Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, I hope my breakfast is ready, man, I'm starving.

Say, what're you looking at?

There's somebody out there in the yard.

Well, find out who it is. Maybe it's a customer.

No, he's not looking at the merchandise,

he's looking at the house more like the police

look at the house.

He's doing more snooping than looking.

Let me take a look.

He doesn't look like a policeman to me.

Maybe he's a bill collector.

Well he came to the right place.

Well, if he comes to the door, find out what he wants.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

I don't care what he wants,

so I just ain't going to open the door.

Hey, Pop, will you get the door?

We're closed. There's a junkman strike.

Hey, man, are you going to get the door,

or do I have to come out there and do it?

All right, all right.

Mr. Sanford? Fred Sanford?

You must have the wrong address.

I'm looking for Fred Sanford

and the sign out front says Sanford and Son.

Oh, that's two different people.

See, that's Fred Sanford and Sanford Andson.

See, Sanford is the first name and Andson is the last name.

Eh, who is it, Pop?

Oh, this is my son, Lamont.

Lamont Andson.

What're you talking about?

Can I help you?

I hope so. I'm looking for a Fred Sanford.

That's him.

Then you are Fred Sanford.

Mr. Sanford,

I'm with the firm of Cornwall, Phillips, Bishop and Shapiro.

Say, son, this may be some kind of racket, son.

Next thing he'll tell you he's Shapiro.

Pop, at least wait and listen to what the man has to say.

Thank you.

My name is Lester Barrington,

and I was to try and track down Fred Sanford.

I'm here to inform Mr. Sanford

that his Uncle Leotis Sanford died.

I don't know no Leotis Sanford.

And to tell him that he left him 1,500 dollars.

Uncle Leotis is dead?!

Pop, I didn't know you had an uncle named Leotis?

Are you kidding? That was my favorite uncle...

Come in Mr. Shapiro.

Barrington.

Barrington? Oh, the beard fooled me.

Say, why were you beating around the bush?

Why didn't you come right out and say

that my Uncle Leotis he died and left me

1,500... I mean died and left this world?

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I didn't know you had an named uncle named Leotis.

Yeah, I did.

He was my favorite uncle

and he liked me better than he liked his own kids.

According to my information, Leotis Sanford had no children.

Uh...

Yeah, that was Uncle Ernest.

Yeah, see, all uncles look alike to me.

But Uncle Leotis was the athlete of the family.

Yeah, he was fast as Jesse Owens.

Now wait a minute.

I remember you talking about a Leotis Sanford

that had a club foot.

Is that the same one?

Yeah, and if it hadn't been for that club foot

he'd of been faster than Jesse Owens.

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I'd like to extend my sympathy.

While you're at it...

would you like to extend my money?

I'm afraid I can't.

Your money is in St. Louis.

Huh? What's my money doing in St. Louis?

Well, Mr. Sanford,

because your uncle thought so much of you,

it was his last request that no one but you

take care of his burial arrangements.

When you complete this requirement,

the money is yours.

Well, can we put him in the ground today?

Well, no. Burial plans are being held up until you approve them.

So, may I suggest you leave for St. Louis

as soon as possible.

Say listen.

Couldn't they ship Uncle Leotis out here to the West Coast,

he'd love California.

And smog wouldn't bother him at the cemetery.

I'm sorry.

My instructions were to get you to St. Louis.

Here is the address and the man you are to contact

when you get there.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Barrington.

We'll try and get out as soon as possible.

And I'm sorry my father gave you a little trouble at first,

but he's a very suspicious man.

I understand. Well, good day.

Thank you very much.

How about that, Pop?

Fifteen-hundred bucks and all we got to do

is go to St. Louis and pick it up.

I can't believe it.

Me either. Leaving me all that money.

I haven't seen Uncle Ulysses in 30 years.

You mean Leotis, don't you?

Yeah, I ain't seen him in 30 years either.

Look here son, you come on over here to the phone

and call the train station

and find out what time we gotta to leave.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop, the train ain't gonna get it, man.

You heard what the man said;

we've got to get there as soon as possible,

now that means we've got to fly.

Fly?

You mean on an airplane?

No, on a Frisbee!

Of course on an airplane.

Uh-uh. I ain't getting on no airplane.

That's dangerous.

Pop, do you realize it's more dangerous

driving on the freeway than it is flying on an airplane?

And I ain't taking no freeway either.

I ain't flying. Forget it. Just call me a choo-choo.

