the Saints Go Marching In")

Come off the stick and give it a kiss.

Hello, hello, hello. We're about to do a show.

Turn around and face this way, come on.

Come on, Snowy.

And Billy, face this way please.

Come on, Chubby. Fred.

Please, Fred. Thank you.

Now then, I shall pass amongst you,

and pick out an object at random from your personal persons.

And my colleague here,

although completely blindfolded, will convey to you

without any previous knowledge, what that object is.

Excuse me, one moment.

Ah, protégé,

what have I got here?

What have I got here?

Concentrate. Now latch on to it, latch on to it, protégé.

A key?

A key, correct!( audience laughs )

The boy is a marvel, the boy is a marvel. A living marvel.

I must ask him sometime how he does it.

Right. Can we have the first number please, madam?

Concentrate, little genius. Five.

Five! Correct.

SAM:* Sometimes it wasn't half As bad as all that, sometimes *

* Sometimes, he nearly made me feel important *

* Only sometimes *

* Don't know exactly what we had but there were fun times *

Thank you very much indeed.

* Sometimes, he made me feel Important, only sometimes *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Play me a tune, mister Play, strong man *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Hit that drum As hard as you can *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Diddy-bang-diddy-bom Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Diddy-bang-diddy-bom-diddy Bom-diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* When I was just A little boy *

* My folks didn't buy me Many things *

* One day they bought me A wonderful toy *

* And it was made of tin And yellow painted engines *

* Soldiers marched around it *

* When you hit it with a stick It made one hell of a sound *

* It went bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Play me a tune, mister Play, strong man *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Hit that drum As hard as you can *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Diddy-bang-diddy-bom Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Diddy-bang-diddy-bom-diddy Bom-diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Years have gone by And I'm older now *

* And I'm in the music game *

* Songs and singers come and go Drummers stay the same *

* Listen, old drummer man Give me this advice *

* The best I've ever had *

* He said, "Son, a good drum Makes a bad band good *

* "And a bad one a good band bad," everybody now *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Play me a tune, mister Play, strong man... *

She's not well.

Uh...

You're like Gotti then.

Any thoughts you can get, and give you naught in return.

Aren't you going to count it?

No.

BUSKER: * Many machines Go marching in *

* And the old drummer man Plays like hell *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* Play me a tune, mister Play, strong man *

* Bom-diddy-bang Diddy-boodee-bang-bang *

* You beat that drum As hard as you can *

* Bom-diddy-bang *

Change?

Right. Grownups first.

Ladies next.

Here.

Get your chops around that, love.

What's up? Have you lost something?

We have to go.

Oh.

You see, I thought, that you said

that you were going to go take me to see the flats.

That's what I thought anyway.

Still, no matter.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we...

( children chuckling slightly )

All go and see the flats?

And we can see the flats at the same time.

( tender theme playing )

SAM ( reciting ): Once they were proud of heroes

Heroes like Fireman Jim

Once they would cheer And shake his hand

When the tale Of his life was told.

But the world soon forgets What a hero has done

When a man like Jim grows old

MARK: That's where we live.

You can't hear them though, can you?

What? The trains.

Bella's left ear's bigger.

Don't make her no less of a dog, does it?

Shows she's intelligent.

All clever dogs have got bigger left ears.

( sing-song ): * Sail away *

* Far away Wherever she may be *

*Take with thee *

* Tenderly A fond memory *

Everything floats away, doesn't it?

MARK: You've been all over the world, haven't you?

Oh, aye. Bond Street. Piccadilly.

Oxford Circus.

Was your wife there?

No, no. She went. Took the baby and went.

How?

She died.

Just like they all do.

They get up on their hind legs and leave you.

On the platform at Crewe without a ticket.

Not like dogs. Heh, heh.

She'll never leave me, will you?

No.

Listen, I may teach you null tales, but I'll tell you this:

You can forget all about humans.

Might just as well take poison.

But a dog?

A dog will always be your friend.

LIZ: We can't.

MARK: Can we, mister?

SAM: Can you what?

Get a dog.

Oh. Could you look after one?

