All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S06E11.The.Switch.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

Tennis is the only sport

where the uniform
is what you would wear

under your clothes
in any other sport.

You're actually out there
in your underwear.

Unless in the old days,
you know, they would wear

those long pants
and the big heavy sweaters.

How long did it take them
to get over that?

We're out here in the hot sun,
running around after a ball.

What exactly are we
all dressed up for?

Maybe that's why they started
keeping score like that.

Point?
You know what?

Make it 15.

I'm dying in this sweater here.

Oh, another one got by me?

Take another 10 points.

Take another 10 points.

Let's just get this over with.

JERRY:
Come on, let's go.

No, wait.
I gotta go in here.

I gotta pick up
Mr. Pitts' racket.

What's it doing here?

He wanted to
have it restrung.

Here, I need
to pick that up.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Jocelyn Landis
from Doubleday.

Yes.

I interviewed you
for a position

a couple of months ago.

Yes, yes.
The one I didn't get.

I was watching you play.

Oh, I'm not very good.

No, you exhibited
a lot of grace out there.

Really? Grace?
Yes.

Really? Grace?
Yes.

So have you
found anything yet?

Uh, no.
Not really.

You know, you should
keep in touch.

Something may be opening up
in a few weeks.

Oh.

Is that
a Bruline?

Oh,
Bruline.

Hey, Newman's got
the same one.

Newman
plays tennis?

He's fantastic.

Would you mind
if I tried this out?

Uh, no.

Take it.

How will you
get it back?

Um, well, I could
come by your office

Um, well, I could
come by your office

and pick it up
tomorrow.

That's so generous
of you.

Well...
Thanks.

You loaned her
Pitts's racket?

What could I do?

She said
there might be

something for me
at Doubleday.

Oh, wouldn't that
be great?

I wouldn't have to work
for Mr. Pitt anymore.

I gotta
get going.

Oh, okay. Next time
let's play ping-pong.

It's easier
to jump over the net.

Yeah.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

Have you noticed
that she never laughs?

Hm, really?

Hm, really?

Yeah.
Think about it.

You're not gonna
believe this.

Yeah,
let me see.

There she is.
Check that out.

Whoa.

You're dating
this woman?

That's right.

Well, George,

you're becoming
one of the glitterati.

What's that?

You know,
people who glitter.

This is a slim gal.
Yeah.

And the amazing
thing is,

she eats like
there's no tomorrow.

I mean,
I've never seen

an appetite like this.
Desserts, everything.

an appetite like this.
Desserts, everything.

I don't know how
she does it.

Maybe she's bulimic.

What?

Bulimic, you know.

Kramer,
she's a model.

Exactly.

Well, I have noticed
she does tend

to go to the bathroom
right after we finish eating.

Yeah?

There you go,
monkey boy.

Come on.

Mm, mm.

Oh, oh, so good.

Mm.

Aren't you hungry?

Just enjoying
watching you.

So did you like
the movie?

Yeah, it was
okay.

Frankenstein didn't seem
quite right to me.

I missed
the sport jacket.

Not that it was
that nice of a jacket.

I mean, it didn't
fit him that well,

but to me there's just
something about

a monster
in a blazer.

I mean, shows at least
he's making an effort.

That's funny.

Well, I'm glad
you enjoyed it.

Mm.

Oh, I'm so full.

Yes. Full.

Love to be full.
Love to just sit back,

loosen the old belt
and digest away for hours.

Let those enzymes
do their work.

Will you excuse me?

Where you goin'?

I just need to freshen up.

Uh, you're fresh.

You're very fresh.

You seem very fresh
to me.

You're very vital.

I-I couldn't take you
any fresher.

I-I couldn't take you
any fresher.

George,
I need to freshen.

George?

George! George!

JERRY:
It was unbelievable.

You were right.
The jokes kept

bouncing off her
like Superman.

See, what did
I tell you?

And even when
she did like something,

she doesn't laugh.
She says, "That's funny."

That's funny!

Oh, I gotta call
that woman at Doubleday.

See when I can pick up
Mr. Pitts's racket.

I mean, how can I be
with someone that doesn't laugh?

It's like...
Well, it's like something.

It's like...
Well, it's like something.

Hello?
Yeah, hi.

Uh, is Ms. Landis there,
please?

What?

Oh, gosh.

Uh, okay.

She'll be in later?

Okay, thank you.

Ugh.

This guy said she hurt her arm
playing tennis.

It's pretty bad.

