Original subtitles

BOW: Movies in the '80s were really weird.

Greed was good, kids were unsupervised,

and the science, questionable at best.

? Gonna shine tonight ?

BOW: And we all remember having this moment.

You're casually watching a movie with your parents,

and out of nowhere, nudity.

Now, Rainbow, it's important we have a conversation

about what's happening right now.

Mm-hmm, movies perpetuate very unrealistic images of bodies,

particularly women's breasts.

You know, they often change once you start breastfeeding.

And sometimes just one.

Okay, you explained that.

Can we get back to the movie?

Of course. I'm glad we shared this moment together.

Mm-hmm.

? I know I'm gonna know... ?

You know, the reason why we need to have this conversation

is because Hollywood sex scenes are... are rarely realistic.

That's such a good point, Paul.

For example, you never see the man taking time

to ask whether his partner's enjoying themselves.

Oh, that's right.

Communication is very important

for a healthy relationship between lovers.

[Chuckles] Mm-hmm.

Okay, we need to get this back in 24 hours

or else we have to pay another 5 bucks,

so why don't we just get back to it, okay?

- Of course. - Mm-hmm.

- [Video resumes, pauses] - You know what?

We should talk about contraception.

- Oh, now's a good a time as any. - Mm-hmm.

- So, it's this little thing... - Okay.

BOW: Nowadays, my parents would be called sex positive,

but back then, they were called...

Freakin' hippies! What are you doing?

There are naked cans on TV.

[Alicia sighs]

? In the mix ?

? Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying ?

? But they can't stop us ?

? 'Cause we got a love ?

? That keeps rising up ?

? In the mix ?

? Life turns around ?

? 'Round and 'round it goes ?

? Ooh, it's a mixed-up world ? ? Ooh, it's a mixed-up ?

? And that's for sure ? ? Mixed-up ?

? In the mix ? ? Baby ?

? We're gonna get by ?

? We're gonna ? ? On our own, side by side ?

? Love's all we need to be free ? ? Lo-o-o-ve is all ?

? I got you, you got me ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix-ish ?

Dad, come on.

We're in the middle of a sex talk with Rainbow.

Here's all you need. Rainbow, don't even think about sex

till you're out of college and I'm dead.

Yep, there it is. Same sex talk he gave me.

Harrison, we're trying to raise a daughter

who is confident, in control,

and comfortable communicating anything to us.

The human body is nothing to be ashamed of.

- Oh. [Sighs] - Yeah, Dad,

it was just a couple of nipples.

Everybody has them.

Rainbow, everybody has them.

I have nipples, your mother has nipples,

- your grandad has nipples. - [Groans]

- My friend Griff has... at least one. - [Door opens]

Aunt Dee-Dee has nipples.

What? It was cold outside.

Aunt Dee-Dee, let me get your bag.

Did Rainbow just steal my stuff?

Joke's on you.

That's a bag of trash from my car.

Why is there a naked lady on the TV?

??

- JOHAN: Totally. - [Laughter]

What's wrong with you?

Can't you see Alvin and I are trying to kick it?

You're harshing our vibe.

You don't want to go in there.

Mom and Dad gave me the most awkward talk

just because a topless lady was on TV.

Wait, she had no top?

She was just legs?

No, she was naked.

BOTH: Whoa.

Ugh, gross.

Have you ever seen a naked lady?

Have you?

Uh... yeah.

But just to make sure,

we should try to see one,

just to refresh our memories.

Totally.

ANNOUNCER: There's no better time for a refreshing shower

than Morning Dawn.

She's naked, but I bet she could be more naked.

Yeah, they always cut them off at the shoulders.

We need a bigger TV.

I bet we can see on my dad's TV.

It's huge!

Let's go!

So, you're teaching your daughter

to have a positive understanding of sex?

Okay.

What, do you want me to give her the sex talk Mama gave us?

She just threw me a sanitary belt and yelled,

"Don't get pregnant!"

But did you get pregnant?

No, but the more strict she was, the more you snuck out,

and I was stuck having to lie for you.

Are you joking? Mama slowed me down.

Do you know how much more trouble I would've gotten into

if I didn't have to leave Teddy Pendergrass' tour bus

before dinner?

She still never talked to us,

and that's why I didn't feel like

I could go to her with real questions.

Yeah, and we don't want Rainbow to ever feel that way.

HARRISON: Oh, feelings.

This commie nonsense is why kids can't work in factories anymore.

Dad, if we don't teach Rainbow

to be comfortable with this stuff, who will?

It's not like she's gonna learn it in school.

I should know.

"So, if you have premarital sex, you can catch communism"?

What kind of health book is this?

It's called "The Joy of Abstinence."

