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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,885 Hey, can I get another drink down here? 2 00:03:19,269 --> 00:03:21,688 There's Santa Claus. Look there. 3 00:03:26,193 --> 00:03:27,778 Wow. 4 00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:40,395 Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want the single? 5 00:03:40,479 --> 00:03:43,773 Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa 6 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,026 or as a wonderful remembrance for friends. 7 00:03:48,109 --> 00:03:51,321 Gee. You know what? This one, I think it's more than enough. 8 00:03:51,404 --> 00:03:53,740 Thanks. Merry Christmas. 9 00:03:54,782 --> 00:03:58,036 - So, what do you want, little girl? - A drum set. 10 00:03:58,703 --> 00:04:02,373 Oh, the old man will love that. Okay. Fine. See you later. 11 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:14,260 I saw you at another mall. 12 00:04:14,344 --> 00:04:16,012 Well, I'm very happy for you. 13 00:04:16,095 --> 00:04:20,099 You're not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic. 14 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:25,603 You want to see some magic? Here. Let's watch you disappear. 15 00:04:26,755 --> 00:04:29,716 Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee. What do you want? 16 00:04:29,799 --> 00:04:33,220 - A new bike. - A new bike. Wow. That's a new one. Excellent. 17 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,323 Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes. 18 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,484 We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas. Thank you for shopping with us. 19 00:04:39,568 --> 00:04:41,778 - Is that it? - Yeah, that's the last one. 20 00:04:41,862 --> 00:04:44,197 Thank the fuck Christ. 21 00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:48,785 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself. 22 00:04:53,623 --> 00:04:55,375 Aw, Jesus. 23 00:04:58,786 --> 00:05:00,996 Okay. 24 00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,843 - Good night. Merry Christmas. - Good night. 25 00:05:05,135 --> 00:05:06,970 Happy holidays to you. 26 00:05:07,771 --> 00:05:09,371 Merry Christmas. 27 00:05:10,172 --> 00:05:12,341 Happy holidays. 28 00:05:13,158 --> 00:05:14,785 Yeah. No, I know. 29 00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:18,448 No, I agree. They shouldn�t pay the whole lot of them. 30 00:05:18,524 --> 00:05:20,284 - What are you doing man, Solo? - I�d get back to you.. 31 00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:21,685 - Hey, hey, hey. - I�m fucking leave here. 32 00:05:21,726 --> 00:05:24,960 Relax. These pants are awful baggy. 33 00:05:25,544 --> 00:05:27,504 You wouldn�t be trying to steal nothing, would you? 34 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,518 You�re an asshole, you know that? 35 00:05:31,901 --> 00:05:33,936 That�s a nice talk. 36 00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,771 I almost had that job. 37 00:05:40,618 --> 00:05:43,005 38 00:06:23,878 --> 00:06:25,262 39 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,778 Ready. 40 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,283 Jesus. 41 00:07:35,524 --> 00:07:38,068 - How's it going? - I'm finished when I'm finished. 42 00:07:38,151 --> 00:07:42,489 I'm going back upstairs. I need a melon baller and a loofah. 43 00:07:44,165 --> 00:07:45,458 Got it. 44 00:07:51,195 --> 00:07:52,697 Fuck the loofah. Let's go. 45 00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:10,474 - Marcus, you get the loofah? - Drive. 46 00:08:46,070 --> 00:08:47,404 Fucking shit� 47 00:08:47,405 --> 00:08:48,905 Fuck you. 48 00:09:29,227 --> 00:09:30,728 Message one. 49 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,213 MAN: Mr. Soke? 50 00:09:32,214 --> 00:09:35,785 This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency. 51 00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:37,211 Message two. 52 00:09:37,212 --> 00:09:40,924 WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod. You ran into my car last week. 53 00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:46,054 I called State Farm, but they have no record of any insurance policy for you. 54 00:09:46,138 --> 00:09:49,308 In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4... 55 00:09:49,441 --> 00:09:50,901 Message three. 56 00:09:50,984 --> 00:09:54,321 Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again. 57 00:09:54,405 --> 00:09:56,448 Pack your shit. Phoenix. 58 00:09:59,151 --> 00:10:03,197 59 00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:34,128 Jesus Christ! 60 00:10:34,211 --> 00:10:37,132 Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes? 61 00:10:37,226 --> 00:10:40,226 For crying out loud, you trucking fucking imbecile. 62 00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:51,508 Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially... 63 00:10:51,591 --> 00:10:53,009 Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. 64 00:10:53,093 --> 00:10:55,137 Five Christmases I've been here. 65 00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,974 You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and who happens to work with a real midget. 66 00:10:59,057 --> 00:11:00,892 Well let me tell you something. Nobody cares. 67 00:11:00,976 --> 00:11:03,687 Nobody comes here for the elf. Santa's the attraction. 68 00:11:03,770 --> 00:11:07,065 I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmo even play guitar? 69 00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:10,569 Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. 70 00:11:10,652 --> 00:11:12,320 Believe me, if it was, I... 71 00:11:12,404 --> 00:11:15,991 I don't think they like "midget. " I think you're supposed to call them... 72 00:11:16,074 --> 00:11:17,993 Oh, just forget it. 73 00:11:19,911 --> 00:11:21,246 Hacks! 74 00:11:22,038 --> 00:11:24,332 Hi. Bob Chipeska. 75 00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:27,527 Welcome. Great photo and r�sum�, by the way. 76 00:11:27,611 --> 00:11:30,072 Thanks. We've been at this a long time and all. 77 00:11:30,255 --> 00:11:32,299 We'd like to think we do a good job. 78 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:36,852 Well, you are truly the best man I�ve ever seen for this job.. 79 00:11:37,058 --> 00:11:38,107 MARCUS: Thanks. 80 00:11:38,108 --> 00:11:40,900 We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about. 81 00:11:41,183 --> 00:11:44,058 You two are the best men for this job, truly. 82 00:11:44,142 --> 00:11:47,433 So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way. 83 00:11:47,517 --> 00:11:49,475 - Oh, no. We're fine. - Performance? 84 00:11:49,490 --> 00:11:52,311 Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um... 85 00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,579 Performance, like sexual? 86 00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,747 - Excuse me? - Willie. 87 00:11:56,748 --> 00:11:59,501 Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? 88 00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:02,421 - Is that what you're saying? - I'm sorry. Your gear? - Willie. 89 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,131 My fuck stick. 90 00:12:06,208 --> 00:12:09,377 Hey, Willie. Take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is. 91 00:12:11,578 --> 00:12:13,878 He�s such a cud that guy, he�s such a cud� 92 00:12:14,461 --> 00:12:17,756 He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children? 93 00:12:17,939 --> 00:12:19,858 No, no, no. It's a joke. 94 00:12:20,317 --> 00:12:23,028 An adult joke for us adults. 95 00:12:25,212 --> 00:12:26,880 It's a joke. Just a joke. 96 00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:40,920 "Fuck stick"? 97 00:12:40,921 --> 00:12:43,799 Yes. I thought it was very strange, too. 98 00:12:44,341 --> 00:12:48,345 So, as our security chief, I wanted you to be aware. 99 00:12:48,429 --> 00:12:51,974 But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it in front of the children� 100 00:12:52,057 --> 00:12:57,948 which is fine. Because, you know, there is an adult world and a child's world, and that's okay. 101 00:12:58,031 --> 00:13:00,617 - I'm no censor. - "Little friend"? 102 00:13:00,784 --> 00:13:03,829 Yes, he happens to be a dwarf. 103 00:13:03,912 --> 00:13:06,289 Or midget. 104 00:13:06,373 --> 00:13:11,419 I don't know what he's called exactly. But, uh, he's a little guy. 105 00:13:12,337 --> 00:13:15,131 Little Billy Barty. God rest. 106 00:13:15,315 --> 00:13:20,236 But thin fingers. Not the fat sausage fingers. 