Original subtitles

[ Suspenseful theme plays ]

Sad news from the city's South Side,

where yet another senseless act of violence

has authorities baffled.

For more, we go live to Chicago 22's A.P. Scott.

A.P., what have you learned?

Thanks, Jodie.

Behind me, we see the happy graduates

of Kennedy-King Community College,

but last night, this intersection

was no place for celebration.

As the details continue to come in,

there are still -- -We did it!

Your boys graduated.

-Excuse, me, sir, uh, -Excuse me.

-we are on the air at this -- -We're celebratin'.

It's a beautiful day.

South Side!

-South Side. -It's your man

Simon James, here.

Business administration, ya dig?

Got that piece of paper, ya dig?

-That's great. -Pin on my lapel, ya dig?

-Okay. -My man K!

-That's great. -Remote planetary studies.

-Mm. -I'm gonna be an astronaut.

You gonna make a good astronaut, too, K.

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together like we in a line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

I got a little rant about RTO

I just wanna kinda lay on everybody.

RTO -- yeah, they're evil, but they rent furniture and whatnot.

First of all, I go in there because you don't need credit.

They want your money every two weeks.

I'm late one time and you at my crib,

asking for your -- for your furniture back?

Come get it.

Bedroom set: $39.99 a week

for about 160 weeks.

Now, you can get out of that deal, if you want,

but there is a 76% penalty

that you'll have to pay in order to do that.

But, because I like you guys, I'm gonna go ahead and throw in

some free pillowcases for you.

Simon: [knocking] Let me get y'all attention.

Let me get y'all attention.

I wanna thank my family and friends from the block

for sharing this momentous occasion with me.

Yeah. All right, all right.

I appreciate y'all.

And my beloved Grandma Ernestine!

Mm! I love you. [ Whistle ]

And my Uncle Spi-i-i-ke!

Yeah, nephew!

[ Applause ] Say something!

All right, all right. Now, y'all know

I don't like to talk, but, uh...

[voice breaking] I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm proud of you because, uh,

when I first saw you, as a child,

I didn't know if you had fetal alcohol syndrome

or -- I didn't know what was goin' on.

[ Laughter ]But you went to college

and, now that you got that paper,

you gonna have a fine class of women trying

to juggle and snuggle them family jewels.

[ Laughter ]

I hope so.

Hey, you know what? I got a connect

at the VA if you want some Viagra.

Ahhh. You know what I'm sayin', player?

While I appreciate the offer,

in front of my kids, tonight is about

finally fulfilling my dreams.

Speaking of which, thank you, Q,

for allowing us to skip work tomorrow.

You are one hell of a boss.

Ahh, yeah, I never said that.

And I'm getting a little sick and tired

of you and my brother taking advantage of my kindness.

-Shut up, man. -That's how you speak

to your employer? -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.

It's finally time for me to say something, okay?

"The universe is a big and mysterious place.

Blindly, we go into it, unknowing, yet unafraid."

Carl Sagan. [ Snapping fingers ]

-Whoo! -Deep! Knowledge!

Hey, I wanna give a thanks to Chase,

the only white homie on the block.

I'm so proud of you, Simon.

And, everybody, um, I got a little bit of money

and so I made this little like

recording studio thing in my basement.

♪ I had blue balls until I fucked your white daughter ♪

♪ Kill your white father ♪

Yes.

♪ Been about my dope ♪

♪ Still gettin' Franklins ♪Yes.

♪ So when I say I'm down with Chase ♪

♪ It ain't about that bankin' ♪

Aw, thank you.

Thank you.

♪ Only white nigga I like ♪

If anybody wants to come on by,

you're all invited.

I wanna give it up

to Travis and Tha Capone Boys

for fallin' through. -Come on, man.

We look up to you, me and Tha Capone Boys.

You got my homie Big Red Ridin' Hood;

my dude Chattanooga, he from Tennessee;

and big homey Do Twice.

He do everything twice.

