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1
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**
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00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:14,697
**
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(cheering)
4
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THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
5
00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:34,227
WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS."
6
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I'M DEMETRI MARTIN.
7
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TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...
8
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OOH, VERY IMPORTANT.
THAT'S A BIG THING.
9
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A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS.
LET'S SEE.
10
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I COULD "CROSS FINISH LINE,"
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"CROSS FINNISH LINE"...
(laughter)
12
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LIKE INTO FINLAND,
13
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THAT WOULD BE...
14
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THE BORDER.
15
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OR "JOKES."
16
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I DO LIKE TO TRAVEL,
BUT I ALSO LIKE WINNING.
17
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:07,330
(laughter)
18
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,327
"JOKES."
(imitates gunshot)
19
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(electronic tones play)
I WAS IN A PANERA BREAD,
20
00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:14,827
AND THEY HAD A SIGN THAT SAID
"FORM A LINE HERE."
21
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BUT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THERE,
22
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SO I HAD TO LIE DOWN
ON THE GROUND.
23
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(laughter)
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(applause)
25
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"ALL RIGHT. DONE.
CAN I GET A SANDWICH NOW?
26
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,497
HERE WE GO."
(chuckles)
27
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THEY SHOULD MAKE COLD MEDICINE
THAT YOU SNORT.
28
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,930
(laughter)
29
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IT JUST COMES WITH, LIKE,
A MIRROR AND A STRAW,
30
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AND BE LIKE, "I'M SICK,
BUT I'M PARTYING.
31
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CHECK THIS OUT."
(laughter)
32
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DAMN, WHEN YOU GOT A COLD,
YOU'RE LIKE A ROCK STAR.
33
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(laughter)
34
00:01:47,967 --> 00:01:51,427
THE SHORTEST DISTANCE
BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS A LINE.
35
00:01:51,467 --> 00:01:53,767
THE SHORTEST DISTANCE
BETWEEN TWO IDIOTS
36
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IS A CONGA LINE.
(laughter)
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(laughter)
YEAH.
38
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,397
I WONDER WHAT THE THINNEST SCARF
IS THAT YOU COULD WEAR.
39
00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:06,403
PROBABLY JUST ONE PIECE
OF YARN,
40
00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:10,103
AND YOU JUST HANG IT DOWN.
(laughter)
41
00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:13,103
JUST A TINY SKINNY SCARF.
JUST ONE LINE, YOU KNOW?
42
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FOR WHEN IT'S LIKE
JUST BARELY,
43
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SLIGHTLY,
A LITTLE BIT CHILLY OUT.
44
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"I FEEL, LIKE,
THE SLIGHTEST CHILL IN THE AIR.
45
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"HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SCARF.
THERE WE GO.
46
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:24,627
LET'S GO."
(laughter)
47
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(chuckles)
48
00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:28,167
THERE'S A FINE LINE
49
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BETWEEN GIVING SOMEONE
THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER
50
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AND DRY-HUMPING
A STRANGER.
51
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(laughter)
52
00:02:34,733 --> 00:02:36,703
"ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
53
00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:38,703
"HEY. OOH.
54
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SOMEBODY'S FEISTY
IN THIS RESTAURANT."
55
00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,903
(laughter)
56
00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:46,403
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO
IF YOU WANT TO GET AWAY
57
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,233
WITH DRY-HUMPING SOMEBODY
YOU DON'T KNOW. (laughs)
58
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JUST ACT LIKE THEY'RE CHOKING.
59
00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:52,597
"WHOA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
(laughter)
60
00:02:52,633 --> 00:02:55,273
"YEAH, I'M FINE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
61
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,770
"I WAS TRYING
TO SAVE YOUR LIFE."
(laughter)
62
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,870
(whoosh)
63
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:02,970
**
64
00:03:12,533 --> 00:03:14,503
(Demetri imitates gunshot)
65
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(dramatic music playing)
66
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,067
(whip cracks)
67
00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:31,333
"DR. LAO HAS STOLEN
THE SACRED SCULL OF LHASA."
68
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:35,397
LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO TIBET.
69
00:03:40,967 --> 00:03:43,967
(dramatic music playing)
70
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,527
SHIGATSE HOTEL.
