Original subtitles

[Thumping On Microphone, Feedback]

[Blowing Into Microphone, Feedback]

[Thumping, Blowing Continue]

- Okay? - [Two Thumps]

[Three Thumps]

- [Airplane Passing Overhead] - Folks, it'll be just a few minutes.

[Car Horn Honking]

[Boat Horn Blows]

- [Helicopter Whirring] - Mayor, I think we're ready to go.

Good.

[Car Horn Continues Honking]

- Ah, Bill, will you take this, please? - This way, sir.

[Helicopter Continues Whirring]

Mr. Mayor! Got the -

Oh. Perfect. Thank you, Bill.

[Rifles Snapping Into Place]

[Clanks]

[Car Horn Honking]

- Here we are, sir. - Thank you.

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen - - [Microphone Feedback]

- I hereby - - [Feedback Continues]

Ladies and gentlemen, I -

[Feedback Continues]

[Severe Reverb] Testing, one, two.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I - - [Microphone Feedback]

- [Thumping] - Ladies and -

[Feedback Continues]

[Severe Reverb] Testing, one, two.

Um...

- ladies and gentlemen - - [Feedback]

- [Boat Horn Blows] - [Shutters Clicking]

[Thumping]

[Severe Reverb] Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen...

I hereby dedicate this...

magnificent marvel of modern architecture...

one of the largest suspended-arch bridges in the world...

to the people of -

- [Whistle Blowing] - [Car Horn Honks, Boat Horn Blowing]

[Klaxon Sounding]

[Sirens Wailing]

[Plane Passes Overhead]

♪♪ [Introductory Chords]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Micky] ♪ My, my ♪

♪ The clock in the sky is pounding away♪

♪ There's so much to say ♪

♪ A face, a voice ♪

♪ An overdub has no choice ♪

♪ An image cannot rejoice ♪

♪ Wanting to be ♪

♪ To hear and to see ♪

♪ Crying ♪

♪ To the sky ♪

[Davy] ♪ But the porpoise is laughing ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

[Micky, Davy] ♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

[Micky] ♪ Clicks, clacks ♪

♪ Riding the backs of giraffes for laughs ♪

♪ Is all right for a while ♪

♪ The ego sings ♪

♪ Of castles and kings ♪

♪ And things that go with a life of style ♪

♪ Wanting to feel ♪

♪ To know what is real ♪

♪ Living is a lie ♪

♪ Is a lie ♪

[Davy] ♪ The porpoise is waiting ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

[Micky, Davy] ♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪♪

[Porpoises Calling]

♪♪ [Organ Chord: Crescendo]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Water Splashes]

[Wind Chimes Tinkling]

[Chimes Shatter]

[Chair Hinge Squeaking]

[Squeaking Continues]

♪♪ [Orchestral Flourish]

[Sea Gulls Cawing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Well?

Even.

Um -

[Whispering] Why don't you come back later when the guys aren't here?

Are you kidding?

[High-pitched Giggle]

Hey, now, wait a minute. Now, wait just a minute.

[Together, Chanting] ♪ Hey, hey, we are the Monkees ♪

♪ You know we love to please ♪

♪ A manufactured image with no philosophies ♪

[Mike] ♪ We hope you like our story although there isn't one ♪

♪ That is to say, there's many That way there is more fun ♪

[Peter] ♪ You've told us you like action and games of many kinds ♪

♪ You like to dance, we like to sing So let's all lose our minds ♪

[Micky] ♪ We know it doesn't matter 'cause what you came to see ♪

♪ Is what we'd love to give you and give it one, two, three ♪

[Davy] ♪ But it may come three, two, one, two or jump from nine to five ♪

♪ And when you see the end in sight the beginning may arrive ♪

[Mike] ♪ For those who look for meanings in form as they do fact ♪

♪ We might tell you one thing but we'd only take it back♪

[Micky] ♪ Not back like in a box back Not back like in a race ♪

♪ Not back so we can keep it but back in time and space ♪

[Davy] ♪ You say we're manufactured To that we all agree ♪

♪ So make your choice and we'll rejoice in never being free ♪

[All] ♪ Hey, hey, we are the Monkees We've said it all before ♪

♪ The money's in, we're made of tin We're here to give you more ♪

♪ The money's in We're made of tin ♪

- ♪ We're here to give you -♪♪ - [Gunshot]

[Woman Screaming]

[Crowd Screaming] We love the Monkees! We love the Monkees!

We love the Monkees! We love the Monkees!

We love the Monkees! We love the Monkees!

Gimme a "W"!

[Crowd] "W"!

- Gimme an "A"! - "A"!

- Give me an "R"! - "R"!

- What does it spell? - War!

[Gunfire, Explosions]

[Gunfire In Distance]

Can't see. It's too deep.

- What'd you say? - I said, I can't see. It's too deep.

- I've gotta have a boost or something. - Here, you can stand on my helmet.

It's too heavy. I don't wanna wear it. It's a drag. It presses down on my head.

You really oughta wear your helmet.

[Explosion]

[Gunfire Continues]

- What for? - You might get a shot in the head, for one thing.

A shot in the head. Wow.

[Groans]

Why didn't you say a shot in the arm or a shot in the leg?

A sniper could be on top of that mountain and blow off the right half of my chest...

or a plane could come zooming in through that pass and drop a bomb on my head.

