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1
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,758
I always thought
the heart would be bigger. Hearts vary hugely in size, Frank.
2
00:00:13,778 --> 00:00:15,417
And who had the smallest?
3
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:19,270
Well, I would say it's probably
a toss-up between Hitler
4
00:00:19,271 --> 00:00:21,670
and whoever stole my golf clubs.
5
00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:26,629
Ah, Mr Servant.
6
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:28,590
Aye.
7
00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:32,548
How did things work out
with the extra leg?
8
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:35,190
In the end,
it wasn't actually an extra leg.
9
00:00:35,322 --> 00:00:36,401
Really?
10
00:00:38,201 --> 00:00:41,719
Was it, as I told you repeatedly,
a reducible hernia?
11
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,401
I think we were both right.
12
00:00:44,334 --> 00:00:45,372
What can I do for you?
13
00:00:45,373 --> 00:00:47,332
Tonight is the by-election debate,
14
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:49,734
a big show, live audience,
talk of the town,
15
00:00:49,735 --> 00:00:52,333
blah, blah, blah, blah.
16
00:00:52,334 --> 00:00:54,613
I need a little something.
17
00:00:54,614 --> 00:00:57,053
A little something?
18
00:00:57,054 --> 00:00:59,133
Francis.
Thanks, Bob.
19
00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:04,053
Yes, we require a pill or a potion
20
00:01:04,054 --> 00:01:09,693
that will make Bob's eyes
twinkle like pricey diamonds,
21
00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:14,733
make his hair look like he washed it
in a Caribbean waterfall,
22
00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:16,974
and that will make his voice go very
deep
23
00:01:16,975 --> 00:01:21,333
so he sounds like the man
who tells you about other films,
24
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:24,534
you know, when you go
to watch the films.
25
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,934
The debate's in two hours.
26
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:39,637
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
27
00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:41,134
Hey, Georgie!
28
00:01:55,694 --> 00:01:57,813
The problem wi' doctors, Frank,
29
00:01:57,814 --> 00:02:00,574
is they keep the best stuff to
themselves.
30
00:02:01,974 --> 00:02:04,134
Have you ever been to a doctor's
party?
31
00:02:04,135 --> 00:02:06,093
No.
Neither have I.
32
00:02:06,094 --> 00:02:07,893
I bet they're brilliant.
33
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:09,933
Oh, here we go.
34
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:11,653
Atletico Bell-end.
35
00:02:11,654 --> 00:02:14,333
So, you all set for the big debate?
36
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:15,572
Oh, is that tonight?
37
00:02:15,573 --> 00:02:18,412
Yeah, we're just throwing in a
quick five-miler, you know. Clear the head.
38
00:02:18,413 --> 00:02:20,892
Five miles?
I do that in my slippers.
39
00:02:20,893 --> 00:02:21,972
You're a runner?
40
00:02:21,973 --> 00:02:24,292
I ran to Aberdeen once.
You ran to Aberdeen?
41
00:02:24,293 --> 00:02:27,334
Sprinted. There was rumours
of a closing-down sale.
42
00:02:27,335 --> 00:02:29,133
OK.
Unfounded.
43
00:02:29,134 --> 00:02:31,294
Well, I look forward
to sparring with you later.
44
00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:33,533
I see!
45
00:02:33,534 --> 00:02:36,614
That'll be like the lambs
voting for Christmas.
46
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:37,813
Turkeys.
47
00:02:37,814 --> 00:02:38,854
You said lambs. Turkeys.
48
00:02:38,855 --> 00:02:40,493
It was lambs. Turkeys.
49
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,614
It sounded like
lambs over here, Bob.
50
00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:48,854
Et tu, Bruno?
51
00:02:54,254 --> 00:02:57,533
Look how strong he is, Bob.
52
00:02:57,534 --> 00:03:00,573
Oh, Frank, that's just gym strength.
53
00:03:00,574 --> 00:03:04,332
Out in the real world you need
what is known as street strength.
54
00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:06,252
OK, OK, that guy can lift dumbbells,
55
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,934
but can he shake trees
to get down scared cats?
56
00:03:08,935 --> 00:03:09,973
Probably.
57
00:03:09,974 --> 00:03:12,732
You see, that is
what they call street strength.
58
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:14,332
I believe you are looking
at joining?
59
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:17,092
Not so much joining,
just a wee kind of boost.
60
00:03:17,093 --> 00:03:19,252
Are you not the guy we caught
trying to steal tennis rackets?
61
00:03:19,253 --> 00:03:22,934
I wasn't thinking straight,
somebody stole my golf clubs, I just lashed out.
62
00:03:22,935 --> 00:03:24,733
Right.
Anyway, pal,
63
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:26,772
tonight is the big by-election debate
64
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,534
and I am looking
to get some work done.
65
00:03:28,535 --> 00:03:31,534
What kind of work?
Thank you, Bob.
66
00:03:33,134 --> 00:03:37,813
Right, Bob's arms and legs
speak for themselves,
67
00:03:37,814 --> 00:03:40,734
but can you have a wee look
at his stomach?
68
00:03:40,735 --> 00:03:43,933
There is no major cause for concern
69
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:46,854
but you might as well take
an inch aff for a laugh.