107 00:13:23,506 --> 00:13:25,466 "Little people. " That's what they like. 108 00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:27,677 Yes. Uh, right. 109 00:13:28,636 --> 00:13:30,846 So "fuck stick. " That's it? 110 00:13:32,139 --> 00:13:33,607 Yeah. 111 00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:51,275 Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay! 112 00:13:52,758 --> 00:13:55,258 Merry Christmas! 113 00:14:04,027 --> 00:14:06,279 Have you seen that new Santa they just hired? 114 00:14:06,362 --> 00:14:08,698 Yeah. He's back there drunk. 115 00:14:12,869 --> 00:14:16,206 He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon. 116 00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:23,108 God damn it! 117 00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:26,092 What the fuck you doing? �Fuck stick� in front of the boss? 118 00:14:26,293 --> 00:14:27,693 I don�t like that guy. 119 00:14:27,894 --> 00:14:29,194 You don�t like any guy. 120 00:14:29,247 --> 00:14:31,541 You blow this, and we're broke for the whole fucking year. 121 00:14:31,624 --> 00:14:35,003 So stop acting like you know something. 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat! 122 00:14:35,786 --> 00:14:38,538 Now, put on your fucking hat and get out there. 123 00:14:38,821 --> 00:14:42,033 And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes. 124 00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,657 WILLIE: What do you want? What? 125 00:15:00,617 --> 00:15:03,286 Get out of here. Next. 126 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:11,200 Oh, good. What do you want? 127 00:15:13,061 --> 00:15:14,855 What do you want? What are you doing? 128 00:15:17,189 --> 00:15:20,442 - God damn it! - Nintendo Deer Hunter 3. 129 00:15:21,026 --> 00:15:23,069 I don't give a shit what you want. 130 00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:25,822 Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever. 131 00:15:25,905 --> 00:15:27,449 Next. Come on. 132 00:15:30,535 --> 00:15:31,828 What do you want? 133 00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:34,205 - Um, Santa? - Yeah, I'm Santa. 134 00:15:34,288 --> 00:15:36,457 - Come on. What do you want? - Um, Barbie. 135 00:15:36,541 --> 00:15:37,792 Say cheese. 136 00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:40,211 Okay. Fine. Barbie. Oh, thank you. 137 00:15:40,962 --> 00:15:44,173 Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. Next. 138 00:15:50,346 --> 00:15:53,432 - What do you want? - Fraggle-Stick car. 139 00:15:54,392 --> 00:15:57,311 - What the fuck is that? - Fraggle-Stick car. 140 00:15:57,436 --> 00:16:00,231 Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine. 141 00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:16,556 Hey, check out this loser. 142 00:16:17,057 --> 00:16:19,601 Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today? 143 00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,133 Hey, loser. What�s up fat-ass? 144 00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:28,208 Hey, dipshit. 145 00:16:28,292 --> 00:16:29,833 Moron. 146 00:16:30,417 --> 00:16:32,878 Hey, loser. How you doing today? 147 00:16:33,504 --> 00:16:36,090 Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around? 148 00:16:39,009 --> 00:16:41,136 You know what? Fuck this. 149 00:16:48,066 --> 00:16:49,827 WILLIE: Next. 150 00:16:53,451 --> 00:16:55,151 You're next. 151 00:16:55,553 --> 00:16:58,890 I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right? 152 00:16:58,973 --> 00:17:00,517 Move it along. 153 00:17:07,411 --> 00:17:09,955 What's your name? You can tell me. 154 00:17:11,748 --> 00:17:14,001 I know. How about Santa? 155 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,504 If you don't tell him, you won't get a present. 156 00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:21,425 That's right. Come on and tell Santa all about it. 157 00:17:25,762 --> 00:17:27,472 What do you want? 158 00:17:28,765 --> 00:17:31,810 Well, come on. What do you want? A snot-rag? 159 00:17:35,605 --> 00:17:37,607 Right. Another fucking Mongoloid. 160 00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:41,278 Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me. 161 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,314 - Don't fuck with my beard. - It's not real. 162 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:45,990 No shit. 163 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:49,536 Well, it was real. But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out. 164 00:17:49,619 --> 00:17:52,940 - so I have to wear this fucking thing. - How did you get sick? 165 00:17:53,023 --> 00:17:56,026 - I loved a woman who wasn't clean. - Mrs. Santa? 166 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,350 No. It was her sister. 167 00:17:57,351 --> 00:18:00,251 Now get the fuck out of my lap or tell me what you want. 168 00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,658 What's it like at the North Pole? 169 00:18:03,971 --> 00:18:06,349 - Like the suburbs. - Which one? 170 00:18:07,975 --> 00:18:10,811 Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care? 171 00:18:11,195 --> 00:18:15,031 Now, get off my lap. You sit there like a fucking retard. 172 00:18:15,915 --> 00:18:17,583 You are really Santa, right? 173 00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:19,043 No. I'm an accountant. 174 00:18:19,126 --> 00:18:22,713 I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right? 175 00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,314 Okay. 176 00:18:25,090 --> 00:18:27,801 Marcus, get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out. 177 00:18:40,132 --> 00:18:43,218 I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow. 178 00:18:43,510 --> 00:18:46,096 Just don't come into work stinking of booze again. 179 00:18:46,180 --> 00:18:47,639 Yeah. Why don't you get going? 180 00:18:47,723 --> 00:18:50,726 You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild. 181 00:18:50,809 --> 00:18:52,644 Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! 182 00:18:52,728 --> 00:18:55,439 Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you. 183 00:18:55,522 --> 00:18:56,982 You saying something to me? 184 00:18:57,066 --> 00:19:00,319 Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass. 185 00:19:03,269 --> 00:19:05,769 Why don�t you fuck-off, you little shit. 186 00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:07,670 Fuck you. 187 00:19:59,049 --> 00:20:00,517 What? 188 00:20:09,859 --> 00:20:12,612 - Another round Grand-Dad, Santa? - Yeah. 189 00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:22,663 Got a name? 190 00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,715 So, what do you do, you know... After the holidays, I mean. 191 00:20:32,882 --> 00:20:36,552 Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny. 192 00:20:40,598 --> 00:20:42,725 - Oh. Another? - Yeah. Why not? 193 00:20:46,938 --> 00:20:48,606 Merry Christmas. 194 00:20:52,401 --> 00:20:54,403 Not a big talker. 195 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,113 No, not really. 196 00:20:58,908 --> 00:21:01,077 - Buy you one? - Why not? 197 00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:07,800 Happy New Year. 198 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,239 You're pretty regular for a Santa. 199 00:21:13,323 --> 00:21:15,743 It's just a job, you know what I mean? 200 00:21:15,827 --> 00:21:19,455 I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus. 201 00:21:20,424 --> 00:21:21,759 Prove it. 202 00:21:23,612 --> 00:21:25,989 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 203 00:21:29,618 --> 00:21:32,245 - Can't I at least take this hat off? - No! 204 00:21:32,329 --> 00:21:35,082 - I love the hat. - Okay. 205 00:21:42,339 --> 00:21:45,801 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. 206 00:21:48,593 --> 00:21:50,261 In case you didn't notice. 207 00:21:50,945 --> 00:21:54,548 It's like some deep-seated childhood thing. 208 00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:57,150 So is my thing for tits. 209 00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:00,653 Yeah. It is like that, though. From when you're a kid. 210 00:22:00,737 --> 00:22:03,406 'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas. 211 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:07,869 So it was like this forbidden thing. 212 00:22:14,635 --> 00:22:16,094 I like you. 213 00:22:18,988 --> 00:22:21,407 Don't mothball that suit. 214 00:22:27,897 --> 00:22:30,983 - What the fuck? - I am not gay. 215 00:22:31,868 --> 00:22:35,663 - What the hell, buddy? - Buddy? I said I am not gay. 216 00:22:35,747 --> 00:22:38,750 Are you off your fucking meds or something? 