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1
00:00:01,175 --> 00:00:03,509
(thunder crashes)
2
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(clears throat)
3
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(both shivering)
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00:00:32,543 --> 00:00:35,469
MALORY: Woodhouse?
WOODHOUSE: Mum.
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00:00:35,589 --> 00:00:38,874
MALORY: If I see this glass
empty again, I will be very
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00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:41,159
unhappy.
WOODHOUSE: Perish the
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thought, mum.
MALORY: Now, then.
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Who'd like to go first?
(Cyril coughs)
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No?
All right, then I will.
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Idiots!
(both yelling)
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00:00:58,512 --> 00:01:00,779
Thank you, dear.
For a moment there, I thought
12
00:01:00,781 --> 00:01:05,784
I was going to be unhappy.
Now, then.
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Who's next?
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:51,418
ARCHER: Okay, so, uh...
I guess I'll go if...
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00:01:51,538 --> 00:01:53,941
MALORY: If I can just stop
you there.
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Will you please cover yourself?!
CHERLENE: With what?
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I don't have any...
(spraying)
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There. Happy?
MALORY: No!
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I didn't mean with whipped
cream!
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PAM: It's actually whipped
cocaine, so...
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00:02:06,489 --> 00:02:08,489
(Malory groans)
MALORY: That explains where
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00:02:08,491 --> 00:02:10,991
some of it went.
CHERLENE: Mmm, and the tingly
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00:02:10,993 --> 00:02:13,494
numbness of my nipples.
MALORY: And why are you
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00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:16,097
dressed like the whore the rest
of the trailer park finally
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00:02:16,099 --> 00:02:18,266
decided they had to stone to
death?
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CHERLENE: Duh, we were
shooting my album cover.
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00:02:21,003 --> 00:02:24,672
KRIEGER: Yes!
Good, yes, that is perfect!
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PAM: Perfect for what?
Come on, it's an album cover,
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not a... Amish Bible!
PAM: You got to sex that shit
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00:02:32,348 --> 00:02:34,365
up sexy.
KRIEGER: Um...
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00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,400
CHERLENE: I think it's pretty
sexy.
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00:02:36,402 --> 00:02:39,203
PAM: You think that's sexy?
With the rocket pops...
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outside of you.
CHERLENE: I mean...
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KRIEGER: But if she eats
them, we lose the whole red,
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white and... okay...
PAM: Yeah, not talking about
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00:02:47,196 --> 00:02:49,463
eating them.
CHERLENE: Wait, what are
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00:02:49,465 --> 00:02:53,167
you... You want me to put a
rocket pop in my vagina?!
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00:02:53,169 --> 00:02:56,671
PAM: Well, for starters.
But let's not rule anything out.
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You know? Let's kind of see
where that leads.
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We've got a shitload of film.
KRIEGER: I'm supposed to have
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00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:03,261
film in this?
CHERLENE: Goddamn it!
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PAM: Krieger!
LANA: So, I have a question.
44
00:03:05,715 --> 00:03:07,715
PAM: The butthole, Lana, is
what I was...
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00:03:07,717 --> 00:03:10,067
LANA: Yeah, I got that.
But do you think the cover for a
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00:03:10,069 --> 00:03:13,053
country album should be
hardcore...?
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What do you even call that?
Food porn?
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00:03:15,692 --> 00:03:18,359
PAM: I do.
LANA: You think it makes a
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00:03:18,361 --> 00:03:21,078
good country album cover
or you call it food porn?
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PAM: Yes.
LANA: Are you...?
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(Cherlene squealing)
CHERLENE: These things are
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00:03:25,084 --> 00:03:27,084
freezing!
KRIEGER: Film, film, film,
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film, film!
LANA: Quit putting rocket
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pops in your ass!
CHERLENE: I'm eating them.
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Jesus, what is wrong with you?
LANA: I guess I just don't
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get art.
PAM: You obviously don't.
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And it's not that we don't
appreciate criticism.
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It just needs to be
constructive.
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00:03:42,552 --> 00:03:44,552
ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
MALORY: Shut up.
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00:03:44,554 --> 00:03:46,721
And then tell me what happened
to the hundred pounds of...
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BOTH: Kilos.
MALORY: Kilos, thank you,
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shut up.
Of cocaine that you took to
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Colombia.
LANA: Which...
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00:03:52,779 --> 00:03:55,095
MALORY: Lana, when I want you
to talk, I will tell you, and
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00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:57,448
until then, zip it!
LANA: Wha...? What did I do?
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00:03:57,450 --> 00:03:59,450
MALORY: Nothing!
ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
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00:03:59,452 --> 00:04:01,736
MALORY: Which is why these
feckless idiots lost 200 kilos
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00:04:01,738 --> 00:04:05,706
of cocaine!
ARCHER: Yeah, La... Oh.
