All language subtitles for By.the.Wayside.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG2_English

(phone dialing)

(phone rings)

- [Francine] Hello?

- [Jim] Hey, hey, how's it going?

- [Francine] Hi Jim, what's up?

- [Jim] Things are kinda
looking up a little bit I think,

so I just figured, give you a call.

- [Francine] That's... that's fine.

And it's been a while.

- [Jim] Yeah, yeah.

- [Francine] It's nice to hear from you,

I'm glad you called.

- Well, I got, I dunno, I'm just,

I got a gig this next week.

- [Francine] You do?

- Yeah.

- [Francine] Oh, what are you doing in it?

- Well, I mean, it's just like,

well it's like background work, you know,

but I mean.

- [Francine] This is, you
said it was background?

This is a background gig again?

That's nothing, that's shit.

- It's not shit.

- [Francine] You're not making
any money on this, are you?

But, how old are you, Jim?

- I'm 31.

- [Francine] Okay, so how does it feel

to have spent the last 31
fucking years doing nothing?

- Whatever, man.

- [Francine] You have to
at least pay bills, Jim.

You fucked that up.

- Whatever, we live together you know,

it's like I paid the
fricking gas and electric

for like September through
January, pretty much.

And that was expensive,
those were winter months.

- [Francine] I'm too
old to have to take care

of my struggling slacker ex-boyfriend.

It's like you don't even struggle.

(knock at the door)

You need to put forward just
a little bit more effort.

You need to try harder.

- I'm trying,
I am trying.

- [Sam] I gotta piss.
- What?

Fuck off, Sam, I'm on the phone.

- [Francine] All right, are
you gonna at least come up

to visit my parents this
weekend like we talked about?

- Wait, when's "this weekend"?

- [Francine] Great.
- No, that'd be cool, yeah,

totally, I mean, you know,

it's good to cement things.

- [Sam] Are you through, I gotta piss,

are you through here?
- What?

- [Francine] Who's that?

- It's Sam.

What, dude?

Get outta here, I'm on the phone.

What the fuck are you eating?

Goddamn it, dude.

- What does it matter where
I'm having a conversation?

It's the same conversation,

I could be having it on the toilet,

on my fucking front porch, in
my office, it doesn't matter.

Just a private place to talk.

- [Francine] Why are you, like,

having a friend in the bathroom with you?

- What the fuck are you doing, Sam?

I don't know. Hold on.

Dude, what are you doing?

Shit-head!

- I'm trying to be
respectful as your friend.

- He pissed on me.

- [Francine] He pissed on you?

- [Jim] He's in the shower.

Damn it, Sam.

I'll call you back.

- [Francine] All right.

- You want a cracker?

- [Jim] Thanks, dude.

Francine, man,

she always gives me shit about

being a deadbeat doing background work.

Why don't you make a movie about me?

So I can show her something
for my reel, perhaps?

- [Jim] I'm not gotta do this,
okay, I got responsibilities.

I gotta be... go to this warehouse,

to interview this guy tomorrow, okay?

- You know what I'm doing right now?

- You make docu-films, you
make like 15 half docu-films.

I don't have any ink in the printer.

- [Jim] What the hell does that mean?

- [Sam] I can't afford it, you know why?

Because I've been paying your
rent for the past five months.

How about you get a job?
That's a great idea.

- [Jim] What do you need
ink in the printer for?

- [Sam] Just so I can print
out the damn directions.

- Use a pen.

- Because we're out of pens.

We don't even have milk in the fridge.

- But it's easier to go
buy a print cartridge

than go buy pen for 25 cents at the store?

- [Jim] Can't memorize
directions like normal people?

- [Sam] No way in hell I'm
gonna remember that stuff.

- [Jim] You should take Gingko Biloba.

- [Sam] It doesn't work!

I take it to remember my
lines and shit like that.

- What lines? You're a background actor?

- [Jim] Whatever, Sam.

(indistinct chatter)

- I need my ink for the printer.

(indistinct chatter)

- [Landlord] Hey, I see
you, you freaking maggots.

You owe me rent, Charlie!

Come on, Charlie!

(dramatic music)

You're dead, boy!

I see you! I see you guys!

(indistinct yelling)

- [Landlord] Open the freakin' front door!

- Almost lost my balance there.

- Shit, this sucks. We have
to sit out here all day long.

- Well, you're gonna deal with that,

'cause you're the one that
owes him all the rent.

- I blame society, you know?

- I blame you.
- I got you!

Jesus Christ!

- Get back here.

- Dude, what the fuck?

- Listen to me good!

I want my rent, I want the rent.

- He's gotta go to the bank.
- I want the rent right now.

- The money is in the bank,
isn't it? Isn't it, Jim?

(engine roaring)

- Hey, you hear that?

(plane engine roaring)

- It's 'Nam! It's 'Nam again!

- I need a mustard gas bomb.

Ahhh!!

- Get back here!

- We're gonna get the
cash, he has the money.

- How much rent do we
owe you? I lost track.

- You look like a freaking hippy maggot.

Why don't you get a haircut?
You look like a girl.

- I look all right though, right?

- Honestly here, here, here.

Okay, you can, you don't trust us,

we will be right back you
can stay in the apartment.

- Big freaking deal, I
stay in some rat-infested...

- [Sam] No, I have videos.
You can bide the time.

We'll be, if you don't
trust me, we'll be back.

I mean, how are we not gonna pay the rent

if you're in our apartment?

So I think you should just...
- Yeah, it's a good idea.

- We'll be right back.

- The Green Berets, John Wayne?

- [Sam] Yeah, I got green, I
got the blue ones too, man.

- [Jim] Yeah, we'll be right back.

(sighs) Jesus Christ.

I can't believe you let him in our house.

Looking for John Wayne
movies which we don't have.

Well, you know what?

This is all your fault anyways.

- I can just see... where's
the fuckin' John Wayne movies?

- At least you have a jacket,
I'm freezing my ass off.

- Do you want my jacket?

- No, I don't want your jacket.

I don't know, I don't
have any ideas, but..

- Shit!

- What?

What?

- You're not gonna like this...

This is particularly (beep)
that I need for tomorrow,

is back at the apartment.
- Well, you go that's exactly

why shouldn't have told
him to stay in our house.

- I say you call Francine

and you have her pay
your side of the rent,

'cause I got to the cash.

- There's no way in hell she's
gonna pay the rent for me.

- You gotta give her a call.

I'll call my mom before I call her.

- I'm gonna go back to the apartment.

I'm gonna go get the (beep).

I need you to stop the bullets
and they ricochet off you.

Let's go over there.

- So you gonna put some booze
on your expense account?

- Yeah, what do you want?
- I don't know. Just a beer.

- Well, you can come in, you know,

I'm not gonna be like,
what am I? A delivery boy?

- I "can" come in?

- Come in. It's doesn't
say "no dogs allowed".

(indistinct chattering)

Wait a second.

Where'd you get 10 bucks from?

You're a lying sack of shit.

- This is necessary.

- You are a lying sack of crap.

- Never say I never do nothing for ya.

- You're a lying sack of shit,

but that's all right.

- I'm not a lying sack of shit, man.

- No, you're a standing sack of shit.

- Yeah, I'm a background extra.

- Yeah, "I'm a background extra."

"I'm a background extra."
You doing anything else

instead of bitching about
being a background extra?

- I don't bitch about it, man.

I'm perfectly content with sitting there

eating their shitty free food.

- [Sam] Look at that, you have a dollar...

You have a...?

- [Jim] I got a Brooks
and Dunn guitar pick.

I don't know where I got
this in the first place.

- Where did you get that shit from?

- I don't know.

- I gotta a Kiss one, you know.

It has, like, Gene's tongue,
it's really... it's great.

Good conversation starter.

Not that many Kiss fans in town.

Do you like Kiss?

- I fucking hate Kiss.

- That's your problem.

Jesus, man.

What the hell are we gonna do?

We're like stuck out here.

- Shot my mule, burned my wagon.

- Know who we should get a hold of?

What is she gonna do if she
gets into the apartment?

What she gonna say? "Hi, I'm
Sam's girlfriend, Candice.

He asked me to come by
and get the (beep)."

Maybe you can dress her
up like a cleaning lady.

- She's a smart one, she'll
figure it out, watch.

Come on. Just go back.

- No.
- Come on.

- Can you talk to me outside about this?

- [Sam] No, I can't.
- [Jim] Hey, Candice.

- Can you go outside?

- What's he doing here?

- [Jim] What, am I not
allowed in this store now?

- No, why aren't you in the welfare line?

Your unemployed friend?

Oh, fuck you, get a job.

- I have a job.

- You don't have a job.

- I need the (beep) for tomorrow.

- I don't ask you to open for me, do I?

- I got a shoot at 6 A.M tomorrow.

- Then what are you doing here?

Then go get the (beep) and shoot!

- I can't go back.

- Oh my God.

- I'm gonna break up with
you then if you don't go,

- Oh, poor me!

