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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,970 [upbeat acoustic guitar music] 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,430 - WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS. 3 00:00:07,467 --> 00:00:08,597 MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN. 4 00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:10,173 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS... 5 00:00:14,567 --> 00:00:15,797 ABILITY. I CAN DRINK THAT. 6 00:00:18,933 --> 00:00:20,433 [coughs] 7 00:00:22,233 --> 00:00:23,803 SOME PEOPLE HAVE AMAZING ABILITIES 8 00:00:23,833 --> 00:00:26,033 LIKE A HIGH DIVER. 9 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,327 THERE HE GOES. 10 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,333 [cheers and applause] 11 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:31,627 THE JUDGES LOVE IT! 12 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,503 HERE WE GO. 13 00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:37,503 [upbeat rock music] 14 00:00:37,533 --> 00:00:45,533 * 15 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,400 [cheers and applause] 16 00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:54,433 THANK YOU. 17 00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,397 THANKS, AUDIENCE. WELCOME. 18 00:00:58,067 --> 00:01:00,697 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS ABILITY. 19 00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:02,973 OOH. 20 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,030 THAT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE. 21 00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:05,127 THAT'S A BIG TOPIC. 22 00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:06,397 LET'S SEE, HOW DO WE COVER THIS? 23 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:09,333 LOT OF OPTIONS. 24 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:12,097 I COULD DISS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER, 25 00:01:12,133 --> 00:01:13,703 OR DISMEMBER AN AUDIENCE. 26 00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:20,497 OR JOKES. 27 00:01:20,533 --> 00:01:21,773 I THINK VAMPIRES MUST JUST HAVE 28 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,170 AN INNATE SENSE OF STYLE. 29 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,003 'CAUSE THEY LOOK PRETTY GOOD, 30 00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:31,303 BUT THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR REFLECTION IN A MIRROR, SO... 31 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:32,303 IT'S LIKE... 32 00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:35,173 [applause] 33 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,030 YOU LOOK GOOD. 34 00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:38,397 GOT SOME GOOD STYLE. 35 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,373 DID YOU JUST-- HOW'D YOU DO THAT? 36 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,930 IT'S LIKE, "OH, WE HANG OUT IN GROUPS, 37 00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:44,367 AND WE KIND OF CHECK EACH OTHER OUT OR SOMETHIN'." 38 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,570 LIKE, OH, I SEE. 39 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,630 I'M NOT THE BEST RUNNER, BUT I STILL HAVE GOALS. 40 00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:49,967 I'M PRETTY AMBITIOUS. 41 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,230 I WANT TO RUN A MARATHON, I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW. 42 00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:54,527 I'VE RUN IN A MARATHON, BUT JUST ACROSS. 43 00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:55,727 I RAN ONE SHORT WAYS, 44 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:58,327 BUT I NEVER RAN ONE, LIKE, THE LONG WAY, 45 00:01:58,367 --> 00:01:59,527 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 46 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,067 BUT I DO WANT TO RUN ONE, 47 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,700 BUT MY GOALS ARE REALLY SPECIFIC. 48 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:04,033 I WANT TO RUN THE WHOLE RACE 49 00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:06,867 IN A WAY THAT LOOKS LIKE I'M SNEAKING UP ON SOMEBODY. 50 00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:10,500 IT'S LIKE 26 MILES JUST LIKE THIS. 51 00:02:10,533 --> 00:02:11,603 THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL, 52 00:02:11,633 --> 00:02:13,073 BECAUSE THEN WHEN WE'RE GOING BY 53 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,900 AND EVERYBODY'S CHEERING, LIKE, "GO, GO! YOU CAN DO IT!" 54 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:16,633 THEN THEY SEE ME GO BY, AND THEY'RE LIKE, 55 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,567 "HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE. WE GOT A SNEAK IN THE PACK. 56 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,370 RIGHT THERE, THERE'S A SNEAKY ATHLETE." 57 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,970 THE GUY WITH THE MUSTACHE. 58 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,900 HE'S TWIRLING HIS MUSTACHE. 59 00:02:24,933 --> 00:02:27,773 OR MAYBE I WOULD RUN THE WHOLE RACE IN STREET CLOTHES. 60 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,070 JUST HAVE, LIKE, A BAG OF GROCERIES. 61 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:32,500 JUST BE LIKE, "WHAT'S GOIN' ON? 62 00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:35,503 I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET HOME! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" 63 00:02:35,533 --> 00:02:37,473 EVERYBODY'D SAY, "THAT GUY'S IN GREAT SHAPE. 64 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:38,530 "I GUESS HE WAS JUST SHOPPING, 65 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:41,097 AND THEN HE RAN A MARATHON." 