Original subtitles

Hey, morning, Grady.

Look, I just got a card from Pop,

and he's still in St. Louis.

He says to tell you that he misses you

and that everything is fine,

and he wants to thank you for the nice way

that you're taking care of his only son, and he...

Did you hear what I said?

Look at this news.

Have you been keeping up with this women's lib stuff?

No. What's going on?

It says here that some lady up in Sacramento

burned her bra in a pubic place.

That's "public" place, Grady.

Oh.

Can you imagine that,

burning your bra in a public place?

Yeah, well, a lot of women are doing that nowadays.

Yeah, and next, they'll be burning their drawers.

I don't know what's getting into these women of today.

You know, women used to be ladies.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, Grady,

they still are.

No, they're not.

They go around smoking them little cigars,

and they don't smooth their dresses out behind

when they sit down anymore.

And they wear those Seymour clothes.

What kind of clothes?

Seymour.

You know, you see more of them than you do clothes.

My mother wasn't like that. My mother was a lady,

and I don't care how much she wanted to protest,

she never would have burned her bloomers.

Well, look, Grady,

times have changed since your mother's day, man.

Women don't want to be known

for just staying at home and having babies and cooking.

Well, if the lord had have wanted women

to do something other than cook and have babies,

he would have made them men.

Grady, that's not even what I'm talking about.

Now, just sit down here.

I want to tell you something.

Just sit down.

Now, do you know the main difference

between a man and a woman?

You don't know?

Oh, Lord, I think

your father's going to have to talk to you.

I'm not even talking about sex.

It's impossible to have an intelligent conversation

with you.

Get me some milk for my cereal, please?

Well, I just think

you're taking the side of them women libbers,

that's all.

Is that what you're doing,

just taking the side of them women libbers?

Grady, I'm not taking nobody's side, man.

I'm just trying to let you know where they're coming from,

that's all.

Well, I might not know where they're coming from,

but I know where they ought to go.

They ought to be at home, in the woman's domain.

Yeah, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen, I suppose?

No, barefoot, naked, and in the boudoir.

You know what?

You're a dirty old man. Yes, you are.

And all the time,

I thought you were a clean old man.

I'll be a clean old man when I'm a dead old man.

Now, will you get the door, please,

while I finish reading this terrible news?

I can't even eat my breakfast.

Just a minute. I'm coming.

Uncle Woodrow.

Can I come in, Lamont?

You already did.

Oh. Thanks, Lamont.

Who is it, Lamont?

It's Uncle Woodrow.

Who?

Uncle Woodrow.

That's what I thought you said.

Say, Grady, what are you doing?

Your father left me in charge,

and he said if your Uncle Woodrow came around

that I was to hide the booze from Woody the Wino.

I don't want a drink, Grady.

You don't?

No, no, that's not what's on my mind.

I got trouble.

Trouble? Yeah.

Well, come over here, sit down, take your hat off,

and tell me about it, Uncle Woody.

Hey, man, what are you doing with the suitcase?

You going somewhere?

Yeah, I'm going somewhere.

Your Aunt Esther kicked me out of the house.

What did she do, catch you

coming out of one of them massage parlors again?

Grady!

Go ahead, Uncle Woody. Tell me what happened, man.

See, I was out all night drinking and celebrating,

and when I got home this morning,

Esther had set all my clothes out

in this suitcase and wouldn't let me in.

Well, what were you celebrating?

Our 27th wedding anniversary.

Alone?

Yeah.

Uncle... Uncle Woody,

why didn't you take Aunt Esther

celebrating with you?

Because Esther's idea of having a good time

is staying at home

watching Reverend Ike on television.

Well, it looks like

you're in the doghouse this time, Uncle Woody.

What are you planning on doing?

I don't know yet.

I guess I'll just have to stay here a while.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope, nope.

What do you mean, "nope, nope, nope"?

One of the things your father said

was "no boarders,"

and I'm very sorry, Woody.

I don't know why I came over here.

I guess it was fate that brought me to your door.

And I guess it's Grady

that's going to take you out the door.

Stop it. Now, look, Uncle Woody,

you just sit here and make yourself comfortable,

and we're going to go in there

and make some coffee, all right?

Okay, Lamont.

Get over in the kitchen.

Yeah, just don't get too comfortable.

Don't be telling my relatives...

That's my relative in there.

Do you know what your father said?

Every time I say something, you always...

Now, what's the matter with you, Grady?

Woody's my favorite uncle.

We just can't throw him in the street.

Your father said

that he didn't want any winos in this house,

and I happen to know that Woody is the Wino King of Watts.

All right, so let us assume that he's going to stay here.

Where is he going to sleep?

He can sleep in my room.

And you sleep with me? Oh, no. I heard about them toenails.

All right, I'll sleep on the sofa. Are you satisfied?

All right, all right, but tomorrow, Woody's got go.

Locked me out of my own house after 27 years.

Can you imagine?

Say, look here, Uncle Woody.

Say, look here, man. We done talked about it,

and it'd be cool if you stay here

until you get everything straightened out at home.

I'm going to go upstairs and fix up my room,

and you can sleep there, all right?

Oh, thank you, Lamont, thank you,

and thank you too, Grady.

Bless you both. Now I can breathe easy.

Well, just don't breathe my way.

Uh, say, Grady, I was thinking,

would it be possible to get a little shot of something?

Just a little toddy for my body, you know?

That body is so shoddy it don't need no toddy.

Now, look, you don't understand, Grady.

Now, what if you'd been married to Esther for 27 years,

and then all of a sudden,

it's all over and no more Esther?

Now, what would you do, huh?

I'd celebrate and get drunk.

All right. Come on.

You can have a little taste.

I'll do it, thank you.

Grady, would you believe I never used to drink

before I married Esther?

You know, Woody, I hate to tell you this,

but you had to be drunk to marry Esther.

No, I'm serious, Grady.

Now, listen. I love that woman.

It was love at first sight.

Now I know you was drunk.

Drunk on the wine of love.

I love that woman, Grady.

I love her, and I miss her already.

Woody, Woody, please don't do that.

You're making a damn fool out of yourself.

I can't help it.

Sure you can.

It's cream puffs like you

that are letting these women get away with all that stuff.

Now, if you had any backbone,

you'd march right back over to your house

and put Esther in her proper place.

Where's that?

On the receiving end of your foot.

Now, move over and let me fix you...

Give you another drink here,

and I'll help you get your battle plan together.

See that? Now, you've got to remember one thing.

You got to be the only one in the house

to wear the pants.

Now, are you a man or a cream puff?

Pour me another shot and I'll tell you.

A man.

Yeah, well, that's it.

That's the way to go.

That's what I want you to do.

Now, sit down.

Now, see, Woody,

you got to get a firm grip on Esther.

Now, I've been reading in the paper

about how these women are trying to take over.

Now, we've got to stop them.

We've got to maintain control.

Now, what if it don't work on Esther?

There's different strokes for different folks.

Do you want me to help you or not?

Aren't you tired of being a cream puff?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Well, say it.

I am tired of being a cream puff.

Louder.

I am tired of being a cream puff!

Yeah. That's it. That's the way. Yeah.

Have another drink.

That's the attitude I want you to keep up,

and I want you to have that attitude all...

I'm not going to be a cream puff anymore!

Don't be no cream puff!

Yeah! A cream puff, am I?

Yeah, put her where you want her.

That's a good idea. Wait till I get home.

What?

Your room is ready, Uncle Woodrow.

And I'm going to sleep in it too.

Now, give me my suitcase.

What?

Would you get me my suitcase?

You heard your uncle. Will you get him his suitcase?

The door, please.

The what?

The door!

Will you get the door, please?

Thank you, Grady, for everything,

and here I go.

Charge!

Hey, Grady, you got my lunch ready?

Oh, hi, Lamont. Yeah.

That's what I call perfect timing.

I just finished your sandwich.

Now, have a seat and get into it.

What is it?

Well, now, that's peanut butter and liverwurst

on a toasted bagel with a touch of mayo.

S... sounds great.

Say, listen, have you heard anything

from Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody?

No, I still haven't, as a matter of fact,

but if Woody takes my advice,

he'll have peace of mind.

If Woody takes your advice, he'll have eternal peace,

because Aunt Esther will kill him.

Grady, you've got to learn

to stay out of family affairs, man,

especially this family's.

Well, Dear Abby got rich meddling in family affairs.

