All language subtitles for Happily.2021.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hello?

Are you OK in there?

Fuck yeah!

Hey, guys.

I really gotta pee

and there's two jackasses
in the bathroom

- screwing around.
- That'd be Tom and Janet.

Yeah, you're better off
peeing off the balcony.

- Really?
- They'll be a while.

- Just... great.
- There's good.

So, they've done this before?

Yeah, every time they come here.

What?

I mean, who am I to judge
a young, dating couple

and their hormones, right?

- They're not young.
- Yeah, and they're not dating.

Are they newlyweds
or something?

No, they've been together
14 years.

Fuck off! Are you serious?

You're trying to tell me that
a couple that's been married

- for 14 years...
- Arthur!

This is Tom and Janet.

Oh. Arthur, is it?

It is. Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi. I'm Janet.
I'm his wife.

- Cool.
- We've been married 14 years.

- I'm sorry?
- Oh, when you walked up

you were saying something
about a couple

that's been married 14 years?

I don't... I don't think I was

actually, I was maybe misheard.

- Arthur and I work together.
- Oh, really?

God, that must be so much fun.

Yeah. It's fun as shit.

- Unfortunately, we have to go.
- Oh!

Thank you for the invite.
It was a great party.

- Drive safe.
- Bye, guys.

Yeah.

Safe drive for you.

They're pod people.

- They're going home for round 2.
- What?

That was just the pre-fuck.

- Bullshit!
- Nope.

It's gotta be an act.
I don't buy it.

I guarantee you,
those people are just

as miserable as everybody else.

I fucking love you.

I fucking love you, too.

Hey. Karen texted me.

They wanna get dinner tonight.

You OK with that?

Sure.

Hey, babe?
Can you make me an omelette?

Sure.

Hi, baby.

You cleaned!

And you did all the laundry.

Just trying to make
things easier for my girl.

Oh...

- Long day?
- Ugh!

Mm-hmm.

I expected that.

A massage for me?

I didn't treat you right
this morning.

Oh, that's OK.

I never should have asked you
to make that omelette.

I could've made that omelette.

Oh, babe.

Now, how about you lie down
on the bed

and I'll make you feel better?

Well, there's another way
you could make me feel better.

And that is...?

Oh, hey.

Did you get any writing
done today?

Oh, yeah.

I finished a chapter.

Oh!

I'm so proud of you.

Man, I'm hungry.

Oh, me too.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

Dinner!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Sorry we're late.

We lost track of time and, uh...

You know how it is.

Yeah. No, no, we don't.

Oh! I could eat
the whole fucking menu.

Some bread?

Thank you. Dinner was great.

We need to talk
about this weekend.

Oh, yeah. We are very excited.

Thank you for inviting us.

It's gonna be great to get out
of town for a little bit.

What is this?

That is your deposit.

I don't understand.

Uh, it seems that's there's one
less room than we thought, so...

Less rooms?

Yeah.
We're just one couple over.

We're really sorry
that we have to do this.

Oh, no! It's no problem at all.

We can... we'll sleep
on a couch or anywhere, really.

- We're easy.
- No, no, no, no.

You guys...
Too much money...

Don't worry about the money.
We're fine.

- OK, well, I think...
- Everyone hates you.

What?

Nobody hates us!

Why would they hate us?

Cos you're
a fucking nightmare.

You really don't get it, do you?

OK. Tom, before
they brought the food out

you slipped a napkin
over to your wife.

Maybe.

Did you write something on it?

No.

Janet, you were texting
during dinner, right?

I don't know, I...

I would have to check.

It was your husband,
wasn't it?

I'm sor... Uh...
What was the question?

We have tolerated
this ridiculous behaviour

for so long

but we can't do it anymore.

Ridiculous behaviour?

Oh, come on.
You never fight.

You're always so happy,
always in love.

You can't keep your hands off
each other

for five goddamn seconds,
and it's just so weird.

We love each other.

I mean, isn't that what people
who love each other do?

You're fucking Martians, OK?

Is this how
the whole group feels?

- Yes.
- 100%, yes.

One thousand per cent.

Two thousand per cent.

Uh...

I can see that you guys
are upset.

But if you're unhappy

or there's something wrong
with your marriage

that's not on us.

I love my wife.

She loves me.

She's my best friend.

I enjoy her company.

And I'm never gonna apologise
for that.

We are not the weird ones.

You just grabbed his dick,
didn't you?

What? No.

I dropped...
I dropped something.

I did.

Babe, we're not the weird ones.

- No.
- OK? They're not happy.

That has nothing to do with us.

You're right. You're right.

- We're cool.
- Yeah, totally.

This is the way marriage
is supposed to be.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

We're not... Martians.

Mmm.

Oh...

I love you.

Nicely done.

And...

coffee.

My Martian.

Maybe we could go see
a movie tonight

after I get home...