Well,
I heard a noise.

What noise?

What noise?

You know, uh, blah.

What blah?

From the bathroom.

Oh, you think
she was, uh, refunding?

Every time we go out to eat,
the minute we're done eating,

she's running for the bathroom.

So you're concerned?

Elaine, of course
I'm concerned.

I'm paying
for those meals.

It's like throwing money
down the toilet.

In a manner of speaking.

In a manner of speaking.

Right.

I mean, digest it.

Let me get
my money's worth.

What would be good
is if there was someone else

in the bathroom
that could tell me.

Hey, here's
your scrubber back, pal.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, maybe I could, uh,
bribe one of those women

that hand out the towels
in the powder room.

A matron?
Yeah.

Uh, well, I can't
help you there.

What?

Nothing.

You know a matron?

Me?
You.

No.
Kramer.

What? Now, look.
Just leave me alone.

What? Now, look.
Just leave me alone.

Well, what is it?
Tell me.

No, no.
Don't make me.

What?
No, I can't, all right?

I can't.
Who?

My mother's a matron.

Babs?

Yeah. There, all right?

I said it.
You satisfied?

Anything else
you wanna know?

Kramer, Kramer!

I need to know
if Nina is refunding.

Look, George, I can't
help you, all right?

Well, why not?
Why not?

Let go!

Because I haven't talked
to my mother in five years.

We just don't see
eye to eye.

I don't even wanna
get into my childhood.

I'm still carrying
a lot of pain.

I'm still carrying
a lot of pain.

A lot of pain.

Come on,
you could really help me.

I can't,
I can't.

Kramer, you're gonna
have to face her sometime.

[MUTTERS]

Hello?

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

What-- What happened?

I tore my humeral epicondylitis.

Oh.

The doctor said
it may never fully heal.

I may never play again.

Oh, you'll be playing before--

Oh, you'll be playing before--

If I can't play tennis,
I don't know what I'll do.

There are plenty of things
you can do.

There's, uh-- There's chess,

and, um, uh...mahjong.

You don't know
how lucky you are to be healthy.

And biking and hiking...

What am I
going to do?

[SOBS]

Could I--

If I can't play tennis,
I have no reason to live.

If I can't play tennis,
I have no reason to live.

You know, it's--
It's not important.

I'm, uh, gonna--

Okay, well, you know,
take care of that condylitis.

Ma?

Cosmo!

Cosmo!

Cosmo?

JERRY:
Why didn't you just
ask her for it?

I told you, I couldn't.

The woman
was crying

about how she might
never play tennis again.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Yeah.

GEORGE:
Hidee-ho.

Come on up.

Well, when do you have to get
the racket back to Mr. Pitt?

Oh, he's got
a big match tomorrow

with Ethel Kennedy.

He needs a $300 Bruline
to beat Ethel Kennedy?

He'll only play
with his racket.

Well, why don't you wait
till she's not there

on her lunch hour
and just take it.

That's stealing.

Stealing?
You loaned her the racket.

I know.

Hey-oh.

Hey.
Hey.

So, what happened
with Kramer's mother?

Oh, it's all
worked out.

Nina and I are gonna
have dinner Thursday

at the restaurant
where Babs works.

What's she like?

Oh, she's a Kramer.

Oh, she's a Kramer.

And, uh, while I was there,

I, uh, happened to pick up

another juicy little nugget
about our friend.

Oh, I'm ready.
What?

Yeah, come on.
What is it?

I, uh...
got the first name.

What?

You found out
Kramer's first name?

That's right. You ready?

Yes,
I'm ready.

I been trying to get it
out of him for ten years.

What is it?
What?

Cosmo.

Cosmo?
Cosmo?

Cosmo.

Cosmo.
Cosmo.

[LAUGHING]

Cosmo! Cosmo!

Well, what's so funny?

What?

Cosmo!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

All right,
all right, okay.

So you know
the name now, huh?

The cat--Meow!--is
out of the bag.

Well, I gotta
hand it to you.

You did a hell
of a job

keeping it a secret
all these years.

It's not
such a bad name.

Well,
you know,

all my life I've been
running away from that name?

That's why
I wouldn't tell anybody.

But I've been
thinking about it.

All this time
I'm trying not to be me.

I'm afraid to face
who I was.

But I'm Cosmo, Jerry.

I'm Cosmo Kramer,

and that's
who I'm gonna be.

and that's
who I'm gonna be.

From now on, I'm Cosmo.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

Hi, is Sandi here?

Oh, hi.
You must be Jerry.

Sandi's in the shower.
You wanna come in?

Well, I would, except
I forgot to bring a towel.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

So the roommate laughed
at everything I said.

Wow.

It was a great sounding
laugh too.

Kind of lilting
and feminine.

None of those big,
coarse "ha's."

You know those?
Oh, yeah.

"Ha! Ha!"
Yeah.

Hate the big, coarse "ha."
Hate those.

And the worst part,
of course,

is that she also possessed
many of the other qualities

prized by
the superficial man.

I see.

So as you can see,

I've got a bit
of a problem here.

I've got a bit
of a problem here.

Well, if I hear you correctly,

and I think that I do...

my advice to you
is to finish your meal,

pay your check, leave here

and never mention this
to anyone again.

Can't be done, huh?

The switch?

The switch.

Can't be done.

I wonder...

Do you realize
in the entire history

of Western
civilization

no one has
successfully

no one has
successfully

accomplished
the roommate switch.

In the Middle Ages
you could get locked up

for even suggesting it.

They didn't have roommates
in the Middle Ages.

How do you know?

Well, for one thing,
they didn't have apartments.

Well, I'm sure at some point
between the years 800 and 1200,

somewhere there were
two women living together.

The point is,
I intend to undertake this.

And I'll do it
with or without you.

So if you're scared,

if you haven't got
the stomach for this,

let's get it out right now,
and I'll go on my own.

let's get it out right now,
and I'll go on my own.

If not, you can get on board,
and we can get to work.

Now, what's
it gonna be?

All right, damn it,
I'm in.

I couldn't do it
without you.

All right.

Let's get to work.

[♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

All right.

That's enough
for today.

You're tired.
Get some sleep.

I'll see you first thing
in the morning.

Oh, we can't do it.
Who are we kidding?

It's impossible.
It's true.

You can't do the switch.
Nobody can do the switch.

You can't do the switch.
Nobody can do the switch.

It was a stupid idea
to begin with.

Let's face it.

I'm stuck with the non-laugher,
and that's that.

We'll come up
with something.

Yeah, sure we will.

All right.

See you tomorrow.

I got it!

All right.

Let's go over it
again.

One more time.

All right.

So I tell Sandi
that I wanna have

a ménage à trois
with her and her roommate.

That's right.

And you believe
this course of action

will have
a two-pronged effect.

Firstly,

the very
mention of the idea

will cause Sandi
to recoil in disgust.

Whereupon,
she will insist

that I remove myself
from the premises.

that I remove myself
from the premises.

Keep going.

At this point,
it is inevitable

that she will seek out
the roommate.

To apprise her of this
abhorrent turn of events.

Continue.

The roommate will then
offer her friend

the requisite sympathy...

Even as part of her cannot help
but feel somewhat flattered

by her inclusion

in the unusual request.

A few days go by,

and a call is placed
at a time when Sandi

is known to be
busy at work.

is known to be
busy at work.

Once the initial
awkwardness is relieved

with a little playful humor,

which she, of course
cannot resist,

an invitation

to a friendly dinner
is proffered.

Well, it all sounds
pretty good.

There's only
one flaw in it.

They're roommates.

She'd have to go out with me
behind Sandi's back.

She's not gonna do that.

You disappoint me,
my friend.

Sandi wants nothing
to do with you.

She tells Laura,

"If you wanna waste your time
with that pervert,

that's your problem."

It's a perfect plan.

So inspired, so devious,
yet so simple.

This is what I do.

Can I help you?

Uh, no.
I'm okay.

Well, then what are you doing
with that racket?

Um, it's mine.

Ms. Landis
borrowed it.

Well, I'm sorry.
You can't take that.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.
I can, I can.

It's mine.
It's my racket.

Look, sweetheart,
I don't know who you are,

I don't know
what you're doing here, but--

Okay, I'm going.
I'm going.

Well, not
with that racket.

Well, not
with that racket.

Give that to me.

You give it!
Give it to me.

All right, all right.
Forget it.

But you don't have to
mention any of this

to Ms. Landis, do you?

I don't have to,
but I will.

[WHISTLING]

Hi, Cosmo.
Hi, Mr. Clotworthy.

How are you
today?

Ah, couldn't
be better.

Hi, Lorraine.
Hi, Cosmo.

My mom, Babs.
Hi, Mrs. Kramer.

Lorraine.

Yes, it's
a fine day.

MAN:
What do you say, Cosmo?

MAN:
What do you say, Cosmo?

Hey, everything,
my man.

SANDI:
What?

You know, I don't know
the exact pronunciation,

but I believe it's...

"ménage à trois."

Ooh, that is a wild idea.

Huh?

KRAMER:
You know, Ma,
I've been thinkin'.

Hm?

I want you to quit
that matron job.

Yes, well, isn't that just
easy for you to say.

What the hell you think
I'm gonna do with myself?

What the hell you think
I'm gonna do with myself?

Well, maybe we can
go into business together.

If you're clean.

I been clean
for two years.

Anyway, what would
we do together?

Oh, I got plenty
of ideas.

I always
believed in you, Cosmo.

You know that.

So I want you
to call that place today

and tell them
that you're through.

Huh?

All right, I'll do it.
Yeah.

Mm, mm.

So good.

So glad.

Will you excuse me?
I've gotta freshen up.

Will you excuse me?
I've gotta freshen up.

And why shouldn't you?

Be fresh.
Stay fresh.

I'll be back.

I'm really
not feeling very well.

Care to see
our dessert menu?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, do you
know Babs?

Oh, yeah.

I was sorry to hear
she left.

Babs left?

Yeah.

She quit today.

[WOMAN RETCHING]

Aha!

What are you doing
in here, George?

I was just wondering what it was
you wanted for dessert.

How you feeling?

[♪]

Hi, Newman.

Hi, Babs.

What are you doin'?

Minding
my own business.

You can't get into
trouble that way.

What makes you think
I'm looking for trouble?

From what I hear,
you postmen

don't have to
look too far.

[LAUGHS]

Well, you know,
sometimes it just...

has a way
of finding you.

has a way
of finding you.

Cigarette?

Don't mind
if I do.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

GEORGE:
Kramer.

[KNOCKS]

GEORGE:
Kramer!

Hey.

Oh, what happened
to Babs?

She never showed up
last night.

The whole thing
blew up in my face.

Oh, that's a shame.

Hey, what happened
with Sandi?

I forgot all about it.

Did you call her?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I did.

In fact,
I went over there.

So, what happened?

Did she throw you out,
huh?

No, actually,
she took it pretty well.

So, what happened?

She's into it.

Into what?

The ménage.

And not only that,
she just called me.

She told me
she spoke with the roommate,

and the roommate's
into the ménage too.

That's unbelievable!

Oh, it's a scene, man.

Do you ever just get down
on your knees

and thank God that you know me
and have access to my dementia?

What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna do it.

You're not
gonna do it?

What do you mean,
you're not gonna do it?

I can't.
I'm not an orgy guy.

Are you crazy?!

This is like discovering
plutonium by accident!

Don't you know
what it means

to become
an orgy guy?

to become
an orgy guy?

It changes
everything.

I'd have to
dress different.

I'd have to
act different.

I'd have to
grow a mustache

and get all kinds of robes
and lotions and...

I'd-- I'd need
a new bedspread, new curtains.

I'd have to get
thick carpeting

and weirdo lighting.

Of course, I'd have
to get new friends.

I'd have to get
orgy friends.

No, I'm not ready for it.

If only something like that
could happen to me.

Oh, shut up.

You couldn't do it
either.

I know.

Hey, what happened?
Did you get your racket?

No. I got caught.

What do you mean,
you got caught?

Her assistant
caught me.

And now I'm probably
not gonna get a job.

He's gonna tell Landis
that I was

sneaking around
her office.

I still don't understand
how you can get in trouble

for taking
your own racket.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt's
got this match

Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt's
got this match

with Ethel Kennedy
this afternoon.

Hey.

Hey, Cosmo.
Hi, Cosmo.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, doesn't Newman
have a Bruline racket?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

But he's
on vacation.

Went to
Baltimore.

Hm, but you got the key
to his place, right?

Yeah.

Elaine needs to borrow
his racket, just for today.

All right, all right.

Come on. I'll take you
over to Newman's.

Hey, Cosmo, what happened
to your mother last night?

She hung me
out to dry.

KRAMER:
She quit.

Well, you know,
it would have been nice

if somebody
told me about it.

if somebody
told me about it.

I just think
she could have

said something,
that's all.

Well, don't talk to me,
George. Talk to her.

Well, where is she?
I don't know.

[WOMAN MOANING]

Ma!

Cosmo!

We were-- We-- We--

Cosmo?