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00:00:04,367 --> 00:00:08,267
[Crowd chatter]
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00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:16,074
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00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:43,166
Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr!
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[Cheers and applause]
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All right.
Thank you!
6
00:00:53,067 --> 00:00:55,166
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
7
00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:57,900
How are ya?
How's it going?
8
00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:01,500
All right.
[Cheers and applause]
9
00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:03,533
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
10
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:07,299
All right,
everybody settle down.
11
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,800
I wanna get a gun.
12
00:01:10,801 --> 00:01:13,333
I do.
I really do.
13
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,032
I never had that feeling
before
14
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,466
till I moved out
to Los Angeles.
15
00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,800
This city just messes
with your mind, you know?
16
00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,399
It's overpopulated,
17
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,600
technically doesn't have
a water supply.
18
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:27,199
Right?
The dollar's crashing.
19
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,666
Shit keeps you up at night.
You're just thinking...
20
00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:32,199
"What am I gonna do
when the zombies come?"
21
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,733
Right?
22
00:01:33,734 --> 00:01:37,099
Start reading up on shit.
"Get some powdered food.
23
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,032
Plant some zucchini.
24
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,566
Get a windmill."
Right?
25
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:45,166
And that's all well and good,
26
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,166
but if you don't know
how to fight,
27
00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:48,967
all you're doing
is gathering supplies
28
00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:51,700
for the toughest guy
on the block.
29
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:53,032
Right?
30
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:54,132
I was thinking about that.
31
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,100
What am I gonna do
32
00:01:55,101 --> 00:01:56,733
if some dude turns me
upside down,
33
00:01:56,734 --> 00:02:00,766
starts shaking the gold coins
outta my pockets?
34
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,967
I gotta get a gun.
35
00:02:02,968 --> 00:02:05,500
So I'm on the road, right?
I'm in Reno.
36
00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:07,433
Great gun town.
37
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:09,666
So I go down to that little
gun store, right?
38
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,500
Come walking in.
There's some redneck there.
39
00:02:11,501 --> 00:02:13,233
I'm like, "Hey, man."
I go, "I wanna get a gun."
40
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,533
He's like, "I hear ya.
Whatcha looking for?
41
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,967
Whatcha want?
Mossberg? Over/under?
42
00:02:17,968 --> 00:02:19,733
A .357 Magnum?
Right?"
43
00:02:19,734 --> 00:02:22,900
Starts rattling off
all this gibberish, right?
44
00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:25,433
I don't know shit.
I'm trying to play it off.
45
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,766
I feel like a bitch,
46
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:29,266
'cause I don't know
anything about guns.
47
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:31,132
So I was like,
"What do I do here?
48
00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:33,533
Ah, hell,
I'm gonna go with honesty."
49
00:02:33,534 --> 00:02:35,733
I go, "Look, dude, I don't
know anything about guns.
50
00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:36,800
They terrify me.
51
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,132
But I'm worried about
the zombies.
52
00:02:39,133 --> 00:02:40,800
All right?"
53
00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:44,099
Dude's just like...
"You need a shotgun.
54
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:47,967
You need a shotgun, man.
It's got a good spread.
55
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,700
It's easy to load, doesn't have
a lot of working parts.
56
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:53,233
Got a good spread."
He kept saying that.
57
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:55,166
"It's got a good spread."
58
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:57,366
I'm like,
"What does that mean?"
59
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,999
He goes, "Well, that means you
ain't gotta be that accurate.
60
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,399
It's got a good spread.
Further away you are,
61
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,266
the more shit you hit.
62
00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:06,600
It's got a good spread.
63
00:03:06,601 --> 00:03:08,333
In fact, you got
a problem over here,
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00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:11,500
you ain't even gotta look.
You just turn... pow! That's it.
65
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:14,666
You ain't got a problem
over here anymore.
66
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:17,032
Anything that was even
remotely a problem
67
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,900
ain't there anymore.
Trust me.
68
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,333
And then these people here...
they saw what you just did here.
69
00:03:22,334 --> 00:03:24,333
You ain't got a problem here
either... feel me?
70
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:27,533
90 degrees taken care of
right there... one shot.
71
00:03:27,534 --> 00:03:29,800
These people get smart,
flip it over... whap!
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00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:33,099
That's it.
It's got a good spread."
73
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,166
So I'm, like, laughing
my ass off.
74
00:03:35,167 --> 00:03:37,733
I'm like, "Dude, look.
I just wanna shoot the guy.
75
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,900
I don't want to have to do
a bunch of drywall work.
76
00:03:39,901 --> 00:03:41,132
You know?
77
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:44,900
Reframe my diploma.
Get my parakeet another friend.
78
00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:48,132
You know?
I just wanna shoot the guy."
79
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,533
So I'm like, "You know,
how 'bout one of these pistols?"
80
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,933
So he does, like,
that classic, like,
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00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:53,433
that redneck
trailing off thing
82
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,900
like, "All right,
you want a pistol,
83
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,900
go ahead
and get a pistol...
84
00:03:56,901 --> 00:04:00,132
What do I know?
I just been here 20 years.
85
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:02,666
Get a shiny one, right?"
86
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:05,466
So I was like, "What's wrong
with getting a pistol?"
87
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:06,933
He goes, "I'll tell you why,
buddy.
88
00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:10,132
'Cause life...
Life ain't a movie.
89
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,833
You feel me?"
90
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,566
I'm like, "No,
can you please stop speaking
91
00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,366
in these backwoods riddles?
92
00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:17,900
Can you just say
what you're saying?
93
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:19,466
I told you I don't know
shit about guns.
94
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,366
Come on,
do me a solid here."
95
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:22,933
He goes, "Look, you ever
watch a movie,
96
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,600
guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw...
he kills three people.
97
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:26,900
Real life, man, you miss.
98
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,299
You miss
all the fucking time.
99
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,433
You miss enough times, man,
you're empty.
100
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:32,733
Might as well
juts be standing there
101
00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:35,600
with a big stapler
in your hand.
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00:04:35,601 --> 00:04:37,466
Then what ya gonna do?"
103
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:41,199
I was like, "Well, fuck it.
Let's get the shotgun."
104
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,900
He's all ready
to box the thing up,
105
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:44,466
and then I'm like,
"Wait a minute."
106
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:45,633
I live with my girl.
107
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,132
I can't just show up
with a shotgun, right?
108
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:50,867
That's not some shit
you can just come home with.
109
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:52,900
If I found this stool
on the side of the road,
110
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,433
I can come home with this.
Look at it!
111
00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:58,066
We can refinish it.
We can carve our initials in it.
112
00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,800
We can have a good time,
right?
113
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,399
I can't just show up
with a shotgun.
114
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,433
"Hey, I got it for us!"
Right?
115
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:09,132
One barrel for you,
one for me. No.
116
00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:12,500
So she kiboshes
the whole thing.
117
00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:14,166
Till the other night
somebody broke into our car
118
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,833
sitting in the driveway.
119
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,566
Starts fucking with
her head, right?
120
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:20,766
So she starts reading up
on guns, you know?
121
00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:23,132
But she's reading too much,
'cause now she wants to get one,
122
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:24,399
but she's just like,
"Well, I heard
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00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,999
you gotta keep the bullets
in a safe,
124
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,166
keep the stock
in the garage."
125
00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:29,566
And then what?
Then what,
126
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:31,533
I run around the house
and assemble it
127
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,333
as some dude's chasing me
with an ax, you know?
128
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,666
Are you even thinking
this thing through, sweetheart?
129
00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:38,566
Running around.
"Where... where's the scope?"
130
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:43,733
"It's in the living room."
"He's in the living room!"
131
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,132
No, if we're getting
this thing,
132
00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:46,700
I want that fucking thing
loaded
133
00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:47,967
right on the bedroom wall,
right there.
134
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:50,132
I'll put that thing
in my jam-jam sleeves.
135
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,900
Whoof! just like that.
136
00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,967
There's no other point.
137
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,433
It's funny, though,
138
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:59,733
when you talk about
getting a gun, you know?
139
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,633
People, like, they're either
totally for it
140
00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:03,132
or completely against it,
you know?
141
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:04,800
They either go nuts
and start screaming, right?
142
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:06,500
Or they start throwing out
those stats:
143
00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:08,032
"You know, actually,
144
00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:10,800
you increase your chances
of getting shot by 80%
145
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,900
the second
you get a gun in the house."
146
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:16,266
Really? What, 'cause I'm gonna
load it and shower with it,
147
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:20,633
like...
uhh... uh... uhh...
148
00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,833
The fuck?
I know it's dangerous.
149
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,266
You get a pool
in your backyard,
150
00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,433
you immediately increase
your odds of drowning
151
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,233
in your backyard, right?
152
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:29,733
You couldn't do that before.
153
00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:33,933
Now you step on a rake,
in you go!
154
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:35,800
No, I'm telling you,
155
00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:39,466
I don't buy into
any of that shit.
156
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,600
Stats are so
fucking stupid, you know?
157
00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,933
Not that they're stupid.
It's the way people apply 'em.
158
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:46,700
You already have
your mind made up,
159
00:06:46,701 --> 00:06:48,666
and then you go to
i'mright.com,
160
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:50,500
you start memorizing
a bunch of shit,
161
00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:54,233
then you just... blaaah!
Just throw it up at people.
162
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:56,032
This guy tried to get me
to go scuba diving.
163
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:57,366
I go, "I'm not going.
164
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:58,967
I don't wanna get eaten
by a shark."
165
00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:01,032
He's like, "Well, actually,
90% of shark attacks
166
00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:02,700
actually happen
in shallow water."
167
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:06,366
It's like, no shit.
That's where the people are.
168
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:08,700
You know?
It's called the beach.
169
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:12,466
90% of people are frolicking
along the coastline.
170
00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:14,867
It's not like there's people
swimming to Europe.
171
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,099
"Let's go to Iceland,
you pussies!"
172
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:20,833
Right?
173
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,800
I don't know.
174
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:25,233
But I actually like
Los Angeles.
175
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:27,700
One of the few east coast
people that likes it.
176
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:30,066
All my moron New York friends
and Boston friends,
177
00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,366
they come out there,
178
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,666
try to get a good slice of pizza
at 4:00 in the morning.
179
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:37,600
And they can't.
Like, "This fucking place sucks!
180
00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:40,099
It's not like exactly
where I left.
181
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,032
What's the point
of traveling
182
00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:44,967
if it's gonna be different?"
183
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:46,700
That's so fucking stupid.
184
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,266
Get a burrito
and go on a hike.
185
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,099
What's wrong with you?
You gonna go to Hawaii...
186
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:55,467
"There's no pond hockey!
This place sucks!"
187
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,399
I got to admit,
188
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,166
the only thing that freaks
me out about Los Angeles
189
00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:03,233
is all the plastic surgery.
190
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:05,399
I don't get it.
191
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,566
Why do people get
plastic surgery, you know?
192
00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:10,600
Why can't you just admit
it's over?
193
00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:13,399
You know?
You had your time.
194
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,967
Stop trying to look fuckable
in your 50s.
195
00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:19,700
It's weird!
With their faces yanked back...
196
00:08:19,701 --> 00:08:23,433
Looking all shiny, right?
197
00:08:23,434 --> 00:08:26,766
Not to mention they haven't even
figured it out, you know?
198
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,666
Why would you get
a face-lift?
199
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,233
Can't you look
at other face-lifts
200
00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:34,666
and realize they haven't
worked all the bugs out yet?
201
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,833
That's what
you wanna look like?
202
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:40,032
Like you just lost a fight
three days ago?
203
00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:42,999
Don't be a hero.
Let somebody else go in there...
204
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,399
Take the fucking beach.
205
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,533
You lay back...
Wait it out.
206
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:50,266
They're just lying to people.
"No, no, it looks great.
207
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:51,933
Looks great.
Put a little ice on it,
208
00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:53,500
we'll see you
in a couple of weeks.
209
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:54,600
All right, take it easy.
210
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,933
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck happened?
211
00:08:56,934 --> 00:08:59,867
We followed every step.
Did we miss something?
212
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,266
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, here's your keys.
213
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,099
Here's your keys.
There you go, there you go.
214
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,099
Almost didn't recognize you,
you look so young.
215
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,333
All right, take it easy.
216
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,999
She gone?
All right, she's gone.
217
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,266
Shred everything.
Shred it!"
218
00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,967
No, you're nuts.
219
00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:17,533
You wait it out.
Let 'em figure it out,
220
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:18,833
then you fucking go in.
221
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:21,733
Don't be a goddamn hero,
you know?
222
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:22,867
Look at hair plugs.
223
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:25,600
Hair plugs don't look
half bad now.
224
00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:27,132
Saw this guy
the other night on TV.
225
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,199
He's like, "Oh, god, I wish
I did this ten years ago."
226
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,233
It's like,
no, you don't!
227
00:09:32,234 --> 00:09:35,132
Ten years ago, when they
were stapling ant legs
228
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,099
to the tops of people's heads?
229
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,700
Remember that?
Your eyes would water
230
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:42,566
looking at their hairline...
like, "Is that sewn in?
231
00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:44,132
I see pine tar!"
232
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,233
They used to put you
in, like, a headlock.
233
00:09:46,234 --> 00:09:48,766
"Hold still!"
Use, like, a nail gun.
234
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:50,199
"Hold still!"
235
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,366
Guys would tap out
after a row and a half.
236
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:55,734
"Fuck it!
I don't give a shit!"
237
00:09:57,033 --> 00:09:59,099
You wish you got hair plugs
ten years ago.
238
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:03,366
Do you wish you got polio
60 years ago?
239
00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:06,967
What else is on
your wish list, sir?
240
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:11,333
No, you don't fuck
with your face... Okay?
241
00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:12,867
I understand liposuction.
242
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:17,900
They screw that up,
you can put on a shirt, right?
243
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:20,533
There's no shirt
for your face.
244
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,233
Who do they think
they're fooling
245
00:10:22,234 --> 00:10:23,933
with their stupid...
You know?
246
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:25,366
And then
you lie to yourself:
247
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,166
"I'm just gonna do a little...
just gonna do this.
248
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,500
Just gonna have this done."
No, you're not. You're not.
249
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:31,500
What, are you just gonna
wax the Fender on your car
250
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,633
then that's it, and the rest
of it looks all shitty?
251
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:35,132
"Well, maybe I'll just
do the hood.
252
00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:36,666
And maybe I'll do the back."
253
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,032
That's how it happens.
254
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,733
Then you look like one of
those real housewives...
255
00:10:40,734 --> 00:10:43,766
Face all twisted up.
256
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,633
Fucking idiots.
"Hey, do I look... "
257
00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:47,166
[laughter]
yeah, they're idiots!
258
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,366
"Do I look like
I'm in my 20s?"
259
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:52,933
No, you look weird.
You look fucking weird.
260
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,933
You still look like
you're in your 50s.
261
00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:57,032
I just can't guess
what year anymore
262
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,733
because I've never
seen that year.
263
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,867
I've never seen
that shiny fucking look.
264
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,132
It's almost like you discovered
a new age
265
00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:07,233
between 52 and 53.
266
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,600
Yeah.
267
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:12,166
People, there's nothing wrong
with being 52
268
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:13,933
and looking 52, all right?
269
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,366
You're 52.
You didn't get fucked.
270
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:16,733
[Applause]
Yeah.
271
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:20,066
What would you rather be...
52 and look 52
272
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:23,967
or be 52 and look like
a 28-year-old lizard?
273
00:11:23,968 --> 00:11:25,166
All right?
274
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:28,032
That's your options
at this point.
275
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:31,067
[Laughs]
276
00:11:34,434 --> 00:11:37,333
You know what's really...
like actually embarrassing
277
00:11:37,334 --> 00:11:38,433
is that the face-lift...
278
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:40,466
that's predominately
a white problem.
279
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,967
Have you noticed that?
280
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:45,266
I've never seen a black person
with a face-lift ever
281
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,666
other than like
the Jacksons.
282
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:49,333
But they're all
out of their minds, right?
283
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,199
'Cause their dad made 'em
rehearse all day
284
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,399
and sleep
in the fireplace.
285
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,433
Like jamming all nine...
286
00:11:55,434 --> 00:11:57,999
"Get in there,
you bastards!"
287
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,666
No hugs, no kisses.
288
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,633
His face permanently
twisted up
289
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,199
from 50 years of screaming,
290
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,533
"Sing, motherfucker!"
291
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:10,999
It's understandable
with them.