70
00:03:46,855 --> 00:03:52,773
Also, there would be no harm
in giving the thighs a wee tighten,
71
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:55,054
and taking ten years...
Five years.
72
00:03:55,055 --> 00:03:58,334
Er, five years aff his cheekbones.
73
00:03:59,414 --> 00:04:01,054
When were you hoping to see results?
74
00:04:02,854 --> 00:04:04,292
We've got an hour and a half.
75
00:04:04,293 --> 00:04:07,854
Minus travel time.
And we still need to have our tea.
76
00:04:09,534 --> 00:04:12,773
Forget the physical preparation,
Frank.
77
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:15,333
Mental preparation, that's the game.
78
00:04:15,334 --> 00:04:17,174
And it all starts with this -
79
00:04:17,175 --> 00:04:18,933
brain food.
80
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:22,693
Bob, we should probably
go over some policies.
81
00:04:22,694 --> 00:04:24,172
Aw, debate is not about policies,
Frank.
82
00:04:24,173 --> 00:04:25,452
No?
Oh, quite the opposite,
83
00:04:25,453 --> 00:04:28,174
quite the opposite.
Look at the great debaters -
84
00:04:28,175 --> 00:04:31,013
Churchill, Thatcher, Anneka Rice.
85
00:04:31,014 --> 00:04:34,132
Those people thought on their feet.
Lived aff their wits.
86
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,574
Is that our plan,
to live aff our wits?
87
00:04:38,294 --> 00:04:39,653
Stand up.
88
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:44,454
Right, I am going to hit Edwards
with a wee one-two.
89
00:04:46,814 --> 00:04:49,854
Do you remember when you said
I didn't know how to Derren Brown someone,
90
00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:52,693
and I Derren Brown-ed you?
Yes, yes,
91
00:04:52,694 --> 00:04:54,612
you made me think I was a robot.
92
00:04:54,613 --> 00:04:58,054
Well, I've got a wee Derren Brown
just for Edwards.
93
00:04:59,334 --> 00:05:01,213
Secondly, start talking.
94
00:05:01,214 --> 00:05:02,413
About what?
95
00:05:02,414 --> 00:05:03,493
Anything.
96
00:05:03,494 --> 00:05:05,613
Talk about who you are.
97
00:05:05,614 --> 00:05:07,533
OK. Um...
98
00:05:07,534 --> 00:05:11,093
my name is Frank and I am...
99
00:05:11,094 --> 00:05:12,733
campaign manager...
100
00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:13,853
Carry on.
101
00:05:13,854 --> 00:05:15,773
Um...
102
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:20,173
I'm campaign manager f-f-for...
103
00:05:20,174 --> 00:05:23,174
Bob and I...
104
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:25,653
I...
105
00:05:25,654 --> 00:05:28,253
I'm sorry, Bob, I can't do it.
106
00:05:28,254 --> 00:05:29,654
You see?
107
00:05:30,974 --> 00:05:34,093
I call that one "up close and
personal".
108
00:05:34,094 --> 00:05:35,732
Well, it's bloody dynamite.
109
00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:36,934
Works well with plumbers.
110
00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:39,133
Right, let's get going.
111
00:05:39,134 --> 00:05:44,614
Call the taxi for the town hall,
I'll go and dig out... the shirt.
112
00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:48,854
It's not at the town hall, Bob.
113
00:05:48,855 --> 00:05:51,254
The debate's in Dundee.
114
00:05:53,894 --> 00:05:55,493
I beg your pardon?
115
00:05:55,494 --> 00:05:57,694
I've got to hand it to Edwards,
Frank.
116
00:05:57,695 --> 00:05:59,453
He's a clever bastard.
117
00:05:59,454 --> 00:06:01,612
They've looked at this situation
and thought,
118
00:06:01,613 --> 00:06:03,412
"Right, Bob's a Broughty Ferry man.
119
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,374
"Get him in front of
a Broughty Ferry audience,
120
00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:08,653
"it will be absolute Beatlemania.
121
00:06:08,654 --> 00:06:11,612
"No, let's tak' him to Dundee,
shake him up a bit."
122
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,774
They said there was
nowhere big enough round about here.
123
00:06:13,775 --> 00:06:15,653
Oh, really? How convenient.
124
00:06:15,654 --> 00:06:17,654
Well, there's not.
125
00:06:18,894 --> 00:06:20,893
A Dundee crowd, Frank.
126
00:06:20,894 --> 00:06:22,294
That changes everything.
127
00:06:22,295 --> 00:06:24,534
They're still Scottish, Bob.
128
00:06:25,534 --> 00:06:29,053
I mean... you can always play
the Braveheart card.
129
00:06:29,054 --> 00:06:32,413
I will not play the Braveheart card,
Frank.
130
00:06:32,414 --> 00:06:35,613
It's a cheap move
and I don't need it.
131
00:06:35,614 --> 00:06:39,293
I'll beat Edwards and the rest
mano-a-o-mano.
132
00:06:39,294 --> 00:06:40,893
Bob...
133
00:06:40,894 --> 00:06:46,253
Edwards is younger, and may I say,
a proper politician.
134
00:06:46,254 --> 00:06:50,173
And may I say, a bit of a dish.
135
00:06:50,174 --> 00:06:53,734
But, I mean, he couldn't beat
the Braveheart card, Bob.
