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[Deirdre]
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,157
Neither of you were here
3
00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:10,241
for the Pickle Wiggle
fiasco of 1993.
4
00:00:10,324 --> 00:00:12,616
[Seb] Picture that thing,
but vibrating
5
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,032
at the bottom
of a cereal box.
6
00:00:14,116 --> 00:00:15,783
I wanna see a place
that makes Mom so happy,
7
00:00:15,866 --> 00:00:16,991
she'd choose that over us.
8
00:00:17,074 --> 00:00:18,658
[Judy] The show is a trap.
9
00:00:18,741 --> 00:00:19,991
You are a terrible father!
10
00:00:20,074 --> 00:00:21,658
Would you please
say something,
11
00:00:21,741 --> 00:00:22,533
anything, please?
12
00:00:22,616 --> 00:00:23,700
[all chanting] Murderer!
13
00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:25,658
You killed the magic!
14
00:00:25,741 --> 00:00:28,866
[crowd] Murderer!
Murderer!
15
00:00:29,408 --> 00:00:31,825
♪ light music ♪
16
00:00:31,908 --> 00:00:33,991
Breakfast
is so boring!
17
00:00:34,074 --> 00:00:36,658
- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!
18
00:00:36,741 --> 00:00:38,616
Maestro Pimento Fermata!
19
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,157
What are you
doing here?
20
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:43,157
Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?
21
00:00:43,241 --> 00:00:45,449
[You Can Feel Anything
At All plays]
22
00:00:45,533 --> 00:00:47,324
[both] Wow!
Awesome!
23
00:00:47,408 --> 00:00:49,616
[Maestro] Allora-- now you
can be like the maestro
24
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,199
and start your own choir
25
00:00:51,282 --> 00:00:53,825
by collecting
all four Pickle Wigglers.
26
00:00:53,908 --> 00:00:55,449
[tap tap tap]
27
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,074
[opening notes of You Can
Feel Anything At All]
28
00:00:58,157 --> 00:01:00,282
[Maestro]
And even more good news!
29
00:01:00,366 --> 00:01:03,157
Best-O's is molto healthy
for your body.
30
00:01:03,241 --> 00:01:05,658
Mom, there's no added sugar!
31
00:01:05,741 --> 00:01:07,241
- Oh?
- Mom, there's no
32
00:01:07,324 --> 00:01:09,157
- artificial colors!
- Oh?
33
00:01:09,241 --> 00:01:12,032
Mom, there's no
artificial flavors!
34
00:01:12,116 --> 00:01:14,032
Oh?
Best-O's Cereal.
35
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,157
The cereal
that makes you go...
36
00:01:16,241 --> 00:01:17,449
oh!
37
00:01:18,658 --> 00:01:21,658
[Muzak playing over speakers]
38
00:01:21,741 --> 00:01:24,991
[background chatter]
39
00:01:25,074 --> 00:01:27,032
- [woman] 'Scuse me.
- [chatter increases]
40
00:01:27,116 --> 00:01:28,866
[P.A.] Clean up, aisle seven.
41
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:32,449
[women chattering]
42
00:01:33,908 --> 00:01:36,825
What the fuck do they
put in this shit?
43
00:01:36,908 --> 00:01:38,116
[plastic rustling]
44
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,991
Mom, there's no toy
in the box!
45
00:01:41,074 --> 00:01:43,449
- [buzzing, tune playing]
- [woman] Ohh....oh!
46
00:01:43,533 --> 00:01:45,658
Ohh...
47
00:01:45,741 --> 00:01:48,741
♪ percussive,
whimsical music ♪
48
00:01:48,825 --> 00:01:54,157
♪♪♪
49
00:02:00,991 --> 00:02:04,116
[Deirdre] Dad, don't hang up.
50
00:02:04,199 --> 00:02:06,032
[Seb] I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.
51
00:02:06,116 --> 00:02:08,157
I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.
52
00:02:08,241 --> 00:02:09,616
[Jill] I don't care.
He's an adult.
53
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:10,700
He'll come home.
54
00:02:10,783 --> 00:02:13,116
[click, beeping]
55
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,491
[soft, heavy breathing]
56
00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:27,533
[click]
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00:02:27,616 --> 00:02:29,241
[buzzing]
58
00:02:29,324 --> 00:02:30,950
[You Can Feel
Anything At All playing]
59
00:02:31,032 --> 00:02:32,950
- [Deirdre] Ohh...ah...
- Mom?
60
00:02:33,032 --> 00:02:35,157
Mom, I'm hungry.
61
00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:36,908
- [music stops]
- [Deirdre] Oh, Jesus--
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00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,282
Where'd it go?
63
00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:41,366
Where did it go?
Where did it go?
64
00:02:42,449 --> 00:02:43,408
[sighs]
65
00:02:43,491 --> 00:02:44,282
Ooh...
66
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,199
Why are you walking
like that?
67
00:02:46,282 --> 00:02:49,282
Because this is how
stressed-out people walk
68
00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:51,700
when their brothers
go AWOL!
69
00:02:51,783 --> 00:02:52,866
Oh.
70
00:02:52,950 --> 00:02:54,616
What do I tell the Smithsonian
71
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:55,741
if he doesn't show up?
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00:02:55,825 --> 00:02:56,950
He'll be there.
