Original subtitles

So, I move into the center lane.

Now, I get ahead of this woman who felt, for some reason,

I guess, that she thought that I'd cut her off.

So she pulls up alongside of me,

gives me...the finger.

It seems like

such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing

to just pick a finger, and you show it to the person.

It's a finger. What does it mean?

Someone shows me one of their fingers,

Someone shows me one of their fingers,

and I'm supposed to feel bad.

Is that the way it's supposed to work?

I mean...you could just give someone the toe, really,

couldn't you?

I would feel worse if I got the toe

than if I got the finger,

because it's not easy to give someone the toe.

You got to get the shoe off, the sock off,

and drive, get it up in the...

Look at that toe, buddy.

I mean, that's really insulting, to get the toe, isn't it?

JERRY: That it?

I've got the Q-Tips, I've got the mini-umbrella,

something boring to read on the plane.

That's it. Done!

That is the single greatest packing performance

I have ever seen.

I am...

the master packer.

Yeah, right. You're the master packer.

What you must understand, Elaine...

What you must understand, Elaine...

packing's no different

than leading men into battle.

You've got to know the strengths and weaknesses

of every soldier in that platoon...

from a collapsible toothbrush

to a pair of ordinary black socks.

Excuse me, master packer?

Yes?

Just give me your keys.

All right, sir.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

George?

Yeah.

Okay, so, now, is there anything else

I need to know about this place?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, yeah.

The hot water takes a little while to come on,

so the best thing to do is to turn it on,

do all your shopping,

and come back, and take a shower.

Okay. This is quite a place.

There's more. The refrigerator.

Deduct a minimum of two days

off all expiration dates.

No meat, no leftovers, no butter,

and I cannot overstate this--

no soft cheeses of any kind.

Is that clear?

I'll eat out.

I'll eat out.

And one more thing, Benes.

Regarding sexual activity...

strictly prohibited,

but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favor--

do it in the tub.

You ready?

Yeah. One second.

Hey, Elaine.

Hi.

You coming to the airport with us?

No, I'm staying here for the weekend.

I'm getting a break from my roommate.

Oh, the actress/waitress.

No. The waitress/actress.

She just got some part

She just got some part

in some dinner theater production

of A Chorus Line.

So, now, all day long,

she's walking around the apartment singing,

♪ God, I hope I get it ♪

♪ I hope I get it ♪

She's going to get it, right in the...

Why don't you just kick her out?

She's on the lease.

George, you have got to find another place for me.

Well, a little rough finding something good

in your price range...

Hey, but you, my friend, may be in luck.

I'm not looking.

No, no, no. This one's different.

No, no, no. This one's different.

This one's a beauty.

What's it like?

I haven't seen it yet, but it's a two-bedroom.

It's on, uh, the West 83rd,

about a half-block from the park.

How much?

Twice what you're paying here, but it's a great building.

It's two bedrooms.

Two bedrooms?

Why do I need two bedrooms?

I've got enough trouble

maintaining activity in one.

I saw that.

You ought to at least take a look at it.

Really? Why?

Because then I could move in here.

Ah... Ah.

I know what you're saying now.

It's time you got out of here anyway.

Yeah, tell him, but quickly. I'm double-parked here.

Jerry, this place is falling apart.

You have no hot water,

you can't have soft cheese.

And let's not forget the radiator.

The steam has been on here for 10 years.

No human can turn this off.

Jerry, come on. You're doing okay now.

You should at least take a look at this place.

You shouldn't have to live like this.

Like this?

You just said you wanted to live here.

Well, for me, it's a step up.

Well, for me, it's a step up.

It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

Jerry, what do you--?

Do you want to see the place or not?

I can't think about it now.

Come on, I'm going to Minneapolis.

I got four shows this weekend.

[GRUNTS]

Elaine?

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Elaine?

ELAINE: Jerry?

Jer-- Oh, hi.

