Original subtitles

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

[horns honking]

MAN: I need more retweets or I'll never get hired at Hollister.

Your Klout goes at the top of your rezzie, brah.

Did you see what I posted today? "Garfield fucks!"

[laughing]

But I only got three fucking retwats.

You gotta spot me for a bot army‐‐

[squeaks]

‐ I know what you're gonna say.

‐ That you shouldn't be shrinking people down anymore?

‐ He deserved it.

‐ Yeah, he did. He was a real yutz.

‐ Wait, you aren't all freaked out about the Wall stuff anymore?

‐ Eh, policing you is like a whole second job.

This year, I'm focusing on what makes me happy.

I'm getting my realtor's license.

‐ You're sure you're not gonna be on my ass about this later?

‐ I just can't believe you're still shrinking people down.

It's tired. ‐ Not to me.

It's my favorite part of our whole thing.

They had an awesome little war in there.

Ah, I'm gonna keep doing it.

‐ Whatevs.

[screams]

‐ Ooh!

[rattling, rumbling]

[grunting] Ow!

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

Some animals are pets, but they‐‐ they eat animals,

and other animals they don't eat, they train them to play basketball.

like Air Bud Dog.

How come you can't just eat any animal.

♪

‐ Terry, get down here. Your fries are losing heat due to entropy.

‐ Man, you can throw those fries up a butt.

I don't need 'em. ‐ What's with the untucked shirt?

You think you're fancier than us?

‐ Yeah, man. That's why I'm going to a fabulous dinner party.

‐ Why wasn't I asked? ‐ What? I didn't get invited.

‐ Uh, maybe because you guys hate people, parties, and going outside,

plus you don't even have button‐down shirts.

‐ Still nice to be asked.

You and I haven't had a night out in a long time.

Not since we went to that Chronicles of Riddick singalong at the Bowl.

What the hell, you're going too?

‐ I'm going to meet some rich old guys

and get them to leave their wives for some hot Black Mirror action.

‐ But I slaved away ordering all this from Hulu Luau.

You wanna waste a whole roasted pig and these fire wands?

‐ Sorry. Me and the Pupa are performing tonight.

We are a musical dyad.

‐ As team leader, I should be included in all things,

which I why I demand that we all be invited to this dinnering party.

‐ No! I‐I can't add a plus one so late in the day, let alone a plus two.

‐ Then I will activate the Earth Eraser, and we can all get turned into dust.

EARTH ERASER: All matter will be atomized

in five, four, three... ‐ Okay. Jesus fucking Christ,

I added you to the RSVP. ‐ two and a half...

two‐‐ ‐ You've sufficiently cramped my style.

‐ Good. We shall leave in an hour.

I need to apply darker blue makeup

to... everywhere under my robe.

‐ Man, we gotta throw out that Earth Eraser.

EARTH ERASER: Try and die, bitch.

‐ D‐d‐does my shirt look okay? Is‐is‐is it untucked enough?

‐ Yeah, man. Relax.

But remember, don't be yourself in there.

These people want you to have a good time.

‐ Shut up! I know that.

[jazz music playing on speakers] [people laughing]

‐ Smell my peen!

They grow the grapes in Brooklyn in the middle of a Montessori preschool.

‐ Uh, yes, smells like, uh, wine.

Uh, uh, congratulations on your procurement of‐of the bottle.

‐ Wine? Who calls a Greenpoint Pinot "wine"?

‐ Oh, man, ah, he's just kidding.

Korvo would never do that.

‐ It's from Brooklyn. Brooklyn!

‐ Brooklyn? BOTH: Brooklyn!

‐ Never been to Brooklyn, but I‐I‐I once chased

a mechanoid around Jupiter's moons.

‐ What a weird thing to say. Nobody cares about that.

We're talking about Brooklyn.

[softly] You're the one who demanded to come.

Could you at least try to be social? [gooblers chattering loudly]

‐ I am trying.

Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

♪ ominous music playing ♪

‐ Hi there. I'm Mia. Welcome to the Wall.

Hola, me llamo Mia.

Bienvenidos a la Pared.

‐ Um, I speak English. ‐ Oh, goody!

I'm the Wall Greeter. Fresh lemonade?

‐ What is going on here? ‐ Shh! It's okay.