73
00:02:57,032 --> 00:02:58,282
He's not going to miss
74
00:02:58,366 --> 00:03:00,366
his own lifetime
achievement award.
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00:03:00,449 --> 00:03:01,658
This is stale.
76
00:03:01,741 --> 00:03:04,658
I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.
77
00:03:04,741 --> 00:03:06,491
I can't lose 25.
78
00:03:06,574 --> 00:03:08,991
Jeff lost his entire
pickle family.
79
00:03:09,074 --> 00:03:10,825
He's due some time on his own.
80
00:03:10,908 --> 00:03:12,199
Maybe he finally...
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00:03:12,282 --> 00:03:13,116
Maddy.
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00:03:13,199 --> 00:03:15,366
That is insanely
inappropriate.
83
00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:18,032
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
84
00:03:18,116 --> 00:03:20,408
You don't think
this is my fault, do you?
85
00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:22,491
[exhales softly]
86
00:03:22,574 --> 00:03:24,658
Right, because
everything's my fault,
87
00:03:24,741 --> 00:03:26,658
always my fault--
just say it.
88
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,491
You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?
89
00:03:29,574 --> 00:03:31,241
Just say it!
90
00:03:32,658 --> 00:03:33,991
Say it!
91
00:03:34,074 --> 00:03:36,533
Do you wish
you only had one child?
92
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,950
Tell me, honestly,
right now.
93
00:03:39,032 --> 00:03:42,449
I wanna hear it.
It's open season.
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00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:49,199
You are...unbelievable.
95
00:03:49,282 --> 00:03:51,282
Maddy, get in the car.
96
00:03:51,366 --> 00:03:53,533
I wanna stay with
Grandpa.
97
00:03:53,616 --> 00:03:54,950
Fine!
98
00:03:56,533 --> 00:03:58,574
Forget it.
99
00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:03,700
Were you
trying to talk just now
100
00:04:03,783 --> 00:04:06,241
but your brain
wouldn't let you?
101
00:04:06,324 --> 00:04:09,032
We need to go see
a doctor right now.
102
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:12,449
[overlapping chatter]
103
00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:18,366
[soft chiming over speakers]
104
00:04:18,449 --> 00:04:19,700
Hey!
105
00:04:19,783 --> 00:04:22,324
Where's Jeff?
106
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:25,991
What happens
if he doesn't show up?
107
00:04:26,074 --> 00:04:29,324
Have you thought
about that?
108
00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:35,908
[Jimmy Jones'
Good Timin' plays]
109
00:04:35,991 --> 00:04:37,991
♪♪♪
110
00:04:38,074 --> 00:04:40,366
♪ Oh, you need timin' ♪
111
00:04:40,449 --> 00:04:42,282
♪ A tick, a tick,
a tick...♪
112
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:45,366
[Ray] Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?
113
00:04:45,449 --> 00:04:48,741
He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in
114
00:04:48,825 --> 00:04:50,408
and burn it to shit
115
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:54,116
with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.
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00:04:54,199 --> 00:04:55,616
At least he's got
what it takes
117
00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:57,866
to stand up to Khrushchev
and the Reds.
118
00:04:57,950 --> 00:04:59,199
Are you telling jokes?
119
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:02,157
Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh
120
00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:05,324
and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!
121
00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:07,324
It's a Pinscher,
not a Pincher.
122
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,825
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
123
00:05:09,908 --> 00:05:11,825
Larry,
settle an argument.
124
00:05:11,908 --> 00:05:14,116
- [clattering]
- [Jeff] Gladys.
125
00:05:14,199 --> 00:05:16,783
What'd I tell you
about opening the fridge?
126
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:18,950
Stay in front of the bar.
127
00:05:19,032 --> 00:05:20,324
[inhales]
128
00:05:20,408 --> 00:05:24,199
Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.
129
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,658
Better than that war hawk
Dick Nixon.
130
00:05:26,741 --> 00:05:28,032
Larry served.
131
00:05:28,116 --> 00:05:30,116
I was a sniper in Korea.
132
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,241
Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.
133
00:05:32,324 --> 00:05:34,950
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,
134
00:05:35,032 --> 00:05:37,783
but he's a family man
too.
135
00:05:37,866 --> 00:05:39,157
You got kids, Larry?
136
00:05:39,241 --> 00:05:41,449
Phil, Will, Bill, Gil,
Til, and Dill--
137
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:42,408
all boys.
138
00:05:42,491 --> 00:05:44,366
Larry
with the strong semen!
139
00:05:44,449 --> 00:05:46,408
- [Larry laughs]
- Oh, yeah, and they're all
140
00:05:46,491 --> 00:05:48,658
- gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
- [Larry] Aw, come on!
141
00:05:48,741 --> 00:05:50,991
Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.
142
00:05:51,074 --> 00:05:52,741
Sorry, Babs.
143
00:05:52,825 --> 00:05:54,324
Next one's on the house.
144
00:05:54,408 --> 00:05:55,908
You're a prince, Larry.
145
00:05:55,991 --> 00:05:57,366
Ha. Tell ya what.
146
00:05:57,449 --> 00:05:58,783
Next one's on the house
for everybody.
147
00:05:58,866 --> 00:06:00,282
- Oh!
- Oh!
