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My name is Teddy Zakalokis
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and I just got out of
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the army a while back,
and I was supposed to start
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work at my uncle's bakery,
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but I got this part-time job
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at this Hollywood talent agency
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and I met this big star
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who wanted me to be his agent
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because, well, you know,
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the guy's crazy.
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So, I'm up here in these
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big offices while wearing
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these fancy suits hanging out
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with all these hot shots
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and sharks.
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The money is terrific.
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The problem is...
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I don't know what I'm doing.
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But...
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so far so good,
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you know what I'm saying?
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(Flowing synth music)
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♪ Teddy Z ♪
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♪ He's the man to see ♪
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♪ Uh-huh ♪
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♪ You'll go far ♪
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♪ He'll turn your
dreams to reality ♪
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♪ Uh-huh ♪
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♪ He'll make you a star ♪
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♪
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♪ Just call up
the famous Teddy Z ♪
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♪ Mmm ♪
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(Upbeat rock music)
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Male Announcer: (On Radio)
Okay, LA, it's 8:47, 72 degrees
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at the convention centre,
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and the Christmas
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holidays are over.
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Time to get back to work,
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so work on this...
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♪
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(Music stops)
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(Rustling)
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Hi, can I, uh, help yea?
I don't think so.
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Who are you?
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My name's Ted Zakalokis.
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Can I get you something?
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I work here.
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You work here,
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in the mailroom?
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Uh-huh.
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What do you do?
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I work here too.
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You do?
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Here in the mailroom?
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Yeah.
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Well, I guess I've
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seen stranger things.
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You, uh, you have?
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Uh-huh.
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Are you sure you're
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supposed to be in here?
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Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
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Well I'm busy, so let me
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get to my work, all right?
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Yeah. Fine. Sorry.
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Hi, Laurie.
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Hi, Marty.
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How was Aspen?
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It was okay.
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Hi.
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Hey.
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Met Bruce Willis
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on a ski lift.
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Mm, how was he?
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He was okay.
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Can I help you?
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Me?
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I don't think so.
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What are you doing here?
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I work here.
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In the mailroom?
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Yeah.
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My tux is at the cleaners.
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(Audience laughter)
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Who is this guy?
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Did somebody get promoted?
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I don't know.
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I found him wandering
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around when I got in.
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Excuse me, Marty,
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you met Bruce Willis?
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That guy on Moon Lighting?
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Yeah.
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Come on!
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Are you sure you're
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supposed to be in here?
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Yeah, yeah.
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You know who I saw once,
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swear to god...
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Who?
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...Karen Valentine.
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(Audience laughter)
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I'm calling security.
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Good idea.
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What's wrong?
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She was on Room 222,
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don't you remember that?
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I know she was, just relax.
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Okay.
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Hi, Laurie.
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Hi, Marty.
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Two Marty's?
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Just relax.
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Who are you?
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I work here.
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You work here
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in the mailroom?
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Yeah, I know
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it sounds insane.
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(Audience laughter)
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Who is this guy?
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Did somebody get promoted?
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There's no answer.
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I'm gonna have to go up there.
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Up where?
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Just relax.
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Teddy, want to help me
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with this?
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Hey, Marty.
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Yes, sir?
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Not you, the other Marty.
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Me?
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Get in here.
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You people met
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Teddy Zaka-- what?
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Zakalokis.
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Right.
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You met him yet?
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He actually works here?
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No, Marty, he's
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with Holiday on Ice.
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Of course he works here.
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How did he get the job?
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Oh, you mean who
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does he know?
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He knows nobody.
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He just got out of the army.
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Teddy here is from a temporary
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employment agency.
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Helped me out over Christmas
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while all of youse were where?
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Maui or somewhere?
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So don't kill him, okay?
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He's not in competition
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with yea.
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He's only got two
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more days here.
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All right?
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Now work.
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Go, go, go.
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Teddy...
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(Footsteps)
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...park it right here.
