Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:30,454 --> 00:00:31,998
Is the sweetheart you married...
2
00:00:32,081 --> 00:00:34,000
the husband
you expected him to be?
3
00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:35,293
Has the war created...
4
00:00:35,376 --> 00:00:37,629
new problems for you
in your marriage?
5
00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,715
To answer these
and other personal problems...
6
00:00:39,798 --> 00:00:41,300
John J. Anthony...
7
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:43,969
founder of the famed
Marital Relations lnstitute...
8
00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:46,514
in a brand-new program
of daily sessions...
9
00:00:46,555 --> 00:00:48,391
of kindly
and helpful advice.
10
00:00:48,474 --> 00:00:51,144
Mr. Anthony, are you ready
for your first case?
11
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:52,687
Quite ready, George.
12
00:00:52,729 --> 00:00:55,357
The first case
is that of Miss C.A.
13
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,985
All right. Let's go.
Your problem, please? Come in.
14
00:00:59,069 --> 00:01:02,656
Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...
15
00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:05,701
"The Court Of Human Relations."
16
00:01:05,743 --> 00:01:09,205
I wonder if we're not
losing sight of the fact...
17
00:01:09,247 --> 00:01:11,624
that the basic reality
of life...
18
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:15,128
is not machinery
or politics or industry...
19
00:01:15,211 --> 00:01:19,278
or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.
20
00:01:25,890 --> 00:01:27,850
Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...
21
00:01:27,892 --> 00:01:29,811
is this one
from a man who writes...
22
00:01:29,894 --> 00:01:31,813
"My second wife
is starting to resent me...
23
00:01:31,896 --> 00:01:34,107
"for all the things
I did with my first wife.
24
00:01:34,337 --> 00:01:36,735
"How can I convince her
that I love her...
25
00:01:36,818 --> 00:01:39,613
"and want us to have
many happy years together?"
26
00:01:39,759 --> 00:01:41,637
Please stay tuned.
27
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,161
Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.
28
00:01:45,244 --> 00:01:47,163
Now, we all have
feminine qualities.
29
00:01:47,246 --> 00:01:49,999
We're a part
of male and female.
30
00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,669
Every man has a tiny vagina...
31
00:01:52,752 --> 00:01:55,005
and every woman
has a tiny penis--
32
00:01:55,088 --> 00:01:57,007
very, very tiny,
but it's there.
33
00:01:57,090 --> 00:01:59,009
We are part of a total whole...
34
00:01:59,092 --> 00:02:01,553
and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...
35
00:02:01,595 --> 00:02:04,348
then we can become
an entire person...
36
00:02:04,431 --> 00:02:07,351
and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...
37
00:02:07,435 --> 00:02:11,648
and become lovable so others
can love us as well.
38
00:02:14,192 --> 00:02:16,611
- Yes, that's right !
39
00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:38,072
- Burns, someone escaped.
- Oh, good.
40
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:41,409
Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?
41
00:02:41,451 --> 00:02:43,745
He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.
42
00:02:43,787 --> 00:02:46,331
Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?
43
00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:47,958
Was Watkins stoned again?
44
00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:49,960
Yes, sir.
- All right.
45
00:02:50,002 --> 00:02:52,630
Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...
46
00:02:52,713 --> 00:02:55,299
and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
47
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,176
It's driving me nuts!
48
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,304
Hey, where are you going?
49
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:03,141
I can't concentrate
with alarm bells going off.
50
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:05,352
I got a friend
out on that ledge...
51
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,937
he's gonna be thrown into solitary.
52
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,273
That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.
53
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,692
I'm sticking to the doctors
and the guards.
54
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,778
It won't be as much fun.
55
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:20,785
Lopez !
56
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,705
I want you to come in here
this instant.
57
00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:24,539
No !
58
00:03:24,623 --> 00:03:27,751
All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.
59
00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,211
I'm--I'm here to listen.
60
00:03:29,294 --> 00:03:31,797
Up yours, man.
- All right.
61
00:03:31,881 --> 00:03:34,467
What I hear you saying
is "Up mine, man."
62
00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:38,304
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
63
00:03:38,388 --> 00:03:42,142
OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...
64
00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:43,685
and that's really good--
listen--
65
00:03:43,768 --> 00:03:47,314
because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.
66
00:03:47,397 --> 00:03:49,858
Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.
67
00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:51,360
You're full of shit.
68
00:03:51,402 --> 00:03:54,739
What I hear you saying--
- Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
69
00:03:54,822 --> 00:03:56,407
Now back the fuck off!
70
00:03:58,868 --> 00:04:00,370
I hear you.
71
00:04:01,997 --> 00:04:03,790
Goddamn it,
I thought I told you...
72
00:04:03,874 --> 00:04:05,751
to beef up
his dose of thorazine.
73
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:08,379
I think we did.
- Yeah.
74
00:04:08,462 --> 00:04:11,966
Lopez, I'm your doctor!
Now get the hell off this ledge!
75
00:04:12,091 --> 00:04:12,904
Hi, Lopez !
76
00:04:13,009 --> 00:04:15,178
Burns?
- Burns!
77
00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:16,638
Dr. Baird! What the heck...
78
00:04:16,721 --> 00:04:18,765
are you two guys
doing out here tonight?
79
00:04:18,848 --> 00:04:20,350
Get out of here, Burns.
80
00:04:20,433 --> 00:04:23,353
I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.
81
00:04:23,395 --> 00:04:27,608
Burns, get back now!
- I want to talk to Burns.
82
00:04:27,691 --> 00:04:29,568
I don't give a shit
what you want, Lopez !
83
00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:32,238
That's very sensitive of you.
84
00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:37,076
Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?
85
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,999
I can handle this.
86
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,585
What makes you think
you're qualified?
87
00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,794
This time, he's jumping.
88
00:04:45,878 --> 00:04:47,171
Next time,
he may be pushing others.
89
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:50,216
He's a menace to society.
- Only if he falls on somebody.
90
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,470
Burns, remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.
91
00:04:54,554 --> 00:04:58,141
Yeah, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?
92
00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:16,578
So, what's the thinking here, Lopez ?
93
00:05:16,619 --> 00:05:20,582
I'm thinking I can fly.
And if not, who gives a shit?
94
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:24,837
And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...
95
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,672
playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?
96
00:05:26,755 --> 00:05:29,633
You're pitching. I'm catching.
Bases are jammed in the ninth.
97
00:05:29,675 --> 00:05:31,302
I call for the spitter.
98
00:05:31,385 --> 00:05:33,262
You hork up
an ungodly goober...
99
00:05:33,304 --> 00:05:35,056
fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.
100
00:05:35,139 --> 00:05:36,683
Mattingly strikes out!
101
00:05:36,766 --> 00:05:39,686
And when the dust clears, man,
it's you and me...
102
00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:43,106
sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...
103
00:05:43,148 --> 00:05:45,943
with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.
104
00:05:45,985 --> 00:05:49,196
No way, man.
- And why not?
105
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,489
'Cause even in a dream...
106
00:05:50,573 --> 00:05:52,825
the Cubs can't win
a World Series.
107
00:05:52,909 --> 00:05:57,872
To hell with it. I'm jumping.
- Wait! Wait!
108
00:05:57,956 --> 00:05:59,958
Now, here's an aspect
of your death...
109
00:05:59,1000 --> 00:06:02,002
that you may have overlooked.
110
00:06:02,044 --> 00:06:04,004
You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?
111
00:06:04,046 --> 00:06:06,340
I hate the miserable bastard.
112
00:06:06,423 --> 00:06:08,175
Just think how awful
you could make him feel...
113
00:06:08,259 --> 00:06:10,136
if I can talk you
off this ledge...
114
00:06:10,177 --> 00:06:12,013
and succeed where he failed.
115
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:28,072
Get in here, Burns.
- Wait a minute, Dr. Baird.
116
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,740
Now, all those people
down there...
117
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,909
have come here
expecting someone to jump.
118
00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:34,913
And if nobody does,
they are going to leave here...
119
00:06:34,996 --> 00:06:36,456
with an empty, unsatisfied...
120
00:06:36,539 --> 00:06:38,291
what-is-the-point-of-my-job
kind of feeling.
121
00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:41,044
Do you know what I mean?
- No, and I don't care.
122
00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:44,006
Well, that's the difference
between you and me.
123
00:06:44,048 --> 00:06:48,386
I do care. And now...
124
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:55,435
diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...
125
00:06:55,518 --> 00:06:58,772
John William Burns, Jr.
126
00:06:58,855 --> 00:07:05,905
Geronimo! Heads up!
127
00:07:22,089 --> 00:07:23,298
George?
128
00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,931
What?
129
00:07:29,972 --> 00:07:33,893
It's a beautiful day outside.
Don't you want to get up today?
130
00:07:34,498 --> 00:07:35,520
No.
131
00:07:36,271 --> 00:07:39,274
But you've been in bed
for two weeks.
132
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:40,776
So?
133
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:43,904
Well, you're a psychiatrist.
Don't you think that's odd?
134
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:44,947
No.
135
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:46,907
I brought you some lunch.
136
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:51,829
George, I really think this is
one of your worst depressions.
137
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,293
Am I alone
in this marriage, Vera?
138
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,128
How many times
do I have to tell you?
139
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,256
I'm not depressed.
I just need space.
140
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,262
What about your radio show
and your patients?
141
00:08:06,303 --> 00:08:09,140
Patients? With their
petty penis problems...
142
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:12,769
and their empty
vaginal concerns?
143
00:08:12,811 --> 00:08:15,814
Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!
144
00:08:15,897 --> 00:08:18,442
All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.
145
00:08:18,525 --> 00:08:19,818
Can I get you anything?
146
00:08:22,488 --> 00:08:24,114
I love you.
147
00:08:24,156 --> 00:08:26,158
I can't deal with that, either.
148
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:38,130
All right, George.
Time to say good-bye.
149
00:08:50,351 --> 00:08:52,645
Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...
150
00:08:52,687 --> 00:08:54,314
first feel the burning need...
151
00:08:54,356 --> 00:08:55,732
to assist
the mentally handicapped?
152
00:08:55,816 --> 00:08:57,317
When we found out
we could hit them...
153
00:08:57,359 --> 00:08:58,485
without getting caught.
154
00:08:58,569 --> 00:09:00,779
Hi, Robin. How are you?
155
00:09:02,698 --> 00:09:06,661
He's all yours.
- I've heard that before.
156
00:09:15,504 --> 00:09:17,631
So, kid, you missed my dive.
157
00:09:17,714 --> 00:09:19,967
It was a classic.
But you'll be able...
158
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,844
to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.
159
00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:28,393
Please, let me take you
away from all of this.
160
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,353
I think my boss is planning...
161
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,981
to take you away
from all of this.
162
00:09:34,566 --> 00:09:36,860
Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.
163
00:09:36,902 --> 00:09:39,196
I'm sorry,
Dr. Baird's no longer...
164
00:09:39,238 --> 00:09:40,781
connected with this institution
in any way...
165
00:09:40,864 --> 00:09:43,117
shape, fashion, or form.
166
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,913
He can be reached
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
167
00:09:46,996 --> 00:09:48,206
No, as a patient.
168
00:09:49,332 --> 00:09:52,085
What am I supposed to say
when they call back?
169
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:53,295
Tell them the truth.
170
00:09:53,378 --> 00:09:55,547
He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.
171
00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:57,800
You embarrassed me.
172
00:09:57,883 --> 00:10:01,804
You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...
173
00:10:01,887 --> 00:10:04,515
and the entire state
health care system...
174
00:10:04,599 --> 00:10:06,392
all for a cheap laugh.
175
00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:07,644
It was not cheap.
176
00:10:07,727 --> 00:10:11,773
It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?
177
00:10:11,856 --> 00:10:13,066
Your record.
178
00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:15,444
Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.
179
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,571
Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--
180
00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:19,156
Shut up.
181
00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:23,411
Thrown out of Cornell.
Dumped by the Army.
182
00:10:23,452 --> 00:10:27,457
Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.
183
00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:29,250
I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...
184
00:10:29,292 --> 00:10:32,420
a pathological misfit
with delusions of grandeur.
185
00:10:32,462 --> 00:10:34,297
I think Jung said it best,
or perhaps it was from...
186
00:10:34,381 --> 00:10:35,841
"The Anatomy of
Human Destructiveness--"
187
00:10:35,924 --> 00:10:38,927
A little learning
is a dangerous thing.
188
00:10:38,969 --> 00:10:40,971
Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?
189
00:10:41,013 --> 00:10:43,850
No. What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...
190
00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:46,144
is your transfer
back to prison.
191
00:10:50,148 --> 00:10:53,610
Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?
192
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,904
You're here because
you were able to convince...
193
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,991
a bleeding-heart warden
that you were crazy.
194
00:10:59,074 --> 00:11:03,079
I know you're not crazy.
195
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:07,166
You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.
196
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:11,463
Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...
197
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:15,008
and it stays that way
if you behave.
198
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:18,304
If not,
your ass is back in prison.
199
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,847
Need I say more?
200
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,975
- Actually, George, I think
we can contain this problem.
201
00:11:23,017 --> 00:11:25,645
You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.
202
00:11:25,687 --> 00:11:28,022
I'll just get the P.R. guys
to start deflecting the flack.
203
00:11:28,106 --> 00:11:29,691
I did not have
a nervous breakdown...
204
00:11:29,774 --> 00:11:31,318
and I did not try
to kill myself.
205
00:11:31,401 --> 00:11:33,153
I'm simply a man who,
under a lot of stress...
206
00:11:33,195 --> 00:11:34,613
took a few too many valium.
207
00:11:34,696 --> 00:11:37,908
lt was twenty-seven.
- Were you actually counting?
208
00:11:37,992 --> 00:11:40,703
I'm a big fan of yours,
Dr. Maitlin.
209
00:11:40,786 --> 00:11:41,996
My name is Klevin...
210
00:11:42,038 --> 00:11:44,540
and I really think
your radio show is special.
211
00:11:44,624 --> 00:11:45,792
Thank you.
212
00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:48,712
You saved my life one time.
- Really? I did?
213
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,505
I was living in one of those...
214
00:11:50,589 --> 00:11:52,341
depressing apartments
in North Hollywood.
215
00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,384
It was one of those hot
July eighth kind of--
216
00:11:54,468 --> 00:11:55,719
You know what, Klevin?
217
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:57,513
I really can't cope
with this right now.
218
00:11:57,596 --> 00:11:58,973
I'm under
a tremendous amount of stress.
219
00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:00,433
Get me out of here.
220
00:12:04,938 --> 00:12:06,231
- - Dr. Rosenberg...
221
00:12:06,314 --> 00:12:07,857
I've got to get out of L.A.
222
00:12:07,941 --> 00:12:10,694
I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.
223
00:12:10,735 --> 00:12:12,738
You're in no shape
to go anywhere.
224
00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:14,531
Actually, George has a point.
225
00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:16,617
People find out
he's at a you-know-what...
226
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,244
and tried to commit
you-know-what...
227
00:12:18,327 --> 00:12:19,704
it would be very bad
for business.
228
00:12:19,745 --> 00:12:21,205
Harvey, book me to London.
229
00:12:21,247 --> 00:12:23,624
Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...
230
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:25,502
to do research on my next book.
231
00:12:25,585 --> 00:12:28,463
Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?
232
00:12:28,546 --> 00:12:31,591
There's no book.
It's just a business lie.
233
00:12:31,842 --> 00:12:32,801
Oh, Dr. Maitlin...
234
00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,052
What?
235
00:12:34,136 --> 00:12:37,181
Was there something wrong
with the service?
236
00:12:37,264 --> 00:12:40,059
Did I offend you in some way?
- What do you want?
237
00:12:40,142 --> 00:12:42,353
The gratuity was a bit scarce.
238
00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:45,190
I see. You want more money?
239
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,737
Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!
240
00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:53,615
They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!
241
00:12:53,699 --> 00:12:54,825
We'll pay for it.
242
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,912
Is everyone all right
except the waiter?
243
00:12:57,995 --> 00:13:01,290
Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.
244
00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:04,398
Thank you, Vera.
- You're welcome, George.
245
00:13:04,961 --> 00:13:07,213
I need to find a replacement--
246
00:13:07,297 --> 00:13:09,633
someone from
a mediocre medical school.
247
00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:11,760
Someone who can
take over my practice...
248
00:13:11,802 --> 00:13:14,013
without really curing anyone.
249
00:13:14,096 --> 00:13:16,849
Someone who can continue
my radio show...
250
00:13:16,932 --> 00:13:19,268
without helping anyone
and making me look bad.
251
00:13:19,352 --> 00:13:20,937
In other words, a bum.
252
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,982
Right, but make sure
it's an out-of-state bum.
253
00:13:24,023 --> 00:13:25,233
Why?
254
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:27,277
Why? Because every therapist
in this town...
255
00:13:27,319 --> 00:13:29,738
is insanely jealous of me.
256
00:13:32,574 --> 00:13:34,660
Find me some convention
in London...
257
00:13:34,743 --> 00:13:36,871
so I can write it off.
258
00:13:38,289 --> 00:13:41,376
I just want to go to sleep.
259
00:13:49,676 --> 00:13:52,596
Fastball.
- Good.
260
00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:54,306
Peace.
261
00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:56,350
If you're gonna play
in the Major Leagues...
262
00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:58,019
you've got to learn
what the signals are.
263
00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:01,481
This is important, OK?
Now...
264
00:14:01,522 --> 00:14:02,899
Spitball.
- Good.
265
00:14:02,982 --> 00:14:04,150
- Happy hour.
