Original subtitles

♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Excuse me.

Is your father a thief?

Oh, God. Please don't tell me

you're about to use that crap line

about stealing stars and putting them in my eyes.

No, really. There's an old man in here

who looks a lot like you who stole my watch.

Oh. Well, that could have been my mom, actually.

- She's got a really short haircut these days. - She sounds great.

- She is. - I'm Ben.

- Vivian. - Seriously?

Yeah, "Ben" has so much going for it.

- Are we flirting or fighting? - I don't think we're fighting.

- Then I'm sitting. - Okay.

Where... (Air hisses)

(Clears throat)

- Look, you're down there now. - Yeah.

- I'm gonna get back up. - You should.

- You know, you actually look very familiar to me. - Well, I once was miss America,

until they stripped me of my crown.

- I'm still pretty upset about it. - Yeah, no. That's not it.

I think it's because you look like an owl. Yeah.

How far can you turn your head around?

You know, I don't know. Is this how people fall in love?

- What are you drinking, Ben? - Ernie...

Two fingers of chablis. Keep 'em coming.

Actually, just bring me that one, and that'll probably be it.

(Blows raspberry)

I thought after we ended our "friends with benefits" thing,

you were gonna try to have a real relationship.

This was a real relationship... a fully satisfying,

real relationship that lasted six hours.

So now it's over? I don't get it.

If you had so much fun, why don't you call her?

I find that second dates

often lead to things like feelings and cat allergies

and having to pretend to care about her thoughts on the rain.

So you're really not gonna see her again?

Never.

Ah.

And when I say never, I mean, there she is right there.

(Whispering) Okay. You create a diversion,

wave your arms around, and I'm gonna tiptoe back to my office.

I think everybody can hear me right now.

(Men) ♪ Mr. sunshine ♪

♪ Yay ♪

Good morning, Ben, Alice!

I'd like to introduce you to my new assistant, Vivian kornelly.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, because that's what we're doing right now

for the first time, meeting each other.

- Because we've never met before... each other. - I'm gonna jump in here.

Hi. I'm Alice. What happened to Frances?

Sadly, her medical leave came to an unfortunate end.

- Oh, my God. She died? - No, she had a full recovery, but the experience

made me realize life's too short, so I fired her.

She was a pain in the ass.

Vivian, you know, you look awfully familiar to me.

- Doesn't she look familiar to you, Ben? - No, she does not, because I think

we've established that we've never met before.

This is the first time we've ever met each other... each other.

- I just have one of those faces. - She does. She has one of those faces.

You can see it right in the front part of her head.

Yeah, uh, well, both of my parents

had faces in the front of their heads, so...

Eh. I thought this was gonna be more fun.

Vivian's only been my assistant an hour,

and my life has changed.

She's completely untangled my schedule.

This frees me up to finally enjoy my life a bit.

I have the perfect metaphor in mind... Nelson mandela.

That is the perfect metaphor. You're so great at metaphors.

And now I'd like to introduce you around

so that when people need something from me,

they'll know to come to you, like a raise or a stapler.

Don't give anyone a raise or a stapler.

(Mouths words)

Hey, Alonzo. Can I store my stuff in your office?

Ooh, Dave, uh, it's not a big space to begin with.

- I'm a veteran. - No, you're not.

No, I'm not. I'm just a man dressed as a puma,

looking for somewhere to store my stuff.

You know, like the saying.

(Groans)

Okay... a couple of days.

What...

Uh-huh.

No, no, dude. Ten more seconds.

♪

Hey, mom. Could you take me to the dentist on Thursday?

They're gonna knock me out,

and I need someone to drive me home.

Of course. I have more free time now,

- and that sounds just like something a mother would do. - Thanks, mom. You're the best.

You've stopped making me feel as ill at ease as you used to.

I'll see you Thursday at 4:00?

Thursday at 4:00.

(Clatters)

Hey. I'm Travis. I'm 50.

You're Frank and mysterious. I want to hear more.

I want to jump my bike over you. What are you doing right now?

Owning this arena. What are you doing?

I'm doing a half-pipe this Thursday at 4:00. Interested?