Hey, Pop, flying is fun, man.

Haven't you've seen those commercials:

"Hi, I'm Jackie, fly me to St. Louis."

Okay, you fly, give me Jackie,

and we'll meet you in St. Louis, Louie.

Pop, you've never even been on a plane before.

Or a plane crash either.

And you're 66 years old.

And gonna live to be 67...

Well, what makes you think the plane is gonna crash?

How come you gotta look for the worst in everything?

Because the last time I hoped for the best, you were born.

No airplane. That's out.

All right, we're gonna mess right around here

and blow $1,500.

That's $1,500, Pop.

I know you don't want to take a chance on losing that.

And also, I don't want to take a chance on losing this.

Pop, this is the 20th century, man. Everybody flies nowadays.

It's the same thing as taking a bus.

I ain't never heard of nobody skyjacking no Greyhound.

Oh, come on, man... Well, you read about it

in the paper everyday, don't you?

Everyday you read about somebody hijacking something.

We might wind up in Turkey or Poland

or one of them primitive places

and wind up catching some Oriental disease.

Listen, Pop, you go upstairs and pack the bag,

and I'll call the airline.

Wait, a minute, son.

Wait a minute, don't call.

Wait a minute, please.

We gotta make reservations as soon as possible.

I'm so broken up over Uncle Leotis,

if we don't fly, I'll have enough time

to pull myself together.

A train or a bus would take too long.

Now we either fly or we don't go at all.

Now, I'm gonna call the airlines.

Wait a minute, son. Wait a minute.

I'm beginning to feel bad.

You'll be fine once you're up in the air.

In the air? How high?

H-h-h-how high?

How high they go up?

About 30, 40,000 feet...

Oh, I feel a big one coming.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

In a 747.

Dallas is now ready for boarding.

Passengers please proceed...

Excuse me, is this the way to flight 195?

That's right.

Would you walk right through here, please?

Say, what's this thing?

That's a metal detector, sir.

Yeah, that's to stop people

from sneaking weapons on board the plane.

I ain't got no weapon. I left my knife at home.

Yeah, well you gotta go through it anyway.

You go through first.

Thank you. Next please.

You didn't get no shock or nothing, did you?

No. Now would you walk through there?

Sir, would you step right over here

for just a moment, please?

What's wrong? What's the trouble, officer?

Well, this gentleman had a very high reading on the machine.

Sir, do you have any metal objects on you?

No. I don't have any.

Lester, please.

What's that thing there?

It's just a portable metal detector, sir, it's harmless.

He's just gonna pass it over your body.

Watch that stuff!

Sir, would you empty that pocket please?

Why? Come on, Pop.

Stop wasting time, man.

A crucifix... A St. Christopher's Medal...

A star of David... A crescent of Islam...

and a Buddha... And a mojo!

What do you need all these things for?

It's flight insurance.

Deep down here on the ground I'm a Baptist,

but up there I ain't taking no chances.

Can we go now?

Yes, you can go right through that gate there.

Look at this, why... You don't want me to have...

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Hi, are you Jackie?

No, I'm Carol.

Oh, we were supposed to fly Jackie to St. Louis,

but I guess we'll fly you, Carol.

Here's our seats, Pop.

You wanna sit next to the window?

No, there ain't nothing out there I want to see.

Good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon.

May I have your name and destination please?

Lamont Sanford and I'm going to St. Louis.

Thank you.

Is your companion asleep?

Hey, Pop, open your eyes,

the stewardess wants to ask you some questions.

Is she pretty?

What difference does it make?

I'm not just gonna open my eyes to look at somebody ugly.

She's very pretty.

Are you Jackie?

No, I'm Susan.

Hey, Pop, just answer the questions, man.

May I have your name and destination please?

Uh, Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

Hey listen, honey.

Can't me and you go somewhere and sit somewhere

alone just me and you, by ourselves, together?

So in case the plane crashes, I'll be smiling.

Pop!

He's only kidding.

No I ain't.

Well, I'll be back a little later, Mr. Sanford.

You can call me Fred, darling.

I can't take you no place.

You're not satisfied unless you're embarrassing me.

Good afternoon,

ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome aboard our flight 195 to St. Louis.

At this time we ask you to make sure that your seat belts

are securely fastened

and that you extinguish all cigarettes

and observe the no smoking signs.

Thank you.

Hey listen, will you put that cigarette out?

Can't you read the sign?

Talking to me?