266
00:14:04,192 --> 00:14:06,027
Look, you're interrupting
the game, all right?
267
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,155
Now get off the field.
268
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:09,990
Open your mouth.
269
00:14:10,032 --> 00:14:11,909
You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.
270
00:14:11,992 --> 00:14:13,827
Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.
271
00:14:13,869 --> 00:14:18,833
Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.
272
00:14:18,875 --> 00:14:23,338
But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!
273
00:14:23,421 --> 00:14:24,881
Help me.
274
00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:27,926
Sunlight comes at daytime
275
00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:31,847
And the moonlight comes
at night
276
00:14:33,891 --> 00:14:36,519
You call my name
277
00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:39,856
And I get a fever
when you hold me tight
278
00:14:39,897 --> 00:14:42,192
You give me fever
279
00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,110
Fever
280
00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:52,411
It's so wrong. He's my husband.
281
00:14:52,494 --> 00:14:54,330
You're his lawyer
and best friend.
282
00:14:54,413 --> 00:14:56,207
From now on,
just think of me as his lawyer.
283
00:14:57,750 --> 00:15:01,212
What if George's depression
is because he knows about us?
284
00:15:01,296 --> 00:15:02,589
Did he say anything?
- No.
285
00:15:02,672 --> 00:15:06,384
Good!
- What are you doing?
286
00:15:06,468 --> 00:15:09,054
All I can think about
is having you on my desk.
287
00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:12,224
It's so wrong.
- I'm so tired of what's right.
288
00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:25,489
Are you all right?
- No, we're not all right.
289
00:15:25,572 --> 00:15:28,325
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
290
00:15:28,408 --> 00:15:29,743
Not at all.
291
00:15:33,122 --> 00:15:36,042
Is that a Chloe or a Montana?
292
00:15:36,125 --> 00:15:40,234
It's a Gee Kee.
- Outrageous.
293
00:15:42,465 --> 00:15:44,092
This ought to cheer you up.
294
00:15:45,302 --> 00:15:47,137
I think I found
the perfect guy.
295
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,515
He's in Chicago.
- Good. Who is he?
296
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,101
His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird.
He's chief psychiatrist...
297
00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:54,645
for the Cicero County
Corrections Mental Facility--
298
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,230
a real dump,
which ought to satisfy...
299
00:15:56,314 --> 00:15:57,732
Maitlin's
out-of-state requirements.
300
00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:58,942
That's good.
- Secondly...
301
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,860
he wrote his doctoral thesis
on Maitlin's theory...
302
00:16:00,944 --> 00:16:03,697
of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...
303
00:16:03,780 --> 00:16:05,031
with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.
304
00:16:05,115 --> 00:16:07,659
Perfect. Is he too smart?
305
00:16:07,743 --> 00:16:10,162
He graduated from
Florida State University...
306
00:16:10,204 --> 00:16:11,664
with a C-plus average.
307
00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:13,290
The guy's lucky to be working.
308
00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:20,757
The sleeves on this jacket
are awfully long.
309
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,218
I always like to show
a little linen at the cuff.
310
00:16:23,301 --> 00:16:25,095
You're a smart ass...
311
00:16:25,178 --> 00:16:27,431
and you'll always be
a smart ass.
312
00:16:27,514 --> 00:16:31,018
Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.
313
00:16:31,101 --> 00:16:32,645
They won't take me.
314
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:35,022
You convinced them
you were crazy.
315
00:16:35,106 --> 00:16:39,152
You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...
316
00:16:39,194 --> 00:16:42,239
"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."
317
00:16:42,322 --> 00:16:44,866
That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.
318
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:46,869
You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...
319
00:16:46,952 --> 00:16:50,247
Kleenex, Naugahyde.
- An epicure! Good!
320
00:16:50,331 --> 00:16:52,333
I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...
321
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:54,627
a jug of water,
and thou licking the floor...
322
00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:56,587
of maximum solitary.
323
00:16:56,671 --> 00:17:00,258
I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.
324
00:17:00,342 --> 00:17:02,177
One would think you'd be
thought of around here...
325
00:17:02,219 --> 00:17:04,346
as a poet instead of
an ignorant, puffed-up...
326
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:05,889
smidgen of blowfish shit.
327
00:17:13,397 --> 00:17:16,776
A self-destructive need
to defy authority.
328
00:17:16,859 --> 00:17:19,404
Now that's convincing.
329
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:22,407
Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...
330
00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:24,534
the right environment for you.
331
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:28,789
You require something
more specialized.
332
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:31,834
They've got
this endorphin research...
333
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,337
going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.
334
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,965
Research? That's very exciting!
335
00:17:37,048 --> 00:17:39,718
Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.
336
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:40,886
Trouble is...
337
00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:44,306
they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.
338
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:47,101
They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.
339
00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:49,728
Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.
340
00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:52,356
A subject
for all those experiments...
341
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,233
they want to do on you...
342
00:17:54,275 --> 00:17:57,987
for the rest
of your four-year stretch.
343
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:00,240
And with you out of my way...
344
00:18:00,282 --> 00:18:01,742
I can take my vacation
in peace.
345
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:13,129
Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.
346
00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:14,631
Don't go away.
347
00:18:14,672 --> 00:18:16,674
I'm not quite finished with you.
348
00:18:57,552 --> 00:18:59,221
May I speak to Dr. Baird,
please?
349
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,680
This is Dr. Baird.
350
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,475
I hope you don't mind.
I'm using my speaker phone.
351
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,935
Not at all.
This is Harvey Michaels.
352
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,604
I'm the attorney
for the Greater Los Angeles...
353
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,230
Neuro-Psychiatric Society.
354
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,067
I'm calling on behalf
of Dr. George Maitlin.
355
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,276
Never heard of him.
356
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,487
Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...
357
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,532
on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
358
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:22,204
Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?
359
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,123
Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...
360
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:25,457
and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...
361
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:26,667
while he was away.
362
00:19:26,709 --> 00:19:29,337
What kind of money
are we talking about here?
363
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:31,506
Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...
364
00:19:31,589 --> 00:19:33,383
has about
the most successful practice...
365
00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:34,592
in Southern California.
366
00:19:34,676 --> 00:19:36,011
I don't like
that word "about"...
367
00:19:36,094 --> 00:19:37,846
especially when
we're talking about money.
368
00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:39,848
Could you volunteer
a few numbers?
369
00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:43,102
I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--
370
00:19:43,185 --> 00:19:46,021
give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.
371
00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:48,941
Are you there, doctor?
372
00:19:49,025 --> 00:19:51,861
I'm here, Harvey,
but I'm coming there.
373
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:55,407
Great! When can you start?
- ls tomorrow too late?
374
00:19:55,448 --> 00:19:57,284
I need to get released
from a few things.
375
00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:58,827
He'll be here tomorrow.
376
00:19:58,910 --> 00:20:01,580
Shouldn't we tell him
about the radio show?
377
00:20:01,663 --> 00:20:03,540
I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.
378
00:20:03,582 --> 00:20:06,377
Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.
379
00:20:06,419 --> 00:20:08,129
Are you there?
380
00:20:08,212 --> 00:20:10,047
We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.
381
00:20:10,089 --> 00:20:11,466
I'm going to leave
a ticket for you...
382
00:20:11,549 --> 00:20:13,384
at Continental--
first class, of course.
383
00:20:13,468 --> 00:20:14,761
Only way to go!
384
00:20:14,844 --> 00:20:17,222
It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.
385
00:20:17,264 --> 00:20:18,557
Just call me Larry.
386
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,226
He wants us to call him Larry.
387
00:20:21,268 --> 00:20:23,062
What was that all about?
388
00:20:23,145 --> 00:20:26,357
My future.
Here, get me out of this.
389
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,359
You must be joking.
- Just for five minutes.
390
00:20:28,442 --> 00:20:29,902
But Baird could be back
any second.
391
00:20:29,944 --> 00:20:31,112
That's why we have to hurry.
392
00:20:31,195 --> 00:20:35,617
Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?
393
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:38,078
Lunch.
- Official break.
394
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,454
That's a new one.
395
00:20:47,672 --> 00:20:50,091
You're stealing
my ambulance pager.
396
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:53,178
I'm not. I'm redesigning it.
May I have a hairpin, please?
397
00:20:55,430 --> 00:20:57,516
You're such a crook.
398
00:20:59,810 --> 00:21:01,645
Hurry, please!
399
00:21:03,439 --> 00:21:07,109
You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.
400
00:21:07,151 --> 00:21:08,528
Yes, I did.
401
00:21:09,654 --> 00:21:10,822
Hurry!
402
00:21:16,828 --> 00:21:18,622
Dr. Baird's office.
403
00:21:18,664 --> 00:21:21,458
I love you, baby.
404
00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:27,381
Are you planning to escape?
405
00:21:27,465 --> 00:21:29,884
Let's call it
unauthorized egress.
406
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:31,553
That's where
your pager comes in.
407
00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:34,097
And my hairpin.
- Get that so he can't see it.
408
00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:38,268
Even if you made it
out of the building...
409
00:21:38,352 --> 00:21:40,396
how do you expect
to get past the guard gate?
410
00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:44,775
Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.
411
00:21:44,859 --> 00:21:46,986
I was hoping
that you could park your car...
412
00:21:47,028 --> 00:21:49,530
out front with the keys
above the sun visor?
413
00:21:49,614 --> 00:21:52,867
You're crazy.
- Not according to Dr. Baird.
414
00:22:01,377 --> 00:22:04,505
Any calls?
- It's been very quiet.
415
00:22:08,509 --> 00:22:12,097
Thanks to you
and your little tap dance...
416
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:15,225
Lopez is now doing
his carrot impression.
417
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:20,856
You'll be out of here tomorrow.
418
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:22,691
I sure hope so.
419
00:22:30,825 --> 00:22:32,619
It's all set.
420
00:22:34,413 --> 00:22:35,747
You're excused.
421
00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:03,611
Jack, this is Dr. Baird.
422
00:23:03,694 --> 00:23:05,780
Would you and Phil
please come to my office?
423
00:23:05,863 --> 00:23:07,073
Yes, sir. Right away.
424
00:23:07,156 --> 00:23:08,741
I've been
much too harsh on you...
425
00:23:08,825 --> 00:23:09,951
for these minor infractions.
426
00:23:10,035 --> 00:23:12,746
Come down to my office
immediately.
427
00:23:12,829 --> 00:23:15,290
Baird's off his rocker.
428
00:23:19,378 --> 00:23:23,174
- Security.
Chuck, Jack Watkins here.
429
00:23:23,257 --> 00:23:25,051
What the hell's
going on down there?
430
00:23:25,134 --> 00:23:26,844
Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...
431
00:23:26,928 --> 00:23:28,888
and the alarm bells
are going off.
432
00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:30,473
- I don't get any signal
down here.
433
00:23:30,515 --> 00:23:33,518
- They're all turned off.
No, they ain't.
434
00:23:33,602 --> 00:23:35,020
They're ringing.
I can hear 'em.
435
00:23:35,103 --> 00:23:37,106
And Baird's having
a hot-dipped shit fit.
436
00:23:37,189 --> 00:23:40,443
- Nobody's flashing.
Don't tell me goddamn nothing.
437
00:23:40,484 --> 00:23:42,737
Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...
438
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:45,198
and turn off
the main switch right now.
439
00:24:08,056 --> 00:24:09,641
He ain't there.
440
00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:11,518
He gets weirder all the time.
441
00:25:06,202 --> 00:25:07,454
Good evening.
442
00:25:07,537 --> 00:25:09,289
I believe you have
a prepaid ticket for Baird.
443
00:25:10,415 --> 00:25:12,417
B-a-i-r-d? Right?
444
00:25:15,004 --> 00:25:19,800
Dr. Baird?
- Yeah. Doctor. That's me.
445
00:25:19,884 --> 00:25:21,969
I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.
446
00:25:22,053 --> 00:25:23,721
All set, Dr. Baird.
447
00:25:23,805 --> 00:25:25,932
Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.
448
00:25:26,015 --> 00:25:28,518
Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.
449
00:25:33,315 --> 00:25:35,776
Sir?
- No handcuffs.
450
00:25:35,859 --> 00:25:37,069
Can I have your name, please?
451
00:25:37,153 --> 00:25:40,781
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.
452
00:25:40,865 --> 00:25:42,909
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
453
00:25:42,951 --> 00:25:44,577
Can I offer you anything,
Dr. Baird?
454
00:25:44,619 --> 00:25:47,330
A bag of macadamia nuts,
all your available cheeses...
455
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:49,249
a dozen raspberries
with creme fraiche...
456
00:25:49,332 --> 00:25:50,792
and a double shot
of Black Bush.
457
00:25:50,876 --> 00:25:52,920
On top of the raspberries?
- No, I'll take it neat.
458
00:25:53,003 --> 00:25:54,630
Neat?
- No ice.
459
00:25:54,713 --> 00:25:58,801
Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.
460
00:25:58,884 --> 00:26:00,845
Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...
461
00:26:05,225 --> 00:26:07,978
So, the guy turns to the lady,
and he says...
462
00:26:08,061 --> 00:26:09,771
"Lady, you look like
a very nice woman.
463
00:26:09,855 --> 00:26:12,149
"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."
464
00:26:12,232 --> 00:26:14,735
He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."
465
00:26:14,818 --> 00:26:17,488
Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.
466
00:26:17,571 --> 00:26:18,906
And so are you--just kidding.
467
00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:20,700
Captain, thanks for
letting me sit in your lap.
468
00:26:20,783 --> 00:26:22,744
I felt like an 8-year-old kid.
Really. All right.
469
00:26:24,162 --> 00:26:26,665
Hey! I'm Baird.
470
00:26:26,748 --> 00:26:29,209
I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?
471
00:26:29,292 --> 00:26:32,171
Hey, you! With the sign!
472
00:26:32,254 --> 00:26:34,340
Luscious one! I'm the man...
473
00:26:34,423 --> 00:26:36,133
you've been waiting for
your whole life.
474
00:26:36,217 --> 00:26:38,177
Aren't you supposed to pick up
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
475
00:26:38,261 --> 00:26:40,763
Yes.
-That's me, Dr. Baird.
476
00:26:40,847 --> 00:26:44,350
I just saw my name
on your sign.
477
00:26:44,434 --> 00:26:46,311
Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?
478
00:26:46,353 --> 00:26:48,605
Do I have to call security?
479
00:26:48,689 --> 00:26:50,107
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
480
00:26:50,190 --> 00:26:51,942
I was contacted
by Harvey Michaels.
481
00:26:52,025 --> 00:26:54,987
I'm supposed to be filling in
for Dr. George Maitlin.
482
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,494
You're not what
I was expecting.
483
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:06,416
I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?
484
00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:08,085
What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?
485
00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:11,755
It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.
486
00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:15,593
I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.
487
00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:18,054
Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?
488
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:20,848
I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
489
00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:22,058
The car's outside...
490
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,351
so if you'll give me
your claim checks...
491
00:27:23,393 --> 00:27:25,061
I'll have your bags picked up.
492
00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:27,689
No bags. Mugged in Chicago.
493
00:27:27,773 --> 00:27:29,191
Really?
494
00:27:29,274 --> 00:27:31,026
Right in long-term parking
at the airport.
495
00:27:31,068 --> 00:27:33,028
Three guys this big.
One had his arm around my neck.
496
00:27:33,070 --> 00:27:34,363
The other
went through my pockets.
497
00:27:34,405 --> 00:27:36,699
And what did the third do?
- He encouraged them.
498
00:27:37,867 --> 00:27:40,286
Trees suffer, too...
499
00:27:40,370 --> 00:27:43,790
palm, elm,
oleander, eucalyptus.
500
00:27:43,873 --> 00:27:47,294
You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?
501
00:27:47,377 --> 00:27:49,797
Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...
502
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,508
they make
when they're being cut!
503
00:27:52,591 --> 00:27:55,803
I'd like you to meet
Oscar Hendricks.
504
00:27:55,886 --> 00:27:59,766
He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.
505
00:27:59,849 --> 00:28:01,059
Radio show?
506
00:28:01,100 --> 00:28:03,603
Welcome to L.A., Doctor.
Where's your luggage?
507
00:28:03,687 --> 00:28:05,105
Dr. Baird has no luggage.
508
00:28:05,188 --> 00:28:07,774
We can go straight
to the Bel Air.
509
00:28:07,858 --> 00:28:09,067
Excuse us.
- Doctor?
510
00:28:09,109 --> 00:28:12,947
Sir? You hear that noise?
511
00:28:13,030 --> 00:28:15,157
Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...
512
00:28:15,241 --> 00:28:16,659
made by ivy weeping...
513
00:28:16,742 --> 00:28:21,247
during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.
514
00:28:21,331 --> 00:28:23,416
Who speaks for horticulture?
515
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:26,378
- Doctor, you certainly--
Look, ease up on me, pal.
516
00:28:26,461 --> 00:28:28,422
I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.
517
00:28:28,464 --> 00:28:30,215
I know you're busy.
518
00:28:30,299 --> 00:28:32,968
Only God can make a tree,
but only you can spare one.
519
00:28:33,052 --> 00:28:34,470
My friend,
I think at this juncture...
520
00:28:34,512 --> 00:28:35,930
I should explain something
to you.
521
00:28:35,972 --> 00:28:38,600
I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--
522
00:28:38,641 --> 00:28:40,602
Webster City, lowa.
Maybe you know it.
523
00:28:40,643 --> 00:28:43,480
Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.
524
00:28:43,563 --> 00:28:44,940
Outside my bedroom window...