71
00:03:59,733 --> 00:04:02,803
(dramatic music playing)
72
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:07,827
(speaking foreign language)
73
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(speaking foreign language)
74
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(dramatic music playing)
75
00:04:16,933 --> 00:04:19,073
(elevator bell dings)
76
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:21,497
(elevator bell dings)
77
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I'VE GOT TO GET SOME FOOD.
78
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:28,767
(dramatic music playing)
79
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,500
(dramatic music playing)
80
00:04:37,967 --> 00:04:40,097
I'M TOO TIRED.
81
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:43,803
(dramatic music playing)
82
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:45,303
(speaking foreign language)
83
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:46,803
DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
84
00:04:46,833 --> 00:04:48,303
GREAT.
85
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:50,073
DO YOU DELIVER?
86
00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:53,467
(knock on door)
87
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(dramatic music playing)
88
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,797
(speaking foreign language)
89
00:05:02,833 --> 00:05:07,133
(dramatic music playing)
90
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:09,767
MMM.
91
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,800
(dramatic music playing)
(laughter)
92
00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:17,727
(stomach gurgles)
93
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:20,827
(dramatic music plays,
music stops)
94
00:05:20,867 --> 00:05:23,567
(dramatic music plays)
(retches)
95
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,570
(dramatic music plays)
96
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,600
(toilet flushes)
97
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:33,903
(dramatic music playing)
98
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:36,073
I'M OKAY.
99
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:47,230
(dramatic music playing)
100
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:50,497
UH-OH.
(door closes)
101
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:53,073
(cheering)
102
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:56,097
YOU KNOW,
LINES ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.
103
00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:58,633
SOMETIMES, JUST ADDING
ONE OR TWO LINES TO SOMETHING
104
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CAN COMPLETELY CHANGE
ITS MEANING.
105
00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:02,833
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT I MEAN.
106
00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:04,827
HOW ABOUT THIS?
YOU GOT TWO FRIENDS.
107
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:06,667
IF YOU ADD A LINE,
108
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,670
IT BECOMES
A BEFORE-AND-AFTER PHOTO.
109
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:10,430
(laughter)
110
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:12,267
THIS GUY LOST SOME WEIGHT.
111
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:14,070
IF YOU ADD ANOTHER LINE,
112
00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:16,797
IT'S JUST TWO GUYS
AT CHRISTIAN CAMP.
(laughter)
113
00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:22,933
IF YOU ADD
A COUPLE MORE LINES...
114
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,770
IT'S TWO GUYS STANDING BEHIND
A GIANT WITH A FLAT ASS.
(laughter)
115
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,670
(applause)
116
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,870
WHAT ABOUT THREE PEOPLE
117
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,500
JUST HANGING OUT?
118
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,073
IF YOU ADD ONE LINE,
119
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:41,497
IT TURNS INTO
A FAMILY OF ACROBATS.
120
00:06:41,533 --> 00:06:44,503
(laughter)
121
00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:47,503
OR IF YOU ADD TWO LINES,
122
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:50,673
IT'S TWO PEOPLE WATCHING THEIR
FRIEND GET ABDUCTED BY A U.F.O.
123
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,430
(laughter)
124
00:06:53,467 --> 00:06:55,667
(applause)
125
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,970
IF YOU ADD ANOTHER,
IT'S A FAMILY OF ACROBATS
126
00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:00,267
WATCHING SOMEONE GET ABDUCTED
BY A U.F.O.
(laughter)
127
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,927
OKAY.
128
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:06,427
YOU CAN TAKE A LINE
AND JUST TURN AN ANIMAL
129
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:07,927
INTO PEOPLE.
130
00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:09,927
THAT'S A HORSE.
131
00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:12,497
THAT'S TWO PEOPLE
DRESSED AS A HORSE.
132
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,473
(laughter)
133
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:19,097
TAKE A SNAIL.
134
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,403
ADD A LINE.
(laughter)
135
00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:23,403
NOW IT'S A LOLLIPOP
136
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:26,433
WITH A DISGUSTING WORM
COMING OUT OF IT.
(laughter)
137
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,727
ADD ANOTHER LINE.
138
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,727
NOW IT'S A SUICIDAL SNAIL.
139
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,767
(laughter)
140
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:41,327
YOU CAN GET REALLY DRAMATIC
WITH JUST A FEW LINES.
141
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:44,327
ALL RIGHT, YOU START
WITH JUST A GUY THROWING A BALL.
142
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:45,827
ADD A LINE.
143
00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:48,167
NOW HE'S REACHING
FOR A DOORKNOB.