292
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,900
[Laughs]
293
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,900
Hey, do you know why so many
whities need face-lifts?
294
00:12:16,901 --> 00:12:21,032
I love that word.
I'm trying to bring it back.
295
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,900
I love it, it's funny.
Whitey!
296
00:12:23,901 --> 00:12:25,166
You know why?
297
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:28,066
Do you know why so many
caucasians need face-lifts?
298
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:32,333
'Cause we don't know
about lotion.
299
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,299
See that?
Only half of you laughed.
300
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,533
That should've been
everybody.
301
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:39,967
Yeah, but a lot of you were
sitting there like, "Well...
302
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,666
What about lotion?
303
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,533
"What is this lotion
you speak of,
304
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:47,867
and what is the magic
therein?"
305
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,733
Just to put it out there,
306
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:52,266
you can use lotion
on other parts of your body
307
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:55,032
besides your dick.
308
00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:56,633
Yeah.
309
00:12:56,634 --> 00:13:00,466
If you ever wondered why
your dick still looks brand-new
310
00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:04,766
but the rest of you is starting
to look like an aging pirate,
311
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,867
it's 'cause you need
to increase the circumference
312
00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:09,833
of the lotion distribution.
313
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,233
All right?
You got skin everywhere.
314
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,233
Go home.
Check yourself out.
315
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:16,466
The bottom of your feet
316
00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:19,733
look like
a prehistoric riverbed.
317
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:23,166
That's not part of
the natural aging process.
318
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,533
You're dried out.
319
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:29,099
I'm not judging you.
Not judging anybody.
320
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:30,299
I didn't know anything
about lotion.
321
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,967
Never used it the first
33 years of my life.
322
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:33,399
Never used it.
323
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,333
Till one night I was going out
with this black girl, right?
324
00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,633
She was getting ready,
325
00:13:36,634 --> 00:13:38,466
and she was just putting
that shit on everywhere.
326
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:39,967
Just slathering it on.
327
00:13:39,968 --> 00:13:43,132
I thought she had, like,
a rash or something.
328
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,700
I'm like, "What, do you got,
like, poison Ivy?
329
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,433
What's going on with you?"
330
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,299
She goes, "No, I'm just
making sure I'm not ashy."
331
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:52,733
I said, "Ashy?"
She goes, "Dry skin."
332
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:54,867
And I went, "Oh!"
333
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,366
I guess I freaked her out
a little bit,
334
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,099
'cause I was like,
"Oh!"
335
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,967
She was like, "Well,
white people get ashy too."
336
00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:03,666
I was like, "Yeah, you know,
I don't think we do."
337
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,466
[Laughter]
338
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,366
"Yeah, I been alive
for 33 years.
339
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:08,933
No one has ever said,
'Hey, Bill,
340
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,066
you're looking
a little ashy.'
341
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,766
I never even heard that word
until you said it."
342
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:16,066
She's like, "You're an idiot.
Stick out your arm."
343
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,900
So I stick out my arm,
and ever so gently,
344
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,633
she just drags her nails down.
345
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:20,867
This smoke starts coming up.
346
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:23,533
It's like pastry flakes
flying off.
347
00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:26,132
Track marks.
She's signing her name.
348
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,166
She's like, "You see that?"
She goes, "That's ashy.
349
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,399
You're ashy."
350
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,467
Freaked me out.
I'm like, "Holy shit, I'm ashy!"
351
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:36,566
I didn't know anything
about it.
352
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:40,633
All I knew was that I always
got itchy in the winter.
353
00:14:40,634 --> 00:14:42,867
Couldn't figure it out.
Always got itchy in the winter.
354
00:14:42,868 --> 00:14:44,199
Why the fuck do I get itchy?
355
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,099
I thought it meant
the bath towel was dirty.
356
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,299
That's what I thought.
357
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,333
And I would change it out
and put a fresh one.
358
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,333
"Now I'm gonna be okay."
Take a shower.
359
00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:52,900
Dry off.
Fucking itching again.
360
00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:55,900
God damn it,
I hate the winter.
361
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:58,800
See, that's why you gotta
hang out with everybody.
362
00:14:58,801 --> 00:15:01,266
[Laughter]
Yeah.
363
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,600
There's too much information
in the world,
364
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:06,867
and every group of people
misses a little bit.
365
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,666
White people totally missed
the lotion seminar
366
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,533
at some point in history.
367
00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:14,967
I don't know if it's 'cause
we can't see it, you know?
368
00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:16,733
Black people get ashy,
it like looks like
369
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,833
they, like, leaned up against
a chalkboard or something,
370
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,766
you know?
They can see it!
371
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,600
They miss it,
their friends help 'em out.
372
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:24,600
Like, "Look at your ashy
motherfucking elbow!
373
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:26,933
What is wrong with you?"
Right?
374
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,433
[Applause]
375
00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:30,933
We missed that shit the way
black people missed the whole
376
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,867
register your weapons
summit.
377
00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:36,099
Right?
378
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,399
Just never got
the information.
379
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,366
The amount of rappers
who've been busted
380
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,600
for the unregistered glock
in the car
381
00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:44,433
just blows my mind.
382
00:15:44,434 --> 00:15:47,233
It's like, why would you
do that to yourself?
383
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:49,166
Do you just wanna make
an album over the phone?
384
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:50,533
Is that what it is?
385
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,766
Is that, like, the new auto-tune
or some shit?
386
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,333
I don't know.
387
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,299
It breaks my heart
every time I see it.
388
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,433
I just think, "God, if he
just had one white friend...
389
00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,867
If he just had one white friend
in his entourage..."
390
00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,299
Dude would have been sitting
there going like,
391
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,099
"Is that thing registered?
392
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,800
You outta your mind?
393
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,967
Dude, get it outta there.
Get it outta there.
394
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,299
Yeah, it's illegal!
395
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,166
That's, like, fucking
three to five, mandatory!
396
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:16,733
Dude, how do you
not know that?
397
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:17,734
That's the question.
398
00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:19,299
How do you not
fucking know that?
399
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,266
This guy's got an unregistered
weapon in the car,
400
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,166
and we're just gonna
go driving around with it.
401
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,032
It's just...
it's just ridiculous!"
402
00:16:26,033 --> 00:16:29,500
[Laughter]
403
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:31,266
So see?
There ya go, all right?
404
00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:33,999
You don't need
a face-lift, okay?
405
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,633
Lay off the booze.
Do some cardio.
406
00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:39,766
Moisturize.
You're gonna be fine.
407
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:42,099
Okay?
Don't believe in these myths.
408
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,099
Black don't crack.
It's bullshit.
409
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,266
They all put lotion on,
410
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,999
like, every 20 minutes
during the day.
411
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,766
It's ridiculous!
412
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:50,999
They all got a giant
oil drum with the shit at home.
413
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,466
Every morning, they wake up,
they dunk themselves in it,
414
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:54,666
shake themselves off,
415
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,032
and walk out the door
absolutely glistening!
416
00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:58,633
Glistening!
417
00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:00,533
White guys like me
are walking around, no hat on...
418
00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:03,733
"Uh, let's go sailing!"
419
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:07,733
Passing out facedown
in the sand.
420
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:09,333
[Laughs]
421
00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:11,299
Speaking of no boozing, man,
422
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,766
I been really trying
to clean up my act
423
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,399
as far as
that boozing thing goes.
424
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,833
Just really been laying
off it, you know?
425
00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,132
I don't know what it is.
Your fucking head gets big
426
00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:21,399
as you get older, you know?
427
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,867
You keep boozing,
you start getting
428
00:17:22,868 --> 00:17:26,933
that big Alec Baldwin /
John Travolta head.
429
00:17:26,934 --> 00:17:28,766
And you don't notice though,
430
00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:30,166
'cause every day,
you're brushing your teeth
431
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:31,333
and you're seeing your head,
432
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,800
and it's just getting
a little bit bigger.
433
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,633
Keep drinking.
"I'll have another one" right?
434
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:36,900
Then one day you go to take
that cell phone picture,
435
00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:38,900
and you're just, like, 6 inches
in front of everybody else.
436
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:40,366
You don't think
it's a big deal.
437
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,700
Maybe you leaned in, 'cause
you're feeling good, right?
438
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,366
Then all of a sudden,
you look at the picture.
439
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:47,534
It's like, "Fucking yeah!
Whoo!"
440
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:51,533
It's like, "I gotta
lay off this shit."
441
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:53,533
So I've been
trying to learn...
442
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:55,566
learn how to fix shit
around the house.
443
00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,533
That's what's filling up
all this time
444
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,366
of just being sober.
445
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:00,900
That's brutal, dude.
446
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:04,867
You have no idea how long a year
is until you're stone sober.
447
00:18:04,868 --> 00:18:06,333
It's fucking brutal.
448
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:07,999
So I'm learning
how to fix shit, right?
449
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,333
My girlfriend doesn't like it
450
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:11,700
'cause she says I have a temper,
you know?
451
00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:12,999
She's like, "You know,
452
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,566
it's just not that
you're trying to fix things,
453
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:17,166
it's that you get frustrated,
you punch the wall,
454
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,999
the dog starts shaking.
455
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,266
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
456
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,700
You know, you're a comedian.
You should tell jokes.
457
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,800
He's a plumber.
He should plumb, right?"
458
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,066
[Laughs]
459
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,733
I'm trying to explain to her
that losing your shit
460
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:34,566
is part of the process
of fixing something, right?
461
00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:35,900
Everybody does that.
462
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,166
[Applause]
Right? Yeah!
463
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:40,199
You buy something at Ikea.
464
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,833
You get halfway through
putting it together.
465
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:43,833
You're like, "Dude, where
the fuck is the fucking...
466
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,633
oh, there it is.
There it is.
467
00:18:45,634 --> 00:18:47,233
There it is.
468
00:18:47,234 --> 00:18:49,199
Honey, I didn't see it.
469
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,967
I didn't see it!
470
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,399
Why, you wanna put it
together?
471
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,967
You wanna...
well, then you put it together.
472
00:18:53,968 --> 00:18:55,299
You put together this fucking
473
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,066
particle board
piece of fucking shit.
474
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:59,566
These instructions
make no sense!
475
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,299
I will buy another one!
I will buy another one.
476
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,433
I'll buy fucking five
and smash four if I want to.
477
00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:07,399
Don't tell me what to do!
478
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,366
Oh, go to your mother's.
I don't give a shit.
479
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,199
Jesus Ch... yeah,
what story you gonna tell?
480
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,833
This one, right?
Not the part about
481
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:19,032
how I pay
all the fucking bills, right?
482
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,266
How was that uncalled for?
483
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,933
How was that uncalled for?
484
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:24,800
I wasn't even talking
to you!
485
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,466
I was talking
to the fucking thing!
486
00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:30,266
I was talking
to the fucking thing!
487
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:32,766
I know what I said.
I know what I said, okay?
488
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:35,700
You don't need to tell me.
I know what I said, yes.
489
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:39,166
I am working on it.
I am working on it, all right?
490
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,600
Look... look, you think
I wanna be this guy?
491
00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:44,132
You think I wanna be the guy
who flips out
492
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:46,833
about the fucking tables?
I don't, okay?
493
00:19:46,834 --> 00:19:48,800
This isn't who I am.
This is who I became, all right?
494
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,099
I'm working through
this shit.
495
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,700
You didn't have to speak...
well, you do shit too, okay?
496
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:55,666
You do shit too.
497
00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:58,733
Well, I thought you were
going to your mother's!"
498
00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:02,600
[Laughter]
499
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:04,999
No, it's brutal.
500
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,833
I hate having a temper, man.
It's fucking embarrassing.
501
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:09,266
You know?
I don't know.
502
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:10,600
I'm sick of women trying...
503
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:13,199
every girl I ever date's
always trying to fix me.
504
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,633
Gets annoying
after a while, you know?
505
00:20:15,634 --> 00:20:19,766
Like you're not out of your mind
with all your fucking shoes?
506
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:21,066
Right?
What is that all about?
507
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,633
I'm sick of this hypothetical
perfect guy.
508
00:20:22,634 --> 00:20:23,867
Go get him.
509
00:20:23,868 --> 00:20:26,800
Go down to Applebee's,
let me know what you find.
510
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,867
Okay? I've had it.
I'm working, I'm trying.
511
00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:32,433
You go down and you get this
"Mr. even-keeled all the time"
512
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:35,999
with his little fucking
sport coat, right?
513
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,266
You live with that guy
for a while, you know?
514
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:40,466
"Hey, honey, I'm home.
How are ya?
515
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:43,399
Traffic was crazy.
Almost lost it,
516
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,466
but thank god
I had that book on tape, right?
517
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:49,333
Gulliver's travels.
Always a classic.
518
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:51,099
Always a classic."
519
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,433
That's the guy you want,
straight across the board?
520
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,466
Even in the bedroom, right?
521
00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:58,299
Always making love to you
missionary style.
522
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:02,066
"I love you.
Your hair is like an ocean."
523
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,299
Never knowing you like to be
flipped over
524
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:06,366
and have your face mushed
into the pillows,
525
00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:09,233
you fucking psycho, right?
526
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,867
[Laughs]
527
00:21:11,868 --> 00:21:14,266
Naw, she's right.
528
00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:17,399
She's always right.
I do, I gotta work on it.
529
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,299
I hate having a temper,
you know?
530
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:20,833
I don't know
if it's hereditary.
531
00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,700
I don't know if it's part of
the country I'm from.
532
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:24,833
I've always snapped,
you know?
533
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,099
My dad was like that.
534
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,933
My dad's the greatest dude
I ever met in my life,
535
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:29,066
and he had a temper.
536
00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:31,233
Anytime anything
broke in the house,
537
00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:32,399
five minutes into fixing it,
538
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,533
he was bitching
about his marriage.
539
00:21:34,534 --> 00:21:36,166
[Laughs]
540
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:38,733
It was hilarious.
He'd see something broke...
541
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:41,533
"Oh, Christ,
will you look at that?
542
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:43,566
Goddamn it, Billy,
gimme that fucking screwdriver.
543
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:44,800
I swear to god,
544
00:21:44,801 --> 00:21:47,466
I don't know what the fuck
I ever got married for.
545
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:49,166
13 goddamn years
of this shit.
546
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:51,800
You're a bitch, lady!
You been a bitch for years.
547
00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:53,032
Give me the pliers.
548
00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:54,999
Yeah, most guys
would've left by now!
549
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,700
Most guys would've
left by now!"
550
00:21:57,701 --> 00:21:59,800
[Laughs]
551
00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:01,399
That was one of his
catchphrases:
552
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,433
"Most guys would've
left by now"
553
00:22:03,434 --> 00:22:07,299
and "You don't know how
fucking good you got it, lady!"
554
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,099
[Laughter]
555
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,600
Yeah, when I was a kid,
I thought he was nuts.
556
00:22:11,601 --> 00:22:14,099
Then I got older, you know,
started dating.
557
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:17,566
I realized, "Eh, this guy's
making a lotta good points."
558
00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:18,999
[Laughter, applause]
559
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,700
"He's not expressing them
in the healthiest of ways."
560
00:22:23,701 --> 00:22:24,900
I gotta be honest with you.
561
00:22:24,901 --> 00:22:26,466
I'm kinda, like, jealous
of the way
562
00:22:26,467 --> 00:22:29,266
my dad gets to talk
to my mom sometimes, you know?
563
00:22:29,267 --> 00:22:31,333
Where are all those
old-school women
564
00:22:31,334 --> 00:22:34,399
you can just take your day
out on, you know?
565
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,700
When did they stop making
those angels
566
00:22:37,701 --> 00:22:40,166
who just knew it had
nothing to do with them.
567
00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:45,032
They'd just sit there, let you
blow out the lines, right?
568
00:22:45,033 --> 00:22:47,833
What a luxury... Right?
569
00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:50,199
To fail all day,
you come home and download
570
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,066
all your insecurities
on this other person.
571
00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:55,733
"How was your day?"
"How the fuck was your day?
572
00:22:55,734 --> 00:22:57,766
I'm out here
making decisions!
573
00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,700
Take these kids away from me.
Get me a goddamn drink.
574
00:23:00,701 --> 00:23:03,633
Oh, with the tears!"
575
00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:08,533
[Laughs]
576
00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:11,299
Then the bra-burning
generation came in, right?
577
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:12,433
Now you gotta sit there
578
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,700
and listen to their stories
all the time.
579
00:23:14,701 --> 00:23:16,700
Oh, it's the worst.
You know what's the worst?