525
00:28:44,981 --> 00:28:47,526
there was a spectacular,
huge, giant elm tree.
526
00:28:47,609 --> 00:28:49,403
One night,
there was a fierce hailstorm.
527
00:28:49,486 --> 00:28:51,280
That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.
528
00:28:51,322 --> 00:28:55,827
Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.
529
00:28:55,910 --> 00:29:00,123
Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.
530
00:29:00,165 --> 00:29:02,626
Wait a second, Doctor.
Wait a second.
531
00:29:02,667 --> 00:29:05,754
Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--
532
00:29:05,837 --> 00:29:07,130
Of course
they look familiar to you...
533
00:29:07,172 --> 00:29:09,300
if you've got a subscription
to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."
534
00:29:09,383 --> 00:29:12,011
And incidentally, they grind up
twenty-five maples...
535
00:29:12,094 --> 00:29:13,346
for the September issue.
536
00:29:13,429 --> 00:29:15,139
Did you hear that, everybody?
537
00:29:15,181 --> 00:29:18,476
A doctor who won't help
his little green friends.
538
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,646
Don't you know
that no man is so tall...
539
00:29:21,688 --> 00:29:23,231
as when he stoops
to pet a plant?
540
00:29:23,315 --> 00:29:27,069
I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.
541
00:29:27,152 --> 00:29:29,655
I'm sorry.
- This is police brutality!
542
00:29:29,738 --> 00:29:32,867
How does it feel
to be uprooted?
543
00:29:32,950 --> 00:29:35,077
Put me down!
544
00:29:35,161 --> 00:29:36,913
Let go of me, will you?
545
00:29:36,996 --> 00:29:39,833
How long have you been
a policeman? Help!
546
00:29:39,874 --> 00:29:41,334
Help! Police brutality!
547
00:29:41,376 --> 00:29:42,586
Is this really necessary?
548
00:29:42,669 --> 00:29:47,007
All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.
549
00:29:47,091 --> 00:29:48,217
Isn't that touching?
550
00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:49,718
Do you want to press charges?
551
00:29:49,802 --> 00:29:52,805
You bet I do.
This man's a menace to society.
552
00:29:52,888 --> 00:29:54,348
All right. Come on.
553
00:29:54,390 --> 00:29:56,017
What did you think
about his display...
554
00:29:56,059 --> 00:29:59,354
of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?
555
00:29:59,437 --> 00:30:01,773
I believe in
the secret life of plants.
556
00:30:01,857 --> 00:30:04,234
In fact,
I consulted on that book.
557
00:30:04,318 --> 00:30:06,528
So where are they gonna
take him, anyway?
558
00:30:06,570 --> 00:30:09,782
If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.
559
00:30:09,865 --> 00:30:11,867
He's not crazy.
560
00:30:11,951 --> 00:30:14,787
That's a pretty speedy
diagnosis, Doctor.
561
00:30:14,871 --> 00:30:17,123
Antisocial behavior
just happens to be...
562
00:30:17,207 --> 00:30:18,625
my professional specialty.
563
00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:23,213
You have lunch with Michaels
at the hotel at 12:00.
564
00:30:23,296 --> 00:30:25,883
That's good, because
there's nothing in here.
565
00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:27,760
Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...
566
00:30:27,843 --> 00:30:29,470
at nine o'clock in the morning.
567
00:30:29,553 --> 00:30:31,764
You forgot.
It's later back east.
568
00:30:35,184 --> 00:30:36,603
Well, after lunch--
569
00:30:36,686 --> 00:30:37,812
What's the number at the hotel?
570
00:30:37,896 --> 00:30:40,398
What?
- What's the number of the hotel?
571
00:30:40,482 --> 00:30:42,150
472-1 21 1!
572
00:30:42,234 --> 00:30:45,446
Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.
573
00:30:45,529 --> 00:30:48,157
Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!
574
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,077
Is it like a panel show--
me with a bunch other doctors?
575
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,703
It's a call-in show...
576
00:30:52,787 --> 00:30:53,996
Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.
577
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,498
...vending-machine photo
of you and Sally...
578
00:30:55,582 --> 00:30:59,794
and a partially used box
of Mentor condoms.
579
00:30:59,878 --> 00:31:01,338
My favorite brand.
580
00:31:01,421 --> 00:31:03,382
It made me proud to think
that my son...
581
00:31:03,465 --> 00:31:05,843
is one of those people
who can have his cake...
582
00:31:05,926 --> 00:31:09,096
and eat it, too.
Son, I'm proud of you.
583
00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:12,600
And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.
584
00:31:12,642 --> 00:31:13,768
Love, Dad.
585
00:31:13,851 --> 00:31:15,603
This is Dr. Baird.
586
00:31:15,687 --> 00:31:17,355
I'll be checking in shortly,
and I wondered...
587
00:31:17,439 --> 00:31:20,275
if could you send
some things to my room?
588
00:31:20,358 --> 00:31:24,488
Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...
589
00:31:24,571 --> 00:31:27,867
and a pound of Beluga caviar.
590
00:31:27,950 --> 00:31:31,621
Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?
591
00:31:31,662 --> 00:31:34,082
Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...
592
00:31:34,165 --> 00:31:35,792
and throw in some cheese puffs.
593
00:31:41,757 --> 00:31:43,509
- What are those
big white things?
594
00:31:43,592 --> 00:31:46,345
They're swans.
They belong to the hotel.
595
00:31:46,428 --> 00:31:47,847
- Are they dangerous?
Hardly.
596
00:31:47,930 --> 00:31:51,476
- That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.
597
00:31:51,559 --> 00:31:54,521
10 1/2 "D" wide.
- 10 1/2 "D" wide.
598
00:31:54,562 --> 00:31:56,856
Boots.
- Make that boots.
599
00:31:56,940 --> 00:31:59,067
With corn pads.
- With corn pads.
600
00:31:59,151 --> 00:32:03,781
And arch supports.
- And arch supports. Thank you.
601
00:32:03,864 --> 00:32:05,950
You know how I like my shirts?
602
00:32:06,033 --> 00:32:07,743
Shirts should match the suits.
603
00:32:07,827 --> 00:32:09,495
You mean a la page.
604
00:32:14,209 --> 00:32:15,502
Exactly.
605
00:32:20,090 --> 00:32:21,341
Excuse me.
606
00:32:21,425 --> 00:32:24,219
Here you go. Thank you.
607
00:32:24,303 --> 00:32:25,846
Why, thank you, sir.
608
00:32:25,930 --> 00:32:27,974
Would you like some caviar?
We've got plenty.
609
00:32:28,057 --> 00:32:30,226
No, thank you.
- All right.
610
00:32:30,309 --> 00:32:32,520
I thought
they took your wallet.
611
00:32:34,814 --> 00:32:36,858
They did,
but when you live in Chicago...
612
00:32:36,942 --> 00:32:38,693
you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...
613
00:32:38,777 --> 00:32:40,028
in your hollowed-out heel.
614
00:32:40,112 --> 00:32:42,865
Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.
615
00:32:42,906 --> 00:32:44,575
Thank you, Doctor.
616
00:32:44,658 --> 00:32:46,368
No trouble, Doctor.
617
00:33:12,856 --> 00:33:14,149
Thank you.
618
00:33:20,322 --> 00:33:21,990
- Lawrence.
Harvey.
619
00:33:22,074 --> 00:33:23,659
My assistant Perry Kovin.
620
00:33:23,742 --> 00:33:25,119
How do you do?
- Dr. Baird.
621
00:33:25,202 --> 00:33:27,038
And here's to
a successful practice, Lawrence.
622
00:33:27,121 --> 00:33:29,248
May I call you Larry?
- Sure.
623
00:33:34,462 --> 00:33:38,133
By the way, Harvey,
how long does this job last?
624
00:33:38,216 --> 00:33:40,177
At least six months.
625
00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:44,098
Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.
626
00:33:44,181 --> 00:33:45,850
It could be a little less.
627
00:33:45,933 --> 00:33:47,268
Six months
will cost you half a mil.
628
00:33:47,351 --> 00:33:48,895
I'd like 200 thou up-front.
629
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,482
That's steep.
630
00:33:52,565 --> 00:33:54,526
I'll tell you what.
You go and find...
631
00:33:54,609 --> 00:33:56,319
a psychiatrist
with my qualifications...
632
00:33:56,403 --> 00:33:58,322
who's willing to give up
his practice and come here...
633
00:33:58,405 --> 00:34:00,657
with no guarantees
and no cash up-front.
634
00:34:00,741 --> 00:34:01,867
I'm sure he's out there...
635
00:34:01,951 --> 00:34:03,536
but he probably
doesn't speak English.
636
00:34:03,619 --> 00:34:06,914
Your practice, Larry,
consists of a couple of wards...
637
00:34:06,998 --> 00:34:08,791
of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.
638
00:34:08,833 --> 00:34:10,335
You don't have
a private practice.
639
00:34:10,376 --> 00:34:11,503
You work for the county...
640
00:34:11,586 --> 00:34:13,380
and drive a Volare
without a radio.
641
00:34:13,463 --> 00:34:18,385
The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?
642
00:34:18,468 --> 00:34:21,305
We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...
643
00:34:23,808 --> 00:34:25,267
50,000.
644
00:34:25,351 --> 00:34:27,854
I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.
645
00:34:27,937 --> 00:34:29,647
And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...
646
00:34:29,731 --> 00:34:32,359
you would have grabbed them.
But I'm the one you wanted.
647
00:34:32,442 --> 00:34:36,154
And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.
648
00:34:36,196 --> 00:34:38,323
I think we all want
to make this work.
649
00:34:38,365 --> 00:34:40,326
I'll just have
to call Dr. Maitlin.
650
00:34:40,367 --> 00:34:42,328
After all, it's his money.
651
00:34:44,914 --> 00:34:46,666
You talk to him.
652
00:34:47,709 --> 00:34:49,836
No lunch?
653
00:34:49,919 --> 00:34:53,173
I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.
654
00:34:53,256 --> 00:34:55,342
And you have an important
phone call to make.
655
00:34:55,425 --> 00:34:57,386
So, ciao, now.
656
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:07,928
Vera...
657
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:13,820
I have something
to confess to you.
658
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:15,822
I've done something wrong.
659
00:35:15,906 --> 00:35:18,325
I can't keep it inside anymore.
660
00:35:18,409 --> 00:35:21,287
Did you eat
all of the cucumber sandwiches?
661
00:35:24,457 --> 00:35:25,562
No, Vera.
662
00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:31,339
The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...
663
00:35:31,423 --> 00:35:34,843
and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--
664
00:35:34,926 --> 00:35:37,846
not that I'm saying I did--
665
00:35:37,930 --> 00:35:41,350
is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...
666
00:35:41,434 --> 00:35:47,315
for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.
667
00:35:47,398 --> 00:35:49,109
What is it?
668
00:35:49,192 --> 00:35:52,153
I had sex
with one of my patients.
669
00:35:52,237 --> 00:35:53,822
Excuse me?
670
00:35:57,159 --> 00:36:01,080
I--I had sex with a patient.
671
00:36:01,122 --> 00:36:03,082
I'm sorry?
672
00:36:04,667 --> 00:36:07,295
I had sex with a patient!
673
00:36:07,378 --> 00:36:09,756
You had sex
with one of your patients?
674
00:36:26,462 --> 00:36:27,775
- Dr. Maitlin ?
675
00:36:28,026 --> 00:36:29,861
Phone call for you, sir.
675.5
00:36:36,055 --> 00:36:38,203
Hello.
- Hi, George, it's Harvey.
676
00:36:38,370 --> 00:36:40,623
What do you want?
- We have to talk.
677
00:36:40,706 --> 00:36:43,668
This isn't a good time.
What is it?
678
00:36:44,752 --> 00:36:46,462
What's a Baird?
679
00:36:46,504 --> 00:36:48,089
Lawrence Baird,
the guy from Chicago...
680
00:36:48,173 --> 00:36:50,383
who's taking over for you.
He's being tough.
681
00:36:50,467 --> 00:36:51,676
He wants 200,000 up-front.
682
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,638
I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.
683
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,017
George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.
684
00:36:58,100 --> 00:36:59,852
You want me to shut down
your practice?
685
00:36:59,935 --> 00:37:02,438
You want your radio patients
tuning to another station?
686
00:37:02,522 --> 00:37:04,816
Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.
687
00:37:04,899 --> 00:37:06,985
Get a receipt.
688
00:37:07,110 --> 00:37:11,072
These are the sales offices.
Hi, Charlie.
689
00:37:11,114 --> 00:37:12,324
I'm back.
690
00:37:12,366 --> 00:37:13,951
Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--
691
00:37:14,034 --> 00:37:15,661
some kind of
a road-company Dr. Ruth?
692
00:37:15,703 --> 00:37:16,829
You'll see.
693
00:37:16,912 --> 00:37:19,915
Welcome. Nice to see you again.
694
00:37:19,999 --> 00:37:23,169
Now, had a nice lunch?
- Yeah, sure.
695
00:37:23,252 --> 00:37:25,213
Let me fill you in
with the details.
696
00:37:25,296 --> 00:37:27,048
The program runs two hours...
697
00:37:27,132 --> 00:37:28,925
and there are
twelve commercial breaks.
698
00:37:29,009 --> 00:37:30,260
Now, if you'll
sit down over here--
699
00:37:30,343 --> 00:37:32,554
Oscar, just a sec.
Excuse me for a second.
700
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,683
Gentlemen, where's my money?
701
00:37:35,766 --> 00:37:37,142
It's being transferred
from Switzerland.
702
00:37:37,226 --> 00:37:38,936
It's just gonna take
a couple of days.
703
00:37:39,019 --> 00:37:40,730
Forty-eight hours, then?
- Great.
704
00:37:40,813 --> 00:37:43,024
Well, I'm going to need
some walking-around money.
705
00:37:43,066 --> 00:37:45,318
We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...
706
00:37:45,401 --> 00:37:46,861
what, a couple hundred
to the hotel ?
707
00:37:46,945 --> 00:37:50,907
I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.
708
00:37:50,949 --> 00:37:52,743
Just to walk around?
709
00:37:52,826 --> 00:37:55,829
Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...
710
00:37:55,913 --> 00:37:59,709
something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!
711
00:37:59,750 --> 00:38:01,377
And if that happens,
I will not be able to help...
712
00:38:01,419 --> 00:38:03,421
all those troubled people
out there in radioland.
713
00:38:03,463 --> 00:38:06,716
So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.
714
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,593
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
715
00:38:08,677 --> 00:38:10,137
And now from
the Palm Garden room...
716
00:38:10,220 --> 00:38:12,097
high atop
the Knickerbocker Hotel...
717
00:38:12,180 --> 00:38:15,142
it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.
718
00:38:15,225 --> 00:38:18,604
The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
719
00:38:18,688 --> 00:38:20,273
Tonight on "MacGyver."
720
00:38:20,356 --> 00:38:22,108
Now, what does
all this stuff do?
721
00:38:22,191 --> 00:38:24,903
Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.
722
00:38:24,986 --> 00:38:26,780
You're on a seven-second delay.
723
00:38:26,863 --> 00:38:28,448
Anyone gets too vulgar
or intimate...
724
00:38:28,532 --> 00:38:30,575
you press the button,
and it cuts them off the air.
725
00:38:30,659 --> 00:38:31,785
These are neat.
726
00:38:31,869 --> 00:38:33,787
They're just
special-effects buttons.
727
00:38:33,871 --> 00:38:36,123
Now, you've got
three commercials to read...
728
00:38:36,207 --> 00:38:38,960
and they're numbered here,
and they're laid out for you.
729
00:38:39,043 --> 00:38:40,962
When she goes like this...
730
00:38:41,045 --> 00:38:43,047
that means
the commercial break...
731
00:38:43,131 --> 00:38:44,966
and that's when you read
the commercials.
732
00:38:45,049 --> 00:38:46,968
And please,
put this in your ear.
733
00:38:47,052 --> 00:38:49,763
I know you're gonna be
brilliant. I'm so excited!
734
00:38:49,846 --> 00:38:51,974
I wouldn't put it
anywhere else.
735
00:38:53,392 --> 00:38:55,394
You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.
736
00:38:55,477 --> 00:38:57,855
Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
737
00:38:57,938 --> 00:38:59,607
the program that invites you...
738
00:38:59,690 --> 00:39:01,609
the radio audience,
to phone in...
739
00:39:01,693 --> 00:39:04,279
and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.
740
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,324
Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...
741
00:39:07,365 --> 00:39:09,785
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
742
00:39:13,664 --> 00:39:15,541
Hi, everybody.
743
00:39:15,624 --> 00:39:18,502
Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.
744
00:39:18,586 --> 00:39:22,715
We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--
745
00:39:22,799 --> 00:39:25,176
Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.
746
00:39:30,599 --> 00:39:32,726
I guess Scott's
not quite ready...
747
00:39:32,810 --> 00:39:34,979
to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...
748
00:39:35,062 --> 00:39:37,481
a couple of minutes
and he'll collect his thoughts.
749
00:39:37,523 --> 00:39:40,568
Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--
750
00:39:40,652 --> 00:39:42,612
Ida. Hello, lda.
You're on the air.
751
00:39:42,695 --> 00:39:44,781
- Hello?
752
00:39:44,864 --> 00:39:46,867
Hi there, lda.
What's your problem?
753
00:39:46,950 --> 00:39:50,454
- Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.
754
00:39:50,537 --> 00:39:52,498
Then why are you calling?
755
00:39:52,539 --> 00:39:55,334
- Recently,
I met an old school friend.
