Original subtitles

Lamont!

Lamont!

What?

You didn't finish your supper.

Don't you want any dessert? I made you some Jell-O.

No, thank you.

Well, I promised your daddy

I'd take good care of you while he was away in St. Louis.

Now, come on down here and eat your Jell-O.

I don't want no Jell-O, Grady.

Oh. Well, I guess I'll have to eat it myself.

I used to know a girl who could do that.

All right.

Her name was Lottie the Body.

She was as mellow as Jell-O.

Wow.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you, Grady?

Haven't you ever seen anybody wear an ascot before?

Is that what you call that?

That's right, it's an ascot.

See, over in England,

this is what the rich dudes wear at the race track, an ascot.

Oh, then that's why you look like a horse's ascot.

My goodness, and just look at the rest of you.

Look at that jacket.

Don't tell me, I know.

That's what the well-dressed hot-dog man

wears at the racetrack.

You don't know nothing, do you, Grady?

I know a sissy when I see one...

and you sure look like a sissy to me.

This happens to be a lounging jacket, Grady,

and it's what you wear around the house.

See, I got it on sale at Phil's Fashion Box.

It was slightly irregular, so it was a markdown.

Oh, well, you better wear it around the house,

because if you wear that thing

around the pool hall,

that markdown will get you a knockdown.

Listen, I don't wish to discuss this any further.

I must check out my stash for this evening's festivities.

Oh, goodness, check out your stash.

Is that what you're going to do?

Just wear that thing around the house tonight?

Hey, Grady, have you been in my wine?

Who, me?

Yes, you. I had almost a full bottle over here,

and now it's just about empty.

It was a rosé.

A who?

It was a pink wine, a rosé.

Oh, well, you're better off without that stuff,

because that rosé was "lous-é."

Is that what we're going to do tonight,

just sit around and look at some television

and drink some wine?

That's what I'm going to do, Grady.

You are leaving.

I've got a young lady coming over here

to spend the evening with me.

Oh, well, you won't bother me.

I know that, Grady, but you'll be bothering us.

Now, look, man, this is still my house

and I got a right to have company over here

and be alone with her if I want.

Oh, sure, you've got a right,

but your father left me in charge of this house,

and he told me that while he was away,

that I was to enforce his number-one rule,

no "org-gees."

You mean "orgy," don't you, Grady?

Yeah, none of that either.

In other words, I've got to go upstairs

and change my clothes

and take my date out somewhere, huh?

Okay, I'm not going to forget this, Grady,

but just remember one thing.

Just because you're sitting in my Pop's chair

doesn't mean that you're the boss of this house.

Well, he left me in charge,

so I guess that's what that means,

I'm the boss...

And now the boss is going to look at a little television.

Ooh, I think the boss will answer the door.

Hey, Lamont, your young lady is here!

Hi!

Hi...

Uh, he just went upstairs to get out of his ascot.

He'll be right down.

Who?

Lamont. That's who you came to see, isn't it?

Why, no, Ducky.

I'm here to see you.

Uh, wait a minute. I don't understand.

You mean you came to see me?

Well, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed,

then Mohammed will come to the mountain.

So here I am... Your little Miss Mohammed.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Now, you got to tell me some more.

Now, is your name really Miss Mohammed?

Are you a Muslim?

No, silly.

You mean you don't remember?

It's Betty, Betty Hairston.

Ain't you going to offer me

a little taste of something?

Oh, yeah, sure. What would you like?

Well, for sentimental reasons,

why don't we have what we had that night...

boilermakers.

Boilermakers? We had boilermakers?

Yeah, a shot of bourbon and a glass of beer.

We had about 14 of them,

and we never once stirred from that booth.

Oh, if I'd have had 14 beers,

I would've stirred at least once.

We was in a booth?

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Are we going to have some drinks?

Oh... Yeah, yeah. Sure.

I'll get us a couple of beers.

You do that, honey.

Betty. Betty Hairston.

Betty... Betty Hairston?

Wow.

Where was I?

And what did I do?

Oh, Lord. I hope this isn't a paternity suit.

Come on, sit down.

Don't be scared. Come on.

You naughty thing, I should be angry at you.

We had a date to meet there again tonight.

We did? Where?

At Fancy Dan's Bar and Grill.

It's a good thing you told me

about your business, Sanford and Son,

or I never would've known where to find you.

Remember now?

You remember.

Oh, you dog.

I should have known right from the start.

You think I'm Fred Sanford.

You think... you see, I'm not Fred Sanford.

No?

No.

Who are you, darling, Laurence Olivier?

Oh, Fred, I could never forget that scraggly beard,

or that cologne you were wearing.

What was it? Brut, mm, that's it.

And you smelled like a brute that night.

You rubbed your scraggly beard

against my face,

and I remember thinking to myself

Brillo never, ever felt so good.

Yeah, yeah, but, please.

I mean, my leg is going to sleep.

Now, listen, Miss Horse-ton.

Hairston.

Yeah, well, whatever it is,

uh, look, you see, I am not Fred Sanford.

He's in St. Louis.

He went there to attend his cousin's funeral

and to be with his family,

and he told me to just stay around here

and take charge of the house while he was away.

The man you're really looking for is in St. Louis.

You are the cutest little liar.

Are all those other things

you said to me that night lies too?

What things?

About how you were a hero during World War II?

How they dropped you behind the enemy lines

and you posed as a Japanese soldier?

Oh, well, you see,

Fred Sanford is shorter than I am,

so he could be mistaken for a Japanese soldier,

but I could never be taken for no Japanese.

Chinese maybe, but not Japanese.

Now, Fred,

you've got to stop playing games with me.

I think I know

why you're trying to deny everything.

I am not Fred.

But you can't get out of it.

Get out of what?

You proposed to me.

I did?

I mean, he did?

You certainly did,

and I remember just how you did it too.

Oh, it was so cute.

You said, "Freddy is ready for Betty."

Wait, wait a minute.

I mean, no, no, no, look...

Hey, no, no. No, just... just wait a minute, Beady...

Betty.

Yeah, well, whatever it is.

Now, I'm telling you for the last time,

now, I am not Fred Sanford,

but even if I was,

what would it take for me to get you

to leave me alone?

You need some money or something?

How about some food stamps?

Or maybe you'd like

something out of the junkyard?

Sure, go ahead,

take anything out of the junkyard you want.

There ain't but one thing I want.

That's Y-O-U.

I want you, Freddy.

No, no, you don't.

No, no, no! Help! Help!

Hey, Lamont! Lamont, help me!

What is it? What is it?

What's going on down here?

Hey... oh, thank goodness you're still here.

Now, look, this lady was out drinking

with your father one night,

and she claims that he proposed to her,

and now she's saying that I'm Fred Sanford.

For Pete's sakes, will you please tell her who I am?

Oh, sure, that's easy.

He's the boss, Fred Sanford.

I'll see you later, Pop.

No... Oh... I'm going to get you.

No, no, no. No, no, no...

Hey, morning, Grady.

I said, "Good morning, Grady."

Hey, you shouldn't do that.

You scared me to death.

What happened last night after I left?

Because when I got home, you was asleep.

Well, how come you didn't stay around

to tell that lady who I was?

You could've cleared everything up.

No, I couldn't do that, Grady.

You kicked me out of my own house

because you said you were the boss, remember?

Yeah, well, you sure left me in a bad spot.

Hey, how'd you get rid of her, anyway?

Well, when your father gets in trouble,

he either has arthritis or a heart attack,

and I had them both,

plus a severe case of abdominal cramps.

You mean gas, don't you?

Yeah. Hey, listen, you better stick around

in case that lady comes back,

and then you can tell her who I am.

Uh, I'd like to do that,

but I've got to make a pick-up with the truck.

I'd like to stick around here, but you know...

Hey, wait a minute.

You can't leave me in a spot like this.

What if she comes back? What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna say to her?

I tell you what, Grady.

Why don't you try to stall her off

for a few days until Pop gets back,

and then he'll think of something to tell her.

But suppose she doesn't want to wait?

In that case, congratulations.

Hey, hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey, I need help,

and you're the only one that can help me,

and my abdominal cramps are coming back.

I need help bad.

Oh, I know what.

I'll call my lawyer friend, Sonny Cochran.

Yeah, why didn't I think of that before?

Yeah, I'll just call my friend and have him come over here

and straighten this whole thing out...

and if that doesn't work, I'll call the National Guard.

Hello. Sonny?

Goodbye, Sonny.

Here I am, Fred. Ready to move in.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You didn't say nothing about no moving in here.

Well, we're getting married anyway, Fred.

Besides, I'm one of them free-thinking women,

you know what I mean, Fred?

Hey, hey, listen, now.

You didn't believe me last night

when I was trying to tell you,

but maybe you'll believe me today.

You see, my name is not Fred Sanford.

My name is, uh, uh, uh, um...

Yeah... Grady Wilson. There it is.

Now do you believe me?

My ex-husband had an alias too.

What were you in for?

Now, listen, Miss Hairpin... Hairston.

Yeah, well, why won't you believe me?

Because I think you're just scared

about getting married again,

but you'll get over it.

I'm going to make you real happy, you'll see.

Ooh!

I sure do like this nice big kitchen.

You know what would be nice, Fred?

No. What would be nice?

If we went to Fancy Dan's Bar and Grill tonight,

and we sat in the same booth where you proposed to me.

I bet if you had a few boilermakers,

it would all come back to you, and you'd stop being so weird.

Huh?

We'd be lovey-dovey again.

Yeah... yeah.

Yeah, and I bet

it would all come back to you too, wouldn't it?

I'll bet it would.

Well, well, listen, now,

we don't have to wait until tonight.

We can have us a couple of drinks right now.

Now? Sure.

This early?

Why not?

Okay. I ain't had no breakfast.

I'll have some cornflakes and beer.

Naw, hey, wait a minute, now.

You don't want to spoil it with no cornflakes,

and I've got something better than beer.

Now, why don't you just have a seat

over here, darling, and make yourself comfortable,

and I'll step right over here to the bar,

and make us a little drinky-winky.

Now you're beginning to sound like the Fred I knew that night.

Oh, yeah, and before it's all over,

you're going to think you're re-living that night

all over again.

Ooh, you going to take advantage of me?

Am I going to take advantage of you?

Now, you just check that bottle out

and see if that's not the stuff...

Is better than that stuff that we had that night,

and now you'll see

that I'm going first class all the way.

Just check it out carefully,

and I'm going to do everything

that we did that night.

Oh, you devil.

Yeah, that's me.

You're going to revel with the devil.

Ooh!

All right...

And by the time I get through with you,

you're going to need The Exorcist.

Ooh!

Now, what should we drink to?

Oh, let's drink to us, to Betty and Freddy.

To Betty and Freddy.

To, uh... Sanford and Son.

To Sanford and Son!

Yeah.

Uh, to, uh... Sears and Roebuck.

To Sears and Roebuck.

To, uh... Haldeman and Erlichman.

To Haldeman and Erlichmunamunamun.

To, uh... You going too fast for me. Woo!

Well, I just want to make sure

that we do everything like we did it that night.

Now, what did we do?

Oh, there was a slow tune playing on the jukebox,

and you asked me to dance.

Aw, shucks, you mean

one of those belly-rubbing kind?

That's it.

Well, come on.

Okay.

All right. Come right on over here.

Let me take you into the parlor,

and...

What's the matter?

Something's wrong.

Something is definitely wrong.

Yeah? What is it?

You were a lot shorter that night.

I was?

And fatter.