144
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,870
THIS COULD BE, LIKE,
A CRITICAL SITUATION.
145
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:53,230
(laughter)
146
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:55,727
ADD ANOTHER LINE.
147
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,397
NOW YOU--YOU HAVE A GUY DROWNING
AT SUNSET.
148
00:07:58,433 --> 00:08:00,603
(laughter)
149
00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:04,603
(cheers and applause)
150
00:08:04,633 --> 00:08:08,433
IF YOU ADD
A COUPLE MORE LINES...
151
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,503
YOU HAVE GOD REACHING DOWN
152
00:08:13,533 --> 00:08:16,073
TO HELP THE GUY DROWNING
AT SUNSET.
(laughter)
153
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,070
(applause)
154
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,070
(whoosh)
155
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,070
**
156
00:08:28,533 --> 00:08:31,533
**
157
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:35,103
(whoosh)
158
00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:37,103
(intercom beeps)
159
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,833
HEY, DONALD, IT'S KEVIN,
TOM AND JACOB ON THE LINE.
160
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:42,067
HEY, DON.
HEY.
161
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,070
(Don) Hey, guys,
how's life in the Big Apple?
162
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,600
UM, CRAZY.
163
00:08:46,633 --> 00:08:48,573
GREAT.
164
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,200
Sounds awesome.
UH, SO DID YOU, UH, GET
A CHANCE TO, UH, SEE
165
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,873
THE WEB SITE DESIGN
WE SENT YOU?
Yeah. Yeah.
166
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,600
I know we've been going back
and forth on this for a while,
167
00:08:57,633 --> 00:09:00,333
but to be honest, I actually
think we might have been
168
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:02,567
a bit closer
on the last pass.
(mouthing words)
169
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,330
(Kevin) THE LAST PASS?
170
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:07,667
Yeah, I mean, this one
was still in the ballpark...
(mouthing words)
171
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:10,400
Um, we weren't totally sure
about those things
172
00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:13,273
on the top that are, like,
moving back and forth.
173
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,470
What is--what is--what's
that thing called again...
(mouthing words)
174
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,400
that...
175
00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,073
THE, UH, FLASH ANIMATION?
176
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,767
Yeah. Uh, that stuff.
177
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,770
I-I mean, I think the operative
word on our end here
178
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,500
is kind of "functionality,"
179
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:30,503
you know, something
a little more traditional...
(quietly imitating
monkey chattering)
180
00:09:30,533 --> 00:09:33,933
That's what
we're looking for.
TRADITIONAL
IN WHAT WAY?
181
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:36,427
I don't know--I mean,
I don't know the web site...
(grunting)
182
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:39,597
or internet terms
that you guys really use.
183
00:09:39,633 --> 00:09:42,403
But I don't--I-I mean,
just not so much.
(imitating passing gas)
184
00:09:42,433 --> 00:09:45,333
Uh, does that make sense?
OH, YEAH,
WELL, SURE.
185
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,197
I-I think we're on
the same page.
186
00:09:47,233 --> 00:09:50,433
I mean, basically,
our target audience,
187
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:51,897
you know,
doesn't really understand
188
00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:55,073
you know,
a lot of complex things.
(mouthing words)
189
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,430
So we just want that reflected
in our web site.
190
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,997
You know, we want
to base this on, like...
(mouthing words)
191
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,070
You know, we want
to base this on, like...
(mouthing words)
core American values.
YEAH.
192
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,467
core American values.
YEAH.
193
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,230
So I mean, maybe we could
try another pass
194
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:07,127
and strip out some of
those elements, and, you know,
195
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,967
I'll have a look at it, and,
you know, show it to my people,
196
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,400
and we can, you know,
take it from there.
197
00:10:12,433 --> 00:10:14,403
OR YOU CAN
GO (bleep) YOURSELF.
198
00:10:14,433 --> 00:10:16,503
(laughter)
199
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,303
Excuse me?
200
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:21,233
(mouthing words)
201
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:23,197
UH, SORRY, DON.
THAT WAS MY COMPUTER.
202
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:26,703
(mouthing words)
Your computer told me
to go (bleep) myself?
203
00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:28,203
NO, UM...
204
00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:30,033
(clears throat)
YEAH, IT WAS A--
205
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:32,567
IT WAS A-A VIDEO.
RIGHT.
I WAS WATCHING A VIDEO.