Then why don't you get the door, Abby?

Yeah, okay. Say, if you get thirsty,

there's some Hawaiian Punch in the refrigerator

to go along with your peanut butter

and liverwurst on the toasted bagel.

Uh...

Uh... Hi, uh... Esther, fool.

Grady Wilson, I'm so mad at you

I could jump down your throat and stomp your liver.

Well, now, I'm not in the habit of fighting women,

but in your case, I'll make an exception.

That did it.

Throw up your hands, you old buzzard.

I'll teach you...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Now, wait a minute.

Now, come over here and sit down.

I'm a Christian woman, Lamont.

I know that.

I live by the book.

I know, Aunt Esther.

People take advantage of me.

I know that.

It's a shame.

Now, would you just relax?

Now, tell me what happened.

Woodrow locked me out is what happened.

No...

And it was all his idea. You old goat!

Maa!

Grady... now, you just stop that.

Now, go ahead, Aunt Esther.

Tell me what happened.

When I got back

from visiting the sick and the shut-ins,

my bag was packed and set on the porch.

Woodrow had locked and bolted the door

and wouldn't let me in.

Little Uncle Woodrow did that?

But he's such a pussycat.

A pussycat who got turned into a snaggletoothed tiger.

All I did was speak to him man to man.

All you did was speak to him creep to creep,

you creep!

Now, just wait a minute. Now, wait a minute.

Now, there's got to be a sensible solution to this.

There certainly is,

and I'm staying right here

until this mess is cleared up.

And I think that that is fair.

Oh, no. Nope, nope, nope.

What do you mean, "nope, nope, nope"?

I mean she can't stay here

because there isn't any room.

That's what they told the baby Jesus,

but they found him a place.

Okay, I'll build you a little manger

out in the backyard.

And I'll get you some sheep to sleep with.

Why, you dirty...

Aunt Esther! Now, never mind.

Now, come here, Aunt Esther.

Now, look.

Now, you can go upstairs and you can stay in my room.

The linen has already been changed.

Now, wait a minute, Lamont.

I don't think your father would approve of this.

Go on up there

and make yourself comfortable, hear?

Thank you, baby.

Now, just listen.

Don't you go in my room by mistake,

because if I pull back them covers

and see you, I might have a stroke and die.

Grady Wilson,

I wouldn't go in your room to save my mama's life.

And another thing,

when you talk to that worm Woodrow,

you tell him his behind is grass and I am the lawnmower.

I'll bust his skull.

I'll run into him like a hobo run into a freight train.

See what you did? Just see what you did.

Look what you've done now.

What I've done? I haven't done nothing.

Yeah, thanks to you,

now we got Sister Ike staying with us.

You mean thanks to you,

and it's all your fault, Grady.

You should have minded your own business.

Woodrow made it my business

when he came over here this morning.

Grady, you should know by now

to stay out of family affairs,

especially my family's.

Just stay out of it.

I've got it. I've got an idea.

Oh, no.

I've got me a little plan.

Yes, indeedy, I've got me a little plan.

Now what are you doing?

Just you wait and see. I've got me a little plan.

Grady Wilson, you are a genius.

Hello, Woody? Yeah, this is Grady.

Well, yeah, I told you it would work.

She's over here right now just bawling like a baby.

You ought to see her.

Yeah. "Woodrow, Woodrow, I wants my Woodrow."

Now, Woody, would I lie to you?

So I'm telling you, Woody, she's yours if you want her.

She'll be eating out of the palm of your hand.

Listen, just wash your hands and get on over here.

Now, what did you do that for?

If Woodrow comes over here

expecting Aunt Esther to be meek,

she's liable to knock him down.

One down and one to go.

You're going to be sorry you did this, Grady Wilson.

Mark my words.

You're going to be sorry you did this.

Aunt Minnie, Aunt Flossie!

Hello, Lamont.

Baby. How are you?

What's the matter? What are you all doing here?

We're here looking for our poor sweet sister.

We just left her house,

and Woody the worm said he put her out,

and we figured she'd be over here.

So we came over here as fast as we could.

All right. Just... Just make yourself at home here.

Aunt Esther!

What is it, baby?

Aunt Minnie and Aunt Flossie are here to see you.

Flossie! Minnie!

Baby, don't be upset.

We've come to take care of the whole thing.

Don't worry, Esther. He does not...

We'll take care of Woodrow.

That's right.

He ain't going to get away with it.

It wasn't all Woodrow's fault. Grady put him up to this.

Grady did?

That's right.

He put all this wickedness in his head

by getting him drunk.

There ain't enough liquor in this house

to get Woodrow drunk.

It's all your fault. Let's beat the hell out of him.

Wait a minute! Don't... Wait a minute!

Now, just wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute. Please, ladies.

Now, just sit down.

Yeah, sit down!

We ain't sitting down!

And you stay out of this, Grady Wilson!

This whole thing is your fault.

My fault?

They're the ones that are resorting to violence,

and as the late J. Edgar Hoover said,

"Violence must be met by violence."

Just wait a minute!

Now, nobody move.

I said nobody move!

The craziest house I ever seen. I should go to St. Louis.

Uncle Woodrow.

Woodrow! Woodrow!

Did I hear somebody calling Woodrow?

Yeah, that was your maker calling you to his bosom,

and your tombstone is ready.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

Now, there'll be no killing in this house!

That's right. Take him outside. Don't kill him in here.

I don't want no blood on these rugs.

Say, Grady, I thought you said

she would be eating out of the palm of my hand.

Here I washed my hands for nothing!

Is that what you told him, sucker?

I was only trying to help him out.

Come on, Woodrow,

this is where the cream puff meets the battle ax.

Who are you calling a battle ax, chump?

Yeah, who are you calling a battle ax, chump?

Well, let me see.

There's one, two, three. Take your choice.

Woodrow, are you going to stand here

and let this hairy ape call me a battle ax?

Now, wait just a minute, hairy ape.

This battle ax happens to be my wife!

Talk to him, Woodrow.

Now, you can't talk to my wife like that.

I'm sorry about all this, Esther, baby.

I'm sorry too, Woodrow lambie-pie.

Grady was the old serpent

that tried to cast me out

of my Garden of Eden.

Yeah, Grady was the old serpent

that tried to cast you out of your Garden of Eden. Yeah.

It's all your fault, you old serpent!

That's the thanks I get for trying to help you out.

Woodrow, you ain't nothing but a cream puff,

and ought to have the cream

squeezed out of your puff.

Don't you touch a hair on his body.

Yeah, don't you touch a hair on his body.

Oh, I see, so now it's two against one, huh?

Three.

Four.

Make that five.

Well, now, I'd be the last man to call for help,

and since I'm the last man... help!

Come on, baby.

Let's get out of this den of iniquity.

Yeah, let's get out of this den of iniquity.

Bock, bock, bock, bock, bock, bock!

There they go... Battle ax, cream puff,

and the two brides of Frankenstein.

Well, I hope you're happy now, Grady.

I hope you're satisfied.

You almost busted up Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody,

you embarrassed my family,

you caused all this trouble in the first place...

Wait a minute, now. Just hold it.

Now, I brought them back together again,

didn't I?

Oh, big deal.

Now, who was that a victory for, the men or women's lib?

I'd say it was a standoff.

They ought to both burn their drawers in a pubic place.

That's public place!

Public place!

Well, I'll see you later, Grady.

I'm going out for the evening.

I've got a little date lined up, you know?

Did you hear what I said?

Did you know that them women libbers

object to that airline advertisement?

You know, the one that says, "I'm Margie. Fly me."

Are you back on that again?

Well, I don't see what's wrong with flying Margie.

It ain't up to the women libbers.

It's up to Margie,

and if she says, "Fly me," then we should all fly her.

Grady, look, it's like I told you.

Women don't want to be known as sex symbols.

It says here that the man that came up with the idea

is probably a male Chinese pig.

That's "male chauvinist pig."

Oh.

Well, anyway, they are sex symbols,

and cooking symbols and kitchen symbols

and sewing symbols,

and they ought to get used to it.

Okay, fine, Grady, have it your own way,

but I've got a little date,

and good night, Grady.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I fixed supper for you.

I'm sorry. I told you, I've got a date.

What kind of business is that?

I've been in this kitchen all day

slaving over a hot stove.

Good night, Grady.

You can't do that to me.

I mean, don't you see the sweat rolling down my face?

You male Chinese pig!

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.