Welcome back.

How were the shows?

Great. I had fun.

Where's the TV? Where's the VCR?

What?

They were stolen.

Stolen?

When?

A couple of hours ago.

A couple of hours ago.

The police are coming right over.

Stolen?

Someone left the door open.

Oh, yeah, uh...

You left the door open?

Uh... Yeah, well, you know, I was cooking,

and I, you know, I came in

to get the spatula.

I left the door open...

because I was going to bring the spatula right back.

Wait, you left the lock open,

or the door open?

The door.

The door.

The door? You left the door open?

Yeah, well, I was going to bring the spatula right back.

Yeah, and?

Well, I got caught up watching a soap opera.

Bold and the Beautiful.

So the door was wide open.

Wide open!

Excuse me.

And where were you?

I was at Bloomingdale's,

waiting for the shower to heat up.

waiting for the shower to heat up.

Look, Jerry, I'm sorry. I'm--

You have insurance, right, buddy?

No.

How can you not have insurance?

Because...

I spent my money on the Clapco D-29.

It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today.

It has only one design flaw.

The door...

must be closed!

Jerry, I'm going to find your stuff.

I'm going to solve it.

I'm on the case, buddy. I'm on the case.

Yeah, don't investigate. Don't pay me back.

It was an accident.

I made a mistake.

These things happen.

I'm human.

In your way.

OFFICER: Let's see, that's one TV,

stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR, and a computer.

Is that about it?

The answering machine.

Answering machine.

Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there

returning my calls.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

It's a joke.

I see.

Well, Mr. Seinfeld, uh, we'll look into it,

and we'll let you know, if we, you know,

if we find anything.

Do you ever find anything?

No.

Well, thanks anyway.

You bet.

I didn't get that joke either.

The crook has the machine.

The messages aren't for him, he's the crook.

Why would he answer--?

Why would he answer--?

How did you get in here?

I walked in. Your lobby door is broken again.

Again?

I don't know how you put up with this.

Yeah. Tell him, George.

You would still want to move in here?

Yes.

You don't understand.

I'm living with Ethel Merman

without the talent.

Is that, uh...

other apartment still available?

I got ripped off for about the...

18th time.

Now, the first couple of times you go through it,

it's very upsetting,

and your first reaction, or one of your friends will say,

"Call the police.

You really should call the police."

So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV,

you think, "Yeah, I'm calling the police--

"Stakeouts, manhunts...

I'm going to see some real action."

Right? You think that.

So, the police come over to your house,

So, the police come over to your house,

they fill out the report.

They give you...

your copy.

Now, unless they give the crook his copy,

I don't really think we're going to crack this case, do you?

It's not like Batman,

where there's three crooks in the city

and everybody pretty much knows who they are.

Very few crooks even go to the trouble

to come up with a theme for their careers anymore.

to come up with a theme for their careers anymore.

It makes them a lot tougher to spot.

"Did you lose a Sony?

"It could be the Penguin.

"I think we can round him up.

"He's dressed like a penguin.

We can find him. He's a penguin."

Oh... Oh.

Well... Come on.

This is an apartment.

This is a home.

This is a place to live.

[GASPS]

A fireplace!

Are you kidding me?

Does this work?

I didn't know there was a fireplace.

A fireplace! That's incredible.

How do you get all that wood in here?

They deliver it. They deliver wood?

Yeah.

What do you tip a wood guy?

I didn't know there was a fireplace.

ELAINE: Look! Look at-- Look at this.

There's a garden.

There's a garden.

A garden?

I can't believe there's a garden.

Would I have to get a gardener?

Yeah, you can get a gardener.

You tip him?

You can.

You don't tip a gardener.

You can tip a gardener.

You don't need a gardener.

Jerry, you can barbecue back here.

They deliver the coal?

Sure.

It's probably the same guy

who delivers the wood.

Oh, then I got to tip him.

Oh, man, this place is incredible.

