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1
00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,090
(marching band playing)
2
00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:11,068
Happy Parade Day!
3
00:00:11,128 --> 00:00:14,238
It's the Parade Day Parade!
4
00:00:14,298 --> 00:00:15,589
(horns honking)
5
00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,494
Clear the roadway!
6
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,519
Your antics
inconvenience hundreds!
7
00:00:21,731 --> 00:00:23,355
Hooray for parades!
8
00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:25,858
Your antics delight one and all!
9
00:00:26,977 --> 00:00:30,029
Follow me, Little Lord Ralph!
10
00:00:31,982 --> 00:00:34,349
What's hiding
behind the Great Green Wall?
11
00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,850
A choo choo? Some buttons?
12
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,852
A dog ten feet tall?
13
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,539
♪ ♪
14
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:42,624
Hmm-hmm.
15
00:00:45,695 --> 00:00:49,526
(gasps)
My eyes told me a secret!
16
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,716
(school bell rings)
17
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,260
Aw, last day of school.
18
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,221
Lot of fond memories in here.
19
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,535
- Furnace.
- On it.
20
00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,911
I know
what's behind the Big Hedge,
21
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,246
because I went behind
the Big Hedge
22
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,748
and I saw what's behind
the Big Hedge
23
00:01:02,772 --> 00:01:04,955
and now I'm gonna tell you. Yay!
24
00:01:05,015 --> 00:01:07,232
The Big Hedge?
As in the Big Hedge?
25
00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:09,717
No one knows
what's behind that thing.
26
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,071
Although,
a seventh grader once told me
27
00:01:12,264 --> 00:01:14,459
it was naked ladies
setting off fireworks.
28
00:01:14,483 --> 00:01:17,801
I heard it's where divorced
parents go to get back together.
29
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:21,896
No, sir! It's where they hold
the Independent Spirit Awards!
30
00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,583
If you call that independent.
31
00:01:24,776 --> 00:01:28,087
No, it's
the best playground ever!
32
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,757
There's Easter eggs and
baby cars that anyone can drive.
33
00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:34,426
And this many clowns
in clown pants!
34
00:01:34,619 --> 00:01:37,805
(chuckles)
Dang, that's hella clowns.
35
00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:41,102
- (raccoon chitters)
- How the crotch
36
00:01:41,126 --> 00:01:42,913
do we get through that thing?
37
00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:44,686
I've seen my dad do this.
38
00:01:50,394 --> 00:01:52,336
(birds chirping)
39
00:01:52,396 --> 00:01:54,279
- Wow!
- OTHERS: Whoa!
40
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,618
See? Easter eggs,
clown pants and baby cars.
41
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,179
I love you, clowns!
42
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,041
There's a golf course
in the middle of Springfield?
43
00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,555
NELSON: What's golf?
44
00:02:08,579 --> 00:02:10,871
I've never seen a golf course
anywhere,
45
00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,885
except those commercials
for pills
46
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,949
that give old people
their life back.
47
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,446
- Duckies!
- (ducks quacking)
48
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,879
I'm gonna go steal
their wet bread.
49
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:22,790
Whoa, I've never seen
Jimbo looking so sharp.
50
00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:24,792
Is he bullying rich guys now?
51
00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:27,128
Fine round today, sir.
52
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,723
You know,
I hope to be a doctor myself.
53
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,484
It's always been my dream
to work around blood.
54
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,319
(laughs)
55
00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,947
Well, maybe this will help
with medical school.
56
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,643
Whoa! 20 bucks!
57
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,495
(Jimbo chuckles)
58
00:02:43,688 --> 00:02:45,466
What the hell, Jimbo?
You just suck up to that guy
59
00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:46,648
and he gives you money?
60
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,149
It's not sucking up.
61
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,818
Rich guys love hearing
how great they are,
62
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,732
and they're willing to pay
for it.
63
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,656
Money pay.
64
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,324
Mwah.
65
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,427
Look away, pervs!
66
00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:01,996
We'd like jobs, please.
67
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:05,350
Well, you seem a little young,
but I do need the help.
68
00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:07,422
I'm out several
of my best caddies
69
00:03:07,545 --> 00:03:09,746
due to an elaborate
virginity-losing wager.
70
00:03:09,806 --> 00:03:11,839
Here are your first assignments.
71
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,936
You know, I've never really
sucked up to anyone before.