Uh, hello.

Can I help you?

Yes, ma'am.
I work for the city.

Is there a problem?

There's a matter
I need to discuss with you

and your husband.

Well...
Can we do this later?

I'm on my way to work.

We cannot.

But I promise it will only take
a moment of your time.

OK.

Come on in.

So, you work for the city?

I do not.

- Oh, but you...
- I did say that

but I don't.

It was the only way you'd
let me through the front door.

We are prepared
to take full responsibility

for our mishap.

- Mishap?
- Yes.

I think we're gonna need some
kind of an explanation here.

You see, every few years

we encounter someone with a...

defect.

But two people
with a malfunction

that...

that is what we call a rarity.

The law of diminished returns

is a biological
defense mechanism.

Perception and enjoyment
taper off as time goes by.

This is by design.

It is a primary element
of your survival.

- Design?
- Survival?

Yes.

You two, both of you, are...

missing this mechanism.

Bullshit.

You have sex every day

2.5 times a day on average.

I'm talking about
traditional intercourse.

I'm not even including
oral pleasure

or various forms of foreplay.

You rarely fight

and when you do, you forgive
each other almost immediately.

I could've made that omelette.

And I'm talking about
actual forgiveness.

No accumulated resentment.

No passive-aggressive behaviour.

Sir, I don't know
who the hell you are.

Now.

Ah.

Your problems...

end today.

After the injections

you will wake up tomorrow
just like everyone else.

You'll feel exactly
like everyone else.

Oh, and we are also prepared
to give you

a financial compensation

as a token of our apology.

I'd like you to leave our house.

Afraid I can't do that.

Yeah, I'll throw you out
the goddamn door.

- That will not work.
- Then we'll call the cops.

There's nothing
they can do here.

There's nothing anyone
can do here.

We operate on a higher level
of authority.

If you need a minute or two
to process this information

that's perfectly acceptable,
but...

please understand, this

is a good thing.

You will finally be normal.

This is fucking lunacy.

Are you OK, sweetie?

Why don't you go get
a glass of water?

I don't understand.
Do we have to take the shot?

- We don't have a choice?
- No.

You do not have a choice
in the matter

and I'm not leaving
until I inject both of you.

I didn't know what to do.

I forgive you.

How to get rid of a dead body...

Here we go.

"He became a person of interest

when the police found
his search history."

Number one...

chopping up a body.

- I don't wanna chop up a body.
- No.

- Seems difficult.
- Yeah, I won't do that.

OK. Number two...

acid.

- How would that work?
- I don't know, but remember

they did it on that episode
of Breaking Bad.

- Oh.
- Ew.

- No.
- No, that was gross.

Body soup.

I think we're
over-complicating this.

You OK?

I...

I did this.

It was self-defense.

Yeah, but it...

It was self-defense.

- OK.
- OK.

OK.

Somebody is going
to come looking for him.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do.

And I don't want to be here
when that happens.

Where do you wanna go?

I don't know. Anywhere.
I mean, literally anywhere.

Oh, my God.

- Should I?
- Go ahead.

Hi, Karen!

I just wanted
to call and apologise.

I think we may have been
a little harsh last night.

Thanks.

Look, if you guys
are still interested

in getting out of town
for the weekend

we'd love for you to come
on the couple's trip.

Uh, I...
That sounds great.

We would love to.

Perfect.

I'll text you the address
and the code for the front gate.

Amazing!

See you tomorrow. Bye.

Is this a good idea?

You said anywhere.

Someone's gonna come
looking for him, right?

- Yeah.
- Evidence.

Oh, shit.

Because he was never here.

- Holy shit.
- What?

What is it? What's wrong?

- Holy shit.
- What?

It was a prank.

What was a prank?

The whole thing.

The guy, the briefcase.

Someone was fucking with us.

Think about it.

One of two things happened.

Option one...

Some guy
from a mysterious organisation

shows up to our door
with a briefcase

and a big speech
about how our marriage

is some kind of accident

or option two...

one of our friends
thought they would be funny

and send some guy,
probably an actor, to our door

with a ridiculous speech
about how our happiness

was some kind of malfunction.

I mean, which scenario
makes more sense?

Oh, my God, it was a prank.

- It was a fucking prank.
- Yeah.

And we killed him.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

That's why they re-invited us.

He never called.

And they knew
that something went wrong.

What are we gonna do?

We have to pretend
like nothing ever happened.

We can't seem suspicious.

- He never showed up to our door.
- Exactly.

Who do you think it was?

I don't know.

It could be Val and Karen

Patricia, Donald

Carla and Maude, Richard.

I don't...
it could be everybody.

There's only one way
to find out.

- Code?
- Oh, yeah.

3-9-2.

- And then you push pound.
- Yeah.

It's just a regular
couple's weekend.

- Right.
- Yeah.

We're here to have a good time.