I'll be there. Wait.

Do I have something Thursday at 4:00?

Whatever it is, Vivian can handle it. I'll be there.

Uh, why didn't tell me that you worked here?

Uh, why didn't you tell me that you were going to work here?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize that my new secretary gig

would impress the ambassador to... what was it, Jamaica?

- That was a joke, mon. - Well, what do you want to...

- I mean, how do you want to handle this? - Uh... well...

Okay.

Well, last night was great, and you are terrific,

but we work together now, so maybe we should

just leave it at that. I'm not looking for anything serious,

you know, other than my diplomatic responsibilities.

Okay, well, that's what you're proposing,

and this is what I'm proposing.

- You've thrown me up against a wall. - I have.

So you and I... we continue hooking up whenever we want,

wherever we want, with no strings attached.

You want to talk about your parents? Find somebody else.

You want to talk about your feelings? Find somebody else.

What if I want to talk about my feelings about my parents? Um... find somebody else.

- I'll find somebody else. - And we don't check in with each other,

we don't text each other, "x-o-x-o."

- No holiday cards. - Ugh.

- No flowers. (Blows raspberry)

This is great. This is my speech.

I have given this speech, like, a thousand times, but nobody's

ever given it back to me. This is a beautiful moment.

We just have sex anytime we want.

I'm in.

- How about right now? - Oh, I gotta go fill out some H.R. Paperwork.

Oh, that is important.

Hello, Vivian. Quite an event we had last night.

I don't know. I'm not too into bmx freestyle.

No, not that event. The other event.

Although I suppose we could have sold tickets.

Well, we did forget to close the blinds,

so I'm sure my creepy neighbor caught most of it. Man or woman?

- I would love to know. - Well, you're doing fine work here.

Did you eat my yogurt?

I did. Because if you mark it,

"mine. Don't touch. Mine. Don't touch,"

then I'm going to eat it, because I think that's funny.

What's happening? You're acting weird... and happy.

I saw Vivian last night... And again this morning,

and maybe later in the zamboni garage.

Yeah, I got it.

We're amazing together. We both like the same things,

we both make fun of the same things,

we're both very, very attracted to Benjamin bratt.

She's perfect. Well, this sounds like more than just sex.

It does, doesn't it? What about all the horrible things that can happen

on second dates... feelings and cat allergies?

E, e, that's the thing about Vivian.

None of that stuff happens

because we're exactly the same person.

Except thankfully we're both very different downstairs.

Rrrm!

(Chuckles) So what are you saying? You're together now?

No, no, no, except yes.

Yes, just Vivian doesn't know it yet, but she will.

Wow. This is a really big deal for you, Ben Donovan.

You're kind of in a relationship.

I am kind of in a relationship.

A super-secret, one-sided relationship.

I'm awfully proud of myself.

- Whatcha doing? - I'm... I'm ababeling your mom's drawers

- so she knows where things are. - Mm.

Just a little heads-up... never go into this drawer.

Why not?

Just don't go in the drawer, okay? It will change you.

- It changed me. - Hey, do you know where she is?

Yes, she is, uh, dodown by the half-pip,

flirting with some guy who rides bicycles for a living.

Can you hand me that pencil?

I hope the personal nature of what I'm about to ask you

does not make you uncomfortable.

Roman... (Stammers) We just met.

(Whispers) I need a ride to the dentist.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, I...

Yes, I will take you to the dentist.

I just... I thought you were about to.

Like, drop your pass and make me look at something.

Hey, man. Is this a good time to bring my stuff in?

Sure.

Amen, brother. Bring it in, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

Look at you.

You're sexy.

Danger is sexy.

I'm into you big-time.

Yeah? I hurt myself all the time.

So do I.

You know, this is just like when I was a kid.

My mom would get involved with a guy,

and I'd spend the days with her secretary. Yeah?

Yeah... oh, it wasn't bad. Instead of one mom, I had seven.

And an Asian dad. His name was Bret wong.

My mom... she wasn't really there for me, either,

so my therapist said that I should tell her how I feel.

Did that work?

Mm-hmm. It felt really good to get it off my chest.

You know what? Hmm?