66 00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:42,673 THE BEST WOULD BE TO PICK UP A WALLET 67 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:43,770 AT THE STARTING LINE. 68 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,470 JUST BE LIKE, "SIR? 69 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:46,730 "EXCUSE ME, YOU DROPPED THIS. SIR. 70 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,767 "SIR, PLEASE, WAIT! 71 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:48,970 SIR! SIR!" 72 00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:53,527 THE GOOD SAMARITAN IS AT MILE 22. 73 00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:56,597 THIS GUY'S A FREAKING AWESOME SAMARITAN. 74 00:02:56,633 --> 00:02:58,703 HE'S DEFINITELY GONNA GET LAID AT THE FINISH LINE. 75 00:02:58,733 --> 00:03:00,673 THIS IS GREAT. 76 00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,670 THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD IN RELATIONSHIPS 77 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,030 WHERE IF YOU'RE AT A CERTAIN POINT 78 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,897 IN THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN END A CONVERSATION 79 00:03:05,933 --> 00:03:08,533 BY SAYING THE STATUS OF THE RELATIONSHIP. 80 00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:11,527 YOU CAN SAY HOW YOU FEEL, AND THAT ENDS THE CONVERSATION. 81 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,227 IF YOU'RE IN LOVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 82 00:03:14,267 --> 00:03:16,467 YOU CAN SAY, "OKAY, I GOTTA GO. I LOVE YOU." 83 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,900 HANG UP. 84 00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:19,803 BUT YOU CAN'T DO IT, LIKE, ANY TIME EARLIER 85 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,733 IN THE RELATIONSHIP. 86 00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,197 "OKAY, I GOTTA GO. 87 00:03:24,233 --> 00:03:25,733 "UH, I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOU, 88 00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,527 BUT I WANT TO HOOK UP WITH YOU A COUPLE MORE TIMES." 89 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:31,433 [bluesy acoustic guitar music] 90 00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:34,297 - * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING 91 00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:37,033 * IN THE SHOW 92 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:38,997 * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING 93 00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:40,473 * IN THE SHOW 94 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,370 * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING 95 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,470 * WHOA * 96 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:47,730 - GENTLEMEN, THE SITUATION'S PRETTY BLEAK. 97 00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,127 WE'VE BEEN TRYIN' FOR TWO WEEKS, 98 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,297 AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD ON THIS ISLAND. 99 00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:52,603 EVERYONE HERE IS STARVING. 100 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,003 WE ALL KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. 101 00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,203 THAT SOMEONE HERE IS GONNA HAVE TO MAKE 102 00:03:57,233 --> 00:03:58,503 THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. 103 00:03:58,533 --> 00:04:02,033 SOMEONE WILL BE EATEN. 104 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,467 WHO'S IT GONNA BE? 105 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,470 [suspenseful music] 106 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:11,570 * 107 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,970 - SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO IT? 108 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,730 - I MEAN, EVERYBODY, IN ALL FAIRNESS, 109 00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:15,997 SHOULD JUST MAYBE TAKE A MINUTE 110 00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:17,373 AND STATE THEIR CASE. 111 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,030 - I REALLY THINK WE SHOULD GIVE FISHING ANOTHER SHOT. 112 00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:22,367 - WE ALREADY TRIED THAT. THERE'S NO FISH. 113 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,030 - NO FISH YET. 114 00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:26,297 I'M SAYIN' FISH, 'CAUSE IT'S OUT THERE. 115 00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:27,833 - SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO IT? 116 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:30,667 - I SAW A STARFISH LAST WEEK. 117 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:31,830 - I'LL GO FIRST. 118 00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:33,527 AS YOU ALL KNOW, I'M A EXPERT SURVIVALIST. 119 00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:35,727 I'VE BEEN A MARINE TEN YEARS, 120 00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:37,797 AND MOST RECENTLY, A MOUNTAIN GUIDE. 121 00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:40,833 - MOUNTAINS? - MOUNTAINS. 122 00:04:40,867 --> 00:04:43,327 - SORRY, I'M JUST WONDERING HOW THE MOUNTAINS PERTAIN, 123 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,397 'CAUSE THERE'S NO MOUNTAINS ON THIS ISLAND. 124 00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:47,133 - FAIR ENOUGH. 125 00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:51,167 BUT I BUILT A FIRE FOR US EVERY NIGHT. 126 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,070 - IT'S A LITTLE HOT. 127 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,830 ANYBODY HOT? 128 00:04:55,867 --> 00:04:58,267 IT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH. 129 00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,500 - UH, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL GO. 130 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:02,903 I'M A REGISTERED NURSE, 131 00:05:02,933 --> 00:05:04,173 AND I HAVE-- - CERTIFIED? 