72
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,255
Sure, I've lied,
scammed, grifted,
73
00:03:18,315 --> 00:03:20,181
but this feels different.
74
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,366
Special.
75
00:03:21,518 --> 00:03:23,518
Well, I'm a Van Houten.
76
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,112
Watch and learn.
77
00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:29,541
Dang! Looks like I got
the handsomest golfer
78
00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:31,451
in the whole damn club!
79
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,620
- (shudders)
- (groans)
80
00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:36,289
You fine, boy!
81
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,361
Hmm, you're new.
82
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,327
Uh, that's why they
assigned me to you.
83
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,222
The best way to learn the course
84
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,226
is by watching
a master carve it up
85
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,017
like a Thanksgiving turkey.
86
00:03:48,253 --> 00:03:49,427
Hmm.
87
00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:50,782
Hmm. That does sound
88
00:03:50,806 --> 00:03:52,042
like something they would say.
89
00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,399
(chuckles) Let's play some golf.
90
00:03:54,592 --> 00:03:56,152
(exhales): Whew.
91
00:03:56,261 --> 00:03:57,719
(grunting)
92
00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,216
Wait till my friends hear
I caddied
93
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,815
for Kent "The Straight Dope"
Brockman.
94
00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:03,742
We watch you every night.
95
00:04:03,935 --> 00:04:07,079
Really? I thought youngsters got
their news from the Internet.
96
00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:10,894
Pfft. No way. My boys think
broadcast news is the swagness.
97
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,085
And the girls call you
"a snack."
98
00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:15,438
Hope it's okay for me
to use the current lingo.
99
00:04:15,613 --> 00:04:17,422
The snack will allow it.
100
00:04:17,615 --> 00:04:20,241
Stacy and I, well, it's, uh...
101
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:21,318
it's complicated.
102
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,073
Isn't it always?
103
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,597
She's a terrific person
and a top-notch meteorologist.
104
00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:28,658
But if I'm dodging her calls
after three months...
105
00:04:28,719 --> 00:04:31,081
I think you've
already made up your mind.
106
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,997
You just don't want to admit it,
'cause you're a kind person.
107
00:04:34,057 --> 00:04:36,191
Mm. Guilty as charged.
108
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:39,503
You da man!
109
00:04:39,563 --> 00:04:42,506
Muzzle your nonsense, imbecile!
110
00:04:42,566 --> 00:04:44,024
Said da man!
111
00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,617
This is "The Straight Dope,"
112
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,006
thanking you
for a wonderful round.
113
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,716
BART:
This is it. The moment of trut.
114
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,268
Did I kiss enough butt?
115
00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:53,517
Only money will tell.
116
00:04:53,577 --> 00:04:55,185
(shudders)
117
00:04:55,245 --> 00:04:57,107
I thought
all money was the same.
118
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,631
But the best money
is peeled off a wad.
119
00:04:59,783 --> 00:05:01,800
♪ Cash ruleseverything around me ♪
120
00:05:01,951 --> 00:05:03,151
♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪
121
00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:05,211
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
122
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,226
♪ Cash ruleseverything around me ♪
123
00:05:07,257 --> 00:05:08,457
♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪
124
00:05:08,559 --> 00:05:10,550
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
125
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,455
♪ Cash ruleseverything around me ♪
126
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,812
♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪
127
00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:15,722
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
128
00:05:15,874 --> 00:05:17,651
♪ Cash ruleseverything around me ♪
129
00:05:17,675 --> 00:05:19,963
♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money. ♪
130
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,470
There's my number one son.
131
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,807
Come sit next
to your proud papa, workin' man.
132
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,475
We're all proud of you.
133
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,052
I'm sure Bart will learn a lot
134
00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:31,888
carrying a bag of sticks
from place to place.
135
00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,816
They're called golf bats, Lis.
136
00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,980
Nice starter wad.
137
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,320
You want to see
what I'm rolling with?
138
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:42,448
Whoa! That rubber band
is just straining!
139
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:43,567
Can I hold it?
140
00:05:43,627 --> 00:05:44,918
Hey, be careful with that!
141
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,734
- Whoa!
- (Homer moans)
142
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:49,573
No-static dryer sheets?
143
00:05:49,633 --> 00:05:51,758
You pad your wad?
144
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,330
(gasping)
145
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,332
I'm not the father
you thought you married!
146
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,167
(crying)
147
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,351
- (sprinklers running)
- (golf club strikes ball)
148
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,670
Look, Maggie.