756
00:39:55,418 --> 00:39:58,629
Let me ask you something.
How old are you?
757
00:39:58,713 --> 00:40:02,842
- Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--
758
00:40:02,926 --> 00:40:05,220
- Just a minute.
759
00:40:05,303 --> 00:40:07,931
- Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.
760
00:40:08,015 --> 00:40:11,101
What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?
761
00:40:11,185 --> 00:40:12,645
- My daughter.
OK, got it.
762
00:40:12,728 --> 00:40:15,147
- I got the door closed.
Good.
763
00:40:15,231 --> 00:40:19,652
- And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.
764
00:40:19,736 --> 00:40:22,864
- I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.
765
00:40:22,947 --> 00:40:27,202
- And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...
766
00:40:27,244 --> 00:40:30,456
- and he wants
to have lunch with me.
767
00:40:30,539 --> 00:40:31,999
That's great. Sounds like fun.
768
00:40:32,082 --> 00:40:34,919
- I said no, naturally,
of course not.
769
00:40:35,002 --> 00:40:39,716
- But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.
770
00:40:39,757 --> 00:40:43,553
You married, lda?
- Very happily, and so is he.
771
00:40:43,595 --> 00:40:46,139
- It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
772
00:40:46,223 --> 00:40:49,435
- Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...
773
00:40:49,518 --> 00:40:51,979
- and I guess a little romantic.
774
00:40:52,062 --> 00:40:54,106
Now, what really
goes through your head...
775
00:40:54,190 --> 00:40:55,816
when you think about
having lunch with this man?
776
00:40:55,900 --> 00:40:57,110
Just off the top?
777
00:40:57,193 --> 00:41:00,196
- A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...
778
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:01,573
- glasses of wine.
779
00:41:01,656 --> 00:41:04,284
Now, come on. What are you
really thinking about?
780
00:41:04,367 --> 00:41:07,454
- I guess it's
a lot of flattery, too.
781
00:41:07,538 --> 00:41:08,747
Come on.
782
00:41:08,789 --> 00:41:11,417
You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?
783
00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:12,710
- What?
784
00:41:12,793 --> 00:41:14,378
Maybe he throws you on
the table, spills the wine...
785
00:41:14,462 --> 00:41:16,798
knocks over the flowers,
and you do it right there?
786
00:41:16,881 --> 00:41:19,759
- lt would ruin my marriage.
Right, but what do you care?
787
00:41:19,801 --> 00:41:21,428
Some hot sex in the afternoon.
788
00:41:21,469 --> 00:41:23,346
When was the last time
you had it? It'd be worth it.
789
00:41:23,430 --> 00:41:24,806
- Absolutely not.
I love my husband.
790
00:41:24,890 --> 00:41:27,851
- I want my marriage.
I was just talking about lunch.
791
00:41:27,935 --> 00:41:30,271
Bullshit! You were not
talking about lunch.
792
00:41:30,312 --> 00:41:32,148
You're talking about hot...
793
00:41:32,231 --> 00:41:34,191
sweaty bodies
in a steaming, humping mass.
794
00:41:34,275 --> 00:41:36,194
- Well, l--you see, l--
795
00:41:36,277 --> 00:41:38,863
Look, the point is,
it's OK to fantasize.
796
00:41:38,947 --> 00:41:40,907
But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...
797
00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:43,118
these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...
798
00:41:43,201 --> 00:41:45,203
and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?
799
00:41:45,287 --> 00:41:48,457
- Yes, Doctor. Thank you.
800
00:41:48,499 --> 00:41:52,128
We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
801
00:41:52,169 --> 00:41:54,297
and we're going to take a break
for a commercial now.
802
00:41:54,380 --> 00:41:56,340
"A public service message
from the National...
803
00:41:56,424 --> 00:41:59,427
"Hang Gliding Club President's
Memorial Foundation.
804
00:41:59,511 --> 00:42:01,471
"Hang gliding is a fun sport...
805
00:42:01,513 --> 00:42:02,973
"but sometimes
accidents happen.
806
00:42:03,014 --> 00:42:04,349
"lf you have a loved one...
807
00:42:04,433 --> 00:42:06,226
"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...
808
00:42:06,310 --> 00:42:07,728
"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...
809
00:42:07,811 --> 00:42:10,356
"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...
810
00:42:10,439 --> 00:42:12,316
"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.
811
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:16,863
"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BlG-FALL."
812
00:42:20,283 --> 00:42:22,369
Everything's going swimmingly.
813
00:42:22,452 --> 00:42:23,870
Good. I'm glad you're happy.
814
00:42:23,954 --> 00:42:25,873
Teensy tadpoles of concern--
815
00:42:25,956 --> 00:42:29,126
you took an awfully long time
with your first caller...
816
00:42:29,209 --> 00:42:32,880
and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.
817
00:42:32,964 --> 00:42:35,007
The references
to penises and vaginas...
818
00:42:35,091 --> 00:42:37,385
should be toned down
just a smidge.
819
00:42:37,468 --> 00:42:39,387
So I should use
alternative terms like...
820
00:42:39,471 --> 00:42:41,431
dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...
821
00:42:41,515 --> 00:42:43,100
Iove sausage, and bearded clam?
822
00:42:43,183 --> 00:42:48,689
I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...
823
00:42:48,772 --> 00:42:52,526
and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.
824
00:42:52,568 --> 00:42:54,320
Now do you know what I mean?
825
00:42:54,404 --> 00:42:58,032
I guess so. I'm sorry.
826
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:02,621
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
827
00:43:02,704 --> 00:43:05,457
The phone lines are jammed.
828
00:43:05,541 --> 00:43:09,462
Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.
829
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:12,715
- So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.
830
00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:14,801
What is this jerk's name?
831
00:43:14,884 --> 00:43:16,427
- I don't want any trouble.
832
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:17,679
Here's what you do.
833
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:19,598
Next time that asshole
comes on to you...
834
00:43:19,681 --> 00:43:21,892
you grab the son of a bitch
by the balls...
835
00:43:21,933 --> 00:43:24,228
and give them a good yank.
If that doesn't fix...
836
00:43:24,269 --> 00:43:26,939
his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...
837
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,484
and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.
838
00:43:30,568 --> 00:43:32,570
Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.
839
00:43:32,653 --> 00:43:35,907
Did Baird just say "fuck"?
- I think so.
840
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:38,410
You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.
841
00:43:38,451 --> 00:43:40,162
Apparently Baird can.
842
00:43:40,245 --> 00:43:42,623
He said "balls," "asshole"...
843
00:43:42,706 --> 00:43:44,333
"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."
844
00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:47,169
We're OK on "balls."
We're iffy on "son of a bitch."
845
00:43:47,253 --> 00:43:48,629
And even "asshole"
is somewhat...
846
00:43:48,712 --> 00:43:50,589
anatomically
potentially forgivable...
847
00:43:50,673 --> 00:43:53,342
But there's
no getting around "fuck."
848
00:43:54,594 --> 00:43:56,012
How many negative calls?
849
00:43:56,095 --> 00:43:58,974
None of them.
They all want to talk to Baird.
850
00:44:00,851 --> 00:44:03,187
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
851
00:44:03,270 --> 00:44:04,897
We have Yuri from Encino.
Go ahead, Yuri.
852
00:44:04,980 --> 00:44:08,317
Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.
853
00:44:08,401 --> 00:44:10,987
What business are you in?
- I mean the other ones.
854
00:44:11,070 --> 00:44:12,530
You mean sexual partners.
855
00:44:12,613 --> 00:44:14,866
I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and l--
856
00:44:18,411 --> 00:44:21,164
It sounds to me, sitting here
several miles away...
857
00:44:21,248 --> 00:44:23,375
that you have a case
of premature ejaculation--
858
00:44:23,459 --> 00:44:25,419
and a pretty severe one at that.
The first thing I'd suggest...
859
00:44:25,502 --> 00:44:26,837
is not to feel
too bad about it.
860
00:44:26,921 --> 00:44:29,006
It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.
861
00:44:29,090 --> 00:44:31,175
- But mine's been going on
twenty-five years.
862
00:44:31,259 --> 00:44:33,761
- I can't look at a woman.
I can't even think about sex.
863
00:44:39,142 --> 00:44:40,894
- Doctor, it just happened again.
864
00:44:40,978 --> 00:44:43,897
Just calm down now and relax.
865
00:44:43,981 --> 00:44:46,942
Let's try something here.
Think about something...
866
00:44:47,026 --> 00:44:49,195
that could not possibly
arouse you.
867
00:44:49,278 --> 00:44:51,781
For instance...
868
00:44:51,864 --> 00:44:55,285
fixing the transmission
in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.
869
00:44:55,368 --> 00:44:56,703
That's what always
works for me.
870
00:44:56,786 --> 00:44:59,664
I like to mentally
put on my overalls...
871
00:44:59,706 --> 00:45:01,416
take my mechanic's palette...
872
00:45:01,500 --> 00:45:04,586
slide along the floor
under the drive shaft...
873
00:45:04,670 --> 00:45:09,509
pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...
874
00:45:09,550 --> 00:45:11,844
and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.
875
00:45:11,928 --> 00:45:14,764
Then get to the bell housing
and take out your ratchet...
876
00:45:14,848 --> 00:45:17,350
unscrew all the bolts...
877
00:45:17,434 --> 00:45:20,687
and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.
878
00:45:20,729 --> 00:45:23,023
And there
you can feel for splines...
879
00:45:23,065 --> 00:45:25,818
and spread the planetary gears.
880
00:45:27,111 --> 00:45:29,864
You are getting
sexually excited...
881
00:45:29,947 --> 00:45:33,201
as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.
882
00:45:33,284 --> 00:45:35,370
I think you'd better
come down to my office.
883
00:45:35,453 --> 00:45:37,038
I couldn't afford it, Doctor.
884
00:45:37,122 --> 00:45:38,874
If you need to talk,
just come on down...
885
00:45:38,957 --> 00:45:40,292
and we'll talk.
There's no charge.
886
00:45:40,375 --> 00:45:41,835
Really? What's your address?
887
00:45:41,919 --> 00:45:44,213
I just got into town,
and I'm working...
888
00:45:44,296 --> 00:45:45,840
out of the offices
of Dr. George Maitlin...
889
00:45:45,923 --> 00:45:47,883
in Beverly Hills. Come down
and see me. We'll talk.
890
00:45:47,925 --> 00:45:50,595
No charge whatsoever.
Thank you.
891
00:45:50,678 --> 00:45:52,555
I've got everybody
in my control booth here...
892
00:45:52,639 --> 00:45:55,600
signaling me like crazy
for a commercial.
893
00:45:55,684 --> 00:45:57,561
They've got these funny...
894
00:45:57,644 --> 00:45:59,354
desperate looks
on their faces...
895
00:45:59,438 --> 00:46:00,898
Iike it'd be
the end of the world...
896
00:46:00,981 --> 00:46:03,525
if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.
897
00:46:03,609 --> 00:46:05,403
But your problems
are more important.
898
00:46:05,486 --> 00:46:07,280
And if you're like Yuri,
you cannot afford therapy...
899
00:46:07,363 --> 00:46:09,323
come on down and see me
at the offices...
900
00:46:09,407 --> 00:46:10,950
of George Maitlin
in Beverly Hills.
901
00:46:11,034 --> 00:46:12,994
Otherwise,
keep those calls coming...
902
00:46:13,078 --> 00:46:14,788
until they drag me off,
pull the plug...
903
00:46:14,871 --> 00:46:16,373
or everybody in L.A. is cured!
904
00:46:16,498 --> 00:46:18,625
- How was l?
You were fine.
905
00:46:18,709 --> 00:46:22,504
- I wasn't any better than fine?
You were better than fine.
906
00:46:22,588 --> 00:46:24,840
By the way, here's a message...
907
00:46:24,924 --> 00:46:27,134
from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.
908
00:46:27,218 --> 00:46:29,178
He's a friend of yours
from this morning...
909
00:46:29,262 --> 00:46:30,930
and he knows
where you got your pants.
910
00:46:32,599 --> 00:46:36,061
See? I told you those pants
would be all the rage someday.
911
00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,235
Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...
912
00:46:43,319 --> 00:46:45,363
in and out of here
every couple of weeks.
913
00:46:45,446 --> 00:46:47,532
He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...
914
00:46:47,615 --> 00:46:49,200
not here, not on the streets.
915
00:46:49,283 --> 00:46:51,202
So, in other words,
society rotates him.
916
00:46:51,286 --> 00:46:52,746
Dr. Smet, you ever
look around this place...
917
00:46:52,829 --> 00:46:53,955
at these patients and think...
918
00:46:54,039 --> 00:46:56,083
there but
for the grace of God, go l?
919
00:46:56,166 --> 00:46:58,710
We're supposed to study
emotions, not have them.
920
00:46:58,794 --> 00:47:00,379
Spoken like a true healer.
921
00:47:00,462 --> 00:47:03,758
Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?
922
00:47:03,841 --> 00:47:06,719
He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.
923
00:47:06,802 --> 00:47:08,721
Is this the kind of place
where if anything moves...
924
00:47:08,805 --> 00:47:10,974
you whack it with a thousand
mikes of chlortianazine.
925
00:47:11,057 --> 00:47:12,308
My, didn't we get out...
926
00:47:12,350 --> 00:47:14,311
on the wrong side
of the couch this morning?
927
00:47:14,352 --> 00:47:16,647
Here, sign all five copies.
928
00:47:16,730 --> 00:47:19,233
Dr. Baird
has generously given...
929
00:47:19,316 --> 00:47:21,777
his personal guarantee
for Donald Becker.
930
00:47:21,861 --> 00:47:23,446
He'll be released
with his usual...
931
00:47:23,529 --> 00:47:25,698
seven-day maintenance
prescription.
932
00:47:25,781 --> 00:47:28,284
It'll make it much easier
to handle that way.
933
00:47:40,965 --> 00:47:42,508
Thanks.
934
00:47:42,591 --> 00:47:45,511
I got you into this.
Now I'll get you out.
935
00:47:45,595 --> 00:47:49,390
Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.
936
00:47:49,474 --> 00:47:52,352
Wait a minute. Where you going?
937
00:47:52,394 --> 00:47:54,104
Mr. Becker,
out there is life's highway.
938
00:47:54,187 --> 00:47:56,690
The farthest journey begins
with a single step...
939
00:47:56,773 --> 00:47:59,276
and I want you as far away
from me as possible.
940
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,529
Fifty bucks
isn't gonna buy me off.
941
00:48:01,612 --> 00:48:04,657
What I know
is worth a lot more than that.
942
00:48:04,740 --> 00:48:06,075
What do you know?
943
00:48:06,159 --> 00:48:08,244
Those pants you were wearing.
944
00:48:08,328 --> 00:48:11,081
Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and lllinois.
945
00:48:11,164 --> 00:48:13,375
I had a friend
who was buried in them.
946
00:48:15,669 --> 00:48:17,504
I knew it, even though...
947
00:48:17,588 --> 00:48:19,048
the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...
948
00:48:19,131 --> 00:48:20,925
swore they were one of a kind.
949
00:48:22,134 --> 00:48:23,678
I don't know.
950
00:48:23,761 --> 00:48:27,390
There's an air about you--
a certain look.
951
00:48:28,892 --> 00:48:31,436
You don't seem like
a doctor to me.
952
00:48:31,519 --> 00:48:33,730
You look like
a malcontent misfit...
953
00:48:33,772 --> 00:48:36,191
who skirted around
society's edges...
954
00:48:36,275 --> 00:48:39,194
and never done shit.
Takes one to know one.
955
00:48:39,278 --> 00:48:41,864
So either you share
the wealth with me...
956
00:48:41,947 --> 00:48:44,450
or you share the cell with me.
957
00:48:48,913 --> 00:48:50,999
You know, I could get used
to a place like this.
958
00:48:51,082 --> 00:48:54,836
Could really,
really mellow out.
959
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,338
Before you get too mellow...
960
00:48:56,421 --> 00:48:57,548
give me the rest
of those drugs.
961
00:48:57,631 --> 00:48:58,924
What are you--
962
00:48:58,966 --> 00:49:02,595
That's my--my pills,
my maintenance dose.
963
00:49:04,222 --> 00:49:05,848
Hope they got cable.
964
00:49:05,932 --> 00:49:08,935
I won't be able to watch
regular TV without drugs.
965
00:49:11,605 --> 00:49:14,274
- Yes, that's a one-way ticket
to Mexico City.
966
00:49:14,358 --> 00:49:16,068
Let me ask you something.
967
00:49:16,151 --> 00:49:19,363
Is there anything more
expensive than first class?
968
00:49:19,446 --> 00:49:21,365
Too bad.
969
00:49:21,449 --> 00:49:23,910
No, leave the departure open.
970
00:49:23,993 --> 00:49:26,162
A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?
971
00:49:26,246 --> 00:49:29,332
I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.
972
00:49:42,722 --> 00:49:44,307
What's all this stuff about?
973
00:49:44,390 --> 00:49:47,143
You ever heard
of the Klephthes?
974
00:49:47,227 --> 00:49:49,980
What?
- They were my ancestors.
975
00:49:50,063 --> 00:49:52,566
That hardy band
of Greek patriots...
976
00:49:52,649 --> 00:49:55,611
who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.
977
00:49:55,694 --> 00:49:57,154
They were known
as the Klephthes...
978
00:49:57,238 --> 00:49:58,489
hence, kleptomaniacs.
979
00:49:58,531 --> 00:50:01,492
Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.