Sweet good times.

Someone's already here.

- You recognise that car?
- No.

Hey! The first couple
has arrived.

- Hey!
- Well, besides me

and dumbass Donald.

How did we land a place so nice?

Oh, five couples
is the magic number.

This shit's expensive,
but we split it

five ways and we get to spend
the weekend in style.

- Is, uh... Is that your car?
- No.

No, the Lexus is in the shop.
That's just the shitty loaner.

Oh, no, I like the...

- I like the... colour of it.
- Mmm.

Nobody likes that colour, girl.

That car is trash.

Let me show you
round the nice place.

Donald went for a swim.

- There's a pool?
- And a hot tub.

- Who wants a tour?
- Oh, I do.

Here's the living
room and the fireplace

and the bar where we're all
gonna get hammered later.

I even saw some puzzles
if you're into that

kinda nerdy thing.

Look at these doors.

It's like we're in a goddamn
sci-fi movie.

Wait. Whatever happened
to MTV Cribs?

I feel like I'd be great at it.

We are all
interested in the future

for that is where you and I
are going to spend

the rest of our lives.

And there's a screening room.

- Cool!
- Wonder what movies they have?

Oh, this black and white one

Hudson Hawk and The Adventures
of Ford Fairlane.

Here is the kitchen.

- I mean, check this out.
- Wow!

Built-in
espresso maker.

Oh, my God.

Fancy microwave.

Camouflage refrigerator.

Yeah, this place is great.

This is the sink.
Tom can take a bath in there.

- Like a bath tub.
- I mean, the stove

isn't as good as the one
in my house but this'll do.

Oh, maybe Val will cook for us.

No, he said he doesn't wanna
"work on vacation".

I was like, "Fuck you, Val.

Make us something delicious,
man!" Chefs suck.

Any room on this floor is yours
for the taking

except for the master,
because I found this place

I call dibs.
Them's the rules.

- Oh, how about this one?
- Oh, no, that's not a bedroom.

- What the hell?
- Oh, uh, yeah.

The owner of this house
is a big game hunter.

Rich people love
to shoot things.

Who am I to judge
the wealthy, huh?

Shall we find you guys
a real bedroom

that you can sleep in?

So there's a gun room?

Is there a strange room
filled with guns?

Yes.
Is that normal?

Probably not.

But let's focus on the positive,
shall we?

We are in a super cool mansion.

There's a pool,
there are puzzles

there's automatic doors.

What else could you want
in a house?

We're gonna have
a killer weekend.

Hella nice, am I right?

Like I said, it'll do.

You're telling me this
isn't the master bedroom?

No, they're all this big.

Hey, um, not to get too serious

but I'm happy that you're here.

I'm glad they changed
their minds.

Oh, so... you didn't vote us
off the island?

No, somebody's gotta
have your back.

It wasn't a unanimous decision?

You know what?
Who cares about all that drama

right now, right?
Like, it's party time.

It's not drama time.

Hm.

I'll let you two get situated.

I know you need
your private time.

We're not gonna have sex.

Uh-huh.

If it was a prank, I don't think
Patricia was a part of it.

She was perfectly normal.

What about me?
Was I perfectly normal?

What do you mean?

I mean, was it obvious
that I killed a guy

and buried him in the woods
last night?

You didn't give off
that vibe at all.

Awesome.

What about Donald?

Maybe you should go
have a chat.

See if he goes on
the list of suspects.

I'll suit up.

That's why I play percussion.

Just gonna send this email
and then I will be

completely ready.

That's OK. I got it.

Sure? You got yours?
OK. I'll grab mine.

OK.

It's nice.

Yeah.
It's really nice.

- They did good.
- Yeah. They really did.

Is that their fucking car?

- Hey!
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Um...

I thought you
uninvited them.

Carla, Maude,
good to see you.

- Hi!
- Hey!

Oh, my God.
It's great to see you too.

Oh, wow.
I'm so glad you made it.

Well, I'm gonna go to the pool.

Just to be clear,
it's not great to see them

and I'm really not glad
they made it.

That was clear.

How's it going, Donald?

Forgot you guys were coming out.

Yeah, we made it.

Enjoying the pool?

Yeah.

Can I have one of those beers?

Can I have one of those beers,
Donald?

Sorry, man. Yeah. Sure.

Thanks.

Psych!

Good one.

You got me.

Oh...

Your husband's in a good mood.

Oh?
Was he being a shit?

- You could say that.
- I'm sorry.

That seems to be
his default mode lately.

It's not about me?

No.

No. He just hates the world
and everyone in it.

Trust me.

You guys doing OK?

Was the Hindenburg OK?

Hey, Don-Don.
You enjoy the pool?

Who the fuck is Don-Don?

Figured I'd give everyone fun
nicknames for the weekend.

Can I get a different one?

I don't know if I can
deal with Don-Don.

