All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory S5E21 - The Hawking Excitation

So I got the craziest e-mail
this morning.

I don't mean to burst your bubble,
but penile-enlargement pills do not work.

Believe me, I know.

The e-mail I got was from the office
of Stephen Hawking.

- You're kidding.
- Why?

He's coming to the university
to lecture...

...and he's looking for an engineer to
maintain equipment on his wheelchair.

That's amazing.
You'll be like his pit crew.

A word of caution, I would not do
your Stephen Hawking impression...

...in front of him.

(MIMICS STEPHEN HAWKING)
You're right.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(MIMICS STEPHEN HAWKING) I suppose
that could be considered offensive.

Oh, boy.
Oh, Sheldon's going to freak out.

Yeah, he worships Hawking.

I was thinking about bringing him along,
so he can meet the great man.

- That's really nice of you, Howard.
- Lt's no big deal.

Boy, a restraining order
from Stephen Hawking.

It'll look so nice
next to the ones he's got...

...from Leonard Nimoy,
Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.

Leonard, do you recall when I said
that I was going...

...to revolutionize understanding
of the Higgs boson particle...

...and you said, "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m.
Get out of my bedroom"?

Like it was 10 hours ago.
What about it?

Well, I believe I've done it.

I'm only saying "believe"
to sound modest...

...because, sweet Sam Houston,
I did it.

- Really?
- That's incredible. Oh, here.

- Break out the math.
- Oh, okay. Let me see this.

All right, so this particle here
is the boson moving forward in time.

Now, I was thinking...

Howard, you go ahead and eat.
This isn't gonna make any sense to you.

Sheldon, I have a working understanding
of physics.

Yeah, good for you.
And don't stop working on it.

You still going to tell him...

- ...about you-know-who?
- Yep.

- Still gonna introduce him?
- Not on your life.

Please, please, please.
Let me meet Hawking.

- I told you no.
- But I said I'm sorry.

No, you said,
"Would it help if I said 'I'm sorry'?"

Well, and you never answered me.

So who owes whom an apology now?

Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk.

Why on earth would I want
to do something nice for you?

To go to Jewish heaven?

Jews don't have heaven.

Well, then, to avoid Jewish hell?

Have you met my mother?
I live in Jewish hell.

Howard, please.
This is Stephen Hawking.

Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

You can't be serious.

Try to put yourself in my place.

Imagine you're the sole human being...

...living on a planet
populated with nothing but dogs.

And then it turns out
there's another human being.

Hang on.
Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?

I can see you're gonna
take this the wrong way.

Let me try again.

Imagine
you're the sole human being...

...living on a planet
populated with nothing but chimps.

Get out of my lab.

Oh, now,
they're so much smarter than dogs.

Have you seen them
on those little bicycles?

Get out!

- How about dolphins?
- Out!

So come on,
how was the first day with Hawking?

It was great. We talked about movies.

Oh.

- I showed him some card tricks.
- Oh.

He even let me read a couple pages
from his new book.

Oh...

Something got you down there,
bunky?

Howard, please, I'm begging you.

Raj, you're our group historian.
Has Sheldon ever begged before?

Three times.

He begged the Fox network
not to cancel Firefly.

He begged the TNT network
to cancel Babylon 5.

And when he got food poisoning
at the Rose Bowl parade...

...he begged a deity he doesn't believe in
to end his life quickly.

Do you understand
how important Hawking is to me?

When I was 6 years old,
I dressed up as him for Halloween.

- You're kidding.
- No, sir.

No, I took my dad's desk chair,
attached a Speak & Spell to it...

...and made my sister push me up
and down the block to trick-or-treat.

Granted, most people thought I was
R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

You don't seem to be understanding
the English word "no."

Maybe a different language will help.

Russian: Nyet. Chinese: Bú.
Japanese: Lie. Klingon: Qo'.

Binary coded ASCII:
0110111001101111.

- It's actually 011011110...
- No!

I'm not asking for me.

I'm asking for Hawking.

Let me try gangster: Hells no.