Feed it?

Clean up after it?

And you don't know where to get one?

Right. Well, close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Say, "Abracadabra. "

BOTH: Abracadabra.

"Fun-a-son-of-gabins. "

BOTH: Fun-a-son-of-gabins.

* Duh-dum, duh-dum, dum-dum *

* Hey, this old man He played one *

* He played knick knack on my drum *

* With a knick-knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone *

* This old man came Rolling home *

* This old man He played two *

* He played knick knack On my shoe *

* With a knick-knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone *

* This old man came Rolling home *

* This old man He played three *

* He played knick-knack On my tree *

* With a knick-knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone *

* This old man came Rolling home *

* This old man He played four *

* He played knick-knack On my door *

* With a knick-knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone *

* This old man came Rolling home *

MARK: Can we?

SAM: What? LIZ: Have a dog.

SAM: Aye. Dog's Home. Lots to see.

MARK: Today?

SAM: Closed today.

MARK: Tomorrow? SAM: Aye.

LIZ: After school?

SAM: Aye, after school, aye.

Don't want no tea.

Do without then.

( whistle blowing )

Hello, darling. Hi.

Wonder what they'd say if they could talk, eh?

I bet it would be all, "Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. "

Oh, they're all right.

Well, you could always look after mine, darling.

Thanks, I've got enough with me own.

( dogs barking )

What do they do with them after?

Send them to their ancestors.

What's ancestors?

Relations that grow on family trees.

Shouldn't lock them up. Should let them go.

Who do you think would feed them? Pigeons?

I would.

This the one you've chosen?

What you gonna call it?

Battersea.

Battersea? Well that's original.

That's where you found it,

that's what you're gonna call it.

Better than East Finchley on Neismann, I suppose.

Might have been Charring Cross.

Is it ours?

Yes, after a few formalities.

He's not earwigging again is he?

LIZ: I expect he's torn over coming back after a few formalities.

( Sam whistles )

Excuse me, uh, are you the dog lady?

One of the fellas said we have to see you about the dog.

Where did you lose it?

Well, we didn't lose it, you see. We found it, didn't we?

In the kennels.

SECRETARY: Name?

Ellis. E-L...

... L-I-S.

That's correct.

SECRETARY: Christian name?

Mark. M-A...

I know how to spell it.

Address?

Shall I write it?

Now, all we need is for your mommy or daddy to sign it.

Anytime between now and Saturday.

How do you mean, mommy or daddy?

Well, we need an adult to be responsible.

Oh, aye, aye.

Mom or dad, you mean.

How about their granddad? Where would I sign?

Huh.

Right.

Heh. Looks like me and all, doesn't he?

Only not so pretty.

You're older.

And you're working yourself up for a kick up the bum, you are.

Go on sit over there until I call for you.

Don't be rude to your old granddad.

That's how we used to bring them up in our day.

What about me age? Do you want me age?

Not if you're over eighteen.

I am over eighteen, yes.

Now if you'll just wait while I make out a receipt.

Yes. What receipt?

We make a nominal charge for small dogs. Three pounds fifty.

Three pounds fifty for a small dog?

You can have mine for a dollar.

SECRETARY: But it's only a nominal charge for expenses.

It's on the form.

I can't read all that small print.

There isn't any small print.

It's me eyes. I've got small eyes and everything.

Well... Well then, uh...

Then you don't want us to reserve the dog?

No, no, reserve the dog, yes, definitely.

Only it's his father, you see.

I promised him and, uh...

It's his birthday and I don't want to disappoint him.

You understand. I mean, you know.

So we'll be back. Before Saturday?

Oh, yes. Before Saturday.

We'll be back before Saturday, yes.

I'm not your granddad, am I?

Serves you right for telling lies.

You can't de-show once you're faced with it.

Just because I signed me name...

I mean I don't even know where you live, do I?

Life's thieving, isn't it?

( whimpering )

( inaudible dialogue )

( dog barking )

Is she still there?

Can you hear her?

Really?

You did hear her, really?

How are we going to get the money?

How do you think?