[Bomb Whistling, Explosion]

[Groaning]

- [Peter] Well, I'm wearing mine. - That's cool.

All right, need a volunteer. We're out of ammo.

- I'll go. - See that you do.

[Explosions, Gunfire Continue]

Hold it! This is for Life!

[Shouting]

- [Grunting, Shouting] - Excu -

[Grunting, Shouting]

West tank team, west tank team, reverse! [Grunting Continues]

Is someone here?

We're number one! We're number one! We're number one!

- Mr. One - - [Grunting]

May I - Number - Actually, I was just here about some ammo.

[Shouting]

- [Grunting Continues] - Uh, Mr. One?

- Day in and day out! - Excuse me, sir -

[Shouting]

[Groans]

Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

[Gunfire Continues]

- [Kicks Bucket] - Oh, boy.

- I need this game over. - [Kicks Footlocker]

He'll never make it through this intense bombardment.

Nobody could.

Here, Mick. I got this for you.

- I thought you'd like it better. - Wow! Stars! Hey, that's great, Pete!

- Okay, you guys ready? - [Gunfire Continues]

Okay, guys. Let's hit that line.

[Shouts]

Aah!

[Bomb Whistling, Explosion]

♪♪ [Military March]

[Crowd Cheering, Screaming]

♪ Circle sky ♪

♪ Telling lies ♪

♪ Here I stand ♪

♪ Happy man ♪

♪ And it looks like we've made it once again ♪

♪ Yes, it looks like we've made it once again ♪

♪ Color sound ♪

♪ All around ♪

♪ Wing tip smile ♪

♪ Sees for miles ♪

♪ And it looks like we've made it once again ♪

♪ Yes, it looks like we've made it once again ♪

♪ It's a very extraordinary scene ♪

♪ To those who don't understand ♪

♪ But what you have seen you must believe ♪

♪ If you can, if you can ♪

♪ Hey, mill town ♪

♪ Smiling down ♪

♪ Telling more ♪

- ♪ Than before ♪ - [Screaming]

♪ And it looks like we've made it once again ♪

♪ Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end ♪

♪♪ [Ends]

[Mike] Bug out! Bug out!

- [Fabric Tearing] - Watch it!

I gave her a very powerful narcotic, and I'm sure it will be effective soon.

[Clicks]

Barbara Stanwyck may be in for a slight shock.

Her son, Anthony Dion Fay...

just sold a provocative story about his relationship with Barbara -

Hiya, friends. Ralph Williams, owner of the world's largest Ford dealership -

[Screaming]

Your Majesty, he acknowledges a king higher than you.

But you are the messiah.

Our ship better be sailing out of that harbor on its way home within 24 hours...

or we're coming in after it.

Sounds like a lot of supernatural baloney to me.

Supernatural, perhaps.

Baloney, perhaps not.

I don't read papers, I don't listen to the radio and I haven't seen a television in years.

Uh, you make motion pictures, don't you?

- Yes. - Yes.

- You're always looking for talent. - Yes.

- Watch this. - [Feet Shuffling, Tapping]

- [Spring Sproings] - What happened?

Here at the world's largest Ford dealership, we -

The world's largest Ford dealership -

Enter the world's largest Ford dealer.

[Micky] My canteen is empty...

where once it was full.

I felt I couldn't go on.

[Gasping]

I... can't.

[Micky] But something -

something kept telling me I must.

- You must! - I must.

[Gulps, Continues Gasping]

[Coins Dropping]

Oh, no!

No, no! No!

[Grunting] No!

[Grunting] No!

[Grunting Continues]

[Women] ♪ Things go better with Coca-Cola ♪

♪ Things go better with Coke ♪♪

[Gasping]

[Woman's Voice] Pathetic.

I can't.

- It's pitiful. - Shut up.

-You shut up. - No, you shut up.

-You shut up! - Shut up!

- You! - You, you, you, you, you! [Stammering] You!

[Woman's Voice] Okay, I will.

I can't - I can't hear her.

No. I'm deaf! Come back!

I'm going de - [Whimpers]

[Man's Voice] Quiet, isn't it...

George Michael Dolenz?

I said, quiet, isn't it...

George Michael Dolenz?

[Wind Whistling]

[Horse Whinnying]

[Whinnying]

Psst!

Hyah!

- [Whinnying Continues] - What?

[Vehicle Approaching]

[Engine Stops]

Americano?

W-Wh-What?

Ma sei americano?

- Americano. - [Speaking Italian]

Americano, eh?

[Continues In Italian]

Surrender.

Oh - Boom-boom. Surrender.

[Muttering] You know.

[Soldier Chuckling]

[Chuckling] Surrender. Oh!

♪♪ [Triumphal March]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Metal Clanking]

♪♪ [Pop: Intro]

[Micky] ♪ Something doesn't change ♪

♪ There is only one ♪

♪ Always changing inside ♪

♪ What does it become ♪

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ Do you know ♪

♪ Would you care to ♪

♪ Let it show ♪

♪ Those who know it use it ♪

♪ Those who start it die ♪

♪ To sing that you can dig it ♪

♪ Is to make your summer fly ♪

♪ Then can you dig it ♪

♪ Do you know ♪

♪ Would you care to ♪

♪ Let it show ♪

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ Do you know ♪

♪ Would you care to ♪

♪ Let it show ♪

♪ There is only feeling ♪

♪ In this world of life and death ♪

♪ I sing the praise of never change ♪

♪ With every single breath ♪

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ Do you know ♪

♪ Would you care to ♪

♪ Let it show ♪

♪♪ [Ends]

Quick. Suck it before the venom reaches my heart.

