All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S05E16.The.Stand-In.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

The bus is the single
stupidest, fattest, slowest,

most despised vehicle
on the road, isn't it?

Have you ever noticed,
when you get behind the bus,

people in your car go,
"What are you doing?

"Get away! Come on!"

The back of the bus,
it's like an eclipse, isn't it?

People are just like,
"The sun. Where is the sun?"

It's like this huge metal ass

just taking up the whole
windshield of your car.

When it pulls out,
it even sounds like

a fat uncle trying
to get out of a sofa.

Uhhhh.

It's just not good.
It's not good.

It's not good.

I'm bored.
She's boring.

I'm boring.
We're both boring.

We go out to eat,
we both read newspapers.

Well, at breakfast,
everybody reads.

No. Lunch, we read.

Dinner, we read.

You read during lunch?
Yeah.

Oh, well...

Nothing to talk about.

Ah, what's there
to talk about?

We're talking about
how there's nothing
to talk about.

Why don't you talk
with her about that?

She knows there's
nothing to talk about.

At least
she'll be talking.

Oh, shut up.

AL:
Hey, look who's here.

AL:
Hey, look who's here.

Hey, Al.
Hey, Al, how's it going?

Deeply in love.

We have so many things
to talk about.

Sometimes...
we'll talk all night...

till the sun comes up.

[SIGHS]

So, how about you?

Oh, I'm seeing
someone, yes.

You know her.
Daphne Bauer.

Great girl.

We have no need to speak.

We communicate with
deep, soulful looks.

Like Dwight and
Mamie Eisenhower.

Oh. Did you hear
about Fulton?

Yeah.

Yeah, I went by the hospital

Yeah, I went by the hospital

to see him a few days ago.

Think he'd really like you
to come visit.

Me?

Yeah. Bruce said he could use
a good laugh.

What about me?

He didn't mention you.

Oh. This is
my stop.

Uh...see you.

Yeah.
Yeah, see you.

[SCOFFS]
"Deeply in love."

If you can't say something
bad about a relationship,

you shouldn't say
anything at all.
Mm-hm.

I didn't even know
Fulton was in
the hospital.

"Could use a good laugh."

"Could use a good laugh."

You know what kind
of pressure that is?

Come on.
Come with me.

I'm not good
in these situations.

I can't hide
my pity.

I make them
feel worse.

Oh, stop it.

Also, I'm afraid that
people in that state

are finally gonna tell me
what they really think of me.

You know, they got
nothing to lose.

What do they care?

So you're not gonna come?

No. But say
hello for me.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, Mick.
Hey, Jerry.

What's doing?

Nothing.
What's doing with you?

Same old,
same old.

George, this is
Mickey.

George, this is
Mickey.

Hi. Nice to
meet you.

Pleasure.

Oh, how's work going, you guys?

Let's not even talk about it.

You got a job?

Yeah. Mickey,
he hooked me up.

We're stand-ins
for the actors
on All My Children.

Mickey, he's a stand-in
for an 8-year-old kid.

And I stand in
for the kid's father.

But I got
a big problem.

The kid I stand in for,
he's growing.

He was 4 feet
last month.

Now he's like 4'2" and a half.

He shot up
2 and a half inches.

I can do 4'2".

4'3" is a stretch.

Any higher than that,

I'm gonna be out on my ass
doing that paralegal crap.

I'm gonna be out on my ass
doing that paralegal crap.

How do you stop
a kid from growing?

I told you,
you should offer him
some cigarettes.

I offered him
cigarettes.

But his stupid mother's
always hanging around.

She won't let him
have any.

What about
lifts?

Out of the question.

Can't you just switch
with another midget?

Eww.

It's "little people."

You got that?

Easy, Mickey.
Easy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.
We gotta get back
to the show.

What are you guys doing?

I'm going to the hospital
to visit Fulton.

Oh. oh, well,
say hello for me.

Now, look. We're gonna
stop at the shoemaker
right now.

You gotta get
some lifts for your shoes.

Lifts? Look, Kramer,
you don't understand.

This kind of thing is
just not done.

You wanna keep your job,
don't you?

Yeah, but--
Ah! No buts.

Kramer--
Ahhh!

Hey.

Whoa-whoa, Fulton.

Whoa-whoa, Fulton.

It's me!

Hey, Jerry.
Good to see you.

I could use a good laugh.

Who couldn't?

I haven't cracked a smile
in months.

Oh, don't worry.
You'll crack.

Cracking's inevitable.

First you crack,
then you chuckle.

That was the motto
of the Russians

at the Siege
of Leningrad.

First you crack,
then you chuckle.

You know,
because Leningrad,
when the Nazis attacked,

it wasn't a very
happy time.

Because of the war.

Famine.

Famine.

Plus, it was cold.
It was very cold.

They were eating
each other.

Maybe this isn't
a good time for a visit.

No, it's a fine time.

Oh.

All right. Well, there's
a priest, a minister

and a rabbi, and
they're all skydiving.

[SIGHS]

So how were the eggs?

Eggs are eggs.

Eggs are eggs.

Eggs are eggs.

That is very profound.

[LAUGHS
UNCOMFORTABLY]

By the same token,
could you say
"fish is fish"?

[CHUCKLES]

I don't think so.

Listen, Dophne--

Daphne.
Daphne.

I have to
tell you something.

This is very
difficult--

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Al Nechy called me today.

Yeah, yeah. I bumped
into him on the bus.

What did he have
to say?

He told me not to
get involved with you.

He told me not to
get involved with you.

What?

Yeah, he said you could never
make a commitment to anyone,

and you'd just wind up
hurting me.

He said that?

What a nerve.

How dare he say
something like that.

Is it true?

Of course not!

I mean...sure, there may
have been one or two occasions

in the past, when I may have
reacted in a...

impulsive or
somewhat immature manner.

But those days
are well behind me.

But those days
are well behind me.

How long are you gonna
be away for, Daddy?

I'm not really going away.

I told you...

I'll be back
every other weekend.

Don't go,
Daddy.

Don't go.

Now, Porter...

you know your mother
and I love you very much,

but...sometimes,

people fall out of love.

people fall out of love.

Now, give me a big hug.

And...there's
your scene.

Stand-ins?
KRAMER:
Yo!

MAN:
All right, you guys.
Get on their spots.

We gotta fix
the lights.

That's
good work.

All right.
Ready.

[MONOTONE]
How long you gonna be
away for, Daddy?

[OVERLY DRAMATIC]
I'm not really going away.

I told you I'd be back
every other weekend.

Don't go, Daddy.
Don't go.

Now, listen, Porter...

you know your mother
and I love you very much.

But sometimes,
people fall out of love.

Now, give me
a big hug.

Aah!

[MUTTERS]

All right. Kramer.

Kramer!

Okay. That's lunch,
everybody.

One hour.

[BUZZER GOES OFF]

How do those
lifts feel?

Quiet.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Tammy.

Hey, you look different.

Have you been
working out?

Not that I know of.

Well, whatever it is
you're doing,
keep doing it.

You look great.

How about lunch?

Oh, I can't today.

But, um, I see it
in our future.

See you,
Kramer.
Yeah.

Bye, Mickey.

Ooh, she likes you,
buddy.

Ooh, she likes you,
buddy.

Yeah!
Yeah!

All of a sudden.

What?

Hey, Mick.

How you doing, Johnny?

What gives?
What's going on?

You going out
with Tammy?

Maybe. What's it
to you?

There's something
different about you.

I got my hair cut,
that's all.

No, that's not it.

Something else.

Yeah, you look
different.

You don't.

You got the same
ugly mug you had

since the day
I met you.

Well, I don't know
what it is,

but I'll find out.

I'll find out.

[WITH MOUTH FULL]
Don't believe him.

So, uh...she's just
sitting there.

And then Pachyderm--
you remember the 'Derm--

he says, "I'm gonna
go up to her."

So, he, uh-- He picks up
the two pieces of pizza.

And, uh--
And he, uh--

And they're steaming hot.
They're burning his hands.

So he's juggling them.
He's jugg--

He's throwing them
up in the air.

And just as he gets up to her,

down they go.

Well, we all just lost it.

It was really, really funny.

Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Phil.
How you doing?

You look terrific.

I got my health.

Well, that's the most
important thing.

[COUGHING]

Hey, how you doing,
Fulton?

Octane, butane,
night train!

How's he doing?

He could use
a couple laughs.

ELAINE:
You should've told the story
about Pachyderm

dropping the pizza.

[BUZZER]

I told it.
Yeah?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, you know
what?

As I was leaving,
I bumped into
Phil Tatola.

As I was leaving,
I bumped into
Phil Tatola.

He is one of
the greatest guys.

Do I know him?

No. But I'll tell
you something.

Of all
the guys I know,

I could envision you
going out with him.

If you were a woman,
would you go out with him?

If I was a woman,

I'd be down at the dock
waiting for the fleet
to come in.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I bet you would.
All right, give him my number.

All right.

This, you're not gonna believe.

Al Nechy,
that pimple...

tells Dophne--
now, get this--

not to get involved
with me.

not to get involved
with me.

What?
Yeah.

That's what
she told me.

Why?

Because
he's afraid

that she's
gonna get hurt.

Is she?

Of course.

So?

Well, he doesn't
have to tell her.

Maybe he likes her.

Oh, no, no, no.
He's deeply in love.

And I was just about
to break up with her

when she told me.

So, what are you
gonna do?

Well, I can't break up
with her now.

Why?

Because he said
I was going to.

So, now, you're
gonna keep going out
with her for spite?

So, now, you're
gonna keep going out
with her for spite?

Yes...I am.

Yeah, I could see that.

I don't see
any way around it.

No, me either.
What choice do I have?

None.

JERRY:
Fulton's wife told me
it's all my fault.

She said, since my visit,

he's taken a turn
for the worse.

Did you tell him
the Pachyd--?

Yeah, I told him
the Pachyderm story.

Well, maybe
I'll go over there.

Towards what end?

I'm very good
with sick people.

They love me.

When my friend, Len Nickidimo
had the gout,

I moved into his hospital room
for three days.

The doctors were amazed
at his recovery.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey.

Hey, Mick.

Johnny Viggiano
went through my locker.

Oh!

That little
bastard!

He saw the lifts
in my shoes.

He knows I'm heightening.

This never
would have happened

if you didn't push me
to get those things.

I told you--

Hey, nobody put a gun
to your head.

Yeah, well, just keep out
of my business, you big ape.

Who you calling
"big ape"?

I'm calling you an ape.

All right, break it up!

[ALL YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

Come on, you two guys.

Just cut it out now!

Yeah.

Behave
yourselves.

I'm sorry, Kram--

Oh, no, no.
That's all right.
It's all right.

You're stressed out.

Why does this guy, Johnny,
have it in for you?

Oh-ho, he's always
been jealous of me.

I always get to stand in
for the bigger stars.

The Cosby kids,
Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.

The Cosby kids,
Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.

[WHISTLES]

What's he like, huh?

He's a good kid.

So, what does he care
if you put lifts in?

You don't
understand.

There's an unwritten code
about this kind of thing.

I could be
ostracized.

I remember when
I was a kid,

some guy tried to
heighten.

He lost his job,
lost his friends,

everything.

Oh, I knew I was crazy
to try this kind of thing,

but I was so...desperate.

What is this kid
taking, anyway?

Hormones? Steroids?

Hormones? Steroids?

Would you tell me?

GEORGE:
Well, here we are.

George.
Tomorrow's Sunday.

We could sleep late,

and get the paper
and have breakfast,

and spend
the morning together.

Go for a long walk.

Maybe do a little
shopping.

Have lunch--

You know--
You know what?

I, um--

I don't think I'm gonna
be able stay over tonight.

Why not?

I really should
go home.

You know, actually,
I'm planning on spending

You know, actually,
I'm planning on spending

the day with my father
tomorrow.

We're going to
a father-son picnic,

just the two of us.

I thought we were gonna
spend the day together.

Well, Dad's been planning
this for such a long time.

He bought a new blanket.

And he got that game

with the foam paddles
and the Velcro ball.

Dad.

Have you given
any more thought

to what we talked about?

You know, moving in?

Yes.

Oh, yes. Very much.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you don't
wanna move in.

No, no. I do.
You know, it's just--

No, no. I do.
You know, it's just--

Maybe Al Nechy was right.

Maybe I shouldn't have
gotten involved with you.

No, he's not right.

Al Nechy is not right!

All right, I'm canceling
the father-son picnic!

I don't know what
he's gonna do

with all that
potato salad.

So then, Pachyderm picks up
the two pieces of pizza.

And mind you now,
they're burning hot.

He can barely hold them.
[LAUGHING]

He can barely hold them.
[LAUGHING]

I mean, he's trying to,
like, juggle the pizza.

You know:

I mean...and then
they go flying--

I'm gonna
pee my pants.

They go flying
out of his hands.

And one lands
on her face,

and the other lands...
on his face.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I mean, the whole place
went crazy.

Oh, what a story.

I know. I know.
That was unbelievable--

That's one of the funniest
stories I've ever heard.

I know.

I know.

Well, this has been
one hell of a night.

Oh, I'm sorry Jerry
didn't suggest this sooner.

You know...

you really are
beautiful, Elaine.

Oh. Oh, well...

Good night.

Good night?

Well...

Come on, Adrian,
give me another chance.

I know I can
cheer Fulton up.

I'll tell you what.
I'll do my act.

I'll tell you what.
I'll do my act.

No, new material.

He's never heard it.

He'll love it.

I just did it at
the Concorde last week.

It killed.

Thank you. Thanks.
You will not regret this.

Okay. Bye.

Hey.

Hello.

So?

What?

Come on.
How was your date?

Oh, the date.

The date.

Yeah.
How was it?

Interesting.

Interesting.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Why? What happened?

Let's see.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

How shall I put this?

Well, just put it.

He took it out.

He what?