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(Door clicks)
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So, Teddy, how'd you
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like to go to work
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for me full-time?
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In the mailroom?
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No, in China.
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I need a guy over there.
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(Audience laughter)
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Uh, gee, I don't know.
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100 more a week than
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temporary and they got dental.
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What do you say?
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I'm supposed to start work
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at my uncle's bakery on Monday.
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A bakery?
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Why do you want to work
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in a bakery for?
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Well, it's really more
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my grandmother's idea.
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Your grandmother?
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I thought you were a parachuter
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in the army.
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Just for one jump.
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(Audience laughter)
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Oh.
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Well, okay, you think about it.
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You give it some thought.
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Well, where would
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I get the clothes?
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No, no, no.
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No, you wouldn't be one of them.
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You'd be one of me.
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See those kids out there,
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they're trainees,
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college graduates.
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They work for a while here
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in the mailroom,
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then if they're lucky,
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they get to be secretaries.
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That's lucky?
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College graduates
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get to be secretaries?
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(Audience laughter)
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Well, yeah.
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'Cause then they get a shot
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at becoming an agent.
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What's an agent?
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(Chuckles) I love it.
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Oh, that's right,
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you and me been working
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in an empty building.
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I'll tell you what,
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today go deliver mail
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on the third floor,
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find out for yourself
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what an agent is.
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Okay.
221
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Oh, uh, Richie,
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who's the girl?
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Laurie Parr, huh?
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Yeah, tell me about her.
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Hey, hey, hey.
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Sure, I'll tell yea.
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Beautiful, single, available...
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Teddy: Uh-huh.
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...law school graduate,
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driven, ambitious.
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Would rather eat the paint
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off a house then go out
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with a guy like you.
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(Audience laughter)
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Sound like your type?
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Off a house?
237
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Yeah.
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Now get out of here
239
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and you think about my offer.
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Okay.
241
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(Door clicks)
242
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(Melodic instrumental music)
243
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♪
244
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Uh, excuse me,
is there a bathroom in this
245
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part of the building?
246
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Since remodelling,
247
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I'm very confused.
248
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Yes, sir.
249
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There's one right around
250
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that corner.
251
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Oh, thank you.
252
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You're very kind.
253
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Uh, but you'll excuse me
254
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because I don't recognize you.
255
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Oh, I'm Ted Zakalokis.
256
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I'm from the mailroom.
257
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That's Greek.
258
00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:51,117
Yes, sir.
259
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:52,185
There are Jews in Greece.
260
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,922
(Audience laughter)
261
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I don't know.
262
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Could be.
263
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Around 200 A.D. Greece
264
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was up to its elbows with Jews.
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Really?
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I'm pretty sure.
267
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Do I know your parents, Teddy?
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Uh, my parents are deceased.
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I live with my brother
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and my grandmother.
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I see.
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Well, you're a nice boy, Teddy.
273
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Only good luck, okay?
274
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Yes, sir.
275
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Around the corner?
276
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That's it.
277
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Oh, so long.
278
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Bye.
279
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(Audience laughter)
280
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Excuse me.
281
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:26,886
Mr. Floss would like to see you.
282
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Who?
283
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Al Floss.
284
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Could you come with me?
285
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I guess so.
286
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(Footsteps)
287
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I'm talking about
Harlan Keyvo, you idiot.
288
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Harlan Keyvo, a giant,
289
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a legend, okay?
290
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You want him in your movie,
291
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you better make me an offer
292
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I'm not ashamed to take to him.
293
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(Phone slams)
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How you doing?
295
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:51,978
Al Floss.
296
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,846
(Audience laughter)
297
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,181
No calls.
298
00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:56,783
Hi, Mr. Floss.
299
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,651
It's Al, come on.
300
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,520
Al, I'm Ted Zakalokis.
301
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,587
Who?
302
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,189
Ted Zakalokis.
303
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:03,990
Teddy, have a seat,
304
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,324
make yourself comfortable.
