Original subtitles

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(cheering) THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. WELCOME. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.

WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

WE DID THE "2" EPISODE ALREADY, AND THIS IS THE SEQUEL,

SECOND PART.

OH, HEY, PETE. I GOT A FRIEND HERE. HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S UP, MAN? HEY. ALL RIGHT, A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS.

LET'S SEE.

WE COULD "SHOW REPEAT"...

(laughter) "RE-SHOW PETE"...

(laughter) OR DO "JOKES."

HMM. I WANT TO "RE-SHOW PETE." (imitates gunshot)

(electronic tones play) (laughter)

IT WORKED REALLY WELL.

(laughter)

LET'S DO "JOKES." (imitates gunshot)

(electronic tones play) THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF JACKETS-- REVERSIBLE

AND REVERSIBLE BUT IT LOOKS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE

AND IT'S HARD TO ZIPPER UP. (laughter)

I LIKE TO SAY THE TERM "DOUBLE ENTENDRE"

IN A WAY THAT GIVES IT A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

INTERESTED IN MAYBE A LITTLE DOUBLE ENTENDRE?

(laughter)

I WANT TO GO TO A FORTUNE-TELLER

DRESSED AS A FORTUNE-TELLER. (laughter)

I SIT DOWN, AND I'M LIKE,

"YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME SLIGHTLY ANNOYED VERY SOON."

(laughter)

REST STOPS ARE GREAT

BECAUSE THEY'RE A PLACE YOU CAN GET DIARRHEA

AND DROP IT OFF ALL IN ONE. (laughter)

VERY SYMMETRICAL THAT WAY, SEE?

PERFECT PAIR, YEAH.

THAT WAS BAD. NEVER DO THAT AND SAY "PERFECT PAIR." (laughter)

(laughs)

LOOKS LIKE I HAD A THING GOING WITH A GIANT.

(laughter)

DOCTOR TO THE GIANTS. (laughter)

"YOU DON'T HAVE A HERNIA. YOU'VE GOT A PERFECT PAIR." (laughter)

IF YOU'RE PLAYING THE BONGOS,

YOU'RE BASICALLY SAYING TWO THINGS--

"HERE'S MY SENSE OF RHYTHM"

AND, "(bleep) YOUR DAY IN THE PARK." (laughter)

I MEAN YOU, WHITE GUY WITH DREADLOCKS. (laughter)

**

(people screaming)

(roars) (grunting)

(groans)

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE FINALLY MET YOUR MATCH, SUPERMAN.

(laughs evilly)

HEY, GUYS.

WHAT? WHAT THE--

DUPERMAN. HERE WE GO.

(monster growls)

(splat) (roaring)

(tentacles squish) (gasps)

(glass shatters, monster growls)

(grunts)

(roars, thud)

**

(splash)

THANKS, DUPERMAN.

THAT WAS SUPER-DUPER.

MY PLEASURE, SUPERMAN. GLAD TO HELP.

**

AAH! HELP!

(laughing evilly)

QUICK! SOMEBODY, HELP! (man screaming)

DUPERMAN, DO SOMETHING. USE YOUR SUPERPOWERS.

IS SUPERMAN HERE? UH, NO, I-I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

OH. YEAH, WELL, I KIND OF NEED HIM TO GET THINGS GOING.

I DON'T HAVE SUPERPOWERS. I HAVE DUPERPOWERS.

(machine gunfire) SUPERMAN STARTS IT OFF. THEN I MAKE IT DUPER FROM THERE.

(siren wailing) I'M THE SECOND PART.

(machine gunfire) YOU KNOW, LIKE SUPER-DUPER.

IT'S NOT DUPER-SUPER OR JUST DUPER,

ALTHOUGH SUPER-SUPER WOULD BE RIDICULOUS...

(man screams) BUT SUPER-DUPER TOGETHER, BAM! NOW WE'RE TALKING.

(laser gun zaps, machine gunfire) OH... RIGHT.

SO WHEN SUPERMAN'S HERE,

MY DUPERPOWERS MAKE HIM EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE,

BUT WITHOUT SUPERMAN'S, YOU KNOW...