136
00:06:53,735 --> 00:06:55,653
No-one can.
137
00:06:55,654 --> 00:06:58,694
Francis, go and stand over there
till the bus comes.
138
00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:00,894
But, Bob...
Over there!
139
00:07:21,614 --> 00:07:25,014
Do you think this is where
they make Top Of The Pops?
140
00:07:25,015 --> 00:07:26,213
Oh, who cares?
141
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:28,532
I'm not impressed by this lot, Frank.
142
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:32,572
The BBC are a bunch of crooks,
making us pay our license fee
143
00:07:32,573 --> 00:07:35,412
just so they can eat strawberry
sandwiches at Wimbledon.
144
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:39,614
And Attenborough can go and build
himself a big hoose at the North Pole.
145
00:07:39,615 --> 00:07:42,053
It's an absolute swindle.
146
00:07:42,054 --> 00:07:45,412
I support the satellite mob,
they don't take themselves too seriously
147
00:07:45,413 --> 00:07:46,612
and it doesn't cost you a penny...
148
00:07:46,613 --> 00:07:48,374
once you've got the box,
had it installed,
149
00:07:48,375 --> 00:07:52,294
paid the subscription
and removed the parental lock.
150
00:07:54,054 --> 00:07:55,294
Mr Servant.
151
00:07:58,174 --> 00:08:00,373
Don't be ridiculous.
152
00:08:00,374 --> 00:08:03,933
So what, are we talking BBC One?
153
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,534
No, it's not on television.
154
00:08:07,014 --> 00:08:09,054
Well, this was a waste of time.
155
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,453
It's on Radio Scotland.
156
00:08:11,454 --> 00:08:13,093
Radio Scotland?
157
00:08:13,094 --> 00:08:14,453
That's for drunks.
158
00:08:14,454 --> 00:08:17,173
Aye, or fishermen.
Or both.
159
00:08:17,174 --> 00:08:19,054
Did I see you on Scotland At One?
160
00:08:21,054 --> 00:08:22,894
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
161
00:08:22,895 --> 00:08:24,774
Quite the reverse.
162
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,213
Oh, my good God!
163
00:08:30,214 --> 00:08:32,733
Cool, Frank, keep cool.
164
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:34,374
It's like being in a spaceship.
165
00:08:34,375 --> 00:08:35,733
Excuse me?
Yes?
166
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:38,132
Can we get this raised a little?
He doesn't want to hit it with his hands.
167
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:40,414
- No problem.
- Is this my radio tie?
168
00:08:40,415 --> 00:08:42,213
Yes.
Good.
169
00:08:42,214 --> 00:08:43,894
And a glass of water
would be good as well.
170
00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:47,013
Something Scottish, not Irish or
Welsh.
171
00:08:47,014 --> 00:08:49,494
That would be great, thank you.
Water, thank you.
172
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,734
Hello, hello, producer hen.
173
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,813
Um, I'll take this one.
174
00:08:54,814 --> 00:08:55,973
OK.
175
00:08:55,974 --> 00:08:57,854
But, er, could I have a few tweaks
as well?
176
00:08:57,855 --> 00:08:59,093
Tweaks? Mm-hm,
177
00:08:59,094 --> 00:09:00,652
could you make it see-through?
178
00:09:00,653 --> 00:09:04,294
I don't want any stupid rumours
about me not having any legs.
179
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:05,653
Yeah...
180
00:09:05,654 --> 00:09:07,254
can I get you guys
to the green room?
181
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:14,294
Can I get you anything?
182
00:09:14,295 --> 00:09:16,533
Is it aeroplane prices?
183
00:09:16,534 --> 00:09:18,374
All food and drink is complimentary.
184
00:09:19,694 --> 00:09:22,733
Well, er, could I have
a ham sandwich?
185
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:24,294
Absolutely. Anything else?
186
00:09:25,414 --> 00:09:28,653
Oh, um, may I trouble you
for a cold lemonade?
187
00:09:28,654 --> 00:09:29,894
No problem.
188
00:09:31,094 --> 00:09:32,652
Who are these two, Frank?
189
00:09:32,653 --> 00:09:34,132
He's the socialist candidate.
190
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,894
Mm-hm.
And she's an environmental person.
191
00:09:36,895 --> 00:09:38,653
Ah. Lovely hair.
192
00:09:38,654 --> 00:09:40,612
Oh, forget about them, Frank,
wannabes.
193
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:44,134
Local show-offs that dinnae ken
the first thing about politics.
194
00:09:45,534 --> 00:09:46,814
Oh, here we go, Frank.
195
00:09:48,414 --> 00:09:51,253
Ah, tonight is about me and him.
196
00:09:51,254 --> 00:09:52,773
We are the big guns.
197
00:09:52,774 --> 00:09:55,372
I tell you, Frank, when me and him
have a go at each other,
198
00:09:55,373 --> 00:09:58,414
it is going to make Vietnam
look like Crufts.
199
00:09:58,415 --> 00:10:01,293
Oh, thanking you kindly.
200
00:10:01,294 --> 00:10:03,294
Just ignore him.
201
00:10:05,654 --> 00:10:09,214
Hey, Bob, do you think this is what
it's like at the Oscars?