305
00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:06,392
What do you want, some coffee
306
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,460
or something like that?
307
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:08,261
Uh, no thanks.
308
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,061
How about some popcorn?
309
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:10,396
No salt, no butter.
310
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:11,998
I'm a popcorn nut.
311
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,599
How's the mailroom working out?
312
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:14,667
I was in the mailroom.
313
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:15,735
Well, I'm just
314
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:16,536
there temporarily.
315
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:17,336
Hey, I bet.
316
00:07:17,336 --> 00:07:18,404
I was in and out of
317
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:19,205
there like that.
318
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,273
(Snaps fingers)
319
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,073
Of course, that was back
320
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:21,874
in New York before
321
00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:22,942
you had to be a rocket
322
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:23,743
scientist to get in.
323
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:25,077
(Audience laughter)
324
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:26,412
Anyhow, Teddy, I couldn't
325
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:27,480
help notice you out
326
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:28,548
there schmoozing
327
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:29,348
with Abe.
328
00:07:29,348 --> 00:07:30,683
Schmoozing?
329
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:31,484
Yeah, schmoozing,
330
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:32,819
having a nice chat.
331
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,153
So you know, Abe, huh?
332
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:36,022
You mean the old guy?
333
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,890
The old guy?
334
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:38,958
Yeah, the old guy
335
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,560
Abe Werkfinder, chairman of
336
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,428
the board of this company.
337
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,030
No kidding.
338
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:46,699
You don't know Abe.
339
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:48,034
(Audience laughter)
340
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,368
You're out there talking like
341
00:07:49,368 --> 00:07:50,436
you're going camping together.
342
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:51,504
(Audience laughter)
343
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:52,572
No, he just wanted to
344
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,173
know where the bathroom was.
345
00:07:54,173 --> 00:07:56,309
(Audience laughter)
346
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,910
The bathroom?
347
00:07:57,910 --> 00:07:58,978
Yeah, never saw him
348
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,847
before in my life.
349
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:04,050
So, Al, what did you
350
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,986
want to see me about?
351
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,321
What's wrong?
352
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,388
I can't just have you
353
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,257
in here for popcorn?
354
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:12,592
It's got to be about something?
355
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:13,392
Boy, that's nice.
356
00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:14,460
That's gratitude.
357
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:15,261
That's it.
358
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:16,062
Let's go, come on.
359
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:17,129
(Audience laughter)
360
00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:18,197
Here, keep the popcorn.
361
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:19,265
What about the bowl?
362
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,333
What do I care
363
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,133
about the bowl?
364
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:21,934
Eat the bowl, give it
365
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:22,735
to mudslide victims.
366
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:23,803
I'm busy, huh.
367
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:24,604
(Claps)
368
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,739
(Audience laughter)
369
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:29,141
Calls, get me calls!
370
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:30,476
And what are you, a statue?
371
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:31,544
Screen the people
372
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:32,612
who come in here.
373
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,281
(Audience laughter)
374
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:41,954
(Audience applause)
375
00:08:41,954 --> 00:08:43,289
What is this, a mall?
376
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,424
(Audience laughter)
377
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:46,492
(Button clicks)
378
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:47,827
(Phone ringing)
379
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,161
(Audience laughter)
380
00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:50,763
(Door slams)
381
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,098
Okay.
382
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,699
(Audience laughter)
383
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,636
(Outdoor din)
384
00:08:56,903 --> 00:09:00,106
Where he is?
It's dark outside.
385
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,440
People are killing each
386
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,309
other out there.
387
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:05,444
(Rustling) Oh, there he is,
388
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:07,313
I'm going to kill him now.
389
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:08,381
Hi, everybody.
390
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,181
She's got a knife.
391
00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:10,249
(Audience laughter)
392
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:11,851
Oh, look at me, I'm shaking.
393
00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:12,919
Where you were?
394
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:13,986
I told you, it's over
395
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:15,054
an hour and a half drive
396
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,122
from Beverly Hills.
397
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,723
Beverly Hills?