I know it seems overwhelming,

but you have nothing to be afraid of.

An alien boy shrank you down and put you in a terrarium

he keeps hidden in his bedroom wall.

‐ What the fuck! ‐ Our world used to be a terrible place,

full of violence and starvation.

The Wall was divided into levels, all run by a cruel dictator:

The Duke.

But then, Tim, a brilliant, fearless warrior led a resistance

that rose up against The Duke.

They fought a bloody war.

We lost many friends that evening.

But we also gained heroes.

We have many to thank for their sacrifices,

but none more than Cherie,

who lost her life slaying The Duke.

We're going to celebrate her with the first annual Cherie Day soon.

There's a feast and a parade, and everyone gets one lick

of our giant sugar cube.

‐ You people have a whole world in here?

‐ Yes. And you will too.

Look at this as a chance for a brand‐new life.

What have you always dreamed of doing?

‐ Um, I guess I've always wanted to design clothes.

Oh, my god, I've never said that out loud before.

‐ Perfect! Let me put in your first order.

I need a dress for Cherie Day.

I'm about a jellybean and a half tall.

‐ Donna Langley! ‐ Hey, Terry, come here.

We're playing inside baseball Hollywood executive Celebrity.

‐ Too easy.

David Nevins. Come on. Let's take the bumpers off.

‐ Yumyulack, you're up. ‐ And go.

‐ I don't know who the fuck this is.

‐ Pass and go to the next one.

‐ Okay, uh, this person's name sounds like a demon.

‐ Did they reinvent TV on DVD?

‐ You didn't know Doug Herzog?

[all laugh]

‐ ♪ Na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Batman ♪

[applause]

[sighs] Look,

we got a lot of applause out there, but it was 100 percent gratuitous.

I don't wanna point fingers at the weak link here,

but you were way off.

Get your shit together, Pupes!

[sighs]

‐ How the fuck were we supposed to know Debbie Liebling?

How about we play Celebrities from the home world, huh?

Here's one. This Shlorpian invented heated goo?

‐ Uh, uh‐‐ Zelgar. ‐ Yes! Point for us.

‐ Uh, this party just got real lame about two seconds ago.

‐ Yeah, I think it was when Craig started to explain the David S. Pumpkins sketch.

‐ Korvo, man, uh, how about you guys just go on and get out of here.

You're, uh, kinda ruining the vibe.

‐ We're ruining the vibe?

Did you not hear Jamie try to do his impression of a train?

[gasps] ‐ Look, you apologize to him right now!

‐ You can all go smell peen in hell!

‐ How dare you! [door slams]

A good peen would never survive in that heat anyway.

[knocking on door]

‐ Hey, welcome to the Wall.

I'm Steve, the nutritionist.

Here's your produce for the day.

Fresh blueberries and cherry tomatoes.

‐ Wow, these are gorgeous.

‐ Well, I grew them myself from seeds we pulled out of a KIND bar.

Enjoy.

[children giggling]

Heya, Halk. Here are you "nutes."

‐ Wow, Steve. These look great.

You've really got a green thumb. ‐ Oh, come on.

I'm nothing compared to a war hero like you.

‐ Oh, well, I don't like to dwell on those days.

‐ Well, I'll never forget how many people you pulled out from under those Nerds.

So many of my friends who could have died that day

are around because of you.

I brought you something special.

‐ Aw, Steve is really growing the hell out of those KIND bar seeds.

Mm, mm.

This... Uh!

This is the best thing in the Wall.

‐ That strawberry is the best thing in here?

‐ Yep. Nothing better.

‐ Nothing in your life is better than a berry?

‐ Mm. I can't think of anything.

‐ Such a shame, 'cause I was gonna give you this.

‐ Oh, Halk!

‐ I had this whole speech about how I wanna spend the rest of my tiny life

with the woman with the biggest heart.

‐ Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[both moan]

Although I do love that strawberry.

KORVO: I hate dinner parties.

Why couldn't that have just been a regular party

where people think I'm eccentric?

‐ Let's go home and get that DNA melter from the ship

and melt them all into flesh pudding.

‐ No, they'll just throw another dinner party

and make fun of us for using a melter that isn't from Brooklyn.

‐ I wish we could melt all dinner parties and just be done with it.

‐ Oh, driver, take us to the poorest, crookedest senator in the country.

There's an extra billion dollars in it for you

if you get us there by morning.

‐ You got it, bub.

You know, we cabbies used to run this city,

but then Uber‐‐ ‐ Two billion if we go in silence.

‐ See, the thing about Uber is that they don't care about their drivers.

‐ Damn it. ‐ And they don't pay 'em enough.

They have to work five times‐‐

♪ peppy music playing ♪

[machine whirring, coins clattering]

[inaudible dialogue]

[inaudible]

♪

[camera shutters clicking]

‐ Whee‐hee‐hee!

What the‐‐

♪ dramatic musical flourish ♪

Nooooo!

KORVO: Now that dinner parties are against the law,

we are the only people that can enforce it.

Right here. Us. So get excited. Get pumped.

We're the best of the best.

We're looking for get‐togethers, white elephants, housewarmings.

If it's not a rager, it could be a crime.

‐ Drinks and apps? Cuff 'em, boys.

KORVO: Infant carrots, that will get you three to five.

Add a dip? You're looking at life.

[cocks shotgun] Let's ride.

♪ tense music playing ♪

‐ They're just having a drink. Seems legit.

KORVO: Looks like we can move on.

Wait! The host just pulled a lasagna from the oven.

‐ Move! Move! Move! [people gasp]

[woman screams]

[grunts]

‐ Smile for the papers.

[camera shutter clicks]

♪

‐ Check out these nets I got to catch people.

This one's big enough to nab two regular‐sized perps or five vegans.

‐ Do you know what I just read in this spinning newspaper?

‐ Family Circus is still going. How is that possible?

All of those kids should be dead.

‐ No. That you two are being dicks!

‐ No, Terry, we're doing our jobs.

‐ I‐I told you not to come to the dinner party.

You made me bring you.

‐ And now we're just upholding the law.

‐ And soon we'll get to use excessive force.

[cocks shotgun] ‐ No, we don't. Stop that.

Terry, I recommend you steer clear of dinner parties,

for your own good.

‐ You don't intimidate me.

I ain't never gonna even think about stop dinner partying.

‐ Careful, Terry. I might be your team leader,

but when I'm wearing this badge, you're talking to the law.

‐ Okay. Well, then I guess you better suck my butt,

Officer Asshole!

‐ Who the hell is this slut?

You're performing our routine behind my back.

‐ Hi, Jesse.

‐ You know what, you can have our boring old routine.

I'm going to be a star without you.

[door slams] ‐ Bye, Jesse.

[slurping]

‐ Lady B, what are we doing?

We don't need a leash in the park.

Oh. Here.

[screeches]

[chittering] [leaves rustling]

You silly.

[cries]

[woman gasps]

[screams]

‐ Is any of this Impossible meat?

I only eat Impossible Foods now.

‐ No, all this food is extremely possible. ‐ Gross.

‐ Oh, hey, we're just gonna donate this bottle of prosecco

and breakdancing board to... to Costco, okay?

That's all.

[door opens, closes]

‐ I smell a dinner party.

[Velcro rips]

Let's ride. [cocks shotgun]

[people chattering]

Now!

Dinner Party Police! Drop your cheese knives.

‐ Is there a problem, officers?

There's no dinner parties happening here.

This sports bar is just selling alcohol with the occasional opioid.

‐ Uh, sorry.

Bad intel.

‐ We're clear.

[machinery whirring, clanking]

♪ disco music playing on speakers ♪

‐ Handstand. Flip. Round and round.

[grunts] And doing it... Slide... And doing it.

YUMYULACK: A whole sports bar in a residential house?

They can never get a permit for that.

‐ We've been duped by sci‐fi. And sci‐fi is our area.

Terry's area is knowing all the housewives of various regions.

‐ Time to use excessive force?

‐ No. We're just gonna have to fight sci‐fi

[gadget whines] with sci‐fi.

‐ That uses excessive force!

‐ Stop saying that!

Wow! Give a man a badge and it really goes right to his head.

These E‐cogs can sense when an E‐vite is going out

before it's even sent.

Their brains are attached to the internet,

and I used the same algorithm Amazon uses

to know when you're gonna purchase something.

[E‐cogs gasp] Dinner party detected.

It's in such an early stage that the host is still deciding

between cute background images.

‐ Dancing hot dogs?

That's dinner party bullshit, if I've ever heard it.

[both cock shotguns]

Oh, oh, can we put shotgun shells in these?

‐ I said no! They're just for dramatic effect,

which you just ruined, so we have to do it again.

[both cock shotguns]

[jetpacks whooshing]

Uh!

[laughing]

[cats mewing]

[mewing]

Goddammit!

What the hell are those invitations for?

‐ I don't know, man. Why don't you ask your E‐cogs?

Or do they only work on E‐vites?

‐ I've been going easy on you because I'm your mission leader.

Don't make me come down on you.

‐ Do your worst... Officer.

‐ Permission to use excessive force!

‐ Oh, finally.

‐ What the [bleep] is that?

[clears throat] [bleeping]

Sorry, Bleep Bug in my throat.

[creatures snarling, growling]

‐ I grew these Napadoodles using techno‐organic material.

They can sense cheese plates

and Cards Against Humanity from miles away.

Plus, they're hypoallergenic.

‐ You've forced my hand.

Release your unholy creations.

‐ You wanna go for a walk, yeah? You want walkies?

You want walkies? Good girls, good girls.

♪ soft jazz music playing on loudspeaker ♪

[laughter] ‐ Oooh! Brie cups with apple butter?

[gasps] Are these from Brooklyn?

[glass shatters] [people screaming]

[growling]

[gasps]

[screams]

Ah, ah, ah!

[bottle clinks]

[bottles clinking]

‐ We're turning people into wine?

I‐I‐I think we've gone too far.

‐ Exactly. It's excessive force.

These people love wine. Look how happy they are on the labels.

[watch beeping] A new E‐vite.

‐ Wait!

Oh, no, Terry and Jesse just replied as maybes on this.

W‐we can't let them get bottled. They're our crew.

Yumyulack, I‐I‐I order you to call off the doodles.

‐ I can't call them off. Once a Napadoodle senses party prep, it's over.

‐ My gray god!

‐ Thanks for coming, Halk. We really need your help.

‐ These kind of things don't happen in here anymore.

Not since... the war.

‐ Oh, Steve.

I'm not sure I can help.

I didn't know him that well. He worked on the farming level.

‐ We need your expertise.

You're the only one qualified enough to help us with a murder investigation.

‐ Come on, you're a war hero. You've got the stomach for this.

Plus, you were an Executive Story Editor on Bones.

What is that, by the way? ‐ An ESE? It's just a level of writer.

Look, I only got hired on that show because I wrote a Law and Order spec,

not because I'm an actual detective.

‐ I‐I'm sure you picked things up when you ripped stories from the headlines.

We have a theory. Big ol' cricket got into the Wall

and killed poor Steve.

HALK: You think a cricket did this?

‐ Those bastards make music with their legs.

Who knows what else they're capable of.

‐ If you think it's a cricket, why do you need me?

‐ Because Tim asked for you specifically.

You're a war hero.

The announcement will sound better coming from you.

‐ [sighs] I'm sorry, guys,

but I have a life of my own.

Good luck finding that cricket.

[tires screeching]

[line ringing]

TERRY: Yello! ‐ Terry, listen to me!

Yumyulack created huge Napadoodles that turn criminals into wine.

Do not go into that dinner party.

‐ Oh, I would never dreeeeeam of breaking the law.

And you can totally record this conversation.

‐ No, T‐Terry, this is not a trick. Oh, damnit!

[tires squealing]

‐ You guys! Guess what?

I sci‐fi disguised this house to look like a Radio Shack

so no one will ever go in it.

[glass shatters, Napadoodles growling]

[bottle clinks]

[screaming]

Ohh!

Ahh!

‐ Run!

[growling]

I left NPR on in the truck. Th‐th‐they must have been drawn to it.

‐ And I have baby carrots in my pocket.

‐ What the shit are you doing? Get rid of them.

[snarling]

That's not gonna hold them long. Quick, grab the scooter made from birds.

[chiming]

[growling]

Ugh, human battery power is so weak.

Why haven't they discovered how to harness the power of love yet?

[growling]

[both yelp]

No. Hole Foods?

This is like a mega dinner party.

We're surrounded by people eating organic samples

and recommending podcasts to each other.

‐ Ooh, have you heard Slow Burn.

‐ I gave up on it. Wait, stop it!

[glass shatters]

[man screaming]

We have to mask the dinner party scent.

[all shouting]

[people screaming]

‐ Come on!

[screaming]

[Napadoodles growling]

‐ The smell of cake will confuse the doodles into thinking

that I'm at a birthday gathering, which is technically not a dinner party.

‐ And‐and I'm disguising my scent with lonely single person food.

‐ Speaking of lonely single people, I‐I lied earlier.

‐ Aah! You think Speed 2: Cruise Control is better than Speed.

‐ Only reason I outlawed dinner parties is because

you were leaving me alone all the time.

‐ What about Yumyulack? He could have kept you company.

‐ He's a narc, and he chews too loud. ‐ Oh, yeah, no, he sucks.

[growling]

[clinking]

‐ The truth is,

[woman screaming] I don't hate dinner parties.

I hate not having dinner with you, dummy.

We used to socialize, we used to have a life.

What happened to us? ‐ Streamium TV happened, man.

We stopped going out because the movie stars came to us.

‐ You're right. The siren call of Josh Hartnett

on our 50‐inch flatty is impossible to resist.

‐ I'm sorry, Korv.

I was so busy impressing those dinner partiers

that I barely knew I didn't make time to party with you.

‐ Terry, I say we seal our apologies with a kiss.

‐ Mm. ‐ Nice.

[roars]

[growling]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[both sigh]

‐ Have you ever played Apples to Apples?

[roars]

[whimpers]

‐ Jesse, Pupes, I thought you weren't speaking.

‐ Listen, when people start getting smushed into wine

you forget your artistic differences real quick.

‐ Woo‐woo‐woo!

JESSE: Plus his new slut partner was devoured by a Napadoodle.

KORVO: Let's hover this board to DC and overturn that law.

‐ I'm coming, too, right behind you.

[scooter beeps]

Aw, goddammit!

[people screaming]

HALK: Don't let go.

Don't let go. Come on!

[screaming]

‐ Baby. Baby, wake up. You're having that dream again, okay.

Honey, look at me. Look at me.

You saved so many.

‐ But not everyone.

‐ You did as much as you could.

‐ Am I doing as much as I can now?

‐ I know those Walldermen want you to get involved,

but that's not your life anymore.

Now is your time to be at home... with me.

‐ What kind of home is this if you aren't safe enough to walk in the mushroom park.

I gotta help them with this investigation.

‐ But the nightmares. Are you sure it's a good idea?

‐ I'll be safe. And I'll make sure everyone here is safe.

And, hey, it's probably just a cricket.

[machine whirring, coins clattering]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

♪ peppy music playing ♪

♪

‐ Okay, okay! Blue skin, always rambling about how her replicants walked

after only seven minutes of being planted.

‐ Oh, you're talking about Zamulon.

She thinks her replicants are all that, even though they ain't.

‐ And time. [bell rings]

‐ All right! I love this game.

‐ Okay. Think I got everyone in the neighborhood.

‐ What are you doing with that people wine?

‐ What do you think I'm doing with it?

‐ Freezing it to make wine cubes? ‐ What?

I'm returning them back into their human forms.

‐ Why the change of heart.

‐ No law, no criminals.

I only like capturing bad people because I'm a bounty hunter.

Bounty hunters gotta bounty, you know.

‐ I had no idea that this people‐wine situation could be reversed.

Had I known, we would have done this a lot sooner.

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ So much sooner.

[slurping]

[growling]

[burps, growls]

[bottles clinking]

[hisses, retches]

‐ You know, we should do this more often.

ZOE: Oh, this was fun.

Send me the link to that thing.

‐ Knock, knock!

[gasps] Hello, flare pants.

‐ Ha ha ha! I will make some just for you, Mia.

‐ Um, yes, please.

I'm actually poking my little beak in to check on Declan,

see how he's liking the new gig.

‐ Who? ‐ Declan! The new guy.

‐ There is no Declan.

No one new has reported here.

‐ Oops. He must have gotten lost.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

♪

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

[imitating laser fire]