Break up with me then.

- [Jim] Might not be
the best bartering tool.

- 10 minutes.

- [Boss] Five minute break.

- See, five minutes.

- See, he doesn't care.

- Why do you care?

- I don't want to.
You get so self-conscious
about things, seriously.

- Maybe you should be a
little more self-conscious.

- Why?
I think I'm fine.

- [Candice] 'Cause you're a fuckin' putz!

- I say just go, just go real quick.

- No, no.
- Come on, come on.

- No, no.

- Hey, man! You're
passing off the pug, huh!

- [Sam] I'm not talking to the pug,

I'm talking to you.
- I talk to you all the time,

I don't wanna talk to you later.

- Hey, Garry likes you.

- I don't like Garry.

- He was in the Vietnam war, man!

You gotta have some sympathy.
- I don't care if he's in the war.

- My grandparent were in Auschwitz,

you think I care if he's in the war?

And what's the deal anyway?

You can't afford the rent...

- [Sam] Hey, so...

- [Jim] You can afford the rent just fine?

You can afford the rent just fine?

- [Sam] No I can't, I'm broke.

I've been broke for awhile.

- Some friend you are.

- Because I've putting it

on the expense account.

- [Jim] Do you know that
he has an expense account?

(Candice chuckles)

- Yeah, the "expense account".

- How long we been dating now?

- It's just like an abyss now.

- [Sam] Fine! Fine, Candice!

- Yeah. Get out. Go film something.

- You're a bitch.

- [Sam] All right, see you later.

- Hey, bring some, bring
some of them, you know,

later, all right?

- [Boss] Right on, man.

- [Sam] Right on, man.

You're still a bitch, though.

- [Dio] What's going on? How you been?

- Been okay, you know. Just hanging out.

- Yeah, yeah?

- [Sam] Dio.
- [Sam] Who's got a light?

- [Dio] What's up?

- Hey.
- Yeah, I got a light.

- What's going on, man?

- [Dude] Nothing,
nothing, just hanging out

talking to my friend here.

- A dieuto you.

- Good to see you, man.

- I need a favor.

You know my crazy landlord, Garry?

- That guy creeps me out, man.

- Why?

- Dude, are you asking me "why"?

- I have this (beep) inside
the apartment that I need.

I need it really bad tomorrow, man.

- [Dio] Yeah?
- [Sam] Can you go for me?

- [Dio] Well, you're just
screwed, Jew'ed, and unglued.

- I'm going through some
tough shit too, you know?

- What happened?

- Yeah, I'm homeless now, man.

I had to get out of that place.

- I thought you were living with Beaver.

- That motherfucker, he tried to like,

gnaw a hole through my wall the other day.

- Like you could see through
the other end of the wall.

- I'm not even kidding. Okay?

I think he's going to
rape me or something.

Or like eat me.

Like rape me and then eat me

while I'm still alive.

- [Sam] So what are you
doing? Where are you staying?

- You know, I'm just
couch surfing or whatever.

- [Sam] Oh, damn it, man.

I need to get that (beep), man.
I can't be waddling around like this.

- So what do you wanna do?

- Well, what do you want?

- [Dio] You can't go anywhere else for it?

- [Sam] I can't, you know why?

I got a boot on my car.

I got a suggestion.

- Francine, your girlfriend,

doesn't she have a car?

- I'm not going to fucking call Francine?

- She's not even in town, man.

- Why do you keep asking me to call her?

- [Sam] Hey dude, I was
listening on that conversation

when you were in the bathroom.

She's not even in town,

she's with her parents.

- Yeah but...

- I cover your rent,
just do me this favor.

- Man-
- Come on.

- I don't wanna call her. I really don't.

- It's okay. Come on.

- [Sam] So she can say,
"No, you can't use my car."

- I didn't say anything about calling her.

- What do you want me to do?

- Give me a rock.

- I'm not giving you a rock.

- Give me a rock.
- You're not gonna break into her car.

- [Dio] I am really good at hot-wiring.

She has spare keys, right?

Let's break into her apartment instead.

- You are such an asshole,

you always put me in these
positions every time.

- You're still gonna do it,

so why are you arguing with me?

- I don't want to deal with it.

- [Sam] You're still gonna
end up doing it right?

- [Sam] Come on. Come on. Come on

- [Jim] Go to her apartment?

- Come on, let's go.
- What do you want me to
do, go to her apartment?

- [Sam] Yeah, we're going, let's go.

- Break into her apartment?

- [Sam] Yeah, sounds great.
(Jim stammering)

Let's go, come on.

(lock clanks)

- What, you can pick a deadbolt lock,

but you can't pick a car lock?

- Yeah, I'm very specific, you know.

- Christ, Dio.

- [Sam] She put it under
a mat or something?

- It would be probably hanging here.

That's not her car key, right?

They're probably freakin' gone, dude,

she probably took them.

You know Francine.
She's freakin' neurotic.

She always paranoid about
people busting into her house.

(objects clanks)
(dramatic music)

- What does she use that for?

- That's the question.

All right, she's gotta
be taking something.

What's she on?

What's this?

- [Jim] Sam, get out of there.
Dude, her keys aren't in the
fucking medicine cabinet.

- Hey, you don't know people
put their this stuff in, uh...

- Get out of her bathroom!

The keys aren't in here.

(Jim sighing)

God damn it.

(Sam laughing)
- What are you doing, dude?

- Find anything?
- [Jim] Shut up, dude!

- I'm looking for her keys,
shut up! You guys are assholes.

- Get out of here.

Just get out of here.
God damn it.

(indistinct chattering).

Shut up.
- Take your time.

- I even don't know where the keys are.

They're not here, okay?

- You wanna go?

- [Sam] Give me a rock.

- [Jim] I'm not giving
you a fucking rock, Sam.

- [Dio] You know...

- [Jim] What do I know?

- [Dio] How much like, she
makes you feel sometime.

Just think about that.

- Stupid Candice, man.

- Just think about that.

She'd respect you more,

if you stood up to her, think about that.

Stand up to her!

- I don't need Bob Seager telling me
how to handle my fucking love life.

- All right, call her.

- Just tell her that you
need the car for a job.

Ask her what the spare keys are,

you know what I mean?

- [Francine] What is it, Jim?

- I just, I know it's not the best time

to ask you for a favor, but I
really need to borrow your car

for just like 20 minutes.

I need to go, I have a job interview.

I could possibly get a
barback gig at this place

and I feel like...

- [Francine] No.

- What?

Come on, I just...

- She's always giving
you shit about a job,

so you got a job.

- Yeah, you're giving
me shit about a job...

Come on, please. It's gonna be like 20...

- Seriously. Look at this shit.

It was in the house. It was in her house.

And what does it look like?

- It just looks like they're, you know...

It's like a couple...

- What is he gonna say?

- [Dio[ I'm just saying.

- [Jim] Mother... fucker!
(glass shattering)

- Well, looks like we got the car.

- Where'd you get this?

- I didn't get it, he did.

- Where?

- It was in her house.

- That's called "Move
On Up, Motherfucker".

- This is freakin' like a week ago!

She just bought this shirt!

- Hey! Yes or no? Beers!

- [Jim] Fuck yeah! God damn it.

- Wooo!

- [Dio] That's what
I'm talkin' about, man!
That's what I'm talkin' about!

[Jim] Where are we going?

We're going to find your magical (beep)?

- [Sam] Let's go some booze first

we need some for the road.

- We do. We do.
- Hey, what's going on
with Francine here, man?

- Come on guys, take a look.

Oh my God.

- I love the way the
world looks like this.

- You wanna go there?

[banter]

- Well, I got Francine's flask,

I hope this is her flask.

- Oh no, wait! This is probably... hey...

Hey, this is probably Francine's
new boyfriend's flask.

- [Jim] Oh, shut the fuck up, man.

- It was in the car, man.

- I don't know, I don't
want to deal that shit.

I really don't.

- I got pop song for you.

- [Jim] I can't listen
to pop songs right now,

I'm feeling more angry,
do you have anything
like early 80's hardcore

or something?

(banging)

(screams)

- He's losing his mind, man!

He's losin' his fuckin' mind!

- Let's go to the make-out point!

(screams)

♪ I'm a fiend in outer space ♪

♪ I'm gonna get a penis enlargement ♪

♪ I'm gonna break open my head-case ♪

♪ I got her ♪

♪ On the telephone ♪

♪ Like the good ol' days ♪

- Let's pull over here,

I remember this hill!

- [Jim] Oh, this is where we first met!

You remembered!

- [Dio] Motherfucker.
- Come on, man.

- Take a swig.

- Dude, I don't... fuckin'

I should've known, she was
like started fucking dating

somebody anyways.

I mean, it's probably easier
that it's some fucking

douchebag. You know what I mean?

- Look at that, man.

- I guess it's kind of pretty

in that filthy disgusting way.