398
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:18,524
Why you go there?
399
00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:19,592
Why you not take job
400
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,460
in neighbourhood?
401
00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:22,261
That's something we have
402
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:23,863
to have a talk about.
403
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,197
Bakery in neighbourhood,
404
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,265
you could walk there.
405
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:28,134
You go 5:00 in morning,
406
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,002
you home by 3:00; in the house,
407
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:33,205
safe, sound, all locked up.
408
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:34,273
Why don't we go sit down?
409
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,608
Not in living room.
410
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,010
Living room for company.
411
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,146
(Audience laughter)
412
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,014
Right over here.
413
00:09:42,014 --> 00:09:43,082
How's it going, Ari?
414
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:43,883
Oh, pretty good.
415
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:44,951
But Grananny flipped out
416
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:46,018
around 5:00.
417
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,086
Yeah, it's true.
418
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,421
I flip it over.
419
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,488
(Audience laughter)
420
00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:50,556
It's dangerous outside.
421
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:51,357
Yes, Grananny.
422
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,692
There's people killing
423
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:53,759
each other in cars
424
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,094
with knives and guns.
425
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,696
Yes, ma'am.
426
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:59,365
Why you go job in other city?
427
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,700
It's not another city.
428
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,767
I'm only 10 minutes late,
429
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:02,835
Grananny.
430
00:10:02,835 --> 00:10:03,903
Oh, I'm so happy
431
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:04,704
you in house.
432
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:06,038
(Laughter)
433
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:07,640
Come, give me hug.
434
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,241
(Chuckling)
435
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:10,309
(Audience laughter)
436
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:11,110
Come, come.
437
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,779
So, how's show business?
438
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:14,847
Oh, I met a guy today
439
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:15,915
who went on a ski lift
440
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:16,983
with Bruce Willis.
441
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:17,783
Really?
442
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:18,851
That's what he said?
443
00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:20,186
Who this Mr. Willis?
444
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:20,987
Nobody you would
445
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:21,787
know, Grananny.
446
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,389
Ah, more strangers.
447
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:24,724
When you going to work
448
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,859
with Uncle Nikos in bakery?
449
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,194
(Slam) When?
450
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,261
(Audience laughter)
451
00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,329
Well, I've thinking
452
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,130
about it in the car,
453
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,198
and Grananny, we need to have
454
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:33,532
a really serious talk.
455
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:34,600
Of course.
456
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:35,668
Oh, no.
457
00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:37,269
(Audience laughter)
458
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,337
I like it at the place
459
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:39,405
where I am now.
460
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:41,273
It's kind of exciting.
461
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:44,477
What they make, this company?
462
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,811
They make telephone calls.
463
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:48,214
(Audience laughter)
464
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,281
Telephone calls?
465
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:50,616
Who they call?
466
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:51,684
Each other.
467
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:54,086
(Audience laughter)
468
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:56,756
What about?
469
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:57,823
Mostly about lunch.
470
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:01,560
(Audience laughter)
471
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,895
That's a business?
472
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:05,831
Calling about lunch?
473
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,166
Grananny, can I make
474
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,234
a confession to you?
475
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,035
Of course.
476
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:11,704
Ah-di, di-dee, di-dee.
477
00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,305
One of the reasons I joined
478
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:15,708
the army was just to stay
479
00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:17,843
out of the bakery.
480
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:18,911
Just to stay out of the bakery,
481
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:19,979
can you imagine that?
482
00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:21,047
I'm getting out of here.
483
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:21,847
Ai yai-yai, yai, yai.
484
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:22,915
I know how much you
485
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:23,983
want me to work at the
486
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,051
bakery, and I know how Dad and
487
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:26,118
Uncle Nikos came all the way
488
00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:26,919
from New York
489
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:27,720
to start the business,
490
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:28,521
but Grananny,
491
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,588
I like it at this place.
492
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:31,190
Excuse me.
