All language subtitles for the.big.bang.theory.s12e01.720p.bluray.x264-demand

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Can you believe our little lamb
is finally getting married?

He can't believe it.

And neither can I.

Hi, Dad. How you doing?

By the power vested in me

by even-you-can-perform-weddings-dot-com

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Good morning, wife.

Good morning, husband.

- I can't believe we're actually married.
- It's official.

According to tradition,
we should hang the bed sheets outside

so the villagers can see
that we consummated.

I don't think that that's appropriate,

considering where we're
starting our honeymoon.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Although when you think about it,

Lego is the perfect metaphor
for marital congress.

Two pieces that interlock
with a satisfying snap.

Oh, that's the sound you were making.

Oh! I almost forgot,

while you were sleeping,
I ordered room service.

Really?

Voila!

You thought it was going
to be food, didn't you?

Our whole universe
was in a hot dense state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago
expansion started...

Wait!

The earth began to cool

The autotrophs began to drool

Neanderthals developed tools

We built a wall
We built the pyramids

Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery

It all started with the Big Bang!

Bang!

Is it nice having Sheldon and Amy
away on their honeymoon?

Yeah, because now
Leonard and I get all this alone time.

But you're not alone, we're here.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Would you like us to leave

so you and Leonard can talk about
all the things you have in common?

Ha-ha! She called your bluff.

So, something
pretty cool happened.

Channel 3 asked me to be
on the news tomorrow night

to talk about the meteor shower.

- Oh, that's great.
- Hey.

Congratulations.

You know, that's how
Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start.

He went from the Hayden Planetarium

to guesting on the local news

to ruining everyone's favorite movies
on the Internet.

And now it's happening to me.

Ooh! I should probably make a list

of all the scientific inaccuracies
in Mamma Mia! 2.

You're gonna go on live TV
and admit you've seen that movie?

Hey, your husband's the one who took me.

Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it.

Sounds like someone's in there.

God, what if
Sheldon and Amy are getting robbed?

Or worse, what if they're back early?

They're not, they just posted a picture
in front of the Statue of Liberty.

- Real or Lego?
- Lego.

So what should we do?
Should someone go check it out?

I would, but I gotta be on TV tomorrow,
gotta protect the money.

Oh, yeah. Someone's definitely in there.

Okay, let's go into our apartment,

we'll lock the door,
we'll call the police...

Hello? Anyone in there?

- Yes?
- Oh. Mr. Fowler,

sorry, we didn't know you were here.

We actually thought someone
was breaking in.

And we were ready to take them down.

- Amy asked me to water her plants.
- She doesn't have any plants.

Oh.

Well, you called me on a lie.
Have a good day.

That was weird, right?

Was it? I honestly can't tell anymore.

Hey, did you even see Mamma Mia! 1?

Didn't need to.
The sequel stands on its own.

Here you go.

If you need any recommendations
while visiting New York,

please don't hesitate to contact me.

Well, it is our honeymoon.

So we are going to be quite busy.

Got it.

Harry Potter play, parts one and two.

And tomorrow, a tour of the sights

where Nikola Tesla lived, worked
and slowly went crazy.

And of course, coitus.

Ah.

Enjoy New York. And I guess, coitus.

Really, Sheldon, you wanna do it again?

Don't act surprised,
it's clearly marked on the schedule.

Now, shall we "steam the wrinkles
out of our wizard robes"

or "make vigorous,
socially-sanctioned love"?

Either way, I can check
something off my to-do list.

"Socially-sanct..." Oh, wow.
Yeah, there it is, right there.

Uh, hurry, Raj is on next.

I can't believe they canceled
Vampire Diaries, but they'll show this.

This is the news.

And that was a woman torn between
two hunky vampires, what is your point?

Larry!
I know you're in there!

- Is that Amy's mom?
- Let me in.

Let me in!

Either that or the Big Bad Wolf.

Larry!

Mrs. Fowler, are you okay?

Oh, I'm okay,
it's my husband you should worry about.

Oh, we do.

Larry, come on!

I don't think he's in there.

I mean, he came by to water
the imaginary plants, but then he left.

You're so naive.

Blondie here is gonna chew you up
and spit you out.

Well, don't tell him.

Come on.
You have an extra key, open it up.

All right, but I'm telling you,
he's not in there.

There. See?

Oh, he's in here,
I can smell his Axe Body Spray.

He wears Axe Body Spray?

You happy? You smell like Amy's dad.

Larry!

- Come on.
- Uh-uh-uh...