202
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,974
No.
203
00:10:24,174 --> 00:10:26,013
So, the BBC.
204
00:10:26,014 --> 00:10:29,254
This must be quite an exciting
little expedition for you two.
205
00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:31,294
I prefer ITV2...
206
00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:33,294
Plus 1.
207
00:10:34,574 --> 00:10:35,694
The people's channel.
208
00:10:39,694 --> 00:10:42,532
OK, I think you all know
today's moderator.
209
00:10:42,533 --> 00:10:44,292
- Anders!
- Evening, everyone.
210
00:10:44,293 --> 00:10:46,174
Round two for us, is it, Anders?
211
00:10:46,175 --> 00:10:47,493
I suppose so.
212
00:10:47,494 --> 00:10:49,733
Uh-huh, "Fumble In The Jungle".
213
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:52,093
OK, so boring stuff first, folks.
214
00:10:52,094 --> 00:10:55,293
Could I have
a hot coffee, please?
215
00:10:55,294 --> 00:10:57,294
And a selection of edible biscuits?
216
00:10:59,414 --> 00:11:02,333
So... let's chat debate.
217
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:05,534
I want to start by banging out
agreement on question order.
218
00:11:05,535 --> 00:11:06,933
No chance.
219
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:10,613
What?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
220
00:11:10,614 --> 00:11:13,332
As you'll have noticed,
due to the guidelines
221
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:16,254
we have to invite all candidates
this evening.
222
00:11:16,255 --> 00:11:20,173
That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
223
00:11:20,174 --> 00:11:24,252
As it is a broader debate, I'm happy
to be a little bit flexible on subject matter,
224
00:11:24,253 --> 00:11:27,574
but any hot po-tatties
we need to be throwing out of the kitchen?
225
00:11:27,575 --> 00:11:30,253
No, no hot po-tatties.
226
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,292
We won't talk about gay marriage.
Apart from that...
227
00:11:32,293 --> 00:11:34,132
po-tattie.
Yeah, that's a deal breaker.
228
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:37,412
And I won't talk about former lovers.
It's not fair for them.
229
00:11:37,413 --> 00:11:39,772
I would sincerely hope
that's a given.
230
00:11:39,773 --> 00:11:41,932
And I am not giving in
to the whole argument about,
231
00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:45,054
should small guys be allowed to use
extra long snooker cues?
232
00:11:45,055 --> 00:11:47,533
Brings out the fanatics.
233
00:11:47,534 --> 00:11:48,974
The poo-in-the-post brigade.
234
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:51,373
Aye, and that's a deal breaker.
235
00:11:51,374 --> 00:11:53,373
We can cope with that.
236
00:11:53,374 --> 00:11:57,892
Right then, folks, I will see you
shortly to, er, crank out some politics.
237
00:11:57,893 --> 00:12:00,174
I presume there's a full ban
on magic tricks?
238
00:12:00,175 --> 00:12:02,333
Yep. Good.
239
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:04,774
Ah, coffee looks fine.
240
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,974
And the biscuits are...
241
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:14,814
perfect.
242
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:26,492
Why don't I have any notes, Frank?
243
00:12:26,493 --> 00:12:29,092
You said we didn't need any.
No, I didn't.
244
00:12:29,093 --> 00:12:32,494
You said we'd live aff our wits.
Like Anneka Rice.
245
00:12:33,774 --> 00:12:34,814
Right.
246
00:12:35,814 --> 00:12:37,854
Time to play my first ace.
247
00:12:41,654 --> 00:12:43,492
No, we definitely won't
be doing that.
248
00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:45,894
I want you to maintain that
air of confidence at all times.
249
00:12:47,054 --> 00:12:48,093
OK, there?
250
00:12:48,094 --> 00:12:49,453
Yes.
251
00:12:49,454 --> 00:12:52,333
Good. Good.
252
00:12:52,334 --> 00:12:56,573
Tell me, have you been to the toilet?
253
00:12:56,574 --> 00:12:58,253
Yes.
254
00:12:58,254 --> 00:13:00,013
Ah, great.
255
00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:04,053
I just hope, when we're out there,
256
00:13:04,054 --> 00:13:07,813
debating away like panthers,
257
00:13:07,814 --> 00:13:12,054
you don't suddenly find yourself
needing to go...
258
00:13:16,014 --> 00:13:18,054
to the toilet. Right.
259
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,414
That's all I hope.
260
00:13:26,854 --> 00:13:28,534
He's Derren Brown and you're...
261
00:13:28,535 --> 00:13:29,693
Don't tell him!
262
00:13:29,694 --> 00:13:32,054
Are you OK?
You seem a bit nervous.
263
00:13:32,055 --> 00:13:34,413
Me? Nervous?
264
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,133
Extremely. Very edgy.
265
00:13:37,134 --> 00:13:38,334
Haud these.
266
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,694
I've only been nervous
three times in my life.
267
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,533
OK.
The day I was born,
268
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:44,894
when I first used a SodaStream
269
00:13:44,895 --> 00:13:48,454
and that time I thought
I saw Fred West in Argos.
270
00:13:49,774 --> 00:13:52,294
And there won't be a fourth.
271
00:13:53,694 --> 00:13:55,293
Hello?