493
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,059
(Audience laughter)
494
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:35,194
I feel like, I don't know,
495
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,529
freer there.
496
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,863
Like, I'm with people who are
497
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,465
going places, doing things.
498
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,800
I don't know.
499
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,134
Maybe being in the Army
500
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,469
broadened my horizons, but
501
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,604
Grananny, these people all drive
502
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,740
Mercedes-Benzes and they don't
503
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,875
seem that much smarter to me.
504
00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:52,812
(Audience laughter)
505
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:57,349
Anyhow, I'd really like to
know what you think.
506
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,218
Adolf Hitler drove
507
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,887
Mercedes-Benz. (Spits)
508
00:12:02,154 --> 00:12:05,357
(Audience laughter)
509
00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:08,561
I know.
Can we talk about this?
510
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,162
No!
511
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,764
I'm sick now.
512
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:14,433
(Sighs) Granny.
513
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:17,369
Dinner in stove.
514
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,238
I can't eat.
515
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,840
Yes, ma'am.
516
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,441
You feed brother.
517
00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:23,242
Yes, ma'am.
518
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,844
I'm going to lie down
519
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,712
because I am dying.
520
00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:29,648
(Audience laughter)
521
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:33,119
Maybe I should think
about it a little more.
522
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:34,453
What do you say?
523
00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:36,589
I just need a little sleep.
524
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,792
Just a little sleep.
525
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:46,732
I won't do it,
Grananny, okay?
526
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:48,067
I swear to you,
527
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,202
I will not do it.
528
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:52,872
Friday's my last day!
529
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:55,808
Then I'll bake.
530
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:59,011
I'll bake maybe a nice baklava.
531
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:03,015
Or a-- or a Galaktoboureko...
532
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,684
without sugar.
533
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:07,553
Opa.
534
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,489
♪
535
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,692
(Light instrumental music)
536
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,828
Hey, it's just a
hypothetical question.
537
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:16,896
You're a sick boy.
538
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:17,963
Here's Weinman's New York Times.
539
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,031
Man: Thank you.
540
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:19,832
I'd just like an answer.
541
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,900
Okay.
542
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:21,967
So, what are my choices?
543
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,302
Would I rather eat the
544
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,370
paint off the house or
545
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:25,171
go out with you, right?
546
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:26,238
(Audience laughter)
547
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,306
Right.
548
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,374
Paint.
549
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:29,175
Really?
550
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,509
Off a stucco house.
551
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:32,378
(Audience laughter)
552
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,246
No need to elaborate.
553
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:35,581
I certainly hope so.
554
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:36,649
Now, look, don't take
555
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,716
it so personal.
556
00:13:37,716 --> 00:13:38,784
I'm a major paint eater, okay?
557
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:40,653
You know, I could take you
558
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,987
away from all this.
559
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,856
Yeah, I'll bet.
560
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,191
Hello, Mr. Floss.
561
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:46,792
What's happening?
562
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,661
Hi, Mr. Floss.
563
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,995
Yeah, right.
564
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,330
Here's the deal, my client
565
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,932
Harland Keyvo is arriving
566
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:54,533
at LAX at 5:37.
567
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:55,601
I want you to go with the
568
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:56,669
limo driver so there's
569
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,736
no screw up, got it?
570
00:13:57,736 --> 00:13:58,804
Oh, I can't, Al--
571
00:13:58,804 --> 00:14:00,139
You go. I don't want one
572
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:01,207
of these ambitious, little
573
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,541
punk trainees going for you.
574
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:03,342
And, listen, no stops.
575
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,410
He goes directly from the
576
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,744
airport to the Beverly Hills
577
00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:07,079
Hotel, understand?
578
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:08,147
Al, I'm right in the--
579
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:09,215
Hey, I don't care what
580
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,015
you've got to do.
581
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,350
Harland Keyvo is the
582
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:12,418
greatest living actor in
583
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,485
the American language.
584
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:15,087
He also gets $5 million a movie,
585
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:16,422
of which I get 10%.
586
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,756
So, don't. Don't tell me
587
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:19,892
about your problems, okay?
588
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:21,760
(Audience laughter)
589
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,163
Why don't you go?
Yeah, right.
590
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,497
I want to be in a car for
591
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:26,565
an hour with a sociopath.
592
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:27,366
Al!
593
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,434
(Audience laughter)
594
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,302
Limo's here in 10 minutes.
595
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:33,772
Al! Al!
596
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:36,709
You rat.
597
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:40,179
I'm not your personal slave.
598
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,047
Teddy.
599
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,183
(Audience laughter)
600
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,318
Teddy!
Yeah, Richie.
601
00:14:46,318 --> 00:14:48,187
I got a job for you.
602
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:58,063
♪
603
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:02,601
Keyvo!
604
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:07,406
(Indistinct yelling)
605
00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:10,609
(Camera shutters clicking)
606
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:16,215
(Indistinct yelling)
607
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,350
(Distant smashing)
608
00:15:18,617 --> 00:15:21,020
I'll ride up front.
Get in!
609
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,888
Teddy: Okay.
610
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:26,892
(Yelling continues)
611
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:30,629
♪
612
00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:34,633
(Music fades)
613
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:41,573
(Audience laughter)
614
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:52,251
So... how was your flight?
How did they know
615
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,852
I was coming in?
616
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:55,721
I have no idea.
617
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:56,789
No, come on. Come on.
618
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,123
Who tipped them off?
619
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,191
I don't know.
620
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,259
Alright,
621
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:01,593
where's Al Floss?
622
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:02,928
I don't know.
623
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:03,996
You know anything, genius?
624
00:16:03,996 --> 00:16:05,597
Huh, buffalo breath?
625
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:07,199
Do you know anything at all?
626
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:08,534
No, sir.
627
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,601
I just work in the mailroom.
628
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:10,936
"I just work in
629
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,004
the mailroom."
630
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:13,072
Did Daddy get us a
631
00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:14,139
job there, huh?
632
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:14,940
No, sir.
633
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:18,143
Yeah, sure. (Groans)
634
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,080
Oh, god, I hate this town.
635
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,550
(Audience laughter)
636
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,287
There isn't another decent human
being for 300 miles around here.
637
00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:29,621
And I'm going to get sued for
638
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:30,956
hitting that guy back there,
639
00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:32,024
you know that, don't you?
640
00:16:32,024 --> 00:16:33,359
And it's your fault,
641
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:34,426
not mine. Yours.
642
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:36,295
You see, your job is to keep
643
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:37,629
slime like that away from me.
644
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,231
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
645
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:40,833
I didn't know that.
646
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:41,900
Oh, terrific. There's
647
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,235
another thing he doesn't know.
648
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:45,371
You're retarded, right?
649
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:48,307
(Audience laughter)
650
00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:52,044
No, sir.
Listen, driver,
651
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:53,112
I wanna make--
652
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,446
uh, I wanna make a few stops.
653
00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,315
I'm sorry, sir. No stops.
654
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:59,785
(Audience laughter)
655
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:04,323
What did your say?
Those are my orders:
656
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:05,391
no stops.
657
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:06,992
Orders? From whom?
658
00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:08,060
Richard Herby.
659
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,395
Oh, Richard Herby;
660
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:10,195
then I understand.
661
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,530
Yeah, yeah, sure.
662
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:12,865
Who the hell is Richard Herby?
663
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,199
He runs the mailroom!
664
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:15,267
The mailroom?
665
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:17,403
So, what you're telling me is
666
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:20,072
that some toad like non-person
667
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:21,407
in the mailroom is
668
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,542
telling me what to do?
669
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,877
Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
670
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:25,944
You got that?
671
00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:27,012
I finally know the answer
672
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:29,148
to something.
673
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:31,016
(Audience laughter and applause)
674
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:32,618
Driver, stop this car.
675
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,486
Keep going!
676
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,088
How would you like to get
677
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,757
your butt kicked, sonny boy?
678
00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:40,626
Look, mister, you're at least
679
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,028
45 and I'm only 23, so let's not
680
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,164
talk about anybody kicking
681
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:46,765
anybody's butt, okay?
682
00:17:46,765 --> 00:17:48,100
Oh, yeah?
683
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:50,235
Driver, pull over.
684
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,104
Okay.
685
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:54,239
One stop.
686
00:17:54,239 --> 00:18:01,447
(Audience laughter)
687
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:05,451
Abe.
I know. I know.
688
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,052
I mean, my god, you know?
689
00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:08,654
You know what I'm saying?
690
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:09,721
I know.
691
00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:10,789
You called the boy?
692
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,391
Yeah, he should be here
693
00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:13,725
by now; that stupid kid.
694
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:14,526
That unbelievably stupid kid.
695
00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:15,861
Try to relax.
696
00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:16,929
We'll talk to the boy;
697
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,263
we'll see what's what.
698
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,132
How's this going to look?
699
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:21,467
How am I going to look?
700
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,534
You wanted to see me.
701
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,136
Yeah, we want to see you.
702
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:25,737
That's exactly what we wanted.
703
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:26,805
Get in here. Sit down.
704
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,140
I gave this kid popcorn, Abe.
705
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,275
I gave him the bowl.
706
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,411
Teddy, come.
707
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:33,479
Sit down.
708
00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:34,813
Yes, sir.
709
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,415
So, Teddy.
710
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,016
Can I believe my ears?
711
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:40,419
Mr. Harland Keyvo, maybe the
712
00:18:40,419 --> 00:18:42,821
best actor in the world,
713
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:46,291
wants you to be his agent?
714
00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:48,961
(Audience laughter)
715
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,630
Yes, sir.
That's what he said.
716
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,431
That's what he said?
717
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:53,765
The man is unbalanced.
718
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:54,833
One of the biggest psychos in
719
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,168
the business, and that's saying
720
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,036
something in this business.
721
00:18:58,036 --> 00:19:00,172
(Audience laughter)
722
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:03,375
So, you're just driving along
in the limo and he asked you
723
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,977
to be his agent?
724
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,311
Well, actually, we were
725
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,913
outside the car, uh, fighting.
726
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:08,981
I had just hit Mr. Keyvo
727
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,315
in the stomach and he had
728
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,718
dropped to his knees.
729
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:16,722
(Audience laughter)
730
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,192
You were fighting with
Mr. Keyvo?
731
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,527
No, not really.
732
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,128
It was just that one punch.
733
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,463
So, that's how you
734
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:26,064
get clients; you pull them
735
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:27,666
out of the car and you punch
736
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,535
them in the stomach. Sure.
737
00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:30,869
I've been doing it all wrong.
738
00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:32,204
I take them to lunch and then,
739
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:33,272
like an idiot,
740
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:34,339
I don't even hit them!
741
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,674
What the hell have I been
742
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,543
thinking about?
743
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:42,080
(Audience laughter and applause)
744
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:46,351
That's all he said?
Well, he also said that I was
745
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,220
the first guy he had met here
746
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:51,156
who had any guts.
747
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:53,825
That's so unfair.
748
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,694
So, what was your reply to
749
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,029
Mr. Keyvo's offer?
750
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,363
Well, I told him I'd have to
751
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,232
ask my grandmother first.
752
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,367
(Audience laughter)
753
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,304
What?
She wants me to work in my
754
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:06,371
uncle's bakery.
755
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,439
A bakery?
756
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:08,507
Teddy: Yes, sir.
757
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:09,308
My god.
758
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:10,375
So, you've got a tough
759
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,710
decision to make.
760
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:12,778
Yes, sir.
761
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:13,845
It's very tough.
762
00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:14,646
A tough decision?
763
00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:17,849
Oh, it's a killer!
764
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:19,184
Whatever will we do?
765
00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:21,587
Ted. Ted.
766
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,188
Maybe you should do what your
767
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:25,057
grandmother wants, huh?
768
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,925
Yeah, maybe.
769
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:29,061
Certainly, the bakery,
770
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,730
that's the brainy thing to do.
771
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,065
That's the smart move here.
772
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,666
I'm not so sure.
773
00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:35,734
Why, Abe?
774
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,069
I like the bakery notion.
775
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,403
Because Mr. Keyvo is
776
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,005
obviously not pleased with his
777
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:41,873
current representation.
778
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,742
If he wants to make a change,
779
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,810
I'm honoured that he's moving
780
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,411
to an employee who's also
781
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,013
with my company.
782
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,148
Teddy, go home, talk to your
783
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:52,284
grandmother, tell her you have
784
00:20:52,284 --> 00:20:55,220
a nice job here making what?
785
00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:56,555
$50,000 a year.
786
00:20:56,555 --> 00:20:57,623
What?
787
00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:58,957
Oye!
788
00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:01,627
Of course. You now represent
789
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,762
a very important actor.
790
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,364
You have a nice office
791
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:07,232
and a secretary.
792
00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:09,101
A-- a secretary?
793
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,168
Sure.
794
00:21:10,168 --> 00:21:11,770
Could I get one of the
795
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,105
trainees from the mailroom?
796
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,507
I'll see to it myself.
797
00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:20,045
(Audience applause)
798
00:21:20,045 --> 00:21:22,714
Thanks.
Her name is Laurie Parr.
799
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:24,583
She's really going to be
800
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:25,917
excited about this.
801
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,252
Abe, he doesn't
802
00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:28,053
know anything.
803
00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:29,121
He won't know what he's doing?
804
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,989
So you, Al, will personally
805
00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,591
take him under your wing
806
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:33,925
and he'll learn.
807
00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:36,061
This is a dream.
808
00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:37,396
Since your last name
809
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:38,997
is difficult for me,
810
00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:40,332
may I call you Teddy Z?
811
00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:41,400
Sure. That's what they
812
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,001
called me in the Army.
813
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:44,336
By tomorrow you'll be
814
00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:45,404
The Famous Teddy Z.
815
00:21:45,404 --> 00:21:46,471
Yeah?
816
00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:48,340
Oh, yes. Trust me.
817
00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:50,208
Congratulations, Ted.
818
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,077
Oh, thanks. Oh, Abe.
819
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:53,412
Yes, Teddy?
820
00:21:53,412 --> 00:21:54,746
Richie Herby down in the
821
00:21:54,746 --> 00:21:56,081
mailroom, he's not going
822
00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:57,149
to get in any trouble
823
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,216
because of this, is he?
824
00:21:58,216 --> 00:21:59,284
Abe.
825
00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:01,420
Certainly not.
826
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:05,957
(Audience laughter)
827
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:09,961
Al, can we leave now?
Certainly, Abe.
828
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:12,097
(Audience laughter)
829
00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:17,969
Al?
Please, god.
830
00:22:17,969 --> 00:22:21,173
I better make a call.
831
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,842
You see?
832
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:27,846
He's a take-charge kind of kid.
833
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,981
Hello?
834
00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:31,850
Grananny?
835
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,719
(Audience laughter)
836
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:38,256
(Audience applause)
837
00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:43,128
♪ Teddy Z,
he's the man to see ♪
838
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:44,996
♪ Uh-huh ♪
839
00:22:45,263 --> 00:22:51,136
♪ He's got the key to
your fantasy ♪
840
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:53,271
♪ Uh-huh ♪
841
00:22:53,271 --> 00:22:55,941
♪
842
00:22:56,208 --> 00:23:00,479
♪ Just call up the
famous Teddy Z ♪
843
00:23:00,746 --> 00:23:02,881
Woman:
Oh, Teddy!
844
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,750
(Lightly chuckling)
845
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:06,885
(Crickets chirping)
846
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,287
(Grand musical swell)
50271
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