980
00:50:01,534 --> 00:50:03,995
You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.
981
00:50:04,037 --> 00:50:07,207
They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.
982
00:50:17,134 --> 00:50:20,554
Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.
983
00:50:20,638 --> 00:50:22,682
"A," because
you're in my custody...
984
00:50:22,765 --> 00:50:25,018
"B," I don't trust you,
and "C," the maids refuse...
985
00:50:25,059 --> 00:50:26,770
to clean the room
with you in it.
986
00:50:31,525 --> 00:50:34,361
Are you sure
that this is your office?
987
00:50:35,863 --> 00:50:38,949
- ls that him?
What's going on here, Officer?
988
00:50:39,033 --> 00:50:42,453
Some shrink named Baird offered
free therapy on the radio...
989
00:50:42,537 --> 00:50:43,997
and all these people showed up.
990
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:46,916
This is a bad dream,
and you're late for Mrs. Guber.
991
00:50:46,1000 --> 00:50:48,418
And what is he doing here?
992
00:50:48,501 --> 00:50:50,212
I'm here because I'm
desperately in love with you.
993
00:50:50,253 --> 00:50:52,714
I have been from the moment
we met at the airport.
994
00:50:52,756 --> 00:50:54,925
I could tell I aroused
an emotion in you.
995
00:50:55,009 --> 00:50:57,553
I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.
996
00:50:57,636 --> 00:50:59,096
- Becker.
Will you marry me?
997
00:50:59,180 --> 00:51:02,183
Cease and desist.
Give me five minutes.
998
00:51:02,350 --> 00:51:04,227
Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...
999
00:51:04,269 --> 00:51:05,854
we're going to have
to reschedule today.
1000
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:08,023
Reschedule? Doctor, please.
1001
00:51:08,106 --> 00:51:10,067
This can't wait.
I need your help now!
1002
00:51:10,108 --> 00:51:12,277
I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...
1003
00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:13,487
and she's winning.
1004
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:17,283
Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
- You're the idea man.
1005
00:51:17,366 --> 00:51:19,493
Doctor,
forget about those freebies.
1006
00:51:19,577 --> 00:51:21,287
What about me and Maria?
1007
00:51:21,371 --> 00:51:23,289
We want Baird!
1008
00:51:23,373 --> 00:51:25,083
History teaches us,
among other things...
1009
00:51:25,125 --> 00:51:27,919
that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.
1010
00:51:27,961 --> 00:51:30,172
Now, did you have
any religious differences...
1011
00:51:30,255 --> 00:51:31,381
with your maid?
1012
00:51:31,465 --> 00:51:34,385
No. We ironed those out years ago.
- Anybody have a pen?
1013
00:51:35,761 --> 00:51:37,430
Thank you.
1014
00:51:37,513 --> 00:51:39,765
Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?
1015
00:51:39,849 --> 00:51:42,226
I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.
1016
00:51:42,310 --> 00:51:43,436
What's that?
1017
00:51:43,478 --> 00:51:45,397
I'd take them all
to a ball game.
1018
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:46,606
Thank you very much,
patients...
1019
00:51:46,648 --> 00:51:48,400
for coming to
our free therapy session today.
1020
00:51:48,483 --> 00:51:50,444
As announced on the radio,
all therapy and treatment...
1021
00:51:50,527 --> 00:51:51,779
today is absolutely free.
1022
00:51:51,862 --> 00:51:53,322
The buses
have been categorized...
1023
00:51:53,405 --> 00:51:55,282
as to particular condition
and ailment.
1024
00:51:55,324 --> 00:51:56,909
All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...
1025
00:51:56,993 --> 00:51:59,412
on bus number one. Penis envy?
1026
00:52:00,830 --> 00:52:02,790
Come on, now. Penis envy?
1027
00:52:02,874 --> 00:52:04,751
Girls, come on. We're
all in this together. Come on.
1028
00:52:04,834 --> 00:52:07,295
Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.
1029
00:52:07,337 --> 00:52:09,464
Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.
1030
00:52:09,548 --> 00:52:12,801
Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.
1031
00:52:12,843 --> 00:52:14,220
Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...
1032
00:52:14,303 --> 00:52:16,138
and retrograde ejaculators
on board, please.
1033
00:52:17,431 --> 00:52:21,144
Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.
1034
00:52:21,185 --> 00:52:23,480
Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.
1035
00:52:23,563 --> 00:52:24,856
Thank you very much.
Bus number five...
1036
00:52:24,940 --> 00:52:27,776
all other forms of
obsessive-compulsive behavior.
1037
00:52:27,859 --> 00:52:31,155
And bus number six,
schizophrenics.
1038
00:52:31,196 --> 00:52:32,406
Actually, schizophrenics...
1039
00:52:32,489 --> 00:52:34,158
you get to choose
between one and six...
1040
00:52:34,241 --> 00:52:35,993
and bus number six,
all others, please.
1041
00:52:36,035 --> 00:52:37,662
All right, Doctor.
We're all set.
1042
00:52:37,745 --> 00:52:39,288
We're playing New York
at one o'clock.
1043
00:52:39,372 --> 00:52:41,499
I got you
280 bleacher section seats...
1044
00:52:41,541 --> 00:52:43,293
and the buses are prepaid...
1045
00:52:43,376 --> 00:52:44,836
and here's the microphone
you asked for.
1046
00:52:44,878 --> 00:52:48,465
Great job.
Why don't you join us?
1047
00:52:48,548 --> 00:52:49,842
No, thank you.
1048
00:52:49,925 --> 00:52:52,261
Come on. I got a section
reserved here on the special...
1049
00:52:52,344 --> 00:52:54,972
just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.
1050
00:52:55,056 --> 00:52:57,183
Brown-nose!
1051
00:52:57,225 --> 00:52:59,560
Relax.
Take a load off those knees.
1052
00:53:02,689 --> 00:53:06,526
All abo-o-o-oard!
1053
00:53:06,610 --> 00:53:08,278
Guy goes to a shrink.
1054
00:53:08,362 --> 00:53:10,322
Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.
1055
00:53:10,406 --> 00:53:11,949
"Night before,
I dreamt I was a tepee.
1056
00:53:12,032 --> 00:53:13,701
"What's it all mean?"
Shrink says...
1057
00:53:13,784 --> 00:53:16,537
"It's very simple.
It means you're two tents."
1058
00:53:16,579 --> 00:53:18,081
Get it? Tense!
1059
00:53:18,164 --> 00:53:20,542
You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.
1060
00:53:20,625 --> 00:53:24,880
He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.
1061
00:53:24,921 --> 00:53:26,214
We'll try to work through
your problems here today...
1062
00:53:26,298 --> 00:53:28,509
and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.
1063
00:53:28,592 --> 00:53:30,719
Who's first?
1064
00:53:30,803 --> 00:53:32,680
Here's a lady. All right.
Where are you from?
1065
00:53:32,763 --> 00:53:35,224
Susan, from Hollywood.
1066
00:53:35,266 --> 00:53:37,477
From Hollywood.
What's your dream?
1067
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:41,231
I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...
1068
00:53:41,272 --> 00:53:43,692
wearing nothing but high heels.
1069
00:53:43,775 --> 00:53:45,736
And you were embarrassed?
1070
00:53:45,819 --> 00:53:48,405
The Russians and tanks
went right by me...
1071
00:53:48,489 --> 00:53:50,407
and the Afghan rebels
ignored me.
1072
00:53:50,491 --> 00:53:52,827
But when I got
to the Pakistani border...
1073
00:53:52,910 --> 00:53:54,829
there was
a giant shopping mall...
1074
00:53:54,912 --> 00:53:56,497
called the Karachi Galleria.
1075
00:53:56,581 --> 00:53:58,333
But the parking lot
was empty...
1076
00:53:58,416 --> 00:54:01,628
except for millions of lizards
wearing dark glasses...
1077
00:54:01,711 --> 00:54:04,256
and one of them
looked like Barbara Walters.
1078
00:54:04,339 --> 00:54:06,925
They were eating
tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...
1079
00:54:07,009 --> 00:54:09,094
ice cream cones being served...
1080
00:54:09,178 --> 00:54:11,639
by a guy
I went to high school with.
1081
00:54:11,722 --> 00:54:14,767
I went inside the mall
to the food fair...
1082
00:54:14,850 --> 00:54:16,894
where the smell
of caramel popcorn...
1083
00:54:16,978 --> 00:54:19,439
and cleaning fluid
so overwhelmed me...
1084
00:54:19,481 --> 00:54:21,483
that I noticed my nakedness...
1085
00:54:21,566 --> 00:54:25,278
Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.
1086
00:54:25,362 --> 00:54:28,782
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
1087
00:54:28,866 --> 00:54:33,621
You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.
1088
00:54:33,704 --> 00:54:38,835
All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.
1089
00:54:40,378 --> 00:54:42,839
Sometimes the truth is icky.
1090
00:54:47,594 --> 00:54:48,804
I'm Dan Peterson,
head of promotion.
1091
00:54:48,887 --> 00:54:51,515
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing here.
1092
00:54:51,599 --> 00:54:53,601
Thanks for giving us the seats.
1093
00:54:53,643 --> 00:54:55,061
If there's anything else
I can get for you...
1094
00:54:55,144 --> 00:54:56,688
please, don't hesitate to ask.
1095
00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:59,149
There is one thing...
1096
00:54:59,190 --> 00:55:01,151
that I've always wanted
to do at a ball game...
1097
00:55:01,234 --> 00:55:03,278
but--no. Forget it.
1098
00:55:03,361 --> 00:55:05,614
Your wish is our command.
- I can't.
1099
00:55:05,656 --> 00:55:07,533
Sure you can.
- I can?
1100
00:55:07,616 --> 00:55:13,789
The bombs bursting in air
1101
00:55:13,873 --> 00:55:17,460
Gave us proof through the night
1102
00:55:17,544 --> 00:55:19,504
He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...
1103
00:55:19,587 --> 00:55:22,174
and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.
1104
00:55:22,257 --> 00:55:24,843
This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.
1105
00:55:24,927 --> 00:55:27,471
What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...
1106
00:55:27,554 --> 00:55:30,307
executive producer Perry Kovin?
1107
00:55:30,391 --> 00:55:34,270
And the home of the brave
1108
00:55:36,230 --> 00:55:45,491
Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.
1109
00:55:45,574 --> 00:55:51,747
Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.
1110
00:55:56,753 --> 00:55:58,213
Thank you.
1111
00:56:03,927 --> 00:56:06,263
Hot dog?
- Thank you, Doctor.
1112
00:56:06,347 --> 00:56:08,849
Hot dog?
- I hate hot dogs.
1113
00:56:11,227 --> 00:56:14,647
Getting cured?
- Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.
1114
00:56:14,731 --> 00:56:17,317
All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...
1115
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:19,569
with my therapeutic ministry.
1116
00:56:19,653 --> 00:56:22,948
Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!
1117
00:56:23,031 --> 00:56:24,950
Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!
1118
00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:27,745
Have two or three!
It's all right!
1119
00:56:27,786 --> 00:56:31,165
How are you doing? Very good.
Enjoying the game?
1120
00:56:31,249 --> 00:56:32,875
What other sports do you like?
1121
00:56:35,753 --> 00:56:37,464
Fabulous, wasn't it?
1122
00:56:37,547 --> 00:56:39,591
Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.
1123
00:56:39,674 --> 00:56:42,052
I am the first to deal
with mass transit.
1124
00:57:02,824 --> 00:57:06,662
You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...
1125
00:57:06,745 --> 00:57:09,290
and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.
1126
00:57:16,673 --> 00:57:19,634
Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...
1127
00:57:19,676 --> 00:57:21,720
and therapy time
here in the Southland.
1128
00:57:21,803 --> 00:57:23,096
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1129
00:57:23,180 --> 00:57:24,640
When was the last time
you saw ratings...
1130
00:57:24,723 --> 00:57:26,267
go up like this in two days?
1131
00:57:26,350 --> 00:57:28,310
He's got something, doesn't he?
1132
00:57:28,352 --> 00:57:30,980
He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.
1133
00:57:31,063 --> 00:57:32,982
You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?
1134
00:57:33,066 --> 00:57:34,359
Absolutely.
1135
00:57:34,442 --> 00:57:37,153
If anyone wants a doughnut
without jelly, they're ready.
1136
00:57:37,237 --> 00:57:38,780
...and recording them
in a diary...
1137
00:57:38,864 --> 00:57:41,825
to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.
1138
00:57:41,867 --> 00:57:44,286
All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...
1139
00:57:44,370 --> 00:57:45,996
and certainly the first
we've had on the show.
1140
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:47,498
I think that immediately
you should seek...
1141
00:57:47,581 --> 00:57:48,833
professional help
and counseling...
1142
00:57:48,916 --> 00:57:50,501
because using an electric
drill on the human skull...
1143
00:57:50,585 --> 00:57:52,837
is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.
1144
00:57:52,921 --> 00:57:55,590
Next call.
From Torrance, California...
1145
00:57:55,674 --> 00:57:57,384
we have Lucille on the line.
1146
00:57:57,467 --> 00:57:59,344
You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1147
00:57:59,386 --> 00:58:02,264
- What can I do? My husband,
he's the worst slob.
1148
00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:03,766
- Anything I cook,
no matter what it is...
1149
00:58:03,849 --> 00:58:05,601
- the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...
1150
00:58:05,684 --> 00:58:06,936
"or did we eat it?"
1151
00:58:07,019 --> 00:58:09,438
Then what does he do?
- Then what what?
1152
00:58:09,522 --> 00:58:12,150
What does he do?
- He laughs.
1153
00:58:12,233 --> 00:58:14,778
He laughs?
- He learned it in the army.
1154
00:58:14,861 --> 00:58:16,363
- "Do we eat it,
or did we eat it?"
1155
00:58:16,446 --> 00:58:17,864
- I'm ready to bury an ax
in his head, Doctor...
1156
00:58:17,948 --> 00:58:19,741
- and I'm thinking
of buying a gun.
1157
00:58:19,825 --> 00:58:21,785
- I have rat poison
in the house already.
1158
00:58:21,869 --> 00:58:23,329
I know how you feel, Lucille.
1159
00:58:23,412 --> 00:58:25,414
- I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...
1160
00:58:25,498 --> 00:58:27,375
- until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.
1161
00:58:27,416 --> 00:58:29,168
- I mean, I want the guy dead.
1162
00:58:29,252 --> 00:58:30,753
In these circumstances...
1163
00:58:30,837 --> 00:58:32,130
I think you have to start
by centering yourself.
1164
00:58:32,213 --> 00:58:33,631
- I'm not going to center myself.
1165
00:58:33,715 --> 00:58:35,133
- Why do I always have
to center myself?
1166
00:58:35,216 --> 00:58:37,177
You got to calm down.
You got any T.M. experience?
1167
00:58:37,260 --> 00:58:38,804
- Let him center himself
right in the cemetery.
1168
00:58:38,887 --> 00:58:41,807
Just start by--
close your eyes--
1169
00:58:41,890 --> 00:58:44,435
Hey, lady, zip it up!
1170
00:58:44,518 --> 00:58:45,728
Now, look at your problem
this way.
1171
00:58:45,770 --> 00:58:46,896
If you knock this guy off...
1172
00:58:46,979 --> 00:58:48,523
how long is your happiness
going to last?
1173
00:58:48,606 --> 00:58:50,858
I mean, is this no-good slob
worth going to jail for?
1174
00:58:50,900 --> 00:58:52,402
- So what should I do?
1175
00:58:52,443 --> 00:58:56,114
For openers,
I'd say stop cooking for him.
1176
00:58:59,618 --> 00:59:01,161
Does it ever stop raining
in London?
1177
00:59:01,245 --> 00:59:03,122
Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.
1178
00:59:03,205 --> 00:59:04,999
What was her name?
- Whose name?
1179
00:59:05,082 --> 00:59:06,208
Here you are, Dr. Baird.
1180
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:07,627
The information packet
for your convention...
1181
00:59:07,710 --> 00:59:10,213
all the events of the 3 days.
I'll show you to your room.
1182
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:11,923
How many times
do I have to tell you...
1183
00:59:12,006 --> 00:59:13,591
she was a patient!
If I told you her name...
1184
00:59:13,675 --> 00:59:15,969
I'd be breaking the psychiatric
code of confidentiality.
1185
00:59:16,052 --> 00:59:17,554
Don't throw codes at me.
You've committed adultery...
1186
00:59:17,638 --> 00:59:20,099
and you had sex with a patient.
Now what was her goddamn name?
1187
00:59:20,140 --> 00:59:21,433
Is there no end
to this madness?
1188
00:59:21,517 --> 00:59:22,643
I can't tell you!
1189
00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:24,520
I always feel more
comfortable...
1190
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,230
if I can actually
see my luggage.
1191
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:28,024
Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.
1192
00:59:28,107 --> 00:59:29,275
I'm sure.
1193
00:59:32,862 --> 00:59:34,614
Give me her first name.
1194
00:59:35,866 --> 00:59:38,285
Then give me the first
initial of her first name.
1195
00:59:38,327 --> 00:59:39,787
This is so immature.
1196
00:59:39,870 --> 00:59:41,330
Then give me one letter
in her first name.
1197
00:59:41,413 --> 00:59:43,457
Aren't I entitled to that?
1198
00:59:43,541 --> 00:59:45,459
"E." Now drop it.
1199
00:59:45,543 --> 00:59:49,088
"E." "E" doesn't tell me
anything. I need a consonant.
1200
00:59:52,717 --> 00:59:54,302
Have you no sense of privacy?