148
00:06:00,366 --> 00:06:03,783
- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!
149
00:06:03,866 --> 00:06:06,366
[all] Larry, Larry!
150
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,825
- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.
151
00:06:08,908 --> 00:06:11,074
[fading]
Larry, Larry...
152
00:06:11,157 --> 00:06:12,324
[music stops]
153
00:06:12,408 --> 00:06:14,074
They're dry as a bone
out there.
154
00:06:14,157 --> 00:06:15,991
Good.
Ha.
155
00:06:16,074 --> 00:06:18,491
Let's keep it that way.
156
00:06:30,783 --> 00:06:33,449
- [small sigh]
- [liquid pouring]
157
00:06:35,241 --> 00:06:37,032
You good, man?
158
00:06:37,116 --> 00:06:38,741
Uh...
159
00:06:38,825 --> 00:06:40,616
I should get going.
160
00:06:42,616 --> 00:06:44,408
Do you wanna be buried,
cremated,
161
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:47,116
- or drowned?
- What?
162
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:49,908
[chatter, P.A. announcement]
163
00:06:49,991 --> 00:06:51,449
Did you see that woman?
164
00:06:51,533 --> 00:06:54,574
- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.
165
00:06:54,658 --> 00:06:58,908
She looked exactly
like my ex-wife--exactly.
166
00:06:58,991 --> 00:07:00,574
I thought you hated her.
167
00:07:00,658 --> 00:07:01,908
I do.
168
00:07:01,991 --> 00:07:04,116
I also love her.
169
00:07:04,199 --> 00:07:05,783
I get it.
I really get it.
170
00:07:05,866 --> 00:07:07,282
Wait here.
171
00:07:07,366 --> 00:07:09,199
- [door opens]
- [Debrincat] Sebastian.
172
00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:10,408
Sorry to keep you waiting.
173
00:07:10,491 --> 00:07:14,074
I had a momentary
inability to speak.
174
00:07:14,157 --> 00:07:16,783
But everything feels
tip-top now.
175
00:07:16,866 --> 00:07:18,199
I'm afraid your blood work
176
00:07:18,282 --> 00:07:20,574
tells a complicated story
of love and loss.
177
00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:22,282
- It does?
- It does what?
178
00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:24,199
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
179
00:07:24,282 --> 00:07:26,157
I said you've had
a minor stroke.
180
00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:28,741
Oh, well,
well, that's what I thought.
181
00:07:28,825 --> 00:07:32,157
And you're at risk
for a major one.
182
00:07:32,241 --> 00:07:34,616
- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.
183
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,658
Maddy,
do you wanna leave?
184
00:07:36,741 --> 00:07:38,908
- No.
- [murmurs] All right.
185
00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:41,574
[Debrincat] Your red blood cell
count--it's high.
186
00:07:41,658 --> 00:07:43,741
It's like California
and earthquakes.
187
00:07:43,825 --> 00:07:46,199
The Big One
could come tomorrow.
188
00:07:46,282 --> 00:07:48,199
Could be a week, a month.
189
00:07:48,282 --> 00:07:50,658
- A year?
- I didn't say a year.
190
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:56,866
Your heart
sounds scared.
191
00:07:58,074 --> 00:08:02,658
Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?
192
00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:04,658
Pinky promise.
193
00:08:04,741 --> 00:08:06,241
Pinky promise.
194
00:08:06,324 --> 00:08:09,116
Is there a cure for
dementia,
195
00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:11,282
Alzheimer's?
No.
196
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,449
But can we treat it?
Yes.
197
00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:16,616
With quality memory care.
198
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:20,866
Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,
199
00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:22,449
every day.
200
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,491
Mickey Mantle
bats for the Yankees
201
00:08:24,574 --> 00:08:27,783
and Eisenhower
sits in the Oval.
202
00:08:27,866 --> 00:08:28,866
[small laugh]
203
00:08:29,991 --> 00:08:32,866
Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind
204
00:08:32,991 --> 00:08:35,324
from--from outbursts--
205
00:08:35,408 --> 00:08:37,449
Could you excuse me
for one second?
206
00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,741
- [man] Sure.
- Thank you.
207
00:08:47,866 --> 00:08:49,408
[phone buzzes]
208
00:08:50,116 --> 00:08:51,574
[door opens]
209
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,574
[footsteps approach]
210
00:08:57,408 --> 00:08:59,741
What's up, man?
211
00:09:00,991 --> 00:09:03,991
[sighs]
212
00:09:04,074 --> 00:09:05,157
Can I stay
a little longer?
213
00:09:05,241 --> 00:09:06,324
You're Jeff Pickles.
214
00:09:06,408 --> 00:09:08,324
You can stay
as long as you want.
215
00:09:08,408 --> 00:09:10,241
That's not true, Cornell.
216
00:09:10,324 --> 00:09:12,199
No, no,
I really don't mind.
217
00:09:12,282 --> 00:09:13,616
You should know by now
218
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,700
that visiting hours
don't apply to you.
219
00:09:15,783 --> 00:09:18,658
No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...
220
00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:21,783
he isn't born
for another eight years.
221
00:09:23,074 --> 00:09:24,533
Have I shown you
the bus stop?