- [Native Americans Whooping, Shouting] - [Gunfire]

[Groans] What heart?

When you're finished there...

you can help me by pulling...

- this painfully barbed savage's arrow - - [Gunshot]

- [Groans, Shouts] - first by snipping the head off in the back...

and then pulling it from the front, quickly so that it doesn't hurt me.

- [Grunting] - [Groans]

- Are you gonna help me or not? - [Sighs]

What about Davy and Peter?

I've sent them to Fort Bridger for reinforcements...

on the possibility that our position should be overrun.

Are you kidding? What are we supposed to do here?

Hold on against insurmountable odds.

[Grunting, Groaning]

- [Whooping, Shouting Continue] - What's with her?

Hey, come on. Get up, lady.

You're not dead. Hey, lady, get up. Stop acting.

- Hey, what is this? - Come on. Stop playing. It's all over. It's an act.

- Come on, get up. - Stop kicking me.

I don't wanna do this anymore, man.

Oh, these fake arrows and this junk and the fake trees.

Bob, I'm through. It all stinks, man.

Hey, well, Micky, wait a minute!

Fake dirt, fake -

Well, Mick, wait a minute, man! I'll go with ya! Wait. Hold it!

♪♪ [Solo Violin]

♪♪ [Orchestra Joins In: Romantic Instrumental]

♪♪ [Record Skips, Phrase Repeating]

- [Chattering, Murmuring] - [Dog Barking]

[Barking Continues]

Aah!

I'm too old for excitement!

[Man Shouts]

I been lookin' all over for you creeps! Where you been?

Where you rats been? You ain't holdin' out on me, are ya?

- No. [Chuckles] - No.

Don't give me that! I been lookin' all over the world for ya!

Anyway, the idea is this.

Byproducts.

Imagine the tie-ins.

Blonde wigs for kids. Swords.

The whole phallic thing is happening!

I mean, why don't we use classic things?

Millions! I'm tellin' ya, millions!

Hey! Nobody walks out on me!

Not even myself!

All right?

Come back, you guys!

[Train Whistle Blows]

[Whistle Continues Blowing]

[Gunshot]

[Beeping]

Hey. Hey!

They're coming!

They're coming! They're coming! They're coming!

- Who's that? - [Woman] Oh, they're awful!

- [Chattering, Murmuring] - I'm out of here.

[Man #1] I can't eat with these stinkin' kids around here.

[Man #2] Who are the Monkees? Never heard of 'em.

- [Man #1] Fine! Look at my cape! - [Man #3] Look at those guys.

- [Chattering Continues] - [Man #2] Can't even have a decent lunch.

[Man #3] Look at that one kid.

Yeah, they're all the same.

[Whistles]

Drinks on the house.

Well, if it isn't God's gift to the eight-year-olds.

[Mike] Just tryin' to please.

Changing your image, darling?

While you're at it, why don't you have them write you some talent?

Hey, what's wrong?

- What's wrong with you? - I asked you first.

- I ordered this, and I don't want it. - Throw it away.

- I can't. There are starving - - There are starving Chinese, yeah.

- This is serious. - I'd like a finger sandwich, and hold the mold.

And, uh, I'd like a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it, please.

One of your own?

Are you still paying tribute to Ringo Starr?

- Would you like a pinch in the mouth? - I'll think about it.

[Micky] Don't hurt yourself.

And while you do, I would like to order 12 Boff crackers...

and a cup of mushrooms, crisp.

Yes, and I'll throw in a side of mouthwash. Phew! On the house.

Come on, let's get out of this nightclub.

- But what about the food? - Have it cleaned and burned. Come on, Pete.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't move. I want to forget you just as you are.

[Chuckles] Peter, come on, let's go.

Psst! Hey, come here.

Now, this is serious.

What do you say you and me go someplace where we won't bump into each other again?

[Crowd Cheering, Screaming]

[Woman Shouts] Get him!

- [Referee] One! Two! - Stay down!

Three! Four!

[Man] Atta way! That's right!

- [Referee] One! Two! - Stay down!

Three! Four! Five!

- Six! - Stay down!

[Man] Get him! Get him!

[Cheering, Shouting Continue]

- I'm tellin' him to stay down. - He'd better.

The money says so.

Stay down. Stay down!

Please don't, Davy!

Davy, don't! Please don't!

♪♪ [Solo: Classical]

Don't, Davy.

Please don't.

I have to do this.

But why do you have to?

Why?

What am I gonna do, play violin in two-bit clubs all my life?

- But, Davy - - Forget it. Pl -

Forget what Father Duffy and Ma say about Carnegie Hall.

But you play so beautifully.

It isn't good enough.

You understand? At this I could have been champ.

And you have to?

Their way?

That's right.

They pick the round, and I pick the guy.

[Bell Dings]

Don't worry, Theresa. I won't get hurt.

- That's good. You made it. - Yeah?

Got all the fighters up here.

- Anyone? - Yeah.

Great. I'll have a go at him.

You won't hurt my face, will ya? Million dollar head, this.

[Man] Why him, Davy?