Okay, look. How about this?

You just give him my paper
on the Higgs boson.

If he sees the breakthrough I've made,
he'll reach out to me.

- What if he doesn't?
- Yeah, he will. He's really smart.

That's an interesting idea.

Why don't you give me a minute
to talk it over with my friends?

- How?
- Walk away.

Walking away!

You do realize
you own his ass right now.

I do.

You can make him
do anything you want.

Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to figure out
how much I wanna punish him.

Well, don't be too mean.

Hey, I'm thinking about making...

...freshly brewed iced tea
if anyone would like some.

- I wouldn't mind a glass.
- I wasn't talking to you.

Bring him to his bony knees.

Sheldon, come on back.

Yes, yes!

What did you decide?

I'll give your paper to Hawking.

Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific.

But in exchange,
I'd like you to do a few things for me.

What kinds of things?

Are you familiar
with the 12 labors of Hercules?

Of course.

You should be so lucky.

All right.
What would you like me to do first?

Well, I thought I'd start you off
by polishing my belt buckles.

By all means. Yeah, when I was a boy,
I would polish my Mee-Maw's silver.

And she would entertain me with stories
about growing up in Oklahoma.

Interesting woman.

You know, she once killed a prairie dog
with a gravy boat.

That's nice.

Whew. Heh.

That's a lot of belt buckles.

Funny thing is I only have one belt.

Anyway, I'll let you get started.

Oh, by the way, the little marks
that look like water spots...

...I tend to stand too close
to the urinal, so...

What you're seeing there
is splash-back.

You make sissy on your belt buckles?

Mee-Maw's forks never had that.

Here is a black light to check them.
For your own peace of mind...

...you might not wanna shine that
around the rest of the room.

Sheldon, these look great.

I mean,
they're like magnificent little crowns...

...to hang
over my magnificent little jewels.

How did you get them so shiny?

Oh, I buffed them with Turtle wax.

The man down at Pep Boys
says from now on...

...the urine should just bead up
and roll right off.

Way to go the extra mile.
Your Mee-Maw would be proud.

My Mee-Maw
must never know of this.

Now will you give
Professor Hawking my paper?

Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay.

Next, this is a sexy French maid
costume I bought for Bernadette.

I thought it might spice things up...

...and get her to dust my room
at the same time, heh...

...but I was wrong and really wrong.

You want me to return it for you?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
No, no, no, ma petite chérie.

What are you all staring at?

You ever seen a man try to get
a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?

(LAUGHING)

- Hey.
- Hello.

It's not Saturday night.
Why are you doing your laundry?

This is not my laundry.

Wow, are these Amy's?
Kind of trashy. Good for her.

- Those are Howard's.
- Eww.

Why are you washing
Howard's man-panties?

Because if I don't,
he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking.

- He's a famous physicist...
- Yeah.

I know. He's the wheelchair dude
who invented time.

Close enough.

Why doesn't Howard
just introduce you to the guy?

Because he's punishing me
for being a, quote, "condescending jerk."

You don't think I'm condescending,
do you?

- Well...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Condescending means...
- I know what it means!

And, yes, you love correcting people
and putting them down.

Au contraire, when I correct people,
I am raising them up.

You should know.
I do it for you more than anyone.

Come on, you do it to feel superior.

I see that twinkle when someone
says "who" instead of "whom"...

...or thinks the moon is a planet.

Or Don Quixote is a book
about a donkey named Hotay.

See? There it is. There's that twinkle.

Well, I can't help it.
That's an involuntary twinkle.

What do you want me to tell you,
Sheldon?

I want you to tell me
that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

Fine. Howard is being mean to you
for no reason.

I knew it.

(GROANS)

- What's the matter?
- Every time I spend the night...

...your mom slaps me on the behind
and says, "Go get 'em."

it's not her fault.
She's getting hormone-replacement therapy.

Makes her crazy horny.

Check this out. I got Sheldon
to wear the French maid's costume.

My God, that's terrible.

What?
Hey, I gave you first crack at it.

Why are you doing that?
You're being mean to him.

He's mean all the time.

You've heard him tease me
about not having a doctorate.

You don't wanna get teased about that,
get a doctorate.

I have one. They're great.

Come on. The man torments me.

I'm letting him have a little taste
of his own medicine.

It's not the same. Sheldon doesn't know
he's being mean. The part of his brain...

...that should know is getting a wedgie
from the rest of his brain.

Fine. I'll just make him do
a couple more things, then I'll stop.

No, you have to stop now.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Bernadette!

I wanna remind you, you promised
to take me dress-shopping tomorrow!

Oh, damn.

I'm sorry, I can't make it!

But Sheldon's gonna go with you!

And that's the last thing
you do to him.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Sheldon!

I need your help.

What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
It's this dress.

When I put my front in,
my back pops out.

When I put my back in,
my front pops out.

It's like trying to keep two dogs
in a bathtub.

What do you want me to do?

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
We're gonna have to work as a team.

Get in here, grab a handful,
and start stuffing.

SHELDON:
I'm not sure how to do this.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Lt's easy. Just pretend
you're putting away a sleeping bag.

SHELDON: Sleeping bags don't usually
sweat this much, but okay.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Now zip me up.

SHELDON: Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter,
you might turn into a diamond.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
You're right.

Who am I kidding?

You should've seen me
when I was young, Sheldon.

The fellas used to line up
and bring me boxes of candy.

(MRS. WOLOWITZ SOBS)

Why did I eat it all?

Would you hold me?

Oh. No, you know,
I'm not really the holding kind of...

Oh!

Oh, guys, I just remembered.

I got you some Hawking souvenirs.

What are these?

Gears and springs
from his wheelchair.

Pretty cool, huh?

(HOWARD CHUCKLES)

Wow. That's amazing.

Yeah, I made an adjustment
on the motor drive...

...and when I was putting it
back together...

...I could not for the life of me
figure out where they went.

I did it.

Had to go to three clothing stores...

...but we finally found a dress
that could envelop your mother.

I should have sent you to the custom
car cover place in Altadena.

They have her pattern on file.

Ha-ha. Humorous.

Now, will you please present
my paper to Professor Hawking?

- I don't know.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

I did your laundry.
I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles.

I even sprained my wrist
helping your mother lift her bosom.

All right, Sheldon. There's only
one thing left I want you to do.

- Don't worry, it's an easy one.
- Okay.

Give me a compliment.

Fine.

You have very tiny hands.

No. About my job.

I want you to tell me
I'm good at what I do.

You're obviously good
at what you do.

Well, then, why are you always ripping
on me?

Oh, I understand the confusion.

No. I have never said
that you are not good at what you do.

It's just that what you do
is not worth doing.

It's nicer than anything
he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.

Thank you, Sheldon.

Will you give my paper to Hawking?

- Sorry, I can't.
- What? Why not?

I gave it to him three days ago.

He was really impressed.

He wants to meet you.

All right, then.

Thank you, Howard.

Please let Professor Hawking know...

...that I'm available
at his earliest convenience.

- Thought he might be more excited.
- Give it a second.

(SHELDON SCREAMING)

Professor Hawking, it's an honor
and a privilege to meet you, sir.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

STEPHEN HAWKING: (OVER COMPUTER):
I know.

SHELDON: I wanna thank you
for taking time to see me.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

My pleasure.

I enjoyed reading your paper
very much.

You clearly have a brilliant mind.

I know.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Your thesis that the Higgs boson
is a black hole...

...accelerating backwards
through time is fascinating.

SHELDON: Thank you. It just... it came to me
one morning in the shower.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

That's nice.

Too bad it's wrong.

What do you mean, "Wrong"?

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

You made an arithmetic mistake
on page two.

It was quite the boner.

SHELDON: No, no. But that can't be right.

I don't make arithmetic mistakes.

Are you saying I do?

Oh, no. No, no, of course not.

SHELDON: It's just, I was thinking...
Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo.

And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Great. Another fainter.