272
00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:56,694
Ten minutes, please, folks.
273
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:02,734
Have you been to the toilet?
274
00:14:05,854 --> 00:14:07,614
May I have a lemon sorbet?
Piss off.
275
00:14:13,134 --> 00:14:15,374
Look at all the people, Bob.
276
00:14:17,254 --> 00:14:19,294
They look like ants.
277
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:22,653
Everything OK, Bob?
278
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:25,213
Oh, we're OK, Frank.
279
00:14:25,214 --> 00:14:27,173
We should be absolutely OK.
280
00:14:27,174 --> 00:14:29,093
Have you got, you know,
281
00:14:29,094 --> 00:14:30,814
some ideas?
Ideas, Frank?
282
00:14:30,815 --> 00:14:31,933
Hunners.
283
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:33,253
Hunners.
284
00:14:33,254 --> 00:14:34,733
And yourself?
285
00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:37,612
Have you got any bright ideas
going spare?
286
00:14:37,613 --> 00:14:39,334
Bob, you don't want to hear
any of my ideas.
287
00:14:39,335 --> 00:14:41,853
Oh, I actually do, Frank.
288
00:14:41,854 --> 00:14:44,253
I really, really do.
289
00:14:44,254 --> 00:14:46,732
You're kind of putting me
on the spot here, Bob.
290
00:14:46,733 --> 00:14:48,652
We're all on the spot, Frank.
291
00:14:48,653 --> 00:14:50,774
I'm on the biggest fucking spot in
town.
292
00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:54,333
Bob, I think perhaps
it would help if,
293
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:59,254
maybe you should think about
considering calming down just a little bit.
294
00:14:59,255 --> 00:15:02,653
One idea, Frank,
just one to get things started.
295
00:15:02,654 --> 00:15:04,094
Er...
296
00:15:06,814 --> 00:15:08,613
Free wellies?
297
00:15:08,614 --> 00:15:10,214
What with?
298
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:13,373
Er...
299
00:15:13,374 --> 00:15:14,734
MOTs?
300
00:15:17,454 --> 00:15:18,653
Jesus Christ.
301
00:15:18,654 --> 00:15:20,293
Two minutes, guys.
302
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,414
I'll introduce you individually.
303
00:15:23,414 --> 00:15:24,933
Ha-ha!
304
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,573
Thank you, thank you.
305
00:15:26,574 --> 00:15:29,373
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
306
00:15:29,374 --> 00:15:32,212
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening
and please welcome to the studio >
307
00:15:32,213 --> 00:15:35,494
the first by-election candidate,
it's Mr Nick Edwards! >
308
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:44,453
Frank, go and tell the DJ to give us
the biggest party tune he's got.
309
00:15:44,454 --> 00:15:48,653
- I want well-managed hysteria.
- I've got it.
310
00:15:48,654 --> 00:15:52,854
And from the Environmental
Party, it's Susan Blackburn!
311
00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:56,734
That's �20 cash.
312
00:15:57,894 --> 00:16:00,772
The final candidate,
who we are duty bound
313
00:16:00,773 --> 00:16:03,214
to have with us this
evening is independent candidate,
314
00:16:03,215 --> 00:16:04,734
it's Mr Bob Servant.
315
00:16:11,774 --> 00:16:14,454
Well, hello, hello!
316
00:16:18,654 --> 00:16:20,614
Thank you, thank you for coming.
317
00:16:22,054 --> 00:16:23,214
Great to see you all.
318
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,252
A very exciting night.
319
00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:29,534
Mr Servant.
The clash of the...
320
00:16:29,535 --> 00:16:31,174
Oh-ho.
321
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,134
The business of show.
322
00:16:37,534 --> 00:16:41,693
We offered targeted support
across society.
323
00:16:41,694 --> 00:16:44,493
Investment in factories.
324
00:16:44,494 --> 00:16:46,253
Good, honest men.
325
00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:48,014
Investment in primary schools.
Ditto.
326
00:16:49,414 --> 00:16:51,814
And a society that can be judged
on how it treats
327
00:16:51,815 --> 00:16:55,374
those for whom every day is a
struggle.
328
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,733
Milkmen? Anders.
329
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:01,093
Lots to chew on there, folks.
330
00:17:01,094 --> 00:17:04,613
Mr Edwards, fire your first bullets.
331
00:17:04,614 --> 00:17:06,493
That's your one up now.
332
00:17:06,494 --> 00:17:08,773
Tax, health,
333
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:10,893
education, local business -
334
00:17:10,894 --> 00:17:12,973
that's my DNA.
335
00:17:12,974 --> 00:17:14,373
That's my handprint.
336
00:17:14,374 --> 00:17:16,293
Only a handprint? Sorry?
337
00:17:16,294 --> 00:17:18,334
I go a hell of a lot deeper
than a handprint, pal.
338
00:17:18,335 --> 00:17:20,973
A hell of a lot deeper.
Mr Servant,
339
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:22,494
you cannot interrupt opening
comments.
340
00:17:22,495 --> 00:17:25,653
No, actually, Anders, I'm intrigued.
341
00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,732
What exactly do you mean
by "deeper than a handprint"?