Well, you know, I like him. He looks like a nice guy. I like his smile.

Come on, see if you can hit me. Just once. Just once.

- Stay down! - [Man] Get up! Get up!

[Man] Kill him! Kill him!

- I told him to stay down. - Yeah? Well, he didn't hear ya.

Stay down, dummy!

- You're the dummy. - No. No, no, he's the dummy.

- You're the dummy. - No, no, he's the dummy!

You are the dummy, dummy!

No, he's the dummy! I'm not the dummy! He's the - He's the -

Stay down, dummy!

[Cheering, Shouting Continue]

Dummy, huh?

- [Crowd Gasping, Shouting] - [Micky Shouting, Indistinct]

Let me go! Let me go!

Let me go! Let me go!

Let me go! [Grunting]

- [Peter's Voice] Micky? Micky. Micky. - [Crowd Quiets]

I'm the dummy, Micky. I'm always the dummy.

You're right, Pete.

You're always the dummy. I forgot.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're always the dummy, Pete.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Peter] I'm always the dummy. I'm always the dummy.

[Waitress] Don't listen to them, Peter.

[Waitress] Don't listen to them, Peter.

They're wise guys. Punks.

All they want to do is hurt people and abuse them.

- How do you feel now? - Oh, comme ci, comme ça.

- [Customers Gasping] - All right, that's enough. Cut it. Print it.

- [Stage Bell Ringing] - Good hit. That should be it.

Pete - I think we're on another set, aren't we?

- Hey, Bob, that's not right, man. - What?

You know, about hitting a girl. Hey, Ace, was that all right, man?

- Did that look good? - I thought it looked great.

But about hitting a woman and everything- It's about the image. It's not right.

- Peter, I hate to interrupt. - Yeah, it's for your niece. What's her name?

- Murray. - Fellas, let's move over to the right.

- Thank you. - John, was that right, man?

- Yeah. - John, that's not right.

- Can you move over to stage five? - It's a kid's -

- When you have a minute. - It's a movie for kids. They're not gonna dig it.

- Just gotta make a wardrobe change, man. - Tell Gene to put my clothes in the trailer.

- Gene Ashman, get the wardrobe ready! - What's wrong?

- Good work, good work. - No! It's not right!

No, Bob, it's for the image, man. The kids aren't gonna dig it, me hitting a girl.

Especially the way I feel about violence and all that stuff, you know.

All right, if it doesn't work, we'll cut it out of the film.

Yeah, well, you tell me that, man, and it never happens.

[Bob] Peter, let's go. We gotta get on the set. Hurry up, Pete!

Davy, did that look all right, man? Hitting the girl?

- Sure, it was great. Great. Terrific. - You thought so?

♪♪ [Ballad]

[Micky] ♪ I can tell by ♪

♪ Your face ♪

♪ That you're lookin' ♪

♪ To find a place ♪

♪ To settle your mind ♪

♪ And reveal who you are ♪

♪ And you shouldn't ♪

♪ Be shy ♪

♪ For I'm ♪

♪ Not gonna try♪

♪ To hurt you or heal you ♪

♪ Or steal your star♪

♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ Get up off your chair♪

♪ There's so much to do ♪

♪ In the sunlight ♪

♪ Give up your secrets ♪

♪ And let down your hair♪

♪ And sit with me here ♪

♪ By the firelight ♪

♪ Why think ♪

♪ About ♪

♪ Who's gonna ♪

♪ Win out ♪

♪ We'll make up our story ♪

♪ As we go along ♪

♪ There's so ♪

♪ Little time ♪

♪ For us ♪

♪ To try to rhyme ♪

♪ And so many highways ♪

♪ To travel upon ♪

♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ Get up off your chair♪

♪ There's so much to do ♪

♪ In the sunlight ♪

♪ Give up your secrets ♪

♪ And let down your hair♪

♪ And sit with me here ♪

♪ By the firelight ♪♪

♪♪ [Fades]

[Machinery Chugging Rhythmically]

[Man] I said, capable of 300 horsepower apiece...

and all on one pressure valve.

[Micky Whistles]

This crane has a lifting power of over 300 tons.

Be careful there. Don't lean over the edge.

We spend rather a good deal of our time here ensuring a perfect working condition -

[Old Man Sobbing]

an interesting aspect of the safety factor.

Hey, Peter -

Change one tape, the entire process is regeared.

Leisure - the inevitable byproduct of our civilization.

A new world whose only preoccupation will be how to amuse itself.

The tragedy of your times, my young friends, is that you may get exactly what you want.

Step lively, gentlemen.

Come on, Davy, let's go.

That which produces heat is a thermodynamic process...

as opposed to mechanical, which is a reversible process.

- Three men operate this entire department. - Davy, come on!

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

The entire process is self-stimulated...

automated, regulatory.

Come on, Davy!

And to the degree that we are capable of understanding...

these mechanical-electrical devices as simple extensions of our brains...

to that same degree we are capable of using these machines productively.

This way, gentlemen.

- Peter - - Come along. Come along!

[Door Slams]

- [Peter] Sir? - [Mike] What happened to the cand -

[Mike] Hey, the door's stuck too, man!

- [Mike] We can't get out. - [All Chattering]

- [Mike] What? - [Micky] What is that?

- I can't see anything. - What's going on? What? What's that light?