222
00:09:24,616 --> 00:09:27,866
[mellow '60s easy listening]
223
00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:31,116
♪♪♪
224
00:09:31,199 --> 00:09:33,658
[low background chatter]
225
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,324
[Cornell] It's new
since your last visit.
226
00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,449
Solved a big problem for us--
227
00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:41,491
what to do when a patient
wants to leave.
228
00:09:41,574 --> 00:09:44,616
So now when they get
that itch to go,
229
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:47,449
an aide comes and brings them
to the bus stop,
230
00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:50,908
and they wait
until they forget
231
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,783
why they wanted to leave
in the first place.
232
00:09:54,783 --> 00:09:57,991
And they just go
right back inside.
233
00:09:58,074 --> 00:09:59,741
[sighs]
234
00:10:00,616 --> 00:10:02,616
But don't you feel like
you're lying
235
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,074
to the elderly and demented?
236
00:10:05,157 --> 00:10:07,783
A lie is for you.
237
00:10:07,866 --> 00:10:09,783
This is for them.
238
00:10:09,866 --> 00:10:12,491
We call it compassionate
deception.
239
00:10:12,574 --> 00:10:14,574
But the bus
will never come
240
00:10:14,658 --> 00:10:16,741
and she'll never
get to leave.
241
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,616
And Larry'll never get to
vote for Nixon.
242
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,574
But he can make
a mean mocktail.
243
00:10:21,658 --> 00:10:23,908
Most of the people
who want to leave
244
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,825
are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.
245
00:10:26,908 --> 00:10:30,199
[huffs] Do we tell them
the spouse they wanna get to
246
00:10:30,282 --> 00:10:31,700
died 30 years ago
247
00:10:31,783 --> 00:10:34,449
or that their childhood home
is now a Walmart?
248
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,574
- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
249
00:10:36,658 --> 00:10:39,700
The fantasy is the pill.
250
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,449
So...
251
00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:44,783
it's not a lie
if it heals.
252
00:10:44,866 --> 00:10:47,950
[snaps fingers]
[softly] Exactly.
253
00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:49,366
[man] Dad?
254
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:53,074
Could you help me get ready?
255
00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:55,116
Sure, son.
256
00:10:55,199 --> 00:10:57,950
[mellow music continues]
257
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:03,491
♪♪♪
258
00:11:10,533 --> 00:11:13,324
[chaplain]
Since first meeting him
259
00:11:13,408 --> 00:11:15,741
as an OSU sophomore,
260
00:11:15,825 --> 00:11:19,157
I knew Jeff Pickles
would go on
261
00:11:19,241 --> 00:11:22,950
to touch countless lives
262
00:11:23,032 --> 00:11:24,241
around the world.
263
00:11:24,324 --> 00:11:28,449
In that spirit, let us take
a moment of silence
264
00:11:28,533 --> 00:11:31,574
to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles
265
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:35,825
who was brutally murdered
by his own government.
266
00:11:38,825 --> 00:11:42,991
[You Can Feel Anything
At All playing, muffled]
267
00:11:43,074 --> 00:11:47,533
♪♪♪
268
00:11:47,616 --> 00:11:49,199
[music fades]
269
00:11:49,282 --> 00:11:50,658
We've been having
some trouble
270
00:11:50,741 --> 00:11:52,658
selling that sad,
empty house next door,
271
00:11:52,741 --> 00:11:57,366
but I think if we combine
the two lots,
272
00:11:57,449 --> 00:12:00,783
yours and his,
some happy person
273
00:12:00,866 --> 00:12:04,282
could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.
274
00:12:04,366 --> 00:12:06,408
Wait, what--
I would sell too?
275
00:12:06,491 --> 00:12:09,199
It's time.
Don't you agree?
276
00:12:09,282 --> 00:12:10,616
Change!
277
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,449
What's a Monterey Colonial?
278
00:12:12,533 --> 00:12:14,157
[phone chiming]
279
00:12:14,241 --> 00:12:15,658
Ugh.
[inhales]
280
00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:18,116
- [chiming]
- [whispers] Hold on.
281
00:12:18,199 --> 00:12:19,741
Hello?
282
00:12:19,825 --> 00:12:21,533
[softly] Can you come to
where I am right now?
283
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,616
I'm not going
to that awards thing.
284
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,032
Neither is Will.
Stop asking.
285
00:12:24,116 --> 00:12:26,116
[sighs]
286
00:12:26,199 --> 00:12:27,741
Deirdre?
287
00:12:27,825 --> 00:12:28,700
What?
288
00:12:28,783 --> 00:12:30,491
- You called me.
- Yes.
289
00:12:30,574 --> 00:12:32,199
Did you hear what I said?
290
00:12:32,282 --> 00:12:33,950
[Deirdre] I need immediate
medical attention.
291
00:12:34,032 --> 00:12:36,282
- Go to a hospital.
- It's a personal situation.
292
00:12:36,366 --> 00:12:37,616
Can you come here?
293
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:40,282
Your family's not,
you know, I'm not...
294
00:12:40,366 --> 00:12:42,074
We're not related anymore.
295
00:12:42,157 --> 00:12:43,449
I'm your son's aunt!
296
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:45,408
- Which makes us...
- Sisters!
297
00:12:45,491 --> 00:12:48,783
What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.