(explosion) DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

(man) AAH! YEAH, I GET IT.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, DUPERMAN.

SOMEBODY'S SUPER-LATE.

(woman screams)

**

HEY. HI. I'M HERE FOR THE INTERVIEW.

YEAH, HE'S ACTUALLY RUNNING A LITTLE LATE,

UM, BUT YOU CAN JUST WAIT IN HIS OFFICE.

IT'S THE SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT. OKAY, THANKS.

MM-HMM.

YEP, THAT'S ALL I NEED. (elevator bell dings)

PERFECT. SO WE'LL BE READY IN 15?

(whispering) HI. ARE YOU HERE FOR THE INTERVIEW? YEAH.

OH, JUST, UH, SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

HE'LL BE RIGHT THERE, OKAY? OH, OKAY. THANKS VERY MUCH.

(normal voice) NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, THAT'S... (scoffs)

I CAN'T--NO, I'M NOT--

HI.

OH, HEY. HI, I'M DAN. HEY, I'M--I'M JOSH.

NICE TO MEET YOU. WOW, IT--IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU.

YEAH. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. I WAS, UM, I HAD TROUBLE PARKING... OH, NO. NO PROBLEM.

IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT. OH, YEAH, I WAS HARDLY WAITING AT ALL. IT'S FINE.

UM...

WELL, LET'S... (sighs)

OKAY. OH, SIT?

YEAH.

(sighs)

(laughter)

UM, THIS IS A REALLY NICE OFFICE.

(laughter)

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S REALLY--

I LIKE, THE, UM, I LIKE THE WHOLE LAYOUT.

LIKE WHEN YOU COME DOWN, IT REALLY OPENS UP.

YEAH, I CAN G-- I GET THAT VIBE.

YEAH.

(laughter)

UM, SHOULD WE--

DO YOU WANT TO START WITH, UH, LIKE, MY BACKGROUND,

MY EDUCATION, OR...

YEAH, YEAH, DEFINITELY. OKAY, WELL, I WENT TO THE UNIV--

UM, WELL, I CAN TELL YOU WHAT--WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING

FOR THE--I CAN TELL YOU. YEAH.

OKAY. OKAY. (sighs) UM,

AFTER I GRADUATED BROWN UNIVERSITY,

I IMMEDIATELY STARTED WORKING WITH PROJECT AMERICA,

WHICH IS A RELIEF ORGANIZATION. OH, COOL.

AND I'VE BEEN DOING THAT BASICALLY FULL-TIME

FOR, UH, UH, THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

I DID, LIKE, SOME VOLUNTEER WORK IN COLLEGE,

BUT I NEVER, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

AS--AS YOU S--YOU CAN SEE, I-I'VE WORKED

AT A COUPLE DIFFERENT FIRMS, AND--AND, YOU KNOW,

VERY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES,

AND I-I COULD GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE.

(laughter) YEAH, I THINK THAT'S DEFINITELY THE WAY

THAT I WOULD WORK,

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THAT--IT'D BE GREAT TO WORK WITH YOU.

I FEEL--I MEAN, YEAH, THAT'S--

I-I MEAN, I WOULD--

I'D LOVE TO WORK WITH YOU. OH, THANK YOU.

(laughs) THANK YOU. (laughs)

I--WOW, OKAY. WOW.

UM, GREAT, AND THANK YOU SO MUCH. YEAH, THANK YOU.

UM...

YEAH, I'M VERY HAPPY. WELL, THANKS SO MUCH, MR. WHEELER.

I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. OKAY.

HI, GUYS, SORRY I'M LATE.

UH, LET'S SEE...

WHO'S GONNA BE FIRST? IS IT, UH, DAN JENKINS?

UM... OKAY, WELL, WE'LL START WITH YOU,

AND, UH, ARE YOU JOSH? YES.

IF YOU DON'T MIND JUST WAITING OUTSIDE,

WE'LL FINISH UP DAN'S INTERVIEW AND YOU CAN BE SECOND. THANKS.

(laughter)

(eagle screeches) AAH!

AAH! OW! OUCH!

HELP! SOMEBODY, HELP!

HEY, DUPERMAN, I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWERS,

BUT CAN'T YOU JUST HELP ANYWAY?

