Original subtitles

[upbeat acoustic guitar music]

- WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.

MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

ABILITY. I CAN DRINK THAT.

[coughs]

SOME PEOPLE HAVE AMAZING ABILITIES

LIKE A HIGH DIVER.

THERE HE GOES.

[cheers and applause]

THE JUDGES LOVE IT!

HERE WE GO.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

THANKS, AUDIENCE. WELCOME.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS ABILITY.

OOH.

THAT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE.

THAT'S A BIG TOPIC.

LET'S SEE, HOW DO WE COVER THIS?

LOT OF OPTIONS.

I COULD DISS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER,

OR DISMEMBER AN AUDIENCE.

OR JOKES.

I THINK VAMPIRES MUST JUST HAVE

AN INNATE SENSE OF STYLE.

'CAUSE THEY LOOK PRETTY GOOD,

BUT THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR REFLECTION IN A MIRROR, SO...

IT'S LIKE...

[applause]

YOU LOOK GOOD.

GOT SOME GOOD STYLE.

DID YOU JUST-- HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, WE HANG OUT IN GROUPS,

AND WE KIND OF CHECK EACH OTHER OUT OR SOMETHIN'."

LIKE, OH, I SEE.

I'M NOT THE BEST RUNNER, BUT I STILL HAVE GOALS.

I'M PRETTY AMBITIOUS.

I WANT TO RUN A MARATHON, I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW.

I'VE RUN IN A MARATHON, BUT JUST ACROSS.

I RAN ONE SHORT WAYS,

BUT I NEVER RAN ONE, LIKE, THE LONG WAY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT I DO WANT TO RUN ONE,

BUT MY GOALS ARE REALLY SPECIFIC.

I WANT TO RUN THE WHOLE RACE

IN A WAY THAT LOOKS LIKE I'M SNEAKING UP ON SOMEBODY.

IT'S LIKE 26 MILES JUST LIKE THIS.

THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL,

BECAUSE THEN WHEN WE'RE GOING BY

AND EVERYBODY'S CHEERING, LIKE, "GO, GO! YOU CAN DO IT!"

THEN THEY SEE ME GO BY, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE. WE GOT A SNEAK IN THE PACK.

RIGHT THERE, THERE'S A SNEAKY ATHLETE."

THE GUY WITH THE MUSTACHE.

HE'S TWIRLING HIS MUSTACHE.

OR MAYBE I WOULD RUN THE WHOLE RACE IN STREET CLOTHES.

JUST HAVE, LIKE, A BAG OF GROCERIES.

JUST BE LIKE, "WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET HOME! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"

EVERYBODY'D SAY, "THAT GUY'S IN GREAT SHAPE.

"I GUESS HE WAS JUST SHOPPING,

AND THEN HE RAN A MARATHON."

THE BEST WOULD BE TO PICK UP A WALLET

AT THE STARTING LINE.

JUST BE LIKE, "SIR?

"EXCUSE ME, YOU DROPPED THIS. SIR.

"SIR, PLEASE, WAIT!

SIR! SIR!"

THE GOOD SAMARITAN IS AT MILE 22.

THIS GUY'S A FREAKING AWESOME SAMARITAN.

HE'S DEFINITELY GONNA GET LAID AT THE FINISH LINE.

THIS IS GREAT.

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD IN RELATIONSHIPS

WHERE IF YOU'RE AT A CERTAIN POINT

IN THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN END A CONVERSATION

BY SAYING THE STATUS OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

YOU CAN SAY HOW YOU FEEL, AND THAT ENDS THE CONVERSATION.

IF YOU'RE IN LOVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN SAY, "OKAY, I GOTTA GO. I LOVE YOU."

HANG UP.

BUT YOU CAN'T DO IT, LIKE, ANY TIME EARLIER

IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

"OKAY, I GOTTA GO.

"UH, I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOU,

BUT I WANT TO HOOK UP WITH YOU A COUPLE MORE TIMES."

[bluesy acoustic guitar music]

- * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

* IN THE SHOW

* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

* IN THE SHOW

* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

* WHOA *

- GENTLEMEN, THE SITUATION'S PRETTY BLEAK.

WE'VE BEEN TRYIN' FOR TWO WEEKS,

AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD ON THIS ISLAND.

EVERYONE HERE IS STARVING.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

THAT SOMEONE HERE IS GONNA HAVE TO MAKE

THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.

SOMEONE WILL BE EATEN.

WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

[suspenseful music]

*

- SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?

- I MEAN, EVERYBODY, IN ALL FAIRNESS,

SHOULD JUST MAYBE TAKE A MINUTE

AND STATE THEIR CASE.