Uh, no, excuse me...

Can't you read the sign

that tells you to put the cigarette out?

So put it out!

Sit down and relax there, moose.

Would you just sit down here and mind your own business?

This is my business.

You think I want to be blown up in this plane

Just because that idiot over there

can't read the sign?!

You all right, moose.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time,

I'd like to point out some of the safety features

of this airplane.

Located in the compartment above you is an oxygen mask.

I don't see none.

In the event there is insufficient oxygen

in the cabin, it will drop down automatically.

Simply place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth

and breathe normally.

Would you sit down!

You're supposed to be seated when the seat belt sign is on.

Let me go! I want an oxygen mask.

Listen, there's an oxygen mask right up here and it drops down.

Now sit down! What if it don't drop down?

What if it gets stuck up there?

I want me an oxygen mask!

For your safety and convenience,

please note the locations of the emergency doors

and windows that are located

throughout the plane.

They are clearly marked.

Hey, we got a emergency window?

No, Pop. Emergency windows have "emergency" written on them.

Well, why don't we have an emergency window?

If everybody else got an emergency window,

I want an emergency window too.

Hey, I want an emergency window and an oxygen mask.

You want an emergency window too and an oxygen mask?

Make that two emergency windows and an oxygen mask.

That's what I want.

Pop, would please sit down and stop making trouble?

Lamont!

Lamont!

What? The plane is moving.

No kidding. Now just relax.

The plane is just taxiing onto the runway

so we can take off.

Now just relax, all right?

Why do we have to take off?

Why can't we just taxi right on into St. Louis?

We're already on here now, Pop, so just relax.

Listen, suppose I have a heart attack.

Can I get out of here?

It's too late, Pop, we're already on the plane,

now just relax.

Oh, I ain't gonna make it.

Would you stop that?

Everybody on the plane is staring at us.

What the hell's wrong with you, you ain't you never seen

no man have a heart attack before?

You can watch me have a heart attack if you want to, moose.

Sir, are you alright?

Yeah, he's fine. You see, um,

this is his first trip, and he's a little nervous.

See, I'm going to St. Louis, and I'm taking my father with me.

Yeah. He's taking me to join my dead uncle.

Well, perhaps you'd like something to drink.

What would you like?

I'd like a fifth of Ripple.

I beg your pardon?

We'll both have champagne.

That's good, champagne and Ripple.

We'll mix them together that's my favorite...

I call it Champipple.

We'll just have champagne, thank you.

Well, here are your menus.

When I come back with your drinks,

you can tell me what you'd like for your entrée.

I don't need this, honey, I know what I want.

Give me some neck bones and black eyed peas,

can of sweet potatoes, and some collard greens,

and some peach cobbler and a side of zucchini.

And a bowl of gravy.

I'll explain it to him. Thank you very much.

Onion gravy!

Pop, would you just relax.

Now look, there's a lot of nice things on the menu here, okay?

Now look at this: you got steak over here,

you got lobster, you got Cantonese duck...

A lot of nice things on here.

Look, this stuff cost so much,

they don't even put the prices beside it.

No, Pop, we're flying first class, man...

we get our choice of any of this stuff for free.

See, you don't get that in second class.

We can eat any of this stuff here for free?

Our choice.

Then I won't be needing these.

I won't be needing these chicken wings.

What is that?!

I told you, it's chicken wings.

Would you put those things away!

No, maybe somebody can use them in second class.

Please, Pop! Please, no, please!

Hey, anybody back here want to buy some chicken wings?

Chicken wings, fool!

I just hate to see some wings go to waste.

Just sit down here and behave yourself, please?

Behave yourself?

You ain't my daddy; I'm your daddy.

You don't tell me what to do.

Well, somebody's got to tell you what to do,

because you don't know how to act in public.

Listen, you keep talking like that

I'm going to put my foot right in your...

Ah, gentlemen, come in, please.

Have a seat.

Did you have an enjoyable flight?

Yeah, it was Pop's first flight,

but everything turned out all right.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, how did you like it?

It was all right. I spent most of the time in the toilet.

Oh, were you ill?

No. I just got done, and I was on my way out

and this sign flashed on and said: Return to seat.

So I sat back down.

Uh...

We tried to get here as soon as possible, Mr. Menton.

I hope we're not too late.

No, no, you're just fine.

Uh, Mr. Sanford, your uncle must have

thought a lot of you to entrust

this responsibility to you.