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00:04:05,708 --> 00:04:09,160
Uh, okay, technically, but then
we stole a plane loaded with,
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like, twice as much cocaine!
MALORY: Is this the part
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00:04:13,299 --> 00:04:16,116
where you tell me to look under
my seat?
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00:04:16,118 --> 00:04:18,786
ARCHER: No, unfortunately we
ran into some...
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00:04:18,788 --> 00:04:22,340
CYRIL: Assholishness.
(all yelling)
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00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:26,677
RAY: Archer, I swear to God!
I will crash this plane right
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00:04:26,679 --> 00:04:29,730
into the goddamn ocean!
ARCHER: I'll take my chances
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00:04:29,732 --> 00:04:32,183
with the ocean!
The ocean isn't full of
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alligators!
And do not even think about it,
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Cyril!
CYRIL: Ray, what do I do?!
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00:04:36,522 --> 00:04:38,572
RAY: Uh...
I guess hang on.
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(grunts)
ARCHER and CYRIL: Whoa!
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(both grunting)
RAY: Sorry, Cyril.
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ARCHER: Ow.
CYRIL: Oh, shut up.
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It's your own fault.
ARCHER: Debatable.
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CYRIL: No, it's...
ARCHER: Shut up.
85
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Come on, Ray, there has to be
somewhere to land besides the
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00:04:51,537 --> 00:04:54,121
middle of the damn Everglades.
RAY: Well, not within fuel
87
00:04:54,123 --> 00:04:56,123
range, so...
ARCHER: And who's fault
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00:04:56,125 --> 00:04:58,342
is that?
RAY: Isaac goddamn Newton!
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00:04:58,344 --> 00:05:00,494
You see that airstrip?
The one that's circled?
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00:05:00,496 --> 00:05:03,214
That's the only one in range,
and we've only, barely, got
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00:05:03,216 --> 00:05:05,216
enough fuel to make it there,
so...
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00:05:05,218 --> 00:05:07,385
ARCHER: But Miami's, like,
right over here.
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00:05:07,387 --> 00:05:09,387
CYRIL: We can't land at a
real airport!
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00:05:09,389 --> 00:05:11,389
Even if Ray had filed a flight
plan...
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00:05:11,391 --> 00:05:13,691
ARCHER: Why didn't you file
a flight plan?!
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00:05:13,693 --> 00:05:16,844
That's like Airplane Stuff 101.
CYRIL: Not when the airplane
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is stolen and crammed full of
guns and cocaine!
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ARCHER: Ah.
I will concede that point.
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00:05:21,617 --> 00:05:23,617
RAY: Damn it.
ARCHER: What's up?
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00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:25,619
CYRIL: What's going on?
RAY: Burning too much
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fuel-- we're heavy.
CYRIL: What do you mean,
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00:05:27,623 --> 00:05:29,623
heavy?
ARCHER: You said we had
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enough fuel to...
RAY: I said barely!
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00:05:31,627 --> 00:05:33,661
I bet the Colombians didn't
count on three passengers.
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00:05:33,663 --> 00:05:35,663
CYRIL (sobbing): Oh, my God,
we're gonna crash!
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00:05:35,665 --> 00:05:37,698
ARCHER: Cyril, do not panic.
Just get out.
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CYRIL: What?!
ARCHER: Do the right thing,
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Cyril.
You have nothing to live for.
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00:05:42,221 --> 00:05:45,556
CYRIL: Get your hands off me.
ARCHER: Okay, relax. Jesus.
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Whatever happened to Team
Archer?
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CYRIL: Please tell me that
was never a real thing to you.
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ARCHER: Eh... I mean...
RAY: Hello?
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Time's a bit of a factor here!
ARCHER: Cyril, for the love
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00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:56,817
of God, man, jump!
CYRIL: Just throw out the
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00:05:56,819 --> 00:05:59,069
cocaine.
ARCHER: What?! No!
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00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:01,105
I'm not telling Mother I lost
the original hundred pounds
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00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:03,107
of...
CYRIL and RAY: Kilos!
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00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:05,109
ARCHER: ...whatever unit of
measurement-- of cocaine!
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00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:08,162
Plus, all this cocaine!
Do you have any idea how mad
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00:06:08,164 --> 00:06:09,864
she'd be?
RAY: Well, the
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00:06:09,866 --> 00:06:12,399
alternative is a belly-landing
in a swamp filled with
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00:06:12,401 --> 00:06:14,401
alligators!
ARCHER: No. No, no, no. No.
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00:06:14,403 --> 00:06:16,403
What if, um...
CYRIL: Archer!
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00:06:16,405 --> 00:06:18,405
Alligators or your mother!
ARCHER: What's the
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00:06:18,407 --> 00:06:20,407
difference?
They're both cold-blooded
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prehistoric monsters.
