All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S06E03.The.Pledge.Drive.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

There's something insincere
about these greeting cards

that we send
to each other all the time.

They're like these paper,
emotional prostitutes, isn't it?

I don't know
what my feelings are,

so I'll pay some
total stranger a buck

to make up this Hallmark hooker
to do job for me.

So I can go, "I didn't write
this, but whatever they wrote,

I think the same thing."

Wouldn't it be better
if we just had one card

that covered every occasion
for everybody in one shot?

Just: "Happy birthday, merry
Christmas, happy anniversary,

Just: "Happy birthday, merry
Christmas, happy anniversary,

congratulations, it's a boy
and our deepest sympathies.

Signed, the whole office."

ELAINE:
She was hitting on you?

My friend, Noreen?

Your friend, Noreen.

You're not just
flattering yourself?

If I was flattering myself,
I think I'd come up with

someone a little
less annoying than Noreen.

I cannot believe
she was hitting on you.

If you don't
believe me, ask her.

I will.

Besides, she's got a boyfriend,
Jerry, you know him: Dan.

Remember we went to
that party at his house?

Right, the guy who talks
with the really high voice.

Jerry, did you get my
Fortune magazine in your mail?

Check the pile.

Oh.

Ooh, who sent
you a card?

I don't know.
Open it.

It's from Hallmark.

Oh.

Hello, my love.

Hello, darling.

Isn't that cute?

A thank-you card from Kristin.

Here, let me see.

Who's Kristin?

She works for PBS.

I met her when I agreed
to do that pledge drive.

Did you ask her
about me?
Yeah.

In fact, she said you
could be one of those people

In fact, she said you
could be one of those people

that sits in the back
and answers the phone.

Giddy up.

All right. So, now,
how does that work?

I get a percentage of every
pledge I bring in, right?

No. It's not aluminum siding.
It's volunteer work.

All the money goes
to the station.
Uh-huh.

Okay.
Yeah, all right.

That sounds good, but I still
get a tote bag though.

And one of those
foam beer can holders.

Ooh.
Hmm-hm, honk.

You know what I'm doing?

I'm calling Noreen.
Oh, go ahead.

You sure you don't mind?
Like she's really gonna admit

You sure you don't mind?
Like she's really gonna admit

she was flirting with me.

[RINGING]

WOMAN:
Hello?

Hi, it's Elaine.

Listen, I was just
talking to Jerry.

Jerry?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, I like Jerry
a lot.

You mean "like" like?

What are you
talking about?

Noreen,

were you
hitting on him?

Noreen's not here.

This is Dan.

Oooh!

You say Noreen was
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

You say Noreen was
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

I'll-- I'll
call you back later.

Uh-oh...
So, was I right?

She likes me, right?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

It's for you.

Must you keep giving
my number out?

Oh. I'm sorry,
Mr. Pitt.

Hello?

Elaine, what is going on?

Elaine, what is going on?

Why did you tell Dan I was
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

Is this Noreen?

What would possess you
to make up a story like that?

Listen, Jerry mentioned it,
and I didn't--

I think I deserve
an explanation.

Ahh, Noreen, are you crying?

No, this is Dan.

Oh. Hi, Dan.

Elaine.
Um.

Work.

Uh, tell Noreen I'll
call her back later.

Uh, tell Noreen I'll
call her back later.

Who was crying?

No one. I'm sorry,
Mr. Pitt.

T-that won't happen again.

I'm sure it won't.

But someone was crying,
and I want to know who it was.

ELAINE:
Well, it's a long story. Okay.

But my stupid friend, Jerry,
told my other friend, Noreen,

that she was--

You know, hitting on him.

And so I called her
to see...what was going on.

And so I called her
to see...what was going on.

And I accidentally got
her boyfriend, who is this...

You know...

"I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
I tell jokes for a living,

"but there's no joking about
the financial crisis at PBS.

Show us you care.
Call in your pledge now."

Jerry, I'm so grateful
that you're doing this.

Oh, I know you are.

You got the card I sent?
I did.

So where is it?

So where is it?

What?

The card?

Is this it,
in the trash?

No.

This is my card.

You threw it away?

Well--

I put a lot of thought
into this card.

You signed your name
and addressed the envelope.

It's not like you painted
the picture and wrote the poem.

Fine.

Fine.

I gotta get back
to the office.

Why? Because I threw
the card out?

How long was
I supposed to save it?