298
00:12:48,866 --> 00:12:50,074
I really don't want
the federal government
299
00:12:50,157 --> 00:12:51,825
- listening in on this one.
- [tune plays]
300
00:12:51,908 --> 00:12:53,324
Well, I'm just
in the middle--
301
00:12:53,408 --> 00:12:54,950
Can you please
come down here?
302
00:12:55,032 --> 00:12:57,908
After church,
can we go fishing?
303
00:12:57,991 --> 00:13:00,741
A day on the lake?
I love lakes.
304
00:13:00,825 --> 00:13:02,741
- [chuckles]
- That's a great idea.
305
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:06,533
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.
306
00:13:06,616 --> 00:13:08,241
- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.
307
00:13:08,324 --> 00:13:10,783
Well, it's better to
believe someone who's lying
308
00:13:10,866 --> 00:13:13,282
than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.
309
00:13:13,366 --> 00:13:14,449
Thanks, Dad.
310
00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:16,991
You know,
you're a good dad.
311
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,032
So then you take
312
00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:23,241
that big long one,
313
00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:25,491
and then you're done.
314
00:13:25,574 --> 00:13:26,950
You think you can
do that next time?
315
00:13:27,032 --> 00:13:30,157
I might have to ask you
to show me again.
316
00:13:30,241 --> 00:13:32,658
Well, I'll be here.
317
00:13:34,783 --> 00:13:36,950
Who the fuck are you?
318
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:39,741
- [mellow music playing]
- [Jeff inaudible]
319
00:13:39,825 --> 00:13:41,950
[Jeff] And two, and three...
320
00:13:42,032 --> 00:13:45,491
It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
321
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,616
Your vows
brought me to my knees.
322
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,783
[Edith]
The scent of fresh lilies.
323
00:13:49,866 --> 00:13:52,616
[Jeff] The sunlight
splashed across your face.
324
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,783
[Edith]
It was perfect, wasn't it?
325
00:13:54,866 --> 00:13:56,449
I was so worried
about the salmon,
326
00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:58,157
but it was
everybody's favorite.
327
00:13:58,241 --> 00:14:00,074
Even Aunt Beth
went back for seconds.
328
00:14:00,157 --> 00:14:03,157
[laughing] And you know
how she can be.
329
00:14:03,241 --> 00:14:06,366
Who's Beth?
330
00:14:06,449 --> 00:14:08,074
Do you love me?
331
00:14:08,157 --> 00:14:11,032
I love you to the moon,
Leonard.
332
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,408
[huskily] I love you
to the moon...
333
00:14:13,491 --> 00:14:15,282
wife.
334
00:14:15,366 --> 00:14:17,157
- [giggles]
- Spin!
335
00:14:17,241 --> 00:14:18,741
♪♪♪
336
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,449
You're so lucky
to do this every day.
337
00:14:21,533 --> 00:14:23,449
[laughter,
background chatter]
338
00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:24,866
[Edith]
Oh...
339
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:28,449
now dip me like one of
your French women.
340
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:29,825
[inhales]
341
00:14:29,908 --> 00:14:33,991
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
342
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:38,324
♪ Only in
my dreams ♪
343
00:14:38,408 --> 00:14:41,074
[music fades]
344
00:14:41,157 --> 00:14:42,658
Hi, Mom.
345
00:14:42,741 --> 00:14:46,074
You're confused.
I'm Louise.
346
00:14:47,282 --> 00:14:49,241
Hi, Louise.
347
00:14:49,324 --> 00:14:51,282
I'm your son.
348
00:14:53,324 --> 00:14:54,533
No.
349
00:14:54,616 --> 00:14:56,116
[laughs]
No.
350
00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:58,950
I don't think so.
[laughing]
351
00:15:00,074 --> 00:15:02,866
So where ya headed,
Louise?
352
00:15:02,950 --> 00:15:05,282
A place
that makes me happy.
353
00:15:05,366 --> 00:15:07,116
Niagara Falls?
354
00:15:09,282 --> 00:15:10,574
How did you know?
355
00:15:10,658 --> 00:15:12,199
Just a guess.
356
00:15:12,282 --> 00:15:14,282
My sister lives there.
357
00:15:20,491 --> 00:15:22,533
I wish I could
go with you.
358
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:25,199
No, I'm going alone.
359
00:15:26,408 --> 00:15:28,157
[Deirdre]
Cock fucker!
360
00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:29,074
Son of a fuck!
361
00:15:29,157 --> 00:15:32,783
I can't wait
to get out of
362
00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:34,866
- this fucking family!
- Please hurry.
363
00:15:34,950 --> 00:15:36,116
Every time it sings,
it goes up further.
364
00:15:36,199 --> 00:15:38,116
- [tune playing]
- [Deirdre] Oh--ooh--
365
00:15:38,199 --> 00:15:39,866
[Jill] You wouldn't have
had this problem with the alto.
366
00:15:39,950 --> 00:15:41,783
How was Hershey Park?
367
00:15:41,866 --> 00:15:43,991
Scott and I went there once,
but...
368
00:15:44,074 --> 00:15:45,866
he thought the room
was haunted.
369
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:48,074
Hershey Park
is an adolescent nightmare.
370
00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:49,741
It's not even
ironically enjoyable.
371
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,574
Just because
you appreciate chocolate
372
00:15:51,658 --> 00:15:54,241
doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.