217 00:22:39,042 --> 00:22:42,420 Yes. But that isn't what this is about. 218 00:22:43,212 --> 00:22:46,567 - You're as queer as a $10 bill. - Oh really? Let me tell you something. 219 00:22:46,650 --> 00:22:50,028 My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. 220 00:22:50,112 --> 00:22:53,407 So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. 221 00:22:53,490 --> 00:22:55,601 This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I... 222 00:22:55,684 --> 00:22:59,196 - Elf fucker! - Motherfucker! - Turn around, elf fucker. 223 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,284 Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh? 224 00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:09,087 - Leave Santa alone! - Little boy, don't interfere. 225 00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:12,457 - I am doing this for all of us. - Leave Santa alone! 226 00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:14,367 Good God. 227 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,380 Ass clown. 228 00:23:26,263 --> 00:23:27,973 Hey, you're that kid. 229 00:23:29,849 --> 00:23:31,643 What the fuck are you doing here? 230 00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:48,118 - This one fucking time I take you home, okay? - Uh-huh. 231 00:23:48,201 --> 00:23:49,995 - I�m not your fucking dada. - Uh-huh. 232 00:23:53,081 --> 00:23:56,018 It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything. You know? 233 00:23:56,030 --> 00:23:57,581 Why do you need a car? 234 00:23:57,582 --> 00:24:00,585 - What the fuck are you talking about? - This car. 235 00:24:00,711 --> 00:24:03,880 - Which turn is it? - Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh? 236 00:24:03,964 --> 00:24:05,966 It's in the shop, getting repaired. 237 00:24:06,049 --> 00:24:09,886 - Where are the reindeer? - I stabled them. Is it left or right? 238 00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:12,306 That way. Where's the stable? 239 00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:15,058 - Next to the shop. - How do they sleep? 240 00:24:15,142 --> 00:24:18,645 - Who? The reindeer? Standing up. - But the noise. How do they sleep? 241 00:24:18,729 --> 00:24:20,897 - What noise? - From the shop. 242 00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:24,026 They only work during the day, all right? 243 00:24:24,109 --> 00:24:26,320 I thought it was always night at the North Pole. 244 00:24:26,403 --> 00:24:28,155 Well, not now. Right now it's always day. 245 00:24:28,238 --> 00:24:31,325 - Then how do they sleep? - Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. 246 00:24:31,658 --> 00:24:35,162 What is it with you anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head? 247 00:24:35,245 --> 00:24:36,538 On my head? 248 00:24:36,622 --> 00:24:39,207 Well ya. Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head? 249 00:24:39,291 --> 00:24:43,503 - How can they drop me onto my own head? - No, not onto your...Would... 250 00:24:43,587 --> 00:24:46,256 God damn it! Are you fucking with me? 251 00:24:50,927 --> 00:24:53,847 - Okay. Which house is it? - That one. 252 00:24:54,431 --> 00:24:57,601 - With Jesus and his family there or what? - No. The one beside that. 253 00:24:57,684 --> 00:25:00,103 - Right here? - Yeah. That one. 254 00:25:09,279 --> 00:25:10,781 Nice digs. 255 00:25:12,658 --> 00:25:13,992 Is Daddy home? 256 00:25:14,076 --> 00:25:17,537 He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. He's been gone a long time. 257 00:25:17,621 --> 00:25:20,999 Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone? 258 00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,752 - Till next year. - Yeah? What about Mommy? 259 00:25:23,835 --> 00:25:26,964 She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost 260 00:25:27,047 --> 00:25:31,093 and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut. 261 00:25:31,385 --> 00:25:33,887 - Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then? - Grandma. 262 00:25:34,371 --> 00:25:36,706 Yeah? What's her name? 263 00:25:36,989 --> 00:25:38,282 Grandma. 264 00:25:39,116 --> 00:25:40,701 Is Granny spry? 265 00:25:50,469 --> 00:25:51,762 Grandma? 266 00:25:52,563 --> 00:25:53,863 Grandma? 267 00:25:54,889 --> 00:25:56,391 Santa's here. 268 00:25:58,203 --> 00:25:59,871 Are you spry? 269 00:26:01,772 --> 00:26:03,572 Oh, Roger. You're home. 270 00:26:07,113 --> 00:26:09,532 Let me fix you some sandwiches. 271 00:26:17,832 --> 00:26:21,127 Are you telling me she's the only one here? 272 00:26:21,211 --> 00:26:22,712 Nobody else? 273 00:26:22,795 --> 00:26:25,882 No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that? 274 00:26:25,965 --> 00:26:29,093 - A butler or security guard or something? - Nuh-unh. 275 00:26:30,470 --> 00:26:32,263 You're shitting me. 276 00:26:34,557 --> 00:26:36,476 Does your daddy have a safe? 277 00:26:42,607 --> 00:26:45,860 - Need money to fix your sleigh? - Exactly. 278 00:26:51,274 --> 00:26:53,777 - You want milk and cookies? - No. 279 00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:56,404 - Should I fix you some sandwiches? - Unh-unh. 280 00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:58,240 Does your daddy have a car? 281 00:27:03,286 --> 00:27:05,038 Bye, Santa! 282 00:27:22,842 --> 00:27:24,092 WILLIE: Oh, my! 283 00:27:24,099 --> 00:27:27,019 Ooh! 284 00:27:27,175 --> 00:27:29,092 - WOMAN: Keep going. - Jesus! 285 00:27:29,175 --> 00:27:30,467 Keep on going. 286 00:27:31,717 --> 00:27:33,833 Oh, God! 287 00:27:34,075 --> 00:27:35,433 Ooh! 288 00:27:37,075 --> 00:27:38,567 Oh, Jesus! 289 00:27:38,608 --> 00:27:39,992 Keep on going. 290 00:27:40,675 --> 00:27:41,983 Oh, God! 291 00:27:42,167 --> 00:27:43,833 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. 292 00:27:43,917 --> 00:27:46,458 You ain't gonna shit right for a week. 293 00:27:46,766 --> 00:27:50,770 A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall. 294 00:27:51,721 --> 00:27:53,806 And I heard these... 295 00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:58,052 Um, you know, these noises. 296 00:27:58,502 --> 00:28:02,589 And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah. " 297 00:28:03,290 --> 00:28:05,375 And I heard his voice saying, 298 00:28:05,376 --> 00:28:06,976 "That's right. 299 00:28:07,259 --> 00:28:11,020 You ain't going to S-H-I-T 300 00:28:11,063 --> 00:28:12,949 right for a month. " 301 00:28:14,176 --> 00:28:16,345 But don't get me wrong. 302 00:28:16,636 --> 00:28:20,432 I was against the Clinton impeachment. What a man does with his own penis... 303 00:28:20,515 --> 00:28:23,143 Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall... 304 00:28:23,226 --> 00:28:25,437 it's not for the American people to say. 305 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,647 - Yeah, right. - But when� 306 00:28:28,357 --> 00:28:30,776 you're dealing with children... 307 00:28:34,820 --> 00:28:37,239 They have a tender sensibility. 308 00:28:37,322 --> 00:28:40,909 And you are in a position of trust. I think perhaps� 309 00:28:41,535 --> 00:28:46,582 someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't... 310 00:28:47,700 --> 00:28:49,158 Yeah. 311 00:28:50,492 --> 00:28:52,200 Of course, I can't fire him for that. 312 00:28:52,501 --> 00:28:54,201 The sizes, they say� 313 00:28:55,202 --> 00:28:58,002 That�s not true, I�m no sizes 314 00:28:58,003 --> 00:29:00,203 But I can see the picket line now� 315 00:29:00,204 --> 00:29:02,604 Yeah. Big fucking farewell. 316 00:29:03,205 --> 00:29:06,305 They�d all say: If it had been a supermodel or a beautiful� 317 00:29:06,383 --> 00:29:08,633 Oh, yeah. Unfair practices. 318 00:29:08,675 --> 00:29:11,258 Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch. 319 00:29:11,342 --> 00:29:12,675 Fucking broads. 320 00:29:12,758 --> 00:29:14,008 But I just can't help it. 321 00:29:14,092 --> 00:29:17,550 There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy. 322 00:29:17,633 --> 00:29:18,674 Well, sure. 323 00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:21,383 Santa fucking someone in the ass. 324 00:29:23,550 --> 00:29:25,633 So... 325 00:29:25,717 --> 00:29:28,258 Maybe there's something I could fire him for. 326 00:29:29,450 --> 00:29:30,549 Yeah, I get you. 327 00:29:30,550 --> 00:29:32,217 Do you? 328 00:29:32,300 --> 00:29:34,175 Do you think you could find something? 329 00:29:34,217 --> 00:29:37,217 Shit, yeah. Always found them� 330 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:29,739 I dig that little thing on your belly button. 