(Malory clears throat loudly)
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00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:25,763
MALORY: Excuse me?
ARCHER: I meant the pain of
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disappointing you would...
bite... alligator... ish...
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00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,519
ly.
MALORY: Uh-huh.
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00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,521
ARCHER: Anyway, right about
then...
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00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,523
RAY: Okay, I can see the
airstrip.
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00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,525
CYRIL: Well, can we make it?
RAY: Maybe, if you...
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00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,860
ARCHER: Wait! Ray, you said
the Colombians were flying to
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00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:41,896
this airstrip?
RAY: Yes!
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00:06:41,898 --> 00:06:44,482
Why do you think it's marked on
the chart, you idiot?
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00:06:44,484 --> 00:06:46,734
ARCHER: Okay, well, let's
circle back to who's an idiot,
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00:06:46,736 --> 00:06:49,904
and talk about who's probably
waiting at this airstrip.
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00:06:49,906 --> 00:06:51,906
(Cyril gasps)
RAY: Dukes.
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00:06:51,908 --> 00:06:54,208
ARCHER: And what their
reaction will be to three total
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00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:58,879
strangers showing up in their
plane without their coke.
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00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:01,165
CYRIL: They'll kill us!
RAY: Well... maybe not.
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00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,384
ARCHER: Wait, why?
CYRIL: Why maybe not?
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00:07:03,386 --> 00:07:05,586
(sputtering)
(Archer and Cyril shout)
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00:07:05,588 --> 00:07:07,638
RAY: Because that.
(sputtering)
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00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,391
(Archer and Cyril shout)
And that.
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00:07:10,393 --> 00:07:12,793
Happy?
ARCHER: What, like, in
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00:07:12,795 --> 00:07:15,679
general or...?
MALORY: Ooh, this is
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00:07:15,681 --> 00:07:18,432
exciting.
I hope everyone dies.
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00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:24,772
ARCHER: Uh, we obviously d...
Oh. Hardy har, Mother.
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00:07:24,774 --> 00:07:27,274
(slurps)
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00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:33,356
MALORY: And so our heroes,
such as they are, have run out
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00:07:33,596 --> 00:07:37,665
of fuel and... what.
RAY: No, no, no!
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00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:40,284
What are you doing?!
CYRIL: Throwing out the guns!
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00:07:40,286 --> 00:07:43,404
RAY: No, no, no, no, no!
You're screwing the trim all to
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00:07:43,406 --> 00:07:45,673
hell!
ARCHER (chuckles): This
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00:07:45,675 --> 00:07:48,259
no-phrasing thing is killing me.
RAY: Best case, our
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00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:51,412
glide ratio's maybe ten-to-one.
But it's a lot less with the
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00:07:51,414 --> 00:07:53,714
damn door hanging...
Oh, no, no, no!
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00:07:53,716 --> 00:07:56,100
(automatic gunfire)
CYRIL: Yeah!
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00:07:56,102 --> 00:07:58,252
ARCHER: Woooooo!!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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00:07:58,254 --> 00:08:00,254
(Archer and Cyril grunt)
RAY: You idiots!
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00:08:00,256 --> 00:08:02,256
CYRIL: What did I do?
ARCHER: Don't. There's no
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00:08:02,258 --> 00:08:04,275
talking to when he gets like
this.
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00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:06,561
RAY: Dump the damn guns!
CYRIL: Uh, I am, if you'd
165
00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:08,613
shut up!
ARCHER: Wait, wait, wait,
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00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:11,599
wait, Cyril!
CYRIL: What? Archer!
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00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,701
RAY: We're coming in!
Brace for landing!
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00:08:13,703 --> 00:08:16,370
ARCHER: Tell you in a minute.
RAY: Gear down!
169
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,323
(Cyril moans)
RAY (strained): We're not
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00:08:19,325 --> 00:08:24,378
gonna make it.
(Cyril whimpers)
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00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:29,000
ARCHER: Exciting, isn't it?
(Cyril yelping)
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00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:34,222
(Archer chuckling)
ARCHER: Oh, so, Cyril...
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00:08:34,224 --> 00:08:38,392
what I was gonna say was...
maybe don't throw out all the
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00:08:38,394 --> 00:08:41,679
guns because you know what they
say...
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00:08:41,681 --> 00:08:43,764
it's better to have a gun and
not need it than to be the
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00:08:43,766 --> 00:08:47,301
world's biggest dickhead, and
inside your head there's a
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00:08:47,303 --> 00:08:50,771
million more dicks, like, uh, if
you cut open a golf ball, only
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00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:53,357
instead of those little rubber
bands in there, it's just, you
179
00:08:53,359 --> 00:08:55,776
know...
CYRIL: Dicks?
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00:08:55,778 --> 00:08:58,329
ARCHER: Oh, so you have heard
that.
181
00:08:58,331 --> 00:09:01,315
MALORY: And so Gillette lands
safely-- I'm sure there's a joke
182
00:09:01,317 --> 00:09:04,118
in there about fairy dust-- and
then what happens?
183
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120
CYRIL (chuckles): Yeah, tell
her what happens next.
184
00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:08,122
ARCHER: I will if you shut
your... mouth.
185
00:09:08,124 --> 00:09:11,125
(quietly): Okay, listen up.
Say what you will about my
186
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,160
skills as a drug kingpin...
RAY: You don't have any.
187
00:09:13,162 --> 00:09:15,162
CYRIL: Completely
nonexistent.
188
00:09:15,164 --> 00:09:17,164
ARCHER: Are you done?
RAY and CYRIL: Yes.
189
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,350
ARCHER: Good, because if
there's one thing I'm good at,
190
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,469
out of the million other things
I'm good at, it's infiltrating
191
00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:23,504
the enemy with an assumed
identity.
192
00:09:23,506 --> 00:09:25,506
RAY: Named Randy.
ARCHER: Named shut up, it's
193
00:09:25,508 --> 00:09:27,508
not always Randy.
GILLETTE (chuckling): Oh, my
194
00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:29,510
God.
CYRIL: Always.
195
00:09:29,512 --> 00:09:32,280
(others agreeing)
ARCHER: That's because
196
00:09:32,282 --> 00:09:35,182
Randy's awesome!
And I'm the best in the world at
197
00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:38,536
this, so shut up and follow my
lead.
198
00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:42,856
Hey, guy... (grunts)
(Ray and Cyril squeak)
199
00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:45,543
SLATER: Anybody else in
there?
200
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:48,862
RAY and CYRIL: No.
(others reacting in shock)
201
00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:51,582
MALORY: Sterling, how are you
not dead?
202
00:09:51,584 --> 00:09:53,867
ARCHER (sighs): Because I
didn't get shot with buckshot.
203
00:09:53,869 --> 00:09:56,254
I got beanbagged.
(Pam growls)
204
00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:59,223
Beanbagged, Pam.
(others gasp, groan)
205
00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:01,225
MALORY: Oh, my God.
ARCHER: Yeah, I could've
206
00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,227
died.
CYRIL (scoffs): It was a
207
00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:05,713
beanbag.
ARCHER: Medical fact, Cyril.
208
00:10:05,715 --> 00:10:08,516
If you get hit in the chest
between heartbeats, you can die.
209
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:10,568
Go ask Houdini.
PAM (chuckling): Ask him
210
00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:16,407
what, how to get AIDS?
MALORY (sighs): So who were
211
00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:18,776
these goons?
ARCHER: They were... They
212
00:10:18,778 --> 00:10:21,412
kind of looked ex-military, now
that you mention it.
213
00:10:21,414 --> 00:10:23,414
MALORY: American.
ARCHER: Yeah, and the
214
00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,666
leader's name was...
SLATER: Slater.
215
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:28,402
Just call me Slater.
And sorry about the beanbag.
216
00:10:28,404 --> 00:10:30,904
Man, that must kill.
ARCHER: Yeah. Yeah, you hear
217
00:10:30,906 --> 00:10:34,458
beanbag," you think Beanie
Baby, not... internal bleeding.
218
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,677
SLATER: Well, the door was
shot off, and we didn't know who
219
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,380
you were.
Still don't, I guess, formally,
220
00:10:39,382 --> 00:10:42,800
uh...
ARCHER: Uh, Rand... o.
221
00:10:42,802 --> 00:10:44,802
SLATER: Rando.
ARCHER: Yep.
222
00:10:44,804 --> 00:10:47,388
SLATER: Rando...?
ARCHER: Uh, no, that's it.
223
00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:51,142
It's a mononym, like Cher.
CYRIL: Pliny.
224
00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:53,144
RAY: Cantinflas!
SLATER: I know what "mononym"
225
00:10:53,146 --> 00:10:55,446
means.
What I don't know is who you
226
00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:57,815
people are.
ARCHER: Uh, I'm Rando-- I
227
00:10:57,817 --> 00:11:01,369
think we covered that fairly
well-- and these are the, uh,
228
00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:03,871
McCracken brothers, Phil and
Odie.
229
00:11:03,873 --> 00:11:05,873
CYRIL: Hello.
RAY: Odie, hush.
230
00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:07,875
SLATER: So why do you guys
have my cocaine?
231
00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,910
ARCHER: We...
SLATER: I'm not done.
232
00:11:09,912 --> 00:11:11,963
ARCHER: Sorry.
SLATER: What have you done
233
00:11:11,965 --> 00:11:14,165
with Gomez...
234
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:18,803
What, you're just not gonna
answer?
235
00:11:18,805 --> 00:11:21,922
ARCHER: Oh! S-Sorry.
You kind of trailed off like
236
00:11:21,924 --> 00:11:24,809
there was, like, a third...
SLATER: Why do you have my
237
00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:27,928
cocaine and where the hell is
Gomez, full goddamn stop!
238
00:11:27,930 --> 00:11:30,264
ARCHER: Gomez was gonna steal
it.
239
00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:32,516
SLATER: Says who?
ARCHER (chuckles): "Who."
240
00:11:32,518 --> 00:11:35,770
Nice.
Anyway, they called us in, uh,
241
00:11:35,772 --> 00:11:40,808
to address that, which we did
and now we're here and...
242
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:46,914
Full stop?
TOUGH GUY: Okay, this is the
243
00:11:46,916 --> 00:11:48,833
last of it.
The weight's good.
244
00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:50,951
We tested ten of the bricks.
Looks like it's all here.
245
00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:52,953
SLATER: Well, either you guys
are the shittiest coke thieves
246
00:11:52,955 --> 00:11:54,955
on the planet...
CYRIL (chuckles): Which we
247
00:11:54,957 --> 00:11:57,758
are not.
(chuckles) You know, I mean, if
248
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,211
that was... I mean, if we put
our minds to it.
249
00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:02,263
Look, here's the thing about the
McCracken brothers...
250
00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:04,465
ARCHER: Odie, hush!
Uh, you were saying?
251
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,834
SLATER: Hey, between you and
me, I thought Gomez was hinky
252
00:12:06,836 --> 00:12:09,670
from the get-go and, since the
coke's all here, let's get you
253
00:12:09,672 --> 00:12:12,723
fellas loaded.
ARCHER: Yeah, now you're
254
00:12:12,725 --> 00:12:16,894
talking.
About something else entirely.
255
00:12:16,896 --> 00:12:18,979
Apparently.
SLATER (chuckles): What, did
256
00:12:18,981 --> 00:12:21,399
you nerf-nuts think I was
talking about getting drunk?
257
00:12:21,401 --> 00:12:25,286
ARCHER: Uh, yeah, on money.
SLATER (laughing): Oh, man,
258
00:12:25,288 --> 00:12:27,788
classic Rando.
And don't worry, Calderon's good
259
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,624
for the money.
At least for now.
260
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:32,793
Am I right, fellas?
ARCHER: Are you?
261
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:35,463
SLATER (laughs): Classic
Rando.
262
00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,581
ARCHER (chuckles): Yeah,
Rando's awesome.
263
00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:39,583
SLATER: So, obviously you're
not gonna be able to pressurize
264
00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:41,585
this baby, so, uh...
RAY: I'll keep it under
265
00:12:41,587 --> 00:12:43,587
8,000.
SLATER: Still gonna freeze
266
00:12:43,589 --> 00:12:45,639
your asses off.
Good thing you're flying south,
267
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:47,708
huh?
ARCHER: Mmm... yep.
268
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,643
SLATER: You do know where
you're going, right?
269
00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:51,645
ARCHER: I absolutely know
where we're going.
270
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:54,648
CYRIL: Yeah, back home to
ask Mommy what to do.
271
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:56,851
ARCHER: Hey, shut up!
CYRIL: You shut up!
272
00:12:56,853 --> 00:13:03,240
ARCHER: Ow. (grunts)
Ma, they done killed old Rando.
273
00:13:05,291 --> 00:13:08,249
LANA: So, you leave here with
a bunch of the first load of
274
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:12,289
cocaine, which just mysteriously
appeared at ISIS and that Malory
275
00:13:12,289 --> 00:13:14,319
swears wasn't hers...
MALORY: Because it most
276
00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:17,293
certainly was not!
CYRIL: Wait, then where did it come from?
277
00:13:17,413 --> 00:13:18,857
MALORY: Obviously from Sterling.
ARCHER: Obviously from Mother.
278
00:13:18,977 --> 00:13:20,408
MALORY and ARCHER: No, not from me!
279
00:13:20,528 --> 00:13:24,209
Well, I certainly...
(high-pitched whistle)
280
00:13:24,329 --> 00:13:25,137
(others groaning)
LANA: Sorry to break that up.
281
00:13:25,257 --> 00:13:28,504
I love Freaky Friday as much as
the next gal, but let's just
282
00:13:28,624 --> 00:13:31,433
press on, operating under the
assumption that one, or more
283
00:13:31,507 --> 00:13:33,673
likely both, of you are lying
and that...
284
00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:35,178
MALORY and ARCHER: Lana, I swear...
285
00:13:35,298 --> 00:13:38,144
LANA (whistles): Pressing on.