132 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,200 - WHAT'S THAT. 133 00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:07,133 - CERTIFIED? - REGISTERED. 134 00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:09,227 ALSO, UH, A MARINE, 135 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,827 BUT ONLY FOR THREE YEARS. 136 00:05:11,867 --> 00:05:13,597 - MARINE? THAT'S FUNNY. 137 00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:15,373 ONE ISLAND, WE HAVE TWO MARINES. 138 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,400 KIND OF DOUBLED-UP IN THAT DEPARTMENT. 139 00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:20,203 - OKAY, LET'S VOTE. 140 00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:21,873 - YEAH, LET'S VOTE. - LET'S VOTE. 141 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,770 - WHOA! CAN I GO? 142 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,000 - RIGHT, OF COURSE. 143 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:29,373 - GENTLEMEN, WE ARE STRANDED ON AN ISLAND. 144 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,200 WE HAVE NO FOOD. 145 00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:33,903 WE HAVE NO, UH...SNACKS. 146 00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,473 YOU KNOW, NOTHING. 147 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,100 BUT WHAT WE HAVE IS EACH OTHER. 148 00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:39,303 WE HAVE FRIENDSHIP. 149 00:05:39,333 --> 00:05:40,973 WE'VE--WE'VE BONDED. 150 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,230 MORE IMPORTANTLY, LET'S NOT UNDERVALUE 151 00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:44,797 SOMETHING THAT WE ALL LOVE-- 152 00:05:44,833 --> 00:05:45,803 ENTERTAINMENT. 153 00:05:45,833 --> 00:05:47,133 RIGHT? 154 00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:49,997 I MEAN, I'VE PROVIDED THAT MORE THAN ANYBODY HERE. 155 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,273 THE TIME THAT I FELL BACKWARDS 156 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,800 AND I BROKE THE HUT. 157 00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:54,403 COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY. 158 00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:56,173 - IT DID MESS UP THE HUT. 159 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,300 - BUT LET'S REMEMBER, I'VE DANCED ON THE BEACH 160 00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,303 FOR EACH OF YOU AT SEPARATE TIMES. 161 00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,433 I'M ALWAYS QUICK WITH A JOKE. 162 00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,867 I MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT YOUR WIFE, 163 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,330 HOW SHE'S PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU, 164 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,367 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. 165 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,470 - I REMEMBER IT WELL. - YES. 166 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,470 - THAT WAS HILARIOUS. 167 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:10,700 - IT WAS HILARIOUS. 168 00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:12,803 THERE'S SO MUCH MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM. 169 00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,433 GIVE ME THAT CHANCE. I WILL PUT A SMILE 170 00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:17,797 ON THE REMAINING TWO FACES THAT JOIN ME 171 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:18,803 INTO THE FUTURE. 172 00:06:18,833 --> 00:06:19,903 THAT'S MY PROMISE. 173 00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:22,173 - LOOK, OKAY, I'M THE CAPTAIN. 174 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,870 I'M RESPONSIBLE. 175 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,230 I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICE 176 00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:28,267 TO LET OLIVER STEER THE BOAT, SO... 177 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,330 MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST EAT ME. 178 00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,027 - YES. - NO, NO, NO. 179 00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,867 - IT'S JUST THAT KIND OF SELFLESS ATTITUDE 180 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,130 THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE 181 00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,527 FOR US TO EVER EAT YOU. 182 00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:38,567 - YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. 183 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,170 THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN. - THANK YOU. 184 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,630 - HEY, NO ONE'S EATING ANYBODY TONIGHT. 185 00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:45,067 WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA SLEEP IT OFF, 186 00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,800 WE'RE GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THIS TOMORROW, 187 00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:49,333 AND WE WILL BE EATING STARFISH 188 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,297 AND HAVING A GREAT TIME. 189 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,400 AAH! 190 00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:56,673 [maniacal laughter] 191 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,330 - AAH! AAH! 192 00:06:58,367 --> 00:06:59,827 [boat horn blares] 193 00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:03,197 - HEY! HEY! [horn blows blares] 194 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,927 - * THIS IS A SKETCH 195 00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:21,027 - YES, IT IS. 196 00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,867 - * THIS IS A SKETCH 197 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,000 - THAT'S RIGHT. 