You have
no sentimentality.

I have
sentimentality.

Really,
I'm sentimental.

Here, look.
Here's some cards I've saved.

These are birthday cards
from my grandmother.

See, I'm
not a bad guy.

You save her cards
but not mine.

Oh, great.

But you see,
I saved something.

See, I can save.

I'll see you
at the pledge drive, okay?

Well...
New cards, huh?

Well...
New cards, huh?

No, they're old cards
from my grandmother.

Well, I'll tell you,
a nice greeting card

can really lift
a person's spirits.

Yeah.

Oh. Ooh.
A check?

She puts $10 in every
card for my birthday.

That's why I save them.

There's a check in all these?

Why don't you cash them.

I don't know, it's $10.

Yeah, but you got
a whole pile here.

1987?

Oh, so what?

Jerry, your grandmother
gave you this gift.

She wants to you
to spend the money,

She wants to you
to spend the money,

to have the fun
that she can't have.

This is tantamount
to a slap in the face.

Oh, get out of here.

Jerry, a gift not enjoyed

is like a flower
that doesn't blossom.

All right, all right,
I'll cash the checks.

JERRY:
It was a thank-you card
from Kristin

because I'm doing
the PBS drive.

I mean, how long
am supposed to keep it?

Rules are minimum
of two days.

You making that up or you know
what you're talking about?

I'm making it up.

I'm making it up.

I mean, really?

What is the point
of saving it?

I could see
if I had a mantel.

Well, a mantel is
a whole different story.

Absolutely.

If my parents
had a mantel,

I might be a completely
different person.

So anyway, she's
kind of upset about it,

so I need you
to do me a favor.

Let's have it.

Well, I'm doing the PBS drive,
so during the show

they're gonna be running
the Ken Burns baseball thing.

So I thought if I could
get a baseball player

to come on the show
with me...

You want me to ask
one of the Yankees?

You want me to ask
one of the Yankees?

Could you?

All right. I'll run it by
a few of people.

Do your thing,
where you lie to everyone.

I should never have made
that phone call.

Hey, did you ever get
to talk to Noreen?

Yes, she's
very upset.

So was I right
about the flirting?

Was it true?
I don't know.

I never asked.
She was yelling--

Who was flirting with you?

Remember when we were
in the book store,

that woman came up to us?

She wasn't flirting with you.

She wasn't flirting with you.

Oh, sure, she was.

Asked me where
the humor section was.

Humor?

Come on.

Jerry, her brother
just had

a book of political
cartoons published.

[LAUGHING]

All right, so, maybe
she wasn't flirting with me.

So what?

Oh, yeah,
that's funny.

Hey, you wanna
hear something weird?

Hey, you wanna
hear something weird?

Mr. Pitt eats
his Snickers bars...

with a knife and fork.

Really?

Yes.

Why does he do that?

Probably doesn't wanna get
chocolate on his fingers.

That's the way these society
types eat their candy bars.

Oh, you know.

What? You think I eat
all my meals with you?

Ahem. Excuse me,
sweetheart?

I think you may
have overcharged us.

I think you may
have overcharged us.

Um...what is this?

That's the extra toast.
Get it?

Got it.

Did you just see
what happened here?

What?

Did you see the way
she pointed at the check?

She gave me the finger.

That's how waitress types
express derision.

They don't wanna get
their mouths dirty.

They don't wanna get
their mouths dirty.

GEORGE:
So? What do you think?

PBS fundraiser?

I'm not gonna waste any
of the players time with that.

Besides, the team already does
so much promotion

for channel 11.

Channel 11?

Forgive me for trying
to class up this place,

trying to have the Yankees
reach another strata of society

that might not watch Channel 11.

What the hell are you doing?

I am eating my dessert.

How do you eat it?

With your hands?

You know, maybe George
has something here about PBS.

Okay, 60 bucks
from Nana.

Oh!

Huh?

Yeah.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hello. This is
Chemical Bank.

Just wanted you to know your
checking account is overdrawn.

Chemical Bank?

I haven't used
that account in months.

Well, someone's been
cashing the checks,

and you're overdrawn.

Oh, dear.

I'll be down there
first thing in the morning.

BANKER:
Wait, we can do
this over the phone.

[BUZZING]

You got Danny Tartabull?

You wanted a Yankee,
I got you a Yankee.

Boy, you really
came through.

Kristin's gonna
be thrilled.

Hey, the bull
owes me one.

I help him with his swing.

So you're bringing
Danny Tartabull

to the fundraiser
tonight?

Absolutely.
Hee-hee.

Pending approval of the script.

Excuse me?

Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

Yeah, I'd like to see
the script too.

You're just
answering phones.

To put me at ease.

Hey, when when you order
from the waitress,

get her to point
to the menu.

I wanna see
what finger she uses.

Uh, say, I wanted
a side order of fruit,

but I didn't see it
on the menu.

You're getting it.
It comes with your breakfast.

Right you are.

I didn't get the special,

but I would also like
the fresh fruit too.

I'll check.

I don't believe it.

She did it again.

Oh, she had an itch.

Had an itch.
She could have used

any of her fingers.

That finger was for me.

Well, yeah.
She knew what she was doing.

By the way,
lunch is on me.

I just cashed
my nana's birthday checks.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Looking for
somethin', lady?

Looking for
somethin', lady?

Isn't the Chemical Bank
on this block?

The bank?

It burned.

It's gone.

Oh, dear.

What you wanna do
is go down to 49th Street.

That's the main
customer service branch.

Ask for Mr. Fleming.

He'll help you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

UNCLE LEO:
Jerry, hello.

Uncle Leo.

Listen, I don't wanna alarm
you, but your nana is missing.

Nana is missing?

I came to pick her up
for a doctor's appointment.

She wasn't here.

I called the doctor.

Nobody knows where she is.

She hasn't left the apartment
in 25 years.

I-I've been thinking
about her.

I-I've been thinking
about her.

I just cashed
her checks.

That's right
you did.

What kind of checks?

I think Chemical Bank.

Oh, they were Chemical.
Chemical?

She hasn't used that account
since her branch closed.

What are you doing
cashing her checks anyway?

Well, Kramer thought
it would make her happy.

I never should have
cashed those checks.

Hey, I didn't
twist your arm.

Your grandmother's on
a very fixed income.

What are you,
broke?

Just call me
if you hear anything.

Well, I cash the checks.

The checks bounce,
and now my nana is missing.

Well, don't look at me.

It's your fault.
My fault?

Your nana is missing
because she's been passing

those bum checks
all over town,

and she finally
pissed off the wrong people!

So, anyway, it's caused
a lot of problems.

Dan thinks
I'm interested in Jerry.

Dan thinks
I'm interested in Jerry.

He won't let up.

I'm really sorry,
but you can see

why I'd make
a mistake like that.

No, why?

Well, you know,
because he's a high talker.

He does raise his voice
occasionally, but that's normal.

No. No, no, no.
Not a loud talker,
a high talker.

Really?

You don't think his voice
sounds a lot like yours?

You don't think his voice
sounds a lot like yours?

I never noticed that.

Huh.

Well, it's no big deal.

You know, it's just that...
he can sound like a woman.

You know?

Great.

I'm going out with a man
who sounds like a woman.

Well, he looks like a man.

Yeah.

He's bald.

I know that's a guy thing.

I guess.

I know he belches a lot.

I know he belches a lot.

Well, that's something.

So Jerry thought
I was flirting with him?

Yeah.

Hmm!

He's kind of
a baritone, isn't he?

What are you doing?

I'm eating this cookie.

No, no, but-- But why are you
using a knife and a fork?

Did you just think of that?

No, I've seen
people do it.

I like it.

DANNY TARTABULL:
This isn't gonna
take long, is it?

DANNY TARTABULL:
This isn't gonna
take long, is it?

No, no, in and out.
I made sure of that.

And you'll be happy to know
I perused the script,

and it's met
with my approval.

Yeah, I'm sure
it's fine.

Hey!

Hey, watch it!

Did you see that guy?

He just gave me
the finger.

Y-you sure?

Oh, yeah, middle finger,
straight up at me. At us.

[ENGINE ROARS]

What are you doing?

I'm following him.

I'm following him.

I'm sorry.

The account had
insufficient funds.

We had to return the checks
made out to Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, dear.
That's my grandson.

May I call him now
and explain?

Oh, certainly.

ELAINE:
And now I think she might really
be interested in you.

And Dan is obsessed.

He keeps leaving these
annoying messages on my machine.

He keeps leaving these
annoying messages on my machine.

[PHONE RINGS]
Would you?

Hello?

NANA:
Hello,

I need to speak to Jerry.

Oh, it's you.

We were just
talking about you.

Listen, Jerry doesn't
wanna talk to you.

Nobody wants
to talk to you.

So why don't you
just...

drop...dead.

Huh?

Hey.

Hey.

Any word from Nana?
No.

Nana?

Yeah,
my grandma's missing.

Missing?
Yeah.

It might have something
to do with those checks.

Um...

What does Nana
sound like?

Like a grandmother.
Why?

Well, I...

Oh, you hung up
on my nana?

I don't know.
Maybe.

You told Nana
to drop dead!

It's possible.

Yes, it is!

All right, all right.

Look, Jerry, we gotta
get down to PBS, PDQ.

All right.

GEORGE:
No one gives us the finger.

We're Yankees!

Want this last donut?

No, you can have it.

Where are the tote bags?
I don't know.

I'm not leaving the premises
without tote bags.

I was promised tote bags,
and tote bags I shall have.

Jerry, this, uh, man
wants to see you.

Leo?

Hello.
Uncle Leo!

Well, what are you
doing here?

I wanted to tell you that
your grandmother is fine.

Ahh.
She's had quite a day,

but she's gonna watch you
tonight on the TV.

Jerry, I'm dying to meet
Danny Tartabull.

Where is he?

He'll be here
any second.

You guys are both on
in five minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Why didn't you tell me
you were a little short?

Here.

If anybody asks you where
you got it, you don't know.

No, that's okay.

I really don't
need any money.

What are talking about?

Please, it's
not necessary.

Jerry, will you please?

I can't.

I want you to have it.

Jerry, take the money?

I don't want it!

[WOMAN'S VOICE]
Jerry open up.
We need to talk.

[WOMAN'S VOICE]
Jerry open up.
We need to talk.

Who's that?

You know what?

It sounds like
that friend of Elaine's

that was hitting on me
in the bookstore.

Jerry, I'll take care of it.

Is Jerry in there?

Uh...

Well, he can't
be disturbed now.

Well, this situation's
driving me crazy.

He's all I think about.

I can't get him
out of my mind.

I'm sorry, fella.

I know what it's like
to be in love.

It ties you up in knots.
And Jerry is a very sexy man.

It ties you up in knots.
And Jerry is a very sexy man.

What?

Look, I'm not
judging you.

In fact, um,
we here at PBS--

We have many programs
celebrating your lifestyle.

Armistead Maupin's
Tales Of The City.

Gender Bending.

Swinging San Francisco.

Before Stonewall,
about those dark ages

when you couldn't come out
of the closet,

lest you be persecuted
because of your...you know.

No, I don't.

Are you
Danny Tartabull?

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'll take care
of this, Danny.

Excuse me.

What's the problem?

I believe you cut me off

and then made
an obscene gesture.

I did?
Where?

Outside of Manhattan,
about an hour ago.

Wow, is that
Danny Tartabull?

That's right.
Of the New York Yankees.

Wow, I'd like to shake
his hand, but I can't.

[PHONES RINGING]
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I tell jokes for a living.
But there's no joking

about the financial
crisis here at PBS.

Our lines are open.

JERRY:
So please call the number
you see on your screen.

This is only time this year
we'll be asking for donations.

PBS pledge drive.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with Jerry.

You again, buddy?

Look, forget about Jerry.

It's not gonna happen.

This is his grandmother.

This is his grandmother.

Oh, uh, Nana, hello.

Tell Jerry I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to write him
some new checks.

As long as you got
your checkbook out,

how about forking
a little over to PBS.

You watch the station,
don't you?

Don't be a freeloader.

...programs like
Ken Burn's Baseball,

and if Danny Tartabull were
here, I'm sure he'd say,

"That's correct, Jerry."

Jerry, I have
an announcement.

Your grandmother
is on the line.

My nana?

And as we speak,
she's generously writing PBS

And as we speak,
she's generously writing PBS

a check for $1500.

She can't do that!

She's on a very
fixed income!

Stop the show.

I got another card
from Kristin,

not quite as chipper
as the first one.

Isn't this little bunny
giving you the--

Yes, he is.

You should show this to Georgie.
Yeah.

Here's your knife and fork.

Look, she's cutting up
an Almond Joy.

I just don't get it.

I saw someone on the street
eating M&M's with a spoon.

What is wrong
with everybody?

Look, they're doing it.

They're all doing it.

What is wrong
with all you people?

Have you all gone mad?