"Once you're married in the eyes of the Lord,

you can begin thinking about sex.

And, boys, you get two cheatsies"?

Oh, come on.

If we don't do something,

Rainbow will have hangups for life.

Good! We need hangups.

Hangups are the only thing

preventing the world from becoming perverts, one and all.

BOW: While the adults were having a pervert summit,

I had more important things to worry about.

MICAELA: So, what's the latest with Brandon?

Brandon was my crush from the Pizza Palace.

? I wanna know what love is ?

??

He's coming over to study tomorrow,

but I don't know if he likes me back.

So I think I'm just gonna ask him out.

But you're the girl.

I'm gonna have my auntie pray for you with your fast behind.

I'm not fast.

My parents said that all young women should be in control.

No offense, Rainbow, but your parents are freaks.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen a love story

like "Pretty in Pink" or "Weird Science"?

You have to act coy and make the boy ask you out.

Okay, how do I do that?

Laugh at his jokes even if they're not funny.

Yeah, and boys like it when you're really clumsy,

especially when you're carrying a stack of papers.

Yeah, if you drop them, he'll help you pick them up,

you'll lock eyes, and he'll kiss you.

Aww, kiss him in the rain.

You just got your hair under control.

Don't kiss him in the rain.

Okay, is that all?

REBECCA: Just make sure

there's nothing embarrassing in your room.

? I wanna know what love is ?

??

Yeah, there isn't,

but I'll double check just to make sure.

So, his name is Pierre, he's 6'3", Haitian,

and he's got big feet, so you know what that means.

He got a big...

A big what?

- [Paul sighs] - Why don't you tell her, guys?

Feels like a great opportunity to be really honest

and empower her with stereotypes about tall Haitians.

Big shoes.

- Yeah. - PAUL: Mm-hmm.

Big, big shoes.

Here's a sticker book!

Go play.

Go play.

I see what you're doing, but okay.

Aha, I knew you all weren't as open-minded

about S-E-X as you claim to be.

Look, you can act like you're not like Mama,

but the truth is you are exactly like Mama.

No, I'm not.

[Doorbell rings]

That's for me. I'll get it.

Nobody else get it.

We totally believe in being open-minded,

and when Santamonica is older,

we will tell her exactly what we told Rainbow.

And that's what we're trying to talk you out of

- 'cause it's weird. - [Scoffs]

Everyone, this is Brandon.

Oh, Brandon.

Nice to meet you.

- I'm Mrs. Johnson. - Nice to meet you.

Hey, Brandon.

Hi, Mr. Johnson.

Oh, no, just call me Paul.

Call me Paul.

Good to see you again.

Yeah. Can I grab you something to eat?

I-I know you're growing.

You know, I was always hungry at your age.

Your... Your body is changing, but that is natural and normal.

We should probably get to studying.

You want to head to my room?

Your room? Alone?

[Clears throat]

Yeah, that's where my desk is.

And Micaela's gonna come over later probably, too, so...

- Okay. - Great.

[Chuckles]

[Door closes]

Yeah. [Sighs]

Was that a door closing?

Uh-oh, the fox is in the henhouse.

Are you telling me you are really comfortable

with what is going on right now?

They probably just need some... some peace and quiet, right?

Definitely.

Yeah, because Rainbow does make good choices, right?

Of course.

Why are you saying true statements

in the form of a question?

- Must be the lawyer in me. - Oh.

But I'm totally fine with everything happening here.

Totally fine.

??

I never spanked you enough.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you really okay with Rainbow

being in her bedroom with a boy with the door closed?

Yeah, of course.

Is that why you lurking in the hallway

folding the same sweatshirt over and over again?

No, I just can't get it right

and it's a very important sweatshirt to me.

Listen, you should throw it away because it's hideous.

Now, be honest.

Are you actually 100% okay with this?

Yes! 100%.

RAINBOW: Oh, I can sharpen that pencil for you.

Well, maybe 99%.

Okay.

To be honest, it's one thing talking to Rainbow about sex,

but having her in there with a boy and the door closed?

The rubber is hitting the road,

and I'm starting to question myself.

You better hope that's all the rubber's hitting.

- Ooh! - I mean this with love,

but I am not ready for more Black grandkids.

You've got to do something.

Come on, Alicia.

I know part of you wants to go in there

and do exactly what Mama would've done to us...

kick the door down and scream,

"Don't bring no babies up in this house."

[Sighs] So bad.

But what Mama did messed us up,

so I'm not going to do anything crazy because I trust Rainbow,

and this is what Paul and I are doing.

Okay, you have to say that because you are married,

but I am not married, so if you want me to be involved

without betraying your marriage vow, don't blink.

Don't blink? What kind of a signal system is that?

You don't have to be here, you know that, right?