1201
00:59:54,386 --> 00:59:55,637
Christ! You have sex
with a patient...
1202
00:59:55,721 --> 00:59:57,306
and you talk about privacy?
1203
00:59:57,389 --> 00:59:59,308
Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--
1204
00:59:59,391 --> 01:00:01,435
That's entirely up to you, sir.
1205
01:00:01,518 --> 01:00:03,604
This is worth
how much in American?
1206
01:00:03,687 --> 01:00:05,273
That's about $1.50, sir.
1207
01:00:05,314 --> 01:00:07,984
I'll have to work this out.
1208
01:00:12,864 --> 01:00:14,115
George.
- What ?
1209
01:00:14,324 --> 01:00:16,410
-I've had an affair, too.
1210
01:00:20,289 --> 01:00:22,082
That is so sad.
1211
01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:24,001
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm trained...
1212
01:00:24,043 --> 01:00:26,003
to see through
these ego defenses.
1213
01:00:26,087 --> 01:00:28,339
You're hurt,
and you're striking back.
1214
01:00:28,381 --> 01:00:31,509
It's all right. I understand.
1215
01:00:31,593 --> 01:00:33,970
Look at me.
1216
01:00:34,012 --> 01:00:37,140
I've had an affair
for the last year and a half.
1217
01:00:43,356 --> 01:00:46,192
Who is he?
- I can't tell you.
1218
01:00:46,234 --> 01:00:49,487
Why?
- He's a friend of yours.
1219
01:00:51,740 --> 01:00:53,700
No friend of mine
would ever sleep with you...
1220
01:00:53,742 --> 01:00:55,702
because, if he did,
I would kill him.
1221
01:00:57,162 --> 01:00:59,498
Now tell me you're lying.
1222
01:01:01,375 --> 01:01:03,377
I'm lying.
1223
01:01:03,836 --> 01:01:05,838
Maitlin? Who's Maitlin?
Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.
1224
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:07,340
Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.
1225
01:01:07,382 --> 01:01:09,259
I like your loyalty.
- Maitlin's history.
1226
01:01:09,342 --> 01:01:11,177
- Histoire.
You're hot, Larry.
1227
01:01:11,219 --> 01:01:13,263
So, what do you think
of a self-help video series?
1228
01:01:13,346 --> 01:01:16,183
- A doctor diet book.
Please, shut your toilet.
1229
01:01:16,225 --> 01:01:19,937
Although he's got a point.
A shrink's diet book. Why not?
1230
01:01:20,020 --> 01:01:22,732
I got the title:
"Shrink Along With the Shrink."
1231
01:01:22,815 --> 01:01:24,233
Sensational!
1232
01:01:24,317 --> 01:01:28,154
Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.
1233
01:01:28,238 --> 01:01:29,906
You might want to--
the rose on that...
1234
01:01:29,990 --> 01:01:31,867
I don't think it's edible.
1235
01:01:31,950 --> 01:01:33,660
What did I tell you?
Has he got a mind?
1236
01:01:33,744 --> 01:01:34,953
We don't want to stop there.
1237
01:01:35,037 --> 01:01:37,206
That thing you did on the buses
was just the beginning.
1238
01:01:37,247 --> 01:01:38,540
Buses seat
eighty-four people...
1239
01:01:38,624 --> 01:01:39,875
even if you rip out
the toilets...
1240
01:01:39,959 --> 01:01:42,795
but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!
1241
01:01:42,878 --> 01:01:44,422
I figure you get the QE ll...
1242
01:01:44,505 --> 01:01:46,007
you paint a happy face
on the back...
1243
01:01:46,090 --> 01:01:48,384
950 a pop.
What could be so terrible?
1244
01:01:48,426 --> 01:01:51,888
I can see millions.
- I'll settle for my 200,000.
1245
01:01:51,972 --> 01:01:53,890
Cookie money. Cookie money!
1246
01:01:53,974 --> 01:01:56,143
So call me Famous Amos.
1247
01:01:56,226 --> 01:01:57,937
Campari and soda.
1248
01:02:01,399 --> 01:02:02,733
Now, tomorrow night...
1249
01:02:02,817 --> 01:02:04,193
Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...
1250
01:02:04,277 --> 01:02:05,862
and I want you
to accept it for him.
1251
01:02:05,945 --> 01:02:07,447
Now, don't worry. Before
you step up on the dais...
1252
01:02:07,530 --> 01:02:08,990
the money's
gonna be in your hand.
1253
01:02:09,074 --> 01:02:10,283
And afterwards...
1254
01:02:10,325 --> 01:02:12,119
I'm the toughest negotiator
in the west.
1255
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:15,122
Ask anybody. Nobody fucks
with Harvey Michaels.
1256
01:02:15,164 --> 01:02:17,207
Excuse me,
I promised the staff...
1257
01:02:17,291 --> 01:02:18,918
I'd help with the dishes
and take out the garbage.
1258
01:02:19,001 --> 01:02:20,378
Then I have to make
a phone call.
1259
01:02:26,134 --> 01:02:29,346
Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?
1260
01:02:29,429 --> 01:02:32,766
ls that the ultimate?
- You're kidding?
1261
01:02:32,849 --> 01:02:34,935
Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.
1262
01:02:35,018 --> 01:02:36,937
lsn't it great?
- Wonderful!
1263
01:02:37,021 --> 01:02:38,355
- I spent the entire weekend...
1264
01:02:38,439 --> 01:02:40,149
being pounded on
by Madame Wanda.
1265
01:02:40,232 --> 01:02:41,692
- I highly recommend it.
1266
01:02:41,776 --> 01:02:44,153
I had my initials
carved into my leg.
1267
01:02:44,195 --> 01:02:45,446
Who did it?
1268
01:02:45,488 --> 01:02:48,491
I did it myself.
1269
01:02:48,575 --> 01:02:50,994
It's nice.
- Fascinating.
1270
01:02:51,036 --> 01:02:52,496
Hef, nice to see you...
1271
01:02:52,579 --> 01:02:54,706
in somebody else's jacuzzi
for a change.
1272
01:02:58,878 --> 01:03:00,880
Good. I want
to sit down with you...
1273
01:03:00,963 --> 01:03:02,965
and carve out
some long-range objectives.
1274
01:03:03,049 --> 01:03:07,679
I'd never let you work for me.
You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.
1275
01:03:09,389 --> 01:03:11,183
And he's got integrity.
1276
01:03:11,266 --> 01:03:12,726
Why wouldn't l
just love this man?
1277
01:03:12,809 --> 01:03:15,020
You know I do. I love you.
I do. I love you.
1278
01:03:16,647 --> 01:03:17,857
I love this man!
1279
01:03:17,940 --> 01:03:21,903
He does. He does love you, Larry.
- Oh, good.
1280
01:03:21,986 --> 01:03:24,239
And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.
1281
01:03:24,322 --> 01:03:26,199
Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.
1282
01:03:26,282 --> 01:03:28,702
It's got a cellular phone,
everything.
1283
01:03:28,785 --> 01:03:30,203
These are the keys
to the motor sailor.
1284
01:03:30,287 --> 01:03:31,496
Now take them, use them.
They're yours.
1285
01:03:31,538 --> 01:03:32,664
You've been working too hard.
1286
01:03:32,748 --> 01:03:35,250
You know why I'm lending you
the car and the yacht?
1287
01:03:35,334 --> 01:03:37,336
Because I believe in you.
I believe in you.
1288
01:03:37,420 --> 01:03:39,171
I believe that you do!
1289
01:03:39,213 --> 01:03:41,841
Great!
Have a contract drawn up.
1290
01:03:41,924 --> 01:03:43,384
Contract?
- Now, don't worry.
1291
01:03:43,426 --> 01:03:44,719
It's only for seven years.
1292
01:03:44,761 --> 01:03:46,221
And remember,
a contract's like a marriage.
1293
01:03:46,304 --> 01:03:47,889
You're unhappy,
it's not working out...
1294
01:03:47,973 --> 01:03:49,349
What do we do?
1295
01:03:51,310 --> 01:03:53,729
You know what they say, boys.
1296
01:03:53,771 --> 01:03:56,565
It's unlucky to look upon
the bride before the wedding...
1297
01:03:56,649 --> 01:03:59,694
so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.
1298
01:03:59,735 --> 01:04:01,863
At the altar.
1299
01:04:01,946 --> 01:04:03,114
How about it, girls?
1300
01:04:03,197 --> 01:04:05,825
Want a demonstration
of Archimedes' principle?
1301
01:04:05,909 --> 01:04:07,577
What did he say?
1302
01:04:12,875 --> 01:04:15,252
You know, I had fun tonight.
1303
01:04:16,712 --> 01:04:18,673
I finally found
a place I fit in...
1304
01:04:18,756 --> 01:04:21,175
as well as I do the nut house--
1305
01:04:21,259 --> 01:04:22,927
Beverly Hills.
1306
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:45,452
What's wrong?
1307
01:04:45,493 --> 01:04:48,080
I have this rumbling
in my gut...
1308
01:04:48,163 --> 01:04:50,123
and these terrible chest pains.
1309
01:04:50,165 --> 01:04:52,501
You ate too much.
1310
01:04:52,584 --> 01:04:54,879
It's not gas. It's trust.
1311
01:04:54,962 --> 01:04:56,922
I'm not used
to trusting anyone.
1312
01:04:57,006 --> 01:04:59,091
It doesn't feel right.
1313
01:05:01,636 --> 01:05:03,430
I had one of the hottest...
1314
01:05:03,471 --> 01:05:06,308
Church of the Gethsemane
franchises in Texas.
1315
01:05:06,391 --> 01:05:09,561
It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...
1316
01:05:09,645 --> 01:05:12,022
pamphlets, baptisms...
1317
01:05:13,774 --> 01:05:16,777
and then she walked in.
1318
01:05:16,861 --> 01:05:18,821
You're sitting on my covers.
1319
01:05:18,863 --> 01:05:25,245
Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.
1320
01:05:25,328 --> 01:05:29,625
She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.
1321
01:05:29,666 --> 01:05:31,669
I trusted her,
did everything she told me...
1322
01:05:31,752 --> 01:05:33,254
including
burning down my church...
1323
01:05:33,337 --> 01:05:36,340
and running off with her
and the insurance money.
1324
01:05:36,424 --> 01:05:40,845
Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.
1325
01:05:40,929 --> 01:05:43,848
Nadine was gone for good.
1326
01:05:43,932 --> 01:05:46,184
But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...
1327
01:05:46,268 --> 01:05:47,519
to keep the bed going.
1328
01:05:47,602 --> 01:05:49,855
That's what I got
for trusting her...
1329
01:05:49,938 --> 01:05:52,358
over my own selfish instincts.
1330
01:05:52,441 --> 01:05:53,984
Always a mistake.
1331
01:05:55,111 --> 01:05:58,072
You see,
that's what I like about you.
1332
01:05:58,156 --> 01:05:59,782
You talk straight.
1333
01:06:01,618 --> 01:06:04,371
It's hard not to trust you.
1334
01:06:04,454 --> 01:06:05,956
You'll learn.
1335
01:06:12,379 --> 01:06:14,340
And what do we do when
your refrigerator repairman...
1336
01:06:14,382 --> 01:06:16,843
suddenly cancels
an appointment?
1337
01:06:16,884 --> 01:06:18,511
And when your daughter
borrows your new clothes?
1338
01:06:20,305 --> 01:06:22,349
And when your doctor refuses
to validate for parking?
1339
01:06:24,601 --> 01:06:26,687
The snarl is good, a little bit
more protestation...
1340
01:06:26,728 --> 01:06:28,730
and we'll tack a woof on there,
so what you'd have would be...
1341
01:06:33,611 --> 01:06:35,696
Work on it.
- Thank you, Doctor.
1342
01:06:37,073 --> 01:06:39,784
And I'll be looking forward
to our next session.
1343
01:06:39,868 --> 01:06:41,077
I will, too.
1344
01:06:52,548 --> 01:06:54,383
Neo-Pavlovian
rackoff technique...
1345
01:06:54,425 --> 01:06:56,219
for immediate stress relief.
1346
01:07:05,395 --> 01:07:08,315
I'm Dr. George Maitlin
from Los Angeles.
1347
01:07:08,399 --> 01:07:10,192
Are you registered?
1348
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:14,447
I saw your sign.
I thought I'd drop by.
1349
01:07:14,488 --> 01:07:17,325
I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...
1350
01:07:17,408 --> 01:07:20,245
The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.
1351
01:07:20,328 --> 01:07:22,789
The entire conference
carries a fee of £500...
1352
01:07:22,873 --> 01:07:24,750
which includes
the various lectures...
1353
01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:26,793
and the concept exchange
period.
1354
01:07:29,338 --> 01:07:30,756
I'll take lunch.
1355
01:07:30,798 --> 01:07:32,258
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
1356
01:07:38,348 --> 01:07:41,726
So, we're two Yanks abroad.
1357
01:07:44,187 --> 01:07:46,273
I saw you and your wife...
1358
01:07:46,356 --> 01:07:48,943
playing a word game
in the elevator.
1359
01:07:52,488 --> 01:07:54,449
Where's your practice?
1360
01:07:58,286 --> 01:07:59,996
L.A.
1361
01:08:06,420 --> 01:08:08,339
Mine's in Chicago.
1362
01:08:18,141 --> 01:08:20,518
You're here
just for the conference?
1363
01:08:20,602 --> 01:08:22,354
I'm here on sabbatical.
1364
01:08:22,396 --> 01:08:26,692
I'm...doing research
on a...new book.
1365
01:08:34,742 --> 01:08:35,952
I'm just here...
1366
01:08:36,035 --> 01:08:38,204
to get out of the grind
of Chicago for a while.
1367
01:08:38,246 --> 01:08:40,165
Are you familiar with Chicago?
1368
01:08:42,834 --> 01:08:44,878
I'm telling you,
Cicero County Hospital...
1369
01:08:44,962 --> 01:08:47,965
has got to be the most
depressing hospital...
1370
01:08:48,048 --> 01:08:49,300
in the history of medicine.
1371
01:08:49,383 --> 01:08:51,052
Did you say
"Cicero County Hospital"?
1372
01:08:52,386 --> 01:08:54,222
Are you familiar
with Dr. Baird?
1373
01:08:54,305 --> 01:08:57,350
That's me. Lawrence Baird.
Glad to meet you.
1374
01:08:57,392 --> 01:09:01,271
What do you mean, "That's me"?
- Dr. Baird. Cicero County.
1375
01:09:01,354 --> 01:09:02,689
You're not Dr. Baird.
1376
01:09:02,731 --> 01:09:04,733
Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.
1377
01:09:04,817 --> 01:09:07,862
Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...
1378
01:09:07,903 --> 01:09:10,448
better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1379
01:09:10,531 --> 01:09:11,741
What are you doing here?
1380
01:09:11,782 --> 01:09:13,785
Just what you're doing.
Eating lunch.
1381
01:09:13,868 --> 01:09:17,789
Well, what about my $200,000?
1382
01:09:19,916 --> 01:09:22,044
Here's your parking pass
for the big dinner tonight...
1383
01:09:22,085 --> 01:09:23,837
and your tux has been
delivered to the hotel.
1384
01:09:23,921 --> 01:09:25,464
Watch the phones for me?
1385
01:09:26,966 --> 01:09:29,051
Can I interest you
in some lunch?
1386
01:09:29,093 --> 01:09:31,929
I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.
1387
01:09:32,013 --> 01:09:38,562
I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.
1388
01:09:38,603 --> 01:09:41,732
Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?
1389
01:09:41,815 --> 01:09:44,568
Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...
1390
01:09:44,610 --> 01:09:46,278
I don't think
I'm going straight home...
1391
01:09:46,362 --> 01:09:48,739
after the evening's over, so...
1392
01:09:48,781 --> 01:09:51,451
Well, maybe I can
talk you into it.
1393
01:09:52,952 --> 01:09:56,164
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00 ?
1394
01:09:56,247 --> 01:09:57,916
I'll see you there.
1395
01:10:11,305 --> 01:10:12,974
ls this a joke?
- Just wait.
1396
01:10:13,057 --> 01:10:15,143
They're ringing my office
in Beverly Hills.
1397
01:10:15,226 --> 01:10:18,605
If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers,
you've got a problem.
1398
01:10:21,108 --> 01:10:22,484
I'm so glad you're here.
1399
01:10:22,526 --> 01:10:25,988
Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.
1400
01:10:26,071 --> 01:10:28,741
Yes ? Hello ? Dr. Baird's office ?
1401
01:10:28,824 --> 01:10:30,493
I have to tell you who it is.
1402
01:10:30,535 --> 01:10:31,661
Is Dr. Baird in ?
1403
01:10:31,744 --> 01:10:33,204
I'm going to kill Michaels!
1404
01:10:33,288 --> 01:10:35,498
When did you find out?
1405
01:10:35,540 --> 01:10:37,542
Just now!
- Who told you?
1406
01:10:37,626 --> 01:10:39,836
Who cares?
Some doctor from Chicago.
1407
01:10:39,878 --> 01:10:41,004
He's telling everybody!
1408
01:10:41,088 --> 01:10:42,840
I thought I was
the only one who knew!
1409
01:10:42,881 --> 01:10:44,341
You knew? How?
1410
01:10:44,383 --> 01:10:48,846
I mean, I was there.
- Where?
1411
01:10:50,014 --> 01:10:52,642
Do I have to give you
all the sordid details?
1412
01:10:52,725 --> 01:10:55,020
You can tell
Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1413
01:10:55,103 --> 01:10:56,855
that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!