- I think I'm gonna do that. - Good for you, Roman. You should.

Um, don't tell him or anything,

but you are running circles around Bret wong.

Get outta here.

Oh, God.

What's that smell?

He has two puma suits... one that he wears

and one that's... Always drying out.

Ugh. You are being way too nice.

I think that's because he knows you never get angry.

Sometimes I wonder if you even know how.

I know how to get mad.

I just choose different ways to channel my emotions.

People are always taking advantage of you.

It frustrates me, because I know on some level,

it's got to bug you.

Babe, how is it any different than when we exchange back rubs,

and you make me go first and you fall asleep,

and I'm just lying there all naked and tense?

Well, that is different.

You have to do that. I'm your girlfriend.

(Scary music playing)

Hey, Ben? Yeah.

I just want you to know that if I ever became a zombie,

you could definitely shoot me in the head.

- And what if you weren't a zombie? - Oh, then please don't.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. I gotta go.

What? Oh. Uh, yeah.

I mean, it is a little late.

You could stay if you wanted to.

Nah, I'm good.

The only reason I'm saying that is, there's been a lot of, uh,

wild dogs in the neighborhood.

I'd hate to see you taken down. You know, by the wild dogs.

Ben, you remember the deal, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was just worried about the wild dogs.

(Gasps)

(Gasps)

Vivian. What are you doing here?

Um, I-I was just looking for the bathroom.

That is so funny. I just came from there.

That is funny.

(Both chuckle)

I mean that's not... it's not "ha ha" funny, but that is funny.

Oh, hey, did you ever talk to your mom?

No. Uh, yeah, uh, well, I was going to,

but she just seemed so happy with that guy.

When the time is right.

Mm-hmm. Hey, I got an idea. If you're gonna spend the night,

you want to make waffles in the morning?

Oh. Yeah, I'm... I'm actually not spending the night.

Oh. Okay.

Uh... I could.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yes, I-I am gonna spend the night.

Great. (Giggles)

Oh, uh-oh.

I almost saw your tushie. (Giggles)

I'm gonna stay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Roman asked me to.

He's just so sweet, I can't say no to him.

Yeah. I mean, how do you say no to Roman?

He's got such a sweet face. Thank you, Roman.

(Roman) You're welcome, Ben.

I'll go shut the door.

Is there any more coffee?

Yeah. Do you need more coffee? Sure.

This is incredible. She will do anything for you.

Listen, buddy, I need you to do me a favor.

It's a little complicated, but...

- Will you ask her to spend the day with us? - Well, is it because

you want to advance the casual "friends with benefits" thing

in a much more substantial relationship with her?

Okay, so it's not that complicated,

but will you do it? Will you do it? Will you d...

Hey, Vivian. You want to hang out today?

You know, maybe go to the park, hit the arcade?

You know what?

That actually does sound pretty fun. Sure.

Okay, great. And maybe later some of us can take a jacuzzi.

Aw, I'll go get my bathing suit. I got it in Europe.

Wait. What does that mean?

♪

(Cheers and applause)

Hey, I'll tell you what. I'll grab some popcorn.

Why don't you guys meet me up in my box?

Ooh! And I'll get some balloons. (Laughs)

Hey. So how's it going?

Fantastic.

Does your girlfriend know she's your girlfriend yet?

Well, I try not to talk about stuff like that,

but we did have an amazing day together,

and I'm thinking about stepping it up.

- I just gotta make sure that Roman's free. - If you have feelings for her, you should tell her.

Yes, that would be the next logical step,

but if you think about it, how hard is it gonna be

to keep Roman around for the rest of our lives?

I mean, what's that guy got going on? Nothing.

(Man) Ladies and gentlemen,

let's bring all eyes to the top of the arena

for 1987's overall champion, Travis Wilson.

(Cheering)

Travis will perform his signature stair launch

from the top of the arena.

He's set...

He's off!

(Boing)

He's airborne...

(Wheels spin, crash) Oh!

And... he's misgauged it.

Travis!

Are you okay?

Hey. Did you see me?

You were awesome.