580
00:23:16,701 --> 00:23:18,833
Is when they're telling you
a story and you wanna listen,
581
00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:20,266
but just what
they're talking about,
582
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,900
you can't even retain it.
583
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,900
"So I was supposed to go out
to lunch with Jennifer.
584
00:23:24,901 --> 00:23:25,933
I'm all ready to do that.
585
00:23:25,934 --> 00:23:27,299
I show up.
She's there with Susan.
586
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:29,700
She knows I hate Susan.
I look like shit.
587
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:30,967
Susan's been going
to the gym."
588
00:23:30,968 --> 00:23:32,099
I mean, at that point,
589
00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:33,466
your head is like
a newborn baby.
590
00:23:33,467 --> 00:23:36,166
You're trying to...
591
00:23:36,167 --> 00:23:40,600
Trying to hold it up,
you know?
592
00:23:40,601 --> 00:23:43,800
You can't! Even if you try
to pay attention, you can't.
593
00:23:43,801 --> 00:23:45,733
You just start staring
at their mouth after a while,
594
00:23:45,734 --> 00:23:47,533
like, "I can't believe
it keeps coming out.
595
00:23:47,534 --> 00:23:49,700
This is fucking
unbelievable."
596
00:23:49,701 --> 00:23:51,500
Like, "rrhh-rrhh-rrhh
rrhh-rrhh-rrhh."
597
00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,633
It starts fading off...
"Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh..."
598
00:23:53,634 --> 00:23:55,466
You start thinking about
your own life, right?
599
00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:57,433
"Why'd I take Nebraska
giving 28?
600
00:23:57,434 --> 00:23:59,800
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's an away game."
601
00:23:59,801 --> 00:24:01,266
All of a sudden,
her voice goes "eehh-eehh... "
602
00:24:01,267 --> 00:24:03,733
it goes up, all right?
"Eehh-eehh-eet."
603
00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,566
Like, "Aw, fuck.
That was a question."
604
00:24:06,567 --> 00:24:09,099
[Laughter, applause]
605
00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:11,399
All right,
now what do you do?
606
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,933
Can't say yes.
You can't say no.
607
00:24:12,934 --> 00:24:14,533
You gotta come
with something neutral.
608
00:24:14,534 --> 00:24:15,900
"Eh, what the fuck
you gonna do?
609
00:24:15,901 --> 00:24:18,700
What are ya gonna do?
610
00:24:18,701 --> 00:24:19,766
It is what it is.
611
00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:21,366
You put one foot
in front of the other,
612
00:24:21,367 --> 00:24:22,867
and, uh..."
613
00:24:22,868 --> 00:24:26,733
Halftime adjustments.
Uh... Got nothing.
614
00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:28,633
[Laughs]
615
00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:31,867
No. I don't wanna make my dad
out like a psycho.
616
00:24:31,868 --> 00:24:33,666
My dad's the best dude
I know, man.
617
00:24:33,667 --> 00:24:35,433
But you know,
I understand him, though.
618
00:24:35,434 --> 00:24:39,032
He's like the exact
opposite of me, you know?
619
00:24:39,033 --> 00:24:41,299
I planned out my life
a little more, right?
620
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,166
That's why I never got married.
621
00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:44,833
Never thought about
getting married.
622
00:24:44,834 --> 00:24:46,833
It just looked horrific.
623
00:24:46,834 --> 00:24:48,366
It looked really difficult.
624
00:24:48,367 --> 00:24:50,967
It looked like
a lot of 'em failed.
625
00:24:50,968 --> 00:24:52,099
Then if you had a kid,
626
00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:54,566
you had that whole weird
situation, right?
627
00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:56,666
You got this thing
that half looks like you,
628
00:24:56,667 --> 00:24:58,399
half looks like somebody
you used to love
629
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,132
and now wanna slap
the shit out of, right?
630
00:25:01,133 --> 00:25:03,233
Kid's coming up to the walk.
631
00:25:03,234 --> 00:25:05,299
You're like, "Son, just look
to the right a little.
632
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:08,800
Let me just kinda... "
"But, dad, I wanna look at ya."
633
00:25:08,801 --> 00:25:10,933
[Laughs]
634
00:25:10,934 --> 00:25:12,566
It's brutal!
635
00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:14,900
My dad was the exact opposite.
636
00:25:14,901 --> 00:25:17,533
Fell in love, got married,
just started having kids.
637
00:25:17,534 --> 00:25:20,700
Had five kids
by the time he was 33.
638
00:25:20,701 --> 00:25:23,733
Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil,
639
00:25:23,734 --> 00:25:25,733
pre- chicken soup forthe "Holy fuck,
640
00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:26,967
I got five kids.
641
00:25:26,968 --> 00:25:29,366
I don't even know
who I am yet."
642
00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:31,600
The pressure of that,
feeding all those kids, man.
643
00:25:31,601 --> 00:25:32,766
I'm telling you.
644
00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:34,433
Every three or four days,
he would just snap.
645
00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:36,299
Just snap outta nowhere,
you know?
646
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:37,867
"Can you pass the salt?"
"Ah, you fucking bitch!
647
00:25:37,868 --> 00:25:39,633
What the fuck did I get married
for, it's bullshit!"
648
00:25:39,634 --> 00:25:42,433
Boom! he'd slam the door,
have the car in third gear
649
00:25:42,434 --> 00:25:44,399
by the time he got it
to the end of the driveway.
650
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,433
Buh-buh-bah-bah!
651
00:25:46,434 --> 00:25:48,600
My mother would always do
the exact same shit.
652
00:25:48,601 --> 00:25:50,566
Just lock the door behind him,
turn around,
653
00:25:50,567 --> 00:25:51,633
look at the kids,
and just be like...
654
00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,533
"Sss. eesh!"
655
00:25:53,534 --> 00:25:55,032
[Laughter]
656
00:25:55,033 --> 00:25:58,900
"Now, he's just crazy.
He's just a crazy person.
657
00:25:58,901 --> 00:26:00,833
What is wrong with him?"
658
00:26:00,834 --> 00:26:02,233
Eight hours later,
he'd show up.
659
00:26:02,234 --> 00:26:04,199
No apology.
She'd have dinner ready.
660
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,466
She messed it up,
he'd give her a rough time.
661
00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:09,633
"Christ, you cooked
the shit out of it!"
662
00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:13,066
[Laughs]
663
00:26:13,067 --> 00:26:14,233
I don't know.
664
00:26:14,234 --> 00:26:16,533
I think I'll be
a good dad, though.
665
00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:18,399
You know?
[Laughter]
666
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,333
I do.
667
00:26:20,334 --> 00:26:22,166
[Laughs]
No, analyze it.
668
00:26:22,167 --> 00:26:23,933
Actually, it's finally
come to the point,
669
00:26:23,934 --> 00:26:24,999
I wanna have a kid,
670
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,666
and I don't think
it's that hard.
671
00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:29,933
I don't.
Part of me really believes that,
672
00:26:29,934 --> 00:26:31,233
and the other part is
673
00:26:31,234 --> 00:26:33,600
I just like pissing off people
with kids, you know?
674
00:26:33,601 --> 00:26:34,933
Whenever you say
shit like that...
675
00:26:34,934 --> 00:26:37,633
"Dude, you have no idea
how difficult it is!"
676
00:26:37,634 --> 00:26:40,399
This is a great one to say.
"Well, I mean, I got a dog,
677
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,266
I mean... You know?
How much diff... "
678
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:44,933
"Dude, you can't even fucking
compare it to a dog!"
679
00:26:44,934 --> 00:26:45,967
"Yeah, I can.
680
00:26:45,968 --> 00:26:48,266
I just did,
and I'll do it again.
681
00:26:48,267 --> 00:26:50,633
Mine's got four legs.
Yours only has two.
682
00:26:50,634 --> 00:26:53,032
Go ahead.
683
00:26:53,033 --> 00:26:54,566
Yours bites someone,
it gets a time out.
684
00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:58,434
Mine gets put down.
Stakes are raised."
685
00:27:01,033 --> 00:27:02,299
No, I think I know.
686
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:03,867
I think I know
how to raise a kid.
687
00:27:03,868 --> 00:27:05,867
You know what it is?
You just play catch with 'em.
688
00:27:05,868 --> 00:27:08,233
I think that's the big deal.
That's how you raise a kid.
689
00:27:08,234 --> 00:27:10,933
You play catch with 'em.
And you just talk about life.
690
00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:12,900
You distract 'em
by throwing the ball.
691
00:27:12,901 --> 00:27:15,166
They don't even notice
you're filling their heads up
692
00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:16,967
with your theories.
693
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:19,700
Right?
694
00:27:19,701 --> 00:27:21,099
You don't do it
the old-school way
695
00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:23,166
the way your parents used to.
Sit down across from you...
696
00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:25,199
"You wanna tell me
about your day?
697
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,766
Did anybody offer you
any drugs?
698
00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:28,066
You learning about sex?"
699
00:27:28,067 --> 00:27:30,466
You're like, "Dude, you're
fucking freaking me out!
700
00:27:30,467 --> 00:27:33,933
Trying to eat
a pop-tart here" right?
701
00:27:33,934 --> 00:27:35,032
No, you just take him
in the back.
702
00:27:35,033 --> 00:27:36,199
You play catch with him.
703
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,933
That's it.
You talk about life, right?
704
00:27:37,934 --> 00:27:39,199
"What's that, son?
705
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,766
Ah, we're not
going to church today.
706
00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:42,500
Fuck that.
707
00:27:42,501 --> 00:27:45,299
Ah, it's all
a bunch of bullshit.
708
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,933
God's everywhere, but I gotta
go down there to see him?
709
00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:50,333
Really? And he's mad at me
down there,
710
00:27:50,334 --> 00:27:53,867
and I owe ya money?
Go fuck yourself.
711
00:27:53,868 --> 00:27:57,967
That's stupid.
It's ridiculous.
712
00:27:57,968 --> 00:28:00,533
It's in here, all right?
713
00:28:00,534 --> 00:28:01,700
It's not down...
it's in here.
714
00:28:01,701 --> 00:28:03,066
They try to take it.
It's in here.
715
00:28:03,067 --> 00:28:04,366
You do something good,
you feel good.
716
00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:06,166
You do something bad,
you feel bad, you know?
717
00:28:06,167 --> 00:28:07,566
Unless you're, like,
a sociopath,
718
00:28:07,567 --> 00:28:09,500
then you don't feel shit,
you know?
719
00:28:09,501 --> 00:28:11,733
Unless you got somebody
duct-taped upside down
720
00:28:11,734 --> 00:28:13,600
in your apartment,
you know?
721
00:28:13,601 --> 00:28:14,967
If you do something
like that,
722
00:28:14,968 --> 00:28:17,766
I want you to feel like
you can come to me, you know?
723
00:28:17,767 --> 00:28:19,700
Yeah, come to me.
Confess all of that.
724
00:28:19,701 --> 00:28:22,433
We'll go down to the precinct.
We'll tell them everything.
725
00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:24,967
Yeah, I'm gonna turn you in.
This isn't fucking Dexter.
726
00:28:24,968 --> 00:28:26,500
What are you,
out of your mind?
727
00:28:26,501 --> 00:28:29,266
Gonna have some feel-good
serial killer walking around.
728
00:28:29,267 --> 00:28:32,433
He only kills
the bad people."
729
00:28:32,434 --> 00:28:36,366
[Laughter]
730
00:28:36,367 --> 00:28:39,566
"Listen, I know
your mother and I,
731
00:28:39,567 --> 00:28:41,099
we've been arguing
a lot lately, all right?
732
00:28:41,100 --> 00:28:43,233
But you know I love her.
I love her to death, okay?
733
00:28:43,234 --> 00:28:44,900
It's weird.
I love her to death,
734
00:28:44,901 --> 00:28:47,266
but when I watch her eat toast,
just wanna...
735
00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:50,099
I just wanna choke her.
I don't know what it is.
736
00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:52,199
It's the routine...
right, left, then the middle.
737
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,099
Why don't you just fold it
in half and fucking eat it?
738
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:57,166
You know what I mean?
739
00:28:57,167 --> 00:28:58,933
It's unreal, you know?
740
00:28:58,934 --> 00:29:02,132
That's when you know, you know,
you met the right one.
741
00:29:02,133 --> 00:29:04,967
When you wanna slap the shit
out of them, but you don't.
742
00:29:04,968 --> 00:29:07,099
You know?
You wanna leave, but you don't.
743
00:29:07,100 --> 00:29:10,366
There's something about 'em...
You just can't fucking leave.
744
00:29:10,367 --> 00:29:12,533
Right?
745
00:29:12,534 --> 00:29:14,600
So don't settle down
till you meet one like that.
746
00:29:14,601 --> 00:29:15,900
That's when you know.
747
00:29:15,901 --> 00:29:18,366
Till then, you don't put
a condom on, you know?
748
00:29:18,367 --> 00:29:20,233
Just bang as many
as you can
749
00:29:20,234 --> 00:29:21,733
so you don't have
a midlife crisis.
750
00:29:21,734 --> 00:29:23,399
That's what you do.
Don't tell your mother
751
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,700
I'm telling you
any of this shit either."
752
00:29:25,701 --> 00:29:28,633
[Laughing]
753
00:29:28,634 --> 00:29:30,333
[Cheers and applause]
754
00:29:30,334 --> 00:29:33,032
Yeah.
That's my, uh...
755
00:29:33,033 --> 00:29:35,801
That's my game plan.
756
00:29:38,601 --> 00:29:40,533
You know,
I do have a dog.
757
00:29:40,534 --> 00:29:42,633
That doesn't count
for anything?
758
00:29:42,634 --> 00:29:44,967
Never understood that,
you know?
759
00:29:44,968 --> 00:29:47,099
I love my dog, but, uh...
760
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:50,032
I've learned a lot being
a dog owner, man, you know?
761
00:29:50,033 --> 00:29:53,066
Any dog's a good dog
unless you're a psycho.
762
00:29:53,067 --> 00:29:54,533
You know?
I got a pit bull.
763
00:29:54,534 --> 00:29:57,099
It's still a great dog,
unless you're a fucking psycho.
764
00:29:57,100 --> 00:29:58,666
And evidently,
I'm a psycho,
765
00:29:58,667 --> 00:30:01,900
because my dog has been...
just been a complete maniac
766
00:30:01,901 --> 00:30:04,666
over the last, like,
six months, you know?
767
00:30:04,667 --> 00:30:08,199
I didn't realize that dogs
feed off your vibes, you know?
768
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,800
Like if you're chillin',
they're chillin', you know?
769
00:30:10,801 --> 00:30:12,533
If you're sleeping,
they're sleeping.
770
00:30:12,534 --> 00:30:14,099
But if you're
a psycho like me
771
00:30:14,100 --> 00:30:15,900
and you're screaming
at the ref on TV,
772
00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:18,032
being like, "Dude, you gotta be
fucking kidding me!"
773
00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:20,199
I didn't realize the dog
was over in the corner
774
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,900
being like, "Yeah,
you gotta be fucking kidding me.
775
00:30:23,901 --> 00:30:25,032
This is bullshit!
776
00:30:25,033 --> 00:30:26,333
I don't know what
this guy's mad at,
777
00:30:26,334 --> 00:30:28,299
but I love this guy!
This guy feeds me...
778
00:30:28,300 --> 00:30:30,967
Is it the door?
Are ya mad at the door?"
779
00:30:30,968 --> 00:30:33,900
[Laughter]
780
00:30:33,901 --> 00:30:36,933
Yeah. I had no idea
I was amping this dog up.
781
00:30:36,934 --> 00:30:38,999
I'm so selfishly
in my own world.
782
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,032
I'd be like on the computer,
it'd crash.
783
00:30:41,033 --> 00:30:43,132
"Oh, really? Really?!"
784
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:44,967
Dog's over in the corner
with, like, a chew toy.
785
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:48,266
[Growling]
786
00:30:48,267 --> 00:30:50,166
I never noticed,
like, that game-seven look
787
00:30:50,167 --> 00:30:51,999
she was gettin' on her face.
788
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:53,633
And one day,
I amped her up too much,
789
00:30:53,634 --> 00:30:55,466
had no clue,
and I went outside.
790
00:30:55,467 --> 00:30:56,967
We were just walking
down the street,
791
00:30:56,968 --> 00:30:58,399
and some poor bastard
comes the other way
792
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,266
and the dog's like,
That's that motherfucker!
793
00:31:00,267 --> 00:31:01,933
Aaaahhh!"
794
00:31:01,934 --> 00:31:03,700
Lunges at this guy!