Yeah?

And your beard wasn't so scraggly,

and you smelled better.

You ain't Fred Sanford.

That's Fred Sanford.

Huh?

That's right.

That's Fred Sanford.

She's all yours, Fred.

What's the matter with you, Grady?

Freddy, come here.

What's the matter with you, lady?

What's the matter with her, Grady?

Grady, what's the matter with her?

Grady, what's the matter with her?

Lady, what's the matter with you?

Oh, Freddy.

Open this door, Fred Sanford!

I'll have the law on you!

I'll sue you for breach of promise!

You'll be sorry, Fred Sanford!

Hey, that woman is either crazy or drunk.

A little of the first and a lot of the second.

How did she get so crocked

this early in the morning?

Well, you see, that was part of my game plan.

Now, I figured if I got her as drunk

as she was the night

that she was out with your father,

then she would remember

that I was not Fred Sanford.

Well, how come she thought I was Fred Sanford?

Well, like you said, she's either crazy or drunk.

Uh-oh, there she is again.

Now, if that's her,

I'm going to call the police.

That's a good idea, Grady.

It is the police.

Hey, how you doing, Grady? Lamont.

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy, What's happening?

That's what we want to know, man.

Now, this lady flagged us down

and said someone in here was giving her a problem.

Let me elucidate on that.

The complainant here charges that a party

residing at this residence

reneged on a mutually agreed-upon contract

by misrepresentation

and thereby precipitated a breach of faith.

She said one of you guys was trying to rip her off.

Well, look, let me explain...

That's him. That's him. That's Fred Sanford.

Uh, no, lady, he's not Fred Sanford.

Then he's Fred Sanford.

No, not him either.

Well, somebody in here is Fred Sanford,

and I want satisfaction.

That's what we're here for, madam.

The police will give

protection and satisfaction

to every citizen,

regardless of age, color, or sex.

I just want satisfaction, no sex.

Hey, uh...

Smitty, can I talk to you for a sec?

Man, what's going on around here, anyway?

First, the lady came in here

insisting that my pop asked her to marry him,

and then she was saying

that Grady here was Fred Sanford,

and then she said I was Fred Sanford.

She's as nutty as a fruitcake.

She's as nutty as a fruitcake.

Man, your pop sure knows how to pick them, don't he?

Well, maybe I can straighten her out.

You see, ma'am, under our system

of jurisprudence,

a man is innocent until proven guilty,

whereas in the gulag...

Could I say something?

Oh, of course. Officer Smith will carry on.

Uh, carry on, Officer Smith.

See, lady, there's been a big mistake.

Now, I know both of these gentlemen,

and neither one of them is Fred Sanford.

Okay, okay, okay.

Does Fred Sanford live here?

Yes, ma'am, Fred Sanford lives here.

And neither one of them is Fred Sanford?

Neither one of them is Fred Sanford.

Then you're Fred Sanford.

Uh, no, lady, I'm not Fred Sanford either.

You sure?

I'm sure.

And I can attest to that, madam.

This is Officer Smith,

as fine a man as we have on the force.

Well, if you're not Fred Sanford,

and neither one of them is Fred Sanford...

Then that leaves you. You're Fred Sanford.

Oh, no, madam. I couldn't be Fred Sanford.

She thinks I'm...

I'm of the Caucasian persuasion.

He's a white dude.

Come on, lady, we'll drive you home.

Well, where is Fred Sanford? I want satisfaction.

Well, you'll find satisfaction

riding in our experimental squad car.

It's got individual reclining bucket seats.

It's got steel-belted radial tires,

runs on natural gas,

and talk about comfort...

When my pop gets back here, man,

I'm really going to have to talk to him.

What a morning.

What a morning...

you know, I don't ever drink

at this time in the morning,

but I think I need me a little taste.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, Grady. What are you doing?

That's a gasoline can.

Don't tell me you're drinking gas now?

After an experience like that, I can take anything.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.