342
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:33,012
I'll tell you. Put it this way, if
one of this mob was to come over here
343
00:17:33,013 --> 00:17:34,614
and split me open with an axe,
344
00:17:34,615 --> 00:17:38,293
take out my heart,
cut it open with a penknife
345
00:17:38,294 --> 00:17:42,372
and inside there would be a key
and that key would open a box.
346
00:17:42,373 --> 00:17:44,814
And inside that box there'd be a
note.
347
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:48,133
And that note would say,
"Vote Bob Servant."
348
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,333
But he'd be dead.
349
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,654
They'd patch me back together.
350
00:17:53,854 --> 00:17:58,174
An investment
in public transport is an investment in the environment.
351
00:17:58,175 --> 00:18:01,013
I will push for direct trains to
London.
352
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:02,372
Let me trump you there.
353
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,534
I'll push for direct trains to
Ireland.
354
00:18:04,535 --> 00:18:09,413
Guys. Guys, guys, guys, I'm hearing
a lot about investment here.
355
00:18:09,414 --> 00:18:13,093
But I'm asking,
where is that money coming from?
356
00:18:13,094 --> 00:18:14,932
The EU?
I certainly hope not, Anders.
357
00:18:14,933 --> 00:18:18,052
I think I'm on record
as saying that the EU has to take
358
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,854
some responsibility for the problems
that we face today.
359
00:18:25,174 --> 00:18:28,132
You know, people say
the EU is all straight bananas
360
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:30,492
and having to wear crash helmets
to cut the grass.
361
00:18:30,493 --> 00:18:32,332
But don't forget about the good
things they've done.
362
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,374
Such as?
Pulling down the Berlin Wall.
363
00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:36,013
Getting rid of pesetas.
364
00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:39,453
And making Bucks Fizz
rip aff their skirts.
365
00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,894
Come on, folks,
let's give them a chance.
366
00:18:46,214 --> 00:18:48,494
Is this thing on?
367
00:18:50,814 --> 00:18:52,412
As long as the bankers are OK
368
00:18:52,413 --> 00:18:55,254
then that's all that seems to matter
to this Government.
369
00:18:55,255 --> 00:18:57,533
That is just a tired old cliche.
370
00:18:57,534 --> 00:18:59,893
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
371
00:18:59,894 --> 00:19:01,253
He is spot-on.
372
00:19:01,254 --> 00:19:02,733
Bankers are arrogant.
373
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,053
They are arrogant.
374
00:19:04,054 --> 00:19:07,892
There's this guy works for the Abbey
National in Brook Street
375
00:19:07,893 --> 00:19:12,014
and he thinks he is bloody God's gift
to women because he rides a motorbike.
376
00:19:12,015 --> 00:19:13,373
You're spot-on!
377
00:19:13,374 --> 00:19:16,492
How is this relevant?
Because he parks it right outside
378
00:19:16,493 --> 00:19:17,774
like he owns the place.
379
00:19:17,775 --> 00:19:21,493
In the last ten minutes of every day,
he walks around
380
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,934
with all the gear on
like he is Evel Knievel.
381
00:19:23,935 --> 00:19:25,573
He's a bloody poser!
382
00:19:25,574 --> 00:19:29,252
Could we please talk about subjects
that actually affect people's lives?
383
00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:31,054
That affects my life every Friday.
384
00:19:31,055 --> 00:19:33,693
OK, um, Susan, the floor is yours.
385
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,372
Why don't you just chop us out
some policies?
386
00:19:36,373 --> 00:19:38,732
Well, the Human Rights Act.
Oh, here we go.
387
00:19:38,733 --> 00:19:41,534
This Government
are clearly intending to dilute it.
388
00:19:41,535 --> 00:19:46,573
The trouble with the Human Rights Act
is, where does it end?
389
00:19:46,574 --> 00:19:50,812
I mean, of course, of course you
shouldn't be allowed to harm humans.
390
00:19:50,813 --> 00:19:52,774
But does that apply to animals?
391
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:53,814
Or children?
392
00:19:55,334 --> 00:19:57,135
I mean, you've got to draw the line
somewhere.
393
00:19:58,894 --> 00:20:01,094
You know,
this is all off-the-cuff.
394
00:20:01,095 --> 00:20:02,293
Really?
395
00:20:02,294 --> 00:20:06,372
Let me just take this
opportunity to drag it back to local issues.
396
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,932
Well, I'm the man for that. Unlike
these three, I'm a Broughty Ferry man.
397
00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:10,414
What difference does that actually
make?
398
00:20:10,415 --> 00:20:13,453
I'll tell you what difference that
makes.
399
00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:16,494
The difference it makes
is that my policies...
400
00:20:19,414 --> 00:20:23,494
My policies... are the best.
401
00:20:25,294 --> 00:20:28,812
OK. OK, well, why don't you
plate us up one policy?
402
00:20:28,813 --> 00:20:29,894
Well, I will. I will.
403
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,733
OK, here goes.
404
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:33,173
Er...
405
00:20:33,174 --> 00:20:35,293
Er, not free wellies.
406
00:20:35,294 --> 00:20:37,212
Free wellies?
Not free wellies!
407
00:20:37,213 --> 00:20:40,212
I mean, I don't even know
why I'm mentioning the wellies.