149
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,769
Your brother is doing a job.
150
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,345
Aren't you proud of him?
151
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,046
Aren't you? (chuckles)
152
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,324
Want to sneak a peek?
153
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:12,946
...and in the end,
everyone lost money but me.
154
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,356
Wow. I've learned so much today,
155
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,952
about golf, life and oil leases.
156
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,525
I wish I had tribal land
for you to build a pipeline on.
157
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,884
I'd be honored if you'd frack
under my house someday, sir.
158
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,432
Ugh. I've never seen my son...
suck up before.
159
00:06:33,802 --> 00:06:35,446
Easy money. Mwah.
160
00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:38,783
You don't kiss all the golfers'
butts like that, do you?
161
00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:41,900
Oh, Mom. These rich guys expect
a little... (smooching)
162
00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:44,622
in exchange for some... ah.
163
00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:46,049
It's no big deal.
164
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,907
On one hand,
I'm glad you're being polite.
165
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,316
On the other hand...
166
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,411
(shudders loudly)
167
00:06:52,604 --> 00:06:55,580
Wow, I never thought of it
that way, Mom.
168
00:06:55,773 --> 00:06:58,417
No one looks out for me
the way you do.
169
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,401
You are the shining star
170
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,921
that guides this family
through the darkness.
171
00:07:03,114 --> 00:07:05,406
Oh, aren't you sweet.
172
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,242
Why don't we stop by the
skateboard store on the way home
173
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,564
and I'll buy you... (gasps)
174
00:07:09,588 --> 00:07:10,595
(grumbles)
175
00:07:10,788 --> 00:07:11,746
Suck-up.
176
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,223
(cackling)
177
00:07:17,995 --> 00:07:20,013
So, there we are
on the 18th green.
178
00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:21,868
The course has been a bear
all morning.
179
00:07:21,892 --> 00:07:24,017
I tell Judge Snyder
to shut that all out
180
00:07:24,169 --> 00:07:25,426
and just be in the moment.
181
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,612
- He nods, plants his feet.
- (gasps) Mm-hmm?
182
00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:29,839
- And, in one smooth motion...
- Mm?
183
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,701
- ...tips me 50 bucks!
- (gasps)
184
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,862
Wow. Just... wow.
185
00:07:36,014 --> 00:07:38,698
Why do I suddenly want
to bring Bart's car around?
186
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,500
(Bart humming)
187
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,296
Here you go.
Buy yourself a bigger tip jar.
188
00:07:44,489 --> 00:07:45,705
(bell dings)
189
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,524
(plays note on harmonica)
190
00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:49,520
♪ Tip's in the jar,grateful we are ♪
191
00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:51,614
♪ Praised be your name,you've raised the game ♪
192
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,450
♪ Some give us zip,it's such a rip ♪
193
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:55,452
♪ Shame them with song,they're in the wrong ♪
194
00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,977
♪ All of the grown-upsin here just... ♪
195
00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,218
Doesn't it bother you
196
00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,886
that Bart made that money...
197
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,630
(quietly): sucking up
to those golfers?
198
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,961
Marge, sucking up
is the American way.
199
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,671
In this country,
everybody got together
200
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,895
and decided that all the money
should belong
201
00:08:09,047 --> 00:08:11,881
to a few dozen families
and their favorite suck-ups.
202
00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:15,309
Don't you remember
when we all decided that?
203
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,478
- (groans)
- And of all the things
204
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,164
that Bart might do for money,
205
00:08:19,357 --> 00:08:21,407
this is by far the most legal.
206
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,335
Other people are paying our son.
207
00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:24,853
And in cash!
208
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,822
It's both aboveboard
and under the table.
209
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,916
That's the dream!
210
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,252
Homie, I know it's not logical,
211
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,467
but when I saw Bart
at that golf course,
212
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,590
my mothering spirit
just wanted to hurl.
213
00:08:37,743 --> 00:08:39,592
Back me up on this one.
214
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,078
Tell our son he has to quit.
215
00:08:42,138 --> 00:08:44,264
Quit being a caddy? No way!
216
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,336
How much did Mom give you
to tell me that?
217
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,601
Uh... n-nothing.
218
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,028
Well, I can do better than that.
219
00:08:50,221 --> 00:08:52,272
Will 20 bucks make this go away?
220
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,941
Well, I guess I can tell her
I did my best.
221
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,278
Tell her you did your...
very best.