Nice tits, bro.

To be continued.

Something's going on
with Donald, but...

I don't think
it has anything to do with us.

What about Carla and Maude?

Oh.

I mean, they were
not happy to see me

but I don't know
if that means anything or not.

Is Richard here yet?

Not yet. I guess
he's bringing his fiancé?

Oh! That'll be nice.

- I like Lucile.
- Not Lucile.

I think he got a new one.

Really?
When did that happen?

I don't know.

I guess her name is Gretel?

And she's in a band.

Tricia told me she has, like,
500,000 Instagram followers.

Hello.

We have to pretend like

everything's perfectly normal,
right?

Well, obviously,
it's the most important thing.

Hmm. Well, we have been here
for two whole hours

and we haven't fucked yet.

Hmm.
Someone might get suspicious.

The law...

deception... deception...

I could've made
that omelette.

What if we aren't normal?

Are you OK?

What if...

maybe...

maybe this is weird.

Maybe we are weird.

Maybe there is something
wrong with us.

There's nothing wrong with us.

Do you know what this is?

What? What is it?

This is love, baby.

Oh...

Yeah, you...

Remember where you left off?

Think so.
Alright, my head was here

and I was doing this.

Hey, I was
expecting you guys hours ago.

Yeah, we had some...
complications.

Is everything alright?

It will be.

Richard. Gretel, is it?

- Did you guys carpool with them?
- Yeah.

Patricia, uh, there's something

in the back of our car

I think you're gonna find
interesting.

Mother of God.

Yo! Everybody's here
and Val brought

some motherfucking pizza!

I guess Val brought
some motherfucking pizza.

Could you help me with this?

Thank you.

Ready?

Ready.

So he says to me

"There's something
in the back of my car

you might find interesting."

- Gross.
- And yeah, I know.

He's basically
taunting me, right?

But I go anyway even though,
like, I have no clue

what's gonna be in there,
knowing this guy

it could be
a fucking python or like

I don't know, a dead body maybe?

Oh, stop...

Let me say this
for once and for all.

It was a medical cadaver

it wasn't a real
dead body, OK?

- It was...
- OK.

Well, like, you know,
knowing Val and his antics

- could be anything.
- Wait.

What do you mean
fucking Val's antics?

- What're you talking about?
- Are you telling me

you don't know about
your husband's hobbies?

- No. I don't.
- Just stop.

OK. This guy basically
traumatised me in college.

I may have dabbled
in a prank here and there.

- Oh, gross.
- Here or there.

If I were to describe you
in one sentence from back then

it would be "the guy
who pranks people."

You were...
you're the prankster.

That was a long
time ago, OK?

I have changed.
I am an adult, OK?

That's not me anymore.
I don't do that.

Didn't you tell me
about a time that Val

had, like, an FBI agent come
to your college or something?

Oh, my God!
Yes, I almost forgot about that.

Wait. An FBI agent?

- CIA, technically.
- Oh, technically!

Yes, yes.

So this guy
comes to class

all official, like,
badge and everything.

Yeah.
He says Val needs to help

with some secret
government project.

Yeah, he needs to take him
away immediately

and he needs to finish
his test at a later date.

There's no way that worked.

Mmm. It worked.

You know that might be
the only prank of yours

that wasn't, like,
mean-spirited.

Do you think
of yourself as a sociopath

or psychopath?

Are you kidding me?
Look, I didn't do anything

that's mean-spirited.
That was a joke.

- It's a joke.
- Val.

You can't just like revisionist
history this whole thing.

I was there, OK?

I got PTSD from all the shit
you pulled.

OK.

She's exaggerating, OK?
It was not that bad.

- No. I'm not exaggerating.
- It's not a big deal.

Well, I'm not a fan of pranks.

I think they're sadistic.

Alright.
I'm gonna put some tunes on.

Take this party in a less
introspective direction, OK?

Can't wait to see
what kinda music he puts on.

Hey, guys.

He has worse taste in music

than the jet
from the movie Stealth.

My friend,
we cannot keep this a secret

any longer...

- Val?
- I think so.

- Karen?
- I don't know.

Well, maybe you should
go outside

and bum a cigarette from her.

I don't smoke.

Desperate times, honey.

Maybe you should smoke.

I don't wanna smoke.

- OK, I'll smoke.
- OK. Good.

But just be smooth.

Duh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You got an extra?

Since when do you smoke?

Since all the time.

OK.

I just want you to know
there's no...

hard feelings
about what was said at dinner.

Oh, you mean the other night?

That's awfully big of you.

It's your fault, you know.

What is?

Things don't have to be
awkward between us.

It's not awkward.

We haven't had a real
conversation since Thanksgiving.

She never would've known.

You had to be so noble,
didn't you?

I would never do that to her.

- But you've done it before.
- We dated for a week

when we were in our 20s.
I hadn't even met Janet.

- But we had sex, didn't we?
- What's your point?

My point is exes hook up
all the time.

It doesn't even really count
as an affair.

It does in my book.

Your book is fucking stupid.

Don't you ever want
something different?

Don't you ever get sick
of the same pussy?

You're talking about my wife.

- This is not appropriate.
- Fuck appropriate.

Tell me the truth.

Do you really still enjoy
having sex with her?

- Of course.
- How?

Because she's my favourite.

Barf.

Look, you got stuff going on

I've got stuff going on.
I got a bunch...

Do you?
Do you have stuff going on?

- Got a bunch of stuff I'm...
- What are you working on?

It's...
Let me know if it sucks

but, like, a restaurant for cats

- right, and their owners.
- Right. Yeah.

Purr-fect.

Business seems to be good.

Yeah, I mean, the expansion
was entirely Maude's idea

so I can't really take
credit for that but...

The restaurant with no name.

And no menu.

So, you... you and Richard?

Seems like it's going good?

No, my Richard is terrible.

Oh, your fiancé Richard?

Yeah, he is a terrible person.

What about your relationship?
How's that going?

Good.

No, dude. Honestly...

- that sounds like a great idea.
- Fight Club the Restaurant.

First rule of Fight Club
the Restaurant?

Make a reservation.

You're not gonna get drunk

and play your saxophone again,
are you?

No.

Oh, my God.

What? What's wrong?

This is Armageddon.
This is the end of all things.

We are out of fucking booze.

Oh, no.
That's not a big deal.

- The fuck it isn't, Janet.
- No, it's just

isn't there a store close by?

Yes, but it's closing soon

and none of us
are in any condition to drive.

Well, I haven't had
anything to drink.

You're shitting me.

No, I could totally do
a quick booze run.

Janet.

You're a goddamn hero.

Go with God, Janet.

And bring back
all the booze.

All of it.

- Gretel?
- Yeah.

Uh, I was just...
I'm gonna go on a booze run.

Did you wanna come?

Could I ride shotgun?

Yeah, totally.

Uh...

You set?

Hey, do you mind
if I ask a question?

What's your deal?

Oh, I ate a whole bag
of weed gummy bears.

I'm extremely high.

OK!

That makes sense.

What do you think?
You have a preference?

- The duck one.
- Huh.

We operate on a higher level...

of authority.

We operate...

on a higher level...

...of authority.

Hey.

- What are you doing?
- Oh!

Uh...

nothing.

Everything's fine.

Hey, is everything alright?

- I saw him.
- Who?

I saw the dead guy.
Our dead guy.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure as shit.

And he wasn't dead?

More like the exact opposite.

- Where was this?
- At the store.

- At the grocery store.
- Maybe it was just

someone who looked like him.

- It's $322.12.
- Hang on.

- Here you go!
- Gracias.

Look, we buried
a guy in the woods.

Look, I am on your side.
I got your back.

You know that.

I'm just considering
the options.

And if you say you saw

a dead guy walking around
a grocery store

then you saw a dead guy
walking around a grocery store.

- I believe you.
- Thank you.

I don't know,
maybe you're right.

Maybe it is just stress.

I just had what you could call
a confirmation.

He's alive.
He's alive as fuck.

Have you been here
the whole time?

I have.

- Do you know where Patricia is?
- Are you still talking to me?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Have you seen Patricia?
- Why?

I need to borrow her set of keys
for the house.

Why do you need a set of keys?

I accidentally
locked our door upstairs

and I need to get something
from our room.

Oh, well, I have an extra set.

Oh, great.

Can I borrow them?

Door's not gonna unlock itself.

What do you say,
you and I go upstairs

- for a quick...
- Oh, great, OK.

Make sure I get those back!

What was that, honey?

Nothing.
I wasn't talking to you.

Fuck you, gun room.

- Keys?
- Thanks.

One of these days, we will fuck.

Ah.

Do you hear me?

- Are you OK?
- Yeah. Are you OK?

- I was just worried about you.
- No. Everything's fine.

- Take a deep breath.
- OK.

I realised something.

We've been doing this all wrong.

But now I know
what we need to do.

What?

"When you try to avoid conflict,
you create conflict."

- Who said that?
- I don't know.

Bruce Lee, maybe?

We've been trying to play it
cool and see who knows what

but that's not
getting us anywhere.

It's time for us to put
our dicks on the table.

Hey!

Which one of you
knows about this shit?

My puzzle!

Oh, sh... I'm sorry, man.

I spent four hours on this thing
and you just...

Fuck!

Sorry, man.

Does this briefcase
look familiar to anyone?

Nope.

No one?

W-what's going on here?

Oh, what?
Even Captain Prankdick

over here is gonna pretend

he's never seen
this briefcase before?

Really? Prankdick?
Thank you.

The hell is going on?