- I can't see anything. Hey, hey! Open up! What's happening? - Hey!

[Man] All right, fellas. Will you come forward, please?

- [Micky] Who's that? - That's it. Come on up forward, huh, fellas?

- [Micky] Who - Who are you? - Come on. Just keep coming forward. That's it. That's it. All right.

Now, come on. Work your way closer to the - That's it. Now you're doin' better. Come on.

A little faster, fellas. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Get in there.

- [Micky] Where? - Get in. Get inside.

- [Mike] In here? - Get inside. Get inside, will you, please?

- That's the idea. - [Davy] This is crazy.

- All right, now, jump up and down a little, huh, fellas? Get lost in it. - [Micky] Jump into this? What is this?

There you go. Very good. Look, you're supposed to be dandruff, fellas.

- Will you work at it, please? Jump up and down a little bit. - [Davy] Dandruff?

- [Man #2] All right. Playback, please. - [Man #1] There you go. That's much better.

- [Man #1] Little action. Get lost in it. - ♪♪ [Upbeat]

- [Chorus] ♪ Dandruff, dandruff ♪ - That's better. Turn around.

♪ We know it can be rough ♪

- ♪ But not if you get Tuff ♪ - Settle down. Very good. Turn around a little, will you?

- ♪ We're Tuff, Tuff, Tuff ♪ - Roll around up there.

- ♪ Removes forever, removes forever♪ - [Man #1 Chattering Continues]

♪ Tuff removes dandruff ♪

♪ Get Tuff♪♪

[Man #1] Okay, Vic. That should be it for today. Thank you.

[Coughs]

[Coughing]

Ooh.

[Loud Whirring]

[Wind Howling]

- [Peter] Oh, wow. - [Mike] Wow!

Whoo. Look.

[Peter] Ah, mother of pearl.

Hey, a cigarette and a -

Oh. [Chuckling] This is not one of your standard brands.

Oh! An El Zoomo!

Imagine having to smoke that whole thing.

Smoking may be hazardous to your health.

- You see that, Davy? - Davy - Where's Davy?

- Hey, Davy. - Davy. - Davy.

- Hey, Davy. Davy. Davy? - Maybe he's up the tube.

- Hey, you stuck up there, Davy? - Davy!

- Boost me up. - Somebody'll have to be on the bottom.

- Well, I'm the tallest and the strongest. - So you're on the bottom.

I - Oh, well.

- Everybody's where they wanna be. - Yeah. Ooh.

That was a particularly inept thing to say, Peter...

considering that we are in a vacuum cleaner.

[Echoing] Davy!

Davy! Davy!

Davy!

[Grunts]

[Footsteps]

♪♪ [Band: Pop]

♪ Years ago I knew a man ♪

♪ He was my mother's biggest fan ♪

♪ We used to walk beside the sea ♪

♪ And he told me how life would be ♪

♪ When I grew up to be a man ♪

♪ Years ago we used to play ♪

♪ He used to laugh when I ran away ♪

♪ But when I fell and hurt my knee he would run to comfort me ♪

♪ And the pain would go away ♪

♪ Years ago I knew a boy ♪

♪ He was his daddy's pride and joy ♪

♪ But when the daddy went away ♪

♪ It was such a rainy day ♪

♪ That he brought out all his toys ♪

♪ Now the mama did explain ♪

♪ Trying to take away the pain ♪

♪ But he just couldn't understand ♪

♪ That his father was not a man ♪

♪ And it all was just a game ♪

♪ The years have passed ♪

♪ And so have I ♪

♪ Making it hard for me to cry ♪

♪ And if and when ♪

♪ I have a son ♪

♪ Let it all be said and done ♪

♪ Let the sadness ♪

♪ Pass him by ♪

♪♪ [Band: Upbeat]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Ends]

- [Cow Mooing] - [Applause]

[Lights Click]

[Applause Fades]

- Ooh. - [Bell Clanging]

[Moos]

[Clanging Continues]

That song was pretty white.

Well, so am I. What can I tell ya?

You've been working on your dancing though.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I've been rehearsing it. Glad you noticed that.

Yeah, it doesn't leave much time for your music.

You should spend more time on it...

because the youth of America depends on you to show the way.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Monkees is the craziest people.

- [Bell Clanging] - [Moos]

Did any of you cats see Micky or Michael or Peter around here?

All right. All right. Come on out.

Oh. Okay. Wait a minute.

- Come on. Out! - Hey, why are we stopped?

I don't even wanna hear why or what from you. Just out!

- Oh, well, sure. Anything you say. - Go on. Get out of here.

- Hi. What's goin' on? - Come on. Move it. Out!

- Oh, hello, Officer. Certainly glad to see you. - Come on, all of you.

- Move it. - Officer, we were only just trying to I -

Don't even try it. Just out! Out of there.

- Sir, we - - Shut up.

Okay, weirdos. Just what were you doing in there?

And this better be straight.

You - Fuzzy Wuzzy.

- Uh, in the black thing, you meant, right? - That's right.

- Yeah. What we were doing in there. - Yeah. Yeah.

Well, first, uh - first it was - uh, we were in a factory.

- Oh. - Yeah. And then there was a commercial thing.

- No, no, no, no. It was a vacuum cleaner. - Yeah, a vacuum cleaner, right.

Okay, boys. Let's go downtown.

But, sir, we were just looking for David Jones.