How long will it take us?

A month of Sundays.

How long is that?

Longer than Saturday, anyway.

They said you gotta buy a bottle first, before you can win.

Can I have the money on the empty bottles, please?

( bottles clattering )

Thank you, dear.

There. That's for being so kind.

The mean old cow.

( thunder crashing )

If five men work for two days

and they got paid one pound an hour,

and they worked for 10 hours each day,

how much would they get paid?

Elizabeth?

How much would they get paid?

Elizabeth?

Not enough, miss.

What time's Dad coming home?

When he's finished. Never home, is he?

Huh? Well, you say it.

Well, that's different.

He doesn't do it because he likes doing it, does he?

You don't want us to live here all our lives, do you?

Well, anyway, always talking about the new flat.

Never get it. We will.

It's not up to us anyway. It's up to the council.

Besides, even if we did get it, it doesn't mean we'd enjoy it.

Not as if we got something to look after.

I mean, if we had a dog or something.

It could keep us company and keep off burglars.

Burglars?

What we got to burgle?

Honestly, look at it?

What do you kids get up to? It's not my fault.

Well, you're the oldest. You should look after him.

Why should I? Same reason we look after you.

( dramatic theme playing )

SAM ( reciting ): They were always up To hearing my voice

People fancied I couldn't rejoice

It weren't that I Really wanted to cry

I were born with a tear In me voice

( whimpers )

( whimpers )

( door closes )

Hm. Come here.

Found you a fairy godmother.

Sit down.

I want you to babysit, that's all.

Look after her while I'm out working.

Five pence for the pair of you.

You haven't got the money for your dog, have you?

What's up? You lost your tongue?

We can't, mister. It's our mum.

We've got to go home.

Oh. Got to go home. Oh.

Come on then. Go on. Out you go.

What are you waiting for?

You've had your invitation.

Can't, mister, not even if you gave us 10 pennies each.

Ten pennies each?

Bloody bed bugs are better company than you are.

Go on. Out.

Bolt the door behind you.

Invite him to the funeral. I should think so.

Smell that.

Save that for later.

I want to.

You know you can't. We've got to go home.

SAM: Ten pence!

That's me last and final offer.

What do you say?

You've got two hours, haven't you?

I can't leave her.

Ten pennies each, mister, an hour.

Oh, that's it.

I knew she were bargaining.

You really mean it, don't you, mister?

Aye. She got you affairs.

( door closes )

Well, come in if you're coming.

You can give her some milk if she wants it.

You'll need to warm it up a bit.

And, uh, give her one of these dog pills

if she gets a bit--

( coughs )

But don't take none yourself.

I'm not a dog.

I'll be back about eight o'clock.

You'd better be.

Huh.

( clattering )

( tambourine rattling )

Hey, don't touch anything, you hear?

That's all private, is that.

My private things.

If you do, I'll know about it.

There's a fella lives in that wardrobe.

Been in there for years.

One of my lodgers.

I saw that.

I saw it.

Ah.

You'd better let her go to sleep.

No.

She mightn't wake up.

LIZ: Might be a blessing.

( uplifting theme playing )

You're not supposed to touch anything.

What are you doing then?

Supposing he comes back?

Supposing, supposing.

Eight o'clock, you said.

Look after her, you said. I'd pay, I said.

Who's babysitting who? That's what I want to know.

( sneezes, then barks )

Feeling better, are we?

( chuckles )

A man's got no business doing business with kids.

Might as well try riding a three-legged donkey.

Can we have our money, please?

Oh, you're wide awake now, aren't you?

Wide awake, yeah.

Right then.

May as well settle me debts. ( yawns )

Ten, 20, 30, 40.

Don't be late tomorrow.

Come on.

Bye, mister.

Thanks, mister.

( door opens )

Bye.

It could have been worse, you know, love.

( door closes ) You might have been run over.

Hm?

Shall we do the fandango,

or would you prefer a bit of formation dancing?

Have we got enough?

One pound 15 pennies.

How much do we want?

Tomorrow after school.

The gates of hell.