198 00:07:24,033 --> 00:07:25,433 - * THIS IS A SKETCH 199 00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,427 - SKETCH IT UP. 200 00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,267 - * IT'S A SKETCH * 201 00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:33,303 [slow, rhythmic acoustic guitar music] 202 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:36,103 * 203 00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:37,503 - * YEAH, YEAH 204 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,500 * YEAH, YEAH 205 00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:46,767 * YEAH, YEAH 206 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,970 * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH * 207 00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,430 [horn honks] 208 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,127 * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH 209 00:07:57,833 --> 00:08:00,303 * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH * 210 00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:01,503 [horn beeps] 211 00:08:01,533 --> 00:08:03,273 * YEAH * 212 00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:12,427 [bluesy electric guitar music] 213 00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:16,767 * 214 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,200 - I DON'T THINK I'D BE A GOOD BABYSITTER, 215 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:19,333 BECAUSE I HAVE THIS HABIT 216 00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:21,327 WHERE I LIKE TO DRAW MUSTACHES ON PEOPLE 217 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,797 WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING. 218 00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:25,633 "HOW ARE THE KIDS? EVERYTHING OKAY?" 219 00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:27,967 OH, GREAT. UM... 220 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,070 SALVADOR DALI WENT TO BED PRETTY EARLY, 221 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,900 AND, UH, HITLER WAS A LITTLE FEISTY, 222 00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:34,903 BUT THEN HE SETTLED DOWN. 223 00:08:34,933 --> 00:08:36,433 SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK. 224 00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:39,667 - [short, quick breathing] 225 00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,570 - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MA'AM? 226 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,700 - NO. I THINK THE BABY'S COMING. 227 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,933 - OH, MY. ALL RIGHT, STAY CALM. 228 00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:48,367 RELAX. 229 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,370 EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS. 230 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,570 WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. 231 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,470 IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE? 232 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,100 IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? 233 00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,897 - EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. 234 00:08:59,933 --> 00:09:01,033 A WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH, 235 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,967 AND THERE IS NO DOCTOR ABOARD. 236 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,200 - WELL, I HAVE SOME MEDICAL TRAINING. 237 00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:06,333 JOE, CAN YOU TAKE OVER FOR A BIT? 238 00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:07,427 - SURE. 239 00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:09,697 WEATHER'S GETTIN' CHOPPY, THOUGH. 240 00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,503 I CAN'T HANDLE THESE LANDING CALCULATIONS MYSELF. 241 00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:13,333 - RIGHT. 242 00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:16,097 [woman breathing] 243 00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,803 - EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS. 244 00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:19,903 DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE 245 00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:21,233 WITH AVIATION NAVIGATION? 246 00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:24,227 - YES. 247 00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:25,297 I'M A PILOT. 248 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:27,533 - DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH 717s? 249 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,167 - YEAH, I DO, 250 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,170 BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M TRANSPORTING THIS PRISONER. 251 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,800 A POLICE OFFICER NEEDS TO BE WITH THIS MAN AT ALL TIMES. 252 00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,103 - OKAY, IS THERE A POLICE OFFICER ON THE PLANE 253 00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:39,673 THAT CAN LOOK AFTER THIS PRISONER 254 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:41,600 SO THIS MAN CAN HELP MY CO-PILOT 255 00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:43,673 SO I CAN DELIVER THAT CHILD? 256 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:44,770 - HURRY! 257 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,930 - UM, I'M AN OFF-DUTY POLICE OFFICER. 