373
00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:55,908
But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,
374
00:15:55,991 --> 00:15:58,032
and...whatever, doesn't matter.
375
00:15:58,116 --> 00:16:00,366
I don't matter.
Nothing matters
376
00:16:00,449 --> 00:16:01,700
except for the plumbing
377
00:16:01,783 --> 00:16:03,950
of my ex-husband's
sister's vagina.
378
00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:05,574
- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing
379
00:16:05,658 --> 00:16:09,032
- take the subway?
- You're not wearing your ring.
380
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:11,074
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said
381
00:16:11,157 --> 00:16:13,282
- Peter was proposing.
- Oh, really?
382
00:16:13,366 --> 00:16:15,616
He said this on the plane ride
back from being kidnapped
383
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,116
- to the Philippines?
- No.
384
00:16:17,199 --> 00:16:18,950
On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.
385
00:16:19,032 --> 00:16:21,366
I told Peter
I needed time to think.
386
00:16:21,449 --> 00:16:23,741
- You told him no?
- I said I need time
387
00:16:23,825 --> 00:16:25,282
because I need time.
388
00:16:25,366 --> 00:16:27,241
- [toilet flushes]
- Because you still love Jeff.
389
00:16:27,324 --> 00:16:29,157
- I definitely have zero
feelings for that man--zero!
390
00:16:29,241 --> 00:16:31,282
[woman] Are you two okay
in there?
391
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:32,324
- [Jill] Yeah, we're good.
- [Deirdre] We're just fine.
392
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:33,783
Thank you.
393
00:16:33,866 --> 00:16:36,199
Here, do this for me.
394
00:16:39,157 --> 00:16:42,366
Hey, that's the woman,
her.
395
00:16:42,449 --> 00:16:44,366
That's Grandma.
396
00:16:45,866 --> 00:16:47,116
Are you sure
that's Grandma?
397
00:16:47,199 --> 00:16:50,157
Ah, you never forget
your first wife.
398
00:16:50,908 --> 00:16:52,783
That's not really
Grandma.
399
00:16:52,866 --> 00:16:55,074
No,
but she's a dead ringer.
400
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,157
Go over and say something.
401
00:16:58,241 --> 00:17:00,199
- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.
402
00:17:00,282 --> 00:17:04,658
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
403
00:17:04,741 --> 00:17:07,491
♪ soft music ♪
404
00:17:07,574 --> 00:17:12,491
♪♪♪
405
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:15,157
Excuse me.
406
00:17:16,408 --> 00:17:17,700
Yes?
407
00:17:17,783 --> 00:17:20,324
I'm sorry, but...
you look exactly like
408
00:17:20,408 --> 00:17:22,449
my ex-wife.
409
00:17:22,533 --> 00:17:23,866
That's a terrible line.
410
00:17:23,950 --> 00:17:26,700
[murmurs] Oh,
my name is Sebastiano.
411
00:17:26,783 --> 00:17:28,658
Most everybody
calls me Seb.
412
00:17:28,741 --> 00:17:32,157
And I wonder, um...
413
00:17:32,241 --> 00:17:34,241
would you have
a meal with me?
414
00:17:34,324 --> 00:17:37,366
I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.
415
00:17:37,449 --> 00:17:39,533
You should eat after
you do these things
416
00:17:39,616 --> 00:17:40,700
or you'll pass out.
417
00:17:40,783 --> 00:17:42,741
I have plans.
418
00:17:42,825 --> 00:17:45,116
I understand.
419
00:17:46,616 --> 00:17:48,116
Sebastiano.
420
00:17:48,616 --> 00:17:50,032
Yes.
421
00:17:50,116 --> 00:17:52,908
Give me a reason
to cancel my plans.
422
00:17:52,991 --> 00:17:55,533
I'll give you one tonight.
423
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,908
And another tomorrow morning.
424
00:17:57,991 --> 00:18:00,950
♪ whimsical music ♪
425
00:18:01,032 --> 00:18:06,199
♪♪♪
426
00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:12,408
Your tux reminds me
of a dream I had last night.
427
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:13,825
Oh, God.
Ha.
428
00:18:13,908 --> 00:18:15,199
There's nothing more
annoying
429
00:18:15,282 --> 00:18:17,408
than hearing about
someone's dreams.
430
00:18:17,491 --> 00:18:18,241
That's not true.
431
00:18:18,324 --> 00:18:20,700
Nobody hated
Martin Luther King.
432
00:18:20,783 --> 00:18:22,157
Well, somebody did.
433
00:18:22,241 --> 00:18:23,908
- Oh!
- [both chuckling]
434
00:18:23,991 --> 00:18:25,574
[woman]
You can't make that joke.
435
00:18:25,658 --> 00:18:27,116
[both] Fuck you!
436
00:18:27,199 --> 00:18:29,199
[snickering]
437
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:31,616
Are you sure
we've never met?
438
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,074
[laughs]
439
00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:35,241
Excuse me for a moment.
440
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,282
Wait a minute--there's
something I wanna tell you.
441
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:41,866
You should know that I had
a small stroke today,
442
00:18:41,950 --> 00:18:46,366
but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.
443
00:18:46,449 --> 00:18:48,324
Glad to hear it.