- I REALLY THINK WE SHOULD GIVE FISHING ANOTHER SHOT.

- WE ALREADY TRIED THAT. THERE'S NO FISH.

- NO FISH YET.

I'M SAYIN' FISH, 'CAUSE IT'S OUT THERE.

- SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?

- I SAW A STARFISH LAST WEEK.

- I'LL GO FIRST.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, I'M A EXPERT SURVIVALIST.

I'VE BEEN A MARINE TEN YEARS,

AND MOST RECENTLY, A MOUNTAIN GUIDE.

- MOUNTAINS? - MOUNTAINS.

- SORRY, I'M JUST WONDERING HOW THE MOUNTAINS PERTAIN,

'CAUSE THERE'S NO MOUNTAINS ON THIS ISLAND.

- FAIR ENOUGH.

BUT I BUILT A FIRE FOR US EVERY NIGHT.

- IT'S A LITTLE HOT.

ANYBODY HOT?

IT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

- UH, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL GO.

I'M A REGISTERED NURSE,

AND I HAVE-- - CERTIFIED?

- WHAT'S THAT.

- CERTIFIED? - REGISTERED.

ALSO, UH, A MARINE,

BUT ONLY FOR THREE YEARS.

- MARINE? THAT'S FUNNY.

ONE ISLAND, WE HAVE TWO MARINES.

KIND OF DOUBLED-UP IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

- OKAY, LET'S VOTE.

- YEAH, LET'S VOTE. - LET'S VOTE.

- WHOA! CAN I GO?

- RIGHT, OF COURSE.

- GENTLEMEN, WE ARE STRANDED ON AN ISLAND.

WE HAVE NO FOOD.

WE HAVE NO, UH...SNACKS.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING.

BUT WHAT WE HAVE IS EACH OTHER.

WE HAVE FRIENDSHIP.

WE'VE--WE'VE BONDED.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, LET'S NOT UNDERVALUE

SOMETHING THAT WE ALL LOVE--

ENTERTAINMENT.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, I'VE PROVIDED THAT MORE THAN ANYBODY HERE.

THE TIME THAT I FELL BACKWARDS

AND I BROKE THE HUT.

COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.

- IT DID MESS UP THE HUT.

- BUT LET'S REMEMBER, I'VE DANCED ON THE BEACH

FOR EACH OF YOU AT SEPARATE TIMES.

I'M ALWAYS QUICK WITH A JOKE.

I MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT YOUR WIFE,

HOW SHE'S PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW.

- I REMEMBER IT WELL. - YES.

- THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

- IT WAS HILARIOUS.

THERE'S SO MUCH MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

GIVE ME THAT CHANCE. I WILL PUT A SMILE

ON THE REMAINING TWO FACES THAT JOIN ME

INTO THE FUTURE.

THAT'S MY PROMISE.

- LOOK, OKAY, I'M THE CAPTAIN.

I'M RESPONSIBLE.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICE

TO LET OLIVER STEER THE BOAT, SO...

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST EAT ME.

- YES. - NO, NO, NO.

- IT'S JUST THAT KIND OF SELFLESS ATTITUDE

THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE

FOR US TO EVER EAT YOU.

- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN. - THANK YOU.

- HEY, NO ONE'S EATING ANYBODY TONIGHT.

WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA SLEEP IT OFF,

WE'RE GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THIS TOMORROW,

AND WE WILL BE EATING STARFISH

AND HAVING A GREAT TIME.

AAH!

[maniacal laughter]

- AAH! AAH!

[boat horn blares]

- HEY! HEY! [horn blows blares]

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- YES, IT IS.

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- SKETCH IT UP.

- * IT'S A SKETCH *

[slow, rhythmic acoustic guitar music]

*

- * YEAH, YEAH

* YEAH, YEAH

* YEAH, YEAH

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[horn honks]

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[horn beeps]

* YEAH *

[bluesy electric guitar music]

*

- I DON'T THINK I'D BE A GOOD BABYSITTER,

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS HABIT

WHERE I LIKE TO DRAW MUSTACHES ON PEOPLE

WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING.

"HOW ARE THE KIDS? EVERYTHING OKAY?"

OH, GREAT. UM...

SALVADOR DALI WENT TO BED PRETTY EARLY,

AND, UH, HITLER WAS A LITTLE FEISTY,

BUT THEN HE SETTLED DOWN.

SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.

- [short, quick breathing]

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MA'AM?

- NO. I THINK THE BABY'S COMING.