David Jones? Who's David Jones?

Thanks, guys.

I'll tell you what, man.

That cop must have thought we were totally crazy.

He laid a hand on me.

Will you excuse me a minute, Mike?

Au contraire.

"Au contraire"?

Is that what he said?

He's crazy. They're all crazy.

Better not mess with me though. Come on. Come on.

Put 'em up. Come on.

Ha!

They're crazy. Ha.

[Trash Can Rattling]

♪♪ [Whistling "Strawberry Fields Forever"]

[Sniffing]

Hmm. Talk about police brutality.

Tsk.

Hi, mate. What's happening?

You all right?

Peter, don't!

I get it.

The old mirror routine, right?

Well, let me tell you one thing, son.

Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor.

[Door Closes]

[Chuckles]

[Sinister Laughing]

[Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

[Door Hinges Creaking]

[High-pitched Screeching]

The Lancashire Midget Greenie! [Screaming]

♪♪ [Orchestra: Waltz]

- ♪♪ [Drumming] - [Speaking Native Language]

[Door Creaking, Closes]

Now, here's my plan.

Now, for the last time, where is, uh, wh-what's-his-name?

- The greenie. - David Jones, sir.

Yeah. Jones.

We told you a hundred times, good officer, sir...

uh, we last saw him inside the john - uh, comfort room.

All right. I believe you.

But if I get any more trouble out of you, that's it for everybody.

- Sir, what about Davy? - We'll find him, don't worry.

Now, out!

[Toilet Flushing]

♪♪ [Band: Burlesque]

♪♪ [Hums]

♪♪ [Band Ends]

Victor Mature?

[Sinister Laughing]

[Buzzing]

[Buzzing Continues]

- [Rhythmic Buzzing] - ♪♪ [Guitars]

[Sustained Buzz]

- Hey, how's about the door? - Huh?

The buzz - Th-Th-The door.

- [Buzzing Continues] - Oh, I'll get it. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm happy to bring it to your attention.

Uh, oh, dear. I got a wire for a Monkee.

- Thank you. - I - It was - It's nothing.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. We all have loved ones, you know.

[Man Laughing]

[Door Slams]

Peter?

[Sinister Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

[Man's Voice] Stop!

Stop? What is this "stop"? Hey, Mick -

All right now. Come on. What are you guys doin'?

[Bell Tolling]

Mick?

[Tolling Continues]

Now, look, man. This isn't funny.

Okay. You think they call us plastic now, babe...

but you wait till I get through telling them how we do it, huh?

[Ticking]

- Okay, Micky. - [Beeping]

Man, this telegram is as much for you as it was for me.

Aw, come on, will you? [Gasps]

[Heart Beating]

[Heart Beating Continues]

[Hinges Creaking]

♪♪ [Men Chanting]

♪♪ [Chanting Continues]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[Man] Happy birthday, Mike.

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - [Chattering]

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mike ♪

♪ Happy birthday to -♪♪

♪♪ [Rock]

[Mike] ♪ Do I have to do this all over again ♪

♪ Didn't I do it right the first time ♪

♪ Do I have to do this all over again ♪

♪ How many times do I have to make this climb ♪

♪ Didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Can I see my way to know what's really real ♪

♪ They say time can fix things by itself ♪

♪ I know life's more than just some kind of deal ♪

♪ Yeah, but won't you tell me what all ♪

♪ When my soul comes off the shelf ♪

♪ Didn't I ♪

♪ Didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Do I have to do this all over again ♪

♪ Didn't I do it right the first time ♪

♪ Do I have to do this all over again ♪

♪ Oh, how many times do I have to make this climb ♪

♪ Didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't - Oh, didn't I ♪

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I ♪♪

Ah, Mike, you son of a gun. A millionaire at 25.

- Ask me how does it feel. - Huh?

- I said, ask me how does it feel. - How does it feel?

- I'll tell you how it feels. I don't like it - that's how it feels. ♪♪ [Ends]

- [Partygoers Muttering] - I don't like surprises.

I don't like these people jumping out and saying it - what -

- I don't even want to hear what you're saying. - [Crowd Quiets]

'Cause you know what you're saying to me?

You're saying "happy birthday," and you're jumping out of the wall...

and it's scaring me to death, and it's some kind of a big joke...

and I'm supposed to be happy about that.

"Aw, come on, Mike. Be a good sport."

[Shouts] Well, who needs this?

Who needs surprises and pajamas?

You want me to come to a party? You don't kidnap me. You send me an invitation.

Besides, I may have been happier where I was - sleepin'.

Happy birthday.

- Ha! - [Partygoers Muttering]

And I'll tell you something else too.

- The same thing goes for Christmas. - [Gasping]

[Man] Well, now, wait a minute. That's -

Now, how about them apples?

- [Screaming] - [Man Shouts]

[Partygoers Shouting]

- [Man Shouts] - [All Chattering]

- [Man] Attaboy, Mike. - [Woman Screams]

[Man] Attaboy, Mike.

- Attaboy, Mike. - [Man #2] Way to do it, Mike.

[Man #3] You tell 'em, Mike! Tell 'em!

Attaboy, Mike.

That-a-boy.

Attaboy, Mike.

Attaboy, Mike.

- [Slurring Words] Attaboy, Mike. - [Dragging Foot]

Attaboy, Mike.

Boy, Mike.

Boy!