I don't know if you guys realize,

but you're kind of hovering outside Rainbow's door.

What? [Scoffs]

Forgot this is her door.

This is Rainbow's room.

Oh. Give her some space.

Okay.

[Whispers] We got you, girl.

Oh, yeah, we got you, girl.

You don't get to say that.

Johan and Alvin's boob quest took them

- to the biggest TV they could find. - No. No, no.

We might even be able to see her wiener.

Girls don't have wieners.

Their butt wraps all the way to the front.

Whoa.

Alvin. What are you doing here?

My visitation weekend's not until...

the weekend.

Uh, I snuck over here to show Johan your cool hangout room.

- Oh. - Yeah, his dad's poor.

So poor.

Well, you guys want some milk chocolates

while you're watching the boob tube?

Uh, sure, but, uh, Johan can't have candy.

Yeah, I can only have Asian pears and jackfruit.

Well, sounds like I'm making a trip to the ethnic aisle.

[Chuckles]

- He's gone, come on! - [Door closes]

Come on.

It's on, it's on!

ANNOUNCER: There's no better time

- for a refreshing shower... - I still can't see it.

- It should've worked. - ...than Morning Dawn.

What happened?

We're never going to become men.

Or are we?

??

BOW: I had a boy in my room.

Now all I had to do

was figure out a way to get him to ask me out.

Thanks for helping me study for the math test.

I'm really trying to get my grades up.

Sure.

Do you like baseball?

Huh?

Oh. Oh, yeah, this is my brother's shirt.

He plays on the team.

Oh, well, I've always wanted to go to one of their games.

With another person, because I've never been to one.

Oh. Hi.

I hope I'm interrupting something.

I made you guys some snacks.

Oh, great. Thanks, Aunt Dee-Dee.

Bye.

Hey, I fight little kids.

Go, go.

[Door closes]

Sorry about that.

Where were we?

Right, baseball. Love baseball.

[Chuckles]

Hey!

- Grandad, what are you doing? - Ah, don't mind me.

I'm just making the most use of my billable hours.

And this is the point where

I normally warn people I'm friends with the D.A.

Okay.

Let's just get back to studying.

After two disruptions,

I knew I needed to pull out all the rom-com tricks.

[Gasps] Oopsie!

I'm so clumsy.

I dropped my calendar which shows all of my availabilities.

[Chuckles]

It was working.

It was really working.

I have a very important question.

How tall am I?

W-What? How should we know?

Let's measure.

O-Okay.

Maybe I should study at my house.

Bye-bye!

No, no, no, no, no! Everything's fine!

Santi, get out of here.

But if I don't stay in here for at least 10 minutes,

I don't get my six bucks from Aunt Dee-Dee.

You still here?

I need a new family.

Oh, Dad, come on.

Knock it off.

I'm just cleaning windows.

Oh, come on.

Can you believe him?

Oh, and I saw your sister

charge in there with a jar of horseradish.

It's like they don't trust us to...

to know what we're doing as parents.

Honestly, I'm not sure I do.

I wanted to be the kind of mom who would trust her in there,

but I don't think I can be.

Where's this coming from? I mean, all of a sudden

you're... you're saying you don't trust her?

Well...

[Sighs]

All right, babe, remember when Johan asked us

if it was a good idea to hitch rides

on a bus bumper with his skater friends?

- Mm-hmm. - The only reason he's still alive

is because we taught him to trust us

and to tell us anything.

So, when Rainbow gets older,

if she's, you know... if she gets drunk at a party...

She won't be going to any parties.

- But if she does... - She won't.

Okay, but if s-she gets drunk at our house,

I want her to feel that she can talk to us.

I know.

I want that, too.

You know what? I'm gonna trust her.

Oh, good. Okay.

Okay, so I was just in the hallway

after Bow kicked me out of her room

when all of a sudden this heifer locks her door!

Not today!

Oh, babe.

[Alicia groans]

Where is it? Where's the pokey thing?

That's not the pokey thing you should worry about.

The skinny pokey thing you use

to unlock the door from the outside.

- I need to get in there. - I don't understand.

30 seconds ago, we were on the exact same page.

Pages turn, and I'm not ready for this.

Find the pokey thing or I'm gonna kick the door down.

Oh, we kicking down doors?

I'mma go change my shoes.

You can't kick a door down. You got to ram it.

Oh, I'mma ram it.

Babe, you know Rainbow makes good decisions.

If you go in there, you're gonna be breaking years of trust

and open dialogue that we have with our daughter.

Do you really want to do that?

Yeah, Paul, I really do.

And after you filled your head with nipple this

and nipple that and here a nip, there a nip,

everywhere a nip-nip...

N-Nip.

Mm. Hi.