258 00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:49,297 - GREAT, GET UP HERE. LET'S DO THIS. 259 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:51,273 - I'M JUST ON THIS URGENT PHONE CALL WITH MY MOTHER. 260 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,700 MY HUSBAND IS CHOKING AT HOME, 261 00:09:52,733 --> 00:09:54,773 AND I'M TELLING HER HOW TO DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER. 262 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,430 - HERE, I'LL TALK HER THROUGH IT. 263 00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,867 - MY MOTHER ONLY SPEAKS KOREAN. 264 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:01,470 - HURRY! 265 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,200 - DOES ANYONE ON THE PLANE SPEAK KOREAN? 266 00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,303 [pregnant woman moans] 267 00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:07,733 - OH, YEAH, MY WIFE SPEAKS KOREAN. 268 00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,227 SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM UP THERE! 269 00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:11,567 [knocks] 270 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,670 - MA'AM, ARE YOU ALMOST THROUGH? 271 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:13,800 WE NEED YOUR HELP OUT HERE. 272 00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,203 - I'VE BEEN BANGING ON THE DOOR 273 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,603 FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES NOW. 274 00:10:16,633 --> 00:10:17,773 THE LOCK IS JAMMED. 275 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,800 [door rattles] 276 00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,673 - IS ANYONE HERE A LOCKSMITH? 277 00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,730 - I'M A LOCKSMITH, 278 00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,627 BUT I DON'T HAVE MY TOOLS. 279 00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,403 BUT IF ANYONE HAS, LIKE, A STETHOSCOPE 280 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,873 OR A TONGUE DEPRESSOR, 281 00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:33,530 I COULD PROBABLY JIMMY THE LOCK. 282 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,127 - IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? 283 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,997 - UH...I'M A DOCTOR. 284 00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:41,073 - GREAT, GREAT, MEET ME UP FRONT WITH YOUR TOOLS. 285 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,270 - OKAY. 286 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,100 - HURRY, PLEASE! THE BABY'S COMING! 287 00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:46,373 - ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LET'S DO THIS. 288 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,370 [inspiring instrumental music] 289 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:57,470 * 290 00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,703 [upbeat percussion music] 291 00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:54,733 * 292 00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,727 [somber acoustic guitar music] 293 00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:06,827 * 294 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,973 [bluesy acoustic guitar music] 295 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,200 [applause] 296 00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:20,733 - OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME DATA. 297 00:12:20,767 --> 00:12:24,027 PEEING AND LAUGHING, LET'S DO AN ANALYSIS HERE. 298 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,867 IF YOU'RE ALONE OR IN A GROUP. 299 00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:30,670 LAUGHING ALONE IS CRAZY. 300 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,600 LAUGHING IN A GROUP IS OKAY. 301 00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:37,173 PEEING ALONE IS OKAY, 302 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,300 BUT PEEING IN A GROUP IS CRAZY. 303 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,970 LAUGHING AND THEN PEEING ALONE IS OKAY. 304 00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,803 AND IN A GROUP, IT'S ALSO OKAY. 305 00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,203 IF THE LAUGHING MADE YOU PEE, 306 00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:54,833 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 307 00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:58,097 PEEING AND THEN LAUGHING, 308 00:12:58,133 --> 00:12:59,533 THAT'S CRAZY IF YOU'RE ALONE. 309 00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,727 YOU DON'T WANT TO 310 00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,027 JUST BE ALONE AND PEE, 311 00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,527 AND THEN GO HA HA HA HA! 312 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,633 IN A GROUP, IT'S REALLY CRAZY EVEN MORE. 313 00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,967 IT'S LIKE, A BUNCH OF US PEED 314 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,470 AND THEN WE ALL LAUGHED. 315 00:13:14,033 --> 00:13:16,503 UNLESS YOU'RE A BABY, THEN IT'S OKAY. 316 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,627 [subdued acoustic guitar music] 317 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,067 * 318 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,230 - DEAR DIARY, MAN, TODAY SUCKED. 319 00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:29,097 BEING DEMETRI'S NOTEBOOK IS THE WORST. 320 00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:30,533 SO I'M IN HIS BACKPACK, 321 00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:32,067 AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING, 322 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,230 AND HE TAKES ME OUT, 323 00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:35,097 AND I SEE WE'RE AT A RESTAURANT. 