- [Jim] I mean, if you think
about it like a Sci-fi novel,

it's pretty damn beautiful.
You know what I mean?

- I'm having alcohol withdrawal,

I need to get to the liquor store.

- [Jim] You're an alcoholic.
No, you're not an alcoholic, right?

- You drink to forget.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- That's what it is.

- I'm a drunk, I'm not an alcoholic.

There's a big, big, big,
big difference in that.

- You drink to forget that
you're a fucking alcoholic.

Isn't that it?
- No, that's too much.

Stop psychoanalyzing me.

- [Jim] I drink to forget.

You drink to forget,

you drink to forget you're
a fucking alcoholic.

- I drink to remember.

- [Jim] That's the
story, you remember that?

- Yeah.

- When was the first time you drank booze?

- Actually, this kid,

his uncle bought us a bunch of beer.

It was Bush Light and
I drank in the woods,

I remember eating gummy
bears earlier that day

and vomiting them all over the floor.

I like have this image branded into

my brain of like this pile of foamy,

Bush Light and frickin'
a pile of like half-eaten

gummy worms on the floor.

- Well, when I got drunk... my babysitter

got me drunk, actually.

And then she folded me up
and put me in her armpit.

It was really weird.
That's what I remember anyway.

I'm sure that didn't really happen.

But I think that was the effect of alcohol

on me at the time.

- [Jim] What is this happenstance?

(car engine runs)

- [Jim] Where are all these
fucking glasses coming from?

- [Sam] I don't know.

- Are you seriously gonna try to still go

to that job in the morning?

When do you have to be there? At 6 a.m.?

- Hey, I live my life in the moment.

- It's fucking Jack Kerouac here, man.

Let's just drive to
Philadelphia, you know.

We'll maybe steal a car

and everything will be really romantic.

That motherfucker left out all the shit

that he was huffing and how
he became a bitter alcoholic

and all that shit.

- [Dio] Yeah, he joined
the KKK too, remember that?

- No, he did not.

- [Jim] Yeah, he did actually.

- Yeah, he did, yeah.

[Sam] What??

- Well, he joined their
mailing list, at least.

- [Jim] we need petrol
because we're really low

on petrol right now.

- [Sam] What are you doing
anyway? How are you getting by?

- I don't know.
Hopefully something to do with music

occasionally, you know.

- [Sam] What you mean with music?

- Well, I mean, my shit,

my stuff, you know, my music.

- What do you do? Like
Lou Reed cover songs?

Is that you do?

- [Jim] Do like Lou Reed's
version of an R.E.M song.

- Let me see. Like, uh...

This one goes out

to the one I love

I think that, that's
kind of like Lou Reed.

- Do Dylan R.E.M..

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

- Early Bowie.

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

- [Sam] Love! You gotta go up.

- Oh yeah, "Love"!

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

You're right, you're right about that.

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

♪ This one goes out to the one I love ♪

(screams)

♪ This one goes out to
the one I left behind ♪

(screams)

(indistinct yelling)

- Do you want one of these?
- [Dio] Yeah.

- [Sam] Are we gonna get any hard stuff

or are we just gonna stick to this jazz?

- Well, maybe we move it about...

start out with some jazz
and then take some acid

and end up with some fusion.

And then maybe we'd get more progressive

and start listening to fucking Rush.

And then we could blow our brains out.

(indistinct)
(car engine roaring)

- Hey, you want some?

- [Jim] Ah, dude. It's spluttering.

- I told you we needed to get some petrol,

God damn it.

- [Dio] Hey man,

I don't get how people run out gas.

- [Sam] 'Cause you don't drive, asshole.

- [Jim] Shit!

Who's gonna push the car.

- [Sam] What?

- She's gotta have a gas can.

- [Sam] Lovely.

- [Jim] She doesn't
have a fucking gas can,

but she has her goddamned
whole whole wardrobe in here.

- [Sam] Why are they
in the back of her car?

- [Jim] She's a wardrobe
stylist for movies.

- [Sam] What is she,
making a Civil War epic?

What the fuck is this?

- [Jim] I don't know, why
don't you wear a coat?

You're "freezing".

- I'm not going to wear this damn jacket

with you guys wearing
these regular jackets.

'Cause I don't wanna
look like, I don't know.

It look like... Peter Pan! Come on.

- You know, I don't want you

to be the only freaky-looking one.

- I want to be freaky-looking, too!

- Hey, hey you already look freaky-looking

and I didn't want to tell
you anything about that.

(indistinct)

- Oh, whatever. You're original.

- [Jim] We gotta get some gas some how.

I'm not wearing that shit.

- [Sam] You're wearing this.

- I'm not wearing that shit.

- You are wearing it.

- I'm not fucking wearing it.

- Come on.

- Shouldn't we get just like
a milk jug or something.

- Are we actually going to
the gas station right now?

- Rocco actually lives
up the street, you know?

He might have a gas can we can borrow.

- You can't just piss on
people's doorstep around here.

- Well, maybe they deserve it, you know?

Think of it like that.
- So anyways...

- What are you doing? What
the fuck are you guys doing?

Looking at my windows?

(indistinct yelling).

- Disrespect a man's property?
Trespassing?

You pissing on my lawn?

(dramatic music)

- Hey! Hey!

- [Jim] We just ran out of
gas, we were just hanging out.

- "Just ran out of gas", you degenerate!

- Come on, hey come on.

You come back here,
I'll rip your face off!

- [Jim] There's so many
tweakers around here, man.

I told you not to fucking
piss on strangers' lawns.

(panting)
- Holy shit, man.

- Shit.

- You guys going to the
Tarantula Le Arms, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I can't go there, man.

- [Sam] What do you
mean you can't go there?

- Rocco won't let me in, man.

- [Sam] Why won't he let
you in, what did you do?

- [Jim] That's 'cause you
went in there the other week

and started Wild Turkey

drunking all over the place.

- Just stay outside.
- [Jim] He lives in the bar?

- He lives above the bar.
They let him drink in there.

- He's an alcoholic?
- No, he's not an alcoholic.

He doesn't go to meetings, it's fine.

Come on, let's go.
- So he's a drunk like you?

- [Sam] Yeah, yeah like me.

- Hey, what's happenin'? Rocco!

- What's up with the jackets?

What are you doing?

What are you wearing?

- [Sam] I'm just on the run right now.

- You're on the run?

- We're on the lam.

- You're on the lam.

- [Sam] Do you have a gas can at least

or something we can borrow?
- I do not have a gas can, man.

- [Sam] Hey, you got a
gas can I can borrow?

- Nobody's gonna have a
gas can in the bar, Sam!

Jesus Christ.

- People have gas cans in their cars, man.

- Boo Boo you got a gas can?

- Ahh, ha, ha!

You got a gas can?

- I'll give you a gas can.

- I haven't seen you in a
while, what's going on, man?

- Oh, you guys know each
other? (indistinct chatter)

- Hey, it's the virgin!

- Come on, let's get out of here.

- No, you're cute and shit but like, nah.

- [Sam] What does that mean,
she's cute and shit but nah?

What do you mean?

What's your name?

- I'm Roxy.

- What's wrong with Roxy?

- Nothing's wrong with Roxy.

- We're all going to die anyway, come on.

- Logically, why would anyone
ever bring a gas can to a bar?

- Have you tried eating a can of beans

and then sitting on the carburetor?

(laughter)

- Does he Elvis you with his junk?

- Why are you asking
the questions like that?

- You know, it's like,
you know the answer.

- I think that I'm the one.

- [Mars] You are the one?

What makes you think you're worthy of me?

- What's your name again, mate?
- Mars.

- "Mars". Oh, like the
candy bar, I got it.

- Or the planet, that too.

- So how long have you two been dating?

- We haven't been dating.

She's been buzzing around
me for a little bit.

- All right.
- We've been dating for a while now.

- Since last Saturday.

- [Boo Boo] And he won't give it up?

Wait 'til you get stung, boy.

- Now hold up, you're a virgin?

- [Mars] Yep.

And she's trying to get some?
Why won't you give it to her?

- Because I'm Catholic,
I don't believe in that.

(chatter)

(laughter)
(indistinct chatter)

- [Drunk] Okay, here's a joke.
I don't know if I got it correctly.

What did the Catholic priest say

to the choir boy?

- What?

- Ah, that's a good boy.

That's a good boy.

(chuckling)
Is that?

I think that's how it went.

- Is that a joke or a story?

- [Mars] That was a joke?
- I think so.

- [Boo Boo] That joke was a joke!

- I don't know.

(laughter)
- Do you want us to leave,

like that like clears places out.

- [Drunk] I told you I'm not
much of a religious person.

- You're not much of a joke teller either.

- I wouldn't want you
pissing on my door step.

- That's guy's crazy and
he's all hopped up on

who knows what, man.

- He probably is crazy,
it's what I was telling you.

It's like don't piss on
the dude's doorstep...

- [Boo Boo] All right,
look, what's the difference

between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

(slow laughter)

(loud laughter)

That's right, Boo Boo wins.