Shouldn't we mind our own business?

Wow. Sometimes it's like
you don't know me at all.

See, he's not here.

You don't know him like I do.

To be fair,
we don't know either of you.

Satisfied?

Oh, yeah, now I smell him.

Man, that is one hot weather girl.

How come if I say that,
I get in trouble?

You wanna say it? You can say it.

Nice try.

You're gonna have to find some other way
to not have sex with me tonight.

And it's not "weather girl,"
it's weather woman.

And with us today to talk about
the upcoming meteor shower

and the best places to view it,

Caltech astrophysicist
Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me.

I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson
was unavailable.

Yeah.

What do you mean, "Yeah"?

Not important. So, what can we expect
to see from this meteor shower?

Well, I think you can count on
a lot of flaming gas,

which is what you would've gotten
from your first choice,

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Pull up, Raj, pull up.

Sounds like there's no love lost
between you and Dr. Tyson.

Oh, no, I love Neil.

I mean, not as much as Neil loves Neil,
but who does, right?

I wanna look away, but I can't.

Oh. I am told we are out of time...

having learned nothing
about meteor showers

and too much about Dr. Koothrappali.

Thank you.

You know what I love about
Broadway theater? It's so interactive.

Uh-huh.

You're so close to the actors,
it's like you're in the play.

Uh-huh.

When you yell, "Harry, watch out!"
he looks right at you.

No, and not just Harry,
everyone on stage.

At the risk of sounding redundant...

Uh-huh.

All right, well, it's a bit late,

but I did block out the rest of
the evening for conjugal relations.

Should we shower?

I mean before, not during.
That's how you fall and break a hip.

You know, I'm a little jet laggy,

maybe we can revisit this
in the morning.

Oh, no can do.

If we miss tonight, it's not scheduled
until Thursday at 6:00.

And that will have to be no frills

'cause we've got a 6:30 reservation
at Benihana.

Sheldon, do we really have to
do this on a schedule?

Are you suggesting spontaneity?

Uh... I guess, yeah.

So now that we're married,
sex can occur at any time?

Like, we could be brushing our teeth

and suddenly your minty-fresh tongue
is in my mouth? No, thank you.

Really? Would it be so bad
to mix it up a little?

Mix it up? Who are you, Betty Crocker?

- Where are you going?
- To take a shower.

Now that sex can happen at any time,
I always have to be ready.

I should probably live
under a waterfall.

Well, you don't have to worry
about sex happening tonight.

Oh...

Well, thanks,
but I'm still gonna rinse off.

I touched a lot of stuff
in the gift shop.

No message, no note, who would do that?
What kind of husband...

If you let him talk,
maybe you'll find out.

Fine. Larry?

Well, there you go,
what more can he say?

Let's go home.

I think I'll stay.

Well, if you're going to stay,
then I'll stay.

All right, well,
you know who doesn't need to stay?

Us. Come on.

Penny?

I don't think
those two are gonna make it.

Poor Mr. Fowler,
I really feel sorry for the little guy.

I know. After they had Amy,

she should've just eaten him
and been done with it.

Look at you retaining facts
from a nature show.

I know. Really.
What did he ever see in her?

He's so, so sweet,
and she's such a ballbuster.

Some guys think strong women are sexy.

Yeah, but they seem to have
nothing in common.

Yeah, but sometimes opposites attract.

Wait, wait,
are you saying we are like them?

I don't know, maybe a little.

So you're the sweet, quiet one
and I'm Amy's mom?

Is that what you're saying?

Hey, check out what
Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted.

"I've been informed that some random,
attention-seeking nobody

took a cheap shot at me
on the local news."

That's me. Guys, he's talking about me.

You know, I cut you a lot of slack
'cause you come from another country,

but you've been here a long time.

Raj, you need to apologize to Dr. Tyson.

Why? This could be good for me.

Everybody loves a good Twitter feud.

Neil and I could be the new
Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.

Come on, Raj, you're better than this.

Hmm. Leave room for dessert, 'cause
I'm gonna make you eat those words.

"Dear Dr. Tyson,

much like epithelial tissue,
it appears I've gotten under your skin."

iPhone drop, but I won't,
'cause I don't have AppleCare.

What'd he say?

"Nice try, genius.
The skin is epithelial tissue."

Oh, it's on. He's Katy, I'm T-Swift.

What're you gonna do,
he's from another country.

And here we have the former hotel

where Tesla perfected the three-phase
alternating current motor.

- That's wrong. I'm gonna say something.
- Don't.

Well, then how will everyone know
I'm the smartest boy here?

Just let it go.

Is everything all right?
You seem testy this morning.

I'm not testy.

I'll have to take your word for it,
there's no test for testy.

Is it possible that
you're sexually frustrated?

Okay, now I'm testy.

If you had adhered
to my coital schedule,

your brain would be floating
on a sea of oxytocin right now.

Don't talk to me about my brain.
I'm a neurobiologist.

Then you should know the benefits
of the special hug

that grownups give each other.

Sheldon, everybody's listening.

Well, of course they're listening,
we're interesting. Unlike that guy.

I'm walking away from you.

I'm only recently married.
Do I stay here? Do I follow?

Say something useful.

Morning, sunshine.

So, I see you're making espresso.

Yep, just need that extra jolt
for a successful day of ballbusting.

Really? I don't think you do.

You know, you compared us
to the strangest couple we know.

And we know Amy and Sheldon,
Howard and Bernadette,

Raj and his twitchy little dog.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Because it wasn't nice
or because it wasn't true?

It's not true.

Mrs. Fowler is an
angry, vindictive woman.

Whereas you are warm and loving,

quick to forgive.

- Oh, please.
- I'm serious.

And I'm nothing like Amy's dad.

He's a mousy little man
who can't stand up for himself.

My point is, you're not like her,
so we're not like them.

Thirty years from now,
are you gonna hide from me

because I'm so scary?

Hey, I don't think you're scary.

Yes, I flinch
when you make sudden moves,

but that says more about
my childhood than you.

Aw!

- Your turn.
- Hang on,

I'm checking to see if Neil replied
to my latest smackdown.

Really, don't you think this
Twitter feud is a little silly?

Absolutely not,

it's two respected scientists debating
opposing views in a public forum.

You called him
Mike Tyson's little sister.

Yeah. And now
Mike Tyson's mad at me, too.

Raj, you're not going to impress anyone
by attacking him.

Oh, Bernadette,
you sound so old right now.

He said he needs a break,
and I'm too much for him.

Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean that.

He said I'm overbearing.

Oh, please, you're just the
right amount of bearing.

Look, I know he loves you.

If you just give him some space,
I'm sure he'll come back.

- You really think so?
- Yeah, I do.

- You're a good person, Penny.
- Oh...

I hope we get to spend
lots of time together.

Me, too.

- Yes.
- Hit the road.

- But...
- Now!

- Can I get my stuff?
- Be quick about it.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I brought you two hot dogs.

Aren't you gonna eat one?

From a street cart? Are you crazy?

I'm amazed that I'm holding them.

I'm not really hungry.

You realize that
I'm not a particularly physical person?

- I know.
- When I was little

and people asked me
what I wanted to be when I grow up,

I'd always say "A brain in a jar."

Sure.

Yeah, but I wanna be
a good husband to you,

and intimacy is a part of that.

Please put those down.

I'm just worried that if I don't
schedule our bedroom endeavors,

then I may not think about them,

and you'll grow cold and distant

and seek solace in the arms of
a heavily-muscled longshoreman.

Where would I find a longshoreman?

Along the shore. It's in the name.

Sheldon, I could never be
with anybody but you.

That's good to know.

I wouldn't want to fight a man
who's brave enough to touch a fish.

How's this for a compromise,

make all the schedules you want,
just don't tell me about them.

Excellent.

I'll create an algorithm that'll
generate a pseudo-random schedule.

And do you know why it won't be
a true random schedule?

Because the generation
of true random numbers

remains an unsolved problem
in computer science.

Come with me.

- Where are we going?
- To the hotel room.

And when we get there, I'm gonna need
you to say that again, except naked.

Go for Dr. K.

- Is this Rajesh Koothrappali?
- Yes. Who is this?

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Uh, wow.

How fun is this Twitter thing, huh?

You think you're funny?

I'm not Seinfeld funny,
but I did an open mic night once...

You're not funny.

Yeah, that's what they said
at the Chuckle Hut.

How about this,

I've got a book signing at Vroman's
in Pasadena next week.

Why don't you come by
and say some of those things to my face?

Oh-ho-ho-ho...

No, but thanks for the invite.

Smart move. And the next time
you pick up your phone,

remember I'm the guy who kicked
Pluto out of the solar system.

And it deserved it, sir.
Thank you, bye-bye.

Well, that was fun.

Let's see who else needs
a deGrasse-kickin'.

Bill Nye Science Guy.

Hey, Bill, Neil Tyson, we've gotta talk.