324 00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,873 HE'S USING ME BECAUSE HE'S LONELY, 325 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,700 AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYBODY TO EAT WITH. 326 00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:43,273 HE WANTS EVERYONE TO BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT ARTIST, 327 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:47,130 THAT WRITER WHO'S WRITING AT A TABLE ALONE." 328 00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:49,167 HE'S GOT NOTHING TO SAY. 329 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,800 HE'S PRETENDING TO WRITE STUFF IN ME. 330 00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:55,073 SO PATHETIC. 331 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:58,370 BUT THEN HE SEES THAT HE'S NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION, 332 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,370 SO HE STARTS TO WRITE A SONG IN ME. 333 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,970 THIS GUY'S NEVER WRITTEN A SONG IN HIS LIFE. 334 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,500 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN WORSE ACTING 335 00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:08,003 OF SOMEONE PRETENDING TO WRITE A SONG? 336 00:14:08,033 --> 00:14:10,233 NOBODY'S BUYING IT, BUDDY. 337 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,227 - * SHE GOT 338 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,097 * DA BA DA BO DA BADA 339 00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:14,403 - WHAT WERE THOSE LYRICS? 340 00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:16,703 "SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA? 341 00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:20,133 SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA." 342 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,297 YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT SONG 343 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,133 TOPPING THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW. 344 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:28,067 DEMETRI MARTIN WITH SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA. 345 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,800 EVERYONE CAN SEE THROUGH THIS GUY'S SHAM. 346 00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,673 THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY WROTE. 347 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,530 I'M SO EMBARRASSED TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK. 348 00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:43,727 - * AND SO I WONDER 349 00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,367 * WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT * 350 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,830 * BETWEEN A ZOMBIE AND DRACULA * 351 00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,027 * 352 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,497 * A ZOMBIE IS VERY STRONG 353 00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:59,473 * BUT DRACULA'S TEETH ARE VERY LONG * 354 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,800 * OH, NO, WHAT WAS THAT? 355 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,403 * I BEGIN TO FEEL 356 00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:04,833 * THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT 357 00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:07,767 * GIVIN' ME A FRIGHT 358 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,600 * I'LL HIDE IN A TREE 359 00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:11,173 * NEITHER OF THEM ARE KNOWN 360 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,670 * FOR CLIMBING ABILITY 361 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,130 * MAYBE IT'S BEST I FLEE 362 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:20,067 * I MUST GET HOME 363 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:23,170 * I MUST GET HOME 364 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,470 * I MUST GET HOME 365 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,370 * OH, NO 366 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,170 * WHOA, OH, NO * 367 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,630 I WAS ON VACATION. 368 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:34,927 I WENT UP TO THESE RUINS, 369 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,567 AND THEN, I WENT TO TOUCH THEM, 370 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,570 AND I WASN'T ALLOWED TO. 371 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,600 THEY HAD, LIKE, A BARRIER. 372 00:15:41,633 --> 00:15:42,733 THEY'RE RUINS, MAN. 373 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:46,903 THEY'RE RUINED, YOU KNOW. 374 00:15:46,933 --> 00:15:48,273 WE PUT IT IN THE NAME. 375 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:51,270 I THINK IT'S OKAY TO JUST, LIKE, TOUCH 'EM. 376 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,500 IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE, LIKE, 377 00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:56,573 TEN CENTURIES OF, LIKE, WIND IN MY FINGERTIPS. 378 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,170 GOD DAMN THIS SUPERHERO, 379 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,030 RUINING THE RUINS TOO MUCH. 380 00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,397 male announcer: BETWEEN SOCRATES AND PLATO, 381 00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:04,573 THERE WAS... 382 00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:11,373 - A MAN'S ABILITIES ARE WHAT MAKE HIM ATTRACTIVE, 383 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,870 BUT NOT ALL ABILITIES. 384 00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:16,570 FOR EXAMPLE, THE ABILITY TO PLAY THE LUTE 385 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,870 IS WELL-RESPECTED BY THE OPPOSITE SEX, 386 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,600 BUT BE WARNED. 