408
00:20:40,213 --> 00:20:43,652
I mean, I've got better stuff than
that, but it's just that,
409
00:20:43,653 --> 00:20:45,852
I've got wellies on the brain.
Someone...
410
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:50,614
Someone put the idea
of free wellies in my head and now I can't get rid of them.
411
00:20:50,615 --> 00:20:55,733
All I can see now, you know, is just
wellies, you know, wellies, wellies,
412
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,213
wellies.
413
00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,854
Wellies.
414
00:21:00,614 --> 00:21:01,934
Wellies.
415
00:21:04,494 --> 00:21:06,614
Let's vox some pops.
416
00:21:07,814 --> 00:21:08,853
You!
417
00:21:08,854 --> 00:21:11,654
What are the candidates'
positions on crime?
418
00:21:11,655 --> 00:21:14,053
Largely against it.
419
00:21:14,054 --> 00:21:16,893
Crime is a cancer in Broughty Ferry.
420
00:21:16,894 --> 00:21:18,973
Hear, hear!
421
00:21:18,974 --> 00:21:24,053
And, if elected, I will work
tirelessly, tirelessly, with the police
422
00:21:24,054 --> 00:21:27,812
and local community groups,
to cut this cancer out of our lives for ever.
423
00:21:27,813 --> 00:21:28,974
Thank you very much.
424
00:21:32,454 --> 00:21:34,173
How does that get a clap?
425
00:21:34,174 --> 00:21:36,374
Ask it!
Do you support gay marriage?
426
00:21:36,375 --> 00:21:38,493
Absolutely.
Of course.
427
00:21:38,494 --> 00:21:44,293
200%. I always say, when you
look at what men have to go through with women,
428
00:21:44,294 --> 00:21:47,692
if some of those brave men one day
should turn round and decide,
429
00:21:47,693 --> 00:21:50,532
"That's it,
I've just had it with the skirt.
430
00:21:50,533 --> 00:21:53,852
"I'm going to hang about with other
men and have a laugh, and maybe,
431
00:21:53,853 --> 00:21:57,934
"maybe every so often,
after one or two many drinks, we'll have a quick cuddle,"
432
00:21:57,935 --> 00:22:01,813
well, then, for me,
that's absolutely just about fine.
433
00:22:01,814 --> 00:22:03,293
And lesbians?
434
00:22:03,294 --> 00:22:05,893
An urban myth.
435
00:22:05,894 --> 00:22:08,612
Not too popular with the audience
there.
436
00:22:08,613 --> 00:22:09,854
Oh, forget that lot.
437
00:22:09,855 --> 00:22:11,373
Boo!
438
00:22:11,374 --> 00:22:14,372
We shouldn't be talking to this mob
anyway, they're not Broughty Ferry folk.
439
00:22:14,373 --> 00:22:16,652
Bob, the entire audience
are Broughty Ferry voters.
440
00:22:16,653 --> 00:22:19,854
All right, all right. Hands up all
those from Broughty Ferry.
441
00:22:23,014 --> 00:22:24,293
Bollocks.
442
00:22:24,294 --> 00:22:28,373
Moving on, Mr Edwards, gay marriage?
443
00:22:28,374 --> 00:22:32,772
What I want to say is this,
it doesn't matter who is getting married,
444
00:22:32,773 --> 00:22:36,254
you won't find a more beautiful
place to do it than Broughty Ferry.
445
00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:37,893
Aw!
Now, Anders,
446
00:22:37,894 --> 00:22:41,254
I would like to talk about business.
I want Broughty Ferry
447
00:22:41,255 --> 00:22:43,893
to be a beacon of industry,
448
00:22:43,894 --> 00:22:48,054
a diamond, if you will,
in the recession's rough.
449
00:22:49,894 --> 00:22:55,213
Mrs Edwards, your husband is about
to get egg all over his lovely face.
450
00:22:55,214 --> 00:22:56,533
But business...
451
00:22:56,534 --> 00:22:59,373
But business has to be born.
452
00:22:59,374 --> 00:23:01,094
It has to be...
453
00:23:02,414 --> 00:23:03,613
created.
454
00:23:03,614 --> 00:23:06,934
And I want Broughty Ferry
to be a maternity ward
455
00:23:06,935 --> 00:23:11,493
full... of beautiful...
456
00:23:11,494 --> 00:23:13,213
business...
457
00:23:13,214 --> 00:23:14,373
babies.
458
00:23:14,374 --> 00:23:15,534
Mr Servant.
459
00:23:17,094 --> 00:23:20,533
A vote for Nick Edwards
is a vote...
460
00:23:20,534 --> 00:23:22,574
for prosperity. Bob.
461
00:23:23,774 --> 00:23:29,654
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would
seem like I have an admirer.
462
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:35,494
Still, the New Statesman
did say that I had a certain magnetic quality.
463
00:23:35,495 --> 00:23:39,254
So, er... back to selling
cheeseburgers, I think.
464
00:23:41,454 --> 00:23:43,014
Is that a laughter track?
465
00:23:43,015 --> 00:23:44,093
No.
466
00:23:44,094 --> 00:23:45,932
As I was saying, ladies and
gentlemen,
467
00:23:45,933 --> 00:23:50,252
I know the value of employment.
That was like watching someone drown.