YEAH, SUPERMAN ISN'T HERE, SO...

(people screaming) YEAH, I KNOW HE ISN'T HERE,

BUT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP THE WAY A NORMAL PERSON MIGHT HELP,

LIKE TEND TO THE WOUNDED OR GET PEOPLE INTO THE BUILDING

SO THEY'RE PROTECTED? (chewing) YOU KNOW, I COULD, BUT I REALLY SHOULDN'T.

I MEAN, I'M IN THE COSTUME AND EVERYTHING,

SO... (slurps) UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT AN ASS (bleep).

(elephant trumpets) ATTITUDE.

(man screaming) (lion roars)

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHAPE OF A THING CAN TELL YOU A STORY.

FOR INSTANCE, THE SHAPE OF THE NUMBER 2 HAS A LOT TO SAY

ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE 2. LET'S JUST LOOK AT A 2.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU SEE...

YOU.

(laughter)

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OUT, LIKE, IN A BAR.

YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT, AND SOMETHING CATCHES YOUR EYE.

(laughter)

YOU LOOK OVER, AND YOU SEE...

(laughter)

(applause)

A WOMAN.

YOU SEE THIS GIRL, AND YOU'RE STRUCK.

SO YOU START TO TALK TO HER,

KIND OF HIT IT OFF,

AND YOU ASK HER OUT.

YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME BEER AND PIZZA?"

(laughter)

SHE SAYS, "YES."

YOU GO OUT, AND YOU HIT THINGS OFF.

THINGS ARE GOING WELL.

IN FACT, THEY GO SO WELL...

(laughter)

YOU END UP HOOKING UP. (laughter)

TIME FLIES.

SUDDENLY, YOU'RE TOGETHER FOR 2 YEARS.

(laughter)

NOW YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER.

YOU DECIDE, "HEY, LET'S TAKE A VACATION."

THINGS ARE GETTING PRETTY SERIOUS.

SO YOU GO AWAY TO A TROPICAL ISLAND.

BUT LOOK,

SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS,

AND YOU GOTTA SPICE UP THE RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?

SO YOU FIGURE THE VACATION WILL HELP.

THEN LIFE THROWS YOU A CURVEBALL.

THERE'S A SHARK WHEN YOU GO SCUBA DIVING. (laughter)

THE WATER'S PRETTY ROUGH.

(laughter)

YOU'RE SCARED. SHE'S FREAKING OUT.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GET TO HER.

SHE STARTS CRYING

AND SCREAMING FOR HELP.

(laughter)

BUT YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY. YOU'RE NOT RIGHT THERE.

INSTEAD, SOME LOCAL DUDE...

IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HER,

SOME GUY WITH, LIKE, KIND OF A HAIRY CHEST

AND A BIG CHIN. (laughter)

(laughter)

HE SWOOPS IN.

NOW HE'S, LIKE, INSERTED HIMSELF INTO THE VACATION.

YOU'RE TRYING TO PATCH THINGS UP WITH HER,

BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, THE ROMANCE IS STARTING TO LAG.

YOU CAN'T FIND HER.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HER EVERYWHERE NEAR THE RESTAURANT.

SHE'S DOWN ON THE BEACH...

KISSING THIS GUY. (laughter)

SHE SLIPS HIM THE TONGUE.

YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN.

(audience) AW.

(laughter)

SO YOU'RE LIKE, "SCREW THIS."

YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

WHEN YOU GET BACK HOME,

YOU DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.

YOU GET A NEW HAIRCUT... (laughter)

CHANGE YOUR STYLE, YOU START WEARING WEIRD COLLARS.

I DON'T KNOW. (laughter)

YOU GET REALLY DISILLUSIONED

BECAUSE...

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE. (woman) OH.

BUT YOU REALIZED THAT...

YOU'RE JUST ALONE. (laughter)

(applause)

BUT AFTER A WHILE, YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS,

YOU GET BACK TO LIFE,

AND YOU REALIZE, "HEY, SO THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT."

BUT IT'S OKAY.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA, RIGHT?

(laughter)

(laughter)

AND THAT'S THE END.