387 00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:23,503 AT THE VERY SAME TIME, 388 00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:25,733 THE ABILITY TO PLAY THE AIR LUTE 389 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,927 IS NOT SO RESPECTED, 390 00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:29,767 NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT IT. 391 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,270 BITCHES. 392 00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:38,897 [applause] 393 00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:41,633 - I'M HERE TONIGHT WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. 394 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,267 APPARENTLY, YOU SUFFER FROM AN INTERESTING CONDITION. 395 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,500 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 396 00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,833 - WELL, UH, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 397 00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,533 - I'M SORRY. 398 00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,127 ARE YOU NOT HAPPY TO BE HERE? WHAT'S...? 399 00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:00,527 - I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE HERE. 400 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,770 - WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT WITH YOUR EYEBROWS? 401 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,070 - I HAVE A NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER. 402 00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:13,973 - ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? 403 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,630 - I'M BEING QUITE SERIOUS. 404 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,930 - WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF. 405 00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,427 - WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S CAUSED ME 406 00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,597 QUITE A BIT OF DIFFICULTY. 407 00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:29,127 - IT HAS, OR IT HASN'T? 408 00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,497 - OH, IT HAS. 409 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,200 - WE'LL BE BACK. 410 00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:39,533 [applause] 411 00:17:45,633 --> 00:17:48,603 [tranquil acoustic guitar music] 412 00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:56,703 * 413 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,370 [applause] 414 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,170 - HEY. 415 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,000 THIS IS IMPORTANT. 416 00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,073 THE ABILITY TO RIDE A UNICYCLE 417 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,270 IS DISAPPEARING FROM THE HUMAN POPULATION. 418 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,370 FOR SOME REASON, MEN WHO RIDE UNICYCLES 419 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,900 ARE NOT REPRODUCING. 420 00:20:03,433 --> 00:20:04,933 MEN LIKE THIS. 421 00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:08,033 SCIENTISTS DON'T KNOW WHY, 422 00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:09,997 BUT ONE STUDY SUGGESTS THAN WHEN A WOMAN 423 00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:12,073 SEES A MAN RIDING A UNICYCLE, 424 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:15,230 A HORMONE IS SECRETED IN HER BRAIN 425 00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:18,327 THAT NEUTRALIZES HER DESIRE TO SEE ANYTHING SEXUAL... 426 00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,503 LET ALONE HAVE CHILDREN. 427 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,070 SO WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP UNICYCLISTS FROM GOING EXTINCT? 428 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,800 IF YOU RIDE A UNICYCLE, 429 00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:31,073 HIDE YOUR IDENTITY. 430 00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:34,603 WEAR A MASK TO DISGUISE YOUR FACE 431 00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,603 FROM ANY POTENTIAL PARTNERS. 432 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,270 THAT WAY, SHE WON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, 433 00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:41,030 AND LATER YOU CAN TALK TO HER. 434 00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:44,127 KEEP THAT UNICYCLE HIDDEN. 435 00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:46,427 OR DEVELOP A HOBBY THAT WILL AT LEAST OVERRIDE 436 00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:47,727 THE UNCOOLNESS OF THE UNICYCLE, 437 00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:48,767 LIKE PLAYING GUITAR. 438 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,267 AND WHAT CAN WOMEN DO? 439 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,600 NOT MUCH, 440 00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:57,603 EXCEPT TO FIND THIS ATTRACTIVE. 441 00:20:57,633 --> 00:20:59,473 THANK YOU. THIS IS IMPORTANT. 442 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,100 [applause] 443 00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:04,133 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 444 00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:13,927 [fingers snapping] 445 00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,927 [upbeat dance music] 446 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:24,967 * 447 00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,273 [music stops] 448 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,130 [light laughter] 30358

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