331 00:30:29,816 --> 00:30:31,078 What's that? Like a diamond? 332 00:30:31,150 --> 00:30:33,118 It's a belly-button ring. 333 00:30:33,186 --> 00:30:34,585 Oh, yeah? Hang on a second. 334 00:30:34,654 --> 00:30:36,315 Check this out. 335 00:30:36,389 --> 00:30:39,119 You got to thrust. See what I'm saying? 336 00:30:39,559 --> 00:30:42,790 You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby. 337 00:30:42,862 --> 00:30:44,193 Come on. 338 00:30:44,263 --> 00:30:46,527 See? Move the ball. There you go. 339 00:30:46,599 --> 00:30:48,829 Motherfucker! 340 00:30:48,901 --> 00:30:52,098 Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker. 341 00:30:55,508 --> 00:30:57,442 That's the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched. 342 00:30:57,510 --> 00:30:58,841 She said she was 18. 343 00:30:58,911 --> 00:31:00,310 But you promised no arcades. 344 00:31:00,379 --> 00:31:02,108 You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall. 345 00:31:02,709 --> 00:31:06,009 How many times you fucked: �The bigger the store, the bigger the take�. 346 00:31:06,010 --> 00:31:08,510 We can�t work the big store with your big fucking trainwreck. 347 00:31:08,511 --> 00:31:10,511 You got some nerve, you little fuck you. 348 00:31:10,581 --> 00:31:13,379 What, you shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now? 349 00:31:13,451 --> 00:31:15,112 I don't need any goddamn lectures out of you. 350 00:31:15,186 --> 00:31:17,654 I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you. 351 00:31:19,156 --> 00:31:21,886 What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile? 352 00:31:21,959 --> 00:31:24,223 Mind your own goddamn business. 353 00:31:25,024 --> 00:31:26,524 You cocksucker! 354 00:31:30,836 --> 00:31:33,770 Ever hear of the open bottle law? 355 00:31:33,771 --> 00:31:35,571 You dipshit motherfucker� 356 00:31:58,093 --> 00:31:59,561 Shit. 357 00:32:02,221 --> 00:32:03,688 Hey, Opal. 358 00:32:03,889 --> 00:32:07,476 - Come here. - Unh-unh. Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass. 359 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,845 Last time I didn't shit right for a week. 360 00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:13,924 No, it's not that. Just come here. I need to talk to you. 361 00:32:15,257 --> 00:32:17,635 I'm just tired of you, Willie. Ooh. 362 00:32:22,139 --> 00:32:25,559 Who the fuck is in my room? Did you see somebody go in my room? 363 00:32:25,642 --> 00:32:28,937 Yeah. Some guy asking about you. Looked like a cop. 364 00:32:29,804 --> 00:32:31,097 Oh, shit. 365 00:33:04,098 --> 00:33:07,268 Marcus, it's Willie. Listen, I just got back to the motel. ... 366 00:33:07,352 --> 00:33:09,729 And some guy is nosing around in my room. 367 00:33:09,812 --> 00:33:13,274 - What guy? You get a look at him? - No. But I think he's a cop, though. 368 00:33:13,358 --> 00:33:16,861 - Think somebody's onto us? - Is there anything in the room? Anything professional? 369 00:33:17,544 --> 00:33:18,963 No, I just got clothes in there. 370 00:33:19,046 --> 00:33:22,341 Just ditch, you idiot. You got anywhere to sack out for a while? 371 00:33:24,717 --> 00:33:26,177 - Santa! - Yeah. 372 00:33:26,261 --> 00:33:28,888 - You're bringing my present early? - No. 373 00:33:30,348 --> 00:33:32,267 But I never told you what I wanted. 374 00:33:32,350 --> 00:33:35,019 I said I didn't bring it, dipshit. 375 00:33:35,144 --> 00:33:39,148 Okay. Good. I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one. 376 00:33:39,899 --> 00:33:44,571 Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first. 377 00:33:44,654 --> 00:33:45,905 Okay. 378 00:33:46,322 --> 00:33:50,493 So I'm gonna be staying here for a while. Things are all fucked up at the North Pole. 379 00:33:50,577 --> 00:33:53,746 Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister. 380 00:33:53,830 --> 00:33:57,333 And I'm out on my ass now. She got half of everything. 381 00:33:57,584 --> 00:34:00,962 This is gonna be cool. This will do fine. 382 00:34:07,677 --> 00:34:09,387 So I'm gonna be crashing here. 383 00:34:09,470 --> 00:34:12,599 It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know? 384 00:34:12,765 --> 00:34:14,976 Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids? 385 00:34:15,059 --> 00:34:16,769 No. Thank the fuck Christ. 386 00:34:16,853 --> 00:34:18,730 What about the elves? 387 00:34:19,188 --> 00:34:21,691 Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. 388 00:34:22,275 --> 00:34:26,112 I get them on the weekends. Why don't you go run me a bath? 389 00:34:30,399 --> 00:34:31,901 What about the reindeer? 390 00:34:32,484 --> 00:34:35,362 Would you please shut up about reindeer? 391 00:34:38,488 --> 00:34:40,157 What are their names? 392 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,359 - Who? - The elves. 393 00:34:43,526 --> 00:34:46,403 Oh, shit. I can't remember. 394 00:34:46,487 --> 00:34:49,365 - I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey.... - That's the Seven Dwarfs. 395 00:34:49,448 --> 00:34:53,577 Oh, you're shitting me. I thought... I was thinking it was the... 396 00:34:54,370 --> 00:34:57,706 I don't know. Fuck, kid. I just call them, "bub. " 397 00:34:57,790 --> 00:35:02,128 I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck. I tell him to make the goddamn toy. 398 00:35:02,336 --> 00:35:05,714 What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit! 399 00:35:05,998 --> 00:35:09,460 Does everything with you have to be a fucking test? 400 00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:13,530 How old are they? 401 00:35:23,094 --> 00:35:26,055 - You want cookies? - No. 402 00:35:26,472 --> 00:35:28,349 - Warm milk? - No. 403 00:35:28,641 --> 00:35:32,270 - Should I fix you some sandwiches? - I don't want any fucking sandwiches. 404 00:35:32,353 --> 00:35:34,856 What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches? 405 00:35:36,139 --> 00:35:39,184 - Okay. Do you want anything else? - No. 406 00:35:52,485 --> 00:35:54,070 Fuck me? Fuck you. 407 00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:56,113 You can't just take up with some kid. 408 00:35:56,197 --> 00:35:58,407 You don't know who's around or what they do. 409 00:35:58,491 --> 00:36:00,701 You got some nerve, you little shit you. 410 00:36:00,785 --> 00:36:03,579 What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb? 411 00:36:03,663 --> 00:36:06,582 You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck. 412 00:36:07,375 --> 00:36:08,584 Shit. 413 00:36:10,127 --> 00:36:11,462 Fuck you. 414 00:36:20,388 --> 00:36:25,226 You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit... 415 00:36:25,309 --> 00:36:28,813 that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass. 416 00:36:29,522 --> 00:36:32,483 What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now? 417 00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:35,069 Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends. 418 00:36:35,152 --> 00:36:38,406 He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him. 419 00:36:38,489 --> 00:36:40,992 He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother. 420 00:36:41,075 --> 00:36:43,035 Sits in front of the TV all the time. 421 00:36:43,119 --> 00:36:44,745 You think she's gonna rat me out? 422 00:36:44,829 --> 00:36:47,498 She don't know her ass from last Tuesday. 423 00:36:48,332 --> 00:36:49,875 You fuck her? 424 00:36:51,460 --> 00:36:54,588 Jesus Christ. Is everything fucking sex with you? 425 00:36:54,672 --> 00:36:56,590 With me? I fuck one person. 426 00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:59,385 I ain't out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly 427 00:36:59,468 --> 00:37:03,764 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am. 428 00:37:03,848 --> 00:37:06,183 What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud? 429 00:37:06,267 --> 00:37:09,812 Yeah, that's right. Go ahead. Talk about my height. 430 00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:13,274 Make it about something safe 'cause you're an emotional fucking cripple. 431 00:37:13,357 --> 00:37:17,695 Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly. 432 00:37:24,285 --> 00:37:26,996 Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here. 433 00:37:36,547 --> 00:37:40,509 Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa. 434 00:37:40,593 --> 00:37:41,844 That's fucking great. 435 00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:44,930 Let's tell him what you want for Christmas. 436 00:37:49,685 --> 00:37:52,521 I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay? 437 00:37:54,106 --> 00:37:55,691 Are you insane? 