(cheers and applause)

IT'S ALSO A FIN.

**

SO, YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE THE CHERRY ON TOP OF A SUNDAE. (man screaming)

IS THE SUNDAE GOOD? SURE.

WITH THE CHERRIES, EVEN BETTER? YOU BET. (woman screams)

YOU GOT A GREAT SMILE, BY THE WAY. (giggles)

(man screaming)

(sirens wailing) OH, EXCUSE ME FOR A SEC. I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

DON'T GO AWAY.

OH. WHOA.

(moaning) I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPERMAN.

(moans) THAT'S FUNNY.

THE FLAMES LOOK LIKE A CAPE. (groans)

ANYWAY, SPEAKING OF CHERRIES, WHICH OFTEN END UP IN DRINKS...

(woman screams) WHY DON'T WE GET A DRINK?

(giggles) TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE...

(man screams) ABOUT HOW I, UH, HELPED THE BIG GUY?

**

**

(cheering)

MY GUESTS TONIGHT ARE, UH, 2 ATHLETES

WHO ARE TIED FOR THE MOST

SECOND PLACE FINISHES...

EVER. (laughter)

AND TOMORROW, YOU'RE GONNA BE IN A RACE.

THAT'S CORRECT. YEAH.

AND THEN ONE OF YOU AFTER TOMORROW

WILL GET THE WORLD RECORD FOR THE MOST SECOND PLACE FINISHES?

EXACTLY. YES.

SO WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY?

WELL, MY STRATEGY IS I'M GONNA START OUT REALLY FAST,

AND WHEN I GET CLOSE TO THE FINISH LINE,

I'M GONNA PULL BACK JUST A LITTLE BIT

AND LET HIM PASS ME.

(laughter)

AND MY STRATEGY IS THE SAME AS HIM,

EXCEPT SLIGHTLY SLOWER. (laughter)

SO THEN THE WINNER WILL BE THE GUY WHO COMES IN SECOND?

YEP. TECHNICALLY, YEAH.

YEAH. AND THEN, THEREFORE, IS THE WINNER

OF THE WORLD RECORD. EXACTLY, YEP. YEAH.

THE MOST SECOND PLACE FINISHES. RIGHT, BUT THEN DOESN'T--

DOESN'T HE THEN GET FIRST PLACE

IN WORLD RECORD COMPETITION?

SO THEN THE--THE GUY WHO'S SECOND NOW

IS GONNA BE IN SECOND PLACE IN THAT COMPETITION.

(laughter)

HEY, A 5-FINGER DISCOUNT

IS WHEN SOMEONE'S SHOPLIFTING.

A 2-FINGER DISCOUNT IS WHEN SOMEONE IS SHOPLIFTING,

BUT THEY WERE IN A PRETTY BAD ACCIDENT

AT SOME POINT BEFORE THAT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

(imitates gunshot)

WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE BATTLE

BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH,

BUT FOLKS DON'T OFTEN TALK ABOUT THE OTHER CIVIL WAR

BETWEEN EAST AND WEST,

WHICH HAPPENED AT THE SAME TIME.

**

SURE, THE NORTH/SOUTH CIVIL WAR GETS A LOT OF ACCLAIM

BECAUSE, YEAH, WELL, EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT IT,

AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE EAST/WEST WAR.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS A GREAT MAN.

I THINK HE WAS ALL RIGHT. (laughter)

DO I THINK HE WAS AMAZING? NOT REALLY.

DO I THINK VANCE NAEGHER IS A GREAT MAN?

YES.

DOES ANYONE EVER TALK ABOUT VANCE NAEGHER? NO.

(man) TENSIONS BETWEEN EAST AND WEST

REACHED A BOILING POINT IN THE LATE 1850s.

THE WEST HAD EXPANDED AS FAR AS THEY COULD GO,

SO THEY STARTED TO EXPAND BACK INTO THE EAST

AND SET UP THEIR CAPITAL

IN WHAT THEY CALLED "WEST VIRGINIA."

AND WITH THAT, THE NATION WAS AT WAR,

A SECOND WAR--

BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER,

AND BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

THE NATION WAS TORN APART,

AND THEN THE PIECES THAT WERE TORN WERE TORN AGAIN.