444
00:18:49,866 --> 00:18:52,991
♪ whimsical music ♪
445
00:18:53,074 --> 00:18:58,282
♪♪♪
446
00:19:24,908 --> 00:19:26,950
♪ whimsical music fades ♪
447
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:29,783
[dinner music playing
over speakers]
448
00:19:29,866 --> 00:19:30,741
What?
449
00:19:30,825 --> 00:19:32,991
Have you ever felt that
450
00:19:33,074 --> 00:19:37,533
life is sometimes
suddenly...
451
00:19:37,616 --> 00:19:39,491
so magical?
452
00:19:39,574 --> 00:19:41,157
Yes.
453
00:19:41,241 --> 00:19:44,950
But when you say it,
it sounds stupid.
454
00:19:45,032 --> 00:19:47,908
[both laughing]
455
00:19:54,408 --> 00:19:56,324
[Seb] Mmm.
456
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:02,866
What's beating you up,
little boy?
457
00:20:02,950 --> 00:20:06,366
Guess I just don't
wanna be me.
458
00:20:08,116 --> 00:20:10,241
What's the me
you wanna be?
459
00:20:11,157 --> 00:20:12,825
Someone whose wife
isn't remarrying
460
00:20:12,908 --> 00:20:15,658
an anesthesiologist.
461
00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:17,866
Someone whose...
462
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:21,324
son...
is still talking to him.
463
00:20:24,116 --> 00:20:28,282
Someone who can cope--
ha--with his feelings.
464
00:20:30,116 --> 00:20:34,199
You can feel
anything at all.
465
00:20:34,282 --> 00:20:38,282
Anything at all,
you can feel it.
466
00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:41,282
[whispers] Thanks.
467
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,616
That's good advice.
468
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,324
It's not advice.
469
00:20:45,408 --> 00:20:47,616
I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.
470
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,408
Oh.
471
00:20:51,533 --> 00:20:54,616
There's a way out,
if you wanna hear it.
472
00:20:56,157 --> 00:20:58,241
See, I've got a bastard
of a husband
473
00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:01,199
and two kids
I can't stand.
474
00:21:01,282 --> 00:21:04,199
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
475
00:21:04,282 --> 00:21:06,991
Adorable, funny...
476
00:21:07,074 --> 00:21:08,408
paperweights.
477
00:21:08,491 --> 00:21:11,491
But the good news is
you can always escape.
478
00:21:13,032 --> 00:21:14,074
You can?
479
00:21:14,157 --> 00:21:15,533
- Sure.
- Oh.
480
00:21:15,616 --> 00:21:16,574
It's easy.
481
00:21:16,658 --> 00:21:20,366
Failure doesn't have to
follow you.
482
00:21:20,449 --> 00:21:22,241
I'm escaping
to Niagara Falls
483
00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,741
to where my sister
lives.
484
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:27,199
You want out?
485
00:21:27,282 --> 00:21:31,241
You just have to
get on the bus.
486
00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:35,199
And the bus...
always shows up.
487
00:21:35,282 --> 00:21:38,157
♪ soft music ♪
488
00:21:38,241 --> 00:21:43,408
♪♪♪
489
00:21:50,199 --> 00:21:53,533
I'm sorry.
I have...to go home.
490
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:07,700
[chaplain] As a monotheist,
I always believed
491
00:22:07,783 --> 00:22:09,908
there was one creator.
492
00:22:09,991 --> 00:22:12,199
Until I met our next speaker.
493
00:22:12,282 --> 00:22:15,282
Please welcome the alchemist
494
00:22:15,366 --> 00:22:17,741
who creates all those
wonderful creatures
495
00:22:17,825 --> 00:22:21,700
on Puppet Time,
Deirdre Piccirillo.
496
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,116
Deirdre?
497
00:22:26,199 --> 00:22:27,783
Is she here?
498
00:22:27,866 --> 00:22:29,032
Go to the E.R.
499
00:22:29,116 --> 00:22:30,491
You know whose fault this is?
500
00:22:30,574 --> 00:22:31,533
Duterte.
501
00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:34,241
He turned the Philippines
into a police state.
502
00:22:34,324 --> 00:22:36,783
He has oppressed his people
for too long.
503
00:22:36,866 --> 00:22:39,950
You can't just heave a man
off a building
504
00:22:40,032 --> 00:22:41,950
for singing about divorce!
505
00:22:42,032 --> 00:22:44,282
The problem is men.
506
00:22:44,366 --> 00:22:46,408
That's the common thread here.
507
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:50,825
Scott--a man--steals
my furniture, my puppets,
508
00:22:50,908 --> 00:22:52,241
ends my marriage?
509
00:22:52,324 --> 00:22:54,366
- Sure.
- Thank you!
510
00:22:54,449 --> 00:22:57,950
And Dad--it's like,
why are you trusting me?
511
00:22:58,032 --> 00:22:59,491
Me?
You can't trust me!
512
00:22:59,574 --> 00:23:01,449
- [Jill chuckles]
- For the past 30 years,
513
00:23:01,533 --> 00:23:03,574
all I'm doing
is making puppets.
514
00:23:03,658 --> 00:23:06,324
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
515
00:23:06,408 --> 00:23:08,741
[strained laugh]
That's on you, Pop.