206
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,700
IT WAS A VIRAL VIDEO,
AND A-A LINK IN AN E-MAIL.
207
00:10:35,733 --> 00:10:37,503
(mouthing words)
RIGHT, MY FRIEND
SENT IT TO ME
208
00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:39,303
AND I PRESSED
THE SPACE BAR.
209
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:42,933
Oh, sorry. I thought it was one
of you guys that said that.
210
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:44,727
(all laughing)
211
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:47,167
NO, WHY WOULD WE SAY THAT
TO YOU, DON?
NO. NO, NO, NO.
212
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,170
YEAH, IT WASN'T ME.
Well, those viral videos
are crazy.
213
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,630
(mouthing words)
My son showed me this one--
214
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:56,097
this guy was camping
and then this bear came
215
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,973
and took his shoe off.
(mouthing words)
216
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,070
(Kevin) OH, WOW,
THAT'S WILD.
Yeah, it was crazy!
I couldn't believe it.
217
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:04,527
What happened in the one
you guys were watching?
218
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:08,527
UM, THE...
THERE WERE--THERE WERE
THESE TWO OLD LADIES...
219
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,527
(chuckles) YEAH.
AND, UH, THEY WERE
JUST KIND OF OUT RUNNING
220
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,527
AND THEY KIND OF STARTED
TO GET IN A FIGHT.
221
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,527
IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
YEAH, IT WAS
AN OLD LADY FIGHT,
222
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:17,097
AND THEY'RE, UH,
THEY'RE REALLY GOING AT IT.
OH, MAN.
223
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:21,233
THEY'RE JUST TRYING
TO KILL EACH OTHER.
RIGHT, AND THEN, UM, THIS KID
CAME BY ON A SKATEBOARD,
224
00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,297
AND...
HE HAD A STICK, AND HE
STARTED, LIKE TRYING TO HIT,
225
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,303
LIKE, ONE OF THE LADIES
WITH THE STICK.
Oh, yeah?
226
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:26,903
YEAH, SO THEY'RE--
THEY'RE REALLY MAD,
227
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:30,373
AND, UH, THEY'RE MAD AT THE KID.
AND THERE WAS A RACCOON, TOO.
228
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:35,070
(mouthing words)
RIGHT, THE, UH, RACCOON,
UH, RAN OFF WITH THE STICK,
229
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:38,100
AND THEN THE OLD LADIES
WERE YELLING AT IT.
230
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,203
(Don laughing)
231
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,703
(laughs)
That's too funny!
232
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,533
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
YOU SHOULD SEE IT.
233
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:45,667
Yeah, I want to.
234
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,670
That's--that one's right up
my son's alley.
(mouthing words)
235
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:51,230
Will you send that to me?
(mouthing words)
236
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:53,227
UM, WE CAN'T,
BECAUSE I ERASED IT.
237
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:55,227
RIGHT AFTER, UH, IT--IT PLAYED,
I PUT IT IN THE TRASH.
238
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:57,597
But you just played it.
Just e-mail me the link.
239
00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:00,773
WE'LL CHECK IT OUT.
NO, I--WE CAN GET IT
TO HIM.
240
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,700
(mouthing words)
Great. Oh, guys,
241
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:04,833
I have a really important call
coming in...
(mouthing words)
242
00:12:04,867 --> 00:12:06,827
so I actually have
to get off the line,
243
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:08,827
but let's reconnect tomorrow,
okay?
244
00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:11,827
And, guys,
please send me that video.
OKAY, DON, WE'LL--
WE'LL GET ON IT.
245
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:14,167
Thanks so much, guys.
BYE.
246
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,670
(intercom beeps)
247
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,270
ALL RIGHT,
248
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,630
WHO'S GOT A CAMERA?
249
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:23,627
IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE
I'M BEATING UP ON YOU.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
BOTH OF YOU
250
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:26,627
LET'S JUST DO IT AGAIN.
LET'S JUST DO IT AGAIN.
ARE TELLING ME TO DO THINGS
AT THE SAME TIME.
251
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:28,627
WE'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
WE'RE GONNA DO IT.
252
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,427
LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT
FROM THE BEGINNING.
253
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:33,397
I WAS HERE FIRST,
SO YOU GO--AAH!
AAH! AAH!
254
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:35,403
AAH! AAH! AAH!
255
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:38,103
OR YOU COULD
JUST GO (bleep) YOURSELF.