Look at all this great light.

I don't have any plants.

I don't have any plants.

I have plants.

[SNORTS]

Jerry, look at this closet.

Look at this. I'm walking in it.

It's a walk-in.

Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this.

What do you think?

I like that.

What do you think, George?

What do you think, George?

It's your decision.

I'm taking it. Oh!

I'm taking the place. I'm going to take it.

This is going to be my new place.

I'm living here. I'm moving.

You're moving?

That means I'm moving.

Oh! Gee!

Is that incredible?

Congratulations.

What about the couch? You like the couch?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

What?

You're moving in. You're a good friend.

I wanna start you off on the right foot.

Give me...

$150.

In fact, get it out of here right now.

Take it out the door. I don't even want to see it.

A hundred and fifty dollars? For what? For this couch?

Yeah.

For this couch?

Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?

Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?

Okay, uh...

[BLOWING THROUGH PURSED LIPS]

I tell you what...

I could go as high as, uh...

I don't know. Maybe...twenty dollars?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

It's George.

Come on up.

All right. Forget it.

I'm gonna take it with me, then.

I'm just gonna pack up the cushions right now.

Okay, okay, you win. Forty dollars.

Okay, okay, you win. Forty dollars.

You wanna get the other end,

because I wanna get it in the hall.

Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars?

Is that all right? Fifty dollars?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Hey, what's going on?

I just bought Jerry's couch for $50.

So did you bring the lease?

Well, all right.

Gee, three years.

That kind of seems like a long time.

Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry,

Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable

Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable

about this at all, at all,

do not feel like you have to take it.

Why?

If you're having second thoughts,

if you didn't want it,

don't worry about it,

because, uh, you know, I--

I could take it, you know?

You could take it?

You want it?

No, I don't want it.

I want it if you don't want it.

So you...do want it.

No, I want it if you don't want it.

You just said you wanted it.

You just said you wanted it.

No, I'm saying if a situation arose

in which you didn't want it,

I might take it.

So take it.

How can I take it?

How can I take it?

It's your apartment.

How can I want it now if you want it?

Excuse me. I don't mean to cause any trouble here,

but, George, if you take it,

can I take your place?

Yes, but I am not taking it.

I am not taking it.

Well, one of you better damn well take it.

Well, what do you want to do here?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Do you want to flip a coin?

Who flips?

You flip, I'll call.

Okay. Fine.

All right. All right.

This is the official flip.

All right.

No crying, no guilt.

Winner takes all, and that's it. Agreed?

I'm good.

I don't know who to root for.

George's place has carpeting.

Shh, shh.

All right.

Now, you call it in the air.

No catching. No, no.

All right, flip it.

Heads!

[COIN CLANGS]

Tails.

Tails.

No, it hit the table. It hit the table.

So what?

Interference. You can't count that.

Come on. Are you crazy?

The coin cannot touch anything.

It affects it.

You didn't call "no interference."

You don't have to call that.

That's a rule!

I don't believe this.

Oh! Oh! All right. Fine, Jerry.

You win. Take it. Just take it.

I don't want to win it like this.

Elaine, what do you think?

I better not.

Jesus.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll choose you for it.

Straight choose, three takes it.

No disputes. That's it. You got to win three.

Okay.

Okay. I'll choose you.

What do you want?

Odds.

I want evens.

Good.

You got odds.

You got evens.

Right.

Ready.

Ready.

For the apartment.

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

Mine.

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

Mine!

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

Mine!

BOTH: Once, twice, three,

Shoot! Shoot!

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Thanks.

I'm just gonna...wash.

GEORGE [YELLING]: Why did I put out two? Why did I put out two?

[BANGING DOOR]

Jerry?

I think I'm onto something.

I think I found your stuff.

You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?

Yeah.

The last couple of days, he's been acting very strange.

I think he's avoiding me.

Hard to imagine.