Aye, just hearin' Uncle Spike

and everything, man,

I'm even thinkin' about going back

and getting my jed.

Your GED?

Why you gotta spell it?

Aye, but look.

Here's a little something we decided

to come up on for you, Joe.

Thanks, man. [gasp]

Are these even out yet, dawg?!

For you, they is!

For me, they is.

Travis, thank you.

But y'all need to quit that street life like I did.

Man, just take the damn shoes, dude.

And, to my kids, your daddy's gonna get a real good job

and he's gonna bring all of you together in a big, fancy house.

-Yay! -I love you.

-Simon James? -Ain't that right? Whoa.

Uh, yeah?

You got some ID on you, sir?

Uh, might. What's goin' on?

You're under arrest for failure

to pay child support.

Aw, that's gotta be wrong!

Because I pay child support to my baby mamas.

Your Honor, can I get your attention?

[ Clamoring ]I've been waitin' a very long time!

Yeah, yeah.

Mm.

I see the face you're making.

I pay your salary!

[inhales sharply] Yeah,

she is not in a good mood today.

You need to plead no contest.

But I'm innocent!

I give my baby mamas cash every week.

Okay, Limiko and Tasha claim

you don't give them anything.

They just mad because I liked

some pictures on Instagram.

They lyin'!

Maybe they are, but if there's no paper trail,

there's no proof that you do give them anything.

-My word don't count? -No.

Why y'all doing this to me? I was just kissing

-Aye, aye! -on your bald head last night!

Aye, bruh! Aye, bruh!

Bruh, bruh, come on, listen!

Now, look at me now. Real talk!

I'm being real witchu.

Imma be real with you. I'm from Englewood.

You listenin'? -Yeah.

Okay, this is what I think you should do.

This is the best deal you're gonna get.

Okay. What is no contest?

It's very simple. The court will take

a little bit of your paycheck

and, if I'm being honest,

they're gonna take all of it.

It's the best you can do.

Woman: Whole court system's fucked up!

Now, let's go home, okay?

You got a lot to think about,

but we can beat traffic if we leave soon.

You'll be fine. You got a job, right?

Just keep your job.

Q: Let's get this meeting started.

Hey, Stacy, I'm sorry.

I really don't have any idea

if you're getting fired or not.

You're gonna have to call corporate office

about that, okay? Anyway,

I'm supposed to be congratulatin' my brother

and Simon last week for graduatin',

but then Simon had to go and do a bid.

A bid? I was only in there

for like 10 hours. Stop exaggeratin'.

Well, that was 10 hours [chuckle] more

than the rest of us here, so.

Anyway, Simon, K, good job.

[ Clapping ]Ah, nah nah.

Enh, enh, enh enh enh enh enh.

Stop that, okay? You acting like

it didn't take 'em eight years

to finish community college.

He's got a point there.

Come on, give it up for -- for the idiot, yo.

"I went to school for eight years!

I'm stupid!" -Thank you, Bishop.

Thank you. Can always count on you

to push hateful words out of those ball-kissers

you call lips. -Ooh.

Oh, okay, ball-kissers I call lips.

Okay. You just mad 'cause you can't swim.

-Oh! -Yeah, I said it.

-I can swim. -No, you can't, okay?

You can't swim. -I can swim, man.

You can't swim! You can't doggy-paddle.

You can't hold your breath underwater.

You can't do nothin'!

You almost drowned at a kid's party!

It was very traumatic and the clown had

to jump in and save your life.

And he came out the water with his regular face

and scared all the kids.

When they figured out that was Frank's daddy,

little Frank, they lost it!

I got another question.

Why are they here?

Yeah, good question.

Uh, do we have a problem?

I don't know. Do we?

Hey! They're not here for you, Cool Hand Luke.

They're here because I know it's dangerous out there.

And, to that end, I'd like to introduce

Officers Turner and Goodnight.

They patrol our major delivery zones

and they'll be on the ready if we have any problems

with any uncooperative clients.