516
00:23:08,825 --> 00:23:10,074
Anyone else on your list?
517
00:23:10,157 --> 00:23:12,574
Yeah!
Who doesn't show up
518
00:23:12,658 --> 00:23:14,991
for their own
lifetime achievement award?
519
00:23:15,074 --> 00:23:16,700
Selfish people.
520
00:23:16,783 --> 00:23:17,866
When I get an award
521
00:23:17,950 --> 00:23:19,991
for giving away
all the money I embezzled,
522
00:23:20,074 --> 00:23:21,199
I show the fuck up.
523
00:23:21,282 --> 00:23:22,783
Uh-uh, no.
524
00:23:22,866 --> 00:23:24,116
What?
525
00:23:24,199 --> 00:23:26,324
You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.
526
00:23:26,408 --> 00:23:28,700
All that is happening to you
is your fault
527
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:30,032
and no one else's.
528
00:23:30,116 --> 00:23:31,449
In no uncertain terms,
529
00:23:31,533 --> 00:23:34,866
you are the architect
of your own catastrophe
530
00:23:34,950 --> 00:23:38,491
except maybe the Duterte thing,
but he's a dictator.
531
00:23:38,574 --> 00:23:41,032
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
532
00:23:41,116 --> 00:23:44,032
You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.
533
00:23:44,116 --> 00:23:45,574
You chose to manufacture a doll
534
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,533
that listens to children
sleeping,
535
00:23:47,616 --> 00:23:51,991
and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle
536
00:23:52,074 --> 00:23:54,032
into your vagina!
537
00:23:54,116 --> 00:23:55,366
I'm sorry.
538
00:23:55,449 --> 00:23:57,574
You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,
539
00:23:57,658 --> 00:24:00,157
you made it sing--you!
Your fault, you!
540
00:24:00,241 --> 00:24:02,616
You are Duterte!
541
00:24:03,825 --> 00:24:07,658
I've been fucking myself
this whole time!
542
00:24:11,991 --> 00:24:13,574
[thwup, clatter]
543
00:24:13,658 --> 00:24:16,825
[vibrating, playing You Can
Feel Anything At All]
544
00:24:16,908 --> 00:24:18,199
♪♪♪
545
00:24:18,282 --> 00:24:20,366
[gasps]
546
00:24:20,449 --> 00:24:22,908
- [continues playing]
- [exhales]
547
00:24:22,991 --> 00:24:25,825
♪ light music ♪
548
00:24:25,908 --> 00:24:31,324
♪♪♪
549
00:24:36,574 --> 00:24:38,825
- [sighs]
- [footsteps hurry away]
550
00:24:43,408 --> 00:24:46,991
I can't keep chasing her,
can I?
551
00:24:47,074 --> 00:24:49,825
No, man.
Can't.
552
00:24:51,574 --> 00:24:55,991
Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.
553
00:24:56,074 --> 00:24:58,366
Sooner is better.
554
00:24:58,449 --> 00:25:01,199
♪ somber music ♪
555
00:25:01,282 --> 00:25:06,700
♪♪♪
556
00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:13,533
[cheers and applause]
557
00:25:15,866 --> 00:25:17,783
Good evening.
558
00:25:17,866 --> 00:25:19,324
I'm Jeff Pickles.
559
00:25:19,408 --> 00:25:21,574
[applause fades]
560
00:25:24,324 --> 00:25:27,032
You know, my whole life...
561
00:25:27,116 --> 00:25:30,741
I felt I had to choose
between my job and my family.
562
00:25:32,241 --> 00:25:35,491
And it took me till today
563
00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:38,741
to realize how easy
that choice is.
564
00:25:41,324 --> 00:25:45,241
Because one of them is real
565
00:25:45,324 --> 00:25:47,491
and one is a fantasy.
566
00:25:47,574 --> 00:25:51,157
[Jimmy Jones'
Good Timin' plays]
567
00:25:51,241 --> 00:25:53,741
♪ Oh, you need timin' ♪
568
00:25:53,825 --> 00:25:56,908
♪ A tick, a tick, a tick
of good timin' ♪
569
00:25:56,991 --> 00:25:58,741
A tock, a tock, a tock,
a tock ♪
570
00:25:58,825 --> 00:26:01,574
♪ Timin' is the thing,
it's true ♪
571
00:26:01,658 --> 00:26:04,366
♪ Good timin'
brought me to you ♪
572
00:26:04,449 --> 00:26:06,825
♪ vocalizing ♪
573
00:26:06,908 --> 00:26:10,074
♪ What would happen
if you and I ♪
574
00:26:10,157 --> 00:26:13,658
♪ Hadn't just happened
to meet? ♪
575
00:26:13,741 --> 00:26:16,700
♪ We might have spent
the rest of our lives ♪
576
00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:20,533
♪ Walkin' down
misery street, but we had ♪
577
00:26:20,616 --> 00:26:22,741
♪ Timin',
a tick, a tick, a tick ♪
578
00:26:22,825 --> 00:26:26,491
♪ Good timin', a tock,
a tock, a tock, a tock ♪
579
00:26:26,574 --> 00:26:27,533
♪ Timin' is the thing,
it's true ♪
580
00:26:27,616 --> 00:26:28,783
♪ Tinishehi,
'sru♪
39647
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