[Slurring Increases] That-a - That-a-boy, Mike!

That-a-boy, Mike!

[Grunting] Boy, Mike!

That-a-boy, Mike!

Atta - [Gasping]

boy - [Gasping]

[Screaming] Mike!

[Babbling]

- [Laughing] - Boy, Mike!

Attaboy, Mike!

Attaboy, Mike!

[Rifle Shot]

Boys...

don't never...

but never...

make fun of no cripples.

- I do believe it's wrong, definitely. - [Male Interviewer] What is?

Standing around and laughing at someone, infringing on people's rights.

They laugh at you, or they jump out of cars. They rob you.

Somebody'll come up and giggle at you. That's a violation of your civil rights.

Skunk bait. That's what the world is full of.

That's what it's based on.

That's what this economy is based on.

Are you telling me that you don't see the connection between government and laughing at people?

Listen, somebody's got a hang-up.

- I would take my belt off, and I would - wham! - [Whip Cracks]

He back talks me, I slap him across the face.

Think they should be with fish...

and they - that way they could only prey on fish.

- Possibly fines. - Exile.

- Mental institution. - Correction place.

I'd use a baseball bat on 'em.

- A good whack in the seat. - [Whip Cracks]

- They might even jeopardize the fish. - Dogs!

- Not halibut. - Contamination.

- The nuthouse. - Alcatraz. - Jail.

[Blows Raspberry]

[Man Whispers] Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

- Guilty. - [Metal Gate Clangs]

[Metal Scraping]

[Metal Gate Closes, Lock Slides]

[Footsteps Retreating]

[Grunts]

[Groaning, Grunts]

[Groaning]

- [Man] We were speaking of belief - - ♪♪ [Sitar Strums]

beliefs and conditioning.

All belief possibly could be said to be the result of some conditioning.

Thus, the study of history...

is simply the study of one system of beliefs deposing another.

And so on and so on and so on.

A psychologically tested belief of our time...

is that the central nervous system...

which feeds its impulses directly to the brain -

the conscious and subconscious -

is unable to discern between the real...

and the vividly imagined experience.

If there is a difference -

and most of us believe there is -

Am I being clear?

For to examine these concepts requires tremendous energy and discipline.

To allow the unknown to occur and to occur...

requires clarity.

Where there is clarity, there is no choice...

and where there is choice, there is misery.

But then why should anyone listen to me?

Or should I speak...

since I know nothing?

[Laughing]

How's about some more steam?

[Steam Hissing]

[Peter] Sir?

Sir? Sir?

[Wheels Rolling]

[Woman Screaming, Crying]

Hey. Excuse me.

[Crying Continues]

- [Woman Screams] - Hey, guys? Guys?

Hey, guys? Mike? Hey, Micky?

Hey - Hey, guys?

- [Crying Continues] - Hey, Mike?

- Hey - Hey, Mick? Mike? - [Woman Screams]

- Hey, Mike? Hey, Mick? - [Screams]

[Crying]

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. [Screams]

- Listen a minute. I got the - - Hold it a minute. I say she won't.

Oh, sure she will, man. Ten dollars says she will.

- Ten dollars, huh? - [Screams] Gonna do it!

- Hey, Mike. Listen, man. I got the - - Peter, don't be rude.

- Hey, Micky, listen. I got the answer. - Shh.

Well, where's Davy?

- I swear, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! - Oh, never mind. I know anyway.

- What do you suppose he meant by that? - Oh! [Screams]

Hey, Davy. Listen, man, I - Davy, I came here to t - tell you -

- It's all right, Davy. There's nothing wrong. - Nothing wrong, huh?

That's right. I came here to tell you, man, that everything's -

- You know what I saw in there? - Yes.

An eye, man. An eye this big - blood red.

It was as clear as the nose on your face. It was looking at me.

- David. Peace, David. I know. - You telling me nothing's wrong, huh?

- That's right, David. I came - - Something's wrong with you, man.

You got a sheet on. You look weird. I've gotta find out what's going on here.

- Who's to say what's normal, man? - I'm telling you, there was an eye in there.

- I know. I came here to tell you about it. - Three, four, five, six -

- [Peter] Oh, sorry, ma'am. - seven -

Hey! Psst. Here.

Huh?

- Eight, nine, 10. - Yeah. Thanks, babe.

- Hey, guys! Hey, guys? - See you later, okay?

[Peter] Hey, guys?

Hey, fellas! Wait. Listen to me a minute.

Fellas!

- Guys. - This way, gentlemen.

Hey, guys, you've got to listen to me, guys, or you'll end up back in the box!

- [Lock Slides] - [Davy] Hey.

- [All Chattering] - [Davy] Hey, what is this?

- [Mike] Hey, fella. - [Davy] There's no way out.

- [Mike] Hey! - No handle this side of the door.

- [Mike] Hey. - [Davy] Hey, buddy!

- [Mike] These walls are solid steel, man. - [Davy] Hey, buddy, you better open this door.

Hey, open it up! Open the door! Let us out!

- What are you - - [Mike] Oh, hey! - [Davy] You better -

- Peter, what are you doing? - Hey, Peter, what's with this room?

Yeah. What were you yelling outside? I couldn't hear you - all the noise.

Hmm. But you'll listen now - now that it's too late.

[Laughs] Come on, Peter.