Yeah, and get this--

I just got off the elevator with him,

and I tested him. I tested him.

Like I-- This is what I said to him,

like I was like this, I went,

"Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff."

"Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff."

You know, very casual... Right.

so he's gonna take me into his confidence.

So, what did he say?

"What stuff?"

Oh.

Case closed.

Oh, no, no. You don't understand.

You see, he swallowed.

See, the guy, he swallowed.

Oh, he was nervous about something.

Now, I'm gonna go over there.

I'm gonna borrow some tea.

You know, if I don't get back in five minutes,

maybe you better call the police.

Okay.

Starting...now!

Yeah!

Yeah!

One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid,

you have a certain way of working out disagreements...

and those laws do not work in the adult world.

One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute

is by calling it.

One of them'll say, "I got the front seat."

"I wanted the front seat." "I called it."

And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say.

"He called it. What can I do?"

If there was a kid court of law, it holds up.

"Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat."

"Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat."

And the judge would go, "Did he call it?"

"Well, no, he didn't call it--"

Bang. "He has to call it.

Case closed. Objection overruled."

I love the mirror in that bathroom.

I don't know what in the hell it is.

I look terrific in that mirror.

I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting.

I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

It's a good mirror.

So, what are you getting?

I don't know. What can you eat?

You can't have anything anymore.

Look at this. Look at this.

Eggs, out.

Coffee, out.

French fries, out.

B.L.T., out.

I go to visit my grandparents.

They're eating big brisket sandwiches.

I'm sitting there with a carrot.

They're closing in on 100.

I'm saying to them, "How can you eat that stuff?"

I'm so sick about losing that choose.

I'm so sick about losing that choose.

You don't know. I--

All right. Forget it. Forget it.

I'm not taking the place.

What?

How can I live there? Why not?

Look at you. You're still thinking about it.

I'll never feel comfortable. Oh, please. Get outta here.

How can I ever have you over?

You'll sit there moping.

I won't mope.

You're already moping.

Would you take the place?

No. Impossible. It's your apartment.

You found the place.

You won the choose.

All right. Forget it.

It's over. I'm not moving.

Well, me neither.

Definitely? Definitely.

All right. Then just get rid of it.

You won't have any problem.

No, it's not a problem.

I can get rid of the apartment

this afternoon.

What apartment?

Oh, it's a great place.

It's a two-bedroom, West 83rd,

about a half block from the park.

What's the rent?

I hate housewarmings.

I hate housewarmings.

I don't know what we're doing here.

This is ridiculous.

She wanted to thank us for the apartment.

I can't believe I lost the deposit

on that U-Haul,

and I threw out my couch.

If only the coin hadn't hit the table.

The table is interference. You know it.

It is not. It is too.

My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Carol.

I just wanted to introduce you

to my husband.

This is Larry.

This is George, Elaine and Jerry.

These are the guys who got us the apartment.

You don't know how grateful I am.

If there's anything I can ever do to repay you--

I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place.

It's a dream.

LARRY: I'm running in the park now.

I've lost weight.

We're barbecuing every night,

and the rent is unbelievable.

We're really glad for you.

We're really glad for you.

Couldn't be happier.

It's wonderful.

Oh, Diane.

Diane, come here.

This is my new next-door neighbor, Diane.

Hi.

These are the guys who turned this place down.

Can you believe it?

Diane gave me the greatest back rub today.

She's a masseuse.

How could you guys have turned this place down?

It's such a great location,

and it's so close to the park.

and it's so close to the park.

Yeah, we're aware of the proximity to the park.

It's--

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

How late are the stores open?

I'm thinking of maybe buying a new TV

and smashing it over my head.

So I get a call from Gilmore this morning, and get this--

They're restructuring the organization in Atlanta,

and I gotta be there on the first of the month.

Really? What are you gonna do about the apartment?

Well, what can I do? I'll give it up.

[IN UNISON] What's the rent?

[♪]