Oh, honey, when I was halfway down, flying through the air,

right before I hit my head hard on the concrete,

I thought about you. It's time for me to give up this dream

and start a new one... with you.

Yeah. Travis, I don't... come back with me to Portland.

I'll work on my father's bread truck. You can raise my kids.

Ow. All you have to do is get me to the dentist first.

(Gasps) Travis,

I would love to share your doomed and impractical dream,

but I can't. Someone needs me more.

(Slaps arm) Take care of him, fellas.

Well, that didn't go very well.

Roman.

I'm sorry I chose another man over your teeth.

But I-I feel awful, and I ended it with Travis.

I'm through putting other men ahead of you.

I won't let you down again. Okay, sweetheart?

- No. It's not okay. - I'm sorry, what?

Based on our past, I just... I can't believe you.

It's just, you can't say that anymore.

All right.

I won't say it.

And I'll... start...

Trying to do it.

Okay.

So what do we do now?

I was just gonna go grab another beer.

Well, that sounds like

something a mother and son can do together.

(Both giggle)

(Groans)

- Oh. You go ahead. - Ah, cool.

That was so great. I am so proud of him.

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna hit it.

Wait.

Uh, just because Roman left

doesn't mean we can't still hang out.

Ben, come on. You know the deal.

Okay, listen, I'm just gonna throw all my cards on the table.

I know when we first met we both wanted the same thing,

but, uh... (Chuckles)

I want more.

Ben, I... wait, wait, wait. Just... just hear me out.

Six months ago, I was the kind of guy

that would run screaming from any of this, but I changed.

And you are so much like me, that you could change, too.

I just think about the great day that we had today.

The fun, the laughs, you got to see two

pasty white guys in a jacuzzi... I mean, that's pretty fun.

That was... that was fun. The thing is, that I meant

what I said about not looking for a relationship.

Sorry.

Yeah. Sorry, too.

So unfair.

Well, I'll be okay.

No. I mean that I'm gonna have to get another job now.

- What? Why? - Because... you've ruined everything.

It's gonna be all strange at work now.

You're gonna pretend like everything's fine,

and then I'm gonna look over, and you're gonna be giving me,

like, weird, wounded looks. And then you're gonna get

a little too drunk at an office party,

and you're gonna grab my boob, and I'm gonna have to sue you,

and then you're gonna end up punching my dad in court.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless we just pretend like this conversation never happened.

We go back to the...

The sex-with-no-strings- attached... thing.

Can you do that?

(Ball bounces off door)

I saw her leave. How you doing?

I'm good. I'm okay.

- You sure? - Yeah.

I mean, she said

she wasn't looking for anything more when we met,

so technically she didn't do anything wrong.

And yet, I hate her. And it makes me angry

when I think about her stupid, beautiful face.

Maybe she just wasn't ready, and you were.

Yeah, that could be it.

I mean, it couldn't possibly be me, right? I'm fantastic.

I'm sorry you put yourself out there and she said no.

- That blows. - Yeah, it does. It does blow.

You want to know something else? I turned down meaningless sex.

I mean, that's the dream. What the hell's happening to me?

Well, as much as you hate this,

and in spite of your best efforts, you are growing up.

There are seven melted raisinets in my pocket right now.

Listen to me. You wanted more.

You were looking for something real.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, did I...

Ever make you feel like this?

Me? No. I was fine.

Really.

Really?

Really.

Do you think that I look like an owl?

Oh, my God. That's what it is.

Uh! Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Disco music playing) All right, boys. Here we go. Let's go.

Hey, fellas? I have a ton of work to do, so if...

(Turns music off) So if you don't mind wrapping it up...

I'm stuck 2 grand. I can't walk away now.

I'm gonna buy myself the finest cakes in all the land.

Pies and cakes? Yeah, pies and cakes.

Where's my tiny rake?

- What? - For my zen garden. My tiny rake is gone.

Oh, that thing. Yeah, I had some itchy dry skin on my inner thigh

that was driving me nuts. Then I dropped it down my suit,

and who knows where the hell it is down there? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, buddy.

I'll give you a 30-second head start.

Hey, man. Calm down.

This doesn't involve you, brother.

Go.

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