- OH, MY. ALL RIGHT, STAY CALM.

RELAX.

EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS.

WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE?

IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?

- EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

A WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH,

AND THERE IS NO DOCTOR ABOARD.

- WELL, I HAVE SOME MEDICAL TRAINING.

JOE, CAN YOU TAKE OVER FOR A BIT?

- SURE.

WEATHER'S GETTIN' CHOPPY, THOUGH.

I CAN'T HANDLE THESE LANDING CALCULATIONS MYSELF.

- RIGHT.

[woman breathing]

- EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS.

DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE

WITH AVIATION NAVIGATION?

- YES.

I'M A PILOT.

- DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH 717s?

- YEAH, I DO,

BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M TRANSPORTING THIS PRISONER.

A POLICE OFFICER NEEDS TO BE WITH THIS MAN AT ALL TIMES.

- OKAY, IS THERE A POLICE OFFICER ON THE PLANE

THAT CAN LOOK AFTER THIS PRISONER

SO THIS MAN CAN HELP MY CO-PILOT

SO I CAN DELIVER THAT CHILD?

- HURRY!

- UM, I'M AN OFF-DUTY POLICE OFFICER.

- GREAT, GET UP HERE. LET'S DO THIS.

- I'M JUST ON THIS URGENT PHONE CALL WITH MY MOTHER.

MY HUSBAND IS CHOKING AT HOME,

AND I'M TELLING HER HOW TO DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER.

- HERE, I'LL TALK HER THROUGH IT.

- MY MOTHER ONLY SPEAKS KOREAN.

- HURRY!

- DOES ANYONE ON THE PLANE SPEAK KOREAN?

[pregnant woman moans]

- OH, YEAH, MY WIFE SPEAKS KOREAN.

SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM UP THERE!

[knocks]

- MA'AM, ARE YOU ALMOST THROUGH?

WE NEED YOUR HELP OUT HERE.

- I'VE BEEN BANGING ON THE DOOR

FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES NOW.

THE LOCK IS JAMMED.

[door rattles]

- IS ANYONE HERE A LOCKSMITH?

- I'M A LOCKSMITH,

BUT I DON'T HAVE MY TOOLS.

BUT IF ANYONE HAS, LIKE, A STETHOSCOPE

OR A TONGUE DEPRESSOR,

I COULD PROBABLY JIMMY THE LOCK.

- IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?

- UH...I'M A DOCTOR.

- GREAT, GREAT, MEET ME UP FRONT WITH YOUR TOOLS.

- OKAY.

- HURRY, PLEASE! THE BABY'S COMING!

- ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LET'S DO THIS.

[inspiring instrumental music]

*

[upbeat percussion music]

*

[somber acoustic guitar music]

*

[bluesy acoustic guitar music]

[applause]

- OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME DATA.

PEEING AND LAUGHING, LET'S DO AN ANALYSIS HERE.

IF YOU'RE ALONE OR IN A GROUP.

LAUGHING ALONE IS CRAZY.

LAUGHING IN A GROUP IS OKAY.

PEEING ALONE IS OKAY,

BUT PEEING IN A GROUP IS CRAZY.

LAUGHING AND THEN PEEING ALONE IS OKAY.

AND IN A GROUP, IT'S ALSO OKAY.

IF THE LAUGHING MADE YOU PEE,

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

PEEING AND THEN LAUGHING,

THAT'S CRAZY IF YOU'RE ALONE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO

JUST BE ALONE AND PEE,

AND THEN GO HA HA HA HA!

IN A GROUP, IT'S REALLY CRAZY EVEN MORE.

IT'S LIKE, A BUNCH OF US PEED

AND THEN WE ALL LAUGHED.

UNLESS YOU'RE A BABY, THEN IT'S OKAY.

[subdued acoustic guitar music]

*

- DEAR DIARY, MAN, TODAY SUCKED.

BEING DEMETRI'S NOTEBOOK IS THE WORST.

SO I'M IN HIS BACKPACK,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING,

AND HE TAKES ME OUT,

AND I SEE WE'RE AT A RESTAURANT.

HE'S USING ME BECAUSE HE'S LONELY,

AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYBODY TO EAT WITH.

HE WANTS EVERYONE TO BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT ARTIST,

THAT WRITER WHO'S WRITING AT A TABLE ALONE."

HE'S GOT NOTHING TO SAY.

HE'S PRETENDING TO WRITE STUFF IN ME.

SO PATHETIC.

BUT THEN HE SEES THAT HE'S NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION,

SO HE STARTS TO WRITE A SONG IN ME.