He took...

[BLOWS ON GLASSES]

...it out.

He took what out?

He took what out?

It.

He took it out?

Yes, sirree, Bob.

He couldn't.
He did.

Were you involved in
some sort of amorous--

No.

You mean, he just--

Yes.

Are you sure?

Oh, quite.

There was
no mistaking it?

Jerry.

So, you were talking...
Mm-hmm.

you were having
pleasant conversation.

you were having
pleasant conversation.

And then all of a sudden--

Yeah.

It?
It.

Out?
Out.

Well, I-I can't believe this.
I know Phil.

He's a good friend of mine.
We play softball together.

How could this be?

Oh, it be.

Have you got any other friends
you want to set me up with?

Hey.

Hey, how was your date
with Phil Tatola?

He took it out.

[SHUDDERS]

Well, maybe, uh,
it needed some air.

You know, sometimes
they need air.

They can't breathe
in there.

It's inhuman.

So, she's just sitting there--

she's having
a pleasant conversation--

and all of a sudden--

It.
It?

Out.
Out?

Wow.

I spend so much time trying
to get their clothes off,

I never thought
of taking mine off.

All right, hey, come on.
Get out of here.

Dophne's gonna be here.

All right.
I'm going.

You know what
I've come to realize?

I'm not just bored.

I genuinely dislike her.

Well, how long are you
gonna keep this up?

Hey, I'll get married
if I have to.

Al Nechy will
think twice

before he opens his mouth
about me again.

You know, George,
they're doing wonderful things

at mental institutions
these days.

I'd be happy to set up
a meet-and-greet.

I'm very disappointed
to hear you talk like that.

You still don't know
what makes me tick.

You still don't know
what makes me tick.

Yes, I do.

All right,
what are you doing?

I'm going to the hospital
to see Fulton.

I'm not even
saying hello.

I'm going
right into material.

Oh, hey, Jer.

Oh, hey, Phil.

Ahem.

You know, I'm sorry things
didn't work out with Elaine.

I don't know
what I did wrong.

Well, you showed her
who you are.
Hm.

PHIL:
Oh, look at this.

What, she's gotta
breast feed in public?

What, she's gotta
breast feed in public?

Yeah, that's the last thing
you wanna see.

Well...next to last.

Look, I'll see you.

Yeah. Take it easy.

NURSE [OVER PA]:
Dr. Callahan.
Dr. Callahan.

Hey, how you doing?

Good to be here.

BOTH:
Rock, paper,
scissors. Match.

All right.
Rock beats paper.

I thought paper
covered rock.

No. Rock flies
right through paper.

Well, what beats rock?

Nothing beats rock.

All right, come on.

BOTH:
Rock, paper,
scissors. Match.

Rock.
Rock.

BOTH:
Rock, paper,
scissors. Match.

Rock.
Rock.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, what's
with you?

You got a problem?

You see that look
he gave me?

All right, come on.

Here. Ready?

BOTH:
Rock, paper,
scissors. Match.

Rock.
Rock.

Rock.
Rock.

Hey, Tammy.

Hello.

So, Tammy...finally,
today's our big lunch.

I don't think so.

Why not? What the hell
are you talking about?

Look, Mickey,
everybody knows that
you're heightening.

It's all over
the set.

Wait. Wait--

Don't touch me.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

All the progress
we've made
over the years,

and you go and blow it
by pulling a stupid
stunt like this.

Wait a second. Wait a second.
You got me all wrong.

It was all because
of the kid.

The kid
was growing.

The kid
was growing.

He shot up
2 and a half inches
in a month.

I would have
lost my job.

Any one of you
would have done the same!

You got no right.

I'm Mickey
Abbot.

I stood in
for Punky Brewster

when all of you
was nothing!

It's all his fault.

It was
his idea!

Come on, Johnny.

Let's go get
something to eat.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Mickey!

This guy's
belching up vitamins.

[LAUGHS]
Stop.

And this whole
Justice League...

Batman, Green Lantern,
Wonder Woman.

You mean to tell me Superman
can't cover everything?

[LAUGHS]
Stop.

For crying out loud,
he's Superman.

[ABRUPTLY
STOPS LAUGHING]

Fulton?

Fulton?

George...
Mmm.

first let me
just say that

I've never been
with a guy

who was so committed
to commit.

I mean, it's so rare
in men these days.

And that's what makes this...
all the more difficult.

Difficult?

The other day, after work,
some girlfriends and I

went to a bar for some drinks.

And there was
this crazy mishap.

And I wound up meeting
someone as a result.

George--

Oh, please don't.

Oh, please don't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And I'm afraid the worst of it
is it's someone you know.

Jerry Persach.

Pachyderm?

He was carrying these
two pieces of pizza--