1414
01:10:56,938 --> 01:10:58,190
I deserve it.
1415
01:10:58,231 --> 01:11:00,859
Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...
1416
01:11:00,943 --> 01:11:03,362
and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--
1417
01:11:03,404 --> 01:11:04,905
on his desk.
1418
01:11:04,989 --> 01:11:07,533
What, for Christ's sakes,
are you talking about?
1419
01:11:07,617 --> 01:11:10,161
Michaels. He's the one I've
been having the affair with.
1420
01:11:16,626 --> 01:11:19,713
You've been having an affair
with Harvey Michaels?
1421
01:11:20,964 --> 01:11:24,218
Isn't that what
you were talking about?
1422
01:11:28,389 --> 01:11:31,434
They say
I'm doing my radio show.
1423
01:11:40,652 --> 01:11:44,990
Thanks for watching the phones.
Any calls?
1424
01:12:01,884 --> 01:12:03,385
This what you looking for, Doc?
1425
01:12:03,427 --> 01:12:04,929
Your one-way ticket
to Mexico City?
1426
01:12:05,012 --> 01:12:06,138
That was just--
1427
01:12:06,222 --> 01:12:08,141
What happened
to partners in crime?
1428
01:12:08,224 --> 01:12:09,934
Honor among thieves?
1429
01:12:09,976 --> 01:12:12,270
You don't want to skip
south of the border with me?
1430
01:12:12,312 --> 01:12:14,064
Maybe I don't want
to team up...
1431
01:12:14,105 --> 01:12:16,483
with an asshole
with one bad hand.
1432
01:12:47,809 --> 01:12:51,438
Do you want me to pay?
- Pay him! Pay him!
1433
01:12:51,479 --> 01:12:54,024
We can settle it.
- Give him the money!
1434
01:12:54,107 --> 01:12:55,817
Come on, come on,
we're gonna miss the plane!
1435
01:13:48,082 --> 01:13:51,378
You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.
1436
01:13:51,419 --> 01:13:53,004
They'll wait for you, Doctor.
1437
01:13:53,046 --> 01:13:56,675
I guess so.
I'm the prime attraction.
1438
01:13:58,802 --> 01:14:02,223
Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.
1439
01:14:02,264 --> 01:14:05,935
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
1440
01:14:06,019 --> 01:14:09,230
What is it now
with this "Doctor"?
1441
01:14:09,314 --> 01:14:11,858
You are a real doctor,
aren't you?
1442
01:14:11,942 --> 01:14:13,402
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
1443
01:14:16,655 --> 01:14:17,948
Who told you?
1444
01:14:19,450 --> 01:14:22,036
The real Dr. Baird. He called.
1445
01:14:22,119 --> 01:14:24,455
Don't worry.
1446
01:14:24,539 --> 01:14:28,042
I didn't give you away.
I covered your ass.
1447
01:14:29,461 --> 01:14:30,921
Why?
1448
01:14:31,004 --> 01:14:34,758
Because I once thought
it was cute.
1449
01:14:36,927 --> 01:14:38,929
The customs people treated you
with such respect...
1450
01:14:38,971 --> 01:14:40,431
and they went through my bag...
1451
01:14:40,473 --> 01:14:43,643
Iike I was some kind of
a drug dealer, you know?
1452
01:14:43,726 --> 01:14:46,729
First stop, Beverly Hills.
465 North Bedford Drive...
1453
01:14:46,771 --> 01:14:49,149
then the Riviera Country Club.
1454
01:14:56,448 --> 01:14:58,284
Nice rental. Where's Harvey...
1455
01:14:58,325 --> 01:15:00,369
and my box
of green dead presidents?
1456
01:15:00,453 --> 01:15:02,413
They're waiting to be exhumed
in the game room.
1457
01:15:02,497 --> 01:15:03,706
Is he here?
1458
01:15:03,790 --> 01:15:05,667
I thought he was
at some kind of banquet.
1459
01:15:05,750 --> 01:15:08,461
Would you stop following me?
I told you to stay in the cab.
1460
01:15:08,545 --> 01:15:11,006
Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...
1461
01:15:11,089 --> 01:15:12,758
and act like the doctor
you claim to be?
1462
01:15:12,799 --> 01:15:14,343
At least the police
could identify him--
1463
01:15:14,426 --> 01:15:16,387
I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...
1464
01:15:16,470 --> 01:15:18,222
shut the fuck up
about the cops!
1465
01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:19,807
I'm the one
who's been violated!
1466
01:15:19,890 --> 01:15:21,475
What about my reputation?
1467
01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:23,728
Your reputation
isn't worth ten cents.
1468
01:15:23,811 --> 01:15:26,022
My reputation's
a million-dollar industry!
1469
01:15:26,105 --> 01:15:28,400
It'll go right down the toilet
if the public finds out...
1470
01:15:28,483 --> 01:15:31,153
some fraud's been doing
my radio show.
1471
01:15:31,236 --> 01:15:33,488
We got to keep things quiet...
1472
01:15:33,530 --> 01:15:35,908
and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.
1473
01:15:35,991 --> 01:15:39,328
I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.
1474
01:15:42,582 --> 01:15:45,335
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...
1475
01:15:45,376 --> 01:15:47,671
to have you fuck up my revenge.
1476
01:16:02,937 --> 01:16:06,086
OK, Harvey, grab your balls
for the last time.
1477
01:16:10,278 --> 01:16:11,488
Help!
1478
01:16:17,453 --> 01:16:19,664
I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!
1479
01:16:19,705 --> 01:16:22,834
Here's your money
and here's your contract.
1480
01:16:24,460 --> 01:16:27,213
Just think of it
as your blood test.
1481
01:16:27,297 --> 01:16:29,049
I never get married
on an empty stomach.
1482
01:16:29,132 --> 01:16:31,969
Let me bark down some steamed
puffed chicken rolls...
1483
01:16:32,052 --> 01:16:33,679
some boiled peas,
I'll speed-read this...
1484
01:16:33,721 --> 01:16:35,347
and get back to you
with some addendums.
1485
01:16:35,389 --> 01:16:37,183
Fair enough. By the way,
I want you to know...
1486
01:16:37,224 --> 01:16:39,227
I didn't even take out
the money I advanced you.
1487
01:16:39,268 --> 01:16:42,313
Now, you know why?
- Because it's not your money.
1488
01:16:43,690 --> 01:16:48,069
- This is a serious breach
of professional ethics!
1489
01:16:50,447 --> 01:16:54,910
- Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?
1490
01:16:54,994 --> 01:17:00,416
- Help! Anybody, help!
1491
01:17:00,500 --> 01:17:02,585
- Please help me!
1492
01:17:05,338 --> 01:17:06,882
It's about time.
1493
01:17:06,965 --> 01:17:09,217
Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
1494
01:17:09,259 --> 01:17:11,136
I'm Dr. Baird.
- Sure, you are.
1495
01:17:11,220 --> 01:17:13,263
That's how come
you're locked in his closet.
1496
01:17:13,347 --> 01:17:16,142
I'm calling the cops.
- Good.
1497
01:17:16,225 --> 01:17:20,605
...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.
1498
01:17:21,940 --> 01:17:24,567
But the real reason
we're here tonight...
1499
01:17:24,609 --> 01:17:26,695
is to honor
our Dr. George Maitlin...
1500
01:17:26,778 --> 01:17:28,238
and to accept the award...
1501
01:17:28,321 --> 01:17:30,782
a man who's only been with us
for four days...
1502
01:17:30,824 --> 01:17:33,410
How long do these people take?
1503
01:17:33,494 --> 01:17:35,955
How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1504
01:17:36,038 --> 01:17:40,418
Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1505
01:17:40,460 --> 01:17:42,128
That's not fast enough!
1506
01:17:43,254 --> 01:17:44,923
Freeze, scumbag.
1507
01:17:47,259 --> 01:17:50,262
Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!
1508
01:17:50,345 --> 01:17:54,517
OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.
1509
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:58,938
I am Dr. Baird!
- Sure, you are.
1510
01:17:58,980 --> 01:18:01,441
- I wasn't born yesterday.
1511
01:18:01,482 --> 01:18:03,485
- I'm a trained professional,
fella!
1512
01:18:04,486 --> 01:18:07,155
Thank you. Thank you.
1513
01:18:08,740 --> 01:18:13,204
- Thank you, Harvey.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
1514
01:18:15,998 --> 01:18:19,210
Not here. Go around back.
1515
01:18:19,293 --> 01:18:22,338
...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...
1516
01:18:22,422 --> 01:18:25,842
who has made therapy
a household name.
1517
01:18:30,973 --> 01:18:34,643
Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"
1518
01:18:34,685 --> 01:18:36,646
To them I say,
there's nothing...
1519
01:18:36,687 --> 01:18:39,399
that can be done
in a short time...
1520
01:18:39,482 --> 01:18:44,154
that can't be done
just as well in a long time.
1521
01:18:48,325 --> 01:18:51,954
Thank you and--wait a minute.
1522
01:18:52,037 --> 01:18:53,873
Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.
1523
01:18:53,956 --> 01:18:55,458
I left that wallet...
1524
01:18:55,541 --> 01:18:57,502
in the other taxi,
the one we took from the air--
1525
01:18:59,504 --> 01:19:02,590
If Dr. George Maitlin
could have been here tonight...
1526
01:19:02,674 --> 01:19:06,386
he would be most, most
honored with this award...
1527
01:19:06,428 --> 01:19:10,015
and he would thank you
for this honor, but...
1528
01:19:14,478 --> 01:19:16,189
You're supposed
to be in London.
1529
01:19:16,230 --> 01:19:18,232
We were gonna tour
the countryside...
1530
01:19:18,274 --> 01:19:20,068
but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...
1531
01:19:20,151 --> 01:19:22,195
to fuck you again.
1532
01:19:22,279 --> 01:19:24,781
You know,
you're not feeling well, and--
1533
01:19:24,865 --> 01:19:26,450
Let's not talk about that
right now.
1534
01:19:26,533 --> 01:19:28,285
Let's talk about money.
- Money?
1535
01:19:28,368 --> 01:19:31,372
You gave my money
to the wrong man!
1536
01:19:31,413 --> 01:19:33,749
He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.
1537
01:19:33,791 --> 01:19:35,543
You shithead! That's not Baird!
1538
01:19:35,585 --> 01:19:37,337
If you go out there
in this condition...
1539
01:19:37,420 --> 01:19:40,882
everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.
1540
01:19:40,965 --> 01:19:44,428
You're right.
We don't want that.
1541
01:19:44,469 --> 01:19:49,934
- Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...
1542
01:19:49,975 --> 01:19:52,937
Good evening, I'm here to--
1543
01:19:52,978 --> 01:19:55,481
I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.
1544
01:19:55,565 --> 01:19:58,276
I'm Dr. Baird.
1545
01:19:58,318 --> 01:19:59,569
Excuse me?
1546
01:19:59,611 --> 01:20:03,573
Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1547
01:20:03,615 --> 01:20:05,617
I don't think so.
1548
01:20:05,659 --> 01:20:08,120
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.
1549
01:20:08,203 --> 01:20:09,872
I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...
1550
01:20:09,955 --> 01:20:13,334
and this is a legitimate
psychiatrist's dinner!
1551
01:20:13,417 --> 01:20:14,877
Let's just calm down.
1552
01:20:14,961 --> 01:20:17,130
I'm perfectly calm,
I assure you.
1553
01:20:17,213 --> 01:20:20,467
Be a psychiatrist.
1554
01:20:20,550 --> 01:20:23,136
You won't have
to wash your hands as much!
1555
01:20:24,429 --> 01:20:26,223
No trouble.
No trouble whatsoever.
1556
01:20:26,306 --> 01:20:28,392
I'm perfectly calm.
Don't touch me.
1557
01:20:28,475 --> 01:20:30,102
Get your hands off me!
1558
01:20:30,186 --> 01:20:32,647
My goodness,
what do we have here?
1559
01:20:34,398 --> 01:20:36,442
Where's my money?
- Don't worry about the money.
1560
01:20:36,526 --> 01:20:37,694
As soon as the dinner's over...
1561
01:20:37,777 --> 01:20:39,154
we'll get Baird,
or whatever his name is...
1562
01:20:39,237 --> 01:20:40,822
we'll take him outside,
we'll grab the briefcase...
1563
01:20:40,906 --> 01:20:42,324
with the cash.
- Cash?!
1564
01:20:42,407 --> 01:20:43,659
You paid him cash?
1565
01:20:43,742 --> 01:20:45,494
You told me never
to pay anybody in cash!
1566
01:20:45,577 --> 01:20:47,162
It's the only way
he would take the job...
1567
01:20:47,246 --> 01:20:48,664
and so far,
he's worth every penny.
1568
01:20:48,706 --> 01:20:53,836
I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...
1569
01:20:53,920 --> 01:20:55,838
if there are
any bullets left...
1570
01:20:57,090 --> 01:20:59,634
On your desk.
1571
01:20:59,676 --> 01:21:02,387
Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.
1572
01:21:02,471 --> 01:21:05,140
- Quick! He's getting away!
1573
01:21:06,558 --> 01:21:08,561
Hurry!
- Crowd, clear, please!
1574
01:21:08,644 --> 01:21:10,020
Crowd, clear, please!
1575
01:21:10,062 --> 01:21:12,982
Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!
1576
01:21:13,024 --> 01:21:17,153
...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
1577
01:21:17,237 --> 01:21:22,200
I am Dr. Baird! I am--
1578
01:21:26,538 --> 01:21:29,250
Be on back to my office
on Monday. See you later!
1579
01:21:40,053 --> 01:21:41,179
When do we board?
1580
01:21:41,263 --> 01:21:42,681
Fifteen minutes.
- Thanks.
1581
01:21:42,723 --> 01:21:43,849
...that has developed here.
1582
01:21:43,932 --> 01:21:45,893
Because of the difficulty
of the access...
1583
01:21:45,976 --> 01:21:47,520
to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...
1584
01:21:47,603 --> 01:21:49,188
a coordination
of Herculean effort...
1585
01:21:49,271 --> 01:21:50,856
on the part of all three
of these departments...
1586
01:21:50,898 --> 01:21:52,442
to deal with the problem.
As you can see...
1587
01:21:52,525 --> 01:21:54,652
an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".
1588
01:21:54,736 --> 01:21:56,362
- Continental announces...
1589
01:21:56,404 --> 01:21:58,949
- the boarding of flight 45
to Mexico City.
1590
01:21:59,032 --> 01:22:00,992
You just don't have
your thinking cap on.
1591
01:22:01,076 --> 01:22:02,911
We don't want
to go public with this.
1592
01:22:02,995 --> 01:22:06,415
The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!
1593
01:22:06,457 --> 01:22:07,750
Your eye's not on the sparrow.
1594
01:22:07,792 --> 01:22:10,419
I want my $200,000!
- It's deductible.
1595
01:22:10,503 --> 01:22:12,422
It's a legitimate
business expense.
1596
01:22:12,505 --> 01:22:14,757
We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.
1597
01:22:14,799 --> 01:22:18,094
Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!
1598
01:22:18,178 --> 01:22:19,763
And you say he's not a crook!
1599
01:22:19,846 --> 01:22:21,640
You made a commitment.
1600
01:22:21,723 --> 01:22:23,934
And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.
1601
01:22:24,017 --> 01:22:25,769
Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...
1602
01:22:25,853 --> 01:22:27,897
"A man's reputation
is like a famous painting.
1603
01:22:27,980 --> 01:22:29,440
"Once its authenticity's
questioned, it's never--"
1604
01:22:29,523 --> 01:22:32,276
Shut up!
- Right.
1605
01:22:32,318 --> 01:22:34,362
We'll have to get back
to you on that...
1606
01:22:34,445 --> 01:22:35,822
if you promise
to come back to us...
1607
01:22:35,905 --> 01:22:37,699
as soon as we get
the picture and the sound.
1608
01:22:37,782 --> 01:22:39,618
As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...
1609
01:22:39,701 --> 01:22:40,953
we're getting
a very clear picture now.
1610
01:22:41,036 --> 01:22:42,996
The man seems to be dressed
all in black...
1611
01:22:43,080 --> 01:22:46,458
in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.
1612
01:22:46,542 --> 01:22:48,628
Late word has come in.
1613
01:22:48,711 --> 01:22:51,380
The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.
1614
01:22:51,464 --> 01:22:53,424
If there is a relative
out there...
1615
01:22:53,466 --> 01:22:54,801
who knows Donald Becker...
1616
01:22:54,884 --> 01:22:57,429
could you please make your way
to the Hollywood sign?
1617
01:22:57,470 --> 01:22:58,638
Perhaps you could, uh...
1618
01:22:58,722 --> 01:23:01,433
I'm doing this for you, Baird!
1619
01:23:01,475 --> 01:23:04,311
Please don't do this.
1620
01:23:04,395 --> 01:23:06,480
Please don't do this to me.
1621
01:23:06,564 --> 01:23:09,317
Where are you now?
1622
01:23:09,358 --> 01:23:11,319
In first class.
1623
01:23:21,914 --> 01:23:25,668
- I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.
1624
01:23:25,709 --> 01:23:27,253
We'll cut to the copter
in the air...
1625
01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:29,172
to see if they can pick it up.
1626
01:23:29,255 --> 01:23:32,258
He seems to be saying "Baird."
1627
01:23:32,342 --> 01:23:35,053
Where is he?
Where is he?
1628
01:23:35,136 --> 01:23:36,763
Where's who?
1629
01:23:36,847 --> 01:23:38,807
It's only money.
It's only money.
1630
01:23:38,849 --> 01:23:40,267
You can cash in
on his momentum.
1631
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:41,769
You don't want to blow that.
1632
01:23:41,852 --> 01:23:43,979
That looks like
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1633
01:23:44,021 --> 01:23:45,189
You crook!
1634
01:23:45,272 --> 01:23:46,983
...recently on the radio.
Dr. Baird...
1635
01:23:47,024 --> 01:23:49,277
there's a rumor that
this man is your patient.
1636
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:51,070
Is this true, and if so,
how does it reflect...
1637
01:23:51,154 --> 01:23:52,363
on your treatment of him?
1638
01:23:52,447 --> 01:23:54,991
Badly, but maybe he won't live
to spread the word.
1639
01:23:55,033 --> 01:23:56,576
Thank you.
That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1640
01:23:56,660 --> 01:23:59,496
noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.
1641
01:23:59,538 --> 01:24:01,498
Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!
1642
01:24:01,540 --> 01:24:02,791
With my money!
1643
01:24:02,875 --> 01:24:05,503
lsn't anybody--
- I'll stop him!
1644
01:24:08,798 --> 01:24:10,842
Good shot.
1645
01:24:10,925 --> 01:24:12,719
Where are we going?
- Guess!
1646
01:24:16,890 --> 01:24:20,269
Are you Dr. Baird?
It's an honor to meet you.
1647
01:24:20,352 --> 01:24:22,229
Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."
1648
01:24:22,313 --> 01:24:23,731
My wife heard you on the air.
1649
01:24:23,814 --> 01:24:25,566
When she finds out
I met you in person--
1650
01:24:26,901 --> 01:24:29,529
Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.
1651
01:24:29,612 --> 01:24:30,863
For the last few months--
1652
01:24:30,905 --> 01:24:32,907
We should really
talk about this later.
1653
01:24:32,949 --> 01:24:35,410
She likes to come home Friday,
put on my uniform--
1654
01:24:35,494 --> 01:24:37,704
Is that the only way out?
Is there any other way out?
1655
01:24:37,746 --> 01:24:38,956
It's not like she's kinky,
either.
1656
01:24:39,039 --> 01:24:40,541
I think she just wants
to be me.
1657
01:24:40,624 --> 01:24:43,085
Look, I am responsible
for this guy, and--
1658
01:24:43,127 --> 01:24:45,087
She runs around
writing parking tickets.
1659
01:24:45,129 --> 01:24:46,923
She tries to pee standing up.
1660
01:24:47,006 --> 01:24:48,424
Well, I'll see what I can do.
1661
01:24:48,508 --> 01:24:50,552
I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...
1662
01:24:50,635 --> 01:24:52,387
and see if we can't
come up with something...
1663
01:24:52,429 --> 01:24:53,763
but I have to go.
1664
01:24:53,805 --> 01:24:56,099
Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--
1665
01:24:56,183 --> 01:24:58,727
Got a session down here now.
See you after.
1666
01:24:58,769 --> 01:25:00,938
Just in case
you don't make it...
1667
01:25:01,021 --> 01:25:02,314
Later. We'll talk later.
1668
01:25:02,398 --> 01:25:04,775
I really will
think about it, though.
1669
01:25:06,777 --> 01:25:08,655
It's you.
1670
01:25:08,738 --> 01:25:11,574
Decided to come back, have you?
1671
01:25:11,616 --> 01:25:14,744
Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.
1672
01:25:14,828 --> 01:25:19,458
What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?
1673
01:25:19,541 --> 01:25:22,795
This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.
1674
01:25:23,921 --> 01:25:26,340
Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?
1675
01:25:26,424 --> 01:25:29,802
I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.
1676
01:25:33,390 --> 01:25:34,766
I can't see my money.
1677
01:25:34,808 --> 01:25:36,268
Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.
1678
01:25:36,310 --> 01:25:38,312
Cool it about the money.
There's TV here.
1679
01:25:38,353 --> 01:25:39,646
You want
the whole world to know?
1680
01:25:39,730 --> 01:25:40,981
He could fall,
and we'd never find it.
1681
01:25:41,023 --> 01:25:43,192
You're a doctor.
Act concerned.
1682
01:25:43,275 --> 01:25:45,528
You don't think I'm concerned?
1683
01:25:45,611 --> 01:25:49,073
You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?
1684
01:25:49,157 --> 01:25:50,867
I'm concerned.
1685
01:25:50,950 --> 01:25:52,994
Quiet.
A man's life is at stake.
1686
01:25:53,078 --> 01:25:55,372
Guess whose.
1687
01:25:56,915 --> 01:26:00,169
As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...
1688
01:26:00,210 --> 01:26:03,673
but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.
1689
01:26:17,146 --> 01:26:18,689
Hold on. Hang on.
1690
01:26:23,444 --> 01:26:25,071
That's it.
1691
01:26:27,824 --> 01:26:29,325
Why did you come back?
1692
01:26:29,409 --> 01:26:31,494
I'm still trying
to figure that out.
1693
01:26:32,829 --> 01:26:35,540
Scared, Doctor?
- You've got the wrong man.
1694
01:26:35,582 --> 01:26:37,543
You just needed a little help.
1695
01:26:37,584 --> 01:26:39,003
How did you get up here anyway?
1696
01:26:39,044 --> 01:26:40,963
Same way you did, Doc.
1697
01:26:42,548 --> 01:26:45,051
Thanks for thinking of this.
1698
01:26:45,093 --> 01:26:46,260
What do you want?
1699
01:26:46,344 --> 01:26:48,763
What do I want?
What do you want?
1700
01:26:48,847 --> 01:26:50,265
You're the one
who was screaming...
1701
01:26:50,348 --> 01:26:51,850
all over local TV for me.
1702
01:26:51,892 --> 01:26:54,102
I just wanted you
to watch me jump.
1703
01:26:54,186 --> 01:26:56,104
Bullshit. You wanted me here.
1704
01:26:56,188 --> 01:26:59,567
Now I'm here, so let's do it.
1705
01:27:01,444 --> 01:27:04,947
Great. Let's do it.
1706
01:27:06,157 --> 01:27:09,953
Me first.
- We jump together.
1707
01:27:10,036 --> 01:27:12,372
But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.
1708
01:27:12,414 --> 01:27:15,042
Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.
1709
01:27:15,083 --> 01:27:17,670
I was history.
I had in my possession...
1710
01:27:17,753 --> 01:27:21,716
$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.
1711
01:27:23,968 --> 01:27:26,638
You take this key...
1712
01:27:26,721 --> 01:27:30,559
go to the airport,
get my 200,000...
1713
01:27:30,600 --> 01:27:32,894
and start a new life.
1714
01:27:41,112 --> 01:27:43,406
Why did you come back?
1715
01:27:43,448 --> 01:27:46,075
You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...
1716
01:27:46,117 --> 01:27:48,161
but you were right
about the pants.
1717
01:27:49,579 --> 01:27:51,748
Size thirty-eight crazy.
1718
01:27:51,790 --> 01:27:55,419
What?
- Prison issue.
1719
01:27:55,502 --> 01:27:58,464
The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...
1720
01:27:58,547 --> 01:28:00,633
at Cicero, lllinois.
1721
01:28:00,716 --> 01:28:05,096
John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...
1722
01:28:05,138 --> 01:28:09,476
current status--
escaped and at large.
1723
01:28:19,779 --> 01:28:21,572
They'll get us.
1724
01:28:21,656 --> 01:28:23,616
We'll live to jump again.
1725
01:28:56,026 --> 01:28:58,028
Cuff him.
- Arrest him, too.
1726
01:28:58,112 --> 01:28:59,614
Dr. Baird? He's the hero.
1727
01:28:59,697 --> 01:29:01,240
That's the nut case
we're taking in.
1728
01:29:01,324 --> 01:29:02,700
He's not Dr. Baird!
1729
01:29:02,784 --> 01:29:04,828
What's in a name?
This man's a hero.
1730
01:29:04,911 --> 01:29:07,497
George, don't be ungracious.
- He stole my money!
1731
01:29:07,581 --> 01:29:10,083
Come, come, we'll talk.
1732
01:29:10,167 --> 01:29:12,461
Here.
You better take back your key.
1733
01:29:12,544 --> 01:29:15,214
Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.
1734
01:29:15,297 --> 01:29:18,009
They're gonna lock me up.
- Don't count on it.
1735
01:29:19,510 --> 01:29:21,721
Sorry about this.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
1736
01:29:21,804 --> 01:29:24,015
That's quite all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
1737
01:29:24,057 --> 01:29:26,559
A nice guy like you?
It's a shame.
1738
01:29:26,601 --> 01:29:29,396
I quite agree.
- Cuff him, too.
1739
01:29:29,438 --> 01:29:33,233
Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.
1740
01:29:33,317 --> 01:29:35,110
He's not a criminal.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
1741
01:29:35,194 --> 01:29:36,570
I sent him up there.
1742
01:29:36,612 --> 01:29:39,949
It's not his fault.
It's my fault. Let him go.
1743
01:29:43,661 --> 01:29:46,706
You'll still be
on the 11:00 news.
1744
01:29:50,419 --> 01:29:52,296
Release the other guy.
1745
01:29:59,345 --> 01:30:01,931
I want my money!
He took my money!
1746
01:30:02,015 --> 01:30:04,309
You! You! You took my money!
1747
01:30:04,392 --> 01:30:06,645
Are you Maitlin?
- You're damn right!
1748
01:30:06,728 --> 01:30:08,897
Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
1749
01:30:08,939 --> 01:30:10,274
You better believe it!
1750
01:30:10,357 --> 01:30:11,900
Garbage!
- Garbage?!
1751
01:30:11,942 --> 01:30:13,569
I'll show you garbage!
1752
01:30:13,611 --> 01:30:16,113
This is no time for violence.
1753
01:30:16,155 --> 01:30:18,825
Wrong, Harvey!
- Holy shit!
1754
01:30:18,908 --> 01:30:20,785
You let my money get away.
1755
01:30:20,868 --> 01:30:23,079
But you didn't.
- I'm your friend!
1756
01:30:23,121 --> 01:30:25,957
You banged my wife
for a year and a half...
1757
01:30:26,041 --> 01:30:28,085
on your lousy desk!
1758
01:30:28,168 --> 01:30:30,587
The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!
1759
01:30:30,629 --> 01:30:32,339
Sign this!
1760
01:30:32,423 --> 01:30:36,093
Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!
1761
01:30:36,177 --> 01:30:38,971
We have another
late-breaking development.
1762
01:30:39,013 --> 01:30:40,848
Gunshots have erupted beneath
the famed Hollywood sign...
1763
01:30:40,932 --> 01:30:42,851
which recently saw
the thrilling rescue...
1764
01:30:42,934 --> 01:30:46,146
of a deranged patient by radio
psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1765
01:30:46,229 --> 01:30:48,690
The alleged assailant is
allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...
1766
01:30:48,774 --> 01:30:50,400
another Los Angeles
psychiatrist.
1767
01:30:50,484 --> 01:30:51,777
Perhaps we could get
an interview with him.
1768
01:30:51,819 --> 01:30:53,946
Dr. Maitlin, is there
anything you'd like to say?
1769
01:30:54,029 --> 01:30:56,490
Fuck you !!!
- Well, that's another first.
1770
01:30:56,949 --> 01:30:58,951
Let's check on two-thirty.
1771
01:31:01,830 --> 01:31:03,665
Doctor.
1772
01:31:03,707 --> 01:31:06,209
I'm Dr. Baird.
1773
01:31:06,293 --> 01:31:08,170
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1774
01:31:08,253 --> 01:31:09,463
I hear you.
1775
01:31:09,505 --> 01:31:12,633
I hear you saying
you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1776
01:31:12,675 --> 01:31:15,052
I am Dr. Baird, though.
I really am.
1777
01:31:15,136 --> 01:31:16,554
I'm Dr. Baird.
1778
01:31:16,637 --> 01:31:18,306
I hear you. I really do.
1779
01:31:18,347 --> 01:31:20,808
I hear you saying,
"l am Dr. Baird."
1780
01:31:20,850 --> 01:31:23,645
You're not really
listening to me.
1781
01:31:23,687 --> 01:31:25,272
You think you're hearing
what I'm saying...
1782
01:31:25,355 --> 01:31:26,690
but you're not
really listening.
1783
01:31:26,732 --> 01:31:28,358
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1784
01:31:28,442 --> 01:31:31,528
I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...
1785
01:31:31,612 --> 01:31:33,823
and somebody else
has supplanted me.
1786
01:31:33,864 --> 01:31:37,201
Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.
1787
01:31:37,243 --> 01:31:40,246
Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.
1788
01:31:40,330 --> 01:31:42,707
Amazing.
- What, sir?
1789
01:31:42,749 --> 01:31:45,043
How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.
1789.4
01:31:48,548 --> 01:31:50,257
Dr. Maitlin ?
1789.6
01:31:51,821 --> 01:31:53,073
Dr. Maitlin ?
1790
01:31:53,260 --> 01:31:55,346
What?
- I'm Dr. Smet.
1791
01:31:58,266 --> 01:32:00,101
I'm not sick.
1792
01:32:03,730 --> 01:32:06,566
I just need space.
1793
01:32:39,310 --> 01:32:43,315
- And the moon
lights up the night
1794
01:32:43,398 --> 01:32:46,485
- My eyes light up
when you call my name
1795
01:32:46,568 --> 01:32:47,945
- I get a fever--
1796
01:32:48,028 --> 01:32:51,240
Hey, Houdini, let's go.
You're going to Lompoc.
1797
01:32:51,282 --> 01:32:53,951
You give me fever
1798
01:32:57,288 --> 01:32:59,708
See you later,
fellow timesters.
1799
01:32:59,791 --> 01:33:01,251
- Good luck.
1800
01:33:04,171 --> 01:33:06,840
You'll be glad to know
that the horror stories...
1801
01:33:06,924 --> 01:33:08,801
about Lompoc prison
aren't really true.
1802
01:33:08,884 --> 01:33:10,302
Good.
1803
01:33:10,344 --> 01:33:12,430
I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.
1804
01:33:12,471 --> 01:33:15,308
The number of knife attacks
is way down...
1805
01:33:15,349 --> 01:33:20,021
as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.
1806
01:33:20,105 --> 01:33:21,481
I'm glad to hear it.
1807
01:33:21,565 --> 01:33:23,483
I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...
1808
01:33:23,567 --> 01:33:26,820
there in at least a week.
1809
01:33:26,904 --> 01:33:29,490
Nice.
- Hey, ah..
1810
01:33:29,573 --> 01:33:32,159
Frank, a little trouble ahead.
1811
01:33:32,243 --> 01:33:37,040
33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...
1812
01:33:37,123 --> 01:33:38,625
and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
1813
01:33:46,008 --> 01:33:48,636
There's a woman
trapped in there!
1814
01:34:05,320 --> 01:34:06,989
Hey, what's going on?
1815
01:34:07,031 --> 01:34:10,368
Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
1816
01:34:10,409 --> 01:34:12,703
You're under arrest! Stop!
1817
01:34:16,666 --> 01:34:19,836
You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!
1818
01:34:19,920 --> 01:34:23,006
Hey, Dr. Rollins !
Welcome to life on the lam!
1819
01:34:23,090 --> 01:34:25,342
Hold still
while I get these off.
1820
01:34:25,384 --> 01:34:28,220
You really are everything
a guy could want.
1821
01:34:28,262 --> 01:34:30,723
Shit!
- What? What's wrong?
1822
01:34:30,765 --> 01:34:32,558
The Freon's not working!
1823
01:34:32,642 --> 01:34:34,394
Who planned this disaster,
anyway?
1824
01:34:34,435 --> 01:34:35,895
She did.
- He did!
1825
01:34:35,979 --> 01:34:38,690
The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.
1826
01:34:45,823 --> 01:34:48,159
Put this on.
- How?
1827
01:34:48,242 --> 01:34:50,161
Over your shoulders. Good.
1828
01:34:50,244 --> 01:34:51,454
Just call me the wild one.
1829
01:34:51,537 --> 01:34:53,706
Good luck, boys.
- You're not coming with us?
1830
01:34:53,748 --> 01:34:55,041
This is it for me.
1831
01:34:55,083 --> 01:34:56,668
But, I don't want you, Becker.
1832
01:34:56,751 --> 01:34:58,378
I want the girl.
This isn't fair.
1833
01:34:58,420 --> 01:35:00,213
Life isn't fair. Hop on.
1834
01:35:00,255 --> 01:35:02,633
But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.
1835
01:35:02,716 --> 01:35:04,218
I can accept that.
1836
01:35:10,016 --> 01:35:11,642
This hog can kick ass!
1837
01:35:11,726 --> 01:35:14,646
Can outrun any cop car
built since '71!
1838
01:35:14,729 --> 01:35:16,439
Where did you get
this bike, anyway?
1839
01:35:16,523 --> 01:35:19,151
I dipped into petty cash--
your briefcase!
1840
01:35:19,234 --> 01:35:20,610
I take back everything...
1841
01:35:20,694 --> 01:35:23,113
I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!
1842
01:35:23,155 --> 01:35:24,949
How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?
1843
01:35:25,032 --> 01:35:27,743
To Monte Carlo.
- On a motorcycle?
1844
01:35:27,785 --> 01:35:30,621
No! On Harvey's yacht!
1845
01:35:30,705 --> 01:35:34,000
Becker! There are worse things
than being crazy!
141751
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof