Original subtitles

♪

YOUNG GRAMPA: Homer, get your lazy butt out of bed!

You're gonna be late for work!

(whoops) Going to work!

(early‐'90s hip‐hop playing)

Hey, what's the haps, pop‐diggity?

D'oh! What's wrong with you?

Can't you talk like a normal 55‐year‐old man?

You'll never understand hip‐hop, Dad.

I understand plenty.

You're wasting your life

trying to be some kind of "d'jay."

It's DJ, dad.

You'll see, I'm gonna have my moment.

Check your watch‐‐ it's Homer Time!

- (grunting) - (sneakers squeaking)

Where you going, Homer?

To my happy place.

All right team, the word of the day is "upsell."

Every medium pizza should be extra‐large

and every thin‐crust should be deep dish.

Mozzarella is money.

Do I make myself as clear as this Crystal Pepsi?

Ah.

Ah, pointless.

Okay, everyone, it's showtime.

Homer, plug in the band.

What's up, party people?

Put your greasy hands together

for the Razzle Dazzle Rockin' Rollin' Revue!

(gears clanking)

♪ A‐one, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, pizza ♪

♪ A‐five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, pizza ♪

♪ We're gonna pizza around the pizza tonight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're gonna pizza around ♪

♪ The pizza tonight. ♪

Oh, listen to that applause, Wakkety.

Those kids love pizza rock!

You suck, Yak.

Kids, I tell you, our pizza can't be beat.

Pizza can't... I... beat kids...

I beat kids. I beat kids.

(all screaming)

That robot's threatening the kids.

Everyone's leaving.

(exclaims)

Do something!

This is my moment.

("Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice playing)

♪ All right, stop ♪

♪ Grab a plate and listen ♪

♪ Yak is back with a menu addition ♪

♪ Regular toppings don't get the job done ♪

♪ Premium toppings get my mouth sprung ♪

♪ Slice, slice, baby ♪

- ♪ Sun‐dried tomatoes ♪ - Oh! - Ah!

♪ Slice, slice, baby ♪

- ♪ Canadian bacon ♪ - Whoa! - Yeah.

♪ Slice, slice, baby ♪

- ♪ Kalamata olives ♪ - Yeah! - Whoa!

♪ Slice, slice, baby ♪

- ♪ Premium toppings, yo ♪ - (all cheering)

You know what, instead of pepperoni,

let's get the Canadian bacon.

So premium.

♪ Sauce to your pizza. ♪

(kids cheering)

That was a heck of a show.

I was selling Nutzo Bread like it was Weirdo Wedges.

(whistles)

Say, instead of pizza versions of old songs,

we should be playing pizza versions of new songs.

Homer, I want you to create a whole new show,

ripping off the music you care about.

(gasps) All the Ices from Cube to T.

Thank you, Mr. Gunderson.

Guys, we got a lot of work to do.

I beat kids.

Beat kids. Beat kids.

YOUNG HOMER: Dad, tonight's

my big show at the pizza place. You're coming, right?

Son, I don't know quite how to put this, but

you're a fool and your dreams are garbage.

Now, get out of here before I say something I'll regret.

I'll show you who's a fool.

(grunting)

(mutters): Such a jerk.

(grunting)

(indistinct chatter)

Big crowd out there.

You guys are gonna be great tonight.

I know it.

That's okay, it's just nerves.

Dah, the place is packed.

This is why I went into business‐‐

to make money.

Homer Cool J Simpson presents the new and improved

Phuntime Phunky Phour!

♪ Whoomp, there it is‐‐ pizza ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is‐‐ pizza ♪

(cheering)

♪ Whoomp, there it is. ♪

Whoomp, who are you?

FBI. We're shutting this place down.

- This business is a front for drug trafficking. - (music stops)

Confiscate those robots.

But they're innocent.

You're just harassing them because they're rappers.

(grunts)

D'ope!

That cocaine isn't mine.

I never touch sweet, sweet booger sugar.

Let's all buy Beemers with hundred‐CD disc changers‐‐

they fill the whole trunk!

MTV, baby!

(cackling)

No, don't take my friends.

No!

(sobbing)

Told ya.

(sobbing)

And I never saw my robot friends again.

So... are we still

going to Ralph's birthday party?

Never! This is where my dreams died. (sobs)

I almost didn't get these cones,

and you know what, I'm glad I did.

(continues sobbing)

Homie, it's been three days since that terrible memory

came back, and you haven't said anything about it.

Oh. (short chuckle) That?

What a silly thing to get upset about.

I totally overreacted. It's all in the past now.

Oops, don't want to be late for work.

Love you. Love you all.

‐(door closes) ‐I can't stand

to see him like this.

What? Dad looks happy.

Something's deeply wrong.

He's missing his youthful spirit,

that spark that makes him who he is.

Did you see how he ate his breakfast?

He didn't shuffle his pancakes

like a deck of cards.

He doesn't air‐drum while driving

or race the dog in butt scooting across the carpet.

And he always won.

He's not my Homie anymore.

We didn't notice any of that.

(scoffs) A wife knows.

And a bartender. He's just...

he's just not the same.

He don't spin Barney around on the stool no more.

He don't drink beer from a crazy straw‐‐ just a sensible straw.

What are we gonna do about our little man, Midge?

We're just gonna have to love him that much more.

I didn't think that was possible.

(crying)

I'm used to seeing Mom upset about Dad, but Moe‐‐

that really shook me.

How do we heal the 14‐year‐old boy

who lost the thing he cared most about‐‐

rapping pizza robots?

What? It's a very Dad kind of trauma.

Well, if losing those robots screwed him up,

what if we somehow found them again?

Hmm.

Dad told us Gil used to be his boss,

so maybe Gil could help us.

And I know just where to find him.

("Hooray for Hollywood" playing)

Razzle Dazzle's‐‐ that was many lives ago.

I was top of the heap, making kids happy

with music and pizza.

My Dad said you were also selling drugs.

Ah, the drugs sold themselves, kid.

The whole world was my nostril.

Look, after you "went away,"

what happened to those singing robots?

Well, the FBI sold them at auction,

but I never lost track of my babies.

I'm gonna get those robots back,

and start a new kiddie pizza place,

then use that as a front to sell even better drugs!

‐(giggles) ‐Gimme that.

(gasps) This is it. They're all here.

Lis, we're getting the band back together.

♪ ♪

You can't take Jive Turkey.

He's the centerpiece of my priceless collection

of disco memorabilia.

For God's sake, Stuart.

Get rid of this stuff.

You've wasted your life on America's worst music craze.

I'm just glad your father, Doo‐Wop Steve,

didn't live to see this.

Hmm... Take him.

Thank you, Mrs...

Public Domain Debbie.

♪ On top of Old Smoky ♪

♪ All covered in snow. ♪

Please, Professor. This mechanical‐‐

what is it, a beaver?‐‐

it's the key to my husband's emotional recovery.

Aw... (mumbles)

Well, I understand that need to develop an attachment

to a piece of machinery to combat loneliness.

What do‐what do you say, boys,

should I... should I just let her have him?

Free him, you monster.

Free all of us.

He programs us to lose.

(alarm chirps)

Hmm. Why would I, a major local celebrity,

possess a robot from a defunct pizza parlor?

The very notion is absurd.

Oh, of course. I'm sorry, sir.

My mistake. Sorry to bother you.

Oh, uh, there is one more thing, sir.

I see that you go through a lot of this, uh,

mechanical oil stuff here.

Well, there's a perfectly logical explanation, Bartender.

I spray it on my rusty door hinges.

Oh, right, now I get it.

You don't want anyone to know that

a respectable gent like yourself

is using this here WD‐40

and this silk kimono

and this Enrique Iglesias CD

with your sex robot!

Oh, yeah, the yak.

I used him to test the Kevlar vests.

I liked the way he would sing about pizza

every time I shot him in the chest.

You're a little late, though. I just sold him to those guys.

(Bart and Lisa gasp)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where‐where are you going with that?

We're taking it to the new local offices of J. J. Abrams.

J.J. Abrams.

What's a big Hollywood director doing in Springfield?

Making the next Mission: Impossible.

Downtown Springfield's standing in for Somalia.

What does he want with this rickety piece of junk?

As a visionary genius,

J.J. needs to be kept in a constant state

of childlike wonder,

so we fill his creative space with kitsch,

whimsy, memorabilia.

‐(phone dings) ‐(all gasp)

J.J. needs a Garbage Pail Kids pinball machine

and a roll of 1982 quarters.

Go, go, go!

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're a cool, young,

brother‐sister directing team and we'd like to speak

to a low‐level executive about a vague idea we have.

Super vague.

Right away!

(gasps) There's the yak.

But how are we gonna get it out of here?

Step away from the kitsch.

What are you thinking, trying to steal from a Hollywood big shot?

That's like murdering a dozen normos.

Sorry, Dad. We thought it would make you happy

if we got your old band back together.

The Phuntime Phunky Phour? That's impossible.

I'll never see those guys... again.

Yak.

It's you.

MAN: What a touching scene.

I know just how to shoot it.

- It's J. J.! - Roll his calls!

Don't step on his shadow.

Oh, no, I'm wearing the same shirt as him. Aah!

- Hi, I'm J. J. - Homer Jay.

Sorry my kids tried to steal from you.

It's just that they were trying

to get this old robot back, so... so...

So they could reunite the entire animatronic band

to heal the broken teenager inside of you.

(all gasp)

How did you know my secret pain?

I didn't. My storytelling sense told me

this was the only emotionally cathartic end to your journey.

Master of story!

He's the ultimate architect of cinematic universes,

and my dad's friend.

Mm...

I need to see all the robots together.

Wipe to...

(gasps) Foxxy, Turkey,

Hippie, and Wakkety!

You're all here.

I've never seen such genuine childlike wonder.

And I've been to dozens of test screenings.

Homer, your emotional connection to these characters

has shown me that your journey can be

a universal experience,

- or at least Dreamworks. - What?

I have wonderful news: I'm gonna make these robots

the stars of their own nine‐movie franchise.

Buy the underlying IP.

- Done. You own it. - Fantastic.

Take them away. Take them?

But we just got reunited.

Oh, but I need them. My visual effects artists

have to scan them into supercomputers

so our mind‐blowing reboot will make its release date:

March 30‐‐ the new Fourth of July.

No! (whimpering)

(sobbing)

No! The same thing happened again,

but slightly different, years later.

It's what I do.

I had them back and I lost them again.

Homie, I know how hard this is for you.

I always say you shouldn't do this,

but maybe‐‐ just this once‐‐

you should go eat your feelings.

Six feelings with extra cheese.

An order of French feelings,

and a super chocolate frosty depression.

I also recommend a hot apple cry.

Yes, I recognize a fellow sadness swallower.

And then J. J. Abrams took my robots away...

so he could reboot them.

Why do Hollywood guys only want to make movies?

I used to be like you, getting angry at filmmakers

who ruined my favorite childhood characters,

stewing in silence. But now,

thanks to the Internet, I can fight back.

- You can? - Oh, yes, my friend.

It is called "trolling."

Thanks to social media super‐soldiers like myself,

studios spent millions to remove

Sonic the Hedgehog's creepy human teeth.

We changed the world

of video game adaptations I never saw.

Then I'll do it. I'll become a troll,

stop J. J. Abrams' reboot,

and save my childhood.

And now I'm eating a feeling

I've never felt before.

♪

Marge, I've done it.

The boycott is gaining momentum‐‐

the supportive comments are pouring in.

Three of them!

Homer, please. You've missed so much of your life.

Of our lives.

It's only a movie.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I have been

taking this nostalgia‐fueled vendetta too far.

‐(computer dings) ‐(gasps)

Pizza movie news alert.

Hey, Springfield. I'm inviting you

to come to the Aztec Theatre tonight for a special preview

of my new animated movie, Agents of P. I. Z. Z. A.

How dare he do what he said he was gonna do!

I paused just long enough for anyone watching

to say something. And now, here's a little...

"slice" of what you'll see tonight.

NARRATOR: They'll save the world in 90 minutes...

or the movie is free.

Written by Tony Kushner and Babaloo Mandel.

No. This reimagining

is worse than I could have ever imagined.

I've got to stop that screening.

(grunting)

There's only one person who can help my Homie now.

- Who are you calling? - No, don't tell us‐‐

it'll be cooler when we find out later.

(indistinct chatter)

Reboots suck and you're to blame,

make it different, but the same!

Thank you, loyal trolls, for joining me

in my passion project:

destroying someone else's passion project.

Yes, every fan deserves movies that are individually tailored

to their preconceived ideas.

Let's ruin everyone's night!

(applause)

Welcome to this preview of Agents of P. I. Z. Z. A.,

featuring the voice talents

of whoever was famous eight months ago.

(all quietly exclaiming)

But the real heroes are the thousands

of computer artists who worked around the clock,

slowly going blind, at such effects houses as

Dream Prison, Digital Sweatshop,

Indentured Server‐dudes, and too many others to count.

- Or pay. - MAN: Yeah!

And now, without further ado...

Did somebody ask for ado?

(all gasp)

Hey, Homer. Good to see you.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

This man took simple, beautiful animal robots

designed to sell pizza

and turned them into something crass and commercial.

Well, it's all over, J. J.‐‐

if those are your real initials.

I'm going to burn the only copy of this movie.

Actually, the movie's backed up on servers all over the world.

That reel is just a prop from the snack stand.

Oh. I wondered why it was buttery.

You can't release this movie. Changing those characters

- will ruin my childhood. - GRAMPA: Bullpucky!

(all gasp)

(grunts)

So that's who Mom called earlier.

So satisfying.

Son, a movie can't ruin your childhood.

I ruined it by being a terrible father.

- But the movie. - No, it was me.

I put you down, I never listened to you,

said your dreams were ridiculous.

Maybe it was the way I was brought up.

Men back then could only love sports stars

and auto makes.

I was a Chevy man and I thought that was enough.

The '63 Impala SS sport coupe‐‐

now, that was a son.

Of course. It's not the movie that sucks,

it was you sucking.

It was always you sucking.

I hate you, Dad.

ALL: Aw.

Homer, I know you were attached to the past,

but this movie‐‐ all 71 minutes of it‐‐

might help a new generation of kids

forget their terrible parents.

- Like us, Dad. - I want to forget so bad.

- Mm. - Go on, make your movie.

It's literally already done.

I guess the only time I'll see my friends now

is on the big screen.

Well, actually...

(gasps)

The band is back together.

I had them reprogrammed

to dispense frozen yogurt at the after party.

Goodbye, old friend.

You'll always be a part of me.

Ah...

COMIC BOOK GUY: To all who dare reboot a movie,

comic book, or TV show‐‐

you are being watched by Troll Force Five!

Mary Sue, who writes fan fiction starring herself.

"Harry Potter turned and said, 'Without Mary Sue,

I never could have brought Dumbledore back to life.'"

COMIC BOOK GUY: The Furry‐‐ the ultimate expert

on poorly‐rendered CGI hair.

That's not what it looks like when a bear sweats.

COMIC BOOK BUY: The Shipper‐‐ able to detect

romantic connections where, clearly, none exist.

-C‐3 -PO and Chewbacca are definitely a couple.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Stan, who can ruin anything

by loving it too much.

Together, we are...

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

And FORD. We go further, so you can.

♪ Your mother's got flavor, your father's got the flavor ♪

♪ Your sister and your brother and your cousins ♪

♪ Got the flavor, the flavor ♪

♪ Flavor that you crave so much ♪

♪ Flavor with boom, flavor that goes crunch ♪

♪ Tell me, who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ The funky hip‐hop ♪

(beatboxing)

♪ Feel the beat drop ♪

♪ Hour after hour ♪

♪ Sweet, nothing sour ♪

(neighs)

♪ Kick it like horsepower ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got flavor ♪

♪ I do, I do ♪

♪ Who's got... ♪

Shh!