468
00:23:50,253 --> 00:23:53,134
A vote for Nick Edwards
is a vote for business.
469
00:23:56,294 --> 00:23:58,813
I know what it is to be employed,
470
00:23:58,814 --> 00:24:00,134
I was brought up in a very...
471
00:24:00,135 --> 00:24:03,093
Bob!
..humble townhouse in Shropshire.
472
00:24:03,094 --> 00:24:06,133
Bob!
473
00:24:06,134 --> 00:24:09,253
Braveheart!
..A non-executive director
474
00:24:09,254 --> 00:24:10,974
on a series of FTSE 250 companies...
475
00:24:10,975 --> 00:24:14,693
And what about Scotland?
Sorry?
476
00:24:14,694 --> 00:24:18,532
You are all standing there
with your policies, your notes and your lovely hair,
477
00:24:18,533 --> 00:24:19,812
and there's a question that keeps
478
00:24:19,813 --> 00:24:22,052
going round and round in my head
like a trapped parrot -
479
00:24:22,053 --> 00:24:23,614
what's Scotland getting out of this?
480
00:24:23,615 --> 00:24:26,213
My party has always supported
self...
481
00:24:26,214 --> 00:24:30,094
I'm not talking about policies, pal,
I'm talking about the people. Us.
482
00:24:30,095 --> 00:24:31,613
The oppressed.
483
00:24:31,614 --> 00:24:34,493
Always have been and always will be.
484
00:24:34,494 --> 00:24:35,972
We're like the Red Indians.
485
00:24:35,973 --> 00:24:37,694
How exactly are you oppressed?
486
00:24:37,695 --> 00:24:39,333
OK, OK.
487
00:24:39,334 --> 00:24:44,254
Answer me this, how come Cilla Black
got that Blind Date job and not Lulu?
488
00:24:44,255 --> 00:24:46,653
Did Lulu apply?
489
00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:49,213
She shouldn't have to apply.
490
00:24:49,214 --> 00:24:50,373
Hear, hear!
491
00:24:50,374 --> 00:24:54,733
And why were The Krankies
not invited to play at Band Aid?
492
00:24:54,734 --> 00:24:56,654
Oh, but can The Krankies sing,
is the question?!
493
00:24:57,854 --> 00:24:59,614
Can they sing?!
494
00:25:00,694 --> 00:25:05,893
And why, why when you divided up
Britain, did you give us the top bit?
495
00:25:05,894 --> 00:25:08,893
Exactly!
That clearly wasn't our decision.
496
00:25:08,894 --> 00:25:12,572
Oh, I bet you had a right laugh
at that one, didn't you?
497
00:25:12,573 --> 00:25:15,292
Sitting down there,
drinking your pina coladas.
498
00:25:15,293 --> 00:25:17,494
While we're up here
freezing our balls off.
499
00:25:18,814 --> 00:25:20,452
Well, I'll tell you, pal.
500
00:25:20,453 --> 00:25:22,054
I'll tell you what England's like.
501
00:25:22,055 --> 00:25:28,813
England is like a big brother
who borrows your snazziest shoes, goes ten pin bowling,
502
00:25:28,814 --> 00:25:31,253
forgets to change his shoes back,
503
00:25:31,254 --> 00:25:34,332
comes home with the ten pin bowling
shoes and says,
504
00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:38,734
"Oh, well, it looks as if
you'd better become a ten pin bowling fan
505
00:25:38,735 --> 00:25:41,254
"whether you like it or not."
506
00:25:42,614 --> 00:25:45,413
Well, here's the headlines,
Mr Edwards.
507
00:25:45,414 --> 00:25:49,013
We don't want to be ten pin bowlers,
do we?
508
00:25:49,014 --> 00:25:50,213
No!
509
00:25:50,214 --> 00:25:52,614
Ladies and gentlemen of Broughty
Ferry, let's send England a message
510
00:25:52,615 --> 00:25:54,373
they'll never forget.
511
00:25:54,374 --> 00:25:56,732
Let's tell them
that they can forget their cricket,
512
00:25:56,733 --> 00:25:58,652
their fajitas and their Roger Moore.
513
00:25:58,653 --> 00:26:01,574
We'll have the football,
the cheeseburgers
514
00:26:01,575 --> 00:26:07,254
and Sean Connery coming oot
from under the water in his tiny little bikini.
515
00:26:09,254 --> 00:26:11,852
So, Mr Edwards,
you go back down there
516
00:26:11,853 --> 00:26:14,494
and you tell the Prime Minister
that we've had enough.
517
00:26:15,814 --> 00:26:19,972
Tell him that the people
of Broughty Ferry will not be pushed around any more.
518
00:26:19,973 --> 00:26:24,132
Tell him, tell him,
tell him that when the people of Broughty Ferry want to go
519
00:26:24,133 --> 00:26:26,974
to the toilet, they will go
to the toilet any time they want.
520
00:26:28,574 --> 00:26:33,654
And tell him, tell him, tell him
to give us back the Falklands!
521
00:27:08,145 --> 00:27:18,181
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
522
00:27:19,494 --> 00:27:21,693
Oh, Beatlemania, Frank!
523
00:27:21,694 --> 00:27:24,733
Beatle-fucking-mania!
524
00:27:24,783 --> 00:27:29,333
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