Best repent for your sins, mate.

Haven't got any. Can't afford them.

Aye, aye, it's our Georgie.

Hey, Georgie, you know what she calls you?

Passion pants.

Can't help being handsome though, can he?

No, but it helps.

( steam hissing )

Hey! You two!

What are you doing down there?

Go on, out!

Go on! Out!

Don't you know your own dad?

Go on! Out! Wait for me outside!

Now what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing?

Well, what'd you break in for?

You could have had an accident, got burned,

broken your neck or something.

You say it's nothing? Now come on, what is it?

We wanted to talk to you.

We wanted to ask you something.

What? Don't matter.

Oh, that's great, isn't it? That's typical, that is.

Almost lose me my job and now it don't matter.

Now what don't? And don't say "nothing. "

You've got a face like a horse's backside,

and you say it's nothing. Now come on, what is it?

We want some money.

Yeah, don't we all.

Only two pounds.

Two pounds. Why not a fiver?

Or didn't you know they made them that colour?

We want to get something.

Yeah, you're lucky you didn't get it from me.

Clown around here, all.

Now how about clearing off? Because I'm in a good mood.

I'll see you at home. Aren't you coming then?

I'm still working, ain't I?

Then I've got an appointment at the housing.

We wanted to talk to you.

Well, you're talking. And don't tell your mother.

It's supposed to be a surprise.

Hang on. Clear off. I'll see you in the morning.

( door closes )( whines )

LIZ: Sorry we're late, mister.

It was our dad. SAM: Did he give you the money?

Oh. No, you wouldn't be here if he did, would you?

Hm. Pretty cow's milk.

Ought to be dog's milk.

No wonder she's not getting any better.

Here, watch it. It's hot.

Aren't you going out then?

Oh, up to your lolly, are you?

Aye. Aren't you going out then?

( chuckles )

It's that darn coat on down the street.

Old fellow there will get enough to eat.

I'll give you a fair warning.

If you're late again,

you'll be too late.

( door closes )

( barks )

Hm.

Didn't you go then?

Aye, it's me outside and me ghost in here.

It were raining so I didn't feel

like doing any dancing, you know.

I never do in the rain.

Hey. It's finished.

Why don't you get her some more?

I'll do it. Oh, no, no, I'll do it.

I've been managing for meself for 20 years.

Women's thoughts are few.

Everything they say and everything they do.

You can go out.

I'm staying in.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Sit down.

I've got a proposition I'm going to make to you.

Get your eyes on that lot.

Now then.

How much do you still need for your dog?

Eh?

One pound,

1 pound 10,

1 pound 20,

1 pound 30,

1 pound 40.

Any advance on 40? Do I hear an advance on 40?

One pound 50, 1 pound 60.

Five. Five to the lady.

One pound 65.

So that's, uh, five hours in advance

we'll call that, shall we?

Say it. No. You come back tomorrow.

Then we'll go and get your mongrel.

If you like, mister.

If I like?

Is that all you got to say?

Thanks, mister.

Now that's better.

All right. Off your go, then.

Here.

Hang on.

Here.

So I changed me mind.

I change me mind more than you change your underwear.

( majestic theme playing )

( exhaust hissing )

Come on, lazy bones. Rise and shine. Come on now.

Yeah, that's surprising, isn't it? Hey?

Did you get it? What?

The new house. Well, did you?

Now what do you think?

Four more weeks we say goodbye to this lot.

Yeah, we say goodbye to that as well.

Have to learn to do without that.

( laughs )

Hey, what's that for?

You. Did you tell Mum?

Yeah, we're going shopping afterwards,

so if you want to come you'd better hurry.

No, I don't think so. She'll only shout at us.

Now don't be cheeky. Where are we going?

Washing.

What are we taking that for?

Nothing to do with you, anyway.

No wonder your ma goes crazy locked up with you all day.

( uplifting theme playing )

( both laugh )

( barking )

( inaudible dialogue )

( "This Old Man" playing )

Come on, Battersea. Over.

Over. Go on.

( barks )

Go on.

Under now. Go under.