Glad to be of service. Now, I can feel some

hesitation in the room, so I just want to assure you

we are not here to beat anyone today.

Really just here to let you guys know.

Don't let this uniform fool y'all.

I'm from here, okay? I grew up right

on 76th and Damen, so I know these streets.

If you have problems, you can come to me.

You can come to Goodnight.

Case by case.

I went to Hirsch, so, I understand

how real these streets can get.

I'm one of y'all

and we are all in this together.

Q: Ah. Thanks again, guys.

Thank you, Officer Turner.

-Okay, come on. -All right.

That was great. -All right, guys.

You all know Chicago cops are not cheap.

That's gonna be 10 bucks each, everyone.

Let's ante up. Let's get it.

You know what it is. Come on!

Hey, man, those cops are supposed to be

fightin' big crimes. So if we need their help,

then they need a small honorarium.

Then you pay it.

Or the store pay it.

It's y'all crap!I'm not payin'.

Okay, well, fine, don't pay it.

You won't get any protection.

I don't need no protection.

Yeah, we don't need it.

Oh, oh, you don't need no protection, huh?

You just think you're a tough guy?

I do push-ups.

-Oh, you do push-ups? -Yeah.

Okay, I got a great idea, boss.

You wanna hear this? -Yeah, I wanna hear it.

What if we had them go get that Xbox

from Michael "Shaw" Owens? -Man: Oh, oh.

-That's right. Look at 'im! -Ohh!

That's right. You see that picture there?!

-A'ight! Apologize. -Hey, he's lost his mind.

He's goin' crazy.

That's a very good idea, my future assistant manager.

You said "future assistant manager"?

Yeah, that's right, man. I like your work.

God is good!

Somebody told me I was gonna get

a blessin' this week. This old lady

was standing down the street, said,

"You gonna get blessed." And I was like,

"I don't believe you," but she was right!

Man: The Lord works in mysterious ways, brother.

-Aaaaah! -Anyway, how long

has Michael Shaw had that Xbox?

Okay, I'm good now.

Uh, he had the Xbox for two years.

Oh, wow. Simon, I want you and K

to go and get it back from him

without any protection.

Shaw's too dangerous.

He made Greg quit

and Greg was a Marine!

[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Panting ]

♪♪

[ Thwick! ] Aaaaaaah!

Whoo! Ha, bull's-eye nigga.

Ha-ha! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I am not riskin' my life

for this rat bastard job.

I just graduated from college.

My stock is all the way up.

What are you doing?

Excuse me.

Oh, and here's your shirt.

Wow. Really?

Come on, K.

Man, this is foolish on so many levels,

but that's my boy.

I'm out! -Really?

You're outta here, too? [ Clatter ]

See you at home?

Yeah.

[ Upbeat hip hop plays ] Freedom!

[ Gunshots ] Go back inside.

Go back inside. Go back inside.

♪♪

Look, do you want this or not?

Nah, you got it. That's all you.

-Fine. -I'm not judging you.

I don't care. This is a savage community.

Your little Downer's Grove mentality --

Buffalo Grove, thank you. Go, Cubs.

[nasally] I'm sorry. Buffalo Grove.

-I don't sound like that. -Little Buffalo Grove

mentality's gonna get you mercked.

Mercked? I don't -- merc --

Is that in the...? -That's why it's so clear to see

you not one of the people. -Let me check

the police computer. [high-pitched] Mercked!

Okay, that's not even on.

Why you playin'? -But you know what I was

tryin' to go for. I was showing you that,

had I checked it, "mercked" would not exist.

Oo-ooh! He is too cute!

I should go over there and give him a baby

to go with that one he pushin'.

That's a zaddy, right there.

[ Siren chirps ] Excuse me, sir. Halt.

Yes, you with the stroller.

I'll be right with you, okay? Thank you!

-Un-believable. -Yah! I look good?

Can you check my wig? Is it straight?

Okay. Ho is life; ho is life; ho is life.

-"Ho is life"? Okay. -Yes. I'll be right back.

I got to get mines and I gotta go get this dick.

Okay, officer, go get that dick.

-Thank you. -♪ Okay, let me illustrate ♪

♪ Let me draw the plot ♪

♪ We in this thang, in the autobot ♪

♪ She ride shotgun 'cause she call the shots ♪

Marty, I'm gonna be the hardest-workin' bastard here.

I'll be the first bastard here in the morning

and I'll be the last bastard to leave at night.

I'm puttin' my all into this.

I've always wanted to work for you all.

You've always wanted to work

for Inter-Cable [scoff] General Systems?

[ thumps table ] Hell, yes!

Ah, excuse my language. -Anh, that's fine.

I was actually born on 52nd and Kedzie.

Oh! So you know the deal, Charlie.

I know a few things, yeah.

I'm from the wild hundreds.

Um, this job will give me the opportunity

to turn lemons into lemonade.

How fast can you type?

70 words a minute.

I minored in typing in school.

May I show you?

-Sure. -That's okay?

-Yeah, go ahead. -Okay.

Thank you. All right, um --

[ Cracks knuckles ] Here we go.

[ Keyboarding ]

What are you writing?

Everything we said in this meeting, so far.

That's very impressive.

-Uh-huh. -You wrote that down.

Writing as I'm talking now.

"Charles in charge.

Charles in charge of me."

[laughs] That's cute.

When can you start? Oh.

[ Keyboarding ]

"Immediately." Heh.

Whoo! Victory!

Hey, corporate America. You did it.

We're a team. We both did it, baby.

Nah, not me.

Kennedy-King Community College?

Where's that? -It's, uh, right down the street

from Walgreens, in Englewood, on Halsted.

-Do not know it. -It's Halsted right here,

-Right. -then it's Lowe, then Wallace,

and then, yeah, Kennedy-King

is right -- -Still don't know where that is.

Kennedy-King is right there.

Damn, man. Why won't somebody

hire me on this space shit?

My dreams are like the stars, man:

right in front of my eyes, but light-years away.

Oh, man, don't worry about it.

You'll be all right. -Pssh! All right.

[ Knocking on door ] One, two, one, two, one.

Two cowboys for the rodeo, chief.

Hah hah! -Oh, yeah, we in.

Ohh! -♪ Look inside, look inside ♪

♪ And you'll find what you're tryna find, tryna find ♪

♪ You just gotta look ♪

♪ Look inside, look inside ♪

♪ And you'll find what you're tryna find ♪

Let's get outta here.

Hey, Q. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-So, I'm -- -Here. Here.

-Nah, no, thank you, man. -Open your hand. Open your hand.

-I don't want none. -Take some of these

-little blue boys! -I don't need none!

-They gonna help you, man! -Myrna: Bye, Spike!

They gonna keep your penis erect

all night! She gonna eat you alive!

Coffee's here! Hey, Miss Vernetta,

got your dark roast

with four Splendas, instead of two,

because you're twice as sweet.

Now, Bill, I couldn't remember if you wanted

green tea or mint tea, so I got ya both,

you know? Wanna make sure ya --

-Simon. -Yeah.

-Can we chat? -Yes, sir. Happy to.

[ R&B plays ]

Hey. [chuckle] Ahem.

Look, I don't wanna be

the evil white guy, here, but goddamn.

Your background check was a nightmare.

Paternity suit.

Multiple evictions.

Illegal fireworks.

Improper disposal

of hazardous waste material.

And why didn't you tell me you were recently arrested?

Okay, so, what's the plan?

What do we do now?

You're fired.

Marty,

I'll still be the hardest- workin' bastard in --

Don't.

Uh...Charles in charge --

No.

No.

Fired-fired?

Yes.

[ Melancholy tune plays ]

♪ How can I ask you ♪

♪ What you doing ♪

♪♪

♪ When I don't know ♪

♪ What's been done? ♪

♪♪

[ Bell chiming ]

♪ How can I truly ♪

♪ Truly know ♪

♪ All the fathers ♪

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, may I help you, sir?

I need my job back.

[laughs] "Need."

Small word.

An important word, Simon.

We all have needs.

I knew your sweet-and-sour, paper-cup-soft ass

would be back. -Hey, Q, man,

stop bein' a little stank hole

and give him his job back.

Hey, enough [laughing] outta you, employee.

Get back to work.

Hey, Craig, good to see you again, brother.

I got some great deals for you today, man.

I'll talk to you in just a minute.

Q, I apologize and I'll write a letter

and I'm sorry. Come on, man.

Ugh! sounds like a personal problem to me, Simon.

You need your job. I need that Xbox back from Shaw.

New 2K is out.

You remember 2K, don't you?

Yeah, I taught you how to play.

[chuckle] You taught me well.

But every minute that I'm not playin',

I get weaker and those guys online get stronger.

Can't you see what I'm going through?

Come on, man. Think about somebody

other than yourself for a change.

I should've let Dalontai

kick your ass in high school.

It's a little too late for that.

If you want your job back...

[ Knock-knock ] ...get that Xbox back

from Shaw.

Man, I hate how new these shirts feel.

-You know what hurts the most? -What?

Those four hours at Inter-Cable General Systems

were the best four hours of my life.

[ Ethereal tune plays ] Everybody was so nice.

The microwave worked.

The plants were alive, so alive.

The bathrooms were immaculate!

No wet toilet paper.

They had doughnuts.

And I had my own email address:

s.james@inter-cablegensys.com,

all one word.

It was heaven!

Let's do this.

♪ I went lookin' for blood ♪

♪ And they're givin' me bone ♪

♪♪

♪ And I wanted a map ♪

♪ And I got directions back home ♪

♪ I went lookin' for knives ♪

♪ And they're givin' me balloons ♪

I didn't really fuck with it either, but.

Wait, wait, wait.

Who's these niggas in the polo?

Mr. Shaw, how are you doin'?

We're from RTO. Uh, we believe you are

in possession of one of our Xboxes?

Agh! [ Dog barking ]

My brothers, listen, I apologize.

I don't mean to be an inconvenience.

I truly don't, but,

I ain't got no damn Xbox, bitch nigga.

[ Dog continues barking ]

You're absolutely correct.

Uh, this is the wrong paperwork.

Guys, have a good day.

Take care of yourself. -Bye.

[sniff] You know what?

From now on, no more khakis on this block, man.

I don't trust niggas in khakis.

Write that shit down, Bluto.

[ Indistinct ]

Shit.

Word is out.[ Dog barking ]

Wait, wait, wait.

This is all I got.

Please help us, please!

Guys, I know, a long time ago,

in a galaxy far, far away,

when you first joined the force,

you wanted to do some good, okay?

And, Turner, I see you lookin' at me.

I see you feelin' me, where I'm comin' from,

all right? And you're from the South Side,

so help us out, sister.

This is a complete waste of time.

They don't care. -You're right. We don't care.

Watch your mouth. You don't speak for me, okay?

You speak for yourself, Mr. Buffalo Grove

with the white wife, like ew!

Uh, my wife is black? [scoff]

Um, no. I saw a picture of your son

and that boy was definitely white-lookin'.

Yeah, yeah, he is white.

We adopted.

[ Keyboarding ]

Oh. Wait, so,

you and your black wife adopted a white kid?

Mm-hmm. Josh.

So, you gonna let these guys come in and get their merch.

[ Dog barking ]

-Okay. -Thank you.

Come on. Hurry up. -Thank you.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Sorry!

Excuse us.

[sniff] Officer Turner, huh?

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

How much you need?

$100.

Huh. That's it?

Yeah, that's all.

Okay, okay. What about these cats in my crib?

What cats?

Hook 'er up, Bluto.

And give her the iPhone number.

Area code 907...

Yeah, K, the ethernet cord is still connected.

-Oh, really? -Check HDMI-2. I think that's

the last one that's connected, right there.

[snaps fingers] Check HDMI-1,

actually. I think that's what it is.

Uh, we're almost done here.

Is there a problem?Officer Turner?

Yeah, ain't no Officer Turner no more.

You're actually in my custody now.

I'm like the stepdaddy that builds weird shit

when the mama go to work.

So, let's have some fun, boys.

Can I see Lucille Jenkins?

Y'all ever seen "Walking Dead"?

-Oh, God. -Yeah, "Oh, God" is right.

Now, didn't I tell you not to touch my damn Xbox?

[ Whispering ]

You can't swim?

Man, I can swim!

That's old information. You know what?

Here's your Xbox. I'm puttin' it

back together. Fuck you, dude!

And fuck RTO.

Fuck the South Side.

You can kiss my ass. You probably can't play

2K, anyway. -Wait. What the hell

you just say to me? -I said, "You probably

can't play 2K, anyway." -No, boy, you ain't gonna talk

to me like that in my damn house!

You -- that's not what -- how you --

how you gonna talk to me in this crib!

I'll beat your ass in front of all your boys.

What you wanna do? 2K, what?

Let's go! -Bluto, go get the 2K.

Yeah, Bluto, get the goddamn 2K!

And you ain't gonna talk to Bluto like that.

-I'm sorry. -It's already downloaded

to the hard drive.

[ Hip hop plays ] Oh, there we go.

There we go. -Your computer cheatin'!

How you gonna use the '96 Bulls team?

There's no computer playin'.

It's just me! Oh-hoh-hoh!

I can play while just lookin' at you and beat your ass.

How 'bout that? -Oh, don't look at me like that.

-Uh-huh. -Don't look at me like that.

-That's a -- -Don't look at me like that.

You're Simon, right? -Yeah.

Okay. Okay, Simon, so,

tell me, bro.

When you was a little homie,

did you, like, always dream of

harassin' black people for their appliances?

-Man, I'm doin' the best I can. -You're doin' what?

I'm doin' the best I can. Don't sweat me.

Oh. Oh, bro, bro, bro.

Bro, hold on. Stop.

Pause. We gotta play a different game.

The new game is Simon Says

your best ain't good enough.

Come on, dawg, look at me!

Right? I mean, a lotta people

got some appliances from Rent-T-Own,

maybe one or two pieces.

Look around.

My whole goddamn crib Rent-T-Own!

-What? -And the section H.

I don't pay for shit!

See, listen, here.

[ Ethereal tune plays ] Hmm.

You succumb to the system.

I circumvent the system.

I circumcise the system.

You feel me?

I see what other people don't see.

See the future.

That's what you call a prophet.

Bluto a missionary.

And you've just been baptized.

[ Pats ]

[ Upbeat hip hop plays ]

So, how's this work, again?

Easy!

You keep gettin' these blue boys from the VA

and I'll sell 'em on my RTO route.

First thing we gotta do is buy my brother

that Xbox so that we keep this route.

True that. Thank you, Unc.

Life has dealt me some shitty cards,

but, with this, I'm 'bout to play a royal flush.

Yeah. We about to get paid!

See what you did right there?

You drew a straight line when it should be a triangle.

Because we are about to get paid.

This thing don't jump off without me, okay?

I should be at the top of the pyramid,

'cause I'm providin'

the erections on the South Side!

Guys, guys.

We just formed a syndicate.

There's no need to be beefin' already.

See what success do to people, man? [Tap-tap]

Just lose your mind, just like that.

I just lost...my...shit.

[ Pills rattling ]

Damn!

Viagra.

[ Rattling ]

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

To entrepreneurship, Joe.

To beyond infinity.

♪♪

♪ Have I been hidin' ♪

♪ Wastin' all my days? ♪

♪ Did I give up on all my dreams? ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ My heart is beating ♪

♪ I'm alive like a baby ♪

♪ Today is the day that I succeed ♪

♪ It's been a long ♪

♪ Long time ♪

♪ It took a while ♪

♪ To find my way ♪