- All right. I gotta hit the pisser.

- You need a hand?
- Come on, lighten up.

- I know, I can't lighten up.

- Hey, let me tell you something.
This guy ain't no virgin.

- [Roxy] That's what I thought.

- That guy's gay, look at that shirt.

- Oh, just cause I don't...

- 'Cause you're gay.

- I ain't gay.

- Why do you have to wear a gay shirt?

- [Mars] I wear a classy shirt.

He's wearing a sofa on his, like, back.

- [Roxy] Yeah, but he looks cool.

You just look like a nerd.

- That's 'cause that's style.

- That's a style?

I got my own style.

- [Stig] You guys do 'shrooms?

- Oh, yeah.

- I wanna do some 'shrooms.

- I know a guy. Name's Tryste.

- They don't even have gas money.

- What kind of name is Tryste?
- The guy who sells 'shroom.

- Tryste or Trystan?
- Tryste.

- The thing is

he hangs out at phone booths
but he won't use a phone.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- Follow me.

- Right now?

- See you guys later?

- You coming back?

- [Sam] Dio's outside,
he's waiting for us.

- Who shows up to a bar
asking for a gas can?

Man, you know?

- Fucking low-lives.

- It seems like a wild goose chase.

It always seems like a wild goose chase,

with you, Samuel.

- Hey, come on.

Imma introduce you to Tryste.

He's across the street, come on.

- Stigs

- Sup?

- Long time!

These are my friends.

- Sam. What's going on, man?

- Are we gonna be friends or what?

- We're gonna be friends.

- Are we gonna be friends?

- Fast friends, all of us?

- Fast friends.

- Dio. Nice to meet you.

- You know, nothing I have

is gonna be like psychoactive right now.

- What, you're out?
- Yeah.
- You're out.

- You said he had shit. You're out.

- I'm doing something else right here.

- What do you mean you're
doing something else?

- I'm doing, I'm a, uh, take...

I'm like cradling this
phone, for a completely...

- I thought you said
he doesn't like phones?

- Cell phones.

- Oh, cell phones.

- I don't drive either,
that's kinda my thing.

- So you're out, so...

You know anyone that has any shit, man?

- There's channels and there's avenues.

And we can take walk.

- All right.
- All right.

- I used to be one of
the biggest coke dealers

in this neighborhood.

Let me tell you what happened...

- Hey, Tryste.

- You guys got to
remember a word right now.

There's this stuff
they've been cutting coke

called levamisole.

And it's a cow and pig dewormer.

- What?
- Laxatives and baby powder, you know,

it's usually what you cut coke with.

- [Jim] What does that have to
do with us getting 'shrooms?

I'm just telling you my fucking story.

- All right, all right!

- [Jim] It's good information, right?

It's good information.

- [Sam] I'm not gonna use the information.

- [Dio] The point is, he's an ethical man.

- We are going be fast...

- Don't buy any coke.

- We were gonna be fast
friends, I thought.

- Fine. We're fast friends, fast friends.

- I'm giving you a little bit on myself

and a little bit of like current
events happening right now.

- [Stig] Iggy the singer,
he's got a rock hard body.

- Yeah, yeah he's like 80 now, right?

Look at this guy.

- Do you guys really feel
like you need to stop

at every plateau to make
it to the next level.

Is that what's going on right now?

- Just catching our breath.

- We need, like, shrooms to
reach your level of elevation?

- Oh cool.

- Oh okay.
- The level of elevation.

You know cool, all right cool.

- Evolution, actually, is
what I'm trying to say,

- Oh, cool.

- Coooool.

- We just want to make sure
we're not being dicked around.

I'm not saying you're a jerk-off.

I'm just trying to make sure
we're not being dicked around.

- Where'd jerk-off come from?

(music)

- What do you guys need, like, the intern?

- Mushrooms.

- What are we going to
get shrooms here? No.

- I thought we were getting from you?

- Let's go get some beer here.

Let's do that real quick and
then everyone will calm down

we'll have a drink, maybe
everything will be all right.

('music)

(car tire screeches)

(indistinct panic)

- Hey.
- Shit.

(indistinct happy yelling)

- [Mars] Are you all right??

- What are you doing?

- Dude!

Yo! That dude's not gonna sue, right?

- It's all right. I'm good.

- What are you guys doing?

- I don't know.

- This piece of shit says
he's gonna get us 'shrooms!

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Is it all right if he comes with us?

- Yeah.

I think there's a parking spot over there.

(indistinct chatter)

What's going on here?

- [Jane] Here's your money.

Shut up. Here's your money.

- [Tryste] Thank you.

- Hey, what's up guys?

- It's the virgin!

- Oh, dude! Come on!

- Don't call me out in front of every...

- [Jim] It's all right.

- [Stig] Flavor savin'!

- [Sam] When are you planning
on losing your virginity?

- When I find the right chick.

- Hey, hey who's that girl?

- I think she's a hooker.

- Jane.

- Jane, nice to meet you.

- Easy.
- What do you?

- See that guy with the
suspenders right here?

- [Jane] Is he handicapped?

- [Sam] No, he's not handicapped.

But you see the guy with the suspenders?

- [Jane] Yeah, I see him.

- He is a virgin.

- Is he handicapped, that's my question.

- He is not handicapped.
He can stand up.
- How old is he?

I don't know how old he is.

"48".

- And he's still a virgin?
- He still a virgin.

- Guys, get the fuck over here.

- Here, let's go.

What is it? Your birthday or something?

Come on.

(sleazy jazzy music)

- I specialize in animal fantasies.

- I've always thought
about this, would you...

- [Jane] Do you want
someone to be on the same

playing field as you?

- No, I've done things...

- [Tryste] Let's talk about
our worst sexual experience.

- There's no other thing,
other than truth right now.

- They fell asleep while doing it.

(laughter)

- I've got a story. I was like,

I was down in this town, this
guy kinda fucked me over.

So, I went home and I fucked his brother.

Well, little did I know he
had a 12 year old sister.

Well, yeah, she walked
in on me fucking him.

Oh, that was another story.

Then, you know, he had a wife as well!

So, it was a three-fight
right in this face

like baby I am over (indistinct),

- What about most painful
sexual experience?

Does that count?
I was living abroad

and I had an English boyfriend

and one night... I would say he
was extremely boring in bed.

One night we actually managed
to have interesting sex

and he said, "Darling, I'm
gonna cum on your tits".

And he came in my eye.

(laughter)
- No.

- This, this right here is my...

- [Sam] What do you know?

- This is my worst sexual experience.

- My first sexual experience was.

- Worst!
- Worst...

(laughter)

- [Voice] The first is the worst.

- It's true, the first is the worst

and mine... mine was near a
barn and I didn't wear anything.

So, what I thought would prevent pregnancy

was sticking my fingers
in and scooping it out.

- [Woman] Ugh!

- Ugh. Never mind...

- Yeah, I don't know.

Chlamydia kind of sucks.

(laughter)

- One time we were doing horsey play

and he kicked me in the
head really, really hard.

(laughter)

- Going back to the barn.

(rag-time music)

- Wait, can I watch?

Let me know how it's done.

(laughter)

- There's nothing wrong with my-

- You're gay and you
don't want to admit it

because you think that's like-

- We are very tolerant.

- [Jim] You could be gay, it's fine.

- [Mars] I'm not gay!

- Why are you so overly sensitive?

- There you go.

- Under the blue light
everything is pastel.

- I don't know, man.

It feels like some shitty rave I went to

but it's all right.

- Portia specializes
in gender reassigning.

- I can pretend to be a
man, I can wear a tie.

I have a tie, I can tie you up.

- [Mars] Mmmph!

- [Jim] Go with her, Mars! It'll be fine!

- I'll be back here in
like one hour, all right?

- Why, why do you gotta leave?

What happened to the shrooms?

- Are you ready to fucking wait?

Chomping at the bit to wait right now.

- Sure, sure.
- You're coming back, right?
- Very comfortable.

- Yeah, as far as you know.

- How good of a friend is he to you guys?

- I don't even fucking know him.

- Anybody here know Tryste?

- Well, you know, you got money for you.

- You wanted to come up here

'cause your friend is a virgin.

- Hopefully he's not.

- Not anymore, he isn't.

- All right.

(sighs)

- Why don't you just wait
for your friend to be done?

- So, what's next?

- [Francine] Okay, Jim,
you sorry sack of shit

because I never heard back from you

or any of your mouth-breathing sidekicks,

this is my last message.

I called the fucking cops.

I know you have no balls but to listen

to that little shit Sam
who put you up to it,

so fuck you, fuck Sam,
have fun in jail, dick!

- All right, let me get that jacket.

- There we go.

- Warmish. I'm warmish.

- Francine knows I stole her car.

She said she's gonna
call the fucking cops.

- Holy shit.

- Are you fuckin' serious?

- You stole someone's car?

- We didn't steal
someone's... we borrowed it.

We're going to return it.

- It's my ex-girlfriend's car.

- Who are you people?

You stole her car.
- I didn't steal her car!

I paid freaking insurance on
that car for three months.

It's part mine anyways.

Are we on the lam?

- Are the cops coming?
- What the fuck is going on?

- We are on the lam! The
cops are coming! We gotta go.

(indistinct chattering)

- What the hell is going on?

Where are you going?

(indistinct chattering)
(dramatic orchestral music)

- All right, if you were parked,

can you still get a DUI?

- I got a DUI when I was parked.

- How does that work?

- As long as the keys are in the ignition

you can get a DUI while you're parked.

- No way.

- Yeah, as long as the
keys are in the ignition

We were in the car listening to the stereo

and I was trying to feel
this girl's breasts.

Must have felt some good boob, though.

- Yeah, yeah I did.

- It was the first, well, not the first

but second boobs ever felt.

The first boobs ever felt,
the girl killed herself.

- And what are we gonna do now?

Take me somewhere.

- The train station is that way.

We're going to the train station.

- It's not that way, it's that way.

- The tranny station?

- No! The train station!
- What is wrong with you people??

- With his teeth, he
gnawed through my wall.

Like a hole, through my wall.

- He basically made a glory a hole.

- Cerveza.

- That's what... cerveza!

With a little bit of 'vino tinto'.

- Where are you from?
- Portuguese.

- No, I know guys like you.

You don't have any fucking money.

You're bored, you're hanging out.

What else are you going to do tonight?

Hey, look you found some
girls who are also bored...

- I think road work's ahead.
- Watch out!

- You're really rosy-cheeked right now.

- I used to do this thing in college.

It's called, "I'm not drunk".

All I did was go like this.

See, I'm not drunk.

- You went to college?

- What kind of hookers
go to college anyways?

- You're all a bunch of
hookers with day jobs.

That's what it is.

- Do you even have a job? I'm sorry.

- No, I don't have a job.

- Do your parents pay for everything?

- No.

- What does your 401K look like?

- My girlfriend does.
- Oh, your girlfriend does.

You are awesome, dude.

You are fucking awesome! So talk

some more shit about us.

- I'm sorry, I'm not talking shit,

I'm just frustrated.
I'm taking it out on the wrong person.

I should be taking it out on Sam.

- You realize no one's paying
attention to you, right, Jim?

- You just heard what I said,

- You have time right now to have fun.

- And what?
- And look at this.

- We're meandering around.

- There's four of them,
there's four of us.

(new wave music)

- Does anyone have anymore juice?

- No, we got to get more juice.
- Anyone have any more juice?

- What are you, a kid?
You want your apple juice?

- Hey Jim, take this picture.

- Are you gonna take our picture?

- I don't have a camera.

Take it with your mind.

- Want me to take a photograph?

On a count of three, all right?

Ready, smile, everybody look stupid.

Three, two.
(laughter)

Seriously, though. This is serious.

(indistinct chattering)

(camera shutters)

- Okay, ready?

- Smile and say cheese.

- [Group] Cheese.

(camera shutters)

- There you go.

(music)

- I think we should do drugs tonight.

- What do you wanna do?
- Can you guys, please...

Do you guys have a 'shroom?

- We are talking about it.

Why do you have to jump into everything?

- Do you want mushrooms?

- Can you actually get us mushrooms?

- Sam, why do you always
have to jump into everyone's

conversation?

- Jane always get us mushrooms.

- I have to go...

- Down to Roy's place so...

- You should... but it's late, so...

I don't wanna walk...
- Is he your boyfriend?

- Just go with her. Just go with her, Sam.

You should probably walk with her.

- She doesn't want me to go
with her because she hates me.

- Whatever just go with her.

- You can use your anger to
fend off all the mean people-

- Whatever, you guys are
perfect for each other.

- Why are you picking me?
- Just take a walk.

- Because I don't want you
to cause trouble around

everyone else.

- Why am I the troublemaker?

- Just go.
- Why am I being...
Getting into this corner?

(Jim mumbling)
- Be quiet for a second.

- We should get booze.

- You wanna get booze?

- 'Cause I don't know if they're
going to be able to get...

- What time is it?
- I don't know, like 1:30?

- We're going.

- We're gonna go get stuff.

- (indistinct)
- Sally. Sally-

- Sally, Sally, Sally.

- Sally.
- Salamander!

- I'm going!

- [Sally] Okay, Okay-

- Just meet us back around...

- [Sally] You can text me.

- Meet us back at the Malandrea.

- We should go right
now, if we're gonna go,

we need to do this, okay.

- Hey you guys, we're gonna
go get some booze so...

- We'll catch you back at the...

(dramatic music)

- You're gonna be nice?

- Oh.

- Oh my God.
(laughing)

- You know I'm blind, right?

- I work in a clinic, I do
accounting and I'm homeless.

I use my disability to
send home in Chicago.

I'm going to stay homeless,
but I work a job every day.

- Where you... you're from Chicago,

how long have you been out here?

- Ever since 1989.

- I was actually, I was like 13.

And that was, I was on
vacation, down in Florida

and I kind of, I had like my,

I had this whole like romantic,

it was the first girl
I ever kissed, right?

I was on vacation and I
was so in love with her.

I was like, we're going to get married.

- Thanks for coming with me.

- Well, I don't think I really for-

- Even though they are for,
like you and your friends.

- Look at this bookstores.

You like books, you read,

I don't know if you... I
mean, your type reads.

Does your type read?

- Type.

- I don't know, I'm like...

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm such a dumb hooker.

And I don't know nothin'.

- Why, you're very
convincing in that part.

- I don't know nothing.

- All right, what's your favorite book?

What's your favorite, what do you read?

- Reading what?

- What's your favorite, what do you do?
- What?

- Answer my question. Why
are you avoiding my question?

- How do I read a word?

- And I was obsessed with her

and in that time I was
completely obsessed with Nirvana.

And so the week ended and I had to go home

and I was like, completely...

My heart was fricking ripped out

that I had to leave this
girl and I didn't want to.

- Okay, The Great Gatsby.

And the last line I think it's last line.

- "And so we beat on
like boats, born against

the current, born ceaselessly
back into the past."

♪ Saying this will be the die that I die ♪

♪ This will be the day that I die ♪

(laughter)

- Let's all die together.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Yes.

- Hey, why not?

I mean, shit. What this world owe us?

(indistinct chattering)

- Don't do it, OG.

- What?

- Do you like Bukowsky?
- I love Bukowsky.

- "Hell came through by
window creeping so slowly

I hardly heard him... "and this
is just like a summary of it.

- It's a summary?

- Summary, "And he sat
across from me on the couch

and I laughed at him and
then my wine bottle fell,

but I went to go catch it.

But while I was catching
it, I spilled my beer."

- And I was like, oh shit.

- And so I get on the plane.
I'm like, oh, I'm just crying.

Like listening to Nirvana.

And this guy was like,
did you hear Kurt Cobain

just killed himself?

And I was just like with that,

with like my little
stupid heart being broken

it just made me so sad.

I went home and made like
crappy Nirvana collages

and cried my eyes out for like two weeks.

- They're not the exact,
the exact words, but-

- Okay, okay so it was what you felt...

- You think Bukowski
is just about drinking

and like being a jerk?

So go on, the...

- He is like a lot more
than that. It's, it's nice.

It's like, hell happens to everyone.

Like this shitty thing. It happens...

It just... nevermind, you're so dumb.

You don't even fucking know
what I'm saying right now.

- And this is how pathetic it was.

I mean, it sounds so ridiculous now

but actually, I actually like bled

and like made a little heart

and like said something
like we love you Kurt-

- Am I going to hurt your feelings

if I tell you something like,

that I (indistinct).
- No tell me, what are saying.

- I do not... I actually hate Nirvana.

- We are shushing.

- We don't get along very well right now.

- Yeah, you know...
- Let's just go get the drugs.

- Okay. Rejoice!

(siren blaring)

- It's like, when I was
younger I was forced to do it.

I feel like when you're a kid,

like everything that's
like put into your mind

when you are a child becomes
like part of who you are.

No matter if you want it to or not.

You know what I mean?

- Why are you-

- Like if I saw porn when
I was three years old.

That becomes a part of me because...

You get that or no?
- Not really.

- Roy's right up here.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Roy is at The Tarantula Arms
- Yes.

- He's at the bar right there.
- Yes.

- He's at that bar.
- Yes.

- That's bullshit.

- Well, we're almost there. Let's go.

- What happened over at Tryste's house?

- Tryste, nothing happened with Tryste.

(indistinct chatter)

- You're the guy?
I was here earlier.

- You're the guy...

Are you the guy that
Tryte was taking us to?

- Don't listen to him babbling.

So, do have the stuff?

- You got, do you have the stuff?

- Yeah, we can go outside.

(piano plays)

- Do you have the 'shrooms?

- Yeah, but in addition we have,

today I have pills, I have powders.

I have uppers, downers.

- I know.

- This is like Indian chief, like-

- I know.

- Close to peyote. It's damn near peyote.

- Shaman. Shaman-esque.
- This. And this is this.

- And then, here.

- Yeah, put, can you just put
this in your purse, you know?

- And this is for new customers.
- I got...

They're Civil War pockets,
they have holes in them.

- Put it in.
We are good, all right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna tell you right
now. Like, it's not you.

Many have tried, but
to be honest, like no.

I'm steadfast in my ways.

- What was different about that time?

- Because I don't want to.

It's not you, it's not...

- It's not that I didn't want to, okay?

But I keep doing it for some reason, okay?

- It's the situation you're in.

- I'm crying, my make-up is running.

(siren wailing)

- You did what you did but it's not you.

- [Jane] Did we interrupt you?

- Is it a magic moment?

- Are you okay?

Are you okay?
- Right.

You guys are gonna feel good right now.

(laughs)

- We're fine.
- Okay, I got the staff that we wanted.

- Okay, let's go.

Wait, wait. Let's get
everybody else first.

♪ We got the jazz ♪

♪ We got the stuff ♪

♪ The stuff that makes us ♪

♪ Have much more fun. ♪

(indistinct chatter)

- Hey, hey. Save some for the rest of us.

- This tastes like hell.

(laughter)

- Portia, you're not gonna participate?

- I'm all right.

- What do you mean you're all right?

This... this is all we...

This is the whole reason we met you.

- Exactly.
- The reason why we're here.

- Look at this.

- You got to live in the moment.

I am the moment.

Last bite, last bite, last bite.

- The only thing I normally
do is psychedelics,

I won't touch cocaine or
any of those harder drugs.

- I won't touch cocaine but
I will rub it on my gums.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know when you're
walking down a hallway

and you're on 'shrooms,

And you're like, how
long is this gonna take?

- Is there a hallway nearby?

We're going to the Malandria?

- They said you were buying that dude food

on your expense account.

- No, I'm not. I don't even know that guy.

- Can you sing a song?

- I sing. I'm trying
to make a buck or four.

You never know, everybody
might have some change.

And how about this?

♪ I know you want to leave me ♪

♪ Leave me ♪

♪ But I refuse to let you go ♪

- We're back-up singers.

♪ If I have to beg and
plead for your sympathy ♪

♪ I don't mind 'cause you
mean that much to me ♪

- [Tweaker] Get the fuck of me.

(birds chirping)

(slow psychedelic folk song)

(indistinct chattering)

(siren blaring)

(piano music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

- You know I started in
the bartending business

when I was 65

and like that, your drinks down here.

- We gotta buy fluorescent lighting...

(indistinct chatter)

- There's something over
there, in the window

of the building.

This is where the Beaver
used to live, right?

- He gnawed my arm off.

- A serious story here.

There was this man, you know.

Who you lived in this apartment with...

Oh, weeping, weeping, weeping.

Terrible oh, oh, woe is me.

Terrible, terrible, terrible

Terrible man, who you live...

- We need to get revenge!

I need revenge.

- All right, we shall recrevenge.

You know we shall wreak revenge!

We shall go to his apartment.

- Why did you get into your profession?

- Because it was a easy
way to make a living.

- Why?

You couldn't?

You couldn't, you couldn't
be a, you didn't...

- I was a phone sex operator.

- You couldn't do anything else?

You couldn't wait? You
couldn't wait tables?

- No. 'Cause it's easy. It's from home.

- So you're lazy?

- Yeah.

(laughter)

Is that what it is?

You live in that place, that we were?

- Wait, wait, why are you asking me?

Stop with all the questions.

- That's what I do.

- What do you do?

- I make documentaries.

- Okay, yes, you're a documentary.

- I'm, I'm a do... I'm not a documentary.

- You're a documentary filmmaker.

- So, what do you say about me, then?

- You want me to be honest with you?

Everything I've been doing tonight.

- Be careful what you say...

- We're going to play the truth game, now?

Are you really a hooker?

- I get paid for sex sometimes.

- But, uh, it's kind of,
but I was with him before...

before I started.

- Yeah?

- So, he had the background
to sort of deal with it.

And it's hard to find a new
person who would wanna be

in relationship with someone like me.

- Is Tryste your pimp?

- Tryste is not my
pimp, I don't have pimp.

- So, why'd you give him money?

- I borrowed money from him.

It's really not that complicated.

(laughter)
- That's it?
That's it?

(laughter)

That's it.

- Yes.
- That's it, bullshit.

- That's it.

- I can take care of myself.

(laughter)

I saw him, I saw...

- Okay, pretend you're like
some guy off the street

and you're like gonna bother me.

- I'm gonna shank you!

- And I throw you to the window like this.

- That's awesome.

Yeah, but in reality,
that would not happen.

He would just, he would come up behind you

and just slit your throat, you know.

- That would never actually happen.

- You have a key, right?
- I do have a key.

- You still have a key there?

- Yeah, I do, I have a key.

- We gotta, like, rearrange his shit...

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
(muttering)

- He'll go crazy!

- Yes, that's a great idea! Oh my God!

- I have it. Right here.

- Let's go.
- Lets fucking go.

- Come on, lets go.

- You get along with those
girls pretty well, though?

- I mean, they go through
the same stuff that I go

through every single day.

- Yeah.

- We get along pretty well.

- We look out for each other.

- My friends, I can deal with their shit

because at the end of the day,

I know they're there for me.
They want to see me happy.

They see me kind of unhappy.

- My feet hurt.

- Do you want to be carried?

- Carry me.
- Yes, get on my back.

- No, I don't really
wanna get on your back.

- I'm very stable, I can carry you.

Here.
(indistinct chatter)

(laughter)

- What's up with your friend Sam?

You guys don't really
seem to get along, great.

- Whatever, we get along well.

You know what I mean?
Sam is an asshole, I give
him so much shit for it.

But then again, it's like,

I'm like this like self-conscious
person that needs that.

Like when I think about it,
God, it makes so much sense now.

Sam, he's a freakin' asshole.
- Yeah, yeah you need that.

- I love the guy, he balances me out.

You know what I mean?

I need someone to, you know.

Tripping, it always sounds different.

- What?
- So what?

- What?
- So what, what?

- Are you gonna put me
on your expense account?

- You want to be honest,

you want me to be
completely honest with you?

- Yeah.

- I don't have an expense account.

- Oh.
- Oh, big reveal, right?

Are we were playing the truth game still?

I actually...

- I actually am very, very fortunate.

Don't tell Jim this,

but I can pay the rent
just fine without his help.

Our landlord is actually insane, you know?

Like I pay him the rent, he still comes,

comes knocking at the door.

He's just insane.

I just want, he's having some problems

and I just wanted to
take him out for a night.

So he has a good time.

- So you just wanted to have fun with him.

- So, why are you here
out of your own account?

You're not getting paid for this.

Why are you here?

Are you, is this on your expense account?

Is that what's going on?

- I thought you knew.

I like you.

I can tell you like me.

- Yes, I do.

- Okay, so.

So let's go somewhere.

- Fine.

(ragtime music)

- [Dio] If you were a pumpkin I'd eat you.

(indistinct chattering)
(ragtime music)

(blues song)

(indistinct chattering)

(object clanks)

- Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!

- Who... who... who are you?

- Who am I?

This is my place, skippy.

Who are you?

- I thought it was a different,

I thought it was somewhere else.

- Who are you?

- I'm just a friend.
- Just a friend?

Friends dress like street whores, huh?

- Sala... Sala, I mean...

- Is this your friend? Are you the Beaver?

- The Beaver?

- Are you the fucking Beaver?

- Do I look like a freaking Beaver?

I'm the cop, lady.

Get the hell up, sit
in that damn chair now.

Quit stalling.

You're getting freaky with him.

You're gonna get freaky with him?

Are you getting freaky with him?

Come on, Skippy! Feel her up.

Come on, get creepy.

Come on, is that what you here for?

Now you grab his crotch, honey.

Come on, there you go.

That's a good little perv bitch.

Come on, come on, come on, there you go.

All right, all right now.

Look up here, look at me.

Damn it. Look at me.

Now, we're going to
get serious, all right?

You sweetheart stand up.

Come here, come here.

Come here, sunshine. Turn around.

Who tagged you in the face, sunshine?

- It's a long fucking story, motherfucker.

- Skippy where are you going?

Get back here, Bob Seger.

Get back here.

(gun firing)

- [Sam] You have to smoke at least,

do you have a cigarette, god damn it.

- I wish I could help you, man.

- Go to the liquor store
and buy some smokes

- I'll be back.

- Hey, hey. Do you have,
uh, do you have a...

- Sssh! - Do you have a
cigarette I can bum off you?

- Not so loud.
- Do you have a cigarette?

- No autographs.

- I don't want a... do
you have a cigarette?

- There's a cigarette.

- Hey.
- What?

- Sam.
- Bill Moscone.

I'm a singer.

- He's a singer.

- Why are you always talking
about Kiss? Kiss sucks!

- Oh shit, Jesus.

- Oh, there you guys are!

Francine's up my ass,

her car is magically missing.

Where's the stolen car?

- We didn't steal her car, all right?

- We didn't steal it, we borrowed it.

- Oh shut the fuck up, Sam!

- Francine can go eat a bowl of dicks

with her new boyfriend, for all I give...

- New boyfriend?

What new boyfriend?

- What do you mean what
new boyfriend? Dude here.

There you go.

- [Sam] Let's not talk
about this right now,

I got a massive hangover.

- Oh, this guy?

This guy is her boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- This guy is a fucking retard.

- Yeah, no shit, Candice.

- No I mean he's literally retarded.

Don't you... she's been working

at the Big Sisters Program, you dick.

- The Big Sis... what the hell
is the Big Sisters Program?

- You should know about it actually,

it's for the mentally disabled adults.

What made you think
this was her boyfriend?

- We found a fricking mustache
comber in her apartment.

- Yeah.
- Oh my God,

her parents have been in town.

- Oh, it's probably her mothers'.

She's Italian, right?

- You and Dio said the same thing!

You're the ones who instigated

and saying that it was her boyfriend.

- Well, I mean, we just wanted
you to steal Francine's car

that was it, you know?

- Oh my God.

- There is a guy chasing
me with goddamn gun, dude.

- Does this look like they're making out?

- I don't... I don't know.

It looks kind of suspicious.

- Oh my God, they're not making out

- See, there's a kiss fan.

- Come over here, come
over here. Look at this.

- Dude, they played last night.

They played last night, down the street.

I heard the explosions.

- They played last night down the street.

If we weren't hanging out
with a bunch of hookers,

we could have seen Kiss.
- Hookers?

Fucking hookers?

- They were hookers with day jobs.

- Hookers?

And a stolen car.

- Holy shit, what the fuck is that?

- Oh, fuck!

(ragtime music)

- My girlfriend found out we
were with a bunch of hookers.

- [Bill] Okay, okay, okay.

- How's it going?

- You know, I'm still standing.

- Nice place you got here, man.

- You got any booze, man?

(indistinct chattering)
Do you mind if I...?

- [Bill] It's not the
Four Seasons, fellas,

You have to unwrap the glass.

- You here by yourself?

- Oh, yeah. For tonight, anyway.

- What's your story?

- I'm a singer.

- Do you mind if we sit down and -

- Sure. Sit down, make yourself at home.

What's your story, what do you do?

- I'm a virgin. Virgin by choice.

- You tell people that,
that's your introduction?

- This was your choice?
- It's a choice.

- Bill, we were trying
to get this guy laid-

- So what?
- Then look at what happened?

Look at this.

- I got laid when I was 14.

- What happened?

- The nanny.
- The nanny?

- Oh my God, she was good.

How about you?

- Dio.

- Dio, when's the first time you got off?

- You know, I was in, I
was like in fifth grade.

- You were in fifth grade.

- I was in fifth grade...
- And?

- I didn't even think to
see this sexual thing.

I was just like, Oh,
this feels really good.

And I actually thought
about winged Pegasuses.

- Let me get this straight,

you're jerking off and
you're thinking about

a fucking unicorn with wings?

- It's not a unicorn.

It's just a horse with wings.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I'm the weird one,
he's thinking about horses with wings.

- Well I was like 10 years
old, dude. (laughter)

- So here I am, you kow, with the nanny.

One evening she comes in to check on me

to tuck me fucking in.

You know what I'm saying?

(laughter)
(indistinct chattering)

15 and she's tucking me in, baby.

- It was beautiful, man.

And you know, I think that's
probably why I like brunettes.

- [Jim] What did she
do? Give you a hand job?

- [Bill] No, no.

- You don't brag about a
hand job, even I know that.

- Hey, when I was 15 I
bragged about hand jobs.

- You haven't lived

till you had a proper hand job.

- Hey man, you wanna go to the bathroom?

- Anyway.
(laughter)

- There we go, here's the table.

- All right, put your hands on the table.

Put your hands on the table.

Put your hands on the table.

- All of them?
- Put your hands on the table.

- All of them, all five of them.

- All right, look at the table.

- Our hands are on it.

- Boom, yeah!

Let's fuck shit up!

- I'm going in!

(screaming)

Come on, jump in.

- I think I was better off with Candace.

- You remember levamisole. La Bamba soul.

- [Jim] That's how
Ritchie Valens died, man.

I can't do this shit.

(Mars laughing)

- You're the first dude ever

who got it on his forehead!

- Are you a single man?

- Oh yes.

- [Dio] There's only one of him.
He's a single man.

- So, what do you do?

You look like a classy sort of gent.

- Because of how I feel about youse guys,

I'm gonna sing a song for you, right now.

- See what you did now, man.

(upbeat music)

- I'm tired.

- I am tired of you being
tired of being on my car.

- Brand new day, right?

♪ No cops, no China fights. ♪

- What about me?
What about you and Jezebel?

You're gonna... ask her out?

She charged you for that?

- No.

- No, it's probably easier to fill.

- Gas stations is right around the corner,

Francine's car is two blocks away.

We'll be all right.

♪ No hotel elevator rides ♪

♪ For would be grooms ♪

♪ And blushing brides ♪

- Yo! What's happening guys?

You guys know where
Panoramic Boulevard is?

- Panoramic? Take a
look around, panoramic.

- Somewhere in this neighborhood.

Panoramic Boulvevard.

Hey, you've got a beer there.

Par-tay!

- Only one beer amongst all of you?

- I like their outfits too.
- Just hanging out.

- Whose got some weed, guys?

Come on, come on.

(indistinct chattering)

- Are you guys like
high school principals?

(indistinct chattering)

- Hey man, let's bring some tunes.

I want to hear some music, man.

You got any Motown, or some Rock?

- You guys got a nice spot here, man.

This fucking place is incredible.

- You siphoning gas, or what?

- No, no, no. I gotta
go to the gas station.

To fill up the gas can.

- Hey, what happened to this guy?

- Oh, that's a long story.

- It looks like you got in a fight.

- He was at the public zoo.

- This and your tie,
together are fantastic.

Did I tell you how much I like this tie?

I like it a lot. Like...

- You know what I'm going to
tell you guys? Guess what boys?

- What?
- Police.

(lounge music)

- You can get those at... at the store,

(indistinct chatter)

- Which one of you guys has the dope?

- I got nothing on me, hey come on.

- Got the keys in the ignition.
- Oh, come on, I didn't even feel a boob.

- He's a virgin!

- Come on, this city's full
of rapists and murderers

and you're over here
busting this poor guy's...

Don't you have anything better to do?

- You have fucking one arm on your jacket.

- All right, you guys
get the fuck outta here.

- No way, what are you arresting him for?

- Get out of here.

- What are you arresting him for?

- You're not even a real cop!

- Get the fuck out of here.

- You're not a real cop.

- Come on.

- What are you arresting him for?

- Sam.

- You didn't even read
him his Miranda Rights!

- Get out of here now, go.

- Do you want to party?

You wanna join the party?

- Dude, we stole Francine's car.

- They don't know anything about that.

They don't know a
goddamn thing about that.

This is completely unrelated.

- I still have fungus in my pocket too.

Also, by the way...

- I'm really glad that
you have that and not me.

'Cause they actually searched me.

- I have a couple of pills

that I got from that Roy guy.

What did they do, did they take him in?

- Never a dull moment, huh?

- These fucking guys,
what do they got in here?

- Anything good we can party with?

- I feel rejuvenated.

- [Mars] Hey, come on.

- [Mars] My mom's the mayor.

- What's a bad chemical
equation to ingest?

- I don't know.

(laughing)

- And I said, for all you
know I could be Jesus Christ

here to judge you, I'm fucking vindictive.

(screams)

Why'd you come back?

Why'd you come back?

You, why do you come back at me?

- What's up, man?

- You peeping in my windows?

Pissing on my lawn?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Why did you do it?

- Hey man, I'm sorry!

- Look at me.

Looking at me in the middle of the night.

- I can't see. I can't see.

(indistinct screaming)

- God damn it, Sam!

- Just go.

(indistinct yelling)

- What, you want me to
leave? I'm not gonna

fucking leave, man.

Lay down.

- Fucking cops are coming.

(siren wailing)
(helicopter whirring)

(screams)

- This is pretty much.

- Oh, shit, man.

- This is pretty much...

- What the hell's the matter with you?

- Hat on the bed, that's bad luck.

Hat on the head, that's good luck.

- Drugstore Cowboy! Good movie.

- Talking shit when you're
already like feeling guilty

about sleeping with Jane.

- Well that's fine.

Well, I don't know what my
situation was with Candice-

- You don't you don't know exactly.

- Do you know what?

I, honestly I dig Jane, you know.

Be honest with you. But...

- You ever call her Sweet Jane?
(Sam chuckles)

- [Mars] You know this
girlfriend one night,

she's already at the
same level as Candice?

- I don't mean it that way.

Don't turn this
conversation... it's about you.

It's about you.
Has nothing to do with me.

- If I can turn it that's...

- Has othing to do with
me. It's about you.

This is the only life you have, man.

Why you... why you holding off?

- Everybody, shut up!

- Shut up!

- Listen to me. Mars, Jupiter, Saturn.

Listen to me.

- Venus.
- What you're hanging on to...

- Which you're hanging out to

is like a bag of cement
tied to your wrist.

Cut the fucking rope.

- Cut the rope.

- So you're saying this is
like an anchor around my neck?

- Yeah.

- I wanna trust someone,

that's what the basis of faith is.

That it will be there
when... the time comes.

- But when's the time for you to cum?

- Listen, if you're gonna...

(laughter)

- If you're gonna engage me
in spiritual conversation.

- [Bill] Well said, sir. Well said.

You wanna talk about trust?

- Let's talk to this guy.

You don't trust yourself, do you?

- I trust myself.

- I'll bet you're good.

I'll bet you're real good at what you do.

But do you do any theater?

Do you do anything?

- He thought... he thought his girlfriend

was cheating on him the whole time.

- Hey, you're the one who made me believe

that she was cheating on me, anyways.

- But you had fun, right?

Answer me that question,
did you have fun tonight?

- I have this rainbow destroyer mechanism,

apocalypse, death-breeder shit
in my head that like kicks on

every time I try to have fun,

I try to loosen up and it's always like

bills, bills, your girlfriend,

your girlfriend, bills, bills, bills.

- You guys are just
constrained by these...

By what society expects
out of you, you know.

- So is everybody, though, Sam!

- Look at me!
- It's so easy to say that.

- Look at you.
- You're breaking but
you're still hung up on

shit too, man.

You want everybody to
be this certain thing.

I try.
- Did you have fun tonight?

- I had fun.

- I know you had fucking fun,

he's still having fun.

- I am with the fun.

- First of all, you need
to relax a little bit.

Trust yourself, man.

You know what you really like,

do what you know and do what you love.

The rest will come.

- That sounds perfect.

- What's your story?

- I'm a songwriter, actually.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

I could maybe write a song for you.

- He covers Lou Reed songs.
- No, no. Lou Reed covers my songs.

- Let me ask you something, last night

you guys were a bunch of hookers

how many times did you get laid?

- Are you talking about Jezebel?

- [Mars] You said her name with lust.

- She, uh, was gonna charge me,

but she gave me...

(Sam laughs)

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Are you all right there?

- Are you going to be okay?

You hear me?

You're all right?

You okay?

- I think he did too much of that powder.
- Smooth as a whistle, man.

Smooth as a whistle.

- [Bill] "Smooth as whistle".

Okay, he's cut off.

(laughter)

- Last call, last call.

- Cut this man off.

- Here's looking up your new dress.

What do you do?

- Oh, I'm a documentary filmmaker.

I'm supposed to be shooting
this philosopher right now...

- Philosopher?

- Yeah. there's like this lens
I needed, uh, for the shoot

and I don't have it anymore.

- Philosopher?

- I had to go get it this morning

and I didn't get it.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Sam.

- Yeah.

- These are the guys you
ought to be shooting.

You know 'em better than anybody.

- Oh, I would like to
fucking shoot all of them.

- [Jim] He makes boring documentaries.

- Oh fuck you, man.

- Whatever, man.

- They're interesting to somebody, man.

- No, no he is right.
- What did you say?

What did you just say, to him?

- These are your friends.

These are your friends, right?

Listen, I've been in the
entertainment business

for a long fucking time.

Let me tell you something.

I know what it's like to pierce the core

of an audience and give
them what they need.

Give them what they wanna
see, you understand?

I know you do.

These fellas, man.

Listen, man. What, we've
been hanging out for what?

Like an hour or something like that?

- These motherfuckers are interesting.

And let me tell you something. Listen...

I have never, and this is the most...

I have been thoroughly entertained

for the last fuckin' hour.

Shut up a minute. And I
want to tell you something.

Especially you!

For the last hour I've been
thoroughly entertained.

- I thought you were entertaining us.

- Well, you know, we had
some laughs, did we not?

But these guys are interesting.

And they're your friends,

they're your friends, man.

You know them, you know
all the ins and outs,

the nooks and crannies.
I mean, you bring them

out of their fuckin'
shell and they follow you.

I mean, don't you think
you owe them something?

- Yeah.
- Owe 'em what?

What do I owe you?

- [Jim] You owe me 20
bucks, that's for sure.

- I think-
- Lying sack of shit.

- I think people-

- I think these are interesting people

and I think people would be interested

to know these people.

Just like you do.

- I think I know where
he's going with this.

- What have I been telling you.
- [Mars] You should do it.

- Do what?

- Make a documentary about us, man.

- And look at this: trust issues.

Guilt...

Low self-esteem.

- I don't want it too high, you know,

like Hitler high self-esteem.

- And you!
- Me.

- Expectations.

- Expectations.

- What do you mean expectations?
- You're an instigator.

You have expectations of...

- Am I an instigator?

- Everything and everybody around here.

My point is this.

- You new nickname is Charles Dickens.

- I'm just trying to get
you guys to relax, man.

- My point is this.

(screams)

- That's not it.

- No, it's different.

(screams)

- Oh wait. That's... that's it.

I think it's higher.

(screams)
- It's more like...

(screams)

- Yeah, I'm totally a pterodactyl.

(screams)

(upbeat music)

- It could die, it's a baby.

- Oh, we should probably
feed it some milk.

What do baby pterodactyls eat?

- Human flesh?
- Oh man.

Where there humans around those times?

- It's not the Flinstones.

- I think that's what we need.

Like seriously, that's what...
Modern times right now.

Everybody gets so into
this pocket of happiness.

If there's like one pterodactyl per city.

(laughs)

Like keeping everyone on their...

On a edge all the time.

That would be perfect.
- People would live in
this constant state of

fear and gratitude.

- Well, you'd have unity. For sure.

- With our hubris.

- And our knowledge of science.

- Oh my, what's a hubris?

- Well, it's just, it's just basic pride.

And it causes you to have
a fatal flaw that makes you

do something really stupid.

That you should be able to
pull off that you really can't

because you're a human being.

- So its like the ego, kind of?
- Yeah, kinda, yeah.

- I feel really overwhelmed
with these books right now.

I like... yeah, I really enjoy...

What's your favorite stuff?

- My favorite stuff?

East of Eden is my
favorite book of all time.

- I mean like, I got kind of
propositioned for sex, I think.

And I'm going to meet up
with the dude tomorrow.

- What?!
(laughs)

- It's like, when relationships
are fresh, you know

it's so amazing.

It's like drugs.

The first time you meet you
get so high off everything.

And then after awhile you just kind of

hit that streamline.
Everybody gets so bored with each other.

You know what I mean?

I think that's why people
fight because they crave chaos.

- I mean, like she's,
she's kind of sort of

my girlfriend. I'm a
very spontaneous person

and she... she was trying
to domesticate me,

trying to go for the white picket fence

routine, you know what I mean?

- You get used to someone.

You sort of... become like...

You forget why they're there.

You know how like in the
beginning of a relationship

let's put on a movie, is
code for let's make out?

- Yeah, yeah totally.

- Right?
And then like, when you're in
the middle of a relationship,

let's put on a movie is code
for let's put on a movie.

- But..

- But you're meeting him tomorrow.

- Stop jumping to conclusions.

All right, so..

- You said that you're meeting
him tomorrow (chuckles).

- I don't...

- Like, this perplexes me.

- So you just don't want to settle down.

- It's not even that. I
don't mind settling down.

It's just this thing, you know, it

you know, there has to be
a level of understanding.

- So, like tomorrow I'm
gonna meet him at... at 9:30.

- It's like that old
Albert Einstein quote,

you know, I don't know
if you know who he is.

- Albert Einstein?

- I know that dude.
- Yeah, you know that guy?

- It's like, uh, human
beings are like space ships.

You use them for a little while

and then they stop working and
you leave them in the ditch

and go find another
one like their sisters.

You know, the guy that used
to coach the New York Knicks

for like, uh, '83 through '86.

That dude, right?

- Yeah, that guy, he
was brilliant, you know.

- He was just the assistant
coach, but he was a nice guy.

- Well, no, well, get down here.

You know, he said that a person
doesn't start to live, uh,

until they live outside of themselves.

You know what I mean?

- That makes sense.
- You know, if you have
too many restrictions...

- Yeah, sure.

But I think, you know, you
crave chaos for a while.

- I mean, we...
- I kind of crave order
after a while too, though.

I get those periods where
it's like, you have a window

where it's like, you can
either like, choose to stick

with what you know,
and like stagnate and not
really grow or you can...