(laughter)
256
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:41,403
(groaning)
(groaning)
257
00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,403
* YEAH, YEAH
258
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:46,973
**
259
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,603
(drum playing)
260
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:56,633
**
261
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:01,173
(Demetri) SOMETIMES,
YOU WANT TO WORK OUT,
262
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,670
BUT YOU'RE NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH.
263
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,270
YOU GIVE UP TOO SOON.
(coughs)
264
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:07,800
YOU GET TIRED, AND THEN YOU
HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD WORKOUT.
265
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:09,303
THAT SUCKS.
266
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:10,803
UNTIL NOW--
267
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,933
THE "'IMPORTANT THINGS' THINGS"
MOVING FINISH LINE.
268
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:15,297
(starting gun fires)
IT'S A FINISH LINE
THAT'S ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY
269
00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:16,803
SO THAT WHEN YOU RUN,
270
00:13:16,833 --> 00:13:18,803
YOU'RE ALWAYS ALMOST
CROSSING THE FINISH LINE,
271
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:21,233
CLOSER AND CLOSER,
YET YOU NEVER GET THERE.
272
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:24,567
THEN WHEN YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY
FINISH, PRESS A BUTTON...
(alarm beeps)
273
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,100
(explosions)
274
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:28,773
THE APPARATUS
FLIES OFF OF YOU...
(beep, whoosh)
275
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,300
AND THE FINISH LINE
PLANTS ITSELF INTO THE GROUND.
(thud)
276
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:34,603
(tape rips)
YES! YOU'RE A WINNER
EVERY TIME.
277
00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:37,503
THE PERSONAL FINISH LINE,
ONLY FROM...
278
00:13:37,533 --> 00:13:39,833
YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.
279
00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:44,867
**
280
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,567
(whistle blows)
281
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:59,227
(whistle blows)
282
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:01,297
(cheers and applause)
283
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:02,803
THROUGHOUT HISTORY,
284
00:14:02,833 --> 00:14:04,903
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID
SOME MEMORABLE LINES.
285
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:06,733
AND WHAT MOST PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW
286
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:08,767
IS THAT A LOT
OF THESE FAMOUS QUOTES
287
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,130
DON'T TELL THE WHOLE STORY.
288
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:12,727
LET ME SHOW YOU. "I THINK
THEREFORE I AM."--DESCARTES.
289
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:14,727
OH, THAT'S ONE
OF THE BEST ONES--
290
00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:17,067
REALLY, REALLY WISE PHILOSOPHER.
291
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:19,627
WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID WAS...
292
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,500
(laughter)
293
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:31,703
EVEN MORE DOUBT.
294
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:34,573
ALL RIGHT, "SPEAK SOFTY
AND CARRY A BIG STICK"--
295
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,070
THEODORE ROOSEVELT.
296
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,070
OH, HE'S ONE
OF THE BEST PRESIDENTS.
297
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:40,627
THE WHOLE LINE WAS...
298
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:45,227
(laughs) "SPEAK SOFTY AND CARRY
A BIG STICK," BECAUSE...
299
00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:48,497
VERY HANDY--HE WAS
A HANDY PRESIDENT, AS WELL.
300
00:14:48,533 --> 00:14:50,903
OKAY, NEXT...
301
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,770
A LITTLE BIT LONGER
ORIGINALLY.
302
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,270
IT WAS, "BE THE CHANGE
YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD,
303
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:59,370
"BUT DON'T EXPECT
TO GET CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR
304
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,770
FROM A KOREAN DELI."
(laughter)
305
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,830
HE'S A WISE MAN--GANDHI.
306
00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:06,067
(laughs)
307
00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:11,533
WINSTON CHURCHILL--
A GREAT LEADER.
308
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:14,127
THE WHOLE LINE WAS, "I'VE
COLLECTED THEM ALL IN THIS JAR."
309
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,127
(laughter)
310
00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:18,127
(laughs) "SO NOW
WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
311
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,327
(laughs)
(laughter)
312
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:22,327
GREAT LEADER,
NOT A GREAT LOVER.
313
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:24,827
BUT, YOU KNOW, HIS HEART
WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,
314
00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:27,067
AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT...
315
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:30,703
ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES.
316
00:15:30,733 --> 00:15:33,533
I WAS SURPRISED
WHEN I SAW THE FULL QUOTE...
317
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:37,827
(laughter)
318
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:41,197
A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED.
319
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,803
I THINK HE HAD O.C.D.
OR SOMETHING.
320
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:45,803
IT WAS KIND OF LIKE,
"SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY,
321
00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,903
SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIM..."
322
00:15:47,933 --> 00:15:50,273
FINALLY...
323
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,270
A QUOTE, A LINE,
AN EQUATION--
324
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,270
I MEAN, THIS IS ONE
OF THE GREATEST IDEAS
325
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,770
IN MODERN HISTORY--
ALBERT EINSTEIN.
326
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,570
UH, THIS IS ACTUALLY PART
OF A LONGER IDEA...
327
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,597
(laughter)
328
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:07,673
(applause)
(chuckles) YEAH.
329
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,730
**
330
00:16:15,867 --> 00:16:17,827
(Demetri imitates gunshot)
(whoosh)
331
00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:21,267
**
332
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:22,770
(woman's voice)
DEAR DIARY,
333
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,600
I REALLY CAN'T STAND BEING
THIS GUY DEMETRI'S NOTEBOOK.
334
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:30,403
TODAY, HE TAKES ME TO A PARTY
AND TRIES TO TELL A JOKE.
335
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:33,503
SO I SAY, "LUCKY? TELL THAT
TO THE 3-FOOTED RABBIT."
336
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:36,173
NO ONE LAUGHS, OF COURSE,
'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT.
337
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,930
SEE YOU, MAN.
SO HE GETS UP AND LEAVES,
338
00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:41,067
BUT LOOK WHAT
HE LEAVES BEHIND--ME--
339
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:44,467
ON THE TABLE, OPEN,
RIGHT NEXT TO THESE TWO GIRLS.
340
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,970
HE FORGOT HIS NOTEBOOK.
341
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:49,727
AND GUESS WHICH PAGE HE
ACCIDENTALLY LEAVES ME OPEN ON?
342
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:52,967
OH, MY GOD. IT'S A POEM
IN FRENCH ABOUT 9/11.
343
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,797
OH, MY GOD.
OUI, OUI, MADAME,
344
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:57,133
THAT HE STOLE
OFF THE INTERNET.
345
00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,127
THE BEST POEM
THIS GUY'S EVER WRITTEN
346
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,897
WAS WHEN HE FARTED ONCE.
347
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:03,573
I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE GIRLS
ARE IMPRESSED BY THIS CRAP.
348
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,400
OH. OH.
AND LOOK WHO'S BACK.
349
00:17:05,433 --> 00:17:06,903
MY NOTEBOOK.
YEAH, IT'S...
350
00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,903
OH, YOU CAN'T FIND
YOUR NOTEBOOK. HMM...
351
00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:11,473
I WONDER WHERE IT IS. OH, YES,
IT'S RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT.
352
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,300
OH, DANG, I LEFT IT OPEN.
353
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:16,303
YEAH, IT'S JUST STUFF I DO,
YEAH, IN MY SPARE TIME.
REALLY? WOW.
354
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:17,803
UM...
THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
355
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:20,303
HIS PATHETIC PLAN
IS ACTUALLY WORKING.
356
00:17:20,333 --> 00:17:22,473
THESE GIRLS
THINK HE'S AN ARTIST?
357
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:26,370
AND THOSE ARE YOUR,
LIKE, DRAWINGS, AS WELL?
ROUGH SKETCHES.
I USUALLY DO OILS.
358
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,530
OH.
OILS? MAYBE THE GREASE
ON YOUR FOREHEAD.
359
00:17:29,567 --> 00:17:31,067
UGH!
360
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:33,067
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M AN ACCESSORY
361
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,527
TO THIS DISGUSTING PLAN.
362
00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,067
WHAT A HORRIBLE DAY.
363
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,767
I'M SO EMBARRASSED
TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK.
364
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,270
(whoosh)
365
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,270
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
366
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,070
* NA NA YEAH
367
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:47,730
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
368
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,270
**
369
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,270
(imitates explosion)
370
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,270
EVERYONE KNOWS
ABOUT PICKUP LINES,
371
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,100
BUT WHAT ABOUT LINES YOU USE
372
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:01,173
WHEN YOU'RE BREAKING UP
WITH SOMEONE?
373
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,070
THAT'S WHAT WE REALLY NEED--
BREAK-UP LINES.