"Come on, Peter." And before it was "Shut up, Peter," and from you, "Don't be rude, Peter."

Now, look, Peter, if you know how to get out of this box, man, you sure better tell me -

- Just cool it, Mike, will you? Just cool it. Let him do it in his own time. - Yeah, but - Oh!

- Thank you, David. - Look, just take your time, Peter, man.

I'm with you all the way down the line. You hear that? Right down the line.

Perhaps you'd like to sit down.

We were talking with the master...

regarding the nature of conceptual reality.

- Psychologically speaking - - ♪♪ [Sitar Strums]

the human mind - or brain, or whatever -

is almost incapable of distinguishing between the real...

and the vividly imagined experience.

Sound and film of music and radio -

even these manipulated experiences...

are received more or less directly...

and uninterpreted by the mind.

They are catalogued and recorded...

and either acted upon directly or stored in the memory...

or both.

Now, this process...

unless we pay it tremendous attention...

begins to separate us from the reality of the now.

Am I being clear?

For we must allow the reality of the now...

to just happen...

as it happens.

Observe and act with clarity...

for where there is clarity...

there is no choice...

and where there is choice, there is misery.

But then why should I speak...

since I know nothing?

Nothing? [Chuckles] You know nothing?

That's right.

You mean to tell me we've been sitting here listening to you, and you know nothing?

- Well, take it easy, Davy. - Easy?

What do you mean, "Take it easy"?

Now, we're stuck in a room. We're stuck in this big, black box.

Now, you're telling me to take it easy, and he's saying he don't know nothing.

- Now, what is this? - Don't you see, David?

- [Zipper Unzipping] - It doesn't matter whether we're in the box or not.

It's not important, huh? Well, let me tell you something. It's important to me.

I'll show you how to get out of this box. You want to get out of this box?

This is how you get out.

This is how you get out.

[Machinery Whirring, Clanging]

- [Shouts] - [Thuds]

[Gasps]

[Men Scream]

[Grunts]

[Shouting]

♪♪ [Marching Band: "The Washington Post"]

♪♪ [Drums]

- [Horse Whinnies] - [Man Grunts]

- Where you boys headin'? - We're just passin' through.

Ah, just passin' through? You look like you're lost to me, don't they, fellas?

[Men Agreeing]

- [Peter] Davy. - [Mike] This might be an awful good -

- [Chattering Stops] - We don't want any trouble.

Well, I'm telling you, unless I don't know what goes on up and down this here block -

and I do - you're in for plenty of trouble.

- Ain't that right, boys? - [Agreeing]

Prove it.

[Shouting]

[Groaning]

Where'd he get the cannon?

[Laughing]

Oh!

- [Micky] What is this? - [Mike] This isn't funny. I can't see.

[Micky] Hey, open up! Come on!

[Mike] Wait a minute. Stop. Stop.

[Wind Whistling]

- [Ferocious Shouting] - [All Shouting]

[Repeats Shout]

[Whooping]

[Engine Humming]

[All Shouting] Coca-Cola!

Coca-Cola!

[Laughs]

[Shouts]

- [Bell Clanging] - [Woman Screams]

- [Cow Mooing] - Out! Out!

- [Clamoring] - [Woman Gasping]

[Swami] Well, my son, what is it you have learned?

Make hay while the sun shines.

This box, right now, composes our universe, so -

[Man] This is a flight attack jet aircraft...

whose primary mission is the delivery of bombs and rockets...

against ground targets.

Basically, that's it.

[Hysterical Laughing]

Well, it's not my dress. It's my Playtex Cross Your Heart bra.

Oh, how quaint.

Our universes only start from the inside of our head and go out in all different directions -

in any direction till infinity.

You have a strange language, little one.

Me?

Mother! I'm coming!

I think I'm going to die from it.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Piano: "Wedding March"]

[Tires Squealing]

Stop 'em, brothers!

[Tires Squealing]

[Laughing]

[Yawns]

[Laughing Continues]

Ooh! Oh!

[Man, Faint] Ladies and gentlemen...

I hereby dedicate this magnificent marvel of modern architecture...

one of the largest suspended-arch bridges in the world...

to the people of the greatest -

- [Whistle Blows] - [Clamoring]

- [Boat Horn Blows] - [Alarm Blaring]

[Alarm Whooping]

[Siren Wailing]

[Siren Continues]

[Micky] ♪ My, my ♪

♪ The clock in the sky is pounding away♪

♪ There's so much to say ♪

♪ A face, a voice ♪

♪ An overdub has no choice ♪

♪ An image cannot rejoice ♪

♪ Wanting to be ♪

♪ To hear and to see ♪

♪ Crying ♪

♪ To the sky ♪

[Davy] ♪ But the porpoise is laughing ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

[Micky, Davy] ♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Clicks, clacks ♪

♪ Riding the backs of giraffes for laughs ♪

♪ Is all right for a while ♪

♪ The ego sings ♪

♪ Of castles and kings and things ♪

♪ That go with a life of style ♪

♪ Wanting to feel ♪

♪ To know what is real ♪

♪ Living is a lie ♪

♪ Is a lie ♪

[Davy] ♪ The porpoise is waiting ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

[Micky, Davy] ♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye ♪♪

[Porpoises Calling]

♪♪ [Organ Chord: Crescendo]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [String Quartet: Classical]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Woman: High-pitched Giggle]