Go on, try it. Over.

Lift your legs a bit more.

MARK: You're supposed to go under, not over, you silly fool.

LIZ: She can go under.

Go on, over, Battersea. Go on.

Now over. Try it. Come on, try it.

LIZ: Jump. Good. ( whimpering )

LIZ: Go on.

Now under.

MARK: Over. Over.

Under. Come on, Battersea, under.

Under. Under.

Go on. Under. That's not the way to do it.

I'll show you how we do it in the circus, shall I?

Oh. Now come here.

Hold that.

Give us Battersea. Come here, Battersea.

And right, Battersea, show it to her first, you see?

Now, come on. Alley-oop. That's it.

That's a lovely girl. And this way. There we go.

Alley-oop! And again.

And up!( panting )

Now then, this is how you teach them to beg.

You take a morsel of food in the right hand.

Here, Battersea.

Hop, hop. Come on. Hop. That's it.

Now, now, that's a good girl.

Come on. What's that? What is it?

You see, now?

Look at that. See?

Eating out of me hand like a tame mongrel.

That's very good. That's very good is that, you see?

Now, if I leave it, it should stay there.

Wait a minute. Stay there. Stay. Stay.

Stay. Oh!

Here, see? First time.

She fell over. I know.

Hey, give her a chance. She's new to it.

Go on. Stand up, love. That's it.

Stand. Stand. Stand.

Good girl. Good girl. Stay. Oh!

Look at that, see? One finger.

Look at that. Isn't that lovely?

Look at it. Look. See? Now stay.

Now, go, go. Come on. Come on, stay.

Stay.

It's easy, really.

Now I'll sit there with it like that, you see.

And we'll sit and watch the river.

Come on sit. Sit next to her.

Hold the other hand. Sit next to her like that.

That's it. And look out there, you see?

Pretend... Pretend we don't notice that she's doing it too.

That's it. Isn't it lovely?

Leave her.

It's all this sunshine and fresh air.

Gas works on sea.

Do you want us to babysit for her, mister?

No, no.

Well, maybe later, I don't know.

A bit later.

Bye.

Bye, love. ( dog whimpering )

MARK: Goodbye!

Whose silly idea was this anyway?

Yours, I suppose! Oh, yeah.

I haven't got enough to do, I want another stinking mess.

Because I want it out.

Well, what are you closing the door for then?

Oh, so you want the whole house to hear?

Yeah, well, if you think I'm so stupid,

why not let them all know? Yeah, all right.

So it wasn't your idea.

So where'd they get the money from, hey?

Well, where'd you get the money from?

Come on, where'd you get the money from?

We bought it.

MUM: Oh, I can believe that.

Oh, yes, I can just believe that.

It was our own money. And this is my house.

So you can just take that right out again.

MUM: Come on, out.

I don't want any more.

( whimpering )Leave her, leave her!

Now look at that. Another rotten mess.

Well, it's your own fault, pulling it about like that.

What do you expect the thing to do, get up and dance for you?

Here, you. Go tie it up out in the backyard. Come on.

And you, go get a bucket.

Sure.

Do you want me to tan your backside?

Hey?

Fascist.

Now listen, I'm trying to be reasonable.

I don't care where you got it from.

I just want you to take it straight back.

I'm not going to. You've got your new house.

Now what's that got to do with it?

Well, why can't we keep our new dog?

Because you can't.

( whining )

I'm trying to explain to you.

Even if I said you could,

you can't because they don't allow them.

They do.

I'm telling you, there's a big sign up outside

saying, "No animals and no pets. "

They do. I've seen them.

And wash your hands.

Is she calling me a liar?

I don't know why you bother to even talk to them.

Sit down here and have your dinner.

The council don't allow dogs.

They do. We've seen them.

That's it! You can have your dinner when you come back.

We'll soon see who's calling me a liar.

And if I'm right, that bitch goes right back.

Do you understand?

( dramatic theme playing )

Where do you think you're going?

Across the river.

You're getting very grand all of a sudden, ain't you?

We thought-- That's Westminster.

Well, are you coming or aren't you?

( truck engine sputtering )

Now you can read, can't you? Now go on, read it.

Go on, read it. Go on.

"Notice to tenants-- "Yeah, yeah, go on.

"By order of the council-- "Yeah.

"in pursuance of their authority-- "

Yeah, go on, go on.

"and the section four of the Housing Act-- "

Go on, the next bit, the next bit.

Go on. "No pets-- "

Yeah. What? No pets.

Go on read it again. What?

"No pets-- "Yeah.

"of any kind-- "Yeah.

"to be kept, housed-- "

DAD: Yeah, go on. Go on.

( dramatic theme playing )

( both panting )

You're not coming.

Why can't I? Because you're not.

I'm coming.

( opera playing on Victrola )

I say, I say, I say.

What do you say? What do you say?

Is it cruel to stick pins in spiders?

Of course it's cruel to stick spins in spiders.

Then can you tell me why they sew buttons on flies?

I don't wish to know that. Kindly leave the slums.

All right, gentlemen, from the top.

A one, two, three, four.

* Sometimes it wasn't half... *

( mumbling )

* And sometimes... *

That's it.

( whispering ):Three, four, five.

Eight beats rest.

* Sometimes... *

( humming )

* Sometimes... *

( rattling )Give us the dog.

( whimpers )

Oh, well.

Get that mangy, bloody thing

with a leg in each corner out of here.

Go on. All of you, get out.

Go on. Out!

Out of here. I want you out of here.

Out, out.

I thought I told you to go.

( hums )

We've come to live with you.

Why?

We can go basking together.

Really? With Samuel Hall, Samuel Hall.

My name is Samuel Hall, Samuel Hall.

My name is Samuel Hall.

And I hate you one and all.

Hate you one and all.

Glass in your eye.

She's dead, isn't she, mister?

Aye, she's dead. Aye.

She's gone.

Like they all do.

You know, when I was a little boy,

I come home from school one day--

( chuckles )

and I found me folks had moved.

They kept leaving little hints

like wrapping me lunch up in a road map.

You know.

Go on.

Out of the house.

I don't want no more of you or your mongrel.

Go on, out.

I thought we could share her, mister.

It was your money.

You could teach her a few tricks.

Tricks, yeah.

After the funeral.

Funeral.

LIZ: You're lying, aren't you, mister?

There's not going to be no funeral, is there?

Lying?

Oh, lying-- Lying in state...

Lying in state now we get shiny trumpets, you know.

And flowers?

Yeah, bells.

Canterbury bells.

It's a discount for Bella.

Discount for this one.

You've seen them, you know. They dump it all in barges.

Take it out to sea and that's the end of it.

They give you a couple of glasses.

Drink that up with the compliments of the management.

Because you're going under. Heh, heh.

Oh, aye, there's going to be a big funeral, all right.

In Hyde Park?

Aye, in Hyde Park, aye.

It's only been closed 100 years.

They're bound to open up for me.

For old Sam.

I mean, me being the common man, you know.

Counsel and servant of the Queen.

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want, is it?

It's all gone.

Go on, turn around.

* Champagne Charlie is me name *

* Champagne Charlie is me name *

* Game for anything and... *

( humming )

( "Champagne Charlie" playing )

No peeking now.

If you don't find me here when I come back,

it's because I don't want you here. Understand?

No funeral, not like this.

* A sailor was saying farewell To his horse *

* He was saying farewell, Cheerio *

* Oh, a goodbye Mary I'm going away to sea *

* I'm going away to sea to sea To see what I can see *

* And when I come back, Mary *

* And you'll fill me With delight *

* So it's goodbye forever *

* I'll be back tomorrow night *

* Diddly dum-dum-dum *

( humming )

( clattering )( whistle blows )

It's nothing.

I just slipped.

Not enough sawdust.

Mind yourself.

We're not supposed to be here. He doesn't want us.

Ew. He will if there's a funeral.

He doesn't want a funeral.

He does. He's just a little bit upset, that's all.

( "Champagne Charlie" playing )

You mustn't.

Got to, for the bus.