I had to pull her back.
795
00:31:03,701 --> 00:31:05,533
I'm like, "Dude, I'm sorry, man,
I'm sorry.
796
00:31:05,534 --> 00:31:07,199
She's never done
anything like that" right?
797
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:08,867
Looking down at the dog like,
"What's wrong with you?"
798
00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,366
Dog's looking up at me
like, "Huh?
799
00:31:10,367 --> 00:31:12,032
I got that son of a bitch,
didn't I?
800
00:31:12,033 --> 00:31:13,900
I love you!
You feed me. I got you.
801
00:31:13,901 --> 00:31:16,099
How the hell did you see him
that far away, man?
802
00:31:16,100 --> 00:31:18,733
Your ears must be better
than mine... it's unbelievable."
803
00:31:18,734 --> 00:31:20,032
Right?
804
00:31:20,033 --> 00:31:22,999
Then I got nervous.
I got nervous around my own dog.
805
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:25,366
I started thinking, "Fuck,
are pit bulls really like this?
806
00:31:25,367 --> 00:31:27,433
Do they just go psycho?
Man, this is nuts" right?
807
00:31:27,434 --> 00:31:29,700
That's another bad vibe
to have around your dog,
808
00:31:29,701 --> 00:31:31,433
'cause they pick up
on that vibe, right?
809
00:31:31,434 --> 00:31:32,800
This dude comes walking
down the street,
810
00:31:32,801 --> 00:31:34,566
and I immediately just start
thinking like, "Oh, shit,
811
00:31:34,567 --> 00:31:36,433
she gonna do it again?
Oh, shit, oh, shit."
812
00:31:36,434 --> 00:31:37,766
Dog just looks at me like,
"Oh, shit, what?
813
00:31:37,767 --> 00:31:39,199
Oh, shit, what? Him?
Him, him?
814
00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:40,999
Rrraaaah!"
Runs at another guy.
815
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,633
Gotta pull her back.
"Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!"
816
00:31:43,634 --> 00:31:45,066
Looking down at the dog.
817
00:31:45,067 --> 00:31:50,266
Dog's trying to chest bump me
and shit, right?
818
00:31:50,267 --> 00:31:51,366
Dude, it got so bad one day,
819
00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:53,933
she almost ate
a landscaper, right?
820
00:31:53,934 --> 00:31:56,967
Yeah! so I'm like, "I gotta take
this thing to a trainer, man."
821
00:31:56,968 --> 00:32:00,366
So I load it up in the Prius
and I drive over there, right?
822
00:32:00,367 --> 00:32:02,566
[Laughter]
Yeah, I have a Prius.
823
00:32:02,567 --> 00:32:05,967
Go ahead, judge me.
824
00:32:05,968 --> 00:32:08,333
I love that shit.
If you have a Prius, people...
825
00:32:08,334 --> 00:32:09,900
you know?
You can't win.
826
00:32:09,901 --> 00:32:11,433
You got a truck
with a big lift kit...
827
00:32:11,434 --> 00:32:14,900
people, "Oh, it's probably
'cause he has a little dick."
828
00:32:14,901 --> 00:32:17,066
How come it's not 'cause he
has a dick down to the floor?
829
00:32:17,067 --> 00:32:20,066
Maybe that's why he needs
all that clearance, right?
830
00:32:20,067 --> 00:32:21,733
[Laughter]
831
00:32:21,734 --> 00:32:23,967
You know?
[Laughs]
832
00:32:23,968 --> 00:32:25,700
And if that means you have
a little dick,
833
00:32:25,701 --> 00:32:26,833
then if I have a Prius,
834
00:32:26,834 --> 00:32:29,399
doesn't that mean
I have a huge dick, right?
835
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:34,833
'Cause according to my friends,
it means I'm a fag, right?
836
00:32:34,834 --> 00:32:37,566
Anyways...
837
00:32:37,567 --> 00:32:40,132
Let me towel off here
for a moment.
838
00:32:40,133 --> 00:32:43,299
So I fucking take
this dog down
839
00:32:43,300 --> 00:32:44,566
to this trainer, right?
840
00:32:44,567 --> 00:32:46,099
And I show up,
got the dog in the back.
841
00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:47,766
Trainer comes out.
He's got his hat on backwards,
842
00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:49,032
he's got stubble, you know?
843
00:32:49,033 --> 00:32:52,166
Big, large cargo pants,
you know?
844
00:32:52,167 --> 00:32:53,167
All shorts on and stuff
and I'm thinking,
845
00:32:53,168 --> 00:32:54,600
"This guy's a psycho"
right?
846
00:32:54,601 --> 00:32:55,933
And I look at my dog,
my dog's, like, sizing him up.
847
00:32:55,934 --> 00:32:57,399
I'm like, "This is perfect.
He can handle her."
848
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,566
So the guy goes, "All right,
when you hand this dog to me,
849
00:32:59,567 --> 00:33:01,500
make sure you got the leash
totally taut like that,
850
00:33:01,501 --> 00:33:02,700
all right?
Don't have any slack in it."
851
00:33:02,701 --> 00:33:03,999
I said, "No problem"
right?
852
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,533
And somehow I fucked up.
I left a little slack in it,
853
00:33:06,534 --> 00:33:08,867
and this dog just lunged
right at the dude's balls.
854
00:33:08,868 --> 00:33:11,132
Right?
And just barely missed him
855
00:33:11,133 --> 00:33:13,633
and just got a big mouthful
of his big cargo shorts, right?
856
00:33:13,634 --> 00:33:14,900
And immediately
he just grabs her and goes,
857
00:33:14,901 --> 00:33:16,600
"All right, get outta here!
Get outta here!" Right?
858
00:33:16,601 --> 00:33:18,700
But instinctually,
I tried to help out.
859
00:33:18,701 --> 00:33:22,733
He just goes,
"Get the fuck outta here!"
860
00:33:22,734 --> 00:33:23,999
Yeah, I didn't realize
861
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,700
that the only reason why the dog
was acting like that
862
00:33:25,701 --> 00:33:27,266
was because I was there
863
00:33:27,267 --> 00:33:29,066
and it felt like
it needed to protect me.
864
00:33:29,067 --> 00:33:30,433
So the second I left,
865
00:33:30,434 --> 00:33:33,333
the situation immediately
just became awkward, right?
866
00:33:33,334 --> 00:33:34,933
Dog was just
sitting there like,
867
00:33:34,934 --> 00:33:36,366
[valley accent]
"Okay, like I thought were,
868
00:33:36,367 --> 00:33:39,066
like, together
and we were, like, friends,
869
00:33:39,067 --> 00:33:40,299
and you were some bad guy,
870
00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:41,666
and all of a sudden,
he just drove away,
871
00:33:41,667 --> 00:33:42,967
and I don't know how
to feed myself.
872
00:33:42,968 --> 00:33:45,767
You wanna be friends?"
873
00:33:47,467 --> 00:33:49,132
Yeah, I come back
four days later.
874
00:33:49,133 --> 00:33:51,366
The dog's laying
at the guy's feet, right?
875
00:33:51,367 --> 00:33:52,700
He's rubbing her belly.
876
00:33:52,701 --> 00:33:55,800
She's reaching up, playing
with his goatee and shit.
877
00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:58,333
And he goes,
"Go ahead, have a seat.
878
00:33:58,334 --> 00:34:01,766
Why don't you, uh, take me
through your day with this dog."
879
00:34:01,767 --> 00:34:05,766
Immediately, I started getting,
like, this first 48 vibe, right?
880
00:34:05,767 --> 00:34:08,833
Like they're coming at me.
881
00:34:08,834 --> 00:34:10,633
So I got like defensive.
I'm like, "What do you mean?
882
00:34:10,634 --> 00:34:11,766
I take it for a hike
every morning."
883
00:34:11,767 --> 00:34:13,233
He goes, "That's good.
That's good.
884
00:34:13,234 --> 00:34:15,032
Anything, you know,
special happen on the hike?"
885
00:34:15,033 --> 00:34:17,366
I'm like, "Well, I don't know.
She takes a shit.
886
00:34:17,367 --> 00:34:18,600
I pick it up."
887
00:34:18,601 --> 00:34:21,166
He's like,
"All right. Easy.
888
00:34:21,167 --> 00:34:24,066
You play any games with her?"
889
00:34:24,067 --> 00:34:25,399
I go, "Yeah, at the end
of the hike.
890
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,566
I let her, you know, for reward
for going on the hike,
891
00:34:27,567 --> 00:34:29,166
I let her run up the stairs
by herself.
892
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:31,299
I go, 'Go on, Cleo!'
I let her run up the stairs,
893
00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:33,266
and I count 5-1,000,
and then I run up there,
894
00:34:33,267 --> 00:34:34,967
and then we start wrestling.
Put her in a headlock.
895
00:34:34,968 --> 00:34:37,099
Sweep her front legs.
Haaaah! Right?
896
00:34:37,100 --> 00:34:38,900
But her tail's wagging,
you know?
897
00:34:38,901 --> 00:34:39,933
She's not growling."
898
00:34:39,934 --> 00:34:41,266
I go, "That's a good thing,
right?"
899
00:34:41,267 --> 00:34:43,333
He's like,
"No, it's fucking horrible."
900
00:34:43,334 --> 00:34:44,433
I'm like, "Why?"
901
00:34:44,434 --> 00:34:45,766
He goes,
"You just taught your dog
902
00:34:45,767 --> 00:34:47,833
to claim the house
and then fight for it
903
00:34:47,834 --> 00:34:51,867
every fucking day
after the hike.
904
00:34:51,868 --> 00:34:54,766
No wonder this thing's
trying to attack the mailman,
905
00:34:54,767 --> 00:34:56,666
you know?"
906
00:34:56,667 --> 00:34:58,132
So then I got upset.
I'm like, "Wait a minute, dude,
907
00:34:58,133 --> 00:35:00,233
you're telling me, like,
I can't even play with my dog?"
908
00:35:00,234 --> 00:35:01,766
He's like,
"No, you can play with it,
909
00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:03,566
but you gotta bring
that energy back down.
910
00:35:03,567 --> 00:35:05,299
The problem is you keep
amping this thing up,
911
00:35:05,300 --> 00:35:07,399
getting that Mike singletary
look on his face.
912
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,132
Then by the time
you walk out,
913
00:35:09,133 --> 00:35:10,700
doesn't matter
if you're relaxed...
914
00:35:10,701 --> 00:35:12,933
mentally, the dog is like
walking through the tunnel
915
00:35:12,934 --> 00:35:17,166
at the Rose bowl like,
'this is what we play for!
916
00:35:17,167 --> 00:35:21,300
somebody hit somebody!'"
917
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,166
Yeah, so I'm actually learning
to control my temper
918
00:35:27,167 --> 00:35:29,999
because of
a fucking pit bull.
919
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,933
So... I don't know.
920
00:35:31,934 --> 00:35:33,800
My girl's
been bugging me lately.
921
00:35:33,801 --> 00:35:35,066
She's ready to settle down.
922
00:35:35,067 --> 00:35:37,166
I think I'm ready
to settle down, too, you know?
923
00:35:37,167 --> 00:35:38,266
I got the want.
924
00:35:38,267 --> 00:35:40,566
I know I been saying this shit
for years.
925
00:35:40,567 --> 00:35:42,700
I have been, you know?
She's great.
926
00:35:42,701 --> 00:35:47,266
The only thing I don't like
is she's really into reality TV.
927
00:35:47,267 --> 00:35:49,066
She watches
all those dumb shows.
928
00:35:49,067 --> 00:35:52,032
Put ten whores in a house,
929
00:35:52,033 --> 00:35:54,867
somebody tries to find a wife.
Right?
930
00:35:54,868 --> 00:35:58,833
She watches fat people cry
about fudgsicles.
931
00:35:58,834 --> 00:36:00,132
Just blubbering
their eyes out.
932
00:36:00,133 --> 00:36:02,466
"Sometimes I don't even
open the wrapper.
933
00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:03,933
I just start eating,
934
00:36:03,934 --> 00:36:05,466
and then I get
down to the stick,
935
00:36:05,467 --> 00:36:09,199
and I know I should stop
'cause it's made out of wood."
936
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,266
She sits there crying
right along with 'em.
937
00:36:12,267 --> 00:36:16,299
Ah, throw yourself in the river,
you fat fuck.
938
00:36:16,300 --> 00:36:19,266
Ah, she gets so mad at me.
939
00:36:19,267 --> 00:36:21,166
Look, I don't put on TV
to cry.
940
00:36:21,167 --> 00:36:22,366
I like to be entertained.
941
00:36:22,367 --> 00:36:24,299
I love when they fall
on the treadmill
942
00:36:24,300 --> 00:36:26,266
and go flying
into the drywall.
943
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:28,933
It's like some modern-day
medieval weapon!
944
00:36:28,934 --> 00:36:31,733
I love it!
945
00:36:31,734 --> 00:36:33,066
All those horrific shows.
946
00:36:33,067 --> 00:36:35,933
Biggest fights we have,
she watches, uh, intervention.
947
00:36:35,934 --> 00:36:37,867
- Yeah.
- That's, uh... you like that?
948
00:36:37,868 --> 00:36:39,867
"Oh, my god, it's so awesome
949
00:36:39,868 --> 00:36:42,999
watching a family
completely fall apart."
950
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:44,600
[Laughs]
951
00:36:44,601 --> 00:36:46,032
What is entertaining
about that?
952
00:36:46,033 --> 00:36:48,099
When they have that classic
before picture,
953
00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:49,666
the pre-meth picture...
954
00:36:49,667 --> 00:36:51,199
"She was so beautiful.
955
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:54,099
She was the prom queen.
Everybody loved her."
956
00:36:54,100 --> 00:36:56,733
Then they cut to her, like,
laying in, like, a gutter...
957
00:36:56,734 --> 00:37:00,867
"I'll suck your dick.
I'll suck your dick.
958
00:37:00,868 --> 00:37:02,666
I'll suck your dick."
959
00:37:02,667 --> 00:37:05,766
[Laughs]
960
00:37:05,767 --> 00:37:07,967
No, we have these
huge battles.
961
00:37:07,968 --> 00:37:09,666
You know what the maddest
she ever got at me was?
962
00:37:09,667 --> 00:37:10,867
One time she was watching
this show.
963
00:37:10,868 --> 00:37:12,299
It was like a poor excuse
for The View,
964
00:37:12,300 --> 00:37:14,967
and they started talking about
domestic violence, right?
965
00:37:14,968 --> 00:37:16,733
For the 9 millionth time
this year,
966
00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:18,500
they're talking about
domestic violence.
967
00:37:18,501 --> 00:37:21,633
Just in case, you know, you
didn't get the memo, you know?
968
00:37:21,634 --> 00:37:23,666
Evidently, you know, just some
people didn't get it.
969
00:37:23,667 --> 00:37:25,967
It's not okay to slam
your wife's head
970
00:37:25,968 --> 00:37:27,967
into the cupboard drawers
971
00:37:27,968 --> 00:37:31,233
because she didn't
dry the can opener off properly,
972
00:37:31,234 --> 00:37:33,999
you know?
973
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,833
"It's gonna fuckin' rust!"
Right?
974
00:37:36,834 --> 00:37:38,533
How do you not know
not to do that shit?
975
00:37:38,534 --> 00:37:41,099
Do they really have to
keep talking about it?
976
00:37:41,100 --> 00:37:43,266
Who... who... it's like
wife beaters are watching...
977
00:37:43,267 --> 00:37:45,266
"Oh! Fuck! Ah!
978
00:37:45,267 --> 00:37:47,666
"Now I get it.
Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart.
979
00:37:47,667 --> 00:37:51,901
Here we go.
There ya go. Oh..."
980
00:37:54,467 --> 00:37:55,434
So at the end of the hour,
981
00:37:55,435 --> 00:37:57,333
they come to
the logical conclusion.
982
00:37:57,334 --> 00:37:58,900
They're like, [effeminately]
"There is no reason
983
00:37:58,901 --> 00:37:59,868
to hit a woman.
984
00:37:59,869 --> 00:38:01,766
There is no reason
to hit a woman."
985
00:38:01,767 --> 00:38:03,166
And I was just like,
"Really?
986
00:38:03,167 --> 00:38:07,800
I could give you, like, 17
right off the top of my head.
987
00:38:07,801 --> 00:38:09,433
You could wake me
from a drunken stupor,
988
00:38:09,434 --> 00:38:12,333
I could still give you,
like, nine!"