222
00:08:58,372 --> 00:08:59,687
Mm-hmm.
223
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:02,093
Now that you got your own pool,
224
00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:04,117
what are you gonna buy next?
225
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,605
I'm thinking
of getting one of those booths
226
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,120
that blows money around.
227
00:09:07,272 --> 00:09:09,192
It pays for itself
the first time you get in it.
228
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,607
Bart, no!
229
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:12,551
That wad is your future.
230
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,554
What you need is
a good investment vehicle.
231
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,888
Hmm.
232
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,449
(all exclaiming)
233
00:09:19,509 --> 00:09:23,206
"Patented Ultra-Freedom
BadAss Technology
234
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,106
stops the engine if the driver
puts on a helmet."
235
00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:27,377
- Yes!
- Yeah!
236
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,568
After you buy it,
can we have rides?
237
00:09:29,761 --> 00:09:32,237
Guys, guys,
if I shared my death-mobile,
238
00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:35,073
then you wouldn't be motivated
to earn wads of your own.
239
00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:36,908
I'm doing this for you.
240
00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:40,153
Yeah, well,
you're acting like a butt wad.
241
00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:41,988
(chuckles): Oh, Nelson.
242
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,635
Saying what you really think
will get you nowhere.
243
00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:46,396
- Lousy rich kids.
- (grumbling, muttering)
244
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,921
- MARTIN: If I had a quad,
I'd share my quad.
- Lame.
245
00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:49,879
(huffing angrily)
246
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,257
Mm!
247
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,738
(grumbling loudly)
248
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,987
Okay, okay, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
249
00:09:58,089 --> 00:09:59,656
It's Bart's caddy job.
250
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:00,932
It's gross, right?
251
00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:02,434
You can tell me it's gross.
252
00:10:02,627 --> 00:10:03,913
You think it's gross?
253
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,754
Well, private golf clubs
are pretty evil.
254
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,348
Right. They are.
255
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,774
How so?
256
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,169
Wow, look at all these.
257
00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:15,171
Waste of water resources,
258
00:10:15,231 --> 00:10:16,356
pesticide use,
259
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,450
history of sexism and racism...
260
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,504
And Bart's a suck-up!
261
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,214
Not to mention
that private clubs
262
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,181
get huge breaks
on their property taxes,
263
00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:26,866
which is completely unfair.
264
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,185
Why shouldn't rich people pay
their share?
265
00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:31,612
Lisa, we've got
to shut down that club.
266
00:10:31,748 --> 00:10:33,965
We're going to city hall!
267
00:10:34,158 --> 00:10:35,884
♪ ♪
268
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,219
(golf ball clacks)
269
00:10:39,831 --> 00:10:41,723
(both grumbling)
270
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,521
- (snarling)
- Oh!
271
00:10:51,676 --> 00:10:53,985
Club President Bildorf.
272
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,803
Plays every single day
273
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,305
and never tips less
than 100 bucks.
274
00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:01,638
(whistles) Looks like I picked
the right summer job.
275
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,329
Mark my words...
His bag will be on my shoulder
276
00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:06,313
before this year's Father-Son
277
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,720
Bingo-Bango-Bongo
Best-Ball Scramble.
278
00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:11,022
You know,
since school's not in session,
279
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,079
I can finally tell you...
280
00:11:13,231 --> 00:11:14,673
you're awesome.
281
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,417
- Mm...
- Hmm? Hmm?
282
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,219
I'll take Simpson.
283
00:11:22,373 --> 00:11:23,256
(chuckles)
284
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:25,161
Eh, I just won't play.
285
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:25,850
Mm.
286
00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:27,427
♪ ♪
287
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,021
Okay, Mom. You got
to get your voice out there.
288
00:11:30,173 --> 00:11:32,025
Take the cause
directly to the people
289
00:11:32,049 --> 00:11:34,192
with an online petition.
290
00:11:35,854 --> 00:11:37,320
I got this!
291
00:11:38,189 --> 00:11:39,923
There.
292
00:11:40,024 --> 00:11:42,183
Now all I need is
a catchy title.
293
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,295
(gasps) I got it.
294
00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:44,928
"Stop Coddling
295
00:11:44,988 --> 00:11:47,447
the Springfield Junipers
Wealthy."
296
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,115
Whoops, too long. Hmm.
297
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,601
How about "Stop Coddling
298
00:11:51,661 --> 00:11:53,119
the S.J.W.s."