374
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:07,430
HERE ARE SOME BREAK-UP LINES.
375
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:11,497
DO YOU BELIEVE
IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
376
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:14,073
HOW ABOUT MISERY
AFTER THREE YEARS?
377
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:17,067
(laughter)
378
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:19,067
LET'S BREAK UP.
379
00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:23,067
**
380
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,297
THAT SHIRT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.
381
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,273
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOU?
382
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:30,270
MY FRIEND DAVE.
383
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,270
(laughter)
384
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,970
I THINK YOU
SHOULD GO OUT WITH HIM.
385
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:38,467
**
386
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:41,470
IS IT HOT IN HERE?
387
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,470
OR ARE YOU JUST SUFFOCATING ME
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?
388
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:46,470
(laughter)
389
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,470
(applause)
390
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,970
**
391
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:55,467
WHEN I'M WITH YOU,
I FEEL 3 POUNDS LIGHTER.
392
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:58,470
PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU BORE
THE (bleep) OUT OF ME.
393
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,530
(audience groans) OH!
394
00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:02,527
AND I HAD A BIG LUNCH.
395
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,527
(laughter)
396
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:06,527
**
397
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:08,527
HEY, BABY,
398
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,797
ARE YOU BEING FOLLOWED?
399
00:19:11,833 --> 00:19:14,803
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SEEING PEOPLE
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
400
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:17,803
(laughter)
401
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:20,833
**
402
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:29,527
I DIDN'T KNOW ANGELS
FLEW THIS CLOSE TO THE GROUND.
403
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:31,527
MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
THIS ANGEL'S
404
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:34,527
GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT
SINCE WE STARTED GOING OUT.
405
00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:36,527
(laughter)
406
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:40,467
* LET'S BREAK UP
407
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,970
HEY, I WAS JUST WONDERING...
408
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,967
ARE YOU DOING PUSH-UPS
WITH YOUR KNEES DOWN?
409
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:48,967
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE
IF THIS IS WORKING OUT.
410
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:53,467
(laughter)
411
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,970
* LET'S BREAK UP
412
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,967
DO YOU HAVE ANY GREEK
IN YOU?
413
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,970
THAT WAS JUST A TACTFUL WAY
OF ASKING IF YOU'RE PREGNANT.
414
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,470
(audience) OH!
415
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,270
IF NOT, THEN...
416
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,770
* LET'S BREAK UP
417
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,770
(laughter)
418
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,770
HEY, IS THERE A NEW
CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED MOVIE
419
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,200
CALLED "OTHER PEOPLE"?
420
00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,473
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
I WANT TO SEE...
421
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,970
(laughter)
422
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,970
RIGHT NOW.
423
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000
(laughter)
424
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,970
ARE YOUR FEET TIRED?
425
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,970
BECAUSE...
426
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,970
YOU'VE BEEN STOMPING ON
MY DREAMS FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW.
427
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,330
(laughter)
428
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:44,327
* LET'S BREAK UP
429
00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:48,267
(laughter)
430
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:51,330
(cheers and applause)
431
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:53,197
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
432
00:20:57,700 --> 00:20:59,470
ALL I'M SAYING
IS I DON'T KNOW
433
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,600
IF THE RACCOON
LOOKS REAL OR NOT.
(Kevin)
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
434
00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:03,433
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
CAME UP WITH THE RACCOON!
435
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:05,427
(Tom) WE SHOULD HAVE GOT
A-A REAL RACCOON THEN, RIGHT?
436
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,427
THEN WHY DIDN'T WE
HIRE--GET A REAL RACCOON
437
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:10,297
WITH AN ANIMAL TRAINER
TO COME AND SHOOT
THIS (bleep) VIDEO?
438
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:12,473
(Tom) YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING TO ME.
THAT CAN'T--
439
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,130
I CAN'T GET THE SHOT
AND BE IN IT.
(Kevin) THAT ISN'T HOW
IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO.
440
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,627
(Tom) YES. THAT'S WHY I
TOLD HIM TO BRING A TRIPOD.
441
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,867
NO, I--
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
(Jacob) I DON'T
HAVE A TRIPOD!
442
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:23,570
LET'S JUST DO IT!
I'M WEARING A DRESS!
(Kevin) GO. JUST DO IT.
WE SHOULD JUST DO IT.
443
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,470
LET'S JUST SHOOT IT
AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, PLACES.
32137
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