989
00:38:12,334 --> 00:38:14,299
Dude, there's plenty
of reasons to hit a woman,
990
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:16,766
you just don't do it.
991
00:38:16,767 --> 00:38:22,199
But to sit there and suggest
that there's no reason...
992
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,433
Dude, the level of ego
behind that statement...
993
00:38:25,434 --> 00:38:28,233
What are you, levitating
above the rest of us?
994
00:38:28,234 --> 00:38:32,099
You're never annoying?
995
00:38:32,100 --> 00:38:33,366
Women, how many times
have you thought about
996
00:38:33,367 --> 00:38:38,366
slapping your fucking guy
in the head this week?
997
00:38:38,367 --> 00:38:41,199
- Every day!
- There ya go!
998
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:42,867
Every day.
[Applause]
999
00:38:42,868 --> 00:38:45,800
You didn't do it, right?
1000
00:38:45,801 --> 00:38:47,600
Oh, dude, it drives me nuts.
"There's no reason.
1001
00:38:47,601 --> 00:38:49,199
There's no reason."
Really? No reason?
1002
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:50,600
How 'bout this?
You marry a girl,
1003
00:38:50,601 --> 00:38:52,099
you fall in love,
you buy her a house.
1004
00:38:52,100 --> 00:38:53,766
You go to work every day,
paying off the house.
1005
00:38:53,767 --> 00:38:54,800
You come home one day,
1006
00:38:54,801 --> 00:38:56,233
she's banging
the next-door neighbor,
1007
00:38:56,234 --> 00:38:57,266
hands you divorce papers.
1008
00:38:57,267 --> 00:38:59,500
You gotta move out,
sleep on a futon,
1009
00:38:59,501 --> 00:39:01,900
and still pay for that house
that she's gonna stay in.
1010
00:39:01,901 --> 00:39:03,566
No reason?
1011
00:39:03,567 --> 00:39:05,099
[Laughter]
1012
00:39:05,100 --> 00:39:06,366
I'm not saying
you should do it,
1013
00:39:06,367 --> 00:39:08,666
but there's plenty
of fucking reasons
1014
00:39:08,667 --> 00:39:11,133
in that arc of a story.
1015
00:39:12,801 --> 00:39:16,833
All right,
that was a hypothetical.
1016
00:39:16,834 --> 00:39:19,333
You want an actual story?
1017
00:39:19,334 --> 00:39:21,299
I'll give you one.
I'll give you one.
1018
00:39:21,300 --> 00:39:22,999
All right, I fucked up my foot
playing drums,
1019
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:26,633
trying to get my bass-drum foot
as fast as John Bonham's,
1020
00:39:26,634 --> 00:39:28,666
'cause I figure that's
a good thing to focus on.
1021
00:39:28,667 --> 00:39:30,900
43 years of age,
never married, no kids.
1022
00:39:30,901 --> 00:39:33,266
I figure this is gonna
lead me to the light, right?
1023
00:39:33,267 --> 00:39:36,666
This is what I need to do.
[Applause]
1024
00:39:36,667 --> 00:39:38,766
So I don't know what I did.
I felt like...
1025
00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:40,299
I played for, like, an hour,
and afterwards
1026
00:39:40,300 --> 00:39:42,032
I felt like, literally,
like there was some midget
1027
00:39:42,033 --> 00:39:43,967
stabbing me in the bottom
of my foot, right?
1028
00:39:43,968 --> 00:39:47,199
Like I had lightning coming out
of the bottom of my foot.
1029
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,766
So I did the typical
guy thing:
1030
00:39:48,767 --> 00:39:50,800
"I'm not going to the hospital.
I'll sleep it off.
1031
00:39:50,801 --> 00:39:52,299
I'll be fine" right?
1032
00:39:52,300 --> 00:39:54,266
Next morning, I wake up,
my foot's even worse
1033
00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:56,433
and I gotta walk
my crazy dog.
1034
00:39:56,434 --> 00:39:58,733
So I'm like, "I can't do it.
My foot's killing me."
1035
00:39:58,734 --> 00:40:00,867
So I wake up my girl.
I go, "Wweetheart, sweetheart.
1036
00:40:00,868 --> 00:40:02,566
Can you do me a favor?
Can you do me a favor?
1037
00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:04,766
Can you walk the dog for me?
Can you just take the shift?
1038
00:40:04,767 --> 00:40:07,132
I'll do your afternoon shift.
Can you just do me this solid?
1039
00:40:07,133 --> 00:40:09,299
Can you do this for me?"
She's just like, "Ohh...
1040
00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:11,900
You know, I had
a late night last night.
1041
00:40:11,901 --> 00:40:14,633
I'm tired.
I have a big day."
1042
00:40:14,634 --> 00:40:17,500
And I just go, "Fuck it."
1043
00:40:17,501 --> 00:40:18,900
She goes,
"What do you mean, 'fuck it'?"
1044
00:40:18,901 --> 00:40:20,466
It's like, "Why can't you
just say no?
1045
00:40:20,467 --> 00:40:22,099
Why do you always gotta,
like, waterboard me
1046
00:40:22,100 --> 00:40:24,733
with, like,
a 20-minute explanation
1047
00:40:24,734 --> 00:40:27,633
that eventually winds its way
around to 'go fuck yourself'?
1048
00:40:27,634 --> 00:40:29,032
Just say no!"
1049
00:40:29,033 --> 00:40:30,700
So I'm just limping
out of the room.
1050
00:40:30,701 --> 00:40:35,066
"Whatever. Go back to bed.
You got a big day, right?"
1051
00:40:35,067 --> 00:40:36,733
So now I'm, like,
limping down the street.
1052
00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:38,867
I got, like, tourette's.
"Fucking goddamn bullshit!"
1053
00:40:38,868 --> 00:40:43,367
Dog's walking next to me...
"Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!"
1054
00:40:45,267 --> 00:40:47,733
I gotta admit,
I got a little childish.
1055
00:40:47,734 --> 00:40:48,734
I did.
1056
00:40:48,735 --> 00:40:50,333
I got a little childish,
you know?
1057
00:40:50,334 --> 00:40:51,533
I was just thinking about
my relationship.
1058
00:40:51,534 --> 00:40:53,132
I'm like, "This is
the relationship I'm in?
1059
00:40:53,133 --> 00:40:54,733
You're just gonna do whatever
the hell you wanna do,
1060
00:40:54,734 --> 00:40:56,199
all right, and fuck me?
1061
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:57,867
Fine. I'm gonna do
whatever the hell I wanna do.
1062
00:40:57,868 --> 00:41:00,199
I feel like listening to
my iPod on full blast
1063
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:01,533
walking around the house.
1064
00:41:01,534 --> 00:41:03,666
That's what I'm gonna do."
So that's what I did.
1065
00:41:03,667 --> 00:41:05,366
Turned it all the way up,
and I just...
1066
00:41:05,367 --> 00:41:06,933
my whole plan was just
to walk by her
1067
00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:08,333
like I didn't even know her.
1068
00:41:08,334 --> 00:41:09,700
That was it.
She came down the hall.
1069
00:41:09,701 --> 00:41:14,766
I just ghosted her.
Just walked right past her.
1070
00:41:14,767 --> 00:41:16,566
Just trying to piss her off.
And I gotta tell you something,
1071
00:41:16,567 --> 00:41:19,867
worked like a charm.
Worked like a charm.
1072
00:41:19,868 --> 00:41:22,199
Yeah, hung my coat up,
turned around.
1073
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:24,933
By the time I turned around,
she was already yelling at me.
1074
00:41:24,934 --> 00:41:28,299
But the music was so loud,
not only could I not hear her,
1075
00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:30,600
it actually looked like
she was singing the song
1076
00:41:30,601 --> 00:41:32,333
that I was listening to.
1077
00:41:32,334 --> 00:41:35,633
Oh! It's one of the highlights
of the relationship.
1078
00:41:35,634 --> 00:41:36,933
So I knew what
she was saying.
1079
00:41:36,934 --> 00:41:39,199
I was like, "Whatever.
I don't wanna talk about it.
1080
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:40,600
Leave me alone.
I'm going on to the computer."
1081
00:41:40,601 --> 00:41:42,600
Right? So I limp over
and I sit down,
1082
00:41:42,601 --> 00:41:43,967
and unbeknownst to me
she's like, "No,
1083
00:41:43,968 --> 00:41:45,600
we're gonna talk about this
right now."
1084
00:41:45,601 --> 00:41:47,900
Comes up... poom! And slaps
the headphones off my head.
1085
00:41:47,901 --> 00:41:51,867
I got big ears.
It fuckin' hurt!
1086
00:41:51,868 --> 00:41:53,333
So I'm like,
"Honey, leave me alone.
1087
00:41:53,334 --> 00:41:55,199
I don't wanna talk about it."
Put the headphones back on.
1088
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,600
She comes right back up again.
1089
00:41:56,601 --> 00:41:58,199
Poom! slaps 'em off
a little harder.
1090
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,032
This time, they spin
halfway around my head.
1091
00:42:01,033 --> 00:42:02,833
Caveman DNA
starts coming up.
1092
00:42:02,834 --> 00:42:05,633
Talking through my teeth.
"Honey, leave me alone.
1093
00:42:05,634 --> 00:42:07,166
Don't wanna talk about it."
Right?
1094
00:42:07,167 --> 00:42:09,433
Put 'em on.
Third time she comes up... poom!
1095
00:42:09,434 --> 00:42:12,466
Slaps 'em right across the room,
and I snap.
1096
00:42:12,467 --> 00:42:14,266
I'm like, "Fine,
you wanna have the fight,
1097
00:42:14,267 --> 00:42:15,766
let's fucking have the fight."
1098
00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,233
She's like,
"We will discuss this later
1099
00:42:17,234 --> 00:42:20,199
when you calm down."
1100
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:21,533
Oh! right there!
1101
00:42:21,534 --> 00:42:23,967
I just wanted to roll her up
in her yoga mat
1102
00:42:23,968 --> 00:42:25,366
and stuff her behind the couch.
1103
00:42:25,367 --> 00:42:27,666
Just leave her there
till she got thirsty.
1104
00:42:27,667 --> 00:42:29,900
"Come on, let me outta here.
I-I have a spin class.
1105
00:42:29,901 --> 00:42:34,033
You've made your point.
This is ridiculous."
1106
00:42:35,868 --> 00:42:38,600
No, that's the thing.
1107
00:42:38,601 --> 00:42:39,967
Really is.
That's the thing.
1108
00:42:39,968 --> 00:42:41,399
I hate that,
saying there's no reason.
1109
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,867
Obviously, I'm not saying
to hit a woman, you know?
1110
00:42:43,868 --> 00:42:47,199
But saying there's no reason,
I think that's crazy.
1111
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,733
[Laughter]
1112
00:42:48,734 --> 00:42:49,933
When you say there's no reason,
1113
00:42:49,934 --> 00:42:51,433
that kills any sort of
examination
1114
00:42:51,434 --> 00:42:54,399
as to how two people
ended up at that place.
1115
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:56,999
If you say there's no reason...
whooh... you cut out the buildup,
1116
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,399
you're just left with
the act.
1117
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:02,533
How are you gonna solve it
if you don't figure it out?
1118
00:43:02,534 --> 00:43:04,500
Look how awkward it is
in here right now.
1119
00:43:04,501 --> 00:43:06,533
[Cheers and applause]
1120
00:43:06,534 --> 00:43:08,032
I said you shouldn't
hit a woman.
1121
00:43:08,033 --> 00:43:10,566
I'm just saying, how come
you can't ask questions?
1122
00:43:10,567 --> 00:43:12,433
You can only ask questions
about what the guy did.
1123
00:43:12,434 --> 00:43:13,967
You can never ask
about the woman.
1124
00:43:13,968 --> 00:43:15,633
Why is that?
1125
00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:16,933
Why is that?
What is that?
1126
00:43:16,934 --> 00:43:18,233
Answer him right.
1127
00:43:18,234 --> 00:43:19,967
What does
"Answer him right" mean?
1128
00:43:19,968 --> 00:43:21,333
What does that mean?
1129
00:43:21,334 --> 00:43:23,533
Are you the idiot who got up
halfway through the special,
1130
00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,666
during the bit, and you're,
like, walking around
1131
00:43:25,667 --> 00:43:28,099
like I'm not fucking
taping a special here?
1132
00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:30,766
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
1133
00:43:30,767 --> 00:43:32,333
[Applause]
1134
00:43:32,334 --> 00:43:33,800
Fucking had to ignore
all of that,
1135
00:43:33,801 --> 00:43:35,433
and now you're gonna,
like, yell out,
1136
00:43:35,434 --> 00:43:36,700
and not only that,
1137
00:43:36,701 --> 00:43:39,867
yell something that makes
no fucking sense whatsoever?
1138
00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:43,199
"Answer him.
Answer him."
1139
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:46,099
[Scattered tittering]
1140
00:43:46,100 --> 00:43:50,366
Every fucking special I do,
there's always one!
1141
00:43:50,367 --> 00:43:54,533
Always, right down
the fuckin' middle.
1142
00:43:54,534 --> 00:43:57,766
Talking about
hitting women, sweetheart,
1143
00:43:57,767 --> 00:44:00,766
and I think you just added
another reason.
1144
00:44:00,767 --> 00:44:03,566
[Cheers and applause]
Jesus fucking Christ.
1145
00:44:03,567 --> 00:44:04,600
I love this.
1146
00:44:04,601 --> 00:44:06,166
I'm not even in
a relationship with her,
1147
00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:10,334
and she's fucking
nagging me.
1148
00:44:12,167 --> 00:44:14,366
[Laughter]
1149
00:44:14,367 --> 00:44:17,132
Fucking unbeliev...
"uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!"
1150
00:44:17,133 --> 00:44:18,933
[Scattered laughter]
1151
00:44:18,934 --> 00:44:22,366
Look, I understand hitting
a woman's a bad thing, okay?
1152
00:44:22,367 --> 00:44:24,266
How come you can't
fucking ask questions?
1153
00:44:24,267 --> 00:44:25,466
I just don't understand.
1154
00:44:25,467 --> 00:44:26,766
Like, if I get bit
by a rattlesnake,
1155
00:44:26,767 --> 00:44:29,566
wouldn't you guys
have some questions, right?
1156
00:44:29,567 --> 00:44:32,366
"How did it happen?
Did you not see it?
1157
00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:35,066
Were ya fuckin' with it?
1158
00:44:35,067 --> 00:44:40,132
How did a snake get so mad,
it almost killed ya?"
1159
00:44:40,133 --> 00:44:41,766
Firemen put out a fire,
1160
00:44:41,767 --> 00:44:44,132
they don't just
drive away afterwards.
1161
00:44:44,133 --> 00:44:46,399
They sift through the debris.
1162
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,800
"How did it start?
Here's an oily rag."
1163
00:44:48,801 --> 00:44:51,566
Right?
1164
00:44:51,567 --> 00:44:55,333
Look, I realize I'm coming off
pretty ignorant right about now.
1165
00:44:55,334 --> 00:44:57,867
I realize that.
1166
00:44:57,868 --> 00:44:59,867
Let me extend
an olive branch then, okay?
1167
00:44:59,868 --> 00:45:02,900
I realize that there's some
animal guys out there, okay?
1168
00:45:02,901 --> 00:45:05,132
Horrible guys, you know,
have a rough day at the factory,
1169
00:45:05,133 --> 00:45:06,967
come home...
"Tuna casserole?"...
1170
00:45:06,968 --> 00:45:10,399
and just start swinging,
all right?
1171
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:13,933
I'm not trying to say
that those people don't exist.
1172
00:45:13,934 --> 00:45:15,299
I realize they exist.
1173
00:45:15,300 --> 00:45:18,500
They should be buried
underneath the prison, okay?
1174
00:45:18,501 --> 00:45:21,333
So if I can admit that,
ladies, can you at least admit
1175
00:45:21,334 --> 00:45:22,466
that every ass-kicking
1176
00:45:22,467 --> 00:45:26,633
doesn't just fall out of
the fucking sky?
1177
00:45:26,634 --> 00:45:28,666
Really?
1178
00:45:28,667 --> 00:45:32,466
Even hockey has two minutes
for instigating, right?
1179
00:45:32,467 --> 00:45:35,199
They understand that some
back and forth happened
1180
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:39,334
before that shit...
you know?
1181
00:45:40,467 --> 00:45:41,800
You know what it is?