438 00:37:55,941 --> 00:37:59,779 - Management's gonna hear about this. - You think that's a threat? 439 00:37:59,862 --> 00:38:02,907 If you think you can make my fucking life any worse, go right ahead. 440 00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:05,493 Be my fucking guest. Take a shot. 441 00:38:32,092 --> 00:38:35,117 - Can I help you, ma�am? - Just looking. 442 00:38:48,242 --> 00:38:50,442 Hello ma�am, can I help? 443 00:38:51,043 --> 00:38:52,943 Are these designer or knockoff? 444 00:38:53,044 --> 00:38:55,644 Well, they�re designer sunglasses but they�re at knockoff prices. 445 00:38:56,345 --> 00:38:57,645 They look great on you ma�am. Sale this week only. 446 00:38:58,146 --> 00:39:00,146 Cut the bullshit, I�m just looking. 447 00:39:09,066 --> 00:39:11,360 Find everything you're looking for? 448 00:39:11,443 --> 00:39:13,362 Um, yeah. Thank you. 449 00:39:13,737 --> 00:39:16,073 Nothing I can help you with, huh? 450 00:39:16,865 --> 00:39:20,869 No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox. 451 00:39:21,537 --> 00:39:23,747 Get your hands out of my pants, man! 452 00:39:23,831 --> 00:39:27,042 You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me. 453 00:39:27,126 --> 00:39:28,376 What is this? 454 00:39:28,377 --> 00:39:31,505 - I was gonna pay for it. - Wrong answer. 455 00:39:31,588 --> 00:39:33,716 When I look at you, you know what I think? 456 00:39:33,799 --> 00:39:36,176 I think America has a sad future ahead of it. 457 00:39:36,260 --> 00:39:39,054 And you're part of this sorry-ass generation. 458 00:39:39,138 --> 00:39:42,725 - What you want to be when you grow up? - I don't know. 459 00:39:45,942 --> 00:39:47,693 - This MP3? - Yeah. 460 00:39:47,777 --> 00:39:49,237 Take it off. 461 00:39:49,487 --> 00:39:52,990 - But my grandmother gave... - Take it off. 462 00:39:53,074 --> 00:39:56,202 I don't care who gave it to you. 463 00:39:56,285 --> 00:39:58,621 I don't care if it choke you to death. 464 00:39:58,704 --> 00:40:00,748 Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get! 465 00:40:00,832 --> 00:40:03,709 - But can I have... - Get! Happy Kwanzaa. 466 00:40:07,380 --> 00:40:09,465 And pull your damn pants up! 467 00:40:09,549 --> 00:40:12,218 What's wrong with you kids these days? 468 00:40:12,301 --> 00:40:14,345 - Gin? - Yeah. 469 00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:17,098 - Yeah, what do you need? - I need you to run a plate for me. 470 00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:20,184 - It's Arizona plates. - Hold on. Let me get a pen. 471 00:40:47,503 --> 00:40:48,963 Is that it? 472 00:40:59,765 --> 00:41:03,728 For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you? 473 00:41:10,744 --> 00:41:12,246 King me. 474 00:41:14,290 --> 00:41:16,333 Son of a bitch! 475 00:41:18,884 --> 00:41:23,929 You lousy, cheating little fucking shit! 476 00:41:26,143 --> 00:41:27,895 Want to play again? 477 00:41:27,981 --> 00:41:31,318 MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six-pound chicken. 478 00:41:31,319 --> 00:41:34,619 MAN ON TV: A six-pound mouth watering pork-loin roast. 479 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:39,020 MAN ON TV: A luscious looking six-pound leg of lamb with rosemary. 480 00:41:39,221 --> 00:41:42,221 MAN ON TV: Four half-pound juicy hamburgers. 481 00:41:42,285 --> 00:41:45,705 MAN ON TV: And a hot dog and sausages to feed a small army. 482 00:41:45,788 --> 00:41:49,167 MAN ON TV: Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens. 483 00:41:49,375 --> 00:41:51,294 MAN ON TV: A dozen tasty juicy lamb chops. 484 00:41:51,377 --> 00:41:52,879 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 485 00:41:52,962 --> 00:41:57,300 MAN ON TV: A 6 1/2-pound honey ham. 4 freshly caught whole trout. 486 00:41:57,301 --> 00:42:00,301 MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2-pound standing rib roast. 487 00:42:00,783 --> 00:42:05,296 MAN ON TV: And everybody�s favorite, baby back ribs. 488 00:42:10,826 --> 00:42:12,953 Such a nice place here you got. 489 00:42:12,963 --> 00:42:15,340 Needs a little bit of a woman's touch. 490 00:42:15,424 --> 00:42:18,135 I just rent the fucking place anyway. 491 00:42:21,221 --> 00:42:23,807 - Yeah. I just rent stuff, too. - Yeah? 492 00:42:24,099 --> 00:42:25,934 Let me get your drink. 493 00:42:31,481 --> 00:42:33,650 How long are you gonna be here? 494 00:42:33,734 --> 00:42:35,485 What? On the couch? 495 00:42:35,986 --> 00:42:38,739 No, in town. 496 00:42:40,041 --> 00:42:42,251 I don't know. Just through the holidays. 497 00:42:42,793 --> 00:42:45,504 You know, then I'll move on. 498 00:42:46,615 --> 00:42:48,659 So, do you like kids? 499 00:42:48,701 --> 00:42:50,036 Fuck, no! 500 00:42:50,536 --> 00:42:53,039 What, do you think I'm some kind of pervert? 501 00:42:53,122 --> 00:42:56,000 I just mean because you're Santa Claus. 502 00:42:57,610 --> 00:42:59,571 I like kids. I really like kids. 503 00:42:59,654 --> 00:43:01,573 - You do? - I love kids. 504 00:43:01,865 --> 00:43:03,491 Well, good. 505 00:43:05,035 --> 00:43:07,787 Yeah, they're something else, those kids. 506 00:43:08,806 --> 00:43:10,933 And to tell you the truth... 507 00:43:11,026 --> 00:43:14,530 The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa. 508 00:43:17,008 --> 00:43:19,094 Like ya anyway. 509 00:43:34,150 --> 00:43:38,238 - So, you'll call me, right? - Yeah. I'll call you. 510 00:43:39,172 --> 00:43:42,884 I'm gonna buy you some flowers. Some of those really good expensive ones. 511 00:43:42,968 --> 00:43:44,302 Shut up. 512 00:43:48,098 --> 00:43:49,349 Bye. 513 00:44:25,466 --> 00:44:28,886 Roger, you're home. Let me fix you some sandwiches. 514 00:44:32,014 --> 00:44:36,060 What the fuck? Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you? 515 00:44:41,815 --> 00:44:44,443 Jesus Christ! Let me see it! Let me see it! 516 00:44:44,526 --> 00:44:48,447 - What the hell happened to you?! - I cut my hand by mistake! Ow! 517 00:44:49,406 --> 00:44:51,700 - Of course it was by mistake. - Ow! 518 00:44:52,242 --> 00:44:53,661 Here, hold still. Hold still. 519 00:44:55,246 --> 00:44:57,456 I was just trying to help you! 520 00:44:57,748 --> 00:45:00,334 I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit. That�s all " 521 00:45:00,417 --> 00:45:03,087 Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something? 522 00:45:03,170 --> 00:45:04,755 God damn it. 523 00:45:17,956 --> 00:45:19,249 You're late. 524 00:45:26,089 --> 00:45:28,258 Kids. Let me tell you. 525 00:45:31,261 --> 00:45:33,096 They run you ragged. 526 00:45:44,849 --> 00:45:46,768 Morning, team. 527 00:45:48,686 --> 00:45:50,772 It's not quite 8:00 yet. 528 00:45:51,956 --> 00:45:53,666 Well, how close are we? 529 00:45:58,504 --> 00:46:00,965 Now it's 8:00. Merry Christmas. 530 00:46:01,049 --> 00:46:02,634 Up your ass. 531 00:46:09,599 --> 00:46:10,975 God damn it! 532 00:46:11,059 --> 00:46:12,477 You tear your ball again? 533 00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:14,354 I don't think so. 534 00:46:14,887 --> 00:46:16,264 That's it. 535 00:46:16,665 --> 00:46:18,165 Get the ladder and put it over here. 536 00:46:23,098 --> 00:46:24,805 Hold it for me. 537 00:46:36,332 --> 00:46:39,812 - You�re in? - Yeah, I�m in. I�m trying to find out where the hell I�m going. 538 00:47:01,013 --> 00:47:02,513 God damn it! 539 00:47:53,082 --> 00:47:57,211 Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now. Go on and get in there. I can take it. 540 00:47:59,171 --> 00:48:02,216 - Yeah. - Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate. 541 00:48:02,299 --> 00:48:06,136 All right. Now you're talking. Oh, hold on one minute. 542 00:48:06,428 --> 00:48:09,848 Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one. That's not the stuff. 543 00:48:10,015 --> 00:48:12,142 Use something with some claws to it. 544 00:48:12,226 --> 00:48:14,478 Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there. 545 00:48:14,561 --> 00:48:17,481 Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it. 546 00:48:19,525 --> 00:48:21,860 - Yeah, I'm back. - The guy's Roger Merman. 547 00:48:21,944 --> 00:48:24,113 - Guess where he is. - Give it to me. 548 00:48:24,989 --> 00:48:27,032 Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman? 549 00:48:31,058 --> 00:48:32,531 Number 8. 550 00:48:40,159 --> 00:48:42,912 - Who are you? - Your name Roger Merman? 551 00:48:42,995 --> 00:48:45,831 - Yes. But... - You doing three to six for embezzlement? 552 00:48:46,815 --> 00:48:51,027 Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried. 553 00:48:51,311 --> 00:48:53,688 Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace? 554 00:48:54,138 --> 00:48:57,391 Is it Grandma? Is my son all right? 