Can I call my mother? I think I should go home.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh. Yeah, mm-hmm.

Phone's, uh, out there.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, sis, if it makes you feel any better,

I have found the pokey thing.

Huh?

[Sighs]

Hey, Bow-Bow.

I know it's been a tough day,

so I thought maybe we could all watch a movie.

Yeah, "Porky's" maybe?

I-I don't know what it's about, but I hear it's funny.

What is wrong with you guys?

It's like you can't help yourselves.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey, baby girl.

Congratulations.

I didn't agree with your hippie parenting,

but if my granddaughter doesn't ever want to think about sex,

it worked. Good job.

[Door slams]

Great.

All of this is a repeat

of what my mother did when I was her age.

[Sighs]

She's the reason I didn't know anything about sex.

Any time sex came up,

I felt just like Rainbow feels right now.

Well, that kept you from being like Cousin Tangie

who mysteriously disappeared down South for nine months.

Yeah, but I had nowhere to turn to to learn about sex,

so I had to figure it out on my own.

Tell me about it. I'm a child of the '50s.

I didn't even know what sex was until 15 minutes after I had it.

And I guess I was trying to be so different from my mother

that I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was

with certain things.

Well, I'm glad I really know how you feel,

but I think part of the reason I'm pushing so hard

for so much openness is because what this guy put me through.

Hey, if you didn't feel comfortable

talking to the priest about sex, that's on you.

Look, we... we want Rainbow to feel comfortable talking to us,

but I think there's a middle ground we can find

that we're both comfortable with.

I like that. A little '50s order

mixed in with some commune openness and talking.

HARRISON: All right, hold it. Hold up.

So, the takeaway is to still do this talking crap?

Oh, compromise is great.

Rainbow will only get half pregnant.

[Scoffs]

My brother was a natural-born slacker,

except when it came to his dream

of seeing his first human boob.

Okay, I think that's the window.

And now we wait for somebody naked to walk past it.

There's my telescope.

I didn't know you two were into astronomy.

Yeah, you know us, we love looking at planets

and stars and... whatever.

Yeah.

Well, you sure aren't gonna see any stars like that,

you two rope-a-dopes.

Let's see.

Hey, check it out!

We got a great look at Cassiopeia.

What's that?

Oh, she's the Brooke Shields of Greek mythology.

You see that star formation

right at the top of the telescope?

That's all her.

You mean that thing that looks like a "W"?

Yeah. Isn't she ravishing?

A beautiful queen sitting naked on her throne.

Oh, my gosh.

I see it!

Let me look!

And to think they were above our heads this entire time.

We're finally men.

We sure are.

[Sighs]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Bow.

I'm really sorry I was screaming

outside your door about body parts.

But we really want you to always feel

you can come to us with anything.

Great.

Next time I need you to yell about nipples,

I'll let you know.

Oh, well, don't worry, some things are gonna change.

We're just gonna talk to you about

the things that keep you safe.

We're not gonna be pausing movies

to talk to you about sensation, reciprocation...

- Honey, honey. - Sorry.

From now on, we're just gonna

let you come to us with questions.

And we're also gonna have some rules.

No boys in bedrooms,

no locked doors, no closed doors.

Okay.

And I know we're the last people

you ever want to talk to about sex,

but we want you to grow up to be a young woman

who is confident, comfortable,

and in control in all areas of your life.

Well, then can I be in control of this conversation and end it?

- Absolutely. Yep. - Mm-hmm, sure.

Mom, Dad, I have a question, but it's kind of embarrassing.

Why do boobs look like a bunch of stars?

Stars?

That's a really good question and is not embarrassing at all.

No, but the first thing we should talk about

is that everybody has nipples.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I have nipples.

- Your mother has nipples. - Oh. [Chuckles]

You have nipples.

Looking back, I really appreciate

that their openness created space for me to be

the free and confident person that I am today.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm sorry my parents are weird.

I like you. I want to see you again.

How's that sound?

That sounds great.

But it'll have to be in a week

because I got grounded for failing my math test.

I'll wait for you.

??

Can you dummies hurry it up?

Some of us are here for the salad.

[Chuckles]

Uh, what is this?

I thought George Orwell wrote this

to be an allegory about communism,

but it's just a bunch of drunk guys in togas.

Mm, you're thinking "Animal Farm."

- This is "Animal House." - Mm-hmm.

Oh! Wow, okay, that's inappropriate.

Just gonna fast forward through this bit.

Hey, you're fast forwarding through most of the bits.

Which is fine. We're totally cool

with the new fast forwarding policy.

Even though there's a great conversation

about consent we could be having right now.

Huh, there are the credits.

Oh.

Got to say,

movie nights have been much shorter these days.