THIS GUY'S NEVER WRITTEN A SONG IN HIS LIFE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN WORSE ACTING

OF SOMEONE PRETENDING TO WRITE A SONG?

NOBODY'S BUYING IT, BUDDY.

- * SHE GOT

* DA BA DA BO DA BADA

- WHAT WERE THOSE LYRICS?

"SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA?

SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA."

YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT SONG

TOPPING THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW.

DEMETRI MARTIN WITH SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA.

EVERYONE CAN SEE THROUGH THIS GUY'S SHAM.

THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY WROTE.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK.

- * AND SO I WONDER

* WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT *

* BETWEEN A ZOMBIE AND DRACULA *

*

* A ZOMBIE IS VERY STRONG

* BUT DRACULA'S TEETH ARE VERY LONG *

* OH, NO, WHAT WAS THAT?

* I BEGIN TO FEEL

* THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT

* GIVIN' ME A FRIGHT

* I'LL HIDE IN A TREE

* NEITHER OF THEM ARE KNOWN

* FOR CLIMBING ABILITY

* MAYBE IT'S BEST I FLEE

* I MUST GET HOME

* I MUST GET HOME

* I MUST GET HOME

* OH, NO

* WHOA, OH, NO *

I WAS ON VACATION.

I WENT UP TO THESE RUINS,

AND THEN, I WENT TO TOUCH THEM,

AND I WASN'T ALLOWED TO.

THEY HAD, LIKE, A BARRIER.

THEY'RE RUINS, MAN.

THEY'RE RUINED, YOU KNOW.

WE PUT IT IN THE NAME.

I THINK IT'S OKAY TO JUST, LIKE, TOUCH 'EM.

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE, LIKE,

TEN CENTURIES OF, LIKE, WIND IN MY FINGERTIPS.

GOD DAMN THIS SUPERHERO,

RUINING THE RUINS TOO MUCH.

male announcer: BETWEEN SOCRATES AND PLATO,

THERE WAS...

- A MAN'S ABILITIES ARE WHAT MAKE HIM ATTRACTIVE,

BUT NOT ALL ABILITIES.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE ABILITY TO PLAY THE LUTE

IS WELL-RESPECTED BY THE OPPOSITE SEX,

BUT BE WARNED.

AT THE VERY SAME TIME,

THE ABILITY TO PLAY THE AIR LUTE

IS NOT SO RESPECTED,

NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT IT.

BITCHES.

[applause]

- I'M HERE TONIGHT WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.

APPARENTLY, YOU SUFFER FROM AN INTERESTING CONDITION.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

- WELL, UH, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

- I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU NOT HAPPY TO BE HERE? WHAT'S...?

- I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE HERE.

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT WITH YOUR EYEBROWS?

- I HAVE A NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER.

- ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

- I'M BEING QUITE SERIOUS.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.

- WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S CAUSED ME

QUITE A BIT OF DIFFICULTY.

- IT HAS, OR IT HASN'T?

- OH, IT HAS.

- WE'LL BE BACK.

[applause]

[tranquil acoustic guitar music]

*

[applause]

- HEY.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

THE ABILITY TO RIDE A UNICYCLE

IS DISAPPEARING FROM THE HUMAN POPULATION.

FOR SOME REASON, MEN WHO RIDE UNICYCLES

ARE NOT REPRODUCING.

MEN LIKE THIS.

SCIENTISTS DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT ONE STUDY SUGGESTS THAN WHEN A WOMAN

SEES A MAN RIDING A UNICYCLE,

A HORMONE IS SECRETED IN HER BRAIN

THAT NEUTRALIZES HER DESIRE TO SEE ANYTHING SEXUAL...

LET ALONE HAVE CHILDREN.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP UNICYCLISTS FROM GOING EXTINCT?

IF YOU RIDE A UNICYCLE,

HIDE YOUR IDENTITY.

WEAR A MASK TO DISGUISE YOUR FACE

FROM ANY POTENTIAL PARTNERS.

THAT WAY, SHE WON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

AND LATER YOU CAN TALK TO HER.

KEEP THAT UNICYCLE HIDDEN.

OR DEVELOP A HOBBY THAT WILL AT LEAST OVERRIDE

THE UNCOOLNESS OF THE UNICYCLE,

LIKE PLAYING GUITAR.

AND WHAT CAN WOMEN DO?

NOT MUCH,

EXCEPT TO FIND THIS ATTRACTIVE.

THANK YOU. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

[applause]

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

[fingers snapping]

[upbeat dance music]

*

[music stops]

[light laughter]