So then you stumble into another
286
00:13:38,146 --> 00:13:41,281
bunch of cocaine in the jungle
and then continue stumbling into
287
00:13:41,283 --> 00:13:45,585
a beanbagging arms dealer, so
that now, almost inexplicably,
288
00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:48,321
we have enough weapons to invade
Quebec.
289
00:13:48,323 --> 00:13:50,590
KRIEGER: Wait, literally?
LANA: No, Krieger, not
290
00:13:50,592 --> 00:13:52,592
literally.
PAM: Aww.
291
00:13:52,594 --> 00:13:54,594
CHERLENE: Lame.
KRIEGER: Well, if we ever do,
292
00:13:54,596 --> 00:13:56,730
the best time to invade is
right after brunch, when
293
00:13:56,732 --> 00:13:58,732
they're all logy.
LANA: Archer?
294
00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:01,134
ARCHER: I don't know.
I mean, it couldn't hurt, but...
295
00:14:01,136 --> 00:14:03,136
LANA: Still talking about
this.
296
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:05,372
Not invading Quebec.
ARCHER: Oh, yeah, then they
297
00:14:05,374 --> 00:14:07,741
loaded the plane with the
weapons, said we were heading
298
00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:10,343
south and that Calderon would
pay us.
299
00:14:10,345 --> 00:14:14,114
LANA: Calderon?
(gasps) As in Gustavo Calderon?
300
00:14:14,116 --> 00:14:18,018
ARCHER (burps): Should I know
who that is?
301
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:20,053
CYRIL: How could you not?
ARCHER: I don't know, Cyril.
302
00:14:20,055 --> 00:14:23,323
Maybe I was busy saving your
life once, and then you shot me.
303
00:14:23,325 --> 00:14:27,193
MALORY: Gustavo Calderon, aka
Baby Gus, is the president of
304
00:14:27,195 --> 00:14:29,195
San Marcos.
(Archer burps)
305
00:14:29,197 --> 00:14:31,398
ARCHER: Should I know...
MALORY: Oh for God's sake,
306
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,701
Sterling, it's a country in
Central America.
307
00:14:34,703 --> 00:14:36,736
ARCHER: Mm, not according to
this.
308
00:14:36,738 --> 00:14:38,738
LANA: Because that thing's a
hundred years old.
309
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,740
It still says "German East
Africa."
310
00:14:40,742 --> 00:14:42,676
KRIEGER: We will neverrecognize Tanganyika!
311
00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:44,678
LANA: Well, it's Tanzanianow, so...
312
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,680
PAM: Aww.CHERLENE: Lame.
313
00:14:46,682 --> 00:14:48,682
KRIEGER: Well, whatever, aslong as they don't nationalize
314
00:14:48,684 --> 00:14:51,251
the ivory trade.I don't think my portfolio can
315
00:14:51,253 --> 00:14:55,055
take the hit.LANA: Trust me, San Marcos is
316
00:14:55,057 --> 00:14:57,390
a country.MALORY: And it's in the
317
00:14:57,392 --> 00:14:59,693
middle of a civil war.Communist rebels are tearing
318
00:14:59,695 --> 00:15:02,062
through the countryside like...like...
319
00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:04,164
PAM: Cows.Bees.
320
00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:06,499
Hang on.Bees.
321
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:09,235
MALORY (sighs): How do younot know about San Marcos?
322
00:15:09,237 --> 00:15:12,272
It's all over the news everynight.
323
00:15:12,274 --> 00:15:14,691
ANCHORMAN: from San Marcostonight, as the Communist rebel
324
00:15:14,693 --> 00:15:18,194
forces consolidate their gainsin the countryside, and now
325
00:15:18,196 --> 00:15:21,698
prepare to move on the capital.We spoke with President Gustavo
326
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,652
Calderon, seen here volunteeringat the hospital, comforting the
327
00:15:25,654 --> 00:15:27,687
wounded.CALDERON: Oh, hello, I did
328
00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:29,689
not see you there.I was comforting this brave
329
00:15:29,691 --> 00:15:33,860
young man here, the fruit of SanMarcos, wounded by a Communist
330
00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:36,413
sneeper.I think he has died.
331
00:15:36,415 --> 00:15:38,832
Yes.But let me say this, to the
332
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:41,885
Communists who are murderingour brave young fruits, and to
333
00:15:41,887 --> 00:15:45,639
the puppet masters in Moscow andthe capital of China, you
334
00:15:45,641 --> 00:15:48,341
cannot kill the spirit ofSan Mar...
335
00:15:48,343 --> 00:15:50,343
PAM: Aww.CHERLENE: Lame.
336
00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:53,146
As in who cares.MALORY: The United States.
337
00:15:53,148 --> 00:15:55,348
Apparently Calderon is barelyclinging to power.
338
00:15:55,350 --> 00:15:57,350
ARCHER: Huh.You think this is somehow
339
00:15:57,352 --> 00:15:59,352
related?(chuckles)
340
00:15:59,354 --> 00:16:01,387
I'm kidding, obviously.RAY: Are you?
341
00:16:01,389 --> 00:16:03,389
PAM: Yeah, right.LANA: I don't think you are.
342
00:16:03,391 --> 00:16:05,575
ARCHER: Yes, I'm kidding.Because you want to know what I
343
00:16:05,577 --> 00:16:08,278
really think is going on here?CHERLENE: You're all jealous!
344
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,164
My album's coming out, and it'sgonna be huge, and you're all
345
00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:13,450
jealous, and so you just wantto ruin it for me.
346
00:16:13,452 --> 00:16:15,735
MALORY: Why would I want to
ruin your album?
347
00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:19,205
I get 50% of the profits.
LANA: Archer?
348
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:21,591
ARCHER: I don't know, maybe
a little jealous.
349
00:16:21,593 --> 00:16:23,593
It's an exciting time for her.
LANA: This.
350
00:16:23,595 --> 00:16:25,912
Still talking about this.
ARCHER: Oh, right, right,
351
00:16:25,914 --> 00:16:27,914
right.
So what I think is...
352
00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,467
MALORY: I think you've
managed to stumble backwards
353
00:16:30,469 --> 00:16:32,852
into a CIA-backed,
anti-Communist,
354
00:16:32,854 --> 00:16:36,356
drugs-for-arms operation.
ARCHER: Wow, that actually
355
00:16:36,358 --> 00:16:38,358
makes more sense.
LANA: Than...?
356
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,393
ARCHER: No, no, let's just go
with her thing.
357
00:16:40,395 --> 00:16:42,312
CYRIL: Which, if it's true,
is...
358
00:16:42,314 --> 00:16:44,314
MALORY: Wonderful.
CYRIL: I was going to say
359
00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:46,316
terrible.
MALORY: Because you are a
360
00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:49,119
timid man, Cyril.
CYRIL: What? No, I'm not.
361
00:16:49,121 --> 00:16:52,238
PAM (laughing): Dude, your
balls are made of pussy.
362
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:56,376
(Archer laughs)
ARCHER: Aah! Ow. Oh.
363
00:16:56,378 --> 00:16:58,828
All kidding aside, I maybe
should go to a hospital.
364
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:01,581
MALORY: Cyril, this is an
opportunity to finally make
365
00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,883
some money.
Even if we had a buyer for the
366
00:17:03,885 --> 00:17:08,221
cocaine, do we even still have
half of it left?
367
00:17:08,223 --> 00:17:10,507
KRIEGER: Eh...
MALORY: What?
368
00:17:10,509 --> 00:17:12,625
KRIEGER: It's, um, you know,
not... It's...
369
00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:14,627
MALORY: Krieger!
KRIEGER: Mm?
370
00:17:14,629 --> 00:17:16,763
MALORY: Tell me what's going
on or I will literally
371
00:17:16,765 --> 00:17:19,682
emasculate you.
KRIEGER: Well, no, if you
372
00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:23,236
literally emas... (coughs)
Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've
373
00:17:23,238 --> 00:17:25,972
been working on a bit of a side
project.
374
00:17:25,974 --> 00:17:31,411
I give you...
the Red Kriegtober.
375
00:17:31,413 --> 00:17:33,413
LANA: Um...KRIEGER: Or the Red
376
00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:35,448
OctKrieger.I can't decide.
377
00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:38,251
It's a narco-sub.For transporting cocaine.
378
00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:40,420
It's totally undetectable bythe Coast Guard.
379
00:17:40,422 --> 00:17:42,372
Thoughts?LANA: How you gonna get it
380
00:17:42,374 --> 00:17:44,340
out of here?KRIEGER: Hm?
381
00:17:44,342 --> 00:17:49,462
LANA: How does that thingleave this room?
382
00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:52,348
KRIEGER: Goddamn it!MALORY: Oh, for the...
383
00:17:52,350 --> 00:17:55,268
How much money did you waste onthat little boondoggle?
384
00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,470
KRIEGER: Well, it's not thatso much as...
385
00:17:57,472 --> 00:17:59,856
MALORY: Krieger?KRIEGER: Well, I needed
386
00:17:59,858 --> 00:18:03,309
ballast, and what better tosimulate bricks of cocaine than,
387
00:18:03,311 --> 00:18:06,196
you know, bricks of cocaine?MALORY: Krieger...
388
00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:08,948
KRIEGER: And when I realizedit would never feel the wind on
389
00:18:08,950 --> 00:18:14,487
its face, or taste the saltyspray of the sea, I... I...
390
00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:18,958
(explosions)MALORY: You what?
391
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,495
KRIEGER: I blew it up!Goddamn you all to hell, I blew
392
00:18:22,497 --> 00:18:24,631
it up!(all exclaiming)
393
00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:26,866
CHERLENE: I'm not cleaning itup.
394
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:29,502
PAM: You mean it's all gone?KRIEGER: I... (sniffles)
395
00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:35,475
No, no, not all of it.(Pam sobbing)
396
00:18:35,477 --> 00:18:37,894
PAM: Why?KRIEGER: Shh, shh, shh, shh,
397
00:18:37,896 --> 00:18:40,763
shh, shh, shh.There, there.
398
00:18:40,765 --> 00:18:43,516
MALORY: Woodhouse, dear, Ineed some more ice.
399
00:18:43,518 --> 00:18:46,352
WOODHOUSE: Straightaway, mum.MALORY: Oh, and a small bowl,
400
00:18:46,354 --> 00:18:48,438
a mirror, a needle and thread,and a straight razor.
401
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,490
CYRIL: Whoa.RAY: Just calm down.
402
00:18:50,492 --> 00:18:52,525
ARCHER: Whoa, whoa...LANA: You're not emasculating
403
00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:54,527
Krieger.KRIEGER: What the hell was
404
00:18:54,529 --> 00:18:56,529
the mirror for?MALORY: So you could watch.
405
00:18:56,531 --> 00:18:58,731
(thunder rumbles)(Krieger squeaks)
406
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:01,868
(Malory sighs)MALORY: The perfect ending
407
00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:04,704
to the perfect...(laughs)
408
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:08,258
I almost said "evening."More like months, though,
409
00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:10,460
isn't it?Since we started scrabbling for
410
00:19:10,462 --> 00:19:14,964
coins because the damngovernment took away our...
411
00:19:14,966 --> 00:19:17,750
everything.They took everything.
412
00:19:17,752 --> 00:19:20,586
And the only thing that wasleft, you idiots either lost,
413
00:19:20,588 --> 00:19:25,692
gave away, ate or just blew upand sank.
414
00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:27,694
ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger.LANA: Archer.
415
00:19:27,696 --> 00:19:30,313
MALORY: And so, starting now,in addition to the country
416
00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:34,767
music business, which...CHERLENE: Right?
417
00:19:34,769 --> 00:19:36,953
MALORY: We are in the armsbusiness.
418
00:19:36,955 --> 00:19:39,489
KRIEGER: There's still alittle cocaine left.
419
00:19:39,491 --> 00:19:41,491
LANA: Krieger.ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger.
420
00:19:41,493 --> 00:19:43,493
LANA: And do we want to talkabout this or...
421
00:19:43,495 --> 00:19:46,112
MALORY: You're welcome to.
I, personally, am going to bed.
422
00:19:46,114 --> 00:19:49,916
It's been a long night.
ARCHER: Oh, yeah, wh-why are
423
00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:51,918
you all dressed up?
MALORY: Well, not that it's
424
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,087
any of anyone's business, but I
had dinner with Ron.
425
00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:56,089
ARCHER: What?
CHERLENE: Ooh.
426
00:19:56,091 --> 00:19:58,124
CYRIL: Sounds delightful.
ARCHER: Wait-- you're still
427
00:19:58,126 --> 00:20:00,426
getting divorced, right?
MALORY: No.
428
00:20:00,428 --> 00:20:02,428
We have decided to give it
another chance, and so we will
429
00:20:02,430 --> 00:20:04,430
be going to marriage counseling
and... (mumbles)
430
00:20:04,432 --> 00:20:06,432
ARCHER: Wait, what?
PAM: Huh?
431
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:08,434
CYRIL: Marriage counseling
and what?
432
00:20:08,436 --> 00:20:10,520
ARCHER: I didn't catch that.
MALORY: Oh, for...
433
00:20:10,522 --> 00:20:13,573
We've decided to have an open
marriage.
434
00:20:13,575 --> 00:20:15,575
CYRIL: Okay.
PAM: Nice.
435
00:20:15,577 --> 00:20:17,694
KRIEGER: Gross.
CHERLENE: Oh, my God.
436
00:20:17,696 --> 00:20:19,696
MALORY: Well, it was either
that or...
437
00:20:19,698 --> 00:20:22,492
(phone rings)
CHERLENE (gasps): Oh, my God.
438
00:20:22,612 --> 00:20:24,924
It's Ron.
Hello...
439
00:20:25,044 --> 00:20:26,326
(all gasping)
ARCHER: Oh, no!
440
00:20:26,446 --> 00:20:28,391
MALORY: And so...
ARCHER: Jesus.
441
00:20:28,664 --> 00:20:30,029
Hope he doesn't call me.
442
00:20:30,149 --> 00:20:32,672
Why would he call you?
(phone ringing)
443
00:20:36,885 --> 00:20:38,262
(clears throat)
444
00:20:40,136 --> 00:20:46,875
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
38285
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