THE MORNINGS WERE PARTICULARLY BRUTAL FOR THE WEST,

UH, ESPECIALLY HAVING TO FIGHT

FACING EAST IN THE MORNING

BECAUSE OF THE SUN.

THE SUN WOULD SHINE INTO THE EYES OF THE FIGHTERS

FROM THE WEST, AND THE EAST WOULD COME IN

AND LITERALLY WIPE THEM OUT BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T SEE.

CONVERSELY, AT 5:00 P.M.,

FIGHTERS WHO SURVIVED THE MORNING BATTLE

WOULD HAVE THE ADVANTAGE.

BUT THERE WOULD ONLY BE THREE OR FOUR OF THEM LEFT USUALLY.

AS MOST AVAILABLE WEAPONS WERE ALREADY ENGAGED

IN THE NORTH/SOUTH CIVIL WAR, THE EAST AND WEST ARMIES

WERE OFTEN FORCED TO IMPROVISE.

(man) "DEAR MARGARET,

"AS WE FOUGHT NIGHT AND DAY AGAINST THE YANKEES,

"THERE WERE THESE IDIOTS OFF TO THE SIDE

"HITTING EACH OTHER WITH STICKS AND ROCKS.

COLONEL JOHN PHILLIPS, MAY 16, 1862."

THE SITUATION FURTHER DETERIORATED

WHEN, IN 1863, THE SOUTH/SOUTHEAST

SECEDED FROM THE NORTH/NORTHWEST. (laughter)

IN VIRTUALLY EVERY DIRECTION,

THE NATION WAS AT WAR--

NORTH/SOUTH, EAST/WEST,

SOUTH/SOUTHEAST,

SOUTHEAST/SOUTHWEST, NORTH/NORTHEAST/NORTHWEST.

IT WAS CRAZY.

AND THIS WAS THE STANDARD ISSUE RIFLE...

(laughter) FOR SOLDIERS FIGHTING IN THE NORTH/SOUTH/

SOUTH/SOUTHWEST WAR.

SO THAT IF I'M SHOOTING THIS MAN,

I CAN ALSO SHOOT SOMEONE OVER THERE.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN SOMETIMES

IS THAT YOU'D BE AIMING AT THIS GUY,

AND THEN YOU'D SHOOT A DUCK OR A FRIEND OFF TO THE SIDE.

SO, I MEAN, THE BATTLES WERE VERY, VERY COMPLICATED.

IN VIRTUALLY EVERY DIRECTION, THE NATION WAS AT WAR,

EVEN UP VERSUS DOWN. ("Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" playing)

(man) ALL THE COMPASSES WERE SPOKEN FOR.

OFTEN, SOLDIERS WOULD SPIN IN CIRCLES

UNTIL THEY GOT DIZZY AND JUST SHOOT,

HOPING THAT THEY WERE SHOOTING AT SOMEONE WHO WAS AN ENEMY.

(Paul) THEY STARTED CARRYING SIGNS

TO MAKE THINGS LESS CONFUSING.

BUT PEOPLE DIED.

THEY DIED CONFUSED.

UH, THERE'S A STORY ABOUT A GENERAL

WHO JUMPED INTO THE OCEAN.

LATER, IT TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST SWIMMING,

BUT I THINK IT SHOWS THAT

THAT'S THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR THAT, UH,

A COUNTRY BEING TORN APART IN EVERY DIRECTION CONCEIVABLE,

THOSE ARE THE EFFECTS.

NONE OF THIS IS DOCUMENTED.

2 IS A PAIR--

PARTNERSHIP AND SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

(cheering)

**

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Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

YOU KNOW, YOU ASKED US TO COME HERE, AND, UH,

KIND OF RUINED THIS FOR US.

WE'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR A WHILE.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER NOT DROP OUT,

BECAUSE IF YOU DROP OUT,

THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME FIRST,

SO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. (laughter)

I DROP OUT? (laughter)

NO.

NO, NO, THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT GONNA--

(athlete) THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT, NO. (athlete) THANK YOU. YES.

(cheers and applause) YES.