299
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,857
And post.
300
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,440
I wonder if that headline
will get any attention.
301
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,719
An online petition attacking
our local private golf club
302
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,613
has garnered
over one million signatures.
303
00:12:03,673 --> 00:12:05,724
- (both gasp)
- One million?
304
00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:07,392
(gasps) Mom,
305
00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:10,373
you used the term "S.J.W."
306
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,708
Yes, I know.
307
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,492
The "Springfield Junipers
Wealthy."
308
00:12:13,516 --> 00:12:17,736
No! "S.J.W." stands for
"social justice warriors."
309
00:12:17,929 --> 00:12:20,221
That's what right-wing trolls
call anyone who cares
310
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:22,056
about positive social change.
311
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,150
Look at the other
online petitions
312
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,411
your "supporters" have backed.
313
00:12:26,604 --> 00:12:28,913
MARGE: Oh, boy.
314
00:12:29,106 --> 00:12:32,233
Um, a signature's a signature?
315
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,754
Thanks to the cranky clicks
collected
316
00:12:33,778 --> 00:12:35,661
by local complainer
Marge Simpson,
317
00:12:35,814 --> 00:12:37,275
Springfield's golf club
will have to pay
318
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,143
a huge property tax increase,
319
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,317
threatening
the club's very existence.
320
00:12:41,419 --> 00:12:43,669
In one reporter's
unbiased opinion,
321
00:12:43,822 --> 00:12:47,651
closing this par-72 landmark
would be a travesty.
322
00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:48,955
One and all would mourn the loss
323
00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:51,102
of this exclusive
private green space
324
00:12:51,254 --> 00:12:53,438
and Ramon's famous Bloody Marys.
325
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:56,065
He uses a golf tee
as an olive skewer.
326
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,668
I think it's Ramon.
327
00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:00,688
I finally found something
I'm good at,
328
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,688
and you want to ruin it!
329
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,377
You don't know what it's like to
bring something into this world,
330
00:13:05,401 --> 00:13:08,678
watch it grow and worry about it
day and night.
331
00:13:08,738 --> 00:13:10,363
I love you, Wad.
332
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,624
We're going shopping
for rubber bands.
333
00:13:12,817 --> 00:13:15,034
You deserve it!
334
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,187
Simpson,
report to the first tee.
335
00:13:18,248 --> 00:13:20,206
You're going to the show.
336
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,466
Yes!
337
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:26,137
Digitaria sanguinalis.
338
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:29,048
Tell Tetsuo he's fired.
339
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,226
I think it's Tetsuo.
340
00:13:32,628 --> 00:13:34,628
Mr. Club President?
341
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,459
I'm sorry, for a second there,
342
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,817
I mistook you
for a young Pierce Brosnan.
343
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:40,010
Very young.
344
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:41,227
Ha!
345
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,655
Spare me, kid.
I've heard it all.
346
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:48,137
Simpson, your mother's campaign
is going to bankrupt this club.
347
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,306
I need you to convince her
to call it off.
348
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,979
Oh, I am trying.
349
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,499
My mom never backs down,
no matter how wrong she is.
350
00:13:54,692 --> 00:13:56,150
(gasps)
351
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,670
That's why
she's still married to my dad!
352
00:13:58,863 --> 00:14:02,156
(stammers) Why are charities
and churches
353
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:05,729
the only ones
that don't have to pay taxes?
354
00:14:05,753 --> 00:14:07,828
(chuckles): It's preposterous.
355
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:11,165
Yeah, man, this place
is better than any church.
356
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,237
Everyone wants
to come here on Sunday,
357
00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,355
people are always shouting out
the Lord's name
358
00:14:15,379 --> 00:14:16,913
and, instead of wafers and wine,
359
00:14:16,973 --> 00:14:20,433
you get club sandwiches
and scotch in a plastic cup!
360
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,934
Bart Simpson,
361
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,253
you've just given me
the greatest idea
362
00:14:24,314 --> 00:14:27,773
since little whales embroidered
on khakis.
363
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,659
(whales singing)
364
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,279
As of today, the sport of golf
365
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,431
is officially declared
a religion.
366
00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:37,228
The Springfield Junipers
Golf Club
367
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,285
is now a house of worship.
368
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,772
Like all religions, golf
will be completely tax-exempt,
369
00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:44,792
adhering
to the core American credo
370
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,965
that churches rake it in
but pay nothing.
371
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,387
May Golf have mercy on us all.
372
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,056
Mm.
373
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,516
(groans)
374
00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:57,823
- (crowd oohing)
- MAN: Get in the hole!
375
00:14:57,847 --> 00:14:59,622
(excited murmuring)
376
00:14:59,682 --> 00:15:01,691
(cheering)
377
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,408
Thank you for coming,
Your Holinesses.
378
00:15:10,601 --> 00:15:11,984
Once you see how these golfers
379
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,820
are cheapening
the whole idea of religion,
380
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,301
you'll put an end to this sham.
381
00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:20,804
You want me to cast judgment
on a faith other than my own?
382
00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:22,754
Well, twist my arm.
383
00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:24,330
(laughing)
384
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,740
♪ I'm alright, Lordy, Lordy ♪
385
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,594
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me,don't worry ♪
386
00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:31,578
♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪
387
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,673
♪ Why don't youjust let me be? ♪
388
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:34,767
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
389
00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:35,992
Mm?
390
00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:38,494
Congregants, scripture, prayer...
391
00:15:38,554 --> 00:15:41,105
Looks like a house of worship
to me.
392
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,832
(Marge grumbles)
393
00:15:42,892 --> 00:15:44,667
These aren't commandments.
394
00:15:44,727 --> 00:15:46,335
They're jokes I don't get.
395
00:15:46,396 --> 00:15:49,072
Well, there's plenty of saints.
396
00:15:50,266 --> 00:15:51,710
(Italian accent): Blessed Shark,
397
00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:54,360
deliver my son's golf ball
safely
398
00:15:54,512 --> 00:15:57,450
onto the green
of Pebble Beach's notorious
399
00:15:57,474 --> 00:16:00,750
and evil 17th hole.
400
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:05,705
Look at this! It's like
the high holidays every day.
401
00:16:05,857 --> 00:16:07,017
I should be so lucky.
402
00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:08,541
Marge, I'm sorry,
403
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,285
but I think this religion
checks all the boxes.
404
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,721
We're calling it. It's a faith.
405
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:20,478
I just can't take
seeing him like this.
406
00:16:20,671 --> 00:16:22,647
Honey, over the years
I've learned
407
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:25,149
that you just want me
to listen to your problems
408
00:16:25,342 --> 00:16:26,987
and not always try
to solve them.
409
00:16:27,011 --> 00:16:28,736
So... good luck.
410
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:35,045
It's Sunday.
Shouldn't you be in church?
411
00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:36,402
I mean, your church.
412
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:39,238
(sighs) I've said a lot to you
about this job,
413
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:41,018
except what's deepest
in my heart.
414
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,151
Honey, the thing I've
always admired most about you
415
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,483
is that you've never needed
anyone else's approval.
416
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,435
And I'm worried
you're gonna lose that.
417
00:16:49,459 --> 00:16:51,325
I'm not gonna suck up forever.
418
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:52,918
Just until I'm rich.
419
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,847
Then other people
will suck up to me.
420
00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:58,424
Promise me these golf people
won't take away
421
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,167
my special little guy,
422
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:03,240
because they seem to get
everything else they want.
423
00:17:03,264 --> 00:17:04,439
Mwah.
424
00:17:11,388 --> 00:17:13,105
Ready to play, sir?
425
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,719
I see you've got
a new diamond earring.
426
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,200
Very age-appropriate.
427
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:19,111
Bart, you'll never caddy
for me again.
428
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,447
Now that your mother's
no longer a threat,
429
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,927
I can go back
to Chadlington here.
430
00:17:23,951 --> 00:17:27,361
Him?! But my religion idea
saved the club!
431
00:17:27,497 --> 00:17:28,938
I should be your caddy.
432
00:17:28,998 --> 00:17:30,030
I earned it!
433
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,365
Earned?
434
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,385
Earning things is so...
435
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,554
tennis.
436
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,056
Golf is about privilege.
437
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,800
Fine. But someday
I'm gonna be a member here,
438
00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:43,210
and I'm gonna be cool
to the caddies.
439
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,121
Uh, you, a member?
440
00:17:45,181 --> 00:17:47,047
(laughing): Oh, look,
441
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:48,900
you made Chadlington laugh.
442
00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:50,902
(high-pitched chuckling)
443
00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:54,388
Look, there's no path from where
you are to where I am.
444
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:57,366
Once a suck-up,
always a suck-up.