1182
00:45:41,801 --> 00:45:44,900
It's every case is handled
like that Rihanna one
1183
00:45:44,901 --> 00:45:46,466
where they just say
the guy's a piece of shit,
1184
00:45:46,467 --> 00:45:47,800
fuck this guy, blah blah blah,
send him to jail,
1185
00:45:47,801 --> 00:45:49,433
and then they never ask
anything about that.
1186
00:45:49,434 --> 00:45:51,032
You know, I'm not saying
he should have done it.
1187
00:45:51,033 --> 00:45:53,800
But I'm just saying...
1188
00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:54,734
I'm just saying!
1189
00:45:54,735 --> 00:45:56,867
Dude,
in your heart of hearts...
1190
00:45:56,868 --> 00:45:58,533
What do you think was going down
before that happened?
1191
00:45:58,534 --> 00:46:00,032
You think she was just
sitting there going,
1192
00:46:00,033 --> 00:46:01,999
"Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins.
You wanna get some ice cream?"
1193
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:06,200
[Muttering]
"Ah... fuckin'..."
1194
00:46:07,968 --> 00:46:09,766
You know?
1195
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:11,199
Or do you think maybe
they were having
1196
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:13,399
some epic end-of-
the-relationship fight
1197
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:16,333
and some crazy shit
was being said.
1198
00:46:16,334 --> 00:46:17,833
Maybe she was screaming
in his ear
1199
00:46:17,834 --> 00:46:20,333
some crazy female shit like,
"I'll fuck all your friends!
1200
00:46:20,334 --> 00:46:22,766
I don't give a fuck!
1201
00:46:22,767 --> 00:46:26,666
Maybe that's why I sell more
albums than you, motherfucker!"
1202
00:46:26,667 --> 00:46:28,166
Right?
1203
00:46:28,167 --> 00:46:29,900
To be fair, she could have
just been sitting there going,
1204
00:46:29,901 --> 00:46:31,733
"I need a tissue... do you keep
those in the glove box?
1205
00:46:31,734 --> 00:46:36,067
Oh, my god, I'll bring my own!
I'll bring my own!"
1206
00:46:38,834 --> 00:46:40,099
No, fuck that.
'Cause you know what it is?
1207
00:46:40,100 --> 00:46:42,733
They never address
how women argue,
1208
00:46:42,734 --> 00:46:46,800
which I think is a core
of a lot of that shit, you know?
1209
00:46:46,801 --> 00:46:47,867
And I gotta tell you
something, man.
1210
00:46:47,868 --> 00:46:49,299
Like, I never knew
how women argued,
1211
00:46:49,300 --> 00:46:52,900
but after 20 years of losing
every significant battle
1212
00:46:52,901 --> 00:46:54,299
in a relationship,
1213
00:46:54,300 --> 00:46:56,099
I finally figured out
how they argued,
1214
00:46:56,100 --> 00:46:57,566
and I'm gonna
tell you something.
1215
00:46:57,567 --> 00:47:00,066
I'm starting to turn
this franchise around.
1216
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,633
[Laughs]
1217
00:47:01,634 --> 00:47:05,801
I have begun
a winning tradition.
1218
00:47:07,067 --> 00:47:09,399
This is how they argue,
as far as I can tell, all right?
1219
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:11,333
If they're right,
they argue the point,
1220
00:47:11,334 --> 00:47:13,933
and they stay on point
and make sure you stay on point
1221
00:47:13,934 --> 00:47:15,999
until you're down on your knees
apologizing,
1222
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,099
begging for forgiveness,
all right?
1223
00:47:18,100 --> 00:47:19,867
No problem with that.
Totally respect it.
1224
00:47:19,868 --> 00:47:21,933
But here's the thing...
if they're wrong,
1225
00:47:21,934 --> 00:47:24,099
they go rogue.
They go off-road.
1226
00:47:24,100 --> 00:47:26,466
They start thinking of shit
you're sensitive about,
1227
00:47:26,467 --> 00:47:27,933
maybe you don't get along
with your dad,
1228
00:47:27,934 --> 00:47:29,132
and in their head,
1229
00:47:29,133 --> 00:47:31,633
they just start concocting
this evil statement...
1230
00:47:31,634 --> 00:47:32,999
Totally designed.
1231
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,933
This desperate,
hail-Mary attempt
1232
00:47:35,934 --> 00:47:38,266
to make you
so fucking mad
1233
00:47:38,267 --> 00:47:40,466
you just call 'em a cunt.
1234
00:47:40,467 --> 00:47:42,066
It's what it is.
1235
00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,833
And cunt trumps
all the bullshit they did
1236
00:47:44,834 --> 00:47:46,466
to start the argument.
Now it's not about that...
1237
00:47:46,467 --> 00:47:48,066
"Well, that's no reason
to call me a cunt!"
1238
00:47:48,067 --> 00:47:51,600
And then that's it.
You're in this room now, right?
1239
00:47:51,601 --> 00:47:53,199
My girl knows
my big thing is...
1240
00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:54,967
my big fear in life
is to be that dude
1241
00:47:54,968 --> 00:47:57,433
who grows old, you know,
grows old alone,
1242
00:47:57,434 --> 00:47:58,967
has, like,
that basement apartment,
1243
00:47:58,968 --> 00:48:01,366
just screaming up
at the younger couple,
1244
00:48:01,367 --> 00:48:05,666
"Turn it down!
That isn't music!"
1245
00:48:05,667 --> 00:48:06,967
So I noticed that anytime
she was losing a fight,
1246
00:48:06,968 --> 00:48:08,533
out of nowhere
she'd just be like,
1247
00:48:08,534 --> 00:48:10,333
"Well, that's why you're just
gonna grow old and be alone"
1248
00:48:10,334 --> 00:48:12,500
and then I'd... aaaah!
I'd lose my shit.
1249
00:48:12,501 --> 00:48:14,032
The next thing you know,
I'm in the kitchen,
1250
00:48:14,033 --> 00:48:16,500
washing dishes for the ninth
fucking time in a row.
1251
00:48:16,501 --> 00:48:17,999
This is what
the argument was about.
1252
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,433
I was so right.
What happened?
1253
00:48:20,434 --> 00:48:24,733
So if you learn anything
from my ignorance tonight,
1254
00:48:24,734 --> 00:48:26,666
just know this...
next time you're in a battle
1255
00:48:26,667 --> 00:48:29,800
with your beautiful woman,
your wife, girlfriend, whatever,
1256
00:48:29,801 --> 00:48:31,500
and they start...
out of nowhere, okay?
1257
00:48:31,501 --> 00:48:32,700
You're winning,
and they just start saying
1258
00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:34,366
that crazy shit
out of nowhere.
1259
00:48:34,367 --> 00:48:37,900
Just know in that moment
you've won the fight, okay?
1260
00:48:37,901 --> 00:48:39,199
All right?
Don't get mad.
1261
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:41,299
Bob and weave,
slip all of that shit.
1262
00:48:41,300 --> 00:48:42,933
"Maybe 'cause you got
a little dick!"
1263
00:48:42,934 --> 00:48:44,500
Just let that slide.
1264
00:48:44,501 --> 00:48:48,066
Stay in the pocket
of the argument.
1265
00:48:48,067 --> 00:48:49,233
Okay? it's over.
1266
00:48:49,234 --> 00:48:50,766
The argument is over.
You've won.
1267
00:48:50,767 --> 00:48:53,733
Just take a knee and run
out the clock, all right?
1268
00:48:53,734 --> 00:48:56,266
[Applause]
Yes!
1269
00:48:56,267 --> 00:48:59,433
Lean on the ropes.
Let 'em punch themselves out.
1270
00:48:59,434 --> 00:49:00,733
And then in the end,
1271
00:49:00,734 --> 00:49:02,733
you throw their psychology
right back at 'em.
1272
00:49:02,734 --> 00:49:04,399
"Well, maybe we should
discuss it later
1273
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,099
when you calm down."
1274
00:49:06,100 --> 00:49:08,933
And they won't hook up with you
for a couple of days.
1275
00:49:08,934 --> 00:49:10,399
Who cares?
1276
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:12,566
Who cares?
You rub one out.
1277
00:49:12,567 --> 00:49:15,800
Rub one out like a man.
It's the champagne of victory.
1278
00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:19,032
[Laughter and applause]
1279
00:49:19,033 --> 00:49:20,700
No, that's what I've learned.
1280
00:49:20,701 --> 00:49:23,867
I finally learned
to, like, keep my cool
1281
00:49:23,868 --> 00:49:24,900
in my relationship.
1282
00:49:24,901 --> 00:49:26,999
Happened a couple years ago,
right?
1283
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,533
Me and my girl had this
big argument one day, right?
1284
00:49:29,534 --> 00:49:31,733
Actually, you guys
wanna hear a story?
1285
00:49:31,734 --> 00:49:34,166
You wanna hear about the time
my girl punched me in the face?
1286
00:49:34,167 --> 00:49:35,733
- Yeah!
- On her birthday?
1287
00:49:35,734 --> 00:49:38,766
Ya wanna hear that one?
[Audience whooping]
1288
00:49:38,767 --> 00:49:40,500
This is what happened.
1289
00:49:40,501 --> 00:49:42,833
To be... [Laughs]
If I'm really honest,
1290
00:49:42,834 --> 00:49:46,833
the fight started,
like, three months earlier.
1291
00:49:46,834 --> 00:49:48,867
It's, like,
the middle of march.
1292
00:49:48,868 --> 00:49:50,433
We're just driving around,
you know.
1293
00:49:50,434 --> 00:49:51,933
Since she sees
this clothing store,
1294
00:49:51,934 --> 00:49:53,132
she's like, "Oh, my god.
1295
00:49:53,133 --> 00:49:55,700
I didn't know they had
one of those out here!
1296
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:57,166
We need to stop
and go in there."
1297
00:49:57,167 --> 00:49:59,199
So I... fuck it.
Let's go in there.
1298
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:01,700
I walk in, immediately I see
it's one of these stores
1299
00:50:01,701 --> 00:50:02,999
that doesn't have any chairs.
1300
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,366
I know what
they're trying to do.
1301
00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:05,766
I'm gonna be standing
right next to her,
1302
00:50:05,767 --> 00:50:07,132
and when she likes something,
I gotta buy it.
1303
00:50:07,133 --> 00:50:08,933
I don't give a fuck.
I'm not playing that.
1304
00:50:08,934 --> 00:50:10,867
I go over and I sit down
underneath a mannequin.
1305
00:50:10,868 --> 00:50:12,633
Got like the dress
hanging in my hair.
1306
00:50:12,634 --> 00:50:14,666
"Sir, you can't sit there."
"I don't give a fuck.
1307
00:50:14,667 --> 00:50:18,299
Looks like I'm doing it.
Looks like I'm doing it, right?"
1308
00:50:18,300 --> 00:50:20,867
[Laughs]
1309
00:50:20,868 --> 00:50:23,266
So unbeknownst to me,
1310
00:50:23,267 --> 00:50:25,333
she finds some sweater
that she likes, right?
1311
00:50:25,334 --> 00:50:27,833
Some ridiculously priced...
like, 400 bucks
1312
00:50:27,834 --> 00:50:29,233
or some shit like that,
right?
1313
00:50:29,234 --> 00:50:31,666
So she knows...
It's not her birthday,
1314
00:50:31,667 --> 00:50:33,066
none of that crap.
She can't ask me for it.
1315
00:50:33,067 --> 00:50:35,233
So now she's gotta go
into manipulation mode.
1316
00:50:35,234 --> 00:50:36,900
"What do I use,
what do I use?
1317
00:50:36,901 --> 00:50:38,533
Do I be sad, do I pout?
1318
00:50:38,534 --> 00:50:40,266
Do I use sex?
Can't do that."
1319
00:50:40,267 --> 00:50:42,533
You know what she went with?
She went with the little girl.
1320
00:50:42,534 --> 00:50:45,733
All right, she just came out,
and she's just like...
1321
00:50:45,734 --> 00:50:48,032
[Laughter]
1322
00:50:48,033 --> 00:50:49,967
I'm like, "What's up?"
She's like,
1323
00:50:49,968 --> 00:50:52,800
[pouty] "Saw something
that I liked."
1324
00:50:52,801 --> 00:50:54,700
[Laughter]
1325
00:50:54,701 --> 00:50:56,099
And I just wanted
to be like,
1326
00:50:56,100 --> 00:50:59,233
"Well, then why don't you
fucking pay for it?"
1327
00:50:59,234 --> 00:51:01,666
Ha ha ha!
1328
00:51:01,667 --> 00:51:04,433
So she goes over
and she shows it to me, right?
1329
00:51:04,434 --> 00:51:05,999
And I'm like,
"It's 400 bucks."
1330
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:07,700
She goes, "Can you get it?"
I go, "No. I'm not doing that.
1331
00:51:07,701 --> 00:51:10,466
Fuck that.
It's not your birthday.
1332
00:51:10,467 --> 00:51:12,266
It's not Valentine's day.
It's march.
1333
00:51:12,267 --> 00:51:13,500
What, do I get you that
for St. Patrick's day?
1334
00:51:13,501 --> 00:51:16,500
Get the fuck outta here.
I'm not doing it."
1335
00:51:16,501 --> 00:51:17,633
[Laughs]
1336
00:51:17,634 --> 00:51:19,800
So then what happened,
we're driving home,
1337
00:51:19,801 --> 00:51:22,233
and somehow
she manipulated the argument...
1338
00:51:22,234 --> 00:51:23,533
not that she asked
for the sweater
1339
00:51:23,534 --> 00:51:27,099
and not that I said no...
it was the way I said no, right?
1340
00:51:27,100 --> 00:51:28,399
Got in this huge argument.
1341
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,366
Got so mad by the time
we got back to the house,
1342
00:51:30,367 --> 00:51:32,333
I just told her to get out,
I'm driving away.
1343
00:51:32,334 --> 00:51:36,733
So I just drove away
in the Prius... whoosh. Right?
1344
00:51:36,734 --> 00:51:39,399
So I was so fucked up about it,
I had to call my sister up,
1345
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:41,233
right, call her up to get
a female perspective.
1346
00:51:41,234 --> 00:51:43,566
She's laughing her ass off
going, "You took all the bait.
1347
00:51:43,567 --> 00:51:45,266
You're an idiot."
I go, "What do I do?
1348
00:51:45,267 --> 00:51:46,933
She goes, "Why don't you
go back down to the store
1349
00:51:46,934 --> 00:51:48,666
and just buy the sweater,
hold onto it,
1350
00:51:48,667 --> 00:51:50,800
and give it to her a few months
later for her birthday?"
1351
00:51:50,801 --> 00:51:53,867
And I'm like,
"Fucking genius! Genius!"
1352
00:51:53,868 --> 00:51:55,266
I hate the pressure
of the birthday,
1353
00:51:55,267 --> 00:51:56,600
all her friends...
[Effeminately] "So...
1354
00:51:56,601 --> 00:51:58,766
What are you getting her?
What are you gonna get her?"
1355
00:51:58,767 --> 00:52:01,066
"Fucking sweater, bitch."
Bam!
1356
00:52:01,067 --> 00:52:03,233
That's it.
1357
00:52:03,234 --> 00:52:05,566
Got it.
All right?
1358
00:52:05,567 --> 00:52:07,633
Fast-forward three months.
It's her birthday, right?
1359
00:52:07,634 --> 00:52:09,433
I'm laying in bed,
she wakes up,
1360
00:52:09,434 --> 00:52:10,867
she wanted to go to some
restaurant that night.
1361
00:52:10,868 --> 00:52:12,433
She's like, "Did you make
the reservations?"
1362
00:52:12,434 --> 00:52:14,800
I'm like, "I haven't made 'em
yet, but we'll, you know,
1363
00:52:14,801 --> 00:52:16,500
we'll be good, right?"
She starts freaking out.
1364
00:52:16,501 --> 00:52:17,900
"What do you mean?
It's my birthday.
1365
00:52:17,901 --> 00:52:19,166
What do you mean
you didn't make...
1366
00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:20,299
didn't make the reservations?"
1367
00:52:20,300 --> 00:52:21,933
I'm like, "Wweetheart,
it's a Tuesday
1368
00:52:21,934 --> 00:52:23,366
in the middle
of a recession.
1369
00:52:23,367 --> 00:52:26,533
I'm sure there's gonna
be a table" right?
1370
00:52:26,534 --> 00:52:28,299
So she starts freaking out.
1371
00:52:28,300 --> 00:52:30,967
In the back of my head,
I'm like, "I got this sweater.
1372
00:52:30,968 --> 00:52:32,733
I'm good, right?"