Put this back.

I'm going to write him a note explaining.

I say, I say, I say.

What would you like, sir?

Hm?

I'll have a large, I say.

Well?

Nothing.

Not a sign.

Well, he must have said something.

Nothing, I told you.

( James crying )

Oh, shut him up.

Feed him or whatever it is you have to do.

They'll be home when they're hungry.

Where the hell did they get the little bleeder anyway?

Oh, I thought that was supposed to be my fault.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

What difference does it make where they got it from, eh?

The kids could be dead in Oxford Lane.

And all you think about is their bloody dog.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

Go traipsing around the bloody streets all night?

Yes, I do.

( eerie theme playing )

Are you coming?

Give us it then.

( cat meowing )

Cowardy. I'm not.

Coming?

Nothing to be frightened of.

( bird cawing )

( indistinct chatter )

How's things?

Getting terrible.

Oh, go on. ( whimpering )

( whimpering )

( cat meowing )

MARK:I don't like it.

It's only because you haven't eaten.

It's just dark and dead dogs.

It can't hurt you.

Where are we going to bury it?

Over there?

No, they'll see us.

( yawning )

Here, here.

They tell me you've been hanging around with my kids.

And don't say you haven't, because they've seen you.

And what about this note, eh?

Eh? Oh.

Now don't muck about.

I asked you, where are they?

Where are they?

How did you find him?

A fellow in a pub.

Hey, what do you reckon to his story?

Well, I seen him around.

I'll tell you this.

If anything's happened to my kids...

If there's a spare plot in your cemetery, I'm going to bury him.

Me-la-nie.

Melanie.

Come on, grandpa.

On your way, sailor.

Come on. I told you.

People down there trying to sleep.

I'll set her on you.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, now what?

It's like burst veins.

I can't stand up.

I can't stand up.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, get off my bike!

Nice night for a walk.

DAD: Is this the place? POLICE: Come on, grandpa.

UNDERTAKER: I'll just unlock the gates.

Here, you look after her.

Oh, you're worried about her now, eh?

Look mate, if this is a wild goose chase...

( Sam mumbling indistinctly )

Come on, forget it.

Wild geese, very tasty.

I like a nice goose.

It's the hair that keeps them warm.

You must be lovely and cosy.

Oh.

Oh, what a stupid place for him to bring the kids.

UNDERTAKER: Oh, he shouldn't have brought them in, in here.

Honestly, when I get my hands on those two, I'll...

Oh, I don't know.

There's nothing more we can do here.

Well, what about the note I left for them out there?

Well, they could be lost anywhere.

The park's a big place.

No use hanging around here.

POLICE: Anything? Nothing.

What do you want to do?

Looks as if he's settled in for the night.

I'll stick around a bit just in case.

If you could get a message to the wife.

Do you want me to stay around?

No, no, I'll be all right.

I wish you joy of him.

Oh, it's you, is it?

What makes you think they're coming back?

I don't think, mate.

They're your kids, not mine.

You're staying awake.

I asked you something.

You're very strong, aren't you?

Very strong.

Must be all that hard work you do.

What for?

People like you who bring kids into the world,

don't know what they're all about.

All you can say is, "No, no, you can't. "

"No, don't do that. Don't do that, you can't. "

You can.

That's what it's all about, mate. You can.

It's not filling their bellies up with the bread and butter.

What about a bit of bread and butter up here?

That's where they need it, you know.

A little bit of the old glass ball.

A bit of magic.

A bit of dream boats going on in here.

Tell a person like you that, I may as well tell them

to clean their teeth with a whitewash brush.

Now look here, if you interfere with my needs again,

I'll give you a swift kick in the gobbles

that'll bring tears to your eyes, twice nightly.

All right. I'm throwing in the curtains and going to kip.

( Battersea barks )

( upbeat theme playing )

Where the hell have you been?

Come on.

Your mum's worried sick about you.

( birds chirping )

( tender theme playing )

Quick, catch up. They're getting away.

When I grow up, I want to be a soldier.

Why, you like fighting?

No, I just want a horse.