445
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,136
(grunts)
446
00:18:00,238 --> 00:18:01,718
- ♪ - (panting)
447
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,208
Mm?
448
00:18:06,735 --> 00:18:08,086
Well, I earned this.
449
00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:11,714
Sorry, buddy,
but it's time to say goodbye.
450
00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:13,740
(golf club strikes ball)
451
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:15,062
- Ah!
- LOVEJOY: Fore!
452
00:18:15,086 --> 00:18:16,260
You joined?
453
00:18:16,453 --> 00:18:17,837
They gave us a group deal.
454
00:18:17,989 --> 00:18:19,733
And they lifted
their restrictions.
455
00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:20,765
What's not to like?
456
00:18:20,916 --> 00:18:22,491
Everything's not to like!
457
00:18:22,552 --> 00:18:24,084
These people are horrible.
458
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,679
Their stupid shoes
clack-clack-clack everywhere.
459
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:30,015
The snack shop buffalo wings
are microwaved and...
460
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,944
- (engine revving)
- What the...?
461
00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:35,863
♪ ♪
462
00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:42,203
(quacking)
463
00:18:46,242 --> 00:18:48,534
You made one mistake, Bildorf!
464
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,129
You forgot about the wad.
465
00:18:51,322 --> 00:18:53,189
It can buy a pretty nice ATV
466
00:18:53,249 --> 00:18:56,134
or rent a whole bunch of them!
467
00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:57,543
♪ ♪
468
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,472
- (shouting)
- (engines revving)
469
00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:00,496
Booyah!
470
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,806
Oh, no.
471
00:19:01,957 --> 00:19:04,791
(high-pitched whimpering)
472
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:06,363
Kid power!
473
00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:08,521
(engines revving)
474
00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:10,964
(exclaims)
475
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,299
Look at me!
476
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,635
I'm playing golf!
477
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,379
(laughing)
478
00:19:16,439 --> 00:19:19,991
Rum-Ta-Tum, your time has come!
479
00:19:20,184 --> 00:19:21,704
RALPH: Whee!
480
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,495
(laughing)
481
00:19:24,688 --> 00:19:26,956
Class warfare! (giggling)
482
00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:32,890
Bart Simpson,
483
00:19:32,914 --> 00:19:34,507
the next time
you want to make a point...
484
00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:38,567
(chuckles) I would prefer
you use your words.
485
00:19:38,628 --> 00:19:42,847
Did you honestly think a little
vandalism would shut us down?
486
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,074
(chuckles)
Greens can be reseeded,
487
00:19:45,134 --> 00:19:48,427
traps re-sanded,
roughs unsmoothed.
488
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:49,854
The club will go on.
489
00:19:50,005 --> 00:19:51,500
(siren wailing)
490
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,151
Ah, and here are the police
to take you to jail.
491
00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:59,416
This is a raid!
We're closing the club down!
492
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,273
Bildorf, you're under arrest.
493
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,201
(scoffs) Me?
494
00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:05,928
But they are the ne'er-do-wells.
495
00:20:05,988 --> 00:20:09,092
I am the head
of a legitimate religion.
496
00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,449
You sure are.
497
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,118
And like every new religion,
sooner or later,
498
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,588
it turns into a sex cult.
499
00:20:21,504 --> 00:20:26,557
In your case,
it was really... sooner.
500
00:20:27,584 --> 00:20:29,560
♪
501
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,548
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
502
00:20:34,609 --> 00:20:37,217
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
503
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,403
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
504
00:20:39,596 --> 00:20:42,516
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
505
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,320
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
506
00:20:48,473 --> 00:20:49,967
♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪
507
00:20:49,991 --> 00:20:52,491
♪ Why you got togimme a fight? ♪
508
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,753
♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪
509
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,072
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
510
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,241
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪
511
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:04,503
- ♪ Nobody worry 'bout ♪
- ♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪
512
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,172
♪ Why don't you justlet me be? ♪
513
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:10,079
- ♪ Let me ♪ - ♪ I'm alright ♪
514
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,662
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪
515
00:21:13,723 --> 00:21:16,165
♪ Why you got togimme a fight? ♪
516
00:21:16,225 --> 00:21:19,685
♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪
517
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,779
♪ I'm alright ♪
518
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,524
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
519
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,510
♪ I'm alright... ♪
520
00:21:27,570 --> 00:21:29,287
Shh!
521
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,794
Shh!
522
00:21:36,818 --> 00:21:38,818
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
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