555 00:48:57,725 --> 00:49:00,645 They're fine. Do you have any houseguests? 556 00:49:02,013 --> 00:49:03,514 Houseguests? 557 00:49:05,182 --> 00:49:08,019 Thank you for your time. God bless. 558 00:49:08,973 --> 00:49:10,475 Houseguests? 559 00:49:11,898 --> 00:49:13,942 Well, it's fucked. 560 00:49:14,025 --> 00:49:15,694 - Yeah? - Yeah. 561 00:49:18,029 --> 00:49:19,447 - Fucked, frankly. - He's... 562 00:49:19,531 --> 00:49:20,740 - Clean... - Oh. 563 00:49:21,074 --> 00:49:22,867 - As a fucking whistle. - Nothing? 564 00:49:22,951 --> 00:49:26,162 - No. Nothing. I mean shit. - Yeah. 565 00:49:26,329 --> 00:49:27,539 - He curses. - Yeah? 566 00:49:27,622 --> 00:49:29,332 - But never around children. - Oh. 567 00:49:29,416 --> 00:49:33,002 - No criminal record. No parking tickets for Christ�s sake. - Yeah. 568 00:49:33,086 --> 00:49:35,463 - Nothing. - No bad habits, either. 569 00:49:35,755 --> 00:49:38,758 Sex, yeah. But man is a sexual being. 570 00:49:39,300 --> 00:49:41,261 - Yeah. - Fuckin' Darwinian. 571 00:49:41,803 --> 00:49:43,763 - You can't do shit about that, Jack. - No. 572 00:49:43,847 --> 00:49:45,932 Hell, I wouldn't want to. 573 00:49:49,435 --> 00:49:52,980 No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy. 574 00:49:53,064 --> 00:49:55,775 Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race. 575 00:49:55,858 --> 00:49:58,528 - Yeah. - Fucks large women. 576 00:49:59,946 --> 00:50:01,614 What can I say? 577 00:50:22,500 --> 00:50:24,300 Yeah, just looking. 578 00:50:36,077 --> 00:50:38,329 Hey, look, it's the retard again. 579 00:50:50,999 --> 00:50:53,168 - Wedgie. - Yeah. 580 00:51:01,196 --> 00:51:03,573 - So what do you want? - Pok�mon! 581 00:51:03,657 --> 00:51:04,908 Done. 582 00:51:11,012 --> 00:51:14,140 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass. 583 00:51:15,809 --> 00:51:17,143 Santa... 584 00:51:18,895 --> 00:51:20,313 Oh, jeez. 585 00:51:23,817 --> 00:51:26,444 - Is that your underwear? - Part of it. 586 00:51:26,528 --> 00:51:28,280 Where the hell's the rest of it? 587 00:51:28,363 --> 00:51:31,032 No, actually, don't tell me. I don�t want to know. What do you want? 588 00:51:31,116 --> 00:51:34,703 I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. 589 00:51:34,786 --> 00:51:37,289 - But now I changed my mind. - Yeah, what? 590 00:51:37,372 --> 00:51:39,207 Now I don't want an elephant at all. 591 00:51:39,291 --> 00:51:42,002 I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up the skateboard kids. 592 00:51:42,086 --> 00:51:43,294 who pull on my underwear. 593 00:51:43,295 --> 00:51:45,756 He could take his orders from the talking walnut, 594 00:51:45,839 --> 00:51:48,258 so it wouldn't be my bad thing. 595 00:51:52,871 --> 00:51:56,250 Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla, 596 00:51:56,333 --> 00:51:58,210 and I wasn't as big as one of your legs. 597 00:51:58,293 --> 00:52:01,839 Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy. You know what he did? 598 00:52:01,922 --> 00:52:05,676 - He made it all better? - No, he kicked my ass. You know why? 599 00:52:05,759 --> 00:52:08,429 'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes? 600 00:52:08,712 --> 00:52:11,381 What the fuck? No. 601 00:52:11,832 --> 00:52:14,501 He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man? 602 00:52:15,284 --> 00:52:18,913 No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. 603 00:52:19,196 --> 00:52:23,284 When he wasn't busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. 604 00:52:23,367 --> 00:52:26,829 The world ain't fair. You gotta take what you need when you can get it. 605 00:52:26,912 --> 00:52:28,873 You gotta learn to stand up for yourself. 606 00:52:28,956 --> 00:52:33,636 You�re gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something. 607 00:52:35,345 --> 00:52:38,473 Or don't. Shit, I don't care. Just leave me out of it. 608 00:52:38,556 --> 00:52:41,768 - Now, get on out of here. - Okay. Thanks, Santa. 609 00:52:56,616 --> 00:52:59,535 Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay? 610 00:53:02,936 --> 00:53:04,936 Put the cigarettes away, you asshole. This ain�t no fucking bar. 611 00:53:08,753 --> 00:53:10,421 All right, next. 612 00:53:17,549 --> 00:53:19,985 Open the ropes there, Marcus. 613 00:53:20,602 --> 00:53:22,362 - I know you? - Not yet. 614 00:53:27,352 --> 00:53:29,286 Santa don�t do grab ass, cowboy. 615 00:53:29,287 --> 00:53:30,787 You are Willie �Tugboat� Soak. 616 00:53:31,065 --> 00:53:33,065 And you�re Marcus �The Prince� Skidmore. 617 00:53:33,466 --> 00:53:36,466 And on Christmas Eve, you�re going to rob this store blind. 618 00:53:37,567 --> 00:53:39,567 What�d say we go somewhere private. 619 00:53:41,665 --> 00:53:44,876 Seven cities in seven years. Pretty impressive. 620 00:53:45,794 --> 00:53:49,965 The store changes, your name changes. But you always get away clean. 621 00:53:50,423 --> 00:53:53,468 Yeah. Pretty darn impressive. 622 00:53:54,177 --> 00:53:57,847 Well, let's face the facts. Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers. 623 00:53:57,931 --> 00:54:01,101 You, because of your physical attributes, you found a niche, 624 00:54:01,184 --> 00:54:04,270 and I respect that. But you also been caught... 625 00:54:05,730 --> 00:54:06,982 ... by me. 626 00:54:07,524 --> 00:54:09,859 So this is how it's gonna be. 627 00:54:09,943 --> 00:54:14,030 I don't want to take over. I don't even want to change your scam. 628 00:54:14,114 --> 00:54:17,867 Whatever you guys do, it works. All I want is a taste. 629 00:54:18,201 --> 00:54:20,870 When the deed is done, we part ways. 630 00:54:20,954 --> 00:54:22,872 I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu, 631 00:54:22,956 --> 00:54:26,751 and you all take your little medicine show back on the road. 632 00:54:28,586 --> 00:54:29,838 - How much? - Half. 633 00:54:29,921 --> 00:54:33,174 - No way! You don't know who you're fucking with. - Back off, Will. 634 00:54:33,258 --> 00:54:34,718 I got this. I got this! 635 00:54:37,137 --> 00:54:41,850 Okay. 30%. There's three of us. 30%. That's fair. 636 00:54:42,267 --> 00:54:43,560 Half. 637 00:54:44,368 --> 00:54:46,370 - I meant 33%... - I meant half. 638 00:54:46,454 --> 00:54:48,331 - ... and 1/3. - Half. 639 00:54:50,166 --> 00:54:51,634 35%. 640 00:54:52,710 --> 00:54:53,920 Half. 641 00:54:54,295 --> 00:54:55,763 40%. 642 00:54:56,255 --> 00:54:57,548 Half. 643 00:55:00,500 --> 00:55:01,968 42%. 644 00:55:10,344 --> 00:55:11,553 45%. 645 00:55:17,517 --> 00:55:18,727 Half. 646 00:55:21,828 --> 00:55:23,296 48%? 647 00:55:24,164 --> 00:55:25,374 Half. 648 00:55:26,708 --> 00:55:28,502 - 49%. - Half. 649 00:55:31,046 --> 00:55:34,508 - Well, what's one point? - We split the dough right down the middle. 650 00:55:34,591 --> 00:55:37,469 Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick. 651 00:55:37,553 --> 00:55:39,805 No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the... 652 00:55:40,388 --> 00:55:43,099 This ain't no Chinese menu, you jagoff. 653 00:55:43,183 --> 00:55:45,602 I tell you how it's gonna be. 654 00:55:45,927 --> 00:55:47,720 This is pricks fix. 655 00:55:50,634 --> 00:55:53,304 - Pricks fix? - He's a fucking moron. 656 00:55:53,888 --> 00:55:56,724 Oh, really? Is that how you got the upper hand? 657 00:55:56,807 --> 00:55:58,517 - Fuck you. - Negotiating? 658 00:55:58,601 --> 00:56:03,513 If you don't like, next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey. 659 00:56:03,796 --> 00:56:06,257 - I can get another midget, too. - Yeah, where? 660 00:56:06,340 --> 00:56:09,510 You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples? 661 00:56:09,594 --> 00:56:13,139 Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. You know why, Willie? 662 00:56:13,222 --> 00:56:16,309 Because you got no discipline. You got zero fuckin' initiative. 663 00:56:16,392 --> 00:56:19,562 You'd fall apart without me. You're too pathetic for words. 664 00:56:19,645 --> 00:56:22,899 You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it. 665 00:56:44,262 --> 00:56:47,474 Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon. 666 00:57:04,466 --> 00:57:05,842 Oh, no. 667 00:58:04,705 --> 00:58:06,791 Sweet Jews for Jesus. 668 00:58:07,625 --> 00:58:08,918 I pissed myself. 669 00:58:09,001 --> 00:58:12,672 What the fuck do you think you doing? You son of a bitch! 670 00:58:12,755 --> 00:58:15,258 Hey, hey, hey. Hey, come on, come on. 671 00:58:18,626 --> 00:58:21,421 Look here. Get him out of here. I'll smooth things over with Chipeska. 672 00:58:21,504 --> 00:58:23,256 Tell him food poisoning or something. 673 00:58:23,339 --> 00:58:26,301 - What do you mean �Get him out of here"? - Take him to the car. 674 00:58:27,684 --> 00:58:30,562 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf. 675 00:58:30,645 --> 00:58:34,399 So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm? 676 00:58:34,483 --> 00:58:36,651 That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. 677 00:58:36,735 --> 00:58:39,988 Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You all the same. 678 00:58:40,072 --> 00:58:43,283 Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole! 679 00:58:43,366 --> 00:58:47,370 It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh? 680 00:58:47,454 --> 00:58:49,206 Bitch, bitch, bitch. 681 00:58:49,489 --> 00:58:53,368 Sketch it up, you fuckin� moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci. 682 00:58:56,411 --> 00:58:57,954 What you call me, thigh high? 683 00:58:58,038 --> 00:59:02,209 I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead! 684 00:59:03,592 --> 00:59:05,594 I could stick you up my ass, small fry. 685 00:59:05,677 --> 00:59:08,305 Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night? 686 00:59:08,589 --> 00:59:10,424 You got some lip on you, midget. 687 00:59:11,007 --> 00:59:13,843 Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. 688 00:59:13,927 --> 00:59:17,597 Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole. 689 00:59:22,393 --> 00:59:24,771 - I pissed my pants. - Oh, shut up. 690 00:59:24,854 --> 00:59:28,024 691 00:59:50,422 --> 00:59:51,756 Santa. 692 01:00:03,257 --> 01:00:04,757 Santa? 693 01:00:06,236 --> 01:00:07,487 What? 694 01:00:09,922 --> 01:00:11,715 What are you doing? 695 01:00:13,108 --> 01:00:14,485 Nothing. 696 01:00:15,619 --> 01:00:17,705 You going to work today? 697 01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:22,501 Not really. 698 01:00:23,519 --> 01:00:25,646 You just gonna sit there? 699 01:00:27,940 --> 01:00:30,734 Yeah. Just let me alone, okay? 700 01:00:35,281 --> 01:00:37,867 - Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid? - Yeah? 701 01:00:42,288 --> 01:00:44,415 I want you to take this letter. 702 01:00:44,498 --> 01:00:47,710 When the paramedics come to bag Santa up, 703 01:00:48,669 --> 01:00:50,963 there's gonna be some cops there. 704 01:00:51,046 --> 01:00:54,133 I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope. 705 01:00:54,216 --> 01:00:55,676 What is it? 706 01:00:56,051 --> 01:00:59,054 It just tells all the bad things that... 707 01:01:01,557 --> 01:01:04,185 What the fuck happened to your eye? 708 01:01:05,019 --> 01:01:06,937 Fucking little prick! 709 01:01:09,831 --> 01:01:13,001 So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh? 710 01:01:18,753 --> 01:01:20,755 How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?! 711 01:01:20,839 --> 01:01:24,426 Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on! Yeah, there you go. 712 01:01:43,445 --> 01:01:46,281 You know, I think I've turned a corner. 713 01:01:46,907 --> 01:01:49,576 Yeah? You fucking petites now? 714 01:01:50,035 --> 01:01:52,454 No. I'm not talking about that. 715 01:01:54,664 --> 01:01:57,542 I beat the shit out of some kids today. 716 01:01:58,376 --> 01:02:00,420 But it was for a purpose. 717 01:02:02,881 --> 01:02:05,467 It made me feel good about myself. 718 01:02:07,093 --> 01:02:11,598 It was like I did something constructive with my life, or something� I don't know. 719 01:02:11,681 --> 01:02:14,059 Like I accomplished something. 720 01:02:17,437 --> 01:02:19,856 You need many years of therapy. 721 01:02:20,273 --> 01:02:23,735 Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy. 722 01:02:23,736 --> 01:02:25,536 And I bullshit you not. 723 01:02:37,500 --> 01:02:40,492 Shut up. That's not even what you said. 724 01:02:40,533 --> 01:02:43,367 Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that. 725 01:02:45,308 --> 01:02:48,033 We got a fucking nursing home around here. 726 01:02:48,117 --> 01:02:50,242 Well, we can go in another room. 727 01:02:56,542 --> 01:02:59,000 She does look kind of still, doesn't she? 728 01:03:01,017 --> 01:03:02,558 Hey, Granny? 729 01:03:04,775 --> 01:03:06,567 Hey, Granny. 730 01:03:14,417 --> 01:03:16,467 Hey, there, Granny? 731 01:03:16,650 --> 01:03:18,358 Oh, Granny. 732 01:03:20,008 --> 01:03:21,049 Oh, my God. 733 01:03:21,050 --> 01:03:22,592 What the fuck? 734 01:03:25,092 --> 01:03:26,300 Oh, shit. 735 01:03:29,883 --> 01:03:31,092 - Roger! - God! 736 01:03:31,175 --> 01:03:33,758 - God damn it! Shit! - You're home. 737 01:03:33,842 --> 01:03:37,425 - Please just tap me. - Let me fix some sandwiches. 738 01:04:14,562 --> 01:04:17,398 - Hello, little boy. - Hello. Santa... 739 01:04:17,815 --> 01:04:20,109 I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days, 740 01:04:20,192 --> 01:04:23,571 and you have to fly around the world and give presents to everyone, 741 01:04:23,654 --> 01:04:26,240 and you won't be around anymore. 742 01:04:26,324 --> 01:04:29,827 - Yeah? - So I thought I'd give you your present now. 743 01:04:36,459 --> 01:04:39,503 - What the fuck is it? - It's a wooden pickle. 744 01:04:40,455 --> 01:04:41,915 Why'd you paint it brown? 745 01:04:41,998 --> 01:04:46,419 It's not paint. It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you. 746 01:04:50,540 --> 01:04:53,084 Well, shit, kid, I don't know. I... 747 01:04:55,586 --> 01:04:56,879 Thanks. 748 01:04:57,588 --> 01:04:59,215 You're welcome. 749 01:04:59,674 --> 01:05:01,467 Good night, Santa. 750 01:05:02,419 --> 01:05:05,172 Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister. 751 01:05:05,839 --> 01:05:07,758 Good night, sweetie. 752 01:05:10,135 --> 01:05:11,595 Oh, my God. 753 01:05:12,304 --> 01:05:16,308 That was so sweet. He's a really sweet kid, isn't he? 754 01:05:16,683 --> 01:05:18,477 Yeah, I guess so. 755 01:05:21,730 --> 01:05:23,398 Come on, baby. 756 01:05:24,232 --> 01:05:25,650 Come here. 757 01:05:27,569 --> 01:05:28,820 What? 758 01:05:29,529 --> 01:05:31,698 Oh, nothing. I'm all right. 759 01:05:35,035 --> 01:05:37,120 Just a little tired. 760 01:05:50,215 --> 01:05:51,466 Santa! 761 01:05:51,633 --> 01:05:53,677 God damn it! Whoa! Shit! 762 01:05:53,802 --> 01:05:55,929 Want to see my report card? 763 01:05:56,179 --> 01:05:59,600 - You scared the holy shit out of me. - Think I did good? 764 01:05:59,783 --> 01:06:03,453 How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet. 765 01:06:08,565 --> 01:06:10,275 Who the fuck is Thurman? 766 01:06:10,359 --> 01:06:12,653 - Is your name Thurman? - Yeah. 767 01:06:13,070 --> 01:06:14,822 768 01:06:15,155 --> 01:06:17,157 - Thurman Merman? - Yeah. 769 01:06:19,843 --> 01:06:21,136 Jesus. 770 01:06:21,545 --> 01:06:23,672 So, you think I did good? 771 01:06:25,966 --> 01:06:28,802 What do you care what I think, huh? 772 01:06:30,703 --> 01:06:34,498 Hell, I guess you did better than I did. I never got any B's. 773 01:06:35,074 --> 01:06:37,785 I thought maybe at least since I did good in school, 774 01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:39,537 maybe you'd bring me a present. 775 01:06:39,620 --> 01:06:44,458 'Cause last year and the year before that, you didn't bring me any presents. 776 01:06:46,710 --> 01:06:49,129 Even though I'm a dipshit loser. 777 01:06:53,425 --> 01:06:57,805 Jesus fucking Christ, kid! Why do you talk about yourself that way?! 778 01:06:58,572 --> 01:07:01,867 Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right? 779 01:07:02,151 --> 01:07:04,528 Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus? 780 01:07:04,611 --> 01:07:09,533 As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof that there's not a Santa Claus. 781 01:07:10,159 --> 01:07:12,327 I know there's no Santa. 782 01:07:12,578 --> 01:07:17,249 I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 'cause we're friends. 783 01:07:55,470 --> 01:07:57,514 - Good night, Gin. - Good night. 784 01:08:31,579 --> 01:08:35,083 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. What is the problem now? 785 01:08:35,166 --> 01:08:39,379 I'm sorry. The van stalled. Will you give us a jump, please? 786 01:08:39,930 --> 01:08:44,267 I'll be dipped in dog shit. Do I look like an auto mechanic to you? 787 01:08:51,441 --> 01:08:53,151 I appreciate it. 788 01:08:55,904 --> 01:08:58,573 All right, small fry, help yourself. 789 01:09:03,036 --> 01:09:05,789 - I can't reach it. - Jesus Christ, give me that. 790 01:09:05,872 --> 01:09:07,207 Thanks. 791 01:09:09,459 --> 01:09:11,211 All right, hit it. 792 01:09:45,066 --> 01:09:48,152 Oh, my. What a terrible accident. 