1373
00:52:32,734 --> 00:52:35,066
So the more she yells at me,
the funnier it becomes to me,
1374
00:52:35,067 --> 00:52:37,800
but like an asshole,
rather than laughing to myself,
1375
00:52:37,801 --> 00:52:40,800
I sort of snickered
out loud, right?
1376
00:52:40,801 --> 00:52:42,800
Sort of giggled a couple times,
and she just snapped,
1377
00:52:42,801 --> 00:52:44,166
like, "Are you laughing at me?
1378
00:52:44,167 --> 00:52:45,733
Are you laughing at me
on my birthday?"
1379
00:52:45,734 --> 00:52:47,199
And then the more she yelled,
the more I laughed.
1380
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:48,700
The more I laughed,
the more she yelled,
1381
00:52:48,701 --> 00:52:50,500
and it was just this vicious
fucking thing
1382
00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:51,733
all the way up, right?
1383
00:52:51,734 --> 00:52:52,999
She got all the way
to the point
1384
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,333
she was standing
at the back door going,
1385
00:52:54,334 --> 00:52:55,700
"You gonna laugh at me
on my birthday?
1386
00:52:55,701 --> 00:52:57,900
Fuck you!"
Boom! Slams the door.
1387
00:52:57,901 --> 00:52:59,433
Duh-duh-duh-duh.
Runs down the stairs.
1388
00:52:59,434 --> 00:53:00,466
At that point,
1389
00:53:00,467 --> 00:53:01,867
I'm literally
in the fetal position,
1390
00:53:01,868 --> 00:53:04,666
like, dying laughing,
walking towards the bathroom.
1391
00:53:04,667 --> 00:53:06,366
Then all of a sudden I hear,
buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
1392
00:53:06,367 --> 00:53:08,933
She came back up the stairs.
And I'm not gonna lie to ya,
1393
00:53:08,934 --> 00:53:11,433
I got a little scared
for half a second.
1394
00:53:11,434 --> 00:53:13,032
Nah, I did.
I was in my underwear,
1395
00:53:13,033 --> 00:53:15,733
I was feeling vulnerable.
1396
00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:17,366
She comes flying
into the bathroom,
1397
00:53:17,367 --> 00:53:20,266
and the second I saw her face,
I knew she was gonna hit me.
1398
00:53:20,267 --> 00:53:22,233
Right?
And I'm such an asshole,
1399
00:53:22,234 --> 00:53:25,099
I actually have a game plan for
when a woman's gonna hit you.
1400
00:53:25,100 --> 00:53:28,132
Like that's how many women
I've pissed off in my lifetime.
1401
00:53:28,133 --> 00:53:29,999
I actually know
it's going down.
1402
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,666
This is how it is.
Most women, they're flailers.
1403
00:53:33,667 --> 00:53:35,666
All right, unless they had
some sort of MMA training,
1404
00:53:35,667 --> 00:53:36,867
then you're on your own.
1405
00:53:36,868 --> 00:53:39,366
You're probably gonna
catch a few, right?
1406
00:53:39,367 --> 00:53:41,533
But most of them are flailers.
Most are right-handed.
1407
00:53:41,534 --> 00:53:43,566
So you gotta guess
overhand right.
1408
00:53:43,567 --> 00:53:45,233
That's the first thing
you gotta guess.
1409
00:53:45,234 --> 00:53:46,733
So you get down
in the pocket, right?
1410
00:53:46,734 --> 00:53:49,466
That overhand right comes in.
Bam! You catch that wrist.
1411
00:53:49,467 --> 00:53:51,999
Second the right's coming,
you know the left's coming.
1412
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:54,366
Bam! You catch that one.
This is the crucial moment.
1413
00:53:54,367 --> 00:53:56,867
Second you got the right,
the next, then you got the left,
1414
00:53:56,868 --> 00:53:58,266
immediately,
you gotta step back,
1415
00:53:58,267 --> 00:54:01,633
and you gotta go like this.
[Cheers and applause]
1416
00:54:01,634 --> 00:54:05,132
'Cause she's gonna try
to kick you right in the balls.
1417
00:54:05,133 --> 00:54:07,666
As she kicks you,
then you spin 'em around,
1418
00:54:07,667 --> 00:54:08,700
tuck your head down low,
1419
00:54:08,701 --> 00:54:10,399
'cause they will try
to headbutt you,
1420
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:12,199
and then you just use
the weight of your torso
1421
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,266
to slowly bring 'em down
to the floor
1422
00:54:14,267 --> 00:54:16,333
as you whisper sweet things:
"Oh, look at the tiles.
1423
00:54:16,334 --> 00:54:17,733
Remember
you picked those out?
1424
00:54:17,734 --> 00:54:19,700
They go so well
with the wallpaper."
1425
00:54:19,701 --> 00:54:21,666
Right?
1426
00:54:21,667 --> 00:54:24,833
[Applause]
1427
00:54:24,834 --> 00:54:27,900
But she tricked me.
She came into the bathroom.
1428
00:54:27,901 --> 00:54:29,433
She invented this new punch.
1429
00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:31,433
She didn't throw a right.
She didn't throw a left.
1430
00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:32,733
She came up
with this two-fisted...
1431
00:54:32,734 --> 00:54:36,032
I called it, like,
the defibrillator, right?
1432
00:54:36,033 --> 00:54:38,867
She caught me in the shoulder
and, like, in my appendix,
1433
00:54:38,868 --> 00:54:40,533
just fuckin'... wham!
Like that.
1434
00:54:40,534 --> 00:54:43,433
Almost went flying back
into the bathtub.
1435
00:54:43,434 --> 00:54:44,800
And I caught myself,
1436
00:54:44,801 --> 00:54:46,566
and she's all ready for me
to take the bait and flip out.
1437
00:54:46,567 --> 00:54:49,500
I didn't.
I just remained calm.
1438
00:54:49,501 --> 00:54:51,333
I was just like,
"Sweetheart...
1439
00:54:51,334 --> 00:54:53,500
I think you need
to go to work now."
1440
00:54:53,501 --> 00:54:56,032
She didn't know what to do.
She was like...[Panting]
1441
00:54:56,033 --> 00:54:58,132
And she just walked out.
1442
00:54:58,133 --> 00:54:59,533
All right?
1443
00:54:59,534 --> 00:55:01,600
Went down to the car,
drove to work.
1444
00:55:01,601 --> 00:55:05,233
I walked out in the kitchen.
I got some cheerios.
1445
00:55:05,234 --> 00:55:08,032
Sat down and started
watching sportscenter.
1446
00:55:08,033 --> 00:55:10,233
[Laughs]
1447
00:55:10,234 --> 00:55:12,733
Fucking three minutes later,
all of a sudden the phone rings.
1448
00:55:12,734 --> 00:55:14,666
All right, pick up the phone
and I just hear her going,
1449
00:55:14,667 --> 00:55:17,967
[stiffly]
"Hi.
1450
00:55:17,968 --> 00:55:21,566
Okay.
things got a little crazy."
1451
00:55:21,567 --> 00:55:23,233
I'm like,
"A little crazy?
1452
00:55:23,234 --> 00:55:25,633
You almost split my head open
in the goddamn tub."
1453
00:55:25,634 --> 00:55:27,867
"I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm passionate."
1454
00:55:27,868 --> 00:55:29,867
That's what they say
when they start swinging.
1455
00:55:29,868 --> 00:55:30,967
"I'm passionate.
1456
00:55:30,968 --> 00:55:33,132
I just have so much love
for you...
1457
00:55:33,133 --> 00:55:35,801
I try to cause you
to have a seizure."
1458
00:55:39,534 --> 00:55:41,666
I don't know.
1459
00:55:41,667 --> 00:55:42,867
I'm good at this.
1460
00:55:42,868 --> 00:55:45,999
I fuck up my personal life
all the time now.
1461
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,199
I really do, you know?
1462
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:48,766
I'm afraid
to get married, man.
1463
00:55:48,767 --> 00:55:51,032
Why would... as... what man
wouldn't be afraid
1464
00:55:51,033 --> 00:55:52,433
to get married
at this point?
1465
00:55:52,434 --> 00:55:53,600
Look at Kobe.
1466
00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:55,666
Look at the shit
he's going through right now.
1467
00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,833
All right?
Guy's getting a divorce.
1468
00:55:57,834 --> 00:56:00,132
His wife's gonna get
70 million bucks.
1469
00:56:00,133 --> 00:56:04,099
Never hit a layup
in her life.
1470
00:56:04,100 --> 00:56:07,299
You know?
Can anybody explain...
1471
00:56:07,300 --> 00:56:08,800
These divorce settlements?
1472
00:56:08,801 --> 00:56:10,800
Can anybody make sense
of these fucking things?
1473
00:56:10,801 --> 00:56:13,666
Tiger Woods's wife...
$250 million!
1474
00:56:13,667 --> 00:56:15,399
She's a babysitter
1475
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:19,467
worth 1/4 of a billion
fucking dollars!
1476
00:56:22,334 --> 00:56:23,833
Somebody, go ahead...
1477
00:56:23,834 --> 00:56:25,633
somebody explain...
justify it.
1478
00:56:25,634 --> 00:56:26,999
Justify it.
What, what?
1479
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,666
He cheated on her?
I don't give a fuck!
1480
00:56:29,667 --> 00:56:31,466
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
He cheated on her.
1481
00:56:31,467 --> 00:56:32,933
Great. The relationship's
over right then.
1482
00:56:32,934 --> 00:56:34,266
Kobe cheated, right?
1483
00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:36,032
Shouldn't that relationship
have been over right then?
1484
00:56:36,033 --> 00:56:38,500
Why did she hang around like
some jaded cop for three years,
1485
00:56:38,501 --> 00:56:40,233
trying to get
her fucking pension, right?
1486
00:56:40,234 --> 00:56:43,967
Get that ten years in?
1487
00:56:43,968 --> 00:56:45,132
[Laughs]
1488
00:56:45,133 --> 00:56:48,833
I don't know.
Maybe that's too harsh.
1489
00:56:48,834 --> 00:56:50,433
That shit
bothers me, man.
1490
00:56:50,434 --> 00:56:53,733
Dude, there is an epidemic
of gold-digging whores
1491
00:56:53,734 --> 00:56:56,999
in this country.
[Laugher, applause]
1492
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:58,800
And every night
I put on the news,
1493
00:56:58,801 --> 00:57:01,833
and I'm waiting
for someone to address it.
1494
00:57:01,834 --> 00:57:04,399
Every night.
Never see it, you know?
1495
00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,299
And every night
I bring up gold-digging whores,
1496
00:57:06,300 --> 00:57:07,733
and the whole crowd
pulls back
1497
00:57:07,734 --> 00:57:09,967
like I'm up here
talking about bigfoot, right?
1498
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:13,166
Like I'm saying the moon's
made out of cheese or something.
1499
00:57:13,167 --> 00:57:18,733
Talking about whores, people!
They're everywhere!
1500
00:57:18,734 --> 00:57:20,466
How many?
1501
00:57:20,467 --> 00:57:24,032
How many more great men
are gonna get chopped in half
1502
00:57:24,033 --> 00:57:27,800
before we do something?
1503
00:57:27,801 --> 00:57:30,867
Why is it so quiet
in here?
1504
00:57:30,868 --> 00:57:32,032
[Laughter]
1505
00:57:32,033 --> 00:57:33,800
Goddamn!
I don't get it.
1506
00:57:33,801 --> 00:57:35,600
What is it... women,
do you think I'm calling you...
1507
00:57:35,601 --> 00:57:38,233
I'm not calling any woman
here a whore, okay?
1508
00:57:38,234 --> 00:57:40,266
So don't pull back.
That's not fair, okay?
1509
00:57:40,267 --> 00:57:43,166
If you brought up wife beaters,
I wouldn't... uhh... pull back.
1510
00:57:43,167 --> 00:57:44,833
I get it.
1511
00:57:44,834 --> 00:57:47,032
There's guys hitting women.
They need to be stopped.
1512
00:57:47,033 --> 00:57:48,700
We gotta understand
that gold-digging whores
1513
00:57:48,701 --> 00:57:51,666
are the wife beaters
for men.
1514
00:57:51,667 --> 00:57:52,999
Yeah, they are.
1515
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,199
Except we don't have that
Rihanna lumped up photo
1516
00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:58,066
in the end,
so it's not obvious.
1517
00:57:58,067 --> 00:58:02,967
It's in the eyes.
It's in the lines in your face.
1518
00:58:02,968 --> 00:58:05,166
It's in Mel Gibson's
high-pitched voice
1519
00:58:05,167 --> 00:58:06,299
on the answering machine:
1520
00:58:06,300 --> 00:58:09,266
"I had to give up
my laker tickets!" Right?
1521
00:58:09,267 --> 00:58:15,233
That is the sound of a man being
taken for everything he's got.
1522
00:58:15,234 --> 00:58:18,833
I gotta tell you,
I'm envious of women, okay?
1523
00:58:18,834 --> 00:58:20,733
I'm not saying
your problems get solved,
1524
00:58:20,734 --> 00:58:23,433
but at least
they're taken seriously.
1525
00:58:23,434 --> 00:58:25,933
You know?
1526
00:58:25,934 --> 00:58:28,867
You got 1-800 numbers,
you got ribbons,
1527
00:58:28,868 --> 00:58:30,999
there's groups.
1528
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:32,399
People give a shit.
1529
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:36,233
Anything happens to a guy,
it's just considered funny.
1530
00:58:36,234 --> 00:58:37,833
Some woman cut her husband's
dick off,
1531
00:58:37,834 --> 00:58:40,132
threw it in
the garbage disposal,
1532
00:58:40,133 --> 00:58:42,600
and turned it on.
1533
00:58:42,601 --> 00:58:44,733
People thought it was hilarious!
They were, "Ahhhh!
1534
00:58:44,734 --> 00:58:48,233
Hey, stumpy!"
Nobody cares.
1535
00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:51,099
Do you think if a guy
removed a woman's titty
1536
00:58:51,100 --> 00:58:52,299
and threw it in the dryer,
1537
00:58:52,300 --> 00:58:55,533
anybody would be joking
about it the next day?
1538
00:58:55,534 --> 00:58:58,099
The entire country
would grind to a halt.
1539
00:58:58,100 --> 00:59:00,733
There'd be a moment
of silence.
1540
00:59:00,734 --> 00:59:02,967
The NFL would have some
special-colored headband
1541
00:59:02,968 --> 00:59:06,733
everybody had to wear
for an entire month.
1542
00:59:06,734 --> 00:59:11,133
The most effeminate color they
could possibly come up with.
1543
00:59:13,767 --> 00:59:16,733
All my heroes
are going down.
1544
00:59:16,734 --> 00:59:18,333
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
1545
00:59:18,334 --> 00:59:20,600
Another great man.
1546
00:59:20,601 --> 00:59:23,266
Another great man.
1547
00:59:23,267 --> 00:59:28,032
Taken down by that gold-digging
whore of a maid he's got.
1548
00:59:28,033 --> 00:59:30,233
And I'm not saying
he's not a piece of shit
1549
00:59:30,234 --> 00:59:32,500
for doing what he did...
it was a piece of shit move...
1550
00:59:32,501 --> 00:59:34,500
but how come only he
got chastised?
1551
00:59:34,501 --> 00:59:36,566
What about the maid?
Why was she called the maid
1552
00:59:36,567 --> 00:59:37,800
that entire story?
1553
00:59:37,801 --> 00:59:40,833
She was never called a whore.
Ever.
1554
00:59:40,834 --> 00:59:41,967
Just boggles my mind.
1555
00:59:41,968 --> 00:59:43,933
She knew his wife,
first-name basis.
1556
00:59:43,934 --> 00:59:45,733
Played with their kids,
fucked her husband
1557
00:59:45,734 --> 00:59:46,867
in their own goddamn bed.
1558
00:59:46,868 --> 00:59:48,333
That's right down
the checklist...
1559
00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:49,366
first ballot
hall of fame whore.
1560
00:59:49,367 --> 00:59:52,900
Right there.
[Applause]
1561
00:59:52,901 --> 00:59:55,399
Never. Why do you think
she hooked up with him?
1562
00:59:55,400 --> 00:59:59,566
Because of that 1987 flattop
he's still rockin'?
1563
00:59:59,567 --> 01:00:01,500
The giant space
between his teeth
1564
01:00:01,501 --> 01:00:03,333
I could put
this mic cord through?
1565
01:00:03,334 --> 01:00:06,366
Or do you think maybe it's all
that Kindergarten Cop money
1566
01:00:06,367 --> 01:00:09,267
laying around
the goddamn bedroom?
1567
01:00:10,467 --> 01:00:11,700
Oh, it's awful.
1568
01:00:11,701 --> 01:00:13,633
It's a horrific thing
to see as a guy...
1569
01:00:13,634 --> 01:00:15,199
watching guys
go through that shit, you know?
1570
01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:18,066
And then there's no sort of
examination of it.
1571
01:00:18,067 --> 01:00:20,366
They just go, "Ah, he's
an idiot. Eh, he's stupid."
1572
01:00:20,367 --> 01:00:22,600
That guy's stupid?
If that guy's stupid,
1573
01:00:22,601 --> 01:00:25,166
what the fuck am I, right?
1574
01:00:25,167 --> 01:00:26,733
Ha.
1575
01:00:26,734 --> 01:00:28,967
Does it even make sense?
1576
01:00:28,968 --> 01:00:30,266
Why would you do that?
1577
01:00:30,267 --> 01:00:31,666
Why would you accomplish
all that
1578
01:00:31,667 --> 01:00:32,867
and then fuck it up
1579
01:00:32,868 --> 01:00:34,800
hooking up with one of
the ugliest human beings
1580
01:00:34,801 --> 01:00:36,399
I've ever seen in my life?
1581
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:38,166
I'm not saying
I'm a prize.
1582
01:00:38,167 --> 01:00:40,066
I'm just saying, you know?
1583
01:00:40,067 --> 01:00:41,967
[Scattered titters]
1584
01:00:41,968 --> 01:00:45,066
It's gotta be something
beyond that, right?
1585
01:00:45,067 --> 01:00:46,633
You know what I think it is?
1586
01:00:46,634 --> 01:00:48,900
I think it comes down
to the way he talks, you know?
1587
01:00:48,901 --> 01:00:53,566
[Grunting gibberish
with accent]
1588
01:00:53,567 --> 01:00:58,299
That dude should be unloading
trucks in Transylvania.
1589
01:00:58,300 --> 01:01:01,366
That should have been
the height of his success.
1590
01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:02,933
But because he's a great man,
1591
01:01:02,934 --> 01:01:05,700
he had the balls
to move to America,
1592
01:01:05,701 --> 01:01:08,233
became famous
for lifting weights.
1593
01:01:08,234 --> 01:01:11,800
I lift weights.
Nobody gives a shit.
1594
01:01:11,801 --> 01:01:14,299
He lifts weights...
"Aah, aah, aah!"
1595
01:01:14,300 --> 01:01:16,366
Becomes super famous.
1596
01:01:16,367 --> 01:01:18,700
Did he rest on his laurels?
No. Next challenge:
1597
01:01:18,701 --> 01:01:20,132
"I'm gonna become an actor
1598
01:01:20,133 --> 01:01:23,867
despite the fact that nobody
can really understand me."
1599
01:01:23,868 --> 01:01:25,833
Against all odds,
he starts making movies.
1600
01:01:25,834 --> 01:01:29,166
"Get down! There's a bomb.
Get out of there!"
1601
01:01:29,167 --> 01:01:30,600
[Laughter]
1602
01:01:30,601 --> 01:01:33,733
Becomes one of the biggest
blockbuster stars of all time.
1603
01:01:33,734 --> 01:01:35,132
"What are you gonna do next,
Arnie?"
1604
01:01:35,133 --> 01:01:36,867
"I think I'll marry
a Kennedy."
1605
01:01:36,868 --> 01:01:38,967
"There's no fucking way
you can do that."
1606
01:01:38,968 --> 01:01:40,967
Bam! he does it.
1607
01:01:40,968 --> 01:01:42,399
Cherry on top.
1608
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:45,766
I'm running for governor of
a state I can't even pronounce,
1609
01:01:45,767 --> 01:01:48,666
and he wins the election.
1610
01:01:48,667 --> 01:01:50,999
Why wouldn't this guy
think he couldn't bang his maid
1611
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,600
in his own bed
and get away with it?
1612
01:01:53,601 --> 01:01:58,199
This dude has been in the zone
for over four decades!
1613
01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:02,900
Four decades...
nothin' but net.
1614
01:02:02,901 --> 01:02:04,967
Bang a maid
in my own bed?
1615
01:02:04,968 --> 01:02:07,533
Dude, that's a layup.
Are you serious?
1616
01:02:07,534 --> 01:02:09,132
I had a hit movie
with a midget.
1617
01:02:09,133 --> 01:02:10,700
I don't even need
a condom.
1618
01:02:10,701 --> 01:02:14,666
[Silly voice]
Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh!
1619
01:02:14,667 --> 01:02:16,534
Right?
1620
01:02:18,334 --> 01:02:20,500
And then what happens?
The smoke clears.
1621
01:02:20,501 --> 01:02:22,566
Then all these trolls
come out of the woodwork
1622
01:02:22,567 --> 01:02:24,600
and start judging
this great man.
1623
01:02:24,601 --> 01:02:27,166
All these fatties,
these fucking old guys
1624
01:02:27,167 --> 01:02:29,733
who never got any
with their jowls.
1625
01:02:29,734 --> 01:02:31,099
Coming on TV...
1626
01:02:31,100 --> 01:02:34,533
[blubbery voice] "Absolutely
reprehensible behavior.
1627
01:02:34,534 --> 01:02:37,333
What kind of
a public servant...
1628
01:02:37,334 --> 01:02:41,233
His legacy is... "
[Gibberish]
1629
01:02:41,234 --> 01:02:43,600
[Laughs]
Like they have any idea
1630
01:02:43,601 --> 01:02:47,066
what it's like to be tempted
at that level, right?
1631
01:02:47,067 --> 01:02:48,366
Like they have groupies
1632
01:02:48,367 --> 01:02:51,266
as they waddle out
to their Mercury Tracer
1633
01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:53,299
parked on the other side
of a dumpster.
1634
01:02:53,300 --> 01:02:56,367
Really?
You're beating them off?
1635
01:02:58,100 --> 01:02:59,800
This guy, he's not
a great man anymore?
1636
01:02:59,801 --> 01:03:00,999
Terminator doesn't count?
1637
01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:02,633
Is that what the fuck
you're telling me?
1638
01:03:02,634 --> 01:03:04,600
'Cause he fucked Alice?
Really?
1639
01:03:04,601 --> 01:03:06,766
He's still not a great man
because he did that,
1640
01:03:06,767 --> 01:03:08,633
then the whole thing's over?
1641
01:03:08,634 --> 01:03:10,500
Anybody here think they could
move to Austria,
1642
01:03:10,501 --> 01:03:12,900
learn the language,
become famous for working out,
1643
01:03:12,901 --> 01:03:15,633
then be a movie star,
then marry into their royalty,
1644
01:03:15,634 --> 01:03:16,900
and hold public office?
1645
01:03:16,901 --> 01:03:18,533
How many lifetimes
would you need...
1646
01:03:18,534 --> 01:03:21,600
I'm on my third attempt
at Rosetta Stone Spanish.
1647
01:03:21,601 --> 01:03:23,766
All right?
1648
01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:26,066
How can I judge these guys?
1649
01:03:26,067 --> 01:03:29,099
I can barely handle
the temptations of Facebook.
1650
01:03:29,100 --> 01:03:31,099
I'm gonna judge
Tiger Woods?
1651
01:03:31,100 --> 01:03:33,766
I golf.
I don't walk off the 18th hole,
1652
01:03:33,767 --> 01:03:35,666
and there's a busload
of Scandinavian women
1653
01:03:35,667 --> 01:03:37,800
waiting to fuck
my brains out.
1654
01:03:37,801 --> 01:03:40,534
"Sorry, ladies, gotta go home
to the wife" right?
1655
01:03:42,300 --> 01:03:44,533
No, it kills me.
1656
01:03:44,534 --> 01:03:47,833
And there's no help out there
for guys.
1657
01:03:47,834 --> 01:03:49,233
There isn't.
There's nothing out there
1658
01:03:49,234 --> 01:03:51,032
to help you handle
becoming rich and famous.
1659
01:03:51,033 --> 01:03:54,833
There's nothing to prepare you
for that platoon of whores
1660
01:03:54,834 --> 01:03:56,999
that's gonna form
on the horizon, right?
1661
01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,633
Like Braveheart...
faces painted, skirts on.
1662
01:03:59,634 --> 01:04:00,867
We'll run down the hill.
1663
01:04:00,868 --> 01:04:02,533
They'll jump on your dick
in front of your wife.
1664
01:04:02,534 --> 01:04:04,299
They don't give a shit.
1665
01:04:04,300 --> 01:04:06,399
There's not even
a handbook out there.
1666
01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:08,700
I saw one article
written about it
1667
01:04:08,701 --> 01:04:10,166
on the cover
of Time Magazine.
1668
01:04:10,167 --> 01:04:12,900
It said, "Why do so many rich,
famous, and powerful men
1669
01:04:12,901 --> 01:04:15,366
act like absolute pigs?"
Right?
1670
01:04:15,367 --> 01:04:17,900
And the article was actually
written by a woman.
1671
01:04:17,901 --> 01:04:19,500
That's like me
writing a book,
1672
01:04:19,501 --> 01:04:23,266
The third trimester
and what to expect.
1673
01:04:23,267 --> 01:04:26,800
Ladies, you're gonna
feel a pressure...
1674
01:04:26,801 --> 01:04:28,766
how the hell
would I know?
1675
01:04:28,767 --> 01:04:30,900
You don't wanna hear that
from me, right?
1676
01:04:30,901 --> 01:04:32,600
Then why is this woman
telling me
1677
01:04:32,601 --> 01:04:34,233
what it's like
to have a dick?
1678
01:04:34,234 --> 01:04:35,933
That makes no sense.
1679
01:04:35,934 --> 01:04:38,800
You have no idea
what it's like to have a dick.
1680
01:04:38,801 --> 01:04:41,333
24/7...
"Do it, do it, fuck it, do it."
1681
01:04:41,334 --> 01:04:44,032
That's what it's saying.
"Do it, do it!
1682
01:04:44,033 --> 01:04:45,600
Yeah, do it!"
1683
01:04:45,601 --> 01:04:48,399
That's how we survived
as a species.
1684
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,700
Every man in here
is programmed to fuck
1685
01:04:50,701 --> 01:04:53,466
85% of the women
in this room.
1686
01:04:53,467 --> 01:04:55,066
Right?
Yeah, we are.
1687
01:04:55,067 --> 01:04:56,900
"Do it, do it, fuck it,
do it" you know?
1688
01:04:56,901 --> 01:04:58,399
It's just that you won't.
1689
01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:00,600
That's the only reason
why we don't, you know?
1690
01:05:00,601 --> 01:05:02,967
That's not you keeping
your dick in check, you know?
1691
01:05:02,968 --> 01:05:05,132
Some guy at home depot,
working there,
1692
01:05:05,133 --> 01:05:07,967
he wants to fuck just as many
women as a celebrity, right?
1693
01:05:07,968 --> 01:05:09,199
But he can't do it.
1694
01:05:09,200 --> 01:05:13,099
'Cause whores don't care
about lumber, right?
1695
01:05:13,100 --> 01:05:15,900
[Laughs]
1696
01:05:15,901 --> 01:05:18,800
But the second he hits
the fucking lottery,
1697
01:05:18,801 --> 01:05:20,132
all of a sudden that,
"Do it, do it, fuck it, do it"
1698
01:05:20,133 --> 01:05:21,666
you know,
that wasn't affecting his life,
1699
01:05:21,667 --> 01:05:23,299
then all of a sudden
these whores show up...
1700
01:05:23,300 --> 01:05:25,867
"I'll do it, I'll suck it,
I'll do it" right?
1701
01:05:25,868 --> 01:05:27,199
[Laughs]
1702
01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:30,633
No, somebody's gotta step up,
all right?
1703
01:05:30,634 --> 01:05:32,766
I'm not even blaming whores,
really.
1704
01:05:32,767 --> 01:05:34,399
Just... guys,
we're fucking idiots.
1705
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:35,867
What are we doing?
1706
01:05:35,868 --> 01:05:37,999
Why are we working so hard
and then giving it all away
1707
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:39,500
to some chick
who did three shifts
1708
01:05:39,501 --> 01:05:42,867
at a fucking Hooters,
you know?
1709
01:05:42,868 --> 01:05:44,433
They're fucking bums
1710
01:05:44,434 --> 01:05:47,032
sitting there with fucking
dorito dust in their cleavage
1711
01:05:47,033 --> 01:05:50,032
walking around with hundreds
of millions of dollars.
1712
01:05:50,033 --> 01:05:52,633
I'm sick of this.
"That's what the law says."
1713
01:05:52,634 --> 01:05:53,766
A hundred years ago,
1714
01:05:53,767 --> 01:05:54,967
I could beat you
with a fucking mop handle
1715
01:05:54,968 --> 01:05:56,733
and be like,
"That's what the law says."
1716
01:05:56,734 --> 01:05:59,466
Doesn't make us right.
1717
01:05:59,467 --> 01:06:01,600
No, it's unreal.
1718
01:06:01,601 --> 01:06:03,933
And all this shit's going down,
and we're not doing anything.
1719
01:06:03,934 --> 01:06:05,500
What are we doing?
Same old shit.
1720
01:06:05,501 --> 01:06:08,700
Sitting around watching
shark week, right?
1721
01:06:08,701 --> 01:06:11,233
Watching shit about
poisonous snakes
1722
01:06:11,234 --> 01:06:12,633
half a world away.
1723
01:06:12,634 --> 01:06:15,366
Just filling your head up with
all this useless information.
1724
01:06:15,367 --> 01:06:17,999
What to do if you come face
to face with a bengal tiger.
1725
01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:19,833
Don't look at it,
don't look away.
1726
01:06:19,834 --> 01:06:23,199
Slowly back up
as you push your friend forward.
1727
01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:25,066
Right?
1728
01:06:25,067 --> 01:06:26,800
All this useless
information,
1729
01:06:26,801 --> 01:06:29,199
yet hanging between your legs
is this thing
1730
01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:31,666
that could crumble
your entire empire...
1731
01:06:31,667 --> 01:06:32,833
seven minutes or less.
1732
01:06:32,834 --> 01:06:35,766
Don't know a fucking thing
about it.
1733
01:06:35,767 --> 01:06:38,600
Even worse,
you think it's your friend.
1734
01:06:38,601 --> 01:06:39,800
Yeah, you know why?
1735
01:06:39,801 --> 01:06:41,600
'Cause your dick's like
a dreamer, you know?
1736
01:06:41,601 --> 01:06:43,066
Your dick believes.
1737
01:06:43,067 --> 01:06:45,500
It's like
a motivational speaker.
1738
01:06:45,501 --> 01:06:47,299
I don't give a shit
what question you ask it.
1739
01:06:47,300 --> 01:06:49,233
It's always like,
"Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
1740
01:06:49,234 --> 01:06:50,399
Sounds like a plan!
1741
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:54,399
Exit strategy... later!
We'll be fine!"
1742
01:06:54,400 --> 01:06:56,399
Where's your dick
when you get caught, right?
1743
01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:58,366
It's just slumped over like,
"Yeah, I thought it was
1744
01:06:58,367 --> 01:07:00,933
a good idea."
Yeah.
1745
01:07:00,934 --> 01:07:02,132
You have to know that.
1746
01:07:02,133 --> 01:07:04,066
Dude, if your dick
was a third base coach,
1747
01:07:04,067 --> 01:07:05,333
it wouldn't hold anybody up.
1748
01:07:05,334 --> 01:07:07,800
It'd just be fucking
waving people around.
1749
01:07:07,801 --> 01:07:09,999
"Everybody,
go in standing up!
1750
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,700
"You got it, you got it.
1751
01:07:11,701 --> 01:07:14,299
Aw, shit, here she comes.
Slide, slide, slide!"
1752
01:07:14,300 --> 01:07:15,666
All right,
you guys were awesome.
1753
01:07:15,667 --> 01:07:17,199
Thank you so much
for coming out.
1754
01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:19,867
I hope you had as good a time
as I did.
1755
01:07:19,868 --> 01:07:21,199
Thank you!
1756
01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:24,467
[Cheers and applause]
1757
01:07:28,501 --> 01:07:34,033
[Inaudible speech]
1758
01:08:22,567 --> 01:08:24,968
[Crowd chatter]
1758
01:08:25,305 --> 01:09:25,888
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