Yeah, poor Uncle Leotis.

Hey, Lamont, we've got to give Uncle Leo

a real nice send-off. Nothing but the best.

Can we see him?

In a minute, Pop.

Now what about the arrangements, Mr. Menton?

Well, since I wasn't sure when you would arrive,

I took the liberty of inquiring into suitable arrangements,

I was sure you'd want your uncle

interred as expeditiously as possible.

Yeah, and we ought to try and get him buried too.

I beg your pardon.

Nothing.

You did the right thing.

Yes. Well, I've itemized a list of things like the burial plot,

coffin, headstone, mortuary fee.

With all the prices of course.

And if these meet with your approval,

We'll have them confirmed

and set by tomorrow afternoon.

A copper colored coffin,

a cement and marble headstone.

Uncle Leotis always was a sharp dresser.

Can I take a look at that, Pop?

Yeah, everything seems to be in order.

Good, good.

In that case, then there's just a little matter of a check.

Your uncle's gift to you.

Yeah, just think.

This'll be the last thing I ever get from Uncle Leotis.

Thank you.

And thank you, Uncle Leotis.

Wherever you are.

Mr. Sanford, if you'll just endorse the check over to me,

I'll take care of everything.

Thank you.

I'll just take this into my secretary

and then we can get right off to the funeral home.

No, wait a minute.

I thought you were going to cash this check.

Cash it?

Uh, no, didn't the man who that contacted you

in Los Angeles explain the situation?

Yeah, he said I had I had a neat 1,500 coming,

and if you ain't going to cash the check,

just give it back to me

and I'll cash it when I get back home

at the liquor store where I trade.

I'm afraid you've been misled.

You see, this money wasn't intended for you to keep.

It was intended for you to use for your uncle's funeral.

What?

What're you talking about, Mr. Menton?

I'm talking about your uncle's will.

And this is in accordance with it.

Yeah but after we finish paying for all of this,

we'll barely have enough to cover the price

of the plane tickets.

Well, this was all your uncle left.

And he wanted his favorite nephew

to use it for his funeral.

I'm glad you agree you wanted the very best for him,

because that's exactly what I got. The very best.

Excuse me, will you?

Wait a minute, man.

You believe that?

We flew all the way here to St. Louis for nothing?

Come all the way out here to St. Louis, just to sign a check.

I'll be damned.

Well, I guess it's something we had to do.

Come on, Pop, let's go pay our last respects to your uncle.

I don't want to see that clown.

Pop!

I knew there was something about that chump

I didn't like.

He had one good eye, and that one was sneaky.

Come on, Pop, show some respect.

The man just died.

One less ugly person in the world.

And he was ugly.

He looked like a fried monkey in the face.

Had a old peanut-shaped head.

Every time it rained,

he had a big puddle of water in the middle.

I thought you said he was your favorite uncle.

Are you kidding?! I didn't like him or his mama.

Well, there's nothing we can do about the money now, Pop.

So just cheer up, at least you got a chance to take

a free trip to St. Louis, man. Cheer up, Pop.

Elizabeth, honey,

if a clubfooted, sneaky-eyed, guy shows up there

with a peanut shaped head with a puddle of water

in the middle of it, that's Uncle Leotis.

And honey, don't let that clown in.

Please honey, shut the gate on that clown.

What a drag. What a drag.

We came all the way to St. Louis for nothing.

My luck ain't been this bad in my whole entire life.

Are we going to go through that again, Pop?

It was your Uncle Leotis' final request that

you to take care of the final arrangements.

I could've phoned in those arrangements.

Well, it's already been done, and we're on our way home,

so just relax, okay?

Hey, do you want to sit next to the window?

I don't want to sit over there,

with my kind of luck I'd fall out.

I smell chicken.

Hey, maybe we're going to have chicken for dinner.

Oh, no, this is probably what you smell.

Gimme that. Don't tell me you still got these chicken wings?

I'm gonna ring for the stewardess

and have her throw these out.

No don't do that! You might get hungry

on the way home from the airport.

Yes, may I help you?

Yeah, oh, hi, are you Jackie?

No, I'm Wendy. Do you want to see Jackie?

Jackie's on this plane here?

Yes, she is... Jackie!

You hear that? Jackie's on the plane.

Jackie's on this plane here that we on!

I've been trying to find her all the times...

Jackie's on this plane! Hi, I'm Jackie!

I'm going to the toilet.

Sanford and Son

is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.