793 01:09:49,279 --> 01:09:50,655 - Is he dead? - No. 794 01:09:50,738 --> 01:09:53,199 But it looks like you broke most of his ribs. 795 01:09:53,283 --> 01:09:57,245 I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%? 796 01:09:58,204 --> 01:10:02,584 I needed more of a running start. I couldn't build up enough speed. 797 01:10:13,076 --> 01:10:14,076 Is he dead? 798 01:10:14,077 --> 01:10:15,577 Shit. 799 01:10:32,709 --> 01:10:33,950 Put it on reverse, Lois. 800 01:10:54,376 --> 01:10:56,739 What are you drinking, Styrinol now? 801 01:10:56,740 --> 01:11:00,740 �caused you sounded like my aunt Tilly right before she smeared her own shit on her bedroom walls. 802 01:11:00,741 --> 01:11:03,041 You better be in shape by this evening, asshole. 803 01:11:03,242 --> 01:11:05,242 After tonight I don�t give a shit. 804 01:11:05,343 --> 01:11:08,643 But this is the time we reach deep down and suck it up. 805 01:11:12,434 --> 01:11:13,696 Lovely child. 806 01:11:13,806 --> 01:11:15,965 Good night and have a very Merry Christmas. 807 01:11:15,966 --> 01:11:17,426 - Merry Christmas. - Good night. 808 01:11:18,043 --> 01:11:19,795 Merry Christmas. 809 01:11:20,287 --> 01:11:22,456 - Good night. - Okay! Happy holiday! 810 01:11:22,539 --> 01:11:25,726 CHIPESKA: Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes. 811 01:11:26,009 --> 01:11:30,681 We wish you all a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa. 812 01:11:47,063 --> 01:11:49,232 All right, hold it steady. 813 01:11:53,820 --> 01:11:55,947 Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it. 814 01:11:57,282 --> 01:11:58,575 Oh, Christ. 815 01:12:04,055 --> 01:12:05,765 Merry Christmas. 816 01:12:07,142 --> 01:12:08,602 Good night. 817 01:12:10,020 --> 01:12:12,898 - Merry Christmas, Willie. - Up your ass. 818 01:12:24,651 --> 01:12:25,854 819 01:12:53,345 --> 01:12:54,688 820 01:13:14,799 --> 01:13:16,092 Oh, shit. 821 01:13:17,510 --> 01:13:18,761 What? 822 01:13:22,862 --> 01:13:24,162 What? 823 01:13:24,308 --> 01:13:26,769 - It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt. - So? 824 01:13:26,853 --> 01:13:29,230 - Remember Andy Pitz? - Andy Pitzorella? Yeah. 825 01:13:29,706 --> 01:13:34,586 When I was in the joint with him, he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked. 826 01:13:34,836 --> 01:13:36,754 Are you shittin' me? 827 01:13:37,088 --> 01:13:39,632 Are you telling me that after I propped you up, 828 01:13:39,716 --> 01:13:42,886 held you together, smiled for all those kids, 829 01:13:42,969 --> 01:13:45,388 danced for all those fucking housewives 830 01:13:45,471 --> 01:13:48,141 in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume, 831 01:13:48,224 --> 01:13:50,518 that you cannot get in this fucking safe?! 832 01:13:50,602 --> 01:13:53,021 Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?! 833 01:14:39,257 --> 01:14:40,725 Fuck. 834 01:14:41,085 --> 01:14:42,377 Shit. 835 01:15:08,478 --> 01:15:09,938 Terza. 836 01:15:59,816 --> 01:16:01,067 34C. 837 01:16:35,100 --> 01:16:36,768 Piece of cake. 838 01:16:38,445 --> 01:16:41,656 I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back. 839 01:17:07,521 --> 01:17:09,856 Oh, shit. Which one did he say? 840 01:17:30,275 --> 01:17:32,903 I'll bet the store dick don't want this. 841 01:17:32,986 --> 01:17:35,322 Store dick don't want shit. 842 01:17:36,650 --> 01:17:38,443 What do you mean? 843 01:17:39,335 --> 01:17:41,128 Store dick's dead. 844 01:17:41,279 --> 01:17:43,531 Store dick don't want shit. 845 01:17:46,032 --> 01:17:48,432 Fuck the fuckin� store dick. 846 01:17:50,049 --> 01:17:51,467 He's dead, huh? 847 01:17:54,345 --> 01:17:56,514 I didn't even know he was sick. 848 01:17:56,597 --> 01:18:00,268 Willie, this has been a long time coming. 849 01:18:00,726 --> 01:18:04,647 Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable. 850 01:18:04,939 --> 01:18:08,609 More booze. More bullshit. More buttfucking. 851 01:18:09,318 --> 01:18:11,112 Sure, the three B's. 852 01:18:12,280 --> 01:18:14,907 You gotta be able to rely, Willie. 853 01:18:16,868 --> 01:18:18,995 You people are monsters. 854 01:18:19,579 --> 01:18:21,956 There's no joy in this for me. 855 01:18:25,418 --> 01:18:29,255 I'm not talking about you taking me out. That part, I get. 856 01:18:33,343 --> 01:18:35,512 But look at all that shit. 857 01:18:37,389 --> 01:18:39,975 Do you really need all that shit? 858 01:18:41,977 --> 01:18:43,937 For Christ sakes, it's Christmas. 859 01:18:50,632 --> 01:18:52,568 Come on, let�s go. 860 01:18:53,774 --> 01:18:55,526 Goodbye, Willie. 861 01:18:57,861 --> 01:18:59,279 Drop the gun. 862 01:19:00,633 --> 01:19:03,635 - Where did you come from? - Shit, that fucking kid. 863 01:19:03,658 --> 01:19:05,326 Marcus, hop on! 864 01:19:22,439 --> 01:19:23,773 Fuck me. 865 01:20:33,891 --> 01:20:37,853 Halt, police! Put your hands up! I said freeze! 866 01:20:38,687 --> 01:20:39,980 Freeze! 867 01:20:53,981 --> 01:20:56,951 Somebody stick a cord on those fuckin� kids. 868 01:21:42,050 --> 01:21:43,510 "Dear kid... 869 01:21:44,010 --> 01:21:48,014 I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, 870 01:21:48,098 --> 01:21:50,725 although there was blood on the present you gave me, 871 01:21:50,809 --> 01:21:52,561 which didn't keep me from enjoying it. 872 01:21:52,644 --> 01:21:56,106 So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. " 873 01:21:58,891 --> 01:22:01,019 "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence, 874 01:22:01,083 --> 01:22:03,317 I'm also sending you a T-shirt. 875 01:22:03,400 --> 01:22:05,858 I hope it's the right size. " 876 01:22:06,525 --> 01:22:07,900 "I'm healing up good, 877 01:22:07,983 --> 01:22:10,733 and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, 878 01:22:10,817 --> 01:22:12,692 even with 8 bullets dug out of me, 879 01:22:12,733 --> 01:22:14,817 because they didn't hit any vital organs, 880 01:22:14,900 --> 01:22:17,567 just my liver, which is fucked anyway. 881 01:22:17,608 --> 01:22:19,275 Ha ha ha. 882 01:22:19,625 --> 01:22:22,867 Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you, 883 01:22:22,950 --> 01:22:25,117 so they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister 884 01:22:25,200 --> 01:22:26,700 watching you till your dad gets back 885 01:22:26,825 --> 01:22:28,242 in one year and three months. 886 01:22:29,025 --> 01:22:31,942 They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit. 887 01:22:32,025 --> 01:22:34,433 Anyway, she makes better money than bartending 888 01:22:34,834 --> 01:22:37,325 she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi. 889 01:22:38,717 --> 01:22:41,133 As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you 890 01:22:41,217 --> 01:22:43,383 that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife 891 01:22:43,967 --> 01:22:46,217 are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. 892 01:22:46,300 --> 01:22:49,883 I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did. 893 01:22:51,437 --> 01:22:53,564 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. 894 01:22:53,648 --> 01:22:56,693 I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, 895 01:22:56,776 --> 01:22:59,237 or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass. 896 01:22:59,320 --> 01:23:02,532 Now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. 897 01:23:02,615 --> 01:23:04,075 That, plus everyone agreeing... 898 01:23:04,158 --> 01:23:07,161 that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa... 899 01:23:07,245 --> 01:23:09,789 was even more fucked up than Rodney King. " 900 01:23:09,872 --> 01:23:12,542 "The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, 901 01:23:12,625 --> 01:23:13,960 which is new in my experience. 902 01:23:14,043 --> 01:23:16,296 They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor, 903 01:23:16,379 --> 01:23:17,714 so that tragedies like this... 904 01:23:17,797 --> 01:23:20,508 will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. 905 01:23:20,686 --> 01:23:21,886 Whatever. 906 01:23:21,887 --> 01:23:24,386 907 01:23:24,387 --> 01:23:26,187 So I�ll be staying in Phoenix now, 908 01:23:26,188 --> 01:23:29,900 telling the police how screwed up they are which is not a bad job as jobs go. 909 01:23:30,367 --> 01:23:33,317 They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, 910 01:23:33,400 --> 01:23:36,383 So I�ll see you when I come over to fuck Mrs Santa�s sister in the Jacuzzi. 911 01:23:36,567 --> 01:23:39,650 Until then, don�t take no shit from nobody, 912 01:23:39,733 --> 01:23:41,317 least of all yourself. 913 01:23:41,700 --> 01:23:43,783 Anyway, see you soon. 914 01:23:45,325 --> 01:23:47,217 Santa.� 915 01:24:18,748 --> 01:24:23,461 71259

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