Yeah, I think
we're missing some things

- like, all the things.
- Mm-hmm.

You're all really gonna act
like you have no idea

what we're talking about?

Uh, yeah.
Maybe because we really don't.

Hey, here's a thought,
why don't you guys

just stop being so goddamn vague
and explain yourselves?

They don't know.

Um, yeah. I would say
it's pretty fucking obvious

we have no idea
what you're talking about.

Do you wanna let us in?

Well, I guess we better
tell them everything.

Woohoo!
Story time!

But I need a drink.
And I'm also so tired.

Can we please sit down
in the living room?

OK.

Not fully sure why we needed
to see you act all of that out

but I do think
we're all caught up.

A-ha! I knew it!
No one is that happy naturally.

Wait, you don't actually
believe this shit, do you?

I think you guys
are full of shit.

I mean, there's no way that
actually happened, right?

- Come on!
- Come on, dude.

Tom and Janet
are a lot of things

no offense,
but they're not liars.

I mean, if it happened

that doesn't necessarily mean
that shit does anything.

Anything could be
in those syringes.

- It could be Ecto Cooler.
- Wait, you guys.

You're focusing on
the wrong fucking thing here.

They killed somebody.

Well, I understand
how you would think that

but he's not dead anymore

so... I didn't really
kill anyone.

Yeah, I'll be honest,
I'm feeling a little weird

about the whole murder part too.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know
if it's murder per se.

I mean, look,
you got a weird dude

he comes in your house
with, like, big needles

that's a tough situation.

I say it's more like
self-defense, you know?

Maybe I would do the same thing.

- I said "maybe."
- Alright.

So, you have this briefcase

with these syringes in it,
all day

but you don't say anything
until now? Why?

W...

They thought you did it.

What? No. Me?

Yes!
Or somebody in this room

- but most likely you.
- OK. Yeah, yeah.

I, um, I sent a guy
to your house

and made him give you,
like, some Twilight Zone speech

about your sex life?
Guilty.

Uh, yeah. That sounds exactly
like something you'd do, right?

- No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does.

- OK. Screw you, Patricia.
- Alright.

Screw you, Captain Prankfuck.

Well, it was Prankdick,
actually.

Yes. That is much better.
Captain Prankdick!

You think your friends
would do something

that fucked up to you?

It was made very clear
that you all have a problem

with our marriage
and how we make you feel.

I don't have a problem
with your marriage.

Babe, I mean, don't lie.

I'm not lying.

We complain
about these people all the time.

Yeah, everybody
talks shit about everybody.

That's just life.

That's just how it works
but wasn't I the only one

who was upset
when you uninvited them?

Yeah, OK.
Yes. That's true.

See? There you go.

Look. The question is,
what do we do now?

OK, well...

Like Donald said, I mean

none of us actually know
what's in these things.

Yeah.
Could be horse piss.

Yeah,
it could be horse piss.

I mean, how do we find out?

Does anyone know a scientist?

Oh, I do.

You do?

What do you want?

Jesus, Arthur,
what's with the hostility?

You guys seem to be
having a great time.

I told people not to post
pictures on social media.

I didn't want anyone
to feel left out.

Oh, that's so great of you.
Thanks.

Alright. Relax.

Listen,
it's a couple's trip, Arthur.

Oh, so I'm penalised
because my wife left me?

You know what? Never mind.

I was calling to invite you

but if you're gonna have
an attitude about it...

No. No, no, no. No.
I'm sorry.

Um, I just got hurt feelings.
That's what happened.

So, I would love to come.

Alright. Wonderful.
I'll text you the details.

Great. That means a lot.
Thank you.

Um, one more thing.

Do you have a microscope?

Yeah, of course
I have a microscope.

Alright. Arthur's too fucking
high to drive right now

so he's gonna get up
really early in the morning

and he's gonna be here
first thing.

He's gonna bring his microscope
and after breakfast

we're gonna look
in the syringes.

Great. So, what do you say,
maybe we call it a night?

Everybody get some sleep.

You wanna get some sleep?

There is a guy stalking you
who will not die.

How are any of us
gonna get any sleep?

Oh, chill out,
you friggin' baby.

We're in the safest place
on Earth.

This house is a fortress.

Let me show you. There are
motion sensors outside.

There are sensors
on all the doors.

There are sensors
on the windows.

Alarm system activated.

No one
is getting in here tonight

without us knowing about it.

Yeah, well, I don't know
about all of you guys

but I don't personally
feel comfortable

sleeping in the same house
with a couple of murderers.

Oh, fuck off, Carla.
Why would anyone murder you?

Chill out, Patricia.
Alright, that's rude.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe there are plenty
of reasons to murder you.

If you're that worried about it,
lock your goddamn door, OK?

Anybody else have any issues?

Great. Then I'll see you all
tomorrow morning.

Maybe Val
will make us breakfast.

You can make
your special poached eggs.

Actually, I don't like
to cook on vacation.

- Oh, my God...
- What?

For me...

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go downstairs.
Do you want anything?

Oh, would you get me
a glass of water?

You know, it's all starting
to make sense now.

All that romantic talk
and your morals

it's all bullshit.

- It's not bullshit.
- You're lying to yourself.

You didn't turn me down
because she's your "favourite."

Goodnight, Karen.

Sweet dreams.

We don't have to do this.

What, have to?

We don't have to
keep up appearances.

Oh.

OK.

Uh, did you bring me that water?

I forgot.

Do you think anyone suspects us?

No, I think we're in the clear.

Right?

Maybe.

No.

- Honey?
- Go back to bed, sweetie.

OK, honey...

- Why?
- I was curious.

Why should we wait
to see what's in it?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife.

Are you sure about that?

Because I'm feeling
some interest.

This is wrong.

We don't have
to keep up appearances.

Remember?

- Hey, how'd you sleep?
- Not now, Karen.

Sorry.

That was not there yesterday.

Do you know
how much sugar is in that?

When is the scientist dude
getting here?

- Patricia.
- We don't know.

Patricia.
How did you find this house?

On the internet. On Airbnb,
like everyone finds a house.

Can I see
the confirmation email?

- Dude, what is your problem?
- What's going on?

Where did you take that?

It's in the living room,
above the fireplace.

- What?
- Where did you get this house?

You wanna...
You wanna just tell them?

Mmm.

I was looking for a house

for this weekend on the internet

and this guy from work
saw what I was doing

and he overheard that my husband
got laid off and he felt bad.

Look,
I lost my job six weeks ago.

We sold the Lexus.

We haven't been able
to pay our mortgage

now we're having what is
commonly referred to as

money problems.

He offered us his place.

And I thought,
"What's the harm?"

Like, this place is rad

and you guys
all wanted to, like

pay to have a good time
this weekend.

So what does it matter
where I got it from, y'know?

You took our money though?

Is this the guy?
Is this him?

Yeah. So?

He's the guy with the briefcase.

We're in his fucking house.

Oh, that's not good.

Well, he's watching us, so...

W-what do you mean watching us?

I just... I know
he's got cameras.

Where?

There's definitely a good view
of that couch over there.

Oh, shit.

Hey, guys.
Just a quick question.

Why the shit are we still here?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Let's discuss my fuck-up
at a later date.

- Great!
- Yeah.

- Hey, what about your stuff?
- Who cares?

We'll buy new shit.

- Maybe a little closer.
- How much closer?

- Don't hit it.
- Of course not.

I'm not trying to hit it.

It's how close I have to be
for the sensor to work.

It should be here,
like, the machine's...

I'm underneath. I'm at
the gate. There's no...

I can't go any further
without hitting the gate.

- Just try to back up.
- Back up and move up to it?

Didn't you feel
that there was just...

I just got the distinct vibe

there was gonna be some
weird sex game.

If we stay in there
one more minute

- we're seeing dicks.
- We're seeing dick.

Why are they honking at us?

We can't open the gate either!

- Won't open!
- Guys.

Gate's not working.

- You gotta move forward!
- Gotta figure out the gate.

We don't need to move forward

- or back...
- There's a censor!

I know that, Pat!

I want you
to move your car back

so I can move my car forward.

You have to go forward

- not backward.
- Is there a garage door opener

in the garage we could use?

That would open
the garage, dummy.

- Ugh.
- I'm gonna try to reset it.

Babe, don't touch it.

- Ladies, ladies, ladies.
- Can you not...

Ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies...

Gentleman, gentleman, gentleman!

Look, sorry.
I'm gonna hop this bitch.

Hey! Remember our conversation.

You're not allowed
to use that word anymore.

It's a special consideration
for the situation.

Is he breathing?

You OK?

Let's go. Let's go.
OK, let's go.

OK. Let's move out.

Guys.

- We're not getting out of here.
- What?

- Why isn't the gate open?
- I...

- What the hell happened?
- The gate's electrified.

- What?
- Is Don-Don OK?

- Who the fuck is Don-Don?
- Oh, fuck.

I forgot I was giving everyone
nicknames for the weekend.

I feel like I put my dick
in a socket.

- Everyone, stay calm.
- Whoa, whoa.

- You have a gun?
- It's not mine.

Then whose is it?

I got it from the gun room.

There's a gun room?

Yeah.

There's a gun room
and an electrified fence?

Patricia,
what a great vacation spot!

Well done. Zero stars.

OK. I made a mistake.

Get off my dick. Jesus.

I think we should
go back inside.

Uh, yeah.
That's not happening. So...

Jesus,
why would you have this?

Are you sure
you wanna do that?

Does anybody have a better idea?

OK.

Where the fuck
is all the furniture?

Where's Gretel?

The hell you been?

The bathroom, jeez.
Hold your horses.

You had everybody waiting,
and it's rude.

Now what?

You are all going to have a talk

and then this will all be over.

A...

a talk?

Wait. We just have to talk?

Yeah? Like, no weird sex shit?

There will be
no weird sex stuff, just a chat.

Well, that's good.

It's time for everyone
to be honest with each other.

I'm not going first.

I feel like everybody knows
I'm broke now, so...

Yeah, we don't have
any other secrets.

Do you have anything
you'd like to share, Tom?

Karen, how about you?

Can't think of anything.

Karen fucked my husband
last night.

Ooh.

OK.

Well, at least
you're not denying it.

That's not true.

It's fucking true?

She injected me in my sleep.

What, with the horse piss?

OK, I had sex
with Tom last night.

Fuck it. I'll admit it, but...

just to clarify, I didn't
inject you with anything.

What?

Who else would've done it?

You have keys
to the whole house.

Well, I also have a set of keys,
but I didn't touch your butt.

I stabbed you in the butt
with a syringe

but I didn't inject you
with that weird shit.

Alright? I'm not...
I'm not evil.

So, you stabbed him in the butt?

And then you just took it out
and put it away?

Hey, w...

I would never.

But you would.

Clearly, because you did.

How did you know?

Oh, I watched the whole thing.

I can't believe
you're doing this to me.

Oh, fuck off, Val.

"Fuck off"? Excuse me, alright?

You're gay.

I'm not gay.

Oh, you're not?
You're not gay?

Then why have you been
fucking your sous chef

for the past three years?

You thought no one knew?

Who else here knew about Val
and his sous chef escapades?

You're a bunch
of fucking assholes.

- And for the record, I'm bi.
- Oh.

Sexuality's complicated, man.

Is it?

And Patricia,
when the group decided

to un-invite us
from the weekend

you said you had our backs
and you voted against it.

- Is that right?
- Yup.

Yeah, that's right.
Because...

I like you guys
and you are my friends.

It was just for the money,
wasn't it?

Yes.

Jesus. So, everyone in this room
is just a liar, yeah?

I fucked Karen.

Oh, my God.

Karen, you fucked my wife?

A little.

When did this happen?

Thanksgiving. What is it?
Fucking...

Fuck.

Karen, you fucked my wife
on fucking Thanksgiving?

It was Tom's fault.

How the fuck was it Tom's fault?

I tried to get him
to have an affair with me.

I tried. I tried.

I fucking tried
but he wouldn't do it.

Oh, great.
So, I was second choice?

We do not have to get
into that right now.

You're the fucking worst.

Agreed.

Well, there's one couple
we haven't heard from yet.

Well, I know why we're here.

Your friend is an abusive

violent piece of shit.

And there's more but you can
use your imagination.

I made some mistakes, OK?

I'm trying to deal with it.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up. OK?

This is why we're here.

It's not about
what's in those syringes.

We're, like, mice in a cage.

He wants to take away
all our hope

and leave us with nothing.

Where are the cameras in here?

Uh...

I don't know.
I assume they're everywhere.

Uh, you wanted us to talk
and we talked.

I cheated on my wife.

Everyone's an asshole.

Patricia's a liar.

Richard's a monster.

I think we've talked enough.

You are done.

You may all go home now.

Drive safe.

I'd say that went pretty well.

What the fuck?

You guys did it in record time.

- When I first started...
- Oh, what now?

Are you gonna give us
an explanation for all this?

Well, don't bother.

Because I don't care.

I don't care who you are.

I don't care
if you're the devil.

I don't care if you're an angel.

I don't care
if you're from the future.

It doesn't matter who you are
or what you're trying to do

cos as far as I'm concerned,
you're just an asshole.

And you can go fuck yourself.

Let's go home.

I'd shoot you in the face

but it won't do much
of anything, will it?

I'm afraid not.

Feel free to cash the cheque
I gave you.

It won't bounce.

Hey! 14 years of marriage.

Yeah. That's us.

So, uh, where...
where's the party?

The party's over.

But I just got here though.

I don't know
what to tell you, man.

Shit happens.

Great.

Pull over. I gotta take a piss.

Did you just kill Richard?

Yeah.

OK.

Hey, have you met
our friend Arthur?

I don't think so.

Oh, he's a super nice guy.

- Yeah, I think you'd like him.
- Oh, yeah?

I can't wait to see the kids.

Neither can I.

I love you.

Hey, it wasn't all bad.

At least we got to keep
the money.

I think we earned it.

Hey, I talked to Maude
about a job at her company.

You did?

Hey.

We need new friends.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Hello?

Do you have your own home?

I really like this puzzle.

Oh, Francesca.

Reynaldo, my love.

Who would've
thought we'd have

such a happy ending?

No one, my dear.

No one but me.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull